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Dante's Little Apple Surprise

by Tatsurou

Chapter 4: Magic Word

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Using the acquired Soul of Steel, Dante was able to progress even further into the Tower, finding an elevator to take him higher. After killing several monsters that leapt down from above as the elevator rose, he carried Applejack further into the tower, privately hoping - but doubting - that things could be more straightforward from now on.

Coming out on the outside of the tower, Dante followed the path to see where this would lead. He was rather unsurprised when it almost immediately led him back inside.

In the new chamber, a large door was chained shut, the chain suspended between two statues. As Dante approached, voices appeared to echo from the statues.

"Look brother!" one of them said. "It's been ages, but we finally have company!"

"I see that!" the other replied.

"We must entertain our guest!" the first added.

"You're right!" the second concurred. "We have to be gracious hosts!"

"What should we do?" the first asked.

"How do I know?" the second demanded. "Quick, we have to come up with something!"

Applejack's stomach suddenly growled loudly

"Brother!" the first statue spoke. "We have two guests!"

"And the smaller one is hungry!" the second replied. "We must provide food! But what?"

"Abbas!" Applejack demanded.

"Abbas?" the first statue spoke. "She wants to eat fathers? I suppose we can provide..."

"Brother!" the second interrupted. "I do not believe she is speaking Hebrew. I believe she is speaking baby talk! She is only an infant."

"So what is Abbas, then?" the first asked.

"I believe it is Apples," the second offered.

"Abbas! Abbas!" Applejack agreed.

"You are correct, brother!" the first statue confirmed. "She desires apples!"

"Of course!" the second agreed. "She is an adorable candy colored pony! Of course she wants apples!"

"And apples we will provide!" the statues say together.

Without warning, Dante finds himself and Applejack buried under a pile of apples that appeared out of nowhere.

"...do you think we provided too much, brother?" the first statue asked.

"Nonsense!" the second countered. "There's no such thing as too much of a good thing!"

A loud munching sound could be heard from the pile.

"I see!" the first concurred. "She does like the apples!"

"Did I not tell you, brother?" the second crowed. "We have pleased our guests!"

"One of them, anyway," Dante grumbled. "In case you hadn't noticed, I'm not hungry! At least, not for apples."

"He is right brother," the first statue confirmed. "We must please both our guests."

"Then what can we do?" the second inquired. "We cannot please our guest if we do not know what they want!"

"Perhaps we could provide some other food item!" the first suggested.

"But what food item should we offer?" the second inquired.

"Hmm...our pony guest asked for something, and we made her happy," the first pointed out.

"Then tell us, guest, what food would you like?" the second demanded of Dante.

Dante glanced at Applejack, still happily eating her way through the pile of apples. "Well, I should let her finish eating, anyway...got any pizza?"

"Pizza we shall provide!" the statues proclaimed.

A large stack of pizza boxes from Dante's favorite pizza joint landed in front of him. "Sweet!" he said happily, popping the first box open and taking a big bite of a slice.

"But to be good hosts, food is not enough!" the first statue proclaimed. "We must do more!"

"Yes!" the second statue agreed. "We must provide entertainment!"

"But what sort of entertainment shall we provide?" the first inquired.

"Perhaps you can be the straight man for some comedy?" the second suggested.

"A wondrous idea!" the first agreed. "Then I shall inquire about your baseball team! Who is on first?"

"That is correct!" the second proclaimed.

About an hour later, after Applejack and Dante both finished eating and digesting and the two statues butchered more comedy duo routines from all across history - Applejack had the most fun with the second one trying and failing to imitate Mork to the first's Mindy - Applejack began to get restless.

"Brother!" the first proclaimed, interrupting a routine. "Our pony guest is becoming restless! Do you suppose we are being too noisy and desires a nap?"

"If that is the case, we can sing to her a lullaby!" the second offered. "Do you desire a lullaby?"

"Poddy!" Applejack whined, wriggling.

"What is a poddy?" the first inquired. "I do not understand the word."

"I believe it is more baby talk, but I know not for what!" the second conferred.

"She needs to go to the bathroom," Dante pointed out, taking her out of her carry sling. "She did just eat a whole bunch."

"Of course!" the first proclaimed. "We provided food, but no methods for our guests to relieve themselves!"

"An oversight we must correct for both of them!" the second asserted.

"Potties we shall provide!" they proclaimed together.

A grassy sandbox dropped from the ceiling to land in front of Applejack, along with a curtain for her to pull shut for privacy. A port-a-potty dropped down near Dante. As Applejack rushed into her potty area, Dante smirked. "You guys aren't so bad as hosts!" he commented before stepping in to relieve himself.

"Did you hear brother?" the first statue spoke up. "He said we are good hosts!"

"How wondrous!" the second agreed. "Master would be so proud!"

After a time, Dante stepped back out of the Port-a-Potty. Picking up Applejack on the way out of her sandbox, he put her back in her carry straps. "You know," Dante spoke up, "there's one more thing you can do to be good hosts."

"There is?" the first asked eagerly. "Tell us!"

"Name it, and we will do anything in our power!" the second agreed.

"We," Dante said, pointing to himself and Applejack, "want to go through that door there." He pointed to the door held by the chains.

A menacing rumbling filled the room.

"Our job here is to guard this door!" the first statue proclaimed.

"That's right!" the second agreed, both small statues standing up from the top of the large ones they were sitting on, clutching swords with heads at the base of their hilts. It was from those heads the voices originated. "We cannot let you pass!"

"Pweez?" Applejack asked, looking up at them cutely.

The statues paused. "What is pweez?" the first inquired.

"It is more baby talk," the second pointed out. "But I do not know the word."

Dante rolled his eyes. "She said 'please'," he groaned.

Both statues froze. "It cannot be!" the first proclaimed. "They know the magic word!"

"Impossible!" the second denied. "Only Master Sparda knows the magic word!"

Dante blinked. "You know my old man?" he asked, surprised.

The statues gasped again. "You are a Son of Master Sparda?" the first statue demanded in shock.

"He must be!" the second proclaimed. "Look! He wields the Master's sword!"

"This changes everything!" they proclaimed together.

The chain across the door breaks, and the statues holding the swords crumble. The swords themselves fly to Dante's hands. "We are yours to command, Son of Sparda!" they affirm loudly.

Dante stared at the swords, reading the names Agni and Rudra inscribed into their blades, for a while before sheathing them. "You gotta be shitting me," he groaned, heading for the door.

"Shiddig!" Applejack said happily.

"New Master!" Agni proclaimed. "Do not teach the baby pony bad words!"

"That is not appropriate!" Rudra agreed.

Dante proceeded to bang his head on the door.

Next Chapter: Shut Up! Estimated time remaining: 4 Hours, 30 Minutes
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