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Lyra's Human 2: Derpy's Human

by pjabrony

Chapter 49: 47: Happy Derp-Day!

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Derpy had appeared many times in Karyn’s room. Sometimes Karyn would be already awake, waiting patiently. Sometimes she would be at her computer, busily distracted and surprised by Derpy’s entrance. She could be in the bathroom getting ready, or even still in bed. What hadn’t happened, until that day, was that Karyn would not be there at all.

Taking precaution, Derpy decided to use her invisibility spell. Thoughts of Karyn having been kidnapped, tied up in the back of some van, and herself coming to her magical rescue flitted through Derpy’s head, but were dispelled when she found the note left on the desk.

“Dearest Derpy,” the note read, “I know that you will find this letter, since the first thing you do every morning is to check my room for any particle of dirt or paper that is out of place. Sorry to say that I can’t spend the day with you. I’ve mentioned before how the lack of communication when we’re both in our own worlds is problematic, and such is the case today. I was invited by my folks to come home for the weekend, and I couldn’t get out of it. I look forward to spending next Sunday with you. Yours, Karyn.”

“Hmm,” Derpy said, looking around. “That would have been nicer if I had heard her voice reading the letter aloud as I read it.” She moped around the room for a few minutes, and then took out the spell to take her home. Right as she was about to use it, she looked at the note again, and made a decision.

“You’re not getting away from me that easily,” she said. “I still remember where your folks live. It’ll take a while to get there, but I have nothing better to do at home.”

She made for the window, counting on no one seeing or caring about a window opening and closing itself, and took off. Tracking the highway and wishing that she had Karyn with her for the journey, Derpy made her way to the little suburb where Karyn was raised. “She can’t get on me for skipping my exercise this week,” Derpy said, panting.

She landed and trotted up to the house, feeling that it would be better to espy out Karyn and try to get her alone before letting her know that she had come. When she rounded the bend and saw the house, it looked as if Pinkie Pie had been through. Balloons were tied to the mailbox and bouncing together in the wind, crepe paper lined the edge of the house, and “Happy Birthday” was spray-snowed on the front window.

It must be her mom’s or her dad’s birthday,Derpy thought. Can’t be hers, or she would have told me about it. She flapped her wings lazily and ascended to the dormers on the second floor, peeking in to Karyn’s room.

There she was, slipping on a pair of shoes and getting ready to go downstairs. Muffled by the glass and the distance to the ground floor, Karyn’s mother called out, “Karyn! Do you want to open your present from us now?”

“It is her birthday!” said Derpy. “The little sneak! She wanted to have her party without me. No, wait. Maybe she just forgot until this week. I forget important dates all the time.”

Karyn ran down, and Derpy swooped to the large bay window that looked in on the living room, listening in. “It’s just a card,” her mother said, and Karyn took it in hand. “You look very nice for the party.”

“Thanks. Do you want help in the kitchen?”

“No, it’s your day. Just relax.”

Her mother left her alone in the room, and Derpy saw her chance. She flew up to an open window and entered the house, making it back down in time to see Karyn opening the card and pulling out a wad of cash.

“You were planning to save most of that, weren’t you?” Derpy said, causing Karyn to jump and cry out.

“Everything all right?” her mother yelled from the kitchen.

“Yes. Thank you for the gift! I was surprised at how much you gave me. Very generous. Excuse me.” She ran up to her room.

“Gotcha, huh?” said Derpy.

“You scared the heck out of me!” Karyn scream-whispered. “What are you doing here? Didn’t you get my note?”

“I did, but I didn’t see why you didn’t just tell me to come here, and why you didn’t tell me about your birthday.”

Karyn closed the door and talked in her normal voice. “I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, and I was hoping I could get out of coming home and just keep to our usual weekend routine. There’s going to be a party, and it’ll be awkward if I have to keep ducking out to visit with you.”

“I won’t mind. I’ll just hang out and observe the party. It’ll be a fun chance to see how humans celebrate their birthdays and if it’s different from how we do it.”

“All right, I guess I’ll just deal with the awkwardness.”

A car door slammed outside. Derpy bolted to the window and peered out. Karyn heard the voice and said, “That’s my Uncle George. Most of the extended family is coming over. It’ll be pretty crowded, so stay up high.”

“Won’t be a problem. You’ve got a nice house with vaulted ceilings. It’s almost as if it had been built to hide an invisible pegasus.”

Karyn was able to linger with Derpy for a few more minutes before her mother called her down. “Here we go, Derpy. Remember to keep clear.” She put on her best smile and started greeting relatives.

“At least you’re not responding to ‘Happy Birthday’ with ‘You too,’” Derpy whispered. “I did that one year.”

Karyn laughed at that.

“What’s so funny?” her aunt, who was walking in the front door, said.

“Nothing, just thinking of something.” Karyn waved her hand above her, slapping away at Derpy.

More relatives and friends arrived, and Karyn had to stand like Princess Celestia at the Grand Galloping Gala and greet everyone. When the party got into full swing, she was able to duck into a spare bedroom with the excuse of carrying some coats.

“I didn’t realize you had such a big family,” said Derpy. “They must really like you to all come to your birthday.”

“I think they just want any excuse to get together and throw a party.” She threw the coats on the bed and returned to the party.

Karyn’s father put party music on the stereo, and the sound of conversation drowned out anything that Derpy might have said to Karyn. Karyn could not enjoy the same immunity, since talking to no one would be too suspicious. After a few minutes of mingling, she excused herself to the bathroom.

“So, yeah,” Karyn said, “I do have a lot of relatives, and many of them are hard partiers. There’ll be a lot of drinking done tonight.”

“Will you drink?”

“I’m not legal yet. Two more years.”

“They make it illegal to drink?” asked Derpy.

“They do. A lot of young humans are very irresponsible. They ruin it for the rest of us who probably could handle it.”

There was a knock on the door. “Is everything all right in there?”

“Yes, Mom,” Karyn said. “I’ll be out in a minute!”

She shrugged and washed her hands, then rejoined the party. “I thought I heard voices in there,” her mother said.

“Just singing to myself idly.”

“It didn’t sound like singing.”

Karyn walked swiftly to get back to others. “I guess I can’t carry a tune.”

Derpy left Karyn alone and visited the rest of the party. She knew so few humans other than Karyn that she thought it was a good chance to broaden her horizon while giving her friend a chance to relax and not have to worry about her. In the den, several of Karyn’s older male relatives had turned on the TV. They were watching some sort of sport and drinking out of brown glass bottles.

She tried to understand the game, and gathered that everyone was happy when the ball passed through the ring, but the comments of the men watching didn’t help. “They really have to rotate more,” said one, and Derpy thought that would just make them dizzy. “Their pick and roll needs work,” said another, and Derpy’s head was filled with images of mining axes and breakfast buns.

Flying to the kitchen, she expected to find the conversation there more interesting, but it was nothing other than a mix of reminiscing and swapping stories about people who couldn’t make it. They’re being so unfair, thought Derpy. Don’t they know that they’re supposed to tell interesting stories for anypony who might be eavesdropping? She laughed at herself and flew back to the living room, where Karyn was sitting to the side as the rest of the partygoers mingled.

Karyn’s mother emerged from the kitchen with the first tray of apps, a cheese board. Everyone dove in hungrily, and Derpy flapped her wings a little slower, wishing that she didn’t have to hide so that she could eat with everyone else. When the crowd thinned, she snuck in and grabbed a piece of cheese, swallowing it quickly so no one saw it flying up before it disappeared.

The second tray came out, and it was a baked tofu platter. The guests stayed away from that. Even Karyn didn’t partake. Her cousin, a dark-complexioned young man that reminded Derpy vaguely of Albert, her nemesis on Earth, came up to her and said, “Why do you have to be a veggie? We can’t eat good because you’ve got some weird fetish over animals?”

Karyn stood up. “First, I’m not a veggie, I’m a vegetarian. Second, my mother isn’t the best vegetarian cook. If I were allowed to make things, you’d probably like it better.” She silently added that her making things would include secret help from Derpy. “Third, I’m not forbidding anyone from eating meat. You’re free to do it if you like, and they’re serving some in the kitchen, so you can ‘eat good’ all you want, just not in my sight. Is that too much to ask?”

He stormed off to the kitchen, either to get the food that Karyn talked about or just to avoid continuing the argument. Above, Derpy gave a silent cheer. You go, Karyn! I bet a year ago you wouldn’t have stood up to that guy the same way. You might have still told him off, but you’d be sitting in the chair, and I couldn’t hear because it was too low. Also because I was in Equestria and didn’t know you.

The cold appetizers were followed by hot foods, and Derpy stayed out of the kitchen for fear of finding out what was being eaten. In the living room it was still safe. Mozzerella sticks and jalapeno poppers were passed around, and even Karyn ate her fill. She hoped that she would be able to save a few of each for Derpy to try, and wished for a moment that she didn’t have to keep her a secret.

Whether it was the birthday, the size of the party, or just their nature, Karyn’s parents had gone all out with the meal, and had Derpy been an invited guest, she would have set her diet program back by a month. As it was, she lost weight by keeping her wings moving in her effort to stay out of everyone’s way.

The family was called to a sit-down dinner, and for the first time in the party everyone was in the same room. It was brief, as the youngest of the family were put at a separate table. Karyn picked up her plate and went to join them.

“You don’t have to sit at the kiddie table anymore, Karyn,” her father said.

“It wouldn’t feel right if I sat with all of you. A few more years.”

She took her place at the head of the table with the others all watching her. It seemed to Derpy that, although she was not a perfect judge of human ages, Karyn didn’t have anyone close to her in years. The adults all had a few gray hairs or liver spots, and the children were, from their appearance and how they ate, still adolescents to Derpy’s eye. Even the oldest had to be five years Karyn’s junior.

Maybe that’s why she had such a hard time making friends before me, she thought. She’s between generations and had no one her equal. Really the only one she knows in the same situation is Dinky.

“So, Karyn,” her oldest cousin said, “what’s it like at college? Is the studying hard? Is everyone nice?”

“I have one really good friend. She visits me every week. Even though I can’t see her today, I know she’s with me.”

Derpy nearly lost her composure and laughed at the double meaning. Karyn and her cousins swapped more stories. Soon after it was time to clean up, and Karyn, despite it being her birthday, bussed all the plates to the sink and helped make coffee.

“Do we have Sally’s cake?” Karyn asked her mother.

“Of course. We have it every year for your birthday. Go back in the living room and wait while we light the candles.”

With everyone still in the kitchen or dining room, Derpy got in another word with her friend.

“Who’s Sally?”

“My mom’s aunt. She came up with the idea of this cake that we have all the time. You know what a Bundt cake is?”

“No,” said Derpy.

“It’s a cake with the middle cut out, or rather, never put in. The pan has a hole in the middle which lets the cake bake evenly without the outside being burned or the inside being raw.”

“That sounds convenient, but you lose out on cake in the middle.”

Karyn peeked to make sure that no one was coming, then continued. “That was my Aunt Sally’s thought as well. So what she figured is that she could fill the hole in the middle with icing to make it even more decadent.”

“I should tell Pinkie Pie about that.” Derpy had a vision in her head. “Maybe I shouldn’t tell Pinkie Pie about that.”

Their conversation was cut short by what sounded like a piercing scream. The syllable “Haaaaa!” rang out through the kitchen, and Karyn got up. “Sorry, I should have told you about this, it’s kind of a family tradition to sing the birthday song as loudly as possible, and to hold the first note while the candles are lit.”

It didn’t help that Karyn was at the age where it was just still possible to have the matching number of candles on the cake, even if it was a little crowded. Likely next year she would be told that each candle would count for two years, or some other excuse. She made her way into the din with Derpy, her ears flattened down to avoid going deaf.

With the guest of honor in the room, some singers switched to “Pyyyyy!” while others stayed at “Haaaaa” until the candles were ready. Finally the combination of drunken pub warblers and football stadium chanters sang the whole song, the individual lines being punctuated with “cha-cha-cha”s from the younger guests.

After that, it wasn’t until they had finished three full verses of “For She’s a Jolly Good Fellow” that Karyn was allowed to make the first ceremonial cut. At last people got their cake. For those who didn’t like the chocolate cake or the mass of icing surrounding it, a cheesecake was also on the table.

Having the birthday party on a Sunday meant that it could not go too late into the night. Even before the family had finished their coffee, they were nudging Karyn back toward the living room to open her presents, so that guests with a long drive home could arrive at work the next day still human.

She sat in the easy chair as everyone else filled in the couches.

The gifts were not as extensive as they were for Karyn’s Christmas, but from the size of the pile it looked like she would make out well. The stack of cards that did not accompany boxes she set aside, hoping to save the most important gifts, the gift cards and cash, for last. She unwrapped the boxes carefully. Even if the paper couldn’t be saved, it was at least less of a cleanup hassle for her mother.

The first gift was a pair of shoes in just her style, practical and durable, the shoes of an IT major. Small bows accented the tips so that some sense of fashion was maintained. Derpy then became witness to another of the family’s traditions, as a chant of “Try them on! Try them on!” was raised, and would not be ended until Karyn had slipped out of one of her sneakers and into the new shoe, to mild applause.

The chant was revived for each article that she received, though was particularly awkward when she received a more daring summer outfit from Victoria’s Secret. Her eldest cousin was the only one to take up the chant, and Derpy gave him a swift love tap with her wing. Since he was surrounded by others, he put it down to one of them and shut up.

Karyn went around the room thanking everyone, and if she was more enthusiastic about the monetary gifts, no one minded. She groaned inwardly at the realization that her overseer on financial affairs had watched everything, and probably knew to the penny how much she had.

With the gift giving concluded, everyone made their way to their cars. Karyn kissed her parents good-bye before reaching the door.

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay over?” her father asked. “You can leave early in the morning and beat the traffic.”

“Thanks, but I’m just going to get the drive over with so that I can sleep in my own bed.” Karyn had a note of sadness as she realized that her own bed was no longer with them.

If her parents noticed her opening the passenger door and holding it for a moment, they didn’t say anything.

She and Derpy drove the road back to the University. “At least we can talk on the drive,” said Derpy. Her voice was muffled, and Karyn had a picture of her looking out the window and leaning on her hoof.

“Yeah. That was a little stressful. With so many people around I was worried you’d be found out, but you’re adept at avoiding people. So what did you think of how we celebrate birthdays?”

“It was certainly more intense than Equestrian parties.”

Karyn shifted and looked at Derpy’s seat. “Don’t judge all human parties like that. My family is a little weird.”

“I can believe that. At the same time, all the parties I know were thrown by Pinkie Pie, and I don’t think she’s ever stopped being a filly.”

“Are you all right? You seem a little distracted.”

Derpy sighed and turned back toward her. “Well, everyone got you a present except me. I feel so guilty.”

“Oh, Derpy. You don’t have to get me anything beyond your friendship. You mentioned Pinkie. What did she say? Birthdays mean having fun with friends, not getting lots of stuff.”

“You were happy with the stuff you were getting at the party.”

“That’s different. I don’t even like half those people.”

They had a good laugh at that.

“What about you?” Karyn continued. “When’s your birthday and what do you want for it?”

“Huh? It already passed, two or three months ago.”

“What?! You didn’t say anything? And you have the nerve to feel guilty now?”

“But I should have more of an obligation,” said Derpy. “I’m older, and I’m the one who keeps imposing on you.”

Karyn pulled the car to the side of the road. “Turn visible. Now.”

“What? But we’re out—“

“It’s dark enough. Do it. I need to look at your eyes.”

Cautiously, as if she were still trying to hide, Derpy removed her spell.

“Now, listen,” said Karyn. “You have never imposed. You let me know that magic and Equestria are real. You’ve been a friend when I needed one. You’ve even taught me about how to save money. You don’t owe me anything, except this.”

She tore off her seat belt and hugged Derpy around her chest. Derpy was surprised for a second, then hugged back, rubbing Karyn’s back with her wing.

As they heard a car approaching on the highway, they broke the embrace, and Derpy went invisible again. They drove back to the dorm.

In the dark, with no one around, Derpy insisted on carrying the pile of Karyn’s presents up to her room.

“Come on, let me take some,” Karyn said.

“No, I’m the deliverer.”

“That’s just it. I can’t make you work on your day off.”

Derpy laughed. “Too late, I’ve got them.”

“I think you just want to make sure I don’t hide any gift cards.”

They reached her room and put on the lights. Derpy set the presents on the desk and turned back to Karyn.

“I’ve thought of something I’m going to get you for your birthday.”

“Oh? Do tell.”

“Nuh-uh! It’s going to be a surprise. Even if it’s after your birthday. You’ll have to wait for it.”

Author's Notes:

Next time on Derpy's Human!

“Sounds fancy. What am I wearing?”

Derpy ducked into her house and came out with a garment bag. “I’ve got something for you. It’s not quite as froufrou as what Rarity made for you, but it covers you completely, which I know you’ve got a thing about. You can change on the train.”

Karyn took the bag and ran with Derpy toward the station. The hourly Canterlot train was already parked and waiting, and they climbed up into the day car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“You know her?”

“Not personally. We’ll just go like autograph hunters and see if she’s there. I’m sure there’s nothing a cellist has better to do before a performance than to hang around and press hooves with her fans.”

They shuffled around to the side of the amphitheater. There was a small alleyway that nopony would notice if they were snooping around, but Derpy, always looking slightly askew, caught it. She ducked down with Karyn following.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The setting was silent again, except for a low scraping sound that seemed to get closer.

Derpy was now looking at the stage, but her expression fell and her ears collapsed to her face. “Karyn, you might want to cover your ears.”

“Huh? Why?”

You'll find out why, next week!

Next Chapter: 48: A Night at the Derpera Estimated time remaining: 29 Hours, 58 Minutes
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