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Lyra's Human 2: Derpy's Human

by pjabrony

Chapter 95: 92: Hoarderps

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Karyn filed away her latest essay, then just opened a drawer and tossed it in. She hadn’t confirmed with Derpy what would be their schedule for that day, and she didn’t know if Derpy would be arriving on time.

But the sound of Derpy’s arrival came as usual, and Karyn said hello and waited for Derpy to make her visual inspection. Instead, she gave the same embarrassed smile back.

“You know, we never actually set up a pony to come to Earth this week!”

“No, we didn’t. But that actually works out better this week. Look at this place. It’s not suitable to have a guest in.”

“It isn’t? Then I’ll leave.” Derpy reached for the spell she had just put back in her bag, and Karyn could never be sure if she was joking or not, so she quickly jumped up and her hand on Derpy’s hoof.

“I don’t mean you. You’re not a guest. You’re practically family by now. What I mean is that I wouldn’t want somepony like Rainbow Dash who doesn’t know me that well to come and see my apartment this week.”

“You know, we never said that we have to have ponies coming to earth every week. Honestly, when you agreed to it, I was happy, but I also was afraid it would mean the end of our Sundays when it was just the two of us.”

Karyn got out of the chair and turned her grasp of Derpy’s arm into a full hug. “I never intended that. I was actually hoping someone would suggest having the ponies in on some other day so that our Sundays could be preserved. Obviously that’s not feasible, but if we can take the time some times to just have a day together, that’s best for everyone.”

“Except for the pony who would be coming and then has to wait.”

"Yes. Although not even that pony, because she or he would definitely get to come eventually. If there is some fininte number of ponies who we would invite, then whoever would miss out because of us not having a pony over this week, that's the pony for whom it's not best."

Derpy nodded, but not in agreement, since she was not looking at Karyn. Instead, she was processing the sentence until she said, "Yeah! That makes sense. You're really an organized thinker."

"Unfortunately I'm not an organized organizer. I've got way too much junk in this place."

"You keep saying that, but I'm not seeing it today. Everything is dusted and polished and everything is neatly in its place."

Karyn walked over to a cabinet with stacked shelves. "Exactly, and every place has something in it. I've got too much clutter, and that's not good."

"It's not as bad as having things out of place. But if that's your pet peeve, I can agree with that. It's better than not having one at all. You have to have something that motivates you to do a task. It's like, if you're hungry, you cook; and if you're tired, you finish up your chores so that you can go to bed; and if you see your pet peeve, that makes you tidy it up."

"That's really insightful, Derpy. But it doesn't help solve my problem. I feel like a hoarder with everything I've collected. When I was living in the dorm it didn't seem as much, because most of it was still at my folks' house. But they're transitioning it all to me so that when I finally go out on my own, when I finish school, I won't have to move from two places."

Derpy trotted over to the cabinet. "I understand. I've had to move houses on occasion, and yes it's always trouble. But this doesn't seem all that bad. We could take it all and put it in the closet, for example."

"No, we can't."

"Oh, we might need some shelving or some way to organize it in there as well, but it's an option."

Karyn walked to the closet. "No, like I'm saying, we can't." She opened it, and Derpy braced herself, closing her eyes. When no sound of explosion was heard, she opened them again.

"That wasn't too bad," she said. "I was afraid you had the contents under pressure."

"That's one of those things that only happens in Equestria or other cartoon worlds."

Derpy approached the closet, still expecting some sort of reaction. Instead, she saw the closet filled to waist height with clutter. It was mostly in piles, but here and there a tower of books or CDs would have tipped onto its side.

Now it was Karyn's turn to wince as she expected Derpy to yell, or at least ask her a question that should be rhetorical, like, "How could you let this happen?" But Derpy just looked the scene over.

"I understand," she said. "All of these things, especially the books, even if they're not valuable, they don't seem worthless. You feel bad about throwing away a book or a CD."

"Exactly! Like..." Karyn reached for the nearest CD case. "Like if someday I need the drivers for the video card that I replaced in the computer I had before I got my laptop. Bad example."

She took the CD to the trash and tossed it in, case and all.

"If you're willing to throw some of them out, you're not a hoarder."

"Yeah, but I do wish I could get some use out of them. Or sell them."

Derpy brightened up. “That’s a great idea! Since I know you have so many issues with your budget, this is a chance to get a little extra money that doesn’t have to be accounted for.”

“Money without accounting for it? You’re talking my dream.”

“But selling isn’t easy. It’s going to take a lot of work to make sure you get the right price for all your stuff.”

Karyn raced back to the computer. “I don’t care about getting the right price for it. Just so long as I get any money, I’m happy. I’m more concerned with getting it out of the apartment and having more space. So let’s go to some selling web sites.”

She pulled up several tabs at once with different web sites, and looked into selling on all of them. Over her shoulder, Derpy watched. “Ooh, go to the one with all the white space.”

“That could be good, and listing the ads are free, but it involves meeting the person who’s buying…in person, and I’m scared of that.”

“Why? You can just change yourself into someone who won’t be attacked.”

“Yeah,” said Karyn half-heartedly, “but there are still ways that can go wrong. No, what I’d like is to just have send all the stuff to a warehouse and have the web site sell it for me. Even if they only give me a few pennies on the dollar, it’s better than nothing.”

“All right, let’s go to one of the other sites.”

Karyn flipped over to a page with a more complicated design. “I buy from here all the time, and they’re really good with service. They have things like one-click buying. I’m hoping they’re as good from the other side.”

She reached the selling side of the web site, and Derpy noticed the difference immediately. Though the colors were similar, it was much less inviting, and the text took up more of the screen. It was clearly a site for people who were accustomed to using it, and not designed for ease of use. Still, Karyn reached the screen where she could list an item for sale.

“OK, it says that the company will handle all the storage and listing itself, which is what I want. In theory, I should just be able to print a label and ship it to them.”

“But it wants a bar code. Your stuff won’t have that, will it?”

“It might, but let’s keep it simpler for now.” Karyn rummaged in the closet and pulled out five squat metal objects. “I got these hard drives from when I was experimenting with RAID arrangements a while back. I should be able to search for them and get the number for the bar code at the same time.”

She opened another tab and went back to the buying site. Moments later, she had the information and proceeded.

“You’re really good at this,” said Derpy. “Is this really your first time?”

“Yes, but I know how computers and web sites work. That’s about the only inborn skill I have.”

“But you’re making it into your career. That’s a good thing. You’re following your destiny, which we know from your cutie mark.”

Karyn went back to typing. “Never mind that. Let’s get these out of here. I hope there’s like a drop-off place to save me the shipping costs.”

There were none, and in fact once she had gotten past that part, the web site got more confusing, and was clearly intended for small businesses that used the web portal for high volume. But at last they got a label.

“This is kind of fun.” Derpy pulled the label off Karyn’s printer. “Now let’s put it on.”

“Hm. That’s going to be a problem.”

“Why?”

“I don’t have any boxes.”

Derpy made a quick circle around the apartment in the air. It was a combination of a search to confirm Karyn’s assessment and a loop of joy that she could help. “I have boxes back home! I’ll go and get one that’ll be perfect for these.”

She ran for her spell bag, and from Karyn’s time-frozen perspective it looked like the box just appeared in her hoof. Karyn didn’t even know that ponies had cardboard, but there it was in front of her. Instead of being corrugated, though, it was just extra-thick. But this was not what caught her eye.

“I don’t know if this is a good box.”

Derpy thumped the side. “It’s plenty strong.”

“That’s not what worries me. Do I really want to send stuff in a box marked ‘Hornton’s Horn Polish?’ It’s practically a dead giveaway that unicorns exist.”

“No it isn’t. First off, the most likely thing that’s going to happen is that whoever gets this box is going to open it, see what’s inside, not read the outside of the box, and just throw it into the trash.”

Karyn nodded noncommittally. “Into recycling, but go on.”

“And even if they don’t, they’ll think it’s something for Earth animals, like for anyone who’s had taxidermy done on a beloved pet goat or something.”

“I don’t really think that will be the case, but your first point does make sense. Wait, why do you have a box of horn polish anyway? Or did you just get this from a shop somewhere?”

“I bought it for Dinky,” said Derpy.

“A whole box?”

“I got a good deal.”

“All right, let’s get this packed away.” Karyn took the box and set it up on her desk. She put the first hard drive in, then kept stacking. “I don’t think this is going to work. The box isn’t tall enough.”

“Try putting them in sideways.”

“That’s no good, then not even one will fit in.”

Derpy took the box. “This has to work. You can see that the box is much bigger than the drives.”

“Yes, but I don’t think we can use all the space efficiently. And even if we do, we’re going to need something to secure it.”

“There’s got to be a way.” She played around with all dimensions and orientations. “The problem is that even in width the drives take up more than half of the length of the box, so we can’t put two of them together.”

“Right. We can’t cut them in half. They’d be worthless then.”

“What if they could be restored afterwards? I have a spell that might work.” Derpy reached into her bag.

“No, that’s even worse. Someone might not notice the mention of horn polish on the outside, but hard drives that are snapped in half and then restore themselves magically is going to freak people out and make them trace it back to me.”

“Should I go for another box?”

Karyn took the drives one more time. “No, you’ll probably go and get a box for something like wing wash or mane and tail shampoo or something. Here’s what we’re going to do. If I put them in flat, then I put this piece of cardboard on top, once I force the top closed, it’ll be covered.”

“Is that fair? Then the box isn’t a cube.”

“It never would have been a cube, but a rectangular prism. I don’t think that matters. I hope it doesn’t.”

She took the cardboard and a thick roll of packing tape and closed the box as tightly as she could. It felt in her hands like it was under pressure, but she knew that was illusion. She led Derpy to the car and looked up the nearest postal store.

“Can’t we go to the regular post office?” asked Derpy.

“No, they insist I use a private courier.”

“That kind of offends me as a postal worker, you know? You should have your choice of how you send it.”

Karyn shrugged and put the car into gear.

The postal store was on a busy turnpike of many stores, and Karyn couldn’t slow down as much as she wanted to before turning into the parking lot, lest the car behind her speed into her, or at least get angry for having to slow down.

The store was not crowded, and Karyn figured that it was because it was Sunday and there was almost no business traffic. Indeed, the store was only open for four hours that day. She went up to the counter with Derpy following invisibly.

The clerk was nice, but did look down at Karyn’s packing job and told her that most packages did come in looking better.

“Yes, well, I’m not a business, I’m just trying to use the web site for a little extra cash and to get rid of things I don’t need. It should be easier to do this.”

The clerk quoted her a price, and she handed over her debit card. She was about to walk out, but Derpy had to grab the receipt and shove it into Karyn’s purse. The clerk did a double-take, but Karyn didn’t notice.

Back in the car, Derpy ducked down and briefly turned off her invisibility. She scowled at Karyn and then restored her transparency.

“What was that for?”

“To make clear my disgust by my facial expression. You know how much of communication is nonverbal. I wanted to make that clear.”

Karyn laughed. “All right, well, what are you disgusted at?”

“How much they charged you! Basically, even if you sell one of those hard drives, you’ll only break even on the shipping costs. That’s not the way to make money!”

Karyn’s laughter continued as she pulled back onto the road, thankful for a break in the traffic.

“It’s serious! At the post office, we would never charge that much for something that light.”

“Well, Equestrian economy is different. I just have to live with that. Again, I’m just looking to get stuff out of my apartment. If I had to pay just to make a few items disappear, I’d be OK with that. If I break even, so much the better, and if I make money, it’s a bonus. But the main thing is to break myself of the hoarding habit.”

Derpy didn’t say anything, and a few minutes later, they got back to Karyn’s apartment. This time, when Derpy went visible, her expression was more pensive.

“I see your point,” she said. “I guess I’ve never been afraid of being a hoarder because I’ve never had that much to hoard.”

“Aww. You should feel good about it because you’ve earned everything you have. Half of the books and CDs I have in here are gifts. Which should probably make me feel guilty about selling them, but it doesn’t.”

“You’re going to need a lot more boxes. I’ll save any that I come across, and I’ll try to find ones that don’t have markings.”

“I’ll appreciate that,” said Karyn. She went back to the cabinet that had first attracted her attention and picked up an old speaker. Now I’ll have a little room to get rid of this.”

Taking it back to the closet, she deposited the speaker where the hard drives had been, then turned back to the apartment.

“You got something accomplished today, which is good, even if it was only a small start.”

“You think so? I think the apartment looks better already.”

Derpy laughed at that and dashed across the room. “There is plenty of room, but I think it was always like that.”

With no real plan in mind, Karyn adjusted some of the other ornaments and items she had collected over the years. It accomplished little more than burning off nervous energy, but it seemed to make her happy. “Yes, in a year or so, I’ll definitely have this place in shape. Then it’ll be time to move again, but such is life.”

“Is something bothering you?”

“I know I was being brave about it before, but the truth is that I really did hope that I would get some money out of this. I just haven’t been able to go out and spend money like I used to before I came to school, and even though it’s been so many years, I still miss it.”

“Oh, poor Karyn,” said Derpy.

“You’re making fun of me.”

“No, I really mean it. I’ve seen how much you have to spend, and you always need new clothes because you wear them every day. Unless you go changeling.”

Karyn nodded. “Yeah, maybe I should find a way to parlay my magic into making money.”

“Can you do that? You could do like Colgate and become a dentist.”

“No, I was just kidding. That again would be a dead giveaway, the kind we don’t want to do. And even if I did I certainly wouldn’t become a dentist. I don’t like the sight of blood.”

Karyn had calmed down, and now it was Derpy who got to look around the apartment. However much clutter was there, it worked for her as a clean unit.

“I think this place is definitely ready for somepony to come visit next week. Can you keep it clean until then?”

“No, but I can get it back to this state by next Saturday. Take your time bringing whoever it is. I might be putting away the breakfast dishes from Sunday when you get in.”

Derpy feigned shock. “You would eat breakfast without me?”

“If you brought the other pony late because you were worried about the breakfast dishes.”

“Now you’re making fun of me.”

“Maybe just a little,” said Karyn. “I have to make my own fun, because like I said it’s hard for me to spend any money.”

“We’ll get you past that someday. For right now, be glad that you’re getting into good habits.”

“It’s out of necessity too. When Rainbow Dash was here, we were hard pressed for space. You ponies are a lot wider than humans. No offense.”

“None taken. If an apartment like this were built for ponies, it would be higher, that way I could stretch my wings more and take up less space.” Derpy demonstrated and hovered near the ceiling. “See, now whoever the other pony was could stand where I was. Unless it was Rainbow, since she usually likes to be in the air when others are grounded. Hey, what’s that?”

“What’s what?”

“There’s a little green-blue envelope here.”

Karyn got up and walked back to where she had picked up the speaker. It was right at eye level for anyone not hovering above, and the envelope blended in with the shelf paper. But when Karyn took it in hand, it wasn’t a paper envelope, it was thin cardboard.

“Oh, my gosh!”

“What is it?”

“It’s a gift card! Someone must have given this to me a while back before I started budgeting, because I always record my gift cards as assets now. And this is one of those ones that’s from a credit card company, so it’s just as good as cash.”

Derpy flew back up to where the card was found. “What was it doing up here then? Shouldn’t you have found it when you moved here?”

“Who knows? Maybe it got stuck to the bottom of the speaker, and I’ve never had occasion to move it since I got here. Now I just have to check to see if it’s still good.”

She raced to her computer and pulled up the web site written on the back of the card. After scratching out the numbers, she put it in.

“Well?” asked Derpy.

“No expiration date, and a balance of a hundred bucks! Derpy, find somepony who wants a good time, because everything next Sunday is on me!”

“Everything is always on you. You have a few bits in Equestria, but I have no dollars here.”

Her smile now one of complete sincerity, Karyn said, “You’re right, but next week we can Do Things, not just get a meal from the cafeteria and watch internet movies. We’ll head into the city and show our guest a good time.”

“So your cleaning did wind up paying after all.”

“I guess it did. If I find a hundred dollars under everything I move, I’ll be very happy…and surprised.”

Author's Notes:

Sorry I was late this week. Meeting at work ran long. But let's see what we've got coming next week!

Derpy fetched Karyn and was halfway back to Equestria when they discussed their guest.

“Did you get somepony? I hope they all weren’t turned off by us skipping last week.”

“No, there was no problem,” Derpy said as she swooped down toward an unfamiliar part of Ponyvile. “Plenty of ponies still want to come, but I owed her a favor, so I put her next on the list.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I’m going to treat you well today, because I found a hundred dollars last week.”

Karyn brought out the gift card, and felt it being tugged out of her hand. “Is this what you use for money here? It’s so different! Can I see some other denominations, or is it like bits where you only have one?”

“That’s not actually our money. Well, it kind of is, because we use credit and debit cards as well. But…it’s complicated.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sheer movement was giving her a sensory overload, and she said in a whisper that was nearly carried away on the wind, “The lights.”

“Beg pardon?” said Derpy.

“The lights! The movement, the buildings, everything! Whoever the princess who rules this city is, she must be amazing.”

Karyn chuckled. “No princess lives here. This isn’t even a capital like Canterlot is.”


Please come back next week and read that one too!

Next Chapter: 93: Derptown Estimated time remaining: 18 Hours, 25 Minutes
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