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Lyra's Human 2: Derpy's Human

by pjabrony

Chapter 151: F09: Derping with the Fishes

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Derpy stared idly out the window. Karyn was content to let her do so since some of her best ideas came after staring. What she had going for her was that when Derpy took time to think before she spoke, she was as smart as anyone else. “So, since your winters end automatically...”

“Yes?”

“The birds here just fly north on their own?”

Karyn joined her in looking out the window. It was the first time in a long time that she had heard bird song, but she hadn’t noticed it until then. “Yes. I guess they try to stay to the same temperature, and when it’s cold up here, it’s moderate down there, but when spring comes here, it gets hot in the south. Or maybe it’s pure instinct. I’m not a...what’s the word? Ornithologist.”

“But that’s nice for you. They come back and you know that spring is here. I bet they’re happy to be back.”

“You go to get the southern birds during the wrap-up, right?”

Derpy broke her gaze to look at Karyn. “Huh? No, I’ve never done that job.”

“But I thought...never mind, it must have been somepony else.”

“Anyway, what I was getting into was that I’m happy to be back myself. We haven’t just hung out here on Earth for a few weeks.”

“That’s right.” Karyn got up and started to make breakfast. “Even though we haven’t done anything huge, we’ve been off routine. Sometimes it’s like that.”

“I like routine. But there’s something to be said for trying something new as well. I want to do something fun today.”

“Well, that’s why we’re here. Let’s eat and then we’ll find something interesting.”

This decision made, both of them enjoyed the routine motions of cooking and eating. Once the last dish was washed, they sat in front of the laptop.

“What are you going to search for?” asked Derpy.

“Things to do in our town. Why? Is that wrong?”

“No, but here’s what I’m thinking. You might find something that’s going on, like an event, but there must be things that are, like...not events.”

Karyn looked askance. “Huh?”

“I mean, aren’t there things to do that aren’t one-time things?”

“Oh. Probably. But I’m not sure what to search for.”

Derpy brightened with an idea. “How did people find fun things to do before the internet?”

“Umm...they checked the newspaper, I guess.” It irritated Karyn that it took her so long to remember a time before computers.

“Why don’t we do that, then?”

Karyn wanted to argue. After all, the computer was right there in front of her, and there was nothing in a paper that they couldn’t search for if she was clever enough to phrase it right. But her memory lapse lent credence to Derpy’s point. “All right. I wonder if Gayle gets a paper, and we can borrow it.”

A knock on the front door put an end to that plan, as they were left standing there unanswered for several minutes. “So we should go buy one,” Derpy said.

“Pay for information? Well, if we’re going all retro twentieth-century, why not?”

“Where do they sell them.”

Karyn’s first instinct was to pull out her phone and search for where to buy newspapers, but she shook her head. “I’m sure supermarkets and convenience stores will have them. Come on.” She jingled her car keys.

The first place they found was a convenience store only a mile down the road. Karyn passed it frequently but barely noticed its existence, since she had to watch her money and the items there were expensive. Derpy stayed in the car while she bought a paper.

She had parked on the far side of the lot, even though there were spaces right up against the storefront, hoping it would give her enough privacy to talk things over with Derpy. She deposited the paper in Derpy’s lap.

“This is a lot bigger than the papers we have in Equestria. Even the Canterlot Times.”

“Well, it’s a Sunday paper. The ones on weekdays are thinner, and the Saturday paper is downright spindly. But this one has all sorts of weekly magazines and the sales circulars and coupons. I’m hoping the coupons will offset the buck and a half I had to pay for this.”

She took out the slick pages of the coupons and laid them aside, then separated out the other useless sections like world news and sports. All of these were thrown in the back seat to give them room to pore over the local section.

“Let’s see...”said Derpy. “So we should pretend like this is our only source of information. How about this, then?”

She pointed to an ad that took up a quarter of one page. Karyn checked it out. “The aquarium? That’s what you want to do?”

“If you want to.”

“Me? Sure, it sounds like a blast. But I didn’t think you would want to.”

“Why not?”

“Well, I’ve never heard you say that you were into fish,” said Karyn. “But then, I never said that either.”

“Oh, is that what an aquarium is?”

“You didn’t know? Then how come you suggested it?”

Derpy tapped the ad. “The word looked cool. It’s all in blue and it’s got a q in it and everything.”

“And the big fish on the page didn’t tip you off?”

“I thought it was just, like, a mascot.”

Karyn checked the address. “If we’re going to go there, we’d better get on the road. It’s about an hour away in a little town called Riverside.”

The town that they had to go to was in a direction Derpy had never traveled. They started heading toward Karyn’s parents’ house but halfway there veered south. The highway they were on gave way to a one-lane road with shops all along it and numerous traffic lights that delayed their progress.

“Is this the quickest way?”

“Yeah. They call this road a highway, but it’s really more like a main street.”

Derpy looked out the window. “Did it start out a freeway and then they built the shops?”

“Kind of. They wouldn’t have needed all the stop lights back when the road was first built, but back then one lane would have been enough for the traffic they got. Now, I bet this road gets real clogged on weekdays.”

They kept driving, but instead of returning to the big roads Derpy was used to, it got smaller and the shops became a solid wall with no break. Ornamental crenellations also appeard on the roofs, and there were fewer chains, more mom-and-pop stores.

“Wow. This place is kind of Equestrian.”

“It’s an old-fashioned town that they’ve kept the same as it was a hundred years ago. Some people like to go to places like this. It’s not a full-on tourist trap like they have out West. There, you get towns that are almost like movie sets. This is just retro and kitschy. Back before cars when people had to walk everywhere, everything was simple and on top of each other like this. I guess they liked it, but I can’t say it’s for me.”

Derpy continued to speak with awe in her voice. “So everywhere on Earth used to be like this?”

“Well, in this country.”

“Huh. I wonder if Equestria will go the same way.”

Fortunately no one was ahead of them or behind them, because Karyn was a very distracted driver for that moment. “I have to say I hope not. It would lose some of the things that make it special.”

“That’s it!”

“What is?”

“I mean, I think that’s the aquarium.”

They had passed a brick building that reminded Karyn of a library, but it had the same logo on a sign out front as had appeared in the paper. “You’re right. Now we just have to find a place to park.”

No car entrance presented itself, but several walking paths did, so they pressed on. A few blocks down they found a municipal parking lot. It appeared full. Karyn pulled in anyway and managed to find a spot at the far end nestled between two large SUVs. With a grumble, she pulled in.

“Problem?” asked Derpy.

“Pet peeve. A lot of these places still haven’t fit enough parking. There was no reason, when they were building that aquarium, that they couldn’t have put in a lot as well. But these small towns are tight on space.”

“I guess that makes sense. You couldn’t park a car in Ponyville either.”

Karyn laughed at that, but quickly stopped. “I’m probably irrational about this, but I think that everywhere should have free parking. It’s even worse in the big cities. You’ve either got to pay a lot of money for a garage, or search around hunting for an open spot, or search for an open spot only to find that there’s a parking meter and you’ve got to pay anyway. It’s much more sensible in the suburbs, where you can park wherever you like. This way people can come from out of town and not get robbed before they even come in.”

Derpy let Karyn spin out this rant, knowing that sometimes people had to get things off their chest, and that telling a friend was a good way. All this time they had walked back the way they had come in the car, and were approaching the front of the aquarium.

“Are the tickets expensive? Will you buy one for me?”

“They are, but they have to make money somehow. I don’t have an excuse for buying two tickets, but I’ll buy the VIP one at least.”

From outside, Karyn heard a sound that she recognized instantly, but Derpy had never heard. It was the putt-putt-putt of a diesel engine combined with the hiss of releasing air brakes. She knew that, turning to the front door, she would see a school bus.

From the door spewed forth a cadre of young boys all in identical yellow shirts, along with a smaller crew of harried chaperones. They milled around as youths were wont to do, before one of the chaperones squared them up into lines. Apparently they had pre-arranged the trip, because they didn’t have to stop for tickets. That put them ahead of Karyn and Derpy.

When they got their tickets and entered into the first room, the tour group had again splintered into a thousand yellow pieces, each looking at different exhibits. Derpy needed to take to the sky to avoid being trampled, and even if they could see anything, they certainly couldn’t discuss it without being found out.

Karyn found one section that seemed to be bare of the youths, possibly because it was in a nook and possibly because it was only a display of ocean rocks. She idly thought that they should have brought Maud when she had visited. She read the informational plaque about ten times while waiting for the crowd to thin.

“Psst,” said Derpy. “What’s behind that door?”

Karyn looked around before seeing a door to the outside. When she had passed it before she had assumed that it was a service door for employees, but on second look she realized that there were outdoor exhibits as well. This she could access, and did so.

“At least it’s less crowded out here,” she said. “Now let’s see what they hav—ooh.”

“What’s wrong?”

Karyn pointed at the sign for the first exhibit. “Alligators? Do they really fit an aquarium?”

“They live in the water, don’t they? Besides, they’re all the way down there, and they don’t look like they’re moving very much.”

“I’d rather skip them. It’s probably a phobia, but they just unnerve me. I’ve seen nature videos where they’re all placid like that and then they snap, literally. Let’s look at the nice, safe, penguins.”

Derpy thought she was kidding until she saw the display. “They really have penguins here? I thought they could only live in the coldest parts of the world.”

“Me too, but according to the plaque these are penguins that would normally live in Africa in a temperate region. They keep cool by swimming.”

“Now that’s the life. Hang out all day, and when you’re hot, go in the pool.”

Karyn agreed, but said that she didn’t want to be a penguin either. “Let’s see if we can get back inside now. It looks like the crowd has thinned a little.”

She was underestimating. In face, when they entered the first room again, the tour group had moved on entirely. Now they could see the exhibits with ease. Derpy went to a large tank with some very colorful round fish.

“It says to discuss fish. Is someone going to lead the discussion. Or is it just a recommendation to us?”

Karyn looked. “No, Derpy. It says that these are discus fish. Because they look like them, I guess.”

“I don’t know what that is.”

“It’s a Frisbee.”

“Oh.”

“What’s wrong with you? You’re not scared of the discus fish the way I was with the alligators, are you?” Karyn skidded back at the memory.

“No, I just...I don’t know what I expected, but I wanted something bigger.”

“Well, if I read right at the entrance, they’ve expanded, so let’s go to the new section.”

The new area was down a long flight of stairs that curved around and had carpets on the walls. Karyn had fun running her hand along the carpet making a pleasant sound, at least until it started to burn her hand. Then Derpy did the same thing. Finally they passed through a door that said “Coral Reef Exhibit.”

On the other side of the door was more hallway and a flight leading up. “Why would they have us walk down stairs if we just have to go up again?” asked Derpy.

“Don’t know. Let’s find out.” They saw as soon as they started up the steps.

The aquarium had built a great circular tank, all with curved glass, and at the bottom, like the punt in a bottle of wine, was the observation room. It was all glass as well, and they were surrounded by the deep blue of the ocean. Only the sun, refracted from above, provided light.

The coral formations came right up to the glass at some places, and through and around them swam eels and starfish and jellyfish and all manner of more traditional fish.

The tour group had clearly gone another way, possibly saving this for last. If they had, Karyn couldn’t blame them, as this was definitely the highlight. For that moment, they had the room to themselves, and it really felt like they had been transported deep below the sea, seeing all the life teeming and interacting. She hoped that no one would come for a while.

She heard Derpy sit down, and until anyone else pierced their privacy, she would join her. She let her eye wander from a flat, ray-like fish to the bright orange clownfish that was right out of Finding Nemo. Each moved with the minimum of effort, as nature had carved out perfect efficiency in this habitat. If there was a predator around, she couldn’t see it.

“This is pretty cool,” she said.

“It’s so relaxing.”

“Huh? Yeah, that too.”

“You know I don’t have the best eyes. Even just going around they can ache after a full day. But this, it just makes them feel good.”

Karyn was more sensitive than Derpy was about her vision, and had never noticed any strain. But if this helped, so much the better.

“I’ve heard that fish tanks are relaxing. I guess it’s true.”

“Maybe I should get one for home.”

“You’d have to be careful with the cat.”

In the midst of the relaxing environment, they both jumped as they heard a voice, but then they realized that it was a recording. Whether it was triggered by their presence or just played every so often, they couldn’t tell. It spoke about similar reefs out in the wild and how they were being threatened by development. Karyn cared about the environment as much as anyone, but didn’t care for the preachiness.

“Hey, Karyn?”

“Yeah?”

“How come humans are hurting these places?”

Great. Now she had to explain. “Well, it’s advancement.” An idea hit her. “It’s like when we drove here. Back at home the roads are wide and fast, built for cars, because they came after. Here there’s no parking and lots of stop lights. It’s old-fashioned. The town is a lot like the reef. Something that most people don’t want. But the town’s still here, because there are some people that do want it. I just hope that’s enough.”

“I hope for more.”

“Huh?”

Derpy stared off in the opposite direction. “I don’t see why we can’t have both. That’s what I want for Equestria. That we can get modern like Earth but stay friendly and not get the bad stuff. Especially not to destroy anything.”

“I don’t know if that can be done. But if it can, Equestria’s where it’ll happen.”

They watched for a few more minutes when the tramp of steps on the stairs triggered Karyn to quickly stand up. It was one of the tour group, and she realized that if one was coming, probably the rest of them were as well. “Come on,” she whispered, “let’s get out of here before you bump into someone in the hall.”

They made it up the stairs just in time, and Derpy said that she’d had enough and that nothing could top the room they were just in. Although the day was still young, Karyn agreed, and they made their way toward the exit. But even there, they were forced to wait behind a crowd of people.

“At least they’re doing well,” said Karyn. “It means that we can come back here next year.”

“Yeah. If we can find the time.”

As they reached the door, they found out why it was taking so long. Since people who were leaving planned to come back, they were getting their hand stamped. Derpy was still confused, and asked about the practice, but they were getting close to where they could be overheard, so Karyn indicated by sign language that she would explain later.

Once out on the sidewalk back to the car, she said, “Because people don’t save their tickets, so places like this stamp the hand. That means they can get back in. If they do it to everyone, then no one has to ask if they can just run out to their car or something. Because that could be abused.”

“But they weren’t stamping the hands. I was watching and there wasn’t any ink or anything.”

“Oh, they were probably using invisible ink that shows up under UV light or something.”

Derpy looked back. “That sounds like cool magic! I want to go back and get my hoof stamped!”

“That would be awkward. I can’t really ask them to stamp at the air when your hoof will be there to provide resistance. Plus we’ve already left the aquarium, which defeats the purpose of the whole hand stamp concept, as I just explained.”

“Darn.”

With sympathy, but not much hope, Karyn said, “I’ll try to figure out how it works and see if we can’t duplicate it. Then you can pick what you want the stamp to be.”

“That would be cool, and to see it on the back of my hoof...hey!”

“What is it?”

“We have to get to the car. Now! I need to see. I mean, I need to be seen. I mean, I need to not be invisible. Or at least my bag. Let’s just go!” Derpy flew off, and Karyn couldn’t match her for speed. Hoping that Derpy wouldn’t do anything rash, Karyn ran for the car and got in. “Is the coast clear? I need to get my bag off so I can see it.”

Karyn looked around. “Go ahead, but turn it right back on for you.”

Derpy explained as she worked her magic. “Right. Do you remember how we’re still searching for answers on that unsent letter? Well, last time we looked for a bar code, but we didn’t find one. But we only looked on one side. We never checked the back.”

The bag was visible and being manipulated by Derpy, but as it was below the level of the windows, Karyn was not worried about being spotted. She understood the connection that Derpy had made, but still didn’t see how she was thinking of the letter at that time. Deftly Derpy produced the envelope, which with its time in her bag had become creased. Flipping it over, Karyn could see the faint imprint of a long-delayed bar code. “Well, I’ll be...jiggered,” she said, not wanting to swear in front of Derpy.

“Now if only we can decode it.”

“Let my own magic handle that.” Karyn whipped out her phone. “Since we were researching it last time I found an app that will scan for them. I thought it would be cool to play with.”

The app in question used the camera to scan, and it required being at a direct angle, so it took a while for it to register, but then it dinged. “What does it say?” asked Derpy.

“I’ll be...blown!” she said, still not wanting to swear. “The letter is supposed to go to Riverside. We’re right here.”

“Where? What address? We could deliver it right now.”

“That it doesn’t say. It doesn’t make sense, unless somehow the sending office was told it should go here, and instead of completing the address just added the bar code for this town and figured it would be enough. But we’ve got a town, a time, and the name Beverly on the front. I’ll do some research and see if we can’t get some answers.”

Derpy put it back in the bag and closed the flap. “Now this was a fun day.”

Author's Notes:

What a rough day! I need to relax like my characters do. But here's to a better one next week.

“Of course,” she said, “you’re probably wondering why I decided to make tea instead of coffee today.”

“Actually, I hadn’t yet recovered from the initial sensation. But now I’m curious.”

Karyn went into her cupboard and set up a platter with some shortbread cookies. “Because I thought it’d go better with these.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ponies on the field were few and far between, but they seemed to be filtering in from town. Derpy was beginning to feel the nerves. Ponies were looking at her and talking in hushed tones. It was nothing she wasn’t used to, because everypony stared the first time they saw her eyes or watched her act clumsily or talk to a mailbox or such. But most of the natives had gotten used to it. Now, once again, she was the center of attention.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“That’s right. I just wanted to thank you for what you’ve done today. It will mean a big help to Ponyville.”

“We still need to figure out just how much help.” They put their heads together and did some calculations.

“I hope you’ll let me handle things from here out."

Thanks again to Morphy for this week's chapter idea. Next one is an original idea like most of them.

Next Chapter: 138: March of Derps Estimated time remaining: 4 Hours, 18 Minutes
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