The Great Princess Race

by TheGreatEater

First published 8th of November, 2014

All Princesses have built in Seat belts. And sometimes they use them for ridiculous reasons.

Princess Twilight Sparkle after many sleepless nights wondering how she was able to generate a seat belt for Spike during the Plunder Seed crisis decides to ask the other princesses. The answer was strange, but after a prank from Rainbow Dash, things go down to outright ridiculous.

This is Twilight's story.

Inspired by, this comment, and the fic that comment was made in.

Chapter 1

Princess Twilight had been having a rough couple of weeks after the Plunder Seeds hatched, threatened to destroy Equestria as she knew it, and most worst of all. Even more worse than getting used to the confusing, stubborn, overly sensitive, in more ways than one wings. Was the fact that she randomly ejected seatbelts in times of stress, with which being a new Princess, was more often than not and controlling them popping out of her body was next to impossible.

Thankfully she had amazing friends and along with Spike urged her to ask the other Princess about how to control that new bodily function. It was several long minutes later when they finally received a message asking them all to come to Canterlot since it would be easier to respond face to face rather than dragon missive. Unfortunately this had the opposite intended effect for Twilight's mood.

"Oh Celestia! I'm going to die aren't I! I got some weird alicorn cancer! I knew it, with all of these strange growths, and how those things keep popping out ... I can't die now! I just became a pretty, purple, pony princess!" Twilight wailed.

The other Element Bearers gave her an emergency hug and Applejack said, "Ah doubt that's what's happening. It's probably something embarrassing is all, and we'll find out what it is tomorrow Sugarcube."

"Yeah Twi you need to chill, remember all those other times you freaked out after jumping to conclusions? And you'll have us with you so you have nothing to worry about," Rainbow Dash said with trademark Discord-May-Care smirk.

"Okay ... thanks girls. I'll be fine now," Twilight said enjoying the sphere of pony-love.

The Mane Six decided to take the Cutie Mark Crusaders with them, since Sweetie like usual was dropped onto Rarity's withers, and Apple Bloom had been busy on the farm Applejack brought her along for all her hard work. And with those two being brought along Rainbow Dash brought Scootaloo so her awesome honorary sister wouldn't be left out of the fun.

And with them was Spike on Twilight's back playing happily with Twilight's Seatbelt straps. Twilight looked at Spike and whined, "Spi~ike! Stop playing with my thingies, it makes me feel weird and ponies are staring!" She ended with a pout.

"But it's so fun seeing you get all clicky ... Hey girls! I know unicorns' have a magic lever on their tails that makes spells come out depending on how you play with it, and apparently Alicorn's have seatbelt thingies. But what do pegasi and earth ponies have?"

"Easy, Rainbow Dash said it's -" Scootaloo said excitedly before Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash muffled the rest with their hooves.

"That's personal!" Fluttershy said is an embarrassed squeak that was only a few decibles louder than a whisper. While Rainbow Dash was looking around to make sure no pegasi were around to overhear Scoots spill the Pegasi's greatest secret.

"Well that's a whole tub full of suspiciousness," Applejack said with an eyebrow raised.

"Well what about you earth ponies huh!?" Rainbow Dash challenged.

"Easy remember how little Bloom made all those weird things appear out'a thin air? Or how we earth ponies pull things almost from nowhere?" AJ asked.

"Sure ..."

"And ever hear that earth pony sayin', 'pulled something out of one's flank'?"

"Yeah, where are you going with this?"

"Well us earth ponies have magic pockets in our flank where we can pull stuff out of, someponies like Pinkie here have multiple pockets all over her adorable pink body."

Twilight looked at Applejack and hesitantly placed her hooves on her flank and thinking about another weird thing on her body when her hoof slid in, drawing a shudder as she felt something slimy coat her leg, as she withdrew it and after smelling it and giving it tentative lick, looked at her hoof in confusion. Wondering why her pocket was filled with chocolate pudding.

Apple Bloom smiled and said innocently, "Silly Twilight, you don't hide pudding in your flank, what'll ponies think if they see your hoof full of slimy, brown stuff?"

To which she got her answer in the reply of a chorus of ponies throwing up as they passed by and got the entirely wrong idea of Twilight's dripping brown hooves. Before Twilight fainted from shock squashing Spike with her increased Alicorn mass.

Twilight woke up with the other three Alicorn Princesses sat around looking sympathetically at her, "Hello Twilight, you've made quite the entrance," Celestia said wih a small smile.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't know my whatever that was would be filled with chocolate pudding," Twilight said panicking.

"Don't worry Twilight, while the Great Vomit Flood will be forever remembered as the greatest flood of Canterlot. But every Alicorn has at least one pocket mishap. And I think it was hilarious that it was caused over chocolate pudding," Celestia chuckled humorously, "at the very least we made sure that they put down it was pudding in the newspapers yesterday?"

"Yesterday how long was I out?" Twilight asked in a panic.

Cadance placed hoof over Twilight's own, "You need to breathe and you've been out for two days."

"Are they still cleaning up the you know?" Twilight asked, "Oh and how's Spike?'

The Princesses looked at each other apprehensively, and after a heated argument dictated solely by facial expressions and ear flicks. An apprehensive Luna responded, "Now you need to promise not to freak out."

"Ooookay?"

"So we aren't saying you're fat, or need to go on a diet, or that your mostly sedentary lifestyle hasn't made you slightly less out of shape than my dear sister who gave birth to the word thunder thighs -"

"Hey! That was ages ago, I haven't needed to go on a diet since the paleopony era," Celestia interrupted indignantly.

"From what we read that's because you avoid the Royal Physician like the plague unless you get ill, or are dragged kicking and screaming by a platoon of guards," Luna replied offhoovedly, "nonetheless dear Twilight you smooshed poor Spike so badly that he de-aged by several years, and made him much flatter. Our sister needed to spend all of her day two days ago returning him to normal.

"Also like our sister you need to go on a diet and be more active. Just because an Alicorn needs more food to fulfil our royal physique doesn't mean we can afford to be inactive."

"Lulu I'm not fat!" Celestia said sadly. To which Luna responded by play smacking Celestia's rotund flanks with a hoof causing it to jiggle, and jiggle, and jiggle some more, and start hypnotising the ponies in the room, Celestia included, by its continued jiggling. When it finally stopped Celestia replied, "that proves nothing."

"You're going on a diet sister, and you can't say I'm lying since I once held the Element of Honesty," Luna said in an air of finality, "As for cleaning up ..."

Twilight was in tears at being called fat by Luna only gave a sniffling nod, "Well as you know Caterlot is magic center of the world, and home to many magical items, components, and a gathering of magic users that are still growing into their magic. Suffice to say, the vomit somehow fused with a growth spell before the Canterlot Nobility randomly teleported the mass far from Canterlot as it could.

"So it's flooded Most of Equestria and ponies are now just starting to get rid of it. Only Canterlot being as high up as it is, has escaped the stinky, sticky, gut wrenching flood. But hopefully we shall recover from this soon."

"Can this day get any worse!" Twilight cried despairingly to the heavens.

Author's Notes:

I'll admit that this chapter ran away from me when Spike asked what to the other ponies have which was something that was a potential chapter title. As for the racial thing. I found it funny that Pinkie Pie could use Twilight's tail to rapid fire spell bolts like a gatling gun.

Earth Ponies, well the term, "Pulled out of your butt", sounds better as "pulled out of your flank". And it brings up a good point of where all those random props earth ponies pull out of nowhere come from. My thoughts, Hammerspace, wishing portals. Fueled by need, imagination, and ignoring equine anatomy. Got an extra bit of inspiration from Doctor Whooves and Assistant [forgot which episode ponies have pockets].

Pegasi havethis load of fun.

But yes future chapters will have some quite interesting events. So far I'm planning four chapters past this one. It'll be updated randomly and if I feel that it needs more chapters than five chapters it'll grow to the ultimate conclusion, and I have no editors or pre-readers for this chapter.

And yet another fic I made that made me simultaneously laugh and know I'm going to tartarus for making this fic.

Chapter 2

As Twilight and company walked out of the Royal Hospital Tower of the Castle, Twilight looked over the walkway that lead to the main castle and saw the most horrendous sight she had ever seen since she walked into Pinkie Pie bathing in a tub of peanut butter and jelly with Princess Cadance when the princesses last visited to Ponyville. For reasons best left to the imagination ... if one wanted to hurt themselves pondering such things.

Surrounding the city was Shining Armor's signature bubble shield, and outside it a sloshing sea of sick. It's nauseating motion making Twilight turn green. With a sigh Luna said, "Worry not Twilight even now the sea's receding into the other nations where it'll be there problem. We'll just blame it as the cousin of the Smooze, and bribe Canterlot to be silent with a 'special' calendar for the next year of us Princesses ... although some of us might need their photos to be ... touched up more than others," she tacked the last bit of her pep talk with the tact of a sledge hammer from space.

"Thanks, now I have new growths and photos of my freakish form to look forward to," Twilight sniffled.

"Worry not Twilight, for our sister is in a worse boat than you. And I shall whip at least you into physical perfection. Soon all the ponies will be at your door to ply your affections," Luna said merrily giving the younger princess a hug that could have crushed lesser ponies, and some smaller mountains. But as Twilight was an alicorn it just made her eyes bulged like a squeaky toy, and an Alicorn egg popped out of her.

Everypony looked at Twilight and Cadance mumbled, "I forgot we could do that. Twilight don't worry unless you were you know, they're just like a chicken egg in this form."

"Know what, and what's form two?" Twilight squawked.

"Mashed Potatoes," Celestia replied quickly. Causing Twilight to blanch, "as for the second form. Have you ever wondered how I got Spike's egg?"

"You what!?" Twilight said even know more shocked than ever.

"Let's just say that Spike sees me as a second mother for more reasons than one. After all how do you think the first dragons were made?" Celestia joked.

"Evolution?" Twilight hazzard.

To which Celestia and Luna laughed bodily, before Luna replied near tears, "why yes, our parents were evolutionizing something in a matter of speaking. Now we should just let Celestia have your egg before her salivation forms a second flood and we'll talk about what you came here for originally."

The Cutie Mark Crusaders and Spike lay on a pillow big enough for all of them as everypony got comfortable. The CMC looking at Celestia drooling over Twilight's egg as her magic brought forth the ingredients for a cake and a large mixing bowl. Luna stifled a laugh and Celestia gave a playful retort, "Luna if you don't stop teasing me about Twilight and my own perfectly reasonable size. I shall spill the secret of -"

Luna wrapped Celestia's muzzle with magic, "Tia no! Thou shan't! Your sizeable proportions are perfectly normal in certain parts of history."

Celestia countered, "What parts of time. Tell me or everypony shall know of the secret petting -"

Again blocked by magic, Luna offered hopefully, "Paleopony, or Pre-Equestrian Era?"

"SHE HAS A PETTING ZOO OF BABY TRESSYMS!"

"She lies! Awesome ponies like me don't do cute, and utterly adorable isn't that right Rainbow Dash," Luna asked.

While almost everypony was clueless to what a Tressym was. Fluttershy and Cadance squealed with fillyish glee. While Rainbow Dash blushed cutely, "Sure, right, why would we do cute and adorable," she said with obliviously feigned indifference.

"Oh so you won't mind me getting rid of the orders for clouds to the Gardens then? After al I see no clouds in that place," Celestia asked with a smile that would make a shark shiver.

"Okay fine," Luna teleported into the roof a litter of winged cats, some with wings like a pegasi, others the bat-like wings of her moori, "I shall have my revenge sister."

The foals in the room, as well as Cadance and Fluttershy lept into the pile and played with the adorable balls of fluff while Luna and Rainbow Dash's stoic facade held strong.

Cadance looked at Twilight and said, "Now about those seatbelts. They are a freebie when one either ascends to Alicornhood, or is born an Alicorn. But they are also part of many numerous parts of ancient alicorn traditions.

"Now mostly they pop out when stressed, scared, or in times of great need. Now the big thing we never told you about Alicorns to keep you safe is you must never wear a 'Suit of Challenge' with your seat belts summoned. Basically a suit of challenge is an alicorn version of peacocking. It's the most attention grabbing thing you can think of, and is showy.

"Also for some strange reason, and I trust your friends not to abuse this, Alicorns must never cover oneself with pudding at midnight. As you could guess Celestia discovered this fact and she as well as Luna prank each other with it often."

"Wait ... anything attention grabbing? And what if some other pony does it to her?" Rainbow Dash asked eagerly.

"Yes, and if it's done as a prank still counts. Trust me I learned that out the hardway from one of the foals I foalsat after Twilight."

"Funny I don't remember hearing anything about that," Twilight said.

"Well it's the same reason thoughts of Celestia and pudding make ... yep she's doing it again," Cadance said as Twilight looked sightlessly a head of herself. When that spark of self returned Cadance finished with, "repressed memories dear Twilight. Repressed memories."

"Phaa, I asked how things could get worst and the Universe had to reply. It's days like this I want to become evil and lead another Changeling Invasion.," Twilight facehoofed.

"Well if it makes you better, I wrote to you about Chyrssy, Shiny Hiney, and I ages ago. But you never replied about it. I can talk to her for you if you'd like?"

"Oh she didn't read all of that letter, she got to a part about licking the crystal heart and exploded. She still doesn't remember trying to teleport an Ursa Major cavalry, armed with magical rocket launchers. Too bad because it was funny," Spike replied to Cadance before asking, "So what do all of your SoCs look like? And how does Twilight earn Alicorn points?"

The princesses minus Twilight shone with magic as they summoned their SoCs. Luna was decked out in a cape of bats holding blue painted turtle shells, With actual socks that were flashing with magical light of a carved pumpkin, and a santa hat.

Celestia wore a golden apron, over a tiedye, full body tressymsuit, which is like a cat suit but for Pegasi. From her apron flew several mini cakes which orbited her sombrero, which she wore at a jaunty angle. Feeling pity for the mortals in the room for the last outfit that was going to be summoned. Celestia and Luna summoned goggles onto them, and Spike.

Cadance wore a dress woven in threads of madness, conflicting colors and patterns, and Twilight was pretty sure it was made using fifth dimensional, non-euclidean geometry. Then there was the glittery streamers attached to her horn. She blushed as she tried explaining the thing that never should be, "the foal wanted my help making a pretty dress. Using one of father's inherited spell books for inspiration, and I wanted to try using my fledgeling alicorn magic to make something pretty.

"End result I drove a majority of the castle staff insane or blind. Or in Twilight's case both."

Rarity of course at this time went into a coma from seeing the Necronomicon of Fashion. But thankfully Sweetie Belle being a good filly pointed out, "You mean like now?"

"Oh dear, well I guess we'll put these away for now, and get Twilight to bed," Cadance sighed.

As the night rose, two ponies looked in on Twilight's body. Who now was less comotose, but more fevered dreams filled with logic bashing nightmares. "So Pinks you thinking what I'm thinking?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"I am. But where can we get some of those awesome cakebreros?"

"No I'm talking about the best prank ever?"

"Oh! This shall be good," Pinkie replied with a face splitting smile.

Author's Notes:

Google Image Search for Tressym. Tressym exist in DnD, but I'm saying FIMVerse's aren't Chaotic Good, but rather Neutral Good / Neutral Neutral. And funnily enough, there are winged cats IRL, but it's usually a not totally cool genetic condition, and while a few do have wing bones. Can't fly.

Thankfully FimVerse isn't Earth. So pegasus kitties.

Yes, Celestia used mashed potatoes for an analogy when Twilight was old enough for things.

And finally. I want this fic to be E, but feels close to Teen with the stuff I'm slipping past the radar Adventure Time style. So what do y'all think Teen, or is it so far beneath the radar / hard to spot that it's still E worthy? The egg thing though ... That came to me randomly today when I thought about Luna's hug. And I got an image of the few fics based around Princesses laying eggs. So in it went.

Chapter 3

Author's Notes:

Lots of innuendo, but Pinkie Pie's messing with Dashie and the audience for lols. As for Spike's skills. Leaving it up to the imagination. But it's a fan wide gutter test to see just where Spike's talents lie, and why he's popular. Other than the fact that it's because he's Spike. But yeah I couldn't help but give Sike some love in this chapter.

Rainbow Dash repressed a shudder as Pinkie Pie dragged her out of the shadow of Spike's bed, and merrily trotted over to where Twilight slept. Rainbow Dash checked to make sure her ninja outfit was still there and that she had all 6 of her favorite appendages before flapping over to Pinkie and whispering, "What in the Tartarus was that?"

"Well you said that we needed to get in here past the guards so I thought it'd be funny to pop out of a shadow, like the ninjas in Spike's mangas," Pinkie Pie replied with a cheeky grin that glowed in the darkness in the room.

"Alright fair enough, so you got the tub of pudding in your mane right?"

"Yepperoni, I got Twilight's favorite. Sparkleberries, with pickle chunks, and spiced with nutmeg."

"Eugh! Is she preggers or something?"

Pinkie looked past the fourth wall and gave a knowing wink before saying, "Of course not!"

"Who are you winking at? So tell me who's the stallion?"

"Who said it had to be a stallion?"

"Oh right, unicorn. So who's the mare?"

"Who said it had to be a mare?"

"No way, not Spike!"

"Who said it had to be a Spike?"

"Ugh! That's it, I'm pranking you so hard until you tell me who put a bun in her oven."

"Silly filly, Twilight's not a baker. She's a princess."

"I know you're messing with me now. Let's just do the prank."

Pinkie Pie whipped out the tub of pudding from her mane and set it beside Twilight's bed and gently picked her up with her animated hair. Twilight tossed in her sleep and yelled, "No! Not the Tardy Monster!"

Pinkie Pie almost dropped her as she held in her chuckles, and held Twilight for Dashie to do her part of the pranks. Taking FurTats which were like coat dye, but magically imprinted a design over the coat. She gave Twilight's sides massive flames that raced down her sides. Then carefully placed a studded dog collar on her before giving matching bracelets. As for the finishing touches. She wrapped those cute tassels from the side of little filly bikes onto Twilight's horn.

Then the set Twilight in the tub and snuck off the way they came. If they would've stayed they would have seen an amazing sight, and a quite not so amazing smell as the tub of pudding magically exploded before falling back onto Twilight and wrapping her into a pudding cocoon.

As the morning rose and everyone sat in the Royal Dining hall for breakfast they were greeted with a small ball of purple fluff with a tiny adawable unicorn horn perched on Spike's head. While Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie burst into hysterical laughter at the outcome of their prank the fillies squeed with the force that rattled the windows of the grand hall and like tiny adorable missiles glomped the Flufflecorn off of Spike's head and squeezed it. Making it give an squeak like a giant dogs' playtoy, which made the fillies squee even harder.

"It's so cute!" Sweetie squeaked.

"I want one!" Bloom squealed.

"Meh! It's kinda cute," Scoots blushed while squeezing the ball of fluff the hardest of the three.

"Now, now, my little ponies. That is Twilight Sparkle," Celestia said giving a knowing glance to the two laughing pranksters, "I see that someponies must have done the pudding prank, transforming Twilight into a Flufflecorn."

"No way, you're Twilight?" Apple Bloom asked, looking into the rather adorkable cross face of Flufflight.

"Mew!" Twilight squeaked.

"Don't worry, it takes some time to get used to speaking in that form. Why Luna used to speak in squawks, and I was only able to blow raspberries. It seems that Twilight speaks catanese.

"Mrowr!" Twilight exclaimed unhappily as the fillies, decided that their new princess was fun to play with.

"Well, I think I like Twilight this way. She's so soft and cuddly," Sweetie Belle stated.

"No kidding, I woke up to her cuddling me and she makes one comfy pillow let me tell you," Spike said to Twilight's embarrassment.

"Well that's all in good. But I think Twilight would like eating as a normal alicorn, rather than the amusing impulses of her alternate form," Celestia said picking up Twilight from the clutches of the Cutie Mark Crusaders, "Luna bring out the Hammer of Happy, Happy, Fun Times."

The group of individuals didn't know whether to look horrified that the cure was a hammer, or laugh at the foalish name of the weapon that was going to bludgeon Twilight back to normal. In the end it was Fluttershy of all ponies that spoke up, "Wait, isn't whacking Twilight with a hammer a bit excessive?"

"Nonsense! There is nothing more fun than the Hammer of Happy, Happy, Fun Times. It brings many hours of amusement to whack princesses and commoners alike with it. Why just last night, I whacked my guards with it until we were all blue in the face," Luna assured Fluttershy before bring out a massive, gigantic, elegantly designed ...

Toy hammer.

As the minds of the ponies broke from trying to comprehend what happened Luna gave Twilight a mighty whack. And as it gave the mighty squeak of squeakiness Twilight transformed into normal with a bright flash. But as she appeared a hush filled the room. There stood Twilight decked out in her new spikey attire, with flaming FurTats along her side. With a single cute tassel attached to her horn.

"Ah! We see that your arrival as a cute Flufflecorn was just a ruse to hide your challenge to us!" Luna said as her seatbelts burst from her sides. With Celestia's popping out not long after.

"No! Wait! This was part of a prank on me!" Twilight yelled.

"Sorry Twilight, but even as part of a prank, you can't ignore Alicorn instincts," Celestia said softly.

"Yes I can! I totally can!" Twilight panicked.

"Well then why did your seatbelts pop out in answer to the challenge?" Celestia asked.

Twilight looked at her racing flames, and the seatbelt that lay over them and sighed, "So what now? I never did an alicorn race before," Twilight asked.

"Well you need a racer. Since we have three little fillies and Spike here. I think we have enough to do the race. Although to be fair we'll throw in some goggles for you and your racer to prevent your mind from breaking when Cadance enters," Celestia explained, "Oh! And I call dibs on Spike."

"No Sister! I call the young Drake! You get to play with him all the time," Luna whined.

"No it is I who calls dibs on Spike!" Cadance yelled as a burst of pink smoke burst from nowhere showing the the Love Ninja Cadance.

"But Spike's my dragon!" Twilight yelled. Not wanting to give the advantage of Spike to the other princesses.

"Ah! But who gave you the egg?" Celestia countered.

"Okay, how about we draw lots?" Luna asked as Cadance made a grab for Spike.

"Fine, but it'll be one of the bearers who draws it, I remember why you were banned from all Casinos back in the days," Celestia replied.

Rarity just looked at Spike and asked, "Since when did you become a pimp?"

"Rarity! He's not a pimp, we all just like his company ... in private ... to play with when we all need to have fun," Luna replied. In no way getting the unintentional innuendo she was tossing Spike's way and ignoring his blush, "that and he knows all of our strengths and weaknesses. Anypony who gets Spike will be that much more powerful in this race."

"Oh! Spike, I didn't know you were so mature," Rarity swooned.

"Yes, he's quite the renaissance mare," Luna stated, "I think Twilight raised him to be very skilled indeed."

Spike started babbling a response as the ponies in the room looked at him in surprise, before Luna responded, "Yes Twilight, Celestia and even Cadance did a good job with making Spike quite the well rounded drake. He has many talents," Luna said praisingly. Not noticing the levels of shock and awe plastered on the faces of all the non alicorns present.

Sweetie Belle responded with, "Well I'm sure Spike can show us Crusaders all of his talents later. Who knows we might get a Cutie Mark from it," she said with a predatory grin.

"W-w-well I think I'm going to the other side of the room and die of embarrassment now," Spike said.

"What's wrong with being a skilled masseuse and an excellent Dungeon Master?" Luna asked innocently.

"Wait so he's not skilled at more ... mature skills?" Rarity asked.

"Mature skills?"

Rarity blushed, and Celestia in no way helping replied innocently, "Oh Spike has endless talents. But those are a secret. But what's not a secret is he was quite popular with the mares of Canterlot before he moved to Ponyville. Quite popular indeed."

To which Spike responded by fainting as the Crusaders, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie and Rarity glomped him.

Chapter 4

It took time for the princesses to pull themselves off the Filly Magnet formerly known as Spike. Cadance looked at Spike and giggled at the look on his face. While Celestia, ever the prankster took a picture to make copies of for later.

"Now that everypony is done molesting my "baby" dragon -" Twilight started to say before being cut off.

"There's nothing baby about that dragon," Rainbow Dash interrupted eliciting a chorus of giggles.

"As I was saying, now that you are finished. We can draw lots," Twilight huffed.

"Well nows a good a time as any," Celestia sighed now that her fun was put on hold. With a golden burst of magic, four randomly sized straws, each one with a name of the crusaders and Spike on it were summoned, "Spike you shall have the honors of holding our fate in your very capable claws."

Floating the straws over, Celestia gave an unsettling grin, at least for Spike and Twilight, the rest ignored it in favor of giving Spike varied levels of awe and attention.

"Okay ... I guess. Although Celestia?" Spike replied.

"Yes Spike," Celestia said with a demure giggle.

"For this prank of yours, no massages for a week," Spike said defiantly.

To which Celestia deflated. Spike's massages were a thing of legends. Even for a many millenium old goddess such as herself, had never experienced such great pleasure from a massage as she did from those magic claws of his.

"Buuuutttt Spiiiiike!" Celestia whined. To which everypony, even Luna's, jaw dropped. Seeing as nopony had ever seen her whine. Other than Luna but that was when they were still fillies, and Celestia wanted the last cookie from the cookie urn.

"No Celestia, while it's cool that all the fillies ... and mares want me. You are going to have to suffer the consequences of your actions," Spike countered. Having learnt to battle whines and most levels puppy dog eyes from Twilight when she was in the middle of a study bender. Or needed a guinea pig for her more ... eccentric experiments.

But that was nothing compared to Celestia who invented the look, and could do it almost as powerfully as Fluttershy could do the stare. Yet, our brave and noble dragon had the perfect counter. He ducked behind Scootaloo and yelled, "Save me and I'll be your assistant for a month!"

And so an epic battle of adorableness raged on. But that is a story for another time.

Eventually the battle was won, and lots were drawn. Twilight had Scootaloo, Luna had Sweetie Belle, Celestia had Apple Bloom, and Cadance who danced before giving a friendly kiss on Spike's lips got the Hero of the Crystal Empire.

Out of all the winners, Celestia was the only one who looked down. Apple Bloom looking at the weird get up that Celestia had strapped on looked at her downtrodden face and asked, "What's wrong Princess?"

"No Spike massages for a month! NOOOOO!" Celestia wailed disparingly to the heavens.

"A-are they really that good?" Apple Bloom asked. All the other ponies in the room other than the Princesses looking at Celestia in rapt attention.

"For all the centuries that I have lived. Noone has ever given a massage as magical, nor as utterly amazing as Spike," Celestia sniffled.

"Awwww! Well I guess you were laying on whatever you were trying to do pretty thick," Apple Bloom responded bluntly, "But I'll see if me and the girls can't talk him down to at least a week ... maybe a day." She added hopefully.

"Thank you fair Apple Bloom. If you can do that, I shall shower you and whoever helps you with anything you could ever dream of!" Celestia replied, I might have to make room for a few more Princesses, but it will be worth it to get those claws to hit 'all' the right spots.

"Ummm ... Princess, you're drooling a bit," Apple Bloom commented.

"Sorry, and please call me Celestia, all you girls have proven yourselves already to do away with formalities."

"Alright Celestia, let's win us a race!" Apple Bloom cheered.

"Lets!"

Spike was not only grateful for Scootaloo's valiant struggle from the Adorable Eyes of Doom, but in keeping with his Dragon Code for saving his soul and principles. Decided to give Scootaloo a run down on Twilight's many functions that he had picked up from not only playing with her tail, but from experiments with her on unicorn tail and bodily function connect, that she made him do and record in triplicate.

"Okay, so first things first. You need to split her tail in two, and grab on to each end tightly."

"Why?"

"Because it'll be easier to handle. Now pulling her tail to the left or right, just over your shoulders will shoot a blast of magic. Pulling it mostly to your left will make her teleport in a random direction, and to your right will make her shoot magic glue out of her horn. And whatever you do, do not pull both ends straight back. For some reason it gives her magic gas, and sends her flying ... well before she was an alicorn and could actually fly." Spike lectured channeling his inner Twilight.

"Um ... I think I got like half of that. But I guess it'll have to do. Thanks Spike!" Scootaloo grinned wrapping the whelp in a hug.

"Yeah, no problem. Just be careful, I've seen Luna use those spiked, blue turtle shells before. They really suck. Well I got to go, have fun!" Spike said going over to the princess he was going to ride long and hard.

"Now before we start, I have goggles for each of you, so the mind horrors of Cadence's suit doesn't drive you all insane. Now I expect a fair race," Celestia announced before fake coughing into her hoof, "mostly."

With that everyone got onto their saddles, while the princesses lined up at the starting line. While Fluttershy stood before them on a cloud, just big enough to hold her body, readied the flag to begin with.

"Alright! Let's do this!" Rainbow Dash yelled, "On three! One! Two! And ...!" Pinkie's Party Cannon went off signaling the start of the race.

Author's Notes:

Heck yeah. Spike, the Super Pimp. With the super power of having dexterous digits, and a tail of many uses.

I loved writing this chapter. Give the dragon some love, and set up more ... mature sidequel, someday in the future.

Now this fic has mostly been an exercise in myself spotting errors, and writing a story with as few grammar mistakes as possible. While something I'm not perfect at, at least I hope I've gotten good enough that it's not an affront against the English language . Anyways, next chapter is going to be the first part of the race.

Chapter 5

Twilight felt a strange exhilaration overcome her as she flew through the course around and in places through Canterlot. The feeling of pitting herself against her fellow alicorns stirred something inside her, something primal.

At least until she was hit with a turtle shell in the flanks. Letting out a pained yelp she watched as Luna and Cadance sped ahead. With Celestia plodding far behind glittering crystals of frosting sweat forming on her coat that shone around her like miniatures stars.

“Hey no fair!” Scootaloo yelled, pulling Twilight’s tail to the right, blasting a sticky wad of magic that covered Cadance and stuck her to a candy store. The madness inducing colors from her suit brought to life the candy who instantly swarmed the patrons begging to be eaten.

“Eeeww!” Spike moaned, “I’ll get us out of this,” he added with a gag as some of the sticky substance ended up in his nose. Letting out a mighty huff. They were surrounded with a green flame that dragon mailed them to Luna.

Luna was glad that her blue turtle shells were doing so well with dealing with the other racers, when whisp of green fire appeared before her and Sweetie Belle, “What’s that?” Sweetie Belle squeaked.

“I don’t know, but we won’t fall for their tricks so easily,” Luna replied releasing a blue turtle shell at the flame as it coalesced. Only for Cadance to appear, but loop the loop behind her. Which put Luna in the rather unfortunate location as lead racer, taking her released shell to the face.

Spike and Cadance cheered as they looked down at Luna crashing below. “That’s the most dangerous flier out of the way,” Cadance squeed.

“What about Twilight?” Spike asked.

“Oh please Spike, both Scootaloo and Twilight are inexperienced. There’s no way they’ll win,” Cadance chided before taking a cupcake to the face, “Celestia on the other hoof…”

Celestia plodded along like a flying brick yelling, “Cupcake attack!!!” pelting a thoroughly confused Twilight, and exasperated Cadance with a storm of cupcakes.

“Yeah! Cupcake attack!” Apple Bloom echoed with a happy giggle as her epic mount passed everypony.

Looking back at Spike, Cadance said, “extreme measures?”

“Extreme measures,” Spike nodded.

“So what other attacks do you have?” Apple Bloom asked as they became first in the race after spending so long in the back.

“Well I have a Distraction ability, and the power to block any attack once, per use with my frosting sweat.”

“That’s … that’s kinda weird,” Apple Bloom admitted. Hoping that the most powerful ruler in Equestria had some better abilities.

“Don’t underestimate the power of a good distraction, or a good frosting sweat,” Celestia sagely replied.

It was then that distorted rainbow started forming around Canterlot, “Oh no … she promised never to use that unless necessary,” Celestia shuddered.

“What is it?”

“An Adoracution … brace yourself,” she warned.

Celestia’s star-like sweat formed around Apple Bloom and herself like a shield. While surrounded Apple Bloom asked, “So, what is an Adoracution?”

“It’s an adorable, hnng inducing attack. That warps and reshapes reality. I just hope that it doesn’t -”

“I SENSE A WILD FLUTTERSHY!” Discord yelled from nowhere.

“Nailed it!” Cadance yelled as Twilight and Luna were fainted from the attack and Celestia’s infuriating shield would keep her trapped long enough for her to regain a good lead. At least that’s what she thought before she forgot one thing. Adorableness, and accidental chaos was a sure way to summon Discord.

Who for some reason was holding a giant red and white ball, and wearing a red baseball cap. Cringing Cadance yelled, “Sorry Discord that was me!”

“You? But you’re not a Fluttershy,” Discord whined.

“No … I’m not.”

“So, you’re telling me that I got Fluttershy’s favorite pokeball, and I came all the way here hoping to catch a shiny. Only because it turned out that you did the one move I commented on being like Draconequus catnip?”

“Yes?” Cadance replied.

“Alright, no problems,” Discord commented looking down at his strange ball in his hand.

“Really?” Cadance asked hopefully.

“Yep,” Discord replied before hitting Cadance in the head with the ball.

A strange light surrounded her before she found herself inside a strange alien landscape. With a tea set resting on a checkerboard blanket. “It just means that you get to spend some time in the pokeball until after me and Fluttershy have her Discord Time.”

And with that one princess was removed from the race.

Scootaloo’s natural immunity to adorable-based attacks was able to help her awaken Twilight shortly after she crashed headfirst into a library.

“Wha?” Twilight mumbled as she came too.

“Quick Twilight! Cadance cheated and we’re lagging behind! I think?” Scootaloo yelled.

“Oh right! The race!”

Twilight stumbled out of the library repeatedly apologizing, just in time to see Discord take Cadance away.

Taking into the air, she reminded herself to not only repair the library later, but to donate some of her special books to make up for breaking holy ground.

“Okay, so who’s left?” Twilight asked.

“Luna and Sweets are still out, and I think that giant ball floating in the air is Celestia and Apple Bloom.”

“Perfect. Let’s win this!” Twilight yelled. Just before a turtle shell hit her in the flank, “Oww! I thought you said they were out!”

“Welp! I guess Luna recovered faster than I thought.” Scootaloo replied as Luna sped past.

“That’s it! FIRE!” Twilight yelled adorably.

Scootaloo pulled her tail causing her to shoot Luna with repeated blasts of magic. Luna spun around to shoot an oily burst of magic when a blast hit her in the face, redirecting the spell to Luna who yelled, “I’m blind! Blind! Oh noeeezzz!”

“So how do we get out?” Apple Bloom asked.

“Oh that’s simple, why do you want to get out?”

“Because. We’re supposed to be racing.”

“But what if Discord’s still out there? I don’t want to deal with that, and it takes time to build up another charge of frosting sweat.”

“Come on! It’ll be alright. Let’s go!” Apple Bloom whined.

“Fine, but if Discord’s still out there, we’re going back to hiding. Hopefully we can sneak around him and let his focus being on the others. “

“Exactly!”

So with a game plan, Celestia broke her shield in time to see Luna and Sweetie get doused with Luna’s Oil Slick attack. Taking aim, she shoot Luna repeatedly with cupcakes till Luna fell.

“Now let’s get Twilight,” she said before taking a bite out of her halo of cupcakes.

Author's Notes:

I hope this chapter lives up to the hilarity of the previous chapters. Using this to get back into writing ... but I feel a bit rusty.

But we have two races down for the count. And two left. Who'll win? ScootLight, or AppleLestia?