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You Can't Spell Slaughter Without Laughter

by Tatsurou

Chapter 14: Family

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Kratos steadied himself in the hold of the ship. This latest mission from the Gods of Olympus had he and his daughters sailing onto the open sea, in search of a hydra the gods wanted slain. Athena had provided him with a ship, a wind to guide it, and even a couple of her own followers who were more than happy to keep Olympus' Champion company on the long, lonely nights at sea. Unfortunately, even Athena's creativity failed at finding ways to keep Kratos' daughters entertained on ship, as it would take them two weeks to reach the waters in which the hydra swam. Fortunately, Pinkie and Calliope were good at keeping themselves entertained, which provided a good deal of entertainment for Kratos at that.

It had been five years since Pinkie's conniving allowed Kratos to be permanently reunited with Calliope, and the two girls had bonded quite strongly. By behavior alone, no one would ever doubt they were sisters...even thought one was a candy colored talking pony and the other was a disembodied golden suit of armor with glowing blue eyes.

Oddly, despite the reunion, Kratos' nightmares continued to haunt him. Each time he stared into those glowing blue orbs, the guilt assailed him once more, a reminder that it was his own actions which were why the daughter of his blood could be with him only in spirit and metal, rather than flesh. He loved both his daughters too much to let them know this haunted him still, so he had arranged to have them share a bedroom on board, while he took the room next door. A larger bedroom served the ladies Athena had sent with them for Kratos' companionship...although he had to admit, more often than not it was Pinkie and Calliope who went in there for motherly fussing. Despite the strangeness of their appearance, Pinkie never had any trouble wrapping civilians of any age or gender around her hoof just by being herself, and she had apparently taught Calliope a few tricks that were effective despite being a walking suit of armor.

Over the past five years, missions from Olympus had actually been rather few and far between, between one and three a year, and each Kratos was able to complete within a month, including travel time. This left the trio a great deal of time to get used to each other as a family. Kratos had decided to use that time to begin Calliope's warrior training.

Despite starting that training much later than Pinkie, Calliope seemed to be even more naturally talented in the combat arts than Pinkie. While she didn't have Pinkie's reality warping abilities, she was more than capable of keeping up with the pink pony, and could easily outrun Kratos himself in combat. Being a spirit possessing armor designed for the function, she did not experience physical fatigue or other such symptoms, and thus the only limits on her physical capabilities were those which she herself perceived.

On top of that, the armor pieces proved truly indestructible now that they were fused with the golden armor of the Underworld beasts. The only thing that slowed her down at all was when the armor was knocked apart, at which point she would either slowly reassemble or - if she were especially disoriented - wait for either Kratos or Pinkie to put her back together. She had even learned to propel the gauntlet clutching her sword a great distance from herself, mimicking Kratos' use of the Blades of Chaos. She was only able to do so in a straight line, though.

The three of them had practiced their combat until they worked like a well oiled machine, as Pinkie put it. Kratos wasn't entirely sure what she meant by that, but he did know that the three of them had 'sparred' once against a platoon of Spartans. Kratos had then had words with the Captain of that platoon, as they had all been knocked down and disarmed in minutes. The Spartans had since stepped up their training, and Kratos had stepped up his efforts at finding a good challenge for himself and his daughters.

And thus had come the order from Athena to slay the hydra. With luck, this foe would prove a more difficult challenge for them. If not, Pinkie had mentioned trying to teach Kratos and Calliope something called 'surfing'. Failing that, Kratos had packed some fishing poles and deep-sea line. Thankfully, he wouldn't need to break that out for rations, as they were well stocked.

Pinkie and Calliope had taken to sailing like ducks to water. Pinkie had eagerly raced all over the ship - even the underside somehow, much to Athena's consternation when she had guided them to the ship - while Calliope, having difficulty with water, confined her explorations to the interior and the deck. As soon as they set sail, though, Pinkie had decided to continue training on shipboard with the added hazards provided in preparation for the Hydra. As a result, the women Athena had sent along were frequently entertained by Kratos, Pinkie, and Calliope swinging by ropes in the case of Pinkie's, chains in the case of Kratos, and invisible bonds between arm brace and gauntlet in the case of Calliope, and swinging at each other with wooden poles, trying to knock each other to the deck of the ship. Athena was glad that she controlled the ship from her statue, as none of the intended crew spared even a moment for steering.

He walked the halls of the ship's hold tonight, though, because the nightmares had come again. They came more frequently at sea, where the storm tossed waves made his sleep restless to begin with. While the pain and torment of the nightmares had lessened over time, the guilt was still as overpowering as ever.

Each night the nightmares had come, he had followed the same pattern for finding restful sleep. First, he would walk to Pinkie and Calliope's room, looking in on their sleeping forms to reassure himself that they were, in fact, still there. With that reassurance against the pain of the nightmares, he would then seek out the two ladies Athena had sent with him, and exhaust himself so his mind would have no strength for dreams the rest of the night.

Tonight, however, as he approached the girls' room, he heard the sounds of dice and small clattering objects. He also heard them speaking.

"So what's this game?" Calliope asked.

"Hmm...well, I thought it was called something else, but I guess it's called 'Merchant Lords'. Basically, we roll the dice, move our tokens around the board, buy stuff with the money-" There was the sound of tin, brass, lead clinking together. "-and try to gain control and get all of everyone else's money. We can play till one only one player has any money, or until we get tired and the winner will be whoever has more."

"The coins are marked like real money," Calliope pointed out, "but it's not worth anything."

"Duh, it's play money!" Pinkie pointed out.

At that point, Kratos opened the door. "Girls?" he asked. "Shouldn't you both be sleeping?"

Both girls looked up at him, Calliope's eyes shining with happiness and a wide smile on Pinkie's face. "Pinkie says there's going to be a huge storm tomorrow," Calliope pointed out. "Too big to be on deck training in. It would even strain her abilities to keep me on ship."

"So we're going to stay up late playing tonight and sleep through the storm tomorrow!" Pinkie said happily.

"You should go play, too, Father," Calliope said, gesturing towards the larger room where the ladies were waiting. "That way you can be relaxed and rest tomorrow."

"The storm will end by sunset," Pinkie pointed out, "and then we can practice night fighting!" Both girls looked really eager at that idea.

Sighing, Kratos shook his head ruefully. "Have fun girls," he said, turning and closing the door behind him. He started to walk towards the other room, but paused after only a few steps. He wasn't sure why he did, but shortly after, he heard Pinkie's voice.

"How come you didn't invite Daddy to play with us?" she asked curiously.

"He's all grown up," Calliope pointed out sadly. "He's too 'mature' for games like these."

"Well, he might have joined!" Pinkie pointed out. "And it would have been fun, to play as a family..."

Kratos leaned against the wall as the boat rocked again. He realized he had two options here. He could continue on and enjoy a night of passion in the arms of the two followers Athena had sent with him. Alternatively, he could turn around and join his daughters in a meaningless, childish game where in all likelihood he would make an absolute fool of himself, and possibly lessen their view of him as a war leader.

The answer was obvious.

"So what piece are you going to be?" Pinkie was asking. "I'm going to play the pony!"

Calliope giggled. "I'm pretty sure that's a war horse," she pointed out. "I think I'll play as the chariot-"

Kratos swung the door open, catching them off guard. Staring down at the board Pinkie had pulled out of nowhere and set up, he saw several ceramic miniatures. Flicking his eyes over them quickly, he proclaimed, "I shall play the helmet!"

As both shock and joy shone in the blue orbs that were Calliope's eyes, Pinkie's grin exceeded physical limitations.


As Kratos rolled the dice late in the game, he was surprised to discover he was actually enjoying the game. Moving his piece, he saw the space he landed on. "Dues Ex?" he asked.

"You take a card!" Pinkie pointed out, indicating a pile of parchment squares also labeled 'Dues Ex'. The other pile was labeled 'Treasury'.

Kratos drew the card. "...go to prison?" Kratos proclaimed indignantly.

"Oh..." Calliope hissed. "Sorry Father." She moved his helmet token into the 'Prison' square.

"No mere walls and bars can hold me!" Kratos proclaimed, shaping his words from the image of 'prison' on the board. "If the prison of the Furies could not hold me, what chance does this one have?"

"You can't do that, Daddy!" Pinkie complained.

"And why not?" Kratos demanded pugnaciously.

"Because..." Pinkie began. She knew she couldn't just say it was against the rules. After all, she broke the laws of physics on a daily basis. "Because you're a helmet!" she cried suddenly. "You don't have any hands or arms to tear the walls apart and break free!"

Kratos grunted. "I see. I suppose that is true." His eyes narrowed shrewdly. "But if I have no hands, how have I been handling money?"

Pinkie looked to Calliope for help.

"Magic mind powers?" she offered helpfully.

Kratos nodded firmly. "Then I shall use the powers of my mind to tear the bars from the walls, and the walls from their moorings! No prison can hold Kratos the Psychic Helmet!"

He had no idea why that proclamation set both of his daughters to rolling on the floor convulsed with laughter, but it was beautiful music to his ears.

Next Chapter: Hydra Estimated time remaining: 2 Hours, 17 Minutes
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