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You Can't Spell Slaughter Without Laughter

by Tatsurou

Chapter 30: The Trilogy That Wasn't

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"Heffy! Heffy!"

Hephaestus groaned slightly as he turned away from his forge. His eyes fell on the tiny pink pony bouncing towards him, dragging a train of wagons behind her that would have given many gods pause. But it was Pinkie Pie, so he didn't question it. "What is it, Pinkie Pie?"

"Can I borrow your forge?"

Hephaestus blinked. Of all the things he might have expected her to ask, this wasn't one of them. "Why?"

"Because I need to make some gigantic cupcakes, and your forge is the only oven big enough!" she replied as if the answer should be obvious.

"Just...how big are these cupcakes going to be?" he asked, looking around at his forge.

"Big enough for you to swim in, so I'll have to only make one at a time."

His eyes popped open at the very idea of a cupcake big enough to swim in. "Who's going to be eating cupcakes that size?"

"Well, Kronos and Gaea at first-"

"What?" Hephaestus demanded, shooting to his feet. "You intend to give cupcakes to the Titans?"

"Well, duh!" Pinkie countered. "How else am I going to get them talking instead of rampaging?"

"But...why?"

"So they'll come to the peace summit, duh!" Pinkie countered, rolling her eyes.

"Peace...summit?"

"Yeah!" Pinkie explained. "The one where the Gods and the Titans forgive each other for all the craziness that happened way back when."

Hephaestus laughed. "You really expect that to work?" he demanded in disbelief.

"Grandpa Zeus said he'd set it up if I can get Great-Grandpa Kronos to come," Pinkie countered, "so I'm already half way there!"

Hephaestus stared at her for a time, then threw his hands into the air in resignation. "Alright! Go ahead!" He wasn't about to question Pinkie Pie and Zeus. As he walked out of the forge to visit Aphrodite, however, he paused over one wagon. "Why does this wagon have 17 barrels of nectar, 20 baskets of Ambrosia, and a dozen golden apples?"

"Oh, that's for Aegaeon's cupcake," Pinkie explained. "Pretty sure he's not quite dead, so he needs the super-medicinal one to get back on his feet."

"Wasn't Aegaeon...turned into the Furies' temple?" Hephaestus asked nervously.

"Yup!" Pinkie agreed. "I'm gonna need Gaea and Kronos help just to get him eating!"

Hephaestus fled his own forge, deciding that he wanted to be far away from the unfolding of any Pinkie Pie scheme.


In the Desert of Lost Souls, Kronos continued his wandering, the Temple of Pandora and the mountain it sat on chained to his back. He had lost track of how long he had been there, carrying the Temple back and forth, turning at the calling of a horn. This was his existence, the punishment Zeus had laid upon him when the Gods won the war. A rage burned inside him because of this.

Hearing the snapping of chains, he paused. He felt his burden being lifted from his back, before feeling air upon it as he witnessed the Temple and mountain being lobbed into the distance, to land far more gently than physics should have allowed. As he sat back in surprise, a small pink pony landed in one hand, a massive confection landing in the other.

"Hungry?" the tiny pony asked. "You must be, after all these years. Eat up. We've got a lot to talk about."

Confused, Kronos took a bite of the confection. It was the most delicious thing he'd ever tasted. "Who...are you?"

"I'm Pinkie Pie!" she replied happily.

Kronos continued to devour the confection, finding his rage pushed aside by curiosity. "You said we had something to discuss?"

"Would Zeus have come after you and the other Titans if you hadn't eaten his siblings?" Pinkie asked.

"But...the Fates decreed-"

"Have you ever heard of a self fulfilling prophecy?" she interrupted.

Kronos lowered his face to be eye level with the pony in his hand. "Explain."

Pinkie grinned widely. "Well, it's like this..."


In the Temple of the Fates, Lahkesis swept back and forth in concern. The Pink One Zeus had spoken of continued to be a concern. It had been bad enough when her presence twisted Kratos thread in unexpected paths. But then, as the influence spread further, all touched by her became invisible to the Fates' vision. The threads vanished one by one from the loom, still present but beyond their reach or perception. At first it was just Kratos and Calliope, but then their mortal family...and then the gods...

And now the threads of the Titans' Fates had vanished. The loom was all but empty to their eyes, and their power could no longer damage the invisible threads. They had to do something soon, before all they worked for came undone.

At that moment, the Tower the main Temple was built in shuddered, the tremors from the impacts of massive hands. Making her way to a mirror, Lahkesis scryed the outside of the Temple...and her blood ran cold.

There upon the outside of the ancient tower, the Titans en masse were climbing to the Temple. All of them, free from their chains and with rage in their eyes, were coming for the Sisters of Fate.

"Kinda bites when people you're used to manipulating actually start thinking, doesn't it?" a pert voice said from behind her.

Lakhesis spun, and found herself face to face with a pink pony armed with four blades. "You are the pink one?" she demanded in disbelief.

"Yup!" she replied. "Name's Pinkie Pie. I'm kinda here to kill all three of you."

"You? Kill us?" Lakhesis laughed. "Don't you know there is no power greater than the Sisters of Fate?"

"Care to put that to the test?" Pinkie asked. "You're the one who reads the threads. What do they say about me?" Seeing the Fate's hesitation, her grin widened. "That's right. I'm not under your power, am I? Kinda implies I stand a chance against you, doesn't it?"

"We'll see about that!" Lakhesis hissed. "You seem to feel you need the Titans' backing to face us-"

Pinkie's laughter cut the Fate off. "Oh, they aren't here to help me!" she giggled. "They're just here to make sure you don't run away! Same with them!" She then pointed straight up.

Looking up, Lakhesis' jaw went slack. The entirety of Olympus was arrayed above the Temple upon steeds of their various elements: Zeus on a thunderbird, Helios on his Chariot, Hades on a shroud of shadows, Hephaestus upon a Pheonix' back, and Kratos astride a dragon, amongst countless others.

"Kind of a condition of the peace treaty between Gods and Titans," Pinkie explained. "Both the Gods and the Titans wanted to be the ones to kill you once they understood how you'd been manipulating everything from day one...but neither side wanted the other to get all the fun. So since I was the only one present who was neither Titan nor Olympian, I get first go at all three of you - using magic from both Gods and Titans - and if any of you get away from me, it's whoever catches you that gets first dibs."

"And you think we will just lie down quietly while you do this?" Atropos hissed as she flowed through the air, charging at Pinkie.

Grinning, Pinkie hopped up and kicked Atropos into one of her time-space mirrors, the very one Lakhesis was using to view the Titans, causing the image to vanish as Atropos phased into it. "I don't think you get a choice, Trappy!" Pinkie shouted, drawing all four blades before using her tail to launch herself into the mirror after Atropos like a spring.

"What?" Atropos screamed from within the mirror. "How can you follow me in-" Her words were cut off by her blood curdling scream of agony.

"I'm Pinkie Pie, bitch!" Pinkie bellowed from within the mirror. She then leapt out, sheathing all four blades as blood poured out of all the mirrors. "Don't question it!" She shoved the blades the last inch into their sheaths, and all the mirrors went dark and shattered.

"You killed my sister!" Lakhesis bellowed, launching green energy at the pony from her staff.

Pinkie leapt into the air. "Sorry, don't wanna play energy ball tennis with you right now!" She then came down hard, slamming her hooves into the ground.

The entire tower bucked, spikes of earth erupting from the ground as Gaea's Wrath was amplified by Pinkie's innate magic and the force of Hephaestus' hammer. Lakhesis attempted to dodge, but before long found herself hemmed in on all sides by the earth spines. When she tried to break free, the souls of the damned seized her, dragging her to the ground. "You...you can't have this much power!" she gasped.

Grinning, Pinkie drew her lightning blade, energizing it with Zeus and Kronos Fury. "Shocking, isn't it?" she proclaimed before flinging it forward, embedding it in Lakhesis' chest and discharging the stored electricity. The Fate exploded.


Deep inside the Temple of the Fates, Clotho shuddered where she sat, massive as she spun her threads. She had felt the deaths of her sisters, and knew not what force had come against them. Fear gnawed away at her insides as she heard steady hoofsteps approach her chambers. "I know not who you are, warrior," she spoke up, "but you know not what you do. Greece and Olympus need us."

"No, they don't," the calm voice replied as Pinkie Pie stepped into the light. "They never did."

Clotho stared. "Who or what are you?"

"I'm Pinkie Pie," she replied with a calm smile. "But you know me as 'The Pink One'. The one who's been making it so you can't read the Fates of those around me. And I've come to bring an end to you all, by the will of Olympus and the Titans."

Clotho stared at her. "What you speak is impossible!" she proclaimed.

"I'm Pinkie Pie," Pinkie replied. "Your argument is invalid."

Clotho's face screwed up in confusion. "What does that even-"

"Let me show you what I'm talking about, Clotho," Pinkie replied, walking up to the seemingly empty loom. "Let me show you what you've been denying to the world...what I've brought back." She lay her hoof upon the weft.

Before Clotho's eyes, pink light spread, dancing across the threads as the future became visible once more, dancing endlessly as it diverged over and over and over again into infinite possibilities, spiraling in and around each other as they progressed towards a shining moment they all eventually reached.

Clotho stared in incomprehension at the image of the Titans leaving Earth to the stars, with life of all sort following after them.

"Someday, Earth won't need the magic of the Titans anymore to sustain it," Pinkie explained. "Someday, the Gods will be able to take care of that themselves. When that day comes...the Titans will seek out new worlds amongst the stars to reshape for the life they have nurtured, and that life will follow them. That future could never come to pass so long as the Fates hold life back. The Earth has cast off the shackles you three laid upon her, and Hope reigns once more." Drawing her hoof back, the image began to fade.

"No!" Clotho gasped out in desperation. "Please, don't take it away!" She actually began to cry. "That shining future...please...let me see it..."

Smiling, Pinkie put her hoof to the loom again, letting the image reappear. "This is what your death will bring, Clotho," she said softly. "This is what the future holds...without you. Do you understand?"

Clotho nodded, her eyes still transfixed by the image.

Pinkie closed her eyes. "Then let that hope guide you into Mu," she murmured. Her blades lashed out as she mentally commanded the chains.

Even as she died, Clotho never took her eyes from the vision of life seeding the stars.


Pinkie returned to the outside of the Temple just as the Titans reached the peak. "Three for three!" she called out happily.

There was a bit of pouting from the more bloodthirsty Gods and Titans, but this was drowned out by the cheers. Fate no longer held sway over the future. Time was their own to write. Man, God, Titan, and Pony...in their hands and hooves the future would be molded.

Next Chapter: Homeward Bound Estimated time remaining: 24 Minutes
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