OtterRiffs: The Continuing Adventures of Matt and Rainbow

by LastAmongEquals

Chapters

• [01] Queen of Cloudsdale, Pt. 1
• [02] Queen of Cloudsdale, Pt. 2
• [03] Queen of Cloudsdale, Pt. 3
• [04] A Dash For Dash
• [05] A Fear of a Pegasus Named Fluttershy
• [06] Memories (ft. Simon O'Sullivan and crew)
• [07] Dangersignal - The History
• [08] End of the Rainbow (clop [anal])
• [09] The Tour (ft. Simon O'Sullivan)
• [10] Captain For A Day
• [11] Love Interruption

[01] Queen of Cloudsdale, Pt. 1

The rain fell sparsely as I folded up yet another empty cardboard box and added it to a growing stack near the front door.  All around me, piles of what could only be called "stuff" were spreading, taking over this living space I now called home.  It was a fine enough domicile as such things went—and one that was actually built to fit a human's dimensions, no less.

I sliced open yet another box of freshly purchased items and dropped the pair of scissors to the carpet.  I glanced inside.  Hmm, mostly dishes.  I guess I'll move that one to the kitchen before unpacking it.

I stood, unable to resist taking a huge stretch.  It had to go sideways on account of the ceiling only being eight feet up, but it felt good to finally be able to expand myself in a room without knocking things over.  As I bent to pick up my crate of flatware, I heard a knock come from the open door.

"Hey!  Anypony home in here?"

Straightening back up, I turned to see my new friend, compatriate, buddy, and cohort; Rainbow Dash.  Despite only having been in Equestria for a few weeks, the two of us had hit it off fast.  Maybe it was because there was finally someone around who she couldn't outwrestle, or maybe just because we both had athletic backgrounds.  I don't know.  All I know is that once the initial shock of my arrival had worn off (as well as the surprise that I knew everything from the show about her and her friends), the two of us had hung out nearly constantly.  It was one of the few things that made me almost forgive Pinkie Pie for replacing my bathroom door with a portal to Equestria.

I had really needed the bathroom at the time, too...

At any rate, after realizing that I was the only human stuck in a world of talking equines with no obvious way of getting home again, having a best friend (and now a home) was the broken spar of normalcy that I was clinging to in an ocean of weird.

I shook myself back into the moment.  "What up, Dashie?  Come on in."

Dash walked in from the covered porch, obviously resisting the urge to shake more water out of her wings.  "Dude, are you really going to stick with that nickname?  You know I hate being called 'Dashie'."

I grinned.  "Yeah, I know.  S'why I do it."

Rainbow rolled her eyes as she stepped in and started looking around.  "So, Matt, this is it, huh?  The new place?"

"Seems so."  I glanced around, a bit proud of my home.  "And it's all mine, too.  I've got a spare bedroom, a large kitchen, and an absolutely perfect place for my new TV and stuff.  Once I finally get all of these boxes squared away, I'll be set!"

"Seriously, dude, where did you get all of this from?" she asked, looking over the pile of discarded boxes—and the remaining stacks of full ones.

"I, uh," I said, frowning slightly, "I had to get a bit of a loan from Luna.  She said I can pay her back when I get a job."

"So, she gives you a house for free, and makes you loan the bits to fill it?"

I nodded.

"Yeah, okay, why not..." Dash muttered as she threw herself onto my couch.  "So, where have you been lately?  I haven't seen you since Pinkie's 'Welcome the Extradimensional Alien to Ponyville' party, and you sorta disappeared halfway through that."

"Yeah, I still don't know why she couldn't have just said 'human' on the sign," I said, shaking my head.  "See, the thing is, well..."  I felt my face growing warm.  "There was an... incident."

Dash flipped over to face me, her muzzle propped up on the arm of the couch.  "Oh, I know that tone.  This is gonna be good."

I took a seat on one of my still-cellophane-wrapped kitchen chairs.  "Okay, see, the thing is, I'm taller than most ponies are.  By quite a bit."

She snorted.  "You're only a few inches taller than me, dude!"

"Well, yeah, sure, if you're standing on your hind legs.  Common rooms are built plenty high in this town, but hallways and back rooms  are generally sized more for getting about on four legs.  Plus, as it turns out, your buildings can be ridiculously prone to termite infestations."

"Seriously?" Dash replied, her face scrunched up in what I had come to recognize as disbelief.

"Yeah.  You've got it freaking nice up there in the clouds.  I mean, Derpy was able to sit straight through the floor of City Hall.  That ain't normal."

"Well, neither is the way you knew about things like that in our world before you ever showed up here."  Rainbow shook her head in amusement, her mane waving about.  "So, is there a point to this little architectural lesson?"

"Well..."  I blushed again.  "At the party, I was looking for the bathroom.  The ceiling in that hallway was only right at my head level, and I kinda stood up too fast."

"So, your head..."

"Yup."  I grimaced.  "Broke the ceiling."

Dash smirked.  "Okay, that's pretty funny, but hardly worth running away over."

"Oh, it wasn't my idea," I countered.  "See, it wouldn't have been a problem had someone not been on the second floor, directly above me at the time."

She smirked again, a mischievous grin working onto her face.

"And it really would have been less of a deal had it not been Princess Luna.  She didn't appreciate it when her weight and the cracks from my head caused the floor to collapse from under her."

Rainbow snorted, trying hard to not miss any of the story.

"I mean, she fell on me, not the other way around!"

The mare's snorts were almost constant now, her eyes starting to water from holding her laughter in.

"And it only looked improper at first glance!  Any pony could clearly see that I was being suffocated by her flank!"

The dam broke, and Rainbow fell off the couch, rolling on the floor in a fit of belly laughs.  I scowled at her, not that she noticed.  "Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, Skittles."

Dash tried to get herself under control, climbing back to her hooves and wiping the tears out of her eyes.  "Oh, wow, I'm sorry.  I'm better now," she claimed between chuckles.  "So you broke Sugarcube Corner, then—*snrrk*—molested the Moon Goddess herself, and you got a sweet new house out of the deal?  Seems pretty nice to me."

I shrugged, still pretty red in the face.  "It's not all bad.  The TV is huge, the bed is comfy, apparently the internet works between dimensions, and I finally have a refrigerator I can store my own food and drinks in."

"Not all bad?  Dude, it sounds all awesome to me."

"Yeah, well..."  I sighed.  "The thing is, I'm sort of under house arrest, and Luna made sure this house had a few extra... features."

Dash's muzzle scrunched up again.  "Such as?"

"Well, the door and window locks aren't in my control.  Every so often, Luna locks me in my house without my consent and forces me to sit through some of the worst fanfiction imaginable."

Rainbow stared at me blankly.

"Yup," I confirmed.  "This is my penance."

"Okay, wow."  Dash put a hoof to her head as though getting over a headache.  "That's a little bit hilarious, actually.  I knew Luna was a bit of a prankster, but this is a new level of greatness."

I couldn't resist a grin of my own.  "Yeah, she's got some epic-level trolling skills, no doubt.  I mean, it could be worse, of course.  Not that this won't be really, really bad on its own, but it could be worse.  I mean, I am allowed to riff them, so that'll be nice."

Rainbow nodded absently.  "So...  alone?"

I did a doubletake.  "I, what?"

"Did she say you had to do it alone?"

I think my own face scrunched a bit in confusion.  "Wait, what?  You did not just volunteer for this, did you?  Dash, this is gonna suuuuck."

Rainbow shrugged her wings in a way that I've always been rather envious of.  "Eh, why not?  It kinda sounds fun, and definitely not the sort of thing that you should have to suffer through by yourself.  I mean, we play pretty well off each other—and sarcasm?"  She snorted breezily.  "Forget about it, right?  That's right up my street.  Lemme try it out once, you never know.  Maybe we'll be a good team!"

I laughed.  "All right, but don't say I didn't warn ya," I agreed, holding out my fist to her.

"Deal."  She bumped it with her hoof, grinning.  "So, when does Luna usually send you these things, anyway?"

I frowned slightly.  "Well, she hasn't sent me one yet.  But she does know that I'm moving in today, so I'm almost half expecting her to—"

The large flatscreen TV in the corner of the room suddenly burst into life of its own volition, a loud punch of static coming from the speakers.  Both Rainbow and I jumped, startled by the intrusion.  Within a second, though, the screen steadied to show the face of Luna, still in her room in Canterlot.  "Well met, Matt.  I see thou—I mean, you—are settling into thy dwelling well.  We have a task for you and... Rainbow Dash?"

Rainbow stepped up to my side.  I felt her flail her hoof against my back a few times, apparently trying to reach my shoulders, before giving up and settling for my waist.  "Hey, Princess Luna," she said casually.  "Matt told me what's going on here, and I'm in."

The indigo-coated alicorn nodded agreeably.  "This is most unexpected, but certainly not unwelcome.  Thou should be grateful to have such a friend as Rainbow Dash."

I grinned.  "Oh, I am.  And if you stick to your Princess of Trolls method, I get the idea that I'm going to need the help."

Luna's face practically lit up.  "Huzzah!  The mental anguish has been doubled!"

Rainbow and I facepalmed simultaneously.

"Let us begin your penance!" Luna cried as the door magically slammed shut, an ominous click coming from every outside door and window.

Rainbow swallowed loudly as we both shrugged and sat down on the couch.  "You know," I said trying to distract myself, "this thing really is pretty comfortable."

"Your first assignment, should you choose to accept it—and thou must accept it or be imprisoned in our dungeons—is to view a story called Queen of Cloudsdale, featuring—"  She stopped, suddenly perking up even more.  "Oh, what happy circumstance!"

"Uh oh," I muttered, “she’s happy...”

"Featuring Rainbow Dash!"

"What?" Dash squeaked.  "Your first fanfic is about me?  So awesome!"

"Trust me," I said, "it's not the honor you think it is."

Luna picked up a notepad, scanning over it.  "Let us see here...  Twilight gave us notes as to the protocol for this sort of thing..."

I turned to Dash and silently mouthed, Twilight?  She shrugged back at me.

"Apparently I am to flip this switch here, which will activate your beacon."  The alicorn's hoof hit a toggle off-screen, and true to her word, a large yellow light appeared on the wall of my house and began to throw garish yellow light across the room.  "Once the indicator has been lit, it is customary for the recipients in question to declare the presence of the story, upon which the story may begin!"

I groaned.  "Seriously?  We have to call it?"

Luna scowled, almost pouting.  "Yes.  Or else dungeon.  One thousand years."

I shrugged.  "All right, Dashie, let's do this thing."

She growled at my use of her hated nickname as I crowed my challenge to the task at hand:

"WE GOT STORY SIGN!"

*Knock* *knock* *Knock*

Matt: I couldn’t understand why the mail pegasus couldn’t just leave the package on the porch like I told him to.

Rainbow Dash stirred in her sleep from the knocking on her door.  She didn't want to answer it, it was her day off, and she wanted to sleep in.  She turned her head so her face was on the pillow, but felt some resistance, like there was something coming out of her head, but was too tired to check.

Rainbow: I would think that if I felt something coming out of my head, that would take priority over sleep.  I mean, I like naps as much as any pony—

Matt: Or more.

Rainbow: *glares* but really, something coming out of my head?

*knock* *knock* *knock*

Matt: Penny...

She was now getting irritated by the constant knocking; she grabbed her pillow and put it around her ears in hopes to muffle out the knocking.

Rainbow: How would somepony even be knocking on my door?  It’s made of clouds!

*knock* *knock* *knock*

Matt: Sounds like your house is knocking, there, Rainbow.  You might want to switch to a premium gasoline.

Rainbow: Say what now?

Matt: Okay, if we’re going to do this together, you have got to spend some time on the internet learning about Earth pop culture.  This just isn’t going to work as a one-way street.

She couldn't take it anymore; she jumped out of her bed and stormed to the door, not bothering to notice that everything looked smaller now.  She opened the door and glared at the knocker.

Rainbow: Stupid knocker.  It’s definitely my least favorite part of the door, right behind the mail slot.

"What do you want?" She growled, the knocker was no other than Pinkie Pie, being held afloat by balloons tied around her stomach.

"Hi yeah Dashie!  I wanted to see if you would like to come out to play and... Oh, when did you get so big, and when did you get a horn?" Pinkie was saying, until she noticed that the Pegasus looked different, but was still smiling.

Matt: Looking different always puts me in a bad mood, so I can see why Pinkie might be surprised by your smile.

"H-horn?  B-bigger?" Rainbow Dash stuttered, before running to her bathroom to see not a tomboy Pegasus, but a beautiful Alicorn.

Rainbow: *catches Matt staring at her* ...What?

Matt: I thought you might be offended by the implication that tomboys aren’t beautiful.

Rainbow: Not really.  I mean, maybe a little.

Matt: Huh.  Well, I’m sure the reaction I expected will come eventually.

She was most likely just a hoof smaller than Celestia, her wings were much larger, looking more like an eagles than a falcons,

Matt: "An eagles."  *sighs*  Anyway, I really wouldn’t have compared your wings in the show to either one, actually.

Rainbow: *spreads a wing out* Something wrong with my wings?

Matt: Nah, but the show has a really simplistic style.  It doesn’t do you pegasi justice.

her mane and tail were much longer, in fact, she swore she could see it sparkle.

Rainbow: *gags*

Matt: There's the reaction I expected.

Then there was her newest appendage, her horn, it was almost as long as Celestia's.  She began to hyperventilate, her mind refusing to believe the fact that she was now an Alicorn.

Matt: Well, it’s good to see a character in a fanfic that actually responds to changes in an understandable way.

She began to think about what happened yesterday.  “Okay calm down Rainbow, what did you do yesterday.  You got up, brushed your teeth, had a shower, had some breakfast while reading the Cloudsdale Press, to find out that King Wind Crasher died.

Rainbow: One of these things stands out somehow.

Matt: *NNNRRT* PLOT POINT  *NNNRRT* PLOT POINT  *NNNRRT* PLOT POINT

Then I went through my daily routine of work, friends, naps, and then sleep.  I can’t think of anything that could have done this, so why is it happening!?” She mentally screamed, shaking her head.

Pinkie came into the house, to see her friend hyperventilate.

Matt: She had been waiting to see it all morning.  It had gotten great reviews in the Foal Free Press.

"Dashie, are you alright?" Pinkie Pie asked, not sure how to handle this, she could handle parties sure, and the Cakes twins, but making an Alicorn happy was not something she had experience with.

Matt: Ow, these comma splices.

Rainbow: Ow, that nickname.

Rainbow Dash turned to her friend, "Pinkie, I'm going to Twilight’s, to figure out what happened,” with that she ran out of her house and flew to the library.

As she was flying, she did her best to not get spotted by passing Pegasi.

Matt: You hide from your fans now?

Rainbow: Hey, autographs are time consuming!

Whenever one did come she would hide behind a cloud, or fly below them.

Matt: Nopony ever thinks to look down...

It was hard work for her, but she did not want to be treated like a princess, she didn’t even know if this was permanent.

Matt: I would have thought that you’d be enjoying the popularity.

Rainbow: Why would you think that?

Matt: *cough*Mare Do Well*cough*

Rainbow: You jerk!  *punches Matt in the arm*

Rainbow got to Twilights house and began to slam her hoof against the wooden door.

Matt: For the first time ever, you use the door.

Rainbow: Windows are quicker and easier, it’s true.

Twilight was busy cleaning the library with her assistant Spike, when she heard somepony slamming at her door.

Matt: Knocking hadn’t gotten results fast enough.  On to full-body slams!

"Twilight!  I need to talk to you!"

Twilight realized that the voice that was yelling was Rainbow Dash, but she always barged in, not slam her door.

Rainbow: Okay, I suppose I did just admit to that.

Matt: Though I’d have appreciated slightly more grammar in any case...

She opened the door, causing her mouth to gape open when she saw Rainbow Dash tower above her, as an Alicorn.

Rainbow: Is this going to be a thing in this fic?  Is “Alicorn” always going to be capitalized like that?

Matt: If I had to guess, I’d say yes.

Rainbow: How many more parts are there to this thing?

Matt: Um...

Luna (from TV): Several.

Rainbow: *groans*

"Rainbow Dash?  What happened to you?" Twilight asked, trying to wrap her head around this new dilemma

Matt: The author ninja’d the period there.

Rainbow: Is she actually trying to wrap her head around me?  Sounds hard on the neck.

"That is what I am wondering?  Can you send a letter to Celestia?" Rainbow Dash asked.

Rainbow: Do I really sound like that?

Matt: Maybe you did in a grade school play, but not now.

Twilight nodded and called to Spike.  "Spike!  Take a letter!"

Matt: You have one job to do, Spike!

There was some crashing coming from the room Spike was in, when he came over to them with a paper and quill.

Twilight cleared her throat and spoke.

Rainbow: It was much more successful than the letter she tried to dictate via interpretive dance.

Matt: Now that’s a mental image...

Dear Princess Celestia,

My friend Rainbow Dash woke up as an Alicorn, and she wants to know why this is.

Your Faithful Student, Twilight Sparkle.

Matt: Brevity is the soul of wit, I guess.

Rainbow: Given the circumstances, Twilight could be forgiven for skipping the pleasantries.

Matt: Still, makes you wonder why she needed to go to the trouble of dictating it.

With that Spike rolled up the letter and blew his magic fire to send it.

Matt: Now get the heck out of this scene, Spike.  What do you think you are, a main character?

"Well Rainbow, Celestia will be getting it soon, then we can find out what happened," Twilight said, smiling.

Rainbow: Well Rainbow?

Matt: Is this fic introducing new characters now?

"Thanks Twilight," Rainbow Dash said, in a saddened tone.

Rainbow: And now we meet Thanks Twilight!

Matt: Commas are important, guys.  “Eats, shoots, and leaves.”

Twilight stared at her friend with concern, she never saw Rainbow Dash act like this.

"Rainbow, what's wrong?"

Matt: Did you forget about the javelin coming out of her forehead?

Rainbow’s eyes watered as she answered."I'm scared,"

Twilight couldn't believe what she heard, Rainbow Dash was scared?  She never heard her say that.  

Rainbow: Because it’s just such an unreasonable reaction to being freaking transformed in your sleep.  Sheesh...

"What are you scared of Rainbow?" she asked, sitting next to the saddened Pegasus turned Alicorn.

Matt: Aaaand, the fic answers its own question.

"I'm scared that I will have to leave Ponyville; scared that I will live longer than you girls; scared that you won't be my friends, and I'm especially scared that I will be forced to no longer see you,” Rainbow confessed, soon tears were falling out, she hated doing this in front of anypony, especially a friend, but she couldn’t help it.

Matt: Okay, it hurts, but I have to ignore the numerous comma splices for a moment.  The reaction is good, and I respect your mental skills, Rainbow, but you made some rather incredible leaps of logic pretty freaking quickly.

Rainbow: Yeah, I have to agree with you there.  In reality, I think I’d still be trying to get over the fact that a horn had grown out of my face.

"Rainbow, I know for a fact that Celestia would never force you to leave Ponyville, and we will always be your friends, Princess or not, and no force in Equestria can stop us," Twilight proclaimed, standing up to face her friend, a determined look on her face.

Matt: Intense Twilight is intense.

Rainbow: Do I hear electric guitars?

This caused the cyan Alicorn to smile and nuzzle Twilight.  "Thank you,"

Matt: Bow chicka bow wow...

Rainbow: *glares*

"That is what friends are for,"

Matt: BOW CHICKA BOW—OW, jeez, Rainbow!  *clutches at his now-sore arm*

Rainbow: *rubs her punching hoof, grinning evilly*

Spike stared at the situation with annoyance, and did a gagging expression, but was interrupted when an actual gagging reflex happened, and he burped up a letter.

Rainbow: Well, he sent a letter and received a letter.  Wanna bet on if he shows up again in this story?

Matt: Nooo thank you.  I like my bits right where they are.

"That was quick," Twilight commented before opening up and reading it.

My Faithful Student Twilight,

I can tell you why this,

Matt: Why, Twilight.  Why you this?

Rainbow: Hey look, there’s a “happened” on the ground.  Story, you drop this?

Matt: Nice.

but I prefer to talk to her in person,

Matt and Rainbow: PONY

I will be there the next day, I am also bringing the mayor of Cloudsdale and Las Pegasus with me, all shall be explained soon.

Princess Celestia

"Why is she bringing the mayor of Equestria's two biggest Pegasus population?" Rainbow asked.

Rainbow: Because it was easier than finding two Alicorn populations?

Matt: Still with the needless capitalizations.  Jeez, this fic...

"I don't know, but we better tell all our friends about you," Twilight said.

Matt: That is a terrible sentence, and it sounds even worse coming from Twilight.

Rainbow nodded and walked out with Twilight.

Matt: Is it Beige in here, or is that just me?

Rainbow: What?

Matt: Beige Prose.  Completely boring writing.  As interesting to read as a blank beige wall.

Rainbow: Ah, I gotcha.

The day went by with the citizens of Ponyville not knowing whether to bow at Rainbow or not.  

Rainbow noticed them looking at her, and tried her best to hide behind her wing.

Matt: Again, I’m sorry, but you love attention.

Rainbow: I do not!  

Matt: *meaningful look*

Rainbow: Well, okay, maybe a bit...

“Rainbow Dash, I know that this is hard for you, but you have to realize that all Alicorns are considered royalty, and seeing you as an Alicorn makes them nervous,” Twilight explained, trying her best to cheer up her friend, but she noticed that it wasn’t working.

Rainbow: It didn’t help that Twilight was reminding her of the inherent racism and class elitism in the pony culture.

Matt: Alicorns always trying to keep the pegasus man down!

“Twilight, I don’t want them to see me as royalty, I want them to see me as Rainbow Dash, the Pegasus that did the Sonic Rainboom and won the Best Young Flyers Competition,”

Matt: Aaand, that’s all the author could remember about you, I guess.

Rainbow: I might have friends and emotions and stuff, too, but whatever.

Twilight couldn’t help but agree with Rainbow Dash, her friend loved to brag how awesome she was, but now being an Alicorn, well, ponies will suspect her of doing all those things.

Matt: ...what?

Rainbow: Ponies would suspect me of doing all the things I did?  Isn’t that redundant?

The two ponies got to Carousel Boutique, and went inside to find Rarity.

Matt: Welcome to Carousel Boutique, now apparently a town instead of a building!

Rainbows: “The” is such a small word, yet it counts for so much.

“Rarity!  Are you here!?” Twilight shouted, waiting for an answer.  What she got instead was a loud crash, followed by some yelling.

“Sweetie Bell!  Look at what you’ve done,”

Matt: "It’ll take all week to hide all these bodies!"

Rainbow: Daaaark.  Nice.

Matt: I try.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to,”

Matt: Mass murder is just part of her programming.  Crush, Kill, Destroy, Swag.

Rainbow: I feel like I'm missing something...

The unicorn and Alicorn stared at each other and shook their heads.

“Sweetie Bell, go check who is here, while I clean up this mess,”

“Yes sis,”

Rainbow: "Good thing the police commissioner owes me all those favors."

Matt: *snort*

The two ponies saw Rarity’s little sister, Sweetie Bell, come down the stairs, but stopped mid step when she saw Rainbow Dash.

“Rarity!  Your friends are here, and Rainbow got a new look!” Sweetie Bell yelled.

Matt: Understatement, thy name is Sweetie Belle.

Rainbow: Gaining a horn and twelve inches in height counts as a "look?"

Rainbow Dash felt her heart stop,

Matt: It was a cardiac arrhythmia and she died.  The end.

she had no idea how Rarity would react to her, she held her breath while she saw Rarity walk down the stairs.

Rainbow: She held it too long and died.  The end.

Matt: Hey, that's you you're talking about!

Rainbow: What?  This is about as far from me as you can get!  Besides, you started the trend, I'm just going with it.

“Well, I was not expecting my friends to come over, and what is this new look... Rainbow... Has?” Rarity started to say, but was interrupted by the sight that befell her, Rainbow Dash as an Alicorn.

Matt: Dat comma splice.

Rainbow: Haven't we ignored at least a dozen of those by this point?

Matt: Dat comma splice again.

Her jaw was opened wide, and her eyes bulged.

Matt: Urge to make... dirty comment... rising...

Rainbow: *panicked look at the TV* Luna, please tell me we don't have to do any of those kinds of fics!

Luna (from TV): You don't have to do any clopfics.

Matt and Rainbow: Phew.

Luna: ...Yet.

Matt: What.

Twilight and Rainbow wanted to do something, but didn’t have to when a fly flew into Rarity’s mouth and down her throat, causing her cough.

Matt: The syntax seems rather off here.

Rainbow:  Apparently, the fly was so powerful that it went back in time and caused the cough Rarity already had.

“I’m sorry for staring, but why is Rainbow Dash an Alicorn before me!?” Rarity yelled.

Matt:  "Is this an alicorn I see before me, the horn to my hand?"

Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow and gave a small smirk. “Before you?”

“Well...Uh... You see,” Rarity stammered, trying to make up an excuse.

Rainbow: Rarity had been conducting a series of brutal experiments on ponies, searching for the key to alicorn ascension.

Matt: The Celestian Intelligence Agency had been searching for her for years.

Rainbow chuckled and waved her hoof.  “Don’t worry about it Rares, Me and Twilight are just here to see how you would react, and your reaction was pretty funny,”

Rainbow: Comma splice or missing one for the address.  Either way, really funny to read out loud.

“Oh, thank goodness, well Rainbow Dash, since of your new... size,

Matt: Beyotch, who you callin' fat?

Rainbow: Well, since of, after all.

I think you should get measured, what do you say?”  Rarity asked, hoping that the answer would be yes.

“Sure, I’ll come over later; just don’t make me wear all that girly stuff,”

“Rainbow, what type of mare do you think I am?”

Matt: Okay, context or no, that just sounded dirty.

Rainbow: As much as I want to make fun of you for being a typical male, you're kinda right.

 Rarity said, Rainbow just shook her head smiling, and walked out of the boutique with Twilight close behind.

Matt: This author must have gotten a great deal on commas to be sprinkling them around so liberally.

"That went better than I expected," Twilight said.

Rainbow: She knew about Sweetie's kill streak beforehoof, so it could have gone a lot worse.

Rainbow was not that optimistic, "Let's see how the rest of our friends will react,"

Matt: Because why not.  One reaction was dull, two was tedious, so six should be great.

"Should we go to Pinkie next?" Twilight asked.

Rainbow shook her head, "No, she already knows, and besides, she is probably planning a party for me," she explained, getting a knowing nod from Twilight.

"That's true, how about we go to Applejack next?"

"Yeah, let's go,"

Rainbow: How bad could this be?

Matt: Never ask that!

Thankfully, the walk to Sweet Apple Acres didn’t have that many ponies, so Rainbow could actually let her wings rest at her sides.

When Twilight and Rainbow Dash got to the farm, they saw Applejack doing her usual thing, bucking trees and having the apples fall down into baskets.

Matt: Having the apples... Whaaaa?  There's passive voice and then there's that.

Twilight thought that out of all their friends, Applejack would take the news quite well and not overreact.

Rainbow: Not exactly what you'd call subtle with the foreshadowing, is he?

“Well Rainbow Dash, let’s go talk to Applejack.. Rainbow Dash?” Twilight turned her head to see her rainbow friend staring at an apple on one of the trees.

Matt: Double period, check.

Rainbow: Missing commas for personal address, check.

Matt: And a sentence that tells us what we already knew was happening for the trifecta.

“Rainbow, what are you doing?”

Rainbow: "The apple spoke to me."

The question went unanswered as Rainbow closed her eyes and pointed her horn towards the apple.  Her face became tense and her body began to shake.

Matt: Diarrhea can strike without warning...

Twilight's eyes widened in realization, “She’s trying to use magic,” she thought to herself as she watched her friend.

Rainbow: DUCK AND COVER!

A couple of magenta sparks flew out of her horn, but she couldn’t take the stress anymore and fell on her haunches, panting.

Rainbow: Well that was underwhelmingly realistic.

Matt: Don't worry, this is how a bad author tries to write conflict.  One token failure before success comes with laughable ease.

Rainbow: Meh.

“That was a good first try Rainbow, but I think you should learn about magic later,” Twilight said, getting a weak nod from the Alicorn.

Matt: Well, that little diversion was neither interesting nor important, but at least it provided us no new information.

Rainbow: *snorts*

The two ponies trotted over to Applejack, who was now putting some of the baskets into the wagon.

Rainbow: This fic keeps jumping between tedious detail and not enough detail.

“Hello Applejack,” Twilight greeted, causing the orange mare to look away from her work.

“Howdy Twi, how are you... and... Rainbow Dash... Why is Rainbow Dash an Alicorn?” Applejack asked, staring at cyan Alicorn.

Matt: Because alicorn alicorn wingyhorns.

Rainbow: This writer does love that word, doesn't he?

“I woke up as an Alicorn, but we don’t know if it’s permanent or not,” Rainbow answered.

“So, Ah guess that makes you part Earth Pony also,” Applejack grinned.

Matt: ...

Rainbow: Huh.  Just skip right past surprise, disbelief, denial, explanation—

Matt: It's not a good sign when Pinkie's reactions are the most believable in a story.

“Yes it does, what are you getting at?”

Matt: Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Applejack?

“I was thinking on how strong you are, but you’re most likely not as strong as my babies,” Applejack proclaimed, bucking a tree behind her.

Rainbow: Bloomburg, no!

Matt: Oh, wow, I completely forgot about that.  That was a good one.

“Oh, you are on Applejack, how about tomorrow?”

“That works for me,”

Rainbow Dash and Applejack spit into their hoof and hoof bumped.

Matt: The author's killing me, man.  It's like he just stitched scenes from the show into each character, and the results walk and talk like Frankenstein's monster.

After that, Twilight and Rainbow Dash walked away, on their way to Fluttershy’s.

Rainbow: Oh, Celestia, no!  Not another one of these pointless scenes!

Matt: Maybe Flutters will charge out and try to shank Rainbow for being an alicorn.

Rainbow: How does that make any sense?

Matt: Who's trying to make sense?  I just want something to happen!

“Did you really have to challenge Applejack,” Twilight asked.

Rainbow Dash just shrugged, “Applejack made a challenge, and I accepted it,”

Matt: Thanks for showing us that conversation, fic.  It was wonderful.

Rainbow: Um, are you jamming a pencil into your leg?

Matt: ...yeah...

The two mares were now at the steps of the cottage,

Rainbow: But there are still so many unanswered questions!

Rainbow Dash took in a deep breath and knocked on the door, causing it to open a little

Matt: The knock did not cause the door to open.

and show a cyan eye looking through the crack.

Matt: And it certainly didn't cause an eye to appear.

Rainbow: Pony not included, apparently.

Matt: *grimaces* Gyeesh...

“Oh, hello Rainbow, hello Twilight,” came a weak voice.

“Hello Fluttershy, can we come in?” Twilight asked.

Matt: I just can't bring myself to keep pointing out all of these stupid punctuation errors.

Rainbow: Please don't, I have weather stuff to do eventually.

The yellow pegasus gave a nod and opened the door two let the two ponies in.

Rainbow Dash walked in; confused by the fact that Fluttershy wasn’t even reacting to the fact that she was now an Alicorn.

Rainbow: As are we all.

All three ponies were now in the living room, drinking a beverage that Fluttershy gave them.  

Matt: This would be a much easier read if this fic would just pick a pace.  It drags in meaningless trivium, and then, out of nowhere, jumps to completely new scenes.  It’s maddening, I tells ya.

But Rainbow Dash was getting more confused by the minute that Fluttershy wasn’t even looking at her in a weird way, she couldn’t take it anymore and decided to ask. “Fluttershy, do you know anything different about me?”

Matt: "Of course I know different things about you.  For instance, I know that trick you do with ping pong balls and-"

Rainbow: Dude! *tackles Matt, punching him repeatedly before climbing back up onto the couch* Not cool.

Matt: ... Worth... It...

“Yes I do, you're an Alicorn now,” Fluttershy answered.

Matt: *winces* Ow...  Fluttershy, queen of the no-sell.

“Okay so you’ve notice, any reactions like, “Why are you an Alicorn?”, or “How are you an Alicorn?”?” Rainbow Dash asked,

Rainbow: A perfectly valid question, I'd think.

getting a shake from Fluttershy.

Rainbow:S-s-s-top s-s-sh-a-k-ing m-m-e-e!

Matt: Ha! *winces* Oh, it still hurts to laugh...

Rainbow: *glares* You deserved it!

Matt: I really did.

“Why should I, you're my friend Rainbow Dash, and nothing is going to change that,” Fluttershy said.

Matt and Rainbow: Wat.

Rainbow Dash stared at her friend; tears were forming in her eyes, and embraced Fluttershy in a hug.

“Thank you Fluttershy,”

Matt: No, really, what the hell?

Rainbow: I don't care how docile you are or how many drugs you're on, you have a reaction to something like this!

Matt: If you showed up here as a stallion instead of a mare, I'd flip my lid!  This kind of anti-reaction just makes no sense!

Fluttershy didn’t know how to react,

Rainbow: NO, really?

and just hugged her crying friend.  “It’s okay Rainbow,”

“Fluttershy, you have no idea how good it is to hear that,”

“I can only think about what you feel,”

Twilight couldn’t help but awe at the sight;

Matt: ... I'm gonna hurt this guy.  That's just awful.

 it was the most heartwarming thing she has seen today.

Rainbow: How did I using tense?

“Rainbow Dash, I’m sorry to say, but I think we should go, Rarity wants to get some measurements,”

Matt: If you know what I'm sayin'.  *winks*

Rainbow: What are you saying?

Matt: I'm not even sure anymore.

Rainbow Dash nodded and said good bye to her friend, then followed Twilight out of the cottage.

“I’m so glad that Fluttershy doesn’t see me differently,”

“Well Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy doesn’t judge ponies on appearances,”

Matt: *facepalm*

Rainbow: *facehoof*

“Yeah, that’s what I like about her,”

Matt: It takes a rare skill to be both nonsensical and to drop the morality anvil at the same time.

Soon the day was over, Rainbow got her new measurements and flew back home to feed Tank and to make supper.  But all of this could not stop her from being nervous of meeting the princess and two mayors.

Rainbow: Nervous of?

Matt: I would say there's no way English is this guy's first language, but I've been around way too long to give out that kind of credit.

“I hope I don’t become a princess, or become immortal,” she thought, she noticed that she was tired when she yawned and her eyelids became heavy.

Matt: Awful.  Just awful.

Rainbow: Are most ponies constipated when their eyes get heavy?  Do we need to be told that she's tired also?

“Wow, I’m tired, must be all the walking I had to do today,” she reasoned,

Matt: Pansy.

Rainbow: Wow, it's like the author forgot that I'm a world-class athlete or something!

she ate her dinner and went straight to bed, but found it hard to get comfortable on her now small bed.

“I hope Celestia brings a bed with her,” with that final thought she went to sleep.

Matt: You seem to get a bit nonsensical when you're tired.

Rainbow: Well, it's not easy to think when I'm half-asleep!

It was time,

Matt: Ow!  Jeez, scene, whiplash much?

Rainbow and her friends were waiting for Celestia and the two mayors to arrive.  Pinkie was bouncing in excitement.

"Oh I can't wait for Princess Celestia to come, and with two mayors, this will make the "Rainbow Dash turns into an Alicorn Party" so much better.  

Rainbow: In what world does Pinkie sound like that?  It's just.  So.  Dull.

Matt: *rocks gently and holds his head* I can't, man, I just can't...

"Pinkie let’s wait till the Princess gets here to see if Rainbow Dash will stay as an Alicorn," Twilight said, in hopes to calm down the hyperactive pony.

Rainbow Dash was nervous, she had no idea why Celestia would want to come, or why she would bring the mayors of Equestria's two biggest Pegasus populations.

Rainbow: Because it was too hard... to...  Didn't we do this joke already?

Matt: Oh, God, the fic is iterating!  Abandon fic!  Everypony for themselves!

From the sky, the Princess of the Sun's chariot came into view, with said princess on it, and the two mayors.

Matt: Welcome to World of Cardboard, where no one does looks, speaks, or acts differently, or stands out in any way worth mentioning or describing.

Rainbow: Saves time, I guess.

Matt: Yeah, but I’d rather read a shampoo bottle.

The chariot landed and the three ponies got out meeting the six ponies.

Matt: Three Ponies For Six Ponies was a terrible play, and confusing as hell, too.

Everypony in Ponyville bowed to Celestia all expect for Rainbow Dash, as she did not know if she should or not, and she did see the two mayors bow down, to her.  Now she was confused.

Rainbow: Now she was hungry.  Now she was sleepy.

Matt: Kinda makes you wonder what reactions Dash would have actually had if the author wasn't pasting all these reactions onto her.

"Princess Celestia, why are the mayors of Cloudsdale and Las Pegasus bowing down to me?" she asked, having a nervous look on her face.

Matt: Aarrgh, I quit.

Rainbow: Aw, don't be like that.  It's just an incorrect word usage.

Matt: No, it's all too much.  I just can't anymore...

Rainbow: There’s only, like, a few lines left.  Don’t be such a foal.

"I have to go with Rainbow Dash, why are they?" Twilight asked.

"Well, I think these two should tell her themselves," Celestia answered.

The two mayors got up and looked at Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow: Nothin'?

Matt: Hmph.

"Queen Rainbow Dash, it is an honor to meet you," the mayor of Cloudsdale said.

Rainbow Dash was taken back by the title she was given. "Queen?  Queen of what?"

Rainbow: ...Oh, come on, Matt!  This one's a cheap shot!

Matt: Okay, fine, um...  "Dancing Queen, so don't get excited."

Rainbow: There ya go, buddy.

"Queen of the Pegasus race, you are the last descendant of Alicorn that rule the Pegasi," Celestia explained, with a smile on her face.

Rainbow: It's on my face!  Get it off!

Matt: This doesn't even make sense.  Pegasi were historically a military oligarchy, right?

Rainbow: Yeah, but I do you think this author actually did any homework for this?

Matt: Touché.

Rainbow Dash, being the awesome pony that she is, did the most reasonable thing after hearing that she was Queen of the Pegasus.

She fainted.

I rolled my eyes, slumping against the couch next to my wingmare.  "Man, I wish I'd have fainted like that about 30 minutes ago..."

"That was absurd," Rainbow whined.  "Are we done?  Can we leave now?"

Luna's face expanded from the PIP corner window to the main screen as the fic faded off to black.  "Yes, thou art done for now.  You have performed adequately, Matt and Rainbow Dash."  The doors and windows unlatched with a loud clatter.

"Gee, Luna,  thanks for the glowing review.  And you chose this method of punishment why?"

Luna's grin was terrifying.  "Twilight has a theory that we may be able to create an Equestrian defense weapon powered by mental anguish!"

"I—I'm sorry I asked."

Rainbow patted my forearm with a hoof.  "Come on, dude, let's get a drink.  I think we deserve it after that madness."

"Hasten back, though," Luna chirped brightly from the television.  "Part two awaits!"

We stared at each other, our eyes fearful.

"Run?" Dash asked.

I nodded.  "Run."

-fin-

[02] Queen of Cloudsdale, Pt. 2

The sun was well above the horizon by the time I got out of the shower the next morning, and I was still scrubbing a little water out of my goatee as I got dressed and walked out into the living room.  Even after the refreshing warmth of the shower, I was still at a borderline zombie state.  I had but one focus as I headed towards the kitchen: food.  I muttered as I pulled out a bowl and reached for the pantry.

"Oh, hey, dude!  Morning!"

I actually yelped out loud and dropped the bowl, which clattered against the countertop.  I felt much more awake as I turned around to see Rainbow Dash sitting at my makeshift desk, with several internet browser tabs open on my borrowed computer.  She waved at me cheerfully.  I narrowed my eyes in what I hoped was a dangerous glare.

"Dash, what the hell are you doing in my house?  It's eight in the freaking morning!"

At least she had the decency to look sheepish.  "I, uh—heh.  I sorta took your advice last night."

"Last night?"  I had to focus as my heart rate settled back into the double digits.  "We riffed, you helped me unpack, and... then what?"

She held up a sheet of notebook paper I'd scrawled on the other day.  "You said I needed to do some research on your world if we wanted to riff together.  I thought it was a ton of fun, and I wanted to know what your jokes were about, so I started going through this list of websites you made for me."

I blinked slowly.  "...all night?"

"Heh, yeah.  I sorta lost track of time, and by five in the morning, I just figured I'd nap on the couch and finish up in the morning."  She grinned.  "I finally get that 'knocking' joke you made yesterday!  That's pretty funny in hindsight."

I chuckled.  "Thanks.  What did you get through?"

She began counting off items on her pinions.  "Well, I started reading through memebase, TVTropes, and most of the news and history sites you wrote down.  I feel like I made at least some progress."  She looked away slightly.  "Also, I'm not real sure how to say this, but your world is messed up, dude."

I frowned.  "Yeah, I know it.  We've got issues to work through."

"But I absolutely love how you humans will race in anything," Dash said with a huge grin.  "Cars, boats, on hooves, bikes—anything."

I laughed.  "They're 'feet', and yeah, we're a pretty competitive race.  Heck, our space program was mostly because we didn't want to get beat by some other country."  I retrieved my bowl, quickly checking it for cracks.  "You want anything?"

"No thanks, I ate already."

I rolled my eyes.  "I bet.  You're welcome, by the way."  I heard Dash chuckle behind me as I filled my bowl with cereal and milk and started chomping away in a slightly surly, early-morning mood.

On the other side of Rainbow, the TV faded slowly to life.  On the screen, Luna looked quickly around the room and focused in on us.  "Ah, good morning to you both!  I am pleased to see you both up and active so early in the day!"

I grunted and continued with my cereal.

"Hey, Princess Luna," Dash replied, shutting down the browser and spinning idly in my custom-made computer chair.

"Since you are both awake, perchance you would like to partake in the next part of the riff?"

"Hell no," I deadpanned.  "Cereal now, riff later."

Luna pouted, sticking out her bottom lip like a petulant foal being sent to bed.  I rolled my eyes.  "Come on, don't give me that, Luna!  It's early!  How do you possibly expect me to be funny when your world doesn't even have decent caffeine to get me going?"

Rainbow frowned.  "We have coffee, you know."

"Coffee's disgusting," I huffed.  "I'm just lucky your world has decent tea, otherwise I'd really be screwed.  I practically lived on caffeinated soda back home, and now I'm here cold turkey.  It sucks, man."

"Well," Luna observed, "I feel I must remind you that I control your destiny, and also your doors."  She flicked a switch and the doors and windows latched with a loud thunk.  Rainbow facehoofed as I groaned.

"You know what, fine," I gave in.  "But I'm bringing my damned breakfast."

Rainbow slid off the chair and stomped over to the couch along with me, and we slumped onto the surface in almost perfect mirrored images of the other.

"Fine, let's have it," Rainbow scowled.

I simply took another spoonful of cereal in what I hoped was an intimidating manner.

"Very well, then," Luna crowed, "the second portion of your adventure begins... now!"

The wall-mounted light began spinning, throwing yellow beams across the face of the wall.

Dash and I sighed.  "We got story sign..."

When Rainbow Dash woke up, she found that she in the Golden Oaks Library, in Twilight's bed.  

Rainbow: “Oh, Luna, how much cider did I have last night.”

Getting up, she looked around for Celestia, or the two mayors, but found nothing.

Matt: Tia’s more of a “love-em-and-leave-em” type, it seems.  Can't form attachments.

Rainbow: It's sad, really.

"Thank Celestia, it must of been a dream," she sighed in relief, but her hopes were crushed when she saw not only her friends, but the princess and the mayors.

Matt: “Oh, Rainbow Dash, we’ve got piiiiiictuuuuures!”

"Good to see that you have awaken Rainbow, we were worried when you fainted," Celestia said.

"Well, what do you expect when you find out that you are not only an Alicorn, but Queen of an entire race!?" Rainbow Dash exclaimed, throwing her forelegs in the air.

Rainbow: Like she just didn’t care.

Matt: Very nice!  I can see that time on the internet wasn’t wasted.

"Rainbow Dash, I know that you are upset, but we had to keep it a secret," Celestia said, causing the rainbow maned Alicorn to raise an eyebrow.

"We?"

"Yes, King Wind Chaser, your parents, Dr. Bandage, and I had to keep it a secret that you were born an Alicorn, until it was your time to rule," Celestia explained.

Matt: “Dr. Bandage?”  That’s really the best we could come up with, huh?

Rainbow: “Dr. Doctor” would be the only step down, and it’s not that far, actually.

Rainbow Dash stared at the sun princess in disbelief, then glared at her.

Rainbow: She was apparently disconcerted that “sun princess” is no longer worthy of capital letters.

Matt: *in a British accent* Oh, they’re everywhere these days.  We’re practically tripping over sun princesses.  Bloody ‘eck...

"Tell me everything," she demanded.

Matt: “Well then, this is gonna take a while.”  *clears throat*  “About 2.6 billion years ago—”

Rainbow: “Tell me some things.”

"Okay Rainbow, it all began when your mother was pregnant."

Rainbow: More stories should start at that point.  You really miss out on the whole “origins” part of a character if you don’t mention that.

Matt: *eats more cereal*

~20 years ago~

~Cloudsdale Hospital ~

Rainbow: It was a dark and stormy night.

Matt: I’d just taken a creative writing course.

The pregnant Aurora Dash and her husband Spectrum Dash were sitting in the office of Dr. Bandage, who was checking the medical reports of Aurora.

Matt: Everypony caught up now?

Aurora, despite her name, was a dark blue Pegasus with a green mane, and wore glasses.  She was nervous, as she wanted to know if her foal was alright.  Her husband, Spectrum, was an almost purple Pegasus with a rainbow mane.

Rainbow: Almost purple.  So, like, blue?

Matt: He was actually pink, but he found he caught less flak for it if he said “almost purple” instead of “lightish red.”

Spectrum put his hoof on Aurora's leg and gave a reassuring smile, which helped calm his wife down.

Matt: Stories really don’t get any more “tell-y” than this.  It's narrative by Powerpoint.

Dr. Bandage checked the reports, put them back in their folders and put it in his desk drawer, then went back to the couple.

Matt: “The cancer is terminal, I’m afraid.”

Rainbow: “But I’m just here for a maternity checkup!”

Matt: “Huh.  Then what did I tell Mr. Skies when he was just in here?”

"Well Mrs. Dash, I am glad to say that you and the foal are perfectly healthy, and no defects were found on the foal,"

Rainbow: “On your husband, on the other hoof...”

Matt: “Seriously!  It’s not pink!”

"Thank you Dr. Bandage, but we are wondering something," Spectrum said, looking worried.

"And what is it?"

"Well, I have been experiencing pain whenever the foal moves," Aurora explained, rubbing her swollen stomach.

Dr. Bandage was puzzled at this.  "Well, what you are describing is a problem unicorn's bearing foals show, as the foal has a horn, and when it moves around, the horn will jab into the uterus.

*Matt and Rainbow wince*

Rainbow: Freaking OW.

Matt: Ye gods, am I glad to be male right now.

But this never happens to a Pegasus unless she has a unicorn foal, and according to the reports, you're foal has wings," he explained.

Rainbow: Your, you’re; what’s the difference?

Matt: About a year of middle school.

"Could it be a defect?  I mean, we can't see the foal," Spectrum asked.

"You could be right, and while the reports do say that the foal is fine, medical technology has only gotten so far so we can't know for certain,

Rainbow: Our medical technology is advanced enough for me to say that there aren’t any defects on the foal, though.

Matt: And it can detect wings, but not horns?

Rainbow: Convenient excuse is convenient.

Matt: *grins* Wow, you made it all the way into memes?  This experience just got a lot more fun.

I suggest you take a look at your family tree, to see if there is a history you don't know," Dr. Bandage said.

Rainbow: Actually, there IS a unicorn in my family tree somewhere.  True story.

Matt: Huh.  Did any of your close relatives ever give birth to a unicorn?

Rainbow: Not that I knew, but my family is pretty scattered.

The couple thank their doctor and left the office.

Dr. Bandage looked over his reports again to see if he misread anything.

Matt: “Dammit, so that’s why Mr. Skies was so happy when I told him he was pregnant...”

"She is experiencing pain that a mother bearing a unicorn feels, but reports say that the foal has wings.  Could the foal be... No it couldn't,"

Rainbow: DUN DUN DUUUUNNNN!!

~Dash Household, Cloudsdale~

Matt: 9:45 PM.  I had just gotten back from my office to see that someone had trashed the place.

Rainbow: I knew that mare was trouble when she walked in.

The couple were searching through their attic, looking for their family tree.

Rainbow: Which was stupid, because it was clearly planted outside, in the garden.

Matt: *facepalm* Ow, Dash, that was bad.

"Found anything Spectrum?" Aurora asked, going through one of the many boxes.

"Not yet, wait I found mine!" Spectrum yelled in excitement, holding up an old book.

Matt: Maybe the pages were made from their family tree.

Aurora ran over and saw the book, it looked to be over a thousand years old, the spine was damaged, and it was covered in the thickest layer of dust she has ever seen.

Rainbow: Somewhere, right now, Twilight Sparkle is throwing a massive tantrum over this book’s treatment.

Matt: If it's a thousand years old, then presumably it's not very current.  It's not easy to add pages to most books.

"Are you sure we can find something in this book?" Aurora asked.

"I hope so, this book has been in the Dash family for over a millennium, my father gave it to me, but he never told me what ancestors we had, and I never bothered to read it, but now we have to," Spectrum admitted and opened the book, flipping the pages to find out if there was a deformity in his family.

Matt: “A deformity?”  Jeez, that’s harsh.

Rainbow: Never knew my parents were racist.  Or named something other than what I called them.  Or pink, for that matter.

The two saw many things that surprised them,

Matt: Big Johnny Dash, who married a bear!

Rainbow: Layercake Dash, the world’s fattest pegasus!

Matt: Heisty Dash, who robbed the Appaloosa Bank twelve times without getting caught!

Rainbow: “Heisty Dash?”  Seriously?

Matt: What?  It's still a better name than “Dr. Bandage.”

but they still found nothing that told of a deformity in the family, but when they got to the last page, Aurora jaw dropped, and Spectrum let the book fall.

*Matt and Rainbow jump as a loud BOOM echoes outside the house*

Matt: What the hell was that?

Rainbow: Judging from the fallout, my guess is it's Twilight throwing a fit over somepony dropping a thousand-year-old book like first-period chemistry.

"That-that can't be right," Spectrum said, he was beginning to hyperventilate.

Rainbow: Hey, look!  That period grew a tail and completely screwed up the sentence!

Aurora picked up the book and began to read it.

"King Spectrum Blitz, king of the Pagesi from 1 C.R (Celestia Rule) to 100 C.R.

Matt: Pagesi, huh?

Rainbow: Sounds foreign.  Maybe they were Bitalian?

King Spectrum Blitz is the one that led the Pegasi into Equestria and credited for creating Cloudsdale.  

Rainbow: Hate to break it to ya, but no, he didn’t.

Matt: I can see how somepony might think that Commander Hurricane was kind of a prick, but getting completely written out of history is a bit much.

He became allies with Princess Celestia and Princess Luna to stop Discord, and to help keep Equestria safe.  He had a daughter named Firefly, and a son named Thunder Crash.  Firefly married Fire Dash and moved away from Cloudsdale, while Thunder Crash became the next king when Spectrum Blitz died,"

Matt: Which, of course, would mean nothing to them since royalty follows male bloodlines.

Rainbow: In your world, maybe.  Do you see all the mares around here?

Matt: *grins* Yes.  Yes I do.

Rainbow: … Perv.

Matt: Seriously, though, if the crown doesn’t follow male lines, why wasn’t Firefly the Queen, and why is there a King at all?

The two stared at each other, then to the swollen stomach of Aurora.

"I'm going to have an Alicorn," Aurora said, not knowing whether to be scared or happy.

"And our foal will become the next King or Queen of the Pegasi," Spectrum said.

Matt: I’m sorry, but there was nothing mentioned in that book about alicorns anywhere.  Where did this knowledge come from?  How were we supposed to know this?

Rainbow: And besides, wouldn’t the crown be following Thunder Crash’s bloodline now, not Firefly’s?

Matt: Lineage 101, for when you just don’t care enough to set up your descendants properly.

The next day Spectrum wrote a letter to his brother, who happened to be Celestia's personal guard, so the letter could be sent to Celestia without waiting for days to get a response.

Rainbow: Taking advantage of your privileged station while on duty seems like the kind of thing that Shining Armor would frown on.

"Spectrum, are you sure this will work?" Aurora asked.

"I hope so, I don't want our foal to be treated like royalty the moment she or he is born," Spectrum answered, he put the letter in an envelope and but in the mailbox beside their house, now they had to wait.

Matt: He put his own butt in the mailbox?  Jeez, these ponies are eccentric.

~Royal Guards Barracks, Canterlot ~

Lightning Dash put on his armour for the day, today he had to guard Celestia as she did her routine of checking a city.

Matt: No city in particular, just any ol’ city was fine.

Rainbow: This narration is freaking boring.  And nonsensical.

"Lightning Dash, there is a letter for you, it's from your brother!" A mail stallion said walking up to him and giving the guard the letter.

"Thank you," Lightning opened up the letter and read it, his eyes widened and ran out of the barrack to find the sun princess.

Matt: Lightning Dash himself, though, stood and searched frantically with his hooves for his missing eyes.

Rainbow: That really seems like it would hurt.

~Canterlot Castle, Main Hall~

Matt: 12:30 am.  I awoke to discover that I was in a Phoenix Wright game...

Celestia waited patiently for her guard, Lightning Dash, to accompany her during her checking of Trottingham.

Rainbow: This is a thing, huh?  The Princess just comes by and “checks” your city?

Matt: This may be the laziest story I’ve ever read.  “What is she doing?”  “Eh, checking.   I dunno, whatever.”

She was sipping her tea when the door burst open to reveal a panting Lightning Dash.

"I'm sorry your highness, but I have some urgent news for you," Lightning Dash said in between pants.

Matt: I didn’t think ponies wore pants.

Rainbow: *cuffs Matt across the head*

"And what is it?" Celestia asked, curious about what could be so important.

"It appears that my brother and his wife are going to have a foal,"

"Well, I am glad to hear that, but I do not know why it is so urgent?"

"The foal is going to be an Alicorn,"

Matt: Because of reasons.

Celestia froze in place, taking this information in.  A Pegasus couple is going to have an Alicorn?  How is this possible?

Rainbow: I love how she just believes it without questioning.

Matt: That must be one trustworthy guard.  Or he's clairvoyant.  Ask him who's going to win next year's hoofball title!

"Are you sure you didn't misread it?" Celestia asked, getting a shake from Lightning Dash.

"No your highness, it says in the letter that the Dash family is apparently has King Spectrum Blitz as our great grandfather,"

Rainbow: Which apparently means something, but the author forgot to tell us if he was an alicorn or not.

Matt: I think that’s happening a lot, actually.

Celestia stood from her throne and turned to her scribe.  "Tell Mayor Worthy that I will not be coming to Trottingham, and that we are going to Las Pegasus to talk to King Wind Chaser,"

The scribe nodded and wrote the letter.

Celestia turned to her two guards with a stern face.

Matt: She used her special eyes.

Rainbow: MY BRAND!

"Get the chariot ready, we are going to Las Pegasus,"

Matt: VIVA LAS PEGASUS!!!!

~Las Pegasus Castle ~

Rainbow: Slightly behind the craps table.

King Wind Chaser was sitting across from Princess Celestia, he heard everything that was told to him, but was having trouble believing it.

Rainbow: This story just keeps on being dull.  The King was sitting across from the Princess.  That’s all.  No posture, no description, no expression, no setup—NOTHING.

Matt: He had trouble believing it, but no reaction, no expression, no movements—NOTHING.

"So Princess, you are telling me that the next King or Queen of the Pegasi is going to be born, from a family of Pegasi that happened to have King Spectrum Blitz as a grandfather over a thousand years ago?"

Matt: He said, remarkably deadpan for something that is apparently of EARTH-SHATTERING IMPORTANCE.

"Yes I do," Celestia simply stated, she was trying her best to convince the King of the Pegasi, but it was not going so well.

Rainbow: Yet another pesky comma splice.  So, in your world, just when does a student typically learn about basic sentence construction?

Matt: Um, about sixth grade, I think.  If they're slow.

Rainbow: *sigh*

"I'm sorry Princess, but how can a family of Pegasi just now have an Alicorn?"

Matt: There are forms to be filled out!  You can’t go having alicorns just now because you feel like it!  What about the zoning permits?

"We do not know, but it could be that a gene was finally able to be added, or nature itself noticed that you do not have an offspring to take the crown once you die," Celestia explained.

Rainbow: Did the author really just directly invoke magic because he or she had no idea how to explain this?

Matt: Ah, the good ol’ Deus Ex Magica.

Rainbow: What’s that?

Matt: It’s French for “Are you freaking kidding me?”

Wind Chaser couldn't help but agree with his higher up, sure he was king, but it was an honorary title given to the Alicorn royalty to stop confusion between the rulers of Equestria and the the ruler of all pegasi.

Matt: God, this hurts.  It hurts grammatically, it hurts from the comma splice, it hurts from the logic.

Rainbow: Yeah, honorary titles are always given to be a higher rank than the people that give them.

And his only son disappeared years ago.

Rainbow: Maybe he realized how badly he would have been written and faked his own death?

He stared at the sun princess and gave a sigh.

Matt: It was a traditional gift when a King is outranked by a PRINCESS.

"I will go to Cloudsdale to see if this is true, and if it is, I want this to be kept a secret if words get out, the Pegasus council would be furious that a Alicorn born from a lower class will be the next ruler,"

"Understood, I enjoyed having this talk," with that Celestia walked out of the room, with her two guards beside her.

Matt: Wat.

Rainbow: Wat.

Matt: FRAKING WHAT?  It’s complete nonsense with commas sprinkled in!  It’s like the flower shop scene in The Room!  It’s a masterpiece of directionless semi-prose!  This fic should be framed and displayed in museums!

Wind Chaser turned to his guards. "We are going to Cludsdale, and I want you all to keep this a secret, not even your family can know of this," he ordered, the guards saluted and ran out of the room, leaving the king to himself.

Rainbow: Is it just me, or is the writing actually getting worse?  Cludsdale?

Matt: It’s way too early in the day for this.

Rainbow: It's too early in my life for this.

He took off his crown and stared at it, thinking about how the family will react if it turns out that the foal really is an Alicorn.

Matt: Yeah, maybe his other son, Emperor Dash will take over instead.

Rainbow: Not gonna let that go, huh?

Matt: Not a chance.

~The Next Day~

~Dash Household, Cloudsdale~

Wind Chaser stood at the door with his guards beside him, thinking about how he would introduce himself.

Rainbow: “Hi” usually works.

Matt: “Hey, I’m a fake king.”

Rainbow: *sigh*

"Your majesty, shouldn't we knock now?" one of the guards asked.

"Hmm, oh, yes, please do,"

The guard nodded and knocked on the door.

The door opened to reveal a light purple Pegasus.

Matt: Wait, don’t tell me, the pegasus said words.

Rainbow: And he did things.

Matt: Wow.  Truly, this is a work of great power.

"Hello sirs, and hello King Wind Chaser," the Pegasus said smiling, but his smile turned into shock in an instance.

"King Wind Chaser!?" the Pegasus bowed before the king and began to apologize, "I'm sorry your highness, I did not mean to be disrespectful!"

Rainbow: “How dare you say hello to the King!  Off with his head!”

Matt: *tsks* Such disrespect these days.

"It is all right Spectrum Dash; you did not know that I would be coming,"

"You know my name?" Spectrum asked, now scared for his life.

Matt: It had taken him ten years and several fake identities to be free of the police.  Would it all crumble down around him now?

"Yes I do, and I also know that your wife, Aurora Dash, is pregnant, and you think that the foal will be an Alicorn,"

"Yes your highness, we do, I found out that my great grandfather is King Spectrum Blitz," Spectrum admitted.

Rainbow: Which apparently means something.

"Can I see your wife?" Wind Chaser asked.

Rainbow: What an impertinent thing to ask somepony.

Matt: It’s good to be the king!

"Of course your highness, please come in," Spectrum said rather quickly, letting the king and his guards inside.

Wind Chaser looked around the room, and realized that he never been in a home like this, in fact, he never talked directly to one of his subjects before.

Rainbow: Quite a ruler for the common pony, yeah?

Matt: For an honorary monarch, he’s kinda stuck up his own backside, isn’t he?

"Honey, we have a very important guest," Spectrum called.

Aurora came into the room, and saw Wind Chaser.

"Your highness, what brings you here?" Aurora asked scared.

Matt: Scared was clearly unable to reply, though, as it was a mere metaphysical concept and not an actual pony.

Rainbow: Don’t know why she bothered to ask it at all, actually.

"I came to find out if your foal is actually an Alicorn," Wind Chaser said.

The Dash couple looked at each other scared.

Matt: Again with that freaking word!  That’s it, I’m passing the hat.  We need to buy this author a freaking thesaurus.

Rainbow: My bits are staying right where they are, thank you very much!  This dude's on his own!

"This won't hurt the foal will it?" Aurora asked.

Wind Chaser shook his head, "No, all I will do is to sense if there is any magic other than Pegasus in the foal," with that his horn glow a bright blue.

Rainbow: Wow.  I wish our advanced medical technology had been able to do this.

Aurora walked to their king and allowed him to put his horn to her swollen stomach.

Matt: She exploded like a balloon.  The end.

Wind Chaser concentrated; his eyes were closed, in order to see the magic that was coming out of the foal.

Rainbow: Wait a second!  Is that...?

Matt: Couldn’t be...

Rainbow: It IS!  It’s an actual semicolon!  I’m impressed the author found out where it lived!

Matt: And it’s STILL used wrong!  *cries and pounds the arm of the couch* Oh, Luna, please let us out of here...

"I sense Pegasus magic, that is for sure, but I can also sense Earth pony, and unicorn magic, she is an Alicorn, but what is this fourth magic I sense, it could be from the foals mother, but I'm not sure," Wind Chaser thought, he brought his horn away and opened his eyes.

Matt: Oh, sweet Steven Magnet.  That’s just tragic.  That is one trainwreck of a sentence.

Rainbow: Are you overlooking that fact that the author is clearly trying to introduce a non-canon magical ability?

Matt: Yes.  Yes I am.  If I concentrate on that right now, I’ll have an undeniable urge to slit my wrists.

"Aurora, you are having an Alicorn,"

Both: DUH!

Aurora didn't know how to react, she wasn't sure if she should be happy, or scared.

Matt: Well, “scared” has been the most popular choice by far, to this point.

Rainbow: Scared, happy; these are pretty much the only emotions that have been used in this chapter so far.

Matt: This is what happens when you write with a fourth grade vocabulary, people.

"You won't take our foal away when it is born, will you?" Spectrum asked.

"No, I won’t; in fact, nopony will know that the foal is even an Alicorn,”

Rainbow: This author will do anything to avoid using a freaking period.  Did a period murder his parents or something?

Matt: He’s like the Batman of punctuation.

"What do you mean?" Spectrum asked.

"You will see when it is born," with that, Wind Chaser left the house, leaving the couple confused.

Rainbow: Confused.  That’s a new one.

Matt: It’s still as simplistic as possible, but it’s not scared, I’ll give him that.

~5 months later~

~Cloudsdale Hospital~

Matt: What is that now, four time jumps?  Five?  Someone should explain to the author what “narrative” means.

Screams of pain ran through the hospital as Aurora panted, trying to push her foal out.

Rainbow: So, if she was panting, who was screaming?

Matt: This hospital is dangerous!  There’s just rogue screams of pain running around unsupervised!

Spectrum was at her side, holding her hoof, and Dr. Bandage was at the other side, watching while the Royal Canterlot doctors did their work.

Matt: And they were in Cloudsdale why?

Rainbow: I’m just glad somepony realized that Dr. Bandage was incompetent and didn’t let him help.

Matt: *snorts* Bandage...

"Come on Mrs. Dash, you are doing great," the doctor said.

Matt: Push em out, shove em out, waaaaaayy out!

The screams continued until she the pain went away,

Rainbow: That is how it usually works, yes.

only to be replaced with the crying of a foal.

"Congratulation, it's a beautiful Alicorn filly," the doctor said, cleaning the filly and wrapping her in a blanket, giving it to Aurora.

"Spectrum, she's beautiful, she has your mane and eyes," Aurora said, crying from joy.

Matt: “I was wondering where they were!”

The filly was a cyan coloured and had magenta eyes, and her mane was a rainbow of colours, she also had a horn, and wings.

Rainbow: How... bland.

Matt: She was described as completely normal and typical—oh and she also had this one amazing thing that made her totally special.  I’m gonna need to fetch my Sue-huntin’ guns, arent’ I?

Rainbow: I'm just so amazed that someone could make a description of somepony as distinctive as me so dull.

Spectrum couldn't help but also cry at the sight.

Rainbow: Because the author didn’t really give him an option.

"Hello there my little Dashie, I'm your daddy,"

Rainbow: *grits her teeth*

Matt: Ha!  Dashie...

Rainbow: Come on, dude!  The story is one thing, but you, too?

Matt: *sticks out his tongue* When it stops bugging you, I stop using it.

Spectrum brought his hoof to his daughter, who grabbed it with weak hooves, causing Spectrum and Aurora to giggle.

Matt: Now she’s got his eyes, his mane, and his hoof.

Rainbow: Seems like she’s kinda greedy.

"What should we call her?" Aurora asked, smiling as their foal went to sleep.

"How about Rainbow," Spectrum suggested.

"Rainbow, I love that name, our little Rainbow Dash,"

"I like it as well,"

Rainbow: “I love that name.”

Matt: “I like it.”

Rainbow: “It’s not bad.”

Matt: “I mean, it’s okay, right?”

Rainbow: “It’s not thrilling.”

Matt: “I’m not a fan.”

Rainbow: “I hate it!”

Matt: “It’s terrible!”

Everypony turned their head to see their king, Wind Chaser walk into the room, the ponies bowed, all expect for Aurora and Spectrum.

Rainbow: Who had paid attention earlier and realized that he wasn’t a real king.

Wind Chaser walked to the couple and looked at the baby.

"I definitively see you both in her,"

Matt: That’s like definitely, but not.

"Your highness, what are you doing?" Spectrum asked.

Rainbow: “Celestia told me all about this ‘checking’ thing she does.  I’m giving it a shot!”

"I am making sure that she doesn't get treated like royalty," Wind Chaser's horn glowed, and he brought it to the foal, and before their eyes, the Alicorn became a Pegasus.

Matt: Um... which alicorn became a pegasus now?

Rainbow: Ambiguity, you strike again.

"What did you do?" Aurora asked, confused at the sight.

Matt: “I turned myself into a freaking pegasus!  Oh, why am I so bad at magic?”

"I cast an illusion spell on her, it will last till I die, or until she dies," Wind Chaser explained.

"What do you mean, aren't Alicorns immortal?" Dr. Bandage asked.

Rainbow: Incoming canon-rape...

"In most cases yes, but since Rainbow here has more Pegasus than Alicorn in her; she will have the life span of a Pegasus,"

Matt: *cough*Bullshit*cough*

Rainbow: Need some water there?

Matt: Sorry ‘bout that, I have an allergy to retarded storytelling.

"Your highness, what do you want us to do?" Spectrum asked.

Rainbow: “I’d like you to come up with a more plausible story than I just did.”

"I want you to raise her like you would raise a Pegasus, tell her nothing of her heritage, I want her to rule in my place, with the knowledge of how the world works, and feels," Wind Chaser ordered.

Matt: “This will make her a much superior ruler than I am, since I had never even been in a regular home before I met you.”

Rainbow: Merciful Luna, he is such a crap king.

The couple bowed their heads at their king.  "Yes, your highness,"

"Good, now I will be going back to Las Pegasus, Celestia will be coming to get her royal doctors; I trust them to not tell anypony,"

Rainbow: Thanks for finally explaining what they were doing there, story.

Matt: We still have it only on the barest of logical conjecture that they’re even pegasi.

Rainbow: I'm not even sure they're alive.  I'm just imagining a cardboard cutout standing near the bed.

The couple didn't listen, as they went back to their daughter, smiling at the fact that they now have somepony to love them.

Matt: Isn’t that sorta backwards from the way a family is supposed to work?

The rest is history.

Matt: As are we.  Let’s get the hell outta here, Dash.

Rainbow: Right behind ya.

The two of us were in the kitchen a few minutes later.  Rainbow sat on the table, swinging her rear hooves in the air as I dug uselessly through the fridge for the third time.  "Aw, man, I really thought I had some in here..."

"Whatcha lookin’ for?" the mare chimed in.

"Booze.  I could have sworn I had some, and I have a suspicion that this job is only gonna get worse as we go on."

Rainbow laughed.  "Want me to call up AJ and see if I can get us a stash of cider?"

I scowled, almost slamming the refrigerator shut.  "Meh.  That stuff's alright, but it gets old pretty quickly.  Don’t you have anything else in Equestria?"

"Like what?"

"Note to self," I muttered, "research how to distill bourbon..."

The TV blinked back on to show Luna.  "Matt?  Rainbow?  Is this viewer functioning?"

" We’re in the kitchen, Princess," Rainbow called out.

" Ah.  I shall have to have my visual field expanded in the future.  At any rate, you have both done well.  This story is awful, surely, but you both have taken it in good humor!"

Rainbow buffed her hoof on her chest smugly.  "Yeah, well, what can I say?  It’s what we do."

I smiled.  "Thanks, Luna.  I guess Dash here just brings out my sarcastic side."

"Me?" she blurted.  "I used to be a sweet, innocent mare before you showed up!"

"Oh please," I snorted, laughing.  "Like I’d buy that even if I hadn’t known about you before I got here."

"Which does remind me, Matt," Luna called to us.  "I have taken the liberty of securing your mobile computer from your former world."

I jumped into the air, cheering.  "You got my lappy!  Oh thank you!  Thank everything!"

Luna smirked.  "Thou art most welcome.  It should arrive soon, and will be delivered to you thence.  Until next time!"  The TV shut off as I pumped my fists in exultation.

"Yes!  My music!  It's coming home to me!"

"Nice," Rainbow grinned.  "Can’t wait to see what you’ve got worth listening to.  In the meantime, though, what’s for lunch?  I’m starving over here."

"And what makes you think I’m providing food for you?"

"Because you are."

I sighed, knowing I wasn't winning this argument and not really into trying.  "Fine, let’s go hit the market.  There ain’t much in here."

-fin-

[03] Queen of Cloudsdale, Pt. 3

I'm still not sure how my phone worked in Equestria, but I found that the less I questioned such things, the happier I was with my new life.  At any rate, it worked just fine.  So much the worse then, as I listened to my wingmare's bad news from the other end of the line.

"Yeah," I said into the handset.  "Oh man...  No, I get it, it's cool...  No, seriously, you take some time to recoup.  Don't go making things worse or anything like that...  I'll see you when you can get here, no need to rush...  Yeah...  Okay, bye, Rainbow."

I ended the call and slumped slightly on the couch, depressed.  In my state, I hardly even noticed the TV turn on and Luna wandered in from off-screen.

"Good day to you, Sir Matt!"

"Yeah, hi, Luna," I replied, distracted.  "Hey, don't you think by now that you can just call me 'Matt'?"

Equestria's ruler hesitated.  "I suppose, though I admit I am still not used to the lack of decorum you show me.  I do not feel it holds to the proper standards of punishment.  You are not intended to enjoy this, after all."

I rolled my eyes.  "Yeah, that must be why you gave me this house to live in.  Come on, we're buddies, aren't we?"

"I—Are we "buddies?"  She stared at me, considering the never-before considered notion.

"Yup," I replied.  "Totally."

Luna beamed happily.  "How wonderful!  I have never before had a "buddy."  What manner of things do "buddies" normally do?"

I kept my face nonchalant.  "Oh, hang out, watch movies, not make each other riff horrible stories..."

"Oh ho!" the Princess laughed.  "I have indeed seen what thou hast attempted.  Well played."

I folded my arms grumpily.  "Worth a shot..."

" Where is thy compatriot, Rainbow Dash?"

"I just talked to her," I sighed, unhappily relaying my recent call.  "The Wonderbolts called her up to Cloudsdale to train a rookie, and the idiot misread a maneuver, spun out, and got them both injured.  He washed out of the team, and she got a dislocated hip and sprained wing from the landing.  She'll be in the hospital for two days and laid up in her house for another two weeks before she can even fly down to Ponyville again."

Luna winced.  "How terrible.  We must remember to send her a card at least."

"You're not wrong."  I scratched at my hair, distractedly.  "So she's stuck at home for all of that time, and no performance flying for at least a month."  I threw a pointed look at Luna.  "And since I'm stuck here, I'm assuming this isn't merely a social call?"

The alicorn looked chagrined, her ears falling to the sides solemnly.  "Indeed, I do have yet another chapter for you to tackle, but I do not know that I feel right in giving it to you without a companion..."

I shrugged.  "Well, I mean, sure it's bad, but it's not, like, that bad."

Luna's ears perked up as she smiled.  "Perhaps I have a solution.  I believe one of the tenants of a "buddy" is that they are to "have your back" when times are difficult.  And since we are now buddies, I shall assist you!"

"Woah, wait.  What?"

I flinched and cried out as a blinding flash bored its way into my eyes.  I rubbed furiously at them, swearing constantly under my breath, and opened them again to see Luna on the couch beside me.

The alicorn cheered happily as the doors and windows activated, clicking shut.  "Huzzah!  Let us begin!"

"Oh sweet Harmony," I moaned.  "Luna, you do know what you're getting into, right?"

Her reckless grin was infectious.  "Only the barest notions, Matt, but we shall prevail nonetheless!"

In its typical place, the story klaxon blared out its typical wash of light.

Luna practically jumped with glee.  "THE STORY SIGN ACTIVATES!"

"Here goes nothing..." I muttered.

~Golden Oaks Library, Ponyville~

Luna: So, what do I do?

Matt: It's easy, just watch and learn.

Rainbow Dash stared down in shock in what she heard.  She didn’t want to believe it, but here she was, an Alicorn who would have to rule over the Pegasi.

Matt: Always good to see the notion of free will getting kicked in the head.

She wanted to be angry at her parents for keeping it a secret from her, but they made her happy, so she couldn’t be mad at them, nor at Celestia or Dr. Bandage.

Matt: If she wants to be a good political leader, she'd better get used to the idea of blaming someone.

Luna: *gasps*  Such cynicism!  Do political dealings in your world follow such patterns?

Matt: Generally, yes, but it's more sarcasm than cynicism.  It's how riffing works, Luna.  Now come on; you're a freaking troll, I know you've got a sarcastic side.  Give it a shot!

“I’m sure that this is a lot to take in,” Celestia said, cutting Rainbow Dash’’s thought.

Luna: Um, oh!  Okay.  "It would take weeks for such a cut to heal."  How was that?

Matt: Not bad!  Just let it roll naturally, and boost the snarkiness.

“But we had to do it, so you would know how the real world works when you became queen,”

Matt: Something the previous ruler failed to grasp at all, and what did it get him?

“I guess so, but Celestia, I wonder something?” Rainbow Dash asked.

Luna: Just one thing?

“What is it?”

Matt: "Why do they call it a flea market when you don't buy fleas?"

“What is this fourth magic Wind Chaser sensed in me?”

Luna: She has raised an excellent point, actually.

The sun princess smiled, “I think you know what it is, you used it to stop Nightmare Moon and Discord,”

Matt: A wild Deus Ex Magica appears!

Luna: What is that?

Matt: Right.  You're getting an education, too, as soon as this is over.  Internets for everypony!

Rainbow Dash’s eyes widened in realization.

“You mean-”

“Yes Rainbow Dash, the Element of Loyalty,” Celestia answered.

Matt: Laaaaaaame.

Luna: To claim that revelation as "underwhelming" fails to do it due service, I think.

“Wow, I guess that makes me the most awesome Alicorn, I can’t wait to tell everypony that, but I am going to have to decline, since I have a job, and friends,” Rainbow Dash boasted.

Matt: It amuses me how Rainbow can't seem to decide if she's a self-absorbed braggart or a humble, damaged flower.

Luna:  I am noting quite a number of grammatical errors thus far.  Is such a thing common?

Matt: You kinda start overlooking them after a while.  You have to, or else your brain tries to escape out your ear.

Celestia and the mayors stared at each other in with uneasy looks.

Matt: "In with." You know what?  "Uneasy" isn't scared or happy, so I'll accept it.

“Rainbow Dash, you are going to be Queen of the Pegasi,” Celestia said.

Luna: My sister wouldst never force such a burden on another pony!  Neither wouldst I!

Matt: What about Twilight becoming an alicorn?

Luna: She performed that act herself, my sister's place was merely to help her decide her own path after the fact.

The rainbow Alicorn turned to the princess with a disbelieving look.

“But don’t I have a choice?”

Matt: *waves his hands* THE POWER OF THE PLOT COMPELS YOU!  THE POWER OF THE PLOT COMPELS YOU!

“No, you don’t.  Once the king or queen chooses one to rule, they must become the next ruler, it is a law that must be held,” Celestia answered.

Luna: Such a law is hardly enforceable at best, and shamefully cruel at worst.

Matt: Are we talking about pegasi rulers or Obamacare?  OH SNAP, YES I JUST WENT THERE!

Luna: *stares* Humans are so odd...

Rainbow Dash looked back down, her emotions being masked behind the unseen face.

Luna: Unseen face?  Was Rainbow veiled in some manner?

Matt: AHHHHH!  It's Slenderpony!

“So I have no right to decline it,”

“I’m afraid not,”

“This is bull-shit!” Rainbow Dash yelled,

Matt: She speaks for us all!

she stood on the bed, her wings flared, her horn glowing with magenta magic, and her face concerted in pure rage.

Luna: Is there a meaning for "concerted" that I am not familiar with?

Matt: No, I think he meant "contorted."  The author's just not familiar with the word.  Or, honestly, most words.

Everypony stepped back from the Alicorn, afraid that Rainbow Dash would attack them.

Luna: Why would they assume that?  Is she not an Element of Harmony and a hero of Equestria in this story?

Matt: The first casualty of badfic is logic, Luna.  The author will bend reality itself to fit his plot, no matter how poorly thought-out it may be.

“Please calm down Rainbow Dash, I know that you are mad, but you have to understand that this law was placed by the first King of the Pegasi,” Celestia said, the two mayors were hiding behind the Alicorn princess.

Matt: You know, I hate to harp on this again, but why doesn't Celestia just, you know, overrule the king who she outranks?

“Calm down!?  You want me to fucking calm down!?” Rainbow Dash yelled, her mane was now crackling with electricity.

Luna: What significance does that word have in your world?

Matt: It's a naughty word for naughty ponies.  Cover your ears, Luna.

Luna: *blusters*  I—you—I am thousands of years older than—

Matt: Shh, shh... *pats Luna on the shoulder* Hush and enjoy the pain.

Everypony stared at her in shock and fear.  Shock that the Rainbow Dash was swearing, something that was highly frowned upon,

Luna: Swearing?  That warrants nothing less than banishment!

Matt: Harsh, but fair.

and afraid that the Alicorn could do with her magic, since she never used it before.

Matt: If only there were, oh, I dunno, another highly powerful alicorn around who could protect everypony from such an outburst.

Luna: *giggles* This story, 'tis highly absurd.

But out of all of them, the ones most hurt by it were Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie.

Matt: Typecast much?

Fluttershy was silently crying behind Applejack, she could not believe that her first friend, would do say such hurtful things.

Luna: Does this word have such significance in your world as well?

Matt: Bluntly?  No.  You'd figure that if they know what the word is that they'd know it isn't quite the world-shattering invective it's portrayed as here.

Pinkie Pie was tearing up, and her poofy mane was flat, even she knew with all her universe bending powers, she could not cheer up her friend.

Matt: Yet another instance of merely taking a response or act directly from the show without trying to understand it's significance.

Luna: Pinkie would not react thus?

Matt: Not even close.  The last time that happened it was due to her abandonment issues, not just mere sadness.  Pinkie wouldn't fold like a cheap hotel bedsheet just because Dash was unhappy.

Rainbow Dash turned her attention to the two mayors behind Celestia.  “Now tell me, why are you two here!?”

Matt: "Nopony told us why!"

Luna: "We were told there would be cake!"

“W-well you s-see Q-Q-Queen Rainbow Dash, w-we w-w-w-were sent t-to c-convince y-y-you to rule in e-either L-L-Las Pegasus or C-C-Cloudsdale,” the mayor of Cloudsdale stuttered.

Luna: Clearly, this may only be solved by the two mayors engaging in a duel.

This made something in Rainbow Dash snap,

Matt: Which is quite a trick with no thumbs.

“So you were going to take me away from my friends!?  Well that is not going to happen!”

With that said, the rainbow Alicorn’s horn flashed a bright magenta, causing everpony in the room to shield their eyes.  When they removed their hooves, they saw that Rainbow Dash was gone.

Matt: Luna, how many years of study does it take to learn teleporting?

Luna: Almost a dozen, typically.  Twilight Sparkle was one of the very few exceptions to that rule.

Matt: Thought so.

“Wh-What happened?” Rarity asked, looking around nervously.

“She teleported, but that not possible, she doesn’t even know how to use magic!” Twilight exclaimed, trying her best to wrap her head around the fact that her friend teleported.

Luna: Well clearly it is possible, Twilight, because it just happened.  Honestly, it is as if Celestia and I have taught you nothing...

“When a Unicorn or Alicorn gets enraged, they can do things they never thought they could do,” Celestia answered.

Matt: Really?  Where was that during the Changeling attack on Canterlot?

Luna: *winces* I believe ponies these days refer to that as a "burn."

“Where do you think Rainbow teleported to?” Applejack asked worried for her friend.

“I’m guessing that she’s around Ponyville; the magic she used was not powerful enough to send her far,” Celestia guessed.

Matt: Making Up Rules As We Go: The Movie

“Okay, let’s find her girl,” Twilight said, the others nodded and ran out of the library.

Luna: The others would have followed her instead of running out, but she only asked for one girl, after all.

~Sugercube Corner Entrance, Ponyville~

Matt: Needlessly specific...

A bright light appeared, then disappeared to reveal a panting Rainbow Dash.  Her horn was sparking and she was sweating.

Matt: Again, everypony caught up now?

          "That took too much out of me, but I can't let them find me, and fortunately, the only place they can't reach me is my house,” Rainbow Dash said to herself.

Luna: Wait, I am confused.  Who exactly is not capable of reaching her at her home?

Matt: Yeah, because obviously neither Celestia nor the leaders of two pegasus cities would be able to fly or anythingGODTHISISSODUMB!!

She spread her wings and took to the air, but instantly regretted it when she felt pain in her body.

Luna: I am beginning to know how she feels...

“Ow, I guess magic does more than just leaving you exhausted,” she thought to herself.

Matt: Is she casting from hit points or something?  Is her mana pool low?  Does it damage her?

Luna: *summons a cherry tart and munches on it* Nope, I didn't lose any internal organs by utilizing magic.  I cannot say what she did wrong.

Rainbow Dash landed on her porch and went into her house, in hopes to rest,

Matt: Ooookay, guess it didn't really hurt that bad, then.

but she saw herself in the mirror, and instantly got angry.

Matt: "I told the mane stylist medium bangs!"

Luna: "Hey!  That pony owes me money!"

Matt: *falls off the couch laughing* Oh, jeez, oh—that’s too good.  Oh man, I'm telling that one to Rainbow when she gets back...

“Stupid Alicorn blood, stupid laws, and stupid royalty,” Rainbow Dash fumed, walking away from the mirror.

Rainbow Dash was angrier than she has ever felt before.  

Matt: A whole THREE stupid's worth of angry-ness.

How could the mayors, and Celestia herself, say that she couldn't turn it down.

Luna: I had heard the others speak of the elusive "ninja comma," is this a "ninja question mark?"

Matt: If we knew, it would already be too late.

She had every right to, but no, it was the law, and she had to follow it.

Matt: Does nopony understand how royalty works?

She stomped her hoof on a nearby table, causing a huge hole in it.

Luna: How does one "cause" a hole?

Matt: It's some high-level chaos theory stuff, Luna.  Better to not question it.

Why couldn't her parents say no to this when she was born, and how dare they keep it a secret.

Matt: They were hoping Nicholas Cage would make National Treasure 3 about it?

Looking outside, she decided to do the most reckless thing she would ever do,

Luna: She would finally attempt Pinkie Pie's "eat a bowl of sugar in 60 seconds" challenge.

she ran out of her house and took to the air, her eyes set on Cloudsdale, and her parents, tonight she would get answers.

Matt: "How many licks does it take to get to the center of the Tootsie Roll Tootsie pop?  HOW MANY?  TELL ME, DAMN YOU!"

~Golden Oaks Library Entrance, Ponyville~

Luna: Once again, everypony seems to be crammed into just the doorway.  That seems quite awkward and uncomfortable.

Everypony stared at each other, all of them with worried looks on their faces.

Matt: ALL of them heard the fart, and nopony was confessing...

“Did any of you find Rainbow Dash!?” Twilight exclaimed, getting a shake from all of them.

Luna: All of that shaking could give Twilight a concussion.

Matt: See?  I knew you would get the hang of this!  You're a natural, Luna!

“I hope she isn’t hurt,” Fluttershy commented quietly.

“This is bad, if Queen Rainbow Dash doesn’t come back, the Pegasus Council will have our heads,” the mayor of Las Pegasus said, shaking in fear.

Matt: Does the council outrank the Queen, too?

Luna: You seem... fixated on this point...

Matt: NOT.  LETTING IT.  GO.

“So that is the most important thing for y’all, to save your own flank?” Applejack asked, glaring at the two mayors, who ended up backing up.

Matt: "No disassemble Johnny Five!"

“Applejack please calm down, yelling at them won’t help,” Twilight said, putting her hoof on the apple farmers back.

“Sorry Twi, I’m just worried about Rainbow Dash,”

“We all are darling, we all are,” Rarity said, a sad look in her eyes.

Matt: We're all just so darling, aren't we?

Luna: Commas are important.

“Ah hope Rainbow Dash isn’t going to do something that she will regret,”  Applejack said.

Luna: Spend her life's savings on Wonderbolt trading cards?

Matt: Appear in a Michael Bay film?

Luna: Attempt Pinkie Pie's "eat a bowl of sugar in 60 seconds" challenge?

“Don’t worry, she won’t do something like that,” Twilight reassured, she turned back to the group with a determined look on her face.

“Now let’s continue our search,”

~Dash Household, Cloudsdale~

Aurora Dash was staring at one of the pictures she held in her hooves; the picture was a filly Rainbow Dash on her 9th birthday; she was blowing out the candles while Spectrum Dash was seen singing “happy birthday”.

Matt: Uh oh, that song's under copyright.  Luna, how good are Equestria’s lawyers?

Luna: I can't say that we are accustomed to many copyright cases.

Aurora wiped a tear from her eye, seeing the pictures that were laid out on the floor reminded her that Rainbow Dash was no longer the Pegasus she loved, but now Alicorn royalty.

"Aurora, is something wrong?" Spectrum asked, appearing behind his wife.

Matt: Aww, see, he didn't read the script from last chapter like his wife did.

“No, I was just looking at some pictures of our little filly,” Aurora answered, trying her best to wipe her tears away, but this did not go unnoticed by Spectrum.

“Aurora, I know that you are upset, but we knew that this was coming (even though we wished it didn’t),” Spectrum said, whispering the last part to himself.

Luna: How does one speak in parentheses?

Matt: It's a lazy thing.  Narrative is a foreign word to this author.

“I just hope she decides to visit us before she leaves us forever,”

Luna: Since it would appear that visiting ponies is against the rules or something for royalty.

Spectrum just stared at his wife with a sad expression, but there time together would be cut short by a slamming on the door.

Matt: That's like knocking, or even pounding, but not.

“I’ll get it,” Spectrum walked to the door and opened it, his eyes widened and his mouth gaped open at the sight that befell him.  His daughter, Rainbow Dash, was at his door, as an Alicorn.

Matt: Okay, time out.  Stop the fic, Luna.

Luna: What seems to be the problem, Matt?

Matt: It's time to double down.  If I can call this next conversation, you have to give me the option of not doing any more of it.

Luna: Interesting idea.  Let me hear your hypothesis.

Matt: *clears his throat and counts off on his fingers* Okay then.  Rainbow is 1) gonna bitch and moan to her parents, who will 2) protest that they did the best they could, didn't have a choice in the matter, but she still can't refuse, 3) because of asinine rules and the good of ponykind or some shit like that- DESPITE the fact that the King/Queen literally does nothing.  And, 4) the whole thing will be resolved by a loophole that doesn't make any freaking sense.

Luna: ...  Well, let us see how your prognostication plays out.

“Rainbow, what are you doing here?” Spectrum asked, not even noticing his daughters enraged expression.

Luna: Powers of observation don't go far in this story.

“I’ll tell you why I’m here!  I’m here to find out why you didn’t tell King Wind Chaser that I shouldn’t be queen!” Rainbow Dash yelled,

Matt: *holds up one finger* That's one...

her tone just a few decibel short of the Royal Canterlot Voice, but it still had the same effect as Spectrum was forced back.

Luna: Writers seem to think that the Royal Voice comes naturally to alicorns.  I must say it does not.

Matt: Cadance never learned it?

Luna: Her attempts were quite humorous.

“Please Rainbow, you must understand, we tried our best to stop it, but he wouldn’t hear it,”

Matt: *grunts irritably and holds up fingers two and three*

Spectrum tried to reason with the Alicorn before him, but it was not working.

“Well you should have tried harder!”

Matt: What was the King gonna do, throw you in jail?  How many levels of bureaucracy would he have to go through first?

“Rainbow Marian Dash!  You shouldn’t yell at your father like that,”

Luna: "Marian?"

Matt: Because inserting random human names into ponyfic makes so much sense.  Especially when they're misspelled.

Rainbow Dash recognized the voice, only one pony called her with her middle name, and it was her mother.

Luna: Every time there's the slightest bit of drama or suspense, the story comes along to defuse the tension for us.

She turned to her mother, who looked at her with stern eyes, ready to discipline the Alicorn.

Matt: "You aren't too big to put over my knee, missy!"

“Why shouldn’t I, it is because of you two that I can no longer live in Ponyville,

Matt: Says who?

I can’t join the Wonderbolts anymore!

Matt: Says who?

And most importantly I... I...,” Rainbow shouted, but when she was getting to the last part of her sentence, her posture broke with her shaking, and fighting back tears.

“I can’t see my friends and you anymore!”

Matt: SAYS WHO?!  I swear to Harmony, this fic pulls more things out of its ass th— *jumps as he's cuffed in the back of the head by Luna* Ow!

Luna: Mind thy language around a Princess.

Rainbow Dash cried out, her tears now flowing out.  She ran to her mother and hugged her, crying into her shoulder.

Aurora hugged her sobbing daughter back, petting her mane.  “It’s okay Rainbow Dash; just let it all out,”

“I-(hic) - I can’t be a-(hic)-a queen, I don’t-(hic)-even know how to-(hic)-act like one,” Rainbow Dash continued to sob, her throat was starting to hurt, but she didn’t care, she just wanted to be in her mother's embrace.

Matt: I just can't buy this.  From what we've seen in the story, all a King or Queen ever does is follow whatever stupid rules were in place before they got there.  She could do anything in her spare time.  This seems like it should be the greatest thing ever to happen to Rainbow Dash.

Spectrum walked up to the two and put his hoof on his daughters shoulder.

“Rainbow Dash, believe me, this is not what we wanted, your mother and I tried our best, but Wind Chaser made it clear that he wanted you to rule in his place, but at least you can choose where you want to live,” Spectrum said, trying to look at the positive side.

Matt: Aaaand there we have it, people: the un-foreshadowed and nonsense loophole to save the day.  Game, set, match.  Can I please quit this stupid story now, Luna?

Luna: I will admit, this story proceeds at a most predictable pace, and is not all that entertaining.

Matt: It's worse than just formulaic; it's boring.  There’s not a worse crime for a story than that.

Luna: Hmmm...  Very well, but don't think this is the end of your penance, human.  Let us await an ending point before we stop.

Rainbow Dash’s eyes widened in realization at what her father said it was true; she could live where she wanted.  The mayors of Cloudsdale and Las Pegasus were only there to convince her to move to one of the two cities, but she remembered that Queen Surprise ruled from the city of Moose Jaw.

Luna: Where is that?

Matt: Canada.  Ponies live in freaking Canada.  That's it, I'm out.

Luna: I admit that I, too, have had enough of this.

Luna leaned back against the couch, nodding in a satisfied way.  "Well, Matt, I am glad I experienced that with you."

I snorted.  "You're kidding, right?  How could you possibly have enjoyed that?"

"Well, for one, I did enjoy our camaraderie.  It appears to me that we made an adequate pairing to combat such a story as this, even without the aid of our eponymous character, Rainbow Dash."

I grunted in agreement.  "Well, you're not wrong.  You seemed to catch on pretty quickly, Princess."

She grinned evilly at me.  "Besides, I now know what sort of story will be more effective to punish you with in the future."

"Awesome," I sighed.  "I get stories that are even more painful AND you got to practice your sarcasm.  My stay in Equestria just keeps getting better..."

Luna smirked.  "That is all for the future to decide, in any case.  I do believe that you had mentioned something about education a bit earlier.  Might I ask just what it is that you propose to teach a Princess who is several millennia old?"

I gave her a wide, shit-eating grin of my own.  I ushered the Princess of the Night over to my computer desk, opened up my prized laptop, and navigated my web browser to display the TV Tropes web page for Luna's perusal.

She shifted eagerly in the seat.  "Oh?  What’s this?"

I just chuckled.  "You enjoy that, Luna.  You just enjoy that."

-fin-

[04] A Dash For Dash

"Dost thou have any threes?"

"Go fish."

Luna muttered darkly, reaching forward to the stack of cards in the middle of the table and drawing off the top.  Don't ask me how she was holding cards with hooves, because I can't help you out.

I yawned and stretched my limbs out, placing my cards down on the tabletop.  "Man, It’s a dark day when I’m thinking about wanting a story to riff."

"Now?" Luna questioned, lowering her own cards.  "Without your partner, Rainbow Dash?  Art thou feeling up to it?"

I laughed.  "Oh, Luna, your combination of the archaic and modern speech is hilarious.  And not really, just more like I’m itching for something to do.  It’s freaking boring around here without Rainbow."  I looked out the window at the beautiful day outside.  "And ever since Rainbow Dash ended up stuck at her place with bits of her broken, I've been bored out of my mind."

The Princess of the Night threw out her lip in the most adorable pout ever.  "Awwww, but I am enjoying our card game!"

"I am, too, and I appreciate you keeping me occupied, but it’s not the same," I said, placating her.  "I’m used to a more athletic lifestyle, and I can always talk Rainbow into a game of hoofball, or running, or something.  When I sit still this long, I just kinda get stir-crazy.  I need something more to focus on."

Thankfully, just at that moment somepony knocked at the front door.  I glanced over and stood up.  "Hang on just a sec, Luna."  I walked over and pulled the door open to see Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle on my porch.  "Oh, hey, guys!  What's up?"

Pinkie beamed in her customary way.  "Hiii!  How’s it goin’, human buddy?"

"Good morning, Matt," Twilight said, hiding a smile at Pinkie's enthusiasm behind her hoof.  "I was wondering if you have the part ready for me?"

I snapped my fingers as I recalled the part she was referring to.  "Oh yeah, it’s on my workbench.  Hang on a moment, I’ll grab it.  Come on in!"

My guests took the invitation.  Pinkie bounced in through the door, as she was wont to do, and Twilight closed the door behind them both before looking up to notice Luna sitting at my kitchen table.  "I—oh, hello, Princess!"

Luna nodded amicably.  "Good morning, Twilight Sparkle.  And to you as well, Pinkie Pie."

Pinkie glanced at the table and all the cards scattered across the surface between our chairs.  "Oooh, you and Luna were playing cards?  Without me?"  She instantly pulled a deck of cards out of hammerspace and started shuffling them between her hooves with a skill that was almost frightening.

I chuckled as I rummaged around my workbench.  "Sorry, Pinks, I learned my lesson at my party, you shark.  I hadn't even earned a bit to my name, and I think I'm already down about twenty-five hundred bucks after that night."  Finally finding what I was looking for, I drew out a small mechanical part, which looked for all the world like a circuit board.  From what I had seen from working on it, it even worked almost exactly like one, too, except that it wasn't meant to handle electrical current, but magical.

Luna perked up, standing up in an attempt to see what I had in my hand.  "What is that for?"

"Oh, it's something to do with thaumic whatsits.  Twilight asked me to make a few modifications to it.  It’s a lot easier for me, given that I’ve got a natural advantage," I explained, holding up a hand and waggling my fingers.

Pinkie scoffled breezily.  "Pfffft, I can do that."

She took in a huge breath of air and lifted a forehoof, but I moved quicker than I ever had in my life, slapping my hand over her mouth.  "No.  No," I said seriously, using my most serious face.  "I don’t ever want to see that again.  It was horrific before, and it’s even worse in person."

Twilight rolled her eyes at us, tucking the part safely away in her saddlebag.  "I’m doing tests on magical resonance and thaumic induction fields," she told Luna.  "I’m testing ways to make magical storage conductors more efficient."

"And it turns out that all that magitech stuff works very similarly to our electronic circuits back home, and I studied those in college," I chimed in.  "So, it actually wasn't very hard for me to work on."

"And dare I inquire why Pinkie is here as well?" Luna asked with a knowing smirk.

Pinkie shrugged.  "Twilight looked like she needed a walking buddy!"

I had come to know and fear well the expression that I suddenly noticed on Luna's face.  "Well, perhaps your request has been granted after all, Matt," she said slyly.

"Wait, what?  Oh no, no you don’t, don't you even—"

Ignoring me with an evil smile, Luna vanished in a flash of teleportation magic, leaving me blinking against the sudden flare of light.  "Damn that alicorn..." I muttered darkly.

Twilight threw me a concerned look.  "Dare I ask?"

I groaned.  "She’s gonna lock us in and force us to riff something."

"Um, she knows I can teleport, too, right?" Twilight asked, somewhere between amused and concerned.

"And that I’m, well, me?" Pinkie added.

I mock-glared at them both.  "Oh, I really hope she thought of that.  This would be a bit of comeuppance, considering that you two are the reason I’m stuck here in the first place."

Twilight shook her head adamantly.  "Not me, that was a version of me from an alternate dimension of Ponyville."

I snorted.  "Don't you throw your semantics at me, sister.  Dimensional travel is discovered in all dimensions concurrently by definition, ergo, you helped.  And I know Pinkie is to blame.  Somehow."

The vibrant mare just shrugged.  "I’d deny it, but meh.  We needed a riffer, and you were one of the ones recommended!  Maybe you’ll meet your friends who set you up someday, you can ask them why."

"Well, I need you now," I countered.  "Rainbow's not here to be my wingmare, and Luna’s gonna turn on that light on the wall any second and start the pain.  So, feel like sitting in on a riff with me?"

Pinkie immediately bounced off towards the kitchen.  "Sounds awesome!  I’ll get the popcorn!"

"...but I don’t even have any—forget it.  Twi?  We could use your powers of sarcasm and literary analysis."

Twilight shrugged and started taking off her saddlebags.  "Sure, why not.  I’ve studied this riffing phenomenon before, so now’s a great time to get my hooves dirty myself, as it were."

The hated light began flashing gold, and Pinkie and Twilight rushed for seats on the couch as I vaulted over the back of the couch to land between the mares.

"WE GOT STORY SIGN!"

Rainbow Dash, the most beautiful pony I’ve ever seen.

Twilight: Ever seen... flying?

Pinkie: Skiing?

Matt: Snorkling?  Come on, man, give us something here.

Ever since the first time I saw her in flight school, I’ve been enticed by her Beauty.

Matt: She has the dog from The Hills Have Eyes?  Doesn’t seem very enticing to me.

I could never seem to get my mind off of her,

Pinkie: Well, covering the walls of your room with creepy pictures of her probably isn’t helping with that.

I’ve tried liking other ponies, but that just doesn’t seem to work.

Twilight: “Couldn’t you just, like, try not liking Rainbow Dash?”

Matt: They’re gonna send him to some sort of camp, aren’t they?

I’ve never seen any pony as skilled as her. I made it my mission to make her mine.

Matt: *holds up a violently beeping box* Wow!  It only took one paragraph for the creep-o-meter to peg out!

Pinkie: Where did you get that from?

Matt: Rule of Funny.

Pinkie: Oh, you’re gonna start stealing my tricks now?

Sure she can be a little rough around the edges sometimes, and she can be obtuse. But in the end, I know she’s the pony for me.

Twilight: Why are so many OC characters stalkers?  This is a disturbing trend.

Matt: I blame the fact that the most meaningful relationship most fanfic writers have had is with their hand.

Twilight: Ewwwww—Matt, why?

Oh, I never properly introduced myself. My apologies, they call me Aero.

Pinkie: Aww, you can’t get them to stop?

Matt: *snort*

I’m a light brown Pegasus pony. I have dark brown hair, and I have a calculator for cutie mark.

Twilight: And... what’s a calculator?

Matt: Twi, you know what a calculator is.

Twilight: That’s true, but I was making a point.  It’s a pretty strange thing to have as a cutie mark, considering most of Equestria still uses the abacus.

I’ve dedicated a good portion of my life studying math in order to try and build more efficient means of weather control for the other Pegasus.

Pinkie: The bad portion of my life I devoted to stalking mares.

Matt: I have to say, though, so far this is the best-developed OC I’ve riffed.  He’s got a fairly logical name, talent, cutie mark—sorta—and even a mental disorder or two.

Twilight: Truly a character for the ages.

I stayed in cloudsdale to do so, while most of the other ponies left.

Matt: Ah, capitalization, our old nemesis.  This is the hazard of blindly following your Word spellcheck, like complaining about your car being in the lake because your GPS told you to turn left in the middle of a bridge.

I always hoped that I would see Rainbow Dash again, and one day I got an unexpected opportunity.

Pinkie: And by “unexpected,” I mean I was hiding in the bushes outside her house with a camera.

Twilight: Bushes?  On a cloud?

Pinkie: It’s how you have to do these things.  He probably brought one with him to hide in.

I was relaxing on my day off of work when I hear a commotion going on in the distance.

Matt: It’s Black Bart, he’s come back to town!  Call the sheriff!

As I look to see what it is, I see a particularly angry griffon,

Twilight: So... the griffon wasn’t the source of the commotion then?

one that I’m not truly fond of, Gilda.

Matt: Because no other griffons exist.  Ever.

Pinkie: She really is easy to hate, isn’t she?

Matt: She’s a walking strawman, which sorta drives me nuts.

Gilda is one of the meanest griffons I know, well I only know few griffons, but she is definitely the meanest. But she’s always getting other ponies fired up; it’s quite odd to see it the other way around. I decided to go investigate; maybe I could get a good laugh out of her anger.

Twilight: How noble of you.

I flew over to her and said, “Well, well, well if it isn’t the infamous Gilda.”

Matt: Infamous.  You really shouldn’t have circulated all those posters of her, Pinkie.

Pinkie: Hey, she made Fluttershy cry.  She’s lucky everypony let her live!

Matt: …I see that I’m not the first human you’ve met, then.

“Beat it dweeb,” she snapped, “I’m not in the mood!”

Matt: PMS is a bitch.

Twilight: To be fair, so is Gilda.

Matt: Touché.

“Whoa there griffon, what’s got your feathers in a bunch?” I replied

“I said beat it, now!” she replied angrily.

“I guess you don’t want any more help with your techniques. It’s a shame; I used to love seeing you perform my blueprints for great aerial techniques.” I scoffed.

Pinkie: Dude, this pony is something else.  I don’t like Gilda, but tormenting her for your own amusement is pretty low.

She growled, “Fine! It’s seems that Rainbow Dash has turned into a major Flip flop.

Matt: Rainbow Dash is a major fashion statement.

Pinkie: Rainbow Dash always wears in style!

Twilight: But ponies can’t wear her, because none of us have toes.

That pony Pinkie pie made her so lame!

Pinkie: Ah, it’s tough being the ex.

Matt: She took the break up hard, poor thing.

She used to be so cool, but now she’s just a dweeb like you.”

Twilight: She just calls him a dweeb for no reason?

Matt: Well, to be fair, he does have a calculator for a cutie mark.

Twilight: And what’s that supposed to mean?!

Matt: *pats Twilight on the shoulder* Shhhh...  Hush and enjoy the pain.

“So you met her recently?” I asked.

“Yea, I regret it.” She replied.

“Where is she now?” I asked

“Why do you care?” she replied with suspicion.

Matt: Asked, replied, asked, replied.  Somepony get this guy a thesaurus.  Even bad synonyms are entertaining to read.

I got closer to her and yelled, “Because I do! Now tell me, Where is she!?!”

Pinkie: I’m sorry, did Batpony just enter the fic?

Matt: That, or Jack Bauer has made the crossover between dimensions!

She pushed me away, “calm yourself, she’s in that lame town called ponyville.”

Twilight: The writer seems to be having problems with his keyboard.  Every so often his shift key breaks.

Matt: I think I already riffed the story that took all the capital letters this guy lost...

I backed a little and said, “Thank you.”

Pinkie: “And Gilda ripped my face off and ate it.”

Matt: Seriously, it’s one thing when you’re surrounded by ponies, but one on one?  I’d bet Gilda could do some seriously horrific things to this guy.

And I flew off. I knew exactly where ponyville is,

Matt: *whispers in Twilight and Pinkie’s ears*

Twilight: What, seriously?  Why?

Matt: It’s sort of a thing here.

Twilight: *shrug*

All: HOW DID I USING TENSE?!

I’ve cleared some of the clouds there before.

I didn’t know how I’d find her when I got there, but I had to take the chance.

Pinkie: Ah yes, the bustling metropolis that is Ponyville.

Matt: How could anypony possibly know how to find one of the six most famous ponies in the world in a small community like that?

Twilight: I’m just glad nopony’s tried to set up tours of our homes yet.

I flew as fast I could; I was always a pretty fast flyer.

Matt: Race coming?

Twilight: Race coming.

I was nothing special, just slightly above the class average. As I raced towards ponyville, I started to get this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Matt: Incontinence can strike without warning.  Ask your doctor about Zalfar.

I was nervous, I haven’t been nervous about something since the last time I saw her.

Twilight: It’s better than “I haven’t been nervous since the last time I was,” but it’s still a pretty close second.

As I got closer, the feeling got more intense.

Matt: I’ll cry laughing if he throws up on Rainbow.

Pinkie: You remember the first time you met her, right?

Matt: Of course!  Yeah, I was nervous and a bit awestruck, but I wasn’t an emotional wreck.

Twilight: But you weren’t stalking her, either.

Matt: Yeah, thanks to the show, I had an actual excuse for knowing so much about her.

And before I knew it, I was there. As I landed, I heard a loud gasp. A pink pony started running towards my directions. She had a very curly mane and tail, and she seemed very excited.

Matt: Blind story insert!  If we were drinking, we’d be emptying our glasses on that one.

Pinkie: *produces a large mug of cider from nowhere and promptly drains it down*

Matt: *blinks* Please teach me how to do that.

When she finally got to me she took a deep breath and began ramble on,

Twilight: >begin rambleon.exe /a

Matt: How the hell did you just pronounce that?

Twilight: It’s a talent.

“You must be new here, because I don’t know you, and I know every pony in ponyville, and since I don’t know you that must mean you’re new! Ooh tell me, tell me, tell me what’s your name?”

“Uh, well, uh my name’s Aero.” I replied, “What’s your name?”

“My name’s Pinkie Pie,” she answered, “Well actually my name is Pinkamena Dianne Pie, but all my friends call me Pinkie Pie, and since you’re my new friend, you can call me Pinkie too!” she gave a great big smile.

Matt: It’s a step above a single run-on sentence, but only just.  Also, thank you so much for not greeting me like that, Pinkie.

Pinkie: No problem.  You looked a bit dimension-sick when I found you anyway.  Not a great time for surprises.

“Well,” I said “it’s nice to meet you. Can you tell me where I can find…”

Matt: “A newt?”

Twilight: “A wrench?”

Pinkie: “A rational character motivation?”

She cut me off before I could finish my statement, “I’m going to through you the most super-duper looper party you’ve ever seen and I’m gonna invite every pony. I don’t have much time, I gotta get started!”

Twilight: How do you afford all the parties, Pinkie?

Pinkie: I could tell ya, but then I’d have to kill ya!

Matt and Twilight: o_o

Pinkie: *giggles*

And before I knew it, she was gone. Well, if she was going to invite everypony, then I won’t have to worry about finding rainbow dash.

Matt: Did—did he just use logic?

Twilight: It was super effective!

Matt: You have Pokemon?

Twilight: I like strategy games.

I just needed to find a way to occupy my time until then.

Pinkie: “99 buckets of oats on the wall!”

I decided to go look around town for a little bit. My exploration of ponyville proved that it has a wide variety of different types of stores and ponies.

Twilight: One could almost confuse it for a town or something.

Matt: Actually, I have been to places on Earth that only have one type of store.  It’s boring as hell, unless you’re REALLY into antiques.

While looking around, I accidentally bumped into somepony spilling all of her apples she was carrying.

Matt: He has the most aggressive “looking around” I’ve ever seen.

Pinkie: “Out of my way, freshman!”

She was an orange pony with a blonde mane and tail; she was also wearing a hat.

Matt: Yes, describe the character we’re all plainly familiar with!

Twilight: Better than some stock descriptions, though.

Pinkie: At least it isn’t an entire paragraph unto itself.

“Oh geez, I’m so sorry. Here, let me help you pick theses apples up”

She got up and smiled at me, “oh it’s ok partner, mighty thanks for yer help. And next time, just try to watch where yer going, ok?

Twilight: Missing quote marks, capitals absent, commas wherever—was this edited with a hedge trimmer?

I laughed a little, “can do.”

Pinkie: “Maybe.  As long as you’re not between me and my obsessi—I mean, crush.”

After we finished picking up the Apples

Matt: Macbooks.  Macbooks everywhere.

Twilight: Either that, or he ran over a lot of her family members.

I said to her “I’m sorry again for running into you like that. My name is Aero, and I hope we can still be friends.”

“Of course we can sugar cube!” she exclaimed “My name Is Applejack, pleased to make your acquaintance. If you ever need anything, just come on over to sweet apple acres, I’ll be glad to help ya.”

Twilight: Proper nouns just don’t get the respect they deserve anymore.

Pinkie: Even punctuation has been hit by the financial crisis.

Matt: What financial crisis?

Pinkie: The Earth one.  It’s just funny to say.

“Actually,” I said “Do you know of a pony named Rainbow Dash?”

“Do I?” she said “why, she’s one of my best friends. Whatcha need with her?”

Matt: That’s a loaded question.

“I need to find her and talk to her.” I said, “Do you know where I can find her?”

Pinkie: “Well, she’s a bit hard to find since some pegasus she went to flight school with was caught on her porch with a bottle of chloroform...”

She giggled a little “well shucks, that pony is always on the move, looking for her is like looking for a needle in a hay stack. Don’t worry though, Pinkie Pie always throws parties for new ponies in town, and everypony will be there. I’m sure you can find her there.”

Matt: Is Applejack prescient or something?

Twilight: Maybe she just has a good sense of pattern recognition.

Pinkie: Yeah, it’s not like me throwing new ponies a party is an uncommon occurrence or anything.

She started walking “I gotta go now, lotta work to be done down on the farm. Like I said, if ya ever need anything just come by I’ll be there.”

Matt: “Chained to an apple tree, where most fanfic writers leave me.”

Pinkie: *whips out a sign emblazoned with “#FreeApplejack2014” and holds it up*

I shouted out to her “Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind! It was nice meeting you!” and then I went off into the other direction. I was glad to have just made a friend, somepony I knew I could count on if I ever needed it.

Twilight: Well that’s a bit of a stretch.  You only just met her, after all.

Matt: Then again, he’s not entirely stable.

I had a few hours to kill, considering that pinkie is preparing my party. She’s quite a weird one.

Matt: Anyway, let’s continue the parade of main characters, shall we?

Twilight: The Cutie Mark Crusaders had an easier time finding Rainbow Dash than this stallion is having.

As I was in my trance like state, my thoughts were interrupted by a purple unicorn. “Why hello new pony, Pinkie told me I could find you somewhere around here. My name is Twilight Sparkle, what’s your name?”

Pinkie: “Ah, she’s in my head!  Get out!”

Matt: He went into a trance and saw Twilight, Princess of Zen.

“My name is Aero, it’s nice to meet you” I replied.

“Well,” she said “I was sent to occupy you and escort you to the party when Pinkie is done the preparations.

Twilight: I think my time is a bit more valuable than that, thank you very much!

It seems like you’ve already given yourself the grand tour of ponyville, let’s head back to my house.”

Matt: “Well this is sudden, but okay!”

*Pinkie and Twilight cuff Matt on the back of the head*

She started walking, and I followed closely behind her.

Matt: Bow chicka bo—

*Pinkie and Twilight rare back again as Matt ducks and covers his head*

Matt: No hit!  Jeez, I want to riff with a stallion.  Mares are painful...

She brought me to a library made out of a tree.

Twilight: It’s a tree made into a library.  Subtle but important distinction.  A tree is MUCH harder to make.

When we entered, I saw an extremely wide array of books. Anything I could be possibly searching for would be here, granted of course that you could find it amongst all the books.

Matt: The sum total of all Equestrian knowledge in Twilight’s house?

Pinkie: Yeah, turns out you can really cram all those books in on those four shelves or so.

“Welcome to my home!” she exclaimed.

“It’s… big!” I said.

Matt: It’s bigger on the inside?

Pinkie: They all say that...

“How many books do you have here?”

“Thousands!”  She replied,

Twilight: “They’re all just very, very small, which is why they don’t take up all the available floor space!”

“I love reading them, and studying up as much as possible. While we are here, tell me about yourself. What brings you to ponyville?”

Matt: “Me?  Oh, I plan to kidnap and marry Rainbow Dash.  Do you know where I can find her?”

When she asked me that question, it seemed to echo within my mind.

Pinkie: With all that empty space in there, no wonder.

Matt: Ooh, burn, dude.

Why was I here?

Twilight: Like, the “birds and bees” kind of why, or just a deeper, more philosophical kind of why?

Pinkie: Why are any of us here, really?

Matt: Why am I here riffing this story?

Why did I choose to get up and just leave?

Pinkie: The plot demanded it?

Even if I find her here, will she want to give me a chance? All these questions filled my head, but they evaporated into an abyss as a greater thought entered my mind.

Matt: “I just sat in something wet!”

“A chance.” I said. She looked at me in confusion, so I began to explain. “I need a chance, with Rainbow Dash. Ever since the first time I saw her, I’ve been drawn to her like a magnet.

Twilight: “That’s why it’s taken me ten-plus years to do anything about it.”

She’s everything I’ve ever wanted, her beauty intimidated me.

Matt: He is stalking her!  Nobody thinks about attractiveness at flight school age, so this must be pretty recent stuff.

I wanted to talk to her, I wanted to spend time with her, I wanted to kiss her, but I was so fearful of what she would say that I never even tried.

Twilight: She would say, “Jeez, maybe ask first before trying to kiss me?  Creep.”

I need this chance to redeem myself,

Matt: What redeem?  What did he do before?

I made it my goal. After years of waiting, after many nights wondering, I will make her mine. I can do this, I just need the chance.”

Her eyes grew wide and she said,

Pinkie: “I’m calling the cops!”

Twilight: “That’s the creepiest thing I’ve ever heard!”

Matt: “I’m pony Chris Hanson, why don’t you take a seat over there?”

“Well isn’t that cute. Don’t worry; I’ll give you as much help as possible.

Twilight: Or, you know, that.

Rainbow Dash may take a little bit of convincing, but I’m sure you can do it. You seem like you have enough determination to do it!”

Pinkie: Logic and reason are no match for the power of wishful thinking!

For the next few hours we talked, played a few board games with Spike,

Matt: Spike made the worst Monopoly piece ever.  He covered, like, half the board.

and as the dusk started to come, we prepared for the party. As we were about to leave for the party, we heard a knock at the door. Twilight went to go answer the door and on the other side was a white unicorn with a purple mane and tail.

Pinkie: I was just about to ask what the author had against Rarity and Fluttershy to leave them out of the Mane6 parade.

She was carrying a black suit.

Matt: This is what we’re gonna bury you in after Dash kills you!

“It’s good to see you twilight.” She said as she walking into the room.

“You too Rarity!” she replied “what’s the suit for?”

Pinkie: “And why is there a bullseye painted on the back?”

“Well Pinkie told me that there was a new Pegasus pony in town and she was throwing a party for him. She told me I could find him with you, so I decided to make him a little ‘welcome to ponyville’ present for him.”

Twilight: Um, what?

She turned to me “It would look much better if I had your exact measurements darling, but I simply did not have enough time. I hope you enjoy it.”

She handed me the suit, “it looks fantastic, I’ll go upstairs and try it on!” I started to walk up the stairs.

Matt: Because he’s ashamed about... dressing... in front of them?

Pinkie: And why is he going to be the only pony at the party who’s dressed?

“Ok darling,” called Rarity, “take your time, just remember we have a party to go to so hurry up!”

Well that’s a contradiction, but hey I got a free suit so I can’t complain. I went to twilight’s room and began to change.

Twilight: Hopefully into somepony who isn’t a creeper!  Get out of my bedroom!

When I was finished changing I noticed that twilight had a picture on her dresser. It was a picture of all her friends, but what really caught my eye was Rainbow Dash.

Matt: “Hmm... I’ll have to eliminate her and these others so they can’t have Dash.”

She still looked as beautiful as I remember.

Twilight: From when you were eight?!

“It begins.” I said to myself.  I proceeded to walk downstairs.

Matt: He tripped and fell, breaking his neck.  The end.

“You look fabulous sweetheart!” she yelled to me.

Pinkie: Who has Rarity ever called “sweetheart”?

Matt: It’s because Aero exudes a pheremone.  It’s called “I’m the writer’s self-insert, so everything goes right for me.”

Twilight: *snorts derisively*  I guess we should be thankful that he isn’t actually going to get to do anything too perverse with Dash in this fic.

Matt: Yeah, I’d prefer to not see that.  I’m a male, not a letch.

Pinkie: Let's all give thanks to the "Teen" rating.  Amen.

“Thank you.” I replied, “Well, I suppose we should leave. Don’t want to be late for the party now do we?”

Pinkie: It’s his party; late is relative.

“Well, let’s get moving then.” Said twilight, “The party is being held at Mr. and Mrs. Cake’s bakery, so it won’t take anytime at all to get there.”

We started to walk to the bakery. As we we’re walking there, I explained my situation to Rarity.

Matt: Past tense, future perfect, present active—throw ‘em all in!

“Well rainbow dash is not the most elegant pony I’ve ever seen,” she said.

Twilight: What, he couldn’t even bother to capitalize her first name anymore?

Matt: The badfic writer has no time for editing!

Twilight: If we weren’t being forced to read this...

Matt: I know, you get used to it.

Twilight gave her a face of disappointment. “But um, well, she can be a very good friend. And you two would make a cute couple.”

Pinkie: “I know this despite the fact that literally the only thing I know about you is that you’ve got a stalker-crush on Rainbow Dash.”

Matt: Apparently that’s “cute” in this world instead of “jail-worthy.”

Almost as soon as we had left, we were there. Twilight was joking about it not taking any time at all.

Matt: You can almost see the smoke pouring out of the author’s ears at the idea of having to come up with more ways to kill time with nothing happening.

As we walked in, I saw all the ponies of Ponyville.

Matt: In one room.

Twilight: They were stacked five deep.

Pinkie: Most of the ponies on the bottom were dead or injured, but nopony could get to them.

Matt: It was pure chaos.  Nopony could move, so nopony could get free.

Twilight: In less than a week, the combination of starvation and disease from the rotting carcasses below had taken its toll.

Pinkie: Ponyville was a ghost town, left to the ravages of time.

Matt: And without the Elements of Harmony, Discord succeeds in his coup of Equestria, and death and chaos spread across the land.  Again.

Twilight: All because Pinkie couldn’t stop inviting ponies to a party!

Matt: Equestria is GONE, Pinkie!

Pinkie: *cries huge overwrought tears* I’m sorry!  I’ll fix the world, I promise!

Matt: There, there.

Pinkie Pie had truly invited everypony here.

Matt: That was implied by them all being there, yes.

Pinkie: Maybe some were gate crashers.

There was confetti everywhere, tons of balloons, and more sweets and pastries than a pony with a sweet tooth could dream for.

Matt: Again, how do you pay for all—

Pinkie: You really gonna ask me that?

Matt: *sinks down* I’ll be good...

Pinkie Pie burst out of the crowed

All: COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO!

and yelled “hey everypony, this is the new pony in town I was telling you all about!”

Matt: “Oh yeah, the guy who we know nothing about other than he’s new!”

Suddenly the attention in the room shifted towards me. I began to greet everypony in the room and make small talk with them, glancing around for any sign of Rainbow Dash. One by one, I met everypony in town but there was still no sign of her. I was ready to give up, when I heard the door fly open.

Pinkie: The pizzas arrived!

She walked in, looking very seraphic. She was the epitome of beauty and precision.

Twilight: Woah... two vocabulary words in a row!

Matt: Let’s give this guy a hand for discovering thesaurus.com!

She was Rainbow Dash. She was my love. This was it. This was my chance.

Pinkie: “Hey, does this rag smell like ether to you?”

“Sorry I’m late everypony,” she said entering the room “I was practicing a new trick and I kinda lost track of time.

Matt: Convenient excuse is... generic?  Dammit, that almost worked.

So who’s the new pony in town?’

“It’s me Rainbow.” I said to her

.

Twilight: Hello, random period.  Glad you could make it to the story.

She turned around and exclaimed. “Aero? It’s been so long! How have you been? What brings you to ponyville?”

Pinkie: She can recognize somepony she hasn’t seen since she was about eight years old?

Matt: That’s fanfiction for ya.

I took a deep breath and said “Well I came to see you, and I’m great now that I’ve finally found you.”

She blushed a little “you came all the way from cloudsdale just to see me?”

Matt: Blushing like a schoolfilly.  What a load of horseapples.

Pinkie: Heh.  Jealous much?

Matt: What—I, no!  Of course not!

Twilight: *grinning* Uh huh...

Matt: I like Rainbow just the way she is, thank you!

“It's a little more than that.” I replied.

Twilight: Rainbow slowly reaches into her saddlebag for her mace...

“When we were in flight school I thought you were the most beautiful pony I had ever seen. You were the best at flying, you did it so gracefully. You were so confident, and you had reason to be.

Matt: “Your unruly mane and tomcoltish attitude, the way you crashed all the time, the way you constantly felt the need to prove yourself to bullies to—wait a second...  Did I hit my head or something?”

Ever since the first time I met you, I’ve wanted to ask you out.

Pinkie: Again, because young foals know what that is.

I tried to must up the courage, but I never could in time. I’ve waited all this time, for this moment. There’s no backing out now. Rainbow Dash, would you like to go on a date with me?” before I could even hear her answer, I felt a sensation of relief.

All: EWWWWWWW!

I was glad to have that off of my chest.

Matt: Yeah, now it was all over Rainbow’s hooves!

Her face began to blush bright crimson red. “That’s very nice of you to say Aero, I…”

Twilight: “Who are you, again?  I don’t remember you from flight school at all.”

But her sentence was cut short but the door flying open again.

Pinkie: Finally, the pizzas!

This time, we were graced with a face that I none of us were too fond of.

Twilight: “I none of us.”  *shakes her head*

It appears Gilda paid us a visit.

Matt: Tense, man, tense!  GET IT FREAKING STRAIGHT.

Pinkie: What, did she TP the place and leave?

“I thought I’d find you here dweeb, trying to brown nose rainbow dash huh?”

Pinkie: Sheesh, now who’s got the stalker-crush on Rainbow?

Matt: Dueling stalkers!

“Gilda!?!” exclaimed Rainbow Dash “what are you doing here? I thought ponyville was too ‘lame’ for you”

Matt: “I mean, I broke up with you hours ago!”

“I’m not here for you Flip Flop,” she snarled,

Twilight: Your trendy fashion is for hipsters and beach bums!

“I’m here for him” and she pointed towards me.

Matt: This is gonna be the most hateful threesome in history.

“I need to start practicing if I want to be called the best flyer in Equestria and knock you outta the sky. And I need him to help me do, so come on dweeb!”

Twilight: What.

Pinkie: What.

Matt: ...da fuq?

I stood up as tall as I could and yelled “No!”

Matt: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Pinkie: Search your feelings, colt, you know it to be true!

She looked surprised. “What did you just say to me?”

Twilight: Do ponies often respond to this sort of approach from her?

Matt: Maybe Gilda runs a BDSM club in her spare time and she’s just used to it by now.

With confidence in my voice I replied “I said no! You don’t own me;

Pinkie: “Nopony owns me, and believe me, I’ve tried to sell myself to them!”

you don’t get to tell what to do and when to do it.”

Twilight: “Only how, who, and occasionally why!”

“Please,” she scoffed “I’m stronger than you, faster than you, and better than you. You’d be nothing without me!”

Matt: Wow.  The hate-sex must be magical.

“Prove it.” I said.

Looking surprised again she replied. “Challenge accepted.

Matt: Meme drink!

Twilight: We’re still not drinking, though.

Pinkie: *produces another mug of cider and chugs it down*

Matt: I hate you so much right now.

Follow me” and she began walking outside. I followed right behind her. She pointed to a cloud towards the center of the town. “First one to that cloud and back wins. That’ll prove who the best is.”

Matt: Gilda, playing the part of the 50s greaser in this fic.

Pinkie: And Rainbow as the blond, vapid schoolgirl they’re fighting over.

Twilight: Is this really what’s going to pass as the conflict in this story?

Matt: What, you expected something more?

Twilight: Yes!

I smiled to her “deal”. I was insanely nervous though. I was hoping that by some miracle I would beat Gilda and impress Rainbow Dash. Stranger things have happened I suppose, I needed to give it a shot.

Spike came between us

Matt: I—

Twilight: Don’t you even make that remark.

Matt: …I wasn’t going to make a sex joke, honest!

Twilight: Commenting on how you won’t say it still counts!

Matt: Dammit.

and started to shout “Racers take your marks,” we spread our wings. “Get set,” we got into position. This is it, the second before the start is always the longest. I could feel the all the thoughts racing through my mind. A bead of sweat started to drip down my face. And then it came. “Go!” And we went.

Pinkie: Ha!  Oh, the bad pun doesn’t make up for the storytelling, but that's pretty funny.

Matt: Unintentionally, of course.

Pinkie: That's the best kind.

Gilda was slightly ahead of me. I could try to go a fast,

Matt: It’s like Mario and Sonic had a baby.  “Gotta go-a fast!”

but I would burn too much energy.

Twilight: Ponyville’s not that large.  This is a sprint, not a freaking distance race.

I’d have to wait until the last stretch of the race to give it my all.

Pinkie: Seriously, it’s like, a tenth of a mile at best from Sugarcube Corner to the center of town.

Gilda hit the cloud first, then so did I.

Matt: Well that would stand to reason, seeing as how she’s in front.

As I turned around I started to flap my wings as hard as I could.

Matt: The equivalent of a football announcer yelling “He’s running really fast and a guy knocks him down!”

Gilda seemed a bit surprised to see her and I tied for first.

Twilight: Ah, but you were also tied for last, smart guy.

Pinkie: Buuuuurn.

She and I were neck and neck; we were rapidly getting close to the finish line. And then we crossed. I had lost. Gilda had won, she beat me. I hung my head in shame.

Matt: As you should.

“I told you dweeb,” Gilda said panting “I’m the best. Now come on we’re leaving”

Pinkie: So, what, now Gilda owns him?

Matt: Were they racing for pink slips or something?

“No!” someone from the crowd shouted. “He’s not going anywhere.”

Pinkie: “I still have the lease on him until October!”

Out from the crowd walked Rainbow Dash. “It doesn’t matter if he won or loss, he’s still a better friend than you! He staying here in ponyville, you can’t make him leave.”

Twilight: Well, apparently Aero just gave Gilda the title to himself, so I guess she can.

“Keep him then!” yelled Gilda Angrily

Matt: I always wondered if Gilda had a last name.

Pinkie: It suits her, weirdly enough.

“I don’t need him. I’ve proven I’m the best, he’s old news.”

Twilight: Sour grapes much?

She turned to me “you should have come with me dweeb, I could have made you famous.”

Matt: Ponies would have paid good money to see the world’s most whipped stallion.

Pinkie: Her dreams of the sideshow lifestyle were over before they began.

She glanced at Rainbow Dash one last time, before flying away.

I turned away from the group in shame. I didn’t win; I couldn’t even properly impress the girl of my dreams. Rainbow Dash came over to me.

Matt: Walked, strolled, strode, galloped, paced, moved, fluttered, flew, bounced, trotted—ALL of these are words that would have worked in these places, but he keeps going with “came.”

Twilight: And "came" is just wrong, technically.  It's just so... passive.

“What’s the matter?” she said “I just stood up to Gilda for you, so why are you so gloom?”

Twilight: If you didn’t want him to be Gloom, you should have pressed ‘B’ when he started evolving!

Matt: Another Pokemon reference.  I’m impressed, Twi.

“I lost.” I replied “I wanted to win to try and Impress you. I failed you, I’m sorry.”

Twilight: There couldn’t possibly be another way to win a mare!  I’ll just go home now.

She laughed, put her hoof on my face, raised it up, and kissed me. I was surprised,

Matt: Yeah, we are, too.

I wasn’t expecting this. I could feel her tongue in my mouth messaging mine.

Pinkie: Her tongue was all, like, “Hay dood.  A/S/L?”

My reaction was to message her tongue back.

Matt: My tongue was all, like, “do U want 2 cybr?”

She pulled away a little and said

Pinkie: “Kthxbai.”

“I like a guy with confidence. You don’t need to impress me; you just need to be confident.”

Matt: Well, if it were just that easy...

Twilight: *grins sideways at Matt*

And she began to kiss me again, this time more aggressively. I could feel this warm feeling in my heart.

Twilight: That’s called an arrhythmia.

Pinkie: He died and everypony went back to their lives, just remembering that one time that Rainbow was kind enough to make a dying pony happy with a kiss.

Matt: Not even creepy at all.  Nope.

I knew she was that special pony for me.

Pinkie: Because that’s something new.  He’s apparently known that since before he knew there was a difference between colts and fillies.

She pulled away again and said, “come on, there’s a lot of party left for everypony to enjoy. Do you have a place to stay?”

I replied “actually I don’t”

“Well you do know,” she exclaimed “you’re staying at my place. Hope you don’t mind, I’m a bit forward.”

Matt: *grumpily* No shit, you are.

Pinkie: Um... I’m sensing something here.

Twilight: Pinkie Sense?

Pinkie: Nope, just good ol’ intuition.  Anything to admit, Matt?

Matt: No, of course not!  I mean, Dash and I are friends, and I just get mad when stories treat her like this.  Ponies around here aren't sluts, much less Rainbow Dash!

I giggled “ok, but you have to go on a date with me this weekend.”

Pinkie: Because living with her wasn’t respectable enough for you?

She gave a big smile “there’s the confidence I like, you got yourself a deal.” And then we walked back into the party.

I may have lost the race, but I have won the prize.

Matt: The American educational system in one sentence!

All of my hard work has paid off;

Twilight: What hard work?  You sat around doing nothing but idolizing her for ten years and then got in one race, which you lost.

Pinkie: Conflict?  Character growth?  Pathos?  What’re those?

I finally have the pony of my dreams.

Pinkie: This would be better if it were a dream.

After a long night of partying, we went back to Rainbow Dash’s house. Needless to say we explored other pleasures of the flesh.

Matt: If it was needless to say, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE SAID IT!

Twilight: Caaaalm down, Matt.  It’s not actually Rainbow Dash.

Matt: *mutters* So much hate...

I awoke the next day at dawn, noticing my Beautiful rainbow lying asleep next to me. She is everything I could ask for. She is my prize, she is my love. I may have lost that race, but I won the prize: Love.

Twilight: He already said that.

Pinkie: It’s skipping like a broken record!

Matt: Let’s get out of here before anything else starts to repeat!

Luna laughed as the fic faded to black and was replaced by her webcam image.  "Well done!  And thanks to you, Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle, for not abandoning Matt to this fic alone."

Pinkie giggled.  "That was awesome!  That story totally deserved it anyway."

Even Twilight was grinning happily after the experience.  "I wasn’t really sure what to expect at first, but it was very easy to get into!  I might have to do this again sometime—to establish experimental controls, I mean."

"Uh huh," I taunted, tousling her mane in a brotherly sort of way.  "It’s perfectly fine to admit that you just had fun being sarcastic for a while, Twi."

She huffed her mane out of her face and straightened it with a few telekinetic tugs, trying not to laugh.  "Okay, okay, I admit it.  It was fun."

On the screen, Luna nodded in agreement.  "I thought so as well, Twilight, when I assisted Matt on a prior tale."

Pinkie perked up.  "Wait, you did a riff?"

"Indeed!  ‘Twas good fun!"

Twilight stood, shaking her head in amazement as she floated her saddlebags over to herself with her magic.  "Well, I need to get back to the lab.  If you need a partner again, Matt, just let me know."

Pinkie stretched and bounced towards the door.  "I'm out, too.  Gotta go earn that money for all those parties, after all!" she giggled.

I laughed.  "Thanks you two.  I’ll see you around."

The mares left and I closed the door behind them, returning to slouch on the couch.  All of a sudden, the house was almost deathly silent as Luna and I just stared awkwardly at each other through the TV's viewscreen.

"So..." I began.

"Yes?"

"Got any fives?"

-fin-

[05] A Fear of a Pegasus Named Fluttershy

I was about halfway through building the courtyard wall for my Minecraft castle when Rainbow knocked on my door and walked in.

"Wow, it feels good to be back," she said.  "'Sup, Matt?"

I paused the game and jumped up.  "Dash!  Welcome back!" I said, holding my fist out for a hoofbump.  "I missed you, girl.  Things have been pretty damn dull around here without you."

She bumped my hoof and rolled her shoulders, like she was trying to work out some soreness.  "No, you want boring, try being laid up for a few weeks.  I'm sore just from flying here.  I haven't gotten to stretch my wings in weeks."

I nodded sympathetically.  "Yeah, it sounded like you took quite a hit.  I can't imagine that was fun."

She snorted.  "To put it lightly, yeah.  I've never sat in one place for so long!  It was awful."  Rainbow ruffled her feathers and shook her mane out of her face.  "On a cooler note, though, Princess Luna sent me a present.  She gave me my own laptop like yours!"

"Oh, sweet!  At least you had that to pass the time."

Dash nodded.  "Yeah, I did.  I think I saw just about everything.  I read TV Tropes, watched Lets Play videos, and saw more memes than I ever thought could exist.  Why are there so many cats online?"

I laughed.  "If anyone knew, he would instantly be crowned king of the internet."

Rainbow Dash shook her head and slumped onto the couch, preening her feathers absently.  I was so used to the TV suddenly clicking on that I didn't even jump when it happened now, though I still wasn't prepared for what waited on the screen.

“GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNING, EQUESTRIA!”

Dash and I both just stared blankly at the screen as Luna strutted smugly.

"I... what?" Dash stammered.

"I, uh, she helped me do a riff while you were gone," I explained.  "I showed her the internet, too, and it seems that she's done her own research as well..."

"I have discovered your Earth's Netflix!" Luna crowed with the cheekiest grin I've ever seen.  "So, you two, how about commencing a new story riff?"

I snorted in surprise.  "Wow, movies certainly have helped your Englis—er, Equestrian improve, Luna."  I took my place on the couch opposite Dash.  "I suppose, I haven't gotten into a story in a while.  Whatd'ya say, Dash?  Feel like getting back to work?"

"Absolutely," she replied, a fire in her voice.  "I've been out of the game for too long.  Let's tear this thing apart!"

"You heard the mare, Luna, hit us!"

The Princess flipped the off-screen switch, and that damned yellow light started flashing merrily away.

"WE GOT STORY SIGN!"

Rainbow: Just one?

Matt: It does seem that there’s more than a few to choose from.

Rainbow: I mean, she’s my friend and all, but she has issues.

Matt: Don’t worry about it, it makes her more lovable.

“Come on, Fluttershy. You can do this!” The butter yellow Pegasus sighed as she stared at her reflection.

Matt: Let me put it to you this way: YOU FEEL STRONG!  YOU FEEL GREAT!  YOU!  CAN!  DO!  THIS!

Rainbow: Those self-help tapes really aren’t very effective.

“No I can’t!” She cried.

Rainbow: Well not with that attitude, you can’t.

“Yes, you can!

"No!

"Yes!

"No!

Matt: Sensing some bipolar issues here...

"Yes!” This went on for several minutes, stopping only when Angel hopped in front of the pony holding a watch.

Matt: Because that’s what Asshole Bunny does, at least when he’s not expressly being an asshole.

With a gasp, Fluttershy looked at the time. “Oh, no!” She whispered. “I’m late for my spa date with Rarity!” She took off, flying out the door to town.

Matt: Do Lotus and Aloe charge you extra if you’re late or something?

Rainbow: Nah, Fluttershy’s just too polite to be late.

“Hello, darling,” Rarity purred as her panting friend bust into the spa. “Why are you so late today? I don’t think you have ever been late for one of our spa sessions before.”

Rainbow: She’d tell you, but you’d just end up giving her an insane look.

Matt: There’s a reason you don’t usually tell people that you just spent two hours arguing with your reflection.

“Oh, um, I… Um… I was…” Fluttershy cast around for a reason to excuse her lateness, but to no avail.

Rainbow: “Did I leave the iron on?”

Matt: “I think my bunny is double parked!”

“Um… I’ll tell you later. If that’s OK with you, I mean,” she whispered, hiding behind her mane.

Matt: You can almost see her exploding into an adorable ball of psychoses.

“No problem at all, dear. Now let’s get started, the sauna is all warmed up for us,” the white unicorn said, getting up from where she was sitting by the door.

Matt: I never really got the spa thing.  I mean, I like a good massage as much as anybody, but saunas just seem like sweaty boxes, and mud just feels weird.

Rainbow: I know!  I don’t know why the other girls keep giving me so much grief about it.

Matt: Maybe because you’re so stallion-esque?

Rainbow: *snorts and waves a hoof over her body* Human, please.  You know you want this.

Matt: *chokes from laughing*

Fluttershy nodded and followed her friend. The spa was almost empty; other than the spa ponies, Rarity and Fluttershy were the only two.

Matt: The economic crisis has been hard on everypony.

Rainbow: Aloe had to switch to domestic mud instead of the imported stuff.

Matt: Le shame!

The latter kept looking at the door in hopes another pony would enter. She wanted to have a private talk with Rarity, but it was almost impossible with the spa ponies always catering to them and no other ponies.

Rainbow: I know modesty isn’t really as big of a thing here in Equestria, but having the sauna visible from the front door just seems...

Matt: Cheap?  Tacky?  Gouache?

Rainbow: I like cheap, let’s go with that.

On the outside, Fluttershy looked just as she always did as the two friends went along their usual spa session, but inside a battle was raging.

Rainbow: The casualties were staggering.

Matt: The end of the war was in sight, but the south would rise again!

Rainbow: Miiiiiiight wanna be careful talking about your south rising in a place like a spa.

Matt: Touché.

Tell her! Now!

Matt: “I actually enjoy watching Equestria’s Got Talent.”

Rainbow: Ouch, that was brave.  I wouldn't admit that.

No, I’m too scared!

Do it!

No!

Do it!

NO!

DO IT!!

Matt: “My sister!—*slap*—my daughter!—*slap*—my sister!—*slap*—my daughter!”

“NO!” Fluttershy cried out in an uncharacteristic volume. Instantly, every pony was looking at her.

Matt: Lotus ducked behind the desk to call the ponies in white coats to bring a straitjacket.

 “Oh, um… sorry,” she whispered, almost silently as she ducked behind her mane in terror.

Rainbow: Her mane gets more screen time than she does.

“No what, dear?” Rarity asked, looking at her friend.

“Nothing,” the shy Pegasus whispered.

Matt: Smooth, Flutters.  Not suspicious in the LEAST.

Tell her! Fluttershy demanded herself in her head.

Rainbow: “Lots of ponies still have their foal blanket!  It’s not that weird!”

Matt: “If I don’t tell her about the rash now, it’s just going to be more awkward when we’re in the bath later!”

Now! You’re almost out of time! It was true; the spa session was almost over.

Matt: Once the spa session is over, Fluttershy turns back into a pumpkin!  Or something.  I dunno.

The two mares were sitting in the big hot tub, as they always finished.

Matt: Um... finished?

Rainbow: It’s not that kind of story, for Celestia’s sake.  *huffs*  Males...

I can’t! Fluttershy argued with herself.

And why is that?

Rainbow: “I’m bound by the restraining order from speaking to Rarity while in a tub!”

Because Aloe is standing right. Over. There!

Rainbow: Or that.

OK then how about this, the more assertive part of her compromised. If another pony comes in, then Aloe and the others would go see them, not us, right? Right. So how about if that happens, you tell Rarity.

OK. I think I can do that.

Good. It’s a deal then?

Yes. Fluttershy nodded at the agreement she had made with herself.

Matt: The three-headed knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail approves of this conversation.

She then blushed, realizing that she had just done something strange for the second time that day.

Rainbow: Pinkie does nine strange things before Fluttershy even gets out of bed in the morning.  I think she’ll be okay.

She gave Rarity, who was again staring at her, a sheepish grin.

“Are you feeling OK, Fluttershy?” The unicorn asked, tilting her head to one side.

Matt: “Do we have to have you put down?”

“Oh, yes. Thanks Rarity, but I’m fine. I’m-” Fluttershy broke off with a squeak.

Rainbow: Get the superglue, Fluttershy’s broke again!

The door had just opened and a group of 5 walked in. Aloe looked at the mares in the tub and spoke.

“Will you girls be OK?” she asked.

Matt: Aloe hovers more than your table’s waiter when it’s five minutes after closing time at a restaurant.

“Yes, yes,” said Rarity, waving the Earth Pony off. “We can finish up ourselves. Thank you for a wonderful treatment, you never cease to amaze me.”

Matt: Rarity seems oddly un-disturbed about the lack of the happy ending.

Rainbow: Not that kind of story!

“Not at all,” replied the Earth Pony as she walked off to great her newest costumers.

Rainbow: Aloe’s costume this Nightmare Night was going to be AWESOME.

Matt: I hope so.  She had to fire her costumers after last year’s debacle.

“Now,” Rarity spoke again, turning to her friend. “What was it you were about to say?”

“Well, um. I um,” Fluttershy started. “Well, I. Um.”

“Come on, spit it out,” Rarity said, getting exasperated.

Matt: “No, that was it.  I’ve been practicing my stammers to be even more cute than normal.  How are they?”

“Well, I,” the Pegasus stammered one last time. Then she sighed. “Can you keep a secret?” She asked.

Rainbow: Who, the Gossip Queen?

Matt: Bitter about something, Dash?

Rainbow: Um.  Maybe.

“Well, of course darling!” Rarity cried. “Why, this one time Rainbow Dash told me-"

Rainbow: *frustrated sigh*  How does this fic possibly know about that!

Matt: Um, I’m assuming that’s a coincidence.

“FOREVER!!!!” cried Pinkie Pie, bursting up from under the water. “Ever, ever, ever, ever,” she echoed  as she slipped back under the water, going back to whatever party she had been at only moments ago. Rarity sighed.

Matt: Okay, I love how that doesn’t even rate a reaction from them.  That’s beautiful.  I wish I could give the author credit for such a perfect under-reaction.

Rainbow: I really don't think it was intentional.

Matt: I know, I said I wish.

“OK, so maybe I’m not that great at keeping secrets,” she admitted. “But you can see that I will never be able to tell anypony, what with Pinkie Pie around and all.”

Rainbow: What with and all.

“I guess…” Fluttershy murmured, looking unsure. Then her eyes lit up. “Pinkie Pie Promise,” she demanded.

“Oh, must I dear?”

Matt: You must dear.  Dear until you can’t dear anymore.

The pompous unicorn asked. “I would, you know that. It’s just that it is a tab bit foolish to do something so… odd… in a public place.”

Matt: On earth, we’d be much more concerned with all the public nudity than the oddity.

Rainbow: Yeah, Equestria’s cool that way.

“Yes, you must,” Fluttershy spoke with determination. “You must and you will, if you want to hear what I have to say.”

Rainbow: From passive confusion to determined demanding.

Matt: Fluttershy strikes again.

“Well, you are rather assertive today, aren’t you?”

Matt: Maybe those self-help tapes aren’t as useless as we thought.

Rarity sighed. “Fine. Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye,” she murmured as she did the corresponding actions. “There, will you tell me now?”

“Um, yes,” Fluttershy whispered. “Well, you see… I um. I like somepony and-” Fluttershy was cut off by a large squeal of delight from her friend.

Rainbow: *tsks* Typical Rarity, always thinking things are about her.

Fluttershy ducked behind her mane once more as all eyes turned to the two of them, drawn by the sudden sound. Rarity, however, remained oblivious to the attention.

“Well, this is wonderful!” She exclaimed in full-on gossip mode.

Matt: This is exactly why you don’t tell Rarity these things.  There’s no way in hell she’s gonna not tell everypony in the world.

“What does he look like? How old is he? Do we know him? Is he an Earth Pony? Or another Pegasus? Oh, you like a unicorn, don’t you?! OOO, this is so wonderful! What does he look like?!” Rarity demanded once more before finally giving the cowering Pegasus a chance to respond.

Rainbow: Is it just me, or is the use of the word “he” rather... um, prominent in that paragraph?

Matt: Oh, it’s not just you, and it’s not a good sign.  I think I'm going to hate Luna for this one...

“Well. Um. They’re an Earth Pony. I think you might know them.

Matt: Just how many ponies does she have a crush on?

They have beautiful green eyes and they’reamare,” Fluttershy finished quickly and near-silently.

Rainbow: I’m going to assume she said that “they have nine legs.”

Matt: Sounds good to me.

“I’m sorry, but I did not quite catch that last part. What did you say?”

“I said that the pony I like has beautiful green eyes?” Fluttershy said slowly, hopefully.

“No, no, after that part.”

Matt: “The nine legs part, darling.”

“Oh that. Um, I said that the pony I like is a mare. OK I’m done,” Fluttershy finished from behind her mane.

“Come on, Fluttershy!” Rarity said, clearly tired of the game. “Stop murmuring and speak up!”

Rainbow: “I said she’s a lawyer, okay!  I’m sorry!”

“Oh. OK then. Well, what I wanted to tell you is that… Oh, would you look at the time? Our spa session is over. We better get out now!”

“Oh, dear. It appears you are correct. Well, we better dry off then.”

Matt: Convenient excuse is convenient.

Rainbow: And recurring joke is recurring.  Is this going to be a thing for us?

Matt: If I have my way, it will be.

Fluttershy nodded, hopping out of the hot tub. With speed to rival Rainbow Dash, she dried off and headed for the door.

“Just wait a second, could you darling?” Rarity called from where she stood, drying her own fur.

Rainbow: Ask her to dry your back and gauge her reaction!

Matt: I—huh.  That seems like a fairly sound strategy, actually.

“I believe we were in the middle of a conversation.”

“Well, I do really have to get going,” Fluttershy protested, backing away. She froze at the death glare Rarity was giving her. “… but I guess I could stay a little longer.”

Matt: Oh, Rarity.  Guilting her friends into revealing their most personal details for her amusement and eventual dispersal.

Rainbow: What are friends for?

Rarity smiled. A few minutes later, the two of them were walking to the unicorn’s house. Once there, the white mare invited her friend inside, but the Pegasus refused.

“I’d rather not. I’m sorry,” Fluttershy said.

Matt: There’s that restraining order again.  Damn that thing.

“Well, will you at least tell me what you wanted to,” Rarity protested.

“Fine, I will,” Fluttershy responded. Taking a deep breath, she spoke several things in one go. “TheponyIlikeisRose. YesRosethemare. YesIknowthatsheisstraightbutIlikeheranyway. NowIhavetogoIwillseeyoulaterBYE!” Fluttershy finished loudly as she ran off. She took to the sky after a few moments of running, leaving her shocked friend behind her.

Rainbow: Well, we get the nervousness.  Now the question is, will this story end up being a campy, cliche hug session, or the depressing betrayal fic?

Matt: Even without being able to see the story tags, I’m not optimistic.

Once she was home, Fluttershy fled to her room. “Oh dear, oh Celestia, what have I done?”

Matt: “I never should have left home without switching off the lights!  I’ve wasted so much power!”

She asked herself. “Maybe I should go talk to her. Oh, what if I scared her? Oh what did I do, why did I do that?!” Fluttershy curled up, hugging a pillow sadly.

She decided that later she would go talk to Rarity. Just what she would say could be figured out later. Exhausted by fear and a stress let-down, the Pegasus fell asleep.

Rainbow: Okay, okay, wait a second.

Matt: What’s up?

Rainbow: Equestria has a huge female population.

Matt: How huge?

Rainbow: I think Twilight said it was just under 65% of the population.

Matt: Holy crap.  On Earth it's about 54%, or somewhere around that.

Rainbow: And with that many mares around, one would assume that Fluttershy would know that a same-sex relationship isn’t the most unheard of thing ever.

Matt: Not much of a big deal in Equestria, I’m assuming?

Rainbow: It’s not normal, I’ll admit, but a confession like this really wouldn’t offend that many ponies.  So why is she making such a deal out of it?

Matt: Well, unless I missed my guess earlier, I’m seeing some bad things coming.  The author is just using Flutters as a transparent vessel for his inability to stop from pasting a cheap human conflict onto ponies.

Rainbow: *frustrated sigh*  I’m gonna hate this, aren’t I?

Matt: *pats Rainbow on the shoulder* I will, too, Dash.  I will, too.

*************************************************************************************

Matt: My God, the scene change!  It's full of stars!

Rarity looked at her three friends that had gathered at her boutique. Rainbow Dash was flying in circles above the mares, clearly bored.

Rainbow: That does happen, yes.

Matt: You get bored that quickly?

Rainbow: Twilight insists on calling roll, like, every time we get together.  It gets old in a hurry.

Twilight was sitting patiently on a plush cushion, waiting for Rarity to speak. Pinkie Pie was bouncing up and down, up and down, down and up.

Matt: Gah!  The change there almost broke my head.  Damn my imagination trying to envision what I’m reading...

Rarity peaked out the window,

Rainbow: Twilight immediately began to study why her friend had turned into a mountain.

looking to see if Applejack had finished washing the mud off her hooves yet. Once the orange pony was inside, Rarity called for her friends’ attention. The four of them stopped moving, all except for Pinkie, who never really stops moving.

Rainbow: The first meeting of the Fellowship of the Stereotypes was set to commence!

Matt: More cut-and-paste show inserts?  We should really start a drinking game or something.

The four of them looked at their friend expectantly. After several long moments of silence, Twilight spoke.

Rainbow: How long is a long moment?

Matt: I dunno, but there were several of them, apparently.

Rainbow: It’s like saying something was two “talls” high, or a place is fourteen "fars" away.  There’s no standard for comparison.

“So, what is the urgent news that you called us here to tell us about?” She asked.

“Today Fluttershy told me something I think you should know. Fluttershy told me that she is-”

“Oh, wait a minute!” Pinkie cried suddenly. “Somepony is about to break a Pinkie Promise! I’ll be right back!”

Matt: I never thought of Pinkie as stupid, myself.  A bit of a bubblehead sometimes, but never this dense.

“Pinkie, wait!” Rarity said, but the pink mare had already poofed away.

Rainbow: Because Pinkie Pie.

Matt: *shrugs* Like logic applies to her.

“FOREV-” Pinkie stopped dead, clearly confused to be in the same place. “Wait, what?” She asked. “Rarity, are you about to break a Pinkie Promise? Tsk tsk, that’s twice in one day I had to stop you.”

Matt: “Cooler.  Zwei weeks.”

“Yes, Pinkie. I am about to break a Pinkie Promise, but for a good reason.

Rainbow: “I need to be a nosy, self-absorbed bitch!”

What Fluttershy told me today I really feel you all should know,” Rarity looked at her friends.

“Rarity, I’m not sure this is a good idea,” Twilight said slowly. “I mean, this is one way to ruin a friendship-”

“FOREVER!” Pinkie cried in her usual Pinkie Pie-ish fashion.

Her cry was so loud that none of the mares noticed the soft knock on the door or the quiet voice asking if anypony was there.

Matt: Cue poorly-written disaster in 5... 4... 3...

“Yes, yes. I know this,” Rarity said. “But I truly think that you girls need to know this.”

Rainbow: “For no Luna-damned reason!”

Luna: Hey!  I’m listening right here!

Rainbow: *blushes* Oh... heh.  Sorry, Princess.

Matt: Seriously, though, is Rarity afraid that Flutters will kill them all in their sleep?  What’s the big rush here?

All eyes were glued to the white unicorn so not one of the ponies noticed the door to the fashion boutique open.

“Hello?” Fluttershy asked as she stepped inside. “Anypony here?”

Matt: The shock caused several heart attacks.

She stopped talking as Rarity spoke again.

“I truly think you girls need to know what Fluttershy told me when we were at the spa today.”

“No,” Fluttershy whispered. “But, you Pinkie Promised!” Her voice was still too soft for the others to hear her.

Matt: *sighs* The not being heard thing is really hard to buy.  They’re not at a construction site, they’re in Rarity’s shop.  Just put it in thoughts already if you need her to be unseen so badly.

“Well, spit it out already!” Rainbow said impatiently. “I have tricks to practise.”

“Very well then. Today Fluttershy told me that she likes somepony,” Rarity hesitated, unsure of how to go on.

“Well, Fluttershy likin’ somepony is nothin’ to hoot at. If that’s all you got to tell us, I better get goin’ I got apples to buck,” Applejack said.

Rainbow: A quiet “Well screw you, too, Applejack!” sounds from the doorway.

Matt: That is pretty harsh.  But then again, if Applejack had things like hobbies or emotions, like, ever, it would break the illusion that she’s completely useless except to kick trees.

“That is not all she told me. She told me who she likes.

Matt: “She’s in love with Harry the Bear.”

Rainbow: The scandal!

You know Rose? The florist?” Her friends nodded.

“Yes, but what does that have to do with Fluttershy?” Twilight asked.

Matt: Twilight is rather thick when it’s plot convenient.

“Ah think she means that Fluttershy likes Rose,” Applejack said, honest and blunt as ever.

“WHAT?!” Rainbow cried, dropping to the floor in surprise. Pinkie Pie felt her chin hit the floor as she gasped in shock.

Rainbow: Overreact much?

“Oh. Well then. Is this right, Rarity?” Twilight asked.

“Yes.”

“Like, as in likes-likes?”

“Yes.”

“As in Fluttershy is…?”

Matt: “A stallion in disguise, yes.”

“Yes. Fluttershy is a fillyfooler,” silence followed Rarity’s words for several moments. Then the silence was broken by Rainbow Dash.

“BWahahaha!!! Oh, oh good one, Rarity! I never knew you liked pranks! Hee hee!” Dash looped in the air, trying to work off the laughter.

Matt: “Next you’ll tell me that Applejack does something other than buck apples all day every day!”

“Rainbow Dash!” Rarity shouted. “I assure you, this is no prank.”

“But it has to be! I mean there is no way I am friends with a fillyfooler. No. Way.”

Rainbow: *cringes* Um, I don’t think I like me in this story...

“Well, unless Fluttershy has found an odd sense of humor recently, this is no prank. And judging by the way she was so reluctant to tell me and how quickly she spoke and ran off once she had told me, I’m going to say it is not a prank. I’m just not sure what to do!”

“I’m not sure we need to do anything,” Twilight said. “I mean, is this a bad thing?”

Matt: Oh man, here it comes.  Duck and cover, Dash...

“Is this a bad thing? Is this a bad thing!?” Dash cried out. “No, not at all! This is just one of the worst things that could happen!”

“Eeyup,” Applejack agreed bluntly.

“Why, yes!” Rarity cried dramatically.

“See, this is why nopony liked her in flight school!” Dash shouted. “Everpony said she was a fillyfooler, but I defended her! Gah, I was such a fool! Fillyfoolers are not welcome here. There is no way I am going to be friends with one,” The Pegasus stomped her hooves irritably as even Pinkie Pie nodded agreement.

Rainbow: Sweet.  Harmony.  Why am I such a prick in this story?

Matt: You may notice that it's not just you, either.

Rainbow: Now that you mention it, yes.  Yes I do.

“I’m still not sure why this is a bad thing, although I admit it is a little… unusual. Abnormal. Strange. Offbeat. Queer. Irregular. Un-”

Matt: Wow, someone found the link to thesaurus.com.

“Get to the point already and stop muddlin’ our minds with your fancy talk!” Snapped Applejack.

Rainbow: All those syllables really hurt Applejack’s head.

Matt: At least they do when it’s StupidHick!Applejack.

Rainbow: Renaming characters?

Matt: If I don’t distinguish these pastiches from the real ponies, I’ll kill someone.  Probably myself.

“Weird,” Twilight finished. “I will feel strange around her from now on, I’m sure.”

“Wait, you still plan on hanging out with her?!” Dash cried, indignantly.

“Well, yes. Why wouldn’t I?”

“’Cause fillyfoolin’ is sinful,” Applejack remarked.

Rainbow: Um, Matt?  What does that mean?

Matt: Ooh boy... Ask me again later, we really, really don’t have time to expound on that now.

“And so dirty and wrong!” Added Rarity.

“And just so weird!” Pinkie Pie piped in. “I mean, come on! Think of all the times she has seen us without clothing! How can we know we can trust her?”

Matt: Oh, holy shit.  This is just getting retarded now.  Seen them without clothing?  Is she freaking serious?

Rainbow: Aside from high-society events and a flight suit, I’ve NEVER worn clothing.  And neither has Pinkie, for that matter!

Matt: Okay, so we’ve finally hit the chewy, nougat center of awful.  Wow.

“Oh, I never thought of that,” muttered the purple unicorn. “Oh wow, now this is awkward. I’m not sure what to do anymore.”

Rainbow: Murder.  It’s the only way to be sure.

Matt: Why not?  These characters seem all too eager to think only about themselves.  I'm sure they wouldn't have any problem simply offing Flutters.

“Well I do,” the colourful Pegasus spoke again. “We lose her. Get her out of our lives like AJ bucks rotten apples off her farm. Stop talking to her before word gets out and everypony hates us because we know her. I know that’s what I’m going to do.”

Rainbow: How the heck does anyone think that I could be that much of a prick to my best friend?!

Matt: I know it’s stupid, Rainbow, but it isn’t personal.

Rainbow: No, this is!  This is just insulting!  It’s not like I’m not the freaking Element of Loyalty or anything.  It's not like I grew up with Fluttershy or anything!

Matt: And Applejack might not be afraid to speak her mind, but she’s not the hateful bastard we see here.  Not even close.

“Ah’m with ya there, Dash,” the orange pony said. “No way in hay am Ah bein’ round such a bad crowd, even if it is only one pony.

“Come on you two,” Twilight tried to reason with her friends. “Fluttershy is still our friend, even if she is a bit… different. What about using the Elements?”

Rainbow: Use the Elements of Harmony to CURE HER?!

Matt: Strawman versus strawman combat at its finest, this is.

“Well, Ah still fit mah element. Ah’m just being plan honest with y’all.”

Matt: She’s right.  Just because she’s suddenly been turned into a massive asshole doesn’t mean she’s not being honest.  Holy balls...

“But what about you, Dash?” Twilight turned to her friend. “I thought you were loyal.”

“I am! Just not to a fillyfooler.”

Matt:  *turns to his laptop and parses through a few pages*  Hmmmmm...

Rainbow: What’s that, Matt?

Matt: “loy-al; adjective. 1. faithful to one's sovereign, government, or state: a loyal subject. 2. faithful to one's oath, commitments, or obligations: to be loyal to a vow. 3. faithful to any leader, party, or cause, or to any person or thing conceived as deserving fidelity: a loyal friend. 4. characterized by or showing faithfulness to commitments, vows, allegiance, obligations, etc.: loyal conduct.”  Nope, I don’t see anything about "only when I feel like it" in the definition of “loyal.”

“Girls, I think we should change the subject now,” Rarity interrupted the argument.

“Why is that?” Pinkie asked, tilting her head to one side.

“Because Fluttershy is standing by the door listening to our every word,” the unicorn replied.

Rainbow: Apparently we were so blinded by STUPID that we couldn’t see her in the five minutes she’d been standing there.

All movement stopped, even Pinkie managed to cease bouncing. Then, as one, they all turned to face a tearful Fluttershy.

“Hi Fluttershy!” Pinkie cried happily. “What ‘cha doooing?”

Matt: What.  The.  Fuck.

Rainbow: *facehoofs*

Matt: I know Pinkie is a bit vapid at times, but seriously, what the hell, man?  You practically accused your best friend of wanting to molest you, and you try to giggle it off?

“Do.. do you all really feel like that?” Fluttershy stammered, ignoring the pink pony’s question as tears feel into an ever-growing puddle on the floor. “Do you all really hate me?”

“I will never be friends with a fillyfooler,” Dash said once more. Looking straight into the yellow mare’s eyes, she spoke with a cold sureness. “Never.”

“I’m sorry, but I just do not feel comfortable around you anymore, dar-, er I mean Fluttershy,” Rarity added.

“AJ?” Fluttershy asked painfully. “Pinkie Pie?”

“Eeyup.”

“Yup!” exclaimed the easily excitable pony.

“Twilight?” Fluttershy looked at the only pony she felt might still be a friend. “Twilight, do you hate me?”

“I… No. I do not hate you,” the unicorn said. Fluttershy felt her face light up as hope filled her. “But,” the purple unicorn continued, “I don’t think that we should hang out anymore. Or talk to each other much. At least not for a little while. I’m sorry.”

Matt: I just—I got nothin’, man.  This deserves a Tragedy tag alright, but it’s because of the writer, not the plot.

“No, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I told Rarity and ruined all of our friendships. I’m so sorry. I’m just going to go now. I’m so, so sorry,” Fluttershy murmured as she turned and ran out the door, leaving a river of tears behind her.

“Should one of us go after her?” Twilight asked as she watched her ex-friend flee.

Rainbow: What, now you give a damn?

“Nnope,” Dash said in sync with Applejack. The five ponies stood in awkward silence as they listened to the pony they thought they knew ran away.

*************************************************************************************

"Jeez, I just—what the—h—AAAAGHGGHHH!"  Rainbow screamed and threw a pillow at the wall.

I sighed.  "I know, Rainbow.  It’s bad.  It’s really, really bad.  Frankly, the author should probably be beaten for being this insulting to so many different groups."

With nothing else to focus her anger on, Rainbow rounded on me fiercely.  "Fine," she snapped, "we’ve got a scene break, so tell me.  What the hay does 'sinful' mean?"

I took a very long, very deep breath.  "Yeah, I guess you haven’t learned that one yet.  Okay, here's the deal.  'Sin' is an earth term that’s very incorrectly applied to Equestria in this case.  It’s derived from words that mean 'trespass,' or 'offense,' and the original usage in earth’s religious texts literally means 'to miss the mark or fall short of expectations.'  It’s a picture of someone who knows something is wrong and does it anyway.  On earth, the word is almost exclusively applied to actions of a moral or ethical nature."

Rainbow's head cocked to the side as she processed this information.  "So Applejack is saying that Fluttershy’s attraction to Rose is immoral then?"

"In a nutshell, yeah.  A very disturbed nutshell."

"Why?  What did she do?  Who did she hurt?"

I snorted, my own feelings starting to boil.  "See, that’s the big problem here.  Flutters hasn’t even done anything, they’re judging her based on what she feels."

"So what’s the big deal?"

I had to stall for time.  "This might just be the biggest of hot-button topics on my world, and there's no easy way to sum up the debate while still being fair."  I sat back, thinking quickly.  "There's two sides to the debate, really.  There's a group who, like you, would see it as no big deal, with no one being harmed.  However, there's also a group of humans who believe that there's a divine order to sexual relationships, and that those who go against a strict male-female pairing are doing themselves and society harm."

Dash shut her eyes, trying to understand.  "So a mare who likes another mare is going against a divine order."

"Bingo."

She stomped a hoof in frustration.  "Isn’t that kinda, you know, awful?"

"Oh, it's very easy to say so, but it's not as simple as that."  I sighed.  "It depends how you view the issue and what you do with it.  If you legitimately thought a friend was about to fall off of a cliff and die, you'd try to convince them to come away from that cliff even if everyone else was saying you were intolerant, yeah?"  Rainbow nodded uncertainly.  "Look, there's plenty of people on either side who honestly and deeply believe in their viewpoint, and that's not wrong.  But there are also plenty of people on either side who have used their views to judge others and see them as either intolerant and hateful or immoral and savage.  It's inspired a lot of hate and pain."

Rainbow's jaw dropped slightly.  "...People actually do that?"

"Sometimes, yes, sadly."  I ran a hand through my hair, frustrated at everything around me.  "That’s the kind of person that all these ponies in the story are meant to sound like, but by making things so blatant, so simple, so over-the-top, he’s completely insulted everyone who genuinely holds those beliefs out of love instead of hate, not to mention all those people who have gone through this sort of thing in Fluttershy’s position!"

"You... seem to know a lot about this," Rainbow said quietly, taking a small step closer to me.

I scowled.  "You could say that.  To—well, to be honest, I've been on both sides of this debate.  I've been where Fluttershy is and where her friends are in this story.  It sucks.  It sucks hard.  And there's no easy way to go through it, no matter what you do."

Dash's ears perked forwards.  "Wait, in Fluttershy’s position?  You mean, you..."

I nodded.  "Yeah.  It was a strange time in my life, and it didn’t turn out well."

"This is a lot to take in, dude."

I gave her a sardonic smirk.  "Time to put your personal stance to the test?"

Her frown was sympathetic, if slightly reproving.  "Dude, come on.  You know I still like you no matter what.  And I know you wouldn't ever treat somepony else like these characters are."

"Thanks, Dash," I said, quietly stewing.  "That's just what pisses me off so much.  The worst part is that a good author who actually cared about their characters could still have Applejack be against a same-sex relationship without being a complete ass about it.  I mean, if Applejack really cared about Fluttershy, she’s be talking to her, offering her friendship and advice, not shutting her out like she’s got a disease.  And again, this isn’t like Fluttershy is coming up and telling her friends that she’s been secretly working as a whore or a contract killer for years.  All she’s said is that she has feelings that she really doesn’t understand!  She’s not responsible for that!"

Rainbow stared at me, her eyes wide and worried, but I didn't really notice.

"It’s not that hard to understand!  Feelings happen regardless of what you want; you can’t be held responsible for what you feel.  Thoughts happen instinctively, but you can always choose to stop thinking about something.  It’s what you actually do that matters, and Fluttershy hasn’t done anything!  It’s completely stupid!"

I slumped, huffing, belatedly realizing that I had practically shouted my words at my friend.  "I—I'm sorry, Dash.  I didn't mean to yell..."

She didn't seem upset, though.  “Hey, I get it.  I think I can see why you're so worked up over this.”

“Let’s just finish this piece of shit.”

She nodded, sliding over a little more so she was beside me.  "Alright, dude.  Just lean on me if you need it.  We can get through this fic."

Several weeks later, Twilight was walking around Ponyville.

Matt: As one is wont to do.

She had not seen Fluttershy since the ugly encounter at Rarity’s boutique; nopony had.

Rainbow: Ah, the ever-popular Author’s Saving Throw.  You know that thing I spent all of my time writing about?  The one that I crafted all the characters around?  Yeah, I hate that.  That’s stupid and ugly.

Matt: Doesn’t really carry the weight it’s intended to, does it?

Rainbow: It never does.

Twilight was still not sure that they had made the right choice about what they told Fluttershy. It must have been though, it was the truth. The truth is always best, right?

Matt: How can people conflate truth and opinion so easily?  What IS the truth is that you were an asshole while giving your opinion.

Rainbow: And even if you thought you were speaking from truth, you could still do it without ruining somepony else’s life.  I mean, compassion is an Element, after all.

Twilight sighed, allowing herself to get lost in thought. She wandered through the town for a while, too busy thinking to watch where she was going.

Matt: She left a trail of carnage and broken ponies in her wake.

Rainbow: Dude, she IS awfully self-absorbed in this fic.

She was just wondering if she should go check on the animal-loving Pegasus when she stumbled upon a small lump of fur. Looking down, the unicorn let out a gasp.

Rainbow: “My mittens!”

Huddled at her feet there lay a starving bundle of fun and bones.

Matt: “Fun and bones?”  That has GOT to be the most obtuse metaphor ever.  Of all time.

Rainbow: I never thought of Angel as “fun.”  “Demon-possessed,” maybe, but never “fun.”

Matt: Yeah...  There’s no chance whatsoever that it was just yet another stupid typo.

Rainbow: *shakes her head*  Nope.  Not a one.

“Angel?” Twilight asked. “What happened to Fluttershy?

Rainbow: “Did she divorce you?!”

Matt: And they thought being attracted to Rose was weird!

Oh, never mind that, we have to get you to the vet!” Gently picking up the dying bunny with a haze of magic, Twilight ran off.

A few days later, Angel was well enough to mime what had happened.

Matt: A few days.  A FEW.  DAYS.

Rainbow: Oh, the critter your best friend has devoted her life to is dying, neglected, but that doesn’t mean you should, you know, go check on her or anything.

Twilight, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Applejack and Rainbow Dash all got together at the library. They sat in a circle with the unwell bunny in the middle.

Matt: The fell demon they summoned was pleased with their sacrifice, and in exchange for the rabbit he bound his power to Twilight for a day, that she may cleanse the world with fire.

After a few hours that seemed like days, the ponies managed to piece together what had happened after the talk in the boutique.

Matt: Where’s the Phoenix Wright music when you need it?

Fluttershy had gone home, crying harder than she ever had, even harder than the time Gabby Gums had spread gossip about her in the paper.

Rainbow: After which she didn’t run home crying at all.  I know, I was there.

Matt: And there's no excuse for the author, either.  We did kinda see it happen, after all.  Pinkie cried at the time, not Flutters.

She had opened up all the food she had for all of her animals then kissed Angel gently on the forehead. After that, she had walked out of her hut into the Everfree Forest.

Rainbow: She was in a gown of pure white, and strode slowly and silently.  Choruses of angelic voices sounded in the background.  The animals of the forest all bowed to her as she passed.  For her heart was too pure, too noble to be contained to this wretched world any longer!  Her pain was too vast, her path too hard...

Matt: …

Rainbow: …

Matt: … Wat.

Rainbow: I mean, the author’s gonna do everything he can to make Fluttershy into a martyr, so why not help out?

Matt: Fair point, actually.

Angel had waited for as long as he could. Although it did not look like it, he truly did care for his owner.

Matt: Asshole Bunny only pretended to abuse her at every turn and be a controlling, demanding little spaz from hell.

Finally, he and the other animals had run out of food, yet Fluttershy had still not returned.

Rainbow: This took how long again?

All the other animals left once there was no more food, but the bunny had tried to wait. Eventual, he saw far too hungry to survive, so he had gone to town and that is when Twilight found him.

Matt: That sentence really broke down.  You can almost FEEL the author’s excitement as he approaches the climax, unwilling or unable to break from his progress for even the modicum of seconds it would take to reread his work and realize how crap he was writing.

Once the bunny had finished his tale, the 5 mares sat silently. Finally, Twilight broke the silence.

Rainbow: There was silence, and then there was not silence.

Matt: Show versus Tell: How to NOT do it.

“I think we need to look for her.”

“No,” Dash objected. “Why should we? She is no friend of ours. Why should we risk our necks trying to save her? Besides, she probably just is staying a Zecora’s.”

Matt: And the blanket hatred overtakes the obviously ethnic character, too.  Wow.

Rainbow: I don’t even know if the author is doing it on purpose.  I’m starting to think he’s just really stupid enough to believe this crap.

“Ah don’t think so, Dash,” Applejack shot back. “Why would she leave her bunny behind? Somethin’ musta happened to her.”

Rainbow: Oh, now you care, too?  At least the idiot version of me is consistent. *huffs*

“So?” Dash growled. “What does it matter to us? Even if something happened to her, why should we help her? She lied to us for all those years. She must have known before she told Rarity.”

Rainbow: Oh shut up.  You're awful.

“Dash, stop it,” Twilight said. “She may no longer be our friend, but that does not mean we shouldn’t help her. We need to help everypony that needs help; that is what it means to be an Element of Harmony!”

Matt: WHAT?!

Rainbow: *slams her face into the arm of the couch*

Matt: How the hell does Harmony mean that you’re allowed to HATE people, especially when you CAUSED the problem in the first place?

“But-”

“No buts, Dash,” Twilight cut across. “We leave now. No arguing. Let’s go.”

Matt: Intolerance isn’t limited to ethnics and the alternate sexualities, I see.  At least that’s something.

Rainbow: It is?

Matt: If you’re going to be a spiteful, stubborn prick, you can at least be egalitarian about it.

Unwilling to waste anymore time, Twilight started off, leaving the others no choice but to follow her. As they neared the forest, the temperature dropped noticeably. It was nearing night time; the darkness seemed more cruel than usual.

Rainbow: Maybe it just reacts to the cast’s cruelty?

Even brave Rainbow dash was reluctant to enter.

Rainbow: Scared now?  Is this even supposed to be me?

“Maybe we should wait until morning. You know, when it is light?” The Pegasus suggested as they stood at the edge of the path.

Matt: But if you did that, the inevitable upcoming scene wouldn't be nearly as tragic and poignant.

“No. We need to find her now. How knows what kind of trouble she had gotten herself into by now?” Twilight said.

Rainbow: "I mean, she admitted to being attracted to a mare!  For all we know, she could be out molesting foals by now!"

Matt: *pats Rainbow on the shoulder*  Stay strong, Dash.  Almost home...

“She’s right, y’all,” Applejack spoke up. “Ah don’t like it either, Dash, but we gotta do what we gotta do.”

Matt: This is the most polite lynch mob ever.

Pinkie Pie and Rarity nodded their heads, fear plainly viable in their eyes are the stared into the shadows.

Matt: They know what evil lurks in the hearts of men.  And ponies, I assume.

“Right then, let’s get going,” swallowing her fear, Twilight lead her friends into the darkness. After about an hour of fruitless wandering, Twilight let out an exasperated sigh. “This is taking too long!”

Rainbow: "I was supposed to be picketing a day care by now!"

She shouted into the night. “Dash, you fly ahead, see if you can find any signs. But stay within earshot, OK?”

“Yeah, whatever,” Dash said before flying off.

Rainbow: Mare-Do-Well, this ain't.

Several minutes of wandering later, the four ground searchers hear a shout.

Matt: How did I using tense?

Rainbow: Ah, love those recurring jokes.  They're always useful.

They froze, frightened by the fearful shout they heard from Dash.

“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight shouted. “Can you hear me? Come back!”

“I-I can hear you Twilight. I’m coming back, wait where you are, I’ll find you.”

“OK,” Twilight called back. As the ponies waited, their imaginations took over. Each mare stood lost in her own mind, wondering what Dash had found. They all jumped as the blue Pegasus burst from the trees.

“I found Fluttershy,” Rainbow said softly.

Matt: "It's worse than we thought.  She's... She's a Scientologist..."

Rainbow: What the...?

Matt: Trust me, if you were from Earth, you'd probably be chuckling.

“Is she OK?” Twilight asked, clearly frightened.

“No. She's- no. You- you better come see for yourselves.”

Matt: Is she cold?

Rainbow: Is she hurt?

Matt: Is she beige?

Rainbow: Is she a burrito?

Matt: Is she a clown?

Rainbow: Give us somethin' here!

Without waiting for a response, Rainbow turned and forced her way through the undergrowth.

Matt: Very rude.  She didn't even say "excuse me."

Rainbow: There is no excuse for her.

Exchanging terrified glances, the others followed. Several moments later, they emerged into a clearing. It was beautiful; the moon cast a peaceful glow on the grass. The trees did not seem as frightening as they did outside the clearing and the light illuminated several bushes of bright blue leaves near the center of the clearing.

Rainbow: Oh, Celestia.  I'm gonna be sick.

Matt: Welp, we called it.  It's like Norman Rockwell and Walt Disney had an emo baby and gave it to Tim Burton to raise.

Rainbow: How over-the-top can you get?!

None of the ponies noticed the beauty of the glade; all of them stared at the one thing that seemed to suck any magic from the area.

Rainbow: The new Magi-Suck 3000!

Matt: Cleans up tough mana spills with ease.

In the middle of the grass lay Fluttershy. She had several dried berries in her hooves and dried juice crusted on her lips. It was clear that she had eaten the berries.

Matt: It was true; the snozberries DID taste like snozberries.

She lay without moving, although weeds had sprung up around and on her.

Rainbow: Jeez, now even plants?  Fluttershy is out of control!

Matt: Sensing a liiiittle sarcasm there.

The long tendrils of the plants had crept up onto Fluttershy over the weeks she had lain without moving.

“Is she- Is she dead?” Pinkie asked, for once all joy gone from her voice.

Matt: Obviously hard to tell, since ponies are well-known for taking multi-week naps.  OH WAIT.

“Yes,” Twilight whispered, nodding. “Yes, I’m afraid she is.”

“Oh, I feel simply horrid!” Rarity cried. Tears fell from her eyes, slowly climbing down her face. “Is she dead or almost dead? Is it too late to save her?”

“Yes,” Twilight said again.

“Are ya sure, sugercube?”

“I’m afraid I am.”

“How can you be so sure?” Dash asked, her voice thick with accusation.

Matt: God, this is so STUPID!  What makes them give a damn now?  If these characters were in any way consistent, they'd all be taking turns to piss on her body while Twilight says "Now girls, that might not be very nice..."

“Do you see those berries she was eating?” The others nodded. “Well, I know about those. They are called Instans-Aeacus. It's Latin.

Rainbow: Which is totally a thing in Equestria shut up.

Matt: That's my line...

It translates to ‘instant death.’ They are the most lethal substance on all of Equestria. And-and I think Fluttershy knew that when she ate them.”

“What makes you say that?” Asked Pinkie Pie.

“Because Fluttershy is the one who told me about them.”

Matt: She spoke Latin and knows about plants now?  I thought her things were animals and dressmaking.

Rainbow: You're gonna bring logic into this?

Matt: You're right, it doesn't deserve the courtesy.

An evil muteness filled the air as the four ponies looked at the dead body.

“What do we do now, Twilight?”

“I’m not sure AJ. Rarity, Rainbow, you two knew her best. What do you think?”

“I don’t care. One less fillyfooler on Equestria, the way I see it.”

Matt: Aaaand, the sociopathic dyke hater is back.  That was quick.

“Rainbow Dash, how could you be so cruel?” Rarity shook her head sadly. In the beauty of the copse she could almost pretend the gentle Pegasus was asleep.

Rainbow: But as we've established, all the ponies in this story are bone-shatteringly stupid.

Almost, if not for the scent of death that hung heavy in the air. Rarity sighed. “I think we should leave her here. She always liked nature and she looks so peaceful. I don’t think there is anything we can do here. What do you girls think?”

“I think you’re probabaly right,” Twilight said sadly.

Matt: Yeah!  Why should anypony think to give the rampaging lesbian a decent burial!  She had the gall to come to her friends with her fucking FEELINGS!

Rainbow: *leans over and gives Matt a side hug* It's okay, dude.  It'll end soon.

“Any objections?” When nopony responded, Twilight nodded. “OK then. We should go back to home now. There is nothing we can do. Goodbye, Fluttershy. I’m sorry,” Twilight said as a tear slipped down to the forest floor.

Matt: Bull.  Shit.

There was nothing left to do so the purple unicorn turned and walked back to the path. Slowly, the others left until only Dash was left. She looked down at the cold, dead pony with hatred. As she stood alone, however, her gaze softened. She turned and walked to the trees her friends had disappeared behind. Turning to look at the Pegasus one last time, Rainbow spoke.

Rainbow: Oh jeez, I'm having another mood swing?  How much sillier can this get?

“I’m sorry, Fluttershy. This is all my fault. I shouldn't have been so mean. I’m sorry. I never should have laughed at you. So, goodbye. And, I’m sorry.

“I’m so, so sorry.”

Rainbow: *sigh*  Yes.  Yes you are.

Matt: Well, it's over.

Rainbow: Thank the Sisters.

Well, you’re done." Luna declared, closing and shuffling a few folders around on her desk.  "So what's your final verdict?"

I sighed.  "This is one of the worst—if not the worst—thing I've ever read.  Not worst fanfiction, the worst anything ever.  I’ve read more enjoyable leftist propaganda leaflets.  I’d rather read Mein Kampf than this abomination."

Rainbow nodded in agreement at my side.  "Everything about this story is insulting.  Any reader should be insulted by the blatant simplicity of the plot, never mind the way the story beats you over the head with its premise like a sledgehammer to an ice block."

"And the views are even worse, from every side!" I yelled.  "Don't support same-sex relationships or think they might be the slightest bit unhealthy?  You're a hateful jackass represented by the worst strawmen we could assemble.  Confused about the things you're feeling and want help?  Well, too damn bad; keep it to yourself, because everyone will hate you.  Your friends don't support your choices?  Might as well kill yourself, because angst and suicide are beautiful.  Seriously, I can't think of a worse thing to tell a reader!"

"Matt’s shown me some of the classic ‘mane 6 member comes out’ stories," Rainbow said, shaking her head, "and they’re ALL boring, trite, generic, simplistic, et cetera—but at least they aren’t this!"

Luna nodded.  "Well, I would say that you both have done justice to this fic.  How do you both feel?"

I grunted.  "Defeated."

"Exhausted," Dash echoed my mood.

"Dumber."

"Hurt."

"Insulted."

"Offended."

"All right, all right!" the Princess protested, throwing up her hooves in a gesture of surrender.  "I get the picture..."

I scowled at her.  "No, Luna, I'm not sure that you do.  Why are we still doing this?"

"...How do you mean?"

"Look," I replied.  "We both know that I didn't actually do anything wrong, yet I'm still here, against my will, being tortured—for what?  For your sadistic amusement?  Come on, Luna, you may be a prankster and a troll, but you're not cruel.  What's really going on?"

Luna's ears fell to the sides as she processed what I'd said.  "Okay, okay," she finally agreed.  "You do deserve to know."

Rainbow leaned in against me as she waited to hear what Luna had to say, but I wasn't sure if she even realized it.

"You were brought here on purpose," Luna confessed.  "Ever since the first human came to a version of Equestria, it weakened the borders in the multiverse and allowed us to bring things back and forth."

"Like the internet?" I asked.

"Exactly.  And for all the good it holds, there are dangers.  The only beings in any version of Equestria who have been made aware of the existence of the internet have been the humans, and those they have deemed able to handle it, like you did with Rainbow and myself."

I nodded slowly.  "Okay, I'm with you so far..."

"The difference," Luna said slowly, "is that Equestria runs on magic.  Things react in a much more... real way here. So these awful fanfictions are more than just bad stories, they're actually infecting the ponies who live here."

Rainbow sat bolt upright.  "Infecting?!  How?"

"It's subconscious, but reading and literacy rates dropped 2% in the first month after we brought through the first human, and the rate has been increasing, whether we bring anything new across or not.  Grades are dropping across Equestria, and foals aren't learning like they should be."

"Seriously?!" I exclaimed.  It was hard to accept.  The whole thing sounded to me like a half-assed fanfiction plot—though that might have just been because I'd read so many recently.

Luna grunted.  "Be grateful; in some other universes, the stories become rampaging monsters who kill ponies and destroy property.  It was Twilight and Pinkie who figured out how to combat the tide, though.  Pinkie saw a story and made fun of how bad it was, and Twilight detected a drop in the story's influence.  She figured out how to weaponize it by 'riffing' the stories like you do."

My head was swimming.  "Okay, I—wow.  So, why me?"

"Every human in Equestria—parallel dimension or no—was hoof-picked.  Your friends, like Twow and Simon, suggested you, and you were brought."  Luna held up a hoof to forestall my protest.  "You haven’t come across them out there because you’re not in quite the same reality they are.  Equestria has multiple versions across the multiverse.  We had to spread the healing effects around more."

"So why couldn't you tell me this before?!  I totally would have helped!"

Luna gave the camera a level look.  "I admit, I wanted to test you, to see what your limits were."  She couldn't resist a bashful grin, though.  "And, yes, I wanted to have a little fun at your expense, especially after you embarrassed me at Pinkie's party."  She sighed, her face and ears falling apologetically.  "I'm sorry I let it drag out like this, Matt.  Can you forgive me?"

I couldn't resist the ear drop even if I wanted to.  "Aww, of course, Luna," I replied.

"So, will you help us—all of us—save Equestria?" Luna asked hopefully.

"Hmmm...  That's a tall order, and I absolutely can't do it alone."  I turned to my wingmare and partner.  "Whad'ya say, Dash?"

She leaned away and gave my arm a playful punch.  "Are you kidding me?  I couldn't abandon you when it was just your sorry flank on the line, so of course I'm gonna stick it out for all of Equestria."

I grinned at the TV.  "Well, you heard her, Princess.  We're on the job!"

-fin-

[06] Memories (ft. Simon O'Sullivan and crew)

I groaned as my Spartan disintegrated in a flurry of charged particles, courtesy of Rainbow’s superior aim and Forerunner firepower.

“WOOOO!” she yelled.  “That’s game!  Suck plasma bolts, loser!”

I shook my head, still not sure how I had earned such a drubbing at my own game.  “Yeah, yeah.  You might remember, though, that after all of the different games we played, I’m still leading overall, 5-2.”

Rainbow leaned back against the arm of the couch, buffing a hoof idly against her chest fur with the smuggest grin I’ve ever seen.  “Hey, I’m a pony who’s never even played video games before.  The fact that I’m winning anything doesn’t bode well for you.”

“I’m still getting over the fact that you’re able to hold the controller to begin with...” I muttered.  Earlier in the week, Luna had managed to acquire my video game consoles for me.  I wasn’t about to inquire as to how or why, especially after she had made a point of saying that bringing anything other than information across the dimensional divide wasn’t exactly easy.  I have a suspicion, though, that she did it because I was still a bit uneasy over being the only human in the world.  It was just another bit of my old life that I was able to integrate into Equestria thanks to Rainbow’s enthusiasm.

Come to think of it, she took to it rather well.  “I’m on a hot streak!  What’s next?” she demanded, practically bouncing on the couch.

I sighed, scanning my options.  “Hmm...  I think I need to regain some dignity here.  I’m gonna have to school you in Goldeneye,” I said, reaching for the battered and well-used cartridge.  “Sorry, Dash, it’s nothing personal.”

She snorted.  “Sure, you think that just because I—”

Rainbow’s challenge cut off as we were both thrown to the floor by a massive rush of wind and force.  We bounced off of each other, and I threw my arms over both of our heads as I heard a ground-shaking crash that echoed with the sounds of rending timber and falling debris from somewhere near my kitchen.  When the sound had dissipated and dust was starting to roll over us, we sat up and looked back to see the rear wall of my house almost completely torn apart.  Through the enormous hole I could just catch a glimpse of a monstrous, shambling mass of brownish fur lumbering off towards the forest.  I could only stare blankly at the creature that had just appeared out of nowhere and gone through my back wall like it wasn’t even there.

Rainbow jumped to her hooves, her wings flared and eyes wide.  “What the hay is THAT?!”  She turned to look at me.  “Did you see what it just did?!”  Her brow furrowed at my complete lack of comprehension and she batted a hoof at my hanging jaw.  “Dude, Matt, speak to me, buddy!”

“MY HOUSE!” I shrieked.

“Uh, yeah, that.”

“I just got this place!” I yelled, feeling a mild panic attack settling in.  “I just got everything where I wanted it!  I like it with no holes in it!”

“Look, dude, I think we can fix it up later,” Rainbow said, lightly shaking me, trying to get me out of my freak-out.  “Just for now, though, what in Equestria was that thing?  Are we supposed to go after it?  Should I go get the girls?”

“A-all I could tell was huge, ugly, and vaguely brown,” I said slowly.  “I—I don’t think it’s from here...”

I trailed off as I noticed Rainbow’s ears swiveling around, picking up a sound that I could only just now hear as it grew.  My eyes got even wider, somehow, as I realized just how well I knew that sound, and how impossible it was for me to be hearing it.

*vworp vworp vworp  vworp VWORP VWORP*

Dash’s jaw dropped right alongside mine as I climbed slowly to my feet, the two of us staring in dumb silence at the obscenely blue, human-sized box that had just materialized in my kitchen.

“You have got to be kidding me...” I muttered.

For some reason, I had to fight the urge to hide behind the couch as the door to the box unlatched.  The feeling of uncomprehending dread suddenly vanished in a flash, to be replaced with utter and complete confusion as a human stepped out of the box.  He was slightly taller than I was, and adorned in a chain mail shirt and iron cap, carrying a large, double-bladed war axe loosely in one hand.

“Okay,” the human growled as he stamped into my kitchen and glanced towards the rubble-strewn hole, “according to your coordinates, the thing we’re looking for should be around here somewhere.”

Behind the armored man, a hulking version of a pony stepped out as well.  “I wouldn’t have guessed. Though the huge hole there certainly looks like a clue.”

From still inside the box, a voice called out “We’re here; that’s what matters. I’ll try to get everypony else to safety. Take care of that thing while I’m on this!”

I finally managed to bring myself back into the moment.  “I—what the actual...  Wait a second,” I stammered, the cogs in my brain beginning to turn again as I stared at the other human.  “Human, axe, armor... Simon?  Is that seriously you?  What the hell are you doing here?”

The human spun around, noticing me for the first time.  His eyes widened slightly as he recognized me.  “Well, look who’s here!  Matt!  Long time no see.”

The gargantuan stallion turned to evaluate me.  “You know him?” he asked his partner.

Simon nodded, spinning his axe around in his hand.  “A fine lad. We’ve had a drink or two together before, in older days.”  He nodded towards what was left of my home.  “Is this your...”

I shrugged pitifully.  “It used to be, I guess...”

I felt Rainbow bump up against my backside, and I glanced down to see her trying very hard to not look like she was hiding behind my legs.  “Um, I'm really hoping you know these guys, Matt.”

“Somewhat, yeah,” I said, pointing at my old friend.  “That’s Simon O’Sullivan.  Writer, fellow snarky bastard, and all-around cool guy.  Just, you know, watch out for the pointy metal.”  I angled my extended finger at the stallion.  “I have no idea who that is—” I whirled to point at what was unmistakably a TARDIS, “—and THAT shouldn’t even be possible.”

A light brown tie-wearing stallion of much more reasonable proportions trotted happily to the doorway of the police box, twirling a sonic screwdriver in his hoof.  “Oh, my good friend, you wouldn’t believe how many things are considered impossible simply because no one believed enough to try.”

The massive stallion shook his head, chuckling in his deep, rich voice.  “There you go again, Doctor.  I am Drakkar Veiðǫrvarson, hoofcarl of Scandineighvia,” he announced, bowing slightly to Rainbow Dash and I as he clutched a hoof to the paw of the bear pelt thrown over his shoulders in a salutary gesture.

Rainbow stepped out from behind me, smoothing her mane down with a hoof distractedly.  “Uh, hey!” she said awkwardly.

“Drakkar?  But aren’t you...” I shook my head emphatically, turning to point at the tan time traveler.  “You can’t possibly be the Doctor, unless you possessed that pony whose body you’ve got.  I've met you - him before!  In Ponyville!  His name's Time Turner, and he's so normal it’s depressing!  My brain hurts...”

The Doctor chuckled.  “In that case, I’m sure you haven’t met the good version of me.”

I simply fell to my knees and clutched at my head with an anguished groan.  “Oh, God, it’s too much...” I muttered.

“So,” Rainbow said, “you guys are, like, chasing that thing?  What is it?”

“That, short answer, is a story,” the Doctor replied breezily.  “Long answer, it’s a physical manifestation of an atrocious piece of fanmade literature that is so awful that it became self-aware and grew a body of its own.”

Drakkar snorted.  “It’s a fanfiction monster,” he said curtly.

“You could say it like that, yes,” the Doctor said, slightly huffy at being simplified.

I finally stopped having a breakdown long enough to rejoin the conversation.  “Wait a second,” I protested, climbing back to my feet, “I thought badfics were just manifesting as some kind of psychic pressure or something, making ponies dumber.  Heck, Rainbow and I have been taking those things on for months now.”

The Doctor put a hoof to his chin thoughtfully.  “Hmm, perhaps there are different ways nefarious literature can strike.”

“Remember what Luna said?” Rainbow interjected, tapping my side with a hoof.  “All the travel between dimensions Pinkie and Twilight and various humans have been doing has weakened the barriers between the Equestrian universes.  Maybe this thing isn’t actually from our side.”

“What an interesting discovery!” the Doctor said brightly, eager to do some research.  “I’ll try to compare our notes. Think you two can handle this one on your own?”

Simon hefted his axe meaningfully.  “No problem.  Just give us what you know about this one.”

“That’s what I like to hear,” he replied, levelling his sonic screwdriver at the retreating fiction demon.  “It seems that this one comes from the story ‘Memories.’”

Simon winced.  “That title’s so vague that if it tried harder, it could qualify as vegetative.”

“I guess maybe that’s why it doesn’t seem to have any distinct shape?” I offered, trying to be helpful.

Drakkar nodded, his hooves scraping against the kitchen floor eagerly.  “Most likely. At least it promises to be a decent fight.”

The Doctor grinned, turning to head back into the TARDIS.  “I’ll leave you four there, then. This calls for further investigation!”

“For SCIENCE!” Rainbow yelled.  I snorted in laughter.

“Yeah, you do that,” Simon told his travelling companion.

Rainbow’s tail whipped back and forth, eager to get a chance to burn off her adrenaline.  “All right, guys, let's get that thing!” she yelled.  “For Equestria!”

“For my house!” I countered, grabbing my baseball bat from its rack on the wall.

“Gef grið eigi!” Drakkar bellowed.

“Onward!” Simon called.

“CHAAAAAAARGE!”

Matt: Please, please don’t let this be a crossover with Cats.

Simon: The readings mentioned nothing about that, so we should be fine.

Twilight Sparkle woke up, and got up from her bed,

Rainbow: The hoverlifts she had just had installed meant that she didn’t have to walk, crawl, clamber or climb - just up!

Drakkar: Well, at least we know that she’s not sleepwalking.

her legs started to shake and he took a step forward,

Simon: Looks like somepony has been going to Sugarcube Corner a bit too often.

Matt: Her gender changed in mid-sentence.  No one pony should have that kind of power.

Spike watched her and turned around seeing that Twilight might of been acting that she couldn't walk.

Rainbow: *puts a hoof over her mouth* I—oh wow.  This is gonna be bruuuutal.

Drakkar: Yup, Twilight must be REALLY fat here.

Matt: I hope that’s the explanation.  Or that the author is acting that he can’t write.

Twilight Sparkle kept trying to walk, it took her time to get to her book shelf.

Rainbow: As opposed to being there instantaneously, obviously.

Simon: Or saying “book, come here!” and levitate it close to her with her magic.

Drakkar: It works for Þórr, so why not?

Spike saw her looking for a book Spike took the book he wanted to read, so he can win Rarity's heart.

Matt: It was called “Fun With Roofies: Volume 1.”

Simon: Sometimes a way to a woman’s heart lies in correctly stimulating the nether regions. It’s not a surefire bet, but it surely allows to keep her around.

Rainbow: Either way, I’m pretty sure there’d be jail time in Spike’s future.

Drakkar: *shrugs* He’s a kid; he’d go to a correctional facility at worst.

He didn't notice Twilight was loosing the ability to do something.

Rainbow: The ability to spell.

Simon: Twilight was losing the ability to be Twilight.

Matt: You know, I’m almost glad this is a monster instead.  I can’t even imagine how dumb this story would make Equestria’s youth...

He went on his bed and started to read.

Drakkar: Spike doesn’t give a damn about Twilight after a few seconds. He’s amazingly selfish.

Matt: “Busy now.  Gotta learn about how to drug Rarity!”

Simon: It took him a rare jewel to get a peck on the cheek. Rarity MIGHT have a price, but it’s sure as hell going to be high as fuck.

Matt: Speaking of “high as fuck,” how about this author, eh?  HIYO!

Twilight sparkle was slowly trying to walk downstairs one step she took was wrong she dropped her book and fell down the stairs,

Rainbow: Is this a pony fanfiction, or a QWOP fanfiction?

Drakkar: A what now?

Simon: Don’t worry about him; you’ll get used to that.

Rainbow: I’ll show ya later, Drakkar.  It’s fun!

Spike dropped his book and ran to save Twilight,

Simon: So she’s basically unable to walk and Spike doesn’t give a damn until she crashes somewhere. Three hurrays for the so-called number one assistant!

Drakkar: Hip hip fuck you!

It was to late she tried to get up instead she fell back down.

Simon: “Help, I’m a pony and I can’t get up!”

Matt: “Damn you, MedAlert!  I’ve been here for four hours, you pricks!”

Spike gulped and went to her.

Matt: I propose a new title for this story.  “A Series of Unrelated Events”

Rainbow: Seriously...

"Twilight what happened!?" Spike asked.

Simon: At least he didn’t ask “are you alright”?

Matt: “Also, where do we keep the ether?”

Rainbow: You're gonna run with that joke, huh?

Matt: Yeah...

"I think.. I lost the ability to walk!, This morning I could barely walk to the bookshelf from my bed" Twilight sparkle replied.

Simon: I’m pretty sure her legs are numb. She should just shake them for a while.

Drakkar: That’s why I always sleep on my side.

Spike gasped, he ran to get Rainbow dash and Fluttershy,

Simon: Leaving a totally handicapped Twilight on her own. Bravo!

Matt: I’m sure there’s a book in there somewhere that will keep her alive.  If she didn’t loose it already.

once he told then both they all rushed to Twilight's house, Rainbow dash and Fluttershy took her to the hospital with a blanket.

Rainbow: What, am I not good enough to get my whole name capitalized?  Why do fanfic authors hate my name?

Drakkar: I’m more concerned about the fact that they won’t call the Hospital to take Twilight there themselves. I mean, a blanket?

Rainbow: That is a good point.  Why do these stories keep treating me and the girls as all-purpose emergency services?  We have EMS ponies, you know.

Drakkar: Not to mention that you would be able to carry Twilight on your own without help.

Matt: Wait, wait, maybe the author means they brought her and a blanket?  You know, for moral support or something?

Simon: You mean like that little kid from the Charlie Brown show?

Matt: Yeah, man, that’s it.

Twilight sparkle was put in a bed, Rainbow Dash looked at the doctor as he did the tests.

Rainbow: *throws up her hooves* Pffffft, finally.

The Doctor called the three into the waiting room. Leaving Twilight Sparkle alone.

Matt: I’m sensing a theme here...

Simon: Something’s cracking my engines, but I just can’t put my finger on what exactly.

"It Appear that,

All: *wince*

Twilight Sparkle lost her ability to walk,

Simon: Yes, we noticed that when she hilariously fell down the stairs.

She also has some brain damage and her neck is injured." The doctor told them.

Matt: Brain damage.  Just, out of nowhere?

Rainbow: Maybe the author is just writing what he knows?

Matt: Burn.

Simon: Or it could’ve been a fall of epic proportions.

Matt: So that’s what happened after she flew offscreen at the end of season 3.  She just wiped out on the landing and got all this brain damage!

"Would she ever be able to walk again?" Fluttershy asked

"Sadly, no.

Drakkar: Spike’s still a little dragon, right?

Simon: Apparently so.

Drakkar: And that Dash is the same age as *points at Rainbow Dash* this one.

Simon: *stares at Dash* Pretty much, yes.

Drakkar: So this is not a story that takes places in the FAR future when they’re all old and dying. Instead, Twilight and ONLY Twilight, because I guess she’s the pony the author hates the most, has the health of a crushed skeleton.

Matt: Sadly, this isn’t the first fic we’ve come across where the author seems to have a rage-boner for one of the cast.

and her injury in her neck is very serve.

Rainbow: No, she got served.

Matt: It was brutal...

We could probably have a meeting with Twilight's parents are her friends. Including her Brother as well if she has one"

Matt: If.  How famous is Twilight, again?

Simon: Well, in Canterlot they lose their shit for her, that’s as far as I know. I kinda expected her to be some sort of minor celebrity. Being Celestia’s student and the sister-in-law of the Princess of the Crystal Empire.

Matt: And nopony realizes if she has one of the most famous brothers in the land or not?

Rainbow: That just seems like a REALLY odd thing for a doctor to say.  “As well as her cat, if she has one.”

The docter replied.

Rainbow: ♫ “Docter, docter, give me the news, I’ve got a—BAD CASE—of spelling blues!” ♫

Matt: Should I regret letting you browse through my music library, Dash?

Drakkar: At least it can’t be worse than Simon’s repertoire.

Simon: Hey, my songs are nice!

Drakkar: We’re not going to have that discussion again. You really must listen to new songs.

"Of course, We should tell Celestia right away and have a meeting in the castle" Rainbow dash said.

Rainbow: Spike is right there.  He can send letters directly to the Princess. Why would you leave her again?  Also, spell my freaking name right!

The doctor nodded, and Fluttershy went with Rainbow dash, Spike ran home,  Celestia saw Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy she stopped to talk to them.

Matt: And all in the space of a single sentence!  Wow!

Simon: And Celestia was just coincidentally walking around the place.

Matt: We don’t need logic where we’re going!

"Is there something wrong" She asked

Matt: Somehow, despite the inflection one would typically need from a question mark.

"Yes, Princess, Its about Twilight" Fluttershy replied.

"She ended up in the hospital and the doctor wants a important meeting at the castle with  her family and friends and you guys" Rainbow dash added.

Simon: It’s amazing how sadness can overcome formality. Or maybe what shocks me is the fact that Dash doesn’t consider Celestia friends or family for Twilight, just “you guys”.

Rainbow: Do you think Spike counts as “family” or just “you guys?”

Celestia transported them to the meeting room, then brought the Doctor here.

Drakkar: Wow, he’s easier to locate than he lets us think.

Doctor: *from inside the TARDIS* That’s not me!

Drakkar: But he has the capital “d” and everything!

Rainbow: Hey, that’s MY capital “d”!  Give it back!

Simon: *laughs* Damn, Matt. Rainbow REALLY wants the D.

Matt: *falls over laughing*

Rainbow: *blushes furiously*  Hate you.  Hate you all...

Drakkar: Apologies; we’re not used to having mares around, so we’re not as inhibited as we probably should be.

She sent letters to everyone in Twilight's family and friends. They went to the meeting room as soon as Possible.

Matt: As I saw it, Possible beat them there by a nose, but we’ll call it a tie so everypony feels good about it.

Simon: I imagine Spike sending all the letters to Twilight’s family and friends, only to end up all of them in Canterlot’s palace for Celestia to read.

Matt: Tia forgot to turn off her swag.  She woke up covered in letters.

Shining Armor was very worried about his sister, The Doctor cleared his throat and Celestia let him talk first.

Matt: “Whatever you do, don’t blink!”

Drakkar: It really makes it hard not to think—

Doctor: I said that’s not me!

"Alright, all of you here today, Twilight's family and friends, Please don't be surprise,

Simon: That’s like saying “please don’t drown” while throwing you to a pool with concrete boots on.

Rainbow: Maybe he’s trying to say “please don’t be Surprise,” because he’s right, a second pony like Pinkie Pie would just ruin this story.

Drakkar: Still makes me wonder how she would organize a funeral party.

But Twilight has ended up in the hospital, she has a very serve neck injury,

Matt: Probably acquired from being flown to the hospital in a blanket.

She also lost her ability to walk, and she will not be able to, She might have forgotten

Rainbow: She could just remember again.  I mean, since forgetting is a thing that apparently happens...

Simon: Well, Peter Griffin forgot how to sit, so there’s a precedent.

Matt: “They did it on Family Guy” is not a reason to do anything.  Ever.  Not even breathing.

or something terrible happened to her legs." The Doctor explained.

Luna put her hoof on the table,

Simon: Hopefully saying “We can rebuild her! We have the technology!”

Matt: The Six Million Dollar Mare!

Celestia looked at her

Matt: ...and said “When the hell did you get here?”

and Luna took her hoof off,

Drakkar: So she has prosthetic hooves?

Rainbow: Aaaaaaaaaand, that’s the extent of Luna’s involvement in this fic.  Let’s thank her for coming out, shall we?

Matt: *applauds lightly*  Hell, cyborg Luna is the best part of this fic so far.

Celestia looked at the doctor.

"She also, will be stuck in the hospital, maybe for the rest of her life" The doctor added.

Simon: Which looking down the story, it won’t be long.

Matt: Nursing homes don’t exist?  Or live-in care?  Harsh.

"Doctor, Your saying my daughter is stuck in the hospital until you guys find out whats wrong?" Mr.Sparkle asked.

Drakkar: They know what’s wrong, but apparently there’s no way to get over it.

Matt: Honestly, I never thought I’d find anything dumber than dying of a broken heart in a fanfiction, but “I forgot how to walk” just did it.

"No, I am saying she is stuck in the hospital for awhile or the rest of her life" He replied.

Simon: For what you said, doctor, I don’t think this is a either this or that decision.

Drakkar: Maybe he’s going for a “she can either die any minute now or survive as a vegetative forever” kind of thing.

Simon: That’s some dark thoughts there, man.

"What about her neck injury!" Shining armor asked

Simon: Right, because Twilight is more fucked up than just having one of the most retarded memory gaps in the history of the universe.

Rainbow: He asked with an exclamation point instead of a question mark.

Matt: Seriously, did a question mark kill this author’s family or something?

"Oh that, You might loose her due to the neck injury" The doctor answered

Simon: This is Doctor House; I’m calling it.

Rainbow: Talk about your bedside manners...

Everyone gasped, Shining Armor was about to cry, Cadance patted his back.

Drakkar: It’s sad to see my buddy like that, much more for this preposterous events.

Mrs.Sparkle was crying into Mr.Sparkle's shoulders. Celestia sighed and teared up. Luna nuzzled her sister to make her feel better.

Matt: “COMMENCE SISTER SUPPORTING ALGORITHMS.  THERE THERE.”

Rainbow: *chuckles*

The meeting was over everyone went home,

Drakkar: And nopony cares about Twilight anymore.

Matt: At least she has all the leftover doughnuts and coffee from the meeting.

The doctor went to check on Twilight Sparkle.

"I want to see my Sister-in-law and Big brother" She yelled.

Dr. Caramel let them in, He left and they chatted.

Rainbow: Wait, Caramel?  As a doctor?  BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Matt: The pony who lost grass seed?  I think this story might have just gotten funny after all...

"Twiley, I'm glad to see you.." Shining Armor smiled.

"It's glad to see you both again" She replied

Cadance gave Twilight Sparkle some roses.

Drakkar: Where and when did she buy those?

Matt: I would say she pulled them out of her ass, but OW. >_<

"We hope you get better Twilight" She says.

Simon: Well, as long as she doesn’t listen to heavy metal, she’ll probably survive long enough.

Rainbow: Some ponies just aren’t cut out for headbanging.

Dr.Caramel told them they had to leave so they did. Twilight sparkle looked at the tag knowing it was from both of them, Dr.Caramel smiled and exited her room.

Then her friends visited her, Rarity started to cry and then their visiting hour ended so they all left,

Matt: HOW DID I USING TENSE?!

Rainbow: Okay, that is officially a running gag now.

Simon: I really can’t be sad at this, because I just pictured ponies going “Hi, Twilight! Bye!”

Twilight sparkle was wondering why Rarity was crying, she looked at the thing Rarity gave her, A gem. It was Emerald.

Rainbow: I'm sure that means something in the author's head, but darned if I know what.

Drakkar: To me, it means that Spike would eat it in one bite when either nopony’s paying attention or when Twilight dies.

Matt: That seems about right.

Twilight sparkle gave her friends things as well when they visited her.

Matt: As is the ancient tradition when one is dying.

Simon: Where the hell did she get stuff for them in a hospital anyways? What did she give them, brochures and coupons for plastic surgery?

Rainbow: Amazon.com?

It got dark so Twilight sparkle turned of her light and tucked herself in.

Matt: This is clearly a metaphor for the smothering narrative.

Drakkar: Hmm it was dark, so she turned off the light. That’s a logic I just can’t follow.

She slowly closed her eyes and went to sleep. Dr.Caramel went to see her, she was sound asleep and okay, He had to check to make sure she was still breathing when she goes to sleep.

Rainbow: *flinches* Gah!  This story...

Matt: *pats her on the back*  I know, we'll make it somehow.

Simon: *shakes head* Another one of these.

Drakkar: You really expect something more to be needed to make readers cry themselves to death.

Matt: That’s just the feeling of your brain dying that makes you cry like that.

He left the room and went into his room for the night.

Matt: Doctor Caramel is a patient, too?

Rainbow: He's a mental patient!  This fic ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!

Simon: Either that or, according to this author, the medical crew live in the hospital. But I like your idea MUCH better. I’m sure there’s a movie about that somewhere.

Morning came and the dews of the sun

Matt and Rainbow: Wat.

Simon: I’d make a sex joke, but that would make this part have the slightest glimpse of logic. And I’m not prepared to do that.

made Twilight sparkle sneezed,

Rainbow: How - dews, sneezing, tense, logic—what?

she woke up and sat up, eating her breakfast that Dr.Caramel gave her.

She got visited by Princess Celestia and was given  a gift, a book, Twilight sparkle said her thank yous and started to read it,

Matt: She'd better, she ain't got much time left.

Celestia left the room and went back to her castle,

Drakkar: This is really depressing when you think about it, but not in the way the author wanted.

Simon: Yeah, Celestia just came and said “Here, a book. You... seem to like these things. Bye.”

She kept getting visited my everyone she knows and they give her something, She has a lot of things a lot of her friends gave her and her family gave her things to.

Matt: Things to what?!  Explain, story, explain!

Drakkar: Probably to end her misery. I would expect my friends to do that to me if I became unable to move a muscle without fear of dying.

Matt: *huffs* I'd prefer if this story gave me the means to end my misery...

Twilight sparkle decided to take a nap, she fell asleep, Dr.Caramel checked up on her and then left the room knowing she was still alive.

Rainbow: Merciful Harmony, the writing's getting worse!  Is this thing gaining power?

Drakkar: If would be the first time that happened, but I guess it’s possible.

Twilight sparkle woke up and yawned right when her lunch was given, she ate it all and the nurses left.

Twilight sparkle had some water and chugged it down, She kept reading her book and then night grew she put her book down and turned off the light and tucked herself in falling asleep. The doctor did his duty and went to bed after.

Simon: This is a story’s equivalent of going “blah blah blah blah blah”.

Matt: "Did his duty."  Heh.

Rainbow: *cuffs Matt in the back of the head* Oh, grow up.

Twilight sparkle woke up, She sat up and put her hoof to her chest,

Matt: It was still full of all her plundered booty.

Rainbow: *chuckles* Booty...

Matt: Did you not just hit me for doing that?

Simon: You have to ask; which one of the four hooves did she put to her chest?

Breathing slowly, she looked at Dr. Caramel coming in her room. Seeing he was concerned about her, She put her hoof down and smiled like she was okay. Nurse Red Heart came in with Twilight's breakfast, she handed it to her, Twilight sparkle looked down at her meal and ate it slowly,

Simon: Isn’t hospital food good enough to make you want to gobble that shit right down?

Matt: Haven’t spent much time as a patient, eh, Simon?

Dr. Caramel became very worried about his patient.

Rainbow: Most patients didn’t fall for his prank of replacing their food with ball bearings, but Twilight just chomped right down...

Drakkar: Being a doctor allows a lot of freedom for pranks, apparently.

Matt: You wouldn’t believe how many holes there are in Celestia’s Healthcare Reform bill.

Twilight sparkle still had a sharp pain in her chest, she groaned a bit, her chest hurting,

Simon: Am I the only one who noticed that Twilight woke up dying out of the blue?

Matt: Offering a medical diagnosis would tax the author’s writing beyond the breaking point.

She called Dr.Caramel in to talk to him.

Dr.Caramel entered her room and looked at her, Twilight sparkle smiled and then her eyes teared up. She couldn't take the pain she felt in her heart.

Matt: She had to—she would confess her love right here and now!

Simon: Aha!  She feigned this extreme sickness to be with Caramel!

Rainbow: *swoons* HOW WOMANTIC!

"What is it, Twilight?" Dr.Caramel asked

Drakkar: “I don’t know, you’re the doctor.  YOU tell me!”

"Dr.Caramel, I have been having pains today in my chest, I need help identifying what it is"

Rainbow: Heh, the ol’ “I’m having pains in my chest” line.  Gets ‘em every time...

Simon: Because self diagnose is one of the most underappreciated practices you can think of.

Twilight sparkle explained, Dr.Caramel nodded and touched one of her ribs,

Matt: Bow chicka—um—bow wow?  Damn...  Okay, I’ll admit that would have made a lot more sense on a human.

Drakkar: Really?

Simon: Oh yes.  Human females have a couple really fun bits at that height.

Matt: ^_^

Rainbow: *rolls her eyes*  Males...

he shook his head and exited the room,

Simon: Well, if she were actually a human female, that would’ve been the...  What’s the male equivalent of at cocktease?

Matt: Um... I have no idea, actually...

Drakkar: I don’t think it would exist as a term.  I don’t picture a male taking the effort to turn a female on just to leave her at that and walk away.

Twilight sparkle thought it was heart burn, but seeing Dr.Caramel's expression on his face while he shook his head and left the room, made Twilight worried.

Rainbow: Man, Caramel must have been really

Spike came to visit Twilight, He smiled at her, Twilight sparkle looked at him with a worried expression on her face, Spike then giggled.

Matt: CAPTAIN SENSITIVITY STRIKES AGAIN!

"Twilight, Why are you so worried?" He asked

Simon: “I don’t know, probably because I’M FUCKING DYING RIGHT HERE!?”

Rainbow: Dying?  Pfft, don wohrry aboutit.

Matt: O hai, comically underplayed drama!

"Well spike, I have been having Pains in my chest. I don't know what it is" She replied

Matt: “Obviously, we’ll need to amputate your chest.”

Drakkar: The doctor isn’t doing that much to help her anyways.

Rainbow: I’m telling you, mental patient...

Spike gave her a rose and left the room, Twilight sparkle sighed and held the rose,

Rainbow: It smelled faintly of chloroform.

Simon: “He had to wait til I was dying to declare his love.  What a prick!”

Matt: Good thing she saved herself for Caramel instead.

Twilight closed her eyes and a tear was shed she put down the rose and  laid down , She stared at the ceiling doing nothing, letting her chest hurt.

Drakkar: In that case she WAS doing something after all.

Rainbow: More than the doctor was, anyway.

Dr.Caramel entered the room with Nurse Red Heart. They chatted a bit then left the room.

Simon: …Okay, THAT is depressing.

Matt: I’d rather be getting my medical treatment from Doctor PEPPER.

Twilight sparkle wasn't listening but heard some of the conversation. She groaned in pain.

Dr.Caramel had a conversation

Rainbow: This stallion’s desk calendar must be a thing of beauty.  “9am, talk.  9:30, talk.  10am, converse.  11am, ignore patient, have chat.  12, lunch.  1pm, malpractice hearing...”

when Celestia tried to visit her student. Celestia was surprised.

"Sorry Princess, you can't visit Twilight at the moment" Dr. Caramel told her.

"Why?" Celestia asked

Matt: What a good question!

Drakkar: She’s the ruler of the land. She’s the reason that place was built!

"Twilight sparkle has been having chest pains, her neck is still injured and I don't think she can feel any pain in her neck, but I caught her with her hoof on her chest, This pain she is having probably wont end well, So we can't accept anymore visitors at this time"

Simon: “She’s in pain. A lot of pain. You can’t visit her.”

Drakkar: How hard is it to become a doctor here?

"Oh alright, I understand."

Matt: Gives up easy, don’t she?

Celestia walked off and flew back to her castle,

Simon: Even Angelina Jolie had more screentime in Sky Captain than every character in this story aside from Twilight and Caramel combined.

Matt: Obscure burn, dude.

Dr.Caramel was roaming the hall ways checking every pony in every room.

Drakkar: Apparently he thinks he can heal ponies by getting inside the rooms they are in for a few seconds.

Matt: He actually reminds me a lot of the NPCs in the early Final Fantasy games.  Pre-programmed route, one or two pre-chosen lines of dialogue, no deviating.

Simon: I prefer those rather than those pesky kobolds in DDO. Jumping and bouncing around, little lizardy, fireball-throwing Pinkie Pies.

Twilight sparkle was still in pain, She grabbed a book and read it, She put it down and started to stare at the ceiling again,

Rainbow: “Arrgh, if only we had something like magic in this world!  Alas!”

Simon: Or medical gear, for that matter.

It was getting really dark, So Twilight turned on her light and just kept staring at the ceiling.

Matt: “I’m watching you, ceiling.  Don’t you try anything funny!”

Simon: Oh, her sickness gives her hallucination?  That’s some ball tripping I want to read.

Matt: This is what happens when you give patients control over their own morphine drip.

Twilight sparkle got very tired,

Drakkar: Damn, staring at the ceiling SURE is exhausting.

She turned off her light and turned to her side, she slowly fell asleep. Dr.Caramel check up on her as always and tucked her in, he closed the door as he left the room.

Rainbow: Did he then go power down in the closet for the night?  Geez, how useless can a pony get?

Simon: Hayseed has no cutie mark, and I’m sure he’d be a better doctor.

Twilight sparkle woke up at 5 AM, Still dark

Drakkar: The Princesses are still taking care of the solar cycles.  That’s good to know.  I’d be scared if they got depressed and stopped moving the Sun and the Moon.

she sat up and yawned, later the sun rose and Dr.Caramel came in with her breakfast, Twilight sparkle ate it slowly, when she was finished Dr.Caramel took it and then left the room.

Matt: The hospital has been severely understaffed for a while now, so he has to act as nurse and housecleaning, too.

Twilight sparkle had no visitors since Spike came last, she was little sad not seeing any of her friends yet, she took the jem stone Rarity gave her and looked at herself in it she then put down the emerald and sighed.

Rainbow: They would have dropped by, but today was the start of Spike’s drugging and ponynapping trial.

Matt: I knew Twilight shouldn’t have given him that book...

Simon: I really hope you can tune Cartoon Network with that thing.  Otherwise it’s going to be another boring session of “Twilight stares at shit in her hospital room.”

Matt: But this might be the day Caramel finally comes into her room!  OH WAIT. >_<

Dr.Caramel came in

Drakkar: When did we miss all the foreplay and sex?

Matt: HIYO!

and gave Twilight her daily check up,

Simon: Consisting of looking at her for a few seconds and leaving shortly after.

Dr.Caramel finally figured out what's going on with her chest pain, she might have heart burn or she might just be dying very slowly.

Rainbow: That’s quite a freaking jump!

Matt: “It could be a bruise, or it could be a necrotic flesh infection.”

Simon: That’s what I call margin of error.

Dr.caramel

Rainbow: He lost his space a while ago, and now he lost his capital “c”.  He’s being demoted as the fic goes on.

smiled and left the room to talk with Nurse Red heart.

Drakkar: “Okay, this is it.  If she kicks the bucket today, I’ll win the death pool.”

Twilight sparkle read her book that one of her friends gave her, she was very interested in it and loved the book, she kept reading it.

Matt: Couldn’t remember who gave it to her only yesterday, though.  Damn that brain damage!

Rainbow: Joke’s on her, Celestia’s been giving her the same copy of “Hop on Pop” every time she comes by.

She stopped and put it down, she smiled and took a nap.

Simon: I can’t handle all this fervent action!

Twilight sparkle woke up and her friends and family crowded the room,

Drakkar: Didn’t just Caramel forbid anypony from visiting Twilight?

They gave her alot of stuff and she smiled.

Matt: Is this a thing in Equestria?  Or maybe the northlands you come from?  You just give dying people “stuff” until they either die or get smothered by it?

Rainbow: Definitely not.

Drakkar: Well, I don’t think Hela is one to accept bribes.  We usually burn warriors with their gear and send boats full of wealth if a jarl died.  It was a way to show that the warrior was wealthy.  Other than that...

Simon: Maybe they’re just doing it so Twilight doesn’t think on the fact that she’s dying.

She was happy to see her friends and family. Her mom teared up and Celestia put a wing over her parents.

Matt: Worst.  Poker faces.  EVAR.

They had some decent conversations then they had to leave,

Simon: They talked about how their world domination plans weren’t going to happen without her.

Rainbow: I don’t care if they were asking Twilight if the ceiling had done anything interesting yet, I’d still rather read those conversations than any of this!

once Twilight looked out the window

Matt: WOAH WOAH WOAH, SLOW DOWN STORY.  TOO MUCH ACTION HERE.

her visitors stayed pretty long, it was the afternoon now. She was very happy, she stared at the ceiling

Drakkar: Oh, magical ceiling, what mysteries are you hiding from the unworthy eye?

Rainbow: Ceiling cat never comes when you’re watching.

again and then it became dark outside,

Simon: It was when Luna arrived to Canterlot and thought “Oh, shit, I have to make night time!”

she laid down and went to sleep. Dr.caramel check up on her then left knowing she was okay.

Simon: She was okay?  Why didn’t you just let her go home, then?

He wanted to keep this patient alive, and he might loose her a year later, depends on how slow she is dying out..

Matt: Wow.  Just wow, man.  Round of applause for the graduate of the Helen Keller School of Diagnostic Medicine. *slow clap*

Rainbow: *claps* Just think, she’s gonna be stuck in that stupid bed for months.  Nothing but ceiling watching and the “doctor” going in and out, in and out, in and out...

Simon: Just imagine the shit ton of books they’ll bring her as gifts.  She’ll be able to make entire book castles!

Two months later, Twilight Sparkle awoke from an amazing dream,

Drakkar: Did she sleep for two whole months?

Simon: She’ll have a lot of reading to do at the pace they bring her books.

although she was afraid she will not achieve the dream.

Matt: No man can eat fifty eggs!

Twilight still had pain in her chest and it has gotten worse.

Simon: This reminds of the yodeling veterinarian from the Alps, who thought he could heal animals by singing.

Matt: The infamous “going in and out” treatment would be a source of controversy in medical circles for decades.

She coughed and sighed, Dr.Caramel quickly entered the room.

Rainbow: “Gah!  What the hell were you doing just listening outside my room!”

"Twilight, What's the matter!?" He asked

"Doc.. I ain't feeling to good" She coughed.

Drakkar: NOW she notices it?  Twilight, I thought you were MUCH smarter than this!

Rainbow: This is the pony who forgot how to walk in the first scene.

Dr.Caramel checked her heart beat, it was slowing down,

Matt: 65 bpm.  64...  63...

Everyone came to visit her later, and didn't leave her side.

Rainbow: For, like, the first time ever.

"T-Twiley?" Shining Armor asked.

"Twilight!" Mr. and Mrs. Sparkle yelled

Matt: “Sweet Luna, I’m right here! Stop yelling!”

Twilight Sparkle looked at all her friends and family, She smiled, Her eyes fogged up a tiny bit.

"Doctor.. Her eyes are fogging up" Cadance proclaimed

"That's a sign that she is close to her death" Dr.Caramel replied.

Drakkar: Bluntness is his middle name.

Matt: 48... 47... 46...

Cadance covered her mouth with her hoof and teared up, Oh no, not my best sister-in-law ever!,

Simon: ONLY sister-in-law ever. Unless her parents decide to have another one.

 Sunshine.. Sunshine.. ladybugs awake.. clap.. your hooves and do a little shake.. Nothing will be the same without Twilight Cadance thought.

Rainbow: *facehoofs*  That’s the best you can do for drama?

Simon: “I won’t be able to shake my ass ever again!”

Drakkar: Poor, poor Shining Armor.

Matt: 35... 72... 34...

Rainbow: 72?

Matt: She thought she saw the ceiling move and it startled her for a moment.

Celestia rubbed against Twilight sparkle, who teared up, she was very close to her death.

"I'm sorry, The doctor tried everything..

Drakkar: He tried looking at her.  He tried writing in front of her.  He tried talking to Nurse Redheart in front her, and nothing worked.

Rainbow: Don’t forget all the “going” he did.  He really went the extra mile.

Matt: 12... 11... 10...

I'm so sorry everybody" Twilight Sparkle whined

Simon: “I thought I was going to be an immortal Princess who’d outlive you all.”

"Twilight Darling, It isn't your fault.. It's your time" Rarity cried.

Rainbow: Well, Spike would have been there, but he couldn’t get parole in just two months.

Everyone tried to comfort Twilight.. But then, Twilight Sparkle's heart kept going slower, and she was very close. It was time for her to say her last words

Matt: 5... 4... 3...

Simon: “Now that I’m going to die, I can say...  I hated you all since I first met you!”  *dies*

"Everyone.. Thank you, every since I was a filly, My parents helped me get into Celestia's school for gifted unicorns, and if it wasn't for my brother, I wouldn't have any confidence when I was younger, Thanks to Cadance, I wouldn't have learnt a tune, My friends..

Matt: -1... -2... -3...

Simon: And this is why I hated the first Assassin’s Creed.  I wanted SO HARD to skip those boring conversation scenes.

Matt: Stick a knife in her neck.  It didn’t stop them from soliloquizing, but you never know until you try.

You are the best, Rainbow dash,

Drakkar: Oh, right, now that you’re about to die, rub on everypony’s faces who was your best friend.

I think you're totally fit to be a wonderbolt,

Simon: As if her time at Wonderbolt Academy didn’t show us that.

Rainbow: Hey, she’s not wrong, you know.

Drakkar: I think he complains because she’s just stating the obvious.  I’m sure something more could’ve been said about you there.

Matt: No, no, no, let’s NOT give her more of a swelled head.

Rainbow: *sticks her tongue out at Matt*

Fluttershy, You're so kind, and yet you get scared so easily, try being brave,

Rainbow: Now there’s a parting “screw you” if I’ve ever seen it.

Rarity, You're fashions choices are such wonderful amazing ideas, my gala dress was so.. awesome.

Drakkar: Eeeh, I don’t like Equestrian clothing that much.

Simon: She still was able to make you that suit, and Mjǫllna’s dress too.

Drakkar: Right, those were amazing.

Pinkie pie, You're the greatest of them all,

Rainbow: Hey!  You said I was the best!  You suck, Dying!Twilight.

you made us brave by helping us laugh at the scariest things.

Simon: But it HAS to be an honest laugh.  If you laugh like a villain or a madman, you actually make ponies around you MORE terrified.

Applejack, if it wasn't for you, and your family, The pure delicouse treats

Rainbow: “Delicouse.”  Huh, sounds Bitalian.

Matt: -34... -35... -36..

wouldn't of been made, and we would of never met,

Simon: Twilight might be taking TOO long to die, but her grammar has been dead for a while.

Rainbow: Just how bad was that brain damage?

but since we did, I never regret it. After meeting all of you guts, I would never regret.

Matt: You guts: I hate them.

Celestia, your my mentor, my teacher, and a part of my family, Luna, your the same,

Drakkar: Celestia, you’re the most wonderful being in the world.  Luna, I can’t copypaste my voice, but that goes for you too, in a nutshell.

Rainbow: *gasping* “Ten... out—out of... ten... W-w-would... bang...”

You needed help making friends, and I helped you, Shinging Armor, Your the best brother I ever had, You married my foalsitter, and I thought Princess Mi Amore Cadenza was a mare whom thinks she is such a princess, with attitude, Once I realized it was Cadance, I loved it.

Matt: Wow.  84-word sentence here.  That might be a new, horrible record for me.

Rainbow: “Shinging Armor” sounds like the name of a drunken pony attempting karaoke in a bar.

You taught me how to fly a kite,

Simon: “It’s not the most important or useful skill ever, but thanks anyways!”

Matt: “Could have taught me a healing spell or something, but nooOOOOoooo...”

the only fight we ever had was at the wedding.. Mom and Dad, Your the best parents a pony could wish for, Sweet and gentle, Me and shining armor are so glad to have you as parents.

Cadance, our times we had were so fun, now your my sister-in-law, your the best half sister ever, Don't forget..

Rainbow: Um... half-sisters do not work that way.  Did she just make Shining Armor’s marriage MUCH creepier?

Sunshine, Sunshine, Ladybugs awake, clap your hooves and do a little shake.

You will always be in my heart.

Drakkar: Considering how shitty it must be, I don’t think she wants to be there.

Matt: -175... -176... -177...

Simon: She’s going to die of reverse arrhythmia.

and I will be in everyone elses heart, I will be there.

I love you all.. never forget."

Matt: *retches*

Rainbow: *retches*

Simon: Between Hurricane Katrina and this fic, I’m honestly not sure which is worse.

Twilight sparkle stopped breathing, her heart stopped bumping.

Rainbow: It started grinding instead.

Matt: THE CLUB CAN’T EVEN HANDLE ME RIGHT NOW.

She died.

Simon: About time!

Everyone was crying, they left.

Drakkar: They were getting bored too, numb hooves and all.

Her words were glued into their minds.

Rainbow: It was every bit as sticky and unpleasant as that sounds.

Mane 6 couldn't help it but sing a song for her.

Simon: So Twilight’s ghost is singing along with them?

Matt: Oh god... not a song...

"Twilight Sparkle, the greatest friend we ever had..

She's the best pony we have known, the smartest and greatest of them all,

the egghead, but a friend.

She came to our town, for a quest, and she stayed because of us, everything was such a blast with her around.

Now she's dead due to a injury, now she will never return

Take care

Farewell

Goodbye

Twilight Sparkle

Rainbow: Booo!  Your rhyming stinks!

Matt: Get off the stage!  You’re not funny!

Simon: The author was lazy enough to use colors to save himself from mentioning who was singing each one.

Drakkar: Who sang the third line, though?

All: O_O

Matt: Ye gods, even death can’t shut Twilight up!

Simon: Maybe it’s the Death from Discworld?  No, she speaks in capital letters.

“We’ve got it weakened, but it’s not going down!”

Rainbow touched down next to me, trying to catch her breath.  “It’s tough.  We can’t get through to do lethal damage.”

Simon, crouched, calling to his partner.  “Usual tactic, Drakkar.  Flanking time!”

“You take the left?”

“As usual!”

“Hey, wait a second,” I interjected, “we’ve got two more bodies available!”

Rainbow fluttered her wings.  “Hey, yeah, and a whole third dimension!”

“Okay, so what’s the plan?” Simon asked.

I glanced over at my wingmare.  “You thinking what I’m thinking, Dash?”

“Orbital strike?”

I grinned.  “Bingo.  Grab Drakkar and go vertical.”  She galloped off towards Drakkar as I turned to Simon.  “Help me out, dude, we gotta flank this thing and keep it from moving!”

Dash skidded to a stop next to the Norse pony.  “Hey, mind if I borrow you for a moment?”

He smirked.  “I don’t think my wife would mind given the circumstances.”

She snorted irritably and rolled her eyes.  “I’ll hit you for that when I’ve got the time.  Come on!”  She grabbed Drakkar around the chest and sprang into the air, gaining altitude as quickly as she could.

I battered at the beast with my bat, flailing wildly.  “Hold it down, Simon!”

Simon grunted his assent, alternating between precise strikes at the monster and distracting it with loud smacks of his axe against the ground.  “You’re not going anywhere!”

Barely visible in the sky above, Rainbow yelled, “Axe out, Drak!  LOOK OUT BELOW!”

The pony pair turned, suddenly plummeting.  Rainbow flapped for every ounce of speed she could manage, trailing a rainbow and a startlingly intense scream.

“DUCK AND COVER!” I yelled, throwing myself behind a tree.

Simon glanced up and catapulted himself into a pathside ditch.

Just before impact, the Doctor wandered out of the house, dusting his coat off with a hoof.  “Okay, I’m done with the synchroni—oh...”

Rainbow and Drakkar struck, Drakkar’s axe and Rainbow’s hoof extended equally as they impacted with a seemingly nuclear impact.  I didn’t bother to look, but it wouldn’t have surprised me in the least if there had been a full-on mushroom cloud.  All I could see was dust and dirt billowing in the shockwave, followed by a grisly rain of monster fragments.  Simon and I stepped back onto the path to survey the damage.

The Doctor grinned, his irrepressible humor undaunted by his being coated in a spray of mostly-unrecognizable gore.  “Glad to know I didn’t miss the fireworks!” he chirped.

I scrambled over to the crater, looking for Rainbow.  “Hey, you two okay?” I called out to the mostly still ponies.  “Rainbow, you good?  Talk to me, Dash!”

She rolled over onto her back with a grunt.  “That... was... frigging... AWESOME.”

Drakkar sighed wearily.  “I prefer the ground, but it was... an experience.”

Rainbow panted breathlessly.  “Oh... oh yeah...” she said, reaching out a hoof and lightly tapping Drakkar’s shoulder.  “Yeah... you deserved that.  Phew...”

Simon laughed.  “Well... this was more intense than usual, but we’re done.  Drakkar, can you get up?”

The Scandineighvian warrior laughed shakily.  “You offend me... with your doubts.”  He slowly clambered to his hooves before taking a deep, calming breath and reaching out a hoof to Rainbow.  “Come on, let me help you.”

She managed to accept his help without blushing, surprisingly.  “Thanks.  You guys were a big help.”

I had to agree with her there.  “Yeah, I’m not sure what we would have done otherwise.”

Simon grinned, looking around for some unsoiled grass to clean his blade on.  “I’m glad we were able to help.  I hope we can come back again—next time without monsters to kill.”

I offered my hand and clasped his wrist against my own.  “Well, if there’s such a thing as a dimensional door, I’ll leave it open for ya.”

“Oh, um... Matt?”  Rainbow tapped my elbow and nodded her head back towards my house.  Or rather, what was left of it.

I sighed.  “Ah.  Yeah.  Guess I’ll have to call somepony about that.”

“Damn...” Simon said.  “Well, if you need help, I’m sure we could stick around a little longer.  At least to clear the debris and such.”

“That would be appreciated, but man... I dunno if I’m up to it at the moment.”  I glanced down at my wingmare, throwing an arm across her shoulders.  “How about some celebratory dinner and drinks first?  Our treat.”

Drakkar nodded.  “Sounds good to me.”

“Same here,” Simon agreed.

The Doctor chuckled, wiping remnants of monster off of his fur.  “I’ll pick you gentlemen up later, then, shall I?”

Rainbow leaned easily against my side, though I could still feel the slight tremor of her muscles after that ordeal.  “Pffft.  Too good to join us then?” she jested, sticking her tongue out at the Time Lord.

He chuckled.  “Oh, on the contrary.  I think this should be a celebration for the warriors to share.”

I grunted.  “Suit yourself, Doctor.  Well, guys, one last conquest.  To the pub!”

-fin-

[07] Dangersignal - The History

Rainbow and I sighed in unison as the door closed behind the last of the workers for the day.  We stared at the hole that still gaped in the wall of my house after two weeks, the remainder of work to be completed now covered over with a large plastic sheet.

“Well, it’s better than nothing,” Rainbow said with an almost apologetic shrug.

I hmmphed.  “It’ll have to do,” I replied.  “I don’t see you offering me your couch anytime soon, unfortunately.”

“Yeah, you’d have to lose a lot of weight for that to work,” she agreed.

I kicked back and fell flat onto my couch, bouncing lightly.  “At least that damned hammering has stopped for the night.”

“Has it?” Rainbow quipped, shoving my legs to the side as she claimed her corner of the couch and laid down, tucking her legs up under her stomach comfortably.  “I’m pretty sure I can still hear it.  I think I might always hear it from now on.”

I grunted and kicked my legs back up, resting them on her back.  She rolled her eyes, but smirked anyway.

I blew a long breath out between my lips noisily.  “At least it’s not winter.”

“At least, yeah.”

“That would be most unfortunate, yes.”

I wasn’t even surprised, somehow.  I let my head loll to the side to see Luna, her typical bedroom setting behind her on the TV.  “Thank you for fixing that static,” I said flatly.  “But I’d still prefer it if you knocked or something.”

Luna sulked, her ears falling slightly as she realized her surprise had been wasted on us.

“You got a story for us?” Rainbow asked, perking up slightly.

“I do indeed.”

Even as tired and discouraged as I was over the work on my home going so slowly, I still felt something inside of me leap at the prospect of another chance to fulfil my purpose.  “Oh, tell me it’s bad...”

“It’s bad,” Luna smirked.  “And not that dismal, gloomy sort of bad that I’ve been giving to you both, either.  This story is simple, pure badness.  It’s your favorite, Matt.”

I levered myself up slightly onto my elbows.  “Alicorn OC?”

“Indeed.”

My eyes got slightly wider.  “Self-insert?”

“Quite.”

I jumped up, swinging my legs back to the floor as Rainbow ducked.  Thankfully, I’d only clocked her once doing that so far, and she had quick reflexes.

“Sweet!” I yelled happily.  “Let’s rip it apart!”

Rainbow smirked.  “Okay, this I gotta see.”

Luna grinned.  “Incoming...”

The yellow light on the wall started flashing as always.  I threw a pillow at it, which did very little, but did make me feel pretty good for hitting it.

“WE GOT STORY SIGN!”

Matt: Oh, is that really his name?  This is going to be amazing.

I have been asked to give an account of my life before becoming the Alicorn known as Dangersignal.

Rainbow: Okay, stop.  One sentence in and I’m already calling BS on this story.  No one asked for this.

The short version is that the universe used me as a punching bag. The long version is as follows.

Matt: I liked the short version just fine, thanks.

Rainbow: Doesn’t exactly make the minimum word limit, though, does it?

Matt: You’re assuming that this needed to be published at all.

I was born on Hearthswarming Eve, in the Crystal Empire, long before Sombra ever took over and became Dictator.

Rainbow: Man, that’s the worst.  You never get to feel like you have your own special day when your birthday is on Hearth’s Warming.

Matt: Which is two words.

Most anyone who knows anything about the Crystal Empire sees them as kindhearted souls who wouldn’t harm a little horsefly. Oh boy have you got your heads in the clouds.

Matt: Maybe I’m weird, but I saw them as brutally slaughtered and kept as horrifically mistreated slaves, so maybe they could be forgiven for being slightly flat, emotionally.

Rainbow: Well, this was long before that.  Maybe they were all assholes and totally deserved it.

When I was nothing more than a young filly, many of the early residents were straight up bullies, some going as far as to blackmail others who didn’t raise anyone who was of their “kind”.

Rainbow: Their “kind”?  Crystal ponies?

Matt: Other bullies?

School was worse than anything,

Matt: I hear ya, sister.

mainly because the professors refused to do anything about my bullying problems,

Rainbow: Your school as a filly had professors?  That’s some private school business right there.

Matt: Dude, their tuition must be ridiculous if primary and secondary schoolteachers are that overqualified.

which lead to depression and thoughts that aren’t fit to be told here.

Matt: Well, if it wasn’t for people like this, Linkin Park wouldn’t have had a career.  So I guess at least they have that going for them, which is nice.

Some time later, my younger brother was born, as an unicorn, whilst I was a Pegasus.

Rainbow: That would have been nice to know earlier.

Matt: She implied that she was picked on because of what type of pony she was, but refused to tell us until now what type she actually was.

He and I became close

Rainbow: Dont you even—

Matt: *snorts*  I know, I know, not that kind of story...

and by the time he was able to start Canterlot schooling, I was finished with Canterlot schools

Rainbow: She’s so finished with Canterlot schools.  Just done with it.

Matt: So over it, she can’t even.

and had moved to Cloudsdale to go to school to learn how to handle weather.

Matt: That makes sense, I suppose.

That lasted only one day, then I got kicked out for “being too good” (in other words, I was kicked out because I didn’t belong with Pegasi, despite me being a Pegasus).

Rainbow: Aaand, there’s the sentence that counters the sense-making.

Matt: Wow, this is some textbook Mary Sue-ing going on right here, people.

While I was trying to find my calling in life, my parents gave birth to a girl, and an earth pony,

Matt: Which just threw off the whole thing.

which completed the triad of ponies in Equestria.

Rainbow: Okay, I know you’re weirdly obsessive about these sorts of things, so what are the odds of that?

Matt: It’s hard to say without knowing what both parents were and their heritages, but I can make a rough approximation.  If both parents are Earth Ponies, then the chance is no better than about one-tenth of one percent.  If they’re not, then about one percent.  I suppose it’s almost inevitable that it’s happened somewhere in Equestria.

However, things weren’t all sunshine and smiles with my youngest sibling and the parents. My sister had some kind of rare disease, and it seemed to be whittling away her life.

Matt: Ooh, “whittling”.  Can’t you just feel the angst building?

It was agreed that they’d go to Canterlot to see if the hospitals could save her life.

Rainbow: Pretty sure the doctors inside the hospitals are the key.

I had wanted to go, but was summoned, by special delivery letter, to go see Princess Celestia.

Matt: Those commas make this sentence seem like it’s out of breath.

Rainbow: She should work on improving her stamina if she doesn’t want to be embarrassed meeting the Princess.

She had heard about my situation with my family and wanted to see if I was capable of being one of her prestigious Elite Guards.

Matt and Rainbow: *shake their heads*

Matt: Did we miss something?  This story just took a weird left turn.

Rainbow: Is the “Elite Guards” a code phrase for “charity”, or is there something about angsty teenaged ponies that makes better guards?

Matt: Maybe it’s like how MI6 and the CIA love recruiting orphans or something.  Still nonsense, of course.

My brother was also summoned to be inspected by Princess Luna for the same purpose.

Rainbow: I guess he was a pony that existed, sure, why not.

Matt: The “because reasons” are strong in this one.

Normal ponies would jump at the chance to be one of Luna and Celestia’s Elite Guard, but not me.

Matt: “I was too angsty, unique, and Anti-Sue to simply fall into that old cliche.”

‘This will make me way too perfect,’ I thought. ‘No-one will ever speak to me again.’

Matt and Rainbow: *snort with laughter*

Rainbow: Most ponies have to do something first in order to be seen as perfect.

Matt: Welp, that’s quite a few checks off the Wall-O-Sue List™.

That statement was true.

Rainbow: Oh, well then, I guess if the story says so, then it’s indisputable.

Most of my family were dead by this point,

Matt: Due to the aforementioned “because reasons”.

Rainbow: Well, if everything ever didn’t go wrong for our protagonist, then she wouldn’t qualify for Anti-Sue status.

but me and one uncle were not on “pleasant” speaking terms.

Matt: “He never gave back that lawn mower before my parents were plot-murdered.  I swore he would pay.”

If I were chosen, then he and I would burn bridges, finally ending that painful relationship.

Rainbow: Chosen?  For what, the Hunger Games?

Matt: I’d volunteer as tribute if it meant not needing to read bad fanfics anymore.

Rainbow: Well, either way, I’m glad the story took the time to add in that pointless bit of narrative aside.  Otherwise I’d have never known that she had an uncle who was completely inconsequential to the plot!

That was the only pleasing thought that entered my mind as Princess Celestia walked around, eyeing me, complementing and even praising me for my “snap to attention” appearance.

Matt: Bow-chicka?

Rainbow: Meh, whatever.  Go for it.

Matt: BOW-CHICKA-BOW WOW!

I was hoping that my brother was faring much better.

Rainbow: Much... better?

Matt: Better than being praised by your nation’s sovereign ruler?

Rainbow: This character could win the lottery, while being buried under adorable kittens and puppies, while saving the known world from a bomb and narrating her best-selling autobiography, and she’d still find a way to moan about it and make it negative.

Time passed slower than anything. When Celestia was finished with her inspection, she told me to go to the guest room in the castle and relax.

Matt: “I had to ask somepony how to do that, though.”

Rainbow: “I relaxed once.  It was awful.”

It was comfortable, I’ll admit that, but I was starting to worry about my family and how they were fairing.

Rainbow: Is this the 90% dead family?  Yeah, I bet they’re fine.

Matt: Maybe they were all at the State Fair or something.  Because otherwise, she’d wonder about how they were faring.

As I was starting to turn towards the window to stargaze,

Matt: Wait, so it’s night all of a sudden?  I’m getting whiplash from this story.

which kept me calm, the door opened and there stood my younger brother, smiling.

Rainbow: How dare he smile!  Doesn’t he know the world is wretched and miserable?!

“Hey there,” he said. “I’ve got great news! I’m to be one of Luna’s guards, and work in rotation with someone on Celestia’s guard, but they don’t know who yet.”

Matt: Gee, I just wonder...

Rainbow: *sighs*

I smiled at him and chuckled.

Matt: Of course that is the thing that seems OOC to me.

I then noticed a Cutie Mark on his flanks-A dragon surrounded by a flame aura.

Rainbow: He literally lived for his entire childhood without a cutie mark?  Yeesh, maybe the Crusaders do have something to worry about.

He grinned at me.

“I found my specialty-fire spells,” he said.

Matt: “They were under the couch!”

“Found it while you were being inspected by Celestia. Since our parents never gave either of us a name, I decided to take up the name “Dragonstorm” to match my Cutie Mark.”

Rainbow: *snorts and chokes, falling over the side of the couch, coughing and laughing*

Matt: You have got to be kidding me.  Who the hell doesn’t name their freaking children?  Maybe nopony liked our hero in school because she didn’t have a cutie mark or a freaking name!

Rainbow: And that’s the name he picks?  It’s like letting a five-year-old name themselves.

Matt: Did the name come with tribal tattoos and a douchey fauxhawk, or is that optional to add later on?

I smiled and the two of us sat down and stargazed for several minutes. Once we had finished, the two of us turned and were preparing for bed, with Dragonstorm taking the bed and me taking the floor

Matt: What a noble brother he is, putting his sister on the freaking floor for the night.  Not even a couch.

when there came a knock at the door.

Rainbow: What a forward knock, just coming up to your door like that.

“Come in,” Dragonstorm said.

Princess Celestia came in and looked at me. She had a gleam in her eye that I didn’t know at all.

Rainbow: Well, to be fair, you only met her an hour ago.

Matt: That gleam came from the fact that after Celestia heard what name her brother chose for himself, she laughed herself to orgasm.

“After some deliberation with my sister, we agreed that you would be great to work in guard rotation with your younger brother,” she said.

Matt: Because that makes sense.  Militaries love to put siblings in the same unit.

Rainbow: Who cares?  It’s not like they have any next-of-kin to notify if something happens.

“Luna would like you to take up night duties tomorrow night.

Rainbow: I’ve heard of on-the-job training, but never for a soldier.

Matt: I can’t wait for the first time they have to use a grenade.  That would be hilarious.

As for your younger brother, I will request his appearance in the main hall.”

“Yes, M’Lady,” we said.

Matt: Because a “lady” is a thing that exists in Equestria shut up.

Rainbow: Maybe it’s a contracted form of “malady”, and they’re saying that Celestia makes them sick?

“You best get some sleep, both of you,” she said.

We agreed and settled down to sleep. My mind drifted off to the thought of being one of the Princess’s Elite guards. I didn’t know what Dragonstorm was dreaming of, but he was snoring contentedly.

Matt: The bastard.

Rainbow: Bet that bed was comfortable.  Hope you sleep well.  I’ll just be here on the floor, shivering!

When first light came, Dragonstorm was out the door and trotting to the main hall, where he was to meet Celestia and accept official duty.

Rainbow: Unfortunately, he was disqualified from the race.

Matt: Everypony knows you have to wait for the fourth light before you start the race.  It’s red, red, red, then green.

I sleep for another twenty minutes before I yawned around and finally woke up.

Matt and Rainbow: HOW DID I USING TENSE?

Once I had cleaned myself up,

Rainbow: That floor was hella dusty.

I headed off to the headquarters of Celestia and Luna’s guard units. It was there, that I would receive my orders and my armor.

‘At last!’ I thought. ‘Proper work at last!’

Matt: Okay, so, I’m figuring at least eighteen years old, no name, no cutie mark, and no JOB up to now.  I can see why she thinks that she’s perfect.

Rainbow: *eyerolls*

I wasn’t like most ponies, who preferred to take things easy. I had an incurable itch to be busy

Rainbow: Well, this is news to us.  Yet again, we haven’t seen this pony do anything aside from sitting and stargazing out of a window.  That’s literally the only thing she’s done so far.

and often times that got me bullied about and even laughed at, saying that I was way too crazy for this world.

Matt: Where the hell does she live that a pony who likes to work is seen as insane?

Rainbow: I’ve seen a World of Cardboard before, but a World of Strawmen is a new trick to me.

I would do my best to ignore them, but it started to be picked up by that one “uncle” who I hated.

Matt: Holy crap, he’s back!  I’m stunned!

When the news was told to him, he finally left, saying I was nothing.

Rainbow: ...

Matt: ...

Matt and Rainbow: WHAT?!

Several days later, he was found, in a ravine, dead.

Rainbow: *snorts* Of course he was.

He had been in such a temper that he lost his footing and being an Earth Pony, he had no spells or wings to save him.

Matt: *doubles over laughing*  I can’t even.  This freaking story.

Rainbow: I know right?  Let’s sum up:  A pegasus filly who never did anything and yet apparently still has a burning need to be busy disappoints her uncle so much by not being lazy that he forgets how to walk and dies in a hole, has almost all of her family die offscreen, and gets accepted into Celestia’s guard corps because she’s an orphan.

Matt: It’s just so... awful!

Me and my brother didn’t shed any tears, seeing as that “uncle” never talked with my younger brother and was nasty to me.

Rainbow: Convenient excuse is convenient.

With him gone, we could focus on our jobs.

Matt: That we got because of reasons.

However, we weren’t through with shocks and blows.

Rainbow: That really just sounds like the worst, kinkiest weekend ever.

Matt: Isn’t that supposed to be my line?

Rainbow: Yeah, well, I can’t let you have all the fun if the story’s gonna be this bad.

Three days later, me and Dragonstorm were summoned to Princess Luna’s chambers.

Matt: For reference, apparently her name is “me”.

For her to summon us herself was unusual, seeing as she had plenty of messengers, but for her to summon us to her quarters alone was out of the ordinary.

Rainbow: They would know this, having been employed at the palace for all of eight hours.

“What did we do?” Dragonstorm asked me.

“I don’t know,” I replied.

I knocked on the door.

“Come,” came the reply.

Matt: That... is a gloriously bad line.  It might just be the most spectacularly awful thing I’ve ever read.  It’s practically meta.

I gently pushed open the door and Luna stood, tears in her eyes. I glanced around, no Celestia.

Rainbow: Homicide, I’m calling it.

Confusion mounted like trash in the landfill until Luna spoke.

Matt: This isn’t a trollfic, right?  These similes aren’t intentional, right?  Right?

“It’s about your parents and baby sister,” she said, wiping tears. “They’re…dead.”

Rainbow: Weren’t they already dead before?  Or was that some other “most of my family” who were already dead?

Matt: Make up your freaking mind, story.

Nobody said anything. Silence and pain made themselves known.

Rainbow: Probably by walking up and telling each character in sequence that they were supposed to be sad.

Dragonstorm buried his face under my chin and began to cry. Luna was losing a battle of holding her tears back. I simply stood, rooted to the spot. It took me several minutes to find my voice.

Matt: “I’m gettin’ too old for this shit...”

“What happened?” I asked.

Matt: “The author decided that your life wasn’t stupidly, implausibly sad enough, but he can’t write actual conflict or drama, so this is what you get.”

Rainbow: Deal with it, yo.

“Their train ran into a landslide. Their coach was completely crushed and there were no survivors from the accident,” she said. “Celestia has gone to inspect the scene.”

Rainbow: Speaking of which, why is Luna sad?  She’s known these ponies for all of eight or nine hours in one’s case, and about four minutes for the other one.  And I don’t believe for a second that this is the first time she’s had to tell a pony this news in the last few thousand years.

Matt: Seriously.  How about a little professional detachment, eh, Luna?  We know the nameless protagonist is a walking Sue-shaped box of cliches, but could you not reinforce the notion at least?

I nodded, then listening to my brother’s sorrow, I turned to Luna.

“May I request some time off?” I asked. “To help comfort my brother and see him through this whole ordeal?”

“I can grant that,” she said. “You two are going to need each other right now.”

Matt: Why the hell not?  I mean, it’s only your first freaking day on the job, why wouldn’t you need time away?  You wanna schedule some vacation next week while you’re at it?

Rainbow: But, how will she survive without working constantly?

Matt: I’m guessing the same way she did for the last twenty years or so.

I thanked her again and lead my brother to our room, where he was placed on the bed. I stayed with him, letting him cry on my shoulder. I didn’t let it bother me on the outside, but I was completely torn up on the inside.

Rainbow: Crying is too mainstream for Nonconformitist Pony.

I waited until he was done and after speaking softly to him, I let him go to bed and I decided to go out and stargaze on a hill near the castle.

Matt: Good, good, that “need to stay busy” is really helping you along.

Sitting under a tree, I looked up and sighed. I had been hoping for the best and instead I got the worst.

Rainbow: You wouldn’t know the “best” if it kicked you in the snout, you navel-gazing pile of simpering emo.

I let my head drop down, as the night air wasn’t clearing my head. Slowly climbing to my feet, I saw Luna coming towards me.

“Clearing your head?” she asked.

Matt: Did you read the previous sentence?  Can you see the Matrix?  Are—are you GOD?!

I nodded. She stopped and sat down, then beckoned with one of her wings for me to do the same. I did so and she looked at me.

Rainbow: I know stuff should seem like it’s happening here, but all I can think of is that stupid emo fic we did where Twilight takes forever to die.  “Luna sat down.  She told me to sit down.  I sat down.”

Matt: It’s either a lesson on conjugation, or the writer hasn’t made it beyond “See Dick Run” yet in school.

“I want you to remember something,” she told me. “Your family who cared for you maybe gone physically, but they’re with you in your heart.”

Matt: Convenient, because they were never there in physical form at all.  Literally, we know nothing about them other than they used to exist, sorta.

I smiled faintly, but I started to feel my position in the family now. Being the oldest meant that I had to not only look after myself, but I had to look after my younger brother and make sure that everything was up to scratch. The responsibility overload began to show and Luna encouraged me to take things slowly.

Rainbow: No you don’t, the plot will conveniently allow you to never experience these things unless he wants you to look pitiful and distressed.

Matt: That’s disturbing when you put it that way, but I can’t exactly dispute it.

“You’re under a lot of stress and pain from the news of your family’s tragic death,” she said. “I still want you to take it easy for another few days.

Matt: You’ve just been working way too hard.  I mean, first you stood there and let Celestia look at you and apparently make passes at you, and then you went to sleep!  Stop and think about yourself for a change!

From there, I’m going to tell my sister to have you put on light duties. As you recover, bit by bit, we’ll move you both into full time rotational duties.”

Rainbow: The first thing in this story that’s been logical!

I agreed and we walked back to the castle, where we parted ways. Dragonstorm was sleeping, but his cheeks were redder than his bright red coat.

Matt: How?  Was he on fire?  Did he swallow a flashlight?  Is he genetically part ambulance siren?

I could still sense the pain lingering over him like a mighty weapon of destruction.

Rainbow: Weapons of mass destruction linger over people?

Matt: Why do I get the idea this writer just loved Final Fantasy 13?

Being the caring big brother that I was,

Matt: Woah, woah, woah, back that train up.  Did this character just change freaking gender?

Rainbow: That’s not even a “he/she” error, either, that’s a full-on fuckup.

I gingerly moved him with my magic, climbed into bed and let him curl up next to me. Being a big brother wasn’t all serious, it had it’s tender moments tied to it as well.

Rainbow: If only we’d seen some of that tenderness LAST night when you spent the night on the freaking floor!

Days passed and the wounds were healing, but it was still going to be a long process.

Matt: Clever.  A competent author might have shown us that sort of healing happening, but that’s awfully mainstream.

As we showed signs of making headway, we were placed on light duties. Dragonstorm worked along Thestrals while I worked along side other Unicorns, Pegasi and Earth Ponies.

Rainbow: Other... how?  That wording seems to imply that Me isn’t a pegasus.

My superiors were  Staff Sergeant Blazewinds and Lance Corporal Ice Blade. Both were rather nasty to me, because I was a simple Unicorn with a memory that makes all filing systems look outdated.

Matt: Okay, so now he/she isn’t a pegasus?  What the actual fuck, man?

Rainbow: And is that another new power with no precedent that exists solely to make the protagonist look good compared to everypony else in the story?  I think it is!

Matt: The Wall-O-Sue™ is more checkmarks than white space at this point.

They did anything to just mess me over.

Matt: Because the Anti-Sue must always have a reason to be angsty and whiny!

Skipping my promotions, putting me on all odd duties, giving me days off that I didn’t need. You name it, they did it. I took it in stride and learned to live with it.

Rainbow: Of course, he cried him-or-herself to sleep every night while fantasizing about cutting, but that technically qualifies as “living with it”.

According to some local gossip, Dragonstorm was making friends with Princess Luna’s guards, which are Thestrals.

Matt: Which is a thing that means something shut up.

To me, that was a surprise, mainly because Thestrals were uptight and had a tendency to be rather closed off to outsiders.

Rainbow: I think our protagonist is just making crap up, not just the author.  This is the most unreliable narrator I’ve ever seen.

Then again, he was more outgoing and willing to make friends than I was.

Matt: Making friends would get in the way of his “My Chemical Romance Time”.

All my time in the Canterlot schools built up a brick wall exoskeleton, with no cracks.

Rainbow: This guy’s metaphorical emo bangs reach to the floor, dude.

When I worked night shifts, I was approached by some Thestrals, one of which was easy going.

Matt: Which, we remind you, was weird because they’re all pricks.

One thing about him was that he tended to choose his words carefully and it started with him and I going out to the local doughnut joint in Canterlot when on break and he’d break down my walls while we ate doughnuts and drank cocoa.

Rainbow: Dear.  Celestia.  What in Equestria is that monstrosity of a sentence?

Matt: I’m really hoping that “he’d break down my walls” is a euphemism, because otherwise this is just freakin’ boring.

One bitterly cold night, a few days before Heartswarming Eve, he and I were at the local doughnut joint. We had the night off and I decided to repay his kindness by buying the doughnuts and cocoa.

“I wanted to ask you something rather personal,” the Thestral said. “If you don’t mind?”

“Go ahead,” I said.

“What were your parent’s like?” he asked.

Matt: My parent’s what?  Their clothes?

Rainbow: Their eyes?

Matt: Their bank accounts?

Rainbow: Their hideous screaming death?

I took a deep breath and after hiding the pain,

Matt: My God, he’s like Batman.  Except somehow less interesting in every way.

Rainbow: All he ever does is hide pain.  He’s so good at it that we can’t see any evidence of pain in his life whatsoever!

I explained at how they were the sweetest pair of ponies that anypony could have ever asked for.

Rainbow: Offscreen, of course.

“Now, I want to ask you why you refuse to show pain and let other ponies help you? Friends are the best healing method I know of,” the Thestral said.

Matt: “But Papa Roach taught me that it’s not cool to heal!”

“Well, given how cruelly I was treated when I was in the Canterlot School System

Matt: Anecdotally.

and how many of the residents of the Crystal Empire treated me and my younger brother,

Rainbow: Allegedly.

seeing as we’re not crystal ponies, I decided that having friends would be a bigger burden than it was worth,” came the reply.

Rainbow: You know, we really only have Me’s word that any of this actually happened, and given how he described himself as a FILLY and a PEGASUS earlier on, I’m not inclined to believe that any of it is true.

He nodded gravely, then said that I should attempt to make friends. This was something that I didn’t want to do, but I figured that if I made friends, then maybe things would look up.

Matt: Lolnope.  NO LAUGHS NOW, ONLY TEARS.

Of course, the two of us had hit it off and became good friends. He introduced himself as Battery Sergeant Major Shaydefire.

Rainbow: Just how many freaking ranks are there in this army?

I introduced myself as Peon n No-Name, seeing as I was never given a name.

Matt: Are you fucking kidding me?  That’s seriously the best you could do?

Rainbow: How about Sir Whiny Bitchpants?

Matt: Useless Von Crybaby?

Rainbow: Emo McEmoEmo?

Matt: He’s the emo-est!

From there, things were looking up. I was given the unofficial name of “Dipper” as he noticed my tendency to “dip” into other duties.

Matt: Okay, that has got to be a euphemism.

Rainbow: Why does everything in this story happen offscreen with no explanation?!

However, things were also crashing down around me.

Matt: Really?  You sure about that?  I’m just not sure I can accept such an unforeseen twist!

Rainbow: Seriously, who could have seen this coming?

My two superior officers when I was on guard duties for Celestia kept giving me the unpleasant duties and would pass me up for promotion, promoting guys who couldn’t find the broadside of a barn if they were locked inside.

Rainbow: No reasons given, of course.

Matt: With just a little reading between the lines, I can guess that it’s because he keeps not doing his job and wasting time with other ponies’ jobs.  You know, because he has to stay busy and all that.

Rainbow: Or maybe because he was recruited for a job with absolutely no practical or demonstrable skills or talents?  Or even a motherbucking name?

The newly promoted dim bulbs loved to get physical and assault me, while the superiors looked the other way.

Matt: Wow.  Even in the Bible, Job didn’t have it as bad as this guy.  I’ve read plenty of implausible stuff in my day, but this not only takes the cake, it shoplifts an entire bakery.

‘If they’re happy, why stop?’ I thought one night, after being so warmly bashed about for doing my duties.

Rainbow: Why... stop...  Is he suggesting that he should let them beat him up because it makes them happy?!

Matt: Wow.  I think I would actually like to show this author something that’s really worth being mopey about.  I’m sure suburbia’s plenty rough, man, but he’s got more than a few things to learn about life.

Shaydefire decided enough was enough and after my brother came back with his front left leg broken, he decided that a deputation was necessary.

Matt: His brother now?  What the hell?  Did he make the mistake of telling them the stupid name he picked out for himself?

After telling me and my brother to take the night off, he was gone for some hours.

“Do you think we’ll be fine in this kind of environment?” Dragonstorm asked me. “Constantly being battered about?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I really don’t know.”

Rainbow: I’m kind of hoping it doesn’t change.  I’m starting to agree that they might deserve it.

Matt: An author can only expect the audience to accept so much in a character before they just give up and say “You know what?  I’m with the antagonists now.  Fuck this dude.”

It tore me up having to say that, as I always had the answer to any problem and could make it better,

Matt: Ah, there’s that offscreen perfection we keep hearing so much about.

but this blocked me at the start line. As I was thinking of a way around the blockage, Shaydefire returned and was beaming.

Rainbow: You should flash your brights at him, get him to turn those things down.

“Princess Luna and Princess Celestia are coming here to see you both,” he said, beaming.

Matt: Again.  Unnecessarily.

“I take it something good is coming our way?” Dragonstorm asked him.

Rainbow: Death, if there’s any mercy for us.

I was reading the Thestral’s face and he was hiding nothing. I smiled in reply and thanked him. He stood by the door and waited. Soon, the two princesses appeared and after Luna healed Dragonstorm’s leg, she and Celestia looked at us and asked us to explain everything, which we did.

Matt: Wow.  Thank God there’s no chance of any sort of suspense, intrigue, interest, engagement, drama, or subtlety here, or else I might actually start to pay attention to this story!

Rainbow: Yeah, we really dodged a bullet there.

“So, I hired disreputable guards to be your superiors?” Celestia asked, her brows lowering darkly. “Luna, time we showed these “superiors” who’s in charge!”

Rainbow: Wow.  Nice to know that the bullies work for an even bigger bully.

Luna agreed and the two left. I didn’t like the sound of that at all. Given Celestia’s banishment policy, I was prepared to see them banished. Instead of seeing them banished, we got to make them angry.

Matt: What, did you poke them with sticks?  I’m sure they were never angry before while they beat the living hell out of you, so this seems like a great solution to me.

The day before Hearthswarming Eve,

Rainbow: I think this is the only day that exists in the author’s world.  It’s like Groundhog Day, except that instead of chuckling at Bill Murray, I want to die.

Luna summoned us to the conference room. When we entered, there were the guards and superior officers. Celestia was glaring around the room, and after I shut the door, she tore into the superior officers and the guards for poor conduct and disrespect.

Matt: Blood went everywhere.

“I will grant you one more chance,” she hissed. “Blow it this time and say hello to the moon for two thousand years!”

Rainbow: What, were the previous few years not enough of a pattern of behavior for you, Tia?

That scared them stiff.

Matt: BOW-CHICKA—

Rainbow: Oh, give it up.

Luna then turned to me and my brother. She was smiling broadly and passed both of us a sly wink.

“Ready?” she asked.

“Ready for what?” I quizzed.

“Ready to make up for your missed ranks?” she asked.

Rainbow: It’s widely recognized that there’s no one in the entire kingdom as rank as you two!

“Please,” me and Dragonstorm chorused.

She had us close our eyes and wait a few minutes.

Matt: Oh, this just seems like it’s going to be dirty.  Or cruel.  One or the other.

Soon, she ordered us to open them. I looked up and noticed a horn, similar in fashion to a Unicorn, but I could still feel and even see my wings. My brother gained wings, while he still had his horn.

“We’re now Alicorns?” I asked.

Rainbow: *falls off the couch laughing*

Matt: *pounds on the arm of the chair in laughter*

Rainbow: BWAHAHAHAHA!  Oh, no, oh jeez...

Matt: Sure, Twilight took most of a season of searching, but these two get ascended to Godhood simply by getting the hell beat out of them!  Whoo...

Rainbow: Worst.  Deities.  EVER.

Matt: Pussitas, Roman god of getting the crap kicked out of him!

“Yes,” Luna said. “It should make up for your ranks and hopefully give you both a new outlook on being in the guard.”

We thanked them both and smiled sweetly at the seething superior officers.

Matt: I can’t wait to see a pair of alicorns get the hell beat out of them in the next scene.

Shaydefire came and to congratulate us on making up lost ranks, we went for doughnuts and cocoa.

Rainbow: The weeaboo!  It’s over NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAAAAND!

He was smiling, feeling pleased with himself. I thanked him for all that he did, even going against superior officers.

“Breach of rules is not a good thing,” he said. “Anyone who breaches the rules deserves full punishment.”

Matt: But what if the rules are breech-loaders?  You have to clear them whenever you enter a building to avoid accidents!

I agreed and we ate our doughnuts and drank our cocoa in contented peace. When we returned, we found that we were now in charge of the Elite guard while our superior officers were on leave.

Rainbow: That’s code for “they quit rather than serve under the world’s wimpiest ponies”.

I was in charge of Celestia’s Elite Guard while Dragonstorm was in charge of Luna’s Elite Guard. With us in charge, we ran them efficiently and made sure that everything was to regulation.

Matt: Despite having no experience and not having done anything in the guard to date that would demonstrate any level of competence.

From there, I gained a reputation for being a rules heavy leader,

Rainbow: He just kept eating rules all the time, gained a ton of weight.