Chapter Five – Context Sensitive

|[  7 ]|[o’o ]|[(  ) ]|

The moment Littlepip had drunkenly staggered out of the bar, Double Tap was off like a shot. His mind reeled as he galloped down the hall as fast as his legs would carry him. He scrambled around a corner, maintaining his momentum by rebounding off an elderly mare. She tumbled on impact and screamed something about her hip as he left her in the dust.

Rita. Gotta find Rita. She’s probably at the market. He swallowed dryly, eyes darting as he weaved through the crowded hallway. Gotta get outta here. No time to gear up. Gotta—Oh shit.

Tap involuntarily skidded to a stop as he found himself just about face to face with a rust-colored pegasus wearing a stetson. He immediately recognized the winged stallion from the Steel Ranger file. Several moments of eye contact and awkward silence followed as Tap frantically tried to remember how to use his legs. Calamity cocked a brow as Tap stepped around him. They continued to hold each other’s gaze while Tap backpedaled for several paces. The pegasus snickered, shook his head, and continued on his way. Tap kept walking backward until he bumped into another pony, rearing up in shock and coming inches from breaking a startled stallion’s nose. With a dismissive snort, Tap returned to all fours and stepped back into a gallop.

A minute of galloping later, the hall opened into an enormous, multi-level foyer, the walls decorated with intricately curled neon and carefully arranged shop windows. He knew exactly where to start looking. Ordinarily, Tap would have a hard time leaving merchandise on the shelves, but his priorities were elsewhere. The keeper of the electronics shop looked none too pleased to see Tap barreling down the aisles.

“I thought I told you not to come back here!”

Nose to nose with the portly earth pony, he demanded, “Has Paharita come through here?!”

“Yes, she was here a few minutes ago. I asked her to fetch me some paint thinner from Offal.”

Double Tap already had two hooves out of the room by the time the owner had finished speaking. He sprinted across the foyer to the general store, receiving a smile when the bubbly mare behind the register met his frenzied gaze. Offal started giggling when he slammed his forehooves on the counter and leaned toward her.

“Woah, woah! Hold on now, big guy!” She grinned, lidding her eyes and nudging her mane with a fetlock. “You’re gonna have to wait till I’m closed for the night before I can—”

“Rita? Need to find Rita!”

“Not in the mood for ponies today, huh?” The mare’s cheerful expression soured with a sigh. “She was just in here. I asked her to check and see if Sherry is willing to stop hoarding her wine. Come back when you feel like…”

The scarred unicorn was already out of earshot, shoving gawking ponies out of the way as he shot toward the wine and spirits vendor. The shop appeared to be completely empty. He danced in place, his gaze sweeping over the racks of centuries-old alcohol.

“Griffon!” he finally barked from the entrance.

The griffon in question poked her head out from behind a curtain in the back of the store. “Yello!”

“Rita, she knows!” Tap started his charge, the bottles rattling on their shelves as he passed. “She knooows!”

A snobby-looking mare stepped out from behind the curtain, nose to the ceiling. “I most certainly do! Paharita is more than welcome here, but you are absolutely not!”

Sherry attempted to block his path. Tap shouldered her into a shelf of white wine and kept going.

From behind, he heard her wail, “Guards!” 

“Jeeze-louize,” Rita squawked as Tap slid to a stop, “what’s got your reins in a knot?”

“Assault!”

“Littlepip,” he gasped. “She confronted me in the bar, and—”

“Battery!”

Paharita’s eyes lit up. “Ohmigosh you met Littlepip? Did you get her autograph?” She balled her talons, shaking them excitedly as she bobbed up and down. “Is she still there?!”

“Help!”

“No! Stop talking!” He clamped her beak shut, sparing a quick glance over his shoulder. A crowd had formed out in front of the shop. He leaned closer and lowly growled, “She knows we got hired to kill her and we need to get the fuck out of here right now.”

The little griffon did not seem the least bit deterred, her eyes still sparkling with glee. Tap made a noise somewhere between a scream and a groan, threw her over his back with his levitation, and made for the exit. Rita squirmed and flapped every step of the way. Sherry had enough sense to dive out of the way this time, shouting after him as he pushed his way through the gathered ponies. He passed several security guards as he exited the crowd, all of whom muttered and tried to look away at the sight of him.

“I just want to talk to her,” Rita whined. “I mean, if she knows, what’s the big deal?!” Tap ignored her, turning sharply and ducking into a stairwell. “You’re such a stick-in-the-mud! I might not get another chance like this!”

A few flights of stairs later and Tap was at street level, bolting for the exit. The clacking of hooves echoed behind him. He looked back to find he was being pursued by security. More ponies began to file out of the office by the door, forming a line to block the exit.

Rita started punching Tap in the side, her fists bouncing off harmlessly. “I’m so-so-so sorry everypony! I guess he’s spooked or something!” He heard an avalanche of clinking and clattering behind him. “Here’s some caps to cover whatever!”

“Oh, just let him go,” a raspy mare yelled from the office.

The line hesitantly broke, and Tap plowed through the revolving door, rocketing out of the tower. The slavers milling around in the Red Eye camp perked up as Tap came charging toward them, snarling and snorting. He began to serpentine when a few sentries opened fire, gritting his teeth as he cast flash and decoy in quick succession. Cracks of gunfire and the thump of passing bullets filled the air as he tore through the collection of tents. Paharita screamed the entire time. The angry sounds of Red Eye’s forces faded into the distance as Tap carried on at full speed, and Rita gradually pulled her talons and claws out of his sides.

Several minutes passed before the little griffon had calmed down enough to form words.

“Graaaaah! Are you flippin’ crazy? You could have gotten me killed back there!” She swatted him on the side of the head with an outstretched wing. “What’s your deal? You didn’t even let me finish my negotiations! They’re not just gonna wait for me to solve their problems!”

With the alley in sight, Tap slowed to a trot. “She had the drop on me! She knew I was coming, and she knew I was going to be in the bar! Fuck, what if she knows about the workshop too?!”

“How do you know she knows? Did she say that she knows?” He winced as Rita stuck her talon into one of the deeper scratch marks in his side. “Like, hey mister, I’m onto you!”

“Well no, but—”

“What did she say then?!”

Tap closed his eyes and furrowed his brow, feeling stupider with every word. “She didn’t actually say she knew I was an assassin or that we had been hired to kill her, but… you know, she was implying—”

“Implying.” Rita slid over Tap’s side and dusted herself off. “She was implying that she knew you were an assassin, and that you had been hired to kill her. Really? Really-really? You’re killing me here.”

Tap nickered, starting and stopping as he tried to find the words to justify himself. “You know what Rita? Go fuck yourself! You weren’t there when it happened! And besides, she mentioned you too! She knows about both of us!”

“Oh please! Everyone knows about me!” She jabbed him in the breast with an extended talon. “Listen, you’d better get me an autograph before you kill her, or I’m not gonna let you stick it in me until you’ve done something to deserve it!” Rita puffed out her cheeks and pouted while Tap gawked. Moments later, she snorted out a giggle. “Okay, maybe not that long, but you’re at least gonna have to beg first.”

A low groan rolled out of Tap’s throat as he leaned against the wall, shaking, his adrenaline surge fading. In its absence, his monstrous hangover had returned with a vengeance. Rita typed out the password on the door terminal, and the steel curtain rolled up with a rattle. The lights had been turned off, but as Rita cocked her head, they flicked back on.

“Surpriiiise!” chimed several tinny voices in unison.

Confetti drifted to the floor, and a banner reading “Welcome to your New Home!” hung from the ceiling.

“Oh, I forgot…” The griffon smiled around her beak, stepping into the room. “Sorry guys, false alarm. No new family member yet, but hey, you all get an A plus for effort!”

“Fuck this gay earth,” Tap droned, dragging himself to the bed and collapsing onto his side.

|[o8- ]|[  7 ]|[ /_\ ]|

It wasn’t until early afternoon the next day that Paharita managed to convince Tap to leave the workshop, but not for lack of trying.

Between bouts of angry sex the previous night and following morning, she had repeatedly attempted to reassure him that he was just being paranoid. After a late breakfast, it finally began to sink in, and he agreed to accompany her to Tenpony again. Just outside the tower, however, a new concern bloomed in Double Tap’s mind. He hadn’t been keeping track of how much money they had spent on bribes in the past month, but the amount of times he had seen Rita fork over their hard-earned pay was starting to make him worried. Despite that, he kept quiet as the now-familiar pony that was apparently in charge of the Red Eye camp took Rita’s offered bag of caps between his teeth.

“So what was that about yesterday?” asked the soldier, after depositing the bag of caps into his own saddlebag.

Tap narrowed his eyes. “How about: why the fuck did you open fire on us?”

“Hey, you charged us!” The soldier briefly glanced over his wither at the other slavers milling around behind him. “Scared the shit out of the greener recruits. I barely recognized the two of you until you had already plowed through to the other side of camp.”

“He just had a little scare is all,” Rita interjected. “Had to get all the stampeding out of his system. You know how it is!”

With a snicker and a wave of his foreleg, the soldier turned away.

Tap shoved Rita as he stepped past her. While Tap wanted to wash himself off more than anything, Rita had errands to finish, and there was already plenty of ammunition up in their room. On top of that, they had yet to reclaim what they left at the front door the last time they went through. For these reasons, they passed on the smuggling routine in favor of getting inside the tower swiftly. Judging by the glares the guards gave Tap as he went through the checkpoint, they were still sore about the previous day’s outburst. The scar-covered unicorn kept his head down, still feeling fairly deflated about the whole ordeal.

Once again, Tap parted ways with his feathered companion, heading for the elevator by himself, ignoring the looks of disapproval and disgust from all the other residents. A few minutes riding the elevator later, he walked down the hall to their room, mashing the key against the lock until the door opened. He left his clothes in a heap and climbed into the tub, the clip-clop of his hooves echoing off the tiled walls.

“Fuck,” he spat as he was sprayed with ice cold water.

The pipes groaned as the water heated up, and once it had reached the right temperature, Tap let out a long, happy sigh. He lazily lowered himself to the porcelain floor, folding his legs under himself and resting on his knees and cannons. Time became a foreign concept as he sat in a steam assisted daze. At the tail end of his shower, he remembered that he was supposed to be scrubbing himself. A lather, shampoo, and rinse later, Tap stepped out of the shower feeling completely refreshed.

He drank his fill from the sink, put his clothes back on, and grabbed six knives and two nine millimeter magazines from the dresser. Lastly, he put the mouthpiece of a dash inhaler between his lips and took a deep breath, grinning as the world briefly slowed down, becoming brighter and sharper. Feeling more like himself than when he arrived, he stepped out into the hall and locked the door behind him.

On the way to the elevator, a soft, bittersweet voice caressed his ears as it came through the PA system. It was one of those precious few Equestrian pre-war songs that he actually enjoyed. He leaned against the wall of the elevator as he rode it down to the market, tapping a forehoof along with the rhythm. He stopped abruptly when the doors opened; a pint-sized mare passed by, speaking with the hat-wearing pegasus he had nearly crashed into the day before. At the sight of Littlepip and Calamity, a lump formed in his throat. He took a deep breath and choked it down.

Put your game face on, you’re a professional too. He nodded to himself and stepped out of the elevator. Let’s fucking get this over with already.

He checked his pistols mid stride, feeling the slides with his levitation. He hadn’t bothered removing the silencers while he was up in his room, which meant he was ready to go. The trick, he told himself, would be staying unnoticed and hoping they went somewhere away from the crowd. He was prepared to follow them until the opportunity presented itself. And then, without warning, the pair went their separate ways. Tap ducked behind a trash can, narrowly avoiding Calamity’s sweeping gaze as he went back they way they had come. Tap’s gaze lingered on the retreating pegasus; the team’s long range specialist. According to the contract, Littlepip was to be considered top priority.

Tap turned his gaze back to her, watching as she vanished around a corner. He casually approached that same corner, leaning against the wall and peering around the bend. Pedestrian traffic was significantly lighter in the direction she had chosen to go, and she seemed to be heading for the restrooms. He watched the few other ponies in the area as closely as he was watching Littlepip.

All I need is a few moments in everypony’s blind spot. Gotta work quick. Carry the body somewhere secluded so I can get proof of termination. He glanced over his shoulder after a pair of earth ponies passed him by. There’s a janitor’s closet right down the hall. As long as she doesn’t see me coming, this will go over without a hitch.

Besides his target, only two other ponies occupied the area. One of them, a hornless stallion, aimlessly milled around the area before finally disappearing into the men’s room. Around that time, Littlepip climbed onto a bench and started going through her things. A prissy young mare gave Littlepip a curious glance, then began to walk away.

With her forehooves, Littlepip retrieved a crystal sphere of some sort, looking it over curiously. A moment later, she touched her horn to it and seemed to go into a trance. She appeared, for all intents and purposes, to be completely defenseless. Tap’s telekinetic grip tightened in anticipation, waiting for her to be completely alone. As the last potential witness sneered at him in passing, he knew that the moment had come.

Tap hugged the wall as he slipped around the corner, starting to draw his pistols.

Suddenly, a floor-to-ceiling section of the wall to the right of the bench slid away like a panel. He came to a dead stop and crammed his pistols back into their holsters. Three ponies stepped out, looking as surprised to see Tap as he was to see them. From what he could see, the wall had opened into some sort of dimly lit passage. There were more ponies within, their silhouettes giving the impression that they were adorned with robes.

“Nothing to see here,” one of the three ponies grunted as they moved toward Littlepip.

Two of them stood in front of the bench, keeping their eyes on Tap. The third, a unicorn, moved around behind them, the glow of his horn enveloping what little Tap could see of his target. The two in front moved with the third, carrying Littlepip into the wall. They were all concealed as the wall closed again moments later. Now slack jawed, Tap approached the wall and tapped it with a forehoof. It clunked solidly. There wasn’t a seam to be found. He turned toward the bench Littlepip had been sitting on mere moments ago and sat down, trying to make sense of what he had just witnessed.

At a total loss, he finally uttered, “What the fuck.”

|[o’o ]|[ /_\ ]|[(  ) ]|

A rapid knocking caused Tap to fall off the edge of the bed, landing on his belly with both pistols pointed at the door. The Steel Ranger file followed him, scattering papers and photos everywhere as it hit the ground. The likeness of Littlepip stared back at him.

“Knock-Knock!” Rita cheerfully trilled. “Are you in there?”

Double Tap heaved a sigh of relief and let his pistols clatter to the floor, only to snatch them up again immediately after. “Is there anyone with you?”

“Only our not-so-shiny new robot friend! Turns out, they did wait for me to solve their problems! Ponies are sooooo lazy!”

“How many letters in cock-tease?” Tap put both pistols to the door, a little lower than average pony eye-level, as he waited for her response.

“Two-One-Two! I already told you I was alone, silly!”

Tap unlocked the door and stepped out of the way, pistols still at the ready. Rita entered with a second rate Handy model hovering behind her.

“Although,” she added, “I’m glad to see you were paying attention when I explained the code phrases.” The griffon paused, leaning a bit closer. “Oh no, you’ve got that look again. What happened this time?”

“She has fucking bodyguards? And monks! Monk bodyguards! That sure as hell wasn’t in the file!”

“She…” Paharita tilted her head to the side, one brow arched. “What?”

“Yeah! Littlepip was using a memory orb or whatever, so I went to move in for the kill… fucking ponies came out of nowhere and just took her away! And there were these hooded motherfuckers waiting for her! They all saw me!” He whipped his head around, gnashing his teeth. “Shit, she was testing me! She knew I was following her and she wanted to see if I would actually try and take her out even after she warned me in the bar!”

Rita snickered as she shut and locked the door. “That’s pretty weird, but I don’t think that—”

“I don’t know how we’re supposed to do this if she keeps guessing my moves before I make them.” Tap turned away, stepping up to a window. The sickly glow of the sun had all but faded, a curtain of darkness settling across the ruins of Manehattan. “But that’s twice in a row that I’ve seen her in here.” He glanced back at the griffon. “Do you think she lives here, too? It wasn’t in the file.”

“If I knew where Littlepip lived, do you think I’d be hanging out with you all day?” She chirped out a cruel little giggle. “I haven’t heard anything about it on the radio, so...”

Rita shrugged and hopped up onto the bed. She patted the sheets beside her, grinning as the metal spider floated to her side. Tap turned his attention back to the window as she got out a screwdriver. Something at ground level caught his attention. A stream of flickering torch-light slowly trickled away from where Red Eye’s forces had set up camp. Without a word to Rita, he scrambled to the door, throwing open the locks and nearly ripping it off its hinges.

“Not again!”

“Just stay here,” he called from the hallway. “I’ll be right back!”

The elevator was extremely crowded on the way down. Clearly, other residents had noticed what he had noticed, and were eager to investigate. He doubted any of them would be willing to get as close as he was, though. An unintelligible uproar rolled in from the market when the doors opened. Everypony was in the process of flooding to the windows. In moments, the elevator completely vacant, save for himself.

With a sharp zap, Paharita appeared on the other side of the car.

“Oh what—”

Rita pointed his way, lowering her brow. “Hey, I have to make sure you don’t kill anyone we’re not getting paid to kill while you’re being all crazy. That kinda nonsense is bad for business.”

“They’re leaving!” he heard someone shout just before the doors closed.

Tap grumbled. “Fine, whatever. This won’t take long.”

Before coming within sight of the security checkpoint, Tap dropped his knives and magazines into a trash can. He had no doubt that they would search him when he tried to come back in. The guards stared daggers at him as he approached the exit.

“You gonna go with ‘em?” one of the guards taunted. “That would be great. We’ll even help you pack.”

“That’s not very nice,” Rita scolded. “He’s having crisis.”

Tap snorted. “You’re all a riot.”

Outside, the ground was littered with freshly emptied cans and scraps of food. Several campfires lay scattered around, some still glowing with embers, but all the tents and ponies that had been there just a few hours ago were now almost gone. Nearby, he heard a pony barking orders, and the sound of clattering metal along with the beat of multiple sets of hooves. When Tap glanced in the direction of the shout, he spotted a red and black flag bearing a stylized white eye with a crimson iris.

He quickly stepped around the rusted frame of a passenger carriage and found himself looking at a camp of Red Eye’s soldiers, but they had been greatly reduced from what he remembered. Others were in the process of marching away from what remained of the camp, looking to join the much larger group radiating in the distance. As he slowly approached the gathering of tents that were still standing, several guards around the perimeter perked up and readied their weapons. He stopped abruptly, still a good two dozen paces from the camp.

“Woah, woah! We’re friendlies!” He looked to his side, but Rita wasn’t there. She smiled and waved to him from the surprisingly well lit manticore booth as he glanced over his wither. “You feathery cocksucker,” he muttered under his breath.

“We ain’t friends with nopony!” spat a hornless soldier, illuminated by the flickering campfire behind him. “What the fuck do you want?”

“How come you guys were set up out here?” He glanced to the increasingly distant mass of soldiers. “And why are you leaving now?”

Another guard simply grunted, “Littlepip.”

His mouth agape, Tap turned from the camp and rejoined Paharita. She had her earbuds in, holding a dirty styrofoam container that he could only assume was from the manticore stand. His heart felt like a brick of lead in his breast.

“Looks like your Light-Bringer made entering the tower toll-free again.”

She looked up at him, nodding. “DJ Ponethree was just telling me about it! Isn’t Littlepip great?!”

|[ /_\ ]|[BAR]|[  7 ]|

Finding Littlepip in the crowd wasn’t too difficult; he knew what to look for at this point. Convincing Rita to keep her distance was another story, but somehow he had managed that as well.

With so many ponies standing around, excitedly shouting about how Red Eye was pulling his ponies out, it was very easy to hide in plain sight. He shadowed the tiny unicorn as she moved through the market foyer, but something else had caught his attention.

There was another mare in her company; one that wasn’t in the file. From what he could hear through the chatter, as the two idly conversed about the sudden turn of events: her voice had an exotic flare. On top of that, her movements differed from that of the ponies around her. Every step was a precise, controlled motion, but simultaneously fluid and effortless. Her ears were constantly swiveling, her gaze sweeping her surroundings as she carefully maneuvered through the crowd, completely avoiding physical contact.

All signs pointed to either an expert in dancing or martial arts, and if this mare was in Littlepip’s company, he assumed it wasn’t the former.

As he continued to watch her, he noticed subtle differences in her physical appearance. It wasn’t the scars covering her body that seemed off. He had plenty of those. It was the way that the majority of her dock was exposed, only flowing into the hairs of her tail toward the tip. Her hooves seemed smaller, and the bridge of her muzzle was a much more gradual incline; not quite masculine, but not that of the typical pony mare, either. The way her mane stuck straight up was also unusual. Suddenly, it clicked.

She wasn’t a pony at all.

Xenith, you dyed your entire coat the color of your stripes, didn’t you? A grin spread across Tap’s lips. Clever girl.

The more he thought about it, the more it made sense. Tenpony would probably object to the presence of a zebra, but there she was, striding right through their midst.

And she was gorgeous.

Tap shook away the feeling of longing, focusing on Littlepip again. They were on their way to the elevator. Fortunately, so were a lot of other ponies. He managed to squeeze into the far side of the car, waiting patiently for the doors to close. Half of the buttons on the panel were lit up. As the elevator began its ascent, he began to strategize.

I haven’t seen the rogue Steel Ranger or the other unicorn yet.  The elevator emptied slightly after coming to a stop. He relaxed, easing into the newly acquired breathing room. Maybe they don’t all come down at once. One or two stay behind to watch the room, make sure there aren’t any uninvited guests. Smart. I doubt they’re keeping a phoenix indoors, so I shouldn’t have to worry about that.

A soft ding signaled another stop, a few more ponies stepping out of the car. He caught a glimpse of Xenith through the thinning crowd. In that same moment, he noticed a unicorn about the same size as Littlepip, but with shocks of wild, blue hair. She was giving him the stink eye.

Still, there’s no way I can take down a pony in power armor without bringing security to their door. I can at least take care of some or all of the soft targets. The leader and the sniper will to be the biggest threats, next to the Steel Ranger. The medic shouldn’t be much of a fight. He looked over at Littlepip and her incognito companion again, chewing his lower lip. The car was now half empty, and it continued to rise. I’ve kind of been looking forward to fighting that zebra… better play it safe, though. I just hope they’re not all sleeping in the same room. A party that big, they’re probably in one of the suites. Probably wear a mask, just in case they wake up and I have to bail. Wait, shit…

Suddenly, Tap found himself in a one way game of chicken. The plan had been to watch them get off at an earlier floor, but his targets stayed put, casually looking around. Three more stops had been queued, and counting himself, there were six ponies remaining in the car. The elevator slowed, and the doors rolled open, but none of the passengers exited. The doors closed again and the elevator continued to rise. Littlepip’s idle gaze met his, and his heart stopped. She snickered quietly as the mare with the blue mane leaned in and whispered something to her. With all the speed of a glacier, he looked away, grinding his teeth all the while.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

The doors opened again, and Tap stumbled out with two of the remaining ponies, relieved that Littlepip and Xenith didn’t follow him. He turned back to the doors and watched the glowing indicator pause near the top floor. He recalled Rita mentioning something about DJ Ponethree’s studio being up there, and he knew for a fact that the upper floors were exclusively penthouses for the most wealthy and important residents. It made sense to Tap that Littlepip would be getting the hero treatment. Fairly certain that he knew where she was sleeping, he pushed the down button, already piecing together his plan. When the doors opened he put his plans on hold.

Xenith was there, staring back at him.

She had one hoof raised and out of sight, he assumed to either hold some sort of weapon or to keep the doors open. Possibly both. The dyed zebra remained silent, her gaze unblinking.

“Uh…” he finally uttered, “I missed my stop.”

“And I am holding the door open for you.”

“Yeah, I see that… thanks.”

Hesitantly, Tap stepped inside, never once turning his back to her. The walls of the car felt like ice as he backed into a corner. Her eyes followed him every step of the way, and then she stepped away from the panel and into corner across from him. His mind buzzed with half formed strategies, simultaneously cursing himself for stepping into the elevator at all. Fighting her hoof to hoof had been a pleasant fantasy, but in such tight quarters the odds were stacked strongly against him, even with firepower on his side. For the moment, she appeared to have no interest in fighting, but he knew that could change in an instant.

“Do you not know what floor you reside on?”

“No! Yes. I mean—I think I’m uh…” He slid to the other corner and reached for the panel, waving his fetlock over the buttons. She moved to the opposite corner. “Oh, you know what? I forgot something at the market.”

Xenith narrowed her eyes as he made his selection. Tap put on a big, fake smile.

“You are not what you appear to be,” she stated.

His smile vanished. “Neither are you.”

Slowly, Tap circled to the other side of the car. Xenith mirrored his every move. His plans began to solidify. If he could successfully defeat her, he would have to stash her body on top of the elevator and deal with it later. The idea fell apart as he realized that her blood would probably leak through the ceiling.

“I saw you earlier,” she calmly informed him. “Outside the restrooms.”

“I really had to use the toilet.”

She cocked a brow. “Did you intend to shoot the toilet?”

“I check my guns every so often.” He sniffed quietly. “It’s a habit.”

“And I am sure that keeping your weapons muffled is also a habit.”

Tap furrowed his brow, coming to a stop with his back to the door. Escape was the only viable option.

“Okay,” Tap finally managed. “Where are you going with this?”

“I do not like you. Stay away from us.”

A soft ding hung in the air. The doors rattled open, letting in a flood of background noise.

“Yeah, I get that a lot.” He took a step back. “Your scars are beautiful, by the way.”

Xenith remained silent, looking him dead in the eyes until the doors clicked shut.

|[BAR]|[o’o ]|[o8- ]|

“You’re sure you don’t want me to just fly you up?”

Tap shuddered at the thought. “Never again. You ready?”

Paharita nodded, wiggling her haunches and half-spreading her wings. Tap bit his lower lip to stop himself from laughing. It was a wonder she could fly at all. After a few moments of readying herself, she leapt from her perch on the windowsill, opening up to her full wingspan and hooking left. The night swallowed her up in seconds. Tap leaned against the sill, a strong wind pulling at his mane and making him squint. Cradling a laser pointer in his telekinetic field, he began to rapidly push the button, aiming it skyward.

After a few minutes of this, a thick black cable snaked its way down the side of the building. He put the beacon away, fighting the wind to levitate the rope closer. He checked his harness, slipped on a mask, and fed the rope through the buckle, giving a few tugs to make sure it was secure. Satisfied, Tap took a long hit of dash and stepped outside.

Gravity immediately took over. He dangled against the side of Tenpony Tower as he tried to get his bearings. Another strong wind tore at him, rustling his holsters and the body bag strapped to his back. The full body catsuit he wore kept him warm. His hind hooves clicked against cement as he righted himself, pinching the cable between his forehooves and teeth. He stepped to the side, away from the open window and lifted himself higher, trying to ignore the taste of the cable as it slithered over his tongue. Slowly, he began the climb toward his destination. So long as it didn’t take him all night to get there, he was fine with the speed of his ascent. Most or all of them would hopefully be asleep by the time he arrived.

Tap’s jaw was on fire by the time he reached what he hoped was the correct floor. He reset the buckle with his telekinesis for the umpteenth time to make sure he didn’t fall to his death, then spat out the cable, letting his tongue loll in disgust. Rita drifted over to him over him, her brow cocked.

“Is it unlo…” His whisper trailed off, and he blinked in confusion as he studied the enormous panes of glass. “Can I even open this?”

She gave him a thumbs up, then pointed to the one she had tinkered with. “The lower ones are on hinges. You’re all set. I’ll settle for a souvenir since an autograph is probably out of the question.”

The unicorn sneered and steadied his hooves, sidestepping along the wall toward the softly glowing window. A barely audible zap sounded from behind him, followed by the increasingly distant rustling of feathers. From within, he heard muffled music. Tap took another deep breath through a dash inhaler, closing his eyes to go over the plan.

He stepped in through the window. Littlepip was watching the door, revolver leveled, or maybe she was waiting for him, or maybe she was sleeping, or maybe Calamity was balls deep in her. The important thing was that she was oblivious to his presence. If she or anypony else noticed him and opened fire, and he managed to survive, he left a decoy and aborted the mission. If not, he put two in the side of her head and the heads of any other ponies present.

It would take too long to cut off her leg, so he put her entire body in the body bag, took the ears of any secondary targets he had dropped, and then stepped back outside and hooked back up to the cable. The slide back down was quick and easy. He strobed again, and Rita retrieved the cable, joining him soon after. They spent the rest of the night having victory sex.

-0-

When Tap opened his eyes, he stared hard at intended point of entry. He doubted they would expect him to come from the window, so in theory, he would have the element of surprise.

There were contingency plans, of course. He was counting on them being clever enough to smuggle ammunition into the tower, or simply being allowed to carry live rounds on account of being heroes. Alerts and returned fire were instant grounds for abortion. In the event of a lookout, he would take down the awake pony or ponies first and worry about identification second. Littlepip was the priority target, but he would settle for secondaries if he couldn’t take her down without risking his discovery. Taking them all on at once would clearly be suicidal, and if Steelhooves, or all of them, were awake and waiting, the plan was forfeit provided he could even get out alive. Steelhoves being in any state of alertness was the worst case scenario.

A nervous chill ran down his spine. He waited for the wind to die down, then grasped the latch on the other side of the glass with his levitation and slowly pulled the window open. Sweet, slow music crackled its way to his ears. Tap peered inside and gave the room a quick visual sweep. No sign of movement. He took a few cautious steps inside, unhooking himself from the cable and closing the window behind him.

As his eyes adjusted to the gentle, flickering light of candles, the number of books lining the shelves that lined everything else gave Tap the distinct impression that he was standing in some kind of library. He also noticed furniture that didn’t quite blend in with its surroundings. A bed occupied the space nearby, centered under the vaulted windows, the covers mostly in a heap on the floor. A musky, feminine scent lingered in the air. Somepony had been very busy very recently, and he didn’t have to think too hard to guess what they were doing. He flattened against a bookshelf as he recalculated with the new information.

At least one of his targets was awake. Unless they had laid a trap, he could assume they didn’t know he was there. Although the suite had a different layout than he had anticipated, the plan had not changed.

The phonograph on the nightstand continued to play as Tap swept along the bookshelf, pausing behind the occasional bookshelf-ringed column to check his surroundings. Both pistols floated in the magically dimmed light of his levitation, drawn in the event that his query returned. Barring Steelhooves, he was prepared to deal with any other member of Littlepip’s party. He waited at the door for almost a minute, counting to the beat of his heart, but they never came back. Gritting his teeth, he wrapped the door handle in his levitation. The door rattled as he tried to open it. He gritted his teeth, realizing a moment later that is was locked and remedying the situation by twisting a metal tab above the handle. With that taken care of, he cracked the door open far enough to give him a sliver of vision into the dimly lit room beyond.

From what he could see, it opened into some kind of enormous antechamber. His eyes followed a staircase that ran up to a balcony and another door. A sound like running water echoed to him from somewhere inside. He opened the door a little wider, cautiously slinking out of the study turned bedroom. The source of the trickling and splashing, he discovered, was a fountain in the center of the room that was shaped like an alicorn. The room was completely empty as far as other ponies were concerned.

Where is everyone? Did I tell Rita to pick a lock on the wrong floor? Am I just breaking into some random pony’s apartment here? Or are they all behind that door up the stairs, maybe?

He looked around the room again. Besides the door behind the balcony and the door to the athenaeum, there were two other entrances. One of them appeared to be getting smaller, narrowing horizontally. He realized that they were elevator doors, but there was no elevator car waiting inside the shaft. With his head cocked, he watched the cables shudder and sway until the doors softly clicked shut. Tap spent a moment watching them to see if they would open again, but nothing happened. The other door remained still.

Shit, what if Littlepip knew I was coming? Another nervous shiver ran through his body. What if she went to go get the others? Or security? She would! That cunt would rather humiliate me than—

Muffled laughter perked his ears, disrupting his train of thought. It had come from the other door. As he continued his circuit of the room, walking on eggshells as he passed the elevator, he realized that there was running water on the other side of that door; a spattering sound, like a shower. Tap raised his pistols as a long, shuddering moan reverberated through the wood. He swallowed and wrapped the handle in his levitation.

A click echoed through the atrium. His heart nearly jumped out of his throat. He spun around, pistols leveled. No one was there. As his eyes frantically searched the room, he noticed the door he had come through was now closed.

Son of a bitch!

He crossed the room as swiftly and quietly as he could, stacking up against the wall as he prepared to sneak in behind whoever had just gone into the study. Tap cast one last glance around the atrium and a sharp, wicked smile cut through the darkness, fading again just as quickly.

“No one here but us ghosts.”

Tap squeezed his eyes shut, trying to shake Lady Luck out of his head. Go torment someone else. I’m busy.

“Torment?” she repeated with feigned offense. He was thankful for her silence after that.

The scarred unicorn spent a moment collecting himself, taking deep breaths as he squeezed the library-bedroom door handle. Whoever had closed it had also left it unlocked. A grin tugged at the corners of Tap’s lips, feeling like his luck was becoming favorable again. The door opened just as quietly as before. He slipped in unnoticed, his eyes on a hooded pony that slowly and carefully walked through the room. The pony paused at the bed. Tap held his breath, crouching behind a pillar. When he looked out again, the pony had shed their cloak. More importantly, that pony was Littlepip.

While she was busy with her PipBuck, he slipped out from behind the pillar and closed in. She turned as he lined up his silencers, practically pressing them against her forehead when her wide eyes focused on him.

“Um…” she squeaked. “H-hi?”

Two dry clicks filled the air, barely echoing in the enormous library. Littlepip fell limply at the foot of the bed, landing in the heap of sheets. Without delay, he grabbed the closest corners of the sheets with his telekinesis and lifted, Littlepip’s weight settling in the center as the sheets drifted away from the floor. He reached back and undid the clasp on the body bag, shaking himself to make it slide off. From there, he pulled the zipper open with his teeth, spread the mouth of the bag as much as he could, and stuffed Littlepip into it, sheets and all. He draped the body bag across his back and fastened it back into place.

Tap exhaled a long sigh of relief and glanced back at the door to make sure he was still alone. Not wanting to spend any longer behind enemy lines, he stepped away from the bed and climbed back into the windowsill. The cable easily supported the extra weight, and he rappelled back down to his room in only a few minutes. On the way down, he began piecing together the next phase of the plan. Seeing as he left no evidence of her murder, the remainder of Littlepip’s party would no doubt break off in search of her. Xenith might present a problem, but he could worry about that when the time came. He was still fantasizing about false leads and all sorts of traps when Paharita fluttered back into their room.

“You were supposed to signal me, glue-for-brains! Thank goodness I was watching the window when you came out or who knows how long I would have been circling up there!” She dropped a heap of coiled cable into the corner, stretching her neck afterwards. “Hey, are you even listening to me?”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” He grinned and undid the clasp on the body bag, shouldering it off and levitating it to the floor. “I was too busy thinking about the fucking Light-Bringer I just bagged!”

“Ohmygosh you really did it? Did you bring me her whole body? That’s so sweet!  I didn’t think you would bring the whole body back! Let me see! Let me see!” She nearly fell across the pony sized bag, eagerly tugging the zipper down and pulling the sheet wrapped body out onto the floor. “I’m gonna have to talk to Steel Trap again! I wanna get her taxidermied and have her rearing up, with her forelegs out. We can use her like a gun rack!”

“Still gotta deal with the others. I kinda want to clear out of here soon. I ran into—”

“What is this?!”

Startled by the outburst, Double Tap looked down at Rita and the now uncovered body of Littlepip, but he simply lacked the mental capacity to process what had occurred.

Littlepip was gone.

There was definitely still a body sprawled out on the sheets, blood pouring out of a pair of fatal head wounds, but it no longer resembled Littlepip’s. What lay before him now was insectoid in nature, while still being reminiscent of a pony. Her coat had been replaced with a black carapace, and her horn lacked spiraling grooves. Blue, iridescent eyes stared lifelessly across the room, and a set of four transparent wings stretched out from her back, raised in what he could only guess had been alarm. Her mane, tail, ears, and hooves seemed tattered and decayed. The blood wasn’t red, either. A thick, green ichor pooled in the fabric, glistening.

Rita glanced up at him, then back down at the bizarre corpse. “Well?”

Tap went slack jawed. “How the fuck am I supposed to know? It looked like her when I put two fucking bullets in her head!”

“Well somewhere between then and now,” she pointed a talon, stabbing in his direction, “you goofed!”

“How do you know Littlepip wasn’t this thing the whole time?!”

The griffon puffed out her cheeks “Littlepip is not a changeling!”

“What the literal fuck is a changeling?!”

“It’s like a bug thing! Anyway, good job killing one, but now you’re gonna have to go back up there and kill the real Littlepip!”

“No fucking way! I’m sitting right here and I’m not doing shit! Xenith probably told Littlepip about what happened in the elevator and…”

“Xenith?!” Rita interrupted. Tap continued rambling at full speed.

“…another one of her fucking tests! Ugh, I’m going to wake up one day and she’ll be standing over me, probably pissing in my mouth or something! Ha-ha,” he said in his best Littlepip voice, “you’re not so hot after all, are you—”

She grabbed him by the withers, shaking him. “When did you see that zebra? Zebras aren’t allowed here! This is an esteemed, high class establishment!”

“I talked to her in the elevator! And fuck you, you racist asshole! She’s beautiful and I would totally bone her!”

“Ugh! You see?!” Rita folded her arms, glaring at him. “You talked to her, and she put her hoodoo on ya! Now you wanna bang her, and you’re killing monsters! For Littlepip!”

Tap’s eyes widened. “Zebras can do that?”

“Uh, yeah! Duh!” Rita sulked her way into the bathroom. “A zebra! Great! Now I'm gonna have to change the locks!"

Later, after calming down with a sip of Southern Comfort, Rita busied herself with the PipBuck on the changeling’s foreleg. Tap lay mostly on the floor beside her, propped up against the side of the bed and nursing the rest of the bottle.

“It seems like every time I’m going to try something, she’s two steps ahead of me already.” His head rolled back, and he stared blankly up at the ceiling. “How the fuck am I supposed to beat her?” 

Rita suddenly perked up. "Congrats, you assassinated Littlepip's assassin."

“I mean, she…” Tap looked back to his companion. “Wait, what?”

“Well, more like Littlepip's assassin who would go on to assassinate and replace DJ Ponethree.” Rita patted the changeling corpse next to her. 

“I guess this little bugger came up through the elevator shaft around the same time you snuck in, and... long story short, it looks like tonight was supposed to be their big night, and you inadvertently ruined several decade’s worth of careful planning.” She glanced up at him, waggling her brows. “Not that it wasn’t something Littlepip couldn’t handle on her own but, you know, nice job!”

“So Littlepip not only knew I was coming, she baited me so that I would kill another threat. That is just…” He put the mouth of the bottle to his lips, taking another swig.

“I don’t think she knew this was gonna happen. Yeah, it’s a big coincidence, but come on!” She spent a long moment staring at the changeling, a grin slowly curling the corners of her mouth. “You wanna investigate this some more?”

Tap tilted his head until the room was diagonal. “Are we getting paid to investigate it some more?”

“Well, no...” Rita met his slanted gaze, smiling. “But it could be fun to—”

“Fuck no.” Tap felt the bottle slipping out of his levitation and lurched forward to catch it between his hooves. Somewhere in the distance, he heard a deep rumble. “I fight raiders, mutants, cyborgs, and cyborg raider mutants. Not fucking alien-monster things! Unless I’m getting paid to deal with it, this shit is not my problem.”

The griffon deflated, pouting. “Fine, jeeze... stick-in-the-mud. What about Littlepip, then?”

“She has more luck than me. That’s the only explanation.”

“What?”

He leaned closer, staring deep into her eyes. “And she’s going to kill me and take my luck and become even more invincible.”

Rita pushed him away, cocking her brow. “I’m pretty sure luck doesn’t stack.”

“You don’t know that!”

“Well, at least this wasn’t a total loss.” She reached around the changeling, withdrawing her talon with something that looked like two dicks stuck together end on end. He didn’t remember grabbing it, but he realized that it must have been in the heap of sheets he used to wrap the body. “I’m gonna go clean this off and claim it as my own!”

Watching her from the bed, Tap decided consolation sex would be just as good as victory sex.

|[  7 ]|[o8- ]|[ /_\ ]|

Double Tap gave the bed one last longing glance. At the sound of snapping fingers, he returned his attention to Rita. Her expression was stern, but far from angry. If anything, he thought her serious face was kind of cute. She took a deep breath, puffed out her chest, and spread her wings.

“Are you gonna do this?!”

Tap reared up, kicking at the air. “I’m gonna do this!”

Rita jabbed him in the breast with a talon when he came down. “Are you gonna get money?!”

He nodded enthusiastically. “I’m gonna get paid!”

“Alright! Let’s kill Littlepip!”

“Let’s… let’s kill… oh fuck.” Tap turned away from the door. “I can’t do this!”

“Come oooooon!” She stomped after him, grabbing him by the mane and forcing him to look her in the eyes. “How many more times do I have to get you worked up before you’re ready to leave?!”

The mattress uttered a metallic creak as he roughly sat down on it. “She’s untouchable, Rita! I would have killed any other pony four or five times over by now!”

“Okay, well, since you’re crazy enough to actually believe she knows what you’re gonna do before you do it, how about I make up the plan?”

He narrowed his eyes as he looked up at her. “What do you even know about tactical strategy?”

“First off, I don’t think you can use those two words together like that. Second, I planted a tracking beacon on their Sky Bandit last night just in case you screwed up, which you did!”

“I’m an adult, I do what I want.” He paused as the last part sunk in. “And thanks for the lack of faith, you beak-faced cock wringer!”

Paharita grinned. “It pays to think ahead!”

“You dumb motherfucker, why didn’t you tell me their thing was parked up there? I could have put a fucking bomb on it! Those passenger carriages are just begging to explode as is!”

“Oh.” Her grin vanished. “Well, I didn’t, and we wouldn’t be having this discussion if you hadn’t killed the wrong Littlepip! It’s still totally your fault!”

“Whatever! So what are you suggesting, then? An ambush?”

“Yes! An ambush! Glad I thought of it!”

“That… could work. I let her come to me, snuff her out, and anyone else that might be with her. No rules out in the wasteland. Don’t have to worry about waking neighbors or blowing shit up.” He nodded, easing back onto his forehooves and slipping his hinds off the bed. “So the question is where. We have to figure out where she’s going before she gets there. Isn’t that what we were already supposed to be doing?”

“We got a little distracted, I guess. Don’t worry, though, I’ll get right on it!” Rita stepped away, approaching the dresser. “After breakfast.”

He nodded in agreement. “Yeah.”

While Rita was busy digging through the drawers, Tap was drawn to the window, staring out into the damp grey that had settled over the Manehattan ruins. The soft patter of rain against the glass lulled Tap into a state of tranquility. A yank on his tail brought him right out again. He saw a jagged grin in his reflection before he turned away.

Rita ruffled her feathers with impatience. “Let’s get going already! You can space out as much as you want when I have food I my tummy!”

|[(  ) ]|[BAR]|[BAR]|

“I hate getting wet,” Rita whimpered.

Tap shared the sentiment, to a degree. He was very fond of baths, and showers, and swimming, but getting his clothes and gear soaked with cold rain did not fall within those boundaries. Another strong wind whipped by, and he gritted his teeth in an effort to resist shivering. It was Rita’s suggestion that they leave Tenpony before the rain let up because, apparently, that’s what Littlepip and her crew were doing. When he and Rita made a pit stop at the workshop to drop off the new robot, she had turned down her rain gear. Now that she looked like a wet feather duster, he could see in her eyes just how much she regretted making that call.

Amusement aside, the downpour continued to intensify, showing no sign of slowing down. With everything covered in a humid haze and sheets of rain, visibility was very poor. On top of that, flying in this kind of weather was not particularly beneficial. The sky bandit was moving at a snail’s pace as Calamity fought the winds and rain, and they had already come to a complete stop once already. Tap and Rita were having no problem keeping up, and Tap guessed that it probably would have been faster if they had just traveled by hoof, like he was doing. It was a blessing and a curse rolled into one.

He glanced back to check on Rita, watching as she pecked at her PipBuck and ambled along on three legs. She let her talon drop back to the ground, splashing into a puddle.

“They’re slowing down,” she groaned. “Kill them so we can go back home.”

Within a few minutes, Rita cawed twice, the signal that they were approaching their target. Fragments of their conversation reached his ears as he crept closer, interrupted by the howling wind and relentless rain.

“…bathroom again.” He recognized Littlepip’s voice.

“…just a suggestion, but if you have such a tiny bladder…” Unfamiliar, but it wasn’t Xenith or Calamity, which left Velvet or Steelhooves. It certainly wasn’t Steelhooves.

“…figure ya’ll can jus’ piss out the windows, really.” Velvet raised her voice to protest, but Calamity just snickered. “Ain’t like anyponys gonna notice a ‘lil extra wet on a day like this!”

They had touched down in an intersection. The street was uneven, broken up into enormous chunks of concrete that jutted skyward. Tap crouched behind one of them, peering over the jagged edge, and caught a glimpse of them moving around in the haze. The silhouette of the sky bandit sat in the center of their blurred movement. Blowing up the passenger carriage seemed much more practical than waiting for one of them to break away from the group. He levitated a grenade from his bandoleer, putting tension on the pin.

A pit formed in the concrete slab with a loud thump, just a little to the left of Tap’s head. Following that was the powerful crack of a revolver. He fell back and let the grenade, pin still in place, tumble harmlessly out of his telekinetic hold.

Shit!

With two unicorns now alert, he doubted a grenade would stay where he had intended to throw it. The Comedies left their holsters. He was expecting one or more of Pip and company to come charging over the ridge at any moment. Instead, he heard Velvet shouting over the storm, her voice greatly amplified.

“Whoever or whatever you are out there, we’re just passing through! We mean you no harm, and we’ll be leaving presently!” At a normal volume, she scolded, “Really, do you have to try and kill everything you come across?”

“They showed up as hostile,” Littlepip whined. “What if they were going to ambush us?”

Rita cast a glare in Tap’s direction as he holstered his pistols and crawled past her.

“Well,” Velvet replied, “if they were, they’ve clearly lost their nerve. Let them go, and let us be on our way.”

“Where do you think you’re going?” the soaked griffon quietly hissed. “Get over there and shoot them!”

Tap slowed to a stop and turned his gaze, calmly looking her in the eyes. “Four heavily armed ponies, an expert in Fallen Caesar, and a phoenix. And you want me to just shoot them. After I’ve lost the element of surprise, and they know exactly where we’re sitting.” He began crawling again, moving in the direction of a nearby building. “Fuck. You. Paharita.”

It was mostly dry inside the building he had set his sights on. The presence of coolers with smashed doors, tipped shelves, and an empty register told him he was sitting in what used to be a corner store. He kept listening, constantly checking behind him, but Littlepip had apparently listened to Velvet’s advice. The wet silence outside told him that they had taken to the air again. Rita essentially confirmed his assumption as she barged in behind him.

“Just what is your problem, huh?” She stomped up to him, jabbing him right in the nose with an extended talon. “Making me trudge through this awful weather, and then, when they’re all right in front of you, you can’t even do your job? Well, you get right back on your hooves, mister,” she swung her pointing talon toward the door, “because we’re going after them!”

“Chasing them around is really fucking stupid. The plan was to let them come to us, you know, so we can ambush them. Also, I just learned something.”

Paharita looked up from a trash can, in the middle of pulling the bag out. “You learned something. Oh, this should be good.”

“PipBucks can detect intent.”

“Well yeah.” She dumped the contents of the two century old trash bag onto the floor, then bit down on the plastic and tore a hole in the top. “It’s really cool how it works, actually!”

“Rita.”

“I read an article about it once. When it’s scanning for life, it’s simultaneously—”

Tap snorted, pegging her in the side of the head with an empty soda can. “Rita, shut your fucking beak for a second.” She scowled and rubbed the point of impact. “If Littlepip knows where we are before we can even see her, and she can judge our intentions before I’ve fired a shot, we need to figure out some way to hide in plain sight as far as motives go.”

The griffon pulled the bag over herself, her beak protruding from her improvised poncho. “I don’t get it.”

“How can we show up as non-hostile?”

“What, on an EFS scan? Uh…” She slit the front open with a talon, waving her forearms around to make sure she had a free range of motion. “Not wanting to kill her would probably be a good start, but good luck with that.”

“I figured…” Tap fished through the broken glass at the bottom of a vending machine, retrieving a granola bar. “So what if we get the drop on her when she’s fighting other ponies? PipBucks can’t tell the difference between targets, right? Just who’s an enemy and who’s not.”

“So you’re saying… you’re gonna hide behind other enemies, and kill her while she’s busy with them? Like, wait until she has to reload?”

He nodded. “Pretty much.”

|[(  ) ]|[  7 ]|[ /_\ ]|

“Why the fuck did she come out to Fetlock?”

From behind, Paharita bubbled, “Stable Twenty Nine was constructed here! She’s probably feeling homesick or something. I dunno.”

A flicker in the distance caught Tap’s attention. He stopped abruptly, and his companion plowed into his haunches.

“Hey!” she squawked. “What’s the big—”

“Hail, followers of Applejack,” boomed the now familiar voice of Velvet Remedy. Tap threw himself behind a mound of concrete slabs, dragging Rita with him via telekinesis. “Littlepip and her Entourage bid you welcome and request an audience with SteelHooves.”

Double Tap quickly realized that Steelhooves had not been among Littlepip and company for the entire duration of time he had spent stalking them around the wasteland. He gave himself a solid crack on the forehead to accompany the revelation. Rita cocked a brow and grinned, but remained silent.

“So wait,” he whispered. “Does this mean the Steel Rangers captured Steelhooves? Are they negotiating now?” He got back to his hooves and continued his cautious approach toward the flicker in the distance. A mechanical sound nearby gave him reason to pause. Before he could decide his next course of action, a bright light cut through the darkness, blinding him. He shielded his eyes with a foreleg. “What the fuck!?”

“Stay where you are,” a stallion sternly command. “This area is under the control of Applejack’s Rangers.” Even though the light was overwhelming, he knew the sound of a power armor’s speaker system when he heard one. “What is your business here?”

“Business?” Tap snorted. “Littlepip just came through here, right? We’ve got some business with her.” He took a step forward, squinting, barely able to make out the silhouette of the Steel Ranger, and at least two more behind him. “Don’t you assholes put out memos or something? You hire us to do a job and then you let her—”

The rest of his sentence was lost as Rita muzzled him with her claws, kicking him in the stomach with a hind paw.

“I’m so, so sorry mister Applejack Ranger sir,” Rita shouted. “This little guy hasn’t been right in the head since the accident! I knew I shouldn’t have let him listen to the radio without supervision!” The Steel Ranger glanced to Rita, and then back at his support, bathing them in the light from his helmet. The red streaks they had painted across their armor stood out in the damp darkness surrounding them. “So, we’ll just be on our way... sorry to bother you!”

“I can’t take you anywhere,” Rita loudly scolded, though clearly trying to suppress her laughter.

The rain continued as a gentle drumming against the windows of the house he and Rita had taken shelter in. It was a two story structure about several minutes trot from where they had encountered Applejack’s Rangers, and it had weathered the last two centuries surprisingly well. They had chosen the bedroom for their temporary lodgings. The air was a little dusty, but by some miracle, the plumbing still worked. As soon as Tap had slipped out of his wet clothes and taken another shower, he sprawled across the bed, staring up at the ceiling.

He was starting to form a better understanding of why the Steel Rangers had hired him to take out Littlepip, but more than that, why they wanted Steelhooves dead as well. At first, he had just assumed it was due to his association with Littlepip. Now that he had started to put the pieces together, the fight between the power-armored ponies he had witnessed the other night suddenly made a lot more sense.

“So if Littlepip and Steelhooves are heading up this coup…”

“I already told you that Littlepip isn’t actually a part of it.” He turned toward Rita, who was huddled over a television in the corner, busy tinkering. “Steelhooves and the Steel Rangers that agreed with him broke off into a faction calling themselves Applejack’s Rangers. They’re not staging a coup d’état so much as they’re just ponies that have dissented with the longstanding goals of the Steel Ranger administration and decided to form their own faction.”

“How the hell do you know that? That wasn’t in the file.”

“That wasn’t in the file,” Rita mimicked. She looked up and tapped her PipBuck several times. “Radio! You should seriously listen to DJ Ponethree. He’s fantastic when it comes to staying up to date on stuff.”

“Too much preaching. Anyway, these outcast chuckle-fucks are all set up in Twenty-Nine. What do you think Pip’s next move will be?”

“Well… Even though Littlepip is a total killing machine, Velvet is kind of a pacifist, as you saw earlier, and I’m sure that Steelhooves would rather find a peaceful solution to his quarrel with the Steel Ranger Classics.”

He blinked several times. “The what?”

“Steel Ranger Classics!” She grinned back at him, fluttering her wings. “I just made that up! Catchy, huh?”

Tap stuck out his tongue in disgust. “So you’re saying they might try for diplomancy?”

“Diplomacy, silly. There’s no n in there.”

“Whatever.” He rolled over, staring down at the map he had found in one of the rooms. Nothing was where it was supposed to be. “This is the official map of Equestria? What a joke. Whoever let this thing get printed was a fucking moron.”

Rita finished what she was doing, sat back, and twisted a dial on the side of the television. It buzzed to life, displaying colored bars and the words “Please stand by.” She turned another dial, and the image was replaced with a black and white cartoon. Tap grinned as he watched a diamond dog get smacked with a frying pan.

“No, it’s accurate.” She tilted to the side, propping herself up with her forearm, but she kept her eyes glued to the screen. “Equestria looks a lot different from the air. It just feels like everything is in different places because you have to weave around stuff while you’re traveling by hoof.”

“I guess that makes sense. So I’m thinking we get a few hours of sleep, then head to Bucklyn Cross. I doubt the Steel Rangers really give a shit about negotiating if they hired us in the first place.” He pushed himself parallel with the bed, resting his head on the musty pillows. “We should probably act fast just in case they change their mind, though.”

Rita said nothing. He knew he had lost her to reruns.

|[ /_\ ]|[BAR]|[o8- ]|

“She hasn’t been here.”

Tap’s mouth hung open. He hadn’t spent another day traveling to hear that. The rain looked like it was close to letting up, at least. “Oh, what?! But she passed us on our way here! Right, Rita?”

“Well… I never said they came here. They kinda circled around and then went to Arbu.” She checked her Pipbuck, then looked off into the distance with her binoculars. “And now I think they’re hunting radigator.”

The Steel Ranger remained still as a statue. “She hasn’t been here, and you’re extremely lucky that we’re even allowing you to stand on our doorstep, tribal.”

Rita let the binoculars dangle on their strap as she stood on her hind legs, folding her forearms over her breast. “We’ll see how you feel about that after we speak with Scribe Tea Leaves.”

“That’s Senior Scribe Tea Leaves to you, tribal, and she has already been informed that you wish to have an audience with her.” The Steel Ranger leaned closer to Tap, his reflection staring back at him on the helmet’s visor. “And if she doesn’t want to have an audience with you, and you’ve just been wasting my time—”

“Yeah yeah.” Tap snorted. “We’ll see.”

What a fucking pussy… it’s so easy to act tough with a suit of power armor on.

He wanted to pry the suit open and beat the living daylights out of the pony inside, but settled for joining Rita instead. She pointed in the direction Littlepip had supposedly gone.

The Steel Ranger’s Manehattan fortification, Bucklyn Cross, occupied the last remaining pier of what was once the Bucklyn Bridge. Since they were up high and sitting out in the middle of the river, the view of the surrounding ruins was largely unobstructed. Visibility was much better now that the downpour had eased up as well. He looked through the binoculars and saw Littlepip’s sky bandit parked on the roof of the radgator farm. Seconds later, the roof gave way under them, but Calamity managed to get the carriage airborne. An enormous radigator leapt after them, grabbing the sky bandit between its jaws. Tap shook his forehoof in anticipation. The sky bandit slipped free, and they quickly relocated, Velvet floating along behind them.

Tap lowered the binoculars in disgust. “You have got to be fucking kidding.”

“What are you doing here?!”

Tap, Rita, and the Steel Ranger all perked up in unison. A vaguely familiar-looking mare in a Steel Ranger scribe getup was galloping toward them. It was safe to assume that her name was Tea Leaves.

“Hellooooo,” Rita began, flashing a nervous smile as the scribe got right in her face.

“And why is Littlepip still alive?” Tea Leaves spat. “Why are any of those tribals still alive?!”

Tap could tell Rita was trying to use her girlish charm. The look of rage on the scribe’s face told him that it wasn’t working. “Well, see, we figured that maybe we could wait here in case they decide to swing by and try to talk things out. And then, you know, we’ll kill them nice and quick!”

“No! Absolutely not! Having a pair of assassins standing around outside our fortress is bad enough as it is!” Her gaze swept around, as though she were looking for something. “You’re supposed to be professionals! Why aren’t she and Steelhooves dead yet?! They have our elder now and it’s your fault!”

“Funny story, really! See, it seems like—”

“There are no excuses for this incompetence! No one can see you here!” Senior Scribe Tea Leaves turned away, storming back toward the fortress. “Now leave at once and do what you’ve been hired to do!”

“Well, this was productive,” Rita grumbled. She looked up at Tap as they were escorted away. “Any more bright ideas?”

“Yeah. I’m fucking starving.” He nodded toward the little town on the nearby shore. “Let’s hit up Arbu.”

|[ /_\ ]|[ /_\ ]|[BAR]|