Login

Lyra's Human 2: Derpy's Human

by pjabrony

Chapter 52: 50: Derpnesia

Previous Chapter Next Chapter

“Good Morning, Derpy! Over here!”

Derpy had popped into the room in her usual spot, but since Karyn was not in her line of sight, she bobbed her head this way and that. Karyn kept trying to move into view, only to watch her turn in the opposite direction. Frustrated, Derpy took to the air and banked around. “Ah, there you are.”

“Yeah. And I’m all packed for Ponyville.”

“You want to come back with me?”

“Definitely.” Karyn pointed at her desk. It was messier than usual, and she was grateful that Derpy hadn’t leaped to straighten it as soon as she appeared. “I’ve been run ragged all week with my classes, and there’s nothing I want more than to leave the entire world for a while and de-stress.”

“OK, I guess. You sure you don’t just want to hang out and get some coffee?”

“If I do, I want it with a treat from Sugar Cube Corner. Let’s go.”

Somewhat reluctantly, Derpy let Karyn mount and fumbled in her bag for her spell. She gave her usual lazy circle as she came in for a landing, and followed Karyn toward the house.

“So here we are.”

“Right. I want to check out my garden. That’s how bad my week was.”

Derpy showed confusion for a moment. “Ah, because you love your garden so much.”

Karyn laughed at the sarcasm, and Derpy joined in. Naturally, she didn’t spend too much time outside, but Derpy remained with her instead of going inside ahead. When they did enter, with Karyn still ahead, Muffinhead came streaking into the room to jump on Derpy, but pulled up when he saw Karyn blocking the way.

“Here, kitty, kitty,” said Derpy. The cat took a long arc around Karyn to get to Derpy, who nuzzled his nose. He sniffed once, then turned and walked away.

“I’ve never heard you call him ‘kitty,’”

“Oh, everypony who has a cat talks baby talk to him.”

Karyn pursed her lips. “I suppose. I thought you just always called him by his name.”

“Now…where’s the snacks?” Derpy walked off toward the bedroom.

“Um, they’re in the kitchen, the other way. What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing, Karen.”

“Now you just completely mispronounced my name. Don’t ask me how I know you didn’t say it with a y. Years of hearing it. But come on, Derpy. What’s wrong? Is the translation spell failing again?”

“No, we fixed it,” said Derpy, but Karyn didn’t like the way she said it.

“Derpy, humor me. When the spell broke, how did we fix it?”

“What? Don’t be silly. You were there.”

“I know. But tell me anyway.”

Derpy was sweating. “We took it to the magical repair pony who, just, you know, fixed it!”

“Who was the pony who fixed it.”

“You know! Our friend.”

Karyn pointed her finger at Derpy. “You don’t remember. Derpy, you have amnesia!”

Derpy had an odd combination of panic and laughter on her face. “Don’t be silly. I can’t have amnesia. I don’t even know what it means!”

“It’s where you can’t remember things. That’s why you didn’t call Mu—Derpy, what’s your cat’s name?”

“Um…Murray?”

“No! Derpy, admit it, you’re losing your memory.”

Derpy put her head in her hooves. “Maybe I am. How could it happen?”

“Well, normally, this being a cartoon universe, if you got a bump on the head that could trigger it, and then you’d be cured by another bump.”

“I don’t want to be hit on the head!”

“Of course you don’t,” said Karyn. “So let’s not panic. Let’s think this out.”

“How am I supposed to think it out if I can’t remember?”

“All right, I’ll think it out. Are there any pony doctors you can go to?”

Derpy stomped her hoof. “If there are, I can’t remember them.”

Karyn looked at her friend. She was too used to being considered a guest in Equestria. But if Derpy, who seemed to be getting worse by the minute, was no good, it was her duty to help out.

“Let’s just head out and we’ll ask directions to the hospital, and then we’ll take it from there.”

Derpy let Karyn guide her by the wing outside, but there were no ponies around for Karyn to enquire of. She was not good with remembering directions under the best of circumstances, and couldn’t tell the exact way to Lyra’s house or Twilight’s or anypony that she could immediately trust. They walked toward the general center of town, but the alleys and paths failed to lead anywhere either of them remembered. At last, by sheer luck and the drunkard’s walk, they emerged into the central market.

Business diminished on Sunday, but it was not completely abandoned. Karyn looked around for somepony to approach. She finally settled on the pink mare that she had once nearly bought cat food from.

“Hi, Derpy,” the vendor said. “Come for more tidbits for Muffinhead?”

Karyn watched to see if the name sparked any memories, but saw no sign in Derpy’s face. “Actually, she’s not exactly herself now. Where’s the hospital?”

The pony was surprised to see Karyn talking. “The hospital? What is it?”

A line from a movie ran through Karyn’s head, but she decided that it wasn’t the time for jokes. “Derpy’s got amnesia, I think.”

“You know, she should go to the hospital!”

Clearly, Karyn concluded, the mare wasn’t too bright. “Yes, but she doesn’t remember where it is, and I don’t live here.”

“Oh. All right. Well, the way I go is, you take this road here four blocks down, but don’t count the little alley that goes behind the bowling alley as a block, then you make a left and a quick right. You’ll think you’re going straight, but it’s really a left and a quick right. You’ll see a sign that says it’s for the hospital, but don’t follow it, because it’s wrong. After that you’ll see two coffee shops. Make a right at the second one.”

“How do I know which one is the second one?”

“It comes after the first one. After that the road swings around, but you just stay to the right and it’ll take you right there!” She thought for a moment, and pointed a hoof. “Or the other way to go is through that building and out the back door. Takes you right there. But you don’t get to go past the coffee shops, and the first one has this really nice espresso that…”

Karyn was already pulling Derpy away.

The hospital was indeed close, and they entered the lobby. Derpy twisted loose from Karyn and said, “All right, why don’t I go check in, and then I’ll take you home.”

“Take me home? Are you kidding? I intend to stay until you’re better.”

“You don’t have to do that. I’m sure the treatment will be long and not fun. You’ll just be sitting in the waiting room doing nothing. You’d be much better off back on—what’s your world called again?”

Karyn scowled. “And you think I’m going to leave your side?! I can believe that you forgot your cat’s name and my world, but I can’t believe that you would forget how much we mean to each other.”

Derpy relented, but the nurse behind the hospital counter was not so accommodating. After Karyn explained what was going on, she said, “All right, we’ll take care of her, but you should go home. We may need to use some dangerous spells or treatments, and we don’t want you hurt.”

“If it’s dangerous, I need to be there for her.”

“Oh, there’s no danger to her.”

Karyn tried to keep her patience. “Look, nurse—“

“Coldheart.”

“Nurse Coldheart. My friend is ill. She needs help. I don’t see why I can’t be there to help with the help.”

The pony sighed. “Listen. Everypony in town has seen you, and they know you’re all right. But you’re still an oddity in town. The doctors are going to be coming in to work, and they’ll need to concentrate. The last thing they’ll want is to deal with something they’ve only seen from afar.”

Karyn wanted to argue, but realized that even if she won, she would only delay Derpy’s treatment. She reluctantly nodded, and got on top of Derpy. “As soon as you drop me off, you come right back here, is that clear?”

“I’ve got it,” said Derpy. “Now, how do I get you home?”

“It’s the spell in your saddlebag. The same way you’ve always done it.” Karyn knew that Derpy couldn’t remember, but it was still frustrating.

Derpy reached into the saddlebag and pulled out the spell. Looking more like she was trying to figure its use than going through a rote motion, she put it on her hoof and felt the bumps on the inside. Hesitantly, she turned the spell.

They became invisible.

“Argh! That’s the wrong one!” said Karyn. “It’s the first one in the row.”

Without removing the invisibility spell, Derpy put the correct one on her other front hoof. They disappeared.

**

“Here we are! Oh, hang on, the invisibility spell is still on.” Derpy shut it off. She was alone in the room. “Karyn? Are you around?”

She searched the room, then heard a skittering noise coming from the bathroom. Ah. She must have really had to go. Derpy waited, but didn’t hear a flush or any other sign that Karyn was coming back out. After a few minutes, she tentatively knocked on the door with her hoof. When that produced no response, she opened the door by the slightest crack. Peering in, she saw the light on but no sign of movement. She inched the door further, but there was still no one inside. Just as she was about to turn around, she saw movement, and her eyes shot to the ground where a black insect shot out across the floor.

“Eek!” she cried, leaping into the air. She soon lost sight of the bug.

“What’s wrong?” Derpy heard from behind. Spinning around, she saw Karyn at last.

“I saw a bug crawling across the floor. Don’t I always tell you to keep it clean in here?”

“Do you? I hadn’t noticed.”

Derpy picked up on Karyn’s sarcasm, but brought herself up short. “Although you are clean as far as throwing away food and scrubbing up. It’s only papers and books that you leave lying around. That shouldn’t bring on any bugs.”

Karyn shrugged. “Maybe it lost its way. If you find it, just let it go free.”

“I suppose. Anyway, what are we doing?”

“Don’t you know?”

“Why should I?”

Karyn put her hand to her face, but to Derpy it looked different from her usual exasperation. “Didn’t you make plans for this week’s session on Earth?”

“Did I? I only do that if we’re going to Equestria. I was hoping you’d have something fun planned.”

“I see. Well, we could, um…get something to eat?”

“Fine by me!” said Derpy. She went back invisible and they walked to the cafeteria.

“Do you want some cookies or cakes?” asked Karyn.

“In the first place, if I had my choice, I’d want a muffin. But beyond that, you’re going to let me have cookies and cakes?”

“Should I not do that?”

Derpy wanted to shout, but had to keep a low profile. “You’re always telling me to watch my weight. Now you want me to eat sugar. What’s going on?”

“I just thought that everypony ate stuff like that.”

“And since when do you say everypony? Karyn, something’s wrong, tell me.”

“Nothing’s wrong, Dinky.”

Derpy grabbed Karyn out of line and pulled her to the back alley of the cafeteria where they could talk in private. “You just called me Dinky. I’m Derpy.”

“Sorry, I guess I just forgot.”

“Forgot your friend’s name?! What’s my last name?”

“Don’t be silly,” said Karyn. “Asking silly questions like that.”

“Say it!”

“It’s Derpy Eyes.”

Derpy frowned.

“I’m sorry. I had to take a guess,” said Karyn. “The truth is that I don’t remember. I must have amnesia!”

Now Derpy was all action. “Amnesia?! That makes sense! I was so worried that I’d gotten the wrong person somehow. I think we should go back to your dorm and spend the whole day together, which will maybe bring your memory back.”

Karyn seemed happy to place herself in Derpy’s hooves, and they indeed made their way back to Karyn’s room. When they got there, Karyn said, “How do we know exactly that it’s I who can’t remember things and not you who made up false memories?”

Derpy wanted to argue, but since her friend was ill, she held back. On second thought, it wasn’t such a silly question. How did Derpy know? She was no philosopher, but she came up with an answer anyway. “Most of them were happy memories. So even if they were false, I’d want to keep them anyway.”

“Aww, that’s sweet. So what should we do to get my memory back?”

Derpy didn’t like the way she asked the question. It seemed like Karyn was taking it too much in stride. But, she figured, if there was memory loss, she might not know enough to worry. “Do you remember when the translation spell got out of whack?”

“No.”

“Darn. Well, We were playing cards when that happened. So maybe if we play cards now it’ll help”

Karyn narrowed her eyes. “I’m not sure that logic holds. But I’m not sure of much of anything at this point.”

It took Derpy a while to find the deck of cards, since Karyn didn’t remember where they were. She had to root around in the desk drawer, but didn’t mind since it reminded her of how messy Karyn truly was, and any such reminder was welcome.

They played a few hands of Go Fish, but neither party had their heart in it.

“Really, I’m no fun today,” said Karyn. “You should just go back to Equestria and leave me here. I’m sure I’ll get better in time.”

“I will do no such thing! There’s no way I’m going to abandon my friend in her time of need. Which is your time of need,” Derpy added, as she saw Karyn’s expression of confusion. Or was it disappointment?

“There’s nothing else to do here.”

“You’re right. But maybe in Equestria Lyra or somepony will know a cure. Come on, we’re going.”

**

Karyn walked down the hall of Derpy’s house, having come back from the kitchen, to find Derpy sitting on the couch. “How are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m good. It’s you who should be answering that.”

“Do you remember anything more?”

Derpy gave a sad smile. “I’m not the one who has the amnesia. That’s you.”

“No, it’s you. You can’t even remember who can’t remember.”

“Karyn, I may be silly, but I’m not that silly.”

They looked at each other, and neither one saw dishonesty or confusion in the other’s face. “What do you remember about today?” asked Karyn.

“I warped to Earth in the morning like usual, you weren’t there, when I found you, you were having memory problems, and we came here to try to fix it, then you said you wanted a snack.”

“That’s not what I remember. You came and were very insistent about coming to Equestria, but then you couldn’t remember anything. I took you to the hospital, they wanted to send me home and did, but I came to my senses and insisted you take me back. You agreed on condition that I stay here, and you asked me to get you a snack to take to the hospital with you.”

Derpy got up and hovered. “That doesn’t make any sense at all! How can the two of us have completely different memories?!”

What happened next was so unexpected that it took both of them a moment to take it all in. That Derpy’s front door should open was not completely unusual, though it was slightly rude for anypony to walk in unannounced. But to see the gray pegasus pony with blonde hair and a bubbles cutie mark really threw Karyn off.

“What the—“ here she used a rude word, to Derpy’s shock “—is going on here?”

“Karyn? Am I standing over there? How can I be in two places at once?”

Karyn’s brain went into overdrive as she ran through episodes of the show. “There are a couple of possibilities. Are either of you time travelers from the future?”

The two Derpies shook their heads.

“All right. Have either of you heard of something called the Mirror Pool? Or the Mirror Pond? It goes by both names.”

She watched the eyes of both ponies to see if there was any recognition. At this point, she didn’t trust either Derpy to be entirely truthful, but in both of their faces she saw genuine confusion.

“I was afraid of that. The last option is the one I was hoping isn’t true.” She stood up and pointed an accusing finger. “One of you is a changeling!”

“A what now?” said the Derpy by the door.

“Oh, come on!” the other Derpy, the one by the couch, said. “Everypony knows what a changeling is, ever since they tried to take over Equestria all those years ago.”

“You only know that because you’re the changeling!”

“Nuh-uh! You lied and pretended not to know it because you’re the changeling!”

“OK, we’re not going to do this,” said Karyn. “I’ve seen this a hundred times where there’s a duplicate of someone. One of you will say, ‘I’m the real Derpy!’ and the other will say, ‘No, I’m the real Derpy!’, and then we try to find out who it is by asking inane questions. That’s not going to happen here. I’ll ask an intelligent question, one that really only the real Derpy would know. What’s my cutie mark?”

“A computer keyboard!” couch-Derpy cried out.

“Not fair! I was going to say that!” door-Derpy said.

Couch-Derpy scowled. “Hmm…she’s right. It isn’t fair. We should throw that question out and try again.”

“What do you care?!” asked Karyn. “We just want to find out who the changeling is. It’s not a contest. Are you saying that you’re not the real Derpy?”

“Of course I am.”

“No you’re not! I am!” said the Derpy by the door.

Karyn groaned as she had gotten caught in the exact trap she had wanted to avoid. “I wonder if changelings have different colored blood than ordinary ponies.”

Both Derpies reared back. “I don’t want to have to spill blood!” they said in unison, then looked at each other in anger.

“I’ve got it!” said Karyn. “We’re making this too complicated. Twilight Sparkle was able to figure out a spell that would remove a changeling’s disguise and knock them out. We’ll go to her and have her cast it. Are both of you ok with that?”

“I am,” said the Derpy by the couch.

“I suppose that’ll be the best thing,” the other Derpy said. She pushed the front door open with her hoof and pointed to the outside. Couch-Derpy stood up and walked over with Karyn right behind. As soon as she got near the door, the other Derpy let go and leaped on her twin.

Now revealed to be the false Derpy, she pressed her advantage, having surprised the real Derpy, who was wrestled to the ground. Karyn tried to pull the changeling off, but was kicked back and spun around. By the time she was looking at the fight again, the two Derpies were rolling around and she had lost track of who was who.

The Derpy on top at the moment managed to get her hooves around the other’s neck, but they were not fit for choking. The bottom Derpy, in a show of strength that shocked Karyn, lifted both of them off the ground by sheer wing power. That put the top one off balance, and they crashed apart.

Karyn didn’t know what to do. If she had a gun, she thought, she could hold both of them at bay and control the situation. The only two drawbacks were that she did not have a gun and was also scared to death of them.

Fortunately, the fourth occupant of the house took that moment to intervene. No one saw where he came from, but Muffinhead walked into the room, took one look at the chaos around him, and hissed at the Derpy on his left. Karyn ran to the other Derpy and stood next to her. When the changeling looked to start another ruckus, she spoke up.

“You won’t get us this time. If you take one of us down, the other will pull you off.”

It looked around, and decided to run for the door. Both Karyn and Derpy leaped and grabbed one of its back hooves. They had it pinned to the ground. In a flash of sickly yellow light, they were holding down black chitin instead of gray fur.

“Karyn, there’s some rope outside the door by the garden. See if you can grab it and we’ll tie it up.”

Keeping one eye on the changeling, Karyn managed to grab the rope as Derpy used all her strength to keep it pinned down. Once its hooves were trussed, she said, “Let’s take it to Twilight. She should tell the princess.”

“Right.”

The changeling gave a disturbing chitter that sounded almost like laughter.

“Oh, dear,” said Derpy.

“What is it?”

“I just thought of something. You were fooled by a fake Derpy, but I was fooled by a fake Karyn. There should be two of them. Hang on, I want to see something.”

She flew to the other room, and quickly reemerged with her saddlebag. Her face was grim as she turned it to show Karyn.

The first slot was empty.

Author's Notes:

OK, LH2DH-fans, here we go. For everyone who said that they don't like how nothing ever happens in this story, the next few weeks are for you. There's going to be adventure, danger, and all that good stuff. That means no previews, just "To Be Continued" and cliffhangers.

Once this storyline is done, I'll be taking another week off, and will likely put out another clip show to cover that.

And once that's out, we'll be right back to Karyn and Derpy's usual happy times.

Next Chapter: 51: Derpvasion! Estimated time remaining: 29 Hours, 12 Minutes
Return to Story Description

Login

Facebook
Login with
Facebook:
FiMFetch