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Lyra's Human 2: Derpy's Human

by pjabrony

Chapter 56: Clip Show: One Derp or Two?

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Here we have another clip show. After the adventures of the last four episodes, Karyn and Derpy need a break! So today they just hang out and reminisce, and next week they take off entirely. But they'll be back in two weeks' time with their usual adventures.

Karyn grabbed the pot holder and put it over the teapot handle. Even though it was only slightly hot, she felt the holder gave her a better grip. Pouring the boiling water into the mugs, she set the pot back down on the hot plate and passed one mug to Derpy.

“Do you want regular tea or one of these fancy ones?”

“I’ll start with regular for now.”

Karyn pulled out an unmarked bag and dropped it in Derpy’s mug. For herself she selected a Lemon Zinger.

“This is exactly what I wanted for today after all that hullabaloo. Just a relaxing day at home, sipping tea and watching videos over the internet.”

“Ha. I remember when you didn’t even want to let me leave the room.”

Derpy sipped her tea and thought back…

“Is that your subtle way of letting me know that you want a change of scenery?”

“Oh no, Karyn! I try not to play games like that. Not that I wouldn’t mind getting out and about, but I don’t drop hints. Letters, flower pots, the odd piano, but never hints,” Derpy said.

“Well, I wouldn’t mind some fresh air myself. Back to Equestria then?”

“Well, I was wondering. . . “ Derpy swung one hoof back and forth, which Karyn had learned to interpret as her being indecisive.

“Yes?”

“Can we maybe go out into the human world today?”

“Oh, Derpy, I don’t know. There are just so many things that could go wrong,” said Karyn.

“But so many ponies, after last week’s game, were asking me what the human world was like, and I didn’t have a whole lot to tell them.”

“How are we going to avoid notice?”

“I’ve got an invisibility spell. No humans will see me!”

“Hmm. . . I don’t know,” said Karyn. “You’ll be invisible, but what if you bump into someone?”

“I’ll stay in the air above everyone’s head! Please!”

“OK, we’ll go out and do something. I’d just really like it to be a place where there aren’t a whole lot of people milling about who could knock into you anyway.”

Derpy had ignored everything after Karyn had said OK and was rummaging through her bag for the right spell, dumping out rejects all over the place. Karyn picked up one and looked at it.

“Derpy? Will the magic work only for you? You know that there’s no magic on Earth, but I’ve always wanted to do some, ever since I was ten and didn’t get to go to Hogwart’s.”

Derpy was still pawing through and muttering to herself. “Spell to keep warm. . . no. Infinite muffin spell. . . save that for later. Spell to allow you understand when human makes reference to something I haven’t read, don’t need that. Aha! Got it.”

“Cream and sugar?” asked Karyn.

“Well, I suppose I should only have one or the other, not both.”

“How have you been doing with your diet anyway?”

Derpy blinked. “You know, I never even bothered to check how much I weighed at the beginning. But take a look. What do you think?”

She stood to the side of the table, and Karyn leaned over. “Looks like you’re a little slimmer, but sometimes the inches and the numbers don’t coincide. She remembered when the issue first arose…

“Do me a favor, Derpy? Go stand against that wall.” Karyn pointed to one end. “This was the picture I took of you when we were playing with my camera a while back. I want to do a before-and-after.”

“What for? I haven’t changed.”

“I think you have. Oh, yeah. Derpy, you’ve put on a lot of weight.”

Derpy snorted. “I have not!”

“Look at the picture and then look between your hooves.”

“Give me that.” Derpy snatched it out of Karyn’s hands and looked. She was standing against the same wall, and could see a foot or two of wall beneath her. Trotting back over, she tried to measure from the bottom of her belly to the floor.

Karyn rolled her eyes. “Trust me, your belly has grown. Small wonder, I’d say. You took seconds at that Apple Family reunion, and—“

“It wasn’t a true reunion, just a get-together.”

“Don’t change the subject. And you’re always finishing my meals. You have a problem, Derpy.”

“I do not!” said Derpy, stomping her hoof. But beneath her, she felt her belly jiggling. How did she not notice before? “Well, maybe I’ve gained, but I’m not a young filly. Everypony puts on a few pounds at my age.”

“Ponyfeathers!” said Karyn. Derpy spread her wings and looked at them. “No, I mean that you’re trying to cover up the fact that you have a problem. I’m serious, Derpy.”

“I don’t see—“

“And I’ll bet that’s the reason you’ve been having insomnia lately. I mean, look. I don’t know anything about pony anatomy. Maybe you can weigh as much as you like and have no ill effects. Maybe unicorns have a spell that can zap you to the perfect weight without any effort. Maybe there’s no such thing for you as heart attacks and arthritis. All I know is that you’ve changed, and for the worse.”

Derpy scowled and wanted to argue some more, but she saw how worried Karyn was, and the image of the picture versus her own figure was stuck in her head. “I guess I have. I’m sorry.”

“Say, I think the girls across the hall, that I share a bathroom with, put a scale in there. Let’s get a figure now so we can compare in the future.”

Derpy agreed, and Karyn peeked in to make sure the coast is clear before returning with the scale. “Hm, it’s really not built for users who stand on four legs,” said Derpy.

“Maybe you should try to stand like Lyra.”

Derpy got on the scale, and Karyn peered down to try to read the dim LED numbers. Without looking up, she said, “Derpy, stop using your wings to try to add weight now to better your numbers in the future.”

“How did you catch me?”

“Because I know you’re a great flyer with lots of wingpower, but you don’t weigh four hundred pounds.”

“Darn the imprecision! You know, you’re not always so strict about following the rules.”

“What do you mean?” asked Karyn.

“Remember when we first ran into Albert?”

“What did you have in mind?”

They descended to Derpy’s house, where she brought out a big sheet of paper. Together they drew up their plan.

“And are you sure about this explanation?” Karyn asked.

“It worked once before.”

Half an hour later, they walked out of a shop in Ponyville carrying a package. “I didn’t even realize that you had shops like this here,” said Karyn.

“Oh, yes, for parties, or for Nightmare Night when parents don’t want to spend a lot of time.”

Karyn opened the box and slipped on the black wig. “I’ll need a different outfit too.”

“You’ll have to change as soon as you get back.”

“No, I’ll just throw on a sweater or jacket over top of this. Come on, let’s go.”

She got on top of Derpy’s back, signaled her readiness, and looked around as soon as they returned to her room. She found a gray jacket in her closet that provided a nice contrast to her maroon shirt. She ran to the door and looked out the peephole, bending her eye to see down the hall. As she expected, the junior detective was still waiting and listening. Silently counting to three, she tore open the door and broke into a run down the hall to the stairs at the end.

Now she had to be a little careful. She didn’t want to get caught, but neither did she want to lose him by running too fast. The stairs were the kind that went back and forth in a well behind swinging doors. He burst through a few seconds after she did, and she was on the first floor when he was halfway down the flight to the second. She opened the door and let it swing, then went outside.

She slowed up to allow him time to catch up. Crossing over the front of the building, she turned to move to the back where the garbage bins were kept. As soon as she was sure that he saw her go there, she moved in to where Derpy, invisible and guiding her by whispers, was standing. She jumped back on and a moment later was back in Equestria.

Now it was time for phase two. “For once I’m glad of the time distortion,” Karyn said. They flew back to Derpy’s house, where she took off the jacket and wig.

When they appeared back in Karyn’s room again, she calmly walked over to the window and peered out to where Albert was still looking around the corner. “Everything all right?” she called.

He looked back up to see her, his eyes narrowing. She pulled her head back in the room and gathered up the trash from the two lunches. Calmly strolling down to the bins, she dumped it in and grinned.

“All right, who is she?”

“Who’s who?” If she had faked confidence before, now it was genuine, and he knew it.

“Where was she went I was up there?”

He was on the defensive now, and Karyn sensed it. “Excuse me if I decide not to tell you about what my girlfriends and I do in my room.” She figured that the thought of two females together would cloud his judgment.

“But you weren’t talking to her outside the building. You couldn’t have been.”

“You’re right, I wasn’t. That was a completely separate issue.”

“All right, then,” he said, “spill.”

“I suppose I might as well, since it won’t do you any good. You are familiar, I assume, with proprietary information as related to new products and services? And the laws that go with them?”

“Yes.” He stretched it out as if expecting a lie.

“And lie you did,” said Derpy.

“Well, it all worked out in the end. And he turned out to be not quite so much of a jerk anyway, helping us with the changeling invasion. Maybe only ninety-nine-point-nine percent as much of a jerk.”

“You really don’t like him. Don’t you think that maybe we can take the monitoring spell off now?”

“One good deed doesn’t absolve all he’s done. It’s more important to make sure Equestria is kept secret. Maybe one day.”

Derpy looked nervous, but said nothing.

“Speaking of Equestria,” said Karyn, “one thing I’ve always wondered is whether the word refers to your entire world or just your country. Like, remember when we went to Muland?”

As they waited for the mule to go find the mail to go back, Derpy and Karyn had their first real moment of privacy in Muland. “I really don’t get how any of this works,” said Derpy. “I can’t believe that any mules would work hard knowing that they’re going to get the same reward. I try to do the best I can on my mail route so I can get more money and better routes, and to improve my relationship with the ponies there. I wouldn’t do that here.”

“But you’re not here,” said Karyn. “The mules have a different way of thinking. They do work hard, just because they can. What I don’t get is how Equestria works. Think of all the so-called Canterlot elite. They’re really just snobs. They look down on you as a simple mailmare, while they live decadent lives with jewels and fashions. Doesn’t that make you mad?”

“No. What other ponies think doesn’t bother me, unless they’re my friends. But I guess that I have a different way of thinking too.”

The mule returned with a small sack of mail and a large stack of paper. “Sign here, please, miss, and here, here, initial here, and confirm the weight and the number.”

Derpy gritted her teeth as she complied. “Very different,” she said.

Their mood lightened as they made their way back to the docks and found Stubby waiting for them on the boat. Derpy tried to fly out to meet him.

“Sorry, ladies, but I can’t let you on right now. This vessel is currently under inspection for safety and health concerns, and as such only authorized personnel are allowed. I can’t be held liable for your welfare.”

Karyn kept her distance, but Derpy hovered over anyway. “Oh, forget those stinky regulations, Stubby, it’s us!”

“Rules are rules. I can’t let you on.”

Derpy huffed and flew back to the dock. “He’s so much nicer when we’re on the water.”

Derpy finished her tea. “See, now Stubby was a nice guy, even though he was brusque at first. Maybe Albert could be like that.”

“You mean we should take him down to the water and dunk him? I could agree to that plan.”

“Don’t be uncharitable. And besides—you did say I still have more weight to lose, right?”

“Well, yeah,” said Karyn, “but what does that have to do with it?”

“Once I’m thin I can’t make fat jokes anymore. I was going to say that if we did dunk him in the water, he’d float.”

Karyn had a good laugh at that as she poured them some more tea.

For a while they just sat and drank. The sun climbed in the window.

“It’ll be getting warm again soon,” said Derpy. “At least I don’t have to wrap up winter in two worlds.”

“No, though I wouldn’t mind if you did. You’re a really good friend, Derpy Hooves. I know you know it, but we don’t say it enough.”

Derpy flew over and gave Karyn a hug. “Of course I know. And however we treat other ponies and other people, we have no secrets from each other.”

“Well, funny you should say that. Do you remember one time we went to visit Dinky?”

It’s just that both of us have such wonderful mothers, and she deserves one too.”

“Oh, that’s so sweet. Yes, it would be nice to hear more stories about Grandma Dancey. But the only pony I know from that time is Princess Celestia.”

“Yeah,” Karyn muttered. “Hey, what about Granny Smith, the matron of the Apple family? She’s old enough that she might have known your grandmother.”

“I never thought of that. We should go see her.” Dinky started packing a saddlebag and heading for the door.

“You mean right now? Shouldn’t we wait for your mom? And how will we get to Ponyville?”

“Train, same as always. And we don’t need to tell mom, it’s supposed to be for her. And yes, now.”

Karyn wanted to protest, but Dinky was already halfway out the door. Finally she thought of something. “But you know that your mother will catch us. She always does when we try to sneak out.”

“You’re right. Hang on.” She levitated a hat onto Karyn’s head. “There. Now you’re disguised. Come on.”

Matter-of-factly, Karyn said, “You are your mother’s daughter.” But she left with her.

Despite Karyn’s fear, they reached the train station without incident and took the train back to Ponyville.

Apple Bloom was repairing a fence at the edge of Sweet Apple Acres when they approached. She wasn’t a close friend of Dinky’s, but they knew each other’s name and were cordial to one another.

“Howdy!” she said. “What brings you round the farm? Most of our crops ain’t for sale right now in the season.”

“Actually,” said Dinky, “we were hoping we could talk to your grandmother. Maybe hear some old stories.”

“Really? Well, I’ll lend you my hair ribbon. Maybe with her eyesight she’ll think you’re me, and then she’d tell them to you instead of me. Not that I don’t love her, but I must have heard them all a million times by now.”

Karyn grinned. “We’ll take that chance. Is she around?”

“Granny’s mostly retired now. She doesn’t even sort apples on cider-making day anymore. But she sits upstairs in the house and watches the ranch. She’s the one mentioned this fence needed mending.” Apple Bloom pointed toward the second-floor window. Dinky and Karyn spotted the elderly pony rocking in her chair.

“Thanks. We’ll go talk with her.”

The old boards of the house squeaked as they climbed the stairs, and the old bones of Granny Smith creaked as well.

“Hello, Miss Smith,” said Dinky.

“Hello yourself, whipper-snapper. What’s that you got there with you? Some kind of baby dragon?”

“No, she’s my friend. She’s called a human, and her name is Karyn.”

Granny Smith looked down at her knitting. “Well, if she’s a friend, I guess that’s all right. And you are?”

“My name’s Dinky, Dinky Hooves.” She hesitated as she realized that she was imposing on a relative stranger. “I was just wondering, since you’ve been around so long, if you might have known my grandmother. Maybe you can tell me something about her.”

“Well, sure I knew your grandam.”

“That’s great! What was she like?”

Granny Smith leered. “She was the orneriest, meanest, twistedest pony I ever knew and no mistake! Kind of mare who would kick you in the teeth so much as look at you.”

Dinky’s jaw dropped. “Really? Everypony always said she was nice. Tough, but nice.”

“Well, of course nopony wants to hurt a little’un’s feelings, but them’s the facts. Now you take old Mr. Waddle f’r’instance. Kindest feller you’d want to know. Always sayin’ hi and smilin’. Well, one day he passed by and sure as I’m sitting here your grandmother comes right out and says, ‘Can’t stand that stallion.’ Didn’t care who heard it either.”

Karyn wanted to stop her. Dinky looked as if she were about to cry. But Granny Smith was still talking.

“No wonder your daddy left home as soon as he was old enough to work.”

“Wait, what?” Dinky picked her head up. She thought back and realized that she had never specified who she was talking about. “I’m sorry, Miss Smith, I don’t mean that grandma. I meant my other one, Dancey Hooves.”

Granny Smith perked up at the name. “Oh! Well, that’s a pony of a different color! Gray, if I’m not mistaken. Poor Dancey. Shame what happened to her.”

“You knew her?”

“Dancey Hooves. Haven’t thought about her in a long time. Not the brightest apple in the basket, but you couldn’t tell her that. Kept a flower garden of chrysanthemums, every color of the rainbow. Wasn’t stingy about giving them away, neither. Yes, she was a darn fine pony. Shame what happened to her.”

Karyn put her hand on Dinky’s back. “It wasn’t entirely a shame. A very nice pony came out of it. No, two very nice ponies.”

“You did that with Dinky?”

“Yeah. We didn’t think you would really mind.”

Derpy took another sip of tea. “Did you mix in the salt with the sugar or something?”

“No, Derpy. You’re crying into your tea. Here, let me get you a fresh cup.”

“I think instead…”

“Yes?”

“I want a refill on that hug.”

Next Chapter: 54: A Trip to the Derpist Estimated time remaining: 28 Hours, 12 Minutes
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