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Lyra's Human 2: Derpy's Human

by pjabrony

Chapter 59: 56: Can You Derp Me Now?

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Derpy appeared in Karyn’s dorm to find its occupant in motion, hastily trying to sweep crumbs and the remnants of a small party into a trash bin. She spied Derpy and slammed the brush and the dustpan behind her back.

“Good morning, Derpy.”

“Morning. You don’t have to hide it.”

Karyn put down her implements and scratched the back of her head. “I got up extra early and tried to get it back to normal, because I know you’re particular about that, but you caught me.”

“You shouldn’t be ashamed of doing housework, even if it’s not finished when I’m here. But what was going on to make it so messy?”

“I met some other young folk like me, and one thing led to another, and I found myself hosting a little dorm party. Fortunately it was not a true college bash with lots of drinking and drugs. We’re all geeks, so no risk of that. But I was worried someone would stay and pass out and find you here in the morning.”

Derpy laughed at that. “Reminds me of when I was a younger filly.”

“You had that sort of party?”

“Well, no. I meant cleaning up in the morning. I never got invited to many of those sort.”

Karyn put her brush and patted Derpy on the shoulder. “It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. I was more trying to network with an eye toward eventually hitting one of them up for a job.”

“Ah, clever. But you shouldn’t try to exploit people.”

“I’m not being dishonest. That kind of thing is frequent among humans these days. Everything is all about who you know as much as what you know. Of course, I have time, but my folks are always telling me to get out and meet people.”

Derpy nodded. “They’re right. You should. No, it’s a good idea.”

“Derpy, can I ask a brutally honest question? Do you think that knowing you holds me back? I mean, Equestria is a complex place and all, but it’s still a happy fun world, maybe a little childish, when compared with Earth. Part of the reason I agreed to have everyone over is to convince myself that I haven’t lost the ability to make human friends.”

“Hey, listen,” said Derpy, making Karyn smile as she flashed back to an old video game, “friendship doesn’t work that way. The more friends you have, the better you get at making them. Doesn’t matter who it is, pony or human, young or old.”

“That’s sweet, but how can you be sure?”

“You have to look at it in two ways, and I’m good at that. In one sense, making friends is unselfish, because it’s social, but in another way, it’s all about you, since by knowing more people you gain more for yourself. More knowledge, more empathy, more friends.”

“But that’s not selfish,” said Karyn. “I’m not taking anything from my friends that I’m not giving back in kind.”

“Exactly!”

As they settled in to their Sunday morning routine, having their breakfast and talking over the week, Karyn asking Derpy how her diet was going, Derpy responding by asking how much money Karyn had saved, and both of them enjoying the contact high they knew came on their days together, Karyn reflected on Derpy’s point. Even if she could never introduce Derpy to her human friends, she was a connection between them, and that made her important.

Derpy sipped the last of her water and put down her cup. “So, as we get the breakfast dishes cleaned up, what say we finish the job you started?”

“You bet.”

Karyn cleared the table, as she was the only one who could leave the dorm to take the trays back for pickup. She walked quickly, but Derpy was still scooping up trash and depositing it in the bin, then stomping on it to make more room.

“Don’t forget to separate the bottles,” said Karyn.

“Um, OK.” Derpy carefully moved each half-drunk beer and soda to far points in the room. Karyn shook her head and vowed to recycle them later.

At the foot of her bed, Karyn’s purse had overturned, and she picked up the fallen items, taking a quick inventory. “Lipstick, check, wallet…yeah, all the money’s still there, emergency supplies, check. Hmm.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Can’t find my cell phone. It’s usually here in my purse, but I may have taken it out during the party. I hope no one stole it.”

Derpy looked around the room, then said, “If you had your phone, you could use it to call your phone so it would ring, and then you could find out where it is. Oh, but then you wouldn’t need to find it.”

“True, but I wonder if there isn’t some web site that will make an automatic VOIP call if you give it the number.”

She went to her computer and searched for such a site. “Any luck?” asked Derpy.

“Yes. I just hope this doesn’t sign my number up for a bunch of telemarketers. Here goes.”

A muffled chime sounded through the room, and Derpy was the quicker. “I’ll get it!” She dove under the bed, only to emerge with the small device, holding it out to Karyn.

“Oh, buck.”

“Maybe you have been around me too much. You’re even starting to swear like a pony.”

“That’s funny, but look at it.”

Derpy flipped the phone, and saw the shatter pattern of the glass. “Oh, no. What happened?”

“Who knows? Maybe it slipped out, someone dropped something on it, but they didn’t notice. Or maybe they did notice and decided to kick it under the bed rather than darken the mood. Heck, for all I know someone doesn’t like me and they did it on purpose. It’s not worth trying to find out. I’m just going to have to bite the bullet and get a new one.”

“At least you’re being calm about it. I know I’d be pretty depressed if my…um…ponies don’t really have a cell phone equivalent. But if that got broken.”

Karyn took the phone back and looked at the cracked screen. “I’ve had it for so long though.”

“All the more reason why I’m proud of you for not getting upset.”

“No, you don’t understand. For things like phones, an old one isn’t necessarily something you treasure. They update them constantly with lots of new features, and replacing one can be exciting and fun. Also, a lot of times if you haven’t gotten a new one for a while, they give you a discount.”

Derpy didn’t see the connection, but she was happy still. “You’ve got a little money thanks to Rarity’s gift last week, don’t forget.”

“I do, but I’m going to sit on that for a while.”

“Won’t that be uncomfortable?”

Karyn grinned. “We should start a point system where you get one if you catch me in an idiom, and I get one if I catch myself. Let me start over. I’m going to leave the gift alone for a while since it’s going to take me some time to sell it for liquid cash. Which isn’t actually liquid, it’s just the word they use. One point to me. But more to the point, I want to save that to wipe out my tuition debt, and I don’t actually have to start paying that till I graduate.”

“But then, for your phone—“

“For the phone, let’s go out and see what kind of discounts they have.”

They got ready and headed out of the dorm, leaving the campus and walking to the nearby town. With the college nearby, the stores had been set up for walking, with parking lots few and far between. Karyn remarked how she liked the difference from home.

“When you have to drive everywhere like in the suburbs, you can’t just casually run an errand like this. You wait till all your errands pile up, then make a bunch of stops, so that way you don’t waste gas or time.”

“Hey, be careful!” whispered Derpy.

“Of what?”

“Your phone’s broken. So won’t people know that your Bluetooth is fake?”

“They can’t see the broken phone. Once we get into a store, yes, you’ll have to hush until we can get alone. But out here, it’s just a prop.”

They turned a corner, and Karyn pointed out a shop with lots of fancy neon signs in its window. Situated as it was between a café and a secondhand bookstore, it popped out to the eye.

“So that’s where you buy new phones?” asked Derpy.

“Well, it’s one place. A lot of mobile stores have opened up since they became popular. Even if all the phones are just a few brands, the people that make them don’t want the hassle of selling them themselves, so they want independent dealers. It’s a good business for people, since they get to advertise popular brand names in their window.”

“Hrm.”

They neared the door, but Karyn held up before going in. “What’s wrong?”

“That’s just so different from Equestria. If somepony runs a business, they want to put their own stuff in it. Even something like Barnyard Bargains, where Mr. Rich gets all the local stuff to sell, he puts his own labels on it all.”

“Well, it has its benefits and its detriments. But there I go, talking like one of my term papers. Let’s just go in and look at some phones.”

Derpy nodded, even though Karyn couldn’t see, and she walked in after, taking to the air to avoid bumping into anyone. The cool air from the air conditioning hit her, and she reflected how some of the differences on Earth she liked. But then she chided herself for not paying attention, and followed Karyn to look at some phones.

A salesman descended quickly, and soon Karyn was listening to him run down the features of some fancy new device that he had, in all likelihood, been told to push.

“The new GPS works fully by voice,” he was saying, “which replaces the old map app that you had to look at to get directions. Safer for the car.”

It’s too bad that I can’t teach Karyn my mapping memory, thought Derpy. Of course, she’d have to learn to fly first or she’d only be able to map a small circle around her feet.

“I’m a student at the college,” Karyn told the salesman. “The only times I drive are when I’m going home at the end of the semester, and I know that route by heart.”

“OK, but the voice commands run throughout the phone. It’s nearly hands-free all the time.”

Ha! That’s what I need. A phone that’s hands-free. I have a hard enough time typing on her computer, plus those touch-screens don’t like my hooves for some reason.

“The features are nice,” said Karyn, “but ninety-nine percent of what I’ll be doing is making calls and using the web and e-mail. So I’m more interested in a good cheap data plan than fancy bells and whistles.”

That’s my girl! Don’t buy what you don’t need.

The salesman, perhaps disappointed at not being able to sell a state-of-the-art phone, walked over to his terminal. “You’re not going to be able to get an unlimited data plan anymore. They’ve pretty much done away with those. Do you know how much usage you have?”

“No, but that old phone stored it. If it’s just the screen that’s cracked, I think we can get that information off it.”

They spent a long time staring at the broken screen while Karyn memorized numbers. She wished that she had the phone to write them down in, but of course that would defeat the purpose. Finally the salesman said, “OK, here’s your biggest month. If we go for the Gold plan, you’ll never hit that.”

“Yes, but at the Silver plan, I would have only gone over twice, and the penalty is less than the difference between the two plans. In any case, before I make a decision, I want to talk it over with my friend. She’s, um, waiting for me outside. She’s shy.”

Karyn extricated herself from the salesman, but felt his stare as she maneuvered Derpy toward the exit. The street was filled with other shoppers, and it wasn’t until they reached the end of the block where they could turn down a side street that she and Derpy got a chance to discuss it.

“So that’s what it’s like trying to buy a mobile phone,” Karyn said, keeping an eye out. “It’s not as bad as buying a car, but worse than buying a sandwich.”

“You’re saying that purchases become more complicated the more expensive it is?”

“Price isn’t the only factor, but it’s a lot of it. Remember that they’re not just selling me a phone, they’re selling me the service that goes with it.”

Derpy looked down at Karyn’s broken phone, then all around her. She didn’t know the technical details of how it worked, but she realized that there had to be a team of humans somehow keeping the network up. Even though it seemed like good, comfortable magic, there was work involved, and that meant money. Maybe, she thought, that was why the humans built things like that, to try to emulate the magic they didn’t have.

Just then, her first duty was to make sure her friend didn’t get taken. “I think you’re right,” Derpy said. “It’s important to get the best deal long term.”

“They know that too. That’s why you don’t see a lot of pricy phones, just cheap ones with expensive plans. The other thing I can do is get one and buy the minutes as I need them. But you don’t get the nicest ones from that.”

When she was confused, Derpy’s recourse was to look up to the sky. Not only was it where she was most comfortable and did her job, but she could also see the sun or the moon and remember that somepony was watching over her. That didn’t apply on Earth, she realized, but she was still inspired by the sun.

“It’s a nice day, and we have plenty of time. Let’s go around to some other shops and see if there’s a bargain anywhere.”

Karyn looked back to the store. “That sounds good. We can always come back here.”

They stepped back onto the main street, and for a few minutes they could pretend that it was a lazy Sunday where they could walk the boulevard and enjoy the sights without having a shopping mission. Derpy saw one store that had phones on display, but Karyn explained that it only sold one brand, and was owned by the manufacturer. She wanted to be able to select her carrier.

“Besides, I think that the big companies are getting enough money from making the phone. There needs to be some room for the little guy to run a business.”

They found another one a few doors down, and went in. The store was empty and quiet, and the lone employee was leaning on a glass case, typing away on her own mobile.

The aisles were wide and the air conditioner blanketed the room in white noise, so Derpy could stand next to Karyn and talk without having to attempt any subterfuge. “I think we might have come to the right place,” she said. “They have all the information here without you having to talk to the saleshuman.”

“Just salesman or saleswoman is fine. Yeah, the prices are better too. Let’s put our heads together and try to come to a final decision.”

They worked through process of elimination. Derpy found the ones that were too expensive, and Karyn picked the ones she didn’t want. Soon they had a short list of three.

“Hey, Karyn? One thing I was wondering as I looked.”

“What’s that?”

“Why do so many of the phones have X’s in their name?”

Karyn eyed a few displays to see Derpy’s point. “I guess they think it sounds cool. C’s and V’s are popular too. But a few of the phones have actual names. Too bad there isn’t one called ‘Pegasus’ or ‘Muffin’.”

“Just because it had the right name doesn’t mean it would be the right phone.”

“No, but it might be serendipity.”

“Here’s one called Twilight,” said Derpy.

“So there is. But it’s not on either of our lists. No, I think that this one, the LS101, is what I’m going with. So back into stealth mode, I’ll talk to the clerk.”

The phones, of course, were under lock and key, so Karyn couldn’t just bring one up to the counter. She walked up and said, “Excuse me.”

“Just a minute.” She kept typing on her phone for another minute or so. Karyn wasn’t sure if she was texting or playing a game. “All right, what can I do for you?”

“The phone over there, I’d like to upgrade mine to it.”

“All right. The phone’s two hundred, and—“

“No, my contract should have expired and I should get a free one,” said Karyn.

“Can I see the old phone?”

Karyn handed it over.

“What, did you drop this?”

“Something like that.”

The cashier muttered something like, “teenagers always so irresponsible.” She looked up Karyn’s account. “OK, yeah, you can get an upgrade. Fill this out.”

“Thanks.” Karyn started writing her information, when she noticed that the girl had gone right back to her phone. “Can you get the new one and switch the SIM card while I’m doing this?”

She gave a heavy sigh and walked away.

Derpy whispered into Karyn’s ear. “I don’t care how good a deal the phone is. If she’s going to be that rude, you should leave.”

“You think so? In a few minutes it’ll all be over.”

The cashier returned and tossed a white box on the glass. “OK, now, about the extended warranty.”

“Don’t want it. I’ve read that they’re not worth the money.”

She rolled her eyes. “Given the way you treat your old one, you really ought to.”

Karyn counted to ten and was about to speak again, when she felt Derpy grab her by the collar and drag her to the door. She tried to right herself, but Derpy was too strong, so she covered quickly. “You know what?” she said to the cashier. “Forget it. Since you obviously don’t care about helping me, I guess I don’t need the phone.”

She grabbed her old one and her half-completed paperwork and let Derpy keep pulling. The cashier was already back at her phone and didn’t notice that Karyn travelled the last five yards to the door without her feet touching the ground.

Hastily putting in her Bluetooth, Karyn walked on her own, just to make Derpy let her go. When enough people had passed to make the disguise look good, she said, “You weren’t kidding about leaving.”

“No. I’m sorry to have done that to you, but I just can’t stand rude people. It was bad enough when I saw ponies doing it in Equestria, but that was because they were unfamiliar with you. Which is no excuse, but at least I knew why. That girl was just a bad worker.”

“You’re right, but I would probably act the same way if I had to do that. That’s why I’m studying hard so I can work with computers all day. You can be rude to them all you want.”

“You shouldn’t be rude to Derpynet.”

Karyn laughed. “True, but for computers not magically made sentient, it’s fine.”

“So should we look for another place?”

“Since we’re heading there anyway, let’s go back to the first store. Now that I know what model I want, getting it should be no problem.”

The salesman at the first shop was surprised to see Karyn again, having written it off as a lost sale. Now that Karyn knew the exact model and plan she wanted, he seemed a little disappointed at not being able to sell a more expensive phone, but he was polite and interested the entire time, so Derpy had no reason to drag her off again.

Back at the dorm room, Karyn ran her fingernail along the edge of the box, slitting the plastic and tearing it off. She shook the box top off, overcoming the heavy friction, and removed the Styrofoam square protecting the phone from shock.

“Ah. You don’t have that in Equestria,” she said.

“Phones? No, we don’t.”

“Well, that’s true, but I was talking about the smell of some new item that comes encased in plastic.”

Derpy sniffed. “I don’t like it much.”

“It’s probably not good for me, but I’ll have to get used to it.”

She took the phone out and slipped it into its charger. Derpy stared at it. “So does this mean that you’re not going to host any more parties?”

“No, I’ll just do all my cleaning ahead of time, and I’ll stick my purse in the closet beforehand so no one can mess with my stuff.”

“Good lesson. It is something of a shame.”

“What do you mean?” asked Karyn.

“Well, I don’t have one of these, and even if I did, it couldn’t make calls while I’m in Equestria.”

“I know, we complain about that a lot, but we never do anything about it. Maybe it’s just meant to be. Maybe getting too complacent about talking to you might make me forget I have to keep you secret. Still, I do wish we could keep in touch more.”

The phone had charged enough so that it turned on, so Karyn turned it on and started exploring. Derpy had cocked her head, but then smiled and touched Karyn with her wing and hoof.

Karyn looked up and realized what happened. “One point to you.”

Author's Notes:

You want a preview? You got it!

“If you’d like to sit outside for a while, I could bring you some lemonade or something.”

“I think I’d rather go inside. It’s a little chilly.”

“You’re cold?” said Derpy. “I’ll go and move a few clouds so that the sun warms you up. Wait right here.”


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


“Oh, Rarity. Derpy’s upstairs, I think, but if you’d like to wait for her, I’m sure she won’t be long.”

“Actually, it’s you I came to see. I was in the square and saw a pegasus pony popping into existence, which could only be Derpy, and enough of a figure was on her back that I concluded it was you. I just wanted to thank you again."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Poor Opal, she’s been feeling under the weather herself lately. I should really get home to her, but I just had to pick up a few things, and then I saw Karyn…”

“Shouldn’t you also put on a formal dress?” asked Karyn.

“Beg pardon?”

“Well, don’t you always put on something a little fancy when Opal’s not feeling her best? I remember you telling everypony that once.”

Next week is all for Rarity fans. Don't miss it!

Next Chapter: 57: Derpalescence Estimated time remaining: 27 Hours, 27 Minutes
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