What Used To Be

“Tell you about my past? Why do you want to know? It’s not like you care.”

I glared at him. He stared at me. There was an awkward silence and nobody moved for what seemed like hours, but was actually about one minute. I was frustrated. Twilight had brought me to this place while in tears whispering that I needed help. But I didn’t need help. I didn’t want it, and I still don’t now. I just wanted to be rid of this pain. We continued to stare at each other. He then sighed and pushed his glasses up with a hoof.

“Yes, I do care. And even if I didn’t, your friends do.”

I snorted.

“What friends? The ones that ignored me?”

He paused for a second, looking at me with those gods damned eyes. They always stayed the same. Neutral. I haven’t ever seen them change. Yet, they annoy me. They’re beautiful, yet they don’t do anything. They don’t show emotion, they don’t move, they don’t change. They just sit there and do absolutely nothing. They were gray, a color that was rare. He was the first pony I ever saw with gray eyes. Yet he never put them to use. I hated that… and I hated him.

“Tell me about the friends that ignored you then.” He said with that soft voice. He could be a singer if he wanted to. Another wonderful thing he ignored.

“I don’t care about them and I don’t feel like talking about them, shrink.”

He sighed once again.

“I just want to help you and once again, you know my name.”

I scoffed.

“I’ll tell you again, I don’t care about your name and you can fuck off! I don’t want your help! How many times do I have to say that to you?!” I was in his face again. This happened almost every day. This time, he didn’t flinch and security didn’t rush in and force me into the padded room. My padded room was torn; I always had enough strength to escape the material that fruitlessly attempted to keep me restrained.

“Tell me about Twilight Sparkle, the only one that ever cared.”

My frown deepened. Just yesterday I accidentally told him that. I wanted to avoid everything he threw at me, but I just couldn’t shut up. This is why I’m viewed as pathetic. This is why nobody likes me. Why I hate me.

“If it will make you shut up, I’ll tell you.”

“You can tell me and this session will be over.”

“Twilight was a lonely filly who never acknowledged the fact that she was alone. Her books were her friends, and all she ever did was read. Well, at least before I came into her life. One of my earliest memories with her had to be when we were visiting Celestia and ate her cake…”

“Hello there Twilight and Spike. It’s nice to see you again.”

“Hi Princess Celestia!” Twilight and I said in unison. Celestia had sent a letter to Twilight Velvet saying that she wanted to see how far Twilight had progressed in her studies in magic. We raced all the way to the castle, laughing the entire time. Of course Twilight had to run slower than usual due to me being a baby dragon.

“I hope we’re not late. I did a little bit of studying before I arrived.”

“Says the pony who read five books and reread two hundred flashcards three times and triple checked your work on the mock quiz I made for you…” I deadpanned, making her blush.

“Well, it’s good to see that things have been normal for you, my student. Now, I do have a test for you, but it’s okay if you don’t pass; you’ll just have to study more. That shouldn’t be so bad considering that you love studying.”

“‘Love’ is an understatement…”

“Spiiiike…” Twilight whined with a cute pout on her face. Celestia laughed.

“Well, it looks like your vocabulary and grammar has improved since the last time you were here. You have the knowledge of a sixth grader and you’re just a baby dragon. Twilight must’ve been really determined to help you with that, especially when you replaced some of your r’s with w’s. I also see you’ve learned the difference between ‘a’ and ‘an’.”

“Yeah, Twilight was frustrated with my incorrect sentences. Now, if only I knew how to write properly…”

“Well then, it’s time to take that test! Hmm… where’d I put the paper at?” Celestia looked around the room.
She kept looking around the room and sighed. “I must have left it in another room… somewhere. Goodness it’s hard to keep up with so many documents and tests at the same time. I’ll be right back my little pony. Call the guards for help if you need some and there’s books on the bookshelf over there. Now where was that thing last…” Celestia start to talk under her breath as she exited the room to retrieve the paper.

Twilight and I were silent for a moment.

“What should we do?” I asked her.

“Hmm, you said something about wanting to write properly, correct?” The filly asked with a big smile on her face.

“Yeah! Awesome!” I exclaimed and ran over to a nearby table.

As we got there, we saw the greatest thing we thought we’d ever see in our lives. Cake. Lots of it. With gooey chocolatey goodness all over it. It shined with our imaginary light, it was absolutely glorious. The smell of the chocolate made it’s way over to my nostrils and I thought I was in heaven. Cake heaven, at least.

“Th-the princess… wouldn’t mind if we only took a small, tiny, minuscule little bite of this wonderful cake… would she?” Twilight asked with a small trail of drool running down her muzzle.

“Nah.” I said, gawking at the beauty of the cake.

We looked at each other simultaneously for a second, out stomachs rumbling in hunger and we made our decision.

That cake was ours.

>><<

Three minutes. It only took us three minutes to polish that precious cake and now… now it’s gone forever. I wanted to cry. We were currently stretched out on the table with our stomachs bulging out. I burped, sending a small flame into the air.

“That… was the best cake I’ve ever tasted in my life.”

“I have to agree. It was absolutely spectacular and I’d do anything to have just another bite!” She said while giggling.

Suddenly we heard the door open and we looked at each other with a look of fear on our eyes. We just ate Celestia’s cake. The cake the belonged to the goddess of the sun that had more power than anypony else. To make matters worse, Celestia loved her cake so much that… well… let’s say he sister ever got over the horror of seeing her sister do things she had never seen a pony do before in her life. But at the time we didn’t know she had a sister, but we knew she loved her cake. We immediately were in front of her bowing, crying and kissing her hooves. She raised an eyebrow as we said “We’re sorry we ate your cake. Please don’t banish us or put us in the dungeon!”

“Banish you or put you in the dungeon?”

“Or lock us in a dungeon where we’re banished to!” Twilight added.

“Now why would I do that?” She said. We looked up and saw an amused look on her face.

“B-because we a-ate your cake…” Twilight whimpered.

“Oh, you mean the cake I had here for you to eat after your test? Well, you did get to it a bit early, but I don’t mind as long as my little student is happy.” She said, trying not to laugh.

We sat there for a moment looking at each other before we burst out laughing.

“... She passed that test and we had a wonderful day.” I finished my story with a sigh.

“Anything else you want to say about this?” The stallion across me asked with the same expression on his face.

“No.”

“Really? Nothing of how you felt or anything?”

“No!”

“And you’re certain of this?”

“Look, stop dragging this on! I… I miss those days, okay?! I miss being innocent and actually being wanted. I miss that warm feeling in my heart, the feeling that I was loved. Now, I feel so empty, like I hardly even exist anymore. I’m lost… I’ve lost everything! I lost that love, that happiness, the innocence, myself!”

I paused for a moment, looking at the carpet floor. I blinked.

“I’ve lost myself…”

I looked towards the stallion and his eyes showed an expression for once: Shock. He noticed that my eyes weren't glazed over and empty anymore. The showed sadness, and my heart dropped. It’s been a while since I actually felt something. A tear fell down my right eye.

“I lost… who I used to be. I lost who I am completely. I’m not Spike any more...”

I slumped my body and turned away from the doctor. My face was a normal neutral face, but my eye told anyone who was looking at them that I was distraught. I then whispered one sentence, before I completely broke down and lost all of my sanity.

“I am nobody.”