The sweet smell of smoke wakes you from your peaceful slumber.

...smoke?

You quickly jump up and look to the side to see that Berry is gone.

“SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!”

Good going. You've let the insane one out of your sight.

You run down the stairs and into the kitchen where you see Berry cooking a whole bag of flour on the bare stove top. The bag is on fire, the counter is on fire, hell the sink is even on fire, but she is completely fine somehow. Fire is a few feet in the air above the stove, almost lighting the cabinets there on fire as well. Berry has a chef's hat on and she turns to you when you enter. She wears half a handlebar mustache on her forehead, the other half most likely burned off.

She raises a spatula that has been melted to the point that it looks like a big spoon and attempts a French accent, "Wee wee! Ze food has been zerved!"

Without even thinking about responding to her, you rush in and swoop her away from there. Berry's poofy white chef hat falls off as you round the corner and she reaches out for it as if it were her young. Ignoring her plea, you continue running until you make it out of the house completely.

Placing Berry down on the grass in the front yard, you turn back to your house to rush in and put the fire out. Just before you're about to move though, the fire cartoonishly devours your house within a few seconds.

You both watch as the house crumples to a pile of ash.

Berry snivels, “R-Rod... My poofy white friend...”

Your eye twitches as you stare at a mound of black you used to call home.

“Berry...”

"Yes honey?"

You turn to her with only rage in your eyes. “I'm going to fucking kill you.”

She looks up at you and tilts her head in confusion as the other half of the mustache falls off.

"What's that taste like?"

“AAAAAAHHHHHHH!”

...

It's been about an hour or so. After the massive amount of rage you spat at Berry, Twilight happened to cross your path on the outskirts of town. You finally calmed down after a few hours of being forced to sit in her tree house library thing.

She taps you on the shoulder as you sit on the floor, making you look up at her.

“Are you going to scream some more or are you going to talk to me now?”

You exhale deeply.

“Okay. I can talk now.”

She rolls her eyes and sits in front of you, “Finally. I thought you'd never stop yelling at her.”

She looks over at Berry as she sleeps in a fort crafted out of books.

“I think she's giving me some kind of terminal illness, Twilight.”

Twilight looks back at you, a little shocked.

“Anon, that's not a very nice thing to say.”

“SHE BURNED DOWN MY FUCKING HOUSE WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING, TWILIGHT.”

Twilight puts her hooves up in defense, “Okay, okay. And I know, you only told me like sixteen times in your fits of rage.”

She looks back at Berry who now is outside of the fort looking at some book.

“I know how she can be annoying, but it really isn't that bad Anon.”

“Yeah, sure. I bet you couldn't even last a full minute with her.”

She quirks an eyebrow and smirks.

“Oh yeah?”

You nod and turn to Berry who now is smelling Twilight's centerpiece.

“Hey Berry! Come here for a second.”

She looks over at you, but doesn't move. Instead, she squirms around a little bit.

“Your turn, Twilight.”

Twilight stands up and walks over to Berry.

She asks in a soft and caring tone, “Is something wrong?”

Berry shifts uneasily again and looks down at her crotch.

Twilight, picking up on this, asks her, “Do you need to use the bathroom?”

Berry quickly nods at Twilight.

“Where's the bathroom?”

“Up the stairs and to the left.”

Berry rushes over to the stairs and trips, slamming her face on the second stair. She jumps up almost as quick as she fell and looks at both of you momentarily before continuing up. Once she makes it up the stairs, you hear the door open.

Twilight strolls over to you with a smirk on her face.

“What was that about not even a minute?”

Berry calls from upstairs.

“Twilight!”

Your smirk makes Twilight's fade quickly.

You explain as you look at the clock, “NOW your minute starts.”

Twilight turns to the stairs and calls up them, “Yes Berry?”

Berry comes rushing down the stairs and stands in front of Twilight, still doing a cute potty dance. “Got some place I can pee?”

Twilight looks confused, but because you're watching her, she recomposes herself and calmly responds, “Up the stairs and to the left. There is a big brown door with a golden handle. You can't miss it.”

Berry turns and runs up the stairs again. It is silent for a few seconds, and then she peeks her head out from around the corner up there.

“Hey, got a bathroom in this place?”

Twilight's brow is starting to furrow and it has only been twenty seconds.

“I just told you. It's right behind you.”

Berry stares down at the both of you.

She squints her eyes as if trying to spot something in the distance, then shakes her head as if she failed to.

“I don't see it.”

Twilight speaks through gritted teeth, “Just turn around, Berry.”

It's been thirty five seconds and Twilight looks as if she's thinking about all the different places no one would be able to find Berry's mutilated corpse. Berry spins around in a full 360 degrees and then looks at Twilight like she's stupid.

“What does turning around do? I still can't see the bathroom.”

Twilight turns to you with a smile that barely hides a pit of flaming hatred.

“Okay. You were right. Now help.”

You stand up and pat your hands together.

“You lasted forty seconds.”

She looks dumfounded as she stares at you, “That's it?”

As you walk up the stairs, you turn and speak to her, “That's still more than the others that have tried.”

“How long did they last?”

Making it to the top of the stairs, you pick Berry up with one arm and turn toward the bathroom while still speaking loudly to Twilight, “Six seconds.”

You walk into the bathroom and place Berry in front of the toilet.

“This is the bathroom, you arsonist.”

She looks around at the tiled floor and walls, but her eyes reach the open door last and she shakes her head.

“This isn't the bathroom, silly! This is Twilight's house!”

You close the door and then look at her. A deep blush appears on her face.

“W-why are you in the bathroom with me Anon?...”

With a roll of the eyes and a flip of the bird, you walk out and close the door behind you.

“Shut up and do your business, okay Berry?”

It is uncomfortably silent for a few seconds.

“Berry?”

Her scream feel as if it's right in your ear, “PIRATES ARE REAAAAALLL!”

The sputtering of anus is heard disturbingly loud and clear from inside that room. Shaking your head, you walk back around the corner and down the stairs. Twilight sits on a purple pillow sorting the books Berry had taken out for apparently no reason.

“I don't know how you do it Anon,” she says as she looks up at you.

“Well, I kinda am forced to by law.”

She nods, remembering what had taken place.

“Oh yeah.”

“You know Twilight, you did a pretty good job with her too.”

Twilight looks up at you and smiles sincerely.

“Thank you.”

“You're welcome.”

A loud flush comes from upstairs, followed by a few seconds of silence before Berry yells out, “I'M DONE!”

You and Twilight look at each other and shrug.

She screams again, "I SAID I'M DONE!"

With a sigh, you walk to the stairs, “I'll go to see what the fuck she wants.”

Twilight continues to put the books back in their places as you walk up the stairs. When you get to the top, you turn and open the door. Berry prances out happily and the smell of what lurks in the bathroom punches you in the face.

You creep forward and look inside, almost vomiting on spot once you see what she's done to this poor bathroom.

“Oh... Oh my god...”

There is shit caked to the walls, floor, pooled in the bathtub, and all over the toilet. She even got shit behind the toilet. On the mirror, there's a picture of a tall human holding hoof and hand with a pony drawn out of shit. You quickly step back, slam the door, and facepalm.

Why did you even trust the mentally unstable one in the bathroom alone?

Twilight yells from downstairs, "What's wrong Anon?"

Shit, you've got to think of something, quick!

“N-Nothing! Just pricked my thumb.”

"Oh, I'll come look at it! Hold on."

Fucking damn shit fuck that was a stupid thing to say!

You look over to the door.

Guess it's the only way to make this believable.

You open the door, put your thumb in the crack of it, and slam it shut on your thumb. Thankfully, you're too much of a pussy to go through with it. You try to pull your thumb away from being completely crushed, so it only split some of the flesh open. You manage to suppress the scream as Twilight reaches the top of the stairs.

She holds out her hoof and gives you a command, "Let me see."

You show her your open thumb, completely gushing with blood.

"Sweet Celestia! That's one heck of a 'prick' Anon!"

Her purple aura surrounds your thumb and fixes it completely.

How the fuck does this magic shit work?

Grabbing your thumb to make sure you can't feel the pain anymore, you smile at Twilight.

“Thank you Twilight.”

"Don't mention it."

She scrunches her face up.

"What's that smell?"

Fuck, she can smell the catastrophe in there! Say something!

“O-Oh um I farted?”

Fucking really?

"That's pretty gross Anon..."

Well, at least she bought it.

She turns around and suddenly there is a crash sound. The two of you both run down the stairs to see Twilight's basement door wide open. Both of you look at each other and then book it for the stairs down.

You look down the stairs as Twilight goes in front of you. Nothing too crazy seems to be happening down there. Twilight sighs and turns back to you.

You ask her, “What's going on?”

"Nothing... She's just eating my dinner from last night."

“Well then what was that noise?”

She shrugs and starts looking around where Berry is sitting. As she does this, you turn around to search as well and see Spike trying to put a vase back together. There's dirt everywhere on the floor around him.

“Hey, did you make that noise?”

He jumps out of his skin when hearing your voice and rushes away. You walk over to the pile of shattered vase and dirt there as Twilight brings Berry back up.

Twilight yells at you, "Anon! What have you done?!"

You turn to her confused as she rushes over and pushes you aside. She looks incredibly worried.

“I was supposed to watch this for Fluttershy, it's the ashes of an animal dear to her!”

She levitates all of the ash you thought was just dirt and teleports away with it.

Well, fuck.

Spike comes out from hiding looking extremely guilty.

"I'm sorry, I was just going to find a book and fell backwards..."

You glare at him.

“You owe me, big time..."

The disgusting smell of the bomb that went off in the bathroom makes its way down the stairs.

You smirk as you look at Spike. "...and I know just how.”

...

A few minutes pass and Twilight teleports back with another vase, going upstairs to her room. She puts it on the shelf in her room and comes back to the top of the stairs. She's glaring down at you as you just sit there petting a sleeping Berry. She then sniffs the air.

"Sweet Celestia, what is that awful stench?!"

She flings open the bathroom door to reveal Spike sitting in a pile of shit in the bathroom.

"SPIIIKE! OH MY- HOW DID YOU EVEN DO THIS?!"

A plop sound is heard, followed by a gasp.

"HOW DID YOU GET IT ON THE CEILING?!"

You continue to pet Berry and she wakes up a little.

"Anon, why is Twilight so mad?"

You look to her with a dead straight face.

“Because you shit everywhere in her bathroom, you idiot.”

"B-but I wiped!"

You facepalm again and then hear Twilight yell, "WHY IS THERE ONE PIECE OF TOILET PAPER ON THE WALL?!"

Glare at the cheeky little fucker, “God damn it Berry. What is wrong with you?”

"I don't press repeat."

“What?”

You look down at her and see that she's passed out on your lap again.

Twilight, who could be described as a tad bit frustrated right now, walks down the stairs with her mane completely made up of flame. Somehow, it doesn't burn the entire place to the ground even though it is all wood. Her eye twitches as she looks at you and Berry.

"Both of you. Get out. Now."

Like hell you're going to disagree with with a purple ponyta. You head out holding Berry as quickly as you can. The slightly warmer temperature of outside wakes Berry from her micronap in your arms.

She asks as you walk aimlessly forward, "Aw where are we going honey?"

“Have any suggestions? Because I don't.”

"Maybe Fluffyshee?"

You look down as you ask, “What? Do you mean Fluttershy?”

Berry is asleep and her snores are the only thing that reply to you.

Fucking Berry.

Author's Notes:

That thing with the thumb happened to me. Had to come up with an excuse for why I was taking so long upstairs that wasn't masturbation, so in my stupidity, I said that I had pricked my finger. I then had about ten seconds until my mother came upstairs, so I had to act quickly.

Hurt like a motherfucker.

Too bad magic isn't real in this world.