Lyra's Human 2: Derpy's Human

by pjabrony

First published 25th of April, 2012

Serveral years after the events of "Lyra's Human," Derpy Hooves meets a human of her own.

Several years after the events of Lyra's Human, Derpy Hooves decides that she's lonely, and wants to meet a human for herself. Together, Derpy and the human have crazy adventures across worlds as both learn what it means to be true friends.

Story image courtesy Shadow Squirrel

1: Through a Glass Derply

Derpy Hooves looked down at the small object before her. It was designed to look like a hat, though not the kind of hat that a pony wore around town. She recalled seeing Spike wearing something like it, and she had heard it being called a top hat, but that confused her. Weren’t all hats for the top? What would a bottom hat be? Something to cover up your cutie mark? But she usually didn’t ask questions like that out loud, because when she did, ponies tended to laugh in a way that wasn’t entirely friendly.

It had taken a long time to get this object, which wasn’t really a hat after all, but which was something precious to her. Before using it, she thought, it was important to remember everything that had gone into it. Life was like that, she thought. The bad things come up on you randomly and hit you hard. Good things you had to work on day after day, and if you didn’t take time to reflect, then you couldn’t feel the good things, and the bad things were put in sharper relief.

Over a year, she thought. More than twelve months since the day she first made her decision to go after this, although she hadn’t known it was this she was after. She first had to track down Lyra Heartstrings, and track her down in the right setting. Several years prior, Lyra had done a very un-pony thing, researching a magic spell to transport a human into Equestria. Nopony had even believed in humans other than her, and all the ponies in town had been freaked out when it became known. Princess Celestia herself had come to town, and though Derpy was away at the time, she heard all about what a terrible row it had been. But it all worked out in the end, and Lyra had been living with the human ever since.

Derpy wanted to talk to Lyra alone. Truth be told, she was a little scared of the human, and would probably be tongue-tied if they were both together. When she had to deliver mail to the house that Lyra and the human shared with another pony named Bon-bon, she always hoped that the one to answer the door would have hooves instead of hands.

It took about a week and a half before Derpy finally spotted Lyra alone, out shopping in the town square. Even so long after the incident, Lyra was still something of a pariah in town. Nopony was uncivil toward her, but she was definitely treated like an outsider, not unlike Zecora, the zebra from the Everfree Forest. To actually accost her for conversation was not something most ponies would be seen doing, but Derpy was used to doing embarrassing things. She descended near her and got her attention.

“Hey, Lyra.”

“Oh, hi! You’re the mailmare. . . Derpy, right?”

“That’s right, Derpy Hooves. I wanted to talk to you for a bit if I could.”

“Why don’t we go sit down?”

The two ponies went to a table with a big umbrella overhead. Derpy set down her mailbag. She was ahead of schedule, but couldn’t stay for too long. And so, as Lyra looked at her in anticipation, she decided to come quickly to the point.

“So, you’ve been living with a human for a few years now, and I’ve heard some of what it’s like.”

“Yes, and?”

“And I want one.”

“Want one what?”

“A human. I’ve heard the one you have say that there would be other humans who would want to come and live with ponies, and has occasionally asked for volunteers. Well, I’d like to be the first.”

“OK, first off, I don’t ‘have’ a human. They’re not pets, you know. We’re friends and housemates, and we treat each other as equals. Second, taking care of a human is a big responsibility.” Lyra cut herself short as she realized that she had somewhat contradicted herself, but Derpy hadn’t noticed.

“I understand, and I certainly will treat her—or him—as an equal. And as to the responsibility, you know I have raised a foal, so I do know something about keeping someone safe.”

“But this is going to be a creature who knows almost nothing of our world and will have all sorts of preconceived notions. You’re going to have to lead them by the hand—that’s what they have instead of hooves—for a long while.”

“I’m willing to do so and to work hard.”

“OK, let me ask this: why? Why a human and why now?”

Derpy looked out at the ponies milling about. “Well, one reason is that ever since Dinky left home to go to school, I’ve been awfully lonely. Empty nest syndrome, I guess.”

“Well, that’s a good reason to want a friend, but there are plenty of ponies—“

“No,” Derpy interrupted. “That’s the other reason, the big one. I don’t fit in. I never have. You probably notice the way ponies look at you because of what you did. They look the same at me for things I haven’t done. You and I, we’re just a few degrees off normal. And that’s what a human would be if he came here. So it’s the right companion, I’m sure of it.”

“All right, well, I’ll go home and talk it over. No promises, though. If nothing else it will take some time to find the right candidate.”

Derpy accepted gratefully. Every day when she would deliver mail to Lyra’s cottage, she had to fight the temptation to ask how the search was going, but she knew that harping on her wouldn’t bring the answer any sooner, and it might change it from a good answer to a bad answer. Still, the possibility itself, and that she wasn’t rejected right from the start made Derpy happy, and allowed her to occupy herself in planning for things that she could do with her human if she ever arrived.

It was perhaps a month later that she decided she could no longer stand it. She resolved to speak to Lyra and ask for a progress report. Luckily, the next time she brought mail to the house, it was Lyra who came to the door. Derpy wanted to sidle up to the topic, not seem too eager. In contrast to their previous encounter, Derpy spoke haltingly.

“So. . . I was wondering. . . have you given any more thought to what we talked about a few weeks ago?”

“You mean about a human?”

“Yeah. . . I’m still interested..”

“We haven’t found anyone yet. You know, Derpy, you are a pegasus.”

“I know that. I’ve been one all my life.”

“Well, if you’re living with a human, you can’t exactly live in Cloudsdale anymore. You’ll need pied-a-terre, literally.”

“Huh?”

“Pied-a-terre, it actually means feet on the ground, but it’s also used to mean a second residence that a pony keeps in town.”

“Oh, I never knew that, thanks!”

“So anyway, unless you’re going to vacate Cloudsdale entirely, you’ll have to get some place—“

“I’ll start looking right away!”

“Are you sure, Derpy? Keeping up one house is expensive enough, two might be too much for you to handle.”

“No, it’s a good chance for an investment. I’ll find somepony who’s renting but not looking to stay long-term, and I’ll put in to take over the ownership on a mortgage. Then until we’re ready to move in I’ll collect the rent to defray the early part of the mortgage where it’s almost all interest, let the tenant know that I’ll eventually want to take residence myself, and rent or sell my old Cloudsdale place, depending on how the market plays. Hopefully that’ll be a rental as well so once the mortgage is done it’ll be a source of income.”

Lyra looked agog at Derpy, who had been talking half to herself, planning out strategy. “Oh, Derpy. I had no idea you... “

“Could afford something like that? I don’t know why everypony seems to think that I’m dirt poor. Yeah, mail delivery isn’t like owning a store, but it’s steady pay, and with proper economizing, anypony can save up money.”

Lyra was going to say that she had no idea that Derpy was that smart, but didn’t want to insult her. “OK, I guess you’re really serious about this then. You work on that and I’ll definitely try harder to find a human who wants to stay with you.”

“Thanks, Lyra.”

Derpy headed off with her head full of ideas. Even if she didn’t get to meet a human, to become a property owner and a landlady would be exciting on its own. Her filly Dinky had been smart enough to get to go to Princess Celestia’s school for unicorns, and with one fewer mouth to feed, Derpy’s bits had grown even as her heart emptied a little. Not that she regretted it. Dinky was growing and was going to be a wonderful mare, whether she went on to a career or found some stallion and became a house-mare.

After that conversation Lyra became more accommodating and proactive in talking to Derpy about the search, even if it was just coming up to her and saying, “Nothing yet,” or “Talked to a few people, but they were mean and not the type we want around here.” Then one time she told Derpy, “We had what we thought was a definite possibility, but it fell through.”

“Why?”

“Well, did I ever explain to you about the time distortion?”

“No, but I think I get it. Equestria and the human world are on different timelines, right?”

“Sort of. When a human comes here, no matter how long they stay, they go back to the same time they left. And we thought that would be a selling point, you know? ‘Come to Equestria and don’t lose any of your time.’ But the one we talked to, she said that she wouldn’t like it if she came here and got older while she missed out on her ordinary life back home. She’s rather young, you see.”

“Hmm, I can see how she’d say that, but I definitely agree with you that it’s an advantage. Hey, maybe instead of bringing a human here, I should go to their world!”

“Whoa, whoa, hold your humans.”

“Huh? I can’t hold her until I meet her.”

“Oh, it’s an expression I’ve taken to using.. You see, on Earth—which is the name of the human world—they say ‘hold your ponies’ when someone’s getting ahead of themselves. I think that’s what they say. Anyway, forget that. For one thing, the timeline trick doesn’t work the other way. If you went to Earth for a day, a day would still pass in Equestria. At least, that’s how we assume it is, because we’ve never sent a pony to Earth.”

“Why not?”

“It’s too risky. We don’t know if the pony could get back. We don’t even know if magic works on Earth. There’s no way to tell without sending a pony who might be lost forever.”

Derpy seriously thought about saying that she would volunteer, but when she thought about it she did realize that losing her home and her filly forever was too much of a chance to take. If only they knew for sure. “OK, Lyra, thanks anyway. Keep me posted,” she said.

Derpy had nonetheless gone off reinvigorated from hearing that there had been a human who at least considered coming to see her. But her joy waned over the weeks that came when it seemed that Lyra could find no more prospects.

Flying over Ponyville every day, Derpy normally liked to watch the seasons change, particularly in autumn when the carpet of green that normally served as her view put on a show of colors for her. But that year it seemed like she was marking time when she should have been busy. One day she flew over the apple orchard that served the town. It would soon be time for zap apple jam. It would come and go, she thought, and that’s one more experience that she would be having alone. It was near lunchtime and she decided to make it a picnic and eat under the trees.

She sat, munched, and contemplated. She had thought often about whether her quest to make a human friend was something she ought to be doing. Lyra had come close to accusing her of wanting an escape from her real problems, but the only problem she had was loneliness, and there was no better cure for that than a friend. Derpy was a simple pony, and she believed that if it was right for her that she’d find a way. Or, she thought, if I can’t find a way, maybe it wasn’t right.

A stiff breeze blew. From the tree above her, one of the zap apples let go its stem and fell squarely onto Derpy’s head. Startled and hurt, she dropped her lunch and started rubbing her wound with a hoof. Nopony was around, but if there had been some, they would have seen both her eyes, as she opened them, pointing in the same direction.

“That’s it! Directly proportional to their masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them!”

Another apple fell and conked her on the head, and her eyes returned to their crossed state.

“That’s it! We can test magic in the human world! Forget that other thing, this is important!”

She picked up the apple and took to the sky, eager to explain her idea to her co-conspirator. She found Lyra eating her own lunch and did not hesitate to interrupt her.

“The apples, Lyra! That’s how we can know!”

“Derpy, slow down. What are you talking about?”

“You said that I can’t go to the human world because I might never get back, because magic might not work there, and we can’t test whether magic works there because we don’t want to risk sending a pony. But zap apples are magical and aren’t a pony! We could send one there and see if it disappears if it’s not harvested!”

“Yeah, Derpy, harvested from a tree. We’d have to send a whole apple tree there, and I’ve never moved that much weight between worlds. Then it would have to be planted in time for it to grow and then watched. . . but maybe you do have something there. “ Lyra started talking more to herself than to Derpy. “And it would be useful too, really useful. A bit tricky to work, I might have to do some research. I gotta go, talk to you later! Thanks for the idea!”

As she galloped off, Derpy was confused as to what happened, but it seemed good, so she went on with her day. She had only finished half her lunch, after all.

It was over a month until she next saw Lyra, but for the first time in the project, it was the unicorn who sought out the pegasus.

“I’ve got something to show you,” said Lyra, as she reached into her saddlebag and pulled out some small objects.

“Rocks?”

“Not rocks. Well, yes, rocks, but special rocks. Enchanted rocks. See, based on what you told me I got the idea that what we need are inanimate objects that can do magic, and are small enough to transport between worlds. As far as I know, that’s never been made by anypony. Magic’s always just been done by unicorns. But if a unicorn could store her magic inside something, she could give it to a pegasus or an earth pony. . . or a human. So it’s incredibly useful, and we have you to thank for it.”

“So these rocks do magic on their own?”

“Simple magic. Throw one on the ground and it floats back up. Watch.” She spiked one of the rocks to the ground and sure enough it formed a faint glow around it and rose back up to eye level for a few seconds, then dropped back to the ground like the rock it was.

“Wow, Lyra, you’re really good at magic!”

“No, Twilight Sparkle’s really good at magic. But she’s the kind of pony who would never think to do something like this on her own. When I gave her the idea she realized what a breakthrough it would be and raced down to her laboratory—did you know she’s got a lab in the basement of that library? A little creepy if you ask me. But she came out later with these. Just of experimental value, she says, but could be big.”

“And we can test how they work in the human world!”

“Exactly. We’re going to try that tonight, when I send my human home for a bit.”

“A bit? There’s money in the human world?”

“No, I mean, home for a spell.”

“Yeah, to try the spell on the rock.”

“No! I mean, home for a short length of time.”

“Oh.”

“And as Twilight said, technically the experiment can’t tell us that everything is safe to send a pony to Earth. But it can tell us if it’s dangerous if it doesn’t work.”

“It’s something. It’s a chance. Thank you for all your hard work!”

Derpy and Lyra went their separate ways. An old one-liner asks whether, if you send a letter to your mail carrier, she’ll get it earlier than she should. As it happened, Derpy saw a note from Lyra in her bag the next day and did not hesitate to tear it open.

“Experiment successful,” it read. “Must meet tonight to discuss plans if you’re really committed to visiting Earth. Come to the library at eight. Excitedly yours, Lyra.”

Derpy went on her mail route paying even less attention than usual. For the first time fear started to share a place with hope inside her. She had to take a chance and make a leap of faith. Was she really completely willing to take the chance of never seeing Equestria again? By the time she had made her last delivery, she had an answer: no, but she was less willing to give up and spend the rest of her life wondering what would have happened.

Derpy, Lyra, and Twilight sat around a table in the library with candles burning. Twilight had a quill and scroll ready to take notes, and she addressed the other two.

“OK, first thing: I’ve written the princess about this, telling her what you plan to do. If she says no, then that’s it, we drop the whole discussion. I won’t help you go against her wishes. Agreed?”

“Agreed,” said Derpy and Lyra in chorus.

“Second thing is that we’re not doing this for a while yet. I want to meet with you a couple more times just because we might think of something in a week or two that we forget now. This whole project is going to be done safety-first. Now, the plan as I understand it is that we’re going to send Derpy into the human world for one day to spend time with a human and get to know each other.”

“One day at first,” said Derpy. “If we hit it off—and I know we will, I want it to be a regular thing.”

“OK, one day at first. But at least for that day you want to just stay with the one human and talk. Lyra, can you tell us a little bit about the human Derpy’s going to meet?”

“Her name is Karyn, and I know that’s a weird word, but even though humans speak regular Equestrian for the most part, they have made-up words for their names. She’s a young human who’s currently going to school, kind of like how you went to Celestia’s school for unicorns, Twilight, or how your filly is going, Derpy. In other words, she lives at the school and not with a family. We think that’s safest. She knows some things about Equestria and ponies. To humans, we’re a made up story that they can only see bits and pieces of. But Karyn has seen everything there is to see of us in the human world, so it shouldn’t be a complete culture shock.

“But it probably will be for you, Derpy, because we know far less about them than they do about us. You want to not stray off into the world without her to guide you.”

“Yeah, that’s important,” said Twilight. “And it’s the biggest topic for tonight. Lyra’s told you how we’ve developed the science of spellcrafting, making small objects that will let you do magic in the human world—hopefully. What we want to brainstorm is spells that we want Derpy to carry with her there to plan for every contingency. Then we’ll spellcraft them for you.

I’ve also been working on the design for exactly how the spells should be activated. We want something that you can’t set off by accident, but you can be sure to be able to use when you need it. Let me show you what I came up with.”

Twilight passed Derpy a small, hollow cylinder and said, “You put your hoof in until you feel three bumps. Then twist and push forward. It’s like one of the foal-proof caps we put on medicine bottles.”

“I think I get it. So let’s start thinking of what I’ll need.”

“First and foremost,” chimed Lyra, “the return-to-Equestria spell.”

“Right,” said Twilight. “And also something if you need to make a quick getaway from a sticky situation, maybe an invisibility spell.”

“Can’t I just fly away?”

“Yes, but what if you’re grabbed and held down. I’ll also give you a speed boost spell so you don’t get caught.”

The three of them spent the rest of the night coming up with other useful things for Derpy to be able to do, trying to cover every eventuality. As they finally prepared to break up, Derpy held them back.

“I just want to say, both of you have gone way out of your way for me, and I really want to thank you. I still want to do this for the reasons I told Lyra a while ago, but you two make me feel like I do fit in, just a little.”

“Aw, Derpy,” said Lyra. “I’ll let you in on a secret. We’re all ponies who don’t fit in. Everypony in town, and probably all over Equestria. Not fitting in wasn’t why I agreed to help you out.”

“Then why?”

“Because you cared, and because you wanted it, and because you showed passion. Passion counts. Don’t let anypony tell you otherwise. And I also did it because you’re my friend.”

“But I didn’t really know you until we started this.”

“You know me now, right? So we’re friends. Don’t let a little thing like the time of the friendship mess you up. Somewhere there’s a human who’s your friend too. Just because you haven’t met her yet doesn’t make her less of a friend. We’ve just got to get you to her.”

“I don’t quite get it, but thanks, Lyra.”

After more meetings, Twilight presented Derpy with a saddlebag full of spells, then pulled aside one. “This is the one that will take you to Earth. Before you use it, double check that everything is in place. Don’t forget anything. And stay safe. The princess said it was all right to go, but to be careful.”

“Thank you, Twilight. I’m planning to go first thing tomorrow morning. I’ll come over tomorrow night to let you know how it went.”

And so Derpy returned home and looked at her ticket to a new world. She hadn’t forgotten anything. She had remembered everything. She left behind fear and doubt. She put her hoof into the spell, turned it, and pressed.

I'm looking for pre-readers/editors to help ensure quality in future chapters! Details on my Fimfiction blog.

2: A Letter of Introderption

Derpy thought it would be faster than this. Actually she thought that it would be instantaneous, as she had always seen Twilight teleport from one point to another instantly. But instead she was held in a magical warp for several seconds. Or, she thought, perhaps the human lived in some sort of dance club that didn’t play any music but did have lots of trippy lights. Not the most likely hypothesis, but that was the way that Derpy’s mind worked. She hoped that when it stopped she would see the human right away, not have to go searching the world for her.

Karyn, they had said she was named. It still sounded weird to Derpy, but at least they had the same amount of letters. What would she be like? Nice, she hoped.

The magical display finally started to coalesce and it squeezed her through a single point into her new surroundings. She looked around. She was most impressed with the walls. They were perfectly flat like paper that had been painted over. No pony would ever make walls like that. You could always see the grain of the wood even if it was painted. She hoped she could see the perfectly flat trees that grew here.

Then she took note of the furniture. This was more traditional wood, though it shined with some kind of lacquer. There was a fairly small bed, a fairly large bureau, a fairly average desk with a human sitting at it, a fairly tall bookshelf. . .

The human! She had the same blonde hair as Derpy, but no tail. Her face was freckled and she was dressed up. Derpy figured that that was for the occasion of meeting her, and wondered if she was being rude by not having dressed up herself. Oh well, she thought. She wants to meet me, not my clothes. The human’s eyes grew wide and she gasped.

“Oh my gosh!” Derpy wondered if gosh was the name of the humans’ leader. “It’s really you! You’re really here!”

“Yes, my name is—“

“But you’re a cartoon pony!”

“Huh? No, I’m a pegasus pony,” said Derpy, displaying her wings. “I’m Derpy Hooves, pleased to meet you.”

“But you’re made up!”

“No I’m not. This is my natural skin tone.”

“No, I mean. . . Never mind. I don’t believe it, it was real!”

“I thought that you knew I was coming.”

“Well, I did, but I didn’t really believe it. I just saw this message on a board one day titled “Would You Like to Live in Equestria?” and because I was bored that day I wrote a little essay on the positives and negatives of living there, and then a week ago got a message that said they were impressed and that a pony would be visiting me. I thought it was a joke.”

“I see. Believe me, it’s very serious. I worked awfully hard to get here.”

“That’s awesome. I have so many questions! Do you really like muffins? Did you really wreck town hall? Do you hang out with the Doctor? What’s Dinky like?”

Derpy got the impression of the human as a little excitable, something like Pinkie Pie back home, but perhaps it was just the thrill of the meeting. She had to act as the voice of reason, not a typical position for her.

“Whoa there! Lyra told me that you would know things about Equestria, but not all those intimate details about me. And I don’t know anything about you, so why don’t you formally introduce yourself?”

“OK. Well, my name is Karyn Hubert, and it’s Karyn with a y, not an e. I’m a freshman here at USCI, studying IT.”

“That’s a whole lot of letters. What’s USCI and what’s IT? I think I got all the rest.”

“USCI is the name of the school, University of State College Institute. IT is information technology.”

“Infor-what now?”

“Information technology. It’s all about computers and phones and networking and stuff. How we can store data—which can be anything, words, books, pictures—and get them where they need to be seen.”

“Oh! You’re studying magic! My filly is—”

Karyn interrupted, chuckling. “No, it’s not magic. It’s all physical, based on the movement of microscopic particles.”

“Yep, magic!”

“Not magic. Just a system for handling ideas.”

“That’s magic, all right. It’s OK, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Twilight Sparkle back home studies magic and was worried when she first came to town that her friends wouldn’t like her for it, because another magician came to town and tried to upstage everypony.”

“You mean Trixie.”

“Oh, you know about that too. OK, tell me more.”

“Well, that’s who I am, really. That and someone who loves ponies. I watch it every week and I’ve even been to meet some other fans just to hang out. But now I’m hanging out with a real pony, which would give me so much cred if anyone knew. I guess I have to keep you a secret, though.”

“I’m the first pony to come to Earth, and they told me to keep a low profile. Maybe someday, though.”

The two of them looked at each other as the conversation paused. They were both still a little sure to proceed. Derpy went over and peeked out the window.

“It’ll be interesting if nothing else to see what a human school is like. I didn’t do too well when I went to school. But I learned enough to carry the mail.”

Karyn stood up quickly. “The mail! I forgot to go check it yesterday. Would you mind if I went out and got it? It won’t take me long at all.”

“No, not at all, but while you’re gone, could I. . . ?”

“Yes? You need something?”

“Yeah, I need a place to. . . “

“To what?”

“I have to, um—“

“Oh, you have to pee! You can just say so. But this could be a little problematic. See, I share the bathroom with the room across the way. We each have our own door, but you could go through to the other room. Point being, if anyone knocks, you have to let them know you’re in there or they could come in and see you.”

“That would be bad,” said Derpy. “They’d hear my voice. I’ll have to try to imitate you.”

“I don’t think that would work. My voice is a lot higher than yours. But we’ll say I had a cold or something. OK, go ahead and use it, I’ll be right back.”

They both came back to the dorm room at the same time. Derpy had enjoyed washing her hooves in the faucet instead of in a basin as she would have back home. She was starting to come around on Karyn, but didn’t feel that she really knew her yet.

For her part, Karyn had used the opportunity to try to come to terms with actually having a pony from Equestria in her room. On the one hand it shattered everything she knew about the way the world worked. On the other hand, Derpy was nice.

“So let me see how human mail works,” said Derpy. “I take a professional interest.”

Karyn showed her the three letters that she had brought in. “I can’t imagine that it’s much different from your mail. Return address on the top, recipient’s address on the bottom, stamp on the upper right. We add a set of numbers to the address to make it easier to catalogue addresses.”

“And a human delivers it? How does she cover all the houses in town without flying?”

“Well, there’s more than one. Do you mean to say that you deliver all the mail in town?”

“Oh, no! There are others, but I don’t think I would ever finish my route if I had to walk the roads. As is, I can hit every house in Ponyville and Cloudsdale every other day.”

“Ah, see, we get mail every day. And there’s a lot of mailboxes in town. Although, it’s funny, now that you mention it, many years ago when there was still untamed country out west, they would send mail using something called the Pony Express.”

Derpy was confused. “But I thought there were no ponies here.”

“There are ponies, but they can’t talk or use their hooves to grab things. They had humans who would ride on them and the humans would carry the mail.”

That didn’t sit right with Derpy, and somewhat offended her dignity as a pony. But then she was distracted by the envelope again.

“Hey, this envelope’s all crinkly!”

“Crinkly? Oh, the window. They do that when they have a lot of mail to send to a lot of people so that they can print the address on the letter itself instead of the envelope. Big companies do it, and it usually means that it’s a bill or a check. Given the state of my finances, not a check. “ She tore open the envelope. “Yep, cell phone bill.”

Derpy tried to parse those words and came up empty. She just figured she would nod her head and play along until the conversation came around back to her level. That usually worked.

Karyn opened the second letter and said, “Tuition bill,” then looked at the third letter. This one, Derpy saw, was in a red envelope that did not have a crinkly window. Karyn opened a drawer and put it in. “I’ll look at that one later.”

“Yeah? I’d think that that would be the important one. In Equestria, a red envelope usually means it’s a love letter.”

Karyn turned away from Derpy and didn’t answer. Derpy saw that in the drawer were several other red envelopes. “I’m right, aren’t I? It’s a love letter?”

“Maybe, of a kind. In any case you don’t want to hear about my problems. Tell me more about Equestria, since ponies are what I use to escape my problems anyway.”

“I don’t mind if you talk about problems. If just watching ponies helps you with them, imagine what talking to a pony could do!”

Karyn looked down at her feet and said nothing. She didn’t really like opening up to anyone, but Derpy wasn’t just anyone. It was somehow different unburdening herself to a pony who would go back to her own world rather than her own kind. If nothing else, Derpy would find it more difficult to judge her harshly, since she knew so little about Earth.

“All right, I guess I’ll tell you. See, the truth is that I wasn’t even supposed to come to this school. I had a boyfriend in high school, which is the school you go before college. He was real smart, the smartest in the school, and our plan was that he would go to college, and after he finished and had a job, we would move in together. I hoped that would lead to marriage.

“Now, what you have to understand is that college is expensive. If you’re lucky, your parents will save up and pay for it, otherwise you have to take out loans and you start your life off in debt. Or if you’re smart enough, or if you can play sports, maybe the college will let you go and pay for it themselves, which is called a scholarship. Mike, that’s my boyfriend, got a scholarship for just being smart.

“But they check his grades every half-year to make sure he’s doing ok, and if he’s not, they take the scholarship away. Last year he went for the first time, and he wrote me a letter every week telling me how wonderful he was doing and how well it was going. As near as I can tell, those letters were the only time he put pen to paper during that first semester, since his grades were distinctly mediocre, so much so that they did make him pay for this year.

“My parents told me I could no longer afford to wait for him and hope it all went well. I would have to get a job myself and if I wanted it to be anything decent, I’d better get into school. Well, there was no chance of me getting a scholarship, and my parents can’t afford to pay it either, so that means that I have to take out loans. And it’s bad enough owing money, but all the paperwork to get them and trying to write essays to get grants of a few hundred dollars so I don’t have to owe everything is just more stress.

“Maybe it doesn’t sound all that bad when I just say it straight like that, but here’s what it comes down to: six months ago I was living a dream that I could just wait a few years and then I’d be a housewife. Now I’m in the harsh reality of twenty-first century struggling for economic survival. And it all started when those red envelopes turned out to be lies.

“Look at me, babbling on. You probably haven’t even understood half of what I’ve been saying.”

For the first time, Derpy realized that she was the older, more experienced, and more mature of the two. That was a different experience for her.

“You’re right,” she said, putting sympathy in her voice. “I didn’t understand a lot of the details. But I think I got the gist of it. I think your problem isn’t your problems so much as how your problems have gotten to be a problem.”

Karyn, emotionally drained from her confession, laughed through half-formed tears. “Now it’s my turn to say I don’t understand.”

“You have three problems,” Derpy said, sitting down and raising three hooves to illustrate. “One is that you’re not in as good a money situation as you thought you would be. The second is that your colt-friend isn’t what you thought he would be. The third is that you’re still mired in ‘would have been’s.

“The first is a practical problem, the second is an emotional problem, but the third is just your problem, and the sooner you let it go, the sooner you’ll find the solutions to the first two.”

Karyn’s emotions took over and she raised her voice angrily. “What do you know about it? You’re just a cartoon pony!”

“I know, just something that humans made up. Except I’m here, right here with you.” She rested a wing on Karyn’s shoulder. “You said before that ponies were your way of escaping your issues. What if instead a pony could help you deal with them? Because you’re never again going to be able to see me as just that funny pegasus with the crossed eyes. I’ll always be the mare who offered to help.”

“And maybe I can at least help you avoid my mistakes. My life hasn’t been all bubbles and muffins, you know.”

Through her tears and her rage Karyn laughed. “Well, you’re still funny. I guess I never thought of you as having had any troubles. Hey, is this our first fight as friends?”

“I guess so,” Derpy said, “But it’s over now. It’s exactly how I like fights with my friends to be: short and in the past.”

The pony and the human embraced. Derpy had not missed the significance of the fact that it was Karyn who called them friends first.

When they broke the hug, Karyn said, “I’m going to go out and get us something to eat. Anything in particular you want?”

“No, whatever you bring Is fine. I can eat anything, so long as it’s delicious. But what about the expense? You said that you’re short of money.”

“Don’t worry about that. One of the ways they get us is to make us buy a meal plan, which gives you more food that one person could use, especially if she’s underweight and a vegetarian like me. I can buy a couple of meals a week for you without noticing.”

She left the room and once again Derpy was left with her thoughts. She had to try to find a way to help Karyn with her problems. She reflected back on her own youth. In her mind, growing up was something that had happened to the ponies of the generation before her. Nopony had ever given her the big book of things you need to know to advance beyond foal stage, and she had to wing everything. Literally, in some cases. Only through trial and error had she learned how to economize and how to deal with stallions who took more than they gave, even though one had given her Dinky.

That was another difference between the two of them. Karyn hadn’t borne any human foals, though Derpy could see that she was of age. On the one hoof, that could be good for her. On the other hoof, she wouldn’t have given up her filly for anything. But even that hadn’t made her grow up. She was still Dinky’s playmate as much as her mother.

In the line for food, Karyn was occupied as well. The luster of learning that Equestria, pegasi, and Derpy were real was wearing off, especially since Derpy had made the conversation so serious. But the ramifications of that were coming through. Derpy was more than just a two-dimensional drawing that someone messed up the eyes on. She had lived out many years, working a taxing job, raising a filly, keeping a home in Cloudsdale, and dealing socially with other ponies. The idea of her as a mentor was laughable at first, but didn’t seem so silly once she thought about it.

“Miss. . . Miss! You’re next!”

So deep was Karyn in her reverie that she hadn’t realized that she reached the front of the line. She turned to the impatient queue behind her and muttered, “Sorry. I just don’t know what went wrong.”

She loaded up her tray with a heaping portion of salads and vegetables, along with some tofu processed to a meat flavor. If the cashier thought she was indulging in overeating, he had the decency to say nothing.

Bringing the tray back to her room, she set places for herself and Derpy. “I don’t know if you’re going to like all this,” she said, “but it’s the local cuisine.”

“Don’t fret,” said Derpy. “Worse comes to worst, I’ll go out later and graze if I get really hungry.”

“Yeah, I don’t think you want to do that. You’ll get spotted and cause a panic.”

“But I’ll be—oh, I forgot to tell you. They gave me a bunch of spells before I came. One of them is for invisibility.”

“What do you mean, a bunch of spells? You’re not a unicorn.”

“Yeah, but Lyra and Twilight, they made these cool things for me,” Derpy said, reaching into her bag. “Ooh, we could have used this one before when I was in the bathroom. It finds the voice of the human I’m nearest and lets me mimic it. Listen.”

Derpy put her hoof into the spell and twisted, then started talking in Karyn’s voice, “Hi, I’m Karyn, a perfectly normal human who is not in any way a pony from Equestria.”

They both laughed. “That’s cool, I’ll have to let you call my parents next time so I don’t have to,” Karyn said.

“Actually, I’m wondering now. Do you want there to be a next time? Because I can’t stay here much longer. Things are going on back in Equestria that I have to attend to. I’m glad I could meet you, but maybe you don’t have room in your life for a pony.”

Karyn started to say, “Of course I want you to stay!” but checked herself. If she did invite Derpy back, it meant keeping a secret from everyone she knew, having to lie and make up excuses for missing days with the people she knew. But on the other hand, it meant having a My Little Pony pony for real! Then she realized that neither point was relevant. Derpy wasn’t a secret. Derpy wasn’t a pony. Derpy was a soul. She chose her words very carefully.

“You can come back. . . as often as you want to.”

Derpy had the ability to hide her emotions well, since so much of displaying emotions comes through the eyes. But she could read them well, and understood Karyn’s trepidation and the way she used the word “want.” She smiled.

“All right. Logistically I can’t say when I’ll be back. Time flows differently in our worlds. You may see me when you least expect me.”

“That wouldn’t be a first,” said Karyn. “Which reminds me, what were you doing in Fluttershy’s chicken coop that one time?”

“That was years ago! How did you even know about that?”

“The show, remember?”

“I’m not sure I like what it’s showing of me. Anyway, from what I remember, I was shirking off work and I know that Fluttershy takes her bunny rabbit on a walk that time of day, so I thought I could duck in and take a nap. But I was woken up by a big production number and poked my head out to see a couple of pegasi singing up a storm—not literally. I figured I better get back on my route.

“Actually, back in those days I was always getting myself into sticky situations. One time I got trapped in a snow globe! Now that was a story. It all started. . . “

The two talked as the day waned, swapping anecdotes and sharing laughs. All the tension that had passed between them was gone. When all was dark Derpy shouldered her saddlebag and gave Karyn one last hug. She was all set to activate her spell when Karyn shouted, “Wait!”

“What?”

“You’re going to disappear now, right?”

“Yeah, is there a problem?”

“I just had a moment of fear, that as soon as you did I’d say to myself, ‘You’re hallucinating. You’re going mad. Ponies are just made up!’”

Derpy cocked her head in thought. Stretching her wing as far forward as it could go, she took one of her flight feathers in her mouth and pulled hard. She felt a sting shoot up her back as she laid the feather on Karyn’s desk. Saying nothing, she put her hoof into the spell and twisted. Karyn was alone. She picked up the feather.

“Until next time,” she said to it.

Author's Notes:

And now, scenes from the next exciting episode!

“Hold it, hold it,” Karyn said. “I can’t go to Equestria. I belong here!”

“And you’ll come back here, without anyone knowing you’re gone. Trust me, it’s right.”

A dozen more objections entered Karyn’s head, but they all tripped over each other and she found herself climbing on to Derpy’s back with her books clutched in her arms as the pegasus pulled out the return spell.

“Lean down and grab my neck,” Derpy said. “I don’t know what the range is on this spell, and I wouldn’t want to leave your head here.”

“What?!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So,” Spike said, “You’re a human, huh?”

“Last time I checked,”Karyn said, hoping that the joke would translate and he wouldn’t think that she was a shape-changer or something.

“You’re the first human I’ve met.”

“Well, that’s fine, since you’re the first dragon I’ve met.”

“Really? So you’re not prejudiced against dragons? You don’t think that they’re all rampaging monsters?” Spike asked.

“I don’t see why I would. I mean, humans have a lot of legends about dragons, and sometimes they do rampage or hoard gold, but meeting one in the flesh, well, humans try to keep an open mind about folks they don’t know.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Karyn laughed. . . . She leaned over to Derpy and said, “Your friends are real nice, but they’re a little weird.”

“You’re right,” said Derpy. “Our friends are.”

3: Mid-derp Exams

Karyn put her mechanical pencil in her mouth and chewed. Probably not the healthiest habit, she reflected, but so long as she didn’t reach the lead she figured she’d be fine. Her body started to ache from sitting so long. She debated moving everything to the bed. Too much work, she thought. She considered tabling what she was doing and starting on the next book. No, not enough progress.

The clock on her desk said 9:45. The one on her computer said 9:47. Which was right? She figured it was easier to set the desk clock forward. Stop it, she told herself. You’re getting distracted. You have to study.

She read another paragraph. She looked at the gray feather pinned to her wall. Derpy was lucky, she thought. Deadlines weren’t as much of a thing for her. Even coming back for another visit would be on Derpy’s schedule.

And then, as though the thought triggered it, there was a burst of magic and the sound of a certain volume of air being replaced by an equal volume of pegasus.

“Karyn!”

“Derpy! Oh, Derpy, I was just thinking about you!”

“Good thoughts, I hope”

“Of course they were! Well, nice thoughts, anyway. I don’t know that they were good. I was getting distracted.”

“From what?”

“Derpy, I’m simply swamped with schoolwork. I have two midterms tomorrow and a paper due on Tuesday.”

“What’s a midterm?” asked Derpy.

“A test. Ponies don’t have tests? Figures, you live in a perfect world.”

“Hey, plenty about Equestria isn’t perfect. And foals in school sure do take tests. We just don’t have any fancy term for them. We just call them tests.”

“Well, midterms are big tests, though not as big as finals,” said Karyn. “And I’ve only just started studying for one, haven’t even cracked a book for the other, and as for the paper, well, I’ve got my outline, but I still have to write the thing, which is all the work!”

“Maybe I can help. What are you studying?”

Derpy poked her head over Karyn’s desk. From a textbook a page had unfolded out to four times the size of the book. The page contained what looked like a map or flowchart, with squares and circles labeled as “Workstation,” “Bridge,” “Patch Panel,” and such. Question marks appeared over Derpy’s head.

“Or. . . maybe I should just let you handle this,” Derpy said. “Looks like a treasure map, but I don’t see the X.”

Karyn chuckled. “Yeah, there’s no treasure here, and I’m looking for an A more than an X, though I think at this point a C will be enough. I’ve got to be able to draw this from memory with variations by tomorrow.

Derpy’s face drooped. “So you’re pretty busy is what you’re saying. I guess I came at a bad time.”

“Oh, Derpy! No time you come is a bad time.”

“Great, then let’s do something fun!”

“I want to, but I can’t. Don’t you see, I want to go play with you, but I have to do this.”

“You’re right. You keep at the books, I’m going to sit on the bed. It’s enough just to be with you.”

Derpy folded her wings and settled in, preparing to be bored. That wasn’t a big problem; her boredom was one of the reasons she sought to be friends with Karyn in the first place, so she hadn’t lost anything, and her loneliness was being assuaged. Poor Karyn, though. The one thing Derpy was not going to say to her was, “Why didn’t you start earlier?” Work piled up until deadlines. That was just how it worked.

She looked over to the desk. Karyn leaned over the diagram and was trying to burn it into her memory, sneaking looks out of the corner of her eye at Derpy. If only she could be in two places at once, or if she just had more time, thought Derpy.

“That’s it!” she cried, getting up from the bed.

“What’s it?”

“Come back with me to Equestria! We can spend time there and you can come back and it’ll be the same time. Better yet, bring your books and do your studying there, and you can take all the time you need!”

“Hold it, hold it,” Karyn said. “I can’t go to Equestria. I belong here!”

“And you’ll come back here, without anyone knowing you’re gone. Trust me, it’s right.”

A dozen more objections entered Karyn’s head, but they all tripped over each other and she found herself climbing on to Derpy’s back with her books clutched in her arms as the pegasus pulled out the return spell.

“Lean down and grab my neck,” Derpy said. “I don’t know what the range is on this spell, and I wouldn’t want to leave your head here.”

“What?!”

“Just kidding. I’m sure this is perfectly safe. Almost entirely sure.” And before Karyn could say anything else, Derpy had twisted her hoof and activated the spell.

“Ah, home!” said Derpy. “Isn’t it beautiful?”

“I wouldn’t know.”

“Why not?”

“Because I haven’t opened my eyes yet.”

“Oh dear! Are you afraid of heights? I’ll land immediately!”

Karyn felt the sensation of controlled free fall for a moment, then replied, “No, I’m scared of inter-dimensional travel. I’ve had that phobia all my life. The only way I’ve been able to deal with it is because there were no other dimensions!”

“But this shouldn’t be so strange to you. Look. Ponyville. Town Hall. The farmer’s market. Don’t you want to see it?”

Karyn chanced opening one eye. The first thing she noticed were how bright and vivid the colors were. But the town looked different from her memories, which she realized was because it seemed deserted.

“Where is everybody?”

“Everypony, Karyn. You’re saying it wrong.”

“Oh, sorry.”

“It’s Sunday. Most likely everypony is still in bed taking it easy. But I’m a morning pony.”

“Well, let’s get settled before they all come out.”

“OK. My house here in Ponyville is still occupied, but we can go to the library. That’s the best place if you’re going to study anyway.”

Karyn’s alarm over being in the air won out over her trepidation of the town, and she insisted on walking to the library, even though Derpy had to work out how to get there by road. When they arrived, Derpy knocked on the door, and they heard muffled voices from within.

“Spike! Somepony’s knocking!”

“I’m re-shelving! Can you get it?”

“I’m copying! You’re the assistant, you know!”

“But you’re closer!”

“No, I’m not! Get a measuring tape and I’ll show you!”

“OK, maybe I’m closer on a purely straight-line basis, but my legs are shorter, so I’d have to expend more energy to get there!”

“You’re expending more energy as is by arguing!”

“Why don’t you just magically unlock it and say, ‘It’s open!’?”

“Ha! Shows what you know. Not only is that impolite, but the door’s already unlocked!”

Derpy and Karyn just looked at each other, then Derpy pulled the latch and swung it open. Karyn peered into the hollow tree and saw the expanse of books, a few study tables, and the small dragon who, while he had grown some from the baby she had seen, was still stubby and clearly immature.

“Twilight?” Derpy called into the room.

She was poring over an old volume with a quill taking notes onto a scroll. “Derpy, is that you? I thought you were going to see the human today.”

“I am. I mean, I did. I mean, I went and she was busy with her schoolwork so I brought her here to finish it without time pressure.”

“That was nice of you,” she said, still focusing on her work and not really paying attention. Derpy’s last sentence finally reached her brain. “Wait, what?”

She looked up and saw Derpy and Karyn. Both wore sheepish grins in response to the look of intensity on Twilight’s face. In a demented kind of singsong, she spoke while keeping her eyes focused on the two. “Oh, Spike! Could you stop what you’re doing for a minute and help me? I need you to take care of a guest so that I can take dear Miss Hooves aside and have a nice conniption.”

Derpy smiled, as she had confused the word “conniption” with “confection,” and thought that Twilight was about to offer her something tasty. While Karyn walked off to the side, Twilight came and put her foreleg on Derpy’s shoulder.

“So,” she began. “Let me see if I’ve got this. You went to the human world and the one you were visiting—“

“Karyn.”

“Right. . . was busy.”

“It’s Karyn with a y, though.”

“Mmhm. And what you thought was that in order to save her some time—“

“Because apparently Karen with an e is more common.”

“Yes. So you concluded that the right thing to do—“

“Not that it’s a popular name among ponies at all.”

“Got it. So you just went next to her and activated the spell that Lyra made—“

“But since the “ryn” is unaccented you could think the vowel was anything.”

“I see. And you brought her to Ponyville—“

“I think your first guess might even be that it was spelled with an i.”

“And then decided that since you already were in town, you’d drop by to see me.”

“Or an e, or maybe even an a, but it’s definitely a y.”

“DERPY!”

The pegasus looked at her and blinked. “Are you angry, Twilight? Did I do something wrong?”

Mollified by at least bringing her back into the conversation, Twilight lowered her voice. “When I said that we were going to do this safety-first, did you. . . “ She started rolling her hoof in the air. “forget, or just not care, or did you think that the concept involved completely untested and un-thought-out experiments?”

“Oh. Well, to be honest I didn’t think about that at all. Karyn was just so busy, and I could tell it was bothering her, so this occurred to me as the best solution. I’m sorry. I didn’t break anything.”

“But you could have! You might have torn our worlds apart or blended them together! Or she could have shown up and started eating ponies or something!”

“Could that really happen just by transporting one human and some books?”

“Nopony knows, that’s the point! Even though it’s only one human and—did you say books?”

“Yeah, she brought her schoolbooks to study.”

“Books from the human world? As in books-that-nopony-has-ever-read-before books?”

“I think so.”

Twilight rubbed her hooves together greedily. “Derpy, you’re a real smart mare!”

While that conversation was going on, Karyn was having her own awkward moment as Spike had led her to a table and she began unpacking.

“So,” Spike said, “You’re a human, huh?”

“Last time I checked,”Karyn said, hoping that the joke would translate and he wouldn’t think that she was a shape-changer or something.

“You’re the first human I’ve met.”

“Well, that’s fine, since you’re the first dragon I’ve met.”

“Really? So you’re not prejudiced against dragons? You don’t think that they’re all rampaging monsters?” Spike asked.

“I don’t see why I would. I mean, humans have a lot of legends about dragons, and sometimes they do rampage or hoard gold, but meeting one in the flesh, well, humans try to keep an open mind about folks they don’t know.”

“I do that too. So, just for example, purely hypothetical question, would you have any particular objection to, say, dating a dragon?”

Karyn had been organizing her notes and pages, but her ears perked up at the question and she stood up.

“Um, well, I’m not sure I would go that far. I mean, you’re nice and all, but I mean, dating?”

“Come on, you know what they say: ‘Once you go scale, all other guys pale.’”

“What about Rarity?”

“Rarity and I have an understanding.” Karyn suspected that the understanding had something to do with Rarity never having a claw laid on her.

“Er. . . I’m going to see how Derpy and Twilight are doing.”

The ponies had settled their argument and Twilight was coming to see Karyn at the same time.

“Hi, Karyn, is it?” asked Twilight.

Derpy came up next to her, “Don’t forget—“

“Yes, I know, with a y.”

“Nice to meet you, Ms. Sparkle,” said Karyn.

“Derpy tells me you brought your books.”

“Yes. Is it all right for me to study here?”

“Oh, I’m sure we can work something out. So, what kind of books are they?”

“Kind of technical stuff. I’m not sure you’d like them.”

Derpy said, “She’s studying magic, although she says it’s not quite like what we have here.”

“It’s really not magic at all,” said Karyn. “Although I can’t convince Derpy of that. Actually, she has me half believing that it might be. Which is why I need to get to studying it so I can understand exactly how it works, or at least enough to pass the test.”

“Test?”

“Yeah, a big test on this stuff tomorrow, see?”

Twilight looked over the same network map that Derpy had. Although she didn’t know any of the terminology, her logical mind tried to sort out the pattern. Flipping around to the beginning of the book she started to read the overview and see how the study could be useful. Mostly she was just enjoying the act of reading.

Karyn pulled out a book from another subject. “So, again, is it all right if I study here? It would really help relieve my time pressure.”

“Hmm. . . You can certainly use my library for peace and quiet, and I’ll appreciate it if you let me look at whichever books you’re not using at a given moment. But I won’t let you cheat on the test.”

“I don’t plan to cheat!”

“You’re gaining more time to study, aren’t you?”

“I’m almost entirely certain that the ethics section of my college handbook had nothing forbidding travel to an alternate dimension via pony magic in order to gain time.”

“Be that as it may,” said Twilight. “If every other student has an amount of time x to study and you have amount x plus y, you have an unfair advantage. That’s simple logic.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me!”

“Nope. Ethics are a sincere responsibility, and I won’t allow even a human to violate the spirit of a rule. You can stay here today, but when you return to the human world, I forbid you to study until the test is over and you’re back on the proper time track.”

Karyn laughed to herself. “OK, if that’s what it takes!”

“I mean it,” said Twilight. “Before you go I’ll enchant your books so that you can’t open them for the same amount of time that you spend here.”

“I give you my solemn promise—my word of honor as a human—that I will not study.” Karyn couldn’t get the smile off of her face. Twilight actually thought that she was denying her a privilege!

“But Twilight,” said Derpy. “If she doesn’t have additional time to study, how is she going to be ready for the tests and still be able to have fun with me?”

“Ah, now that’s a better question. I have loads of techniques and hints to help you pass tests, having taken many in my time. And Derpy, you can have fun by joining in!”

A light, peppy melody flitted throughout the library. Karyn, Derpy, and Twilight turned to see Spike noodling away on a guitar.

“Spike!” said Twilight. “What are you doing?!”

“I thought that we were going to have a training montage. You have to have music for those!”

“You’ve been hanging around Pinkie Pie too much.”

Twilight magically pulled out a green visor and a pair of reading glasses. Raising her head high, she began to speak didactically.

“Now,” said Twilight, “Take your quill and write points from the books that you think will be important. Writing can be a way to help you learn. Or if you like, you can say them out loud. You might do better that way. But by expressing the ideas as if they were your own, you’ll make that come true.

“Don’t get bogged down on any one point. It’s more important to know a little about everything than to know everything about something. Where there are gaps in your knowledge, it may be possible to re-derive the ideas you don’t know. That’s easier that trying to improvise in an area you’re completely unfamiliar with.

“Above all else, relax. Even if you’re not confident, pretend you are and think positive. Believe you’re going to ace the exam. Stress is your enemy. Don’t let it defeat you.”

Derpy had been listening to Twilight’s speech, not really understanding. Her eyes were crossed more than usual. But after the last point was made, she smiled with her mouth open, stood up, and started for the door.”

“Hey, Derpy!” called Karyn. “Where are you going? I need moral support here!”

“Don’t you worry, I’ll be right back. Twilight, take care of her, OK?”

The wooden door of the library closed with a click, and Karyn was left alone with Twilight and Spike. “Um. . . Miss Sparkle?” Karyn prompted.

“You can call me Twilight.”

“Thanks. And thanks for all the tips. But can I ask one favor?”

“What’s that?”

“Well, I brought all my books. . . “

“Yes?”

“But I didn’t bring a pen.”

“Tee hee. I’ll lend you a quill. Just make sure you don’t do that during the test.”

Against her expectations, Karyn found writing with the large feather and the bottle of ink no more difficult than using a regular human pen as she took her notes. The notes themselves she didn’t think would be particularly useful, but she trusted Twilight’s tip.

Soon there was a banging outside, and the door flew open. Derpy Hooves, laden with a diverse melange of cargo, backed into the library, balancing the various items on her back and in her hooves.

“Derpy?” asked Karyn. “What is all that stuff?”

“Twilight said it was important that you be relaxed and not stressed. Well, I don’t know about studying, but if there’s one thing I do know, it’s how to chill! I got snacks from Sugar Cube Corner if you’re hungry, lemonade if you’re thirsty, a blanket if you’re cold, ice (for the lemonade) if you’re hot, a pillow if you’re achy, candles if it’s too dark, and aromatherapy.”

“For if I’m stinky?”

“No, just if you want it to smell nice.”

“Derpy?”

“Yes?”

“You’re a good pony.”

The pegasus blushed.

For the next few hours, Derpy waited on Karyn, making sure she wanted for nothing. As the human concentrated, the ponies sat together on the other side of the library.

“So Twilight, I’m sorry that I acted so rashly. You were right that I should have thought about it before I transported Karyn here.”

“Don’t worry, Derpy. It doesn’t look like she’s dangerous.”

“And you got to see the books. Don’t worry, though. Once I take her home I’ll make sure she doesn’t come back.”

Twilight paused in thought. “A long time ago, the princess sent me to Ponyville to make some friends. She never actually rescinded the order. I’ll have to make some arrangements, but maybe it’ll be OK if Karyn visits now and then.”

Derpy smiled. Across the room, Karyn was mostly absorbed in her notes, but the conversation filtered through her concentration. She relaxed even more.

Twilight was right, she thought to herself. The relaxation and Derpy’s caring for her did help her learn. Or at least, she hoped. The proof would be in the grade.

It occurred to her that maybe it wasn’t the magic or the other dimension or the time that made the difference as much as having friends. Two humans might have done just as well for her, if she could have found two who would care as Derpy and Twilight did.

And why did they care? Derpy expressed curiosity about the human world, but was that enough of a reason to go get all those comfort items? Twilight admired scholarship in general, but did that mean that she had to give her home and her time?

Maybe that was the point of friendship, she thought. Not having to have a reason to do something nice. She’d have to think more about that. She dove back into system theory.

As the day waned, Twilight made hot soup and set it out for the four of them. “It’s important to keep your strength up when preparing for a test. Be sure to have a good meal right before you go in, but nothing too heavy,” she said.

“I wish I could bring this with me. It’s delicious!”

“What’s in it,” asked Derpy.

“Oh, celery, green onions, peppers, a few magical spices from the Everfree Forest,” said Twilight.

“But don’t worry,” said Spike. “There’s a pretty decent chance they won’t turn you into a frog or anything.”

Karyn pulled the spoon away from her mouth. Twilight faced the dragon and said, “Spike! Why are you being such a little troll today?! It’s bad enough that you were hitting on her before.”

“Oh, you heard that, huh?”

“Yes I did. I think you need a timeout tonight.”

Karyn laughed. Even though Spike was as big as the ponies now, Twilight still babied him. She leaned over to Derpy and said, “Your friends are real nice, but they’re a little weird.”

“You’re right,” said Derpy. “Our friends are.”

They finished dinner and Karyn helped clear the plates, then started packing her things.

“Now, as I said before, I’m casting a time-glue spell on your study materials.” Twilight’s horn glowed and Karyn’s books slammed themselves shut. “You can’t use them again until the test is done.”

“But I know you won’t need them!” said Derpy.

Karyn smiled at them. “Thanks, all of you. I think that no matter how I do, the studying has been worth it. And maybe I can win a bet by challenging some strong guy to open my book!”

They all laughed. She climbed on Derpy’s back and held on as the spell was activated. She was back in her room with the whole day ahead of her.

“So Derpy, you’re going to stay and relax with me, right? You were so nice to me in Equestria that I want to do something nice for you too.”

“I can’t, Karyn. It’s almost Monday back home, remember? Mail delivery awaits.”

“Oh, right, stupid time weirdness. I’ll figure it out eventually.”

“Don’t worry,” said Derpy. “I’m sure as soon as the test is done the rest of the week will fly by like a pegasus pony in a race. And before you know it, I’ll be back.”

The two friends hugged, and then Derpy magicked herself home.

Physically unable to study, Karyn spent the rest of the day on a nature walk, a nap, some TV, and a leisurely dinner. The next morning, rested and awake, she sauntered into her first exam. Looking at the familiar half-sized blue test booklet, she wrote her name on the front cover. . .

Only to find her pen was out of ink. She tried another from her bag, but that one failed too. She pulled out her mechanical pencil, but when that wouldn’t write despite her seeing the lead exposed, she realized what had happened.

“Twilight, you silly unicorn! You weren’t supposed to jinx all my stuff, just my books!” she said under her breath. No one was close enough to overhear.

Then Karyn noticed something else in her bag. “No,” she thought, “I couldn’t. Could I?”

She did.

“Ms. Hubert! Are you trying to make a mockery of this class?” the professor said.

“I’m not, really,” Karyn said as the other students all stared at the odd girl filling out her booklet with an eighteen-inch feather and a bottle of ink. “It’s. . . um. . . a good-luck charm for me.”

“Well, I suppose there’s no rule against it. But go sit in the back so you’re not a distraction to the other students.”

She felt her stress start to return. But then she laughed at herself. “This is going to be a great story to tell Derpy,” she muttered,as she relaxed once more. She opened her book and began the test.

Author's Notes:

Next time, on Derpy's Human:

“OK, Derpy, this is a computer. It’s part of what I was studying last week. You can use it to learn just about anything you want to know regarding the human world.”

“Sweet! How does it work?”

“Well, for humans, we normally type on the keyboard, but the keys are too small for your hooves. Instead, I can set up a virtual keyboard and let you use the. . . pointing device,” Karyn said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Oh, I’m so dead. . . I’m so dead.” Karyn’s started repeating again. She crawled to the bed and curled up in the fetal position on it. Derpy’s happy smile drooped as she realized that, while not having any bad intentions, she had done something horrible to her friend. She went over and put a wing on Karyn’s shoulder.

“Karyn?”

She didn’t respond.

“I’m sorry, OK?” But Karyn said nothing.

4: Derpynet

Derpy warped into Karyn’s bedroom with a big smile on her face.

“Morning, Karyn! Ready for a day of fun?”

“Hey, Derpy! I sure am! Except. . . “

“Oh, no. Not more studying?”

“No, not that, I’m all caught up. But I do have to see one of my teachers the work I did last week. It shouldn’t take more than an hour and a half, I promise. And then we have the whole rest of the day free.”

“Well, that’s not too bad, I guess,” said Derpy.

“And I thought of something so that you won’t be bored.”

Derpy looked up in anticipation. Karyn led her to the desk and showed off her desktop PC.

“OK, Derpy, this is a computer. It’s part of what I was studying last week. You can use it to learn just about anything you want to know regarding the human world.”

“Sweet! How does it work?”

“Well, for humans, we normally type on the keyboard, but the keys are too small for your hooves. Instead, I can set up a virtual keyboard and let you use the. . . pointing device,” Karyn said, not wanting to confuse Derpy with the animalistic name.

She showed Derpy how the cursor would move along with the mouse and about clicking on each letter to type. Then she opened a web browser and brought up a search engine.

“Now, you can type your question in this box here and then push the button marked ‘search.’ Then it will give you a list of pages that might have information.”

“Oh wow!” said Derpy. “But how does it know?”

“Er, well, why don’t you ask it? Type in, ‘How does a search engine work?’ and read what comes up.”

“Got it! How. . . does. . . “

Derpy continued with her slow and labored typing as Karyn put on her coat and got ready to go to her meeting. “Any time you want to ask another question,” she said, “just hit this button marked ‘home.’”

“Will do!” Derpy said, her view fixed on the screen.

Karyn ducked into the hallway, but then remembered something and went back in.

“One more thing. See where it says, ‘SafeSearch is on’? If it ever says that it’s off, go back to the home page and start over. Just trust me on this.”

“OK. Next question: What. . . is. . . the. . . Internet?”

Karyn headed back out, confident that her friend would have something to occupy her while she was away.

****************************************

In Karyn’s experience, male professors came in two strains, old and young. Both wore sweaters and both tended to act like Spike had to her, but only the old ones had glasses. Her Networking 102 instructor was one of the old, and as she entered his room she found him buried beneath papers and disused computer equipment.

“You wanted to see me?” she said.

“Ah, yes, Ms. Hubert, come in, sit down,” he said, looking over his glasses at her. “It’s about this paper you handed in.”

“I did pretty bad, huh?”

“Not really. You showed a good familiarity with the subject and organized your thoughts well for the most part. I’m just a little concerned with some of the metaphors you used toward the end.”

He dug out Karyn’s report from a tall stack of similar papers. She had finished it late in the day the previous week and didn’t remember what she wrote, only that she had been a little punchy at the time. The professor began to read out loud from the paper.

“’The proliferation of wi-fi technology is dependent on the omnidirectional antenna, which can radiate signal to devices in range not unlike a unicorn directing magic through her horn.’ Or there’s this: ‘Lag in transmission almost never occurs in the lines, but is more likely to be found in the nodes, just as a pegasus carrying a letter will fly fast, but passing it on to others may cause delays.’”

Karyn thought it imprudent to point out that those were similes and not metaphors.

“You know, young lady, we have some excellent substance abuse counselors on campus,” the professor said.

“I’m not on drugs! I was just pressed for time when I wrote that,” she said, not mentioning that she could theoretically have had another day, “and I thought that humor of that sort was funnier than it actually was. Is.”

“Well, it’s still an A-minus paper, but scholarly work demands a certain degree of seriousness. You’d be wise to remember that.”

“Yes, sir,” Karyn said. “Was that all?”

“I suppose. You have somewhere to be?”

“Yes, I have a pegasus pony waiting for me in my dorm,” she didn’t say, as after the tongue-lashing she’d received she didn’t think it would be good for her. Instead she just muttered something non-committal.

“You know, young miss, if you are looking to boost your grade, I’m sure I can find some way to arrange,” the professor took a pause and added emphasis to the rest of his sentence, “extra credit.”

In her head Karyn shuddered. Another one, she thought. What was it about her? She wasn’t a knockout by any stretch of the imagination. Did they think that because she didn’t have magazine-celebrity looks that she would be easy? Or did they just cast lines everywhere looking for a bite? In any case, she had to think of how to get out of the situation without actually lowering her grade or herself. She wished Derpy were there. She would be on Karyn’s side and make this lecher feel awkward. Well, maybe that was a strategy. What would Derpy say in response?

“Oh, I’d be so grateful! I could re-write the report or add some visual aids! I’ll hit the library right away! Er. . . but what section has information about visual aids?” She crossed her eyes slightly just to get into the part.

“I actually had something more personal in mind,” he said.

“Oh, I see! Like an oral presentation! Give me a topic, and I’ll have something prepared by the class after next!”

“Ugh, you know what? Never mind. I’ll give you the A. Just. . . just go.”

Karyn was slightly shocked. Not only had acting awkward repelled his advances, but she’d gotten half a letter-grade bump. Maybe Derpy wasn’t so ditzy as she looked. She hurried home to check on her friend.

****************************************

“Hey there, how have you been, Derp-EEK!”

As she entered the room she saw Derpy fiddling with a makeshift screwdriver, and various components of her computer strewn across the floor, all still connected like a silicon-based octopus. Derpy was smiling widely.

“Hi Karyn, welcome back! I did as you suggested and learned how it works!”

“Derpy! You broke it!” Karyn cried as she saw the monitor displaying a screen of gibberish that was vaguely distorted English.

“No, I didn’t, really. I actually made it work better, I think. I’m still figuring out what all the parts do.”

“Oh, this sucks. I am out so much money! Maybe I can fix it. Or find someone who can on the cheap.”

“I think I could put it back the way it was if you really want it, but you should at least try it out.”

She decided that forgiveness was in order, since Derpy didn’t know any better. “OK, well, show me what you’ve learned.”

“Well, the interesting thing I’ve found is how the mounting of the various cards and components doesn’t actually have anything to do with their connections. That’s why it can still work when it’s taken apart like this. If I were designing it, I wouldn’t have put everything in one case.”

“Yeah, I can see that. Too easy for somepony to come along and tinker with it.”

Derpy didn’t pick up on the sarcasm. “Exactly. Anyway, I gave all the parts little names to help me remember. That one that everything else plugs into I called Pinkie, because it’s everyone’s friend.”

“Yeah, we call it a main board or motherboard.”

“And this blocky thing I called Twilight because it has a whole library of stuff in it.”

“It’s a hard drive.”

“Whatever. Whoever named them wasn’t having any fun. But this is the really smart one here.”

“The Ethernet card?”

“I stared at it for a long time, because it didn’t seem to have a purpose. Everything worked just fine without it. But then I found this rope going over to the wall. Do you know what this does?”

Karyn did, of course, but was now humoring Derpy. “What does it do?”

“It shoots tiny little particles into the wall to carry signal to other computers. I bet it could talk to every computer in the building!”

“In the world, actually. But you picked all that up in just an hour? You must be a genius!”

“Nah, this stuff is simple. It’s much easier than, say, baking. That’s hard to get right. But once I saw the little particles I could get how it worked.”

Karyn, who had still been staring at her dissected machine, looked up at Derpy. “Wait, you could see the electrons?”

“Is that what you call them? Yeah. See, where the little rope splits into eight littler ropes? There they go!”

“But they’re so small that no one can see them!”

“Hmm, that’s odd. Maybe if your eyes were like mine.”

Yeah, that’s not happening, thought Karyn, in between being awed at Derpy’s abilities.

“Anyway,” said Derpy, “that’s when I figured out that if other computers are out there, that your computer would want to make friends with them. That way they could talk and make each other’s workload easier. I was working on that part when you came back.”

“They already have that. Every college has a computer network these days. Ours is called USCInet”

“Oh, that. Yeah, I saw what was in place. It wasn’t very friendly. It was always asking for passwords and clearances and things, which is not only mean but a waste of the computer’s time. So I went pthhhbt to that and set up a new one. Let me introduce you to Derpynet!”

As she said that, Derpy gave the screwdriver one last turn and the monitor blinked. Its distorted letters turned into a fancy graphical display that showed a bunch of connected computers.

“ACK!” said Karyn. “What did you do now?!”

She received an answer, but not from Derpy. The computer speakers, their covers off and the vibrating membranes exposed, started up and a lilting soprano voice came out.

“Hello, Miss Derpy, hello Miss Karyn. It’s quite nice to talk to you.”

“Hi Derpynet!” said Derpy. “How are you doing?”

“What’s going on here? How can it hear and respond?” asked Karyn.

“Oh Derpynet’s real smart. She ought to be, with all the computers she can find to help her. She was helping me learn how the machine itself works.”

“But how does it do it? Who programmed it.”

“Excuse me, Miss Karyn,” the voice from the computer said, “I can do most of the programming myself. I’m fully self-aware and sentient. I’m a little strained for memory and processing power, but some of the other machines close to me are happy to share.”

“That was the other thing, Karyn,” said Derpy. “On the old network the computers could only work with the hardware they had locally. Derpynet can ask for help when she needs it. . . are you OK?”

Karyn had collapsed to the floor and was repeating, “Oh, I’m so dead. . . I’m so dead,” to herself like a mantra.

“Is something wrong?” Derpy asked. “Maybe Derpynet can help. I can ask her a question just like you showed me and she’ll find the answer, I’m sure!”

Karyn looked at the computer and said, “Ah ha ha. Derpynet is it? Would you mind terribly if I shut the mike off and had a private conversation with my friend?”

“Not at all, Miss Karyn,” the computer said. Karyn disconnected the camera at the base of the computer, then turned to Derpy with both worry and anger in her expression.

“Derpy. . . you didn’t really make this Derpynet, did you?”

“Well,” Derpy pawed at the ground and looked forlorn. “I might have gone into the bag Twilight gave me and found a teeny tiny come-to-life spell. But it was just so difficult doing it the way you showed me!”

“Even so, you can’t just use other people’s computers to help mine. It’s not fair to them.”

“But Derpynet doesn’t use the other computers. She helps them.”

“But without their permission! And the college is going to be able to trace it back to me. I’ll be lucky if I’m not expelled!”

“Oh, no, that won’t happen. Once Derpynet came awake, she re-wrote the protocols they use so that it couldn’t be traced.”

“That doesn’t matter. . . really? Maybe that does make it all right. If we can just get her off the network and put it back the way it was, and if they really can’t connect me with it, it might all just go away. No one will connect the name ‘Derpynet’ with me. Come on, let’s see if we can’t fix this.”

“Um. . . Karyn?”

“Yes?”

“I should probably tell you everything first.”

“There’s more?!”

“Well, once Derpynet got all the other computers to help her, she was lonely, because they’re the types who are all business, no fun.”

“And?”

“And so I thought I’d make her a friend for when I’m not around. And the spell still works. Anyway, Karynet is real nice too, do you want to meet her?”

The computer started speaking again, this time in a slightly deeper voice. “Miss Karyn, I’m so happy to finally meet my namesake. Derpy’s been telling both of us about you. You sound like a wonderful person, and I’m letting all the other computers know how nice you are.”

“Oh, I’m so dead. . . I’m so dead.” Karyn’s started repeating again. She crawled to the bed and curled up in the fetal position on it. Derpy’s happy smile drooped as she realized that, while not having any bad intentions, she had done something horrible to her friend. She went over and put a wing on Karyn’s shoulder.

“Karyn?”

She didn’t respond.

“I’m sorry, OK?” But Karyn said nothing.

“I’ll. . . I’ll try to fix it. I promise I won’t make it any worse.”

As Karyn was still facing away from her, Derpy let her go and went back to the machine. She started to turn the microphone and camera back to her, but then decided not to. She picked up the mouse again. With great effort she found the on-screen keyboard function again. Slowly, arduously, she began to put in one keystroke at a time.

Karyn, lying on the bed, was consumed with her worry about what was going to happen to her once every other student in the building found that their computers had woken up and were talking about how nice she was. She couldn’t even explain to anyone what happened. If she told people that a pegasus had borrowed unicorn magic and brought the network to life, no one would believe her and they would treat her as a criminal. Unless she actually showed them Derpy, which would be even worse for her and really bad for Derpy herself. An image came into her mind of Derpy in a lab, tied down and covered with electrodes, her wings having been clipped, sad and scared. Better to be expelled and maybe jailed than that. There was no way that anyone could know.

She lay there, stewing and thinking. Eventually she fell asleep. At some point she woke up to the sound of metal clapping together. She turned and saw Derpy putting the cover back on her case. She got up and walked over.

“Hi Karyn,” said Derpy. “I’m going to turn the speakers back on now.”

She did so, and the computer began talking again, alternating between two voices.

“Hi, Miss Karyn,” the Derpynet voice said.

“Hi there,” a slightly deeper voice said. “I’m Karynet. Derpy explained to us what happened.”

“We’re both of us sorry that we caused trouble,” said Derpynet.

“We’re ALL sorry, Derpy too,” said Karynet.

“We were able to look things up over the network and the internet and explain to her why she shouldn’t have just tinkered with everyone’s machines without permission.”

“Don’t be too mad with her, though. She is Equestrian; it would be all right where she comes from.”

“Yes, please don’t be angry. It’s our fault more than hers.”

“We’ve put the rest of USCInet back the way it was. We’re only existing on this machine right now. It’s a little cramped, but we figure it’s not for much longer anyway.”

“It doesn’t matter,” said Karyn. “They’re going to figure out it was me from the name ‘Karynet.’ I don’t know how many Karyns there are on campus, but probably not too many and I’m the only IT major.”

“Well,” said the Karynet voice, “we searched the internet for ways to cover that up too. I put a lot of false evidence out there that says I’m the work of a hacker from outside who really likes the fire fiend from Final Fantasy 1.”

Karyn laughed for the first time that day.

“So,” said Derpynet, “we really don’t mind if you delete us.”

“We know we’re squatting on your property,” said Karynet.

“But please forgive Derpy. She really just wanted to impress you by how much she learned.”

Karyn looked at Derpy, who still had her eyes downcast and was moving one hoof back and forth idly. “I guess they’re right,” said Derpy. “But even though I had it drilled into me before I came here, I was still thinking that the human world would be just like Equestria, where magic was welcome and where everyone is happy if you make something better.”

“Well, then, maybe I am impressed with what you learned,” said Karyn.

Derpy perked up and looked Karyn in the eye. Then she said, “But do we really have to get rid of them? They’re not hurting anypony.”

“What else can we do? They can’t run just on my computer, and we can’t put them back on the network.”

“What if they went on the network but just stayed quiet? Derpynet, Karynet, can you guys do that? Not change anything, just go somewhere and live?”

A burst of memory hit Karyn. Words like “Skynet” flitted through her brain. She thought about how best to make the point. “Yeah, that might be problematic. I mean, we—people in general—depend so much on the Internet that if anything happened to damage it a lot of people would be hurt.”

“But why would they damage the network?” asked Derpy.

“Well, they might not intentionally, but. . . “

The computer speakers coughted. “We understand your concern. We’ve read and seen tons on the internet about sentient computers like us,” said Karynet.

“And we know that you’re worried about us taking over or destroying humanity out of pride in our own superiority or something like that,” said Derpynet.

“But really, we love people and don’t want to change them.”

“Even the parts where people are mean to each other, they’re just what makes you human.”

“And maybe we’re different because Equestrian magic brought us to life.”

“We researched all there was on the net about Equestria, and we watched the show itself. We’re in definite agreement about one thing:”

The two voices spoke in chorus. “If people can make and appreciate all that, they have to be good at heart.”

Still half wondering if she wasn’t dooming all of humanity, Karyn looked at the computer and said, “Well, if you really do stay out of trouble, I guess it’s better than deleting you.”

“Oh, thank you! We’ll be good! We’ll show you. We’ll put your machine just back the way it was!”

The monitor blinked and the speakers crackled, then Karyn and Derpy saw the familiar desktop display and a web browser at the home page.

“Are they really gone?” asked Karyn.

“I guess so. Karynet? Derpynet?” Derpy called, but there was no answer. “Well, wherever they are, I hope they’re happy.”

“I just hope they keep a low profile.”

There was a knock on the dorm room door. Karyn switched to a low whisper. “Speaking of a low profile, get in the closet. Just a minute!” she said, raising her voice to the door.

Derpy grabbed her bag in her mouth and flew in among Karyn’s hanging clothes. She heard the door open and a gruff male voice speak.

“Have you been having any network troubles today? This whole building has been throwing out some weird tracking data. And I won’t tell you some of the rumors we’ve heard.”

“Weird data? Rumors?” Karyn said nervously. “Honestly wouldn’t know. I haven’t been on the computer all day, just chatting with friends.” Not technically a lie, she thought.

“OK, we’re just going around and asking. You might want to run virus scan on your PC just to make sure.”

“I’ll do that. Would you excuse me? I have to go use the bathroom.”

“Yeah, I’ll get going. Just checking the floor.”

Derpy heard the door close and stuck her head back out.

“The coast is clear, Derpy, you can come out,” said Karyn.

“You live on the coast? I thought we were inland.”

“It’s just an expression. Forget about it. What do you want to do now?”

“Well, I was having fun learning all about human stuff on the computer. Can I look up some more, the right way?”

“Sure, Derpy.”

Derpy went back to the desktop and set down her bag. As she did, she lifted the flap and looked in. “Oh,” she said. “I wonder if I could have used this one instead.” She pulled out another hoof-cap spell.

“What’s that one?”

“It’s labeled ‘precision manipulation.’ I think I know how it works.” She activated the spell and put her hoof toward the keyboard. It looked as if a magnifying glass were applied to the keys, making the ones close to her hoof huge, while the reverse effect happened to the hoof itself. When she actually touched it, she could press it perfectly without hitting any of the keys next to it.

“Yeah,”said Derpy. “This would have been better than the come-to-life spell.”

Karyn slapped her face and wiped her hand down the side of her cheek while sighing audibly. “Derpy, you are without doubt the most exasperating pony it’s ever been my privilege to be friends with.”

“Is that a good thing?”

“It’s a very good thing. Show me what you’re going to search for.”

“Wait, let me try that gesture you just did!” Derpy said, and tried to facepalm herself. Unfortunately the spell was still on her hoof, and she wound up poking herself beneath a giant eyeball.

“Whoa,” she said. “That felt weird. Won’t do that again.”

“You do know how to undo that spell, don’t you?”

“Oh yeah, definitely. Almost entirely sure.”

Karyn and Derpy spent a few more hours on the computer, with Derpy doing all the typing and picking most of the searches. She learned briefly about human life, what they did for fun, some of the jobs they did. The time wore on.

“Aw, it’s almost time for me to go,” said Derpy. “I wish I could stay on the computer forever!”

“Actually, you want to watch out for that. It’s possible to get addicted to the internet and lose track of real life.” Karyn looked pained as she said that, as if it were a personal memory.

“Hmm. . . yeah, I can see that. Next time we’ve definitely got to get outside and stretch our hooves!”

“Outside? That’s a little problematic, don’t you think?”

“Oh, I’ll use an invisibility spell or something. Or we’ll go back to Equestria. And speaking of which,” Derpy said as she began shouldering her bag.

“Gotta go, huh? OK, come back soon. Somepony’s got to keep me on my toes. How bored would I be without you here making my computer come to life and risking everything I’m in school for? Have a good week, Derpy.”

“Have a good week, Karyn.”

Derpy disappeared, and Karyn turned back to her computer. “You two also, wherever you are.”

Author's Notes:

Next time, on Derpy's Human

“Why do we have to go back to Equestria? Is there something going on?”

“Is there? There’s something huge! And you’re going to be in on it. You’re my ringer!”

“Back up, Derpy. No, not literally,” Karyn said as Derpy had started to skitter away from her friend.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The pegasi trotted off in disappointment.

Gathering around on their side of the field, they all looked at Karyn and Derpy, but nopony said anything. Off in the distance, Rainbow Dash was turned the other way, deliberately not looking at the team.

“Exactly what are we doing wrong?” asked Thunderlane.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The party was held outside, and there were lots of hot food being cooked on open fires. “It’s actually like a tailgate party back home.”

“What’s that?” asked Derpy. “A party where you go around at a gait to show off your tails? But you don’t even have a tail! You’d have a mane-gate party instead.”

Be sure to read it, same Derp-time, same Derp-channel!

5: DEEEEEEEEEEEERP!

“Morning, Derpy!” said Karyn. “I made whole wheat pancakes for breakfast!”

“Well, put them in the fridge and have them tomorrow,” said Derpy “Or. . . today. Or, the today after today, which is tomorrow, except it’s today. Because you’re going to be in Equestria today! Pack your stuff and hop on.”

Karyn finally understood why Derpy was having such trouble with her tenses, but that just led to a bigger question.

“Why do we have to go back to Equestria? Is there something going on?”

“Is there? There’s something huge! And you’re going to be in on it. You’re my ringer!”

“Back up, Derpy. No, not literally,” Karyn said as Derpy had started to skitter away from her friend. “Explain and start at the beginning.”

“Sorry, I get a little excited. It’s Sports and Games Day in Ponyville.”

“And that is?”

“It’s a day when we play sports and games,” said Derpy.

“Well, that makes sense.”

“Every year there’s a big team competition between pegasi and Earth Ponies.”

“What about unicorns?”

“They referee. And then there’s a match between pegasi and them and the Earth ponies ref, and between the Earth ponies and the unicorns and we ref. But I’m on the team that’s playing the Earth ponies. And now, so are you!”

“Me? I’m not a pegasus! I’m not even a pony!”

“They said it was OK. The Earth ponies, I mean. See, the thing is, we’ve lost to them several years running. Well, a lot of years running. In fact, it’s more like several years flying.”

“Mmhm,” Karyn grunted. “Have you ever beaten them?”

“Oh, sure! Almost entirely sure. Just must have happened before I joined up.”

“I can’t believe that Rainbow Dash puts up with that much losing.”

“Yeah, she’s on the team that plays the unicorns. Insists on it for some reason. And always lets me go up against the Earth ponies. Rainbow Dash is real nice!”

Karyn read something sinister into the motive described, but since the other pony wasn’t around to defend herself, she decided not to pursue the line of questioning.

“Anyway,” Derpy continued, “The point is that the Earth ponies are really confident. And I think that they’re overconfident. So much so that they pretty much agreed that we could set the rules of the game as we liked. That’s when I got an idea. You see, last week when I was searching on the computer, I took a look at some games humans play. I figured that if I could get you on the team, and play a human game, we’d have a major advantage and a chance to win for once!”

“Well, that sounds like fun, playing games with all the ponies. And yeah, if it’s something where hands can beat hooves, then I can really have some fun! So what did you pick?”

“The most popular human game I could find. Soccer!”

Karyn facepalmed. “Did you actually read about what soccer is?”

“A little. I know that humans play it everywhere, and I think that the Ajax team has some cool uniforms, and that you’ve got that wonderful World Cup that you play for with the humans holding up the big ball with their hands. I figured that if that’s a depiction of how the game is played, that you’d be awesome at it.”

“Derpy, look at me. Soccer is a game where it’s specifically forbidden to use your hands!”

Derpy just stared at Karyn for a bit. Her smile faded. “Well, why in the name of Celestia would you invent a game like that?! Do you think that pegasi would have a game where you couldn’t fly? Do you think that when unicorns send their fillies out to play they say, ‘Now be careful and don’t use your magic, or else you might actually learn to use it better’”?

“Hey, Derpy, I’m American. You’re preaching to the choir on this one.”

“Huh? There’s twenty-five pieces of paper around here that do like soccer?”

“Not the quire, the choir! Wait, how do you know that word?”

“We use it all the time. Ponies are always buying quires of paper to write lists on. Like the list of players on each team in a soccer game that we’re going to get slaughtered in!”

“Don’t panic,” said Karyn. “We’ll just go and ask if they can change it to lacrosse or field hockey.”

“You can use your hands in those?”

“Absolutely. Granted they’re a bit more contact sports. . . “ An image appeared in Karyn’s head of her running down a field only to have Applejack or somepony run into her as hard as they could. “. . . Or maybe we can try to win the soccer game anyway! Let me go and print out a copy of the rules.” Hopping on the computer, Karyn did a quick search for soccer rules, looking for a version that gave particular emphasis to safe play.

Derpy knelt for Karyn to get on and then activated the trans-dimensional spell. They reconstituted flying above a verdant field where groups of ponies were gathered around. A few unicorns were pulling strings and tying them to stakes, drawing the boundaries of the soccer field. Derpy landed by the pegasi and set Karyn down.

“Hey, everypony.” Derpy said, trying to show confidence. “This is Karyn, the human I told you about.”

Seven pegasi greeted Karyn, a little unsure of themselves around the strange creature from another world. “So, I guess I’m here to play soccer with you all. I don’t have a whole lot of experience, but we’ll all try our best, right?”

The pegasi loosened up and started flapping their wings excitedly. Karyn was slightly taken aback at how few of their names she knew. Looking across the field at the Earth pony team, she recognized Cheerilee, Big Macintosh, Aloe, Lotus, Bon-Bon, and some others. But among her own mates. . . was that one Thunderlane? Or was that the name of the big muscular one with the tiny wings? The one with the big hair—Cloudchaser? She hoped she’d get them sorted out as the game progressed. Then she saw one who she could definitely recognize.

“You bet you will!” said Rainbow Dash.

“Hey, Rainbow,” said Derpy. “I thought you were on the other pegasus team.”

“Oh, I am. But when I got the word that you guys were really going all out to beat the Earth ponies this year, I called in a few favors to boost our chances a bit. Meet your new front line. . . whatever that is. Soarin’, Spitfire, and Fleetfoot!”

Rainbow pointed a wing behind her where three ponies in the signature blue of the Wonderbolts were standing and chatting. Seeing that they were called for, they headed over to the rest of the team.

“Well,” Karyn said to Derpy, “That should give us at least a chance, having some professional athletes on our side.”

“Hi. . . Karyn?” a voice said from behind her. She turned to see a mint-green unicorn in a black and white striped shirt. “I’m Lyra. You probably don’t remember me, but I sent you a message a while back over the computer thingy you have.”

Derpy stepped in. “It’s called the internet, Lyra. I know all about it.”

Karyn gave her friend a sly sideways look as Lyra was talking to her again. “I’ll be refereeing your match. I understand you know all the rules?”

“Actually I have them written down here,” said Karyn.

Lyra looked over the pages of laser print. “Wow! You have really consistent penmanship! I wish I had hands so I could write like this! OK, I’m going to go read and explain these to the other side. You let your team know and we’ll start when everypony gets here.” She trotted off with her nose buried in the paper.

“So, Derpy,” said Fleetfoot, “What ideas do you have for strategy?”

Derpy pawed at the ground. It was time to confess that her plan to have a human play a human game had a kink in it.

“I had planned to have Karyn use her hands to help, but. . . “

Karyn interrupted, “But maybe one of you is really keen to play goal?”

None of the pegasi had any idea of what that meant, and shook their heads in confusion. But Derpy perked up at Karyn’s idea.

“I think letting me play there will be for the best,” Karyn continued. “All of you run on all fours, which gives you twice as many limbs to kick the ball with. Also the goalie is the only one allowed to hold onto the ball, and since their goalie can’t do that, it’ll give us an edge.”

“So we should take lots of shots at their goal?” asked Soarin’.

“Oh yeah,” said Karyn. “A lot of shots. Even if it doesn’t go in, there should be rebound chances. Keep the ball on the other side of the field as much as possible.”

“Sounds good. OK, team, let’s stretch and warm up!” said Spitfire.

Karyn started walking to the field when Derpy caught up with her and whispered, “Karyn, what are you thinking?!”

“Self-preservation. If I’m in goal, then hopefully for half of the game I can’t screw anything up.”

“What are you going to do about the other half?”

“Pray.”

A troop of unicorns were magically lifting into place wooden planks that would form the two goals, and some canvas was draped over the back to serve as netting. The Earth ponies were having their own strategy huddle which broke up as Lyra came to the middle of the field. Far away, Karyn could see Pinkie Pie taking up the spot in the opposing net.

“OK, where’s my whistle?” Lyra asked.

Fluttershy came out of the stands holding a small woodpecker. “Please be careful with Woodrow here,” she said.

“Don’t worry, I’m not directly stimulating him to call, just playing his vocal cords as I would a lyre. OK, everypony, let’s begin.”

The game kicked off, and Karyn found herself not screwing up nearly as badly as she feared. Given the inexperience of all involved, the shots were mostly taken either directly toward the center of the net and not that hard, or else well wide as somepony tried to hit the corner but overcorrected.

In the play in the middle of the field, neither side could set up plays or strategize much. Possession changes were frequent, as were fouls. One point of awkwardness came when the ball was kicked over the sideline by Nurse Redheart, as it was discovered that the throw-in rule hadn’t been designed for ponies. It was debated whether “both feet on the ground” meant all four feet, whether the pegasi were allowed to use their wings to throw it in, and whether the pony could put their head down on the ground to satisfy the “over the head” part of the rule. Eventually play restarted and both teams tried to keep it in the middle of the field.

Thirty minutes in, Karyn was feeling fairly confident. Then as the Earth ponies moved the ball down the line to her right, the pegasus defending overcommitted and the ball was passed to Big Macintosh, twenty yards away, wide open, and dead center. The big stallion reared back his front hoof and kicked the ball with all his might. Karyn stepped in front and stuck out her hands to try to deflect it, but the force of the shot knocked her over and the ball continued past her into the net.

A cheer went up from the other side and their fans. Karyn looked over at Derpy and saw her face downcast. She resolved not to let in another goal.

Spurred on by their lead, the Earth ponies pressed their advantage. Karyn got an awful lot of exercise running from side to side in the goal, and received more than one bruise from other strong shots. About ten minutes after the goal, she tipped one such shot over the top bar and Lyra whistled for a corner kick.

“Come on, everypony, get back and defend!” yelled Karyn.

The pegasi flew back and filled up the box, each picking an Earth Pony to stand next to. In the corner, Silver Spoon prepared to put the ball back in play. As she kicked it in, every pegasus started blocking off the pony they were defending. So concerned were they that nopony noticed Pinkie Pie sneaking in behind to the left. The ball made it past all the action and right to her, and with Karyn on the other side she kicked it into the open side. It was 2 – 0 in favor of the Earth ponies.

“Foul!” cried Derpy. “The goalie can’t leave the goal and come all the way down and score!”

“No, Derpy, it’s legal,” said Karyn. “Unusual, but allowed. If she does it again, we’ll have to counterattack and move it quickly down the field. We might get an open shot like that.”

Sure enough, with stoppage time approaching, a free kick was awarded from thirty yards away, again to the right side. As the pegasi formed a wall, Karyn noticed Pinkie coming up the other side. The indirect kick came in at the wrong angle, and Pinkie Pie dove for it, but Derpy playing defense got to it first.

“Quick, now!” called Karyn. “Get it in before she can get back!” Pinkie was face down right next to Karyn as every other pony was racing the other way.

Derpy kicked it to Spitfire, who dribbled it with speed up the right side. Fleetfoot flew ahead and Spitfire launched it just onside. Fleetfoot was past everypony and had nothing but clear turf ahead of her. She let the ball go and it sailed toward the open goal. . .

And was blocked by Pinkie Pie.

Karyn rubbed her eyes in disbelief, as she saw Pinkie appear out of nowhere to stop the shot while still lying in the grass at her feet. “How can she be in two places at once?!” she cried.

“Tee-hee! I’m Pinkie Pie!” the one next to her said, and then she winked out of existence.

Lyra whistled the end of the first half, and the pegasi trotted off in disappointment.

Gathering around on their side of the field, they all looked at Karyn and Derpy, but nopony said anything. Off in the distance, Rainbow Dash was turned the other way, deliberately not looking at the team.

“Exactly what are we doing wrong?” asked Thunderlane.

“It’s not necessarily that,” said Karyn. “Soccer sometimes is random. We can play our best and still lose, and it doesn’t help that Pinkie Pie can seemingly teleport wherever she has to go. How does she do that, anyway?”

“Nopony ever asks,” said Derpy “It’s Earth pony magic, yet she seems to be able to control it like a unicorn.”

“I guess that all the different types do have their own special talents. Hey, maybe that’s how we can get back into this!” Karyn perked up and huddled the pegasi together. “When we get back out there, try to kick the ball in the air as often as possible, then go fly up and get it. We can use that to get it into the box. Make that your goal. Lyra’s been calling a lot of fouls, so if we can get some there, maybe we can get some penalty kicks as well, and those are a good chance to score.”

The halftime break was soon over, and when Karyn had rehydrated herself, she took up her position again in goal. It was definitely easier for her as play resumed, as the Earth ponies’ plan was clearly to sit on their lead and run out the clock. But it was frustrating, and Derpy was constantly looking toward her in desperation.

“Come on, pegasi!” Karyn called. “Use the strategy!

The next time the ball came to her, Karyn, rather than passing it off to somepony near her, kicked it as hard as she could in the air. It only went about twenty yards away, but many more straight up. Cloudchaser kicked it even farther up and the pegasi were able to move it up the field uncontested. Lyra followed the action closely to make sure that they didn’t go over the end line. When they finally reached the box, Spitfire kicked it straight down toward the goal. Pinkie Pie leaped at it but missed, the ball bounced on the ground, and hit the netting just on the other side of the plank. The pegasi had scored.

“Is that legal?!” Pinkie Pie called out.

From all the way on the other side of the field, Derpy cried back, “You’re one to talk!”

Pinkie stuck her tongue out and made a face, but went back to her position.

The pegasi were relentless in their attack, and the play was almost entirely in the Earth ponies’ half of the field. The score remained 2 – 1 against them though, as the trick could not be made to work again. At the seventy minute mark, another attempt was whistled down by Lyra for a penalty kick to be taken by Fleetfoot.

Karyn ran up to him and gave some coaching. “This is a very good chance to score. Pick a direction, left or right, and kick it there. Pinkie not only has to dive for it, but she has to guess right as well, so you’ve got a fifty-fifty shot of having an open net.”

Fleetfoot approached the ball and planned the shot out in her head. A slow trot, then medium canter, then a full gallop as she slammed the ball hard to the right. Pinkie dove in the same direction and tipped it just wide of the net.

Three more times in the remaining minutes the pegasi generated penalty kicks, and each time Pinkie made the save. In one case, she actually started her dive before Spitfire kicked the ball, but still managed to pick the right direction.

“It must be some extension of her Pinkie sense!” said Karyn

“Probably,” said Derpy. “I wonder if they’ll let me on the team next year after we lose this one.”

“Hey, don’t give up hope, Derpy! Like we say on Earth, ‘It ain’t over till it’s over!’”

“That’s just a tautology.”

“But the thing about tautologies is that they’re true.”

Past ninety minutes, into stoppage time. The pegasi made another rush, not knowing if it would be their last. Soarin’ flew the ball into the box, and got her hooves tangled up with Big Macintosh’s. Lyra blew her whistle and signalled for another penalty.

“Bring it on!” said Pinkie Pie. “I’ll stop this one and then it’s on to the victory party!”

“Wait!” Karyn called from back.

She ran all the way up to the opposing goal. “Lyra, does Soarin’ have to take the kick herself?”

“I don’t think so,” said Lyra. “The rules say anypony can take it. Well, ‘anypony’ is misspelled, but that’s what it says.”

Karyn turned back to her team. “Let Derpy take it.”

“What?!” every pegasus said in chorus.

“Please, no, Karyn,” said Derpy. “I’ve already messed things up so much.”

“Everypony, listen,” said Karyn. “Pinkie’s anticipating your shots, because she’s reading either your eyes or your mind. Well, she can’t read Derpy’s eyes.”

“But she can read my mind!”

“So don’t decide which way you’re going to kick it until you’ve kicked it. Got it?”

“That makes no sense at all.”

“That’s why it has a chance.”

Lyra came over to them and said, “Somepony has to take it, or I’ll just end the game here.”

“OK,” said Derpy. “I’ll do it. And then I’ll go pack my things to move out of town.”

Derpy approached the circle, and for the first time all game Pinkie Pie looked nervous. She tried to stare down Derpy, but she was looking only at the ball, fearing more than anything to miss it entirely. Sweat was pouring down Pinkie’s face. Derpy trotted up slowly. Pinkie didn’t know what to do. At the last moment, she split herself into two again and one stood at each goalpost.

And Derpy kicked the ball perfectly straight, right into the middle of the goal.

The pegasi cheered, and Lyra blew the double whistle a moment later.

“So how do we finish this thing?” asked Pinkie. “Sudden death? Full period? Shootout?”

Karyn said, “Why don’t we just call it a draw? You keep your undefeated streak, the pegasi break the losing streak. Everypony’s happy.”

“Works for me! “I’ll change the victory party to a ‘tied party’ and that way everypony can come!”

The pegasi gathered around Derpy and lifted her up onto their shoulders. They were about to carry her off the field, when she called, “Wait! Karyn, come on up and ride with me!”

The throng descended and Karyn climbed on Derpy’s back once more. Flying on one pegasus was interesting enough for her. Flying on ten was quite unnerving.

The party was held outside, and there were lots of hot food being cooked on open fires. “It’s actually like a tailgate party back home.”

“What’s that?” asked Derpy. “A party where you go around at a gait to show off your tails? But you don’t even have a tail! You’d have a mane-gate party instead.”

“Heh. It’s not that. Any party centered around a sporting event where you eat and drink a lot is called that. I’m not surprised that Pinkie managed to pull one off.”

As if triggered by hearing her name, Pinkie Pie came up to where Derpy and Karyn were and offered them veggie-burgers which they consumed with relish and other condiments. Then she brought out neckerchiefs and insisted they be worn.

“It is a tied party after all!” she said in her typically overexcited way. “I don’t know what you do at a tied party, but whatever it is we do, that must be it!”

“Back on Earth there’s an expression that a tie is like kissing your sister,” Karyn said.

“Really?” said Pinkie. “Hey, Blinky! Where are you? I want to try something!” She ran off to find her target.

Karyn munched on her burger and tried to stay out of the way as much as possible. Most of the ponies acted a little awkward around her. Derpy stayed by her side throughout, and eventually Rainbow Dash, who had been waiting to talk to Derpy, trotted over.

“So, Derpy,” she said. “You didn’t manage to completely screw that up. Nice job.”

“Hey, give some credit here to Karyn,” Derpy said. “She played really hard and she was the one who gave me the confidence to take the last shot.”

“The human?” said Rainbow. She looked at Karyn a little awkwardly, then tenderly extended a hoof. “Thanks for helping out. I sure do wish we could have won, though.”

“So do I,” said Karyn as she shook Rainbow’s hoof. “I never had a preference before, but I can say now that pegasi are my favorite type of pony.”

She said this looking at Derpy, who wore a grateful smile.

“Definitely the right choice!” said Rainbow. “I’ll talk to you later. You’re not so bad, you know!”

Derpy went over to Karyn. “Coming from Rainbow Dash, that’s high praise. So what do you want to do after the party?”

“Head home and soak in a hot bathtub. I haven’t done that much exercise in a long time!” said Karyn.

Music played as the ponies celebrated. Derpy also felt tired and bruised and thought it would be prudent to take Karyn home soon, but she felt there was one more pony to thank.

“Hey, Lyra! Come on over!” Derpy called.

“Congratulations, you two. You’re the heroines of the pegasus team,” Lyra said.

“Well, we owe you a little for it. You called the fouls,” said Derpy.

“I called what I saw. You deserve all the credit. So, Karyn, what do you think of our little town and its field day?”

“I had a wonderful time!”

“Then can we count on you for the running of the leaves? You and I can be the only two going on two legs!”

“Actually, if it were right now, I might have to run it on all fours!” said Karyn. They all had a laugh.

Author's Notes:

Here's what you'll see next time on Derpy's Human:

“I’ve got an invisibility spell. No humans will see me!”

“Hmm. . . I don’t know,” said Karyn. “You’ll be invisible, but what if you bump into someone?”

“I’ll stay in the air above everyone’s head! Please!”

“OK, we’ll go out and do something.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As Karyn threw her stuff down on the bed, she said, “So, what did you think of your first human movie?”

“Hang on, I’m fiddling with this spell,” came Derpy’s disembodied voice. “Ah, there,” she said, and popped back into view. Karyn was surprised to see a frown on Derpy’s face.

“Now just what the heck was that?!” Derpy said.

“You didn’t like it? It wasn’t the best example of a flick to show you, but—“

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I wish there were a way to edit it into what I had written down. Maybe something on the computer?”

Karyn thought for a moment, then shook her head for allowing herself to consider something so silly. “Not unless they have a magic-to-USB adapter. Although goodness knows they have adapters for everything else.”

“Well, maybe I’ll ask Twilight to see if she can’t make a spell for that too. And in the meantime we can show it to folks as is.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's next time, right here, on your home for Derpy's Human!

6: Lights, Camera, Derption!

“Morning, Karyn!” Derpy said as the after-effects of the transport spell faded.

“Morning, Derpy.”

“Morning, Karyn’s desk! Morning, Karyn’s lamp. Morning, Karyn’s computer which is no longer sentient but I will include in my list of things to say good morning to anyway!”

Karyn laughed. “You really are a friendly pony, aren’t you?”

“I feel I’ve become quite intimate with this room over the past few weeks.”

“Is that your subtle way of letting me know that you want a change of scenery?”

“Oh no, Karyn! I try not to play games like that. Not that I wouldn’t mind getting out and about, but I don’t drop hints. Letters, flower pots, the odd piano, but never hints,” Derpy said.

“Well, I wouldn’t mind some fresh air myself. Back to Equestria then?”

“Well, I was wondering. . . “ Derpy swung one hoof back and forth, which Karyn had learned to interpret as her being indecisive.

“Yes?”

“Can we maybe go out into the human world today?”

“Oh, Derpy, I don’t know. There are just so many things that could go wrong,” said Karyn.

“But so many ponies, after last week’s game, were asking me what the human world was like, and I didn’t have a whole lot to tell them.”

“How are we going to avoid notice?”

“I’ve got an invisibility spell. No humans will see me!”

“Hmm. . . I don’t know,” said Karyn. “You’ll be invisible, but what if you bump into someone?”

“I’ll stay in the air above everyone’s head! Please!”

“OK, we’ll go out and do something. I’d just really like it to be a place where there aren’t a whole lot of people milling about who could knock into you anyway.”

Derpy had ignored everything after Karyn had said OK and was rummaging through her bag for the right spell, dumping out rejects all over the place. Karyn picked up one and looked at it.

“Derpy? Will the magic work only for you? You know that there’s no magic on Earth, but I’ve always wanted to do some, ever since I was ten and didn’t get to go to Hogwart’s.”

Derpy was still pawing through and muttering to herself. “Spell to keep warm. . . no. Infinite muffin spell. . . save that for later. Spell to allow you understand when human makes reference to something I haven’t read, don’t need that. Aha! Got it.” Holding up one of the hoof-covering items she turned back to Karyn. “You want to try one? I don’t see why not. That one you’ve got is a recorder spell. You activate it and later you can see exactly what went on. Which disappointed me, because I thought it would play a melody on a wooden flute.”

Karyn put her hand into the spell and found the three nubs inside. By fully stretching her fingers she was able to force enough pressure to turn them. A bubble came out of the spell and filled the room.

“Woo-hoo! I am Karyn the Sorceress! Fear my powers as I weave my magic that’s perfectly harmless!”

Derpy laughed. “Oh that will be fun to re-watch later!”

“It’s on now? I didn’t want to save that! How does it erase?”

“Erase? Why would it do that?”

Karyn quickly pushed her hand in and reversed the spell, drawing the bubble back in. But then she perked her head up. “Hey! Let’s go to the movies!”

“What’s a movie?”

“It’s like a play. Sort of. They take a play and record it, but not magically, and then we can play it back when we want to see it.” Well, Karyn thought, that was a close enough explanation for Derpy.

“Ooh, a human play! I want to see it!”

“OK, let me check movie times on the internet.”

“Ah, allow me,” said Derpy. “I’m an expert on surfing the net, you know!”

“Heh, you sure are. Remind me to make you a Facebook page later on,” said Karyn, as she gave up her seat at the computer. Derpy took much longer than Karyn would have, but eventually got to a movie listing site. Karyn was patient, enjoying seeing her friend learn an unfamiliar task.

“OK I found the place to see it. But there’re a lot of shows. Which one should we go see?”

“I guess it doesn’t matter if this is your first one. We can see an action movie, which will have the easiest plot to understand, but a lot of loud explosions, or an indie rom-com, which will be easier to watch but harder to understand.”

Derpy bounced her head up and down, then said, “Let’s go see the one listed on top!”

Well, Karyn thought, it was an easier method for deciding than she usually had experienced with a group of friends or with her family. She packed her purse and got ready to head out the door.

“You ready?” she asked Derpy.

“Mm-hm.”

“Are you. . . forgetting something?”

“No, what?”

“Invisibility?”

“Oh, right.”

“Yeah, this is a good idea that totally isn’t going to backfire,” Karyn said to herself.

They headed out onto the street. Karyn could sense Derpy’s presence above her, but she felt that the ruse would fool anyone who didn’t know there was an invisible gray pegasus around. Which was a large plurality in her estimation. As they reached the corner they passed a pair of students engaged in a public display of affection.

“Ooh, can they do that?” Derpy said. The boy broke his kiss and looked at Karyn. “Beg your pardon?” he said with some anger in his voice.

Karyn decided to play dumb. “Oh, I’m sorry, I was just thinking out loud.”

Derpy chimed in from above. “But it was—“

Karyn raised her arms like she was stretching and grinned at the couple. She muttered in a singsong through her teeth, “Invisible, not inaudible!” The two gave her a weird look and then went back to making out as Karyn turned and headed the other way.

They made it to the theater without further incident. Karyn went up to the ticket booth and mistakenly asked for two tickets before correcting herself to one. Once inside, Derpy said, “Psst.”

“Yeah?”

“Is it OK that I came in without a ticket?”

“Maybe not, but put it ‘this way: you won’t be the only person to see a movie for free this year, not by a long shot,” Karyn said. “Plus they make all their money on the snacks anyway.”

Stepping up to the concession stand, Karyn ordered the large popcorn combo and paid over ten dollars for it. She muttered up to Derpy, “Should have bought snacks ahead of time and had you make those invisible so we could sneak them in. The prices are ridiculous!”

As they headed to where their movie was showing, Derpy asked, “Why did you buy snacks if they cost so much?”

“It’s tradition. I want you to get the full movie experience. That means overpaying for ridiculously unhealthy food, taking too many napkins out of revenge and then losing them all over the theater, then eating most of it before the movie even starts.”

Entering the darkened theater Karyn climbed the stairs while Derpy flew up behind her. “I had an uncle who worked on places like this once. He said the best place to sit was between the third and fourth speakers, as close to the middle as possible,” Karyn said.

“That makes sense,” said Derpy, and Karyn was a little pleased to show off her knowledge.

The show was a matinee and they had arrived early enough that they could get the seats that Karyn had wanted, and she sat down. “Derpy,” she said, “You can sit down if you like. If someone comes along I’ll tell them that the seat’s taken. It won’t even be lying.”

“No, it’ll be like sitting!”

She heard Derpy make a landing, then struggle with the chair. “These aren’t very comfortable. They’re built for humans,” she said.

“Oh, yeah. Lyra might like them, but you’re not used to sitting like that.”

“It’s all right, I’ll sit on the floor.”

“No!” Karyn said. “In the first place you can’t see from there and in the second, you don’t know what’s been dropped on there. You might never get back up! Just hold on a moment. If we’re lucky the armrest—yes, it lifts. Now you can crouch across the two seats pony-style.”

“OK, this is sorta comfortable.”

“Here, have some popcorn.”

“Karyn, the strap on this feedbag came off.”

“Huh? Oh, you’re meant to eat it with hands. But I guess I don’t mind if you do that pony-style as well.”

The lights dimmed and the first commercials came on, then an announcement to silence cell phones. Karyn reached into her purse and put hers on vibrate.

“Why did they say that?” asked Derpy.

“Because some people leave theirs on by accident, or will just talk during the movie.”

“That’s awfully rude!”

“I know—“

“To want to stop someone’s private conversation when everypony else is just sitting there watching! They need to learn some manners and get rid of that announcement.”

Karyn balked at that. Maybe it was a cultural difference, she thought, or maybe Derpy just being Derpy. She still thought that not talking on the phone during the movie was the polite thing to do, but she didn’t want to get into an argument.

The commercials gave way to movie trailers. Derpy oohed and aahed and the previews.

“These are movies they’re going to show in the future? Wow, maybe we could do this every week!” she said.

Yeah, and maybe I’ll be able to pay for it by hitting the lottery despite not playing it, Karyn thought. But she figured she’d try to find another way to steer Derpy clear of being a cinemaphile. “A lot of these trailers are better than the movies themselves,” she said. “And the ones that are good usually show you everything that you want to see right there.”

A production company logo came on the screen, the theater went completely dark, and the movie started.

It turned out to be a genre-hopping movie, switching from crime thriller to romance to action to special effects, and Karyn had trouble following the plot. She kept expecting Derpy to lean over and whisper, “Why did that guy kill that guy? I thought he was on their side,” or something similar, but she never did. Karyn found herself getting bored and not caring about the characters, and the most interesting thing about the experience was watching the popcorn disappear from the bucket into Derpy’s invisible mouth.

After ninety-nine minutes of this, the final one-liner was spoken and the credits began to roll. Everyone else began exiting, and Karyn stood up as well, telling Derpy that it was over.

“No, it’s not.” Derpy said. “They’re listing all the people who made it!”

If she’s never seen a movie at all, Karyn thought, this might be a novel experience. She sat back down and resigned herself to five more minutes of slow instrumental music while Derpy eagerly awaited to find out who the key grip was and what company catered the shoot.

At last they finished, and Karyn asked, “Can we go now?”

“Yeah, it’s over.”

“What did you think?” Karyn asked. “Or, wait, let’s get back to the dorm so we can talk without whispering.”

“But everyone left!”

“There’s still a projectionist there, and someone might come in. Let’s go.”

They made their way back to the dormitory. As Karyn threw her stuff down on the bed, she said, “So, what did you think of your first human movie?”

“Hang on, I’m fiddling with this spell,” came Derpy’s disembodied voice. “Ah, there,” she said, and popped back into view. Karyn was surprised to see a frown on Derpy’s face.

“Now just what the heck was that?!” Derpy said.

“You didn’t like it? It wasn’t the best example of a flick to show you, but—“

“I’ll say it wasn’t. The screenwriting was banal, the production design was amateurish, the cinematographer overlit everything, the composer I don’t think even read the script, the acting was wooden, none of the characters had a defined arc, and the editor must have been afraid that if he didn’t have a cut every half-second, they’d conclude that he wasn’t doing his job and fire him!”

Karyn was stunned for a moment, then burst out laughing. “Derpy, you got all that and you’ve never seen a movie before? You should go to one of the film studies classes on campus here. Actually, with all that you should teach one of the film studies classes here.”

“Well, watching it I could see the potential of the medium, but I just don’t see why it has to be abused so much. That one we saw has got to be a failure.”

“Probably not,” said Karyn. “They charge a lot of money per ticket, and they can reach all over the world to get viewers. Plus that movie, while not low-budget, couldn’t have cost more than twenty million. They’ll make money, even if most people don’t like it.”

“It just doesn’t seem right or fair,” said Derpy.

“Well, it’s not like we could do any better.”

“Karyn, that’s a great idea!”

“What is?”

“We’ll do better! We’ll make our own movie! You said you’re always short of money anyway, so if there are so many people out there willing to pay to see that, they’ll come running to see ours!” Derpy dashed off to Karyn’s desk and grabbed paper and a pencil. Holding the pencil in her mouth, she started to write. Karyn looked over and saw the first line: “INTERIOR: A college dormitory.”

“Whoa, whoa! Hold it!” Karyn cried. “We can’t just make a movie! Even if we did we couldn’t get it distributed! But thankfully that doesn’t matter since we have no way to actually produce one. No cameras, no actors, no sets. And we can’t get those because they all cost money. Which I don’t have. But thankfully even that doesn’t matter because neither of us knows how to write a movie.”

“I’m sorry, Karyn, did you say something? Never mind, here’s the start.”

Karyn looked over what Derpy handed her. It was indeed the opening scene of a movie, about a pegasus who had travelled far and found herself taking time to go to school and learn things she hadn’t as a filly. Karyn had no idea if it was good or not, or if it could actually be made into a movie, but she couldn’t help being impressed with the fact that Derpy had done it at all.

“Writing’s easy for you, huh?”

“Not really. Holding the pencil in my mouth and moving my head is tiring,” Derpy said.

“But you can think of what to say so fast! That’s the hard part!”

“No, that’s the easy part. You just say what it is you want to say.”

Once again Karyn was amazed at her friend’s abilities. Writing anything for her was a chore of poring over a blank paper until she figured out exactly what the right word was, then reading it back and having it sound horrible. But Derpy just said what it was she wanted to say.

“Anyway, it’s very nice that you could write this, but we can’t make it into a movie. They make them with a lot of equipment and a big crew, none of which we have,” she said.

“We have the recording spell you set off before. That’s how we’ll get it. And you and me will be the actors!”

Was she in high school drama class again? Karyn put her hand on Derpy’s shoulder and said, “But even if we did, it’s not on film then and people can’t see it.”

“Details, details! The important thing is to have fun! Now do you want to play the pegasus or the human?”

Karyn finally realized that Derpy was playing with her. She wanted to just shoot some scenes and enjoy play-acting together. Their personalities weren’t completely alike, she thought. Karyn was very serious and wanted to show Derpy the human world as though she were studying it. But this was Derpy Hooves, the pony who was never serious. She looked over the script and read some of the lines to herself. She would play along.

“Ok, Derpy, you set up the spell, I’ll learn these lines,” she said.

Derpy smiled and got busy. In a few minutes they were ready to go. Derpy looked at the room and said, “Something’s missing.”

“You mean, other than an actual set?”

“Yeah. I feel the need for some reason to have a folding cloth chair with my name on it.”

“Derpy, you are one crazy pony. Let’s start.”

“We’re set up. You start.

“Ahem. ‘Oh, Miss Ypred, do you really think that there’s anything that I, a mere human, could teach you, a pegasus who flies among the clouds?”

“’For certain, for though I have seen many lands,’ you’re doing great, keep it up! ‘I have never looked upon a creature such as you, not even on top of the highest mountain in Equestria!’” Derpy gestured with her hoof toward one wall.

“Derpy,” said Karyn, breaking character. “There’s no mountain over there.”

“We’ll fix it in post. Next line!”

“Oh jeez, I’m working with the Ed Wood of pegasi!”

They continued to shoot scenes until the light faded. After most of them, one or both burst out laughing. Sometimes they didn’t even finish before their straight faces faltered. At some point known only to her, Derpy declared that it was finished.

“You want to sit and watch it now?” she asked.

“Oh, no! I don’t actually want to see me doing all that!”

“I wish there were a way to edit it into what I had written down. Maybe something on the computer?”

Karyn thought for a moment, then shook her head for allowing herself to consider something so silly. “Not unless they have a magic-to-USB adapter. Although goodness knows they have adapters for everything else.”

“Well, maybe I’ll ask Twilight to see if she can’t make a spell for that too. And in the meantime we can show it to folks as is.”

“Derpy, I’m not sure I want anybody to see that, finished or not.”

“Anybody?” Derpy asked with a wry smile on her face. “Not ‘anypony’? Which means you’re OK with me showing it to the ponies back home?”

“Whoa! That’s not what I meant!”

“Too late! You didn’t specify ponies, so ponies can see it!” She grabbed the spell and flew up to the ceiling playing “keep-away.” Karyn made a half-hearted attempt to grab it.

“Come down!” she said. “It’s not fair to go flying up when I can’t!”

“It’s not fair for you to have hands either, but you don’t see my complaining!” Derpy stuck out her tongue, but then landed. “But all teasing aside, if you don’t want me to show it, I won’t.”

Karyn thought about it. Would it really be so embarrassing? Sure, they might laugh at her, but what was wrong with laughter? It did seem like something that she would have done as a child, but so what? Let the ponies think of her as immature. She’d been playing a game with them the week before, and that wasn’t the most dignified way to spend her time. Maybe being able to relax and be silly could be a sign of maturity.

“Well, I guess if you really want to, I don’t mind,” she said. “Just don’t try to build me up as a great actress. You know, some people say that the making of the movie isn’t nearly as important as the selling of the movie. How many bits are you going to charge?”

“Oh, I was just going to show it for free. Hopefully the first few who see it will tell others, and it will get popular from there.”

“Oh, dear. I’m going to be in Equestria’s first viral video! I’ll be like the Star Wars kid!”

Derpy was confused, and her face showed it.

“Never mind,” Karyn said. “I hope you can get lots of ponies to see it. Just not all at once.”

“Thanks, but even if not, it was fun to make. You want to come with me to show it off?”

“Oh, no! I can stand the thought of ponies watching me, but not the sight!”

“Do you mind if I go now, then? I’m kind of eager to get started.”

“Go ahead, Derpy. I’ll see you next week.”

After Derpy had gone back to Equestria, Karyn started to clean up and reminisced about seeing the movie and Derpy’s reaction. It had been a long day. But in between all the fun, she thought about going outside with Derpy more often. The invisibility spell was useful, but they needed some way to communicate so they could be out of doors and not embarrass themselves—well, just her—as they had that day.

There were two parts of the problem as she saw it. The first was how to explain a voice coming from nowhere, and the second was how to account for her voice talking to someone that no one could see.

Somepony that nopony could see, she corrected herself. And once she had the problem framed out, the solution became obvious.

******************************************

“Bwahaha! You can’t even keep your lines straight, Derpy!”

“I know! Writing the script was a lot easier than reading it.”

Derpy was showing her home movie to a few of her friends. Lyra, Bon-bon, and Spike were enjoying seeing the pratfalls of the human and the pegasus.

“This is really fancy magic,” said Bon-bon. “Once this gets going in Equestria, everypony’s going to be wanting to take recordings like this.”

“Yeah, but they won’t be as cool as this one!” Lyra replied. “Seeing a human room! How do they get the walls so straight?”

“I wondered that myself,” said Derpy.

“You’re always obsessed with the weirdest things about the humans, Lyra,” said Bon-bon. “They’re just regular folks like us.”

“You didn’t always think so,” said Lyra.

“All of you guys, shut up!” said Spike. “I’m trying to watch this thing. Bwaha! Derpy, you can’t even keep your balance! We’ve got to show everypony this.”

“I know. But Karyn told me I have to give it to one in particular. I’m going to see her next.”

Derpy turned off the spell and put it back in her bag. She said her good-byes and trotted out to a field where some ponies were having a dance. Awkwardly meandering through the crowd she reached the display with “DJ Pon-3” emblazoned on it in hot pink. She waited until the next song was going.

“Hey, Scratch!” she said, shouting so as to be heard. “I was hanging with my human friend today and she said that you should see the movie we made!”

“Yeah! Why me?!”

“Don’t know! But I’m sure she said it would be a Vinyl video! Almost entirely sure!”

“OK, I’ll see if I can use it!”

Vinyl activated the spell and put her microphone by it, but then kept shutting it off and restarting it, using it as sample fodder while mixing in other sounds. Derpy put her hoof up. “Um. . . that’s not how it’s supposed to. . . hey, are you listening?!” Oh well, at least something she had created was making ponies happy.

And that made her happy too.

Author's Notes:

And now the preview of next week's ep.

“You’re invited to a party!”

“Because you think I’m really swell?”

“Huh?”

“Never mind,” Karyn said, and she started to open the envelope. “So what’s this party for and why am I invited?”

“Don’t worry, you won’t be the center of attention like after the soccer game."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

it’s a chance for a breakthrough in cutienomics,” said Scootaloo.

“Cutienomics?” asked Karyn.

“The study of cutie marks. That’s what we in the know call it.”

“And by ‘we,’ you mean ‘you’?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Well, I did invent the word. But there are plenty of other ponies who study it. At least two."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Say, Derpy? How did you get your cutie mark?” asked Karyn.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And that's all you're getting! Be sure to favorite the story to see each chapter as it comes out, or just come around every Wednesday night at 0:00 GMT! (It's early this week because I derped.)

7: Derputante Ball

“Greetings, Ms. Karyn Hubert of Dormitory 4, University of State College Institute,” Derpy said.

“Hey, Derpy. What’s with the fancy hello? And why the hat?”

“Letter carriers of the Equestria Post Office are not permitted to fraternize while on duty. And my duties are not discharged until I have delivered my entire contingent of mail.” Derpy reached into her bag and pulled out a white envelope with purple and gold trim and passed it to Karyn. “And now I have. Hey, Karyn!”

Karyn smiled. “Good morning. A letter for me? Who in Equestria would be sending me a letter?”

“Actually, it’s an invitation.”

“A what?”

“You’re invited to a party!”

“Because you think I’m really swell?”

“Huh?”

“Never mind,” Karyn said, and she started to open the envelope. “So what’s this party for and why am I invited?”

“Don’t worry, you won’t be the center of attention like after the soccer game. This is for a young pony named Sweetie Belle.”

“Rarity’s sister?”

“Oh, you know her. Well, she finally got her cutie mark the other day, and—“

Karyn interrupted. “It’s a cuteceañera!”

Derpy tilted her head and looked confused. “No, those went out of style a long time ago. Sweetie’s having a de-cute-ante ball.”

“I keep forgetting that so much time has passed since the things I know about from Equestria—Discord’s return, the royal wedding, all that. But wait, Sweetie Belle’s just now getting her cutie mark?”

“I know, she is rather old for it. But what can you do? Nopony can make it appear any sooner that it does.”

“What mark did she get?”

“Nopony knows, except her. That’s the way a de-cute-ante ball works. All the ponies wear dresses for the party, and at the end, they take them off, with the guest of honor removing hers last and showing her new mark off to everypony.”

“So basically, it’s a masquerade for flanks instead of faces,” Karyn said.

“No, it’s a de-cute-ante ball. So how about it?”

“It sounds like a lot of fun. I’ll go.”

“Well, technically you haven’t been invited yet. Not until you open your envelope.”

Karyn laughed and lifted the flap, trying not to damage it, since was so pretty.

“Now it’s official,” Derpy said. “On my back and let’s go get ready for the party!”

They warped to Equestria and Karyn, for the first time, kept her eyes open. She was rewarded with the view of a party tent being set up next to Carousel Boutique, a few strong ponies pounding stakes into the ground, and a cart laden with food being unloaded by a mustachioed pony in a straw hat. Derpy landed next to him.

“Hi there, sir,” Derpy said. “This is my friend Karyn, who you said you wanted to meet.”

“Oh, the human! Darn pleased to meet ya! Name’s Magnum, and Derpy, you ought not to call me sir.”

Karyn started to put out her hand, but realized that he would have nothing to shake with, and wasn’t sure if he wanted to hoof-bump. “You’re Rarity’s father, right? And Sweetie Belle’s?”

“That’s me! Proud pappy of the two most bee-a-yootiful fillies in town.”

“So I guess you’re to thank for this celebration?” Derpy asked.

“Aw, no! Rarity’s done everything, including pay for the whole shebang. All I got to do is to help hauling.” He magically lifted a heavy case of wine off the cart. “And we got some fancy stuff to haul, too! Genuine champagne!” he said, pronouncing it “cham-pagg-knee.”

“Check it out, Karyn,” Derpy said. “A Magnum carrying magnums!”

“Cute, Derpy,” Karyn said. “Can we help out too?”

“Won’t say I wouldn’t like the help, but I think you got an appointment to get to!” Magnum said.

“Appointment?”

“Oh, I completely forgot to tell you,” Derpy said. “Rarity said she wanted to make a dress for you, and you’ve got a fitting with her now.”

“Wait, wait, wait. I’m going to a party. . . wearing an original Rarity?”

“You hear that, Magnum?” Derpy said “Your daughter is famous even in the human world.”

Karyn was practically dancing with excitement. “Well, not among humans in general, but do you have any idea how much brony cred this means? It’s like having Pinkie Pie throw a party for you or having Twilight Sparkle be your tutor!”

“But, Karyn,” Derpy said, “You’ve had both of those happen to you already.”

“Oh, that’s true. I guess I’m just a girl at heart, who gets excited by a dress.”

“Nothing wrong with that,” Derpy said. “Everypony likes to dress up.”

“Rarity’ll be in that boutique of hers,” said Magnum, pronouncing it “boo-tee-cue.” “I’ll go introduce you.”

Karyn followed Magnum, finding herself drawn to the affable pony. He might not have been the most educated stallion, but he was definitely personable.

Once inside, she saw Rarity herself working on a dress that Sweetie Belle was wearing. Sweetie had something like pasties covering her flanks, and the dress flowed behind her. It was lily white and pleated, and was trimmed with a cottony lace in a pinkish hue, and gave her the look of walking on a cotton candy cloud. Pearls and amethysts lined the edges. As soon as Sweetie saw Magnum, she leaped off the stand.

“Daddy!” she called out.

“Careful, Sweetie Belle!” said Rarity. “I almost tore this dress.”

Sweetie ignored her. “Do I look pretty, Daddy?”

“You sure do, my little one. You sure do.” His chest was sticking out in front of him.

Rarity said, “If you’re going to fawn over Father, at least take that off so it doesn’t get damaged. I’ll finish it on a dummy. Honestly, it’s like talking to a wall. Oh, hello, you’re the human! So nice to meet you!”

“I suppose I should just go ahead and change my name to ‘The Human,’ at least while I’m in Equestria.”

“Oh, how rude of me, it’s Karyn, of course. And I’m Rarity. I am sorry about the name, but I’ve been so looking forward to meeting you. To design a dress for a whole new body type is such a delightful challenge.”

“Don’t worry about it,” said Karyn. “May I see the dress?”

“It’s just coming off of the press, dear. But I can show you the fabric. I had it made special for you. Tell me what you think.”

She had led Karyn over to a rack where bolts of cloth were hanging. Using her magic, she stretched out one and showed it off. It was a light gray, and was faintly dyed with a pattern of bubbles.

“It’s perfect, Rarity,” she said. “But, did you use the same fabric for Derpy’s?”

“Oh, no! This pattern is so unusual as it is, that to have twin dresses with it would be far too gimmicky. No, for hers I used this pale peach color,” Rarity said, pulling out a plainer, but still luxurious, bolt. “I told her that you two would complement each other nicely.”

“And what did she say?”

“She said that, yes, you were always saying nice things about her and she about you.”

Karyn laughed. “Yeah, that’s definitely Derpy.”

From looking around the boutique, Karyn could tell that Rarity’s star had only continued to rise in the fashion world since the time from which Karyn knew her. All the equipment was shiny and new, and there were fancy dresses in various states of completion all over. But most telling of all, there were two assistants, identical twins, working there, clearly pleased to have the opportunity to learn from a giantess of the industry. One of these helpers came up to them with a hanger. “Here’s the dress for the human, Miss Rarity.”

“Thank you, Tweed.”

“I’m Twill, miss.”

“Oh, my. I’m going to have to make you wear nametags at some point. Never mind, go back to the preparations. It’s terribly busy here, Karyn, what with the party, but I want to take time for you and fit this right. Go ahead and try it on.”

There was a changing screen nearby, and Karyn took the dress behind it, slipping out of her jeans and T-shirt. The skirt billowed out around her, and she made a mental note to be careful walking, since she would bump into things if she wasn’t. She was left with an odd, trapezoidal piece of material that she wasn’t sure how to put on.

“Rarity? Could you help me with the top part? I’m not sure how to wear this.”

“Of course, dear,” she said, walking behind the screen. “Do you see that round part? It stretches. Slip it over your head.”

Karyn found the elastic circle and put it on until it closed around her neck like a choker. Then Rarity used her magic and connected the wide end of the fabric to the skirt. “There,” she said. “What do you think?”

“Um. . . that’s all of it?”

“Well, I haven’t accessorized it yet, but as far as the base, yes. Is there something wrong?”

“But my boobs are hanging out!”

“Your what, dear?”

Karyn cast her memory back to the show. Every time ponies did dress up for parties or events, the outfits covered the flanks and the back. The equivalent area on a pony would be near their bellies, and those faced the ground. Rarity had clearly adapted her pony designs for how she thought a human would wear a dress. And since ponies didn’t have the nudity taboo, there was no way to explain. For that matter, ponies, at least of the Equestrian variety, didn’t have boobs at all. Even when Lyra sat human-style on a bench, nothing stood out.

How could she explain to Rarity that going topless was a shameless display of sexuality on her world, and that she would be mortified to appear in public like that?

“You see,” she said, pointing toward her breasts, “among humans—“

“You mean your chest! Yes, so beautifully round. And since your head is not nearly as elongated as ours, I thought I would emphasize the spherical theme. Hence the pillowy dress and the bubble pattern, which of course also underscores your connection to our dear Ms. Hooves.”

Karyn thought about that. While not a surfboard, Karyn had little enough that she was sometimes envious of her more well-endowed friends. But now, she realized, she was the biggest girl in an entire world. Maybe showing off wouldn’t be such a bad thing. It was certainly an opportunity she’d never have on Earth.

“I love it, Rarity. Don’t worry about me, and don’t change a thing,” she said.

Rarity smiled and said, “Well, I have to make sure it fits, at least. Turn round.”

She fawned over the dress, sticking pins and making chalk marks for the places she would have to take it in or let it out.

“Yow!” Karyn cried out. “Careful!”

“Did I stick you? I didn’t think I would with material this thick.”

“Actually it felt like you burned me. Not too bad, just that I wasn’t ready for the feeling of the heat.”

“I don’t know why. But in any case, I’ve got it all marked up. It looks good. Now, just lie down so I can nail the shoes to your feet.”

“What?! No!”

Rarity laughed. “I’m joking, dear. I actually consulted with Lyra about what sort of shoes humans wear, and I think I’ve come up with a nice adaptation. She insisted I play that prank on you, though.”

“She’s been hanging around Pinkie Pie too much.”

“Anyway, here are the shoes.”

To Karyn, they looked like a cross between a true horseshoe and an orthopedic foot support. They were oval-shaped with a hole in the middle, though the cushiony gel would, in her estimation, provide support. But there was no way that she saw to keep them on. “How do they work, then, if you’re not nailing them on?” she asked.

“Just a bit of magic, darling. Slide your foot horizontally on top to put them on or take them off. They won’t detach if you pull in any other direction.”

Karyn tried a few times before she got the hang of it, but then agreed that it was a very practical way to have a simple shoe.

“You can go ahead and take everything off, and it will be ready in plenty of time for the ball,” Rarity said.

“Thank you, Rarity. It’s a wonderful gift.”

Karyn threw her old clothes back on and headed out to find Derpy. She found her under the tent setting tables. Karyn grabbed some place settings from a box and helped out.

“Did you try on your dress?” Derpy asked.

“Yeah. It wasn’t quite what I expected, but I’ll definitely be showing off.”

At the front of the tent, Sweetie Belle and her father had been chatting, but they were soon joined by Apple Bloom and Scootaloo. Karyn noticed the three friends and tapped Derpy on the shoulder.

“Look, it’s the other two Cutie Mark Crusaders.”

“The what, now?” Derpy asked.

“Apple Bloom and Scootaloo.”

“Oh, I know them, but what was it you called them?”

“The Cutie Mark Crusaders.”

“Karyn! That’s the name of their secret society. Secret as in you don’t talk about it.”

“But they call themselves that. They let everypony know that they’re crusading for their cutie marks. Or were, since Sweetie Belle has hers. They even entered a talent show under that name.”

“Doesn’t matter. Secret society.”

Karyn decided this was yet another argument she was not going to win. “Well, whoever they are, can you introduce me?”

“Oh, sure.”

They walked up as the Crusaders were in the middle of a conversation.

“. . . and he lived out west, outside of Flankouver,” Scootaloo finished.

“Hey, girls,” said Derpy. “I wanted to introduce you to my human friend, Karyn.”

Karyn held out her hand to Sweetie Belle. “Congratulations on getting your cutie mark,” she said.

“Thanks. Scootaloo was just telling us about some cutie mark history.”

“Just about Littlecorn, a lumberjack stallion who had the largest cutie mark ever. It was a fallen giant redwood, and branch to stump measured over two feet long! How big is yours, Apple Bloom?”

Karyn interrupted. “Oh, you have yours, Apple Bloom? What is it?”

“It’s an apple tree, thankfully not fallen over,” Apple Bloom said. “It symbolizes both the family business and the family itself. I’m real proud to be an Apple.”

“Now, the smallest cutie mark on record,” Scootaloo said, “was right here in Ponyville, a few generations back. It was a tiny insect, so small that you needed a magnifying glass to see it. The mare who had it went on to become a famous entomologist in Canterlot. It was lucky that her friends were with her when she got it, or nopony might have noticed.”

“Scootaloo knows all about cutie marks,” said Apple Bloom. “She has a collection of cutie mark lore going back hundreds of years. Hey, Scoot! Maybe yours is the smallest and we never did notice? Have you ever checked your flank with a magnifier?”

Karyn noticed that Scootaloo was the only one not wearing anything, and that her flank was still bare.

“Of course I have. Trust me, I’m a genuine blank, last of the group,” said Scootaloo. Karyn expected to hear disappointment in her voice, but instead there was a hint of pride.

“It can’t be much longer for you,” said Sweetie Belle.

“You said that a year ago,” said Scootaloo. “I think that after Apple Bloom got hers, we all assumed that it would go in age order, but obviously not.”

“Oh?” asked Karyn. “Apple Bloom is the oldest?”

“Yeah, she’s a year older than me, and I’m a year older than Sweetie Belle. But Apple got hers three years back, when she was eighteen years, three months, and thirteen days old. Sweetie here was nineteen years, two months, and three days old when she got hers last weekend. The Equestrian record is nineteen years, eleven months, and thirty days.”

“Go on, then, tell her why you’ve been busting out all month,” said Apple Bloom.

“My twentieth birthday is next week. If nothing happens before then, I’ll have the record for the blankest flank ever! But beyond that, it’s a chance for a breakthrough in cutienomics,” said Scootaloo.

“Cutienomics?” asked Karyn.

“The study of cutie marks. That’s what we in the know call it.”

“And by ‘we,’ you mean ‘you’?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Well, I did invent the word. But there are plenty of other ponies who study it. At least two. In any case, I’m trying to prove that there’s a biological clock to getting your mark. That the record isn’t just coincidence, and that you can’t be twenty and blank. I’m specifically avoiding trying anything new for the next week. If I can stay blank, I’ll make history and record it at the same time.”

“Cool,” said Derpy. “I’ll have to come and see you next week.”

“Say, Derpy? How did you get your cutie mark?” asked Karyn.

Derpy looked at the others and asked, “So, do you want to help finish setting up? Not Sweetie, of course, she’s the Belle of the ball, literally. Apple, Scoots, how about it?”

Before they answered, Derpy trotted back and started unloading more place settings. Karyn decided she wouldn’t pursue the question.

With four more pairs of hooves, the work went quickly, and soon enough they were sitting and drinking sodas waiting for the party to start. When a few other ponies started arriving early, Rarity invited them in to get dressed.

Karyn went inside, her mind on her manners. There was still so much about Equestrian culture she didn’t know, but she hoped that if she was pleasant enough and tried to put the ponies she didn’t know at ease, that she would get through the evening. As she went behind the screen to change, she noticed that it had been moved and she now had the use of a triple mirror. That was good, she could make sure everything was in place, and—

“Derpy!”

Derpy, who had put on her own dress, heard Karyn scream and flew out from her screen to where Karyn was. She feared that Karyn had hurt herself somehow.

“What’s wrong?” Derpy asked.

“Look at my butt! I mean, don’t look at my butt, but. . . but look at my butt!”

“Hey, you got your cutie mark too! And computers are your special talent!”

In the side mirror Karyn could still see the reflection of one of two white ergonomic keyboards that she had seen on her rear end when she was changing. She covered it with her hands.

“What do you mean, I got my cutie mark?! I’m a human! Humans don’t have cutie marks!”

Derpy cocked her head. “No, it would seem that people on Earth don’t have cutie marks. People in Equestria do.” She gasped. “I hope that doesn’t mean I’m going to lose mine if I keep visiting you! Let’s ask Scootaloo. She’s sure to know.”

“No! We’re not telling anyone! Or anypony! Oh, this is horrible. Do you know how much it costs to get a tattoo removed?”

“But it’s not a tattoo.”

“You’re right. It’s magical, isn’t it? It probably goes all the way down to my bones. I’m scarred for life.”

“Karyn, you should be happy,” Derpy said, putting her wing around Karyn. “This is a big moment in a young girl’s life.”

“You mean a young filly’s life. I’m a human. Everyone’s going to think I’m some kind of freaky geek who loves her computer so much that she had her body marked up to show it.”

“Wait, don’t you cover up your flank all the time?”

Karyn took a deep breath. She realized that Derpy was right. The only people who would see it would be doctors and boyfriends. Doctors had probably seen worse. Boyfriends would have to accept her as being a little different.

“Is everything all right in here?” Rarity came in, still carrying her needles and thread. “I thought I heard some sort of commotion.”

Derpy stuck her head out from behind the screen. “Karyn just—“

“I was just amazed at how many jewels you added to my dress. These pink gems are quite beautiful. Are they rubies?”

“Pink diamonds, actually. I wanted to continue the connecting theme between you and Ms. Hooves, and I lined hers with gray diamonds to match her coat. They’re a bit deeper pink than your hue, but one wants some color on a gray dress.”

“They’re quite nice. Thank you again. Please excuse me so I can finish getting into it.”

They went to the party. Next to the tent a dance floor had been laid down, and an eight-piece rhythm group was just launching into their opening number. Karyn liked their sound. It wasn’t quite as intense as some of what she had heard at Pinkie Pie’s party, but it wasn’t just acoustic background music either. She danced with Derpy to start, not really touching each other. As the combo played through its first set, she got used to the fact that she was flashing the crowd. Then, from behind her, she heard a voice say, “Hey, Karyn! How about a dance, biped to biped?”

Oh, no. Not Spike. Well, it was a party. She’d give the horny dragon one dance and get it over with. She turned and put on her best fake smile. When she did, she saw his leery grin drop.

“Something wrong?” she asked.

“No, I’ve just never seen you. . . like this before. You’re so bulgy. You know what? I’ve never really cared for this song. Maybe I’ll catch up with you later, all right?”

“Certainly, Spike.”

As he hightailed it toward the other end of the party, Rarity came up to her and said, “You’re welcome, dear.”

“You knew?”

“Years of experience making him keep his claws to himself.”

They sat down to dinner, and Karyn enjoyed the best meal she had had in a long time. On earth, being vegetarian meant your options were limited and bland. Ponies, though, when they went in for high cuisine, knew how to add strong flavor to grains and vegetables. She had a barley-based stew that outdid anything she had gotten on earth, and enjoyed rainbow chard that had been flavored with actual rainbow.

There was more dancing, and Sweetie as guest of honor even took the opportunity to sing a few songs herself. Derpy said to Karyn, “I’ll bet you anything that she’s got a singing cutie mark. She’s going to make a career out of it, mark my words.”

At last, it was time for the big event of the evening. Karyn and Derpy were fairly close to the main table where Sweetie Belle sat alongside her family and closest friends. Karyn watched as pony after pony stood in the spotlight and removed their outfits, showing off their flank and then giving way to the next. Even the young foals got a turn, and didn’t mind showing off a bare patch. Karyn realized that eventually she would be on the spot.

“Derpy, do I really have to do this? I don’t want anypony to know.”

“Trust me, nopony will care. They’ll want to congratulate you,”

At the main table, Scootaloo overheard them and came over. “What’s this about?”

Karyn sighed and resigned herself. “I got a cutie mark, OK? Somehow the air or the magic of Equestria got to me and it just appeared.”

“What?!” Scootaloo screamed, and all around the party, heads turned to see the angry pegasus. “Twenty years I’ve been waiting with a blank flank, and after three days, this human” – she said it as if it were a foul insult – “gets her mark?!”

“But, Scootaloo,” said Derpy, “I thought you wanted to hold off and get the record.”

“Are you kidding me?! How many times have we tried to sell that line that a blank flank is ever OK? It’s not! I want my mark!” She started advancing on Karyn, who was afraid that she was about to be attacked.

Sweetie Belle came over, quickly followed by Apple Bloom. “Scootaloo!” she said, her voice cracking. “You’re ruining my party!”

“Your party! What about my party?!” She was openly crying. “When is it my turn?”

“Well, if you’ve been trying to cover up how much you want it,” Apple Bloom said, “no wonder it hasn’t appeared.”

“Scootaloo, calm down, listen,” said Sweetie. “We understand. We’re the Cutie Mark Crusaders. And no matter what your flank looks like, we’re your friends. Don’t you remember the song?”

Everything was silent as Sweetie sang. “We are the Cutie Mark Crusaders, on a quest to find out who we are.”

Scootaloo finally stopped staring at Karyn in a rage and faced her friend. She picked up the tune. “And we will never stop the journey, not until we have our cutie marks—Oh, Sweetie, Apple Bloom, what have I been saying?”

She fell into her friends’ hooves as they embraced her. But at that moment, underneath her dress, everypony saw a flash of orange light. Sweetie said, “Did you see that, Scootaloo? Did you feel it? I think you got it!”

“I got it! I did feel it! My cutie mark!”

“Now we can be de-cute-antes together!”

A cheer erupted from the crowd. They stomped their hooves and started chanting, “Scootaloo! Scootaloo!” Even Karyn joined in.

The unveilings continued, and everypony was hurrying through to see what Sweetie and Scootaloo would display, so Karyn was able to remove her dress without much attention.

Apple Bloom was the last to take off her outfit, showing her tree. Then it was time. Scootaloo said, “You do yours first, Sweetie.”

“No, Scoots. You’ve been waiting so long, don’t wait any longer.”

Scootaloo reached for the clasp and threw off her dress in one motion. Turning her head as far as she could, she shouted, “What is it? What is it?”

Apple Bloom leaned in. “It’s a pony! A pony showing off her flank. And that flank has a picture of a pony showing off her flank. Scootaloo, you got your cutie mark in getting your cutie mark!

Karyn laughed and said under her breath. “Whoa. Cutie mark-ception.”

“No, Karyn,” said Derpy. “She’s not a cutie mark exception anymore.”

“I meant. . . never mind.”

Scootaloo was beaming brighter than she ever had. “OK, Sweetie, your turn,” she said.

Sweetie carefully undid her dress and then stepped into the light. Hers was a triple mark, and displayed three ponies. One was a yellow earth pony, one was a light gray unicorn, and one was an orange pegasus.

“Everypony, I’m pleased to show you my cutie mark in. . . friendship!”

The cheer that went up from the guests rivaled their previous one, but faded quickly as Sweetie Belle escorted Apple Bloom and Scootaloo with her. She approached the microphone and sang.

“We are the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

We’re each other’s lights when it seems dark.

And we’re not going to stop the journey,

Just because we have our cutie marks!”

Karyn wiped a tear from her eye. Maybe having a cutie mark wasn’t so bad.

As ponies started to head for home, Karyn folded her dress neatly and found Rarity. “Hear you go. Thanks for letting me wear this for the occasion.”

“Karyn, it’s yours. I never intended for you to give it back. Besides, what else am I going to do with it? Nopony else can wear it.”

“But what about all the diamonds? Those have to be expensive.”

“Not at all! I still go and find them myself. It gets me out of the boutique. No, I insist you take it with you. Element of generosity, remember?”

“All right. Thank you.”

She changed back into her street clothes and got on Derpy’s back holding the dress. Even though Rarity hadn’t paid for the stones, they would be valuable on Earth. Karyn did some quick multiplication in her head. A diamond ring might go for a thousand dollars, but just the stone would probably be only a few hundred. Still, there had to be a hundred stones on the dress, which meant that she was holding the worth of a car in her hands, or at the very least a year of her tuition. Of course, those were ordinary diamonds, and these pink ones might be like knock-offs that were worth very little.

After Derpy got them home, Karyn asked her to wait a while. “I’m curious as to exactly how much Rarity did give me. You have to express my thanks to her.”

“I will.”

Karyn fiddled a bit on her computer, then started hyperventilating.

“Is everything all right?” Derpy asked.

“Teh.”

“Teh?”

“Ten.”

“Ten?”

“Ten million dollars. If there’re a hundred pink diamonds on this dress, that’s how much it’s worth.”

“That’s a lot, huh?”

“A lot? Derpy, I’m rich! I could tear off one of those stones and pay my tuition. Heck, I could tear off ten and retire!”

“You’re going to sell them?”

Karyn looked at Derpy, and understood what she was implying. Even removing one of the stones would be mistreating Rarity’s beautiful gift. It would be insulting to her, even if she never knew. It would be taking something she hadn’t earned. It would be selling out.

“No. No, I suppose I’m not. I’m going to keep this in my closet and look at it whenever my bills come due. I’ll look and know that I could make them all go away, and all it would cost would be my pride. Then I’m going to work harder to get the money legitimately.”

“That’s the Karyn I know and love. You still have your life’s work ahead of you. That’s how you were able to get that cutie mark. So long, keyboard-flank.”

“So long, bubble-butt.”

Karyn smiled at Derpy until she vanished.

Author's Notes:

And now, coming soon!

Derpy concluded that they were on the edge of the town, and that soon enough they would expand the large buildings into the grassland, and said as much when she was sure no one was around.

“Actually, it’s a park,” Karyn said. “We keep it around because plenty of people like trees and grass, and they want a place to play or relax.”

“Are we going to play or to relax?”

“No, as I said, I’m going to practice.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Derpy, once again you amaze me by how I can explain something to you, and you come out of it knowing more than me. How do you do that?”

“I don’t know. Things are always like that for me. It all seems like a fog, and then my eyes focus and I understand.”

Karyn had to swallow a remark about Derpy’s eyes focusing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What held you back before was that you were trying. Don’t try to do it. Just do it.”

“That’s the best combination of Yoda, Morpheus, and Nike I’ve ever heard.”

“Who?”

“Never mind,” Karyn said. “Just some things out of fiction. Not real like you are."

That's next week, on Derpy's Human.

8: Driving Miss Derpy

“Yeah, Mom, classes are going well. Today? I’m probably going to hang with a friend. Oh, you don’t know her. She’s kind of shy, keeps to herself. A picture? Well, I’m sure she must have one somewhere. But don’t worry about me. I won’t be bored. OK, got to go. Love you. Talk to you soon.”

Karyn hung up the phone. Why had she answered honestly? She knew that her mother would ask pressing questions. What was she supposed to say? “Yeah, plenty of pictures. Just head to Ponibooru and she’s eleventh on the “Popular Tags” list. Derpy didn’t even realize how famous she was among humans. That was one of the reasons Karyn liked her, and hoped that she would arrive soon.

Karyn dawdled and fussed on the internet. She was anxious and eager to show off her new toy to Derpy, although it was only new to Karyn. One of her friends had gotten a replacement, and given the old one to her.

Finally she heard the tell-tale sound of Derpy appearing in her room. After hugs and hellos, she got down to business.

“I’ve got something cool to show you,” Karyn said.

“Ooh, something cool? That’s cool. By definition.”

“Remember how, last time we went out, we couldn’t talk to each other because other people would be weirded out? Well, I’ve got something to solve the problem. Check it out!”

Derpy looked at the small object Karyn was holding. It was like nothing she had ever seen. The closest frame of reference she had was a horseshoe for a pony with very messed-up feet. “What is it?” she asked.

“This is called a Bluetooth.”

“But it’s black.”

“Yes, but it has a blue light inside it. And looks vaguely like a tooth. Although they named it after some Viking lord, if I remember right.” Karyn put the strange thing on the side of her head, and somehow it stayed there. “If I walk around with it on my ear, everyone will think that I’m on the phone. I suppose it will be awkward if you have to talk or if I have to point something out, but for the most part people won’t pay attention, and if they do, they won’t have me locked up for being a crazy person.”

Derpy looked at her. “I’m not sure you’re not. Unless this thing is magic, which it’s not, there’s no way it’s going to alter people’s minds to make them think that you’re not talking to me.”

Karyn smiled. “Trust me. Get invisible and let’s go outside.”

Still skeptical, Derpy activated the invisibility spell and followed Karyn out on to the street. There were a few people walking by. As one passed, Karyn said out loud, “Now, today should be fun for you because you can watch me as I mess up, but I’ll be putting in practice time for something important. I’ll explain what when we get there.”

The other person looked at Karyn, wondering if she was talking to him, but she pointed at the thing in her ear and he smiled and nodded, then walked away. Derpy was forced to concede that the plan did seem to work.

Karyn started walking and said “It’s about a mile and a half down the road." Derpy fluttered after her. The last time she had been out in the human world, she had been singularly focused on the destination. Now she took the opportunity to observe more of the city.

The streets were of cobblestone, and she would have enjoyed the clip-clop sound she would have made walking them. But of course, she had to stay out of the way. The buildings were also of stone, and Derpy was impressed at how little the humans used wood in their architecture. But they only lined one side of the road. Opposite them, there was an area of green that reminded her more of home. A few roads passed through, just wide enough for a pony or two, and trees bloomed all over. Derpy concluded that they were on the edge of the town, and that soon enough they would expand the large buildings into the grassland, and she said as much when she was sure no one was around.

“Actually, it’s a park,” Karyn said. “We keep it around because plenty of people like trees and grass, and they want a place to play or relax.”

“Are we going to play or to relax?”

“No, as I said, I’m going to practice.”

They made their way around the park. On the other side, Derpy saw something she was amazed at. It was a completely flat area, all in black with a few yellow lines in a pattern she could not discern. It was as if a great square rock had been buried in the earth.

“This is the parking lot for people who drive in to use the park. Today, at this time of morning, no one will be using it. Which means that I can,” said Karyn.

She pointed to the other side of the lot, and there was what Derpy thought of as a giant, enclosed wagon. Karyn said, “There’s my car, or rather, my parents’.”

“What does it do?”

“It’s transportation. You get inside and you can go long distances at high speeds without wearing yourself out. But, the problem is that you have to learn how to do it. And before they let you, you have to pass a test.

"I took the test a few weeks back, and I failed. So my folks lent me the car to practice when the lot is empty. I should be doing that every day, but I haven’t. I have another chance at the test this week. So I thought that I could get that in and show you how it worked. We’d kill two birds with one stone."

“We can do that later,” Derpy said. “I want to see the car move!” She positioned herself in front of it, and asked, “How exactly do you hitch this on?”

Karyn shook her head and pushed a button on her keychain. The horn beeped and there was a gust of wind as Derpy flew away. “Warn me when you’re going to do that!” she said.

“Sorry. But you don’t pull it. You get in it.” She opened the passenger side door and laid the seat back. “Headroom might be a little tight, but you should be able to see.”

Derpy still expected Karyn to propel the vehicle from the front, but watched Karyn get in beside her.

“So, how do you make it go?” asked Derpy.

“Well, first I’m going to put on this belt. If anything goes wrong, this should keep me in my seat. I don’t know if it would be right for you lying down. You do have an airbag that will go off if we crash. But I’m going to try not to have that.

“Now, can you see these three pedals down here? The right one is the gas pedal, the middle one is the brake, and the left one is the clutch.”

“OK, so far, I don’t get it,” said Derpy.

“There’s only two more things, really. This wheel here makes it go left and right, and this knob down here is the gear shift. That’s where I tend to screw up.” Karyn turned the key and the car sprang to life.

“Whoa!” said Derpy.

“Sorry, I keep forgetting that you’re not used to all this. I’ve been riding in cars all my life. So now I’ve got to push the clutch down with the brake, and I can shift into first gear. And if we’re lucky. . . “

The car stalled out. “Dammit!” Karyn said.

“What went wrong?”

“If I don’t give it enough gas, that’s what happens. Once I get up to speed, I’m fine. It’s this part that I can’t get down.”

“It’s too bad they can’t just change the gears for you.”

“Yeah, they have those,” Karyn said. “But this car doesn’t, and my folks insist on me learning to drive stick.”

Karyn started the car again, and accelerated into third gear. “OK, now it’s going. From here on out, it’s just a question of practicing enough so that I get the muscle memory necessary to pass the test.”

She tracked around the parking lot for a while, trying to explain to Derpy how she had to check her mirrors, look around, and maneuver, all at the same time.

“But if it’s not being pulled, and it’s not being pushed,” Derpy said, looking behind her to make sure, “then how does it go?”

“OK, I’m not an expert, but the father of one of my friends was always working on his car, so I picked up some of the basics. Imagine a long tube made of metal. And inside the tube, you put another piece of metal that can move up and down.”

“Like when I put my hoof inside one of Twilight’s little spell activators! If I had a metal hoof.”

“Exactly. Now, below that piece of metal, which is called a piston, you put this stuff called gas, even though it’s a liquid.”

“That’s silly,” said Derpy.

“Well, but it makes gas if you set it on fire.” Karyn didn’t think that Derpy was ready to learn about spark plugs yet. “And if you did that, the piston would move up. You attach it at the other end to a crank that uses some of the momentum to push it back down. That’s the basic concept of the engine.”

“OK, but what does that have to do with moving the car?”

“Well, once you’ve got the crank turning, it’s just a question of moving the power down to the axles, which turn the wheels. I don’t really know the ins and outs of the drive train, but it works. Oh, there’s a bit more to it—keeping the pistons lubricated, having brakes on the wheels, pumping the gas into the cylinders—but that’s the idea.”

“It seems complicated just to spin wheels. How do they go forward?”

“Oh, the tires are rubber. They grip the road fairly well.”

“Aha! Why didn’t you just say so? Split it into its vertical and horizontal component forces, make sure you get the right coefficient of resistance, and it makes sense!”

Karyn took her foot off the gas and laughed. “Derpy, once again you amaze me by how I can explain something to you, and you come out of it knowing more than me. How do you do that?”

“I don’t know. Things are always like that for me. It all seems like a fog, and then my eyes focus and I understand.”

Karyn had to swallow a remark about Derpy’s eyes focusing.

“So now that I get it, can I try driving?”

Karyn stopped the car. “OK, here’s the short version of the list of reasons why that’s a bad idea. One: you could crash and kill us. Two: if anyone saw a pony driving, they’d freak. Three: if anyone saw an invisible pony driving, they’d freak more. Four: you don’t have a license. Five: the car is built for hands and feet, not hooves. Face it, Derpy. There is no way on Earth or in Equestria that you’re driving this car.”

******************************************

Derpy slipped behind the wheel. She had to sit human-style for this, which wasn’t comfortable, but she would make do.

Next to her, Karyn put on her seat belt, all the while wishing that it were one of the racing harnesses that professional drivers wore. “How do I let myself get talked into these things?” she said. “I mean, how do you even make invisible puppy-dog eyes?”

Derpy was concentrating more on the task at hoof than on Karyn’s fatalistic worries. She prepared to work all the levers and pedals she needed to do, then realized that she would need some help with step one.

“Can you do the key?” she asked.

“All right.” Karyn turned the key, half expecting to be plastered across the lot in the next moment. But Derpy was cautious, shifting it into first and giving it too much gas rather than stall out as Karyn had.

“See, I told you it was harder than it looked,” Karyn said.

The car jerked and shook, but eventually got some speed. With all her concentration, Derpy released the gas and shifted successfully into second, then got right back into the driving flow.

“I did it!” she said.

“Beginner’s luck,” Karyn replied. “Not that you don’t get credit for it. OK, let’s try a turn. Gently.”

Derpy was able to maneuver the wheel by sticking her hooves in the holes provided for lazy drivers. It would be difficult for a human to turn it that way, but Derpy made do.

Karyn kept giving instructions. “Keep your eyes a couple of hundred feet down the road. When you finish a turn, you can let the wheel return itself to center. No, don’t go into third gear just yet.”

Derpy didn’t say anything, but she was enjoying herself. After a few circuits, they heard a voice should, “Hey!”

She had a moment of panic, and took her hooves off of everything. The car lost speed. “It’s OK, Derpy!” said Karyn. “Just push the brake slowly until we stop. You did the right thing, letting go. Better than having you step on all the pedals.

The car stopped, and Karyn turned the key to shut it off. Up to the passenger side window a teenage boy ran up. He looked at Karyn and asked, “Is this one of those new self-driving cars I read about? Are you with Google?!”

Thankful that he had given her an excuse, Karyn said, “Pretty cool, huh?”

“Wow, you are so lucky to work on stuff like this. I knew they hired young. Hopefully I can get in there someday.”

“Hehe. Maybe we’ll be working together.”

“So listen, can I take a video on my phone to show my friends?” the young man asked.

Karyn wanted to avoid having her parents’ car all over YouTube. She tried to think of a way to get out of this. “You’ve got a camera phone?”

“Yeah, it’s an iPhone.”

“An iPhone? As in, an Apple iPhone? Yeah, I don’t think that’ll go over too well with my bosses. Anyway, I was just finishing this phase of the testing.”

“Hey, I thought they already were doing road tests. Why are you working in the lot?”

“We’re testing some voice-activation features. Watch this. ‘Derpy, please open your door.’”

Derpy caught on to the joke. She opened the driver’s side door and flew out.

“That is so cool!” he said.

“Yeah, you have to say please though, or it won’t work. We’re trying to bring some manners back to society.”

“OK, well, I’m going to let you keep going. Get these things on the road as soon as you can. I want one!”

Once the youth had gone, they got back in the car with Derpy riding shotgun. Karyn turned on the car and started practicing again.

“Well, that was nearly a fiasco,” she said. “But I enjoyed playing with him a little.”

“You were fine. I was just trying not to burst out laughing. That would have given everything away.”

“Yeah, you did a good job,” Karyn said. “Although he’s right. They should get the self-driving cars out on the road sooner. I mean, it’s not only that uncoordinated folks like me wouldn’t then have to waste their Sundays practicing when they could be having fun with their pegasus friends. It’s also about safety. And not just people being distracted while driving, but just all the things that drivers do wrong, the poor judgments they make. And we’ll have the added benefit of more time. I mean, there’s public transportation, and you know all about that, you’ve ridden in the train. But the problem with that is that it is public. Humans are very private people. Also they don’t want to gather at train and bus stations and leave on someone else’s schedule. When we get cars that everyone owns but that they don’t have to drive, it’ll be a big step forward.”

“How soon do you think they’ll be available?”

“Probably in a few more decades. Just long enough for me to be used to driving. If I can pass my test before then.”

“But, Karyn,” Derpy said, “all the time you were talking, you’ve been driving perfectly.”

Karyn realized that she was right. She had advanced through the gears without coming close to stalling, and neither had she wasted gas. Then she’d been cruising through the lot, taking the turns at the end of the parking lanes without realizing what she was doing.

“How did I do that?” she asked.

“Well, we don’t have driving in Equestria—I mean we do, we just call it pulling carts, or running trains, and that’s easier since you have the tracks to tell you where to go—but we do have tests, and every test is not just a test of skill, but a test of nerves. What held you back before was that you were trying. Don’t try to do it. Just do it.”

“That’s the best combination of Yoda, Morpheus, and Nike I’ve ever heard.”

“Who?”

“Never mind,” Karyn said. “Just some things out of fiction. Not real like you are. But it’s one thing to say those things. It’s another to sit in the driver’s seat.”

She drove around some more, this time with difficulty. Derpy tried to help by making idle chatter.

“I’m glad you could come out and see me do this,” Karyn said. “I think I am getting a bit better, and maybe I can pass the test next time.”

“And if not then, keep trying. Or, do they ever just say, ‘You’ve failed too many times. You’ll never drive’?”

“No, I can keep trying until I pass.”

“That’s good. For you, not necessarily for people who are such bad drivers.”

“But anyway, thank you.”

“No, Karyn. Thank you.”

“Thank me? What did I do?”

Derpy paused for a moment. “I have a filly, you know.”

“Of course. Dinky.”

“That’s right. She’s a unicorn. I’ve never said anything to her, and I wouldn’t change a single thing about her, honest I wouldn’t. But there are some times that I wish I could have taught my filly how to fly. Watch her make her first take-off, see the first time she flew without a cloud underneath to catch her, maybe get a job making weather. This has been kind of a substitute.”

“Aw, Derpy, don’t say that,” Karyn said.

“Why not?”

“Because I have to keep my hands on the wheel, and I can’t hug you.”

“That’s OK. I’ll keep a ledger, and we’ll catch up on hugs when we get out of the car.”

Karyn got a funny image in her head of someone seeing her hugging the air. “Was it hard,” she asked, “raising a unicorn when you’re a pegasus?”

“Not at first. But I did have to get other unicorns to teach her how to use her magic. That hurt a little, because I hated to let her out of my sight.”

“Were you an overprotective mother?”

“I like to think I wasn’t. But Dinky might not agree.”

“My mom was,” Karyn said. “She didn’t even want me to learn to drive the car. But my father insisted, and I probably would have done so either way. I just want to get this test over with.”

“Do you want me to come for the test and hang out in the back seat?”

“Haha, no, thanks. That’s OK. But I’ll pretend you’re there. Maybe that will help.”

“And once you pass, you’ll be able to drive all over?”

Karyn paused. “Yes, but it’s more than that. It’s a rite of passage into adulthood. All the things you were talking about, the first solo flight for a young pegasus and such, they’re ways that we know we’re growing up. And that can be a little scary. A pegasus has to fear crashing into the ground, and I have to fear crashing the car. But I can’t live in fear. And once I’ve made it, things open up for me.”

“What kind of things?”

“I’ll show you. I’m going to take the car on the road. Not technically legal unless you’re a licensed driver, but we’re only going a block or two.”

Karyn pulled out of the parking lot and, carefully maintaining the speed limit, drove down the road and turned at a yellow and red sign.

Derpy sat in silence as they drove to a box standing in the ground, then she reached a state of awe as Karyn and the box had a conversation. They drove on to a window, where another human handed Karyn a bag in exchange for some money.

Back at the lot, Karyn took from the bag two small containers and handed one to Derpy. “They’re fried potatoes,” she said. “That was a drive-through. A way to get your food without ever having to leave the car. It’s a little bit of modern convenience to save some time. But you can’t do it without a car.”

Derpy munched on the potatoes. “Thanks, these are good.”

They ate in silence for a while, then Derpy said, “I wish we had something like that at home. A place to pick up lunch when I’m flying. There’s only one problem I see with it.”

“What’s that?”

“They’d never find a pole big enough to get that speaker box on it.”

Karyn laughed. Three days later, she passed the test.

Author's Notes:

Here's the previews of next week's chapter!

“Hi, Duh-be,” Karyn said. She was lying on the bed in her pajamas, wheezing and looking flush. “I’m sick. I caught a cold or the flu or something. I wish I could have called you and let you know.” She sneezed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I’m just glad I had my hair in a ponytail.”

“You did? Whose?”

“No, it’s just means pulling it back and holding it in place with a rubber band.”

“It makes you look prettier."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Karyn turned over onto her stomach, which she found more comfortable for sleeping. Normally, she loved being around Derpy because, even if she was exasperating, it was a fun kind of wearing out. She had heard the school of thought that said that the best thing to do with a cold was to work through it, pretend you weren’t sick, and let the body fight it off while you didn’t lose any time. She thought that was incredibly stupid. She just wanted to lie still until she was well again, and then have fun with Derpy.

Don't miss it!

9: Is There a Derper in the House?

One thing that Derpy Hooves particularly liked about her friendship with Karyn was the fact that they had no way to communicate other than face-to-face. While it was convenient to be able to mail her friends in Equestria or Cloudsdale, not being able to know what Karyn was up to lent the relationship an air of spontaneity that kept it fun. So it was that Derpy, hoping her friend would not have made plans of her own, made ready her surprise. She had carefully cleaned and painted, and now was ready to show off. She pulled out her bag of spells and warped to Earth.

“Hey, Karyn! I’ve got something to show you back in—are you all right?”

“Hi, Duh-be,” Karyn said. She was lying on the bed in her pajamas, wheezing and looking flush. “I’m sick. I caught a cold or the flu or something. I wish I could have called you and let you know.” She sneezed.

“A cold? But it’s springtime. And you can’t have flew, because you’re not a pegasus. And because that’s bad grammar.”

“No, no. Cold and flu. They’re diseases. But I’m not surprised you don’t have them in Equestria. Equestria’s perfect.”

“Hey, it’s not perfect. And we have plenty of diseases. Pony pox, cutie pox, plenty of other poxes. But very few upper respiratory infections.”

“Then I wish I were there,” Karyn said, sneezing again. “What was it you wanted to show me?”

“Oh, I had hoped to invite you to my new home. See, way back before I started seeing you, Lyra told me that I would need to have a place for a human to stay if she came to Equestria. So I bought a house in Ponyville, and it’s finally fixed up enough to have people over. I was hoping you’d be my first guest, but you’ve come all over with the ague. Wait, there’s no reason not to do this! You’ll come with me back home, and I’ll take care of you until you get better!”

“Oh, Derpy, I couldn’t make you do that.”

“What are friends for? Besides, there are all sorts of remedies we have in Equestria for diseases. One of them’s got to work. No arguments, now. Just slump over me and you’ll be better in no time.”

Coughing and sputtering, Karyn got on Derpy’s back, feeling the aches in her muscles as she did. She soon found herself being tucked right back into bed. The bed she was in had a wooden headboard and footboard, and outside the window she could see the bright colors of the Equestrian sky.

Something was nagging at the back of Karyn’s mind. “Derpy,” she said. “You shouldn’t have gone and sold your Cloudsdale home just for me. Don’t you think you’ll be a fish out of water if you’re living among mostly Earth ponies?”

“I’m a fish out of water anywhere I live. But in any case, no, I didn’t sell my old place. I’ve still got it, and I’ll show it to you some time. You’ll just have to stay on my back the whole time since it has cloud floors. Probably not something we should do today.”

“Yeah, I’m not feeling up to it. Plus, I don’t want to put a plague on both your houses.”

“OK, you sit tight,” said Derpy. “I’m going to go see if I can’t find some medicine.”

She trotted out of the room. Karyn laid her head back on the pillow and looked around. This was the first time she had been in an Equestrian house that was just a house, and not a library or a boutique. The beams that made up the trusses had been accented by a dark stain, and they stood out against the light wood of the walls. The beams of the roof crossed above her, and with her head swimming, she enjoyed picking out patterns in the knotholes. Above them, the roof itself was a thick mass of straw, that looked like it would provide warmth in the winter.

But it was much warmer, and Karyn was glad of the ventilation the house provided. There were several windows for the room, and all of them were heavily muntined. At the foot of the bed, a French door led onto a small balcony. When she felt better, Karyn was looking forward to standing outside and seeing the view. Not that she hadn’t had a pegasus’s-eye view of the town before, but the motion and the height always distracted her.

The furniture had all been made by hoof, as imperfections and nuances showed. A dresser, a vanity, and a hope chest filled the room and gave it a homey charm. Karyn felt as though she could have been dropped into a 19th-century home, with the exception of the winged pony returning to the room.

“Hey, Karyn. So, I don’t know what this will do for you, but I always take it for an upset stomach, so maybe it’ll do good.”

“OK, I’ll try anything at this point. What is it, tea?”

“Kind of. An herbal infusion, though I don’t think there are actual tea leaves in it. “

Karyn sipped slowly at first, then drank deeper. “It’s not bad,” she said. “It could use some cream and sugar, but for the most—“

She closed her mouth and her cheeks bulged out. A churning sound was heard from her stomach. She got out of bed and ran to the door at the end of the room. She hoped it was the bathroom, because she didn’t have time for a lengthy search.

She was lucky. Even the toilet seat was made of wood, but the plumbing seemed modern enough, and that was lucky also. From outside the room, Derpy heard a sound she’d rather not have.

“You OK in there? Anything I can do to help?”

The toilet flushed. Karyn said, “Not unless you have a toothbrush or some mouthwash or something I can use before all that stomach acid eats my teeth. Plus my breath smells like. . . Spike’s.”

“I don’t, but Colgate lives a few houses down. Wait here.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Karyn said as she began rinsing her mouth out with water from the sink.

Derpy returned with a toothbrush and baking soda. For Karyn, who was used to flavored toothpastes, it was a little off-putting, but at least she got the nastier taste out of her mouth.

“I’m sorry about the herb drink,” said Derpy. “I guess it didn’t react well to a human stomach.”

“It reacted just fine. But don’t sweat it too much,” said Karyn as she shambled back to bed. “It actually feels better now that it’s over and I’ve gotten it out. I’m not as queasy as I was. I’m just glad I had my hair in a ponytail.”

“You did? Whose?”

“No, it’s just means pulling it back and holding it in place with a rubber band.”

“It makes you look prettier. Anyway, I’m going to put some soup on the boil for you. You’ve got to eat and keep up your strength. Don’t worry, I’ll only use natural vegetables.”

Derpy started to head out of the room, then turned back. “I just wish there were something I could do medicinally—wait! I’ll go see Zecora!”

“The zebra?”

“Yeah, she knows everything about cures and such. She’s got to have something that can fix you up. I’ll leave the soup to simmer. Wait here.”

“Again, I’m not going anywhere.”

Derpy flew as fast as she could to the Everfree Forest. In broad daylight, it was less scary than usual, and Zecora didn’t live too deep within. When she knocked on the door, she heard the deep voice from within.

“Well, now. I wonder who is it. Perhaps a friend, coming to visit?”

Zecora opened the door and said, “Oh, my. Who is this that I see? Why, it’s Miss Hooves, first name Derpy.”

Ever since Zecora had been coming to Ponyville regularly, Derpy liked to be around her to hear the way she talked.

“Hi, Zecora. You know, I’ve always liked the way you speak in rhymes, but I’ve never learned the trick. Anyway, I’m here because I have a friend who’s. . . feeling ill.”

“Ah, so that is why, my hut, you seek. Tell me, who is the pony of whom you speak?”

Derpy had entered the hut and was examining a rack of spices. “I’m not sure you know her, she’s—hey, is this cumin? Oh, she’s not a pony, she’s Karyn the. . . young lady.”

“A human girl that you brought to our town? A shame she must see it when she’s feeling down.”

“She’s been here a couple of times—healthy—before. Now, I’m trying to help her, and I want to do. . . something extra.”

Zecora smiled. “To nurse a sick friend is a laudable goal. Tell me, what have you done for the poor human foal?”

“Her stomach hurt; I hoped your herb drink would calm it. But instead, when she drank it, it just made her. . . upchuck.”

“To offer her medicine shows a good heart, but giving her that was a wrong on your part. Fear not, though, your first act was just a rehearsal. I will find you a cure that is more universal.”

“Oh, if you only could, I’d be grateful to no end. I’ve just got to help her, she’s such a good. . . companion.

Zecora brought out a supply of tree bark. “Keep her in bed, with her head on a pillow. And have her chew this. It comes from a willow.”

“I hope it doesn’t backfire, the way the drink did. I wish you could see her, she’s such a cute. . . child.” Derpy packed the bark in her saddlebag and prepared to go. “Can you really assure me that this will be mild? She’s awfully fragile, being only a. . . kid.”

“How someone will react, we can never quite tell. But even Fluttershy uses it, when her animals are not well.”

“If it works for those fauna, I’ll give her this flora. See you ‘round. Thanks a lot. Au revoir, Miss. . . Zebra lady!”

After that exchange, Derpy sped home and took the soup off the stove. She carried the bowl and the tree bark up to Karyn, who was still awake coughing and sneezing. From a closet, she found a snack table and set it up.

“Now, eat up and then you can take your medicine.”

“What medicine? And what’s with the bark?”

“That is the medicine, according to Zecora.”

“I have to chew bark?!” asked Karyn. “Don’t you have medicine in capsules? I know I’ve seen that.”

“A few, but I’m afraid of a repeat of before. Zecora said that anypony can take this.”

Karyn leaned over and picked up the spoon. It was awkward eating the soup nearly lying down, but she didn’t feel like sitting all the way up. The soup was hot and clear, and she enjoyed the steam going up her nostrils. She slurped it down and, while it didn’t clear her sinuses, it did ease her stomach, which was hungry after her earlier episode.

“This is better than the soup I had at Twilight’s,” she said.

“Heh. Maybe you just have bad reactions to magic.”

“I hope not. I love being around it. I don’t think that’s it. I never suffered any ill effects when we were making the movie.

She finished the soup and looked at the bark. “Do I really have to chew this?”

“It really will make you feel better. If you want, I can reheat some of that soup so that it burns your tongue and you won’t taste it.”

“That’s not necessary.” Karyn bit off a bit of the bark and put it in her mouth. “It’s not so bad if I cheek it and don’t have to taste it. I just wish I didn’t know I was eating tree.”

“Don’t eat it. When you’re done with that piece, you can start chewing another.”

“All right. But I’d like to rest now.”

“That’s a good idea,” said Derpy. “You’re going to need something for that. Wait here.”

“I keep telling you—“

But Derpy was gone and back before Karyn could finish her sentence. In her mouth she had a black handle, at the end of which was a shiny brass bell. She set it down next to Karyn, then tucked her into bed.

“Now, you just ring if you need anything. Anything at all.”

“OK. Thanks, Derpy. But I’m sure I’ll be fine. I just want to sleep.”

Derpy left the room and stood outside waiting. After four or five minutes, she went back in. She didn’t want to wait until Karyn fell asleep.

“Karyn?”

“Yeah, Derpy?”

“Aren’t you going to ring the bell?”

“What? I don’t need anything.”

“I guess sickness is different among humans. When somepony here gets, say, the pony pox, a friend comes over and gives her a bell. As soon as the friend leaves, the sick pony rings the bell. When the friend rushes back, the sick pony says that she was just testing it out. Then the friend goes back out, and the sick friend rings the bell to ask for her pillow to be fluffed. After that the ritual gets less structured.

“But you should be making more petty requests until I get frustrated and take the bell away. Then you apologize, we become better friends, and it finishes up with me catching whatever it was, and then the roles reverse. It’s a friendship tradition going back ages.”

Karyn leaned back, and a smile came over her face. “That sounds wonderful. It sounds like a lot of fun. But no, I’m really tired and hurting, and I just want to sleep. Let’s start a new ritual, just you and me. I’ll ring the bell when I wake up and that way you won’t miss a minute of awake-me.”

“All right,” said Derpy.

She trotted downstairs. As she tidied the kitchen, she thought of how different ponies and humans were. When Dinky was sick, jokes like the bell would cheer her right up, and there were plenty of magical remedies to make illness a mere nuisance. But Karyn treated her cold as more as something to be endured than something to be cured. If she could just find the right magic, Karyn could jump out of the bed and be normal again.

Karyn turned over onto her stomach, which she found more comfortable for sleeping. Normally, she loved being around Derpy because, even if she was exasperating, it was a fun kind of wearing-out. She had heard the school of thought that said that the best thing to do with a cold was to work through it, pretend you weren’t sick, and let the body fight it off while you didn’t lose any time. She thought that was incredibly stupid. She just wanted to lie still until she was well again, and then have fun with Derpy. But she was still committed to not overspending her time in Equestria. She was not going to graduate college nominally twenty-two but physically thirty. But she would table that for now. Her breathing slowed and she fell asleep.

When she came to, there was drool drying on the pillow and on her mouth. She took stock of her situation. She could breathe a little easier, and her muscles didn’t hurt quite as much. She took a few deep breaths, and then rang the bell.

Derpy came trotting in. “You feeling any better?” she asked.

“A little. Kind of hungry. How long was I asleep?”

“Almost four hours. I’ve got stuffed mushrooms in the oven, and you can have as many as you want. Get your strength back up.”

“I’d like that. And as much as I hate to say it, I think chewing the bark helped. What was in it?”

“I don’t know. I can ask Zecora the next time I see her. I’ll get a nice poetic answer.”

From downstairs, they heard a knock on the door. “I’ll get that. You wait here,” said Derpy.

“Why does she keep thinking I’m going to leave?” said Karyn, after she was alone.

Derpy reached the front door. “Oh, hey! Zecora! You’ve got perfect timing! We were just talking about you, and your wonderful. . . habit of speaking in couplets.”

“Then I take it your friend is feeling better? Or at least, she’s not quite so far under the weather?”

“She just woke back up from a nap on my bed. I’m sure that your medicine helped clear her. . . sinuses.”

“If it helped, I am proud, and will stand tall. But I came round to see her, and make a sick call.”

They went up and Derpy introduced her two friends.

“Zecora, this is Karyn, who I earlier hyped. Karyn, meet Zecora, so beautifully. . . patterned in alternating black and white sections.”

Karyn nearly collapsed back on the bed again. “Derpy, please tell me that you’re doing that intentionally and not trying to offend her.”

“What am I doing? Did I say something wrong? I’d never insult her, we always get. . . on well together.”

Zecora smiled and leaned in close to Karyn. “She can’t help it, my dear. A residual effect of my magical aura, or so I suspect.”

“Then am I going to start talking like that too?” asked Karyn.

“I believe that would take some more prolonged exposure. I’ve known Derpy a while, and we’ve only grown closer.”

“But why does she always get the wrong word?”

“Perhaps it is not quite the word you would seek. But Derpy is not wrong. She is simply. . . unique.”

Derpy stomped her hoof. “Would you two kindly stop talking about me in third person? It’s a little annoying, and my mood may. . . become not as good as it is now.”

Karyn exchanged a meaningful look with Zecora, then said to Derpy, “I’m sorry. It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.” Once Derpy was mollified, she addressed Zecora again. “So we were talking before about the medicine you gave me. How did chewing bark help my cold?”

“It’s not the bark itself, but what it has in. Salicylic acid, or what some call aspirin.”

“Oh! I vaguely remember reading about that. It’s the same thing on Earth. We just have it in pill form.”

Derpy said, “So, Z, I’ve got stuffed mushrooms down in the oven! Can you stay here for dinner? I made them with. . . tender care.”

“Certainly, Miss Derpy.”

Karyn sneezed. “I guess even though I’m feeling better, I’m still getting over the cold.”

Zecora reached into her bag. “A cure for the cold is not something I have, but for fast getting over, try using this salve.”

She handed Karyn a small jar filled with white cream. Karyn stuck her finger in and sniffed it. “So how do I apply this, just under my nose, or—whoa!”

Karyn leaped out of bed and took a deep breath. Her voice was back to its natural pitch. “I’m better! I don’t hurt anywhere and my nose is clear and it’s like I never had the cold. This is some awesome stuff! Thanks, Zecora. What’s in this one?”

“Some rather rare stuff you do not have on Earth. And some deep zebra magic too, for what it’s worth.”

“I wish it worked on the cold proper, but this is almost as good. I’ll be right back on schedule for the week.”

Derpy said, “Oh, good! I’m so happy, now let’s all go down. And then, if you’re up to it, we’ll trot around. . . Ponyville.”

Karyn rolled her eyes. “I’ll take a walk with you or Zecora, but both at the same time is a strain on my brain.”

They sat at the table and chatted. Zecora was curious about forests on Earth and Karyn tried to explain as much as she could, even though she wasn’t an expert on nature. Derpy said little, but had a wide grin on her face throughout the meal.

When she was picking the plates up for cleaning, she said, “So how about that walk now? Come on, with all three. I know we’ll enjoy it, or my name’s not. . . Hooves.”

“Thank you, my friend,” said Zecora, “but I must be going. I must get home before night, and make sure candles are glowing.”

They all hugged good-bye. When Zecora was gone, Karyn said, “I’m willing to walk around town with you for a while.”

“Great! Let’s go.”

“Good, I just wanted to make sure.”

“Make sure of what?”

“Never mind. So you spend a lot of time with Zecora?”

“Yeah, whenever she comes into town. It’s a little scary in the Everfree Forest, so I don’t go visit her much. I’m just so pleased that the two of you get along. It’s usually awkward when you have two friends who meet each other for the first time. You’re afraid that they won’t like each other or worse, will only have one thing in common—the mutual friend.”

“I kinda know what you mean,” said Karyn. “But Zecora is wonderful with all the magic she knows. But if you are close, then why did you need to come to Earth to find a friend?”

Derpy said nothing, but kept walking into the town square and turned around and stared. Karyn came up to her and looked in the same direction.

“Oh! The sun is setting behind your house! How pretty!”

“It’s an awfully big house. Especially for one pony. You were supposed to be my roommate. I still don’t like living alone. But a weekly friend is better than no friend at all.”

Karyn looked at the house longingly. “You almost tempt me to stay. I’ve just got too much to do on Earth.”

“I know.”

“But who knows about the future?” said Karyn. Then she laughed.

“What is it?” asked Derpy.

“I just realized. Now I don’t even get to call out sick from class!”

Author's Notes:

Coming soon, to a web site near you!

“Wow, what a day!” said Karyn.

“Yeah, that really was a lot of fun. What did you call it again? A cardamom? Cardigan?” asked Derpy.

“Carnival."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As quietly as she could, Derpy got off the couch and folded the sheets neatly with her mouth.

As she was stacking them, she heard movement behind her. “Good morning, Derpy. How are you holding up?” asked Karyn.

“Not bad. I wish I could brush my mane and tail, to say nothing of my teeth."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“A genuine Cloudsdale cloud, ready for when I need it. And when I don’t, I can just put it out of the way.” She lifted with her hooves and the cloud moved to the ceiling, where it stayed.

“Very nice,” said Karyn. “Just don’t go bouncing on it and causing lightning strikes.”

“I would never do that. "

That's next week, right here on Derpy's Human!

10: The Derp-over

Derpy and Karyn entered back into the dorm room, and Derpy turned off her invisibility spell.

“Wow, what a day!” said Karyn.

“Yeah, that really was a lot of fun. What did you call it again? A cardamom? Cardigan?” asked Derpy.

“Carnival. They used to be more involved, but now it’s just rides, games, and food. The games are rigged, the rides are unsafe, and the food is overpriced and greasy. But it’s tradition.”

“Well, then it’s my kind of tradition! Between that pretzel and that funnel cake, I’m surprised I can still fly!”

“Heh, you sure flew well enough to help me knock the milk bottles over,” Karyn said, depositing the oversized teddy bear she had won next to the bed.

“Are you sure that was fair?” asked Derpy.

“Trust me. In the first place, the money I paid to play the game is probably enough to cover their cost for this thing anyway. And in the second, the game can’t be won without an invisible pegasus hovering nearby and knocking the bottle over with her wing. The bottles are too heavy, and they’re positioned so that you can knock over any of them, but never all of them.”

Derpy flopped onto the bed. “Well, I guess it’s all right then. I won’t tell Twilight, though. You know what a stickler she is. Still, the look on the face of the human running it was priceless!”

Karyn dropped her purse on the desk and sat down. “So you had fun?”

“Yeah! There was certainly a different feel from an Equestrian festival, but humans aren’t entirely ignorant of how to have a good time.”

“What was your favorite part?”

“Hmm. . . the iron wheel, I think.”

Karyn was starting to figure out how Derpy’s mind worked, which frightened her a little. “No, Derpy. It’s not a ferrous wheel. It’s a Ferris wheel. Named after the guy who made it. Although, it is made of steel, which is iron-based, so I guess you’re not wrong. But, wait. Your favorite thing at the carnival was the wheel that took us up in the sky? You can go into the sky any time you want!”

“But I can’t take you with me, at least not on Earth. Pegasi are happiest in the air. But Derpy is happiest when she’s with her friend Karyn. Today I got to be both Derpy and a pegasus.”

“Aww. You’re sweet to say that. Maybe someday when I’m feeling insane, I’ll get on your back and we’ll go high enough up where nobody can see us distinctly. We’ll fly over some nice country somewhere, and give you a real nice view of Earth.”

“I’d like that.” Derpy got off the bed and stretched her wings. “OK, I think I’m ready to take off. You be good, now.”

“No promises.”

Derpy strapped on her saddlebag as Karyn went back to her desk to plan out the next day. Checking that nothing would fall off, Derpy reached for the world-hopping spell that she kept in the first slot. She stuck her hoof in and turned.

Nothing happened.

She tried again. Again, she failed to teleport. She kept trying with no results. “What’s wrong with this thing?!” she said.

Karyn turned around. “It’s not working? Why not?”

“I don’t know. It didn’t exactly come with an instruction manual.”

“Are you hitting the contacts? Maybe your hoof swelled from eating too much and it’s not fitting in right.”

“I think I feel them turning, but I can’t be sure. I can’t see and feel at the same time. You want to give it a try?”

“Not really. Every time I’ve gone with you, we’re always in the air. If you’re not under me, I’ll fall to my death.”

“Oh, right. Well, get on and try it.”

Karyn mounted Derpy and took a hold of the spell. By reaching down into it and spreading her fingers as wide as possible, she could feel the three contacts around the rim of the cylinder. When Twilight Sparkle had designed it, her primary concern was to not have it set off accidentally. Making sure it did get used properly wasn’t priority. Still, Karyn was able to stretch her muscles and force the spell’s ring to turn.

The laws of physics stubbornly refused to bend and allow them to cross the dimensional barrier between fact and fiction.

“Hmm. . . I’m definitely feeling it turn,” said Karyn, handing back the spell. “Maybe we’re turning it the wrong way?”

“I thought I’d always turned it clockwise, but I’ll try it anti-clockwise, I guess.” She tried again to activate the spell. “No good. It doesn’t even turn that way. I think it’s broken.”

“Well, let’s not panic just yet. Try one of the other spells, see if that works.”

Derpy pulled out the invisibility spell that she had just removed minutes before, and activated it the same way. “How about it? Can you see me?”

“No, I can’t. So that one still works at least.”

Derpy went back in her bag and removed another spell and twisted her hoof inside it. Water streamed from the other end and soaked Karyn’s carpet. She quickly turned it off and put the spell back.

“That one works fine. They’re all working, except for this one.”

Karyn could see fear start to show in Derpy’s face. “Give it one more try,” she said.

“I don’t see why this one would work when all the others didn’t,” said Derpy, but she put the spell back on her hoof and turned, without effect. She got angry and threw it down on the desk next to the computer. “Karyn, what are we going to do? If this spell doesn’t work, I’m going to be stuck here!”

“That’s not going to happen, Derpy, come on. We’ll make it work,” Karyn said, but Derpy wasn’t paying attention. She had collapsed on the floor and folded her wings.

“I want to go home.”

“Derpy?”

“I want to go home!”

“Hey, Derpy. Stay focused, come on.”

“Celestia, please let me go home! I want to go home! Somepony help me!” Derpy was crying and screaming. Karyn was not only broken up over her distress, but afraid that someone would knock on the door trying to help. With no other options, she slapped Derpy across the face.

Derpy’s crying subsided down to heaving sobs. “I’m sorry for that,” said Karyn. “But you were hysterical.”

“You thought that was funny?!”

“No, not that kind of hysterical. Emotional. You were losing it.”

“I was. I’m still feeling pretty emotional. Please excuse me, I’m going to go wash my face.”

Derpy plodded into the bathroom, and Karyn could hear her weeping from within. She understood. Derpy would have to get it out of her system before she could think clearly again. The best thing would be for her to stay in there until she was ready.

After ten minutes or so, she trotted back out, taking a deep breath as she did. “OK, I’m feeling a bit better. But still not good. I’m really stuck here, aren’t I?”

A thought hit Karyn. “Not permanently. Everypony in Ponyville is going to know you’re missing. If nothing else, when the mail doesn’t get delivered. Once they notice, I’m sure Twilight won’t sleep until she gets you back. And Lyra, and everypony else. They’ll figure out what went wrong with the spell. Or if they can’t, they’ll make a new one.”

“You’re right! That’s the most likely thing that will happen.” She put on a weak smile. For the first time since she had tried the spell, Derpy’s heart didn’t feel quite so heavy.

“So we’re going to sit tight and wait this out. It’ll be a regular sleepover. You’ll just be a houseguest, or dorm-guest as it were,” said Karyn.

“Maybe it’ll even be fun.”

“Sure it will. I’m going to shower up and we’ll get ready for bed. It’ll be a little cramped, but we’ll figure something out.”

“Don’t worry about me. I can sleep anywhere,” said Derpy.

“Oh, that’s right. Equines can sleep standing up.”

“Huh? I don’t know where you heard that, but ponies sleep in beds. With sheets. I just meant me, personally. I can take the couch.”

The couch Derpy pointed to was more of a loveseat, and the fabric was coarse. Karyn knew she would have a rough time sleeping there, and that she was trying to be brave. She gave Derpy her spare sheets and took her toiletries into the bathroom to wash for the night.

As she tried to unfold the sheets to make the ersatz bed more comfortable, Derpy reflected. She had always known that there was an element of risk to coming to Earth, but it had gone so well so often that she had become complacent. If she were a unicorn, she could at least try to find her way back with her own magic. But now she was dependent on help from her friends. It was an awful feeling of impotence.

And there was no guarantee that they would succeed. Twilight was smart, but what if the universes just drifted too far apart for unicorn magic to work? Or what if some greater god of the multiverse decided to deny her return? There was still reason to worry, if not to panic.

More than anything, she thought of Dinky. Dinky was grown, to be sure, and could take care of herself. But part of Derpy still considered it her duty to be there. She would never stop being Dinky’s mother, even if they never saw her again.

And that sad thought had an opposite effect from the one she expected. Because even if she never got home, at some point, everypony dies. And you never know when it will be. So no, there was not a reason to worry. Because if there was reason to worry about getting stuck on Earth, there was reason to worry about everything that happened everywhere. And she couldn’t worry about everything.

By the time Karyn came out of the shower, Derpy was already peacefully asleep.

When she woke up, Derpy hoped for a moment that it was all a bad dream. But the stiffness of the sofa in her back made the reality of the situation clear. She got up and saw Karyn still asleep. As quietly as she could, Derpy got off the couch and folded the sheets neatly with her mouth.

As she was stacking them, she heard movement behind her. “Good morning, Derpy. How are you holding up?” asked Karyn.

“Not bad. I wish I could brush my mane and tail, to say nothing of my teeth, but I’m definitely over my panic attack.”

“That’s good. I’ve got to go to class this afternoon, from one o’clock until seven-thirty or so. Between now and then, we should work out some arrangements to keep you busy and safe until you’re rescued.”

“And we’ve got to talk about what we’ll do if I’m not.”

“Oh, Derpy, don’t talk that way!”

Derpy smiled. “OK. We’ve got to talk about what we’ll do if rescue takes longer than we anticipate. If they come to get me tomorrow, we don’t have any issues. If they don’t, we do. So we plan for what we have to.”

“I guess. But you know that you’re welcome to stay with me.”

“That’s very nice, but not a good long-term plan. What if you want to have other humans over to visit? No, if nothing happens, we’ll have to look long and hard at where I can go, and maybe let some other humans in on the secret.”

Karyn puffed out her cheeks and exhaled. “Let’s not go rushing into anything just yet. If nothing else, let’s not make a decision on an empty stomach. I’m going to go and get breakfast.”

When Karyn left the room, Derpy went into her bag of spells. She found a food reproduction spell. Human food would sustain her, but she would want some hay and grass to maintain a balanced diet. And for flavor.

After they ate, Karyn suggested that they go to the library to pick out a few books for Derpy to read while she was at her classes. She tried to pick out some lighter works to amuse her rather than something educational. But she made some mental notes of things to read if her stay became long-term.

Soon enough, Derpy was left alone. She read some, she played on Karyn’s computer some. At one point, she napped on Karyn’s bed without taking down the covers. It was boring, not being able to leave the house and not having anything useful to do. She wished she had mail to deliver.

When she looked outside the window, she saw the sun setting. She peeked out to see if anyone was watching, and then craned her neck to see the moon as well. There were no princesses in this world to move them. It was just the momentum of objects in space. That depressed her a little.

She decided to do some research on exactly how the sun and moon rose and set. Maybe she could find some significance to it. She went back to the computer and tried to load the search engine.

After a minute or so, the browser displayed a wall of text saying that the site could not be found. She clicked the “Home” button. The same thing happened. “Great, now even this thing isn’t working,” she said.

She sat there, bored, until Karyn came home.

“Hi, Derpy. How are you holding up?”

“All right, I guess.”

“That’s good,” said Karyn. “I brought dinner. I got Chinese food. I don’t know if you’ll like this, but I do. And I picked you up a chocolate chip muffin for dessert. I figured you needed a pick-me-up.”

Karyn pulled the muffin out of the paper bag and held it out for Derpy. “Yes, I do,” she said, “but I don’t really need to eat it.”

They ate the food Karyn had brought. Derpy thought that the ingredients weren’t particularly fresh, and the sauce tended to overpower them, but she was going to have to get used to Earth food.

“So did you read those books while I was gone?” Karyn asked.

“Some of them. I was actually pretty bored. I think I didn’t do anything but reading, eating, and sleeping today. I definitely want to figure out something more productive to do tomorrow. I’ll go invisible and learn the city streets or something.”

“You could do that. My class is at one o’clock tomorrow,” Karyn said.

“That’ll work. Oh, by the way, something’s wrong with the computer. I can’t get to any web sites.”

“Really, I’ll take a look.”

Karyn shooed Derpy off the chair and took it herself. She typed in an address and the site came right up.

“It’s working for me,” she said.

Derpy hovered nearby and watched as Karyn checked her e-mail and a few of her web bookmarks. She started idly playing with the broken spell.

“Now that’s weird,” she said. “Why would it just stop working and then fix itself without you doing anything?”

“Sometimes things are like that,” Karyn said. “I’ve had other IT people say that it’s because the computer wants to make you look foolish. But sometimes things break or work for no reason.”

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a flash. She was alone in the room.

“It worked!” she said out loud. “But why now and not yesterday?” Then she realized she had answered her own question.

“Thank Celestia!” she said, and for a brief moment, had a totally selfless feeling. She thought of nothing but how panicked Derpy had been when she thought she was stuck on Earth. Karyn thought that she would give anything for her friend to never have to feel that way again.

Karyn imagined what it would be like for Derpy to reappear in Equestria. She would be shocked for a moment by the sensation of falling, but then instinctively spread her wings. She belonged in the sky, not trapped in a room. As soon as she made it home, she would let everypony know that she was back. No, the first thing she would do would be to get in contact with Dinky, probably fly straight to her and give her a hug.

Then Derpy would take the teleport-to-Earth spell and smash it to bits. She would want to be sure never to be tempted to use it again. Having nearly lost everything, there was no way she would risk it again.

Nor was it necessary. Derpy had good friends in Equestria, like Lyra, Twilight, Pinkie, and Zecora.

“And they were once my friends too,” Karyn said. She finished her dinner. She threw away the chocolate chip muffin.

For the rest of the week, Karyn threw herself into her studies. She didn’t want to think about the weekend. It would be the first time in a while that she would have two straight days of being alone. She thought of how she might occupy herself. Catch up on her own reading, give the dorm room a thorough cleaning, maybe watch some videos of My Lit—

When she had thoughts like that, she quickly found something else to do, something to distract her.

There was another issue she kept ducking. When Derpy had vanished, she had left behind her saddlebag full of spells, and Karyn was going to have to figure out what to do with them. She was worried that they could be dangerous in the wrong hands, and she wasn’t sure that all hands weren’t the wrong hands. But at the same time, they could be incredibly useful, and she might want them around to remind herself that magic was real, and that she had once experienced it.

And so it was, that late Saturday night, with nothing else to do, Karyn locked her door and opened the bag. The spells weren’t labeled, and she didn’t want to mess around with any that might be dangerous. She picked up the invisibility spell and made a mental note to toss the Bluetooth. She wouldn’t need it anymore.

To be invisible. How many stories had been written about that? Karyn thought about the possibilities, trying to think if there was any way to help people or become famous or such. Silly daydreams, she thought. If only Derpy were here, she’d say something like, “How can they be daydreams when it’s 11:59 at night?”

She put her hand inside the spell. She didn’t want to be invisible. She wanted to disappear.

From behind her, Karyn heard, “What have we here? A human sorceress, practicing her dark magic?”

She turned around. “Derpy!” She rushed to embrace her friend. “What are you doing here?”

“It’s Sunday,” said Derpy, “and has been ever since a minute ago. Sunday is our day. And I wanted to have it start as soon as possible.”

“But what happened when you went back? How did everypony react?”

“I’ll tell you. I popped back right on top of a cloud, and it took me a while to get my bearings. Another pegasus pony, I didn’t catch who, was flying by and I gather that he wasn’t expecting me to be there. He had to swerve to avoid me and he said something nasty. Then I realized that I was back in Equestria, and I remembered what you said about things just fixing themselves sometimes. I checked in at the post office and they said that a few ponies had asked about me. From the descriptions I figured it was Lyra and Twilight. So I went to see them, but not before I had caught up on deliveries.

“I told them what happened and they said something about intermittent magical disruptions caused by—well, I’m not sure, it was fairly complicated, and probably only a unicorn could understand. But it was basically that something in the air of Equestria blocked off the spell from working. They said that if it happens again, to not worry, just hang tight and keep trying every day, and it will work eventually. Hey, why are you crying?”

“You silly pegasus, I thought I was never going to see you again!”

Derpy crossed her eyes more than usual. “Face it, my little human. You’re stuck with me. And particularly tonight. I didn’t entirely hate sleeping over, so I came prepared to do it again.”

“Oh, Derpy, that’s wonderful! “I’ll make up the couch.”

“You don’t have to. Twilight gave me a bunch of new spells, and one of them is for this.” She took off her new saddlebag, which Karyn saw was the same color as the old one, only shinier. Derpy activated a spell and a cloud started pouring forth from it. She turned it off when the cloud was a bit bigger than the sofa. Then she jumped on the cloud and bounced and rolled as it supported her weight.

“A genuine Cloudsdale cloud, ready for when I need it. And when I don’t, I can just put it out of the way.” She lifted with her hooves and the cloud moved to the ceiling, where it stayed.

“Very nice,” said Karyn. “Just don’t go bouncing on it and causing lightning strikes.”

“I would never do that. Besides, this isn’t a storm cloud. Just a puffy one. Anyway, did you want to go to bed now?”

“I was ready to, until you showed up. Now I’m all hyper from the excitement. I’m ready to hop on your back and fly across the moon!”

“Really?” asked Derpy.

“No, not really. But I do need to go out now. If I leave, will you promise to still be here when I get back?”

“Yes, I promise.”

Karyn ran out the door. Derpy was a little confused. A moment ago, she thought, Karyn was ready for bed, but now she has to go? It must have been because I showed up, but what could she need?

Fifteen minutes later, the door opened and Karyn came back in. “It’s from a convenience store,” she said, “so it won’t be as good as if it were fresh. But you’re going to have it this time, and no excuses.”

In her hands was a chocolate chip muffin.

Author's Notes:

And now, the previews of next week's chapter!

"You can come to Equestria this Tuesday.”

“Why Tuesday?”

“Because it’s clearly the most boring day. Friday you have the weekend coming, and Monday you’re recovering from it. Thursday you’re so busy getting your work done so that you can slack off on Friday that the day goes by so quickly, and Wednesday at least has the excitement of being the middle of the week.”

Karyn stared for a moment. “That’s some logic there. I’ll give you that.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Not that we couldn’t do this on our own,” Rainbow Dash said, “but it would have taken us a week to get it set up. This way, we’ve had sunshine all week, and now everypony’s ready for the rain!”

“So, Rainbow,” Karyn said, “why do you have to have such a big storm?”

“A couple of reasons. First off, it’s lots of fun! We make an occasion of it, celebrate with extravagant food and drink, all the usual party stuff. But it’s also to stress-test the village."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The closest thing we have are the trains.”

“Oh! We should have taken one!”

“To where?” asked Derpy. “We don’t have any place to be.”

“To nowhere. To anywhere. I’d love to go on an Equestrian train someday.”

Read the rest next week right here!

11: Rain, Rain, Derp Away

The sound was like static as the rain came down against the streets. Karyn and Derpy stared out the window.

“Well, there goes our picnic,” said Karyn.

“Yeah. Why do they have rain on the weekends anyway?” asked Derpy.

“We don’t have weather control like you do. Rain comes when it wants and no one knows how to stop it.”

“I bet I could. I’m not a weather pony, but I could open up a small hole in the clouds if I really tried.”

“That would probably freak people out,” said Karyn. “Storms have to dissipate, they can’t just cease to be.”

“So what do you want to do?”

“If we can’t go out, I don’t know, stay home and watch videos on the Internet?”

Neither of them had any better ideas, so Karyn sat at the computer and called up some funny clips. They began with blooper videos and commercials, but Derpy wasn’t laughing much. Karyn chalked it up to the cultural differences. They moved on to stand-up comedy. After a few of them still failed to elicit anything from Derpy, they found themselves watching an older man doing a routine. Derpy seemed to be paying rapt attention.

“You like this guy?” asked Karyn.

“I like his hair,” said Derpy. Karyn saw that, while he was balding in front, he still had a long ponytail.

Karyn turned up the volume and the man spoke to the live crowd.

“People like to sound important. Weathermen on television talk about shower activity. Sounds more important than showers. I even heard one guy on CNN talk about a rain event! Swear to god, he said, ‘Louisiana’s expecting a rain event.’ I thought, ‘Holy crap, I hope I can get tickets to that!’”

Derpy broke up laughing. She rolled around on the bed clutching her stomach.

“Really, Derpy?” Karyn said. “I didn’t think that you’d be into George Carlin.”

“But that’s funny! Selling tickets to a rain event. How would you keep anypony out?”

“No, that’s not the joke. It’s that there’s an extra word—wait, you actually have rain events?”

“Sure! All the time. If you’ve got to have rain, why not make an event out of it?” said Derpy.

“But what do you do at a rain event?”

“Set up the rain, dance in the rain, play games in the rain, all sorts of stuff!”

“Wow. I’d like to see that.”

Derpy scowled. “Well, we don’t schedule them for the weekends. But If you really want to see one, you can come to Equestria this Tuesday.”

“Why Tuesday?”

“Because it’s clearly the most boring day. Friday you have the weekend coming, and Monday you’re recovering from it. Thursday you’re so busy getting your work done so that you can slack off on Friday that the day goes by so quickly, and Wednesday at least has the excitement of being the middle of the week.”

Karyn stared for a moment. “That’s some logic there. I’ll give you that.”

And so, two days later, Karyn prepared to visit Equestria.

When Derpy arrived for pickup, Karyn was ready to jump right on her back and go, but Derpy held up a hoof. “Unfortunately, we can’t just jump dimensions right from here,” she said. “At least, not this time. The pegasi are preparing the sky over Ponyville, and they told me to stay well clear. So we need to go a few miles away before we use the spell.”

“That could be problematic. We can’t both go invisible at the same time, can we?”

“No, we can’t. But it’s an overcast day, and I can get above the clouds fairly quickly. Then it’s smooth flying all the way.”

Karyn climbed on Derpy’s back. “I guess, but watch out for airplanes and try to stay small so you don’t show up on radar,” she said.

“On what now?”

“Humans have an invention that can tell when things are in the air and how they’re moving. It sends out light beams and measures how long they take to come back. They can get a good picture of the sky like that. So watch out.”

They took off out of the dormitory window. Derpy wanted to circle and see some of the city, but she took Karyn’s words to heart and went for altitude quickly. They reached the clouds and were hidden. But Derpy heard Karyn’s voice.

“Bleah! I’m getting wet! And it’s cold!”

“Hang on, Karyn, we’ll be up above this layer soon.”

Pumping her wings with all her might, Derpy broke through to the sun.

Karyn shielded her eyes. “That’s better. Derpy, why aren’t you wet?”

“Why should I be?”

“Because we just went through those clouds. I’m soaked. Though the sun is drying me. It’s nice. It’s been cloudy all week and it’s good to feel the warmth again.”

“I’ve flown through clouds lots of times. They’re like puffy cotton,” Derpy said.

“It must be a pegasus thing. You could even land on the cloud and have it be solid to you. I can’t even imagine what that’s like.”

Skimming the top of the cloud layer, Derpy flew lazily and looked at the city through the occasional breaks. It was impressive, but cold. She said as much to Karyn.

“Some of those buildings are very old,” Karyn said. “Or rather, they’ve had a lot of people in them. Ponyville seems newer, because you’re only a few generations removed from the founding, however many years it was.”

“We do tear down and rebuild a lot. Anyway, speaking of Ponyville, I think we’re far enough away now to go there. Can you reach into my bag and get the spell? It’s the first one.”

Being careful not to drop it, Karyn retrieved the spell and passed it to Derpy. She slid it on her hoof and twisted.

The transition from the sky of Earth to the sky of Equestria was like breaking through the clouds for a second time. Karyn again had to shield her eyes and allow them to adjust to the brightness. But Derpy circled around and they could see where the team of weather ponies was gathered to set up the rain event.

Pegasi were coming from all sides, collecting drops of moisture and making little clouds, then passing them on to others who made them into big clouds.

Derpy and Karyn made their way back toward the action, losing altitude as they did.

“It’s just so weird,” said Karyn, “seeing all this happen by design. What would happen if you didn’t make it rain?”

“I don’t make it rain. I deliver mail.”

“Not you specifically, I mean pegasi.”

“Oh. I guess Ponyville would turn into a desert eventually. There are some desert parts of Equestria. The pegasi who live there must be awfully lazy. And some swamps and wetlands as well, for hard-working and industrious ones.”

Derpy glided closer to the ground, trying to stay well clear of the weather ponies. Already the sun was beginning to be occluded, and the warmth of the rays was fading.

From above, Karyn heard a voice. “Hey, Derpy! Is that Karyn with you? Bring her up!” It was Rainbow Dash.

“Are you sure?” called Derpy.

“Yeah! Come on!”

Derpy took wing again, carefully looking around her. They got close enough to Rainbow to avoid having to shout.

“Hey, Karyn. Long time, no see.”

“Hi, Rainbow Dash. Are you sure it’s all right for us to be up here?”

“Yeah, sure. We’re not due to start for another hour or so.”

“The pegasus in charge told me that it would be dangerous,” said Derpy.

“Nah, he’s just being cautious,” said Rainbow. “Anyway, we’re really glad you could make it for this. We’re going to have one of the biggest storms Ponyville has seen in a long while. We even brought in a special cloud machine for the nimbo-stratus.”

“I don’t see any machine,” said Derpy.

“Here it comes now. Hey, Nimbo! Hey, Stratus!” Two muscle-bound pegasi were carrying what, to Karyn’s eyes, looked like a big meat grinder. They gingerly placed it on top of a flat cloud that some others had pushed over. Then, from a compartment in the machine, they pulled out two buckets and dove for the ground. When they returned, the buckets were filled with water, which they poured into the top spout. Soon, dark cloud was spewing out the other end.

“Not that we couldn’t do this on our own,” Rainbow Dash said, “but it would have taken us a week to get it set up. This way, we’ve had sunshine all week, and now everypony’s ready for the rain!”

“So, Rainbow,” Karyn said, “why do you have to have such a big storm?”

“A couple of reasons. First off, it’s lots of fun! We make an occasion of it, celebrate with extravagant food and drink, all the usual party stuff. But it’s also to stress-test the village. After we’re done, there’ll probably be a few downed tree branches, maybe a roof or two that needs repair. There might be a drain that’s clogged in somepony’s yard. It’s better to find out when we have time to repair them than after an ordinary rainstorm.”

Karyn thought this was good policy. As a technology student, nothing bothered her more than when a piece of equipment had been working fine for years, and then one day just decided to quit. Her rule was that a major scheduled outage was better than a minor unscheduled one.

The buckets of water were coming faster now, and the smoky cloud was pouring out faster and darker. Derpy said, “It looks like you’re doing a lot of work here. It makes me glad to be a mailpony.”

“Don’t sell yourself short, Derpy,” said Rainbow. “If you ever want to turn weather pony, I’ll. . . definitely give you a tryout. But let me finish this so we can start on time.”

“OK. Come on, Karyn. See ya later, Dash!”

“Goodbye, Rainbow Dash,” said Karyn. “Derpy, where are we going to watch this from?”

“My house.”

Derpy’s house had a crude wrap-around porch. The roof of straw extended past the outer wall a few feet, but the second story did not. Planks had been laid down outside the front door to give the feeling of a boardwalk. Derpy had put in a wooden bench with a cushion, and also a pair of wrought-iron end tables. Karyn sat there while Derpy fiddled in the kitchen.

Over the next hour, the humidity started getting worse and Karyn was sweating. Normally she didn’t notice the weather getting worse until it happened, but the whole point of today was to pay attention. Derpy noticed her perspiration.

“Don’t worry,” she said. “It will get cooler once the rain starts.”

They chatted about odds and ends, then Derpy said it was almost time. Ponies all over town were gathering under their own porches, or under large umbrellas, or in tents. A few foals and fools were out in the open, wanting to enjoy a cold shower on their backs.

She went into the kitchen and came out with a tray on her back. Tall glasses of pink lemonade filled with ice sat there, condensation already forming on the sides. There was also a small, white box with “SCC” marked on the top, tied with a striped string in a bow. Derpy slid the tray onto the table by Karyn’s side, then sat next to her. “Pass me a glass, please,” she said.

The air was heavy. All around them, conversations tapered to a whisper, birds stopped chirping, and the rustling of the trees could not be heard. The dirt road that led away from Derpy’s house and into town was hazy with the dust kicked up by ponies and carts. The dry clay showed off its contours and cracks. Under the gray canopy, everything came to a standstill. Ponyville held its breath.

The first raindrops fell. Karyn and Derpy watched as they formed silver-dollar circles on the ground. Evaporating from the heat or sinking in to the porous ground, the roads remained dry for a moment, then the circles began to take hold. Filling in like a puzzle, the circles of wet became hypocycloids of dry, which were then swallowed up. The scattered haze of the dust gave way to the steady haze of the rain.

The patter of the first drops became the pattern of the downpour, as each individual plink or tap melded into a pleasant hiss. Shh, it seemed to say. Stop and listen. The rain that fell on the metal roof of a shed kept time in the symphony, while the leaves of the trees clapped a melody. A playful guffaw was heard any time a fat drop fell into a half-full rain barrel, or into the deeper puddles that were forming in the ruts of the road.

Steamy wisps of vapor rose from the dirt roads and the wooden houses, evincing and surrendering the heat they contained. The muggy heaviness was lessened as each tiny sphere took unto itself a minute fraction of a degree of the heat. Karyn sipped at her lemonade and wiped off the condensation, then put her hand on her cheek, enjoying the feel of the cool moisture. Derpy took a heavy breath through her nose, attracting the currents of cool air that ran through the heavy atmosphere.

Derpy tapped Karyn on the shoulder and pointed at the white box. Karyn picked it up, and Derpy bit through the string holding it closed. Inside were two cinnamon buns covered in gooey icing. The humidity had made the icing melt a little, and Derpy indicated that they should eat them quickly. Karyn handed one to her and took out the other one.

The rain was coming down harder now, and the wind was starting to blow. The tops of the tall trees swayed in a pendulum pattern with the leaves in a frenzied flapping. Ripples riffled through the puddles, and the gusts even reached the falling rain itself. The jumbled pattern formed itself into sheets of water that meandered up the road like a ghost.

Young ponies were out playing in the rain, splashing into puddles and rolling in the mud, then standing up and washing themselves clean, their manes sticking to their bodies. Among the gatherings in the tents and houses, laughter and singing rang out, only to be muffled in the din of the rain.

The wind tore the drops apart into an invisible mist. Karyn felt the spray on her face. It was like a cool hand. She had finished her cinnamon bun, and her hands were sticky from the icing. She stood up and stepped to the edge of the porch, holding out her hands and rubbing them in the water that dripped from the roof. As she sat back down, Derpy held out her wing toward Karyn’s hand and nodded. Karyn rubbed her hands gingerly on the feathers. It was the softest towel she had ever used.

“I’m glad I could see this,” said Karyn. “We never do this sort of thing at home.”

“You should.”

“We can’t schedule them like you can. And someone’s always got something more important to do. Can I tell you a story?”

“Sure,” said Derpy.

“When I was little, my mother tried to get me to enjoy the outdoors. She signed me up for an organized sports league.”

“Like for the soccer game we played?”

“More organized. And a different sport. There’s a ball that you throw, and—never mind, that’s not important. But there was a practice and a game scheduled for every Saturday. But wouldn’t you know it, for five straight Saturdays it rained. And they refused to cancel the games, because it meant that they would have to refund the money we’d paid. So when it finally was nice, we wound up playing two games in one day. I had to get up early and go out all day. And do the same thing the next weekend. By the time it got late, I was hating the game. We had one more game to go. As hard as I could, I wished that it would rain every Saturday forever. Well, of course it didn’t. But it did rain that Saturday. And I sat by my window and just watched and listened to it. That was a pretty good day.

“I haven’t thought about that for a long time. But this brought it back. Thank you.”

Derpy put Karyn’s hand in her hooves. “I wish I had known you back then,” she said. “I would have come and made it rain every Saturday for you, if that’s what you really wanted.”

Karyn smiled. “Thank you.”

The heavy rain was coming down now. Ponies in the tents were pulling tarps to enclose them fully, and parents were calling their foals in. The light mist became an irritating spray, and Karyn and Derpy went inside.

The house was dark, and Derpy lit some candles she had placed around the room. The rain now blattered against the windows and the walls, and Karyn could barely see outside. There were no shapes, only blotches of color moving against each other.

“Come on, Karyn. Help me push this couch over to the window,” said Derpy.

Derpy’s front window was not large, and it was made to look smaller by the curtain. Once they were settled on it and watching the rain through the window, they could feel the warmth of the candles. It had been fun to be outside, but now it would be dangerous and unpleasant.

“This is the climax of the rain,” said Derpy. “Rainbow Dash will have everypony hammering on the clouds until they tire out. It won’t last more than five or ten minutes. Like I said before, I’m glad I’m not a weather pony.”

“Don’t you have to make deliveries on rainy days? On Earth, our mail carriers pride themselves on being able to make it through any kind of weather.”

“If I do, I just fly above the clouds until I get to my destination, then kick a hole in when I get there.”

Karyn concluded that some Equestrian ways were more practical. The discussion reminded her of something.

“The one thing we can’t experience in this rain event is to drive through it. Being in a car in a rainstorm is something you’ve never done.”

“No, I haven’t. The closest thing we have are the trains.”

“Oh! We should have taken one!”

“To where?” asked Derpy. “We don’t have any place to be.”

“To nowhere. To anywhere. I’d love to go on an Equestrian train someday.”

“It must be hard living in a world without trains. I mean, the car was nice, but you have to drive it yourself. Trains are great. You can just sit back, relax, and you don’t even have to steer them because they’re on rails.”

“No, no. We do have them. There’s just almost no occasion to ride them,” said Karyn.

“Oh.”

The wind and the torrent of water had subsided, so Karyn and Derpy went back outside. The porch furniture was soaked, so they just stood and watched.

The temperature had dropped, and Karyn took a deep breath, remembering how stifling it had been before the rain. There was a particular sweetness to the air, and no trace of smog or pollution. Far off in the distance, she could hear the low rumble of thunder that, on Earth, would mean the storm was moving off.

Suddenly, without taking the time to think twice and stop herself, Karyn kicked off her shoes and ripped off her socks. Then she ran out into the muddy street and stood in the rain.

She threw her arms out wide and danced. Derpy stood laughing on the porch. “Karyn, what are you doing? Before, you couldn’t stand getting wet!”

“The rain got to me!” she shouted. “Come on out. The water’s fine!”

Derpy shook her head and flew out into the street. Hovering and trying to stay out of the mud, she dipped and rolled until her mane and tail were sticking to her. “You’re crazy!”

Most of the other ponies were still inside, but a few were staring at Karyn. Laughing, she leaped at Derpy and dragged her down to the mud.

The rain was starting to taper off. Karyn looked up and saw pegasi rolling up the clouds like a carpet. For a minute or two, there was still a steady fall even though the sun was now out.

“Oh, a sun shower!” said Karyn. “I’ve always loved those.”

“So have I,” said Derpy. “The rain cools you off and the sun dries you. It’s the only time that you have to pay attention to the weather, but not do anything about it. Come on, let’s see if we can help anypony.”

They walked around to some of the houses that had bushes uprooted or shingles dislodged. Derpy was asked a few times to knock some debris off a roof. At one, an Earth pony said, “Have either of you seen a unicorn around? I’ve got a stopped up drain and I can’t clear out the leaves.”

“I’ve got this,” said Karyn. The Earth pony looked skeptical, but he led her to his basement stairs where she could see the drain. The water was already a few inches deep, and if he opened the door, it would get inside the house. Karyn reached down where she figured the drain had to be and felt the leaves. They were a bit slimy, but she didn’t want to back out when she had the chance to help.

The water level dropped, slowly at first, then rapidly formed into a whirlpool. Karyn threw the leaves back into the yard and washed her hands in the last of the water. There was still a small blockage in the drain, so she took a stick and poked it through.

“Thanks!” the Earth pony said. “Never figured on a human being so helpful. Come around any time for some hoof-made hay casserole.”

Karyn and Derpy thanked him for the invitation and went off again. The rain had all but gone.

“Let’s see if we can spot a rainbow,” said Karyn.

“I don’t think we will. All the other pegasi are busy with finishing up the storm.”

“No, I mean a naturally occurring rainbow, the kind you only see in a sun shower.”

“Sun showers don’t cause rainbows, you silly!” said Derpy. “They’re formed when a pegasus releases rainbow juice as she flies. Everypony knows that.”

“Well, it’s not that way on Earth.”

“You mean that you have rainbows that just show up, without anypony making them? And you say Equestria is magical?”

Karyn looked around. The last of the clouds were rolling away. Ponies were pulling down the tents and returning to their homes. The rain event was over.

“Yes, I do,” she said.

Author's Notes:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next week, things really start to heat up!

Karyn slipped into the bathroom and turned on the light. “Derpy?” she whispered. “Are you here?”

“Yeah,” came the return whisper. “I figured out what happened. You’re smart the way you figured out how to tell me!”

“Let’s not go patting each other on the back.”

“Right, unless we’re choking. Then it’s OK,” said Derpy.

**************************************************************

“But you want me to go. No, it’s all right. I’m just worried about you with him,” said Derpy.

“I can see why you would be. But, as much as I’d like you around, it’s just too tiring trying to split time between you. I’ll make it up next week, promise.”

“Talk to you later,” said Derpy.

Beyond that, I can't give anything away. Trust me, this one you don't want to miss!

12: Derple Date

The dormitory at USCI had a vacuum cleaner for communal use. Early Sunday morning, Karyn had signed it out and was cleaning the carpet, singing to herself.

“La la la, cleaning for Derpy. La la la, Derpy Hooves gonna be here soon.”

She had no definite plan in mind, but as she saw the weather outside the window, wondered if Derpy and she might not take a flight up to the clouds and see the layout of the town. Derpy had talked about doing that last time.

The knock on the door took Karyn by surprise, and she had to catch herself from saying, “Come on in, Derpy!” Derpy wouldn’t knock, she thought, so who is that? The vacuum’s not that loud.

She shut it off and opened the door, then found herself being lifted off the ground. “Hey, babe!”

“Mike! What are you doing here?”

“Making an unscheduled visit, honey,” Mike said. “I thought you liked it when I was spontaneous.”

“Oh. I do, usually.”

“What’s the matter, afraid I was going to find you here with another guy? Fat chance of that!”

Karyn was unsure if Mike was complimenting her faithfulness or insulting her attractiveness. “Actually, I was planning on having a friend over today. Not a guy, though.” Not even a human being, she thought. Then she realized that Derpy would be warping in at any moment, and that Mike could wind up seeing her. She had to get him out.

“Hey, yeah? Well, text her or something and blow her off.”

“I can’t text her. She doesn’t have a cell phone. So, maybe you should—“

“Someone doesn’t have a cell phone? What is this, the 20th century?”

“Heh. Well, look, I’ll leave her a note or something and we can go out.”

Mike threw down his backpack and said, “What’s your hurry, sweetie? I just got here. I figured we’d hang for a while. You got anything to eat?”

“Nothing much. Some cookies in the fridge. I can lend you my meal plan card and you can go get something if you want.”

“That’s cool. I’ll go in a few. I’m dogged from the drive up here,” Mike said, flopping onto Karyn’s bed.

Karyn bit her nails trying to think of how to avoid disaster. “Are you sure? I’m a little hungry myself. I’m sure I could go for some pancakes.”

“Chillax, babe.”

Karyn sat down at the computer and racked her brain. Was there any way that she could alert Derpy not to come? No, she had taken back both bags of spells from the time she was stuck here, and without magic, communication with Equestria was impossible. How about getting Mike out? She had already tried that, and he looked fairly well glued to the bed.

Well, if she couldn’t count on ingenuity, maybe she could count on serendipity. Derpy might decide to take a day off. She could be busy with a friend of her own. She could have more spell problems. She could have some sort of safety on the spell that would detect the presence of another human in the room and return her to Equestria. She could. . . be arriving right now!

Karyn didn’t know when she picked up on the signal, but there was a change in the air pressure whenever Derpy appeared in the room. Out of time and options, she threw herself on the bed and landed on Mike, putting her hands over his ears and giving him a loud kiss.

“Morning, Karyn, I—“ Derpy said. She had appeared in the correct direction and saw Mike. Thinking quickly, she plunged her hoof into her bag, found the invisibility spell, and turned it on.

“Damn, girl!” said Mike. “I was hoping you had missed me, but I didn’t expect that.”

“I really don’t know what came over me. I guess I thought that if you were being spontaneous and showing up unannounced that I could try to surprise you as well.”

“No complaints here! But hey, did I hear someone else talking?”

“I don’t think so. Might have been one of my ringtones,” Karyn said.

“Probably. Give me another kiss like that.”

“Not in front of. . . I mean, not right now.”

Karyn got up and sat back at the desk. With the immediate crisis averted, she turned her attention to figuring out what she was going to do. What she needed was a moment to converse with Derpy. She looked at the Bluetooth on her desk. Could the trick really work on a person in the room?

She picked up her cell phone and pretended to look at it. “I’d better call this person back,” she said. She fake-dialed a number and held it to her ear, looking at Mike. Fortunately, he was spacing out on the bed.

“Hey, D,” she said. “Yeah, not a whole lot. My boyfriend just showed up today. What are you going to do? Really? Just hang in the bathroom washing your hair all day?” Mike was looking the other way, so she pointed frantically toward the bathroom. When she saw the door open and close on its own, she said, “OK, well, I’ll see you as soon as I can. Yeah, talk to you later. Bye.”

When she turned back to look at Mike, he was texting on his own phone, but he put it down and sat up.

“So tell me how you’ve been. How are classes going?” he asked.

“Good, they’re good. Ever since mid-terms I’ve been fine.” She wondered how much she could tell him about the mid-term incident, or any of the amazing things that had happened to her that semester. It didn’t seem fair to keep him in the dark. “How about yours?”

“Professors are busting my chops all the time. Doesn’t seem right, I pay their salaries and they get to tell me what to do.”

The small talk was getting to Karyn, making her worry about Derpy stuck in the bathroom. “Would you excuse me?” she asked. “I’ve just got to powder my nose.”

He grinned at the expression.

Karyn slipped into the bathroom and turned on the light. “Derpy?” she whispered. “Are you here?”

“Yeah,” came the return whisper. “I figured out what happened. You’re smart the way you figured out how to tell me!”

“Let’s not go patting each other on the back.”

“Right, unless we’re choking. Then it’s OK,” said Derpy.

“Yes, Derpy. If we’re choking. But we’re not, except metaphorically. What should we do?”

“Well, whatever you were going to do with me, why don’t you do that with him?”

“I was going to go flying with you, mapping out the city. Not exactly something I can do with a wiry guy in glasses,” said Karyn.

“No, probably not. Well, I’m sure he’s going to want to take you out somewhere. I’ll come along invisible. It’ll give me a chance to see human interaction.”

Karyn wondered how well she could give her natural reactions knowing that Derpy was listening to everything that went on, but Mike would be an interesting study. She turned on the faucet and pretended to wash her hands, then went back into the dorm.

“Hey, babe,” said Mike. “Thought you fell in or something.”

Karyn gave a nervous laugh. Mike had opened his backpack and took out his laptop. “What’s your wi-fi password?”

“You’re going to use the network? OK, it’s—let me spell it. Dee-ee-are-pee-why-four-hundred.”

After a few seconds, he said, “Thanks, hon. Net’s been down over at my place all week. I’ve been going out of my mind!”

“Oh, man. I can imagine. No e-mail, not being able to do any schoolwork. . . “

“Haha! Die, scumbag!” Mike yelled.

“What?!”

The tinny speakers on Mike’s laptops played stock explosions and spaceship sounds. “Oh, you’re playing an MMORPG,” Karyn said.

He ignored her and concentrated on his game. She looked around the room and found one of the books that Derpy had been looking at when she was stuck on Earth. Counting on Mike not noticing, she slipped it through the bathroom door. At least Derpy wouldn’t have to just stare into space. Karyn sat back down at the desk.

The sounds of the game continued to pour from the laptop, punctuated by an occasional grunt from Mike. When one of the grunts seemed to indicate a positive outcome, Karyn took the opportunity to interrupt.

“So, do you want to go out for a walk?” she asked. “It’s such a nice day, and we could hold hands and catch up.”

“Not right now, babe,” he said, not looking at her. “Maybe later.”

“Want to head over to the student union? They’ve always got something going on there.”

“Nah, bunch of losers over there.”

Karyn was starting to get frustrated. “How about the rec room, then? That’s almost always empty, especially this time of day. I bet I can kick your butt at foosball!”

The game made a particularly loud explosion. “Damn it! Just give me a few minutes, will ya, sweetie? I gotta get past this part.”

Karyn stopped pressing. She didn’t want to seem like a nagging girlfriend. She knew that Mike generally liked to hang around the dorm more than going out, but she was keyed up to get some fresh air.

She picked up a plastic grocery bag that had been left lying by the desk. “Oops,” she said. “Forgot to put away the toiletries I bought yesterday.” Mike didn’t say anything, so she ducked back into the bathroom.

The pages of the book were turning on their own. “He won’t leave, Derpy.”

“OK, well, why don’t we leave? He’s obviously quite content to hang out here. Let’s duck out and just take a walk around the campus.”

“That could work. OK, I’ll step out and you follow.”

Karyn stepped out of the bathroom and got her purse and Bluetooth, but from behind the laptop, Mike said, “Are you going out? You mentioned picking up food before. Can you grab me a sandwich?”

“Well, I was planning to be out for a while. You’re not in a hurry, are you?”

“Actually, I am a bit hungry. It shouldn’t take too long, right?”

Karyn sighed. “Fine. I’ll be right back.”

She waited until she felt Derpy’s presence next to her, then walked out of the dorm, Bluetooth in place. At the moment, though, it was unnecessary since no one was around.

“Listen, I know this is none of my business,” said Derpy, “and I’m sure that Mike is a great guy and there are reasons that you love him, but just from what I’ve seen, he’s a little bit of a lump.”

“Oh, Derpy, you don’t have to mince words. We’re girls, and we’re free to run down our men if we want. Yeah, he’s being a stick-in-the-mud, but you’re not seeing him at his best.”

“I guess not.”

“I’ve known him for so long, and he’s always been there for me, you know? There’s just something about him and me that says that we belong together,” said Karyn.

“Well, that’s important.”

“So listen, after I get the food, I’ll try to get away again and then we’ll go hang out in the quad. How about that?”

“Sounds like a plan,” said Derpy. “But I’ll hang outside until you come out.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I’ll just face-watch for a bit. I like doing that at home sometimes.”

They retrieved the food and went back. Karyn walked swiftly to the room and put the sandwich on her desk.

Mike was exactly where she had left him, but while he had put away the laptop, he was now talking on his cell phone. She listened to his half of the conversation.

“Yeah, Rick. I’m over at my girlfriend’s place. Nah, nothing much, just chilling. Hey, are we going to the club on Thursday? Yeah, I know, it’s great. Oh, you know how Deezer is. Wait, was I there for that? OK, what did he do?”

Mike listened in rapt attention as his friend related some anecdote that Karyn couldn’t hear. He motioned toward her, and she looked at him funny, but then he pointed toward the sandwich and gestured that she should throw it to him. One he had unwrapped it, he gave her a look that could have meant, “Thanks,” or, “It’s about time,” or, “Why no pickles?” He bit in and his occasional assenting grunts became muffled.

After about five minutes, Mike burst out laughing, then he swallowed the bite he had in his mouth and said, “That’s great. Well, listen, I should get going, my girlfriend’s back. Yeah, I’ll see you then. Bye.” He clicked the phone shut and said to Karyn, “Hey, welcome back.”

“Thanks. Enjoy the sandwich? You didn’t say exactly what you wanted, so I just got you turkey and cheese. I figured I couldn’t go wrong with that,” she said.

“It was fine. Thanks, babe.”

Karyn opened the door again, and Mike said, “Where are you going? Don’t you want to hang out with me?”

“I do, but you don’t want to do anything.”

“I’m sure we can find things to do, but you’re just running all over the place. Why don’t you relax and come lay by me?”

Karyn finally realized what Mike really wanted. One-track minds, all of them, she thought. “OK, just let me take care of one more thing.”

He waved his hand noncommittally and she went outside. At the front of the dormitory building, she whispered, “Derpy? You there?”

“Yeah, Karyn. Some of the people here are really interesting.”

“I’d love to hear about it, but look, Mike really wants me to go be with him, and I can’t get away. I hate to do this, but—“

“But you want me to go. No, it’s all right. I’m just worried about you with him,” said Derpy.

“I can see why you would be. But, as much as I’d like you around, it’s just too tiring trying to split time between you. I’ll make it up next week, promise.”

“Talk to you later,” said Derpy.

When Karyn re-entered her room, Mike was finally off the bed. He had moved over to her desk and was idly pawing through some of her test results and homework. Karyn wanted to flop on the bed herself, but was afraid of looking too eager.

Still not looking at her, Mike said, “Hey, didn’t you tell me that one of your professors said you had some kind of special talent for IT? Because from what I’m seeing here, you’re not quite knocking anyone’s socks off.”

“It wasn’t quite a professor, but I’m doing well enough. Most of them seem to like me.”

“Yeah, you were always good at brown-nosing.”

He threw the papers back down on the desk in disorder. “Thanks for the sandwich, by the way. What did you have to run out to do?”

“Just see a friend. Girl talk, you know?”

“Which one, the heavyset one or the blonde?”

Karyn frowned. “My friends have names, you know. I take the trouble to learn your friends’ names. The two you mentioned are Molly and Jen, but this was De—someone you don’t know.”

“Sorry, babe.”

He gave her a wink and a smile, and her own expression softened. He always had that ability to make her feel a little bit better than she had before.

Mike fumbled in his pockets and pulled out his cigarettes and lighter. “Could you not do that in here?” Karyn asked. “I have to Febreeze everything after you leave.”

He said nothing, but went over to the window and threw it open wide, directing the smoke toward it. Karyn could still smell the tobacco, and she thought she heard a faint coughing from the next room over.

She kept busy, tidying up after Mike and organizing her own things while he sat and smoked. She shelved a stack of notebooks near to the window. On top was one where she had drawn a picture of Derpy during a boring class.

“Oh, man. Are you still into My Little Ponies?” Mike said. “You know, you’re a college student now. Aren’t you going to grow up sometime?”

“Do you watch the show?” Karyn asked.

“Of course not.”

“Then don’t criticize. It’s more of a grown-up show than you know.”

He said nothing, but finished his cigarette and threw the butt out the window. With Karyn’s back turned, he snuck up behind her and groped her from behind.

Karyn was startled. “Geez, Mike! Let me know if you’re going to do something like that. You could try leading up to it.” But she leaned her head back and let him kiss her.

“Sorry, babe. I figured that you wanted it. It has been a while for us, hasn’t it?”

“Yes, but it’s also broad daylight. So don’t expect me to tear off my clothes just because you’re ready.”

“Whatever. I know you love it.”

Karyn rolled her eyes, but sat on the bed with Mike and made out. She had no objection to making him feel good, but wasn’t prepared to go all the way.

He steadily grew more aggressive, leaning in and kissing Karyn with more intensity, until finally she pushed him away. “Look, Mike, I’m really not going to do this right now, not this time of day, and not just because you show up and ask for it.”

“What is with you?” he said. “Is it your time of the month or something?”

“Oh, of course. Any time a female shows any lack of desire, it has to be because she’s on the rag. Can’t be that she just doesn’t want to do it, or doesn’t find the guy all that attractive at the moment because he’s been nothing but a lump since he got here. Can’t be because he doesn’t do anything romantic but just shows up and expects me to cater to him. Has to be biological.”

“No, I just said that because you’re being so harsh to me.”

“This is harsh? You waltz in here without telling me, make me blow off my friend, and then you’re shocked that I’m not all sweetness and light? Since I am making time for you, you could try some actual conversation or interest in me.”

“Listen, Karyn!” he said, and stuck his finger in her face.

“No, you listen!” The finger was slapped away. Karyn was stunned, because she hadn’t done the slapping, nor had she said anything.

Derpy Hooves appeared between them, flapping her wings and hovering in the air with a scowl on her face.

“What the fuck is that?!” screamed Mike, as he fell backwards off the bed and started scooting toward the wall.

“Don’t use bad language in front of Karyn!” said Derpy as she advanced on Mike.

“How can you come out here and ruin Karyn’s day like that?! You’re supposed to be her boyfriend! You should know how sensitive she is. Don’t you care about her? I’ve had to stand here and watch you all day thinking of nothing but yourself! You don’t do anything, and you don’t say anything until you want something!

“Karyn is a super-nice person, and you should consider yourself lucky that she even looks at you, to say nothing of being your girlfriend! You should appreciate her and pay attention to her, especially when you’re a guest in her room, but instead you lounge around on her bed, make her get you food, smoke when she tells you not to, and then force your affections on her!

“If you pulled that kind of stuff where I come from, you’d never make it to adulthood without being sat down and taught a firm lesson about how to treat others. As it is, you should take a long time to think about what you’ve done!”

Mike finally came to his senses, and he tore out of the room. It finally occurred to Derpy that he had been more shocked at her appearance than at what she was saying. But that only made her angrier. If he thought I was dangerous, she thought, then why didn’t he try to protect Karyn instead of just running? She flew over to the door and slammed it closed.

She turned around to see Karyn with a look on her face that would have killed her, if looks could do that.

“Derpy, what the f—No, I won’t swear like Mike did, but I am very angry with you right now. Don’t you have any respect for privacy?!”

“Karyn, I know I shouldn’t have, but the way he acted toward you, I just couldn’t stand idly by and let it happen.”

“But it was none of your business! I’m free to let him treat me any way I want. Setting aside the fact that revealing yourself to any human is dangerous—“

“He probably won’t tell anyone, and if he does, he won’t be believed.”

“Don’t interrupt!” yelled Karyn. “Did you even consider what that would do to him? If he had a secret that he couldn’t share with anyone? Things like that eat away at a person, you know. But again, put that aside. To show yourself to someone out of anger, just to rant at them? What possessed you to think that was a good idea?”

“I don’t know. I just couldn’t stand to see you hurt.”

“No, Derpy. You couldn’t stand to see something that would have hurt you if it happened to you. That’s what comes of spying and eavesdropping. It didn’t hurt me. I love Mike. I don’t say that you have to, but I do.”

“Why do you love him?” Derpy asked.

Karyn stared daggers at Derpy again. “That’s a question that you don’t have the right to ask.”

Derpy opened her mouth to argue, but then shut it. The weight of what she had done hit her. She didn’t know if it was a difference between ponies and humans, or if it was because she was older than Karyn, or just because it was her nature. But she knew that Karyn was correct, and the best course now was to start minding her own business.

“I’m sorry,” said Derpy. “I was wrong. And I have no way to make it up to you. I’m going to go now, for real. Will I see you again next week?”

Karyn looked toward the door. “I don’t know. I honestly don’t know if I want to see you next week. You really hurt me this time, Derpy. This wasn’t a playful mistake or something that I say you shouldn’t do but don’t mean it. This one cut deep.”

“I understand.” Slowly, Derpy strapped on her bag and got ready to leave. “But if I’m not coming back, there is one loose end I could tie up. If you’re willing.”

“What’s that?”

“You once asked me how I got my cutie mark.”

Next week: "A Very Special Derpisode."

13: A Very Special Derpisode

My dam—that’s my mother—died when she was having me. I’ve heard some ponies say things like, “That’s not your fault,” which I always thought was silly. Of course it’s not my fault. For something to be my fault, I had to have a choice that, if I made it, would have stopped it from happening. But I never chose to be born.

Medicine is better now than it was then. Today, at least in Ponyville or Cloudsdale, there would be a doctor standing there ready to staunch any bleeding by magic, or just by holding a wound closed with his teeth if need be. But we lived on the road between the two towns, where almost nopony else was.

My sire—my father—would have had a hard time taking care of me on his own. He was an able worker, but never planned to have to raise a foal on his own. But he was never cross with me, and I loved him—still love him to this day—very much. And I had my Celestia-father.

I don’t think that Equestrian naming works the same way that it does here on Earth. You keep the same last name as your parents, but we don’t. Well, some families, like the Cakes or the Pies. But those are cool names that they’d want to keep. What usually happens is that when two ponies have a foal, if they have some good friend who agrees to be a mentor to the little one, they give them their last name. That pony is called the Celestia-parent. Sometimes the parents are new in town, or don’t have anyone, and then the pony only has one name. So, for example, when Magnum and his wife had Rarity, they didn’t have anyone to be her Celestia-parent, so she’s just Rarity, but then they found a nice friend named Winter Belle who stood next to them at Sweetie’s naming ceremony.

I don’t know how my father met Doctor Hooves. He never told me. It seemed ridiculous to me that he could have ever not known my father. Certainly long enough to give me my last name. Doctor Hooves wasn’t the kind of pony who ever changed from “not knowing” to “knowing.” He always knew, and you always knew him. Whenever he would come to our house, it was always the same. He would bring me cookies and usually some exotic toy, and then he and my father would go down in our basement, which he called “the hole.”

That was his private area. He had his books and a very plush chair, and it was dark and cozy. He never complained if I went down there. He would usually put his book down and say, “Come on, Derpy, come sit with daddy.” And I would just sit in the chair and bounce on his knee, or he’d hug me. But when Doctor Hooves was there, he’d still let me stay, but I had to play on the ground while they talked.

I could never follow the conversations they had. Looking back now, I think that my father and the Doctor must have had some fancy adventures when they were young, and maybe the Doctor still did. One time, when I was very young, I got annoyed that they wouldn’t tell me about their pasts, but I didn’t confront them. I simply trotted right up in the middle of their conversation and said, “Daddy, I want to sit with you!”

I remember that day because while Doctor Hooves didn’t seem too happy, my father took me on his knee anyway. I tried to pay attention, but I couldn’t understand much, and eventually I fell asleep.

When I woke up, I felt I was alone, so I called out, “Daddy!” He came running in. “Daddy, I fell asleep in the hole! Why didn’t you take me to bed?”

“Derpy,” he said, “You are in bed.”

“No, I’m not. My room has a window but the hole is dark like this.”

I heard fear creep into his voice. “Derpy, it’s not dark. Are you playing a game?”

“What game, Daddy? Turn on the light, please. I don’t like the dark.”

“Derpy, tell me the truth now. Are you really saying that you can’t see anything?”

“No, Daddy. Not a thing.”

I heard him stand up and call out, panicked, “Doctor!”

Doctor Hooves was having breakfast, but he came running. My father had given the kind of scream that makes ponies leave their breakfasts behind. The Doctor wasn’t really equipped to make a full diagnosis, and I got the feeling that he wasn’t actually that kind of doctor anyway. Nopony wanted to say the word “blind,” but eventually that’s what they said I was.

I could hear that my father had his hooves over his face, because his voice was muffled. “Why? First Dancy”—that was my mother—“and now this? What did I do wrong?” I didn’t know whether his question was to Doctor Hooves or to nopony in particular.

I felt him come over and embrace me. “Listen, Derpy. I know you just woke up, but I need you to stay in bed for a while longer. You can’t see, and you might hurt yourself if you walk around and fall or bump into something. I’m going to come by in a few minutes and then I’ll walk with you and keep you safe, but right now I need to talk to Doctor Hooves alone. Promise me you’ll wait?”

“OK, Daddy. I promise.”

They went off and I was alone. I felt odd. I wasn’t scared or depressed. It was more like the feeling that I had let my father down somehow. As I said, I always thought it was silly when somepony would suggest, even by negation, that I was responsible for my mother’s death. But now I felt responsible.

When he came back in, he was finishing a line of conversation. Maybe he didn’t intend me to hear. I know they say that ponies who can’t see can usually hear better. But what he said made me worry.

“Are you sure I can’t go with her?”

“He will be more likely to help if you’re not there. He’s the type. Plead with him, thank him, and he’ll turn you away. But spurn him and he might help.”

Now he came and addressed me again. “Derpy. Come on, you can get up now. You just have to follow my voice.”

I got up and walked to him. My room was mostly empty, so I didn’t trip on anything. I stood next to him and he put a wing over my back.

“Derpy, we don’t know what happened to you, why you went blind. We don’t know if we can fix it. But Doctor Hooves says that there’s a pony out there, a unicorn, who’s been known to pull off some miracles in the past. He wants you to go with him and see this pony. It might be the only chance for you to ever see again.”

I recalled what I had heard. “And you can’t come with me, Daddy?”

“I can’t. And I don’t know if I can write you either, but you’ll write me. If it works.”
My father packed my things and I left on Doctor Hooves’s cart, which was surprisingly roomy. I was still more worried about Daddy than myself, but going off alone with my Celestia-father was an exciting adventure. I just wished that I could see.

“Doctor?” I said.

“Yes, Derpy.”

“The pony you’re taking me to, what’s his name?”

“His name is Prat.”

I laughed. “That’s a funny name!”

“It probably is, and he’s not the type of pony who enjoys laughing, so it’s best if you don’t call him that. ‘Sir’ is probably the safest thing to use. But don’t speak at all unless he speaks to you.”

I couldn’t tell how far we were going or in what direction. The only thing I got the impression of is that we were ascending. A pegasus pony has to have an instinct for altitude, but I was still young. I had barely learned to fly yet, and it occurred to me that if the cure failed and I stayed blind, I might never get any more practice.

Eventually the cart stopped. “Now, remember. Don’t say anything. He doesn’t like me, and he’ll probably be gruff with me, but he owes me enough favors that I should be able to convince him to look at you.

I heard a knock on a door. The door opened, and then a voice said, “You!”

The voice made me jump a little. It was not a happy voice. It was a voice that would go better with an angry rant than, for example, telling a pony good night. It was metallic, it creaked, and it grated on your soul. I remember it because I couldn’t see who it belonged to.

“Hello, Prat.”

“You’ve got a lot of nerve, coming around here after the way you left me last time.”

“I left you alive, which I didn’t have to do.”

“You also didn’t have to leave with yourself alive,” Prat said, “so I think we should call that even.”

“I’m not sure that’s entirely equitable, but we’ll put that aside.”

“Good. What’s with the blind pegasus?”

“She’s why I came. She’s the filly of a friend of mine, and I’m hoping you can cure her. She just woke up yesterday morning and couldn’t see.”

“Not interested.”

“But, Prat,” Doctor Hooves said.

“Probably psychological. Her father beat her regularly?”

“No!” I screamed, forgetting the injunction laid on me not to speak.

“Hmm. . . awfully defensive,” the horrid voice said. “You love your father?”

“Very much so,” I said.

There was a long silence. “All right, Doctor, you leave her with me and I’ll work on her.”

“I should stay to take care of her,” Doctor Hooves said. “You don’t want the burden of having to feed and wash her.”

“I said you leave her with me and I’ll work on her. Or take her away. But the key factor is you leaving.”

What happened next I can’t fully describe. I’m a pegasus and Doctor Hooves is an Earth pony. Neither one of us have any magic, and certainly no telepathy. Maybe it was just in the movement of his body and his voice that I picked up. But I knew he was thinking a message to me: be careful.

What he said was, “All right. I hope you can help. Derpy, you be good and do what you’re told.”

He trotted off, and I was left alone with the unicorn.

“Well?” he said. “Get in the house!”

“I’m sorry, sir. Where is the house?”

“Right in front of you, of course.”

I didn’t know if he was being deliberately mean or if he had managed to forget that I couldn’t see. I trotted forward gingerly. By sheer luck I managed to make it through the door, but I tripped over something as soon as I got in. I think it was an umbrella stand.

“Clumsy oaf!” he said. “Pick it up!”

I did my best to find the stand and set it upright with my mouth. I was wondering what my father and Doctor Hooves had gotten me into. The unicorn was completely unpredictable, and I was afraid that he would take it into his head to beat me for no reason or forget to feed me or anything.

For a long time I heard him fussing about and tinkering. I don’t know how unicorn magic works, especially when one combines it with herbalism like Zecora practices. All I know is that for a few hours I stood there, bored, afraid, and depressed, until out of nowhere he returned and said, “Drink!”

I stuck my neck out and felt a cup being shoved between my lips. I grabbed a hold of it and tipped it back. A nasty taste came into my mouth, sort of like grass that has gone bad. He ripped the cup away and left again.

For maybe twenty minutes I was alone again with my thoughts and fears. Then the darkness started to dissipate. It was like there was a black cloth over my eyes, and somepony was pulling a loosed thread until the whole thing unwove. I could see.

“Sir! Mr. Prat! You did it! It worked!”

He came trotting in, and for the first time I saw him. He was gorgeous.

From his voice I had anticipated him being wizened and twisted. Instead he had a charming look about him from his smooth mustache to his slicked-back mane. His eyes were like dreamy pools of black water that a pony could drown in.

But then he spoke, and that voice brought me back to reality. “Worked? You say that worked? Stupid filly, look at yourself in the mirror!”

I turned around a few times until I saw a mirror on the wall. I looked at myself, and of course you know what I saw. My eyes were permanently crossed. Of course, I knew my sight was different, but I was just happy to not be completely blind.

He stuck his hoof on the back of my neck and pushed my head forward. “Look! You can’t see like normal ponies, which means that I’m going to keep working on you. But since you’re at least functional now, make yourself useful and clean this place.”

That was the first order he gave me. I was so happy to be able to get around that I happily helped out. I wasn’t a good housekeeper, but I was eager and grateful and did my best. For the rest of the day he locked himself in a room, so I just kept scrubbing the same things over and over. He didn’t feed me or tell me where I could sleep, but you know that I can sleep anywhere, so when the sun went down I curled up in a corner.

The next thing I knew he was shaking me awake. “Get up, you lazy filly!” he said. “The sun has begun rising. You should have breakfast on the table by now!” I hadn’t realized that I was expected to do that. I went into the kitchen. I was even worse as a cook than I was as a cleaner, but I could make cereal. I called out, “It’s ready!” and tried to smile. I thought that if I could be pleasant, I might make him a little less grumpy.

He came in and ate quickly. All he said was, “There should have been coffee with this. Get it right next time.”

He got up and went back into the living room. As I started to clear off the dishes, I heard him say, “Well? Are you going to keep me waiting? Get in here!”

I went to see what he wanted. He gave me a series of eye tests, having me cover one eye and try to identify things, then cover the other and do the same. He grunted and scowled during all the tests.

“You’re a hard case,” he said when it was all done. He made it sound as if it were my fault. “Let’s try this. I’m sure it won’t work.” He cast a spell with his horn and I felt my eyes affected by the magic. When he finished, I looked at the mirror again. All that happened was that my eyes were crossed the other way.

“Hmph,” he said. He went to a drawer and pulled out a card. He drew two spots on it a few inches apart.

“Close your right eye,” he told me, and he held the card up to my left eye. “I’m going to pull this away. Keep looking forward. Tell me if you can see both spots on the card at all times.”

He did, and a few moments later, I said, “The far spot is gone!”

He gave another grunt. “Come here and look at the light,” he said. He picked up a lamp and removed the shade. The brightness in the dark room stunned me a little. Then he covered it up. “Can you still see light?”

“Yes, it’s fading now.”

“After-images. Blind spots. You’ve got a lot more that has to be fixed.”

I wanted desperately to ask if I could be returned to my father, but I was afraid of what he might say or do. I decided to try a smaller approach. “May I write my father and tell him of my progress?”

“Do it quickly! We’re leaving tomorrow for the South. The air down there is better for your eyes.”

He left again and I found pen and paper. I wasn’t good at writing, and I’m sure I had a lot of spelling mistakes, but I managed to convey that I had partial sight back. I told him that we had to go away but that I hoped to see him soon.

I asked Mr. Prat to mail the letter, and he grabbed it with his teeth. The next morning we were packed.

I don’t want to describe what happened over the next year. Every day he had me do all the chores while he worked on potential cures to restore my perfect eyesight. To this day I don’t know if he actually knew that he was giving me bogus advice and just wanted a servant filly, or if he was a mad genius who really thought he could fix every imperfection of the equine eye.

He controlled me through perfect balance of carrot and stick. Sometimes literally, since we ate a lot of carrots. His face helped him a lot as well. It was as if he had grown specifically to charm, to disarm, and then to harm. He made me do things. . . well, as I said, I don’t want to describe it.

I wrote many letters to my father, but I never got one in return. I so wished I could hear from him, but I never did. One time I got up the nerve to ask Mr. Prat if I couldn’t go home just to make sure he was all right. He flew into a rage, and then the stick became literal as well.

The end of the story is one of those pieces of good fortune that favors foolish fillies like me. He made me do his marketing as part of my chores, and I was out one day at this task, when who should I come across but Doctor Hooves. He ran up to me.

“Derpy!” he said. “We’ve been searching everywhere for you! Your father and I!”

“But I’ve written him to let him know where I was.”

“He hasn’t received a letter from you since you left.”

“What? But I’ve sent so many!”

The Doctor got a thoughtful look on his face. “Did you yourself send them?”

“Well, no. Mr. Prat did.”

“Mmhm. More likely he destroyed them.”

“Oh, no! He’s so helpful! He keeps working on my eyes,” I said, which shows just how much in his power I was, defending the unicorn after finding out that he’d been deceiving me.

“Working on your eyes? You’re not blind anymore, anypony can see that.”

“But there’s still so much wrong with my sight! I’m cross-eyed, and I see bubbles in front of me that aren’t really there.”

He put his hooves on my shoulders and looked right at me. “Derpy, listen to me. Everypony has those. They’re called floaters.”

Understand this: for the year that I was a prisoner, my door was never locked, my window was never barred. I was a prisoner in my own mind, and Prat kept me there the best way he could. He made me feel that I was abnormal.

All his eye tests and experiments added up to that one statement. I wasn’t normal, and the only way to become that way was to stay with Prat and do what he said. When Doctor Hooves told me that everypony had a problem that I did, I saw through his veil of lies. I made a choice that I would never again feel fear of not being normal. I would be weird all my life, and nopony could stop me. Whenever I felt that way, I would always remember that everypony saw bubbles in front of their eyes.

My flank burst into light and sealed that choice as my destiny.

My emotions overflowed. Tears for the lost year and for my father. Joy for the path I’d chosen. Gratitude to the Doctor for being the one to help me. And anger at that unicorn. Right in the middle of the market, I hugged Doctor Hooves and cried. Everypony was staring, but I didn’t care.

I told him all about what had happened, and he got angry. He said that he was going to confront Prat. I started to go with him.

“No, Derpy. A pony like that might still be able to control you, even if you realize what he’s done. You may have mental scars that will last your whole life, and you shouldn’t see him for a long time.”

“Then I’ll start home! I want to go see Daddy.” I took off and hovered next to Doctor Hooves.

“Can you really fly all the way back home? You’re only a young pegasus, you know. You had better wait here, and I’ll take you back with me.”

“Doctor, I’m not going to wait a second to start back. My father misses me. Can I make it? Flying is what free pegasus ponies do. And that’s what I am now.”

Well, of course I couldn’t make it all on my own, but I tried, and that was important. After a few hours flying north, my wings got tired and I took a rest. Doctor Hooves came by with his cart and we went home.

I can’t describe what my father felt when I knocked on our door. The year without me had damaged his health. He was frail and weak, and I had to catch him as he fainted.

“I must be dead,” he said. “I finally died and I can see my Derpy again now. Derpy, I’m sorry you died. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.”

“Daddy, no. We’re not dead. I’m back, Daddy. I’m back and I’m going to stay with you now.”

I held his head in my hooves as he sobbed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Anyway, that’s my cutie mark story,” said Derpy to Karyn. “And now you know everything. I suppose there could be a lesson there about not having to pay back a debt forever just because somepony does something good for you, or maybe about following your own path, but it might just be a sad story. So long, Karyn. Again, I’m sorry for what happened with Mike. I’ll be going now.”

Karyn looked at Derpy with tears in her eyes. She found a tissue and blew her nose. She took a deep breath.

“Derpy?”

“Yes?”

“I’ll see you next Sunday, OK?”

Derpy nodded and smiled, then she vanished.

Author's Notes:

And I'll see you next Wednesday! Here's what you'll read then:

Derpy trotted to the window and opened it. “Sometimes it goes that way, doesn’t it? You plan something, then it keeps getting pushed back, canceled, and rescheduled, and then you get ornery and you want to force it to happen.”

“I find that when you do, it’s never as fun as you anticipate,” said Karyn.

“Maybe not, but we’ll do our best today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Look at the grass!” she said. “You guys must really eat well.”

“No, Derpy.”

“Oh, that’s right, I forgot. I just looked at the lawns and got awfully hungry.”

“You probably don’t want to eat that grass,” said Karyn. “They put a lot of chemicals and weird stuff on it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Derpy, think of a good excuse I can use!”

“Don’t panic, Karyn. I think I can buy us some time.” The front door opened.

“No, don’t try anything! Just get away!”

See you next week!

14: Air Derpy

Karyn took a knick-knack off the shelf and wrapped it in newspaper, then slipped it into the plastic box. She had gotten up at daybreak to make sure that she was finished before Derpy arrived, but still was having trouble keeping to a schedule. As she moved past a wall shelf with books on it, she got distracted by one of the titles. She was still reading when Derpy warped into the room.

“Karyn!” she said, “Are you ready?”

“Ready?”

“Yes. My spell hasn’t broken. It’s not raining. You’re here alone. You don’t hate me. There’s nothing to stop us this time. I’m getting my fly-over of the city today, no question.”

“Oh. Yeah, let’s do that right away. It does seem like it’s a cursed project.”

Derpy trotted to the window and opened it. “Sometimes it goes that way, doesn’t it? You plan something, then it keeps getting pushed back, canceled, and rescheduled, and then you get ornery and you want to force it to happen.”

“I find that when you do, it’s never as fun as you anticipate,” said Karyn.

“Maybe not, but we’ll do our best today. Now, mount up. I’ve got some new spells to show off.”

Karyn got on Derpy’s back. She still felt awkward being on top of her friend, but she was getting used to it. Derpy never seemed to mind. “OK, first off, I had Twilight craft a double invisibility spell for us, so no worries about being spotted.”

“So, I finally get to be invisible? Sweet!”

Derpy switched on a spell. “There we go.”

“Derpy! I can’t see! I need the light to actually hit my retinas instead of passing through, or I’m blind!”

“What?! Hang on, I’ll turn it off.”

Karyn laughed. “Nah, I was just fooling with you.”

“Mean joke!” Derpy said, but she had a smile in her voice.

“I had to do it. It’s one of those ideas that pedantic humans have about magic. I don’t know why I can see when light passes through me, but the magic takes care of that, I guess.”

“Of course it does. Twilight can probably explain it to you. Anyway, since you’re pranking me, what’s good for the mare is good for the stallion. I’m not telling you what this next one does.” Derpy activated another spell. “Ready to go?”

“Ready!”

The window was a tight squeeze for Derpy with Karyn on her back, but she got through and took off. They rose high over Karyn’s dormitory. People were walking around all over the campus, but none of them looked up. Karyn felt a small thrill of voyeurism.

“OK, which way should we go first?” asked Derpy.

“Hmm. Let’s go toward the park. That’s the part you know. It’s that way.”

Derpy started a lazy flight in the direction Karyn had indicated. Karyn herself was thinking about which route she should have them take and what landmarks to show. All of a sudden, she felt herself lose her balance.

“Uh-oh! Air pocket!” cried Derpy, and she rolled to her side. Karyn was too panicked to grab on, but she didn’t fall. Derpy laughed. “Gotcha! That second spell was a safety that keeps you stuck to me until we turn it off. You can’t fall unless I do, and I can’t fall.”

Derpy righted herself, and Karyn put a hand to her chest. “Not cool,” she said.

“Sorry. OK, you’re the tour guide. Which way am I flying?”

“Head south. I’ll show you the major roads we use to get around, and how the spur roads connect. It should be interesting for you to see how it is when you can’t go directly to your destination.”

Derpy swung around and flew as she was told. Karyn started to point out landmarks and routes that she would take to get to her classes or other events. But then she drifted off and was silent.

“Hey, what’s going on?” asked Derpy. “Equestria to Karyn, come in!”

“Oh, sorry, Derpy. It’s just that flying up here, I never realized how many undeveloped areas there are around here. Look at all the trees.”

“It looks pretty developed to me. Flying over Ponyville, you’d see much more uncleared country, although you might get fooled because of the grass roofs.”

“True,” said Karyn, “but when you’re on the ground, at least here, you don’t see it. You drive from one road to the other and you get fooled by the distance, not realizing that there might be a whole ecosystem between the two. Trees that have been there for hundreds of years before the roads came, and animals that have no idea of what’s going on around them. I’m not saying that humans haven’t done more than their share of damage to the Earth, but there’s a lot of it left.”

“Maybe more humans should see it from the air.”

“Yeah, that would work. Derpy Hooves’s Invisible Flying Tours. A new outlook on life, plus lunch, all for only twenty bucks.” Karyn laughed at her joke.

A minute later, a clock chimed out the hour. “You’ve got clock towers here?” asked Derpy. “I suppose it’s been ringing every time I’ve been here, but I haven’t paid attention because I’m so used to the sound.”

“Sure, we do. It’s over there. Oh, wait. You can’t see where I’m pointing. It’s at eight o’clock.”

“No, it just chimed nine.”

“Yes, but I mean, fly at eight o’clock,” said Karyn.

“I don’t have a time travel spell. Did you mean eight tonight?”

“No! You don’t have that method? OK, twelve o’clock is straight ahead, six is behind—you know what, just make a left turn and you’ll see it.”

Derpy banked left and pumped her wings, then came to a landing on the clock tower. “This is nice,” she said. “You can see most of your school from here, and some of the trees as well. You don’t need flying tours, as much fun as it is. People can just come up here and see.”

“Yeah, they don’t let you come up here either. Very few buildings will allow you on the roof, and with the clock, there’s a lot of sensitive and dangerous equipment.”

“So what?”

Karyn sighed. “People aren’t as trusting as ponies. Probably with good reason. They’re also not as smart. If people were allowed up here, someone would probably break the clock just for fun, or someone would fall off and get hurt, and then the college would have to pay them money.”

“That doesn’t seem right. Look at what’s being missed.”

Karyn looked around. The sun was shining off the tops of trees, off the tops of buildings, off the sunglasses and phones of people walking below. “You’re right,” she said.

“What’s going on over there?” Derpy asked.

“Where?”

“At, um, June twenty-fifth.”

“Huh?”

“I figured if there was a clock system, there might be a calendar system as well. Hang on.” Derpy flew over the quad where there was a bunch of people in long robes.

“Ah, I see what you’re talking about. They’re rehearsing for graduation next week.”

“You’ll have to tell me about that.”

“Actually, I’ll have to tell you more than that. But let’s watch a moment.”

Derpy and Karyn watched as the students got themselves into formation and were told what would happen at the event. Derpy admired the long robes, and she thought they looked somewhat like simple pony dresses. Karyn was more concerned with how hot it was. She had worn a robe like that a year prior, and remembered the discomfort.

When the rehearsal broke up, Karyn said, “So, that’s where I’m hoping to be in three years. But after next week, it’s summer vacation, which means we have to find a new place to meet up. Like, where I live.”

“Haven’t I been coming to where you live?”

“No. Well, yes, but not my primary address. Even though I live here more than there. Look, the point is that I’m going to be somewhere else for the next three months.”

“Why didn’t you just say so?” said Derpy. “Show me where!”

“OK. Let’s find a map or something.”

“No, no. Just give me a direction.”

“You want to go now? But I don’t have to be there for a week,” said Karyn.

“But I need to know where it is now. Come on, I want a chance to stretch my wings out as well, and you should see more from the air. Is it this way?” Derpy started flying in a random direction.

Karyn resigned herself. “Not quite. Bear right along that road. I’m not sure I can figure out how to go there straight. I’ve only come by car.”
Derpy flew to Karyn’s direction. She was a little irked that Karyn constantly told her to change course, but then she started to get into it. It was a little like doing her mail route back at home. As they flew, Karyn told her more about the ceremony they had seen.

“The way we do it when we’re finished from school is to dress up in those fancy robes and get a diploma that says that you graduated. They call it a commencement because you’re supposed to be starting your career or something. What do you do when somepony graduates?”

“We’re not nearly so formal,” said Derpy. “We just throw the pony a party. A few more years and I’ll have one for Dinky.”

“We do that too, but only after the ceremony.”

They flew over the road, and Karyn started to gain a sense of direction. The tall buildings thinned out, and there were more strip malls and parking lots. She guided Derpy in a straight line, and then even the malls were gone. There were only houses, but they were nothing like what Derpy knew in Ponyville. Derpy was fascinated by the pitched roofs and the overall shapes.

“Look at the grass!” she said. “You guys must really eat well.”

“No, Derpy.”

“Oh, that’s right, I forgot. I just looked at the lawns and got awfully hungry.”

“You probably don’t want to eat that grass,” said Karyn. “They put a lot of chemicals and weird stuff on it. Anyway, head toward that yellow one over there.”

“How do you make a yellow house, anyway?”

Karyn thought for a second. “I guess it’s something in the aluminum siding. They probably dye it with chemicals.”

“The same ones they use on the grass?”

“Not quite. The chemical industry is mysterious and not something that people pay attention to.”

Derpy lit onto the roof of Karyn’s house and looked around. The neighborhood was a good one. The streets were clean and children were playing hockey in the streets. At the end of the road, there was a cul-de-sac with some really fancy, three-story houses. Karyn’s only had two, but Derpy thought it compared well to her own.

“Karyn, what do your parents do?”

“Mom’s a teacher, like Cheerilee. Dad’s job is more complicated. I don’t think they have pension fund managers in Equestria.”

“No, I don’t know what that is. OK, I need to go straight up as high as I can go to get my bearings and make sure I can get back here next time. Do you want to come with?”

Karyn looked around. “Can you let me off? I’m better with flying, but I still don’t really like it.”

“Not a problem at all. Let me find the stick spell and undo it.”

Karyn was free and invisible on top of her roof. It was a new experience for her, and while Derpy soared to the sky, she sat on the edge and watched the suburbanites enjoying their Sunday.

Derpy kept herself level and flapped her way up. This was more difficult that flying forward, but it was important for orienteering. Most pegasi didn’t have to do this often, but they all learned how in school. Once she was at her maximum height, she could get directions in her head. She closed her eyes so that they didn’t interfere and took the mental picture. Now, if she were anywhere in the cone of which she was the apex, she could find Karyn’s house.

She dove straight down in free fall. When she was just above the roof, she leveled out and found herself a few houses down, so she made her way back to Karyn and made herself known.

“Derpy, I think my parents are out of the house. Do you want to take a tour?”

“Sure! I like being a tourist.”

“I’m not sure this qualifies. But my upstairs window is open. Let’s go in and get visible.”

They flew in the window, which was an even tighter squeeze than at the dorm. Derpy looked over Karyn’s room. It was much more feminine than her room at college. She had a four-post bed made of beautiful white wood, with a pale lavender cover and pillows with frilly edges.

“This is so nice!” said Derpy. “But before we go on. . . “

“Yes?”

“Can we get something to eat? I’m hungry after so much flying.”

“Oh, of course! I’m sorry, you always have to carry me.”

They went down to the kitchen. Karyn opened the fridge.

“I guess anything oat-based is out of the question,” said Derpy.

“Um. . . we might have toasted oat cereal. Let me look in the pantry. My folks aren’t vegetarians, so don’t eat anything without checking the ingredients. Here we go. I guess you can’t use a spoon, but you’re clean enough.”

Karyn poured out two bowls of cereal and added sugar to hers. Derpy cautiously put her head down and munched.

“It’s not bad,” she said.

“You want a glass of water?” asked Karyn.

“Sure.”

Karyn got two glasses and filled them from the tap. She put Derpy’s down next to her and was about to put her own on the table, when she heard the sound of a car door slamming shut.

“Oh, no! It’s my parents!” Karyn said, and as she looked up, the glass tipped. She reached for it, but it fell the rest of the way and spilled on the table and started dripping on the floor. “We are so dead. Derpy, get away or invisible! How am I going to explain why I’m not at school? And why I have two bowls out. Wait, I can hide one. Derpy, think of a good excuse I can use!”

“Don’t panic, Karyn. I think I can buy us some time.” The front door opened.

“No, don’t try anything! Just get away!”

Derpy was rooting through her saddlebag while Karyn desperately tore off paper towels from a roll and started to blot up the water. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Derpy heading toward the front door. “Not that way!”

Derpy ignored Karyn and charged into the foyer with one of her spells in her hooves. Karyn dropped the paper towels and ran after her. She saw her parents carrying grocery bags into the house. Derpy turned her hoof in the spell.

Karyn winced as she prepared for the worst. In a moment, her parents would see her and Derpy. They would freak out just as Mike had. She tried to think quickly. Maybe she could pretend that Derpy was some kind of rampaging animal who had broken in to the house and stole the cereal. No, she thought, that still doesn’t explain why I’m here, unless the problems cancel out and they forget to ask me that while they’re panicked. I couldn’t be so lucky.

But when she looked again, her parents weren’t panicking. They weren’t doing much of anything at all. “Derpy, what did you do?”

“Time-freezing spell. Locks any humans in the area so that I have the time to take care of any problems.”

“And they can’t see or hear us now?”

“Nope. We’re safe. Unless of course someone else shows up.”

Karyn ran to the front door, slammed it shut, and turned the deadbolt. She turned back to Derpy. “Wait, if it freezes all humans in the area, why didn’t it affect me?”

Derpy looked at her bag. “It took me about ten minutes to find the spot cancellation spell. You sure are funny-looking when you’re stuck with a panicked look on your face!”

“Between you messing with me and going to Equestria every other week, it’s a wonder that I don’t have to keep resetting my clocks all the time. Come on, let’s go clean up the kitchen.”

No longer being rushed, they took their time and wiped up the spilled water. Then Karyn washed the dishes in the sink while Derpy dried.

“What should we do with all these paper towels?” Derpy asked.

“I’ll take them to the outside trash bins. It’s very important, when faking a scene, to take care of little details like that.”

If Derpy had worn glasses, she would have looked over the top of them at Karyn. “Have you faked a lot of scenes?”

“I wasn’t always a goody two-shoes,” she said. “I’ve snuck a few cookies when I wasn’t looking or watched television when I wasn’t supposed to.”

“I guess that’s not so bad. You’re not actually committing crimes.”

“No, but I’ve gotten caught plenty of times. I wasn’t thinking today. I should have figured that they’d be home sooner or later. You really saved me.”

“I guess I know what you mean,” Derpy said. “I’ve caught Dinky in mischief once or twice, but I never knew how many times she got away with something. Of course, if I found out that she used a time-freeze spell on me, I’d probably be pretty mad. Well, I’m never mad at her, just disappointed.”

“That’s not very reassuring. Let’s get this done quick.”

They finished their cleanup and went upstairs. Preparing to leave, Derpy re-activated the invisibility and safety-glue spells. “Ready to re-start time?” she asked.

“That’s not a question I ever thought I’d have to answer. Go ahead.”

They heard the sound of Karyn’s parents below putting away the groceries. When there was no indication that they’d been discovered, they took off through the window.

“All right, don’t guide me now,” said Derpy. “Let me see if I can make it back to your school on my own. If I can do that, I can find you next week.”

Derpy hovered and closed her eyes, picturing the map in her head. She picked what she believed was the right direction and gained speed. “You’ve got it right,” Karyn said.

Daylight was waning by the time they reached the college, and Derpy sped up even more to make sure they weren’t caught in the air where they couldn’t see.

The night was misty and cool. They landed on the roof of the dorm, and Karyn dismounted.

“Well,” she said, “I don’t know how much fun we had today, but at least we can get together next—“

She was cut off by a bright flash and loud noise. Derpy went wide-eyed and smiled. “Ooh, fireworks!” she said.

Karyn turned around. She saw the fading sparkles of the firecracker that had been set off. “It’s early for the Fourth. They must be setting them off for the end of term. Pretty, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. What’s the fourth?” Derpy asked, not looking at Karyn, still staring at the sky.

“Just a human holiday. Not even all humans, just the ones in this country.”

“That’s like at home. You almost never see fireworks outside of Canterlot.”

They sat on the roof and watched the show. A multicolored starburst dotted the sky.

“Rainbow Dash wouldn’t like them infringing on her trademark, would she?” asked Karyn.

“She’d probably say that she could do it better.”

The fireworks continued on. Karyn liked the ones that left a trail as they ascended, and then rained down silver tears of starlight. Derpy preferred the perfectly spherical blues and yellows, and said they reminded her of blowing dandelion puffs into the wind.

“It’s really beautiful,” Karyn said, “and all the more so for what it represents. All those people who are finished with school forever. It makes me eager. But at the same time, these past weeks have been something special for me. I’m awfully glad to have met you, Derpy.”

“Me too. I mean, glad to have met you, not glad to have met me. I knew me already. I just think it’s funny.”

“What is?”

“That you run your school according to the seasons. It’s a time of change back in Equestria as well. Spring is over. The Summer Sun Celebration is coming up. Things start to relax until autumn, when everything kicks back up for harvest season. Of course, as a mail pony, my days are mostly the same all year round, but I see it in the faces of the ponies I know, watch them grow like the flowers in the fields.

“You’ve got a bit of that look about you as well.”

“A lot of pony has been rubbing off on me, I guess,” Karyn said. “Pretty soon I’ll start grazing on the lawn.”

“But you said they had chemicals and things.”

“I was just joking.”

They leaned back and watched more of the firework show. Karyn felt like she could fall asleep on the roof. Everything was perfect. She looked over at Derpy, whose gaze was still pointed at the sky. It had indeed been a heck of a semester. And the summer was yet to come.

Author's Notes:

Here's what's to come in next week's chapter:

“I guess, but there’s still the problem of—“

“No buts,” Karyn said. “No problems. Magic. Now.”

“All right, if you say so.”

Karyn practically flew off the bed and onto Derpy’s back. As they were about to leave, Karyn’s mother called up from downstairs, “Are you coming?!”

“In a minute, Mom!” she called, then said under her breath, “A minute, several hours, and the length of two universes from now. Go, Derpy!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Karyn looked at him and said to Derpy, “I know that guy! He’s Silver Spoon’s father!”

“Diamond Tiara’s,” Derpy said.

“Right, what’s his name? Lotta Money or something?”

“Filthy Rich.”

“That’s it!” said Karyn. “He owns the Pony Mart.”

“Barnyard Bargains.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“We’ll get out of your way,” said Derpy. “There’s no reason for us to stick around.”

“No, please, do stay,” said Twilight. “I’d like you to at least see the end of the game.”

“We might as well,” said Karyn. “There’s not a whole lot else to do now.”

Be sure to read it!

15: Texas Derp'Em

Derpy took the precaution of turning invisible before travelling to Earth, as she knew that Karyn wouldn’t be in her dorm room that Sunday. She made a mental note to talk to one of the unicorns about changing the destination of the spell, but didn’t give it top priority, since she’d be back in a few months anyway. The window was left open and she took off in the direction she’d memorized.

When she arrived at Karyn’s house, the room there was just as empty, but Derpy could hear voices downstairs and concluded that she was with her parents. Derpy sat and twiddled her hooves for a few minutes, then Karyn came up.

Derpy concluded that they would have to set up some protocol to deal with the fact that Karyn wasn’t living alone anymore, but in the interim she’d make do. Once she was sure they were alone, she appeared before Karyn.

“Hey, K. What’s going on?” she said.

“Ugh,” said Karyn. “Am I glad to see you. The folks are driving me bonkers.”

“How?”

“They’re going on this day trip on a boat and they’re guilt-tripping me into coming.”

“Is it a day trip or a guilt trip?” Derpy asked.

“It’s one or the other for me.”

“Why don’t you want to go? A boat sounds like fun. It’s been a long time since I’ve been on the water.”

Karyn grabbed a bottle of sunscreen and threw it into her purse. “Because it’s not that kind of a boat trip. Heck, I probably don’t even need this sunblock. All they do is sail three miles out until they’re in international waters, then everyone plays slot machines all day. Boring as all get out, and the noise is just awful. Not to mention that it’s costing me time I could be spending with you.”

Derpy smiled and nodded. “I didn’t get most of that, but it will be too bad if we don’t get to spend the day together. Is it going to be like this every week?”

“I’m hoping not. I’m nineteen years old, my parents have got to allow me some independence. I’ll just start making plans ahead of time so I’m not stuck with them.”

“But we’re still out today.”

Karyn sighed and collapsed backward onto the bed. “Yeah.”

A moment later, Derpy said, “What was that noise?”

“What noise?”

“There, that noise.”

Karyn picked her head up. “Oh, that’s just the train. The crossing is about three miles away. You’ll hear it every hour.”

“You didn’t hear it?” asked Derpy.

“I heard it, I just didn’t notice it. I’ve lived around it so long. To tell the truth, when I went off to school, I slept worse because I kept noticing the silence.”

“It’s a much different whistle from Equestrian trains.”

Karyn flopped back down. “Yeah, I’ll bet. We said we were going to take a trip on one, didn’t we. That’s what I wish I were doing today. Forget the boat and the water. A long train trip through Equestria is just what I need!”

“Well, that might be a bit complicated.”

“Never you mind. Let’s go right now! Come on, whip out the spell and let’s blow this universe!”

Derpy was taken aback. Karyn had never suggested going to Equestria herself. Derpy assumed that, in her despair, she had forgotten that it would not be an escape. “You do remember that it won’t get you out of the boat trip, right? We’re going to come back right at the same time,” she said.

“Of course I know that. No, I wouldn’t leave my parents wondering where I was all day. I’m not a sadist. But if I’ve just spent a day of fun and sightseeing in Equestria, I know that I’ll be able to go placidly amidst the noise and haste and endure through the whole thing.”

“I guess, but there’s still the problem of—“

“No buts,” Karyn said. “No problems. Magic. Now.”

“All right, if you say so.”

Karyn practically flew off the bed and onto Derpy’s back. As they were about to leave, Karyn’s mother called up from downstairs, “Are you coming?!”

“In a minute, Mom!” she called, then said under her breath, “A minute, several hours, and the length of two universes from now. Go, Derpy!”

Hesitantly, Derpy activated the spell. Karyn was not even fazed as she usually was by the jump from ground to air. “Awesome! Now, take us down and toward the station!”

“OK, but there’s still the hitch—“

“Nothing to worry about, I’m sure.”

She must really want to get away from her parents. thought Derpy. She landed and let Karyn walk with her to the edge of town. When they reached the station, Karyn quickened her pace and marched right up to the window. “OK, Derpy. Get us two tickets to nowhere!”

Derpy pointed at the board.

“Yeah, so?” asked Karyn.

“You see how much they cost?”

“Is that a lot?”

Derpy sighed. “Yeah, Karyn. That’s a lot. A lot more than I’ve got on me, or can reasonably afford!”

“How come tickets are so much? I see ponies taking the train all the time!”

“That’s how. Tourist tickets like the ones we want cost a lot more than the ones for ponies who need to get somewhere. Let’s say you’ve really got to get to Canterlot because somepony you know is sick. You don’t want to have to pay the full fare when you’re going to need all your bits to take care of the friend when you get there. But everypony loves to ride the trains just for the fun of it, so the train makes enough.”

Karyn looked skeptical. “Don’t ponies take advantage of that?”

“No. Would you lie about having to do something urgent just to get a ticket at a lower price, miss out on all the amenities, and then not enjoy yourself because you’re feeling guilty?”

“I see your point.”

Derpy could see the disappointment in Karyn’s face, and she started trotting toward her house. She didn’t really want to disappoint her, but neither could she break her bank just for a fun outing. She would just have to make it up by having some inexpensive fun at home.

As if to mock them, just then a train whistle was heard in the distance. The express pulled into the station, and Karyn watched as all the ponies descended to the platform. Derpy wanted to drag her away rather than have her see it, but Karyn seemed fixed.

Near the back of the train was an elegant private car, from which an amber pony with moneybags for a cutie mark emerged. Karyn looked at him and said to Derpy, “I know that guy! He’s Silver Spoon’s father!”

“Diamond Tiara’s,” Derpy said.

“Right, what’s his name? Lotta Money or something?”

“Filthy Rich.”

“That’s it!” said Karyn. “He owns the Pony Mart.”

“Barnyard Bargains.”

“Yeah, you got it. I bet he never has trouble paying for the train.”

Derpy put a hoof on her shoulder. “Don’t beat yourself up over it, Karyn. Yeah, we’d all like to be wealthy, but unless you’re the type who likes to work their tail off all day and all night for a long time to get it, it’s not going to happen.

Karyn finally turned away from the station. “Yeah, it’s just not in the cards.”

“Not in the what, now?”

“The cards. You know, it’s an expression,” Karyn said.

Derpy looked confused. “I know index cards and place cards and greeting cards.”

“I’m talking about playing cards.”

“How do you play with cards?”

Karyn stopped in her tracks. The first parts of a plan were forming in her head. “Are you saying that you don’t have card games here in Equestria?”

“Not that I’ve ever heard of.”

Karyn was now openly snickering. “That should give us just the advantage we need. Now, let’s see, we’ll need to find a deck of some kind. You said you have index cards, right? Would you happen to have, say, fifty-two?”

“I’ve got a pack of fifty at home,” said Derpy.

“Two short. Well, we can pick up those at the store. Speaking of which: Mr. Rich!”

The merchant heard his name and looked around to see who was calling. “Well, what have we here? A human, I believe?”

“That’s right, Mr. Rich. Are you terribly busy right now?”

“Actually, I am. You know that I’m rather an important pony.”

“Too busy to listen to an opportunity to make money?”

“Never too busy for that.”

Derpy listened to this conversation, then grabbed Karyn and pulled her aside. “What are you doing? Not that I don’t trust you, but Filthy Rich is a tough customer. You don’t want to mess with him”

Karyn whispered, “Listen, we need money, he’s got money. We just need to convince him to give it to us. If what you’re saying is true, the way to do that is in a poker game.”

“Oh, this is not going to end well. OK, explain that to me.”

“Well, let’s get the cards first. Then I’ll explain it to everypony.”

They returned to Filthy Rich, and Karyn explained that there was a game of chance where he could win money. That worked on him like the music of the Pied Piper, and he was only too happy to follow them to his store. Once there, Karyn took a pack of index cards and a marker and started crafting a deck.

“Now, the idea is that each card is unique, and has a rank and a suit.”

Derpy opened her mouth to say something, and Karyn realized that there were an awful lot of opportunities for her to misinterpret something. She would be looking for suits of clothes, jacks that would lift wagons, and dance clubs. Karyn was particularly worried about explaining the concept of a flush. She kept on explaining the concepts to both of them, not particularly worried if they completely understood. Her purpose, after all, was to play a game she could win.

“It’s quite a concept you have there,” said Filthy. “and I’m sure there would be ponies who would buy this if I could popularize it.”

“Of course there are,” said Karyn. “You just have to see how fun it is. Would you like to play a few rounds?”

Again, Derpy conferred with Karyn. “Are you sure this is going to work? He has just as much chance of winning as we do.”

“No, he doesn’t. We’ll have two chances to every one of his, since there’s two of us.”

“Ah! Got it, so the more the better. Hey, Twilight! Want to play poker with us?”

Twilight Sparkle had come in to the store to restock her supply of scrolls. She found it useful to buy them in bulk. When she heard Derpy ask, she trotted over. “What’s that?”

“It’s a game that Karyn’s showing us. It’s supposed to be super fun, and you can win money!”

“Derpy!” Karyn said out of the side of her mouth, “It’s only better to have more if they’re on our side. Twilight’s going to skew the whole thing!”

“Well, it will be more fun.”

“I suppose.”

Karyn explained the concepts again, and Twilight looked confused until everything connected and she smiled. “Ah!” she said “It’s all about probability. The most likely combinations score less than the unlikely ones.”

“Essentially yes,” said Karyn. “So let’s set up a table and four places. Derpy, if you can split your bits between us, and we’ll go against Mr. Rich and Twilight.”

They went into a back room of the store and set up a card table. Karyn shuffled the cards. “Now, there are several ways of paying the game. This one is the most popular on Earth right now. I’ll give each of you two cards. Look at them but don’t show anypony.”

The cards were dealt. Karyn picked up hers with her hands. Twilight used magic. Filthy was able to use his hooves. But Derpy had a lot of trouble finding out what her cards were. After a few minutes of trying to pick them up, she slid them along the table and peeked at them from below table level.

Karyn realized that, whatever skill or advantages she had, she and Derpy were still on the short stacks, and would quickly have to bet heavy less they lose by tiny cuts. On the third hand, with Twilight dealing, she found herself with a pair of kings, and put in everything she had. Twilight and Derpy folded, but Filthy called, considering that even if he lost he could afford to do so.

Karyn turned up her kings, and Filthy showed an ace and a queen. Karyn had quiet confidence, but an ace could spell doom. The three cards came up five, seven, and king.

“Yes!” Karyn said. “Three of a kind.” Her chances had gone way up. She grinned at Filthy and leaned back in her chair. And then Twilight flipped over a ten, and then a jack. Her jaw dropped.

“It’s. . . a straight. I’m out.” She collapsed back into her chair.

“What happened?” asked Derpy.

“It was just bad luck for me. You’ll have to play well and win it back.”

Derpy frowned, but returned to the game. She had some good luck, and doubled her money over the next few hands. That gave her renewed spirit, and she didn’t feel so desperate each bet. Karyn busied herself by getting drinks for the three remaining players.

Several more hands passed, and then Twilight looked like she got an idea. She looked at her cards and made a small bet. When both Derpy and Filthy called, Twilight waited for the three-card flop. When it came up with two jacks, she bet everything. Derpy would have had to match her, and she only had a ten and a queen, so she folded. Filthy had plenty of money, but folded as well. Twilight took the pot.

Karyn saw the tone of the game shift. Twilight was consistently betting heavier, and the other two folded much more often. Karyn concluded that Twilight was bluffing most of the time, but she couldn’t communicate it to Derpy.

Derpy was getting down to her last few bits, and she excused herself to use the toilet. Karyn said that she had to go as well. They conferred in the privacy of the cubicle.

“I don’t think we’re going on the train any time soon,” said Derpy.

“Could be, but luck can always turn. You’ve got to realize that Twilight is bluffing.”

“What’s that?”

“She’s pretending that she has good cards when she doesn’t, and betting accordingly.”

“You’re allowed to do that?!” asked Derpy.

“Yes, that’s the game!”

“Why did nopony tell me?”

“I thought you knew,” said Karyn. “I figured you’d be a natural to have a poker face.”

They returned to the table and Derpy prepared to play again. Twilight made one of her high bets, but this time Derpy called. After the last card was shown, it was Twilight who folded. Derpy had won a small pot.

The next hand, Twilight looked at her cards and asked Derpy how much money she had. She checked until the flop came out, then bet enough that Derpy would have to spend everything to call. Filthy dealt an ace, a four, and a two.

Derpy looked at Twilight’s eyes. “I think you’re bluffing,” she said.

Twilight said nothing, but she appeared to start sweating.

Derpy shoved all of her bits into the center and flipped up her cards. They were an ace and an eight. “A pair of aces!” she said.

Twilight said, “I have a pair of aces as well. And both of them are right here.” She turned the cards face up and Derpy’s face fell.

Filthy laughed. “Well, looks like it’s about to be one-on-one,” he said. He turned another card. It was an eight.

“It’s not over yet!” shouted Karyn. “If she gets another eight she’s got a full house. There’s still a chance!”

Karyn grabbed Derpy’s hoof in her hand and held tight. Filthy tried to put some drama into his delivery as he flipped the final card. Derpy saw the multitude of diamonds and her heart soared. Then she saw the nine in the corner.

Karyn and Derpy were broke.

“Ha ha!” Filthy cheered. “Oh, I do like this game! All right, Miss Twilight, it’s you and me now.”

Twilight looked at her own stack of bits and at Filthy’s. They were close to equal. She also looked at Derpy’s downtrodden face and Karyn’s, which didn’t display quite so much emotion. Still, she was clearly distraught.

“It certainly is. Let’s get back to it,” she said, dealing out a hand.

“We’ll get out of your way,” said Derpy. “There’s no reason for us to stick around.”

“No, please, do stay,” said Twilight. “I’d like you to at least see the end of the game.”

“We might as well,” said Karyn. “There’s not a whole lot else to do now.”

They sat back down and watched Twilight and Filthy play. Twilight had picked up more of the nuances of the game, but Filthy had an instinct for getting money to come in his direction. There were some exciting hands played. Derpy remarked to Karyn, “It’s really more exciting watching other ponies go at it than it was to play. Especially since I can’t lose any more money now.”

“A lot of humans would agree with you. Watching people play poker is a popular pastime. They even have cameras that tell you what each player’s hole cards are without letting the others know,” said Karyn.

“Ooh, that would make it more fun. Hey, can you two tell us what your cards are without letting each other know?”

“Not now, Derpy!” said Twilight. “This is intense competition.”

They played on for over an hour. Slowly, but steadily, Filthy’s bits found their way onto Twilight’s pile until she had three times as many as he did. But then he made a bold move.

After he dealt himself his two cards, he said, “I don’t even need to see the flop. I bet it all.”

Twilight floated her cards up to her eyes and held them there a long time. Then she said, “I think you must have something, but I’ve got to call you anyway. Because I’ve got a pair of aces!” She laid down the two black aces.

“Well, I’ll be dipped,” Filthy said. “So do I!” He flipped over the two red aces.

“I guess it’s a tie for this hand and we split the pot,” said Twilight.

“Right,” said Filthy, but as he was already drawing the three cards, he turned them over. They were three diamonds. “Oh ho! Maybe it’s not a tie!”

The next card was a club, but the final card was the seven of diamonds, and Twilight gave a wan smile. “Nice round,” she said.

“You bet it was!” he said. Twilight shuffled and dealt the next hand. “And this one’s just as good. All of it! Again!”

Derpy and Karyn whispered to each other.

“Don’t you think he’s getting a bit overconfident?” asked Derpy.

“Definitely. I hope Twilight takes him to school.”

“Really? I think she should stay here and beat him in poker.”

Karyn slapped her forehead. “All my hard work to get you to understand poker terminology, and I still can’t win.”

Twilight called Filthy’s bet, and he showed his pair of kings. Twilight showed an ace and a jack.

“I’ve got a pair already, and you have nothing!” Filthy said. “It’s in the bag!”

“Not really. I’ve still got about a three in ten chance of winning,” said Twilight.

“How could she figure that out so fast?” whispered Karyn.

“Dunno,” Derpy said, “but she’s pretty smart.”

Twilight dealt the three face-up cards, none of which was higher than seven. “All right, now I’m a little worried,” she said. But then she dealt an ace.

It sounded as if Filthy was choking, even though he hadn’t eaten or drunk anything. Twilight, all business, said, “You still have a small chance. About one in twenty of getting one of the last two kings.”

She flipped the last card, which was a two.

“But it didn’t work out,” Twilight said. “Good game, all of you.”

“No!” cried Filthy. “It can’t end like this! We’ll keep playing. I’ll put up more. I’ll put up. . . Barnyard Bargains!”

“You’re really willing to wager your store on one hand of cards?” asked Derpy.

“Yes!”

“No,” said Twilight. “but I will make you a counteroffer. I’ll put up everything I won from you if you win. If I win, though, you give me the exclusive rights to sell playing cards in Equestria.”

Filthy thought about that for a moment, then agreed. Twilight dealt all the cards face-up. It was no contest. Filthy got a two and a seven, and Twilight a king and a ten, both of which were paired on the flop. The last two cards matched nothing.

“And that really is the last hand,” she said.

“All right,” said Filthy, “but when you do start making cards, I hope you’ll let me carry them here. We can make a fortune together!”

“Oh, I have no intention of making these cards. In fact, now that I’ve got all the rights to them, I’m going to destroy this deck and tell nopony about them.”

“What?!” all three of the others said.

“That’s right,” said Twilight. “Granted that Filthy isn’t the most popular pony in town, I still don’t want to see him suffer. And Derpy shouldn’t lose the money she saved up just because of the way the cards fall. No, we’re all definitely better off if we don’t have these.”

“Works for me,” said Derpy.

“I guess,” said Karyn.

“Come on, girls,” said Twilight. “I’ll buy you ice cream, since I’m so flush with cash.”

They all went to the ice cream parlor and sat down. Karyn had to admit that there was much more bonhomie and less tension when they weren’t playing.

“So what possessed you to bring that awful game up?” asked Twilight.

“We just really needed a way to make money fast,” said Derpy.

“It’s my fault,” said Karyn. “I wanted to ride the train so badly, I got a little desperate. It won’t happen again.”

“It’s all right,” said Twilight. She took a bite of her sundae. “You know, technically, I don’t have all the rights to playing cards in Equestria. You know about them too, Derpy.”

“Huh?”

“Would you be willing to sell out for, say, the cost of two train tickets?”

Derpy bit her own banana split. “First class?”

Twilight laughed. “You drive a hard bargain, but it’s a deal!”

Karyn brightened. “Really, Twilight? After what I did?”

“Uh-huh. Next time, just ask if you want something. It can be a lot easier than going for some crazy scheme.”

Derpy said, “Maybe you should just have asked your folks if you could have skipped the boat trip.”

“I guess so,” said Karyn. “I sure learned something today. Maybe I should write Princess Celestia about it. Or, wait! I could show you guys e-mail!”

Derpy and Twilight looked at each other. “Here we go again!” they said.

Author's Notes:

Preview of Chapter 16!

Karyn got out of the van, Bluetooth in place, and looked around nervously.

“Are you sure I can’t go with you?” Derpy asked.

“Honestly? I’m afraid to let you in the building.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Well, Derpy,” she said, pointing, “there’s the big city. What do you think?”

Derpy said nothing for a moment. She was drinking in the brownstones, the el train, and, off in the distance, the skyscrapers.

“It looks like a good skeleton for a city like Canterlot. The castles are there, they just need all the decorations. And the whole thing could use a good scrubbing,” she said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Derpy whispered into Karyn’s ear. “There’s so much going on here. Is this all for us ponies?”

“Heh, no. It’s Friday afternoon, and it’s rush hour. All this hustle is still people working,” said Karyn. “It’s always fun when you’re on vacation and everyone else isn’t. Everything is busy, but you have the time to take it slow.”

“I guess,” said Derpy. “I think it’s always good to take it slow.”

Be sure to read that one, too!

16: Derps on a Plane

Karyn got out of the van, Bluetooth in place, and looked around nervously.

“Are you sure I can’t go with you?” Derpy asked.

“Honestly? I’m afraid to let you in the building.”

An hour earlier, Derpy had sat in Karyn’s room and listened to her plans.

“So there’s this huge event for all the fans of My Little Pony, and I saved up enough to go. I’d sure like you to be there with me,” Karyn had said.

“Will the people there know me?”

“Are you kidding? Everyone there will love you. We won’t tell them it’s really you. They’ll think it’s probably just two humans in a costume. But you’ll be able to be visible in front of them and to just be yourself. There is one catch?”

“What’s that?” Derpy had asked.

“We’re flying there, and not the way you usually do it.”

On the limo ride over, Karyn had explained all the procedures about flying in an airplane, and how Derpy couldn’t sneak on board, even if she were invisible.

“Can I at least come in and see this body scanner thing?” Derpy asked.

“All right, but listen. This is serious stuff. People get banished to an island for saying the wrong thing in here, so if anything even looks like it’s going wrong, freeze time and get out fast. Agreed?”

“Agreed.”

They went into the airport, which had high enough ceilings that Derpy could fly up and avoid all the people. She looked around in awe.

“It’s so pretty! Everything is all white and clean, and all the humans are so busy.”

“Don’t let the cleanliness fool you,” Karyn said. “All of these people are in a high state of tension. At any time, someone’s flight could be cancelled or something, and then they’d get really angry. Flying on planes is one big pain in the flank.”

She went up to the check-in counter. After a half-hour of waiting in line, she reached the front and checked her bags. After the representative spent what seemed like another fifteen minutes typing on her computer, Karyn received her boarding pass and was on her way.

“OK, Derpy. We agreed. Here’s where we go our separate ways. I’ll meet you in the other airport.”

“But how will I know which of these airplane thingies you’re on?”

“See here? I’m at gate A23. They’re numbered the same way on the outside. Just zip around and you’ll see that code.”

“Got it!”

Derpy watched in silence as Karyn unpacked her laptop, emptied her pockets, and took off her shoes. Then she was hurried through the clear booth. Derpy was mostly confused, but she liked the wooshing noise it made.

Karyn re-packed everything and sat in the lounge to wait. She got out her book and read for a while. After about ten minutes, she heard, “Psst.”

“Psst!”

Karyn lifted her head. She looked around her, but saw no one in the immediate vicinity.

“PSST!”

She took a deep breath, counted to ten, and then said through her teeth, “I know that can’t be Derpy. I know that after all my admonitions, she wouldn’t be so bold as to come with me anyway. I know she wouldn’t want to get me in trouble like that.”

A timid voice said, “Um. . . I just really wanted to ask you something.”

Karyn slammed the book closed and reached for her Bluetooth.

“How did you get past the security?” she asked.

“I didn’t. I flew outside and found gate A23 like you told me. There was this big square tube there, so I flew into it and I found you here. So I figured it was all right.”

“I guess you didn’t know any better. I thought the plane would be blocking the gate. All right, stick around. What’s your question?”

Karyn heard Derpy’s voice move and determined that she was sitting next to her. “Well,” Derpy said, “I was watching some of the planes take off and land, and I can’t figure out how they fly. They don’t even flap their wings!”

“OK, here’s how I understand it, which may not be one-hundred percent accurate. You see the curved shape of the wing? When the plane moves forward, it gets the air rolling like a tube. Once the air gets over the wing, it keeps rolling downward. That downward roll creates an area of low pressure under the wing, which in turn provides lift.”

“It seems awfully complicated. I just push down on the air with my wings and I go up.”

“Yeah, but you’re doing it with magic. If a scientist saw you fly, he’d say it couldn’t be done.”

Derpy scoffed at that, but just then someone sat down next to Karyn, so they had to cut short the conversation. The plane arrived soon after and people got on line.

As she advanced in line, Karyn whispered, “OK, you follow after the plane. It goes fast. I hope you can keep up.”

“Don’t worry,” she heard back. “I’ve got a plan.”

Karyn got on board and went through the tedious process of shuffling toward a seat and performing the Olympic-level weightlifting needed to get her bag in the overhead compartment, then took a row with a window seat. She settled in to ignore the oxygen mask demonstration and read the catalogue of wall-sized crossword puzzles, vinyl-to-iPod music converters, and replicas of Harry Potter wands. She wondered what it was about flying that made the catalogue company think that people were suckers for useless baubles.

The plane took off and she leaned against the window in a half-successful attempt to go to sleep. She kept having visions of Derpy flying behind and trying to catch up. When she came to, the seat-belt sign was off and everyone was using their laptops. She slid the window shade up.

The gray pegasus pony lying lazily on the wing barely surprised her. Of course she did. She’s not even going invisible. She’s just counting on nobody looking out at the wing. She’ll probably say something like, “Well, there was a lot of noise, so I couldn’t talk to you. I had to make sure you knew I was safe.” I’m not even worried anymore. Unless the pilots notice that there’s something weird messing with their aerodynamics.

Yeah, I’m just going to pretend I didn’t see that and hope they know what they’re doing.

The rest of the flight was uneventful. Around the time that the landing gear was lowered, Derpy slipped off of the wing and coasted in behind the plane. Karyn found lots to annoy her in air travel, but her biggest peeve was the interminable wait for the crew to open the door and for people to get out once the plane was at the gate. Eventually, she shuffled down the aisle and into the airport.

This time she expected Derpy to have flown in through the gate. It would make sense here, since it was the easiest way to track her rather than trying to hook up later. So once she was in, Karyn perked her ears and listened for Derpy’s voice, but with no luck. She decided to get her bag first and then find Derpy.

She felt awkward, since all of the usual methods she would use to meet up with a friend were unavailable with Derpy. She couldn’t call her on a cell phone or e-mail her or suggest a landmark that they could both reach. Standing at the baggage claim and wondering what to do, she felt a tap on her shoulder and turned around to see nothing. Derpy had found her.

“How’d you know I’d be here?” Karyn asked.

“Easy. I just checked the arrival board for which flight went to the gate that you landed at, then saw which baggage claim was servicing that flight.”

“I never know when you’re going to turn out to be a genius about something human.”

“I do have one piece of bad news, though,” said Derpy.

“What’s that?”

“When I flew in through the baggage claim, I saw that your bag was near the bottom.”

Karyn laughed. “Nothing more than I expected.”

After an endless wait, she got her bag and they left the airport. “Well, Derpy,” she said, pointing, “there’s the big city. What do you think?”

Derpy said nothing for a moment. She was drinking in the brownstones, the el train, and, off in the distance, the skyscrapers.

“It looks like a good skeleton for a city like Canterlot. The castles are there, they just need all the decorations. And the whole thing could use a good scrubbing,” she said.

“Definitely,” Karyn said. “In more ways than one. Come on, let’s get to the hotel.”

They made their way to the elevated train station. Ever since the first time they had gone out, the time they saw the movie, Karyn had had to deal with her ethical quandaries about buying one ticket when two were doing what the ticket allowed you to. But at the station, she muttered to herself, “Seven dollars for this train? Well, I’m calling it three and a half.”

The elevated train was a special line that connected to the regular subway system. The trains only ran every twenty minutes, and in deference to Murphy’s law, one had just left as Derpy and Karyn made it to the platform. After a long wait, they finally got to board.

“Is this all there is?” asked Derpy. “I can see why you’re so keen to ride on an Equestrian train. They’re far nicer than this.”

“Yeah. This one is just about getting from one place to another.”

When they got to the subway station, they encountered a problem more pressing than poor aesthetics. During the evening rush, each train was so full that if Derpy got on, people would definitely feel the invisible pony.

“What do we do now?” asked Derpy.

Karyn sighed. “Short of taking a cab, which I probably can’t afford, we could wait until the crowds thin out.”

“That could be forever.”

“Wait! I’ve got an idea. Remember when I caught that cold?”

Karyn waited next to the doors of the next train with Derpy hovering overhead. As the people on board got off, Karyn gave a loud sneeze. “Ugh, I am definitely coming down with something,” she announced.

She was not given a wide berth, but it was enough to fit a pegasus.

When they reached the center of the city, they had to walk—or fly—six blocks to the bus station. Derpy’s mouth hung open throughout the flight. “All these lights and signs! We have nothing like this in Equestria.”

Karyn felt a touch of pride.

At the bus station, there was less of a line and the prices were reasonable. The sun was starting to set as they traveled west. The red haze cast over the suburbs dazzled them as they looked out the bus window.

Derpy whispered into Karyn’s ear. “There’s so much going on here. Is this all for us ponies?”

“Heh, no. It’s Friday afternoon, and it’s rush hour. All this hustle is still people working,” said Karyn. “It’s always fun when you’re on vacation and everyone else isn’t. Everything is busy, but you have the time to take it slow.”

“I guess,” said Derpy. “I think it’s always good to take it slow.”

After checking in, they made it to the hotel room. “Now, I have to teach you the most important thing about staying in a hotel.”

“What’s that?” Derpy asked.

“As soon as you get in, you have to turn the air conditioner on full blast and leave it there. It’s the only time that you can make it as cold as you want and not have to pay extra, so don’t forget it.”

Suiting the deed to the word, Karyn opened a small metal plate on the air conditioner and turned it on full blast. She sat down right on the vents and let the cool air blow up through her shirt. “Ah, feels so nice,” she said.

Derpy looked askance at Karyn, and lay on the bed farthest from the air conditioner. “So what are we doing tonight?” she asked.

“Well, I was thinking that I would grab dinner and pick up our badges for the convention. You could come with me, but I think it’s better to save your grand debut for tomorrow. Understand this about conventions: there’s an awful lot of standing in line waiting. Also sitting in rooms waiting. Or hanging around halls waiting.”

“I’m sensing a pattern.”

“Yeah. But the point is that if you’re expecting everything to be a constant stream of entertainment, you’ll be disappointed. If you’re prepared to wait, you’ll be able to take it in stride. Forewarned is forearmed.”

“Actually, I’ve got four legs and no arms,” said Derpy.

Karyn shook her head. “Everyone’s going to love you tomorrow.” She picked up her purse and headed for the door. “Sandwiches OK for dinner?”

“Sure thing.”

Karyn went outside in the heat. Walking down to the convention center, she felt a little pride as she looked at the other bronies and pegasisters. Sure, plenty of them could draw better than she could, or make plushies or music videos. Heck, some of them were probably on intimate terms with the big names of the show. But none of them knew a real pony from Equestria.

At least, she assumed so from what she had seen on her visits there. It would be funny if every brony had a secret pony friend, but each of them thought they were the only one. Her daydreaming was interrupted as she reached the convention center. There was no line for badge pickup, so Karyn was able to walk right up and present her two receipts.

“Do you have your ID with you?” the volunteer behind the desk asked.

“Right here,” Karyn said as she handed over her driver’s license.

“And the other person you’re picking up for?”

“Do I need her license too? I have the receipt.” Karyn was worried about this potential hangup, but not too much. She knew that if the convention enforced the rule about registration to the letter, they would have a lot of angry people demanding refunds over some silly paperwork. They would be better off putting their efforts into detecting fake badges and people who just tried to walk in without one.

Badges in hand, she got the sandwiches and returned to the hotel room. Derpy was reading through the card that listed all of the amenities the hotel offered.

“You know, Karyn, there’s a lot of cool stuff here.”

“There is. I always wonder why hotels go so far out of their way, when basically all of their guests are just using the hotel as a base to do something in town. Actually, I always thought that it would be kind of cool to take a vacation and just take advantage of all that hotel stuff. Order room service, use the spa and the gym and the pool, eat in the restaurant, that kind of thing.”

“That might be fun. But certainly not this weekend,” Derpy said.

“Nope. This weekend is going to be all about the convention. And it’s going to be awesome.”

******************************************

In the early morning, Karyn got up early and made fried bread for breakfast. The kitchenette in the suite was tiny and cramped, and the smoke from the grease overwhelmed the cheap range hood. Derpy woke up to the sound of the smoke alarm going off.

“Ugh, what time is it?” she asked.

“Not too early, but I wanted to make breakfast,” shouted Karyn over the alarm. She had shut off the stove and was trying to fan the smoke away from the alarm.

Derpy was still groggy, but she saw the smoke and Karyn’s futile gestures, and she figured out what was going on. “Hang on,” she said. “Let an expert handle this.” She got off the bed and flapped her wings rapidly. The smoke cleared and the alarm shut off. Karyn ran to the window and opened it. The room quickly cleared.

“Thanks. I guess that means it’s done.”

Derpy was not used to hot breakfasts, and she was enthusiastic in her praise. “You can cook breakfast for me anytime!” she said.

Now wanting to risk the stove again, Karyn contented herself with bread and butter. As she was cleaning up the dishes, she said, “Now, one more important thing, not so much for a hotel but for a convention. You’ve got to shower every day.”

“Um, duh,” said Derpy. “I shower every day even when I’m not at a convention.”

“Yeah, but a lot of people who come here to party are too drunk or lazy to shower, and they stink up the place something awful. You’re going to be in a building with four thousand humans. That’s a lot of body heat.”

“Well, I won’t make any of the stink. Can I have the shower first?”

“Go ahead.”

Still in her pajamas, Karyn sat on the couch and went over the convention schedule. It’s nice that they’re only running two tracks, she thought. I remember going to the comic book convention where they had over a dozen tracks. I missed so much stuff because it was at the same time or too far away. I think I can see just about everything I want here. She took a highlighter and marked out the events she wanted to attend, going over the most important ones two or three times.

The shower turned off and Derpy emerged in a cloud of steam toweling herself off. “It’s all yours,” she said. “What do I do with the towel?”

“Just throw it on the floor. The maid will come through and give us more later.”

“Really? Whoa. How much do we have to pay for that?”

“Nothing specifically for linens. It comes in with the bill. It’s not cheap, but once in a while you’ve got to treat yourself, right?”

“Yeah!” Derpy said. She had a look of distinct enjoyment as she spiked the towel to the ground.

Karyn showered and brushed her teeth. Throwing on a T-shirt and shorts, she turned to Derpy and said, “Ready to go and meet everyone?”

“Almost. How do I get this on?” Derpy asked. She was fumbling with the badge.

“You can’t get the lanyard over your head?”

“No. I can’t.”

“Well, that can’t be right,” said Karyn. “Your head’s not that much bigger. Flatten your ears.” She tried to get it over Derpy’s head.

“Ow, ow. Watch it.”

“OK, wait a minute. Let’s think about this. If we can’t get it over your head, and we can’t separate it from the lanyard, and obviously we can’t pin it to your clothes because you’re not wearing any, what we could do is to just keep it over one ear, but then we have to worry about it falling off. Wait! I have a bobby pin. That should keep it in.”

She suited the deed to the word and grabbed her own badge. “Now, how am I going to do mine?”

“Can’t you just put it around your neck?” asked Derpy.

“I could, but the problem with that is that as I’m walking around, it’ll turn and they won’t be able to see the front. Not a serious problem, just annoying.”

“You sure know a lot about these conventions.”

“Yeah, I’ve been to a few in my time,” said Karyn. “What I’ve done at some is to take two lanyards and attach one each to separate corners. But this one only has a single hole in the middle. I know, I’ll just run it through a couple of my belt loops. There.”

With the last obstacle out of the way, they left the hotel room and headed for the elevator. When the door opened, a young man in a Fluttershy T-shirt came out and did a double take at Derpy. He looked like he was about to say something, but she and Karyn entered the elevator and the door closed quickly.

“This is pretty cool,” said Derpy.

“What’s that?”

“To be about among the humans without having to disguise myself and hide and fly out of everyone’s way.”

“I think you’re a little bit of an exhibitionist,” said Karyn with a smirk.

“I sure am! This is going to be a great exhibition.”

“That’s not what I meant, but maybe it’s better you don’t know.”

The elevator reached the ground floor, and Karyn and Derpy stepped out into the lobby. They were getting ready to walk out the door when they heard, “Excuse me?”

They turned and saw the young lady at the check-in counter addressing them. Karyn was worried that she was about to be assessed a horse occupancy fee or something.

“I’ve been seeing a few people dressed in horse ears and such, but this is the best costume I’ve seen. Can you tell me what’s going on?”

“It’s a convention for My Little Pony,” Karyn said.

“That show from the eighties?”

“No, this is Friendship is Magic. It’s new and the ponies in it are real. My friend Derpy here is from Equestria.”

Derpy gave her a look, wondering why she was giving away the truth, but the hotelier laughed. “Cute. There’s really a lot of interest in it?” she asked.

“Oh, yeah. You should give it a look,” said Karyn.

“Maybe I will.”

The girls reached the outside, and Derpy said, “Karyn! We’re not supposed to tell anyone else about Equestria.”

“That’s the beauty of doing this at the convention. We can tell them that you’re really Derpy Hooves, which is perfectly true, and no one will really believe it. Just don’t take off and go flying around.”

The hotel was right next to the convention center. In the steamy morning, the convention-goers were milling about ready to enter. There was still an hour to go before the main doors opened, and a shaky line was forming. Karyn slipped in line just as if nothing was unusual, and Derpy followed after.

The first person to notice Derpy was standing in line in front of them. “Whoa! Cool costume! Can I get a picture?”

“Sure!” said Derpy. He snapped a picture with his phone.

“Check it out,” said a girl who hadn’t decided to get in line yet. “It’s Derpy Hooves!”

“Oh, wow!” said her friend, “That is so perfect. You must be a professional seamstress or something. How long did it take you to look like that?”

“Not long,” said Derpy. “I just showered and brushed my mane.”

The two girls laughed. “Yep, you’re Derpy all right!”

Another young man came up to them. “Excuse me, could you please say, ‘I just don’t know what went wrong’?”

Derpy bristled a little, but she recited the line. As everyone waited for the convention to start, she was pressed into service as impromptu entertainment. After many people asked her for pictures and hugs, she got a moment to whisper to Karyn.

“I’ve never gotten so much attention,” Derpy said. “I think I like it a little.”

“It’s a real role reversal, huh?”

“What do you mean?”

“This time, I’m the one who’s invisible,” said Karyn.

Just then, neither of them was the center of attention. The main doors to the convention floor opened.

Next week: the convention itself! Note: all. . . well, most. . . events in this chapter and the next are based on my actual experiences at Bronycon 2012.

17: Derpycon

A cheer went up and everyone shuffled forward. The staff checked badges and waved the people through.

Karyn asked Derpy, “What are queues like in Equestria?”

“Hmm. . . We don’t really have queues like this. Except for cider season. Or baking giveaways. But when we do, generally we form a single line. Not just filtering in like this.”

“Hm,” said Karyn.

“What’s up?”

“I’m just remembering something I read in a book once. There was this guy who traveled the world. All over, different countries. And he said that the biggest difference he saw from the civilized countries to the uncivilized ones were the queues. In the civilized countries, any time there was a distribution—a sale, a give-away, anything—people would automatically line up. But the uncivilized lands would just rush the giver in a mass.

“If Equestrian ponies are that good at forming a single line, and if there’s anything to the theory, you must be very civilized.”

Her reminiscences were cut short as they made their way into the con. “OK, what are we doing first?” asked Derpy.

“Swag.”

“Swag?”

“Merch. Booty. Stuff. We’re going to ruin my financial future by spending too much on material with ponies on them”

“Um. . . that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense,” said Derpy.

“No, it probably doesn’t. But once in a while, not often, you’ve got to indulge yourself.”

“I can understand that, but why this?”

Karyn stopped. “You know, you may be right. If it were last year—even if it were six months ago—I would have blown my money. But what do I need with a plastic pony when I’ve got a real pony right here?” She gave Derpy a hug around the neck.

“Then what will we do?”

“We can still look.”

They browsed the aisles of the salespeople. Derpy looked at the artwork and crafts. She turned up her nose at some of them, but really liked watching the people who liked them. At one booth, they were selling pony ears, pegasus wings, and unicorn horns. They were selling fast.

“Karyn, those horns and wings don’t really do magic or let you fly, do they?”

“Of course not.”

“Aw, that’s so sad. These poor people are being cheated!”

“No,” said Karyn with a laugh. “They all understand it. It’s just a fashion thing.”

“Well, I wish that they did really work.”

“You and everyone else.”

They turned a corner and reached the end cap where the official merchandise was being sold. The crush of people was heaviest here. Posters and T-shirts were flying off the wall. Derpy was staring at one end while Karyn browsed around.

“Can I help you with anything, Derpy?” the saleslady said.

“No thanks, I’m just looking. Hey, Karyn!” Derpy said, calling her over.

“What’s up?”

“There’s a shirt here.”

“There’s a bunch of shirts here,” said Karyn.

“But this one says, ‘Derpy is best pony.’”

“Mmhm. A lot of people like you. What’s the problem? You want royalties?”

“No, it’s just—“

“Are you not happy that you’re so popular among humans? Trust me, there are plenty who prefer Twilight Sparkle or Rainbow Dash or Fluttershy.”

“It’s not that, either, it’s just. . . “ Derpy trailed off.

“What?”

“Why isn’t it, ‘Derpy is the best pony?’”

“Karyn. I think the opening ceremonies are starting.”

“Meh. We can go, but I wouldn’t expect much out of it,” said Karyn.

“Why not?”

The floor of the convention center had been partitioned out with black curtains. They only went about two-thirds away across the floor. There was plenty of space on either side for people to gather about and plan their next move. Derpy and Karyn had done so.

“Well, for the most part, they’re just going to tell people what’s going on if they haven’t read the brochure or something, and to show off the guests and things. It’s more for the first-timers than anything else.”

“But I’m a first-timer!” said Derpy.

“Yeah, but you don’t want to act like one,” Karyn said with a smile. “But all right, we’ll take a look.”

They moved down the wall where people were filling in seats. Karyn was hesitant to sit down. Derpy was comfortable standing.

“I guess this is what you meant by a lot of waiting,” said Derpy.

“Yep.”

Finally the ceremony started. A young fellow in a suit jacket took to the microphone. “Welcome to. . . “ he said, before the mike dropped out. “Oops, sorry. A bit too loud. Anyway, I’m glad you’ve all come together today to celebrate our love of My Little Pony!”

A cheer erupted from the crowd.

“Thank you. I’m sure you’re all keen to get started, but let’s just go over a few rules first. Remember when you’re dealing with the guests to be respectful and polite. Be sure to ask permission before taking pictures or hugging the guests or such.”

“Does he really need to say that?” asked Derpy. “It’s already in the book, and it’s common sense besides.”

“That’s what I’m saying,” said Karyn. “But there are a few people who need to hear it. Either that, or they just want to hear somebody say something.”

“Come on, let’s check out some of the other rooms.”

They made their way past the merchandising aisles again and to the front wall where they came in. Smaller auditoriums, only able to hold a few hundred people, stood against the wall. They ducked inside one.

“Gaming?” said Derpy. She looked over the room. A few of the people there were setting up to deal out cards. “Oh, no. Not playing cards again. I’ve lost enough.”

“Don’t worry. There’s no money in these games,” said Karyn.

Derpy looked over the board. The two players who were seated were intent on the game, but when they noticed Derpy, they looked up and smiled.

“Hey, it’s Derpy Hooves! You play cards?”

“No, I’ve had a bad experience. How does this game work?”

“Well,” the player said, “You’ve got this card here, right. He’s the main warrior. Then these support cards. . .” He launched into a long-winded explanation of complex rules. Derpy just nodded and stared.

“Come on, Derpy,” said Karyn. “I think this is more your speed.”

“Thanks for showing me,” said Derpy. “Enjoy your game.”

Derpy trotted over to the station Karyn was at. There was a human sitting at a computer.

“Their screen is a lot bigger than the one you have at the dorm,” Derpy said.

“Yeah, yeah,” said Karyn. “I know. Just watch.”

Derpy looked at the screen. There was a movie of Applejack subtitled on the bottom. It appeared to Derpy as if she was welcoming the human to Ponyville.

“I don’t get it,” she said. “When did Applejack record this?”

“She didn’t. It’s just something that someone drew and wrote the script for. It’s not canon.”

“Of course it’s not. It’s Pinkie Pie who has a cannon, not Applejack.”

Karyn laughed. “No, canon with one n. Well, two n’s, but not next to each other.”

“I don’t get it,” said Derpy.

“OK. Everything that actually happens to you in Equestria? That’s canon. Everything that humans on Earth make up about you? That’s not canon.”

“That’s too existential. Let’s watch the story.”

They looked on as the player went through the developments of the characters. Most people had already found the game online and played it, so Derpy was the one paying the most attention.

“It’s a nice story, even if it didn’t really happen. I guess it’s just good when things make dramatic sense. Real life doesn’t always fall into nice structure.”

“Now who’s being existential?” said Karyn.

“Whatever. Let’s go show off some more!”

Shaking her head, Karyn returned to the main floor with Derpy. Ahead of them was a line for autographs. Neither of them was interested in the guest at the end, but their attention was drawn to a young, blonde girl in a gray jacket and a pair of the wings they had seen sold. If Derpy had been human, this would have been a good approximation. The similarity was aided by what the girl was doing, which was passing out small envelopes from a mail sack.

When she reached Derpy, she stopped. Derpy was touched by the tribute. She had been pretending that she was wearing a costume, but this girl loved her so much that she really had dressed up like her, and was even doing her job.

“Do you want a letter?” the girl asked.

“No, thanks,” said Derpy. “I deal with them enough at work. This is my day off.”

She laughed and handed one to Karyn instead.

“What does it say?” asked Derpy.

Karyn opened the seal, being careful not to damage it. “It says, ‘Why can’t paper bags be a costume?’”

Derpy sighed. “Money was tight that year. I had to wear something, right? So Nightmare Moon wouldn’t eat me?”

“You don’t have to defend yourself. It’s just another reason everyone here likes you.”

They made their way past the merchandise section again. One booth that was packed the first time they had walked by was now empty. They had no display except a large sheet in many colors. The woman behind the table was stopping everyone in range.

“Excuse me,” she said, “Did you get one of our free giveaway trading cards? We’re selling the packs, but everyone gets this Rarity card.”

Derpy stopped and looked at it. “There are an awful lot of cards at this convention,” she said.

Karyn was looking at the proof sheet of the cards. “These ones aren’t even for playing. They just have information on them. Thank you,” she said as the lady handed them each one of the freebies.

“I just need to hole-punch your badge to indicate that you’ve received it,” she said.

“You know. . . “ said Derpy, and hesitated.

“Yes?”

“I know I said before that we shouldn’t be spending money, but I would like a souvenir to take back with me. Um. . . for Dinky.”

“All right. You want a couple packs of the cards? Let’s see how much they are first,” said Karyn.

“The whole set is forty, each pack is two-fifty,” the saleslady said.

“That’s actually not bad,” said Karyn. “Want to get two packs each? A nice, even ten dollars?”

“Sounds good to me!” said Derpy.

Karyn passed over the money, expecting the cards to just be put in her hand. Instead, the saleslady reached under the table and pulled out a huge shopping bag. It was half as tall as Karyn, and was emblazoned with a picture of Rainbow Dash.

“Whoa!” said Derpy. “I get a free blanket too?”

Her mistake was forgivable because of the size. The saleslady put the cards inside and handed it to Karyn.

“This is going to be unwieldy,” Karyn said as they walked away. “I bet that they give you such a large bag in order to make you buy more. They figure if you don’t have to worry about where to put things, you’ll be more inclined to spend money.”

“But we’re done, right?” said Derpy.

“Yeah. I really don’t feel like carrying this around, though.”

“Well, the next panel is the one on music that we want to see, and it doesn’t start for twenty minutes. Want to run back and drop it at the hotel?”

“Sure.”

They found the convention exit. People were still filing in en masse, but there was a clear path for those wanting to leave. After a short walk to the hotel, Derpy and Karyn got back in the entry line. Idly Karyn tapped her pockets to check on her keys and her phone and. . .

“My badge!” she said, looking around. “I lost it!”

She swore, causing Derpy’s ears to flatten.

“All right, don’t panic,” said Derpy.

“But I can’t get in! I’m going to miss the entire rest of the convention! They won’t even sell me another one if I wanted to spend the money!”

“Let’s just make sure that you didn’t drop it back in the hotel room.”

They made their way back along the path they had just traveled. Karyn kept her eyes wide open as she searched the ground. When they made it to the lobby, they had to wait for three elevator cars to come and go before they got the one that they had come down in. Karyn insisted on making sure that they took the same one that they had come down in. But the badge wasn’t there, and neither was it in the room.

“What are we going to do now?” she asked.

“We’ve just got to go back to the convention and check around. I’ll check around, since I still have mine,” Derpy said.

“All right. They probably have a lost and found as well. I’ll just let them know to be on the lookout.”

“Do you remember the number on it?”

“Yeah, I got lucky there,” said Karyn. “It was 1700. Nice round number.”

At the convention, they approached the main information booth. Karyn explained that she had lost her badge, and the con organizer looked at her and Derpy.

“We haven’t had anyone turn in a lost badge yet. Try back in an hour.” Karyn’s face fell. But then he reached over to a stack of blank badges and handed her one. “Use this as a temporary one. Don’t write on it or mark it up. Bring it back when you find yours.”

Karyn looked up. “Really?! You’ll let me do that? Normally badge security is so tight. . . “

“You’re walking around with someone in a full-sized Derpy Hooves costume. I don’t think that you’re trying to take advantage of us. Just don’t lose this one.”

“I won’t! I promise!”

Karyn got past the badge check with ease. If the checkers thought that it was unusual to have a blank badge, they didn’t say anything.

“That was incredibly nice of them,” said Derpy.

“I know, right? This fandom really has the best people in it. They know when to follow rules, and when to just use your own judgment.”

“And now we get to see the music panel!”

There were still another five minutes to go before the panel started, so Derpy and Karyn managed to snag what they thought were good seats. They were right in the middle, about ten rows back.

“Well,” said Derpy, “at least our little adventure with the badge cut down our wait time.”

“Yeah. Every cloud has a silver lining, right?”

“No, they don’t. If they did, I wouldn’t have to work as a mailmare.”

Karyn was about to say something, but then the panel emcee reached the microphone and greeted everyone.

Derpy leaned over. “So what is this, anyway? Like a concert?”

“Not quite. It’s just regular human songs with videos of ponies shown to them.”

“Oh. That’ll be cool to watch. I haven’t gotten to hear a whole lot of human music.”

The first video started, and Karyn watched enraptured. Derpy was not having such a good time, though.

“I can’t make out anything that they’re singing,” she said. “The acoustics in here are really bad.”

Karyn looked around and up. The ceiling was very high and was crisscrossed with structural shapes. The black curtains that separated the panel rooms probably weren’t helping. There was a speaker in the middle, but it appeared not to be turned on. The industrial-level air conditioners churning out white noise were not helping the situation. She could understand the songs because she’d heard them so often, but Derpy had no chance.

“I don’t know what to tell you,” said Karyn. We can move closer to the speakers, but then we have a worse angle on the screen, and we’ll have to stand.”

“What I really want to do is to stretch my wings. I haven’t flown at all since yesterday.”

Karyn put her hand on Derpy’s shoulder to hold her down. “I told you, you can’t do that. If you’re actually flying, people are going to go nuts. The least that’ll happen is that they’ll think we invented the jetpack.”

“You’re right. I’ll have to go invisible.”

“You can’t do that either. Everyone will see you disappearing.”

Derpy put her hoof to her chin in thought. “I’ll duck into the little fillies’ room, OK? No one will see if I go in the stall. Don’t worry, I’ll stay right above you the whole time.”

Derpy trotted off, and Karyn was left alone to watch the music videos. She much preferred having Derpy around to talk to, but she hoped that when the panel was over, she could explain everything they had seen to her.

It was right in the middle of one of the more techno-style videos that the screen went dark, and one of the safety staff ran up to the stage. “Um. . . we need to have everyone evacuate the building in an orderly fashion, please. Just please exit through the front.”

Karyn looked up. One of the light fixtures was showering sparks down on the floor.

“Derpy!” she said, but with conflicting meanings. “I hope she’s all right,” battled with “I’m going to kill her for causing this.” She got up and walked out with the crowd. Everyone else was looking at the ceiling to see the display. Karyn was looking to make sure that flames didn’t cover a pony-shaped patch of air.

The sun was blazing outside, and the few sections of shade were quickly occupied. Karyn walked a few yards away to a multi-story parking garage and waited. I have got to get that mare a cell phone, she thought.

Out of the shadows walked Derpy. “There you are! Thank goodness you’re all right!” said Karyn.

“I had you in my sights the whole time. I just had to find a lonely spot to turn off the magic.”

“So what happened up there?”

“I just don’t know—“

“What went wrong, yeah, I’ve heard that one,” Karyn said. “Derpy, look me in the eye and tell me the truth. Did you set the light on fire?”

“I didn’t. Honestly! I would never do something like that, you know that. Shoot, I wouldn’t even know how.”

Karyn pursed her lips. “All right, you’ve got a point. And I believe you.”

“So what do we do now?”

“Early lunch? I can get sandwiches.”

“Works for me!” said Derpy.

Karyn went off to get the sandwiches. Derpy observed everyone standing and waiting for the con to re-open. They were smiling and laughing despite the trouble. Someone started singing, and everyone joined in. Derpy still had trouble making out the words, but she could sense the camaraderie that existed among all the attendees. She’d heard some awful rumors about humans on and off in Equestria. She wished that everypony she knew could see these humans. Whatever their history, any people who could achieve this were worth knowing.

Karyn returned and they munched in the shade.

Between crunches of lettuce, Derpy said, “Cold sandwiches are the best on a hot day.”

“Oh, yeah,” said Karyn. “Cucumber, lettuce, and tomato, all crunchy and cool.”

They were kept outside for over an hour, but spirits remained high throughout the wait. When they finally announced that they would re-open, Karyn and Derpy queued up with the rest of the people near the lot.

The coordinator assigned numbers to each group based on where they were standing. Counting from his right, he delineated six groups.

“We’re number six, of course,” said Karyn. “Murphy’s law.”

“What’s that?”

“An old saying. The common version of it is, ‘Anything that can go wrong, will.’ Just like when we arrived and my luggage was next to last. Everyone’s luggage is next to last.”

Derpy tilted her head. “That doesn’t make sense. Someone’s got to be first. Look, there’s group one, going back into the con.”

“They aren’t real people. They can’t be. Real people always face hardships.”

“Then who doesn’t?” asked Derpy.

“The others. The ones that you meet for one day on a bus trip. The ones that don’t have stories of their own, but are only characters in your story.”

“In other words, background ponies?”

Karyn looked at Derpy, who smiled and winked. Just then, the coordinator said, “All right, second group, number six!”

“I guess it’s good to be a background character,” Karyn said.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“Do you think life could really work like that? Like, maybe some people have fates and destinies that are written, but the rest of the people have free will, because nothing they do matters as much?”

Derpy kept shuffling forward. “I don’t know. I’m not much for heavy philosophy when we could just be having fun.”

“Good point.”

The rest of the convention went smoothly. Derpy was continually pressed for pictures, autographs, and hugs. Once Karyn went back to the merchandise booth and bought the last pair of wings, she got a few requests of her own. By the time the midnight rave was about to start, they were ready to head for the hotel.

“Unless you want to stay for the rave,” said Karyn.

“Not really. They have some parties like that at home, but they’ve never been my favorite. Not that I have anything against dancing and music, but why can’t they just have it in a dark room at two o’clock in the afternoon when everypony’s awake?”

“Search me.”

They reached the hotel. They were both tired, but it was the kind of tired where you just wanted to lay down and smile.

“Definitely the highlight of the summer,” said Derpy.

“Oh, yeah. Only one problem.”

“What’s that?”

“We have to take the flight home.”

Author's Notes:

And now, the preview of next week's chapter!

Trust me,” said Derpy. “I know this trip like the back of my hoof.”

“Well, the station’s pretty, at least.”

Derpy picked up the bags with her wings. “They’ve really built it up since I came to Ponyville. Back then it was just a stone slab. Some stations are still like that.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“The insufferable clod!” said Derpy. “He thought you were some kind of servant. Why couldn’t he be nice to you?”

“I guess not everypony’s used to humans.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“What did you say, Derpy?” asked Karyn.

“Oh. . . never mind.”

“No, come on, tell me.”

“You’ll think it’s silly,” said Derpy.

“No, I won’t. Please.”

Be sure to read it, same time as usual!

18: One Derp Over the Line

“Bag packed?”

“Check!”

“Got your sunglasses?”

“Check!”

“Insured in case we fall into a crack between the universes?”

“Derpy!”

Derpy chuckled, and a moment later she and Karyn were descending in circles over the edge of Ponyville. Karyn was holding on to a duffel bag and her purse, and was a little unnerved to find that Derpy’s stick-on safety spell was concatenative. She couldn’t open her hand even to move the bag.

Once they landed and Karyn was free to move again, she surveyed the station. “I’m so glad that we’re finally going on the train. After what happened last time, I thought it was destined to be a dream unfulfilled.”

“I would have found a way eventually, if you were that into it,” said Derpy.

“I am. You remember how bad that plane trip was. I’m really looking forward to travel the pony way. And speaking of looking, look at this station! It’s so clean!”

The train station had the thatched roof common to Ponyville buildings, but the wood was so polished and stained that it looked liquid. The ticket office was split into two with a walkway between them, and lots of ponies were going into the waiting area. Karyn noticed a retractable awning that could be extended in case of rain. As it was, the sun was shining low in the sky with only a few clouds.

“Derpy, what time is it?” she asked.

“About a quarter to eight.”

“PM?”

“Yeah. Why, is there a problem?”

Karyn pulled out her phone. “There is. I’ve lost the whole day. We left at a quarter to eight in the morning. What happened?”

“First off, you haven’t lost anything. You’re still going back at a quarter to eight in the morning,” Derpy said.

“I will never get that down. Still, why did we jump forward?”

“Because the train’s at eight in the evening.”

Karyn pursed her lips. “Wasn’t the point of the trip to see things from the train? We can’t do that in the dark.”

“Trust me,” said Derpy. “I know this trip like the back of my hoof.”

“Well, the station’s pretty, at least.”

Derpy picked up the bags with her wings. “They’ve really built it up since I came to Ponyville. Back then it was just a stone slab. Some stations are still like that.”

They reached the platform and put down the bags. “Please tell me you have the tickets,” said Karyn.

“Like I said, trust me.” Derpy reached into her saddlebag, but came up empty-hoofed. Karyn looked at her warily. Then Derpy, like a magician doing a conjuring trick, flicked her hoof and made two tickets appear.

“Tee-hee,” she continued. “I put the tickets in magical storage. It’s one of the new spells. I got the idea from some of the things I saw on your computer.”

“Mmhm,” Karyn said. “What would happen if you lost the spell?”

“I’d just get another one, and the tickets would still be there.”

“Couldn’t you just do the same thing if you lost the tickets themselves?”

Derpy blinked. “Oh, look, here comes the train!”

The train was nothing like Karyn remembered from the show’s opening. Although the engine was still the coal-fired pipsqueak that she knew, the cars had grown longer and more luxurious. Each one had two decks. Only the caboose at the other end had the same diminutive size. Despite the upgrade, the train still had the homey charm she expected from Equestria.

“Come on, Karyn!” said Derpy. “We’re first class, so we have a line to ourselves!”

Karyn followed her to a section near the rear of the train where a velvet rope was set up. There were only a few other ponies in line, and Karyn figured that they must be from Canterlot. They were all unicorns and dressed quite fancily.

Derpy passed her a ticket, and Karyn looked it over. It was beautiful, thick, cream-colored paper with a scalloped edge. The bold black printing reminded Karyn of the old West. “It’s a shame to have to give this up to the conductor,” she said. “It’s so pretty.”

“Maybe if you ask nice, they’ll let you keep it.”

The train finally came to a stop, and when the doors opened, half a dozen ponies in blue hats came galloping toward the first-class line. When one of them picked up the bags of the first unicorn couple in line, Karyn figured that they were porters.

The haughty ponies ahead of them took no notice of the porters, but Karyn wanted to be polite. Knowing she would stick out like a sore hoof anyway, she went right up to the next blue-hatted pony in line. He was a big Earth pony stallion.

“Hi, I’m Karyn. Nice to meet you.”

He threw her a funny look. “They call me Smash, Miss. Excuse me, I’ll take the bags.”

Karyn whispered to Derpy, “That’s probably not a good name for a baggage handler.”

“Why not?”

“Well, it sounds like he’ll break everything.”

Derpy laughed. “Oh, Karyn. Smashing baggage is just a euphemism for carrying it. Everypony knows that.”

Karyn shrugged and climbed aboard the train.

The hallway was narrow, and Smash had to hunch his shoulders to make it through, but once he made it to their room, they saw that the space was well-used. Two plush seats faces each other with racks overhead for the bags. The center area could hold a table or be vacated to fold the seats into beds.

Smash lifted the bags into the rack as if they weighed nothing at all. On his way out, he said to Karyn, “If you need anything, anything at all, Miss, just ring. The button’s right there.” He pointed at the base of the window.

Once he was gone, Derpy said, “I think he likes you! Wasn’t he a hunk?”

Karyn shrugged. “I really wouldn’t know from stallions. I was just trying to be nice to him.”

“Well, you sure charmed him. Sit down, we’re about to pull out.”

Derpy took the rear-facing seat and let Karyn have the one that was more normal. The window was wide enough so that they both could see. From outside, they heard a pony shout, “All aboard!” A moment later, they were on their way.

What Karyn soon realized was that the towns could be so pleasant because the ponies supply infrastructure was between them. There were lots of farms and manufacturers between the towns. Small stations, some that were no more than the stone slab Derpy had talked about, served these concerns, and the farms often had put up proud banners by the stations. Karyn enjoyed seeing the signs like “Woodpony Tree Farm,” “Cluckworth Chicken Ranch,” and so on.

“Looking at all these farms is making me hungry,” said Derpy.

“Me too. Want to get dinner?”

“Sure. Let me just take care of one thing.” Derpy poked the buzzer with her hoof. As they left the bedroom, Smash came walking up.

“Can I help you, Miss?”

“We’re going to dinner. Could you please make up our room for the night?”

“Of course,” he said.

“Do you know when we will reach Fillydelphia?”

“Nine-eighteen, Miss.”

Derpy thanked him, and she and Karyn walked down the narrow hall to the dining car. When they were seated, Derpy put on a knowing smile.

“Fillydelphia is a big stop. They’ll hold the train for ten or fifteen minutes.”

“I didn’t realize it was so close to Ponyville,” Karyn said.

“Tomorrow, on the way back, it’ll be a good place to stop and stretch our legs before we reach home. But going, well, we’ll want to be back in our room when we stop.”

“OK. I don’t want to rush dinner, though.”

“We shouldn’t have to. They’re generally pretty quick and attentive, even when I’m not going first-class.”

As though to prove her point, a waiter walked over and asked Derpy for her order.

“I’ll have the dandelion green salad, please.”

“And for your companion?” the waiter asked, still looking at Derpy.

“I don’t know what she wants,” Derpy said, gesturing toward Karyn.

“I’ll give you a few minutes.”

“No, no,” said Karyn. “I know what I want. The mushroom special, please.”

The waiter never looked at Karyn, and stomped off.

“The insufferable clod!” said Derpy. “He thought you were some kind of servant. Why couldn’t he be nice to you?”

“I guess not everypony’s used to humans.”

“Maybe, but you’d think a waiter who rides the trains and deals with griffins and minotaurs and all sorts of different people, would be more open-minded.”

Karyn shrugged. “I don’t really mind.”

“But I do. Take out your ticket.”

Confused, Karyn pulled out the beautiful ticket that Derpy had given her. When the waiter came back, Derpy gave him her meanest look.

“Excuse me. I want to show you something. This is a first-class ticket for this train. It belongs to my friend Karyn. Basically what it means is that we’re paying extra to be assured a good time. We can’t have that when our waiter is discriminating. I’d like you to apologize to her. Or send the conductor over.”

The waiter looked as if he had swallowed castor oil, but Derpy maintained her stare. He turned his neck and faced Karyn. “Forgive me, please,” he said.

“Apology accepted,” said Karyn.

“Enjoy your mushrooms.”

He left, and Derpy said, “I wouldn’t mind it so much if he didn’t look at me because of my eyes. But you shouldn’t suffer just for being human.”

“I probably would have taken it exactly the other way,” said Karyn. “But let’s not dwell on it. We’re both here to have a good time, and I plan on doing it.”

They raised their glasses and drank a toast.

When they had finished, the waiter returned. Looking nowhere in particular, he asked if they wanted dessert.

“What time is it?” Derpy asked.

“Ten minutes after nine.”

“Thank you, no. We have to be getting back.”

The food was included in the price of the ticket, so they didn’t have to pay a bill. Back in the bedroom, Karyn barely recognized it. The seats had been swung out and doubled in width. They formed a set of bunk beds right next to the window.

“Which one do you want?” asked Derpy.

“I’ll go ahead and take the lower. If we fall out of bed, you have a chance to recover and fly back in.”

“OK. Hop in and I’ll show you my favorite part of riding the train.”

Even though she wasn’t particularly tired, Karyn took off her day clothes and laid her head down. Derpy flew up and lay in the same direction.

They felt the train slow and then come to a stop. The doors opened and steps extended themselves. Down the length of the platform, some of the porters helped more ponies on, while others removed trash from the train and stocked it with supplies.

“So what’s the big deal about this?”

Derpy spoke in a distant voice. “I’ve always had a peculiar feeling when I’m lying abed in a conveyance. A train. . . or a boat, as I’ve done it there too. Take a look. Everypony is running around, the porters working, the passengers climbing on. They’re all on time pressure, trying to get the train back on the road as soon as possible. Other ponies are in the dining car putting food in their mouths. Or getting dressed for bed. But not us.

“The day’s work is done. We have literally nothing to do, no tasks ahead. It’s complete freedom. We can be completely idle. I can’t do that when there’s mail to be delivered, or when I have to help my friends, or when I have to work around the house. But right now, I’m free to stop and wait.

“Beyond that, once we go to sleep, the train’s going to keep moving. Our goal is to get to the destination, and we’ll be accomplishing that goal while we sleep. That’s something that doesn’t happen every day. Usually sleep is wasted time. Tonight it’s useful time.

“Accomplishment without effort. It’s the lazy pony’s dream world.”

Karyn watched the activity and thought about what Derpy had said. “I think I know the feeling you’re talking about. I remember one time when I was going on a car trip with my folks. I got in the car with both of them, but my father forgot something, so he went back in the house. It took him a while, so my mother followed. I was all alone. It was a beautiful day, sun shining and hot. They hadn’t turned the car on, so if I had just sat there, I would have baked in the heat. But they left the doors open, both of them. And that’s when I felt it.

“There’s something about a vehicle, a thing that’s designed to be moved, when its doors are open and it’s just sitting still. You feel a connection between the car and the road. You realize that you’re sitting on a piece of metal and plastic and cloth. You feel every atom that makes up the car, and not just what it is. It’s a moment of contemplation. Then everyone comes back, the doors close, and you’re on your way.”

They both looked at the stairs down to the platform.

“I wonder if it’s the same reason that people like fancy doors on their cars. Gull-wings, suicide doors, that kind of thing,” Karyn said.

“Suicide? Those poor doors.”

Karyn laughed, which shook them out of their reflective mood. “No, it’s not the doors. The idea is that their doors that open the other way from how you saw my car doors are. If you tried to open mine while driving on the highway, the force of the wind would just close it. But if it opened backwards, the wind would make it fly open and you’d fall out and die.”

“Why would you open the doors on the road?”

“No idea.”

They spoke with long pauses in between, the kind of conversation that two friends have in bed when they can’t see each other, and neither of them know if what they have to say is important enough to keep it going, or if the other wants to drift off. They listened to the knock of the wheels on the rails. In the fading daylight, the trees moved past like ghosts, whipping into a gray-green wind.

Derpy was mumbling something. “What did you say, Derpy?” asked Karyn.

“Oh. . . never mind.”

“No, come on, tell me.”

“You’ll think it’s silly,” said Derpy.

“No, I won’t. Please.”

Derpy sighed. “It’s something I say every night. I didn’t want to bother you with it. I said, ‘Princess Luna, keeper of the night, please watch over me as I sleep. Don’t let anything happen to me while I can’t protect myself. Make sure all the ponies are safe from monsters and that all the little foals have their mommies and daddies to care for them. Thanks.’ Like I said, silly. Princess Luna is all the way in Canterlot, and she can’t hear me. Even if she could, she does all that anyway. She doesn’t need some dumb pegasus pony telling her what to do.”

Karyn never said prayers herself, and at any other time would have agreed with Derpy’s assessment. At that moment, she said, “It’s not silly. I’m sure that she can hear you, and that it is important. Princess Luna’s seen a lot over a thousand years. She probably has magic that can hear everypony, and is happy that somepony acknowledges her. Maybe if you had been around at that time over a thousand years ago to do that, she wouldn’t have turned into Nightmare Moon.”

She put her head back down. Derpy shifted in her bunk. As the train’s rhythm became background noise, Karyn listened to Derpy’s mumbling. “. . . and keep a special watch over my friend Karyn. She’s a human in a strange world to her, and sometimes ponies don’t treat her right. Don’t let her be sad or angry. Even when she goes home to her world, keep an eye on her, please?”

Karyn smiled and went to sleep.

*******************************************

In the morning, they were traveling over an open prairie. Small scrub grasses dotted the land, and the ground was getting sandier. Karyn woke up and noticed Derpy still asleep. She went into the attached bathroom. It was cramped, but not so much as it could have been, since it had to accommodate a pony. She arranged her hair as best as she could and brushed her teeth. Then she went back and sat on the bunk watching the scenery until she heard Derpy raise her head and give a small grunt.

She tumbled out of the bunk and hovered, trying to get her bearings. Karyn looked at her tangled mane and her eyes that were still filled with sleep.

“Mornin’” Derpy said, scratching her flank with a hoof.

“Good morning to you, sleepy head.”

Derpy looked out the window. “I think we’re nearly there. The end of the line.”

“So I finally get to know where we’re going?”

“Take a look.”

Derpy went off to attend to her own toilet, and Karyn felt the train slow down. It was her sense of smell that tipped her off first. A salt breeze came faintly into the train.

“The ocean?” Karyn said, but there was no response.

They were pulling to a stop when Derpy came out. Karyn had pulled her bag down from the rack over the objections of Smash, who had wanted to carry everything by himself. He was contented with hauling Derpy’s luggage.

“Well, this is our stop,” said Derpy. “Welcome to Mountauk Point beach.”

Karyn looked over where they were. Just across the tracks was a boardwalk, and beyond that was a spreading expanse of white sand, cresting in dunes and slanting down to the water. Small waves lapped at the beach and kept the slow rhythm that the train had had as it came to a stop.

“This is what we’re doing?” she said.

“Yeah. You don’t like the beach?”

“I love the beach. It’s perfect. Let’s go.”

Next week: the beach and what happens there!

19: Beach Derpy, There On the Sand

They were able to get a prime location right by the entrance to the boardwalk and just on top of the slanting hill down to the water. Derpy spread a large blanket over the sand and anchored it deep with a stomp of her hooves.

“OK, now I get why we had to take the night train. You wanted to get here before the crowds.”

Derpy sat down and looked at the water. “That’s not the only reason. One time, once, I took a day train. That was when I saw it. Before the end of the track—five miles before it, I guess—there’s a sign that says, ‘Road ends – five miles.’ The sign is old and yellow, and it’s in a particularly barren spot. No trees, no houses, nothing. I don’t know why, but it gave me this vague, disquieting sadness. Maybe I do know. The railroad goes all over Equestria. Through hundreds of cities and towns. It’s so busy and loud and moving. And then I see that sign and that empty place, and the sign’s saying that it all ends soon.

“It’s the same reason I don’t like to look at this rail station.”

Karyn looked back, but Derpy kept her eyes on the waves. Karyn saw what she meant. The roof of the white building had a tall slant, and a section overhung the end. Next to it, the track had a metal guard to keep trains from falling off. The whole thing was like a wall beyond which nothing could pass. It was an unnatural sight to see railroad rails just stop. She turned around and did not look again.

They had no beach chairs, so Karyn spent a few minutes digging out a kind of seat in the sand. She was still lying down, but could at least see the ocean without crunching her chin into her chest. After a few minutes, she heard a muffled rumbling and scraping sound.

“Is that thunder?” she said. “I don’t see any rain clouds.”

“Naw, they wouldn’t have a thunderstorm in prime beach weather. It’s just them.” Derpy pointed a hoof.

Karyn looked down the beach and saw a team of two pegasus stallions pulling an odd cart behind them on the sand. She couldn’t tell what it was for until they passed. On the back of the cart, she saw a metal grate with spikes on it. Above it was a hopper of fresh sand that was spread below. Any object or trash that was a few inches below the surface was pulled onto the grate and carried along.

“They come by every morning to do this,” Derpy said. “It’s just like back home, where we have to move the clouds into position and otherwise manage nature. If we don’t do this, the sand will wash away into the sea or get caught on the wind and blow into town. It’s not like on Earth where everything works by itself.”

“Actually, beach erosion happens on Earth too. And they do put a lot of effort into stopping it.”

“But I thought that you don’t have to do things on Earth like run the leaves or wrap up winter.”

Karyn contemplated. “Yeah, there’s some things we don’t have to do, but it’s different. In those cases, if you don’t do them, things stay the same. The leaves stay on the trees, the snow stays on the ground. In this case, if you don’t make the effort, things get actively worse. That’s the same on Earth.”

“Oh,” said Derpy.

The rumbling faded and rose as the scraper made its way down the beach and back. Karyn sat back and ignored it. She never thought of beaches as having ends that someone could go back and forth over like a lawn mower. Beaches were supposed to go on forever.

“Maybe it does, and they just have more teams down the beach,” she muttered to herself.

After a half-hour or so, during which she and Derpy just sat and watched the waves, Karyn realized that the rumbling had stopped. She glanced behind her.

She had never seen a beach like that. They were always either pockmarked with footprints—or hoofprints, in this case—or smoothed by the water. This was sand that was flat but dry. It looked like a tasty white cake.

An elderly unicorn walked by a few minutes later. His horn was glowing, but Karyn couldn’t see any result of the magic. She asked Derpy about it.

“Oh, I’ve talked to him,” Derpy said. “He’s using a metal detection spell. It can tell when something’s buried in the sand. Usually it’s just a tin can or something, but once in a while he finds something like a ring that somepony dropped.”

“Ah. A good hobby, and he can make money.”

“How?”

“Well, if he does find a ring, he can sell it,” said Karyn.

“Oh, no. He makes every effort to find the owner in that case.”

Karyn stared at him for a moment. Not everything about Equestrian beaches was the same.

Other ponies started arriving, setting up their own blankets and chairs. A few stares were directed at Karyn, but nopony said anything. It was a perfect day and, for the time, everyone there was content to just relax and look at the waves.

The sound of the breakers combined with the rocking motion started to have a relaxing, almost hypnotic effect on Derpy and Karyn. They watched the wind catch the water and churn it, saw it turn over, sometimes folding from one end to the other. Karyn played a mental game where she tried to predict whether the next wave would go farther up the beach than the last one. When they finally petered out, they would be pulled back to the ocean.

The waves went silent for half a minute, when finally a huge one crashed on the shore and foamed up to within inches of the blanket. Karyn chuckled to herself. “That one almost got us,” she said.

“Huh? Yeah.”

“What were you thinking about?”

“Nothing much,” said Derpy. “I really like to just come here and turn my brain off, you know? Veg out. Relax. Meditate.”

“Yeah, that makes sense.”

Their peaceful reverie was shattered a moment later when a young foal came charging up the beach toward the water. She had rubber swim aids on all four of her legs, and when she dived into the water, she was held up by them. She must have thought that this was the funniest thing ever, as she splashed and laughed while kicking her legs.

Karyn smiled at seeing the little filly so happy. She thought of something. “Hey, Derpy?”

“Yeah?”

“Do any sea ponies live around here?”

“Any what now?” asked Derpy.

“Sea ponies. You know, live under water, helpful as can be, like that?”

“Excuse me? Where in Equestria would you get that idea? Ponies who can live in the sea? That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.”

“OK, you don’t have to jump down my throat,” said Karyn.

The filly’s mother had come by and was playing with her in the water. She climbed up on the mother’s back and they swam further out where they could float without being tossed about.

“Are there any lifeguards here?” asked Karyn.

“Of course,” said Derpy, pointing. “Right there.”

Karyn looked up. Far in the distance, what she had thought was a bird turned out to be a pegasus in a striped shirt with a whistle. “That’s no fun for him,” she said. “On Earth, lifeguards get to sit in tall chairs and watch the water. When they’re not saving lives, they get stared at for their bodies.”

“Oh, yeah. Lifeguards have good bodies here too. But I’m sure he’s having fun. He gets to fly all day. That’s fun enough for me.”

“Although, it’s good to have him up there where he can get to ponies quickly. When I was very young, I would go to the beach with my mother, and she liked to swim way far out in the ocean. It always unnerved me. I was so afraid that she was going to drown and the lifeguard just wouldn’t be able to get there in time. If indeed he would notice one woman out that far going under and not coming up.”

“Why didn’t she swim closer, if it bothered you?” Derpy asked.

“I’m not sure I ever told her. Every time she came back, and I forgot about being scared.”

The conversation faded, and the two girls laid back and relaxed until Derpy declared that she was going to the concession stand for refreshments. She asked what Karyn wanted, but got a noncommittal answer.

Karyn, now alone, looked around her. Ponies were arriving in droves now, families mostly, but a few young ones that she thought of as teenagers, even though she wasn’t exactly sure how pony ages worked. A few yards off, some ponies were driving poles into the sand and setting up a volleyball net.

Karyn watched the game with interest. The strange part was seeing them staying on all fours until the ball came their way, then rearing up on their hind legs to hit it. It made for some funny moments if a pony wasn’t expecting the ball to come his way. More than once, returns were made with a head. Karyn wondered if they had spare volleyballs in case some unicorn accidently punctured it.

When the ball was spiked in her direction, she got off the blanket and tossed it to the pony nearest. “Thanks. You want to play?”

“Are you sure?” said Karyn. “I wouldn’t want to mess up the teams.”

“Nah, we never worry about that. Ponies come and go all the time. In an hour, it’ll probably be twenty-three-on-eighteen or something like that. We set up the net in the morning, and the game goes pretty much all day.”

“Sounds fun.”

“Cool. My name’s Skeg, by the way.”

“Keg? Like to drink beer out of?” said Karyn.

“No. Skeg,” he said, emphasizing the s, “like the fin of a surfboard.”

Karyn followed the young stallion back to the play area.

“You want to serve?” he asked.

“Sure. Where’s the out-of-bounds line?”

“It’s wherever the last pony is standing.”

Karyn gave an underhand serve that was returned to their side, but a pony at the front spiked it for a point, so she got to serve again.

“Hey, Skeg?” she called.

“Yeah?”

“What’s to stop the other side from just all crowding up by the net, so that any serve I make goes out of bounds?”

“Well, that wouldn’t be any fun,” he said.

The other ponies nodded and looked at her funny. But the answer made sense. She served again, but lost the point. Everyone moved around.

They didn’t announce the score, and Karyn was uncertain if they indeed kept score. Each point was a game unto itself, even if it only lasted a few seconds.

After a few points, she looked back to the blanket to see Derpy, hooves laden with pop bottles and other goodies, moving her head with a confused look on her face. “Over here!” Karyn called, and Derpy saw her.

“Come on over and play with us!”

Derpy trotted over. Though she was rather older than all the stallions and mares involved, they welcomed her. One pony ducked under the net so that Derpy and Karyn could stay on the same team, while not overloading one side.

After a few points, Karyn whispered to Derpy. “Hey, let’s try something. Next time the ball comes to me, I’m going to hit it as high as I can. You fly up and get a good spike on the ball. It’ll be fun!”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, come on!”

The moment didn’t come the next point, or the next, but soon after, Karyn got a clean look at the ball. With her best technique, she hit it with all her might straight up. Derpy leaped in the air and flapped her wings. She put her hooves together like she was swinging an axe, and hammered the ball toward the sand.

On the other side, a unicorn casually pushed it forward with his magic, redirecting it to land on the other side.

Karyn was about to say something, but she realized that if one pony subspecies used its special talents, so could another.

“Whew. That was fun,” said Derpy.

“We lost the point, though,” said Karyn.

“It was still fun to hit. I’m going to go cool off with a swim. See you guys later.”

“Actually, I’m going to duck out too and have a drink.”

They left the game and headed back to the blanket, where Derpy made a right turn and headed for the ocean. Just before the water line, she turned back to Karyn.

“Don’t worry,” she said. “I won’t swim out too far.”

Karyn rolled her eyes and went back to the blanket. She found the refreshments that Derpy had picked up. Beginning to sweat, she opened one of the soda bottles. It was ice cold and cherry flavored.

“Sweet!” she said, her lips puckered. “But that’s good.” She turned to the little bag of cookies, but held off on eating them.

She sat back down and scanned the water. Derpy was out among the waves, sitting in the ocean and letting them crash over her head. Karyn dug in Derpy’s bag and found the book that she had brought in case they got bored. She pulled it out and started to read, but kept getting distracted by Derpy’s laughing and screaming. She got up and walked toward the water.

She plopped down next to Derpy.

“You’re just like a child here,” she said.

“It was some of my best memories when I was a filly. My daddy would take me to the beach whenever he could. Not too often, but that’s what made it so special.

The dialogue between them was cut off by a tall wave. They held their breaths, but once their heads came up, Derpy went right back to her childish squealing.

“You’re crazy,” Karyn said, “but at least we’re cooling off.”

After another wave, Karyn thought of something. “Hey, Derpy? Did you bring any towels?”

“No.”

“How do you dry off then?”

“Mostly from the sun,” Derpy said. But as she stood up, she repeated, “Mostly.” She shook her body violently, splashing Karyn over the head.

“Ack!”

“Go on, try it!”

“I’m not sure it works if you don’t have fur,” said Karyn. She stepped up out of the water and did a twist-like dance. “Yeah, I’m pretty much still dripping.”

“Well, the blanket’s thick enough. I don’t mind if it gets a little wet.”

Despite the permission, Karyn stood up and let the sun hit her for a minute or two before sitting back down. Feeling the water evaporate off her tickled a little, but the warmth was so enjoyable that she didn’t care.

“One more thing to do to make the beach experience complete,” said Derpy.

“Oh, what’s that?”

Derpy had a happy smile as she rooted through her bag. “Aha! Got it!” She pulled out a small metal pail and shovel and held them up to the sun, where it backlit them.

“Sandcastle?” said Karyn.

“You got it!”

“I bet you’re the kind who can make a fancy castle that even puts Princess Celestia’s to shame. You probably know the precise formula for getting the perfect sticky sand.” Karyn said.

Derpy cleared out a flat circle, then trotted down to where the sand got wet and shoved the bucket in, filled it with the shovel, and tamped it down with her hoof. Back by the blanket, she slammed it down and gently lifted the bucket. “There!”

“Really? That’s it?”

“We can make more, though. And take one of the cups we had for the soda and use it to make towers and turrets and such.”

“OK, whatever you say,” said Karyn.

It had been a long time since she had played in the sand, and even when she was a child, never found it that entertaining. But the contact high she got from Derpy made it worth it, as Derpy went back and forth to fill her pail and provide water for Karyn’s sand.

“Try to get one little cupful on top of the center castle, right there! Yeah!” said Derpy. Gently, the sand rose. Derpy continually spread out more until they had a couple of square feet loaded with upside-down bucket shapes made of sand.

“I think that’s good enough,” Derpy said.

“It looks very nice.”

“It does, doesn’t it? OK, ready to begin?”

Karyn looked at her. Derpy was focused on the sandcastles. “Begin? I thought we were done.”

“Come on, all that was the set up. Now the fun begins!”

Derpy lifted up a front hoof. With a glint in her eye, and with all the force she could muster, she stomped down on the nearest sandcastle. She was slightly off-center, and a thin side of it remained standing for a moment before collapsing under its own instability. Derpy stood back to reveal her hoofprint in the sand.

“Missed it a little. I’m out of practice,” she said. “Never mind, I’ll get this one dead center. Hya!” She leaped in the air, gave herself a little boost with wing power, and slammed down on another castle. This time the whole thing exploded and collapsed at the same time, kicking sand everywhere and leaving a volcano-like crater after she withdrew.

Karyn was dumbfounded. “Really? This is why we made all of these? To smash them?”

“Of course! Go ahead, try one!”

Unsure of herself, she removed one of her flip-flops and put her foot gingerly on one of the castles. She could feel the graininess of the sand.

“Don’t just push down,” said Derpy. “Go for height. Really stomp that thing.”

Karyn put her foot back down and leaped in the air. When she came down, the castle gave way and her foot was encased in cool, wet sand. It was squishy and felt to her like compressing a thick cushion.

“OK, that was a little fun,” she admitted. “Come on, let’s do more!”

They systematically destroyed all of their handiwork. A few other ponies gave them funny looks, but mostly they ignored them. At last, the only one left standing was a four-pail cluster decorated as fancily as they could manage.

“Why don’t you go ahead, Karyn?” Derpy said.

“No, this was your idea. You take it.”

“Are you sure?

“Yeah,” said Karyn.

Derpy stared, focused, leaped. She hovered in the air, centering the castle beneath her, then in a single moment, she snapped her wings back to her body and spread her legs. She plummeted and belly-flopped onto the castle, then rolled over onto her back laughing.

“That was nuts,” Karyn said.

“Yeah. But definitely the highlight. Come on. Let’s pack up and shower off. The train back is coming soon.”

They shook off everything as best as they could, but the blanket and things still had sand sticking to them. It was worth the tradeoff, though, since everything had that wonderful beach smell coming off it. Up by the boardwalk were the showers, and Derpy showed Karyn how to use them by pulling a long chain. The water kept flowing until some mechanism raised the chain back up.

“Do me a favor, Derpy?”

“What’s that?”

“Turn your back. I got sand inside my bathing suit and I want to wash it out.”

“I don’t mind,” said Derpy.

“But I do. I know that you walk around naked all the time, but I can’t get used to it. Besides, you have your tail to cover up all your private bits.”

“My bits aren’t private. If you want me to buy something, just ask and I’ll tell you if I can afford it.”

“Not your coins,” said Karyn. “Never mind. Just humor me.”

Derpy shrugged and turned while Karyn washed up. Once that was done, they headed across the boardwalk to the station.

“I’m glad you’re like me,” said Karyn.

“What do you mean?”

“The train’s not due for another half-hour. We probably could have spent more time on the beach, but we’d both rather get here quickly and wait rather than do everything at the last minute.”

“Oh, sure,” said Derpy. “That only makes sense. It’s never any fun to run for a train.”

“Well, since we have so much time, I’m going to use the little fillies’ room before it gets here.”

Derpy put the bags down and sat on a bench. She hummed idly to herself until Karyn reemerged. But instead of coming over, she waved Derpy over.

“Come check this out!”

“What is it?”

“They’ve got some building plans posted here,” said Karyn.

Derpy trotted over, wondering what could be so interesting in building plans. On the wall of the ticket office, she saw them. The paper was headed with the notice that Princess Celestia had approved funds to renovate the Mountauk train line and station. Times of suspended service were listed below.

“I see,” said Derpy. “They’re closing down and limiting service next week. It’s a good thing we came now.”

“Not that, look at the drawing of the new line.”

Derpy saw the simple draft of how the new line would look. Two tracks, instead of one, would run all the way from the next junction point. It would enable them to run more frequent trains. Her eyes followed the road from west to east, before finally. . .

“Huh,” she said.

“Exactly,” said Karyn. “The road won’t just come to a stop anymore.” The picture showed that at the end of the line, they were building a balloon loop to turn the trains around. “They’ll probably even take down that depressing sign. The road won’t end in five miles, or anywhere else. This isn’t the end anymore.”

“It’s the beginning,” they said together.

They waited for the train in silence. They were the only first-class ticket holders who had gone that far out, and they had the entire car to themselves for the first few stops. Pulling the curtains wide, Karyn could see the countryside through the window in a panorama.

They passed through a tourist town filled with antique shops. “Ooh, we should have stopped there,” said Karyn. “I would love to pick up something from old Equestria.”

“We can look next time. Most of the stuff is just weird, even for me. Or too big for you to carry, like furniture and lamps.”

The train next took them back along the shore. Tall grasses held the sand dunes in place, and a footpath ran along. The water was low and flat and had no waves here.

“I’m surprised that they don’t need a sign to protect the dunes,” said Karyn. “On earth, there are always warnings about keeping off them.”

“Why would a pony want to run on the sand when there’s a path set up for them?”

“Oh, they wouldn’t. I was talking about a sign that told ponies not to eat the grass.”

Derpy laughed. “Oh, Karyn. We’re not such slaves to our stomachs. Everypony knows that that grass is the only thing keeping the sand and the path from being washed away, so they wouldn’t eat it. Even if it does look awfully tasty.”

Soon after that, they pulled into the first major junction. Derpy flew off her seat and pointed. “Karyn! Do you see all those stone blocks? Those have got to be the ties for the new extension. I wish I could come and see them building it.”

“Maybe you should apply for the long-distance mail route.”

“Oh, if I had to fly all the way out here, forget it. My wings would fall off before I got halfway.”

“That would be no good,” said Karyn. “If your wings fell off, you’d have to join the railroad builders and swing a hammer all day.”

After the train pulled out of that station, it started to build speed. They advanced into a forested area, where trees zipped by at lightning speed. Karyn tried to spot some of the trees, but everything became a mesh of leaves and broken sunshine.

All at once the forest ended, and they were thrown onto a bridge over a gorge. Derpy heard Karyn’s sharp intake of breath, and she smiled. Thousands of feet below, a river meandered through like a shining blue snake. The sides of the gorge were painted in mineral deposits and shadows as the river had worn away the rock over uncounted years. Trees and bushes dotted the landscape, and occasionally, on the rock walls, a brave weed struggled toward the sun.

“I’m always impressed with this part,” she said. “I wanted you to see it like this, not knowing that it was coming. That’s why I had us take the day train back.”

Karyn was speechless. She just watched.

When they finally reached the towns and cities, Derpy said, “Look at the track next to us, going the other way. No matter how much of a blur all the surroundings become, that rail always looks the same.”

Karyn focused, and saw what she meant. The steel, long since polished to a mirror finish by the wheels of the trains, gave the illusion of stillness among the movement.

“It’s one more thing I love about the train,” Derpy continued. “Kinda symbolic, you know? Everything moves, but the rails hold steady.”

“I guess. I think I still feel the motion somewhat. It’s definitely going to be perfect once that loop is complete. It’ll mean that Equestria is always moving, that there’s always something new to do, something more to see. The ponies here will keep going, forever.”

The speed of the train and the calming effect made the time go by fast. Before they knew it, they were pulling back into the Ponyville station, hustled off so that the train could go on to Canterlot.

“Well, that was that,” said Derpy. “What did you think?”

“Well worth it. I think I’m going to have to get a part-time job here to save bits to do that again.”

“Can it be part time when you’re not really spending time?”

“I don’t know, Derpy,” said Karyn. “But speaking of which, I do have to be getting back.”

Derpy found the spell to take Karyn back to Earth. After she was alone again in her room,

Karyn wished that there was a train to take between the worlds instead.

Author's Notes:

Next week:

“It’s hard to believe that the summer’s more than half over already,” she said.

“Yeah. So what are we doing this fine day anyway?” asked Derpy.

“I figured we could relax a bit and have a picnic.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Yeah?”

“How long have we known each other now?”

Derpy looked up. “I don’t know. Four, five months maybe? Why?”

“It’s the first time I’ve seen you, on Earth, for an extended period of time, since I came home from school. And I still can’t get over it. You being real. Ponies being real. Equestria and everything. I just never thought that I would really get to see magic or meet you or any of that.”

Be sure to read it!

20: Cat on a Hot Tin Derp

Karyn thanked her mother as she grabbed the car keys from the rack by the door. If she took additional time to start the car, to the tune of an invisible pony getting in the passenger side, no one noticed.

“It’s hard to believe that the summer’s more than half over already,” she said.

“Yeah. So what are we doing this fine day anyway?” asked Derpy.

“I figured we could relax a bit and have a picnic.”

Although she couldn’t be seen, the movement of the seat belt gave away Derpy’s reaction. “Really? Just a picnic?”

“Well, for the most part,” said Karyn. “You see, there’s a park we can have it in, and there should be a nice spot where just about no one goes. So we can chill out and chat like we used to do in my dorm.”

They drove along what was nominally a highway, but stores were all along the road and cars constantly turned in and out. There were even stoplights. Karyn pulled into one of the parking lots in front of a convenience store.

“Do you trust me to pick up the food and such for the picnic?” she asked.

“Of course I do,” said Derpy.

“Is there anything in particular that you’d like to have?”

“Maybe some alfalfa?”

Karyn unbuckled and got out of the car. “I think that could be a tall order, but I’ll see what they have.”

Derpy busied herself by playing with the climate control and radio knobs, then fiddling with her seat. Karyn’s parents had some fancy features in their car, and Derpy found endless enjoyment moving the seat up and down. When another car pulled up, and the person getting out did a double take at the seat moving on its own, she stopped.

Karyn finally returned, bags in hand.

“Well, there was no alfalfa, but they did have this. It’s probably left over from Easter, so I don’t know how good it is.”

She handed Derpy a small plastic bag labeled “Edible Grass.” Derpy was confused for a moment, then saw that it was some kind of candy.

“Strawberry flavor?” she said.

“Yeah. It’s probably just spun sugar. You should brush your teeth when you get home.

Derpy stared at the bags. Something was off, but she couldn’t quite place it. There was a finger-snap, and she said, “Hey, what gives?”

“Wait, how did you make that sound?” asked Karyn. “You don’t have any fingers to snap.”

“Never mind that now, this is important. Maybe a crisis!”

“What’s the matter?” Karyn slowed the car.

“We don’t have a basket. How can we have a picnic without a basket?”

Karyn resumed speed. “Well, in the first place, I have picnics so infrequently that I didn’t think it was worth it to buy one. In the second, while it is tradition, I felt that the camaraderie was more important than the carrying equipment. And in the third. . . “

“Yes?”

“I didn’t want to have it stolen by a bear.”

Derpy took a pregnant pause. “Is that really a problem around here.”

“No. Inside joke. Never mind.”

They arrived at the park and headed up the pathway. Ahead of them was an imposing structure.

“What’s that thing?” said Derpy.

“A slide. . . sort of. There are an awful lot of playgrounds around here. You see, the town management of this park changes a lot, but they never bother to get rid of the old stuff. This thing, for example. You climb up there like a regular slide, but then it has rollers to carry you down. You’ve got to be a little careful, and not stick your fingers in the rollers or get your hair caught.”

“I want to try it!”

“OK, just once though.” Karyn watched nervously as the rollers spun by themselves, hoping that Derpy would follow her advice and not get her tail caught. Soon enough, she heard Derpy’s voice next to her again.

“That was fun.”

“In many ways you’re still a foal at heart, aren’t you?”

“Sure. You’ve got to be,” said Derpy.

They moved on down the path. To the right of the slide was a large pond, and the walkway curved around it. Every few yards would be another playground ride or a bench. A few people sat on the benches and threw bread to the ducks and geese on the pond.

At the far end of the lake, the path forked in two. Karyn indicated the right-hand way. “Down there is a true picnic area with tables and barbecues and such. But we’re heading this way.” And they continued to skirt the water.

Opposite from the roller slide was another tall piece of metal in the shape of a rocket ship. “A lot of these things probably wouldn’t get built today,” said Karyn. “All playground equipment has to be made of plastic and rest on ground-up rubber tires so that kids don’t fall and hurt themselves. And this one must be twenty-five feet tall! No way you could have that now. Someone could fall all that distance.”

She pointed out the three level floors that separated the rocket into four sections. An ordinary, straight slide extended from the third one up.

“I remember the first time my folks took me here, I was too scared to climb higher than the second level. I really wanted to go on the tall slide, but I couldn’t make it. Then once I was brave enough for that, the top section frightened me even more.”

“I don’t think I’d be afraid,” said Derpy.

“Um, with good reason.”

“Exactly. I’m tough.”

Karyn decided not to belabor the obvious, and they moved on.

At the far end of the path was a tall tree with spreading leaves, and beyond that was a meadow. When they left the path, they could just see the entrance to the park across the pond.

“Now, if we stay here, no one should come bother us. There’s nothing beyond this, and no reason for people to come down here. In fact, if we want to hide behind that tree, you can probably even go visible.”

Karyn set up a picnic blanket while Derpy fiddled with her spell. Soon they were sitting and looking at the trees and birds. Off in the distance, they heard a few children playing, but other than that, there were no indications of civilization at all.

Karyn opened the bags she got from the store. She passed Derpy a plastic container of potato salad. Derpy eyed it a little oddly, but dug in.

“Mm! This is really good!” she said. “What’s in it?”

“Well, potatoes, obviously. And mayonnaise and vinegar. It’s probably the vinegar you’re tasting.”

“Vinegar, huh? I don’t use that much in cooking. What is it, exactly?”

“Well, it’s. . .” Karyn stopped. “It’s just vinegar, you know. It’s an ingredient.”

“Yeah, but what’s it made out of?”

“I honestly don’t know. I just go to the grocery store and buy it. Or my mom does. Or, like now, it’s in something that I’m eating. It’s probably something made from grain. Wheat? Probably, we use a lot of wheat in this country. I mean, they have fancy ones, even some from apple cider.”

“Ooh, I’d like that.” Derpy licked her lips in remembrance of the last time she had cider and tried to picture what the combined taste would be.

“But the regular white vinegar that’s in this, I don’t know what is. Sorry,” Karyn said.

Derpy had eaten most of the potato salad by herself, so Karyn compensated by monopolizing the macaroni salad. They shared cheese sandwiches, though, and relaxed.

“Hey, Derpy?”

“Yeah?”

“How long have we known each other now?”

Derpy looked up. “I don’t know. Four, five months maybe? Why?”

“It’s the first time I’ve seen you, on Earth, for an extended period of time, since I came home from school. And I still can’t get over it. You being real. Ponies being real. Equestria and everything. I just never thought that I would really get to see magic or meet you or any of that.”

“It’s a little bit like that for me too. Don’t forget that, before Lyra started experimenting, nopony believed in humans. We should go give her a gift or something for introducing us.”

“Maybe we should,” said Karyn.

Derpy started to clean up some of the trash. “So what made you think of that just now?” she said.

“Oh, nothing really. You know what they say, sometimes you just have to stop and smell the flowers.”

“You do?” Derpy stood up and walked off the blanket. The field they were in was mostly buttercups and dandelions, and Karyn thought that there wasn’t much to smell. Derpy seemed to enjoy it, though, and she bit off one of the dandelion flowers. “Tasting them isn’t a bad idea either,” she said.

“It would be for me. Although I think dandelions are edible. In any case, I like them more when they turn into puffballs. I think that they’re designed to make you want to blow them away and spread their seeds. They’re like evolutionary bubble wrap.”

“Bubbles?”

Karyn perked up, afraid she had insulted her friend, but Derpy was just confused as usual. “OK, let me try to explain,” said Karyn. “I learned this in high school, so I might not remember it perfectly. See, most trees and flowers, and of course animals, need two of whatever it is to reproduce. And that way they mix their genes and improve over time. But dandelions reproduce the same flower every time. They’re hardy enough that they don’t have to improve. Now, when they turn into that puffball, probably the wind would be enough to let it populate a field, but they also have people around who just think it’s fun to blow them all over. So we help with their evolutionary niche.”

“I get all that, but what does it have to do with bubbles?”

“Oh, well, I’ll have to show you that later. Bubble wrap started as a way to keep stuff from breaking, but then people found it was just fun to pop.”

Their idle conversation was interrupted by a rustling in the bushes. Both of them panicked, and Derpy dove for her invisibility spell. Their worry was assuaged when they saw that the disturbance was too small to be a person. From out of the foliage a tiny ginger cat walked. It stopped and looked at the two of them.

“Aww, it’s a kitty cat,” said Karyn. “Come on, little puss.” She motioned at it to come over to them. The cat just stared, as if it knew that the gray pony was out of place there.

Eventually it sniffed the air and cautiously advanced. Karyn wondered if it might be hungry. “Aww, you want something to eat? We don’t have any cat food, but maybe you like salads?” She put some of the salad they still had onto a plate and pushed it a few feet away. The cat walked over and started nibbling. Karyn could see that, while it wasn’t particularly enjoying the food, it was undernourished and thin.

Derpy had not said anything, and backed off a few feet when the cat began eating.

“You don’t like cats?” said Karyn.

“It’s not that. I don’t particularly care about them either way.”

“Oh, and you’re probably worried about touching a stray. Yeah, we really shouldn’t. It could be diseased, the poor thing.”

“Huh? It’s sick?” said Derpy, backing off even farther.

“Can’t say for sure, but it does look like one eye is swollen shut.”

“I have a spell for that!” said Derpy. “After you came to Equestria that one time and were sick, Zecora talked to Twilight and we got concerned about Earth diseases, so they worked up a curative spell.”

“Really? That could be incredibly useful.”

“Actually, she said it doesn’t so much cure as ‘expel foreign bodies,’ whatever that means. Twilight always talks in more words than she needs to.”

“It probably means that it wouldn’t work on allergies or broken limbs or such,” said Karyn. “But try it on the kitty and see what happens.”

Derpy pulled out the spell. She was about to put her hoof into the slot, when Karyn said, “Actually, can I do this one? You’re around magic all the time, but I still get a little thrill out of working it myself.”

“Sure! I can understand that. Even a pegasus like me understands that.”

“Do you think the unicorns will get jealous that you can fly and cast spells now?”

“There’s no reason for them to,” said Derpy. “If it really comes down to it, there are spells to let everypony fly. But go on, use it. If the cat’s hurting, there’s no reason to wait.”

“Oh, right.” Karyn found the contacts of the spell. It was still difficult for her to use her hands for an object designed for hooves, but she turned them and a green light came out of the front. She pointed it at the cat like a flashlight. It was skittish, but its eye cleared and opened, and it seemed to understand.

Once the spell was finished, the cat mewed and advanced. “I guess it’s all right to pet you now,” said Karyn. She stuck her finger out and the cat sniffed it cautiously. It moved its head to let her scratch its mouth. But quickly it moved on and hopped toward Derpy.

“Hey, don’t cuddle up to me!” she said. “Karyn’s the one who fixed you.” But the cat could not be deterred. It walked around Derpy’s hooves, rubbing itself against them and purring.

“I think he likes you,” said Karyn.

“Shoo! Go back home!” Derpy cut herself off. “I guess you can’t, huh? You don’t have a home to go back to. Can’t you take him, Karyn? Adopt him as a pet?”

“No way. My folks would have a fit if I brought a stray cat home. That’s the kind of thing that I might have done ten years ago and gotten away with it, but I’m supposed to be a responsible adult.” She took a deep breath. “I guess we could take him to a shelter.”

“They’ll take care of him there? The same way Fluttershy does?”

“They will. . . for a little while. Maybe even find him a good home. But if there’s no one who wants him, well, there are an awful lot of homeless cats in the world. Sometimes they have to put them down.”

Karyn was always wary about Derpy misinterpreting idioms and euphemisms. But from the look on her face, Karyn knew that she had been understood.

“No, we can’t let that happen!”

“I know how it feels. It’s awful. We can’t save every cat.”

“No, but don’t you see?” said Derpy. “We’ve made it worse. Maybe this cat would never have had a chance, but now we cured it. It might not be sick, but it’s still hungry, and it’s going to be tired and cold and get hungry again. He’s not happy, and now he’s got to live even longer unhappy.”

“That’s if we let him go. At the shelter, well, he’ll be kept comfortable. And there’s always a chance.”

Derpy stared at the little ball of fluff. It was hunting through the bag for anything else it could gnaw on. Carefully, she reached for it with her hooves. As she picked it up, it jerked a little, but didn’t fight. She held it out away from her and looked it in the eye.

“There’s only one thing for it,” Derpy said. “I’ve got to take him back to Equestria.”

“What?!”

“There must be somepony there who’s willing to take care of him and not put him down. He’s just too cute to die.”

“Are you sure that’s all right?” said Karyn. “I mean, I don’t want to get you in trouble.”

“He’s not so different from an Equestrian cat. Probably nopony will even notice the difference. He’ll find some nice girl cat and settle down.”

Karyn took him from Derpy and set him down on the sheet. She took Derpy aside and whispered to her, even though no one was around. “Are you really sure about this? Like I said, no matter what you do, you can’t save every cat on Earth.”

“I know. But I really am sure. I know it sounds cruel when I say it, but I care more about this cat than every other cat on Earth, because he’s right here in sight, you know?”

They both turned back around to look at the cat. He had curled up on the sheet and closed his eyes.

“All right, Derpy. I’ll trust you. I just hope everything works out for the best.”

Derpy reached into her bag and pulled out the usual return spell. She cradled the cat in her hooves, trying not to wake him. With as little movement as possible, she hopped into the air. There was a flash of light and the cat was gone. Derpy was still there, and Karyn tilted her head in confusion. “What happened?”

“Oh, hey. Good to see you again,” said Derpy.

“Again? Is this another time concept? How long were you back home?”

“A couple of days. Why?”

Karyn shook her head. “That doesn’t make any sense. Every time you go home without me, time keeps passing here. Why didn’t that happen this time?”

“But whenever you go, you come back at the same time. It doesn’t matter where you go, only where you start from.”

“I’m not sure that works, but never mind. What happened to the cat?”

Derpy immediately perked up. “Little Muffinhead? He’s resting comfortably at home.”

Karyn slapped her forehead, then wiped her hand slowly down her face. “You kept him? And named him Muffinhead?”

“Yeah. I did shop him around to a few ponies, but none of them were really interested. I thought of Fluttershy, but she was on a long weekend trip. When she finally got home, I brought him around to see her. Well, of course she agreed to take him at once. I passed him to her and washed my hooves of the whole thing. I was getting ready to come back when I heard a scratching at the door. So I went all the way back to Fluttershy’s cottage and dropped him off. She said that she didn’t know what had happened, that he’d seemed fine just running around with all her other animals. So again I got ready to come back here, but then I was tired, so I laid down for a nap. When I woke up, there he was, curled up and nestled under my wing. So I stopped fighting the obvious.”

“But you didn’t even like him.”

“I know, but he does so many funny things! Like, OK, he was walking across the room, right? And out of nowhere, for no reason, he does a roll. Like this.” Derpy put her right foreleg under her body, and kept moving in an odd three-quarter somersault. “Only a lot more graceful. And then he just kept on walking like nothing had happened.

“Oh, but I’m not sure that we fixed the problem with his eye. I don’t think he has any depth perception. See, he climbed up on the windowsill, you know? You remember the sill, it’s big enough for a cat to sit. But then birds flew by and he runs to the edge like he thinks they’re going to be trapped by the border. Then once they’re gone, he waits until more birds fly the other way and does the same thing backwards.

“And one more thing. I’ve got blankets all over the house, yeah? And whenever I’m in the room, he’s content to hop up on the blankets and stare at me. But once I leave, he’ll go under. I’ll come back in the room and there’ll be a big lump in the middle of the blanket. So I just pet him through there. I think he likes to be petted.”

“Looks like you’ve got a new friend,” said Karyn.

“I do? I have a new pet and a new friend? Who is it?”

“No, I meant that Muffinhead would be the friend. You’re probably going to have to stop coming to see me so often since he’ll be at home needing you to take care of him.”

Derpy flew toward Karyn. “No! He’s a survivor. If he can make it out here in the fields, he’ll be fine in my house. I’ll leave the food where he can get to it and by the next time I’m here, I’ll have installed a cat flap in the door.”

Karyn walked over to the remnants of the picnic. “I guess he got to you. Like I said, a cat’s designed to steal your heart and make you love him. Come on, let’s go home.”

“Why? Is it going to rain? Are ants going to come? Is something going to ruin the picnic?”

“No,” said Karyn. “I’m just afraid that there’ll be a stray dog hanging out in the bushes.”

Author's Notes:

Coming soon, more slice-of-life-tastic non-action!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know we’re normally all fun and games, but today I need your help.”

“Oh? What do you need?”

“Well, what happened is, back in Ponyville there’s this big charity event going on.”

Karyn smirked. “Why? Does town hall need renovation again?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Do you remember when we went to the beach and made sandcastles?”

“Of course,” said Karyn.

“Now we can have the same fun at home!” Derpy took the measuring cup of flour and turned it over.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I still don’t know how you do that so well without hands or fingers,” said Karyn.

“You sound like Lyra. She and that other human are always playing finger games. But manipulation isn’t difficult. You just grab and push."

Be sure to read it, same time next week!

21: Derpan Hines Baked Goods

Although she had no idea how to accomplish such a thing, Derpy tried to emerge into existence quietly and unnoticeably. She was still nervous about being discovered by Karyn’s parents when she teleported into her house. She silently said to herself that she would be glad when Karyn returned to school.

“Good morning, Karyn,” she whispered.

“Don’t worry, Derpy. The folks aren’t here. The whole house is empty.”

Derpy let loose, spread her wings, flopped on the bed, and spoke with greater projection. “Whew! That’s good to know! Now I can relax. For a moment at least.”

“What do you mean, for a moment?”

Derpy held up a hoof. “Two, one, there. Moment’s over. I know we’re normally all fun and games, but today I need your help.”

“Oh? What do you need?”

“Well, what happened is, back in Ponyville there’s this big charity event going on.”

Karyn smirked. “Why? Does town hall need renovation again?”

Derpy missed or ignored the slight. “No, nothing like that. But there’s always a few ponies down on their luck, or maybe they’ve had a new addition to the family and need a few bits to tide them over. So once a year we have a week where everypony helps out.”

“Sounds great. Where do I come in?”

“Part of it is a bake sale. I help out with it. I always have. But up until now, I’ve always had Dinky around to assist me. It’s a lot of work for one pony to do, and work is always lessened with more hooves. Or hands.”

“Say no more,” said Karyn. “When do we leave?”

Derpy spread her wings invitingly, and Karyn hopped on. Minutes later, they were entering Derpy’s house. As she opened the door, Derpy stomped hard on the welcome mat.

“Are our feet dirty?” asked Karyn. “I’d better wipe mine as well.”

“No, it’s not that, come inside quick!”

Karyn finished wiping just in time for Derpy to grab her and pull her inside, slamming the door closed just ahead of an orange streak moving at about nine-tenths the speed of light.

“Muffinhead has been trying to get out of the house without me,” Derpy explained.

Karyn reached down to try to pet him, but Muffinhead skittered behind Derpy’s hooves. “Hey, last week you were scared of her and all over me. Now you’re the opposite?”

Derpy flew up, leaving the little cat exposed. “Come on, it’s Karyn. She’s a friend.” She picked Muffinhead up and put him down near Karyn’s feet. He sniffed cautiously, then rubbed his head against her shoes.

“There, she’s coming around,” said Karyn. “All right, from one muffin to the next. Let’s get baking.”

“Huh?”

“Baking the muffins.”

“I’m not making muffins,” said Derpy. “We’re making éclairs.”

Karyn was taken aback. “Oh. Sorry, I just assumed. I don’t know how to make them, though.”

Derpy’s expression changed quickly from irritation to elation. “Well, that’s fine! I’ll walk you through everything, and before the day is out, you’ll be as good as me.”

Karyn followed her to the kitchen. It still had that imperceptible newness, and Derpy had kept it spotless. However it was organized, Karyn could see no pattern, but Derpy cheerfully went from pantry to cabinet to drawer, pulling out equipment and ingredients and setting them on the table.

“All right,” she said. “Let’s get measuring! We need a cup of flour first.” She dumped flour into a measuring cup and tamped it down with her hoof. She closed one eye and added a bit more.

“Shouldn’t we turn on the oven first?” asked Karyn.

“Oh, yeah. Can you take care of that?”

“What should it be on? Four-fifty?”

“Four-fifty?!” said Derpy, looking frightened. “I can’t imagine how hot that would be. No, just seven or eight is fine.”

Karyn looked back at the dial. Instead of temperature markings, there were only ten lines to indicate how hot the oven was going. She shrugged and turned it halfway between the seventh and eighth line.

“All right, good. Now the sugar. Want to do this one? Just a quarter cup.”

Karyn dumped a little bit of the clumpy confectioner’s sugar into another measuring cup. “I think that’s about right.”

“No, you’ve got to be sure! Baking is all about getting the measurements exactly right. That’s why I like baking as opposed to cooking meals. If you know the right proportions, you’re guaranteed a good meal.”

“Hmm. . . maybe that’s why, when I do cook, I don’t like baking. I’d rather do things by eye instead of by math,” said Karyn, but she carefully pushed the sugar down into the cup and added a little more until it formed a perfect flat top.

“Hey, Karyn, do you smell something?”

“Yeah, it smells like gas.”

Derpy flew over and turned off the oven. “You didn’t light it! This is my fault. I forgot to tell you about that. A lot of ovens light themselves, but not this one.”

“So how do you do it?”

“You just use a match. But don’t do it now. We’d blow up the kitchen. Let’s let it vent first.” She opened the window and flapped her wings to fan out the gas. Despite Derpy’s acceptance of blame, Karyn felt as though she had failed her. She tried to make up for it by being as careful as possible in measuring out the milk, butter, and vanilla.

“OK, let’s try this again. Go ahead,” said Derpy. “Matches are in the drawer next to the oven.”

Karyn found the box right where Derpy indicated, and she took out a match. She was stymied, however, when she found nowhere to strike it.

“Um, I’ve got a little problem here. How do I light this?”

“Oh! You can’t do it. Allow me.”

Thankful that she was finally off the hook, Karyn watched Derpy deftly turn on the gas, take the match in her mouth, and then run her hoof across it like wiping her lips with a napkin. The match came alight and she stuck her head into the oven. In a moment, there was a puff of flame in the chamber below. Derpy pulled her head out and shook it, dousing the match.

“There! Now, let’s get back to the mixing. This is the fun part.” She brought out a huge crockery bowl and a wooden spoon. “Do you remember when we went to the beach and made sandcastles?”

“Of course,” said Karyn.

“Now we can have the same fun at home!” Derpy took the measuring cup of flour and turned it over. It slowly slid out into a shape vaguely resembling a castle, and she attacked it with the spoon. “It’s not exactly the same. If the recipe called for brown sugar, then you’d get some real action.”

“I do suppose.” They mixed the dry ingredients before adding in the eggs and liquids. Derpy stirred constantly, and had Karyn pour slowly.

“Everything in baking is about getting things to meld perfectly,” said Derpy.

“I thought it was all about proportional measurement.”

Derpy looked up and stopped stirring for a moment. “It’s about both. That’s the one key.”

Karyn shook her head and kept pouring. When they finally had the batter, Derpy piped it through a pastry bag onto cookie sheets. They each picked up one, but as they reached the oven, Derpy paused.

“The oven really hasn’t had a chance to fully heat up yet. Let’s go in the living room for a few minutes.”

They sat on Derpy’s sofa and made idle conversation. Karyn was excited to be going back to school soon, and Derpy was happy about that as well.

“It’s odd how the schedules work. Dinky will be coming home for a visit soon,” said Derpy.

“Hey, that’s great! I’ll get to meet her.”

“I’m sure she’ll like that.”

Just then, Muffinhead came tearing into the room. He skidded to a halt in front of Derpy and meowed loudly.

“What is it?” said Derpy. “You can’t go out now. We’re busy.”

He kept screaming and pointing toward the kitchen.

“You have food already. I’m not going to give you a treat until tonight.”

Muffinhead ran toward the entrance, drawing the girls’ attention. Smoke was billowing around the edges of the door.

“Oh, no! What’s going on?” Derpy trotted toward the kitchen.

“No!” Karyn grabbed her. “It could be on fire! We should get out.”

Derpy scooped up Muffinhead in her hooves and followed Karyn to the door. From outside they could see the smoke in the window, but as yet no flames were visible.

“Does Ponyville have a fire department?” asked Karyn.

“I don’t know. I’ve never had to find out. Here, hold him.” There was a garden hose attached to a tap on the outside of the house. Derpy handed Muffinhead to Karyn and sprayed it in the window, but the smoke kept coming.

“If only there were some way to shut it off!” Karyn was struggling to keep Muffinhead from getting away.

“Oh, my Luna! I completely forgot,” said Derpy, “There’s an emergency gas cutoff switch in the basement.” She ran behind the house, and a moment later there was an audible click. In a few minutes the smoke stopped.

They went back into the house, and Karyn was relieved to be able to let Derpy’s cat go. “Well, everyone’s safe, at least,” she said.

“Yeah, and the batter’s even still good.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t know,” said Derpy. “But this oven’s awfully old. I was planning to get a new one eventually, but I kept trying to stretch it out a bit longer. If I had to take a guess, I’d say that the gas line got loose and some sort of muck got in there and it started smoldering.”

“Can you fix it?”

“No. I mean, I could try, but I wouldn’t be sure if the repair was right, or if it would hold. I’m just going to have to bite the bridle and get a new one.”

Karyn sat down at the kitchen table. “But that doesn’t help us right now.”

“No, and the charity bake sale is tomorrow. We can try to find another oven, though. Let’s see if Pinkie Pie will let us use one of the ones at Sugar Cube Corner.”

“It’ll be nice to see her again. I mean, a little bit of Pinkie goes a long way, but at the same time, I do miss her.”

******************************************

The aroma upon entering the bakery hit them at the same time as Pinkie’s voice. “Well, hey! If it isn’t my favorite pegasus-human team. What can I do for you? Simple baked goods, or you want me to throw a party together quick?”

“Actually, Pinkie, we’re hoping that you can help us out of a jam,” said Derpy.

“Out of a jam? But you’re not in a jam. I can put you into one. Maybe a nice apricot jam, although that’s really more of a preserve than a jam—“

“Ugh, Pinkie, you know that I’m talking about a problematic situation. It’s really annoying when somepony takes a perfectly ordinary expression and fails to understand it.”

Karyn coughed. “An expression like, ‘That’s the pot calling the kettle light-sapphire-bluish-gray’?”

“Exactly.”

Everyone, human and pony, just stared for a while, then Pinkie said, “So what’s your problem?”

“We were getting set to bake the éclairs, when the oven exploded,” said Derpy.

“Maybe exploded is too strong a word,” said Karyn. “But it’s definitely out of commission.”

Pinkie frowned. “Gee, girls, I wish I could help. But the fact is that all the ovens here are in use for the bake sale too. I’ve got everything scheduled down to the minute.” From behind the counter came a ding. “That means I have to take out the cookies and put in the cake! Or was it take out the cake and put in the cookies? Well, whichever comes out, I’ll put in the other. Excuse me, please!”

Derpy and Karyn headed outside. “Well, what do we do?” said Karyn.

“I don’t know. I’ll just have to explain everything to the ponies running the sale. They’ll probably tell me that they have plenty. But I’ll be disappointed all the same.”

Karyn looked at Derpy’s puss-face. “I guess there is one oven that we can use.”

“Huh? Where?”

“At my folks’ house.”

Derpy’s look changed from depression to confusion and then to elation. “You really mean it? You’d let me take all my stuff there?”

“Yeah, but remember, we’ve got to leave it exactly as it was before. They can’t know about it.”

They hurried back to the house where Derpy loaded up her saddlebag with cooking equipment. Karyn held the batter steady as she mounted. As they prepared to go, Muffinhead came in and mewed softly.

“No, you can’t come,” said Derpy. “You’ve got to stay here for a few hours on your own. You can handle that, right?”

He turned his head slightly, and Derpy took that as a yes. They vanished and reappeared on Earth.

“All right, let’s try to work quickly,” said Karyn. “How long to these things take to bake anyway?”

“Well, with éclairs, ‘low and slow’ is the rule. About eight hours.”

“What?!”

Derpy stuck out her tongue. “Just kidding! An hour, maybe, with cooling included.”

“You are so mean.”

They repositioned the pastries on the baking sheet as Karyn started the oven, silently thinking that she preferred to just turn a dial to a temperature rather than starting it the way Derpy’s oven did. That triggered another thought.

“Hey, Derpy? Did I mess up the oven when I didn’t turn it on right? I’m so afraid that I’m the one who broke it and almost burned you out.”

“No, it wasn’t you. Almost certainly wasn’t you. It was just old. Things break.”

She sat down at the kitchen table and fiddled with a bowl of wax fruit.

“I remember when I got that oven.”

“Huh? It didn’t come with the house?” said Karyn.

“No, I brought it with me specifically. I had a lot of attachment to that oven. If anything, that’s what did it in. Moving from one house to another. Something probably went screwy in the move. Trust me, I know about things breaking in a move.”

Karyn smiled and put a hand on Derpy’s foreleg.

“Anyway,” she continued, “I had it since Dinky was little. Whenever I had a baking day then, we would sit around and she would help, or try to. I tried to instill a love of baking and cooking in her.”

“What is it about the baking? And the muffins?”

“Huh? I don’t know. I guess I just like doing it. The smell and the tasty treat you get afterward. Don’t you have anything that you like but you can’t explain it?”

“Probably, yeah.”

Derpy stood up. “Anyway, let’s get to work on the filling. Oh, and the chocolate too, we can’t forget that!”

They put together more ingredients, whipping and mixing. Karyn let herself go and forgot about the cleanup to come.

When the oven dinged, Derpy went back to her saddlebag. “Now, for the secret advantage that makes my baking what it is. The cooling rack! Baking is all about having a good cooling rack.”

“I thought it was all about blending. And before that, all about measurement.”

“It’s all about a lot of things, OK?”

Derpy set up the cooling racks on the counter and deftly transferred the éclairs onto them. Then she mixed the cream filling and sliced the pastries open.

“I still don’t know how you do that so well without hands or fingers,” said Karyn.

“You sound like Lyra. She and that other human are always playing finger games. But manipulation isn’t difficult. You just grab and push. Anyway, you want to do the filling?”

Karyn took a small spatula and spread the cream in between the éclairs. While she was doing that, Derpy was preparing yet another bowl. Karyn noticed her putting her hoof to her mouth every so often.

“Hey! I see you sneaking that chocolate,” she said. “Do you want to run out before we get these done?”

“You caught me. But I was deep in thought.”

“About what?”

Derpy stared at the oven and the stove. “Melting chocolate is tricky. You can burn it if you’re not careful. Ideally I’d want a double boiler for it. But I’m going to cheat. Promise not to tell anypony?”

“Sure, but that’s an easy promise to make. I’m not even going to be there.”

Derpy reached into her saddlebag. “This spell was supposed to be for an emergency, like if I got caught in an arctic wasteland or if the windigoes came and I had no one to be friends with. Twilight probably wouldn’t like hearing that I used it to heat up chocolate.”

“Oh, I get it. Yeah, I’ll keep it under the rose.”

“That’s fine, just don’t lift up the rose later.”

Soon the chunks of chocolate in the bowl were sweating and turning into a sticky mess as Derpy moved her heat-spell all around like a magical blowtorch. With another spatula, she spread it on top of the éclairs.

“Good, there’s plenty left in the bowl,” she said. “You want the first lick?”

As they washed dishes and put the kitchen back together, Derpy was still looking distracted. Karyn thought of something clever. “A bit for your thoughts,” she said.

“Well, now that we’ve gotten these baked, everything about the oven breaking is finally starting to hit me.”

“It’s going to be a lot of money to fix, huh?”

“Nothing I can’t handle. But it goes beyond that. I have a lot of fond memories of that oven,” said Derpy. Then she chuckled to herself. “Sometimes actual fond memories, like the time I burned a casserole.”

“Am I missing something?”

“The word ‘fond’ can also mean the charred parts of a meal that you use to make gravy with.”

“Derpy, you’re really smart. I don’t know where you got the reputation for being less intelligent than the average pony. Heck, you’re more intelligent than the average human.”

“I’m not intelligent. Just experienced. Anyway, even if you didn’t bake, didn’t you ever have something of yours that you couldn’t bear to give up?”

Karyn closed her eyes. “When I was young—really young, I mean, like before I even went to kindergarten—I had a quilt. I probably had it since I was born, or at least since I was sleeping in a bed instead of a crib. I’m sure at one point it was new, but as I remember it, it was always old, pilled, and with half the stuffing missing. My mother wanted to buy me a new one, did buy one at one point, but I refused to let it go.”

“Then you understand. It’s the comfort of the familiar. But a quilt can’t break down entirely like an oven can.”

“No, but eventually I had to get rid of it. Or, at least, stop using it. I think it’s still in a plastic bag up in the attic.”

They scrubbed the kitchen clean, finding different surface cleansers that Karyn hadn’t even known existed. Finally, everything was done and the éclairs were finished cooling.

“Well, I guess I’d better be getting back,” said Derpy.

“Can I come with for a bit? We should probably clean up your kitchen as well.”

“Sure, no problem. I’ll need you to carry the tray anyway.”

Back at Derpy’s house, the smoke had coated the walls and ceiling of the kitchen with greasy blackness, and the two friends had a hard time scrubbing it off. Karyn was spelling Derpy by sitting on her back while she hovered just below the ceiling when she heard the doorbell ring.

“Now, who could that be?” asked Derpy.

“You’re not expecting anypony?”

“No, not that I remember. I’d better check my calendar. No, I always clear Sundays to spend with you.”

She trotted to the door, keeping an eye out to make sure her cat didn’t escape, and opened it. Pinkie Pie was waiting for her.

“Hey, Derpy. I stopped by earlier, but you weren’t here, so I peeked in your window to see if you were here, but again, you weren’t here, so peeking in the window didn’t show you, but I did see your kitchen when I peeked in the window because that’s the window you left open and you told me how your oven broke and I saw all the damage it did and—“

“Pinkie?”

“Yes, Derpy?”

“Breathe.”

“Right, I always forget about that.”

Karyn walked in from the kitchen. Always wary of Pinkie, she kept her distance, but smiled and waved. “What’s up?”

“Well, since, as I was telling Derpy, I saw that the oven had baked its last cake, I realized that you needed a replacement. Take a look outside!”

Derpy and Karyn went to the window. There on the lawn was a shiny new stainless steel oven. It was festooned with special features like digital timers and convection settings, and it had a much more modern, curved design compared to the defunct one still in the kitchen. But both of them looked at Pinkie. Surely she couldn’t intend this as a gift?

“Of course, you don’t have to buy it, but since we have a lot of ovens at the bakery, we can get it for you at wholesale price.”

Derpy ran over and hugged Pinkie. “Thank you. I’ll definitely find a way to buy it.”

“But Derpy,” said Karyn. “What about everything we were saying about the comfort of the familiar?”

“How do things get familiar? They all have to start off new sometime. It’ll take some time for the new oven and I to get to know each other, but some time in the future I’ll find enough room to love both my old oven and my new one. I know it, because it came from a friend, so there’s a tiny seed of friendship inside already.”

All three of them helped move the oven inside.

22: Derp at the Museum

Karyn packed her purse, a frown on her face. She picked up her makeup case from her vanity and realized that she had forgotten to cross off Saturday on her calendar. Every day in the summer, she had counted off the weekdays to her excursions with Derpy. Looking around for her red Sharpie, she added the X and then drew a circle around the present date. Then she tacked on a slash.

“Come on, Karyn!” yelled a voice from downstairs.

“I’m almost ready, Mom!” she called back. She looked at her clock. Derpy normally came around this time. If she picked this day to be late, Karyn would be gone.

She watched the second hand of the clock sweep toward the top. As soon as it passed, she turned her back and walked toward the door. Once she had closed it, she thought she heard the telltale sound of Derpy’s appearance.

She rushed back in. Derpy had a smile on her face, and she opened her mouth for a greeting, but Karyn cut her off.

“Hey, Derpy. Go ahead and turn right around because I can’t play with you today. In fact, any second now my mom’s going to yell at me again for dragging my feet.”

“But you’re not. You’re standing still.”

“Aww, that’s what I’m going to miss today. I’d rather deal with your linguistic peculiarities that have to spend hours being bored out of my skull.”

“Why do you have to do that?” asked Derpy.

“Because my parents have insisted that we have some quality time together as a family this summer, which—“

She was cut off by another yell from downstairs. “Come on, Karyn! We’re going to hit traffic.”

“Ugh. Which apparently for today means visiting an art museum.”

Derpy brightened up even more, which Karyn didn’t think was possible. “That sounds great! I’d love to see what human art looks like.”

“No, you don’t. It’s really boring. I’ll see you next week.”

Karyn shut the door behind her. Derpy looked around and heard a woman’s muffled voice say, “Who were you talking to up there?”

Derpy sighed and opened her saddlebag. In the first slot was the universe-hopping spell. She trotted to the window. In the driveway below, Karyn was slouching toward the back seat of the car. Derpy saw Karyn’s parents for the first time. They had dressed up for the occasion. Karyn herself was wearing dress slacks and a blouse that looked too hot.

Derpy reached into the bag.

Karyn huddled against the side of the car door wondering if her parents would rebuke her for turning on her portable music player, or indeed if they would even notice. She felt the car go over a bump and contented herself with lying down and watching the power lines dance up and down. From up front she heard her father say, “I hope this car isn’t breaking down.”

“Why would it?” said her mother. “It’s only three years old.”

“Yeah, but it’s got this little miles-per-gallon indicator, and it just dropped by six.”

Karyn put two and two together, casting her memory back to the time that Derpy had taken an unticketed flight. She looked up through the rear windshield and was happy to not see anything. At least she’s staying invisible this time, she thought.

She considered whether or not she could get Derpy in the car and talk to her with the Bluetooth trick. She could roll down the window, but the air conditioning was on, so that was sure to bring a lecture about wasting energy. Then, even if Derpy realized the window was open, Karyn wasn’t sure if she could fit through, or if she would want to risk it. If she made it inside, there was then the worry about holding an extended conversation with visible details that might give away the trick she was using.

But what clinched it was the worry that, even if they completely believed she was talking on the phone, her parents might still come down on her for disrupting family time.

Other idle thoughts occurred to her, like tapping Morse code on the ceiling of the car, but that was even sillier than the first plan. She settled in to watch the scenery again, trying to think of how Derpy would be seeing it.

They had left the suburbs and entered the outskirts of the city. They drove along a road that reminded Karyn vaguely of the town at Mountauk beach with the antique stores. Soon enough, though, her mother used the handheld GPS to direct them onto a side road, and now they were in the section of town where the museum was.

It was clearly a neighborhood that had put a few architects’ children through college. No building looked like a building. Everything was abstract sculpture that you could happen to fit people in. A lot of white stone or concrete was used, and in the late-summer sun, it made the whole area extremely bright. Karyn squinted to avoid being dazzled.

They pulled into the parking lot of the museum, and Karyn finally got a look at their destination. This too was a tour de force of money-wasting features, as the outside was cluttered with hanging gardens and water features. The building itself, where it wasn’t gleaming pure white, was reflecting the sun through blue-tinted windows. A sign outside proclaimed the museum’s carbon-neutrality.

Karyn still didn’t want to call attention to Derpy’s presence, but when she got out of the car, she felt the soft touch of a wing in her hand.

The four of them walked into the museum and past the prominently placed gift shop up to the ticket window. Karyn’s father grumbled a little when he saw the prices.

“You didn’t know how much it was?” said Karyn.

“Not really,” he replied. “I just saw this place in a local guidebook and it said that it was moderately priced.”

The woman who sold them their tickets said, “We also have the option of an audio tour. You wear these headphones and when you push the button on the side, the nearest exhibit’s explanation comes through for you. It’s all wi-fi based.”

“How much more for the headphones?” Karyn’s father asked.

“They’re complimentary. We just ask that you leave your driver’s license as collateral.”

They made their way into the gallery proper. The whole presentation was an eclectic mix of many famous artists, and the first room had simple portraits and landscapes. Karyn stuck with her parents through a few paintings, but began moving faster than them. Since everyone’s headphones had to be activated by the user, she could pretend that she turned hers on first and lost interest.

Finally she had enough separation from her folks that she could whisper to Derpy. “I really don’t know how people can do this,” she said. “How do you look at a painting for five minutes? It doesn’t change, it doesn’t start moving, it’s the same painting that you saw. Are they trying to memorize it or what?”

“I don’t know, I think they’re pretty. I guess that people keep noticing new details to the paintings as they look.”

“I could understand that if I actually owned one of these and had it around the house. After I looked at it hundreds of times in passing, I might see something new. But all this is just boring.”

Karyn looked around at the people walking around the gallery. She was surprised to see how many of them were older folks, but there were also a few who had the stereotypical look of the art aficionado—thin, glasses, and odd clothing. She had to cover her mouth to avoid chuckling when she saw a couple wearing matching berets.

She moved on to the next room, keeping Derpy with her. “That’s another thing that bothers me,” she whispered. “There’s this whole air of pretension. I can’t help feeling that all of these people are saying to themselves, ‘We understand this, and that makes us better than the people who don’t.’ Especially when that’s me.”

“What does it matter?” said Derpy. “I don’t understand most of it either. Like this one. Why’s that guy just standing there with a pitchfork? And why is he so unhappy? But if someone else gets it, good for them.”

Whether it was because her parents caught up with her or because she didn’t want to argue the point, Karyn shrugged and let it pass.

Derpy flew up above the action, which let her enjoy the effect by which the portraits’ eyes followed her wherever she went in the room, even up. But she refused to be distracted. She could tell how awful a time Karyn was having, and wanted to do something to make it better for her. She racked her brain.

When Karyn managed to detach herself again, Derpy swooped down on her. “Hey, if it helps,” she said, “try to imagine all the paintings as if they were of ponies. Or, for the landscapes, Equestrian ones. Like this one. See all the stars, and that tower on the left? Imagine that it’s Princess Luna in there raising the Moon for the night.”

“Thanks, Derpy. That does help a little. What’s really frustrating is that we have to be so hushed. I mean, I have to do that to hide you, but everyone is talking in whispers and shuffling. It’s a really annoying sound.”

Derpy listened. To her, it wasn’t annoying. She figured that Karyn was determined to not have a good time.

“Have you ever been to a museum in Equestria?” asked Karyn. “What’s pony art like?”

Well, Derpy thought, if she can’t be happy, I can at least distract her. “It’s a lot simpler. Most of the time the focus is on the pony in the portrait, just by themselves. Or, there’s a famous painting of Canterlot Castle I’ve seen, and it’s all alone against a blue sky. Even Canterlot town is just a blur at the bottom. But no, I haven’t toured a museum like this. Just seen a few traveling art shows.

“Although, most painters are unicorns. They’re the ones with the most precision for the brushwork. I actually like sculpture better. Pegasi and Earth ponies are more involved with that.”

“That’s cool. I think there’s some sculpture in the next room over. Let’s go check it out.”

Karyn was glad to get more distance between her and her parents. The sculpture room was less crowded than the painting rooms, and it had several reproductions of famous pieces.

“Karyn? Why are so many of these sculptures not dressed? Did humans used to go naked and just started wearing clothes all the time?”

“No, it’s just the way that artists do sculpture. I think it’s something to do with exploring the beauty of the human body or something like that. Or maybe because it’s easier to get a round shape like a muscle than something all random like a shirt and pants.”

“They’re pretty though,” said Derpy. “Maybe you should take off your clothes more.”

“Yeah, that wouldn’t work out well.”

They approached another nude sculpture of a man. Derpy let out a snort that gave a slight echo throughout the room. A few heads turned in Karyn’s direction, and she had to look embarrassed and apologetic.

“I know what you’re looking at,” she said, “but don’t be fooled. Sculptors always make them smaller than real life. If they were life-sized, they’d be more likely to break off.”

Derpy accepted that and moved on. At the last sculpture before the door, she said, “Now, this I like.”

It was a statue of Joan of Arc astride a horse waving a banner. “Yeah, that’s nice,” said Karyn. “Could use a pair of wings, though.”

“Like you said, they’d break off easy.”

“You’re probably right. Well, that room wasn’t too bad.”

They passed through the wide door to the next section, and both of their jaws dropped. “OK, here I can see what you’re complaining about,” said Derpy. “Is this supposed to be a joke?”

“No, this is abstract or avant-garde art. Here’s where the really pretentious people come.”

They made their way quickly through the paint-splotches-on-canvas, works with names that had nothing to do with what they looked like, and sculpture that seemed to be random junk thrown together.”

“I heard a story once, don’t know if it’s true,” said Karyn, “that during one of these exhibits the cleaners threw out the sculptures because they thought it was junk.”

They had reached the end of the gallery, and Karyn could see her parents still a few rooms behind. They found a padded bench facing a painting that took the full length of the wall and pretended to look at it.

“That’s the other problem with this whole thing. I’ve got to stay on my feet the whole time. Why don’t they put all the stuff at waist-height and let us sit the whole time?”

“My wings are a bit tired too,” said Derpy. “I’ll stand for a little while and just move out of people’s way if they come around.”

“Heads up, Derpy. Here come the wardens.”

Karyn’s parents had caught up and were looking at the last of the artwork. If they had any complaints about the oddity of the pieces, they didn’t say anything.

“Well, Karyn?” her mother said. “How did you like it?”

“It was. . . interesting. Yeah, I think I really learned a lot.” She tried to put sincerity in her voice.

“Was there anything that particularly made you think?”

Why don’t you just give me a test when we get home? she thought. “Well, I did really like the statue with the horse. Is it true that how many hooves they have in the air indicate how the rider died?”

“I don’t think that holds,” Karyn’s father said. “Anyway, let’s get some lunch. All this culture is making me hungry.”

They found the museum’s café, and he took the opportunity to grumble about the prices again. For Karyn’s part, she wanted to get the meal over with as quickly as possible. In the first place, it meant getting home sooner. In the second, she wasn’t sure how Derpy would react to her parents eating, since it was sure to include some meat.

As they ordered, Karyn limited herself to a salad and gobbled it down as quickly as possible. She excused herself from the table.

“Are you sure?” her mother said. “We’ve barely chatted.”

“Yes, but I really want to see the garden outside. Take your time and meet me out there.”

She threw away her dish and got out as soon as possible.

The garden was carefully tended and had flowers in many primary colors. She found a secluded spot where she could talk to Derpy again.

“Now this is much nicer,” she said. “Why can’t they just use all this space for a garden like this and get rid of all the art?”

“But, Karyn,” Derpy said, “all those artists who made that stuff, even the really weird or really bad stuff, probably really cared a whole lot. I mean, I’m not the most creative pony, but I know that anything I do make I put all my heart into it.

“In any case, I’m glad I came with you, and I’m glad that your parents made you go. I think it’s great that you can have all this art in one place where anyone can come and see it. Even if it is expensive.”

“Now you sound like my father.” Karyn smiled. “And speak of the devil.”

“Why should I do that? We don’t even really have devils in Equestria. Not among ponies at least, although I believe that there are certain griffin sects that—“

“No, it’s just an expression meaning that someone about whom you were having a conversation is showing up. Which my father is doing. As in, hush up until we can get back to privacy.”

Karyn’s parents emerged from the museum, scanning all around to try to find her. She got up from her garden seat and waved to them as she closed the distance.

“Are you ready to go?” her father said.

Am I finished with my penance? At last! she thought, but out loud she said, “I guess so.”

They got in the car, and Karyn opened the back door wide for a few seconds so that Derpy could ride inside this time. They still couldn’t properly speak to each other, but Karyn kept her hand on her wing or hoof the whole time.

There was very little conversation during the trip, even between Karyn’s parents. When they got home, Karyn asked, “Is it OK if I take the car back out? I’ll put gas in it, I promise.”

“Where do you want to go?” her mother asked.

“Just back down to the park for a bit. It’s still light out.”

“All right, but don’t stay out too late.”

She sped to the park, unnerving Derpy slightly. “Well, now we can at least talk, but I really want to get someplace where I can see you.”

“All right.”

When they got there, Karyn fast-walked, almost jogging, around the duck pond to the secluded area behind the trees. Derpy appeared, and Karyn’s expression brightened.

“Ugh, I don’t know what it was about that whole place, but this was definitely up there with the worst summer days I’ve had. I’d really rather just be here. You’re prettier than any of those art pieces anyway.”

Derpy blushed. “Aw, you don’t have to say that.”

“But it’s true. Sometime I should show you some of the drawings that humans do of you. They’re really good.”

Derpy was looking intently at Karyn. “You know, jumping back a point, I think I might know why you were so unhappy today. Other than just being dragged someplace by your parents. Let me ask you something. If they took you to a classical music performance, or an opera, would you have dreaded it as much?”

Karyn put her finger to her mouth and thought about the question. “I don’t know. Maybe not. Why?”

“I remember when Dinky was young, one of her teachers called me in and told me that there are three kinds of ponies. Well, obviously, there’s earth ponies and unicorns and pegasi, but that’s not what she meant. She said that some ponies think visually, some think by listening, and some are tactile. Of course, everypony does each of them a little, but there’s always an order. Anyway, I figure the same could be true of humans. You’re definitely not a visual person. It’s why you don’t mind too much when I go invisible. A lot of people would have problems with that. My guess is that you’re more tactile. The way you kept one hand on my wing the whole time is what makes me think that. But even listening is something you enjoy more than seeing. I’m the same way. With all my eye issues as a filly, I’ve had to rely on my other senses.”

“I guess that makes sense. Do you think that if I had explained it that way to my folks, they would have let me get out of it?”

“It’s possible. I really don’t know them that well. But if you’re really so averse to spending time with them, you should preemptively pick out stuff to do that gets over with faster.”

Karyn walked around the meadow, burning off nervous energy. “This might just be a difference between humans and ponies. Or maybe just you, because you told me how awesome your father is. But for us, people my age pretty much always rebel against their parents, and the parents almost always try to hang on to the kids too long.”

Derpy looked down and said nothing. The two of them just sat in the meadow for a while until the mood lightened. The park was emptying out for the night, and Derpy used her invisibility spell again so they could sit on a bench and watch the ducks and swans.

“Well, I guess I’d better be going home,” Derpy said.

“Yeah, me too.”

“I’m sorry that I couldn’t make the day any better for you.”

Karyn turned toward the place where Derpy’s voice had come from. “Don’t feel bad. We all have to have our bad days. And I’m sure that you did make it better. Or, not as bad at least.”

Derpy warped to Equestria, and Karyn drove back home. Her parents were sitting in the living room watching TV. She waited for a commercial to come on.

“So, listen. Thanks for taking me to the museum and all, but maybe this week we can hit a movie instead? Or just go out to eat?”

“Well, we did want you to get some culture. You can’t sit in your room and just watch those cartoons over the internet,” her father said.

Karyn felt her blood heat up, but she took a deep breath and swallowed an argument.

“It doesn’t have to be so stuffy, though, does it? And if the goal is for us to spend time together, then let’s go out to eat or do something where we can actually talk.”

Her father looked like he was about to argue, but her mother cut him off. “Yes, we can do that. It’s a good idea.”

Karyn’s father looked at her, but she said. “Well, I didn’t much like that abstract room either, dear,” Then, turning back to Karyn, she said, “When did you get so smart anyway?”

“I guess I’m just growing up,” she said. Of course I am. That’s why a magical flying pony from another world had to set me straight.

She kissed her parents good night.

Author's Notes:

Forgot about this last time, but here's your preview of next week!

"I’d love to meet her. I’ve met so many of the other Mane 6.”

“The what now?”

Karyn blinked. “That’s right, you wouldn’t know them by that name. The bearers of the Elements of Harmony.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Oh, this was a mistake.”

“Well, let’s not panic just yet. Maybe Twilight Sparkle can help. We always go to her when there’s a problem.”

Derpy perked up. “Yeah, she’s really smart. Let’s go see her.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“All right, it’s nopony’s fault, really, but now that I understand about humans, it’ll never happen again.”

“Well, I suppose that’s all right,” said Karyn.

“I guess I just assumed that you were just a pony that walked on two legs, but you’re not."

Don't miss it; it's got a special guest star!

23: Stareway to Derpen

Before they had parted the week before, Karyn and Derpy had agreed to meet up early in the morning the next time, so as to avoid the trouble of alerting Karyn’s parents to Derpy’s presence or, which would be worse, having one of them be in the room when Derpy appeared. So it was that at daybreak, Karyn, already awake, showered, and dressed, welcomed her friend in only mildly hushed tones.

“How have you been this past week?” she asked.

“Just great. But oh, that Muffinhead.”

“What is he doing now?”

Derpy flew up on Karyn’s bed and posed like a cat. “He stands by the window whenever I’m at work, and as soon as I come into view he tears around the house like I’ve just returned from a twenty-year journey. Then, as soon as we’ve settled down and had dinner, he goes to the basement door and paws at it”

“Wait, you have a basement?”

“It’s really more of a crawlspace, but it’s clean. Anyway, Muffinhead really wants to go down there, but I don’t want to let him so he starts getting insistent, meowing until I open the door. And when it’s finally open, he just sits there and doesn’t go down!”

Karyn laughed. “Maybe you have rats or mice down there?”

“I don’t think so. I’ve never seen one at least. But anyway, I think he just can’t stand a closed door. Maybe he thinks that there’s something cool behind it, but you’d figure that once he’s seen that there’s nothing, that would satisfy him. Nope, he’s right back the next day, pawing and screaming to be let back down.”

“Have you let him out yet?”

“Just once, yesterday. I kept a close eye on him the whole time to make sure he didn’t get lost. But he didn’t try to get away. He just munched on the grass, so I joined him in that,” said Derpy.

“That’s funny. Most humans who have cats, they don’t want them eating the grass. They usually bring it up later on, which damages the rugs. Anyway, it sounds like you two are really growing close. I’d like to see how he’s doing.”

“Just what I was about to suggest. He’ll be so glad that I’m not gone all day. Hop on and we’ll go.”

Derpy jumped down from the bed and knelt down so that Karyn could throw a leg over her back. She wasted no time in teleporting to Equestria and hitting ground. She let Karyn off and they walked at a slow pace toward Derpy’s house.

“I try not to sneak up on him,” said Derpy. “One time I just flew above and landed right on the doorstep. Muffinhead thought that it was some kind of intruder, and he was ready to attack. I think I still have the scratch.”

“You’ve got to remember that he was a stray. He’s not used to trusting people, and it’s probably even weirder with ponies. He grew up without magic, and to his instincts, flying creatures were food, not friends.”

They approached from the side, trying to be as conspicuous as possible. As soon as Derpy opened the latch, the tornado called Muffinhead became visible.

“Yes, little one, Mommy’s home. Aw, who’s a good kitty?” Derpy said as she picked up and hugged the cat.

After she set him down, he bounced over to Karyn and sniffed her. His expression said, “Oh, it’s you again. I suppose that if Mommy tolerates you then so must I, but try not to be around too often and stay out of my way.”

Derpy clopped her hooves on the ground and charged after Muffinhead, who ran around the room as it he were really being chased. Then Derpy found a foil ball and threw it across the room, where he batted it around like a hockey puck. Once it came back to her, she passed it to Karyn and asked if she wanted to try. She waved it in Muffinhead’s face a few times to get his attention, then fired it across the room.

He didn’t move.

Again he shot Karyn a condescending expression. It seemed to ask, “What are you? Stupid? What am I supposed to do with that?”

Once more, Derpy picked up the ball and tossed it, and immediately he went back to his orange streak mode. He made a tight curve around the sofa and lost his balance. Tripping all over himself, he came to a stop at Karyn’s feet.

“Aw, the poor thing,” she said. Hesitantly she picked him up. Whether it was the damage he had suffered or the loss of dignity, he allowed her to cradle him and looked into her eyes. She saw that his one eye remained closed.

“That’s right, we could never fix that. You’re still only a one-eyed kitty,” Karyn said. “No depth perception, so you’ve got to be careful when running around.”

“He’ll be fine,” said Derpy. “I’ll train him in how to walk around with less than perfect sight.”

“I still feel bad for him though. I guess it’s more that he has this puss face that you can’t help feeling sorry for, even though I know that he’s physically able.”

“He’s such an active cat, though. I hope he’s eating enough. He’s still so thin. I want him to put on a little weight so that he’ll be healthy.”

“Yeah. . .” Karyn snapped her fingers. “Hey, why don’t you take him to see Fluttershy?”

“But I tried putting him with her twice, and he kept running away.”

“No, I just mean to see if she can tell you how to best care for him, make him eat, keep him out of trouble with the eye and all.”

Muffinhead started squirming in Karyn’s arms, so she passed him back to Derpy. “That could be a good idea.”

“Plus I’d love to meet her. I’ve met so many of the other Mane 6.”

“The what now?”

Karyn blinked. “That’s right, you wouldn’t know them by that name. The bearers of the Elements of Harmony.”

Derpy still stared at her.

“Twilight, Rarity, Pinkie, Rainbow,” said Karyn.

“Oh! Yeah. I guess they are. You’ve got to remember that all of that was a long time ago. Not that we aren’t grateful to them for saving us from eternal night or pure chaos, but those are old battles.”

They packed up and Derpy took a firm grip of Muffinhead. Once they were outside, Derpy took to the air and hovered about ten feet above Karyn.

“He gets antsy when outside, so if I want to take him somewhere this usually keeps him out of trouble. And if he does get away, it’s not so far that he can’t land safely.”

The walk to the outskirts of Ponyville where Fluttershy’s cottage stood was long, and Karyn thought once or twice about asking Derpy to carry her the rest of the way. She soldiered on, though, and made it with nothing but some sore feet. Derpy came in for a landing and let Muffinhead down. He looked around, but seeing a kind of perimeter in which all the animals stayed, he held his ground. Derpy knocked on the door.

“Just a minute,” came Fluttershy’s soft voice. When she opened the door, she first noticed Muffinhead on the stoop before raising her eyes. “Hello, Derpy. It’s certainly nice to see you again. Is something wrong with—“ she cut herself off as she saw Karyn.

“That’s right,” said Derpy. “You haven’t met. Karyn, this is Fluttershy, Fluttershy, Karyn.”

Fluttershy had taken to the air and backed off. Her friendly look had turned into one of fear. “A h-h-hu. . . “

“Human.”

“Keep your hands to yourself!” Fluttershy spread her wings as if to protect her home and her animal friends.

“Fluttershy, you don’t have to be afraid,” said Derpy. “Karyn’s not mean or harmful at all. We’ve had lots of fun and she’s always been as sweet as can be.”

Karyn knew that Fluttershy was always nervous, but wondered if there was any reason for her strong reaction. Perhaps, she thought, Lyra’s human hasn’t been nice to her. “Please, Miss Fluttershy, I’d like to be your friend. We came here to see if you can’t help us better learn how to take care of Muffinhead.”

Fluttershy advanced slightly, as if believing that no one who cared for animals could be all bad, but still maintained a strong sense of personal space around Karyn.

“All right, come in,” she said. She happily welcomed Derpy and Muffinhead, but took out a disinfectant spray and used it on the end of the couch, then pointed toward it. Karyn took the hint.

“So anyway,” said Derpy, “Muffinhead only has one eye, and while we were playing with him he tumbled into the couch because he can’t see properly. We were wondering if you had any suggestions on how to keep him safe.”

Fluttershy thought about it for a moment. “You’ve got to remember that cats are very independent. He’s going to want to play with you, and if he does get hurt, he’s going to want to lick his wounds on his own.”

“But I can’t stand to see him in pain.”

Just then, Angel Bunny hopped up on the couch where Karyn was sitting. He looked at Muffinhead and backed off, but nestled next to Karyn. She tentatively stroked his fur. Fluttershy watched from the corner of her eye.

“I know you feel that way. I do too, about all my animals. But remember too that he’s a kitten. He’s very rambunctious at this point. Soon enough, another year or two, and he’ll settle down and know his limitations.”

Angel Bunny was sniffing at Karyn’s hand. Perhaps because he had never seen a finger before and thought it was a carrot, or perhaps because he was just a mean rabbit, he bit down hard. Karyn yelped and stood up. Shaking her hand wildly, Angel flew off and landed in the corner.

As Karyn was sucking on her finger to relieve the pain, Fluttershy reacted with horror and flew toward her face.

Her eyes opened wide, her eyebrows arched, and white lines seemed to radiate from her head. Karyn had just become subject to The Stare.

“Excuse me, Miss interloper-from-another-world. You do NOT throw my beloved Angel around the room. I knew that you would be trouble from the moment you set foot in here. Angel might have a concussion, and you’re worried about a little nibble. You’re nothing but a big MEANIE!”

“Fluttershy!” Derpy screamed. “Stop it!”

Fluttershy finally came out of her rage and returned to her normal look. She turned toward Derpy and said, “Oh, my. I’m so sorry. I saw Angel hit the wall and just lost it. You know that I can’t control myself when that happens.”

“Well, you should apologize to Karyn, not to me.”

“Of course. I’m sorry, I—“

Both pegasi looked at Karyn. She had curled into a ball, clutching her knees to her chest. Her skin had gone white. Her pupils and dilated and she was not moving her head.

“Hey. Karyn, you OK?” said Derpy.

Karyn gave no indication that she had heard anything or that she was aware of her surroundings at all.

“Fluttershy, I think you broke her!”

“Oh, my. I had no idea she would react that way. I mean, she’s a human, a monster just like any dragon or cockatrice, and I’ve stared down both of those.”

Derpy shook her head. “Fluttershy, humans aren’t monsters. They’re regular people like you and me. Anyway, un-stare her and wake her up.”

“Un-stare? I’ve never had to do that. I don’t even know what’s wrong with her.”

“Well, what are we going to do? What am I going to tell her parents?”

“You know her parents?” asked Fluttershy.

“No, but if I can’t bring their daughter back, I’m going to have to explain everything to them. Oh, this was a mistake.”

“Well, let’s not panic just yet. Maybe Twilight Sparkle can help. We always go to her when there’s a problem.”

Derpy perked up. “Yeah, she’s really smart. Let’s go see her.”

Fluttershy maneuvered Karyn into a slumping position on Derpy’s back. Grateful for her no-fall spell, Derpy took off and they all headed for the library. She called over her shoulder, “Muffinhead, you stay here and make friends with Angel Bunny. We’ll be back soon enough. I hope!”

The two pets looked at each other. Angel rubbed his paws. Muffinhead looked worried.

The knock that Derpy gave to the door of the library was the kind of rapid, urgent sound that gets people to the door all the sooner. Twilight Sparkle rushed down from her perch on the second floor and threw it open.

“Fluttershy, Derpy. What’s wrong?”

“It’s Derpy’s friend Karyn,” said Fluttershy. “I think I accidentally hurt her.”

“She used The Stare,” said Derpy. “She was afraid that Karyn was hurting Angel Bunny—which she totally wasn’t!—and then Karyn came over like this.”

Twilight poked Karyn’s limp form with a hoof and lifted up her arm, which promptly dropped down. She turned back to Derpy and Fluttershy.

“She’s catatonic for some reason. She had a bad reaction to Fluttershy’s power.”

“Can you bring her out of it?” asked Derpy.

“I can try, but don’t get your hopes up.” Twilight tried a few spells, but none seemed to have any effect on Karyn. She adopted her lecture tone. “The problem is that everypony, even those who aren’t unicorns, has their own kind of magic. Rainbow Dash has her sonic rainboom, Applejack has her strength and endurance, Pinkie Pie has. . . well, you know some of the things she does. And Fluttershy has the Stare. If it were actual unicorn magic, I could analyze it. But since it’s not, it’s much more mysterious.”

Everypony hung silent for a moment, then from up above came a loud and triumphant voice. “A-ha! It seems we have a sleeping beauty! Does she need a kiss from the prince to wake her?”

“Spike!” all three mares yelled at once.

“Sorry,” he said, “I was just trying to lighten the mood.”

“Nice cover attempt,” Twilight said. “We all know that you were looking to get some makeout time with Karyn while she can’t fight back, you creepy weirdo. Now go stalk Rarity or whoever you’re into this week.”

Spike stomped out of the library.

“So anyway, what can we do to fix her?” said Derpy.

“I’m honestly not sure,” said Twilight.” We could call the doctor, but he probably wouldn’t know anything about human physiology. Maybe you could take her to a human doctor?”

Derpy put her hoof to her head and thought about it. Fluttershy said, “Even if you could, if it was something pegasus-related that put her in this state, they wouldn’t know what to do either.”

“If the only way to treat her is to have a human doctor who understands the problem, we’re just going to have to show ourselves to one of them and explain,” said Derpy.

“We can’t do that,” said Twilight. “As callous as this sounds, one person isn’t worth risking our whole world. Princess Celestia specifically told us to keep the human world ignorant of us.”

“But then what are we going to do?! We can’t leave her like this either. Oh, this is all my fault. I’m going to have to drop her off at home and cross my hooves that everything is all right? This is worse than if I had killed her!”

“Derpy, don’t panic!”

“Why shouldn’t I panic? What if she’s in pain and can’t express it? What if she’s going to get worse?”

Fluttershy stepped up. “Twilight, maybe I can calm her down.”

“No!” said Derpy. “Keep your eyes to yourself.”

“I wasn’t going to stare at you. I just want to say that we have a lot of things to try yet. Let’s take her back to my cottage and put her to bed. She might just need sleep or food or some other kind of care. If none of that works, well, maybe then we can start worrying.”

Derpy agreed. Like a funeral procession, they marched through town with Karyn on Derpy’s back. When they reached the cottage, Fluttershy wrapped up Karyn in a blanket and brewed some tea. Karyn didn’t pay attention to it, but at least the steam seemed to warm her up and put color back in her cheeks.

“Twilight, you keep an eye on her for a few minutes,” said Fluttershy. “I have to feed some of my animals.”

When she was out of earshot, Derpy whispered to Twilight, “I really can’t believe how unfeeling she’s being. I still think she doesn’t like Karyn because she’s human.”

“Derpy, she’s not like that, and she’s not being unfeeling. I’ve known her longer and better than you have. She’s beating herself up inside, and the only thing that’s stopping her from showing her emotions is that there’s someone here who needs care. As soon as she comes back, I’m sure she’s going to throw herself into helping.”

When Twilight and Derpy finished that exchange, they looked back at Karyn and saw an interesting lump under her blanket. Twilight was confused, but Derpy immediately recognized it.

“Muffinhead, come out of there! Karyn’s not feeling well.” Derpy bit the blanket and opened it to reveal the ginger cat curled up in Karyn’s lap.

She reached out with her hooves to remove him, but Twilight said, “Look!”

“What?” But then Derpy saw. Karyn’s hand was moving back and forth, stroking Muffinhead on his head. Other than that, nothing was happening. The cat squirmed out from the hand, which just kept moving. He climbed up Karyn’s body and started licking her face.

Her breathing became deeper. She blinked her eyes a few times. She shook her head and woke up. “Oh, Muffinhead!” she said, and kept petting him as he continued to lick her face.

“Karyn, you’re all right,” said Derpy.

Tears were streaming down her face as she continued to fumble with the little cat. Finally she turned toward the sound. “Derpy!” she screamed, and she threw her arms around Derpy in an embrace. Derpy was so surprised that she maintained her balance only by flying up, which brought Karyn to a standing position.

Twilight said, “We’re so glad you’re awake. Fluttershy used The Stare on you inadvertently. What was it like?”

Karyn was still sobbing, and she sat back down. Derpy sat alongside her. “It was awful. I saw Fluttershy’s eyes, and all of a sudden this feeling built in me, like I’d done something so horribly wrong. Like guilt, only ramped up a thousand times. And I knew that I could never take it back, that I’d hurt someone, and that nothing I could do would ever make up for it. And I knew it was wrong, too. It’s like, most people, most of the time, when they do something wrong, they have an excuse to justify it, but I couldn’t latch on to any rationalization. Every time I tried to think, there was a voice saying that I was evil and I knew it. I wanted to kill myself, but even then the voice said that I didn’t deserve to, because it would ease my suffering. I don’t know if the voice was Fluttershy’s or my own.”

“But what about—“

“Twilight,” said Derpy. “Don’t ask her any more questions. She’s been through a rough enough time as is.”

“Yes, all right. But no pony or animal has ever reacted that way. I wonder why she did.”

Karyn recovered a little and took a deep breath. “I don’t know for sure,” she said, “but you’ve got to remember that there are a lot of bad things in the human world, things that we can be guilty of. Our sense of guilt might be tuned higher than yours.”

Fluttershy came back into the room. Karyn cringed a little when she saw her, but didn’t recoil.

“I heard everything,” Fluttershy said, “and I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I had no idea that would happen. If I did, I would have controlled my temper more.”

“No, it’s my fault,” said Karyn. “I shouldn’t have let a little pain get to me like that. I’m so sorry. How’s Angel Bunny? Is he all right?”

“Oh, he wasn’t hurt, not anything like what I did to you. I’m the one who’s sorry.”

“No, I’m just as sorry as you.”

Derpy and Twilight looked at each other. “I guess they’re kind of kindred spirits after all,” said Twilight.

Fluttershy and Karyn kept apologizing to one another until finally Fluttershy said, “All right, it’s nopony’s fault, really, but now that I understand about humans, it’ll never happen again.”

“Well, I suppose that’s all right,” said Karyn.

“I guess I just assumed that you were just a pony that walked on two legs, but you’re not.”

“Exactly.”

Fluttershy brightened up. “You’re more like the cows and the sheep of Equestria. You can talk, but you’re really just Derpy’s pet, and I’m always willing to take care of a pet.”

Derpy’s jaw dropped. “No, Fluttershy, it’s nothing like that—“

“Oh, you don’t have to be ashamed,” said Fluttershy. “I know how attached anypony can get to a pet, and Karyn sure is a cute one.”

Derpy was speechless. She turned to Twilight to see if she could explain better, but the unicorn was too busy laughing.

Fluttershy was patting Karyn on the head with a wing. “Now you be a good little human and do everything that Derpy Hooves tells you to do, and nothing bad like this will ever happen again. OK?”

Karyn laughed and shook her head. “I promise, Fluttershy,” she said, but she was looking at Derpy when she said it.

Author's Notes:

Here are some scenes from next week's chapter!

"We can completely redecorate!”

“Whoa, whoa! Settle down. See, there’s some bad news to go along with the good news.”

“I thought the barbecue was the bad news,” said Derpy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Come on, it’s still light out. We can do some window shopping on the way back.”

“Cool, I love window shopping.”

Karyn pursed her lips. “You do know that—“

“Yes, I know what you mean.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Karyn tapped her foot on the ground. “I know there’s something you’re not telling me.”

“All right, I guess it’s confession time.”

“What did you do?”

“Maybe it’s easier to show you for starters.”

That's next Wednesday at the same time!

24: Who Gets the Derp Bunk?

“Hi, Karyn,” said Derpy as she appeared in her bedroom. “Are we alone again?”

Karyn ran to the door and peeked down the stairs to the ground floor. “No, we’re not. The folks are here and not going anywhere. And trust me, you don’t want to go downstairs or outside.”

“Why not?”

“It’s like a charnel house down there. Dad’s preparing for his big barbecue.”

Derpy, confused, decided to take a look out the window to see what Karyn was talking about, but she was barred by an outstretched arm. “OK, then, tell me what a barbecue is.”

“It’s a big party. A cookout. But there’s a lot of guests and Dad bought a ton of meat. So if you don’t want to see table after table full of dead animals, just stay here.”

“They eat meat, huh?”

“Are you kidding?” said Karyn. “They must have five hundred chicken wings down there. None of the rest, just the wings.”

“That won’t let them fly.”

“They’re not going to fly. They’re going to eat them. Not to mention all the ground beef, steaks, shish kebabs, and sausage.”

Derpy smiled. “Oh, I like sausage!”

Karyn was shocked. Perhaps there was some kind of vegetarian sausage that ponies made. “Really?”

“Absolutely. Sauce is tasty, so I want my food with a high degree of sauce-age!”

“Ugh. No, it has nothing to do with sauce. Well, actually it does, but that’s not what sausage is. It’s something so nasty that even people who eat meat won’t watch it being made.”

Derpy now took Karyn’s advice and backed toward the middle of the room.

“Yeah, and I have to be in the middle of it,” Karyn said. “So you’re probably going to want to head for home. But there’s some good news.”

“What’s that?”

“Two days from now, I’ll be moving back to college to go to school. Next Sunday, we’ll be back to our old routine!”

Derpy clapped her hooves. “That’ll be great! I’m looking forward to it.”

“So, until then,” Karyn said, but Derpy held up a hoof.

“We’ve got to plan. We’ve got to pack. Do you know everything you’re going to bring? How are you getting there? Are you going to be in the same room? We can completely redecorate!”

“Whoa, whoa! Settle down. See, there’s some bad news to go along with the good news.”

“I thought the barbecue was the bad news,” said Derpy.

“Well, it was, but that will be over soon. The real bad news is that when I do move back, I’m going to have a roommate.”

“Hey, that’s great. You’ll be just like Lyra and Bon-bon. They’re the best of friends.”

Karyn put on a wry smile. “Yeah, some people think they’re more than that. And I don’t swing that way. But if I have a roommate, Sundays are going to be just as much of a hassle getting to see you.”

“Oh. That’s right. Well, maybe we don’t have to as often.”

“No. I’m definitely not breaking a single date with you. You’re my best friend, Derpy. These days with you keep me going through the week.”

At that moment, Karyn’s mother called her down to run to the store to get ice, so she said good-bye to Derpy and ran out. On her drive, she thought more about how to deal with the problem. Maybe the roommate will be a brony like me, she thought, who’ll keep the secret and might even spend time with Derpy and me! That would be nice. But probably not. Well, more likely is that she’ll be a late sleeper and I can sneak off before she gets up.

Karyn made it through the barbecue and the next day, but that night her parents called her into the living room after dinner.

“It’s like this,” her father said. “We’d love to drive you back to school tomorrow, but we’d have to miss work. As it happens, we got a flyer today about a great deal on a moving company that will take all your stuff with you. They’ll even help haul it in and set up your furniture.”

Her mother said, “And since it’s your second year, we won’t have to go through all the separation anxiety. It works out best for everyone.”

“Really?” said Karyn, “I mean, if you don’t want to, that’s OK, I guess. I was kind of looking forward to it, though.”

“Well,” her father said, “we were going to give you the money we saved on gas and by working to spend at college, so. . . “

“If you put it that way, have a great semester!” Karyn smiled and hoped that she wasn’t sounding too selfish.

She went back to her room and set about changing her packing. With the space of a truck available, she could take more, and decided on one of her folding bookshelves and the books that went with it, along with her full set of bedding and a space heater for when it got really cold. She staged it all by the front door and spent her last night at home.

In the morning, after she woke and dressed, she finished breakfast and moved everything out to the driveway except for the really heavy stuff. She assumed that the driver would be some big burly fellow who would have no problem lifting her bookcase and heavy boxes. When the truck finally pulled up, she waited for the door to open. When a minute passed and no sign of action, she went up to the door and knocked. The tinted window rolled down.

Karyn barely registered surprise at the gray head and blonde hair that appeared in the window.

“Hi! Ready for the big move?” said Derpy.

“Aren’t you supposed to be at work?”

“I am at work, silly! The Equestrian postal service does moving as well.”

Karyn leaned on the window, trying to block anyone who might be passing by from seeing Derpy. “Yeah, I’ve seen you moving a piano. If I recall correctly, you dropped it on Twilight Sparkle.”

“I don’t remember that.”

“It was a long time ago.”

Derpy opened the door. “So forget it! We need to get all this stuff loaded and get on the road!”

“Where did you get this truck anyway?”

“Oh, don’t worry about it. It’s not mine, just a rental,” Derpy said, as if this answered the question.

Derpy went invisible, and they discreetly lifted bags and furniture into the back of the truck, aided by the extending ramp. In a few moments, they were ready to get on the road.

“Are you sure you can drive this?” asked Karyn.

“Oh, yeah. This is an Equestrian truck. Built for ponies. No problem at all.”

Karyn pulled out her smart phone and pulled up the GPS. She relayed the directions to Derpy, who was indeed capable of driving the truck with no troubles. It was a pleasant day, and Karyn was glad that her friend had shown up.

“This would have been totally boring without you,” she said.

“Well, we can’t have that. Now where do we park?”

“It’s probably better to just pull up to the dorm and we’ll empty out there. Then we can park afterwards and spend the rest of the day. Assuming my roommate isn’t in the dorm already, in which case we’ll have to hide you.”

When they had parked in the lane near the dormitory building, Derpy turned her invisibility back on and they both slipped out the passenger side. Karyn found a bored person who could have been a security guard or a residential life person, and she asked where she was supposed to go. He waved a hand vaguely in the direction of the building’s rear. A quick search led to a table where they were signing in new arrivals. She got on line and waited with a bag in hand. Once she got to the table, she found an alphabetical list of students with their room numbers. She ran her finger down.

“Hubert, Karyn Ann. Floor four, room six. That’s me,” she said. The lady behind the table made her sign a form and gave her a key. She tried to scan for the same number elsewhere on the list to find her roommate, but she was hustled off quickly to allow others to check in.

Derpy and she began hauling her clothes into the building. When they were in public, Derpy stood close by, making it look like Karyn was carrying everything and was exceptionally strong. Once in the elevator, they separated and Karyn smiled at the floating plastic case.

They reached the room and Karyn peeked cautiously inside. It was empty and bore only the furniture that the university provided. There was a set of bunk beds on one wall, and two desks, armoires, and closets. The choice was between the set closest to the bed or that closest to the window.

“Do you think it’s all right to put my stuff away?” Karyn asked. “Or should I wait for the other girl to get here and decide who gets what fairly?”

“Hey, if she’s late, it’s her loss! I’d use the closet by the window if it were me,” said Derpy.

Karyn shook her head and plopped her cases and bags in the middle of the room. “Come on, let’s go haul the bookcase.”

When they came back with the case, Karyn holding it by the middle and Derpy lifting from above, they saw a new list attached to the building. This one had the names in room order, and again Karyn ran a finger down the list to the name below hers.

“Rhodes, Peony Violet. What kind of a name is that?” she muttered.

When they reached the elevator, she continued in her normal voice.

“Peony Violet? Sounds like a character in a bad fan-fiction.”

“I know a pony named Peony,” said Derpy.

“Yeah, it’s a fine name for a pony, but for a human it probably means she’s hipster or emo or goth or scene, if there’s a difference. Or maybe her parents were actual hippies and named her that just to be weird.”

“Don’t pre-judge her just from her name.”

Karyn stabbed at the “4” button trying to make the elevator go faster. “You’re right. It’s just as likely that she’s rebelled against her folks and gone too far in the other direction. If she puts up a Richard Nixon poster, though, I’m calling Res Life and asking for a transfer.”

Derpy smirked and they carried on to the room. “Karyn, I really don’t think you should just dump all your stuff in the middle here. Go ahead and set it up the way you want it. I’m sure your roommate won’t mind.”

“Even if I do, I’ll want everything in before I decide where it all goes. Better than filling a drawer and then something needs to go on the bottom. Besides, we should probably move the truck.”

They left the room and pulled the truck around to a parking lot. There were still a few items left to bring in, but they would be passing by a few more times anyway. In front of the lot they parked in was a gray building.

“Ooh, a book store!” said Derpy. “Can we go in?”

“Actually, since I still don’t want to put all my stuff away, we might as well. I’m warning you, though, this isn’t a typical book store. You’re probably not going to like it.”

“Nonsense, a book store is a book store.”

It was technically a book store, but Derpy was indeed disappointed. The most prominent displays were given to sweatshirts and tote bags bearing the university’s name and logo. The shelves were not stocked wall to wall, but rather had four or five copies of each book lying flat with a class designation below it. Most of the books had stickers saying “Used” on them. The stickers were unnecessary.

Derpy whispered, “You know, Karyn, if Twilight ever walked in here, she would have a heart attack. All these damaged books would be like, well, if I had gone to that barbecue.”

“Oh, believe me, that’s not the worst part.”

“What is?”

Karyn found an attendant and handed him a copy of her class list. After a few minutes, he came back with a stack of books and rang her up.

“That will be five hundred twenty-seven with tax,” he said.

Derpy was not completely familiar with human currency, but she had vague remembrances of previous purchases, and even if she hadn’t, she could tell from the way Karyn puffed her cheeks out and exhaled that she was being charged a lot of money.

“Come on,” Karyn said, “Let’s go dump these back at the room.”

“Actually, I’m a bit hungry. Can we grab a snack first?”

“Hmm. . . I’m a little tapped out after buying those books. Actually, I knew they would cost about that much, but still, dropping the money just makes you want to not purchase anything for a while. Are coffee and donuts OK?”

“We can pop over to Equestria if you want. My treat,” said Derpy.

Karyn thought about that and strongly considered saying yes. But then she looked at the truck. “Actually, you’re helping me move, so it’s I who should be doing the favors. Yeah, we’ll go and get whatever you want. Price no object. I guess buying you a beer would be the most traditional thank you.”

“Beer is nasty. I drank it once, and the less said about it, the better. Besides, it’s too early. The coffee and donuts sounded good.”

As they made their way to the donut shop, their mood lightened as they realized all the advantages they had regained. Everything was once again within walking distance, and the college-town atmosphere was more pleasant and recreational compared to the suburbs.

They sat in a corner booth of the shop with Karyn’s back to the rest of the store. With Derpy effectively screened, she could munch on her donut without anyone noticing it disappearing into nothing.

“We should start planning outings for the Sundays that you’re here,” said Karyn. “In case this Peony girl is the type to stay in the dorm all day. We don’t want a repeat of what happened when Mike showed up.”

“It would be nice, but I’m sure we’ll have some dorm time.”

“What would really be funny is if she had a secret friend from another universe that she spent Sundays with as well.”

Derpy guffawed, turning some heads and causing Karyn to have to give an embarrassed wave and point to her Bluetooth.

“That was funny!”

“Yeah, well, we don’t want people to stare. Come on, it’s still light out. We can do some window shopping on the way back.”

“Cool, I love window shopping.”

Karyn pursed her lips. “You do know that—“

“Yes, I know what you mean.”

“OK, good.”

“You mean picking out new windows for your dormitory, right?” said Derpy. “You aren’t just using it to mean walking past stores and not buying anything.”

Karyn was fit to burst, but decided to wait until they had left the donut shop before retaliating. As they walked back toward the dormitory, they passed an electronics store. Karyn pressed her nose to the glass.

“I really wish I could afford to buy a video game,” she said. “I haven’t had one in such a long time. I think I’m two or three generations behind.”

“You mean you haven’t had one since your grandparents?”

“It feels that way. But no, they put out new systems every few years, and that’s a generation.”

Derpy didn’t say anything for a few moments. She saw Karyn’s longing look. “Well, why don’t you get one that’s one generation behind?”

“I can’t afford to buy anything, even if it’s old.”

“Come on. If you spend enough time on this thing, you might actually wind up saving money.”

Karyn looked into her purse. Not that she was carrying a lot of cash, but she still thought of it as where her money came from. “I know I’ll hate myself in the morning,” she said, as she opened the door to the store.

She walked out a few minutes later with a box inside a bag. “I’ll probably come back and return this tomorrow.”

“Oh, Karyn. You can’t always be beating yourself up over money. It’ll get better with time.”

“Well, maybe this Peony girl will want to play with me once I’ve got this set up.”

Derpy bit her tongue and kept quiet. They walked back with Karyn keeping her eyes on the road and not looking at the store windows for fear of being dragged in to look at clothes or bags or something else. Again she exercised utmost caution as she opened the door to her room, but she still saw only her own effects piled in the center of the room.

“Well, at least we can talk freely now,” Karyn said as Derpy went visible. “But I do wish this girl would show up. It’s annoying when you know something is going to happen but the person you’re waiting on strings it out.”

Derpy coughed as though she were choking on something.

“Derpy, are you all right?”

“Yeah, just fine. Come on, let’s unpack!”

Karyn tapped her foot on the ground. “I know there’s something you’re not telling me.”

“All right, I guess it’s confession time.”

“What did you do?”

“Maybe it’s easier to show you for starters.” Derpy looked around. On top of one pile waiting to be put away was a dry-erase message board that Karyn planned to stick to a refrigerator to write notes on. Derpy dug through the pile and found the marker that went with it.

With her back to Karyn, she seemed to be writing something. Then, her tongue sticking out of the side of her mouth, Derpy started drawing lines on the board. With a flourish, she held the board out for Karyn to see.

Karyn’s mouth seemed to disconnect from her brain, as it made nothing but “W. . . w. . . w. . .” sounds for about fifteen seconds. Then, having had enough of that, she switched over to “Bu. . . bu. . . bu. . .” for another fifteen. Finally, the first coherent sentence to come out of her mouth was:

“Your middle initial is N?”

“Well, I might have cheated a little,” said Derpy. “Derpy ‘No-middle-name’ Hooves kinda has an N. But if I didn’t, I would have had to name her Vepy, which doesn’t sound like any kind of a name.”

“I’m confused.”

“Well, when you left on Sunday to go to the barbecue, I was all alone in your room, and you just told me how having a roommate was going to be a hassle. And your computer was sitting right there. So I logged on and found Derpynet. Remember her?”

“Disctinctly,” said Karyn. “I also remember her promising not to interfere.”

“With the world at large. I don’t think she—or Karynet, they’re together—stopped wanting to do nice things for you. Anyway, they arranged it so that this made-up person got listed in with you when they assigned rooms. The local rosters that the people who run the dorms use have the room as only being occupied by you, but the ones that tell them where they have free space will list Peony as being here.”

Karyn had a momentary flash of an ethical quandary, but quickly concluded that the university took enough from students in general and her in particular that it could afford to go without one semester’s room and board fee.

“Well, I suppose this isn’t the worst thing you’ve done. And I do get the room to myself now.”

“Exactly. So, like I’ve been saying, let’s decorate!”

They started picking up things from the pile. With twice the space and furniture available, Karyn found it easy to organize her room. She decided to make one “working desk” and one “play desk.” The video game system and her small TV went by the play desk.

“You’ve got to show me how to play that some time,” said Derpy.

“Yeah, that could be tricky with hooves. Video games are mostly about precision finger work.”

Derpy arranged all the pens and stationery on the working desk while Karyn picked out a set of bedding and made the bed. The random pile that had taken up the center of the room was dwindling as everything found a place. Karyn stacked the two mini-fridges that came with the room.

“There. When they’re together, they look almost like one normal fridge. Let me have that whiteboard.”

“Sure, just let me erase it first.”

“Oh, no,” said Karyn. “I want to keep what you’ve written. It’ll remind me of how much of a trickster you are. I’ll be ready next time.”

“You’ll never know what I’m planning next!” said Derpy with a slyness in her voice. “I am the ultimate prank-puller! Pinkie Pie has nothing on me. You know why? Because even I don’t know what I’m going to do until I do it.”

“I actually believe that.”

The last of the arrangement was complete, and Derpy and Karyn sat by the window sipping sodas.

“We ought to take a picture of the room as it is,” said Karyn. “It’ll probably be the last time it’s this clean.”

“Hey, you’re not so bad. Remind me to tell you how bad Dinky was at picking up her room.”

Karyn held up her bottle of soda and gestured for Derpy to do the same.

“Well, however it goes, here’s to a great semester.”

The bottles clinked

Author's Notes:

Coming next week!

“But Princess Celestia is good. She never does things like that.”

Derpy breathed easier. “You’re right. But we still don’t know why she wants us. We’re just going to have to go and see her.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Derpy and Karyn were left alone, and they were both in panic mode. “Is this some kind of horrible dream?” asked Derpy. “Pinch me to make sure.”

“I don’t think that works. Everyone knows that that’s what you do to make sure it’s not a dream, so you might even dream that the pinch hurt.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"We feel that if humans are to be allowed into Equestria, that we should take the opportunity to really learn about them.”

Derpy held up a hoof. “What do you think I’ve been doing?”

“We mean in a more controlled setting,”

That's next week. Just so you know, we're going up to Chapter 30, then there'll be a "clip show" followed by a week off. After that, something really special! Thank you for all your support!

25: Princess Derpy

Karyn stuck the plastic fork into the last bite of the syrup-slathered pancakes that she had bought from the college cafeteria. “Oh, it’s good to be back,” she said out loud. “As much as I love home cooking, they make a decent meal here. All right, Derpy, where are you? It’s getting late.”

She threw away the paper plate and put the tray on the trash can in the hall, then checked the clock on her phone again. Derpy was past due.

“Well, I’ll start reading something, and that will make her show. A watched pot never boils.”

“And an observed interdimensional warp never produces a pegasus pony?” said Derpy, who had just appeared.

“Yeah, that too. What’s up?”

“Oh, not much,” said Derpy. She looked around as if afraid someone was watching.

“Don’t worry,” said Karyn. “We’re here at the dorm. No more parents, and unless you messed up and I was assigned another roommate, we should be alone.”

“Right. No humans around.”

Derpy went to the window and looked out. “Is something wrong?” asked Karyn.

“Why would it be?”

“Well, you’re avoiding eye contact with me?”

Derpy stuck out her tongue. “Technically, I never fully make eye contact with you. Only half, at most.”

“Don’t start in on yourself. Your eyes are unique and beautiful.”

“Mmhm,” Derpy said, getting distracted.

“Anyway, you changed the subject. What’s wrong?”

Derpy looked at her bag of spells. “I wish the time distortion worked the other way. I wish I could stay here on earth and go back to Equestria when I felt ready.”

Karyn put her hand on Derpy’s wing. “Come on, you can tell me. I’m your friend.”

“I know! That’s why I don’t want to have to take you back with me. I’m afraid that you’ll be in trouble!”

“Why would there be trouble?”

Derpy reached in her other saddlebag and pulled out a scroll. “I got this in the mail yesterday. It says, ‘Princess Celestia of Equestria, Viceroy of all Ponies, Protectress of the Everfree Forest, Duchess of—‘ it goes on for a while with her titles—‘requests Derpy Hooves present herself before her Princess on—‘ and then there’s a date which is today in the Equestrian calendar—‘ in her royal dwelling at Canterlot Castle.’ It came sealed with wax and a sunburst mark, so I know it’s official.”

“OK, that’s fine, but where does my trouble come in?”

Derpy reached back in and produced a second scroll. Karyn got to see the wax seal for herself, right below the words, ‘Karyn Ann Hubert, Floor 4, Room 6, Dormitory USCI, Earth’ written in a fancy calligraphy. “Whoa,” she said, “Princess Celestia knows where I live. That’s a little scary. She must have powerful magic to automatically address this to me.”

“Um, actually, the guard who brought my message said it was for you and just asked me for the address. Then she wrote it on the scroll. Good hoofwriting, though, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, Derpy. It’s real pretty.” Karyn carefully broke the seal and unrolled the message. It said substantially what Derpy’s had. “So what do we do about this?”

“There’s nothing we can do. But I don’t know what it’s about. She could decide that she doesn’t want humans around in Equestria anymore. She could tell us that we’ve done too much to destroy the balance of nature. She could wipe out our existence right there!”

“But Princess Celestia is good. She never does things like that.”

Derpy breathed easier. “You’re right. But we still don’t know why she wants us. We’re just going to have to go and see her.”

Karyn rolled the scroll back up and put it in her desk drawer, then looked at her closet. “I suppose if I am going to be meeting royalty, I should dress for the occasion.”

“I’m not wearing anything. Why don’t you wear that dress that Rarity gave you?”

“You’re more comfortable in nothing. If I wore that, I’d be more nervous. No, I don’t have a true formal dress, but I do have a business outfit that I’ll put on.” Sensing Derpy’s look, she explained, “My mother bought it for me on the off chance that I would get an interview for a job, as if that would happen to a sophomore.”

She went into the bathroom and changed from her jeans and T-shirt into the suit. She came out and checked herself in the mirror, then decided that she needed to put on makeup as well.

“It’s a nice outfit,” said Derpy.

“Well, I had to change it a little. Mom’s fashion tastes are still from thirty years ago. When she bought it, it had shoulder pads. I ripped them out first chance I got.”

“Really? That sounds practical. Less chance to get hurt.”

“Yeah, but they make you look all square,” said Karyn. “All right, let’s go.”

She got on Derpy’s back, but could tell that Derpy was still nervous. She was acting more like a skittish horse than a dignified pegasus. She activated the spell reluctantly and slowly circled down to Ponyville.

“Are we stopping by the house first?” Karyn asked. “And how are we getting there?”

“I already said good-bye to Muffinhead, so we can go right to the train station. As to how we’re getting there—“

“Yeah, I got it, the train. But you’re coming back to Muffinhead, don’t worry.”

Derpy started trotting to the station. She had forgotten to let Karyn off. “I always say good-bye to him. He’s not happy whenever I’m gone.”

The train was already waiting when they walked into the station, and they had to hurry to get in before the all-aboard. Derpy finally let Karyn walk on her own, and right as she ascended the stairs into the car, thought she heard her name called. She poked her head back out, but everypony had already boarded. The cry was explained a moment later when a familiar blue-capped stallion walked up from a few cars back.

“Hey, Karyn! I thought that was you I saw getting on board!”

“Hi, Smash. I guess I do stick out around here. How’s the bag-hauling business?”

“Never better. Not in the fancy car this time? Oh, hello, Derpy.”

Derpy waved. “Not this time. Official business. Our tickets are being paid for by the royal treasury.”

“Really? Sounds like you’ve got something fancy doing.”

“No,” said Karyn. “We were summoned by the Princess. We don’t know why, and we’re a little nervous.”

“I’d be honored. I’ve never met Princess Celestia. I’ve never even been to the castle.” Just as he said that, a bell rang. “Oops, that’s for me. Got to get back to work. Have a good trip!”

They found seats, which were wider than on human trains, and Karyn had to lay out in order to get comfortable. “You see, Derpy?” Karyn said. “Smash would love to be in our position, going to see Princess Celestia. You don’t know, this could be something positive. She might want to give you a medal for opening new boundaries.”

“Then why couldn’t she just write that? Actually, that’s what bothers me more than anything. If she wanted to upbraid me for something I’ve done, just write down ‘Derpy, get your flank over here so I can yell at you about’ whatever it is. Better than to leave me in the dark.”

“Which means that she probably doesn’t want to chastise you. Anyway, let’s get going and end the mystery.”

They walked along the streets of Canterlot. Despite her hurry, Karyn could not help slowing down and gawking. Canterlot was like no place she had ever seen before.

“This is incredible, Derpy. All the buildings and decorations are so colorful. The only thing I could compare it to is Disneyland.”

“I’ve never been to that land. What’s it like?”

“It’s an amusement park. But the difference is that no matter how pretty everything is there, you know it’s a front and that everything is designed to keep you involved and spending money. This is a real city.”

Some fancily dressed ponies sauntered down the road they were traveling. A stallion looked over his pince-nez at Karyn, while the mare he was walking with pulled out a pair of opera glasses.

“I feel even more the center of attention here,” said Karyn.

“Well, in Ponyville there’s already one human. Plus they’re more laid back in general. Here everything’s all about propriety and protocol.”

“I bet you can’t stand it.”

“Are you kidding? I have a ball messing with ponies.” They passed by a fruit stand. Derpy picked up a couple of plums and put them in her mouth. “Not bad!” she said to the vendor, flipping a bit to him and walking on. He stared at her, but she just kept her smile.

It faltered finally when they came to the gates of Canterlot Castle. Derpy became tongue-tied when the guard challenged her, and it was all she could do to pass him the scroll she had been given. The guard read it while his partner eyed Karyn warily. Silently he waved them through.

Another guard stopped them short of the main chamber. “Princess Celestia is hearing petitions right now. You wait your turn.”

Derpy was about to sit down by the wall, but Karyn had had enough of being stonewalled. “Is she hearing a petition of a hundred ponies? Because I see plenty of them watching. If we do have to wait, can’t we at least go in and join the others?”

“Hey, yeah!” said Derpy. “The royal court is supposed to be public.”

The guard didn’t like being challenged, but he said, “Technically you’re allowed to go in, but you should—“ he didn’t finish, as Karyn had already walked into the chamber with Derpy behind her.

They found seats and listened to an Earth pony farmer supplicating to the Princess.

“. . . my father and his father before him grew potatoes on our land, and they were fine potatoes. And the neighbors always grew carrots. Now, just because potatoes are fetching a higher price than carrots, they want to grow potatoes too! It’s not fair! Potatoes are my family’s tradition, and carrots are theirs!”

Celestia had a look of serene patience as she listened to the farmer. Finally she held up a hoof and asked, “What would you like me to do about it?”

“Well, make them go back to growing carrots! Or at least, don’t let them grow potatoes. Put things back the way they were.”

Celestia said nothing for a few minutes. The farmer couldn’t tell if she was thinking over his request. Karyn listened intently to see what the princess would say.

“I cannot do that,” Celestia said. “A pony who owns land can grow anything they like on it. But I can give you some advice.”

The farmer clutched his hat.

“When one crop becomes popular, the price goes up, but never for long. Potatoes are what ponies are eating this year, but next, they may well go back to carrots, or even parsnips. If you ask around and find what ponies want to eat, you can change your crop for next year and have the exclusive on the high-priced food.”

The princess indicated that the interview was over, and the farmer walked out of the royal chamber. It was unclear whether or not he was happy with the response he had gotten, but it was clear that he was getting no more.

Celestia’s eyes landed on Karyn, and she whispered a subtle command to a guard next to her. He relayed the signal wordlessly, and she and Derpy felt taps on their shoulder. From the large meeting area, they were escorted to a small room where they were again alone. Princess Celestia walked in moments later.

Karyn wondered what the proper greeting was, and decided that the best course of action was to wait to speak until she was spoken to.

She turned first to Derpy. “Miss Hooves. You were the one who brought this human to our world?”

“Yes, your highness.”

“And you, Miss. . . Karyn, yes? How do you find our land?”

“It’s such a wonderful place. Princess,” she added quickly.

“That is good. For there is something of great importance that I require of you. Did you take note of how I conducted the business of ruling?”

“A little bit,” said Karyn.

“Excellent. You see, a long time ago, a seer issued a prophecy. Someday, it was written, one would come from another world and become companion to a pegasus pony.”

“And you think that could be me?” said Derpy.

“I do. But the prophecy also said that, to avert a great catastrophe, that I, Princess Celestia, would have to turn over the reins of power to that pegasus, and that she would be advised by the person from another world.”

Karyn and Derpy just sat there and blinked.

“Congratulations, Princess Derpy Hooves.”

“Wait a minute!” said Karyn. “Derpy as Princess? Equestria won’t last two days!”

“Hey!” said Derpy. “It certainly will last two days!”

“And what’s this catastrophe that we’re supposed to avert?”

“That I don’t know, but nonetheless, your highness,” Celestia said, the words sounding odd coming from her, “you have royal duties to attend to. There is a consortium of society ponies who have requested an audience. I will show them in.”

Celestia walked out, then thought of something. Using her magic, she lifted the crown off her head and slid it onto Derpy’s.

Derpy and Karyn were left alone, and they were both in panic mode. “Is this some kind of horrible dream?” asked Derpy. “Pinch me to make sure.”

“I don’t think that works. Everyone knows that that’s what you do to make sure it’s not a dream, so you might even dream that the pinch hurt.”

“I’m so flustered that that even makes sense. What am I going to do? I can’t deal with society ponies. And I certainly can’t be the Princess!”

She flew up in her rage, and the golden crown slipped over her eyes. She shoved it back up with a hoof.

“Listen,” said Karyn. “Princess Celestia. . . well, ex-Princess Celestia, said it was important. Probably as soon as this crisis shows up, we’ll be able to go back to normal. So take a deep breath, and just get through this meeting. Then we’ll have time to think.”

“OK. How do I get through?”

“Just be yourself.”

Celestia, now acting as a mare-in-waiting, escorted in three well-dressed ponies. A wavy-maned Earth stallion said. “Greetings, your highness. I am Hoity Toity.”

Derpy waited for a beat, then remembered what Karyn said. “Nice to meetcha, Toity!” she said. His jaw fell open

The unicorn mare tried next. “And my name is Upper Crust,” she said.

“How you doin’, Crusty!”

Upper Crust thought about fainting, but decided that it wasn’t worth it.

The third pony was a pegasus. “Hoi Polloi at your service, Princess.”

“What’s up. . . “ Derpy leaned in and whispered to Karyn. “I got nothing on this guy’s name. What do I do?”

Karyn stage-whispered back so that everypony could hear. “I know a lot of people think that ‘hoi polloi’ means the high society, but it actually refers to the masses.”

The three ponies in audience looked at each other, as if trying to decide who would be the spokespony. Finally Hoi Polloi said, “We have come, Princess, to speak with you about your. . . advisor.”

Upper Crust took up the thread. “You see, we feel that if humans are to be allowed into Equestria, that we should take the opportunity to really learn about them.”

Derpy held up a hoof. “What do you think I’ve been doing?”

“We mean in a more controlled setting,” said Hoity Toity.

“What exactly are you asking for?” said Derpy.

“We know of ponies who have laboratories set up. We’d like to take your human and have her studied by some scientists,” said Upper Crust. “Then we would truly know if she’s dangerous and how she can be helpful to ponykind.”

“WHAT?!” Derpy screamed. It was a forceful scream, but it carried some unseen power in it. The high-class ponies cowered as Derpy appeared to grow larger. She spoke to the three of them, and although her voice was the same, in some small way, she sounded like a princess.

“All of you, listen. I don’t know how I got roped into this job, but I certainly know that you would not have been so disrespectful when Celestia was Princess. I’ve come across your type before, who look down upon humans and don’t even give them the dignity of a name. Karyn is my friend. You are only my subjects. But even back before this job was thrust on me, she was still a better person than you three are!

“So, by royal decree, I’m officially ordering you out of here with the warning that if anypony accosts, interferes with, discriminates against, or commits a wrong against Karyn—no, against any human—that pony will no longer be welcome in Equestria.”

The ponies in audience looked nervous, but still a little defiant. Derpy wondered how she could be sure to reach them. She got an idea.

“Furthermore,” she said, “all their lands and money will be turned over to the royal treasury.”

That did it. Hoity Toity, Upper Crust, and Hoi Polloi turned tail and ran out of the room, quickly saying thanks-for-the-audience-princess.

Derpy sighed and slumped in the chair. Karyn rested a hand on her wing. “Thanks, your highness.”

“Oh, Karyn, please don’t ever call me that.”

“All right. Thanks, Derpy.”

“I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. I was so nervous the whole time. And I hated to have to dress down those ponies, even if they were mean ponies who wanted to experiment on you.”

Karyn smiled. “They deserved it though.”

“Yeah, I guess I did enjoy it a little. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Wait, do I have to raise the sun? I don’t know how to do that!”

“You don’t have to worry about that,” a voice said.

“Celestia! Please tell me that you’ll still raise the sun for me,” said Derpy.

“I’ll do more than that. You don’t have to be Princess anymore.”

“Huh?”

Celestia pulled the crown off of Derpy’s head. “I hope you’ll forgive me for putting you through that. The elites of Canterlot can be quite a tricky group.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Me neither,” said Karyn.

Celestia looked at her. “For a while now, I’ve been hearing requests and feeling the pressure to do exactly what they asked Derpy to do: keep you here and run tests on you. But they never quite came out and said that that’s what they wanted to do. As I said, they’re tricky. If they didn’t actually get a decision, they could stir up enough sentiment in favor of it. So I had to make them want to say it out loud. It’s official record now that they have been refused by the Princess.”

“But why couldn’t you have just said no yourself?” asked Derpy. “You’re Princess Celestia. Everypony listens to you.”

“I wish that were true. Some ponies think they know better than me, and politic for their own ends. I have to be tricky myself. Once more, I’m sorry I had to put you on the spot, but nopony else would give such a sincere and forceful denial. Nopony else cares for Karyn as much as you do.”

Derpy and Karyn looked at each other.

“Wait,” said Derpy, “What about the crisis? The big catastrophe that we had to avert?”

“Oh, I think that imprisoning Karyn would be quite the catastrophe, don’t you?” said Celestia.

“And there was no prophecy? No seer from a long time ago?”

Celestia put on her biggest smile. “I do see things now and again. And last night was a long time ago as these things happen.”

Derpy gave the Princess a look, but quickly realized that that might be insubordinate. The last thing she wanted was to have Celestia thrust her back into an equal position.

Karyn was deep in thought, and finally said, “Um, your highness?”

“Yes?” said Celestia and Derpy together.

“Sorry,” said Derpy. “I guess I got a little used to it.”

“What is it, child?” asked Celestia.

“I was thinking that those ponies might not be too far off. I mean, I don’t want to be kept here or have experiments done to me, but it is right for Equestrians to want to know more about me, and vice versa. If you do think of projects that we can do to further bridge the gap between our worlds, I’d be willing to help.”

Derpy trotted over to her. “If Karyn’s willing, then so am I. But only if you approve them, and not those ponies.”

“All right, my dears,” said Celestia. “That’s good to know. And now, I really do have to get back to work.”

“And we should probably get the train back.”

Celestia stopped at the door to the main chamber. “For your patience and for your pains, I can at least send you home on a chariot.”

Karyn and Derpy demurred, but a moment later found themselves being pulled through the streets of Canterlot on a chariot of gold by two guards. They were even more conspicuous than before.

“Well, Derpy,” said Karyn, “That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

“No. I’ll trust Princess Celestia from now on. Even if you did give her carte blanche to mess with us."

Author's Notes:

What have the girls gotten themselves into? Next week. . . you'll find out in the preview. Meanwhile, here are clips from that chapter!

“It’s good to be back in the dorm where we can talk without whispering. And to not have Princess Celestia’s letter hanging over our heads.”

Derpy looked up. Karyn added, “Metaphorically speaking.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The train approached another little station, and Karyn tapped Derpy on a wing to wave her out. They walked a block and came to one of the large buildings.

“Now here’s where this could be a little awkward,” said Karyn. “This is the bank’s office, but it’s Sunday, and banks are always closed. Still, let’s ring the bell.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I don’t want to blow the whole thing. I should save some.”

“That’s a good value as well. But found money is meant for fun.”

“Well, how about muffins and coffee back at the dorm?” said Karyn.

“Works for me!”

26: Tech Derport

“How do I manage to mess up a room in two weeks?” Karyn asked herself as she tidied up. She wouldn’t normally call herself a neat freak, but she didn’t want to have Derpy think ill of her in any way. At the rushing sound of air and magic, she took the pile of clothes she had in her hands and threw it into a hamper, then ran to sit herself on the bed so as to look nonchalant.

Derpy finished popping into existence and said hello.

“Hi to you too,” said Karyn. “It’s good to be back in the dorm where we can talk without whispering. And to not have Princess Celestia’s letter hanging over our heads.”

Derpy looked up. Karyn added, “Metaphorically speaking.”

“You should end your sentences with that phrase more often. But speaking of getting back to normal, and speaking of letters, I got one from Dinky.”

“Oh, yeah? How’s she doing in magic school?”

“Good. She promises to wow me with some spells she’s learned. Not that I can’t show her a thing or two, right?” Derpy patted her saddlebag. “But more importantly we’ve got a date set. Three weeks and she’s coming to Ponyville for a visit. And you’ll be there, right?”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Either one.”

“That’s good. Maybe someday, years from now, she and your daughter can be friends and visit each other the same way we do.”

Karyn rolled her eyes. “A lot of years from now. I haven’t even begun thinking about starting a family. And even if I did, there’s a fifty-fifty shot that I wouldn’t have a daughter.”

“I know. But it’s nice to dream, isn’t it?”

“I suppose. In any case, before I can worry about my family, I’ve got to get this whole career thing under control. Which means getting it started.”

Derpy’s face fell. “Uh oh. I know you. This is a prelude to one of your ‘here’s why we can’t just hang out today’ things.”

“I’m afraid so. Who schedules an internship on a Sunday anyway?”

“A what now?”

Karyn went over to her computer and pulled up an e-mail. “OK, I’ve told you all about what I’m studying as far as computers go, right? Well, one of my uncles already works with them. He set up this one-day thing where I can go and watch someone else running a center for IT. I tried to beg off, because I’d much rather, as you said, just hang out with you. He replied to me: ‘Karyn, I had to pull a lot of strings to get you in, and this is one of the most modern sites that’s running in this state. Plus the contacts you make will help you when you’re trying to find a job.’ And it goes on from there. So, I’m kind of stuck.”

“But you’re going to let me come with you incognito, right?”

“You can come in whatever clothes you feel like.”

“No, incognito means in disguise, as in using my invisibility—“ Derpy said, but cut herself off when she saw Karyn laughing.

“I know that, Derpy. I just wanted you to feel what it was like for once.”

Derpy’s eyes narrowed into slits, and Karyn was afraid that she had offended her friend, but Derpy joined Karyn in laughter a moment later. Then she said, “So tell me what sort of thing we’re going to see in this place.”

“Well, depending on how much access we get—and this is at a bank, so it might not be a lot—we should go beyond the end user area like this,” Karyn said, pointing to her own computer, “and see all the guts that make up the network.”

“Well, let’s get going,” said Derpy.

“We can’t walk there. It’s downtown. Even if we could manage the distance, the traffic there is annoying. Crossing the big avenues takes five minutes.”

“Then how do we get there?”

“Light rail,” said Karyn, packing up and heading out to the street. A block from the campus, in a different direction than they had been before, there was a small station. It was a little like the simple stations of the Equestrian rail, but it had a plastic cover for the rain and automated ticket machines.

“I’ll ride on top as usual,” said Derpy. “So I don’t get bumped into.”

“Not a good idea. These are powered by cables overhead. You’ll get knocked off or electrocuted or both. But don’t worry, this time of day on a Sunday, there shouldn’t be too much of a crowd.”

A train arrived right then, and they shuffled into it. As Karyn said, it was nearly empty. Derpy plastered her invisible face to the window and watched as they made their way to the city hub.

The sun was particularly bright that day, and Derpy had to shade her eyes as the train went around a bend. Although the city had the university to boast of, there were only four tall buildings in the downtown area. Still, even that was enough to impress Derpy.

The train approached another little station, and Karyn tapped Derpy on a wing to wave her out. They walked a block and came to one of the large buildings.

“Now here’s where this could be a little awkward,” said Karyn. “This is the bank’s office, but it’s Sunday, and banks are always closed. Still, let’s ring the bell.”

The bell was actually an electronic intercom. She pushed the button and heard the chirp, but no one answered. “Looks like no one’s here,” said Derpy. “Back home and have fun?”

“I wish.” Karyn took out her cell phone and sent a text message. “My uncle gave me the guy’s number. I let him know I’m here.”

The man who came down was not the stereotype of the IT professional, but clearly tried to act the part. His beard was not wispy but the shave was uneven, his glasses had frames that were at least fashionable at some point, and his blue jeans had a collared shirt tucked into them. He also carried a bottle of diet cola with him instead of the more traditional Mountain Dew.

“Call me Jim,” he said. “You’re Karyn?”

“Yes, and this is. . . where you work?” Karyn was about to introduce Derpy, and thought that she covered herself nicely.

“Yeah. Come on in, I’ll give you the tour.”

“I hope you didn’t come into work on a Sunday on my account.”

“Nah,” he said. “I do out-of-hours work once a month or so, and I take time in lieu. That’s the first lesson of IT work, by the way. Never do anything for the company without compensation. It sets a bad precedent.”

Karyn nodded.

“I also get a chance to dress down for once. Just because we have a branch here, they make me wear a shirt and tie for the customers. Not that they’d see me other than walking in and walking out, but what can you do with the bosses?”

Karyn again grunted assent, but did not have a good first impression of Jim. As they reached the elevators and Jim pulled out a pass card that opened the door, she got an idea.

“Do you mind if I take the stairs?” she said. “I always like to get the exercise when I can.”

“It’s the seventh floor, but go ahead, knock yourself out.” He slid the card through the other reader, and the door to the stairs opened.

“Is that safe to have the stairs locked?” Karyn asked.

“Only this floor is. They’re not worried about people getting out, only in.”

Karyn started climbing the stairs, which gave her the chance to talk to Derpy. “Guy’s kind of a loser, don’t you think? Talking about what he can get before what he does.”

“Could be, but if you’re long in a job, you get to think that way. Hey, you want to play a prank on him?”

“What did you have in mind?”

Derpy spread her wings. “Let’s beat him up to the seventh floor. Hop on.”

Karyn took a second to realize what she meant, then looked up to the small gap in the stairs. She felt her way onto Derpy’s back, and they soared up six stories in a few seconds. Karyn leaned against a wall outside the elevator and adopted a smug look. The door opened and Jim stepped out.

“Wow, you are in shape,” he said. “Maybe I should start taking the stairs.”

Karyn said nothing and just kept smiling. She followed him down the hall to a gray-paneled room.

“OK,” Jim said. “This is where we run everything from. It’s important to have one of the best machines here for monitoring and control.”

He gestured to his machine, and Karyn did feel a little bit of envy. Two wide-screen flat-panel monitors sat on a corner desk, below which was a sleek tower that looked like it would be pretty good in flight. The chair plugged into the machine itself and wouldn’t have been out of place in a man cave. It had pads for heat and massage. The whole setup was like the bridge of a starship.

Jim flipped the monitors on, and Karyn saw a program that showed the output of two dozen servers. “Most of the time,” he said, “I can sit here and check on status all over the company.”

“How many people are on your staff?” she asked.

He grimaced at the double entendre, but said, “It’s really just me and a relief guy, plus the help desk.” He flipped a light switch, and behind a pane of glass that looked bulletproof, the server room became visible.

“I came up through the help desk,” he said, “and I don’t want to go back. That’s what I like about servers. Beyond what they’re designed to do, they’re also specifically designed to not fail. The two things most likely to fail on any computer are the power supply and the hard drive. Each of those servers has dual, redundant power supplies plugged into a backup loaded with heavy batteries. They have six hard drives that are double and triple mirrored. If those fail, it’s important not to lose anything. Whether it’s the web site or the e-mail or the payroll server. Especially the payroll server.”

“Can I go in and see it?”

“Well, I really shouldn’t. Not too long, and don’t touch anything.”

He swiped his card through, and Karyn opened the door wide to slip in with Derpy. She checked for security cameras and, finding none, proceeded to whisper a conversation

“Well, whatever he’s like, he is passionate about his work.”

“He is,” said Derpy.

“And at least he hadn’t hit on me.”

“I don’t think you have to worry about that. If I’m right, he’s a homosexual.”

Karyn looked through the thick window, but Jim had his back turned. “How do you know? Do you have some kind of pony sense that tells you?”

“No, I just saw a picture of a boyfriend on his desk.”

Karyn cursed her lack of observancy and examined the servers. She pointed at the two thick power cords coming from each and the six bays with air vents. “There’s the redundancy he was talking about.”

“I see it, but he’s wrong in his methods. There’s one other key point on all of these that’s not backed up.”

Karyn was about to ask what she meant, but Jim called her back from the office. “Come and take a look at this.”

She went back through the security door and looked at the monitor. “What have you got?”

“This program not only reports status on all the equipment, but also age on the parts and when to do certain tasks and preemptively replace stuff. I’m going to do a monthly reboot on the building maintenance server.”

“Cool.”

He ran a pen down a long list of information and muttered to himself. “Looks good to go. You want to push the button?”

Karyn chuckled. “Sure.” She winked to Derpy and held her hand over the mouse, but actually guided the invisible hoof. “Here I go.”

They watched as normal Windows shutdown appeared remotely on the monitor reflecting the same thing as an expensive server rack behind the glass. It ran through the startup and stalled out.

“Hm,” Jim said.

“What is ‘hm’?”

“Oh, it’s nothing you did, I’m sure. But it’s a substitute for swearing.”

He messed around with the keyboard for a bit, and Karyn tried to follow what he was doing, without success. She tried to stay out of the way.

After ten minutes, Jim said, “Can you do me a favor? Go down to the fourth floor and I’ll call you.”

“I’d like nothing better.”

She took the elevator back down and let herself and Derpy into a large open-plan room filled with desks. They were set up in plus-sign patterns of four desks each with no walls between them.

“I can see his point about an office too,” she said to Derpy. “I’d hate to work here with no privacy and everyone looking at you.”

“I know what you mean. It’s one reason I love carrying the mail, and why I like less the sorting and meetings in the post office. Whenever you’re being supervised, there’s always that nervousness that you could be doing something wrong. But when I’m out flying from house to house, nopony looks and, if I want to fly a little slower or just sing to myself, nopony knows.”

The phone on one of the desks rang and Karyn picked it up. “Hello.”

“Hey. Go ahead and turn on the computer in front of you. I’ll give you a login and password and I want to see if you can get on our network.”

The computer was old and slow and took its time about getting to the login screen. She put in the name and password Jim gave her.

“Well, it’s on,” she said to the phone. “But it’s running slow.”

“Hey, Karyn,” said Derpy. “Why don’t you just tell him to look at the—“

“Hang on,” she said, holding up a finger. “Yeah, I can get on the Internet.”

“OK, but try our e-mail. It’s the one with the bank logo that says ‘E-mail’.”

She muted the phone and said, “Yeah, I could have figured that out. Tech guys all think no one else knows anything.” Turning it back on, she said, “That’s failing.”

“That’s what I figured. That workstation is for the head of maintenance. All right, just hang out. I may ask you to try more things.”

Karyn didn’t know if he wanted to hang up and call back or leave the line open, so she put her end on mute. “Well, I guess I don’t mind this. This is how I’d like a job to be. Just relax while someone else does the work.”

“Heh. I think we all want that,” said Derpy.

“But if what he says is right, that it’s mostly about preventative maintenance, I can handle that. I’m the type that likes to get everything done as soon as possible and then relax with no worries. That’ s why I like getting up early to see you. I take care of everything on Saturday and do nothing on Sunday.”

“So does that mean that you don’t want to tell him what’s wrong?”

Karyn was about to ask what Derpy meant when the phone came to life again, and this time Jim was swearing. More for the sake of Derpy’s ears that her own, she picked it up and said, “Problems?”

“Oh, I didn’t realize this was on,” said Jim. “Sorry. But we’re now kind of on time pressure. See, when the environmental controls went down, it kind of shut off the air conditioning in the server room. If I can’t get this working, it’s going to get to about a hundred twenty degrees in here, and that means more failures.”

“I see.” Karyn muted the phone again.

“We’d better tell him then,” said Derpy.

“You keep saying that. How do you know what’s wrong?”

“It has to be this. He said that there were two things most likely to fail on a computer, the hard drive and the power. But there’s a third thing: the networking. That can fail because it’s not really part of the machine itself. The cable could break, or whatever the other end of the cable is plugged into could fail. The thing he’s looking at is probably fine, just isolated.”

Karyn looked at the phone, then at Derpy. “You really have learned a lot about computers.”

“They’re not that hard, but they’re not obvious. I can see how the average pony might be confused. But I think different.”

“Heh, that was the slogan for one computer company a while back. Anyway, how do we let Jim know?”

Derpy flew over to the closet that had that floor’s networking hub. “Could we tell him that the lights are out on this thing? I know that they’re not, but it might make him look at the same thing up there?”

“That might work, but what if he comes down to look?”

“He won’t. He sent you down here specifically to avoid the walking. I think he’s a bit lazy, if you ask me.”

Karyn took the phone off mute. “Jim, it looks like some of the lights are out on the hub down here. Or at least they’re blinking steady instead of random. Could the network be down between that server and the rest?”

“Probably not,” the voice on the phone said, “but feel free to reset it.”

Karyn headed over to the closet, but Derpy had already pulled the plug.

“This hub has one thing odd about it.”

“What’s that?” asked Karyn.

“It doesn’t say who made it or where it’s from. There’s no logo on it.”

“No hub logo is always a good thing though.”

Derpy looked confused, and Karyn decided not to explain the inside joke. The plug was put back in and the lights started blinking.

“Now I bet you that in ten minutes he calls back to say that it’s all fixed, but that it was some other reason.”

“Oh, Derpy. There’s no need to be cynical.”

They waited a while and played on the internet. When Karyn heard the central air kick on, she nodded to where Derpy was. “At least it’s working,” she said.

The phone rang five minutes later. “You can go ahead and come back up here.”

They took the elevator back up. When they reached the server room, Jim was in a better mood. “So it’s all fixed?” said Karyn.

“Yeah, nothing to it. Just needed to change a few settings and reboot again and it worked.”

“So it wasn’t the networking?” she asked, noticing through the glass that there was one white data cable in among the many black ones she had seen the first time.

“No. Good guess though. Just goes to show how much experience counts. It’s a good learning experience for you.”

Karyn felt an invisible stare burning a hole in her head. Perhaps Jim felt something similar, because he continued. “Although, you certainly did help by saving me from running up and down the stairs to check when it was up. I’m going to put in to have you paid for the day.”

“Really? Thanks!”

“Yeah. No one’s around today, but stop by tomorrow and I’ll have accounting give you a hundred bucks. Maybe ninety-nine, since I think they can do that through petty cash instead of making you wait for a check and have to fill out tax forms and get a 1099 next year.”

Karyn shook his hand, and he told her to go home while he finished tying up the loose ends from the failure. She and Derpy got back in the elevator.

“Wow, a hundred bucks!” said Derpy.

“I know. Not bad for half a day’s work.”

“How much is that in bits?”

Karyn blinked. “I don’t know exactly. As an annual salary it wouldn’t really be great, not long-term anyway. But for Sunday work, I’ll take it.”

“We should go out and celebrate.”

“But I don’t actually have it yet.”

They had reached the front door and there was a sound that Karyn couldn’t tell whether it was the automatic door or Derpy sighing. “Someday,” Derpy said, “I’m going to have to sit you down and make you learn about budgeting and receivables and all that. Then you’d know that you’re free to spend because you’ve earned.”

“I don’t want to blow the whole thing. I should save some.”

“That’s a good value as well. But found money is meant for fun.”

“Well, how about muffins and coffee back at the dorm?” said Karyn.

“Works for me!”

They made their way to a street corner with many stores. Karyn bypassed a convenience store for a fancy bakery. When she came out a few minutes later, she had a heavy bag. The muffins she had bought were the extra-large ones.

“Let’s race back to the dorm and have them while they’re still warm.”

“Nice rhyme, Zecora,” Derpy said jokingly. “We can get there real fast if you’re willing to fly.”

“With all these people here? Not on your life!”

“I was kidding.”

Karyn nonetheless quickened her pace toward the dorm room. When they finally arrived, Derpy appeared and started digging through the bag for her muffin.

“I got chocolate chip and double chocolate,” said Karyn. “Pick whichever you want.”

“But I want both!”

“I guess I should have gotten four. Then you could have had one of each. Of course, we’d both put on ten pounds, but it would be worth it.”

“Yeah,” said Derpy, still staring at the two muffins and trying to decide between the two.

“I know. I’ll perform a little magic of my own.”

“Huh?

Karyn smirked and covered the two muffins with her body. Derpy tried to peek around her, but Karyn shielded them from view, even when Derpy flew up in the air. Once she had settled down, Karyn revealed what she had done. The double chocolate muffin top was on the chocolate chip base and vice versa.

“There. Now it’s the same either way.”

Derpy started to object that there was still a difference, but Karyn picked up one of the muffins and started eating. Derpy shrugged and ate the other one.

“So we still have a few hours,” said Karyn. “Free to hang out. What do you want to do?”

“Finish my muffin!” said Derpy. They had a good laugh. Even though there was nothing else of note they did that day, at least there was no more work to do.

Author's Notes:

There's not a whole lot I can say about next week without giving away the secret, but here are a few lines!

“Hey, Derpy. Do you think we should write or go see the Princess? Tell her that we don’t really appreciate this?”

“We did say that we would help. Is it really so bad?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"That’ll be twenty bits.”

Karyn ran through it in her mind. She remembered that sometimes the vendors were willing to haggle. She wasn’t experienced at negotiations herself, but it seemed to her that, if a bit was about a dollar, that twenty was overcharging. “Twenty? For one pound?”

Can't give away any more, but be sure to be here to read it next Wednesday!

27: Freaky Derpday

The package that Derpy had in her mouth was wrapped in satin of deep magenta, tied with a ribbon that Karyn could see at once was real gold. If the exquisiteness of the packaging were not enough of a giveaway, the blazing Sun logo on the side made it clear who the sender was.

“Good morning, Derpy. What does Princess Celestia have for us here?”

“She didn’t tell me, but I’m prepared to trust her implicitly now.”

“After she was so nice last time, I’m sure. But why haven’t you opened it yet.”

Derpy put it on Karyn’s play desk and showed her the tag. “It’s not just for me. It says right there, ‘Derpy and Karyn.’ I wanted to wait until I saw you.”

“Well, I don’t want to keep you in suspense any longer. Go ahead.”

Derpy pulled on the gold ribbon with her teeth and it came loose. “Can you do the wrapping? I might rip it and your hands are so much more precise.”

“Of course I will.” Karyn found the flap and lifted it. She got off the paper in one piece, then Derpy opened the box and pulled out the object in it. It was like one of the spells Derpy kept in her saddlebag, but more sleek. If Derpy’s spells were like sneakers, this was like a high-heel pump.

“Hm. Why couldn’t Princess Celestia just cast this spell herself?” asked Derpy.

“It must be for our use on Earth. Hang on, there’s a letter in the box.”

The box was lined with more satin, and it was easy to miss the note among the fancy fabric. Derpy pulled it out and read.

“Ladies. In accordance with your willingness to expand your understanding of each other’s worlds with my guidance, please use this spell. Its effects last twenty-four hours. Sincerely yours, Princess Celestia.”

“Well, that wasn’t very revealing. Let’s use it and see what happens.”

Derpy put her hoof in the spell. “Brace yourself. Anything could happen.” She turned her hoof. “How did you get the spell?” she said.

“I have a few better questions. Why am I gray? What happened to my hands? Derpy, I’m a pony!”

“But then, what. . . “ Derpy held her hand in front of her face. “Oh, wow. The spell exchanged our bodies!”

“It did? I was not prepared for this.” Pony-Karyn’s voice was now deep and slow.

“I guess it won’t be too bad, if it’s only for twenty-four hours.” Human-Derpy took a step and face-planted the bed. “Wait a minute. I can’t fly!”

“Of course not. You’re me now.”

“How do you live like this?”

“I manage,” pony-Karyn said. “But how am I supposed to do, well, anything?” She waved her hooves in front of her, trying to pick up anything that was lying around, without success.

“Twenty-four hours like this? We’ll never make it.”

“Sure we will. We’re supposed to learn about each other, so let’s show each other how we go about our lives. Here, go ahead and try to use your hands.”

“To do what?” asked human-Derpy.

“Um. . . why not try writing something?

Human-Derpy picked up a pen on the working desk and held it in a fist. She put a piece of paper on the desk and tried to scribble on it. “This isn’t working!” she said. She dropped her hands onto the keyboard of the computer and saw some gibberish come up on the screen. She reached for the backspace key. “Oh, wait! Now this I can do! Oh, wow. No wonder this is your cutie mark! If I could do this, I’d never stop.”

“What exactly are you writing?”

“Oh, just anything that comes to mind.” Pony-Karyn came over and looked at the screen. It was filled with stream-of-consciousness words that made no sense, but human-Derpy kept typing.

“I should dictate and have you write for me. We can start by telling Princess Celestia just how appreciative we are of her gift.”

“I thought you didn’t like it.”

“When I’m back in my own body, remind me to explain sarcasm.” Pony-Karyn trotted around the room. “What am I going to do since I’m stuck as a pony?”

“Well, if nothing else, there is the fact that you can fly.”

“Yeah, big deal—wait. I can fly?”

Human-Derpy pointed her finger at pony-Karyn. “Yeah, you see those wings on your back? Use them.”

Pony-Karyn turned her head, amazed at the range she had with her neck. As she looked at her wings, Derpy’s wings really, that she was borrowing, she realized that a dream common to all humanity was in her grasp.

“How do I do it?”

“OK, this is really complicated. First, spread your wings.”

“Got it.” The pair of wings unfolded behind her.

“Now flap them.”

Pony-Karyn hovered off the ground a foot, then floated down to the ground. “That’s supposed to be complicated?”

“If that’s all you want, no. But if you actually want to get somewhere, you’ve got to understand about wind, air pressure, all sorts of aeronautics.”

“You know what? I’m happy just to have my feet off the ground. Or, my hooves rather.”

She flapped her wings again, then kept going. She smiled and laughed, bouncing up and down on nothing.

“I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself,” said human-Derpy, “but don’t count on making the Wonderbolts any time soon.”

“I just want to go try this outside!”

“Whoa there, little pony! Did you forget that we’re on Earth? You have to go invisible if you want to fly outside.”

“No, that’s you. Wait, no, it’s me now. Ah, I’m so confused!” Pony-Karyn put her hooves on her head. “I guess I’ll just stick to flying around the room.”

She took to her wings again. By leaning forward, she was able to get slight forward momentum. She enjoyed zooming around the room for a few minutes.

Without warning, she had a change in her vision. The pony started flying with exquisite skill, dipping and turning. Without thinking about it, she said, “Wow, Karyn, you’re getting good at that. Wait a minute, I’m Karyn. What’s going on?”

It took a moment of disorientation, but after that passed, both she and Derpy realized that they were back in their own bodies. “What’s going on?” said Derpy. “I thought it was supposed to last twenty-four hours.”

“So did I. Maybe this is part of the time difference thing. Twenty-four hours might have passed in Equestria while less time went by here.”

“That doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Get that note again.”

Karyn found the letter from the princess and passed it to Derpy. “I was kind of getting used to flying,” she said. “Maybe we should try the spell again.”

“Doesn’t look like we’ll have to. Here, on the back. ‘Note that the twenty-four hours are not necessarily consecutive.’”

Karyn laughed. “I love Princess Celestia, but sometimes she can be so exasperating. Still, I’m sure she set it up so that we get to experience each other’s lives thoroughly.”

“Maybe we should get a stopwatch so that we can count up and know when the spell runs out.”

“I think we’ll be able to do it by rule of thumb.” Karyn wiggled her thumb, glad to have it back. “But I do wish that we had a schedule. What happens if you’re flying along and all of a sudden you turn into me? Or I turn into you. You know what I mean. Your body won’t be able to fly.”

“I trust you to land it safely,” said Derpy.

Just then, the phone rang. Derpy looked about, not used to hearing the noise, but with her movable ears tracing it to the instrument by the bedside. Karyn walked over and looked at the display on the back. “It’s my mom. Don’t worry, this won’t take a minute. Just keep quiet.” She pushed the call button, and watched in panic as the blonde girl on the other side of the room brought the phone to her ear. She and Derpy had switched again.

“Um. . . hello,” human-Derpy said.

“Hi, Karyn dear,” the voice on the phone said. “How are you doing?”

“Great, can you hang on a second?”

Pony-Karyn had torn across the room and tried to take the phone away, but she wasn’t used to her hooves and dropped it on the floor. Trying desperately to push the mute button, she quickly realized that she would never be able to get it. She whispered, “Quick, push this button, the one with the little circle-slash on it!”

Human-Derpy still enjoyed using her fingers, so smiled as she pushed the button. “Got it.”

“What are we going to do?! I can’t talk to her with your voice. We sound nothing alike. I can’t even pretend that I have a cold. You’ll have to hurry her off the phone as quick as you can.”

“No problem.” Human-Derpy pushed the button again. “Hi, Ka—I mean, Hi mom!”

“What was that just now?”

“Oh, I dropped the phone. I’m such a butterfingers.”

“I see,” Karyn’s mother said. “How’s your day going?”

“Just fine. Having a fun weekend. How’s yours?”

Pony-Karyn covered the receiver with a hoof and whispered, “This is what you call hurrying her off?”

“Trust me.” She pulled the phone away. “It’s good, I’m good.”

“Are you all right? You seem distracted. “

“Huh? Yeah, I was getting ready to go out. It’s a nice day, you know?”

“It is a nice day,” the voice on the phone said. “All right, you go enjoy it. I’ll talk to you later. Love you, bye.”

“Good-bye.” Human-Derpy put the phone back on its cradle. “See, talking about the weather always ends a conversation. Unless it’s between weather ponies, and I know that your mom isn’t a weather pony.”

Pony-Karyn went to sit down on her desk chair. She tried to sit human style, found it very uncomfortable, then tried putting her back hooves on the seat and leaning over the back, but that was still awkward. She jumped off and glided to the ground.

“Can we please go to Equestria? If I’ve got to be stuck as a pony, I at least want to be where everything is built for ponies.”

“Sure we can. Let me get on your back.”

“Well, this is going to be a switch.” Pony-Karyn knelt down and felt the weight of human-Derpy on her back. She was surprised at how little she weighed. “If carrying my body is this easy, either you’re, like, superpony or I’m free to snack between meals whenever I want.”

“I don’t think I’m that strong. Ponies like Applejack are much stronger than I am.”

“I’m sure. OK, walk me through this. What do I do next?”

“Open the saddlebag,” human-Derpy said. Pony-Karyn looked around. “On your right flank. It’s the first spell in there. Good. Now put your hoof into it. Wait! Don’t turn it yet.”

“Why not?”

“Because we always end up in the air. Don’t forget that and panic. Just flap your wings after you do activate it.”

Pony-Karyn braced herself and activated the spell. Pumping her wings intensely, it was more like stepping onto an elevator than the parachute jump she feared. They hit the ground with a dull thud of hooves.

“All right,” human-Derpy said, “Let’s go home.”

Trotting toward the house, pony-Karyn felt the usual stares of ponies around. They always noticed the human in town, but she now realized that they had just as many odd looks for Derpy. Whether it was her eyes, her clumsiness, or her friendship with a human, the body she was occupying was an object of attention as much as hers.

When she reached Derpy’s front door, she finally got to see how ponies had adapted to not having hands. The latch was activated by pushing against another part of it. Whoever had built it, not having an opposable thumb, had added a mechanical one.

They went in and sat down. The couches were wide and deep and provided plenty of room for the pony body. But human-Derpy was having problems of her own.

“This isn’t comfortable. Why is your back so weak?” she said.

“Well, you have to sit human style. Put your backside under you.”

Human-Derpy twisted around to the position. “Oh! This is easier on my neck. I don’t have to crane to see things.”

“Oh, and aren’t you supposed to have vision problems? I can see just fine out of your eyes.”

“And I’m fine seeing out of yours. Maybe the spell knew enough to transfer that for us.”

Just then there was a rustling and a cry from the next room. “Muffinhead!” human-Derpy said.

The ginger cat walked into the room with his tail up. “Hey, little one,” pony-Karyn said, “maybe today you’ll let me pet and cuddle you, huh?”

Muffinhead bounced up to her and sniffed around. She extended a hoof and gave him a loving stroke on his head. He backed off, narrowed his eyes, and circled around the room until he came to human-Derpy. He meowed.

“Aww. You still know your mommy, huh?” The cat hopped up on her lap and still looked confused. Carefully she used her hand to stroke his fur. Finally he started purring and smiling.

“I can’t win,” pony-Karyn said. “Did we switch smells too?”

“I think he knows my touch. I know the way he likes to be petted and—yeow! Take it easy, Muffinhead!”

The cat had extended his claws and was pawing at human-Derpy’s lap. He was penetrating through her denim jeans and knitting at her skin.

“Be careful with that body,” pony-Karyn said.

“I see why you wear clothes all the time. Your hide is a lot thinner than mine is. And more sensitive as well.”

“Yeah, but that’s not all bad. We can tell heat and cold faster than you can probably.”

“It’s true. And I do get more sensation in these hands than in my hooves. But why are your ears paralyzed?”

Pony-Karyn thought about that. “Actually, there are a few people who can wiggle their ears. I think anyone can learn if they really put the effort into it. But there’s no point. We hear well enough just by turning our heads or our whole bodies toward whatever the sound is.”

Human-Derpy nodded and moved her head for practice. “It’s also weird having a round head instead of a normal one. That reminds me, speaking of round.” She reached down and pulled up her shirt. “About these things you have.”

“Isn’t it about time we switched back randomly?!” pony-Karyn said.

As if she triggered it, Karyn found herself back in her own body clutching her chest. She quickly recomposed herself and smoothed out her shirt.

“How much longer do you think we have to go?” Derpy asked.

“The better part of the day still.”

Muffinhead jumped down off of Karyn’s lap and walked over to Derpy.

“You could tell we jumped back, huh?”

“I guess it could be worse,” said Karyn. “We could be on a three-way rotation with him as well.”

Derpy laughed and trotted off to the kitchen. “I’d better feed him.”

Karyn was left alone on Derpy’s couch. She ran her hands through her hair and stretched her arms. She had taken for granted the feeling of her own body for a long time, but now, after having taken a vacation from it, she was grateful just to feel her hands.

“Hey, Derpy. Do you think we should write or go see the Princess? Tell her that we don’t really appreciate this?”

“We did say that we would help. Is it really so bad being a pony? Or is it that you don’t like me in your body?

“It’s not even that,” said Karyn. “I just wish she had told us outright what it would do and how it would be scheduled. And as much as I love magic, I prefer it when you’re wielding spells than being the object of them.”

“I know you like using them yourself though. If we switch again while we’re not together, feel free to use any of mine. Most of them are labeled.”

“What about the ones that aren’t?”

Derpy looked at her bag. “I guess don’t use those. They should be safe though. Mostly safe.”

Karyn appreciated the gesture. “And you can use my computer if you’re in my room. Just don’t go crazy re-writing other people’s systems.”

“I promise.”

“And at least we know it does have a time limit. We’re not going to be switching back and forth for the rest of our lives.”

Derpy had busied herself tidying up the house, when the switch happened again. “Come on, Karyn,” human-Derpy said. “Let’s go out into Ponyville. We’ll see if anypony out there can tell that we’re switched.”

Still slightly reluctant, but not wanting to let her body out of her sight, pony-Karyn agreed. They started walking out of the house, when she said, “Do you want to ride?”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I find that I like carrying you. When I have the strength, I want to use it.”

Human-Derpy mounted. “And I have to say I enjoy it. It’s harder to keep balance with only two feet on the ground. If I had always been human, I think I would have just kept on all fours.”

“It’s not nearly as comfortable as you think.”

They reached the marketplace. “Is there anything you need me to pick up for you?” pony-Karyn asked.

“Hmm. . . I did notice that I was low on cat food.”

“OK, lead me to where I get that.”

“It’s at the far end,” human-Derpy said.

Pony-Karyn smiled a little. “At least you didn’t just pull my mane or look for reins to guide me.”

“Of course not! Why would I?”

“Remember that horses and ponies on Earth aren’t that bright. Humans have to guide them by gesture instead of just telling them where to go.”

“Maybe I need to teach them a thing or two,” human-Derpy said as she dismounted. “OK, go to that far stall and ask them for the cat food. I’m going to browse around for a few other things.”

“You’re not coming with me?”

“I’ll be along in a few minutes. Don’t worry. You’ll blend in fine. It’s me who everypony will be looking at.”

Pony-Karyn watched her own body walk away toward the other sellers. She found the booth that had been indicated and trotted up to it.

“Could I please have a pound of cat food?” she asked.

“Why so formal today, Derpy?” the pony behind the booth asked. “I know what you get.”

“Well, actually, I’m not Derpy. I’m her human friend, Karyn, stuck in her body by means of a spell that Princess Celestia sent us to see how we would react.”

The sales-pony burst out laughing. “Oh, that’s a good one! You always make me laugh. Here you go. That’ll be twenty bits.”

Karyn ran through it in her mind. She remembered that sometimes the vendors were willing to haggle. She wasn’t experienced at negotiations herself, but it seemed to her that, if a bit was about a dollar, that twenty was overcharging. “Twenty? For one pound?”

“A pound? I don’t think it weighs more than a few ounces.”

Karyn blinked as she realized that she was talking to a different pony. The cat food seller had been a pink mare; this was an orange stallion. She was back in her own body.

She looked down in her hand. There was a pendant in the shape of a dragon’s claw. She was confused until she saw Derpy flying toward her.

“That darn spell! It chooses the most inconvenient times. Now the surprise is ruined.”

“What surprise?” Karyn asked.

“I’m buying that for you.”

“What were you going to use for money? I don’t have any bits on me?”

“Oh, right,” said Derpy. “But it’s for you when you’re stuck as me. I’ll wear it, and whenever we switch you can look at it and remember that you have fingers instead of hooves.”

She reached into her bag and found the twenty bits, and passed the pendant onto Karyn, who clasped it around Derpy’s neck.”Thanks. Even though it’s kind of for you.”

“Are you going to go out and buy a pair of wings to wear for when I’m in you?”

“Not costume wings, but wing pins are popular. People will just think I’m a pilot or something. I might do that,”

“Come on, let’s get home and give this to Muffinhead before we switch again,” said Derpy, holding up the bag of cat food.

As they walked out of the market and the booths thinned out, Karyn said, “What’s the cat food made of anyway? Aren’t cats carnivores?”

“Yeah. There are a few farms that have chickens and pigs and lambs that are used for animal feed. We know that there are carnivores, we just can’t eat meat ourselves.” She looked at the bag. “Hmm. . . I guess I could try to see what eating meat is like when we’re switched.”

“Don’t you dare! I can, but I don’t, and I don’t want you to either.”

“I’m just kidding. I wouldn’t. Either I’d hate it, and that’d be no fun, or I’d like it, and know that I’d never get to do it again. Whatever happens, I’d be unhappy.”

Karyn was relieved and calmed down. They made it home. “All right, Derpy. I guess I’d better go home. We’ll meet up and compare notes next week. Take care of me, and I’ll take care of you.”

“Good luck,” said Derpy. She held out her hoof and shook Karyn’s hand.

Next week: the swaps come fast and when they least expect it!

28: A Mile in Another Derp's Shoes

On Tuesday morning, Karyn slapped her books down as she entered the classroom. Although they had no assigned seats, she had gotten used to the second row, second column, and came early to get it. It was out of everyone’s way and easier not to be noticed. She waited for the professor to come in and daydreamed. There was a rumor that a pop quiz would be given that day, but she wasn’t worried. The required liberal arts courses were dumbed down so that anyone could pass them, and the history class she was in was no exception.

As her thoughts drifted idly, so did her body, and she found herself in midair. She panicked for a second, then remembered what Derpy had told her and spread her wings for the glide. When she landed, she took stock of her location. It was the Ponyville post office.

That makes sense, she thought. If it’s Tuesday morning here, it would be time for her to go to work. But that means she’s in my body in my class! What if she fails my test? Don’t panic now. You’ve got to do the best you can at her job because she’ll be doing all she can for you.

“Hello! Equestria to Derpy!”

Somepony was talking to her. Pony-Karyn blinked and said, “Yes?”

“About time you came around. Postmaster General wants to see you.” It was a stallion in a blue uniform that she realized must signify a postal employee, possibly her boss.

“Right away, sir! Um. . . where’s that exactly?”

“The second door on the left, same place it’s been for the last twenty years.”

Pony-Karyn quickly composed herself. She was not doing well, but at least she had Derpy’s reputation to help her. She headed to the second door.

This guy must be the big boss. And he’s actually named Postmaster General, which is weird, but I guess it’s par for the course with ponies.

She knocked on the door with her hoof. The cornflower blue pony inside beckoned her in.

“Ah, Derpy, good to see you.”

“Likewise, Mr. General.”

He laughed. “Always with the jokes.”

Just then a secretary walked in with a paper for him to sign. “Thanks, Mr. Mintsugar,” she said. Pony-Karyn shut her eyes. The stallion in the sash had called him by his title, and she had assumed it was his name. Luckily, she seemed to be getting away with it.

“Anyway,” he continued. “Lazy Susan called herself in sick, so you’ve got to take over her route today. I know you won’t be familiar with it, but just do the best you can.”

Pony-Karyn breathed an internal sigh of relief. If she messed up, she had a built-in excuse. “I’ll certainly try, sir. I know that all these ponies are waiting for their letters.”

She went back out to where the blue-uniformed stallion was. “I’m supposed to take Lazy Susan’s route,” she said.

“Yeah, I heard.”

“So, um, where do I get the mail to take there?”

He sighed. “Do you want me to run the route for you?”

Pony-Karyn decided not to be intimidated by this pony, even if he was bigger and more boisterous. “No, I just want you to do your job and make sure I get the mail to the right place.”

He stared at her. “I’m sorry, Derpy. Let me get it for you.”

He found a sack of mail and strapped it to pony-Karyn’s back. She stepped out and took off.

******************************************

Derpy was drifting through the air on the way to work when she felt herself slam to a halt with her rear end in a chair. She blinked and looked around as she realized what had happened.

I’m in a college class for humans! she thought. This is going to be awesome. I’m going to learn so much about their world now.

She turned to the young man next to her. “Hey, do you know what we’re going to learn today?”

“Did you miss last week? We’re still on double-you-double-you-eye-eye.”

Human-Derpy’s eyes almost returned to her crossed state. “Oh, that sounds really interesting.”

She hoped that he couldn’t tell how confused she was, and decided to keep a low profile during the class. The professor entered a few minutes later, and human-Derpy was amazed. She had never been to college herself, and had a mental picture of all instructors as vibrant young folks like Cheerilee. The fellow who entered was graying at the temples and wore thick glasses. As he started his lecture about history, she concluded that he must have gotten his position as a history teacher by having been present at the events of which he was talking.

A half hour later, she sat stunned as she had listened to the lecture. It wasn’t the content that bothered her as much as the disaffected way that the professor described it. Even the students seemed bored and weren’t as emotionally affected as human-Derpy was.

She endured the tales of horrors and atrocities as long as she could, then heard something she couldn’t believe. She looked around the room to see if anyone else was going to bring it up. Finally she had enough and raised her hand.

The history professor liked to have students engaged in the class, but didn’t expect it in the 101 and 102 levels.

“Yes, miss?”

“Um, OK. If these Japonese—“ that was the word she heard, anyway—“knew they were going to crash, why didn’t they just go land somewhere else and not tell anypo-anyone?”

“Well, there was such a thing as national pride. Although a study of the culture of that time would be out of our depth, there was definitely a unique perspective.”

Human-Derpy was still shocked. She couldn’t reconcile in her mind the kind human she knew with the story she had just heard. She wasn’t even sure whether or not to believe it. But a moment later, she had a more immediate problem to deal with, as the professor announced the feared pop quiz was indeed about to occur.

Her initial delight about at least being able to write like a human was quickly dashed when she found out that the test was multiple-choice. She was handed a small card and read through the instructions. She found them simplistic, but was strongly unnerved about the test itself. It wasn’t fair to Karyn, she thought, to have her take the test when she hadn’t been in the class, but wasn’t about to explain that she was off delivering mail in the pony world.

Nonetheless, she felt that she owed to her friend to give it the best effort that she could. She worked by process of elimination on the multiple-choice questions, and looked for easy true-false questions that were too specific and used words like “never” and “always.” Although she had never been to college either as a pony or a human, she had an instinct for how a test writer would think. To Derpy, all questions were trick questions.

When she was finished, she looked around and saw that she was the first one finished. That made sense, since she wasn’t thinking about the subject matter per se. She decided not to hand in the test. Not only would that be particularly conspicuous, but if by chance Karyn switched back into her own body, she could check over the test herself.

As it happens, they did not, and Derpy waited out the entire period bored. She reflected on what she had learned and resolved to ask Karyn more about it. She finally jumped back as she was heading back to Karyn’s dorm after the class.

******************************************

On Thursday afternoon, Karyn had already finished with her classes for the day and returned to her room. She tried to keep herself on a schedule, and Wednesday was her cleanup day, but she had gotten distracted hanging out in the common room the day before and put it off. She was all set to begin tidying when she felt the switch again. At least this time she was on the ground.

She took stock of her situation. She wasn’t on the mail route, so Derpy must have already taken care of that, but neither was she at home. She didn’t recognize any of the surrounding buildings, so she just walked forward.

Soon she came to a wooden fence that seemed a little familiar. The veil was lifted when she saw the red barn come up over the horizon. Applejack was standing outside pitching hay. Pony-Karyn thought about waving hi, but remembered that she was in Derpy’s body and didn’t want to have to give an awkward explanation. Applejack saved her the necessity when she saw her.

“Howdy, Derpy. What’s shaking?”

Pony-Karyn faced a dilemma. Should she try to fake being Derpy or try to convince her of the truth? It was one thing to fool ponies she was only seeing for a few minutes, but Applejack might well be Derpy’s friend, and Karyn hoped that she would be hers as well.

“Well, actually. . . “

“That’s incredible,” Applejack said after Karyn had explained. “That’s the princess for you, always pushing the envelope on what we know.”

“Yeah, so on Tuesday I worked a mail route, and now I guess I should go to Derpy’s house and take care of it for her.”

“Well, if you’re lookin’ to learn about Equestria, you might try seein’ what it’s like on the farm.”

Pony-Karyn looked over Applejack’s shoulder at the bales of hay that she had stacked. “What did you have in mind?”

“Well, you can’t buck the trees the way I do, but there are plenty of things that a pegasus can do to help.”

So it happened that pony-Karyn found herself tying the hay into bales and stacking them next to the barn.

“So what do you use the hay for?” she asked.

“You eat it, of course. But we also use it for animal feed and such.”

Pony-Karyn took a little bit of one end, then spat it out. “Still tastes like grass to me,”

“I’m glad you like it.”

“Hey, Applejack, can I try an apple instead?”

“Sure. Help yourself.”

She flew up to the top of the nearest tree and picked a shiny red apple. She was unused to eating an apple without washing it first, but figured that ponies did it all the time. She also wished that she could remove the skin, but bit into it.

“It’s tasty. Fresh. I like this.”

“You should. Everypony knows that we’ve got the best apples here.”

“Yeah. For the work I’m doing I should at least get a pie or a fritter or something.”

Applejack laughed. “Don’t worry. I’ll hook you up.”

Pony-Karyn went back to hauling hay. Applejack’s stack of bales dwarfed her own, but she didn’t feel too bad, not being experienced. As she stacked the last of them, Applejack went inside. It was right then that she made the leap back into her own body.

Derpy looked around. “Huh? Why am I working on a farm?”

Applejack walked out. “Here you go, Karyn. A whole box of apple turnovers, all for you.”

Derpy was still confused, but recognized a treat when she saw it. “Thanks!"

******************************************

Derpy was heading home from her route in high spirits when she found herself relaxing at Karyn’s desk, the computer screen showing a news web site. Deciding that she had enough of depressing human stories since the class two days before, she switched it off and tied to find something to do.

“Ugh, this place is a mess,” she said to herself. Karyn’s desk was laden with papers, books, and an empty soda cup. Derpy tossed the cup into the trash bin and found a leather-bound notebook. She opened it to reveal a day planner. It fell open to that day’s agenda which showed “Clean dorm” written and doubly underlined.

“Well, if she was going to do that, I suppose I’d better help.”

She went around collecting all the trash and putting it in the bin. It quickly overflowed, and human-Derpy poked her head outside to find the larger receptacle for the floor. It took several trips this way. On the last there was another girl there. Human-Derpy gave her a smile, but she scowled in response.

“You know,” she said, “you should really separate your trash.”

“Oh, I have. This is my fourth or fifth trip here.”

“No, I mean take out your recyclables. The green bin’s down the hall.”

“My what now?” asked human-Derpy.

“You never heard of recycling? Are you not from here?”

Thankful for the escape, she said, “Nope, I’m not. My name’s Karyn, what’s yours?”

The other girl didn’t respond, but just said, “Whatever, just go ahead and dump it. The earth can go ahead and rot because of you.”

She walked off, and human-Derpy was left looking at the pail. She didn’t see anything in that would damage the earth, but she made a note to ask Karyn about it.

At last the room was emptied of the trash, and human-Derpy could get down to organizing the rest of it. She made the bed, finding it much easier to do with hands than her normal teeth-pulling method. Just to see what it was like, she tried mouthing one corner in, and immediately gave it up to go back to hands.

Then she neatly stacked the books that had been strewn around in alphabetical order. By this point, she was getting a little frustrated. She muttered to herself, “Come on, Karyn, couldn’t you just keep it neat for me? It’s not that difficult.”

She realized that she was being unfair. Karyn wasn’t planning on having anyone else visit, and even Derpy’s presence was not something she had planned for. How she wanted to keep her private room when no one else was around was her business.

But now Derpy was there, and she liked an organized space. She had a theory that with her thinking as jumbled as it was, she needed an anchor of rationality to give her something to hold on to.

It hadn’t always been that way. When Dinky was a filly, she had been the mess that most foals were, and Derpy hadn’t minded. But at that point she had Dinky herself to serve as an anchor to reality. There was nothing she wouldn’t do for her filly. She made another mental note to prepare, as Dinky would be visiting soon.

When that was done, she made an actual note for Karyn. While she used her hands to make the bed, she still found it easier to write with her mouth. “Dear Karyn,” she wrote. “I hope that you are well, and that you don’t mind too much that I cleaned up your room. If you are, feel free to mess up my place the next time you’re there. I’m looking forward to seeing you soon once the spell finally wears off.

“Love, Derpy.”

******************************************

On Saturday night, when Derpy switched once again into Karyn, she found herself wearing a black dress and her hair done up, with a bottle of perfume at the ready. Determined to maintain Karyn’s life as best as possible, she decided to put it on and see if she couldn’t figure out what the occasion was.

“Maybe I should look for her day-planner again. That was helpful last time.”

Before she could rummage through the desks, there was a knock at the door. She opened it to a young man in an ill-fitting shirt and off-center tie. His shoes needed a shine, but the cut of the clothes still gave an air of formality to him, particularly in the low light. Human-Derpy was more surprised that it was a face she recognized.

“Mike?” she said.

“Were you expecting someone else?”

“Well, no, I wasn’t expecting. . .” Her speech slowed as she took time to think. Clearly Karyn hadn’t broken up with Mike after the last incident, or had gotten back together. Karyn must not have told her because she knew that Derpy didn’t like him. And under normal circumstances, it would be none of her business. But once again she had committed an involuntary invasion of privacy. She ought to do her best to be Karyn and then pretend she didn’t know.

On the other hoof (hand, she told herself), she was still of the opinion that Mike was bad for Karyn, and the best thing to do might be to break them up again. She spent a few seconds weighing which option would hurt Karyn least, or if indeed she shouldn’t just try to beg off sick. No chance of that, though, having already dressed up and looking perfectly healthy.

Finally she decided that she had to be true to her friend’s wishes. She wasn’t Karyn’s mother, and had no right to interfere by magical means. Besides, she could always do it later.

“Hello?” Mike said.

“Oh, sorry. I spaced out for a moment.”

“I guess I do have that effect on girls.”

This might be harder than she thought. “I’m ready to go.”

“Well, at least that’s a change from most girls.”

Human-Derpy bit her lip and accompanied him out.

The dance club they went to was filled with other young humans, none of whom were infested with the consciousnesses of pegasi on the edge of a panic attack. Was she going to be expected to dance? Could Karyn dance? If so, would her skill carry over when it was Derpy in her head? Derpy liked music well enough, but preferred quiet listening to frenzied movement. It didn’t help that the music being played was more to Vinyl Scratch’s taste, while Derpy preferred the sort of thing that Octavia listened to.

Mike led her to a booth on the side of the dance floor and left to get them drinks. She stared at all the dancers and the black lights. When Mike returned, she would have to be careful to nurse her drink and make it last as long as possible. It would be just like him to try to get her drunk, and human-Derpy concluded that she would be more susceptible to liquor with the smaller frame she had.

He came back and set her drink before her and she took a sip. It was frozen and tasted like banana and strawberry. She liked it and had to remind herself to be careful.

“So,” he said, “do you want to dance or just hang out here?”

Still afraid of showing her ineptitude, she said, “Let’s stay here a while.”

He seemed pleased, and she realized why after a moment. He put his arm around her and leaned in. She felt that she had made a bad situation worse. Please, Karyn, come back and help me! she thought. I don’t want to kiss your boyfriend!

******************************************

When Karyn realized that she was pony-Karyn once more, sitting quietly in Derpy’s house, everything that would occur became clear to her. Derpy would be in her room, wondering why she was dressed up, Mike would be coming to the door any minute, and from there the situation could dissolve into any number of outcomes, all of which, she thought, were bad.

“This is horrible! What am I going to do?”

She hadn’t asked the question of anyone in particular, but there was an answer nonetheless. Muffinhead looked at her and said, “Blerp?”

“I wanted to tell her, I did, I just never got around to it. Now she’ll break us up again.”

“Myewp!” the cat said, pawing at Derpy’s saddlebag.

“You’re right, I’ve got to go to Earth and stop her, er, stop me!”

She picked up the bag with her teeth, awkwardly, and flipped it open. There was still no indication of which spell did what, but she hoped that invisibility and transportation to Earth were the first two.

Pony-Karyn activated the second spell in front of a mirror and was relieved to see that she couldn’t see herself anymore. She used the first one and found herself back in the dorm that she had left not five minutes ago, but it was too late.

Getting to the club was a challenge for pony-Karyn. Mike had the speed advantage by taking his car, but she had the ability to fly straight and cut corners. Her earlier fears about flying were gone. She soared fast and didn’t notice till afterwards that she wasn’t nervous. It took a few more minutes to wait for a break in the club’s entrance line to sneak in invisibly, then she finally spotted herself.

Mike was just leaning in to give her body a kiss when pony-Karyn reached human-Derpy. She pulled her away and Mike wound up leaning past and awkwardly righting himself. Human-Derpy reached to her left and felt feathers and fur.

“I’m sorry, could you excuse me for a moment?” she said to Mike.

She ran off to another alcove and whispered to pony-Karyn, “Thanks for getting me out of there! I did not want to kiss him.”

“And I didn’t want you to. Oh, this is awkward.”

“I wish you had told me that this was going on.”

“Well, I know how you feel about Mike,” pony-Karyn said. “And thanks for not just slapping him and walking away.”

“I thought about it, but I couldn’t do that to you.”

“Anyway, that doesn’t tell us what we should do now.”

From pony-Karyn’s invisible bag, a pop and a ding were heard. This time, they actually felt their consciousnesses moving in space to the other body.

“That must have been the last of the twenty-four hours,” said Karyn. “We’re saved!”

Derpy breathed a sigh of relief as well. “All right, you go back to your date. I’ll see you back at the dorm. Tomorrow’s our day, remember.”

“I wouldn’t miss it.”

When the sun rose the next morning, Derpy and Karyn woke up together and got cleaned up. “I’m going to check back in at home before we do anything else,” said Derpy. “You want to come with?”

“Sure.”

When they were back in Equestria, with Derpy topping up Muffinhead’s water bowl, there was a knock at the door. Karyn took it upon herself to go get it.

“Good morning, Miss Karyn.”

“Princess Celestia!”

“It’s good to see you back in Ponyville. Tell me, how did you like my little gift?”

Karyn thought about how best to be diplomatic. “It certainly gave me new insight into pony life, which was what you wanted, right?”

“It was indeed. And Miss Derpy?”

“You can ask her yourself. She’s in the kitchen.”

Derpy came out and curtsied to the princess. “Nice to see you again,” she said. “Come to hear about our adventures in each other?”

“I would like to hear that, but there’s something else we need to discuss.”

“Oh?”

“Yes. Come in, please,” Celestia said to the door. It opened and a blue unicorn walked through.

Derpy smiled. “Dinky!”

Author's Notes:

Here's what's coming up in next week's chapter!

Still cautious, Dinky put her hoof in Karyn’s hand and shook. “Dinky.”

“I’ve tried to be a good friend to your mother, and I’d like to be to you as well.”

Dinky opened her mouth to say something, but Karyn interrupted and pressed her advantage. “And to prove it, I’ll help you out of this jam.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dinky’s mouth dropped. “Come on, let me relax a little. I haven’t even had a chance to unpack.”

“Well, all right, you can do that. Your room is exactly the way you left it.”

Dinky started to leave the room, then came back. “Mommy, this is a new house. I don’t even have a room here."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Derpy caught up with them and landed. “Did you two get everything sorted out?”

“I think so,” said Dinky. “Karyn really is a good friend.”

“I know.”

29: Making a Good Dinkpression

The first thing that struck Karyn was how similar, and yet how different, the grown-up Dinky looked to the Great and Powerful Trixie. Her mane had bleached out a little and she comported herself with grace and poise, but Dinky’s smile was one of kindness as opposed to Trixie’s smile of malice. That was the only impression of Dinky she could make at first, though, since Derpy was monopolizing her with hugs and wet, sloppy pony-kisses.

Conscious of the princess still standing next to her, Karyn said, “Can I get you anything, your highness? It’s not my house, but I know a little of its layout and I’m sure I could find you some tea or a bite to eat.”

“Thank you, no. I have things to discuss with Derpy, but it would seem that is not feasible at this time. Instead, let us talk more of your recent experiences. Would you like to be a pony again some time, perhaps?”

Karyn was very cautious with her answer. “Well, more than learning about being a pony, I think I learned something about being a friend. I don’t mean behaving as a good friend; I mean literally transforming into someone who you know as a friend. You always know that they have their own life apart from you, but you don’t really feel it until you have to do it yourself.”

Princess Celestia put her hoof to her mouth. “Interesting. I’ll have to consider that.”

Karyn got an idea and smirked. “Perhaps, now that you know the spell works, you might try swapping with your sister for a little while.”

“I’m not sure that I would learn anything by raising the moon. I did do so for a thousand years, you know. But she might enjoy raising the sun for once. I shall consider it. Meantime, let us try to extricate Derpy from her daughter.”

The hugging and kissing finally petered out and Derpy’s attention was drawn to Princess Celestia. “Thank you for bringing Dinky home, your highness. A personal escort from the princess, huh? You must be highly thought-of!”

Dinky looked at her hooves and waved her foreleg anxiously.

“It’s that of which I want to speak to you,” said Princess Celestia. “Dinky’s performance in magic school has been lackluster to say the least.”

“What?! But how? She can’t perform the spells you’re assigning her?”

“In fact, she often performs well on tests. But she has failed to submit several assignments and shows a predilection against working.”

Karyn and Dinky both felt awkward. “Come on, Dinky, let’s go get something to eat,” Karyn said. They retreated to the kitchen.

“I just don’t understand it,” said Derpy. “She was always so attentive in class before. Any time Cheerilee or I asked her to do something, she did it.”

“That may be part of the reason. She was always under somepony’s care. Now that she’s on her own for the first time, a free and independent mare, she may be letting the freedom go to her head.”

“Well, what are we going to do? Are you going to have to kick her out? Will she not be a Gifted Unicorn anymore?”

“I have taught many unicorns over the years,” said Celestia, “and have learned a degree of patience. We won’t be quite so drastic at first. But you do need to know because you can get through to her on a level that I can’t.”

“There’s something I can do that you can’t? Wow.”

“Are you looking to retake the crown?”

“Nononono!” said Derpy, backpedaling in the air and holding out her hooves. “But I’ll definitely have a talk with her.”

“Please do. Forgive me if I cut our visit short. There is never enough time for me to spend with the ponies I care about the most, so I need to count on all of you to help each other.”

Derpy bowed to Celestia, who headed out the door.

Dinky had sat down at the kitchen table while Karyn went through the cabinets grabbing treats. She had spent enough time at Derpy’s that finding things was becoming second nature.

“Don’t feel bad about that,” Karyn said. “If I had a bit for every time a teacher bawled me out to my mom. . .”

“Then you wouldn’t have to mooch off mine and waste her time?”

Karyn turned around to see Dinky staring daggers at her. “I beg your pardon?”

“I don’t know what your angle is, but Mommy doesn’t need you. She’s got me.”

Karyn was surprised and gave her response slowly. “No, I suppose you’re right. She doesn’t exactly need me, but I’m her friend. You can’t have too many friends.”

“Debatable. And there are plenty of ponies that would serve if she’s lonely. Which she’s not. Like I said, she’s got me.”

Karyn had an argument fully formed in her head. She could talk about how Derpy as an eccentric pony needed an out-of-the-ordinary friend, and she could talk about how being human didn’t rate second-class status. But before it could escape her lips, she held back. This was different. Dinky was family.

She gave her broadest smile and extended a hand. “Look, we got off on the wrong fo—hoof. I never even introduced myself. I’m Karyn.”

Still cautious, Dinky put her hoof in Karyn’s hand and shook. “Dinky.”

“I’ve tried to be a good friend to your mother, and I’d like to be to you as well.”

Dinky opened her mouth to say something, but Karyn interrupted and pressed her advantage. “And to prove it, I’ll help you out of this jam.”

“How can you do that?”

“Because I understand. I know what it’s like to understand a subject but not want to work at it. I’m a student too, you know. What I’m studying—your mother called it the human equivalent of magic—is interesting to study, boring to work at. I know how much of it is busy-work, and even Princess Celestia can’t get rid of all that. I know the temptation to just goof off when work has to be done, and the injustice you feel when you can pass the test anyway.

“But I also know mothers. I know that yours doesn’t reprimand you all that often, so you’re scared right now of what she can do to you. Not scared of her punishing you, but just scared to have disappointed her. She might even cry, and you know how much that will hurt. I’ll tell you the secret of mothers, though, that will make it all better.”

Dinky’s expression melted during Karyn’s speech until she was listening intently. “What is it?”

“Mothers don’t care about where you are. They care about which direction you’re going. If you make a plan, right now, about how you’re going to deal with the princess and your schoolwork, and let her know, you’ll tap-dance your way right past the reprimand. There’s still the matter of sticking to the plan, but at least you’ll have bought yourself some time.”

“What plan do I use?”

Karyn craned her neck toward the front room. “Well, there’s where you’re going to have to think on your hooves a little, because here comes your mother. Don’t worry, though. I’ll stay in the room. It’s never too bad when there’s a third party in the room. Mothers don’t want the embarrassment. I’ve been saved from a few yellings-at by the timely ring of a doorbell.”

Derpy walked into the room. Her face had not been built for scowling. It made Karyn want to laugh, though she avoided it. She could only imagine the pressure that Dinky was under. If her face broke and she chuckled, Derpy would be even more mad.

“I suppose you know what the Princess spoke to me about.”

Dinky took a deep breath. “I do, Mommy. I’m sorry. I was just talking to Karyn—we’re becoming good friends—about what I need to do to fix it.”

“And? What did you come up with?”

“Well, I think it’s an issue with time management. I’ll have to start keeping a written schedule. It’s too easy at school to leave a class and just play the rest of the day away.”

Derpy was still upset. “But you never needed that kind of schedule when you were going to school here.”

“I had you to help me out. You always told me what we were doing.”

“Yes, and I never needed a written schedule.”

That stymied Dinky, and she said nothing for a moment. She could sense her mother getting angry. Karyn decided that it was time to step in. “Everypony’s different, Derpy. I keep my written schedule. You’ve seen it. I’d be lost without it. Or take Mike. He never writes anything, but he has everything on his personal organizer.” She wasn’t sure that bringing up Mike was the best thing, but anything to deflect Derpy’s rage from its current target would help.

“And you also have always had things to do to organize,” said Dinky. “You had to take care of the house from the time you were little, but you never made me do any of that. I always had the chance to play when I wanted. I’m not used to having to do my work first.”

“Well, I suppose,” said Derpy.

At the first sign that her mother was being mollified, Dinky decided that now was the time to begin making excuses for sympathy’s sake. “I’ve also been worried about you. You know that I’ve always considered that I took care of you as much as you did me.”

“Aww.”

“I was afraid that you’d be lonely. I didn’t know that Karyn would be there.”

“I have grandpa as well,” said Derpy.

Dinky averted her eyes. “Yes, but he’s so far off. Anyway, now that I’ve met Karyn and I’ve seen how she’s making sure you’re not lonely, I’ll be less concerned and more focused on studying.”

Derpy looked skeptical, but she smiled and hugged her filly once more. “All right, I’m not mad at you anymore.”

“Whew!”

“But I want to make sure that we get ahead of your problems. Time management might not be enough. I want to find you some extra help with your studying.”

Dinky’s mouth dropped. “Come on, let me relax a little. I haven’t even had a chance to unpack.”

“Well, all right, you can do that. Your room is exactly the way you left it.”

Dinky started to leave the room, then came back. “Mommy, this is a new house. I don’t even have a room here."

“Of course you do,” said Derpy. “Karyn, could you show her where it is?”

“Huh? I don’t know which one it is.”

“Sure you do. It’s the room you stayed in when you were ill.”

“Oh, that one. All right, follow me,” Karyn said to Dinky as she led her up the stairs. Behind her, Derpy was staring at Karyn as if looking at her would trigger some idea she was having difficulty grasping.

Once Dinky had gone up to the room and removed her saddlebags, she turned to Karyn. “Thanks for the advice. You really helped me out there a lot.”

“What are friends for? At least it’s over now.”

“And you’re right. I was very scared of making Mommy upset. It hasn’t happened often, and there was only one time that was really bad, but—“

At that moment, she was cut off when Derpy entered the room, flying at top speed. She had bypassed the stairs and used her wings. “That’s it!” she said. “It’s just like when Karyn was having trouble with her schoolwork. We’ll go to Twilight!”

Dinky and Karyn looked at each other, then Dinky said, “Do I really have to? Can’t I have a second chance to go it on my own? Besides, what makes you think a big-time unicorn like Twilight Sparkle will help out somepony like me?”

“One, because she’s a very nice pony. Two,” Derpy had held up her hoof, but then realized that counting off wasn’t going to work without fingers. “I’ve helped her out on occasion as well. Three, she’s a librarian and it’s her job to impart knowledge.”

They were out the door and walking over to the library before Dinky could realize that by answering her second question, her mother had gotten out of answering her first.

Twilight opened the door, and Karyn poked her head in looking to see where Spike was lurking, but he was nowhere to be found. “Hi there, you three. What brings you round?”

Derpy explained Dinky’s troubles, and Dinky wished she wouldn’t put so much emphasis on her own failings.

“And so,” Derpy concluded, “since you were so helpful to Karyn when she had tests to take, I was hoping I could ask you for another favor by helping Dinky.”

“Of course!” Twilight said. “This will be far easier than helping Karyn. What Karyn studies, I can’t make heads or tails out of, although I certainly enjoyed seeing the books from Earth. But this is my specialty. I’m an alumna of Princess Celestia’s school after all.”

“See, Dinky, you’re in good hooves! Come on, Karyn, let’s let the two unicorns put their horns together.”

Dinky looked at her mother with a puss-face, but Derpy’s smile was too big to pierce. She turned to Karyn, who had some sympathy. “We’ll be back soon for you,” she said. “Just work hard and listen to Twilight and the time will go by like that.”

She went outside with Derpy and started leading her away. “Where are you going?”

“Remember all the creature comforts you got me while I was studying with Twilight? Does Dinky deserve any less?”

Karyn’s ulterior motive was to give Derpy a goal so that, as soon as it was over, they could return and pick up Dinky once more. Studying with Twilight might be helpful, but Dinky clearly wanted to ease into the process, and Karyn thought that would be the best way to do it.

They walked over to the open-air market and bought a few tidbits, after which Derpy told Karyn to head back to the library while she picked up some more things from home. Even though it was farther for Derpy, she was the fastest, and it was expected that they would arrive at about the same time.

When Karyn returned and saw Derpy coming the other way, she heard Twilight’s didactic tone. She put a finger to her mouth and said, “Shh. . . let’s listen for a moment and see how it’s going.”

They put their ears to the door. Twilight said, “Now, I’m sure Princess Celestia has spoken about true-names plenty so far. What are the three thaumaturgic paradigms for true-name vectors?”

Karyn looked at Derpy, wondering if the pony had any concept of what she was talking about, but Derpy shook her head. It was unclear to Karyn whether this was because she was a pegasus, or simply because she was Derpy.

Dinky was working through the answer. “There’s subjective, objective, and, um. . . the other one!”

“Yes, the other one,” said Twilight. “The conjunctive.”

At that point, Derpy was making enough noise that Karyn decided to open the door and reveal that they were there, rather than be caught eavesdropping. They walked in with their bags.

“Hey, you two. How’s the studying coming?” asked Derpy.

“Oh, quite well,” said Twilight. “Four, maybe six hours of this a day and she’ll be caught up to the class in no time.”

Dinky’s blue face took on a distinct tinge of green.

“Why not let her relax for a bit and enjoy a few snacks?” said Karyn.

Twilight returned to her duties as librarian and Derpy busied herself doling out the goodies that she and Karyn had bought. Karyn herself took Dinky aside.

“So what was Twilight saying about paradigms and vectors and all that?”

“You heard that, huh? It’s a really complicated way of saying something very simple. All it means is that there are some spells a unicorn casts on herself, like Twilight’s teleportation spell, some that are cast on stuff that’s lying around, and some that involve both.

“That’s what bugs me about the whole ‘Gifted Unicorn School’ to begin with. They take the things that any unicorn can do on her own and make it into a big production with lots of buzzwords. What exactly comes out of that? Maybe it makes you five percent better as a unicorn. But everypony else gets by just fine on ninety-five.”

Derpy picked her head up and joined in the conversation. “Dinky, you’re not everypony else. You can do anything you want to. You can have so much better a life than I did. Don’t you want that?”

Dinky sighed. “Yes, mommy.”

Karyn said, “Dinky, let’s go take a walk. Derpy, why don’t you come meet us back at the house? No, you don’t have to come with. Talk to Twilight for a little.”

Derpy was still looking like she was afraid to lose sight of Dinky, so Karyn stopped trying to be subtle. “I want to talk to Dinky alone.”

Once they were outside, Dinky let her expression drop. Derpy was hovering behind, but out of earshot. Karyn put a hand on Dinky’s shoulder.

“I understand this too,” she said. “Your mom’s telling you that you have all this potential, but you don’t feel the ambition for it. You can be anything you want, and how do you tell her that what you really want to be is. . . her?”

Dinky stared at Karyn, wondering how someone from another world could be so perceptive. “Not exactly like her, but I don’t want to be like Twilight, a famous unicorn who’s the best mage in town, maybe in Equestria. I just want a home and some time to play.”

“I know. We’re very much alike, you and I,” Karyn said, laughing internally at using a movie cliché. “But it’s not so easy. Everypony has to do a certain degree of work in this life. It’s just a question of when you’re going to do it. I used to always put it off, because I figured that if I only had time for fun or work, fun had better get done. But there is time for both, and if you procrastinate on the work, then the fun is less fun, since you have the specter of the work over your head.

“I mean it both short-term and long-term. Getting a day’s work done is good, but also, if you get this education now, the job you have later will be easier. I’ve watched your mom. She loves carrying the mail, but she wishes that she could have the time off she needs and shorter hours. Plus she had to pinch every penny. Just push through, another few years, and when you’re her age you can be as lazy as you want to be.”

“Really? And everypony will let me?”

“Nopony will be able to stop you,” said Karyn. “Not even your mom. She may want you to be a great unicorn, but I’m sure that she’s more concerned that you’re happy.”

As the conversation came to a lull, Derpy caught up with them and landed. “Did you two get everything sorted out?”

“I think so,” said Dinky. “Karyn really is a good friend.”

“I know.”

“Hey, Derpy,” said Karyn, holding up a finger. “What if I were to help Dinky out with studying?”

Derpy stared at Karyn’s forehead. “I don’t see any horn there. You don’t know anything about magic.”

“Well, I’ve had a little experience with spells.”

Derpy was confused, but then saw Karyn pointing to her saddlebag.

“And besides,” Karyn continued. “If Dinky’s passing all her tests, it’s not the technical help she needs. Anypony could be her study buddy.”

“Nuh-uh!” said Dinky. “I won’t be as motivated to study with anypony else.”

“Well, all right. We’ll give it a try,” said Derpy.

“Yay!” said Dinky and Karyn together.

When they returned to Derpy’s house, Karyn and Dinky went into the bedroom and spread the books over the bed. Dinky pulled out a homework sheet and started filling out the answers. After every few minutes, the glow of her horn would start to fade, the pages of the books would turn slower, and the quill pen would start to droop. Karyn prodded Dinky, sometimes with a poke in the ribs, sometimes just by telling her to focus. After an hour of this, the homework was finally done.

“See now, was that so painful?” asked Karyn.

“Yes!”

“Yeah, I guess it kinda was. But it’s over now.”

“And we can have fun together,” said Dinky.

“All three of us,” said Derpy, bursting through the door.

“Does everyone listen at doors today?” said Karyn.

Ignoring her, Derpy said, “Come on, you two. Those treats are getting cold!”

They went back down to the kitchen. Derpy had set the table and, in contradiction to what she had said, had baked goods warming in the oven. Dinky was quite interested in seeing the new one.

“I can’t believe you got rid of the old oven. That was a classic!”

“I’ll tell you about what happened sometime,” said Derpy. “Or Karyn can, she was part of it.”

“Seems like I’ve been missing most of the fun.”

“Well, there’s no reason we can’t have more. You’re always welcome when Karyn’s here. Or when she’s not, of course.”

Derpy excused herself to the restroom. Dinky looked around the kitchen.

“Karyn, I’m sorry that I didn’t trust you initially. I’m just thinking that my first memory of this room is always going to be being angry with you, when I know we’re going to be good friends.”

“Don’t feel bad. On Earth there’s a saying: you never get a second chance to make a first impression. Actually, it was a slogan for some shampoo, I think. The point is that it’s not true. Everypony I’ve met here, some are nice, some are mean, but there’s always more chances to change how they think of me.”

“Thanks.”

Derpy came back in and sat down. Karyn shuffled. “Well, I guess I’d better get going. I’m sure you two want some mother-daughter time.”

“I’d like Karyn to stay as long as she can,” said Dinky.

“Don’t worry. You’ll see her next week. I may have mentioned this, but we’re going to see Grandpa then.”

“I, um, oh, OK. Then I’ll definitely be here. I’ll try to come early.”

“I’m really looking forward to meeting him,” said Karyn. “Your mom’s told me so much about him.”

“Yes, I’m sure she has,” said Dinky.

Derpy led Karyn out to the balcony and took off. Karyn was eager for the next weekend to come.

Author's Notes:

Next week, the final chapter. . . for a little while at least!

“So tell me, what’s he like?” asked Karyn.

“Huh? Who?”

“Your father, silly filly. The guy we’re visiting.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They had left behind Ponyville and Appleloosa. The trees had thinned and the grasses were taller and less green as the train proceeded. Stops were fewer and farther between, and soon even the grass was left behind as they entered a desert.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Derpy trotted along the road.

“Don’t you want to wait for Dinky?” asked Karyn.

“She’ll be along soon enough. Come on, Daddy’s waiting.”

You won't want to miss this one!

30: The Sun Also Derps

And so, once more, Karyn and Derpy found themselves on the train.

It was a second-class ticket, not the all-the-bells-and-whistles of their first trip, but neither were they uncomfortable. They got to see the sights again through the window in a roomette.

They were heading southwest. The countryside was less densely populated than any region that Karyn had been to before. Gentle hills and valleys provided an almost roller-coaster experience.

“Dinky couldn’t make it?” asked Karyn.

“She’ll be along. She missed the train from Canterlot, but the next one isn’t too far back. She’ll certainly return with us.”

“I’d like to have her along for the trip though. She’s pleasant conversation. Not that you aren’t.”

Derpy grinned, then turned serious. “I think she had something to tell you as well. She asked if she could have a minute or two with you. Oh, well. If it's that important, she'll tell you eventually.”

“So tell me, what’s he like?” asked Karyn.

“Huh? Who?”

“Your father, silly filly. The guy we’re visiting.”

Derpy was still spaced out. Karyn tried again. “OK, what does he do? Does he still carry the mail?”

“Oh, no. No, he’s too old for that. He’s stopped working.”

“That’s nice, I guess. I’d like to stop working someday, so maybe I can ask him what retirement is like. I hope he’s enjoying it. But why did he move out so far?”

“A lot of ponies move there when they get older,” said Derpy, staring out the window. “It’s pretty, you’ll see.”

“I hope that he likes me. You can never tell how ponies are going to react.”

“Well, everypony’s unique, but he’s family. You saw how Dinky took to you.”

Karyn still hadn’t told Derpy about Dinky’s initial hostility, but even so, she was right. Dinky had been more receptive to a human than most ponies. It just took a little work.

They had left behind Ponyville and Appleloosa. The trees had thinned and the grasses were taller and less green as the train proceeded. Stops were fewer and farther between, and soon even the grass was left behind as they entered a desert.

Barrel and saguaro cacti dotted the land as the sun blazed above. Karyn watched dust devils pick up torrents of sand and spray them around. Even though she was warm, she didn’t risk opening the window. The sand would have gotten in her eyes, and whatever cooling the wind would provide wasn’t worth it.

“Is this where your father lives?” she asked.

“No, not here,” said Derpy. “Very few ponies do. A few pegasi just make sure that the desert doesn’t encroach past the boundaries set out by Princess Celestia. Nopony grows anything.”

“I hope the train doesn’t break down out here.”

“If worse comes to worst, we’ll just all have to take shifts pulling. I don’t think they’ll make you pull, though. The harness wouldn’t fit.”

Karyn grinned. The sandy desert gave way to salt flats that might once have been a river or lake. The reflection from the sun on the white salt blinded Karyn, and she shaded her eyes.

“It’s hard to believe that anypony can live beyond this. They seem cut off from the rest of Equestria.”

Derpy seemed distracted and didn’t respond at first. Karyn shrugged it off and went back to looking at the open plain.

The train made one stop in the desert, a town even more technologically backward than the ones Karyn was used to. This was like a stopover in the Old West. She thought that it would not be out of place to see two ponies having a gun fight at high noon.

Only a few ponies got on the train, and they were very old, reminding Karyn of Mr. Waddle, he of the pipe cutie mark.

She was still trying to get Derpy to be more engaging. “You said there were a lot of older ponies where we’re going to?”

“Huh? Yes, there are. And they’re not that cut off. This is just the most direct route.”

Derpy kept pausing and restarting her side of the conversation. “A few young ponies too, but no one wants that. Everypony should be old together.”

Karyn thought that it wasn’t so good for old people to not have any younger folk. They tended to be happier when there were unwrinkled faces and unbent backs around to remind them of their better days. But she didn’t disagree.

At last the train was pulling out of the desert into more lush lands. The area was still tropical, but now palm trees and ferns were more plentiful than the hardy desert plants. The train was making more frequent stops. When the train went around curves, Karyn could see the direction they were traveling, and she caught the first glimpse of the ocean horizon.

They disembarked at the station. A cobblestone road curved off into the distance. Karyn got the impression that they were walking atop some great retaining wall that held back the ocean. Derpy trotted along the road.

“Don’t you want to wait for Dinky?” asked Karyn.

“She’ll be along soon enough. Come on, Daddy’s waiting.”

Karyn shrugged and followed. She was still looking for the residential area, but hadn’t yet seen it. There weren’t even too many shops. The buildings that were along the road seemed more specialized. She passed a smithy, a mason’s shop, and a woodworker’s. I suppose they need to have these somewhere, she thought.

She raised her head to the sky. There were no clouds, only a deep and endless blue with the sun behind her. When she turned toward it, she squinted and the light made sparkles on her eyelashes. She could see tiny rainbows in the circles.

“It’s such a beautiful day today,” she said. “We picked a good day to come out here.”

“It’s always a nice day in this section of Equestria,” said Derpy in monotone. “Pegasi don’t let any clouds come by.”

She turned back and looked at Karyn. “Some ponies think that rain once in a while would be nice, just a plain, steady rain with some gentle clouds, but most are of the opinion that having the bright sun is better. Anyway, that’s what they do.”

“But how do they grow plants and keep it from turning into the desert?”

“Oh, everypony around helps out. They water the grass with hoses and use plant food. They do it at night though. Any day that you stop by, you’ll have the nice weather and the grass. Here we are.”

Derpy had come to a break in the shops along the road and turned down a little alley. At the end was a tall metal gate that was slightly ajar. She pushed it open with a hoof.

Karyn was about to follow when she heard the whistle of the train from off in the distance. “That must be the train that Dinky’s coming in on. Are you sure you don’t want to wait for her?”

“Huh? No, she’ll be along. Come on.”

Karyn walked through the gate.

She had always felt that Equestria was more beautiful than Earth, at least the parts that she had seen of both. After coming through the desert and the salt flats, she was prepared for some kind of desolation. Instead, she had a good idea of what paradise would be like.

The valley gently sloped away toward the sea. In the distance, gulls danced on a breeze from the sea. The sun’s reflection was a shimmer of gold on the water. Drawing her eyes back up, Karyn saw the network of marble-white walkways crisscrossed with the hedges. Each hedge had been squared off at the top with the precision usually reserved for topiary gardens. But there were no fancy designs here, just the simple beauty of shapes.

The houses that made up the village were small, and she wondered if any held more than one or two ponies. All were made of stone, and that gave the sun one more surface to shine on. That made sense, though. If this was a place where old ponies dwelt, they probably wouldn’t have large families.

Derpy had started down, but Karyn stood still, stunned by the beauty of the valley below. When Derpy noticed that she wasn’t being followed, she went back to Karyn.

“You coming?”

“Yes. Where does your father live?”

Derpy turned toward the valley. “Over yonder. In fact, maybe I should go and talk to him for a few minutes before you come down.”

“OK. When Dinky comes by, I’ll catch up.”

“Thanks.”

As Derpy flew down, Karyn realized that something was missing. There were far fewer ponies than ought to be in a town this size. The valley was every bit as large as Ponyville’s main square, but only a few gardens were being tended and, far off where she could barely see, a small gathering was being held. Was the beautiful day really so commonplace that the ponies didn’t want to run around and enjoy it? But she didn’t mind since the town itself was unspoiled. She leaned against the back wall of the building by the gate.

“Karyn!”

She heard a faint voice calling her from behind. Ducking her head out the gate, she saw the small speck of Dinky coming up the road to her. She waved and turned back to look at the valley. She was still in awe and wanted to use her time to look at it.

A detail she had missed the first time caught her eye. Throughout the valley, in among the yards and houses and hedges, there were small round stones. She couldn’t tell what purpose they served, if indeed they weren’t simply decorative. She looked to the yard closest to her and saw more of the stones close up. They looked like perfect, polished spheres.

“Karyn!”

Dinky’s voice was louder, and Karyn thought there might have been some urgency in it, but she was more curious about the stones. She walked over to inspect one closer, when she saw yet another odd thing. Far off, but still in view, Derpy had stopped and landed. She seemed to be focusing her attention on one of the stones themselves. “Did she get lost?” Karyn said to herself, but then continued toward the stone.

“Karyn, wait!”

Dinky was coming through the gate, but whatever it was could wait a moment. Karyn had reached the nearest stone. It was lacquered and reflected in the sun, and Karyn wanted to touch it and feel the smooth surface. She noticed that it wasn’t quite spherical, but had small pockmarks on it.

It looks like the surface of the moon, she thought. Why would they have so many copies of the moon here? I thought that for so many years ponies were afraid of it, since Nightmare Moon came from there. What would that symbolize to ponies?

Then it hit her.

“Oh, no,” she said, sinking to her knees. She looked around the stone for confirmation and found it. A name, and two dates with a dash between them.

Dinky had caught up to her, realizing that it was too late. Karyn looked down at where Derpy was facing the stone. “Then that means. . . “

“Yes,” said Dinky. “I’m sorry I couldn’t get you in time. I wanted to explain everything.

“It happened ten years ago, and Mommy got very depressed afterwards. She kept on saying how she didn’t know how she would go on without him. After a few days, I guess she decided she wouldn’t. She kept talking about him as if he were alive and had just moved away. She talked about visiting and spending time, and now she has one-sided conversations with him when she comes here.

“I told you that one time I really upset her. I don’t remember what the fight was about, but she said something like, ‘Grandpa will be very disappointed in you,’ and I spoke without thinking. I said, ‘He would be, if he were still alive!’ She stopped yelling at me, but she just cried. I’d never felt worse. I can’t ever say it again in front of her. That’s why I wanted to get you alone, but I didn’t have a chance last week, and then I missed the train today, so. . . “

Karyn was only half-listening. As though in a trance, she walked toward where Derpy was.

Things became clearer as she headed down. What she thought were houses were mausoleums. She passed a few where the marble tombs shone through the glass doors. The names of the ponies interred were carved inches deep into the rock.

She approached Derpy and was able to make out a few words. Derpy was speaking without lament or sadness in her voice. She really did act as if her father could hear her.

“I’ve been busier than I ever have been this year. Even with Dinky gone. Oh, she had a little trouble in school, but she’ll get over it. She’s so smart, but you know that. Much smarter than I was at that age.

“I made a new friend this year. Her name is Karyn, and she’s a human from another world. Some ponies probably think I’m weird for it, but I don’t mind. Not really. There have just been too many good things to come out of it.”

Derpy still hadn’t noticed Karyn approaching from above.

“Oh, and I got a cat too! Can you imagine? Silly, forgetful Derpy taking care of a little kitty. But I never forget to feed him. Actually, sometimes I wake up and worry that I have forgotten, but then I go down and check and his bowl is full of food. Isn’t that funny?

“I’m getting along well at work too. It’s hard, carrying all that mail every day, but you know that. Hey, I met Princess Celestia! Can you believe it? And not only that, but she made me a princess too! Only for a little bit, and to me it really didn’t count, but how about that? Maybe that makes you a king, huh?”

Karyn shifted on the grass, and Derpy picked her head up.

“Aha. Daddy, this is the friend I was telling you about. She takes care of me so that I’m never lonely. Karyn, do you want to say hi?”

Karyn felt a bit awkward. “Um, it’s nice to meet you, sir. Derpy takes just as much care of me. She’s really an awesome pony. You should be very proud.”

Derpy kept looking at the stone. Karyn watched her.

“She such a good friend and a mother. Don’t listen to her about other ponies thinking she’s weird. Everypony loves her. She hangs out with all the famous ponies, and we go all over Equestria. Even on Earth where I come from, we all love her. She’s kind and caring and it really shows.”

It was too much. Karyn’s voice cracked. “I just, I. . . she’s the most wonderful pony and. . . “

Derpy still spoke to the stone. “No, it’s OK, Daddy. I understand. You always get tired around this part of day. It’s all right, we’ll come and see you again in a little while. Dinky will want to say hi as well, and I’ll bring some of those chrysanthemums you like.

“Come on, Karyn. We need to let Daddy rest a bit. “

Tears streaming down her face, Karyn nodded. She trudged up the walk with her hand on Derpy’s shoulder. She didn’t know who was leaning on whom.

When they reached the top where Dinky was standing, Derpy said, “I’m going to go pick up the flowers. You two can visit for a little while. Dinky, you can see Grandpa when I get back, OK?”

“Sure, Mommy.”

Derpy went back through the gate. Once Dinky was sure that she wouldn’t hear them, she said to Karyn, “Are you mad that I didn’t let you know? I really tried.”

“No, I’m not. I’m not sure what to feel. Or what I ought to feel. I never knew him, but to see the way Derpy acts around him, it’s harder than if she cried.”

“I know. Thanks for playing along. We just have to be stronger than she is for once.”

“Of course I can’t contradict her. I know it would break her heart.” Karyn kept looking down, making sure she knew exactly where he was. “Tell me about him. What you remember.”

“Huh? Oh, well, he was a very large pony. A big stallion with lots of muscles, but he hadn’t used them for a while because all he did was carry the mail. I never knew my grandmother, but from what I gather she was kind of a silly mare and not attractive. That’s probably where Mommy gets it from. Anyway, all the other fillies said that she would never find a handsome stallion, but then Grandpa chose her, so I guess he saw something inside.”

“Your mother gets something from him as well, I think.”

“I’m sure, plus he raised her.” Dinky thought some more. “I would stay with him when I was a baby and Mommy had to work. He would make my breakfast every day. Every day he would ask me what I wanted, and every day I would say the same thing, toast. He made it for both of us and he never got tired of eating it. Or maybe he did and didn’t let on. That’s what I remember most, those breakfasts. Funny, how it’s the little things you remember, right?”

Derpy came back in. “Are you sharing stories about Grandpa, Dinky? He’s so nice, isn’t he?”

“Yes, he is,” said Karyn.

Derpy looked at Karyn, as if wondering why she answered. But her tears were drying and she was smiling, so Derpy said, “I got lots of flowers. Let’s go down and give them to Daddy.”

She had indeed. On her back was a tight arrangement of mums in white, yellow, red, and lavender. They were so bulky that they looked heavy, and it seemed like Derpy would tip over.

“Why did you get so many?” asked Dinky.

“We might get hungry.” Derpy reached her head around and pulled a yellow flower out, chewing on it as she started down. Dinky shrugged and bit down on a lavender one.

“Karyn, do you want a flower?” she asked.

“Um, sure.” Karyn took a white mum and nibbled on it as she brought up the rear. “It’s actually not bad.”

They reached the grave and Derpy began arranging the flowers around it. “Here you go, Daddy. We only ate a few, so the rest are for you. Unless we want a few more. You won’t mind, will you?”

They sat on the grass and talked and talked, the three of them, for hours. If Derpy addressed her father, Dinky and Karyn would talk to him as well, though for long stretches she did not. Eventually the shadows grew longer and the shimmer of gold on the horizon grew wider.

“Oh, look at the sunset!” said Karyn.

The sun was low enough to where you could look at it. The orange-red light suffused everything. A gentle breeze blew the ponies’ manes back, and Karyn’s hair as well.

“Sunset City. That’s what they call this place,” said Derpy, smiling. “I think it’s one of the prettiest parts of Equestria. Someday, many years from now, I’d like to come out here myself. I’ll watch the sunset every night and I won’t ever get tired of it. Someday when all my work is done and after I’ve seen you get married, Dinky.”

“Hey, don’t pressure me!”

Derpy laughed. “Take your time. Like I said, not for a while yet.”

Karyn’s emotions started welling up in her again. “Derpy, please don’t take this the wrong way, but I hope it’s a long time before you come here to stay.”

Derpy was silent for a long time, and Karyn was afraid that she had offended her or triggered something in her, but she was just looking out as the sun itself sank into the sea and turned to water.

“Karyn, do you know the best thing about a sunset? Do you know how they say that the anticipation of a big event a lot of times makes you happier than the event itself? Every sunset is a preparation. A getting-ready. Every sunset happens just so that a sunrise can happen soon. Every one. So long as Princess Celestia is around to bring it back, which is forever. So don’t ever be sad about a sunset. Promise me, OK?”

“I promise, Derpy.”

They all stood up and walked back up the hill, to the train heading East toward home.

To the new sunrise.

For Bernice, and for Charlie as well

Clip Show: Derparoid

Note: This isn't a real chapter, though there's a little new content. But maybe it'll bring up some nice memories. I beg your indulgence. Next week, though, there'll be something special.

Hey, Derpy! Look what I got!”

“What is it? Something tasty?

“No. At least I don’t think so.” Karyn pulled out a small black box and pushed a button on it. The top flipped open and Derpy could see now what it was.

“Oh, a camera!”

“Yeah. I figured we could start taking pictures when we do stuff so that we could reminisce about it later.”

“Cool,” said Derpy. “Let’s take pictures of each other now!”

“OK. Go pose against the wall.”

Derpy went over to the back of Karyn’s dorm and smiled, her tongue sticking out. Karyn pointed the camera and snapped the picture. “The only problem,” she said, “is that I can’t show it to anyone. Well, maybe I can upload it to the Internet and just say it’s a drawing.”

“Heh. You’re always worried about people finding out about me.”

“Well, I do have to keep you a secret. I told you that when we first met.”

“I remember,” said Derpy, closing her eyes and picturing it.

“I have so many questions! Do you really like muffins? Did you really wreck town hall? Do you hang out with the Doctor? What’s Dinky like?”

Derpy got the impression of the human as a little excitable, something like Pinkie Pie back home, but perhaps it was just the thrill of the meeting. She had to act as the voice of reason, not a typical position for her.

“Whoa there! Lyra told me that you would know things about Equestria, but not all those intimate details about me. And I don’t know anything about you, so why don’t you formally introduce yourself?”

“OK. Well, my name is Karyn Hubert, and it’s Karyn with a y, not an e. I’m a freshman here at USCI, studying IT.”

“That’s a whole lot of letters. What’s USCI and what’s IT? I think I got all the rest.”

“USCI is the name of the school, University of State College Institute. IT is information technology.”

“Infor-what now?”

“Information technology. It’s all about computers and phones and networking and stuff. How we can store data—which can be anything, words, books, pictures—and get them where they need to be seen.”

“Oh! You’re studying magic! My filly is—”

Karyn interrupted, chuckling. “No, it’s not magic. It’s all physical, based on the movement of microscopic particles.”

“Yep, magic!”

“Not magic. Just a system for handling ideas.”

“That’s magic, all right. It’s OK, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Twilight Sparkle back home studies magic and was worried when she first came to town that her friends wouldn’t like her for it, because another magician came to town and tried to upstage everypony.”

“You mean Trixie.”

“Oh, you know about that too. OK, tell me more.”

“Well, that’s who I am, really. That and someone who loves ponies. I watch it every week and I’ve even been to meet some other fans just to hang out. But now I’m hanging out with a real pony, which would give me so much cred if anyone knew. I guess I have to keep you a secret, though.”

“I’m the first pony to come to Earth, and they told me to keep a low profile. Maybe someday, though.”

Derpy snapped back to reality. “OK, your turn.”

Karyn straightened her sundress and gave a slight smile. Derpy struggled to push the button with her hoof and tilted the camera downward. The click and whir was heard.

“I think you might have cut my head off.”

Derpy went into a panic. “What?! Are you all right?!”

“No, I mean on the picture!”

“Oh. That’s not so bad then.”

“Well, it’s not good,” said Karyn. “This film is rare and expensive. Most people use digital cameras these days, but there’s just something about a Polaroid that makes it special to me. Maybe it’s the little white border, or the distinctive sound it makes.”

“Remember, you do have a supply of money if you really need it.” Derpy pointed to Karyn’s closet.

“Ugh, don’t remind me.” Karyn saw in her head the night she acquired the valuable dress.

“Rarity? Could you help me with the top part? I’m not sure how to wear this.”

“Of course, dear,” she said, walking behind the screen. “Do you see that round part? It stretches. Slip it over your head.”

Karyn found the elastic circle and put it on until it closed around her neck like a choker. Then Rarity used her magic and connected the wide end of the fabric to the skirt. “There,” she said. “What do you think?”

“Um. . . that’s all of it?”

“Well, I haven’t accessorized it yet, but as far as the base, yes. Is there something wrong?”

“But my boobs are hanging out!”

“Your what, dear?”

Karyn cast her memory back to the show. Every time ponies did dress up for parties or events, the outfits covered the flanks and the back. The equivalent area on a pony would be near their bellies, and those faced the ground. Rarity had clearly adapted her pony designs for how she thought a human would wear a dress. And since ponies didn’t have the nudity taboo, there was no way to explain. For that matter, ponies, at least of the Equestrian variety, didn’t have boobs at all. Even when Lyra sat human-style on a bench, nothing stood out.

How could she explain to Rarity that going topless was a shameless display of sexuality on her world, and that she would be mortified to appear in public like that?

“You see,” she said, pointing toward her breasts, “among humans—“

“You mean your chest! Yes, so beautifully round. And since your head is not nearly as elongated as ours, I thought I would emphasize the spherical theme. Hence the pillowy dress and the bubble pattern, which of course also underscores your connection to our dear Ms. Hooves.”

Karyn thought about that. While not a surfboard, Karyn had little enough that she was sometimes envious of her more well-endowed friends. But now, she realized, she was the biggest girl in an entire world. Maybe showing off wouldn’t be such a bad thing. It was certainly an opportunity she’d never have on Earth.

“I love it, Rarity. Don’t worry about me, and don’t change a thing,” she said.

“Hey! We should reenact some of the things we’ve been through together and take pictures.”

“That’s a good idea. We don’t have any pictures of us doing things.”

“We were too busy doing them,” said Derpy.

“So what kind of a picture should we try to make?”

Derpy thought for a while. “Remember when you came to Ponyville when all the Pegasi made it rain hard?”

“Sure,” said Karyn.

The wind and the torrent of water had subsided, so Karyn and Derpy went back outside. The porch furniture was soaked, so they just stood and watched.

The temperature had dropped, and Karyn took a deep breath, remembering how stifling it had been before the rain. There was a particular sweetness to the air, and no trace of smog or pollution. Far off in the distance, she could hear the low rumble of thunder that, on Earth, would mean the storm was moving off.

Suddenly, without taking the time to think twice and stop herself, Karyn kicked off her shoes and ripped off her socks. Then she ran out into the muddy street and stood in the rain.

She threw her arms out wide and danced. Derpy stood laughing on the porch. “Karyn, what are you doing? Before, you couldn’t stand getting wet!”

“The rain got to me!” she shouted. “Come on out. The water’s fine!”

Derpy shook her head and flew out into the street. Hovering and trying to stay out of the mud, she dipped and rolled until her mane and tail were sticking to her. “You’re crazy!”

Most of the other ponies were still inside, but a few were staring at Karyn. Laughing, she leaped at Derpy and dragged her down to the mud.

The rain was starting to taper off. Karyn looked up and saw pegasi rolling up the clouds like a carpet. For a minute or two, there was still a steady fall even though the sun was now out.

“Oh, a sun shower!” said Karyn. “I’ve always loved those.”

“So have I,” said Derpy. “The rain cools you off and the sun dries you. It’s the only time that you have to pay attention to the weather, but not do anything about it. Come on, let’s see if we can help anypony.”

Karyn said, “But how are we going to reenact that? The sun’s out today—“

She was cut off by a bucket of water that Derpy dumped over the top of her head.

“Hey! My carpet’s soaked!” Karyn said, but she was smiling.

“Oh, sorry. I guess I acted without thinking.”

“Don’t worry too hard about it. But take the picture at least.”

Derpy steadied the camera on a desk and managed to take a complete picture of Karyn with her hair slicked down. Karyn got a Sharpie and wrote “Rain Event” on the bottom of the picture.

“What should we do next?” asked Derpy.

“Fly up to the ceiling, will you?”

Derpy did as she asked, not sure why. “OK, what now?”

“A little closer to the overhead light, please. Do you remember when we went to the convention?”

“Of course! There were so many humans there, it was a lot of fun.”

Karyn prepared the camera for the shot. “And what happened with the light?”

Karyn looked up. One of the light fixtures was showering sparks down on the floor.

“Derpy!” she said, but with conflicting meanings. “I hope she’s all right,” battled with “I’m going to kill her for causing this.” She got up and walked out with the crowd. Everyone else was looking at the ceiling to see the display. Karyn was looking to make sure that flames didn’t cover a pony-shaped patch of air.

The sun was blazing outside, and the few sections of shade were quickly occupied. Karyn walked a few yards away to a multi-story parking garage and waited. I have got to get that mare a cell phone, she thought.

Out of the shadows walked Derpy. “There you are! Thank goodness you’re all right!” said Karyn.

“I had you in my sights the whole time. I just had to find a lonely spot to turn off the magic.”

“So what happened up there?”

“I just don’t know—“

“What went wrong, yeah, I’ve heard that one,” Karyn said. “Derpy, look me in the eye and tell me the truth. Did you set the light on fire?”

“I didn’t. Honestly! I would never do something like that, you know that. Shoot, I wouldn’t even know how.”

Karyn pursed her lips. “All right, you’ve got a point. And I believe you.”

“So what do we do now?”

“Early lunch? I can get sandwiches.”

“Works for me!” said Derpy.

Karyn went off to get the sandwiches. Derpy observed everyone standing and waiting for the con to re-open. They were smiling and laughing despite the trouble. Someone started singing, and everyone joined in. Derpy still had trouble making out the words, but she could sense the camaraderie that existed among all the attendees. She’d heard some awful rumors about humans on and off in Equestria. She wished that everypony she knew could see these humans. Whatever their history, any people who could achieve this were worth knowing.

“Well, if we’re talking about traveling,” said Derpy, “what about the time we went to the beach in Equestria? That was fun.”

“It was, but what I really liked was the train.”

“Well, the way we got the ticket isn’t one of the memories I’d like to preserve, but yeah, it was fun.”

Karyn smirked. “So let’s go back and get another first-class ticket and take a picture of the room.”

“You want to go back to the beach?”

“No, just snap the picture and go.”

Derpy looked askance at Karyn, before she realized that it was a joke. She cast her memory back to the train.

Soon after that, they pulled into the first major junction. Derpy flew off her seat and pointed. “Karyn! Do you see all those stone blocks? Those have got to be the ties for the new extension. I wish I could come and see them building it.”

“Maybe you should apply for the long-distance mail route.”

“Oh, if I had to fly all the way out here, forget it. My wings would fall off before I got halfway.”

“That would be no good,” said Karyn. “If your wings fell off, you’d have to join the railroad builders and swing a hammer all day.”

After the train pulled out of that station, it started to build speed. They advanced into a forested area, where trees zipped by at lightning speed. Karyn tried to spot some of the trees, but everything became a mesh of leaves and broken sunshine.

All at once the forest ended, and they were thrown onto a bridge over a gorge. Derpy heard Karyn’s sharp intake of breath, and she smiled. Thousands of feet below, a river meandered through like a shining blue snake. The sides of the gorge were painted in mineral deposits and shadows as the river had worn away the rock over uncounted years. Trees and bushes dotted the landscape, and occasionally, on the rock walls, a brave weed struggled toward the sun.

“I’m always impressed with this part,” she said. “I wanted you to see it like this, not knowing that it was coming. That’s why I had us take the day train back.”

Karyn was speechless. She just watched.

When they finally reached the towns and cities, Derpy said, “Look at the track next to us, going the other way. No matter how much of a blur all the surroundings become, that rail always looks the same.”

Karyn focused, and saw what she meant. The steel, long since polished to a mirror finish by the wheels of the trains, gave the illusion of stillness among the movement.

“It’s one more thing I love about the train,” Derpy continued. “Kinda symbolic, you know? Everything moves, but the rails hold steady.”

“I guess. I think I still feel the motion somewhat. It’s definitely going to be perfect once that loop is complete. It’ll mean that Equestria is always moving, that there’s always something new to do, something more to see. The ponies here will keep going, forever.”

“All right,” said Derpy, “But how do we simulate the picture?”

“Hmm. . . maybe we can’t do the train, but how about this?” Karyn pulled the pillows off the bed and put them in the middle of the room. “Lie down.”

Derpy was confused, but laid out on the pillows. “What’s it for?”

“Pretend that you just smashed the big sandcastle.”

Derpy remembered that and smiled as she had at the time. Karyn took the picture and labeled it as “Beach Fun.”

“OK, we just have two more pictures in the film pack. What should we do?”

Derpy thought about it. “I don’t know. What do you want to take?”

“Hang on a little. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Derpy sat in the room and sorted through the pictures they had taken. She would have to find an album for them.

When Karyn returned a few minutes later, she had something behind her back. “OK,” said Derpy, “What are we doing?”

“I went down to one of the local fast food places. Close your eyes.”

Derpy did, and felt something touch her head.

“OK, open your eyes and smile!” said Karyn.

Derpy did and Karyn took the picture. Then she ran over to the mirror and saw the golden cardboard crown. “Huh?”

“Congratulations, Princess Derpy!”

“Ack! That’s another one I don’t want to remember.”

“Come on, we have to look back and laugh.” Karyn thought about that incident.

Derpy sighed and slumped in the chair. Karyn rested a hand on her wing. “Thanks, your highness.”

“Oh, Karyn, please don’t ever call me that.”

“All right. Thanks, Derpy.”

“I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. I was so nervous the whole time. And I hated to have to dress down those ponies, even if they were mean ponies who wanted to experiment on you.”

Karyn smiled. “They deserved it though.”

“Yeah, I guess I did enjoy it a little. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Wait, do I have to raise the sun? I don’t know how to do that!”

“You don’t have to worry about that,” a voice said.

“Celestia! Please tell me that you’ll still raise the sun for me,” said Derpy.

“I’ll do more than that. You don’t have to be Princess anymore.”

Derpy had been sneaking around with the camera. As Karyn came out of her reverie, she felt the crown touch her head. Derpy pushed the button and took the last picture.

“Next time, it’ll be Princess Karyn!” she said.

“Hey, I wouldn’t mind so much. We could each have our own kingdoms and establish diplomatic relations, have state dinners, and royal consorts.”

“I like consorts, when they have good music.”

“Consorts, not concerts!” Karyn threw up her hands. “But that’s what I love about you.”

“And your patience is what I love about you.”

Karyn started organizing the pictures into chronological order. “It’s been a great few months. I can’t wait to see what happens next.”

“Me neither. You’re a great friend, Karyn.”

“You too, Derpy Hooves.”

A "Derpy's Human" Hearth's Warming Eve

Note: The events of this story take place contemporaneously with those in “A Lyra’s Human Christmas.” It is split into three sections, each of which covers one day. You can read that one first, or read this one first, or you can switch back and forth as each section comes about. I hope you enjoy this little gift.

Friday

When Derpy, by special appointment, appeared in Karyn’s dorm, she looked around, then started shivering.

“Brr! Shut the window, Karyn. It’s cold. Oh, and hello.”

“Sorry, Derpy. I know it’s silly, but when the weather starts getting colder, I like to open the windows and sleep under two thick blankets with warm pajamas on. And we don’t say hello now, remember.”

“That’s right! You told me about this. Merry, um. . . “ Derpy searched her memory. “Merry Chrysalis!”

“Christmas.”

“Christmas. It’s a hard word to say.”

Karyn got up and shut the window, then turned to face Derpy with a big smile on her face. “Maybe so, but it’s the best time of the year!”

“Tell me about it. What makes it so good?”

“Well, first of all, there’s all the decorations. The stores and the homes all put up pictures and drawings and lights, ooh, the lights are the best. Some places have lights with lots of colors that blink on and off and make it look like Rainbow Dash is flying by. Some have white lights that hang down from their roofs like icicles. Some people really go all out and make panoramic displays with their lights, and people come to watch and they have to help pay for the power to keep the lights on.”

Karyn ran over to her computer and pulled up a video of one of the fancy light shows. “Then there’s the music!” she said. “Special music that we only play at this time of year. It’s happy and stylistic, and because you don’t listen to it for so long, every year it’s like an old friend coming to visit. There are old standards and new pop songs, and most of them are good.”

Derpy sat in the chair at the computer desk and watched the light show. The pictures that the lights made nearly hypnotized her, and she was just bobbing her head to the music. When it finally ended, she said, “I liked that.”

“And this is just the beginning. It all ramps up until the big day. That’s the best part.”

“Huh? Why is it so good?”

Karyn looked out the window. “Maybe just because there’s so much preparation and anticipation. Everyone works a little harder each day so that we can have a true holiday, a day of rest and fun. We save our money, we buy presents, we put up the decorations, we plan parties. Kids look at the calendar each day counting it down. On the night before, Christmas Eve, everything slows down and it’s the calm before the storm. The world takes a deep breath, you go to sleep, and then you wake up and you can’t believe it’s happening. You go downstairs and see the presents under the tree.”

“Presents?” Derpy’s voice became nervous, but Karyn didn’t notice, being so focused on her story.

“Yeah. That’s what kids look forward to. It’s kind of funny, really. Every young child makes up their list and hopefully they get it. We wrap the presents so that Christmas morning there can be paper all over the place and a big mess of stuff. The kids open everything, but then they don’t get to play with it because family visits are happening. It’s OK though, because there’s a week off from school where all the kids can take the video games they’ve gotten and beat them, or whatever—Derpy, are you all right?”

Derpy had put on her puss face and was looking down. “I’m fine. Just go on, tell me more about Christmas.”

“At Christmas dinner, we—no, I can’t do this. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“It’s just that, talking about the presents, I think back to when Dinky was young. We don’t give presents or Hearth’s Warming Eve. I mean, ponies don’t, but I wanted to. You know me, I like to be different. In any case, I could never get Dinky all the best toys. If everypony else had the Carrot Patch Foal, I could only afford a regular doll. It was always like that.”

Karyn wanted to sympathize, but couldn’t find the words. She had always gotten the toys she’d asked for. Instead, she said, “Can I tell you a story?”

“Sure, go ahead.”

“When I was young, we spent one Christmas Eve at my grandparents’ house. My folks, me, some uncles and aunts, and a cousin of mine. That made me particularly nervous, because if I wasn’t in my usual spot, we might not have presents. I woke up even earlier than usual that Christmas, but I didn’t want to race to the tree.”

Derpy interrupted again. “That’s the second time you’ve mentioned a tree.”

“Oh, right. Well, for Christmas we cut down trees and put them in our houses.”

“You’re pulling my leg!”

“Honest. I’ll show you pictures. They even have some artificial trees for people who don’t like to clean up.” Karyn went on her computer and showed the pictures of trees with presents underneath.

“What they ought to do,” said Derpy, “is hang the tree upside-down from the ceiling. More room for the presents.”

“They make some like that too. Anyway, so back there at my grandmother’s, I’m so nervous that we won’t get our presents because we’re in an unfamiliar place, and I figure that it’s better to have the chance of getting them than confirming that we’re not. I just stayed in bed awake until my cousin got up. He had no silly fears, and went right into the living room.

“Of course the presents were there. In the most prominent position were two scooters.”

Derpy interrupted. “Like the kind Scootaloo rides?”

“Kind of. Not powered, you just move them with your foot. They become popular now and then. Anyway, one of them was blue and one of them was pink, but they weren’t wrapped and they didn’t have tags on them. My cousin—he was a boy, which I guess is important to the story—grabs the blue one and starts riding around the living room. Still that wasn’t enough for me. I patiently opened all the presents that did have my name on the tag, thanking the giver for each one in turn.

“Once everything had been opened, my mom came to me and said, ‘Don’t you want to ride your scooter? Your cousin loves his.’ And I, in all innocence, looked up at her and said, ‘Is that one for me too?!’”

Derpy laughed at the story, but Karyn could tell that her heart wasn’t in it. Probably a tale of gift excess wasn’t the right thing to tell her at that point.

“It’s a good story. I just wish I could have made Dinky’s Hearth’s Warming Eves as good as my father made mine.”

“You will. You know how?”

“Huh?” said Derpy.

“Because when she has a foal, she will be able to give her great Hearth’s Warming Eve’s, and that’s what she’s going to want to do also.”

“That will be nice. And I’ll get to be the grandmother that everypony loves. But that’s a ways away. We’ve got to do something for this Hearth’s Warming Eve.”

Karyn was glad that Derpy had cheered up again. “What did you have in mind?”

“I’ll think of something. But we’ll certainly have the right atmosphere.”

“Oh, why?”

Derpy smirked. “Word leaked through the pegasus grapevine. They’re going to have a big snowstorm so that we have a white Warming.”

Saturday

Derpy was out on her mail route when the first snowflakes started to fall. She started ascending for height when she heard someone calling her name. If Lyra hadn’t been such a prominent color, she might have been lost in the snow. Derpy landed.

“Hey, Lyra. Long time no see.”

“Yeah. I can’t stay long, I’ve got a lot to do.”

“And I want to get above the clouds,” said Derpy, hovering to shake off the snow.

“We’re having a Christmas party this Sunday. That’s a different kind of holiday, where—“

“Don’t worry. I know all about it.”

Lyra started off for shelter. “Right, right. So, yeah, be there!”

Since Karyn had told her all the wonderful things about Christmas, Derpy braved the weather and spent her shift looking at decorations that she thought would help. In the afternoon, she visited Karyn again.

“The decorations sound nice,” Karyn said, “but if this is a Christmas party and not just a Hearth’s Warming Eve, we should go and buy presents for all our friends.”

“Most of the ponies won’t know that though.”

“It doesn’t matter. We know it, and they all deserve presents from us. Come on, let’s make a list.”

Derpy grabbed pen and paper and started writing. “We’ve got to get something for Lyra, obviously, and her human as well.”

“How about a pair of gloves? We can give them to Lyra, and she can re-gift them to the human.”

“Good idea! Now, we also need something for Rainbow Dash, since she was so nice to us during the rain; Pinkie Pie, since she threw us parties; Rarity, because of the dresses she gave us.”

“Not Fluttershy though,” said Karyn, “I’m still a little miffed about her staring me into stupor.”

“We can’t get her anything?”

“Well, maybe something for Angel Bunny. Which reminds me, we have to get for Muffinhead of course. And for Dinky.”

“Well, we’ve got some names, now we just need presents to go with them. Oh, wait, we need to get Twilight Sparkle a present too for all the help she’s given us.”

Karyn and Derpy looked at each other. “A book,” they said at the same time.

They brainstormed ideas and wrote them down next to the ponies’ names. “OK,” said Karyn, “some of this stuff we can get in Equestria, and some I’ll have to go back to Earth for. The party’s tomorrow, let’s hustle.”

The snow in Ponyville was only a minor hindrance, and Karyn spent most of the time on Derpy’s back. On Earth, the shopping was only slowed by the usual practice of hiding Derpy’s presence with the invisibility spell and talking through the fake Bluetooth.

“Some of these ponies are a little difficult to buy for,” Karyn said, “because they don’t have some of the complementary things they need. I’d love to get Pinkie Pie a comedy DVD, but she doesn’t have any way to play it.”

“For next year, I’ll ask Lyra and Twilight to work on a DVD-to-magic-movie-player adapter.”

“I wouldn’t put it past them. I think I could arrange some Christmas music though. I can bring a battery-powered CD player. It doesn’t have to be that powerful. We only want it for background music.”

Derpy looked at the CDs. “Lyra should be taking care of that, I’d hope.”

“I know, but I’m a little particular when it comes to Christmas music.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, there are a lot of songs that go back a long time. Simple tunes with a lot of Christmas bells and familiar cadences.” Karyn caught the expression on Derpy’s face and tried to forestall an interruption. “No, not the princess. Anyway, then, maybe forty years ago a few new songs started being played. After that, they started trickling in more and more. A few are good, but the old ones are much better. That’s what we have to do.”

Derpy listened intently, then slipped some of the CDs into Karyn’s basket when her back was turned. By the time she got to the register, Derpy’s snickering tipped Karyn off. She bought the CDs anyway.

A few hours later, they were back in Equestria, in Derpy’s house, with all of the presents stacked in the kitchen. “You’ve got what we need to wrap all this?” Derpy asked.

“Paper, scissors, and tape. That’s pretty much it.”

“Where do we begin? Want to wrap Twilight’s book?”

“No,” said Karyn, opening the roll of wrapping paper. “Let’s get the hard stuff out of the way. Like Muffinhead’s little catnip toy.”

Perhaps because he heard his name, the orange cat came walking into the kitchen with his tail up.

“No!” said Derpy. “You saw it before Christmas! You’re not supposed to see! Shoo! Well, there goes one surprise.” She pushed the cat out of the room.

“I think he’ll still be happy when he gets it. In any case, we don’t have to go crazy wrapping this one. Just run the paper around it and tape it up as best you can. Now, for Lyra’s gloves, we’ve got to be more careful, and it’s annoying. We should have gotten a box for them. I know we had to improvise on this, but for future reference, always try to buy gifts that are square. Makes them easier to wrap.”

“Maybe I can practice on the box of candy we got for Pinkie.”

“Sure,” said Karyn, passing over the wrapping materials. Derpy unrolled the wrapping paper, only to have it roll back up. She tried again. “You know,” said Karyn, “They make flat wrapping paper, really nice stuff with dotted lines on the back so you can measure how much you need. Every year I say I’m going to buy it, but every year I spend too much on gifts and have to go with the cheap stuff.”

“Well, can you hold that end?”

Karyn held the ragged end of the paper while Derpy measured out enough for the candy. “Do you really think that Pinkie will want this? She works in a bakery after all.”

“It’s Pinkie Pie,” said Derpy. “She can’t get enough sugar-based food.”

“Good point. But even she wasn’t as hard to buy for as Rarity.”

Karyn expected Derpy to be awkward with the wrapping, but having six limbs, a prehensile tail, and a mouth that she could rip and place the tape with gave her an advantage. The box of candy looked as though it could have been professionally wrapped.

“I know, right? All the things she’s into, fashion and jewels and fancy ribbons, they’re all things she works with. But the perfume is something that I’ve never heard of anypony wearing. We already smell nice.”

“You do, but this will make you smell even better. Or at least different.” Karyn handed her the small box, and again Derpy’s dexterous moves made for a pretty package.

“This thing for Angel Bunny, I still don’t get how it works.”

“I’m not sure the pony at the carrot stand did either,” said Karyn, “but a gift certificate basically lets him get whatever he wants up to twenty bits. I’m sure he’ll remember it, since it’s the only one in all of Equestria.”

“It still seems like a way to get out of giving a real gift.”

“Maybe. Still, I’ve always said there needs to be a store called, ‘Cheap Gifts for Folks You Don’t Like Too Much.’”

Derpy laughed. “All right. Now, the gloves.”

“I’ll take care of them. I do have experience with awkwardly shaped gifts. If you’d use your wing to hold down the folds, I’d appreciate it.”

Working together, they even made Lyra’s package looked nice.

“Last one,” said Derpy. “And I’ll do this myself.”

“Are you sure? It’s in plastic, but it’s got a few awkward edges.”

“Oh, yes. This one is personal. I said I always wanted to get Dinky the best toy. You’re really saying this is a rare find on Earth?”

“Definitely,” said Karyn. “The Derpy Hooves figure is one of the top prizes for pony fans. And Dinky’s going to love it, since it will remind her how famous her mother is.”

Sunday

Derpy packed her saddlebags carefully to ensure that none of the presents got damaged. She was concerned that even the wrapping paper would be disturbed. She left them on the kitchen table as she warped to Earth to pick up Karyn.

“I still think you should have stayed over last night,” Derpy said.

“I’m still trying to keep most of my time on Earth consistent. A few hours isn’t so bad, but a whole night and I’d get inter-universe jet lag.”

They travelled back to Derpy’s house almost immediately, but as soon as they did there was a knocking at the door. They both went to see who it was.

“Hey, it’s Lyra!” said Derpy. “What’s going on?”

Lyra looked past Derpy. “Oh, Karyn, thank goodness you’re here. I was going to ask Derpy to go and get you. I really need help.”

“What’s wrong?” asked Karyn.

“I’ve tried to set up a Christmas party, so that my human will have fun and learn to love Christmas. But I must have done something wrong, because we had a big fight.” She gave the details of the angry words they had exchanged.

“So what do you want us to do?” said Derpy.

“Isn’t it obvious?” said Karyn. “We’re the only other people in Equestria who know about Christmas and what it takes to make a proper Christmas celebration. We’ve got to help Lyra out and, throw a good Christmas party so her human won’t be mad anymore.”

Lyra smiled and they all walked outside.

“Now, for the first thing,” said Derpy, “we need to cut down a tree and put it up inside the house.”

“Oh, Derpy, this is no time for your silliness. Karyn, can you please ask her to focus? Now, what do we really do?”

Karyn laughed. “No, Lyra, she’s telling the truth. You need to have a fir tree set up. You decorate it and put presents underneath.”

Karyn and Derpy continued to fill Lyra in on what was needed to celebrate Christmas the way humans did. She stared wide-eyed. “Well, if there’s this much to be done, no wonder my dear sweet human was overwhelmed. How will we ever get this set up?”

As she said that, Twilight Sparkle and her friends were walking into Derpy’s view. “I know,” said Derpy. “Where can we find anypony who knows how to organize something, or how to make pretty decorations, or how to have a nice atmosphere? We would need to know ponies who can tell us about hard work and getting things done fast. And even if, by some miracle, we managed to find that, we still wouldn’t have anypony who knew a thing about planning parties!”

Karyn and Lyra saw the six ponies, then looked at Derpy, proud of her for having found the help they needed.

But Derpy continued, and it was clear that she hadn’t been making a joke. “Ah, well, we’ll just have to do our best. Come on.”

Karyn facepalmed while Lyra facehoofed. “Lyra, you go grab the others, I’ll explain to Derpy what we’re going to do.”

The eight ponies and Karyn went back to Lyra’s house and planned out the set up.

“I’ll get this tree that’s so important,” said Rainbow Dash.

“Do we really have to cut one down?” said Fluttershy.

“We do, unless you want to get decorated.”

Rarity shook her head at the two pegasi and continued her work. Under Karyn’s direction, she was using powdered gems to make snowflakes that would stick to Lyra’s windows. Applejack and Pinkie Pie were huddled up in the kitchen planning out a menu.

“Pinkie, we can’t just make the whole meal a dessert,” Applejack said.

“Give me one good reason why not!”

Karyn came over to break them up. “It’s all right. Christmas cookies are as much of a tradition as the main dishes. Or maybe you could make a fruitcake! That’s Christmas tradition too, though no one seems to like them.”

Twilight was overseeing everything, but she took Karyn aside. “I do have one request for you. Not from me though. Spike asked if it’s all right to come.”

Karyn sighed. “Well, it is Christmas after all. Just one thing. Do ponies—and dragons—know about mistletoe?”

“The plant that grows on trees? Sure we do, but it doesn’t have many uses. It’s not safe to eat.”

“Yep, fine. Just so we’re good. No mistletoe in the place at all.”

Twilight was confused, but the issue seemed to be settled.

The torrent of activity subsided, and all the ponies gathered around in the living room. “Well,” said Lyra, “that’s just about everything.”

“Not quite,” said Derpy. “We’re still missing one guest.”

“I know,” said Lyra. “It’s just so difficult, when you’ve had a fight.”

Karyn went over to her. “I know. But Derpy and I have fights once in a while too. We’ve always made up. And we always will. All of us, the humans who love ponies and the ponies who love humans, we’re always afraid of losing the other. But we won’t. Friendship isn’t such a tenuous thing that it can be torn apart just because the friends are different species. That’s what the ponies learned on that Hearth’s Warming Eve so long ago. You can prove it to yourself right now by making up.”

Lyra nodded, and said thanks, and went up to her bedroom.

**

Derpy went over to Karyn. “Come on, let’s make one final check.”

“All right. I’m sure Lyra won’t be long though.”

“Maybe, but the other human makes me nervous. Even with what you said, I still feel more comfortable with just you.”

Everypony and Karyn busied themselves, but there was little else to do. It was a quiet moment of anticipation.

They came down the stairs, and after getting over the initial surprise, Lyra’s human approached Karyn.

“It’s nice to meet you. Happy Hearth’s Warming Eve.”

Karyn looked around at all they had done. Beyond the frosted glass and the Christmas tree, she saw the streets of Ponyville. “Merry Christmas,” she said.

31: Life in the Dink City

“Oh, but it feels good to be back on Earth!” Derpy arched her back and spread her wings. Karyn had never realized how impressive her wingspan really was, though soon she folded them back.

“It’s only been two weeks.”

“It feels like much longer.”

“I missed you too, Derpy.” Karyn sat down in her chair and leaned back.

Derpy matched the gesture by getting quite comfortable on Karyn’s bed. “So, Equestria?”

“But you just said you missed Earth.”

“Yeah, but you don’t want to break your promise, right?”

Karyn racked her memory for something she had pledged to Derpy, but it wasn’t coming to mind. “What promise?”

“To be Dinky’s study buddy, of course.”

“That’s today?”

“Well, it’s kind of every day. I don’t mean that you have to go to Equestria and Canterlot all the time, but you should whenever you can.” Derpy gave her a look. Karyn could have interpreted it as guilt-tripping, but she knew that it was all out of concern for her daughter.

“OK, I’ll do it. Transportation is your department, though.”

A dimension-hop and a train ride later, the two off them were walking down the streets of Canterlot. Karyn reflected that this was the first time she had been to the city without the pressure of having to race to Princess Celestia’s castle. She craned her neck at the towers and turrets.

“It really is different in the big city, isn’t it?” said Derpy.

“I’ve been to big cities back home, like New York and Pittsburgh, but they’re all so boxy. This is almost like being in a forest of stone and wood.”

“All forests have wood, Karyn.”

Karyn nodded, realizing that she had said something silly. “But Canterlot’s completely different as a city. Maybe Washington would be the closest, but I’ve never been there.”

“What’s Washington?”

“You don’t know how lucky you are to be able to ask that question. It’s a city, the seat of our government. There are also a lot of beautiful things there, monuments and parks and archives.”

They came to an intersection, and Derpy was unsure which way Dinky lived.

“Haven’t you been here before?” asked Karyn.

“Only by air. It’s so much easier when you can cut corners. Excuse me!” Derpy accosted a passing unicorn. “Do you know where the Royal Library is?”

The unicorn looked down her nose at Derpy and Karyn, as if wondering what they would need a library for.

“It’s actually the School for Gifted Unicorns we need,” said Karyn.

The unicorn was even more incredulous, but it happened that she had a sister who attended the school, so she pointed them in the right direction.

“Why didn’t you ask for the school?” Karyn asked.

“If you ask for directions and they give you the whole path, it feels like cheating, you know?”

“Well, how about going up to the top of a building and seeing if you can spot the school? Is that fair?”

Derpy stopped in her tracks with a look of “Why didn’t I think of that?” A minute later, she knew exactly where she was going, and they were at Dinky’s dorm in ten minutes.

“Karyn! Mommy!” Dinky rose to her hooves and ran toward the two of them. Karyn gave her a hug and looked around the room, and was a little envious. The furniture that Karyn was issued by her college was stylistic to a college, designed for mass production and easy cleaning. Dinky’s dorm was like a log cabin in the woods, made all the more homey by the fact that is was in the big city.

“How are your studies coming along, Dinky?” Derpy asked.

“Good. Real good. I aced my last test.”

“And are you completing all your assignments?”

“Yes,” Dinky said, but she broke eye contact with Derpy as she did.

“Dinky! Tell the truth.”

“I did! I would never lie to you. But you didn’t actually ask if I was completing all my assignments on time.”

Derpy’s head drooped.

“But really, like ninety-nine-point-nine-nine-nine of them I am!” Dinky shouted.

“So, you missed one out of a hundred thousand?” asked Karyn.

“Yes! I missed one, and I’m not going to miss another for the next hundred thousand. At least, not now that you’re here.”

Derpy relented and headed for the door. “All right, I’ll leave you two to study.”

“You’re going out, Mommy?”

“Yes. I so rarely get to come to Canterlot I thought I would take the opportunity to do some shopping.”

“All right, but be careful. Canterlot’s not like Cloudsdale where everypony is laid back or like Ponyville where everyone knows everyone else. The merchants here will take advantage of you if you’re not careful.”

“I know how to make my way around a city, Dinky. Don’t worry your head about me. You might wear out your horn doing so.” She rubbed Dinky’s head with her hoof and went out through the door.

“You really think she’ll be OK, Karyn?”

Karyn knew that the question was more for reassurance than for information. “Of course she will. She’s really a very capable pony.” Our of the corner of her eye, she saw Derpy circle around and wave to them from beyond the window. Steadily backing up, Derpy found herself in the street, and the stallions pulling an omnibus had to signal her to get out of the way. Karyn closed the curtains.

“So how have you been?” said Dinky. “How are things at your school?”

“Good. Not nearly as pleasant as things here must be.”

“Ha! Have they asked you to master shrinking spells and write a report on the structure of them?”

“Yes.” Karyn put on a very serious face. Dinky stared at Karyn for a moment before they both broke up laughing. “All right, no, they haven’t. What’s the challenge?”

“Well, it’s hard to describe.”

“I know, but that’s what I’m here for. Pretend I come from a completely different world and know nothing about how to use magic.”

Dinky blinked. “But you do come from a completely different world.”

“That should make it easy.”

Dinky went over to her desk drawer and pulled out a scroll, a quill, and a book. “For practice, I’m allowed to work on inanimate objects, but in class, I have to be able to shrink animals and plants and not damage them.”

“You can do damage with that kind of spell?”

“Oh, definitely. See, think about it. Say you had a grasshopper that was your size.”

Karyn shuddered at the thought, but Dinky said, “No, it wouldn’t be scary because it couldn’t move. Its legs would collapse under it. And there are problems going the other way, too, which is what I’m dealing with.”

“I see. I think I’ve read about things like that.”

“Yeah, and that’s the thing. Practice on inanimates is easy.” She concentrated and fired a bolt from her horn at the book. A moment later, it was a pocket edition.

“Wow. Dinky, you’re awesome!”

“No, I’m not. Go pick up the book.”

Karyn reached over and grabbed the book, trying to lift it, but she misjudged the weight and it dropped back to the desk.

“See?” said Dinky. “I didn’t even change its weight. That was the most basic shrinking spell of all, and it’s almost useless. The only thing I changed was volume. I suppose if you needed to slip something through a narrow space, you could do that, but you’d still be moving more weight than you should.”

“So if you did that to me?”

“You’d still weigh as much, and you’d have far less muscle to work with. Your heart would probably stop right away.”

“Yikes,” said Karyn, but she wasn’t nearly as put off as she was by the grasshopper analogy. Something was eating at her memory, and she was trying to pull it up.

“But there are more advanced ways of doing it that involve keeping the mass in proportion,” said Dinky, as she restored the book to its former size.

That tripped Karyn’s memory, and she said, “Back on Earth, I used to play around with editing music, you know, like mixing? Some of the software I used, when I wanted to speed up a section of the music would also change the pitch, which it wasn’t supposed to do. I think that’s kind of like what’s happening here.”

Dinky looked confused. “What’s software?”

“That would take a while to explain. But ask your mother some time, she probably knows the most of anypony in Equestria about computers.” Karyn shuddered a little at the realization that what she said was true. “But I think that magic could work the same way. All right, let’s say I sing a few notes.”

She sung the opening bars of the Friendship is Magic theme song.

“Now, I can sing it at half speed but keep the same notes, or I can lower the pitch so that I’m singing alto, and keep the same beat. Either one is easy for anyone who can carry a tune. But if you tell a piece of software to do one, it’ll do the other.”

Dinky listened, still a little confused, but she mostly followed what Karyn was saying, and wanted to be patient for her anyway. At last, she said, “OK, so you’re saying I should try to do everything at once?”

“No, I’m saying you should think less about following the rules of magic, or of physics or biology or anything else, and look at things from your own perspective.”

“Well, OK, looking at it from my perspective. . . “

“Yes?”

“I think that we should take a break and go have snacks!” Dinky slammed her book closed, floated the quill and scroll into the drawer, grabbed her coat and dashed to the door.

“Dinky! I’m supposed to be your study buddy. What’s your mom going to say if she finds out that we’re barely studying at all?”

“Do you like hay cakes? I know a great place.”

Karyn stomped her foot. “You’re dodging the question.”

“Does that mean you do like hay cakes?”

“I’ve never had them, but probably not. Humans don’t eat hay.”

Dinky’s eyes grew wide. “You mean you’ve never eaten hay at all? Not even in cake form? Then you’ve just got to try it! Let’s go.” She opened the door and Karyn concluded that she was not to be swayed.

Back out on the streets of Canterlot, Karyn’s nervousness returned. She felt more comfortable when she was with Derpy. Dinky was still a younger pony, and she didn’t have all the protective spells that Derpy did. On the other hand, Karyn thought she had a responsibility to stay with Dinky, so she followed her as she made her way down the city streets.

Finally catching up to her, Karyn put a hand on her shoulder and spun her around. “All right, now listen. First off, I can’t try the hay cake. It’s not a question of taste. As a human I can’t digest it. It’s bad for me. But if you really want one, we’ll go to your place, you can have the cake, and then right back to the dorm for more studying, OK?”

Dinky pursed her lips and nodded. They moved off at a comfortable trot. Karyn looked out of the corner of her eye at the ponies passing by. In Ponyville, most of the residents had gotten used to seeing a human in town, either her or Lyra’s, and some would even wave or say hi. When she first began visiting, there were a few stares. But now, in Canterlot, some ponies weren’t even noticing, and those that were quickly turned away.

The shop that Dinky led them to was only a counter that faced the boulevard. A few round tables sat outside for ponies to eat at, but most of them were taking their food away. The line was short and they quickly acquired the hay caked Dinky had mentioned. Karyn looked over the limited menu and decided to just have a drink. “Hot chocolate, please,” she said.

Once they sat down, Dinky looked a little relieved to not have to spend a great deal of bits. As a poor college student herself, Karyn understood.

They sat, sipped, and ate. “You really don’t know what you’re missing!” said Dinky.

“It smells nice, but still like hay. For humans, it’s not an appetizing scent. Not like this chocolate.”

Dinky thought of something. “Mommy said that you don’t eat ponies, right? I mean, I know you wouldn’t eat me, but the ponies on Earth, you don’t eat them?”

Karyn sighed. “OK, I’ll go over this. I don’t eat any animal. No one I know eats ponies at all. A very few humans do, but they’re from distant lands, mostly.” Then she thought of something else. “And there are also a few that won’t eat anything from an animal. Like, they wouldn’t have this hot chocolate because there’s milk in it.”

“That’s just weird.”

“Well, all the humans who eat animals—but again, I stress, not ponies—think that I’m weird for not eating cows and chickens and—“

Karyn had taken a sip of her drink as she was talking, but when she looked up, Dinky was gone, and a streak of wind was blowing in the opposite direction, carrying the napkin that she was using. A moment later, from an alley down the road, a pale violet hoof stuck out and made a “come here” gesture.”

Blinking, she put down her cup and stepped toward the alley. As she poked her head around the corner, she felt a magical glow surround her body, and she was pulled in like a magnet to the opposite pole. “Shhh!” Dinky said, her hoof to her mouth. She pointed back out to the street.

Karyn stuck her head out and understood. Down the boulevard, flitting about in front of windows oohing and ahhing, was Derpy. She had a couple of shopping bags on her left hoof and was flying a little awkwardly because of them. Karyn yanked her head back in.

“What are we going to do?” said Dinky. “She’s heading this way! She’ll see us!”

“Let’s duck back in the alley. Maybe she’ll pass by.”

They looked behind them. The blind alley didn’t go back far, nor did it offer any easily accessible hiding places.

“We’re doomed!”

“Let’s just stand still. Maybe she won’t see.”

Dinky was shocked. “Karyn, this is my mommy! Der. Py. Hooves. She sees everything in all directions!”

“Oh, right. Yeah, we’re doomed.”

They pushed as far back as they could go and waited for the inevitable.

As Derpy passed the café where they had left the hay cake and the drink, she stopped and looked at it, perhaps wondering why somepony had left tasty treats out instead of finishing them. Distracted, she bank-turned and bumped into a passing unicorn couple.

“Oh, please excuse me.”

“Mm. Yes,” the stallion said in a snooty tone.

She tried to go around the couple, but then her bag ripped and spilled its contents all over the sidewalk. Dinky saw a number of fancy cheeses and vegetables. One round cheese rolled slowly away.

“Oh, pony-pies!” Derpy swore.

“Come on,” whispered Karyn. “Now’s our chance to get away!” But Dinky was still watching her mother try to gather all her purchases.

“Just a second.”

The unicorns had not moved on, but were looking down at Derpy. The mare reared on her hind legs, ostensibly to give Derpy more room, but it looked to Dinky as if she was looking down her nose.

Sotto voce, but still quite audible, the mare said, “Clearly she’s not from around here.”

Ever the innocent, Derpy stood up from her mad scramble to say, “You’re right! I’m Derpy Hooves of Cloudsdale and Ponyville. Nice to meet you!”

If the unicorns had given a polite hello, or if they had plead that they had urgent business and no time to stop, or if they had been going in the opposite direction, or if they had waited one more block to exchange the look they did, things might have turned out differently. As was, Dinky from her hiding place saw the look in their eyes and burst out into the street.

“Excuse me, Mr. and Mrs. High-and-mighty! Why don’t you try watching where you’re going?”

Derpy was more shocked than the unicorns. “Dinky, what are you doing here?”

“Not standing idly by while some stuck-up ponies who probably inherited every bit they have dishonor my mother!”

The unicorn stallion said, “If you’re her filly, why don’t you just help her carry her bags? Then she wouldn’t be in our way.”

Dinky didn’t like the tone that he had taken for the word “our.” It implied that they were on a different level. “I’ll do better than that!” she said.

Concentrating hard, she fired a field of magic from her horn. It swept all of Derpy’s purchases back into the bags. Then a red bolt slammed into the bags and a puff of smoke dissipated around them. Two tote bags that would be easy for anypony to carry sat on the ground.

“Oh, what a disgraceful daughter you have there,” the unicorn mare said to Derpy. “Ruining your food like that. Shrinking spells take all the flavor out of food. Everypony knows that.”

“Maybe everypony in the finishing school knows that,” said Dinky, “but those of us attending Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns can take care of these things. Especially when we’ve got good friends to help us out.”

She pointed back to the alley, and Karyn stepped out. If the unicorn couple thought Derpy and Dinky low before, they didn’t know what to make of them now, associating with a human. Privately, Karyn wished she had fangs or claws to bare, just to end the encounter.

As it was, she joined the other two and they walked off, Derpy now having a very easy time carrying the bags. “I still don’t know how you got here,” she said.

“Let’s just wait until we’re out of earshot of those two,” said Dinky. As they passed by the café, she floated the remaining half of her hay cake back into her possession.

They turned the corner and wound their way back toward the school and Dinky’s dorm room. Derpy now seemed to know her way. In fact, another pegasus pony walked up to her and asked directions to a certain museum.

“Ooh, I’m not sure I know that.”

Dinky stepped in and pointed her toward where she wanted to go.

“You’ve saved me again,” said Derpy. “But why did she ask me for directions, of all ponies? There must be hundreds of native. . . Canterlotians? Canterlotites?. . . residents that she could have approached.”

“I got stopped and asked three times last year before I figured it out,” said Dinky. “Let’s say you’re in Cloudsdale, and somepony you’ve never seen is flying by down the road. What do you do?”

“I don’t know, say hi?”

“Right, but even if you don’t, you look at them with a friendly expression. But Canterlot ponies don’t do that. In the first place, they see tourists all the time. But it’s also a cultural thing. They don’t make eye contact as much.”

They walked another few yards when Derpy said, “I hope you don’t get too much like them, little one. It just doesn’t seem right to not look at ponies’ eyes. I’ve had too many look away from mine.”

Karyn saw an opening. “Well, if Dinky’s going to be a big, famous Canterlot unicorn and a graduate of the school, you’ll just have to get used to it.”

“Well, maybe it would be a good idea to live closer to Ponyville.”

“Give up the school?” said Dinky.

“I don’t want you to do that either.”

“There’s no reason she has to stay in Canterlot after she graduates,” said Karyn. “Of course, she wouldn’t have all the opportunities.”

Derpy grumbled, but Dinky caught on and gave Karyn a wink.

“Well, there’s plenty of time to think about it.”

“Yeah,” said Dinky. “and plenty of time to have fun.”

They arrived back at the dorm and Dinky unlocked the door magically. “They expect us to know the locking spell right off,” she said. “If you don’t, you start losing your stuff and you’ve got incentive to learn. They give everything back eventually though.”

Derpy looked in and saw Dinky’s notes on her desk. She had a delayed reaction. “Wait, fun? What were you doing outside anyway? You’re supposed to be studying!”

“Oh, well, you see—“

“I told her to go,” said Karyn. “She was raving about these hay cakes and lamenting that she had to stay in and study. I told her that we should go get them and that’s when we ran into you. It’s all my fault.”

Dinky stepped in front. “No, Karyn, you don’t need to lie. I made Karyn come with me, mommy. But it all worked out for the best. That spell I used is that thing I’m supposed to learn!”

Derpy focused one eye on the desk and one on her daughter. “I thought that the problem was getting the work done, not learning the spells.”

“Oh, right.”

A light appeared over Karyn’s head. “But now she can write up our adventures and everything that happened.”

“No, Karyn,” said Derpy. “This is supposed to be serious work.”

“Derpy, how many of these assignments do you think that the teachers have to read? Honestly, a fresh, new angle on what’s probably boring to them might get Dinky some extra points.”

“Are you sure?”

“Well, I don’t see how magic could ever be boring, but then I’m not a unicorn.”

Derpy pictured it in her mind. “Neither am I. But yeah, I certainly wouldn’t want to read about flying all day. OK, you’re forgiven this time.”

Relieved, Dinky gave Karyn a hug. “Thanks so much. I’ll have to set up a way to call you the next time I’m having problems.”

“I’m sure you can do it, too. You’re a great unicorn, Dinky.”

Derpy and Karyn left for the train. Back at her house, Derpy prepared to take Karyn to Earth. “Let me just put away all this—oh, no!”

“What’s wrong?”

“We forgot! All the food I bought in Canterlot, it’s still shrunk!”

They shared a laugh.

Author's Notes:

I now have a place to put the previews for next week! Here you go!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Ugh, don’t smack your lips so loudly.”

“What’s wrong with you?” asked Karyn. “Did you stay up all night with Berry Punch or something?”

“A couple of days ago, but what does that have to do with anything? All we did was play board games.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She went over to her computer and searched for some pictures.

“That castle looks a little like Canterlot!” said Derpy.

“Very little. No one lives in there.”

“Huh? What’s the point of having a big castle without a princess to live in it?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Karyn tempered her mood a little. “Yeah, but this time it’s just not feasible. I’m sorry.”

“Aww.” Derpy kicked at the carpet with a hoof, then picked her head up and said, “What if we designed a spell to—“

“No.”

Look forward to it!

32: Derpyland

Derpy lay awake in bed, watching the hands of the clock go round. With her head tilted on the pillow, she thought for a moment that it was 6:15, but then the wrong hand moved and she realized that it was 3:30. She rolled over and saw her cat Muffinhead looking at her.

“You think that Karyn would be mad if I went to Earth this early?”

“Meow.”

“Yeah, me too. You think there’s any chance that she’s awake too, and hoping that I would arrive early so that we could both deal with our insomnia together?”

“Meow.”

“Yeah, me neither.”

She tossed and turned for another twenty minutes, then lit the candle next to her bed and read for an hour. It occurred to her that even if she fell asleep right then, she might only get two more hours sleep, which wouldn’t do much. And it would probably take some time to get to sleep, which would cut into it.

Then she thought that she might sleep in and go to Karyn’s in the afternoon, but couldn’t do that to her friend.

The first rays of the morning sun streaked in through Derpy’s window and lit on her eye. She groaned, “Oh, really, Princess Celestia? You couldn’t have let us all sleep for five minutes more? Sure, all the continents would probably fly off into space and the oceans would boil and Equestria would burn to a cinder, but I’m tired!”

She staggered to her hooves and trotted downstairs. She looked at her coffee pot and her oven, but decided that what she really wanted to do was to just get to Earth already. Ducking in to the bathroom, she gave her mane a quick brush, threw on her saddlebags, and activated her spell.

By contrast, Karyn was the epitome of bubbly and cheerful. She was looking bright-eyed and was practically dancing around the room. Throwing her arms around Derpy’s neck, she gave her a big kiss.

“Ugh, don’t smack your lips so loudly.”

“What’s wrong with you?” asked Karyn. “Did you stay up all night with Berry Punch or something?”

“A couple of days ago, but what does that have to do with anything? All we did was play board games.”

“No, I meant did you go on a bender? Get tight? Go three sheets to the wind?”

Derpy put her hooves on the sides of her head and shook it back and forth. “Stop! I can’t handle euphemisms this early in the morning.”

The two friends’ moods started to equalize. Karyn calmed down and Derpy focused enough to talk about it.

“I just couldn’t get any sleep last night. And I really wanted to. I hadn’t stayed up too late, despite spending some time with friends, but I went to bed early so that I would have that refreshed feeling. You know that one? Where you sleep for like ten hours and then you’re still kinda tired but you just feel so good?”

“Yeah, but you can’t plan to make it happen. You just have to get lucky.”

Derpy nodded for about thirty seconds before coming back to reality. “I guess so. Anyway, you’re perky this morning. How did you do it?”

“I don’t know. In the same way, sometimes you’re just full of energy. That’s how I am today. I could do anything. The sun’s up, the air’s clean, my best friend’s here. . . “

“I guess your room is just the happiest place on Earth.”

Karyn chuckled. “Well, it’s no Disneyland, but”

Derpy held up a hoof. “Hang on. I may be bleary-eyed and ready to collapse, but I know a new word when I hear it. What land?”

“Disneyland. It’s an amusement park.”

Derpy tilted her head in the gesture that Karyn had come to understand meant that she wanted more information. She went over to her computer and searched for some pictures.

“That castle looks a little like Canterlot!” said Derpy.

“Very little. No one lives in there.”

“Huh? What’s the point of having a big castle without a princess to live in it?”

“There kind of is a princess, but it’s just a made-up one. She’s not real like Princess Celestia or Princess Luna.” Karyn winced a little as she realized that most other humans thought they were made-up as well.

“I don’t get it. You’re saying that there aren’t any human princesses? I know that the sun rises on its own here.”

“One question at a time, Derpy, or we’ll just get confused. OK?”

Derpy folded her wings and looked attentive.

“Now. We have human royal families, but for the most part they’re just figureheads. A few do have power, but that’s a little anachronistic. They might have princesses, but they never rule. If they get in charge, they become queens.

“But, since everyone loves princesses as little girls, Disney, which makes movies, put together a lot of them with princesses instead of queens. Then they built this park where kids and their parents can go pretend that the princesses are real. With me so far?”

Derpy nodded.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve been there,” said Karyn. “But when you’re a kid, having your parents take you is like the most fun thing you could ever anticipate. It’s only once you get there that you have to deal with things like long lines, and the fact that it might rain.”

“And the whole thing is done in Canterlot-style architecture?”

“No, only one part. See, the land is divided up into sub-lands, and some of them are styled like Appleloosa, this one like Canterlot, one of them is like a Daring Do novel, and another. . .” Karyn paused, trying to think of how to describe it.

“Go on.”

“Back when the park was built, there was a lot of popular belief that the future would be all gleaming metal and plastic, where all the fonts had curves and there was space travel and lots of that. Well, they built a land around it.”

“What’s the big deal about space travel? Princess Luna lived on the moon for a thousand years.” asked Derpy. “And ponies say that my head’s in space all the time.”

“Well, they shouldn’t. So those four are the main sections of the park. Then there’s Main Street USA, but that’s just shops and eateries. Parents pay attention to that, but not kids.”

“And you’ve been there?”

Karyn cast her memory back. She had taken two trips, one with only her father when she wasn’t tall enough to go on all the rides, and the second time with both her parents when she had remembered everything.

“I have. But I’m sure you don’t want to hear about that when you can’t go.”

“Hmm. As may be, tell me the story.”

She leaned in the chair and reminisced. “I’m probably conflating both times I went, but you line up at the beginning of the day with a huge crowd and the characters come out. The princesses, yes, and that’s who I was looking at, but there are also people dressed up as talking mice, ducks, and dogs. No ponies, for some reason.

“We go in and veer to the left. The first ride is a cruise and it’s more about comedy than the fun of the boat ride. Oh! I should tell you this. The whole place is so clean. They have people walking around picking up any trash and putting it in the bins, and they don’t have bags in them to overflow. The bins are themed, too, and in Adventureland, which is the one like the Daring Do books, they’re painted to look like bamboo.”

Derpy laughed. “The thing you remember most is the garbage bins?”

“Just first, not most. Anyway, the next ride is also on a boat, and it’s themed around pirates. They made a movie out of the ride, and I haven’t seen how they changed it since. Now, the problem is that there are a lot of lines. Sometimes you might have to wait for up to an hour or more!”

Derpy steamed a little inside at the vagueness of Karyn’s sentence, but she knew that nopony likes a grammar enforcer, so she held her tongue.

“We moved on quickly to Frontierland, that’s the one like Appleloosa. What I remember there is that they sold these big turkey legs covered in sauce. It was grotesque, watching people eat those things. That land had one good ride, but we didn’t go on it.”

“Then how do you know it was good?”

“Well, it was a coaster, as opposed to a theme ride or a boat ride,” said Karyn. Derpy looked as if she was going to ask another question, but Karyn continued. “I think it might have been broken. Anyway, so we went to the castle and had lunch there. My father made reservations and I got to wear a crown just like I was a princess too!”

“I know a little about what that’s like.”

“Right, but this wasn’t the worry of being an actual princess with responsibilities, just the fun parts. What I remember about that was the drinking goblet, that was probably just aluminum, but made to look like it was pewter.”

“What did you have to drink?” asked Derpy.

“I couldn’t tell you. I was very young, so I’m giving you what I remember. Anyway, more rides, and now it’s getting toward the afternoon, so we took the skyride. Just a little car suspended from a cable, but you’re in the air and you can see the whole park. You really don’t know how lucky you are to be able to fly. I think every human at some point wishes she had wings.”

“Go on with the story.”

Karyn smiled as she brought her tale to its climax. “All right, so there we are, in the cable car, and I can see it in the distance, the big round dome with the spike pointing out of it. That’s what I’ve been psyched for the whole time. The best ride in the park: Space Mountain. The only real roller coaster.”

“You said that before. What’s a roller coaster?”

“What’s a—? OK, well, it’s like a train, but for fun.”

“We always have fun on the train.”

“No, it’s the motion of the train specifically. Because it goes up and down really fast and around curves and sometimes upside-down.”

“Upside-down? But you’d fall! Watch.” Derpy took off and did a backward roll in the air, then closed her wings and collapsed face-first on the bed. “See?”

“Right, but don’t stop in the middle. Keep going and complete the roll. These coasters go fast and they test them. OK, so, we can see Space Mountain, which is not only a roller coaster but it’s indoors too, which is doubly cool. But of course my father still wants to build the excitement, so first we have to go on all the other boring rides like the Carousel of Progress, where you just sit there and watch these dioramas of people throughout history. Finally, he says we can go, but it’s the peak time, right before dinner, so there’s this huge line going out the door. Well, we decide to go and a soda to have something to do before we get on the line. We buy the drinks and go back, and the line is gone! We never figured out why, but a lot of people must have either given up or gotten on the ride while we stepped away. We had to throw away the drinks because you weren’t allowed to take them inside.

“Once we got in the building, the line started up again, but it was short and went quickly. Soon enough we were strapping in and off we went.”

Derpy waited a moment, but Karyn didn’t seem to be continuing the story. “And then?”

“Well, you can’t really describe a roller coaster, but it was every bit as awesome as I’d hoped it would be. That feeling of free fall is the best.”

“OK, so what happened after that?”

“I think there were a couple more rides, but I’d had enough. We all gathered round a big lake and watched the fireworks show. They have one every night. I didn’t make it through without falling asleep though.”

Derpy closed her eyes and tried to envision all the parts of Karyn’s story and what the place she had described was like. They had many fairs and events in Equestria, but no one specific place set out just for entertainment.

She opened her eyes and pounded her hoof. “OK, I’m sold. Let’s go.”

“Go? Where?”

“To Disneyland, of course.”

Karyn sighed to herself. She should have seen this coming. “Listen, Derpy, I know how you get. You put on a puss face and you act as if we’re going anyway, and I go along because it’s fun. But in the first place getting to Disneyland would be a big project, and in the second there’s no way of doing all the rides without every human there finding out that you exist.”

Derpy just stared at Karyn with her mouth open.

“Don’t do that! I know you think that by saying nothing that we’ll find ourselves on a plane again halfway to Anaheim talking about the fun we’re going to have and you asking me about our hotel reservations, but it’s not happening. Admit it, that’s what you were thinking.”

“Well, yeah, it kinda was. Things like that always work out for us, don’t they?”

Karyn tempered her mood a little. “Yeah, but this time it’s just not feasible. I’m sorry.”

“Aww.” Derpy kicked at the carpet with a hoof, then picked her head up and said, “What if we designed a spell to—“

“No.”

She trotted toward the window. “If we had Dinky shrink us down to—“

“No.”

She looked outside toward the west. “If we asked—“

“No! I can’t say this strongly enough! We can’t go to Disneyland. Believe me, I wish we could. Because it is a happy place to be. But part of the reason that it’s happy is that it’s so controlled. The people who run the park don’t allow anything in that they don’t want. Even if I took my Bluetooth in and talked to you, someone would probably see and hear, and they’d wonder what I was doing. You’re on camera all the time. There’s no privacy. They can search you whenever they want.”

Derpy stopped pouting. “All right. I’ll stop asking. For real. I just thought that if the place was that cool, that they might be cool with me being there.”

The rest of the day was uneventful. They watched videos on the computer and Karyn played some soft music. After lunch, Derpy listened to it and fell asleep. Karyn dragged her onto the bed and covered her with an extra blanket she had.

As she watched Derpy’s chest rise and fall, and saw the fretful look on her face, Karyn thought about the conversation she had just had. It hurt her to disappoint her friend, who after all just wanted to know as much as she could about the world she was visiting. If there were any magical means that Karyn could think of to get Derpy into Disneyland, she would have. But, even racking her brain, she could come up with nothing.

“Well, maybe there isn’t a magical way, but how about a human way?” she said to herself.

She was still stymied on Disneyland itself, but she might be able to bring Derpy to a different amusement park. There was a local one halfway between the university and Karyn’s home that, while not as opulent as a major theme park, had rides. She picked up the phone.

“No, it’s not a group rate exactly I’m looking for,” she said, trying to keep her voice low enough to not wake up Derpy. “In fact I’d be willing to pay extra for what I’m asking.”

When Derpy came to, she smacked her tongue and wiped the drool off her cheek. “I’m so sorry!” she said. “It’s just that the music was so nice and I couldn’t keep my eyes open.”

“Don’t worry about it. If you want to sleep, it’s fine by me. In fact, you should rest up because you’re not going home at sunset today.”

“What?! Why? Don’t tell me the return spell is malfunctioning again!”

Karyn grinned. “No, it’s not that. You and I have a date with a roller coaster.”

******************************************

As they drove toward the park, Derpy asked, “How in Equestria did you manage this?”

“Not through Equestrian means, believe me. Good old-fashioned money. I offered them a quasi-bribe. I pay triple for a ticket in, and I go on one ride after the park is closed.”

“They didn’t ask why?”

Karyn waved her hand. “They did, but I just told them that I really hate lines. They probably think I’m drunk or something and aren’t expecting me to show.”

“You didn’t have to do this for me. And I know how tight money is with you anyway.”

“I wanted to. But listen. You’ve got to be extra careful. You’ll be invisible, but you’ve got to strap in as unobtrusively as possible, and be quiet too. There won’t be anyone else around, so if the ride operator hears voices, he’ll get suspicious.”

When they reached the park, it certainly wasn’t the pristine land that Karyn had described, but the lights were on and the last of the guests were filing to their cars. Karyn talked to the ticket-taker and the ride attendant, and a few minutes later, she and Derpy found themselves being strapped in to the front row of a car.

The roller coaster was not a fancy modern one. The track was made of wood, and the car rattled as it left the starting area.

They slowly pulled out and around a curve, then were dragged up to the highest part of the structure by a chain. As soon as it reached a peak, the car dipped and came back up. In a whisper, Derpy said, “That wasn’t so bad.”

The car went around another curve and was still moving slowly. From her seat, Derpy peered out and didn’t see any track below her. The reason became clear a second later as the bottom dropped out from under her.

Derpy was used to being in the air, but what was new about this sensation was the vibration as the car came back up and shuddered around a curve. The g-force she felt on the left turn was amplified as she spread her invisible wings and felt the wind on them. Around they went and came to the last bump. The car slowed and they pulled back into the starting gate.

Karyn thanked the attendant and they went back to the car, Derpy not trusting her hooves and staying airborne. Once they were ensconced in the quiet safety of the car, Karyn slipped on her Bluetooth and they started talking.

“Well, that’s a roller coaster. Not quite Disneyland, but that’s what I enjoyed.”

Derpy said nothing for a moment, and Karyn was worried for a moment that Derpy didn’t enjoy it, or was even hurt. But then she said, “That was awesome!”

“You liked it, huh?”

“It was one of the most fun things. Not all of it, just that one part.”

“I know what you mean,” said Karyn. “That big drop that you weren’t expecting, right?”

“No, that wasn’t the important part.”

“Then what was it? The fake-out drop?”

“No, the first part, where we were pulled up by the chain.”

Karyn looked at the empty seat next to her.

“Oh, yeah,” said Derpy. “Because all the time we were going up, I knew that there was going to be a drop at the end, but just being pointed at the sky was cool. I never fly at that angle.”

“I’m glad you could experience it, even if I couldn’t take you to Disneyland.”

Derpy was silent until they were back at the dorm. Sitting on the bed, she said, “Don’t worry about the other park. It was more than enough to have fun with you, and even more than more than enough to hear your story. It was like I was there with you, going through all those lands and being on the rides.”

“That’s very nice, but I’m not that good a storyteller.”

“Maybe I just have a good imagination then.”

“That’s definitely true.” Karyn went over to her computer and closed the window that still had the pictures of Disneyland on it.

“Speaking of which. . . “ said Derpy, causing Karyn to look at her.

“Yes?”

“Well, I was thinking about the whole atmosphere of that kind of park. Whether it’s clean and sunny like what you showed me, or simple and quiet like the park we just went to, rides and games and such are a lot of fun. And it occurred to me that I know somepony who’d be awfully interested in that sort of thing: Pinkie Pie.

“I’m going to tell her all about what we did here. Maybe she’ll build her own theme park in Equestria, or something like that.”

Karyn wondered if she had created a monster.

“I’m going to write to her as soon as I get home!” said Derpy, already preparing her return spell.

“That’s fine. Just tell her to keep on her side of the wall.”

Author's Notes:

Next time, on Derpy's Human:

Derpy rolled over and got the sun on her back. Her cutie mark reflected the light like the face of a watch.

“Do you think if I crawled over to the edge and peeked over, someone would see me and I could freak them out?”

“Don’t try it.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“It’s a shame though that you can’t have somepony else come with you to keep you company. “

“Yeah. . . wait!” Derpy clapped her hooves. “Not somepony—“

“Some zebra?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Derpy whispered to Karyn, “I bet you anything that as soon as we fly by, you’ll hear my name being called.”

Sure enough, as they prepared to turn up the next avenue, “Derpy?” in a Hooflyn accent came from behind.

That's coming next week, hope you enjoy it!

33: Neither Snow, Nor Rain, Nor Derp

The air was cold, but the sun was shining down and it was warm enough to go without jackets, even though Karyn had worn a long-sleeve shirt. Derpy, of course, was comfortable in any weather.

“This was a great idea,” Karyn said. “I’ve always wanted to do this, but they lock the doors.”

No one on the ground could have an angle to see them. The air was clear of birds and Karyn thought it unlikely that any workmen would be coming up on a Sunday. Derpy had waited till the coast was clear and flown them both up to the roof.

Derpy had suggested it, not knowing that the college had rules specifically forbidding access to the roof. She didn’t know about liabilities and fears of late-night drunken falls that could get the college sued. In Equestria, she hung out on roofs all the time. For Karyn, the rule-breaking would only bother her if she got caught. She thought it was silly to prevent people from going up in broad daylight when they were sober.

“Next time we need to bring up some chaises longue,” said Derpy.

They were leaning against the door to the stairs and sitting on the concrete. The black surface of the roof helped to warm them even more. In the distance, they could see the college’s soccer team practicing.

“If you can handle carrying the load, I wouldn’t say no. We could put a little fridge up here, maybe an end table. Then they’d wonder who was breaking through the locks.”

Derpy rolled over and got the sun on her back. Her cutie mark reflected the light like the face of a watch.

“Do you think if I crawled over to the edge and peeked over, someone would see me and I could freak them out?”

“Don’t try it.”

“Aww, come on. Probably they wouldn’t even know what I was.”

Karyn moved her sunglasses to the end of her nose and looked over them. “But they might, and then it’d be all up. Or they could think that some horrible demon pony creature lives on the roof.”

Derpy laughed at that. “Yes, I am the evil monster Derpy! Fear my powers of mail delivery!”

They lounged back and soaked up the sunrays for a while in silence. Karyn’s thoughts drifted idly as they are wont to do on a lazy Sunday.

“I suppose I should take these sunny days outdoors while I can,” she said.

“What do you mean? Is the sun here finally going to stop rising on its own?”

“Ha, no, hopefully not. I was just thinking that once I start work, I’ll be cooped up in an office all day and I won’t be able to enjoy days like this except on weekends and holidays. You might have an advantage, working outdoors.”

Derpy spaced out for a minute, then said, “It is nice, mostly. Some days, though, the bag is so heavy and the roads are so long and everypony I pass has something for me to take back and it takes all day, and when I finally get back home, all I want to do is to crawl into bed and pass out, but it’s worse if I do that, because if I do, as soon as I wake up it’s time to go back to work.

“Plus there’s the matter of money. A top weather-pony can earn enough in one year to set herself up nice, and then she only has to work a few days a week, and can set her own schedule. But a mailmare has to be there five days a week, sometimes six, all day, punching the clock. Celestia help me if I’m late. But that’s not the worst part.”

“What is?”

“It’s so lonely. No, that’s not it. I have lots of friends, both who work with me and who I know on the route, but all the time I talk to them, it can only be for a few minutes. It’s one of the reasons I love coming to see you each week. We can actually have an in-depth conversation without me having to say, ‘Oh, please excuse me, Mr. Widehaunch needs his Canterlot Weekly magazine’ or something like that.”

Karyn got up and ran for the door. “That reminds me, I have to go out with my parents today!”

“What?!”

“Nah, I’m just messing with you.”

Derpy glowered, but then laughed. “You got me,” she said.

“It’s a shame though that you can’t have somepony else come with you to keep you company. “

“Yeah. . . wait!” Derpy clapped her hooves. “Not somepony—“

“Some zebra?”

“Yes—no! Some person!”

Karyn looked down the hoof that was pointing at her. “Me? But I have to go to class.”

Derpy pointed at her wrist and then at her eyes. Karyn wondered what she was doing, then it clicked. “Right, the time distortion. But I don’t like doing that. Staying awake for a day in Equestria and then a day on Earth is like the worst jet lag.”

“It was just a thought. I’ve always flown the route on my own, I can keep doing it.”

“Right. And all the other mail-ponies do it.”

Derpy was curiously silent. Karyn tried to relax, but could sense the tension that had just come onto the roof. “What’s the matter, Derpy?” she asked.

“It’s nothing.”

“Come on, I know you better than that. Spill.”

Derpy sighed. “There is this one other mail-mare. Her name is Platinum Sprint. We see each other several times on our routes. I don’t think she likes me very much.”

“How could anypony not like you?”

“I know, right? But I don’t think that Platinum likes anypony.”

“Is she a stuck-up type?” Karyn thought that the name Platinum Sprint sounded pretentious.

“No, at least not in the way that Rarity isn’t. I mean, Rarity is nice, but she’s posh. There’s no posh-ness around Platinum, but once in a while she’ll tell me a story about one of her mare-friends and you can tell that she likes looking down on them.”

“But what else does she do that you don’t like her?”

Derpy took a deep breath. “Where to begin? OK, first she’s always asking for help with her route. If she gets a new address to deliver to, she’ll ask me how to get there, but then when I tell her, she doesn’t want to go that way because she doesn’t like using the side streets or something. She always wants to talk about the magazine serials that she reads, even though I don’t read them, so I just nod my head and go along. Oh, and Celestia forbid that she should catch me taking a break or chatting with somepony I’m delivering to.”

“She’ll call you out on it? But aren’t you supposed to be friendly?”

“The post office doesn’t say either way. But no, she doesn’t say anything. She just looks at me until I feel uncomfortable. Oh, and she is loud, and she doesn’t have an indoor voice, not even outdoors.”

Karyn thought about interrupting, but let it pass. Derpy continued.

“Anyway, I think the worst thing about her is that she has a short fuse. But not for anger, more for being upset. Like, as soon as anything goes out of normal—we get a big shipment or she forgets that there’s bad weather—she’ll talk about how ridiculous it is and why doesn’t everypony else take care of it?”

“And you have to run your mail route with her?”

Derpy went wide-eyed. “Oh, no! That would be bad, but at the same time it would be less lonely. If we really just flew the same route, I’d get to know her really well, and we’d just have to be friends.”

Karyn was skeptical, but said, “Then what’s the problem, if you don’t see her? Can’t you just ignore her?”

“Hmm. . . maybe this is easier if I show you. Have you got a piece of paper?”

Karyn pulled a sheet from the tray of her printer, then found a pen in her desk drawer. It amused her as always to see Derpy with the pen in her mouth, concentrating, finding it difficult to get the accuracy she wanted without the benefit of hands. But when she spat out the pen, there was indeed a nice drawing of Ponyville.

“This is the neighborhood where I deliver,” Derpy said. “Every day, I start out from the office and go to the northwest corner. Platinum Sprint goes to the southeast corner. I fly south, and she flies west, so by the time I get to the end of the first road, she’s done about the same, and we meet in the southwest corner. With me so far?”

“I think so.”

“So then I go to the next road over to the east and head back north. I zigzag all throughout. Usually I stop and eat lunch in the center of town, unless I’m hungry early or I can hold out to get to some of the good restaurants over here,” she said, pointing at one area.

“I think I get it. It’s almost like the two of you are weaving a pattern every day, and you meet at all the points along the diagonal.”

“Well, the real town isn’t as square and straight as this map, but that’s the general idea. Maybe a dozen times a day I’ll be going from house to house, store to store, happily saying hi to my friends or enjoying the reverie of flying, and there coming at me will be Platinum, and I know that I’ve got to be all business. It’s just very stressful.”

Derpy folded her ears down and turned away, indicating that she didn’t want to talk anymore about her co-worker. Karyn felt a little remorse, as if she had made Derpy pick at a wound that hadn’t quite healed. While Derpy trotted back to the edge of the roof, Karyn pulled out her phone and dialed up her calendar. After making some calculations in her head, she called out to Derpy.

“All right, it’s settled. I’m coming with you on your mail route this Wednesday.”

“What? But you just said—”

“Yes, and I’ve been working it out,” Karyn said, holding up the phone. “Monday night I have class, and also Tuesday morning, but after the morning class, I’ll come home and grab two hours sleep. I’ll go to my second class and then bank another ten hours, so I’ll be ready for the double shift. I’ll spend Equestrian Wednesday with you, come back for Earth Wednesday classes, and then crash at the end. I don’t have any tests this week, so I can make up any work I miss over the next week.”

“But what made you change your mind? I told you that I can deal with Platinum. It’s not like I’m really suffering.”

“I know, but the way you describe her, I’ve just got to meet her for myself!”

******************************************

Feeling extra refreshed, and trying not to think about staying up for twenty-four hours straight, Karyn and Derpy crossed the border and headed for the post office.

When they entered, Karyn saw a familiar face handling the distribution of mail to the deliverers. “Good morning, Mr. Mintsugar!”

The postmaster turned around and took off his glasses. He was certain that he was not on intimate terms with any human, and he didn’t recognize Karyn. “And you are?”

Karyn was taken aback, then remembered that the only time she had met him was when she was in Derpy’s body. She struggled to think of a way to explain. Derpy stepped in front. “This is my human friend, Mr. Mintsugar. Her name’s Karyn.”

“Oh, yeah,” said Karyn. “Derpy’s just told me so much about you that it feels like I know you.”

Mr. Mintsugar looked askance at them, but shook Karyn’s hand and went about his work. Derpy went to her station and started packing her sacks.

Karyn looked around the room, both trying to stay out of everypony’s way and seeing if she could spot the pony who was the reason she was there. From the name, she had a picture of an ice-blonde mare who would run everywhere and be in everypony’s faces, but she couldn’t see anyone who fit the bill.

“Psst. . . Derpy. Where’s Platinum Sprint?”

“Right next to you.”

Karyn froze up and turned her head slowly. She was afraid that there would be a scary pony staring at her, but when she got the angle to see, she was working on sorting and stuffing her own mailbags, even if she was leering at Karyn out of the corner of her eye.

She had a dirty brown mane and the start of a wrinkled face. Karyn knew that Derpy was an older pony, and she had seen some like Granny Smith that looked elderly, but this was the first pony she had seen that looked middle-aged. Platinum was rail-thin and if she was able to achieve speed, it was more by not having a lot of weight to carry than by having strong muscles. A cup of coffee sat by her station, and she put down her mail to dump about half a can of sugar into it.

“Morning, Derpy.” Her voice had an accent like Babs Seed’s, and she sounded tired.

“Good morning, Platinum. This is my friend, Karyn.”

Platinum waved and went back to work.

“Come on, Karyn, let’s go.”

With Karyn on her back and her saddlebags at her sides, Derpy was weighed down a little, and they advanced slowly. Ponies were opening up their stores for the day.

The first stop was a day care center. A bunch of colts and fillies were running around outside, and the matron could only duck away for a split second to take the mail Derpy offered in her mouth. “Thanks,” she said in a muffled voice.

“No problem, Dancey! See you tomorrow, Dancey! Have fun with the kids, Dancey!”

On the way to the next stop, Derpy said, “She has the same name as my mother had. Isn’t that cool? That’s why I like using it.”

The next building was a coffee shop, and the owner took time out to talk with Derpy. It was idle chatter, but they laughed and joked for about five minutes. Karyn couldn’t contribute much, but the coffee shop owner was still friendly.

They went on until they reached the end of the road, and just as Derpy had said, there was Platinum coming from the corner.

Derpy whispered to Karyn, “I bet you anything that as soon as we fly by, you’ll hear my name being called.”

Sure enough, as they prepared to turn up the next avenue, “Derpy?” in a Hooflyn accent came from behind.

“Yes, Plat?”

“I’ve got a package for that apartment building, but there’s no apartment on the address. What do I do?”

“Do you recognize the name?”

Platinum looked at the package. “I think so. But I don’t have any other mail for that name today.”

“But you’ve delivered to that name at a given apartment?”

“We’re supposed to take packages back to the office in this situation, right?”

Derpy frowned. “If you’re confident that it should go to a given apartment, then leave it there. If you don’t think you know where it goes, then take it back. Or you can try asking one of the neighbors if they know where it’s supposed to go.”

“Which one should I do?”

Karyn saw Derpy roll her eyes, and thought it was funny since they rolled at different rates, but was always wary of offending her friend. She expected Derpy to lose her temper or keep arguing, but instead they just kept walking.

Once they got around the bend, Karyn asked, “Aren’t you going to finish helping her?”

“I can’t. It’s her decision to make. But she doesn’t want to. If she leaves the package and it’s the wrong apartment, she’ll get in trouble. If she takes it back, she’ll have to deal with it again tomorrow. If she asks the neighbors, she’ll waste time. She knows all that. It’s not that she wants advice. She wants me to tell her what to do so I’ll be responsible for whatever goes wrong.”

“I get it. Yeah, that is kind of a jerk move.”

Derpy pointed her wing. “Ixnay. Here she is again.”

“Hey, Derpy!” called Platinum. “I left the package at the apartment I thought was right. I just hope I was right. Do you think I was right?”

“Don’t know.”

“Because if it’s the wrong address, it’s probably going to come back.”

“Probably.” Derpy huffed and kept moving.

At every intersection where they crossed, it was the same story. Platinum would ask for help or want to tell a story. At one, she was talking to a friend, and everypony could hear the conversation.

“Hey, Quiche! So my little filly is still number one on her hoofball team, but it’s so hard paying for the practices, you know? Oh, there’s my friend, Derpy! Derpy, you know Quiche Lorraine, right? So, anyway, I’m thinking of asking everypony I know to buy a raffle ticket to help out. Derpy, you want to buy a raffle ticket?”

Trying to cover quickly, Derpy talked to Karyn. “So you can see what I’m talking about with this mail route, right?”

“Oh, yeah. There’s a lot of houses to hit.” They both spoke in loud voices so as to pretend they couldn’t hear Platinum. Once they were away, she said in a low voice, “And she is loud. Everything you told me is true.”

“Would I lie?” said Derpy. “Anyway, time for lunch. Let me show you this place that makes the best straw pizza.”

They made their way to a courtyard in the town square. The sun was high in the sky and lots of ponies were stopping to have lunch. Derpy ordered a slice for each of them, and Karyn found it quite tasty, unlike most of the hay dishes she’d sniffed.

Derpy had her back to the shop where she’d gotten the pizzas, and Karyn could see Platinum coming up the way. When she got to the stand, she gave the back of Derpy’s head a look, then said to the cashier, “One slice, please, to go.”

Karyn felt the stare boring into her and whispered to Derpy, “Are we not supposed to be eating here?”

“No, I get my lunch break everyday. A lot of ponies don’t take it, though, because if they’re too long they get written up. So, they figure, eat on the fly and you won’t have to worry about going over your time. But I don’t do that. I just eat fast and work hard when I get back.”

“Has Platinum ever been written up?”

“I don’t know. It’s not something you ask somepony about. But probably. I never liked that expression. When you write something down, it’s good, but when you write somepony up, it’s bad.”

Karyn was torn between laughing at Derpy’s joke and saying what she wanted to get out. She shoved her laughter deep down and called out, “Hey, Platinum!”

The pegasus turned with a start, as if refusing to believe that anyone could match her for volume. She was even more agog when she saw that it was a human talking to her.

“Yes?”

“Why don’t you quit that passive-aggressive attitude and come talk to me. I can tell you don’t like seeing me here, although I don’t know if it’s because I’m human or because it means Derpy might actually have a good time on shift today or because you just hate anything that breaks your little routine. But I don’t care. Stop staring at me every time we cross paths, and stop trying to make Derpy do your job.”

Platinum tried several times to interrupt, but Karyn wouldn’t let her. At the first breath, she broke in, “You can’t talk to me like that.”

“Oh, yes, I can.”

Derpy flew between the two of them and separated them with her wings. “OK, don’t fight. We’ve got to get back on the road anyway, Karyn. Come on, mount up.”

Still giving Platinum the evil eye, she got on Derpy’s back and headed down the road.

“You should really stand up to her,” Karyn said.

“I do.”

“No, I don’t mean just standing on your hooves next to her. I mean it metaphorically. You should get angry the way I did.”

Derpy didn’t respond at first. She made another delivery and engaged with the pony as she usually did. Once they were airborne again, she said, “I won’t say I haven’t blown up at her once in a while, but here’s the thing. I’ve got to go back and work with her again tomorrow. And a lot of tomorrows. It’s different for you because you’re still in school, and you’ve always been in school. Anyone you have a problem with will be gone in four years at most.”

“Yeah, I guess I see your point. It doesn’t make it right though.”

“No, but it’s a balancing act. Because she got yelled at, Platinum will be nice to me for the next week or so. Then at some point I’ll be the one who has to do a few extra favors for her. We get by.”

They continued on Derpy’s postal route, but didn’t see Platinum Sprint again. When her saddlebags were empty and she was ready to fly back to the office, she hugged Karyn good-bye.

“Thank you for today. It made the time go by quicker, and now I’ve got all evening to have fun. I hope to make it up to you sometime when you’re at work.”

“I’d like that. But right now I’ve got my own day to start.”

Derpy took Karyn home and then left herself. Karyn yawned and went to class.

Author's Notes:

Here's your sneak peek at next week!

“I wish we had the Internet back in Equestria,” Derpy said. “Any time you want, you can just type in something and be entertained.”

“Yeah, but at the same time, it makes you not want to go out and do things.”

“Not for me. I’m ready to go out right now.”

Karyn dealt with her tousled hair and put on her makeup. “It’s easier for you to be ready.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When they finally returned to the dorm, they chatted and ate, thinking about what to do, when there came a knock at the door. With the efficiency of a fire drill, Karyn pointed at Derpy to go invisible and get out of the way, then went to open the door.

And I'll leave you on that cliffhanger!

34: Derpective! You're Looking For Me

After hearing of Derpy’s insomnia a few weeks before, Karyn decided to make her dorm ready for an early arrival. She had told Derpy that, if she was awake early, to go ahead and come over. The computer would be ready, and she could browse the internet or play games until Karyn woke up and they could spend the day together.

She had anticipated that such an arrival would wake her up, either by the sound of Derpy’s spell or the light from the monitor. She had also been concerned that, if they were both up early, they would be tired early as well. The problem she did not anticipate was that Derpy would come in, start watching funny videos, and they would both be distracted so much that she didn’t get dressed until noon.

“I wish we had the Internet back in Equestria,” Derpy said. “Any time you want, you can just type in something and be entertained.”

“Yeah, but at the same time, it makes you not want to go out and do things.”

“Not for me. I’m ready to go out right now.”

Karyn dealt with her tousled hair and put on her makeup. “It’s easier for you to be ready.”

“Whatever. I still say that you’re lucky to be working with computers. I wish that, when I was a filly, I started working and going to school to learn about the Internet that we had in Equestria thanks to my previous wish.”

“Oh, come on, there are lots of other things you probably would have studied. You can do anything you put your mind to.”

“Yeah, but I just have this feeling,” said Derpy, pointing at the computer, “like the Internet loves me.”

“It does.” Karyn headed to the bathroom to finish making herself presentable.

“What other things?”

“Huh?”

Derpy poked her head in and talked over the sound of the hair dryer. “You said that there were other things I might have studied as a filly. What kind of things did you mean?”

“Um, well, I didn’t have anything specific in mind, but I’m sure that the college offers plenty of interesting things that an inquisitive mare would like.”

“No history, though. I’ve had enough of that.”

Karyn shut off the dryer with an audible click. “Yes, I remember how you did my test. But why don’t we go around today and I’ll show you all the departments and explain to you what they do?”

“Can’t we just look them up on the web page?”

“Yes, but that’s what I was just saying you shouldn’t do. All the information we need can be obtained by using our legs, plus it’s a nice day for this time of year. I’ll grab my coat and hat, and you can keep warm because you’re a pony, and we’ll go out and get some air with our information.”

Derpy still thought that Karyn was being a little Luddite-ish, although she didn’t know the word for it. Nonetheless, they put on their disguises and headed out into the bright sun and cold air.

“Why is it so much more dazzling in the winter?” asked Derpy.

“Because the sun’s at a lower angle at the same time of day, so it gets in our eye.”

“I’m telling you, you humans need a princess to raise the sun for you instead of letting it go wherever it wants. We have winter the same way you do, and the sun stays overhead where it belongs.”

They walked down the path away from the dorms and toward the classrooms. Karyn’s college, being a state school, offered a lot of different programs. The first building they passed was a square, modern building with an open courtyard underneath.

“This is the school for business and accountancy,” Karyn said.

“So the students here want to run their own businesses?”

“Probably not, for most of them. You’re more likely to find people who want to run a business in another school for whatever it is they want their business to do. Or skipping going to college and just diving in. The people going here want to be part of other people’s business, telling them how to run it better and spend their money right. Of course, in a lot of those cases, they say that spending the money right means paying the business majors more.

“This is just my opinion, but the whole thing’s problematic. If people did start their own businesses, and didn’t sell stock and just ran it on their own, then no one could complain if they got rich and spent their money on perks for themselves. But because everything is a big corporation, they’re bad guys when they fly private or have big houses.”

Derpy let Karyn rant on, then raised a concern of her own. “For money, you guys use those plastic cards or paper bills, right?”

“Yeah.”

“I just think the architecture here is so plain. If we had this kind of school in Equestria, we’d build a nice, round, gold building to make it look like a bit.”

Karyn laughed, but then sighed. “I know. That’s why everything’s a little prettier there. But at the same time, we have all the modern conveniences like the computers you admire so.”

Derpy couldn’t argue with that, and they moved on.

Down the road, Karyn put on a smirk and pointed at two buildings right next to each other. “This has to be a kind of joke on the part of one of the administrators. The one on the left is the engineering department, and the one on the right is the Women’s Studies center.”

“How is that a joke?”

“Those two disciplines are rivals. The engineers think that schools for things like women’s studies or ethnic culture studies are ivory-tower fluff that have no relevance to the real world.”

“I’ve seen some very nice ivory towers in Canterlot,” said Derpy. “But you’re probably using it as an expression to mean far above the streets where things happen.”

“Very good, yes. Anyway, the women’s studies people think that engineering and the hard sciences are just perpetuating the world as it is and getting in the way of social progress.”

“Who’s right?”

Karyn thought about how best to answer her, and she kept walking as she did. “Neither one, really. IT is one of those hard sciences, and I’m certainly a woman, but I don’t feel loyalty to either side. But everyone’s after money.”

They turned a corner and walked along the main entrance road to the college. There were cars and trucks coming in and more people milling about. It looked like a class was about to start, as students were running into a building from several directions.

“What’s this one?” asked Derpy.

Karyn pointed at the sign on the door. “Like that says, this is the criminology department. You probably don’t have a lot of crime in Equestria, and when you do it’s more like somepony taking a bite of a cake they shouldn’t. But here, it’s an awful problem, and how to stop it and conduct investigations is a big issue.”

At that moment, Derpy’s stomach gave an audible grumble.

“A bit hungry, are we?” Karyn asked.

“Yeah, we got such a late start that I didn’t eat much.”

“Me neither. Well, come on, let’s grab something at the cafeteria and head back to the dorms.”

Suiting the deed to the word, they made their way swiftly to pick up lunch. There was a bit of a lunch rush, and Karyn had to sneak Derpy a few lettuce leaves just to stop her from continuing her stomach-rumbling. It was hard for her to pretend that the loud noise came from her own belly, which was tiny in comparison to Derpy’s barrel.

The young man there had a pudgy face that Karyn didn’t recognize. His pop-eyes scanned the room as soon as the door opened, and sweat gleamed from his face, despite the relative cold. He said nothing, but Karyn had a distinct feeling of discomfort, so she said, “Yes? Can I help you?”

“I saw you a few hours ago in front of the criminology building. I’m studying there to be a detective.”

“That’s good, I guess.”

“They train us there to be observant. I like to think I’ve learned a thing or two. For example: when I see someone ostensibly talking on a cell phone, but whose Bluetooth isn’t showing any light, and who’s point at signs like the person on the other end of the phone can see, in an area that I know to be a complete dead zone for cellular coverage, I start to get suspicious. So I’d like to know what’s going on.”

He watched her face for a reaction, and was not disappointed. Karyn showed panic before recovering and trying to bluff her way through. “I’m sorry, I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about. I do talk on my cell phone, and maybe I point because I forget, but there’s nothing duplicitous.”

“Mmhm,” he said. “May I come in?”

“I’d rather you didn’t.”

“That’s fine. I can also tell you that I heard two voices coming up, and even looking in I don’t see anyone else.”

“Of course you did,” said Karyn. “I was Skyping with a friend.”

“Very nice of you to set two places for lunch, both of which have been eaten, for a friend that you’re only talking to online.”

“I’m sorry, I never got your name.”

“It’s Albert. Very nice to meet you.” He flashed a toothy grin and extended his hand, but Karyn didn’t want to shake it. It looked as greasy as his face. “And I accept.”

“What?”

“You said, ‘I’m sorry.’ Twice. And you changed the subject. It’s clear you’re hiding something. I like to know what people are hiding.”

Karyn didn’t know what to think. The cover was blown. He wasn’t going to go away until he found out all about Derpy, told the world, and got his name in the paper for discovering that talking ponies were real. Then she took a moment. He was just a student, with no real authority. He couldn’t search her room or conduct any kind of real investigation. And whatever he suspected, it was probably nowhere near the truth. She’d have to brazen it out.

“All right. What do you think is going on?”

“My theory isn’t complete, but it’s definitely something supernatural. You’ve got a ghost or an invisible man or something. Maybe you have fairy godparents.”

She wanted to slap his fat face. Instead she said, “You’re way off” and closed the door in his face.

“What—“ she started to say, but Derpy turned back visible and waved her hoof frantically. She pointed at the door, and then at her ears, wiggling them about. Karyn understood that she meant that Albert was probably still listening. Then Derpy pointed at her bag, at Karyn, and at her own back in sequence. Karyn nodded and got on her back as she pulled out her spell as quietly as she could.

Once they were safely in Equestria, Karyn exhaled and started gibbering. “What are we going to do? How could he have made so many connections? Oh, we’ve been so careless. I should never have taken you out so often, or we should have used a better disguise. I need to watch what I say and I should remember that everyone else sees me as talking on the phone when I’m really not. We’ve got to get him to go away!”

Derpy listened, letting Karyn expend her energy before they discussed it rationally. She was pleased to hear that at no point in her ramblings did Karyn suggest, or even worry about, the two of them not seeing each other on Earth anymore. They had gotten past that at least.

“We were careless, but he also got lucky,” said Derpy. “We pass hundreds of other humans all the time and they don’t notice anything because they’re polite enough not to.”

“That’s true. He’s definitely a jerk. So what can we do about him? I don’t suppose you have a spell to erase his memory? We can make him forget that he saw anything.”

Derpy was shocked. “I don’t have anything like that! Twilight and Lyra said they would under no circumstances craft any spells that would hurt anyone, humans or ponies.”

“It wouldn’t be hurting him exactly.”

“A person’s mind is their most precious possession. There’s nothing more hurtful than messing with another’s mind.”

Karyn wasn’t sure if she agreed. “Well, it’s a moot point anyway, if you don’t have the spell. So how do we deal with him?”

“Do you think he knows about the show? If he does, or if we can make him understand, maybe we can just explain everything to him.”

“I don’t know if you looked at him, or if you heard the tone of his voice. He’s not out looking for friends. It’s either that he’s so driven by a puzzle he can’t figure out that he won’t go away until he understands, or he’s envisioning the fame and fortune he’ll get once he reveals it to the press. He might even think I’m planning a terrorist attack or something that he’ll stop.”

Derpy pondered for a moment. “Then what we’ve got to do is give him a plausible explanation for what he thinks he saw, and let him know that it’s something completely mundane. After that, he won’t care.”

They brainstormed a few ideas, but weren’t meeting with much success. “It’s the second lunch that’s the real problem,” said Karyn. “He knows that there was a second person in the room eating and talking. If we could show him someone else, we could try to explain it away. But there’s no way to do that.”

“Maybe there is. But we need some supplies. And maybe a little luck of our own.”

“What did you have in mind?”

They descended to Derpy’s house, where she brought out a big sheet of paper. Together they drew up their plan.

“And are you sure about this explanation?” Karyn asked.

“It worked once before.”

Half an hour later, they walked out of a shop in Ponyville carrying a package. “I didn’t even realize that you had shops like this here,” said Karyn.

“Oh, yes, for parties, or for Nightmare Night when parents don’t want to spend a lot of time.”

Karyn opened the box and slipped on the black wig. “I’ll need a different outfit too.”

“You’ll have to change as soon as you get back.”

“No, I’ll just throw on a sweater or jacket over top of this. Come on, let’s go.”

She got on top of Derpy’s back, signaled her readiness, and looked around as soon as they returned to her room. She found a gray jacket in her closet that provided a nice contrast to her maroon shirt. She ran to the door and looked out the peephole, bending her eye to see down the hall. As she expected, the junior detective was still waiting and listening. Silently counting to three, she tore open the door and broke into a run down the hall to the stairs at the end.

Now she had to be a little careful. She didn’t want to get caught, but neither did she want to lose him by running too fast. The stairs were the kind that went back and forth in a well behind swinging doors. He burst through a few seconds after she did, and she was on the first floor when he was halfway down the flight to the second. She opened the door and let it swing, then went outside.

She slowed up to allow him time to catch up. Crossing over the front of the building, she turned to move to the back where the garbage bins were kept. As soon as she was sure that he saw her go there, she moved in to where Derpy, invisible and guiding her by whispers, was standing. She jumped back on and a moment later was back in Equestria.

Now it was time for phase two. “For once I’m glad of the time distortion,” Karyn said. They flew back to Derpy’s house, where she took off the jacket and wig.

When they appeared back in Karyn’s room again, she calmly walked over to the window and peered out to where Albert was still looking around the corner. “Everything all right?” she called.

He looked back up to see her, his eyes narrowing. She pulled her head back in the room and gathered up the trash from the two lunches. Calmly strolling down to the bins, she dumped it in and grinned.

“All right, who is she?”

“Who’s who?” If she had faked confidence before, now it was genuine, and he knew it.

“Where was she went I was up there?”

He was on the defensive now, and Karyn sensed it. “Excuse me if I decide not to tell you about what my girlfriends and I do in my room.” She figured that the thought of two females together would cloud his judgment.

“But you weren’t talking to her outside the building. You couldn’t have been.”

“You’re right, I wasn’t. That was a completely separate issue.”

“All right, then,” he said, “spill.”

“I suppose I might as well, since it won’t do you any good. You are familiar, I assume, with proprietary information as related to new products and services? And the laws that go with them?”

“Yes.” He stretched it out as if expecting a lie.

“I don’t know how well you keep up with technology in the criminology department, but I can assure you we’re always researching something new. Or at least combinations of old technology. For example, you’ve seen that software on cell phones that answers questions you pose by voice. And I’m sure you’ve also heard of GPS. Then again, there’s also the satellite and local camera apps that give you real-time views of street locations. Well, it’s a project of mine to combine all three. So yes, even though I don’t have cell reception everywhere on the campus, I can still input information into the system I’m working with. You didn’t see the hidden camera I had below my bangs. Ultimately I plan to have a system that can recognize images, addresses, and voice commands, and translate any one into another.”

Karyn didn’t know if he would buy the explanation, but she was sure of two things. One, that he was completely out of his depth with the level of technology she was describing. Two, that she spoke with confidence, as if she actually believed the story she was telling.

Albert’s pop-eyes shrank to dots as he tried to stare her down, but she kept her grin and stuck out her tongue a little.

“Maybe,” he said. “We’ll see. I’m going to keep my eye on you, and find out who that other girl was. I still say there’s more here that you’re not telling me. Maybe not illegal, but definitely embarrassing. Oh, yes, I’ll be watching.”

“You just try it.”

“Don’t underestimate me. I’m smarter than you.”

Karyn laughed. “No. You’re not.”

He stormed off. Her laughter rose to audible levels, and Derpy came up and said, “What’s so funny?”

“He said, ‘I’m smarter than you.’ The word you can mean both one person or multiple. He might be smarter than me, but he’s definitely no match for the two of us.”

“What are we going to do now?”

“First, we’re going to write up a fake but plausible sounding paper about cell-voice-GPS-camera integration—which isn’t a bad idea, actually. I might start working on that for a term paper. Then we’re going to stop worrying. Between technology and magic, we won’t have any problems.”

Derpy shook her head and laughed. “When you put it that way, it almost sounds fun.”

Author's Notes:

Sorry it's a little late, but here's the preview for next week!

Derpy headed to the door, but then stopped. “Breakfast! Darn, I forgot to feed the cat. I’ll be right back, I promise.”

“Why don’t I come with you?”

“No, that’s OK. I’ll be back in an infinitesimal amount of time. You won’t even notice I’m gone."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One of the ponies who was setting the table heard the tail end of their conversation. He was a short and stocky stallion with a shoe for a cutie mark. “What’s that you’re talking bout?” he asked. “I’m always interested in how magic works.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Underneath was a spread of desserts. Tarts, pies, and strudels steamed into the air.

“It all looks good,” said Karyn, “but I really couldn’t eat another bite.”

“Another?”

“Um, I mean, I had a big meal back home.”

Be sure to check it out!

35: Derping Thomas

“Morning, Karyn! What’s doing?”

“Hey, Derpy. Just trying to straighten up a bit around here.”

Karyn had no propensity for neatness, but as Derpy surveyed the room, she found little to complain about, except the desk. Papers, envelopes, and folders were thrown around in a haphazard arrangement.

“At least it looks like you’re getting some studying done.”

“I know, right? Some people say that a messy desk is the sign of a hard worker.”

Derpy looked up. “Dinky doesn’t have a messy desk though, and she does study.”

“Yeah, but she can also probably magic everything straight.”

“Good point.”

Karyn swept up all the remaining paper into a pile and tapped it on the desk until it at least resembled a rectangle. “In my case, though, yes, I have been hard at work on a research paper. You’d think that if I’m studying IT, they’d have less actual paper involved.”

“Why?”

“Well, because it’s all about recording information not on paper, but in digital format.”

Derpy shrugged. “In Equestria, we do everything on scrolls and it works out fine.”

“You have a much simpler world. So many modern conveniences you lack. I wouldn’t want them to creep too much in, and destroy your rustic beauty.”

“Why, Karyn! That’s awfully nice of you.”

Karyn ran over her last sentence in her mind, then figured out the non sequitur.

“I didn’t mean you specifically. Your beauty is more cloud-like. Anyway, I’m just about done here, so let’s grab some breakfast.”

“Sounds good.” Derpy headed to the door, but then stopped. “Breakfast! Darn, I forgot to feed the cat. I’ll be right back, I promise.”

“Why don’t I come with you?”

“No, that’s OK. I’ll be back in an infinitesimal amount of time. You won’t even notice I’m gone."

Before Karyn could react, Derpy had turned on her spell and was back in Equestria. She hoped that Muffinhead would still be in bed, but didn’t have any luck. He was pacing around his food dish, impatiently tapping his paw. When he saw her, he pointed at the empty bowl.

“Yes, I’m sorry, I know,” she said. “I think you’re getting more Equestrian all the time. Soon you’ll want to meet Opal and have kittens.”

He looked at her skeptically, and tapped the bowl again. She filled it quickly and was all set to go back to Earth, when a knock on the door caught her attention. She put down the spell.

“Mornin’, Derpy.”

“Applejack! What brings you around?”

“Are you busy right now?

Derpy was about to respond yes, but realized that Karyn would wait as long as she needed and still not notice. “I have some free time.” Literally, she thought.

“I need some pegasus assis—pegusasst—I need help from somepony with wings!”

“Those I have. What do you have?”

“We’re having a get-together at the farm. Not a full-blown Apple family reunion, but a select few dozen ponies round for a nice sit-down dinner and bonfire.”

“Sounds nice,” said Derpy. “Where do I come in?”

“It’s going to be a picnic at night in the clearing of a grove, but unless we want to stumble over each other in the dark, we’ve got to string some lights in the trees. We could do it ourselves, but we’d have to climb each tree one by one, and it’d just be so much easier for you.”

Derpy had an idyllic image of a large group of earth-toned Earth ponies sitting at picnic tables in the grove, all under the burning lights that she would string up. She also had a less-than idyllic image of herself spending hours of wing-breaking labor getting scratched by pointy leaves. One question remained in Derpy’s mind.

“Why come to me? Surely Rainbow Dash would be better suited to—“

“I already asked her,” said Applejack. “But she’s training for a big race that’s coming up.”

“What about Fluttershy?”

“Fluttershy has a squirrel who’s sick. She has to take care of him. I had actually swung by her place on the way to yours, but, you know.”

Derpy was disappointed both that her pegasus friends couldn’t help and that Applejack had gone to them instead of her. “There’s Thunderlane. He’s always available to help out.”

“Sprained his wing.”

“Cloud Chaser?”

“Emergency storm duties in Baltimare. They’ve had a drought there all month.”

“Cloud Kicker?”

“Also in Baltimare. They got the name wrong when they sent for Cloud Chaser.”

“Flitter?”

“Helping out another friend who’s also having a get together.” Applejack shook her head. “What are the odds?”

Derpy saw her odds of escaping the favor dropping. She desperately tried to think of anypony else who could help.

“How about Snowflake?”

“That big stallion with the tiny wings? I don’t even know him.”

“Wild Fire?”

“Busy with some deadline. Apparently she’s a writer. Who knew?”

“Unnamed Pegasus Mare Number Seven?”

“Derpy! Put down that list of pegasi!” Applejack stomped her hoof impatiently.

Derpy changed tacks. “How about Pinkie Pie hopping from tree to tree with the lights the same as when she hops over buildings in a parade? Or she could warp from one to the other the way she does.”

“She can only do that when nopony’s looking. Or when it’s funny.”

“Can Twilight use her magic to put them up?” asked Derpy.

“Hmm. . .”

“Yes? Can she?”

“I don’t like to impose on her.”

Derpy’s face fell. “Well, then, I suppose I’ll be happy to help.”

“I knew I could count on you.”

They trotted over to Sweet Apple Acres. On the way, Derpy explained that it was her day to spend with Karyn, and that she was time-locked now, waiting for her.

“I’m not sure that figures right,” said Applejack. “When she goes from Earth to Equestria, time there stops, but when you do, it keeps moving.”

“No, that’s not how it works. See, there’s a ‘home base’ for both of us at any moment. If that home base is Earth, and we leave and come back, then it’s the same time. If the home base changes to Equestria, then time moves on Earth.”

“But what changes it?”

“Well, it’s magic,” said Derpy, waving her hoof. “It’s very contextual. If Karyn came here to live, time would probably move on Earth, because it would have to. But so long as it’s just visiting, it doesn’t. It’s probably the same for Lyra’s human.”

They had reached the orchard. Big McIntosh and Apple Bloom were doing most of the work, but there were a few of the guests who, having arrived early, were pressed into service hauling picnic tables and the like. Granny Smith was at one of those tables, snoring loudly.

One of the ponies who was setting the table heard the tail end of their conversation. He was a short and stocky stallion with a shoe for a cutie mark. “What’s that you’re talking bout?” he asked. “I’m always interested in how magic works.”

Applejack pointed at him. “Derpy, meet my third cousin from Galloping Gorge, Apple Cobbler. Apple Cobbler, my friend Derpy.”

Derpy shook hooves. “AJ, you have two other cousins from there?”

“No, meaning that he’s the grandson of one of Granny Smith’s cousins. Three generations back, so third cousin.”

“Oh, so that’s how that works. I always find it confusing.”

“Not as confusing as a pegasus pony who hangs out with a human.”

Apple Cobbler spoke up. “That’s what I want to know about. What’s a human?”

That got Derpy going. It was impossible for Applejack to get Derpy’s attention and start her on the light stringing. She regaled Apple Cobbler with tales of some of her adventures with Karyn. There was a coal bin for when the Apples would be grilling, so Derpy took a piece of charcoal and a sheet of butcher paper and drew a crude picture of Karyn, labeling some of the parts where humans differed from ponies. After twenty minutes of this, Cobbler burst out laughing.

“Sorry, I just couldn’t keep a straight face anymore! That there’s got to be the tallest yarn I ever heard and no mistake. Humans indeed!”

“No, it’s all true!”

“You’re pulling my leg, darlin’. Got to be. Such a creature couldn’t exist.”

Derpy was a little frustrated. “I just left her an hour ago.”

“All right, little filly, tell me this. Is it very dark on this Earth world?”

“Sometimes. Not today.”

Cobbler smirked. “Well, if the humans don’t have any magic, then how do they raise the sun? Tell me that!”

“They don’t have to. In their world, the sun is a massive object that their planet revolves around.”

“And what pushes it?”

Derpy’s mouth hung open. “It just goes, all right? They have a lot more physics there than we do.”

“Well, let’s just pretend that that could happen. So you’ve got a round world going around a sun. How would you ever have seasons? The sun would just keep beating down on the world. It’d be always summer or always winter.”

“Nuh-uh! Because it’s not a circle. It’s an ellipse.” Derpy was proud of having researched that fact on one of her internet sessions.

“Can’t be. You need two points of focus for an ellipse. What’s the other one, the moon?”

“Exactly!”

The skeptical Cobbler rolled his eyes and picked up the drawing. “Look at what you have here. The forelegs don’t reach the ground. There’s no way for this creature to stand up and balance. We don’t build tables and chairs with only two legs for the same reason. Three is a minimum to avoid falling over.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about. Humans aren’t tables and chairs. They balance themselves by constant adjustment.”

“Ridiculous! They’d have to have muscles like Big Mac to do that. And consume three bales of hay a day.”

Derpy decided not to try to convince him that humans didn’t eat hay. “I’m telling you, that’s how it is.”

“Even if they could stand, how would they walk? As soon as they took one hoof off the ground, they’d be on only one. Don’t try to tell me that anything can balance on one leg.”

“Humans can do that too, for short periods of time. But as for walking, that’s exactly what they do. They fall over, and move the other leg in front to stop them from tipping all the way.”

Apple Cobbler shook his head. “Again, you don’t get it. Yeah, ponies might do that, because if they fall and break a hip they’ve got hospitals and doctors to fix it, but a wild creature who hurt themselves couldn’t survive if they didn’t have balance. You need a sturdy, quadruped body in order to achieve civilization. Any biologist will tell you the same.

“And furthermore, look at the eyes. You can’t have drawn this right, or rather, it’s a perfectly plausible drawing of a ridiculous creature. They’re too close together. This thing would have no peripheral vision. Any predator could sneak up on it from the back or sides and it wouldn’t see until it was too late.”

Derpy just stood there and fumed, trying to think of something that he couldn’t argue with. It was Applejack who came up with the direct solution. “Derpy, why don’t you just magic on back and pick her up and introduce her round? Then everypony here will be able to see for themselves.”

“You shouldn’t encourage the filly in her delusions,” Cobbler said, but Derpy was already gone.

Back in the dorms, an exasperated Derpy was relaying what was said. Karyn listened, but she found the whole thing more amusing than annoying.

“But he said that you were unable to walk, and that you’d fall victim to predators! He insulted you!”

“It’s not insulting, because it’s not true. He’s just ignorant. We should enlighten him.”

“I have to do that anyway,” said Derpy, “when I go back and string the lights.”

“That’s not what I meant, but take me with you and we’ll do it together.”

Back in Equestria, Derpy quickly found Apple Cobbler again. “Now this is my friend, Karyn the human.”

Karyn waved her hand and laughed at the expression the stallion wore. Despite living in a world of magic and wonder, her simple form made his jaw drop.

He trotted around her, looking from all sides.

“Well, I’ll be a donkey’s uncle. I still don’t get how you’re standing up though.” He gave her a gentle nudge with his head. She compensated and regained her balance, then stood on one foot and stuck her tongue out.

Derpy joined her in razzing the skeptical Apple Cobbler. “Well, Karyn, do you want to help me with helping Applejack set up? Your hands would be really useful in positioning the lights she needs.”

“I’d like nothing better,” Karyn said, mounting Derpy as she took off, leaving Apple Cobbler slack-jawed.

Once they were out of hearing, Derpy burst out laughing. “Oh, you really frazzled him! It was hilarious.”

“You shouldn’t laugh at him. He’s a country pony, so he’s probably not used to the idea of someone from another world.

“In the first place, Ponyville isn’t exactly the center of Equestria either, so it’s no excuse. In the second, there’s nothing wrong with being a farm pony, but courtesy is still expected. He talked down to me like I was a filly, so I enjoyed getting him back.”

“Well, that’s not so bad I guess.” They had reached the edge of the clearing, Derpy hovering by a tree. Karyn wrapped the cord for the first light around a thick branch.

“Hmm.”

“What’s the matter, Derpy?”

“All that arguing made me hungry. Do you think anypony would mind if I. . . ?” she reached her hoof toward one of the apples hanging temptingly from a branch.

“Probably not. Applejack’s always generous.”

“That’s Rarity you’re thinking of. Applejack’s the element of honesty.”

“Yes, but having one element doesn’t preclude you from showing other virtues,” said Karyn.

“Good point, and I shouldn’t argue it, because then I’ll get more hungry, and have to take more apples.”

Derpy grabbed an apple with her hoof and pulled it off with a satisfying snap. As she flew on to the next tree she bit into it. Karyn was treated to a symphony of smacking, chewing, and “Mmm”s.

“That really hit the spot!” Derpy said. Karyn was rigging the next light, and Derpy’s face was right in front of the tree. “Well, they surely wouldn’t notice two apples gone any more than one, right?”

“Are you asking me? I say go for it.”

“Do you want one?”

“No, thanks. I’m not that hungry,” said Karyn. But when she had done a couple more lights, and when she had heard Derpy gushing about the taste at each one, and when she found herself staring at a shiny apple that had such an intense redness, she started to waver.

“Go ahead, take it. Come on, when has anything bad ever come from eating an apple offered by someone close to you?”

Karyn looked down suspiciously, but Derpy’s expression was hidden by their position. She didn’t know if Derpy knew of forbidden-fruit legends and was making a joke, or if she was being serious. Still the apple was held on Derpy’s hoof, and Karyn, not being particularly religious, shrugged and bit in.

It wasn’t long after that that they were flitting from tree to tree, munching indiscriminately as they worked. As each apple was finished, they slipped the cores onto Derpy’s flank.

“I’ll toss them out when we get back on the ground,” she said.

“That’s the problem with certain foods like apples. They leave evidence of how many you’ve eaten.”

Derpy thought that droll, and almost lost the cores as she laughed. She righted herself and they finished the job.

Landing back by the picnic tables, Derpy surreptitiously found a trash bag and tipped the apple cores into it. She turned hastily to find Applejack coming up.

“We got the lights all up.”

“Thank you kindly. And just in time, too. We’re about ready to start and the sun’ll be setting any minute now.”

“Any minute?” asked Derpy, looking up. “We don’t know which? Is something wrong with Princess Celestia?”

“No, I just mean soon, and I didn’t want to look it up exact. Anyway, thanks again. Say, d’you two want to stick around?”

Karyn said, “Isn’t it Apple Family only?”

“Nah. Like I said, it’s not an all-out reunion. And we got plenty of food.”

Applejack pulled a large table into the clearing and removed its tablecloth. Underneath was a spread of desserts. Tarts, pies, and strudels steamed into the air.

“It all looks good,” said Karyn, “but I really couldn’t eat another bite.”

“Another?”

“Um, I mean, I had a big meal back home.”

Derpy had already tied a napkin around her neck. “Well, you don’t have to ask me twice! I’m gonna dig in!”

“Didn’t you have a big meal too?”

“I didn’t have any of this crumb cake,” she said, reaching, “or this tart, or this apple cobbler.”

“Did I hear my name called?” The stout stallion had returned and taken his own seat between Derpy and Karyn, helping himself to a large plate of desserts as well.

“I think Derpy just meant the actual dish,” said Karyn, pointing.

Cobbler looked at her finger. “I’ve got to apologize to you for before. I guess you’re every bit as real as ponies are. I just never figured it could be so, but I’ve led a limited life it seems.”

“It’s not me you need to apologize to.”

“Of course. Sorry, Derpy, for doubting you.”

“Cut me a slice of pie and we’re all even!”

Cobbler laughed and paid his penance. Karyn poked daintily at a few caramel-covered bits off a tart. She whispered to Derpy, “I don’t know how you can still eat after all you had before. You must have a separate stomach for dessert.”

“No, that would be the ruminants like cows. I’ll introduce you to some of them sometime.”

While she wasn’t hungry, Karyn certainly enjoyed the atmosphere of ponies laughing and chatting. The Apples, other than Cobbler, saw nothing odd about a foreign creature visiting them.

Much of the talk stemmed around farming, and the problems they had with growing and organizing their farms. Karyn did more listening than talking, getting an education in problems like dealing with insects, preserving plant life through winter, and keeping an inventory of crops.

At one point, Apple Cobbler was talking about how much trouble he had with paperwork.

“I can figure out how to store apples just fine,” he said, “and how to know where they are at any time by writing that down. But what I don’t know is how to store all the scrolls I have that tell me where my apples are. My work-desk’s a huge mess.”

Derpy put down her fork and nudged Karyn in the ribs. “Sounds like somepony else I know.”

“I wonder,” Cobbler said, “about how you handle it, Miss Karyn. You live in a whole nother world where everything’s different. What do you do to keep track of things on your farm?”

“Oh, I don’t have a farm myself.”

“Heh. I’m too used to everypony I know growing crops.”

“But the farms we do have on Earth are the last to get the kind of things you’re talking about.” Karyn cast her memory back to some of her textbooks. “We have ways of organizing information, but there’s a whole big, complicated infrastructure involved. It's not something that could be moved wholesale to Equestria.”

“Mm. I would like it though if you could stop by my ranch sometime and see if you can’t find anything I’m doing wrong.”

“Oh, my. Look at the time! Derpy, don’t we have to be getting back to that. . . thing, back at the place?”

Derpy was a little disappointed to have to cut her sixth dessert short, but she saw that her friend was in trouble. They trotted off together.

“You know, it’s funny,” she said. “Back on Earth, you’ve got Albert, who doesn’t know I exist and believes something anyway, and here there’s Apple Cobbler, who knows you exist, and I think he still doesn’t believe it.”

“Yeah.” Karyn had a sinister grin. “Hey, Derpy, do you still have that mind-switch spell?”

“We couldn’t!”

“I know, I know,” Karyn said.

“But it would be funny.”

They laughed as they flew off.

Author's Notes:

Here's everypony's favorite section, the preview!

Karyn shook her head as if trying to clear it of water while she picked up a card.

“At least it hasn’t broken since then.”

“Huh?”

Karyn repeated herself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hmm. . . wait, you said it was gradual, but it happened all of a sudden.”

“Yeah, but it started all of a sudden,” said Derpy.

“That’s true of everything that happens gradually.”

“I suppose, but this is no time to be quibbling over semantics!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's all for the quotes, but I'll tell you that we'll have a certain mint-green guest star!

36: A Derp By Any Other Name

Across the table, electricity arced. Derpy focused, one eye pointing down, the other looking straight ahead, neither blinking. A bead of sweat formed on her brow. The air hung silent and tense. Knowing the gravity of the situation, she used all her concentration. With her wings folded tightly and every muscle tight, she opened her mouth, licked her lips, and spoke.

“Nines.”

Karyn, whose gaze had never left Derpy’s, let the moment pass. With the commitment made, everything was determined. It only remained for the result to transpire. With the slow precision of a surgeon, she reached her right hand toward her left. As it made contact, Derpy started to grin, but cut herself off with a sharp intake of breath. Karyn merely pushed her other hand down. Then she sat back, breathed in through her nose, and said:

“Go fish.”

“Oh, come on!” The tension was broken as Derpy reached for the card pile.

The overcast sky and layer of snow on the ground outside Karyn’s dorm gave them a closed-in atmosphere.

“It sucks that the weather’s so bad,” Karyn said, “but on the other hand this is just what I like to do on these days. Just stay in and veg out, right? Any twos?”

“Go fish,” said Derpy, rearranging her cards as she held them in her hoof. “And I don’t know. It seems like whenever we start out that way, something always happens to us. Aces?”

Karyn passed over a card. “But it’s not always bad, what happens. Nines?”

“You sneaky human!” said Derpy, throwing the nine on the table. “No, it’s not all bad, but if a lazy Sunday is what you’re looking for, you might not get it.”

They played a few more hands before Karyn picked up the thread again.

“And conversely, bad things that do happen to us don’t always come on lazy days. Remember when your spell failed and you were stuck here? That happened after we were at the carnival all day. Any jacks?”

“I do rememfer,” said Derpy. “Ho fish.”

“Beg your pardon?”

“I said, yeah, I remember it. I had to stay an extra two days. And no jacks.”

Karyn shook her head as if trying to clear it of water while she picked up a card.

“At least it hasn’t broken since then.”

“Huh?”

Karyn repeated herself.

“That was weird, it sounded like you had corn popping in your mouth,” said Derpy. “Very whoor-sounling sheeth.”

“What?”

“A seh, a hoonen oinan smangoo”

Karyn put the cards down and stood up. “Derpy, stop that. Are you doing it intentionally?”

Derpy spoke again, but it was even more difficult for Karyn to make out anything. It was clear that Derpy was talking, but it sounded more like a horse’s whinnies and neighs. Still, there was the definite structure of a language, and Derpy’s eyes and gestures showed how distressed she was.

“You can’t understand me either?” said Karyn. “Is that what you’re trying to say?”

She realized how silly this was as they both talked over each other. Karyn put up her hand. “If you can understand me, nod your head and flap your wings.”

Instead of any physical response, Derpy gave more of her whinnying language.

“I don’t understand what’s going on. You always spoke English before. But maybe you didn’t. Maybe you’ve always spoken like this and it’s part of your magic that I can understand you.” She got up and went to Derpy’s saddlebag, which was routinely hung on Karyn’s coat rack. She pointed at the bag, then brought her hand to her mouth, opening and closing it in a charade of talking, then pointed alternatingly at Derpy and herself.

Derpy, meanwhile, had had an idea of her own. Flying to Karyn’s desk, she picked up a pen and paper and wrote a note. When Karyn looked at it, her face fell. There were a few marks she could recognize as letters like H or V, but for the most part it was gibberish. She shook her head and pointed at the spell again.

To her surprise, Derpy, instead of agreeing or nodding, opened the bag and took out the return spell. She held the bag in her mouth and put her hoof in the spell. Before Karyn could say anything, she was gone.

“What? No! I didn’t mean, ‘Go back home,’ I just meant that the magic was what was the problem.”

******************************************

When Derpy reappeared in her house, she sniffed the air. Most winter storms didn’t carry lightning with them, but with the drier weather there was more static, and Derpy thought that might have caused the spell to degrade, but as she was only a pegasus, and not versed in the ways and means of magic, all it could be was a guess. In any case, her immediate mission was to find somepony who was expert in magic.

In the few months since the science of spellcrafting was invented, few unicorns had taken up the vocation, and fewer had produced results, although she heard that Zecora had taken to using crafted spells with her potions. For her immediate purposes, Derpy was forced to choose between Lyra and Twilight. Lyra was closer.

She ran over to her house and knocked on the door. Bon-bon answered.

“Hi, Derpy. Good to see you again. Isn’t today your Earth day?”

“No, Earth Day is in April. Oh, I see what you mean. Yeah, that’s what I need to talk to Lyra about. Is she home?”

“Somepony call my name?” The unicorn stepped into the vestibule. “What’s wrong?”

“Every time I’ve been to Earth and seen Karyn, she—and every other human—speaks good, proper Equestrian. And then today, all of a sudden, she gradually started sputtering and popping and I couldn’t understand a word she was saying.”

“Hmm. . . wait, you said it was gradual, but it happened all of a sudden.”

“Yeah, but it started all of a sudden,” said Derpy.

“That’s true of everything that happens gradually.”

“I suppose, but this is no time to be quibbling over semantics!”

Derpy had her meanest face on, and Lyra said, “I’m sorry, Derpy. I didn’t realize it was so serious to you. I figured that I could fix the spell fairly quickly.”

“And I’m sorry I yelled at you. I’m just worried, is all.”

“Come on in and I’ll get to work.”

Derpy went over to Lyra’s desk and put the transportation spell on top. Lyra looked at it, frowning, and her horn glowed with magic, but there was no visible effect. Derpy just watched, not knowing if she was going through a planned process or just trying to think of things to do.

Finally, after fifteen minutes of staring and prodding and muttering, “Well, what about this. . . “Lyra said, “Part of the connaissance module has, for lack of a better word, burned out.”

“What’s that, then?”

“It’s hard to explain. Magically speaking, your body and your consciousness are separate, which is not true in pure physics. Magic cares a lot about your consciousness, and can do some non-physical things to it. But they can also break in non-physical ways.”

“I think Dinky was talking about that at one point,” said Derpy.

“She might be able to make you understand better.”

“But can you fix it?”

Lyra thought. “I could make a new one, but that would take a while. Fixing this one would be easier if Karyn were here with you. I could do it with my human, but you have a special connection with her.”

“I’ll go bring her back at once!” Derpy picked up the spell. “It’s not going to break any more if I use it, will it?”

“Not for two trips.”

Derpy grabbed the spell back and warped to Earth. She was in the same position she remembered leaving, but immediately noticed something was wrong. She had expected to find Karyn right where she had left her, but time had clearly passed. Karyn gave a sad smile and said something in the popping language.

“But why did you move this time?”

Karyn gave a little tilt of her head, and Derpy said, “Right, you still can’t understand. Come on, Lyra’s going to help us.”

She walked over and got on all fours. Karyn gave her a gentle pat on the head, but didn’t get on her back. Derpy persisted, poking her with a wing and arching her back invitingly, but still Karyn didn’t mount. Defeated by emotion, Derpy nuzzled her neck the way she would with Dinky or some other pony she was close to, and then just looked in her eyes. Again she circled and kneeled. For a moment, she felt that there was no way they could be separated.

“Get on,” she said.

Karyn had a quizzical look, but she walked up and threw her leg over Derpy’s back. Feeling her comforting weight, she zapped them back to Lyra’s house.

“Oh, good, you got her here.”

“Yeah, but it wasn’t easy,” said Derpy. “And there’s more that I don’t get. Last week, I came to Equestria and spent a while here talking to Applejack and her cousin. When I went back to Earth, no time had passed. Just now, though, the time I spent finding you did pass on Earth. It seems very inconsistent.”

“Well, like I said, magic is very much dependent on your consciousness. Humans, who link themselves so closely to points in space-time, find continuity there. Ponies who cross the universes, either in body as you do or with spells as I do, are more able to detach themselves. So last week, it’s likely that both of you thought that you would be in and out of Equestria quickly. Today, on the other hoof, she, unable to understand you, must have concluded that you were leaving for a long time.”

“Oh, you’ve just got to fix the spell!”

Lyra put a hoof on her shoulder. “Don’t worry. We will.”

******************************************

Karyn listened as the two mares whinnied and brayed at each other. It was actually nice to listen to once she stopped trying to decipher their meaning and relaxed. She thought that she had almost understood Derpy back on Earth. She had said something like “Heth ung,” which might have been “Get on.” In any case, there she was in Equestria, and for the first time in a long time, it felt like a foreign land.

Derpy tapped her on the shoulder and led her over to a couch. Lyra sat Derpy across from her, and they were sitting just as they had for playing cards. Then she whinnied something at Derpy and gestured to Karyn. She pointed her hoof at her eyes and then at Karyn’s, then at Derpy’s. Karyn nodded. She stared at Derpy.

Lyra held up a picture of Princess Celestia and pointed at Derpy.

“Whooreenhesh Shelelwhee,” she said. Derpy repeated and pointed at Karyn.

Karyn understood that they wanted her to try. “Princess Celestia,” she said.

Lyra’s horn glowed a little, but no result was seen.

Next, Lyra pointed at her directly. “Wheelahng,” it sounded like.

“Karyn.”

More horn glowing, and then pointing at Derpy.

Karyn decided to go first this time. “Derpy Hooves.”

“Hooves?” Derpy smiled broadly. She said more, but Karyn shook her head. She pointed at herself again. “Thelwhi Hooves.”

“Hooves! Hooves!” Karyn smiled back. They hadn’t fixed anything, but apparently the word hooves was a cognate.

She sat up to give her friend a hug, but Lyra pushed her back down magically. She had a cross look on her face and pointed at the chair.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that I had to sit still for this to work. If we could talk to each other, you could have told me. Of course, if we could talk to each other, you wouldn’t have to be doing this in the first place.”

Lyra covered Karyn’s mouth with a hoof, and she realized that she was probably screwing her up even more by talking.

As they brought out more pictures of ponies she knew and had her speak the names, questions ran through her head. What did she sound like to the ponies, if they sounded like whinnies to her? And why was Lyra only giving her proper names to work on? Wouldn’t it be useful for her to learn normal words in Equestrian?

Maybe, she thought, Equestrian was like that language on Star Trek where everything involved proper names, and she would need to know the history of Equestria to communicate. Lyra and Derpy might be describing the current situation by saying “Discord and Twilight at Ponyville,” or some other reference to something messed-up.

It also irked her a little that they weren’t giving her a chance to really learn the words they were teaching her. She was only allowed to say each one once. She tried hard to repeat them in her head and understand when the same sounds came up more than once.

******************************************

“How’s it coming along?” Derpy asked.

“It’s getting there, but try not to talk outside of identifying the pictures. I’d probably be done by now if I could get her to sit still.”

Derpy obeyed, but still wished she could ask Lyra more questions. How did Karyn know her surname when every other word had been lost? And how exactly was Lyra trying to fix the spell?

As if sensing her confusion, Lyra said, “I’m trying to build a universe of phonemes that will give the spell all the information it needs to translate one into the other. If I knew every word that existed in her language, I could set it up that way, but I don’t. Instead what I’m doing is taking words where I know how they’re structured in Equestrian, and trying to see how she does it.

“And it’s tough going. Her language must be a hodgepodge of many others. Words like princess, Celestia, and Lyra all had similar derivations, but Pinkie Pie for example came out completely different. And Derpy had almost no magical profile at all.”

Derpy was grateful that she was explaining, but still confused.

After more time spent repeating words, Lyra said, “OK, I think I’m ready to try a new translation spell. If this works, I can spend next week reintegrating it into the transportation. Hold onto your wings.”

Lyra grabbed the table with her hooves and bit down. To Karyn, it looked as if she were straining on the pot. But a spherical glow came from her horn and charged the air with static. There was a sound like an explosion, or more strictly speaking like a thousand voices each mimicking an explosion.

“Did it work?” asked Derpy.

“Yes it did!” said Karyn. “Lyra, how did you fix it? I wasn’t getting anywhere trying to learn all those Equestrian words. Did Derpy learn English?”

“Don’t talk, either of you, for a few minutes.”

“Why?” said Derpy. “Is it going to fail again?”

“No, but right now I have got the worst horn-over of my life. That was a tough spell.”

Derpy helped Lyra to the couch while Karyn ran into the kitchen and asked Bon-bon to pour her a glass of water. After she had drunk it, she sat up in her awkward human-style way.

“Ugh. No, Karyn, I wasn’t trying to do it manually.” She explained again about how she was trying to get enough sounds to make a translation spell of her own. “I should have taken more time and gone through every word in the dictionary. Actually, what I should have done is to have Twilight do it for me.”

“I didn’t even know that could happen to unicorns. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be. It was a little fun. Reminds me of my old days at school when I would burn out my horn on studying all night.”

From the kitchen, a sputtering cough in Bon-bon’s voice could be heard.

“I mean, from casting party spells all night,” Lyra said sheepishly.

Karyn wondered briefly about what sort of spells one cast at a party, but she was distracted by the euphoria of being able to talk to her friend again.

“So can you explain to us what went wrong with the spell?” asked Derpy. “Was it just another one of those random spasms of magic that happen to break things?

“I hope it is,” said Lyra.

“Huh?”

“Well, that’s a better alternative than having something coming between you two that’s causing it to fail.”

Karyn was deep in thought for a moment. “Lyra, suppose someone else found out about Derpy. Would that cause a problem?”

“Why? Did someone?”

“No way,” said Derpy. “No other humans have seen me.”

“Remember that detective student from a couple of weeks ago?”

“Oh, right, but we fooled him.”

Karyn took a deep breath. “I know, but there was still the threat. And he thought he heard you. What I’m asking is if letting out the secret would break the spell.”

“Hmm. . .” Lyra thought. “Not to my knowledge. But that’s the original spell that Twilight helped with. I wouldn’t put it past her to include a few fail-safes.”

“But it’s not a fail-safe if I can’t talk to Karyn!” Derpy hovered in anger. “That’s a fail-rotten or a fail-stinks or a fail-fail-even worse!”

“It’s all right,” said Karyn. “She didn’t know it at the time. She was afraid of humans.”

“That’s right,” said Lyra. “Not all the way, but she didn’t have the same love for them that I do.”

“Maybe we can talk to her, and explain how it is, and get her to remove the safeguards. If they’re there.”

“She might not, though,” said Derpy. “You know how she is when she obsesses over something.”

“Well, then we’ll have to be extra cautious. In the meantime, now that it’s over I can look back on the experience as interesting. The language you speak is very different from mine.”

“I’ll say.”

Lyra got back on her hooves and started putting away the chairs. “Your language was very discordant. Not like the draconequus kind of discord, but not euphonious. Unpleasant to the ears.”

“I get it,” said Karyn. “And I kind of understand. In the first place, we have bigger lips and smaller teeth, so we would tend to use b’s, f’s, and p’s more and less th’s and n’s. Plus, your ears are larger and more sensitive than ours, so a mellifluous speech would be more important for ponies than for humans.”

“I think that makes sense,” said Derpy. “When the magic failed, I heard so many pops and buzzes from you that it sounded like a drum solo.”

“Just be glad I wasn’t speaking German. All the humans say that it’s the worst sounding language. I actually like hearing it, but there’s definitely a lot of throat in there.”

“Out of scientific curiosity,” said Lyra, “What does Equestrian sound like to you?”

Karyn wanted to answer her question without being insulting and comparing them to Earth horses. “It was kind of the opposite of what you heard from me. Basically no plosives at all, just a lot of tongue action. Oh, that didn’t sound right.”

They laughed.

“The other interesting thing was that written language failed too. What did that look like?”

“Well,” said Karyn, “It actually had many of the same letters, or ones that look almost like them. But I couldn’t tell if they matched. Like, what you thought was an A might be something else.”

“Interesting,” said Lyra. “Well, I’m going to write this up as a report and give it to Twilight. She’s always interested in new developments in magic.”

Derpy looked askance. “Really, Lyra? You’re usually not one for writing reports.”

“It’s true, but if we do need her to take any restrictions off of your spells, buttering her up with knowledge is always a good idea.”

“And we should be getting back to Earth.”

“Is there anything really that important there?”

“I’ll say there is,” said Derpy.

“What’s that?”

“I’ve only got two cards in my hand! I have a chance to win!”

And so Karyn and Derpy found themselves right back where they were when the trouble began, tossing out ranks of cards and hoping the other one had it.

“Some day, huh?” said Derpy.

“Yeah. Maybe I should try to learn Equestrian, in case this happens again.”

“Lyra and Twilight will make sure it doesn’t.”

Karyn reached for a card. “Even so, I’d like to. In the first place, it’s a nice sounding language. In the second, having our own secret way of communicating would be cool, and advantageous when dealing with other humans.”

“Maybe so.”

“Don’t you want to try to learn English?”

Derpy boggled. “I’ve got no head for languages. I tried to read something in old Equestrian once and it came out as ‘My cloud is laden with sea cucumbers’.”

“Yeah, I can see how that would be wrong. But come on, teach me some Equestrian. Here,” she said, holding up a face card. “What’s the word for ‘queen’?”

“It’s ‘queen’.”

“Really? The same word? Just like ‘hooves’ from before?” Then Karyn understood. “Oh, the spell’s working now! You can’t teach me Equestrian because it’ll just change it. We’ll have to get Lyra to cancel the spell.”

“You go ask her that. I’d rather not be run through with a mint-colored horn.”

Karyn sighed. Learning Derpy’s language would have to wait.

Author's Notes:

Coming attraction!

Karyn moved her chair to the side and let Derpy hover next to her.

“So what’s going on? You want to buy something nice for yourself but you can’t afford it?”

“No. Much worse.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I’m not trying to sell anypony anything.”

“No, but still had to fill out a lot of forms,” said Derpy.

“Oh, I’m sorry about that.”

“We’re friends. I’d deal with a lot more than a little writer’s cramp for you.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Come on,” said Derpy. “We’re supposed to go to Pier 33.”

“How long is it going to take us to get there?”

“It’s just down the dock, can’t take too long.”

Karyn shook her head. “I mean how long will the boat ride be?”

Be sure to read it too!

37: Attach Form Derpleyou-2

“Hey, I’ve got a question.”

“Yeah, Derpy?”

“Me coming here early on Sunday mornings, does it mess up your Saturday nights?”

Karyn turned around from her computer. “Mess up how?”

“Well, I know that Saturday is a big party day, at least it is for ponies, and I don’t want you to feel that you’ve got to be home early because of me.”

“In the first place, yes, it’s a party day here on Earth too, but I’m an IT nerd. I’m supposed to be in my dorm Saturday nights.”

Derpy paused for diplomacy. “Because you’re always in a rush to clean up whenever I get here, so I was wondering if maybe you were holding wild bashes here.”

“No, it’s just the mess that normally accumulates throughout the week. I don’t know how you do it. Every time I visit your house it’s immaculate. But why are you asking today? I didn’t have any mess this morning.” She was proud of how much of the surface of her desk could be seen.

“Um, yeah, you do.”

Karyn looked around for a spare scrap of paper or anything that could be what Derpy was indicating, and found nothing. “I don’t get it.”

Derpy pointed at the monitor. “Look at how many windows you have open! And there must be a dozen browser tabs as well. Are you reading twelve web pages at once?”

Karyn facepalmed. “That’s a mess to you too?!”

“Well, yeah. What do you call it? Organization?”

“Here’s the thing. I could hide all of this from view just by shutting off the monitor. So you’re not allowed to call it a mess.”

Derpy slapped her hooves together. “It’s the spirit of the thing. You have to strive for order in all things.”

“No, I have to strive to get rich so I can hire a cleaning lady,” Karyn muttered. “Not that that’s going to happen.”

“Are you worrying about money again? I keep telling you that you need to budget.”

“At this point it’s less about the money than what I’ve got to do about it. But forget it, let’s go do something fun.”

“No,” said Derpy. “It won’t be fun if you’re worrying about money.”

“But I won’t. I’ll forget it and stop worrying.”

“Then it won’t be fun if I’m worrying about the fact that you’re avoiding your problems.”

Karyn sighed. “I guess I can’t argue with that. But you’re not going to be able to help.”

“You let Tante Derpy see and she’ll tell you if she can help.”

“Tante? I hope the language barrier isn’t breaking again.”

Karyn moved her chair to the side and let Derpy hover next to her.

“So what’s going on? You want to buy something nice for yourself but you can’t afford it?”

“No. Much worse. It’s tax season.”

“I don’t know that one,” said Derpy. “I know winter, and summer, and autumn.”

“Well, taxes are colder than winter, burn you more than summer, and leave everything as dead as autumn.”

“Are they really that bad?”

Karyn was exasperated, and took it out on Derpy. “Do you have taxes in Equestria?”

“I. . . I know the concept!”

“Meaning of course that you don’t have them. Well, look. I only worked for two months last year, just a summer job so I could have some spending money. But I’ve still got to fill out tax forms the same as people who have full-time jobs.”

“When did you work a summer job?” asked Derpy.

“I had a lot of time when I wasn’t at the convention with you, or at the beach with you, or at the park with you. . . “

“I get it. I didn’t know you were working though.”

“It wasn’t fun. All the time I was there, waiting for Sundays with Derpy kept me going. The last thing I wanted on those Sundays was to talk about work.”

Derpy nodded and looked at the screen, and finally realized that Karyn hadn’t filled her windows with pony pictures or e-mails. The forms had a particular coldness to them that she found rather. . . un-Equestrian, and she said as much.

“I’ll say it is, and it’s really annoying. See, for the people who do have full-time jobs, they all get paid by one source, and one piece of paper tells them how much have to pay on. But for a poor college student who scrapped for every dollar of scholarship money, grants, and loans that she could, I get a new piece of paper every day in the mail that I have to add onto the total and throw out the whole form.”

“Why don’t you just wait for all the records to come and then do the form?”

Karyn gritted her teeth and tried to look crazy. “Because it’s like a worm gnawing at the back of my brain, and I really want to just get it done. Also, it’s possible that I might have money coming to me in a refund that I want to get as soon as possible.”

“If you budgeted, you’d know about whether you’d get it or not, and then you wouldn’t have to worry so.”

“I guess. Once I get this all taken care of, then I’ll get to it.”

Derpy put her hooves around Karyn’s shoulders and shook. “That’s just procrastination. If you wait for a time when all your books are clear, you’ll never get to it. I can help you with it, but maybe you don’t want me to know all about your finances?”

“Oh, Derpy, you’re a close enough friend that you can see it all. Besides, who are you going to tell? Pinkie Pie?”

So Karyn found herself giving her computer a restart after saving everything she had. Presented with a blank screen, Derpy directed her to open a new spreadsheet.

“I do all mine on paper, but I know you like the computer, so we’ll keep it there. This way you won’t lose it. And it can do the sums for you.”

Karyn sat attentive, as if she were in class.

“The first thing we need to do is write down your income. When I deliver mail, I get a base wage plus some overtime occasionally.”

“Yeah, you get income. I don’t. That’s why you can do this and I can’t.”

“That’s going to make it simpler!” said Derpy. “Once you do start earning, you’ll have the structure in place, rather than having to do it after the fact the way I did.”

“All right, but I still don’t have any income.”

“You do, it’s just seasonal. You’ll probably work again next summer, and again until you get out of college. That’s why this is going to be an annual budget. You’ll plan out everything you need over the whole year.”

Karyn waved her hands. “That’s why this won’t work! Things always come up during the year. Like these taxes”

“I know, so that’s why you’ve got to put in some wiggle room. But first list the things you know you’re going to have to do. Like your cell phone and what you pay to go to college.”

“Already I have more expenses than income.”

“But not including the tuition, and that’s going to go away in a few years. I’ll let you in on a little secret.” Derpy moved into whispering range, even though there was no one else around. “Just having this around and knowing that you’ll be writing down everything you spend is going to make you spend less. And if you’re spending less, you’ll have more money.”

“I guess. Anyway, we didn’t get any further along with filling out the forms I have to get done.”

“Next year, though, you’ll thank me. Speaking of thanking, what do you actually get for these? I mean, I’d understand if you were paying to have the sun raised and lowered, but it takes care of that itself.”

Karyn paused for thought, trying to be delicate. “There are a lot of things we get for them. Roads, bridges, police, fire departments. And a lot of people who do nothing but boss those other people around. Some folks say that the taxes are always too high, and that everything should be done as much as possible by businesses. And other people say that they only want that because they don’t want to pay. It’s a whole, complicated thing, and I like to stay out of the way.

“But just about everyone thinks that the mechanics of paying and reporting are too complicated. Except for the people who work figuring it out.”

“So it’s one of those weird Earth things,” said Derpy.

“Yeah. But who takes care of all that in Equestria? Who pays for the royal guard? Who pays Mayor Mare to do whatever she does?”

“Princess Celestia does, of course, out of the royal treasury. Although, I think we’d be most like your folks who say that things should be done by businesses. Every time a mayor or somepony in authority wants to try to take on a project, Celestia finds somepony else who wants to do it as a business.”

“But where does she get the money?” asked Karyn.

“I’m not sure. Dinky might know.”

Karyn decided to take advantage of the change in subject and saved the spreadsheet, which she followed by closing all her open programs. “Anyway,” she said, “I think that, despite my complaining, we have a good system. We don’t have to worry if we lose our jobs or get sick.”

“Neither do ponies.”

“It’s different. You have friendship. If you don’t have that, you have no safety net to catch you.”

Derpy turned away from Karyn and looked out the window. “It’s like the mules.”

“Beg pardon?”

“You know that we have mules that talk just like ponies, right?”

Karyn thought back. “Oh, yeah. Like that baker, Mulia Mild.”

“Right. There’s a whole land of them, across the sea from Equestria. They have a system very much like yours. They pay a lot to their government, and it takes care of them when any mule has problems.”

“Really? And does it work out for them?”

“As far as I know,” said Derpy. “I’ve never been there. But since we’re putting everything away, let’s go out and get some sunshine. That’s free, at least.”

The girls put on their coats and left the dorm. The air was cold, but the sun beat down on them. Walking along a path by the quad, Karyn thought of more.

“Knowing the weather is another thing that the government takes care of for us. Obviously you don’t need that, because you can change it on your own. Maybe that’s the same way with the mules. Do they have any pegasus mules?”

“I don’t think so.”

“So they might need to predict it the way we do,” said Karyn. “I wish we could go see them. I think it might do you good, to see how a different culture lives.”

“That’s what I’m doing here.”

Karyn hadn’t thought of that. “I’m saying different from both of us. That we could compare with our own and maybe learn something about ourselves. It’s one of the problems with only one intelligent species on Earth. Humans don’t have anything to compare ourselves to, so we can’t really know if we’re doing well or not. Maybe everyone who doesn’t have magic and weather control has the same problems we do.”

Derpy was intrigued despite herself. She finally managed to steer the conversation away from heavy subjects and into pleasantries throughout the rest of the day. But thoughts gnawed at her then and throughout the week. When she returned the next Sunday, she told Karyn that they had an opportunity.

“Apparently there isn’t a whole lot of mail between Equestria and Muland.”

“Muland? Oh, you mean the land where the mules live.”

“Exactly. But when I wandered into a different section of the post office by mistake—“ Derpy was a little embarrassed that she could still get lost in a job she had been in for so long—“I found a bunch of mail that had collected for the mules, and for ponies living in Muland. I mentioned it to Mr. Mintsugar, and he said that he always had trouble finding ponies to take the mail, and since the Mulish postal service always came and got it eventually, it wasn’t that big a concern. But it still has to be delivered, and if somepony wanted to volunteer, then she could go to the land of the Mules and the post office would pay for it. So, if you want to go, we can go.”

Karyn thought this rather coincidental, and wondered if Derpy weren’t embellishing the story to make it more like happenstance. She might have asked to go. But Karyn was genuinely interested in the Mule society, since it was something that had never been mentioned in the show.

“What day would we go?”

“Friday.”

“Wow, five more days?” said Karyn. “I guess those mules really don’t mind waiting for their mail.”

“Well, like I said, some of it was months old.”

“Yeah. Humans would be up in arms if mail took that long. Well, they would now. A long time ago, maybe not. So we’ll go. What do we need to do to prepare?”

Derpy read off a list. “I’ve already contacted the Mulish embassy in Equestria for all the permissions and things we need. They didn’t have any precedent for a human coming, of course, so it was kind of a hassle.”

“Why’s that?”

“Well, like I said, they have a lot more mules who watch over things. So they don’t want undesirables there. Like, remember that Iron Will guy? He would never have been allowed to run his seminars in Muland.”

Karyn glowered. “Really? That doesn’t sound fair. All he’s doing is talking.”

“That’s allowed, but he collects money for it. So it would have to be checked out by a mule who already knows about seminars to make sure that he was giving good advice.”

“All right, but that doesn’t apply to me. I’m not trying to sell anypony anything.”

“No, but still had to fill out a lot of forms,” said Derpy.

“Oh, I’m sorry about that.”

“We’re friends. I’d deal with a lot more than a little writer’s cramp for you.”

Karyn was grateful, then thought of something. “Wait, writer’s cramp?”

“Yeah.” She opened her jaw wide “See? Back here in the mouth? It’s a little red.”

“Well, I wouldn’t want to make you have to go through all that for nothing. So how do we get to Muland?”

Derpy transported them to Equestria. Karyn stayed at Derpy’s house for a little while as Derpy went to the post office to get the mail that had to be taken with them. Resplendent in her uniform, she led Karyn to the train station.

It was a fast express, and Karyn barely had time to notice the journey as the scenery sped by. Soon enough they were at a dock on the far western shore of Equestria.

Karyn reflected that very little of the shore and the ocean had been talked about on Friendship is Magic, and that most ponies didn’t care for boats and the water. Still, ponies of all stripes worked on the dock, tying up the boats and tending to them.

“Come on,” said Derpy. “We’re supposed to go to Pier 33.”

“How long is it going to take us to get there?”

“It’s just down the dock, can’t take too long.”

Karyn shook her head. “I mean how long will the boat ride be?”

“Oh. Probably a couple of hours.”

The salt air was blowing in and Karyn was worried about what it would do to her hair. They approached the pier and found the boat they were going to take. It was somewhat sizeable. Karyn estimated it to be about fifty feet, but it had clearly seen many trips back and forth.

Derpy put down her bag and looked around. Nopony else seemed to be around, and she was wondering if they were supposed to board the boat or wait.

She took off and circled the boat once. She was about to light on the deck when a cough came from the edge of the pier.

Karyn and Derpy could be excused for missing him as he sat next to a pylon. He blended in almost perfectly with the wood of the dock, and he hadn’t moved since their arrival other than to bring a cup of coffee to his lips. Stretching his muscles and cracking his bones, he turned and got to his hooves, and Karyn saw her first mule.

“Name’s Stubby.” His voice had a hard edge to it.

“Hi! I’m Derpy and this is Karyn.”

“You have your customs form?”

Derpy rooted around in her bag until she found the paper. He spent a long time going over it, then eyed Karyn. She was a little nervous being looked at, even though she wasn’t worried about any prurient interest on Stubby’s part.

Eventually he stopped and walked onto the gangway. Derpy gave a wing-assisted hop onto the boat, Karyn following on foot.

“Life jackets,” Stubby said, pointing at a box.

“Um, I don’t think that sinking is a problem for me,” said Derpy, spreading her wings.

“Everypony’s got to know where the life jackets are and how to use them.”

“But I can fly.”

“Regulations don’t say anything about exceptions for pegasi.”

Derpy sighed and paid attention as Stubby put the jacket on for demonstration. He then went over to the harbormaster who initialed another piece of paper, and then they were on their way.

“Hey, Derpy?” said Karyn. “How’s the boat powered? Is there a motor or is it magic?”

“I don’t think either. Mules sometimes don’t trust magic that’s applied directly, but they made some channels in the ocean that go back and forth from Equestria to Muland just on the current.”

As they sat near the back of the boat, Stubby was suddenly a burst of activity, casting off the lines that held the boat to the dock and tying them up for storage. He put his forehooves on the center of the stern and gave a mighty kick to the pylon on the dock. Karyn was unprepared for this method of launch and had to regain her balance. The boat quickly reached top speed and Stubby raced for the wheel to steer it where it needed to go.

There were a series of red buoys that he aimed for, and once they passed the first one, Karyn could see a distinct current pulling them along. Off to the left a fair distance, there were blue buoys, and although there were no boats in the channel, it looked like the water was flowing the other way, back toward Equestria.

“Are you sure this isn’t magic?” Karyn whispered to Derpy.

All at once Stubby’s personality changed. He gave a loud belly-laugh. “No, miss, no magic involved. A pack of mules came by in a boat powered by some of them swimming behind, while others ran a dredge along the bottom that dug a deeper channel as they went, so that the water would flow downhill. They have to come by again every year or so and re-dig it, but it puts some mules to work.

“Can I get you ladies anything? A drink?”

They refused, but Derpy said thank you for the offer and mentioned how nice he had become.

“The sea is my element,” he said. “On the land, it’s all requisitions and paperwork, plus heavy lifting if I’m doing a cargo run. But when we’re on the water, All I have to do is kick back and make sure we don’t drift too far. What more could any mule ask for?”

With Stubby at the helm and the current carrying them along, Karyn and Derpy moved to the fore of the boat and relaxed. Karyn had been on the water on Earth, but to be drifting along without the noise of motors and the smell of burning oil gave her a new appreciation. All she could hear was the ripple of the water and the call of the terns.

Derpy became a little more restless and flapped her wings here and there.

“Are you getting seasick, miss?” asked Stubby.

“I hope not. It gets better if I’m off the boat.”

“Because you look a little dizzy.”

“No, she always looks like that,” said Karyn, slightly offended.

“Makes no difference to me. I’ve seen ponies whose eyes have done full three-sixty rolls on the boat. You’re actually holding up fairly well.”

He made an adjustment at the wheel, and the boat seemed to move more evenly. Derpy took deep breaths and steadied herself.

“So, how much of a rush are you two ladies to get to Muland?” Stubby asked.

“Well, it is kind of our destination,” said Karyn. “Why? What did you have in mind?”

“Well, when I’m only hauling cargo, a lot of times I’ll anchor in a little cutout just off the channel and throw my fishing rod in the water for an hour or so.”

“That would be against my code as a postal employee,” said Derpy. “But on the other hoof, it sounds like a lot of fun.”

“But Derpy,” said Karyn, “what are you guys going to fish for? You don’t eat fish.”

“Ooh, that’s a good point. I guess there’s plankton, though. And seaweed! I like seaweed.”

“Well, so do I, but I don’t go fishing for it.”

Stubby held up a hoof. “Ladies, I think you’ve misunderstood. I said I throw my rod in the water for a while. I don’t bring it up. Everyone knows that the point of fishing is to relax, take in some sun, and have a few drinks. Maybe a sandwich as well.”

Derpy and Karyn looked at each other. “Sounds like our kind of activity!”

He turned the wheel and the boat left the channel. Miles from anypony, they sat and watched the line, bobbing playfully. The rest of the journey was to come, but for now they were content.

To be continued.

Author's Notes:

But not without a preview!

"Well, we’d better get going if you’re going to see as much as possible!”

Derpy stepped up. “Actually, the first thing we need to do is get to the post office so I can deliver the mail from Equestria.”

“Are you here for that too?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I guess that I have a different way of thinking too.”

The mule returned with a small sack of mail and a large stack of paper. “Sign here, please, miss, and here, here, initial here, and confirm the weight and the number.”

Derpy gritted her teeth as she complied. “Very different,” she said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"It might make a lot of sense, but Celestia’s the only one who could do it, I think.”

“It’s probably more complicated than that, but if you really want to know, I can ask her to make some time to talk to you.”

“No, but thanks. Let’s not bother the princess.”

See you all next week!

38: Derpy in a Strange Land

The boat rocked lazily in the water. Derpy had flown up high and used her mental map trick, and found that they were indeed alone. With all three occupants attending a pole (“You have to have a pole,” Stubby had said. “Otherwise it’s not fishing, just skiving off work.”), they had lounged and chatted, with the only interruption being a fish that had gone for Derpy’s pole, even though it was not baited.

“Shoo, go away! We don’t want to eat you,” she had said.

Karyn had actually fallen asleep, that first stage of sleep where you can still hear things that are said, and only came around when Stubby, by some instinct of the clock, said that it was time to go.

He lifted the anchor, and Karyn asked, “So how do we get back into the channel?”

“Well, we could wait and let the drift take us back, which it would eventually. More often I’ll just hop in and give a few swimming kicks and then jump back in the boat once I’ve got it going in the right direction. I’m willing to do that; I like the water. But since we do have a means of propulsion here that doesn’t involve getting wet, I wonder if Miss Derpy wouldn’t do us a favor and push us back from the air.”

Happy to be of some use, Derpy went behind the stern and put her hooves on the transom. Pumping her wings, she enjoyed the feel of force without motion. Slowly the boat accelerated back toward the buoys.

“How’s that?” she asked.

“Fine enough,” said Stubby.

They rode the current for another hour or so before they found themselves in another harbor. Stubby was again all business, spending the boat’s momentum just enough to have them bump gently into a slip.

On the dock was another mule dressed in a short vest with a high laced collar. “Welcome to Muland!” she said, mostly ignoring Stubby. He helped Karyn off the boat and brought out more paperwork.

“Water conveyance, registration number 86549 reports delivery of passengers,” he said, again in his bored voice.

“Yes, and thank you.”

“Ma’am, I need your stamp.”

“Yes, I suppose you don’t want to get in trouble.” She made a mark on the top page with her hoof, then turned to Karyn and Derpy. “My name is Myrtle. You must be the pegasus pony and the human pony!”

“No, she’s not any kind of pony,” said Derpy.

“How nice. Well, I’ve been assigned by the Ministry of Tourism to help make your stay here in Muland as pleasant and informative as possible.”

“We appreciate it,” said Karyn. “Derpy tells me that your society is particularly adept at taking care of mules who need help, and I want to show her how important that is.”

“Well, rather than that,” said Myrtle, “we’re proud of all the things we mules have built. You know we’re very hard workers! We have museums and theaters and a new stadium where all the mules who can make it go to hear speeches and lectures.”

“That sounds nice, although we’re only here for a day trip.”

“Is that right?” Myrtle searched through her stack of paper. “Oh, yes, that’s the limit of your visa. Well, we’d better get going if you’re going to see as much as possible!”

Derpy stepped up. “Actually, the first thing we need to do is get to the post office so I can deliver the mail from Equestria.”

“Are you here for that too? Well, then I’ll just have to adjust my map. Hold on, one second.” She shuffled some papers until she found one with a route laid out. With a red marker in her mouth, she marked the post office and then set about crossing and re-drawing the route, muttering all the while. “Let’s see, if we take Muleholland Drive, we can cut past the roundabout. . . “

“Um, miss,” said Derpy. “what if we just went to the office and then decided where to go from there?”

“Hang on, this won’t take but a moment.” Myrtle kept tracing and finally said, “There! Now we have an ideal course to take. Follow me, please.”

Karyn and Derpy shrugged and trundled after the mule.

At the post office, there was the exchange of signatures that, as Karyn realized, seemed to accompany every meeting in Muland. Derpy was made to sign several forms of her own before a mule would even open the bag she had brought, then they insisted on double-checking the number that was on the seal holding the bag closed.

“Just out of curiosity,” Derpy said, “what would happen if the numbers were different?”

“Why?” said Myrtle. “Did you change them?”

“No,” Derpy said defensively. “I’m just wondering if you would send me all the way back to Equestria if the numbers were wrong.”

“Oh, we couldn’t do that!” the mule behind the desk said. “It’s against regulations. Every mule has to get their mail as soon as possible.”

“So even if the numbers were wrong, you’d take it for delivery?”

“We can’t do that, the numbers have to match. That’s according to regulations.”

“Is your business complete?” asked Myrtle.

“Hmm. Karyn, do you think I should pick up the return mail now and lug it around all day, or come back again before we leave?”

“Oh, mail to go to Equestria isn’t here. You have to go to a completely different desk for that.”

“Well, at least your dilemma is solved,” said Karyn.

Derpy sighed, and they both followed Myrtle back out onto the road.

“Well,” Myrtle said, consulting her map again, “it looks like what was to have been our piece de resistance is going to be our first stop: the new stadium!”

Neither Karyn nor Derpy had a particularly good sense of direction while traveling by road, and as such had trouble picturing where they were from all the turns and crossings that Myrtle led them on. The streets were full, but unlike Canterlot, there was no shopping on the street or outside dining. Karyn remarked on it.

“It wouldn’t do to have mules eating outside,” said Myrtle. “Food could get on the ground, it would be unsanitary. All of that takes place indoors, where it’s the restaurateur’s responsibility.”

They reached the arena on an open block. It looked a little like the Roman Colosseum, but it was made of a drab grayish brown stone.

“This is new?” said Derpy.

“Yes!” said Myrtle. “Only a few years old. Mind you, we copied it from the old one, mostly.”

“You did? What’s the difference?”

“Well, in the old one, the top deck was cantilevered over the lower. The mules in charge decided that was unsafe.”

“So it could have fallen down and hurt mules,” said Karyn.

“No, it was sturdy enough. We would never build something that could collapse. But this one is even safer.”

“Doesn’t that mean that everyone sitting on the top deck is now farther from the center?” asked Derpy.

“Yes,” said Myrtle, “but safety first!”

Derpy rolled her eyes, but Karyn said, “Don’t you have a lot of problems with structural collapse in Equestria?”

“Sometimes, but we always have ponies to watch out for others if they come down. Anyway, let’s go inside and see the speech or lecture or whatever.”

“Oh, there’s no event today,” said Myrtle. “It’s a shame you’re not staying longer though.”

Derpy looked as if she wanted to facehoof, but decided it would be impolite.

“Would it be possible,” asked Karyn, “to see where some ponies who have come to Muland live? I want Derpy to see how well Muland takes care of the ones who have come here.”

“Well, it’s not on our schedule, and I’m not certain that it’s exactly permitted.”
Karyn thought she was getting used to Myrtle’s way of thinking. “Is it exactly forbidden?”

“Well, no—“

“Great! Where are they?”

Myrtle grimaced, but she led them to a different section of town. Derpy pointed out that there were no impressive structures like Canterlot Castle, or even any large patch of land like Sweet Apple Acres. The residences they went to reminded Karyn of Native American longhouses, and as they entered, they saw many mules gathered around a fire in the center of the house and a few others on the side sharing a meal. Outside, a farm was being tilled by a line of mules, each one pulling a plow down one row.

They went in. A unicorn stallion was part of the group eating together, and Myrtle escorted Karyn and Derpy over. “Good afternoon, Jerry,” she said.

“Jerry?” Karyn whispered. “Doesn’t sound much like a pony name.”

“Ladies, this is Jerry Built, who came here from Equestria, how many years ago now?”

“Five, maybe six. I didn’t count.”

“Very nice to meet you, Mr. Built,” said Derpy. “I just brought a sack of mail from Equestria, so if you have anypony who’s written to you, you might see that soon.”

“Yeah, well, that’s not too likely.”

Something about Jerry’s demeanor made Karyn uncomfortable. “Do you not have any friends back there that you want to write to? We’ll be taking mail back as well, and if you have anything to send, we’ll wait and bring it with us.”

“No, nopony wants to get a letter from a unicorn who can’t do magic.”

Karyn looked at Derpy, wondering if she’d ever heard of such a thing, but she could tell that she was stunned as well.

“It doesn’t happen often,” said Jerry, “but there are diseases that can take a unicorn’s magic away. I got one, and there was nopony in Equestria who would help. I didn’t know how to do my old job without my horn, but here in Muland they took me in and give me food. I help out here by pulling with the rest of the mules, but sometimes I wish I could go back to the way it was.”

Myrtle hustled them out fairly quickly. “See, Derpy? That poor unicorn had to come here because he wasn’t able to make it in Equestria. You hide how life is for the worst.”

“Hey, I don’t hide anything.”

“You’re right, I didn’t mean you personally. But I would like to speak to Celestia about things like that.”

Derpy thought for a while. “Myrtle, how many ponies live in Muland, anyway?”

“Not very many. Perhaps a hundred.”

“I think that’s why. Nopony’s ever made a society where everyone is happy and fits in. I think sometimes you picture us as perfect, but we’re not. Neither is Muland. But what I like is that we welcome mules and they welcome ponies.”

“But which mules do you welcome?” asked Karyn. “The best and the brightest, like Mulia, a top chef. And which ponies come here? The ones who need the most help. So Equestria is really taking advantage of Muland.”

Derpy was uncomfortable with the topic, but Myrtle stepped up. “No, Miss Karyn. We love having Equestria to take in those ponies who don’t want to be part of our land. What you called the best among us are often the most greedy, who would spread discontentment and disharmony if they stayed. Taking in a few ponies is a small price to pay.”

“Thank you,” said Derpy. But Myrtle wasn’t finished.

“It’s not as if we’re taking in folk from Gryphonia, after all.”

“There’s a griffin land too?” said Karyn. “Oh, I mean, of course there is, but I wasn’t thinking about it. What’s it like?”

“It’s virtually the opposite of Muland. There are a few griffins that own everything and an awful lot that have to scratch out a living. It’s not pleasant there at all.”

Karyn gave Derpy a look of, “See, I’m right.”

Derpy said, “What about the successful mules that do stay here? Can we see some of them?”

“I’d like nothing better!” said Myrtle.

She pranced with a lighter step and the others following. They doubled back past the stadium and the business district, back close to where the post office was. Myrtle seemed to know all the twists and turns, and led them through an alley to what looked just liked the home where Jerry lived.

“Is there a mule that owns this one all for himself?” asked Derpy.

“Certainly not,” Myrtle answered. “But you asked to see the successful mules. The ones who farm the most land or help build the most or do the best job at their work all live in this section of town.”

“What’s the advantage, though?”

“The advantage? Well, if a mule produces more, we all benefit.”

Derpy tried to phrase her question again, but she didn’t want to be too antagonistic. She was a guest in another land after all. Instead, she said to Karyn, “Can we get the mail and go? There’s not a whole lot more that I want to see here.”

“All right. I can tell that you’re not having the best time.”

They told Myrtle, who was a little miffed that her schedule was going by the wayside, but was happy to have the rest of the day off. She escorted them back to the office, where they bade her good-bye.

As they waited for the mule to go find the mail to go back, Derpy and Karyn had their first real moment of privacy in Muland. “I really don’t get how any of this works,” said Derpy. “I can’t believe that any mules would work hard knowing that they’re going to get the same reward. I try to do the best I can on my mail route so I can get more money and better routes, and to improve my relationship with the ponies there. I wouldn’t do that here.”

“But you’re not here,” said Karyn. “The mules have a different way of thinking. They do work hard, just because they can. What I don’t get is how Equestria works. Think of all the so-called Canterlot elite. They’re really just snobs. They look down on you as a simple mailmare, while they live decadent lives with jewels and fashions. Doesn’t that make you mad?”

“No. What other ponies think doesn’t bother me, unless they’re my friends. But I guess that I have a different way of thinking too.”

The mule returned with a small sack of mail and a large stack of paper. “Sign here, please, miss, and here, here, initial here, and confirm the weight and the number.”

Derpy gritted her teeth as she complied. “Very different,” she said.

Their mood lightened as they made their way back to the docks and found Stubby waiting for them on the boat. Derpy tried to fly out to meet him.

“Sorry, ladies, but I can’t let you on right now. This vessel is currently under inspection for safety and health concerns, and as such only authorized personnel are allowed. I can’t be held liable for your welfare.”

Karyn kept her distance, but Derpy hovered over anyway. “Oh, forget those stinky regulations, Stubby, it’s us!”

“Rules are rules. I can’t let you on.”

Derpy huffed and flew back to the dock. “He’s so much nicer when we’re on the water.”

“I wonder,” said Karyn.

“What’s that?”

“A long time ago, back when I was in middle school, they showed us a series about a boat for science class. I remember a line the captain said when they were talking about seasickness. ‘I only get sick on land,’ he said. Maybe Stubby is the same, and his stomach bothers him when he’s not on the boat.”

In his slow, plodding way, Stubby seemed to almost take apart the boat and put it back together, checking every bolt and screw and board, sometimes stepping off to find another mule to confirm and sign off on his work.

One time when he was absent, Derpy draped a wing on the boat. Karyn gave her a light slap. “What are you doing? You want to get Stubby in trouble?” Derpy stuck out her tongue.

Finally he let them on board and Derpy stuck out her tongue.

Finally he let them on board and kicked off into the red-buoyed channel that would take them back to Equestria. “I appreciate your patience,” he said.

“Stubby,” said Derpy, “do you have to go through that every time you launch?”

“I have to go through something every time I launch, and there are some inspections that are weekly, or monthly, or annually.”

She took a deep breath and readied her next question. “Why don’t you move to Equestria? You’re smart and nice and there’s plenty of places where a boat captain can earn a good living. And the only one you’d have to answer to for making your boat safe would be you.”

Stubby smiled at her. “I appreciate the offer, Derpy but I’d never turn my back on Muland. I was born there, and even though I love the sea, I always return there. If I couldn’t, then these trips would feel more like being adrift. I guess it’s hard to explain, and I’m no speech-maker. I’ll never be in the new stadium, except as a listener. But that’s what a good mule does, and I’m a good mule.”

Derpy didn’t ask again, and the rest of the boat ride was uneventful, at least until they reached the dock and Karyn saw a familiar blue horn.

“Dinky!” she called.

“Karyn! Great to see you again. You and my bad, bad mommy. Why didn’t you tell me that you were going to the mules’ country? I would have wanted to come with you. As a student in Princess Celestia’s school, I’m supposed to evince curiosity in all things around the world.”

“I’m sorry, dear,” said Derpy. “I didn’t know that mandate. If I had gone to the Gifted Unicorn school myself, I might have, but two things kept me out.”

“No, only one,” said Karyn. “You’re not a unicorn.”

Derpy accepted the compliment with a blush.

“Anyway, I came to keep you company on the train back to Canterlot, and on the way you can tell me all about Muland,” said Dinky.

Once on board, they recounted their trip and everything they had said to each other. As Karyn reached the part where they met Jerry, Derpy asked a question.

“Hey, what is it exactly that can make unicorns lose their magic? I want to make sure you don’t get that disease.”

Dinky looked at her hooves. “It’s not something we like to talk about with others. And it’s not really a disease. Let’s just say that there are things you’re not supposed to do with magic, and that if you do, you can burn out your horn. You’ve got to be pretty messed up to do it, though.”

Derpy and Karyn shuddered at the prospect. They finished their travelogue.

“So what do you think, Dinky?” said Karyn. “Is Equestria right? Or is it the mules?”

Dinky took a long time to answer. “Different people, be they humans, mules, or ponies, can want different things. And when they do, that means they look at the world differently. Some want to know that they’re in control. Others want to know that there’s some certainty in an uncertain world. Both Princess Celestia and the mules who rule their land democratically are wise because they know that the other position has merit to the ones who believe it. I live in Equestria, because I believe in it. Some ponies live here because they were born here. It doesn’t matter where you live or why, so long as you have harmony with those who are different.”

“Karyn,” said Derpy. “I’m sorry that I argued with you in Muland. And I’ll help you do your -taxes, even if I don’t understand them.” Then she looked at Dinky. “And how did you get so smart?”

Karyn hugged Derpy. “No, I’m sorry that I badmouthed your country. I was very shortsighted.”

Dinky was confused, but she liked seeing her mother and friend getting along.

“Oh, we had another question,” said Derpy. “How does Princess Celestia pay the ponies who work for her if she doesn’t take any money from other ponies?”

“Hmm. I think this is how it works. She adds up all the money that everypony makes over the year. Like, if a pony buys some apples for one bit and makes an apple pie and sells it for two bits, then they’ve made one bit. But if they just eat the apples themselves then they’ve lost one bit. Anyway, once she’s got that, she makes that many bits in gold and uses them to pay for everything.”

Karyn stood up. “But that doesn’t make any sense. . . actually, it might make a lot of sense, but Celestia’s the only one who could do it, I think.”

“It’s probably more complicated than that, but if you really want to know, I can ask her to make some time to talk to you.”

“No, but thanks. Let’s not bother the princess.”

Derpy yawned and stretched her wings. “Do you want us to accompany you back to your school, Dinky?”

“That’s all right. You should get home, and I’m sure that Karyn needs to be getting back as well.”

They hugged their good-byes, and Karyn and Derpy rode the final stop back to Ponyville.

Derpy got her spell ready. “So, like I said, I’m ready to help you with your taxes and not complain about them.”

“Actually, I think I do want you to teach me more about that budget.”

Derpy smiled, just a little bit proud.

Author's Notes:

Here's your preview for next week:

Karyn put on a coat and hat while Derpy went invisible. “Are you going to be all right? It’s pretty cold out there.”

“No worries. I go out in winter all the time. Furry coat.”

“So cute it blows my mind.”

"Huh?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hi, Daddy!” said Karyn.

“Hi, Pumpkin. What’s going on? Everything all right at school?”

They made small talk for a minute, then Karyn brought up the subject. “So, I was hoping you could help me out with something.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Come on, keep pumping those wings.” Karyn tried to be more encouraging than reproachful. Nopony likes hearing that they have a lot of work ahead of them, she thought. “As soon as we get back we’ll have lunch.”

“In that case, I’ll go extra fast!”

I hope you enjoy it!

39: Derpet and Exercise

Karyn left early for the school cafeteria and picked up her customary Sunday breakfast for two. The workers were friendly and teased her about having a secret boyfriend, and questioning if that broke school rules. She always responded, “I eat very little the rest of the week, so I need to build my energy now.”

She carried two Styrofoam trays filled with pancakes and condiments back to her dorm. When she opened the door, Derpy was in the process of appearing.

“Perfect timing,” she said.

“Yes, I’m just getting back.”

“And the food will be the hottest I could eat it. Unless I went invisible and came with you. But that would be a silly risk for a few degrees of heat.”

Karyn set up her card table and placed plastic knives, forks, and napkins. She even found a vase with a single flower in it. “There. That makes it look a little more formal.”

“I guess, but let’s eat!”

Derpy slathered two packs of butter over her pancakes and watched it melt. Karyn just enjoyed watching her use the utensils with her hooves. Tearing open the syrup packs with her teeth, Derpy held them high above and put her head down, watching it drizzle all over. Then she picked up her knife and fork and cut a large chunk.

“Hungry much?” asked Karyn.

“Ravenous.”

Karyn paced herself and enjoyed the cakes, which were very thick and made with buttermilk. They stuck to her ribs and made her very full very soon. Derpy by contrast ate with reckless abandon, finishing quickly and sitting back with a satisfied pat of her belly.

Since Derpy was done, Karyn decided to put down her own fork and digest. They kept their conversation going, and Derpy kept eyeing Karyn’s plate. Finally she could take it no more. “Go ahead and finish mine,” Karyn said. “I can tell you want to.”

“Are you sure? Really? I wouldn’t want to put you out well all right then thanks.” Derpy slid Karyn’s plate over and finished the second stack.

“Ready to hit the town?”

“You bet. Anything fun going on?”

“Nothing specific that I saw,” said Karyn. “But we’ll go and check out the main drag and maybe do some shopping.”

“Sounds good!”

Karyn put on a coat and hat while Derpy went invisible. “Are you going to be all right? It’s pretty cold out there.”

“No worries. I go out in winter all the time. Furry coat.”

“So cute it blows my mind.”

“Huh?” Derpy had her confused face on.

“Never mind.”

They made their way outside. Patches of snow on the ground made everything bright in the mid-morning sun. As they reached the town, they saw workers dragging ladders out of trucks.

“What’s going on?” asked Derpy.

“Don’t know. Oh, I see. They’re taking down the last of the holiday decorations. All the trees and things probably came down right after New Year’s, but a few wreaths and garlands and lights are still there.”

They had already cleared some of the wires, and the two girls watched the work. Karyn explained a little about power lines, although she was no expert.

“Probably they obscure the landscape,” she said, “but I remember lying in the back seat of my dad’s car sometimes, just watching them dip and arc from pole to pole. It’s kind of hypnotic when you’re moving and they’re still.”

“What are those?”

“Where? I can’t see where you’re pointing.”

Derpy tried to phrase it without visuals. “Third line down, about halfway across.”

Karyn looked and saw a sight that, while not an everyday occurance, was familiar to her. “Yeah, sometimes you get people throwing shoes up there. For pranks mostly. Steal some poor soul’s sneakers and tie the laces together, then toss them straight up and let the momentum wrap them around the lines. Rather childish.”

“I’m going to take them down.”

“Be careful. I know that birds can touch power lines because they’re not connected to the ground, but you never know when something can go wrong. And try not to be seen.”

Derpy took a deep breath. “If I do it fast enough it’ll just look like a favorable gust of wind. Be prepared to catch them.”

Karyn stood to the side and tried to look nonchalant. Out of the corner of her eye she saw one shoe flip over the wire and land with a shorter string than before. Just like untying the twist-tie of a loaf of bread, she thought. You always pick the wrong direction first. The shoe flipped the other way and then again. One more time and they were free, descending fast toward her. She took them in hand and looked around. No one had noticed anything out of the ordinary.

“Nice work”

“Yeah, I” Derpy huffed and puffed as she spoke. “I got them. I was completely the wind.”

“Mmhm. Hey, Derpy. Can we head back for a minute? There’s something I want to see back in the dorm.”

“Sure. . . Karyn.” She was still out of breath. “It’d be. . . nice.”

They returned the way they came, Karyn taking the time to deposit the shoes into a clothing donation bin that sat in a diner parking lot. Once back in the room, Derpy threw off her invisibility and collapsed backward on the bed. “Whew. Maybe it is a little cold out there.”

“Mmhm,” Karyn said skeptically. She rummaged in her closet, finding a box that she had playfully labeled “Secret Derpy Stuff.” Digging through it, she quickly came up with a small white square.

“What have you got there?”

“Do me a favor, Derpy? Go stand against that wall.” Karyn pointed to one end. “This was the picture I took of you when we were playing with my camera a while back. I want to do a before-and-after.”

“What for? I haven’t changed.”

“I think you have. Oh, yeah. Derpy, you’ve put on a lot of weight.”

Derpy snorted. “I have not!”

“Look at the picture and then look between your hooves.”

“Give me that.” Derpy snatched it out of Karyn’s hands and looked. She was standing against the same wall, and could see a foot or two of wall beneath her. Trotting back over, she tried to measure from the bottom of her belly to the floor.

Karyn rolled her eyes. “Trust me, your belly has grown. Small wonder, I’d say. You took seconds at that Apple Family reunion, and—“

“It wasn’t a true reunion, just a get-together.”

“Don’t change the subject. And you’re always finishing my meals. You have a problem, Derpy.”

“I do not!” said Derpy, stomping her hoof. But beneath her, she felt her belly jiggling. How did she not notice before? “Well, maybe I’ve gained, but I’m not a young filly. Everypony puts on a few pounds at my age.”

“Ponyfeathers!” said Karyn. Derpy spread her wings and looked at them. “No, I mean that you’re trying to cover up the fact that you have a problem. I’m serious, Derpy.”

“I don’t see—“

“And I’ll bet that’s the reason you’ve been having insomnia lately. I mean, look. I don’t know anything about pony anatomy. Maybe you can weigh as much as you like and have no ill effects. Maybe unicorns have a spell that can zap you to the perfect weight without any effort. Maybe there’s no such thing for you as heart attacks and arthritis. All I know is that you’ve changed, and for the worse.”

Derpy scowled and wanted to argue some more, but she saw how worried Karyn was, and the image of the picture versus her own figure was stuck in her head. “I guess I have. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize. All you have to do is work to correct it. There’s a human saying that the first step to solving a problem is admitting that you have one.”

“I would think that the first step would be to do something counter to what the problem is.”

Karyn nodded her head. “Well, it’s a weird expression. Anyway, you’ll try to lose weight?”

“I’d like to, but how do I do it? I’m not a mare of willpower. Have you ever had to diet?”

“Not personally. A side benefit of being a vegetarian in the human world. Oh! But my father has. He lost about fifty pounds. I should call him and ask him for tips.”

“Would you?” said Derpy, beaming. “I really don’t want to do this on my own.”

“It’s no problem. But my father is very much into video chatting, so you’ll have to stay out of the way.”

“You got it! How’s this?” Derpy slipped to the side of Karyn’s desk and sat unmoving.

“It’s fine, but don’t stare at me like that. You’ll make me laugh.”

Karyn got on the computer and looked to see if her father was online. She texted him to call her with the chat, and a moment later her speakers gave a beep. From Derpy’s perspective she couldn’t see his face, nor could she remember what he looked like.

“Hi, Daddy!” said Karyn.

“Hi, Pumpkin. What’s going on? Everything all right at school?”

They made small talk for a minute, then Karyn brought up the subject. “So, I was hoping you could help me out with something.”

“Shoot.”

“Well, I have a friend, and she needs to lose weight. I told her how successful you were, and maybe you could let me know how you did it.”

Derpy didn’t hear Karyn’s father respond immediately, and she wondered if the connection hadn’t been lost, but then he said, “Wait, I get it. This is really about you, isn’t it? Pumpkin, you don’t need to lose weight. If anything, you’re too thin as is.”

Karyn rolled her eyes. “Dad! I’m not asking for me.”

“Prove it. Let me see you eat something right now.”

“I don’t have any food around the dorm at the moment—“

“Aha!” her father said.

“But I’ll call you back at dinner and you can watch me eat if that’ll make you happy.”

“Well, all right, but you’d better not forget.”

Exasperated, Karyn said, “Now do you have any advice for my friend or not?”

“I kept a notebook with all the little motivational ideas I had when I was on my diet. But I’m not sure where it is. I’ll get back to you when you call me later.”

“Is there anything you can tell me in the meantime?

“Let me think,” said Karyn’s father. “Is she a student like you?”

“No, she works.”

“That’s actually good. When you’re working five days a week, you want to get into a routine where you’re eating less than what you normally would. Then on weekends and holidays, if you backslide, it’s not so bad.”

Derpy smiled at that, and Karyn reached for a pen and pad to write down what her father was saying. “Sounds good. What else have you got?

“Well, I can give you some tips on my own, or you can get diet into from books and web sites. But don’t do that.”

“Why not?”

Karyn’s father’s tone shifted to one of annoyance. “Diet advisors don’t ever want you to indulge. Their attitude is that you should eat nothing but vegetables and fruits and good stuff. If you listen to them, there’s no reason for a doughnut shop to even exist, because it might as well be selling heroin. It’s just not realistic. We all like tasty food, food that’s bad for us, and you have to know how to integrate it while still being responsible. I would read them for recipes and information on things like calories and carbs, but don’t take them as gospel.”

“Maybe you could write your own book.”

“Ha, I wish. Let’s see. I mentioned calories. That’s really what it’s all about. You can play around with carbs and proteins all you want, but calories are the bottom line. The reason things like Atkins work is that carbs make you hungry. That’s why Italian meals use pasta as an appetizer. If you can count calories and work within the daily limits, you’ll lose weight. But most people don’t want to hear that, so they need tricks to fool the mind into thinking it’s getting enough food. Fortunately they have all those nutritional information labels on everything.”

Karyn looked over her computer at Derpy. “Hmm. My friend eats a lot of fresh foods, very little packaged stuff. I’m not sure she has that information.”

“Well, it’s all on the Web. Although if she’s eating fresh, that’s a good step to begin with. Learning to cook is another.”

“I know she bakes.”

“Well, that’s a little more suspect,” her father said. “Anyway, speaking of steps, you remember how I did walking for exercise every day? I know you girls are into going to the gym and all that, but really walking is enough. Exercise has diminishing returns. It’s more important to do some at all than it is to do a lot of it. Unless you want to build muscle, which would let you eat more. But that’s easier for men.”

Derpy waved to get her attention. She had picked up a notebook of her own and written on it “Can flying work instead of walking?” Karyn had to stifle a laugh.

“Thanks, Dad. It seems like a lot but I’m sure my friend will be appreciative.”

“Good. Of course, so much of it is about motivation. That’s what I had in my little notebook. I’ll definitely work on finding it and I’ll call you back again tonight. You should call me more often though. I miss you, all away at college like you are.”

Karyn rolled her eyes. “Talk to you later.”

They signed off, and Derpy came back out into the room. “Well, he gave us some good information, but this is still going to be difficult.”

“I guess so. But we’ve got to start somewhere. Come on, let’s go back outside. Yes, I think that flying will be a fine substitute for walking, so we’ll go for a mile this time. Then you can increase it a little more each day.”

“But we were just outside. And I fly so much every day on my route.”

Karyn thought about that. “Yes, but that’s flying you do normally, not for exercise. It has to be over and above your normal routine.”

They went back out on the same route they had before. The workers had finished their takedown and the town looked a little barer than it had been. Karyn eschewed her usual window shopping in favor of keeping a brisk pace for Derpy to follow.

“There it is,” Derpy said. “There’s the wire that had those shoes on them. Betrayer!”

“Huh?”

“If I hadn’t have gone to pick them up, you never would have noticed that I was too heavy. I could have gone on in blissful ignorance.”

Karyn put her hand to the Bluetooth and lowered her voice. “Do you really think that would make it better?”

“No, of course not.”

“Come on, keep pumping those wings.” Karyn tried to be more encouraging than reproachful. Nopony likes hearing that they have a lot of work ahead of them, she thought. “As soon as we get back we’ll have lunch.”

“In that case, I’ll go extra fast!”

A few blocks from the dorm stood a health-food store. Karyn liked the food, but it was the opposite direction from most of her classes, so she didn’t visit it often. That day, though, she bent their route toward it. “Wait here,” she said. “I’ll pick up lunch for both of us.”

She came out a few minutes later with two small, brown cardboard boxes and they walked the rest of the way to the dorm. Karyn set up the card table and handed Derpy her box. She took one look at it, and her face fell.

“This is it?” The box contained a bed of garden greens, a few plantain slices, and a sliced egg.

“If you limit yourself to that now, you can have a snack halfway between now and dinner.”

“Why don’t I have the snack now?” asked Derpy.

“Because then you’ll be even worse then. Besides, that has a lot of protein, and like my dad said, it should make you feel more full.”

Derpy munched on the small salad, trying to make it last longer. Even so, she finished it quickly. “I’m still hungry.”

“You have to give it some time to hit your stomach and for it to send the right signals to stop the hunger.”

For Derpy, it was one of the longest afternoons she could remember. She constantly checked the clock. Karyn had told her she could have the snack at 2:30 and dinner at 5, but time was moving slowly.

“Even if I wait ten minutes, the clock only goes five!” she shouted at one point.

With a half-hour to go, Derpy broke down. “I’m never going to make this. If I can’t do one day, how am I going to stop eating long enough to actually reach a goal?”

“We’ll find a way, together, the same way we always do. Two friends can accomplish anything, right?”

“Maybe, but you can’t do my exercise for me, and you can’t do my not-eating either.”

Karyn looked at her room and saw her purse hanging on the bedpost. An idea hit her. “All right, Derpy, I’ll make a pact with you. If you write down everything you eat, I’ll write down everything I spend. We’ll both agree to cut down, and we’ll help the other one where she needs it. Is it a bargain?”

Derpy wiped the tears from her eyes. “I guess we’ll have to try.”

While Karyn was away getting dinner from the cafeteria, the computer signaled that her father was trying to reach her again. Not knowing what to do, Derpy clicked answer and then flew out of sight.

“Hm,” he said. “She must have auto-pickup or something. I’m not sure I like that.”

Karyn came in a minute or so later and saw her father already on the video chat. “Oh. Hello there.”

“Good, you’re here. Now eat your dinner like you promised.”

Surreptitiously sliding the second box behind her monitor to Derpy, Karyn made a display of eating her sandwich. “Happy now?”

“Looks more like a lunch than a dinner.”

“Well, I was supposed to be eating with my dieting friend, but she’s a little late. I have fries too.” She displayed the box.

“All right, all right, I guess you don’t have an eating disorder.”

“Did you find what you wrote during your diet?”

Derpy managed to slide the box to her and open it. She was inclined to agree with Karyn’s father that it wasn’t really a proper supper. She listened to him as she ate.

“You won’t believe how little you can eat and not starve. You look at a meal that’s only four hundred calories and you think that it can’t be enough. But all the nutritional charts say it is. So you do it, and you’re amazed. Just put something in you, enough to absorb the acid that’s in there, and it’ll be enough.

“But of course your rational side still has to deal with the actual hunger pains. Well, there’s a couple of things you can do about that. The first is to enjoy them. I used to pretend that every grumble of my stomach was churning away a little fat from my waist. That gave me the impetus to hang on to the next meal or snack time. I found also that if I stuck to the diet, the pains lessened. When I backslid and indulged for one meal, I’d be extra hungry for the next. That’s not fair, but it’s true.

“Ultimately it’s about what you want more, to lose the weight or to keep eating. That sounds like motivational crap, but it’s true, and it’s not meant to be rhetorical. Your friend might not be ready. She might want to keep eating more than she wants to be healthy. You have to live with that and not press her too hard. Forcing someone to make a choice is always a temporary solution. Because you can’t take care of someone their whole life. Once they’re back in charge, if they haven’t made the choice, they’ll go back to their old ways.”

Derpy wanted to fly out in front of the monitor and argue, but even if it wouldn’t put her secret at risk, she couldn’t. He was right. She just wished he weren’t so blunt.

“Of course,” he finished, “all this was what worked for me, and I have a very direct view of the world. Since your friend’s a woman, she might need a different outlook, not so cold.”

“Thanks again, Dad,” said Karyn. “It’s been a big help.”

“Yeah, well, I also wanted to keep you on long enough to make sure that you digested the food and didn’t bring it up.”

One more eye-roll and a good-bye later, Derpy was able to come out. “I guess I have a lot of work to do.”

“You do, but I’ll be there for you all the way. We have our pact, we have our plan, and we have time.”

They hugged, and started together on their journey.

Author's Notes:

Preview ahoy!

“Ooh, I’ll send her a tube of horn wax. She’ll like that.”

“What does that do?”

“It makes a unicorn’s horn waxy and shiny.” Derpy ran into the bathroom and got the tube.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hello yourself, whipper-snapper. What’s that you got there with you? Some kind of baby dragon?”

“No, she’s my friend. She’s called a human, and her name is Karyn.”

Granny Smith looked down at her knitting. “Well, if she’s a friend, I guess that’s all right. And you are?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Derpy took a look at the dried apples. “Sweet Apple Acres, huh? I didn’t think they sent much to Canterlot.”

“This was sent by a special train.”

“Really? Cool. What’s the occasion?”

Look forward to it!

40: Mommie Derpest

“Ah, another beautiful day on Earth,” Derpy said as she appeared.

“Maybe you should look outside before you say that.” Karyn pointed at the window. It was dreary and foggy outside, the kind of cold and clammy fog that comes on warm winter days.

“Well, another day that a pegasus pony would be really useful if you’d only let me control the weather for you.”

“Not a chance.”

Derpy had gotten into the habit of inspecting Karyn’s dorm room on arrival each week in a subtle effort to get her friend to be neater. It was mostly in order, but the closet door was open a crack, so Derpy went over to shut it.

“Hey, what’s this?” she said. “Don’t you know that you’re supposed to open your mail as soon as you get it? It’s insulting to the carrier if you don’t.”

“Well, I know what’s in that one, and I wanted to wait until tomorrow.”

“Why? Is it something you don’t want me to see?”

“Actually, yes,” said Karyn. “I hoped keeping it out of sight would have put it out of mind as well. It’s a care package from my mother.”

“You don’t want me to know she cares about you?”

“It’s not that. A care package is a gift that you give someone you love just because, and it’s usually mostly food. It’s probably full of cheeses and dried fruits and nuts.”

Derpy perked up. “Food? Well, crack it open!”

“You’re on a diet, remember?”

“Oh, right.”

Karyn took the box and put it back in the closet, shutting the door tightly this time. “How did you do anyway?”

“I was honest and good. I’ve got a list of what I ate.”

“All right. I was good too. And if you don’t eat from the package, then I’ll have it for this week and I won’t have to spend as much on food. So leaving it alone helps us both.”

Derpy relented. “Although, if we are going to want to avoid the temptation, and if we are going to keep me to my dieting routine, and if we do want to go somewhere where you won’t have to spend money, want to go to Equestria today?”

“That sounds like three good reasons.”

Karyn mounted, and they went through their usual routine. As they descended, Derpy said, “I’d like to send one of those packages to Dinky. What do you think?”

“I think it’s a great idea.”

“I can get most of the things that were in your package.”

“Well, it doesn’t have to be the same,” said Karyn. “It doesn’t even have to be food. Maybe just some reminders of home.”

“Ooh, I’ll send her a tube of horn wax. She’ll like that.”

“What does that do?”

“It makes a unicorn’s horn waxy and shiny.” Derpy ran into the bathroom and got the tube.

“Did she leave that here or something?”

“No. I use it on my wings. It’s the same stuff as wing wax, and it’s a bit cheaper.”

Karyn briefly wondered if she meant a small amount cheaper, or the actual currency. Derpy continued to rummage around the house for items, throwing them in a box.

“Looks pretty good,” said Karyn. “Now all we have to do is to send it.”

“If only we knew a mailmare.”

“Well, I didn’t mean for you to carry it there yourself and now.”

Derpy was already putting on her uniform. “Why not? Don’t you want to see her?”

“I suppose I do. But can we afford the train?”

“You’re the one who can’t spend money. I’m the one who’s watching what she eats. Try to get it straight.”

Derpy grinned to show that she was joking, and they headed to the station.

As the train pulled out, Karyn said, “Do you think it’s all right to drop in on her unannounced?”

“Hmm, you may be right. I should write her a letter first to tell her I’m coming.” Derpy pulled out a pencil and pad and scribbled a note. “There. Now I’ll deliver that first, and it won’t be unannounced.”

Karyn just shook her head.

When they reached Dinky’s school, Derpy slipped the note under her door and waited. As soon as they heard Dinky trot over, pick it up, and read, “Coming for a visit. Mommy,” they opened the door. Dinky shook her head in the same way that Karyn had.

“Do you guys have water in your ears or something?” Derpy asked.

“No, it just means we’re happy around you,” said Karyn.

Dinky hugged her mother and friend and invited them in. “What brings you to Canterlot? More shopping?”

“No,” said Derpy, “giving things away. To you. Karyn told me all about this really nice tradition on Earth where mommies send their daughters boxes full of goodies when they miss them. The daughters, not the boxes.”

Derpy passed the box over to Dinky, who opened it with her magic. “Ooh, horn wax, thank you, Mommy! This will really help with all the extra work Princess Celestia has been giving us.”

“Extra work? Are you falling behind?”

“No, but I think she’s still singling me out anyway. Of course, everypony else says the same thing. In any case, we all get the impression that she wants us to buckle down and really learn as much as we can as soon as possible. Having my inspiration here will help.” She sidled up to Karyn.

“That’ll be nice. You always do seem to work better when she’s here. I’ll leave you two alone then.”

“Wait,” said Karyn. “Where are you going?”

“I figure that if I leave, I can go back to missing Dinky, which means I can get her another care package!”

Smiling, she walked out the door.

“Your mom is so crazy sometimes,” Karyn said.

“Yeah, I know. But I love her.”

“Did you know that when you were really little? I mean, that your mother was kind of different from other ponies?”

Dinky looked sideways. “If I did, I didn’t really care. I had a lot of good foals I went to school with, and a good teacher, and they didn’t make fun of me that I noticed. If anything, it was the adult ponies that teased her more, but she kept me sheltered.”

Karyn nodded.

“What was your mom like?”

“Oh, not nearly as fun as yours. She had to work, same as your mom, and I think she resented it a little. She was always getting on me about cleaning my room. Come to think of it, Derpy does that now. Maybe she thinks she’s my surrogate.”

Dinky chuckled. “Or that you’re mine.”

“Could be. So what are we studying?”

Dinky trotted over to her desk and pulled out her notes. “Perception spells. Like how to tell what’s inside a box without opening it.”

“It’s a good thing your mom didn’t know that you were studying that subject when she brought in the care package. She would have given you a pop quiz.”

“Ha, ha. You’re probably right. But it could be a good test anyway. See if you can put something in the box that I wouldn’t recognize, maybe something that we don’t have in Equestria. Then I’ll try to spot it.”

Karyn dug around in her purse and found her lipstick. Figuring that she’d never seen a pony accentuate her lips, it might fit the bill. She put it in the package with the rest and challenged Dinky to find it.

She furrowed her brow and glowed her horn. “I can’t tell exactly what it is. It looks like some kind of pen. But I can definitely pick it out from the other things. It’s on the left hand side, about three inches from the box wall.”

“Wow, that’s cool. You can really see it?”

“Not exactly, but human objects have a different feel to them from the things my mommy gave me. That was so nice of her. Was it really your idea?”

Karyn shook her head. “My mom sent me one, so yours got the notion.”

“Well, it was nice anyway.”

“I wonder if that’s why she tries to be such a good mother.”

Dinky was confused. “What do you mean?”

“Oh, I was just thinking that because she never knew her mom, your grandmother, maybe she just wants to try so hard to get it right and make her proud.”

“I don’t know about that.”

Now it was Karyn’s turn to be confused. “Has she said anything to you?”

“No, but I’ve heard stories about my mom. From grandpa, when he was alive, and from other ponies who knew her.”

“What was she like?”

Dinky hopped over to the bed and made herself comfortable. “From what I understand, she was very. . . outspoken. Which is a nice way of saying that she didn’t take any guff from anypony. She was tough as nails and even went to work for a while when grandpa was sick or hurt sometimes.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. And they said she had very strong hooves. She could take a straight bar and bend it into a horseshoe, and could hoofwrestle an earth pony and win. And even though she only owned two dresses, she would always put one of them on if a guest came to the house.”

“Why did she do that?” asked Karyn.

“She and grandpa didn’t have a lot of money to go to formal events. So I think she wanted to have an occasion to wear them.”

“That’s so sweet. I should ask Derpy for more stories about her.”

Dinky scowled. “I’m not sure that she knows too many. You know how she is about grandpa.”

“I think she does. I went with her on her mail route one day, and there’s a pony with the same name that she delivers to. It’s a nice tribute to her mother. But I still wish she had known her. No, not even that. It’s just that both of us have such wonderful mothers, and she deserves one too.”

“Oh, that’s so sweet. Yes, it would be nice to hear more stories about Grandma Dancey. But the only pony I know from that time is Princess Celestia.”

“Yeah,” Karyn muttered. “Hey, what about Granny Smith, the matron of the Apple family? She’s old enough that she might have known your grandmother.”

“I never thought of that. We should go see her.” Dinky started packing a saddlebag and heading for the door.

“You mean right now? Shouldn’t we wait for your mom? And how will we get to Ponyville?”

“Train, same as always. And we don’t need to tell mom, it’s supposed to be for her. And yes, now.”

Karyn wanted to protest, but Dinky was already halfway out the door. Finally she thought of something. “But you know that your mother will catch us. She always does when we try to sneak out.”

“You’re right. Hang on.” She levitated a hat onto Karyn’s head. “There. Now you’re disguised. Come on.”

Matter-of-factly, Karyn said, “You are your mother’s daughter.” But she left with her.

Despite Karyn’s fear, they reached the train station without incident and took the train back to Ponyville.

Apple Bloom was repairing a fence at the edge of Sweet Apple Acres when they approached. She wasn’t a close friend of Dinky’s, but they knew each other’s name and were cordial to one another.

“Howdy!” she said. “What brings you round the farm? Most of our crops ain’t for sale right now in the season.”

“Actually,” said Dinky, “we were hoping we could talk to your grandmother. Maybe hear some old stories.”

“Really? Well, I’ll lend you my hair ribbon. Maybe with her eyesight she’ll think you’re me, and then she’d tell them to you instead of me. Not that I don’t love her, but I must have heard them all a million times by now.”

Karyn grinned. “We’ll take that chance. Is she around?”

“Granny’s mostly retired now. She doesn’t even sort apples on cider-making day anymore. But she sits upstairs in the house and watches the ranch. She’s the one mentioned this fence needed mending.” Apple Bloom pointed toward the second-floor window. Dinky and Karyn spotted the elderly pony rocking in her chair.

“Thanks. We’ll go talk with her.”

The old boards of the house squeaked as they climbed the stairs, and the old bones of Granny Smith creaked as well.

“Hello, Miss Smith,” said Dinky.

“Hello yourself, whipper-snapper. What’s that you got there with you? Some kind of baby dragon?”

“No, she’s my friend. She’s called a human, and her name is Karyn.”

Granny Smith looked down at her knitting. “Well, if she’s a friend, I guess that’s all right. And you are?”

“My name’s Dinky, Dinky Hooves.” She hesitated as she realized that she was imposing on a relative stranger. “I was just wondering, since you’ve been around so long, if you might have known my grandmother. Maybe you can tell me something about her.”

“Well, sure I knew your grandam.”

“That’s great! What was she like?”

Granny Smith leered. “She was the orneriest, meanest, twistedest pony I ever knew and no mistake! Kind of mare who would kick you in the teeth so much as look at you.”

Dinky’s jaw dropped. “Really? Everypony always said she was nice. Tough, but nice.”

“Well, of course nopony wants to hurt a little’un’s feelings, but them’s the facts. Now you take old Mr. Waddle f’r’instance. Kindest feller you’d want to know. Always sayin’ hi and smilin’. Well, one day he passed by and sure as I’m sitting here your grandmother comes right out and says, ‘Can’t stand that stallion.’ Didn’t care who heard it either.”

Karyn wanted to stop her. Dinky looked as if she were about to cry. But Granny Smith was still talking.

“No wonder your daddy left home as soon as he was old enough to work.”

“Wait, what?” Dinky picked her head up. She thought back and realized that she had never specified who she was talking about. “I’m sorry, Miss Smith, I don’t mean that grandma. I meant my other one, Dancey Hooves.”

Granny Smith perked up at the name. “Oh! Well, that’s a pony of a different color! Gray, if I’m not mistaken. Poor Dancey. Shame what happened to her.”

“You knew her?”

“Dancey Hooves. Haven’t thought about her in a long time. Not the brightest apple in the basket, but you couldn’t tell her that. Kept a flower garden of chrysanthemums, every color of the rainbow. Wasn’t stingy about giving them away, neither. Yes, she was a darn fine pony. Shame what happened to her.”

Karyn put her hand on Dinky’s back. “It wasn’t entirely a shame. A very nice pony came out of it. No, two very nice ponies.”

Granny smiled, but then fell asleep for a minute or two. Karyn and Dinky weren’t sure if they should leave, so they tried to steal away quietly. As they reached the door, she woke back up and said, “You tell your mother I said hello, now, you hear?”

“I will, Miss Smith,” said Dinky. “You know, since she never had a mother, maybe you could sort of adopt her.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t like to do that. I know I don’t look it, but I’m awful old. Nopony should have to lose two mothers.”

There was nothing else to say to that.

They walked back downstairs. “Dinky?”

“Yes, Karyn.”

“How old is Granny Smith?”

“Ooh, I don’t know. She was around for the founding of Ponyville, so quite a while. But I think that she’s the type who’s just too set in her ways to leave. When she does, it’ll be on her terms.”

“I guess some people are like that,” said Karyn.

Dinky stopped at the door to the house. “When grandpa died, he’d been sick a real long time. Mommy took care of him as best as she could. The day it finally happened, he laid down in bed and wouldn’t talk at all. He was very pale. But he kept breathing. We’d watch his chest go up and down, over and over, for hours. At the foot of his bed there was a clock, and I’d watch it tick away. I didn’t think he could see the clock. The hands kept moving, and his chest kept rising and falling. At the stroke of midnight he let out one more breath. That’s when Mommy said that it was Grandma Dancey’s birthday, and wasn’t it nice that we were all together for it.”

“It’s just so wrong, all that your mother has had to go through. I don’t know how she’s stayed so nice. I think if I had all that happen to me, I’d be bitter and mean, the way that Granny Smith described your other grandmother.”

“My mommy’s a special pony all right. We should do something nice for her.” They passed by where Apple Bloom was still working on the fence. “Are you sure that there’s nothing for sale right now?”

“Well, we do have some candied apples that Big Macintosh put up in jars, but they haven’t sold too well. Most ponies like to buy fresh.”

Dinky negotiated with her until they agreed on a price. It wasn’t expensive, and she decided that she could afford to buy it and still have enough to get them back to Canterlot on the train. Karyn objected to a gift of food.

“I’ve been trying to get your mother to diet,” she explained.

“Maybe we can tell her not to eat it. Or to ration it out over several days.”

“We can try, I suppose. But in any case we ought to get back before she misses us.”

Soon they were back on the train again, and Karyn commented that she felt like a rubber band.

“Back and forth, Ponyville to Canterlot. Probably Derpy will take me on one more time before we pop home.”

They went back to Dinky’s room to find Derpy waiting for them.

“Hey, you two. Where’ve you been? I got you lots more stuff.”

Dinky was hesitant about revealing her truancy, but Karyn came to her rescue. “Dinky’s been practicing perception spells, and since she’s so familiar with this room anyway, we figured that it would be better if she got to a new environment.”

“Then what’s that jar?”

This time it was Karyn’s turn to stammer, and Dinky’s turn to bail her out. “I picked this up while we were out. I thought it would be a nice gift for you.”

Derpy took a look at the dried apples. “Sweet Apple Acres, huh? I didn’t think they sent much to Canterlot.”

“This was sent by a special train.”

“Really? Cool. What’s the occasion?”

Karyn stood between the two ponies. “On Earth, we have a holiday set aside every year to celebrate mothers, where we give them gifts and cards. It’s not for another couple of months there, but if you don’t have that in Equestria, it might be a good tradition to start.”

Derpy looked at her daughter. “That’s so sweet. Although Karyn won’t like it that you gave me a gift of food.”

“She already told me so,” said Dinky. “Hey, what if you didn’t eat it?”

“You mean just keep it around?”

“I was thinking, what if you put the dried apples in a dish and lit a candle in the middle. It would probably give a nice smell to a room.”

Derpy stared off into space, picturing the image. “That would be nice, I think.”

“Say, Mommy, are you ever sad that you didn’t have a mommy of your own? Karyn and I were talking about it and thinking about asking some older ponies to adopt you.”

“Oh, no! Don’t ever do that.”

Karyn was surprised at her strong reaction. “Would it really be so bad? I have a mother who loves me and I’d want the same for you.”

“I figured something out a long time ago. Everypony has a certain amount of love given to them in their life. I saved up all of the love that should have been given to me as a filly, and I got it back from Dinky. If somepony adopted me now, they’d be giving me love that could have come from her. Or from you.”

Karyn and Dinky weren’t sure that Derpy’s idea made sense, but it was sweet, so they indulged in a group hug.

“And another thing,” said Derpy. “If it were an older pony, I’d have to deal with losing them eventually. I don’t think I could handle that.”

“That was her opinion as well.”

“Whose?”

Dinky quickly changed the subject. “Hey, what about if Princess Celestia adopted you?! You could call her mom and she could come visit you and bring you things, and there’d be no chance that you’d lose her.”

“No way! I’m not getting anywhere near the crown again. I’ve got my own little kingdom right here, with one subject, and that’s enough.”

That was too much for Dinky, and another group hug was inescapable.

Author's Notes:

Rushing to get this preview in before deadline!

“Whew,” said Derpy. “I hope this counts as my exercise for the day.”

“Well, I think technically you’re supposed to work out above and beyond what you would normally do. Like, if you have to go to the market to buy food, you’d walk around there, but you’d do that even when you weren’t trying to lose weight, so you need to do it again.”

“You’ve got to be kidding!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Karyn grinned. “You are really devious sometimes. All right, we’ll follow your plan. Wait, won’t you be able to go and come back without time having passed here?”

“Hmm, you’re right. Actually, this will be a good chance to test how well we can control that. If I consider that I’m going home, and not just popping back to grab something, time should flow. We’ll see how that works.”

Karyn agreed to Derpy’s experiment, and let her go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So your friend is one of these unicorns?”

“Well, no,” said Karyn. “She’s a pegasus pony.”

“You mean she has both wings and magic? I’m not sure that’s fair.”

See what I did there?

41: Take Me Out to the Derp Game

“So what do you think?” asked Karyn.

Derpy looked at the small paper objects held out to her. “I don’t know. Didn’t we already do this ball game of yours?”

“That was a completely different game, with a completely different ball. And more importantly, we’re not going to play, we’re just going to sit and watch.”

“Well, I like the sitting-and-watching part, but—hey! Did you spend money on those tickets? You know you’re supposed to be budgeting.”

Karyn went over to her computer. “I have been. Don’t worry. These were given to the college by the team trying to promote it and get people to come to the game.”

“That sounds a little shady.”

“They figure that if people come for free, that they’ll buy food and drinks and souvenirs. I won’t do that, so I won’t lose any money.”

Derpy was still a little skeptical. “Tell me about the game.”

“Well, this one you can use your hands for, and you kind of have to. One side throws a ball, the other tries to hit it with a stick. It gets complicated from there, but that’s the basic idea. This game is just training, so we won’t see any of the big stars, but it’ll be fun anyway.”

“All right, we’ll go check it out.”

They had to take the light rail, but it was not crowded and Derpy was able to ride without getting in anyone’s way. The ballpark was of the “retro-modern” architectural school, scaled down for the minor leagues. There was a picnic area and an old-fashioned press box, but the seats were padded and enlarged for the growing waistlines of the population. Karyn’s tickets led them down the third-base line and Karyn was pleased to see that they had end seats.

“You take the one by the aisle and just keep your wings folded in. Watch for passersby in the aisle and don’t bump anyone and we’ll be fine.”

Other fans filed into the park, but an unwelcome guest arrived as well. The sky, already patched with clouds, grew ominous and heavy. The wind blew cold against Karyn’s cheek. She held out hope, but soon enough drops were stinging her and the ground crew was rolling a tarp onto the infield.

“This sucks,” she said, taking out her phone and connecting to the internet. “I didn’t check the forecast. Now it says that this will be around for four hours or so. They’ll delay the game, and maybe wind up canceling it.”

Derpy said nothing.

“And it always takes longer. Even if the rain slows down to a drizzle, they’ll wait until it’s all gone away, then taking the tarp off and letting the players warm back up takes forever too.”

Derpy continued to say nothing.

“Oh, no! Don’t give me that look. I can feel your look. Just forget about it. You have to let storms happen when they happen. It could mess up the whole ecosystem.”

Derpy remained silent.

“It’s not that I like getting washed out, but everyone’s going to notice if the clouds get pushed out of the way.”

Derpy, very deliberately, sat back in her seat.

“All right,” said Karyn.

“You mean it?”

“But don’t be too obvious. Try to just thin them out a little.” It was too late. Derpy was out of her chair and into the air before Karyn could finish her sentence. She leaned back and watched the sky. No one else saw any deliberate action, but it was certainly unusual for weather. The still clouds started churning and rolling, but seemed to brighten as the sun peeked through.

It was closer to ten minutes than ten seconds, but a break let through the sun. With the newfound brightness Karyn thought she saw a flash of reflection from across the field.

“Who brings binoculars to a minor-league park? You can see just fine anywhere in the field.” But she put it out of her mind as she felt Derpy return to her seat.

“Whew,” said Derpy. “I hope this counts as my exercise for the day.”

“Well, I think technically you’re supposed to work out above and beyond what you would normally do. Like, if you have to go to the market to buy food, you’d walk around there, but you’d do that even when you weren’t trying to lose weight, so you need to do it again.”

“You’ve got to be kidding!”

Karyn smirked. “But since Sunday’s supposed to be a day of rest after all. We’ll call it even.”

“Hooray!”

“Actually, they used to enforce the ‘day of rest’ thing so much that they didn’t even play ball then.”

“So what did they do?” asked Derpy. “Just sit home and drink?”

“No, you couldn’t drink either. Humans were very restricted once upon a time. Some think it was better back then.”

“What do you think?”

Karyn pointed out to the ball field. “Here you’ve got families gathered, people laughing together on a sunny day—and we have you to thank for that—in a setting that could be right out of the olden days. We can preserve the good of the past as a subculture, rather than letting it fetter us. That’s just an opinion though.”

She went and bought drinks, making sure to get a diet soda for Derpy. She was back in her seat as the announcer started his pitch.

“Oh, dear.”

“What is it?” asked Derpy.

“I just realized. The local team has a mascot.”

“So?”

“Well, they’re called the broncos.”

Derpy watched as what was clearly, to her eyes, a human in a bad costume of something a little like an earth pony came out of a tunnel and began throwing T-shirts at the crowd. “I think I’m a little offended at that,” she said.

“You’re not the only one offended at sports mascots. Sometimes they change them, if they’re offensive to aboriginals for example. But you’ll have tough luck getting them to change that one.”

They settled back and watched the game. Derpy enjoyed the play even though it was frequently interrupted for more contests and presentations by the insulting pseudo-pony. They headed back to the light rail station chatting about the game. Karyn was deep in the reverie of conversation when she heard a voice behind her.

“Fancy seeing you here.”

The voice had a familiar greasy edge to it, and as she turned around she saw a familiar greasy face.

“Albert, was it?”

“That’s right. Funny weather we’re having too. We’re lucky that that storm passed by. Well, I shouldn’t say passed by. Disappeared is more like it.”

“Yes, lucky.” Karyn kept her answers short, not wanting to give anything away.

“And another strange thing. Most people covered their heads when those clouds rolled in. Only one was actually looking at the sky as if she expected it to clear.”

“Now how could you read expectations on my face from across the field?”

He puffed his cheeks out in a smile. “First, because I have an excellent pair of binoculars. Second, because I’m a detective, and it’s my job to see what the average person misses. And third, because you basically just confirmed that it was you.”

Karyn grimaced and returned to her policy of silence.

“I want to know how you knew that the weather would clear,” he continued. “Or did you cause it to clear? Because I think everyone would be very interested in acquiring that skill and putting it to good use.”

Karyn rolled over in her mind how best to respond. She thought about laughing at him and asking if he thought she was some sort of witch. She also considered just denying everything and telling him that he was making everything up. But, still wary of how he twisted words, she said “I have nothing to say.”

“What’s a ‘Derpy’?”

She tried to force her face to show no expression. He was clearly trying to psych her out, and she was not going to let him. But she would have to respond to that one. “I’m sorry, what was that word?”

“When you talk in public, people are allowed to listen. I’ve heard you talk about something called ‘Derpy.’ I want to know what it is.”

With the stress of the situation, Karyn’s mind took that moment to give her a clever play on words. “You must have heard ‘therapy,’ which is what you need.”

Albert laughed. “I know what I heard. I’m going to figure you out, Karyn.”

She didn’t like how he used her name, and walked off. Both she and Derpy held their tongues on the trip home in case Albert was following them. Once they reached the dorm and Derpy turned off her invisibility spell, they were able to show their fear and annoyance.

“I know I’m not supposed to disparage another species,” said Derpy, “but I do not like that guy.”

“Yeah, I wonder if you hate him or Mike more.”

Derpy pulled up at that. “It’s different. You have feelings for Mike, and you’re a friend, so I have to care a little. But this one, I don’t even know if he has any friends, and I have no sympathy for him.”

Karyn was about to respond when she saw a flash of light from outside the window. “What was that?”

A minute later, what it was became clear as Karyn’s e-mail popped up indicating a new message. It was a picture, zoomed in and grainy, but clearly showed Derpy, wings akimbo, in all her pegasus-ness. The text part of the message read, “Let’s talk. –A.”

“Oh, this is not good,” said Derpy. “Do you want me to come with you?”

“Do I have a choice?” Karyn put her coat on and went back outside. On the way out they discussed new strategy.

It didn’t take him long to find them. His grin was wide and annoying.

“Don’t you know that stalking and taking pictures of other people’s homes is illegal?” Karyn said.

“Nominally. But a detective, in enforcing the law, sometimes has to skirt it himself. All right, what is that?”

“What does it look like?”

“I’m assuming that it’s the reason for all your strange behavior. Is it intelligent? Does it speak?”

They were out of hearing range for anyone else, so Derpy got close to Albert’s ear. “She speaks quite well.”

The combination of the unexpectedness of the sound and the initial sibilance caused Albert to pull away and flop like an oversized fish. “What is that?”

“Oh, but I thought you knew everything,” said Karyn.

Derpy slapped him lightly with a wing, making him freak out more. “How are you, or it, or she, whatever, doing that? How can you make something invisible?”

“Magic.”

“There’s no such thing.”

“Oh?” Karyn smirked. “Derpy, he doesn’t think that magic is real. Why don’t we show him?”

A second later, Derpy was using her spot cancellation spell to remove Karyn from frozen time. They looked at Albert’s unmoving body. “What should we do with him?” asked Karyn.

“Let’s start by drawing on his face. No one likes that.”

“Good idea. I’ll get a Sharpie.”

One was found, and she clumsily drew a mustache and glasses on his face. “You have a lot of canvas to work with there,” said Derpy.

Karyn laughed at that. “What next?”

“Well, do we want to unfreeze him and let him notice that first?”

“We can do that. Let me take out my compact mirror.”

They set up and Derpy restarted time. Albert could feel the change to his face, and from his perspective saw Karyn jump from one position to another, holding up the small mirror and showing the humiliating defacing.

“Or how about this?” said Karyn. Derpy used the spell again and they talked strategy.

“Turn his clothes inside out!”

“OK, but only his shirt. I’m not taking off his pants.”

“Fair enough,” said Derpy. Albert was wearing a collared shirt with buttons, so Karyn switched it to not only inside-out but backwards as well. She then got a more devious idea and buttoned one cuff to the other and tied his shoelaces together as well.

“Go ahead.” Derpy again started time, and Albert, suddenly straight-jacketed, flailed around until he tripped. “Whoops!” said Karyn, but Derpy was already on it, stopping time before he hit the ground.

“We don’t really want to hurt him.”

“You’re right.” Karyn picked him up and propped him against the wall of the nearest building, then untied the shoelaces. “Let him go.”

When he started moving again, Albert had the vertigo of having his perspective changed. What was down was now sideways, and his momentum was gone.

“Had enough?” said Karyn.

“Yes! But I still want to know how you did it.”

“Ugh, you are really relentless.” She watched for his reaction, and saw none. Derpy turned visible. “Why’d you stop time again?”

“Because as fun as this is, it’s not solving our problem. We have to face it. Another human knows too much about me. And that means that rather than trying to stop it, we have to adjust to the situation.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah,” said Derpy. “Part of the problem is that he doesn’t know what I am. He’s never heard of Equestria. I’m going to explain things to Twilight Sparkle. She’ll know what to do. In the meantime, I suggest you tell him about ponies.”

“You’re going to leave me alone? What if he tries something? And what if Twilight says that the only thing to do is to cut Earth off from Equestria?”

“I’ll leave you the time-stop spell. That’ll give you a means of self-defense, and an incentive for Twilight to let me come back.”

Karyn grinned. “You are really devious sometimes. All right, we’ll follow your plan. Wait, won’t you be able to go and come back without time having passed here?”

“Hmm, you’re right. Actually, this will be a good chance to test how well we can control that. If I consider that I’m going home, and not just popping back to grab something, time should flow. We’ll see how that works.”

Karyn agreed to Derpy’s experiment, and let her go. She then restarted time.

“All right,” she said, “I’m going to try to explain this to you. Let’s go somewhere.”

Karyn found a coffee shop where they could be given privacy without being out of the public eye. After making Albert buy her a coffee and pastry, she went to a booth and had him take out his tablet computer.

“What are you doing?”

“You need to watch this show. A couple of episodes at least.”

Spending a few minutes to think of the selections, Karyn called up videos that showed ponies using magic in Equestria.

When it was over, Albert said, “It’s not bad. What’s the point?”

Karyn reflected on the fact that he wasn’t such a lost cause that he didn’t like the show. “Equestria exists. It’s real. All the ponies from this show actually live and breathe in an alternate dimension.”

“Come on.”

“Do you want me to show you some more spells?”

“No, that’s all right!” he said quickly. He looked at the tablet. Karyn had a moment of sympathy for him. His entire outlook on life had to adjust. The world was no longer a place where everything could be explained by simple logic. “But how did they get here?”

“It’s because they have magic, so they can break the rules of the universe. We can’t do that.”

“So your friend is one of these unicorns?”

“Well, no,” said Karyn. “She’s a pegasus pony.”

“You mean she has both wings and magic? I’m not sure that’s fair.”

“Hey, you just found out about this. You can’t tell about the rules.”

Albert shrugged. Karyn explained the backstory of how Lyra developed the world-crossing spell and how Derpy modified unicorn magic so that everypony could use it. Albert raised his eyebrows at that.

“Wait, every pony? Really? They say that?”

“Yes. Don’t let’s get into language. There’s a whole thing about that. But anyway, now you know.”

Albert poured more cream into his coffee. “I’m still not sure I believe you.”

Karyn sighed. Right at that moment, though, Derpy came back and tapped her on the shoulder. “Let’s go back. I’ll show you the pony.”

They left the coffee shop and returned to the secluded area. Derpy turned off her invisibility. Even though he was coming to appreciate the truth, it was still nothing compared to seeing Derpy in the flesh. His eyes popped and he reeled.

“Nice to meet you,” said Derpy, but her heart wasn’t in it.

“I explained everything. Albert, Derpy went back to Equestria to talk to Twilight Sparkle about you. Did you come up with anything?”

“Yes.” Derpy reached into her bag. “We agreed that you know too much and that the only solution is to turn you into a pony as well and keep you prisoner in Equestria. Hold still.” She pointed a spell at him.

“What?! No!” Albert panicked and tried to run, and even Karyn was a little surprised.

Derpy burst out laughing. “Gotcha.”

Karyn joined her in the laugh. “All right, that was funny.”

“You wouldn’t think so if it were you,” said Albert.

“Well, now you know what it’s like to be scared,” said Derpy. “But I do have another one that I am going to use. Don’t bother trying to run. It’s already been tuned to you.”

He cringed and backed away anyway, and Derpy’s spell emerged as a sphere of light that kept expanding until it was out of sight.

“What did that do?” asked Karyn.

“Yes, what?” asked Albert.

Derpy stared at him. “Since you don’t respect anyone else’s right to privacy, you just gave up that right yourself. From now on, everything you do or say will be available to be known by everypony in Equestria. There’ll always be somepony watching you, wherever you go, so if you try to tell anyone, we’ll know, and we’ll stop you.”

“But why shouldn’t everyone know?”

“If Princess Celestia and Princess Luna decide to reveal Equestria to the human world, that’s fine. But it’s their decision, not yours.”

He swallowed. “May I go now?”

“Fine. But we’ll be watching.”

Shaking his head, he waddled off.

Karyn and Derpy went back to her dorm. “Well, today was certainly exciting, wasn’t it?” said Karyn.

“Yeah. The baseball game was fun. I might go to another.”

“That really wasn’t what I meant.”

“I know,” said Derpy. “But I want to spy on Albert and make sure he’s not doing anything he shouldn’t be.”

“You were serious about that?”

“You didn’t think I was?”

Karyn was shocked. “I thought you might have been bluffing. When he first got suspicious I asked you to erase his memory and you were so reluctant to do that.”

“That’s different. Messing with another person’s mind is wrong. Albert can still do anything he used to. He just can’t hide or lie about it. No, it’s not completely fair, but he shouldn’t have meddled with things that he couldn’t comprehend.”

Derpy found another spell in her bag and turned it on. It was reminiscent of the flashback spell that Trixie had used, except that there was sound as well. Albert was walking down some street, constantly looking over his shoulder. He was clearly nervous.

“I’m still not sure I feel right about this,” said Karyn.

“Really? I was thinking of getting some popcorn. But you’re probably right. Enough ponies will have the voyeuristic urge that somepony will be keeping an eye on him, and even if not, he won’t try anything, which is the point.”

“So let’s just watch a regular movie.”

Derpy acceded, and moments later they were relaxing on Karyn’s bed.

“Hey, Derpy?”

“Yes.”

“Did you mean what you said before?”

Derpy raised her head. “I said a lot of stuff before.”

“About Celestia and Luna maybe opening up Equestria to Earth.”

“Oh, that. Well, I mean, it’s true that it’s nopony’s decision but theirs. But I’m not sure they ever would. Maybe.”

Karyn leaned back. “I don’t know how I’d feel about it if they did. It would be nice to not have to hide and use spells like that one we had to today. But then again, I kind of like being special.”

“Aw. Don’t worry about that. No matter what happens, even if Equestria and Earth become the same place and everypony and every human learns to live together, or even if there’s a big fight between the worlds, I’ll still be here with you, every week.”

“Is that a promise, or a threat?”

Derpy rolled over and hugged her. “It’s a fact.”

Author's Notes:

Next week is chapter 42! Life, the Derpyverse, and Everything!

“Are you ready now? Or do you want to put on your ball gown and show yourself off?”

“No, I’m good. Let’s go.”

She mounted Derpy, who got ready to take off. “Are you sitting a little differently? Your weight feels shifted from how it usually is. You are! You’re being extra straight and prim. Seriously, the Crystal Empire isn’t that big a deal.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“You were right.”

“Told you. Oh, there were hot drinks available if you wanted.”

“Actually, I’m more bored than anything,” said Karyn.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twilight put a hoof on Derpy’s shoulder. “I understand. It’s always like that. For example, when I first became a princess, I was worried that I was losing a part of me. I wasn’t a unicorn anymore, I was an alicorn. Even though all that was added was a pair of wings, I was separate and divided from my brother, my parents, everypony. In time, I learned to live with it.”

“I guess you have,” said Derpy. “I mean, in all the time since Karyn’s been coming here, we’ve never mentioned your wings or your being a princess. It’s almost as if we were completely unaware of it and just treated you as the unicorn you used to be right up until this week.”

I had to include that last line in the preview while it's timely!

42: The Crystal Derpire

Karyn watched Derpy across the breakfast table eating the fruit salad and cottage cheese that she had selected to start the day on the right foot.

“Are you chewing slowly to try to make it last longer,” Karyn asked, “or have you got something on your mind?”

“It’s the latter, I’m afraid.”

“Well, tell me about it and I’ll see if I can help.”

Derpy put down her fork. “Remember last week when I needed Twilight’s help to set up that monitoring spell on the fly?”

“Yes.”

“She wants a favor in return.”

Karyn blinked. “Is that all? Well, you can handle that.”

“But she wants it today.”

“All right. I’ll get my coat. What do we have to do? Scrub the library? Clean out Owlowysius’s cage? Listen to a lecture on magic safety? So long as I don’t have to sit next to Spike, I’m all right.”

Derpy tried to help Karyn with her coat, by way of apology. “Nothing like that. We’re supposed to carry the interlibrary loan books to the Crystal Empire and bring her back some that she wants.”

“The Crystal Empire? But that’s awesome! I’ve always wanted to see there.”

“You have?”

Karyn realized what she said. “OK, technically I haven’t always wanted to see there, but ever since the idea was presented, I have.”

“That works for me! Can you carry your share of the books? This is Twilight we’re talking about, so it’ll probably be a cartload.”

“We can handle that. What should I wear for the Crystal Empire?” She danced over to her jewelry box and started poring through it.

“It’s not formal, Karyn. I don’t think anypony will care.”

“But I can’t go in jeans and a T-shirt.”

Derpy thought she was being silly, since for all the Crystal Ponies knew, jeans and T-shirts were the height of fashion among humans. Still, Karyn found her paste earrings and her real pearl necklace and put them on over a blouse and mid-length skirt.

“Are you ready now? Or do you want to put on your ball gown and show yourself off?”

“No, I’m good. Let’s go.”

She mounted Derpy, who got ready to take off. “Are you sitting a little differently? Your weight feels shifted from how it usually is. You are! You’re being extra straight and prim. Seriously, the Crystal Empire isn’t that big a deal.”

They transported to Equestria, and Derpy let Karyn off as they headed to the library, where Twilight welcomed them.

“Thanks for taking these books for me. I’d love another chance to visit the library of the Crystal Empire, but there’s just so much to do around here, and I’m rushing to get it done so that when you return, I’ll be able to dive into the books you bring back with reckless abandon. Also, if I went there I might not leave.”

“You sure do love your books,” said Derpy.

“That’s an understatement,” said Karyn. “What are these books we are bringing up?”

“History books, mostly. Even though the Crystal Empire has been back for a few years now, they’re still catching up learning about what happened during their thousand-year hiatus. They have the highlights, but they want the real pony-interest stories.”

“We’d better get going before this history becomes outdated,” said Derpy.

“Thanks again.”

“Thank you,” said Karyn. “You really helped us out of a jam last week.”

Karyn and Derpy walked to the train station and found a seat. Trains to the Crystal Empire always had extra cars for luggage and freight, since they were relatively infrequent and since the empire was so far away. They deposited the books in among the other chattels.

It was a long trip up north, and Karyn watched hypnotized as the terrain started growing patches of snow, then banks of ice until there was more white than green in the fields, and at last there was nothing but a shining vista of ice that made the reflection of the sun hurt Karyn’s eyes.

“I will never understand how people can live in the permafrost like this. We have humans on Earth who do it, in Alaska and Siberia and Tierra del Fuego, but I wouldn’t want to.”

“But remember,” said Derpy, “that the Crystal Ponies don’t really live in the cold. Once you get into the area that their weather ponies control, it’s quite temperate.”

“Is that weather control? I don’t remember seeing any crystal pegasi.”

“But how else would they do it?”

Karyn thought. “Maybe the sun reflects off all the crystal there so much that it warms the empire.”

Once the train passed the border of the city, the harsh conditions outside changed to pleasant and bright. The train reached the station.

“Yes!” said Karyn. “It’s really the Crystal Empire!”

“Come on. Let’s get to the library.”

They waited by the baggage car for the case of books from Twilight to be unloaded, then wound their way through the city. Derpy was surprised that Karyn didn’t bump her nose into walls, since she was so busy looking at all the buildings.

Derpy navigated by map, finding the streets intuitive. “The layout makes much more sense than Canterlot, and certainly than that Mule city we saw. Everything’s a big circle.”

The librarian that greeted them was the same one that Karyn recognized. “I’d wondered if you had retired,” Karyn said.

“I missed a thousand years’ worth of work. I think I’m overdue.”

“Speaking of which,” said Derpy, “here are the books you wanted, and we have some to borrow as well?”

“That’s right. Just a moment.” She emerged a few seconds later with a tightly wrapped package. “I was told to inform you that it should not be opened until you pass it on to Miss Sparkle.”

“You don’t have to worry about that. I’m a postal employee and I would never look inside a package trusted to me. Not even when I’m working pro bono.”

“You have so many wonderful books here,” said Karyn, “even though I can’t read all of them. Hey, Derpy? Why doesn’t the language spell work on these?”

“Good question. Maybe Twilight and Lyra don’t know the language they speak here, and so they couldn’t weave it into the spell. Maybe a translation primer is what’s in here.” She pointed at the package.

“She would like studying a new language.”

“Anyway, let’s get back to the train.”

Karyn’s mouth fell open. “Already? We just got here. I want to see the Empire.”

“But it’s a long ride back.”

“I know, but we can miss one train at least. How often do they run?”

“If you’ll excuse me,” said the librarian, “I happen to know that the next train leaves in an hour, but there won’t be another today.”

“You see?” said Derpy.

“But we still have some time. I have to at least see the Crystal Heart.”

“All right, we’ll see the Crystal Heart.”

They thanked the librarian again and left. They followed the circular roads to the center, where they presumed the Crystal Heart would be. As the spokes narrowed, they were less useful for buildings and a few public gardens came into view. Karyn stopped at some bushes.

“Ooh, crystal berries. Do you think they’re good to eat?”

“I don’t know.”

Karyn snickered. “Go on and try some. They’re probably good for a dieting pony.”

Derpy munched cautiously. “Not bad. A little sweet.”

Karyn picked up a handful. She was the type who always took the daintiest bite of any new food, and she licked the skin of one crystal berry before putting it to her teeth and barely scraping the skin off it.

“It’s very sweet!” she said. “I suppose that makes sense. Whatever sugars are in the berry would crystallize even more than usual.” She finished the one berry, but gave the rest to Derpy.

It was only a short walk from there to the Crystal Heart. “There it is,” said Derpy. “And I suppose it is impressive to see such concentrated power. It focuses all that happiness into magic to go all over Equestria. And it looks like a big candy.”

“Don’t eat it!”

“Sorry. I’m good with my diet, but I still get cravings.”

Karyn let that pass. “Do you think we can see it activate?”

“I doubt it. Don’t they only activate it during the Crystal Fair?”

A Crystal Pony stallion who was apparently the Heart’s attendant approached them. “Not anymore! So many ponies came by that we activate it whenever ponies want. Or when they bring their friends, like yours here.” He leaned in close to Derpy. “What is she, anyway? A griffin who lost her feathers?”

Derpy shook her head. “Anyway, could you activate it so we can see?”

The stallion blushed. “Well, I could. But it’s activated by love and friendship and happiness. It’s awfully intimate to do. Perhaps you and your friend would like to do it together.”

Derpy looked at Karyn, who held out her hand. Derpy put her hoof in it, and they walked forward. Neither really knew what to do, so they just held their linked extremities forward and concentrated.

The Crystal Heart took that as enough. A light poured forth from it and passed through Karyn and Derpy.

“Congratulations and thanks!” said the stallion. “Your friendship has helped spread a little bit of joy throughout all of Equestria.”

Neither of the girls heard him. They were too busy admiring each other.

Derpy’s body had become crystalline and reflected light in every direction. Her cutie mark now looked like pearls in a gray and foamy ocean, pale and milky. Her wings were swept back and each feather was outlined in bold colors.

Karyn had undergone a similar change. The crystal shine of her skin had smaller facets than Derpy’s, but her dull blonde hair had been pulled into an updo that looked like a puffed crown. Her skirt now had a constant billow and the pearl necklace seemed to have multiplied so that pearls now appeared all over her blouse.

“What happened?” said Karyn.

“I forgot that the heart makes everypony into Crystal Ponies.”

“It usually doesn’t,” the attendant said. “You two must have had some crystal berries. The effects you’re seeing are from the light of the Crystal Heart striking the crystals of the berries.”

“We did,” said Derpy.

From off in the distance, there was the sound of a train horn. “Derpy, we should go and catch that. This walk took longer than I thought. You still have the books for Twilight, right?”

“Of course. Come on, let’s go.”

They hurried to the station, but the train had to load and unload everything, so they had plenty of time. It afforded Derpy the chance to climb aboard and partake in her favorite train activity of pony-watching.

When they pulled out of the station, Karyn wondered aloud, “So, how long does this crystal thing last? And am I allowed to change my hairstyle?”

A Crystal Pony happened to be sitting across from them. “Once you stop eating crystal berries or get out of range of the Crystal Heart it lasts a few hours.”

“Thank you. We should take some pictures, Derpy, while we still look like this.”

“We can do that. If the train is fast enough, we’ll get there in plenty of time for me to find the camera.”

They chugged along, but after a few minutes they felt the train’s speed slacken. “Is there a stop up here?” asked Karyn.

“Not according to my map.”

Derpy peered out the window into the white. The vista of snow was no longer reflecting the sun, as dark gray clouds had rolled in. Snow blew in from all directions, and it was unclear if it was just wind picking up what was on the ground, or new snow falling from the sky.

The blizzard had come out of nowhere and piled snow so fast that the train had to stop. A conductor came through a few minutes later and said that the tracks ahead were impassible.

“Storms around here don’t usually last more than a few hours,” he said. “Once it passes through we’ll clear the tracks and get you on your way.”

There was general grumbling from the passengers, but Karyn had a satisfied look. “At least he came by and told us everything he knows. With humans, in a crisis situation they’re almost always too concerned with doing the work to fix it, when the people concerned would be happier just knowing what’s going on.”

“I suppose. It’s still no fun though. I want to get these books to Twilight. You know how it is when you’ve got a job to do and it just gnaws at you until you get it done.”

The heat on the train was working at least, but without the sound and the movement it felt colder. Karyn and Derpy huddled together in an embrace and took a nap. Derpy didn’t get deep into sleep, and became fully aware when a pony walked by passing out tea, coffee, and hot chocolate.

“Do you think I should wake her and see if she wants anything?” asked Derpy.

“Let her rest. I’m up front if you want anything else.”

An hour later, Karyn shifted and smacked her lips, coming to. “Are we moving?”

“Not yet. But the storm’s lessened a little.”

Karyn looked out the window. “Doesn’t look like it.”

“Trust a pegasus. Another twenty minutes and the sun will be out.”

She kept her head pressed to the window and watched her breath fog the glass. As Derpy predicted, the snow stopped blowing around and soon became only a few flakes floating down.

“You were right.”

“Told you. Oh, there were hot drinks available if you wanted.”

“Actually, I’m more bored than anything,” said Karyn. I don’t suppose we could open that package and read Twilight’s books.”

“Under no circumstances! Besides, they’re packed away in the luggage car.”

Karyn shrugged and went back to the window. After a few minutes, she said, “Is that a pony out there?”

“Can’t be. Nopony’s foolish enough to—“ Derpy had looked out herself. “I’ll be! Somepony is foolish enough! He’s going to freeze his tail off.”

The pony came closer, but they couldn’t see anything about him, since his head was wrapped in a scarf. As he passed by, Karyn spied his cutie mark.

“It’s Shining Armor!”

It was indeed the prince of the Crystal Empire. How he had heard about the stuck train no one knew, but he called the crew. Between his leadership, magic, and strong hooves, they cleared the track of the snowdrift in a few minutes. The first sound of the wheels turning brought a cheer to the passenger car.

Soon enough the snow gave way to patches of grass, and Karyn was removing her coat. They pulled back into Ponyville, and Derpy flew to the back to pick up the package.

As soon as they entered the library, Twilight welcomed them.

“Did you bring it? Were there any problems?”

“None at all,” said Derpy.

“What about the delay from the snow?” said Karyn.

“That wasn’t a problem. Just a delay. We’re here now.”

“By that logic, nothing’s ever a problem if it all works out at the end.”

Derpy nodded. “Anyway, Twilight, here they are.”

“Excellent. These important research materials will definitely help me in my latest project for the princess.”

From upstairs came a voice. “I thought I heard the dulcet tones of my favorite extra-Equestrial. Karyn! Yoo-hoo!”

Karyn sighed. “Hello, Spike.”

He turned his head to see what Twilight was holding. “Hey, they’re here!”