Hey guys, Poodicus here with my new story. It’s much lighter than the other one I’m currently writing, which I’m putting on hold at the moment due to the fact of I’m having a bit of a writer’s block. That and I’ve also had this idea floating around for a while but didn’t start it because I was writing my other story. It might still have some cursing from the main character… a lot of cursing, which I’ll explain why in a second, but that and also no gore in it. Now, the reason why the main character swears is well… he’s an asshole. He basically has had a shit-tastic life. Now he is summoned to Equestria without his consent and must learn to be happy. If you see any similarities to any other HiE stories, it’s either a coincidence or I ‘borrowed’ (i.e. stole, sorry guys, I’ll try not to do it that much) their idea. One last thing, this isn’t a self-insert, but the main character’s taste of music is my own, but that’s pretty much. Now, on with the story.
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My name is Joseph Henderson, but some people call me Jojo. Ever since I was little I’ve had a fucked up life. Now, it might not sound like I had one as I was born into upper-middle class family living in the Chicago suburbs. Both of my parents were successful lawyers and loved each other very much, that is, until my mother caught my father cheating on her with a young blonde. Naturally my mom got pissed at this and threw my worthless dad out on his ass. I was only 4 at the time and didn’t understand what was happening, but ever since then it’s been downhill from there.

My mother had to raise me by herself, but because she was a lawyer always working her ass off so I could have a nice life. Yeah, nice life my ass. She couldn’t have given a shit about what I did or what happened to me. While I was growing up until I was about 12, my mom put me in the care of her sister, who also couldn’t care less about me. Every day she was suppose to be watching me, she went talking on the phone to her boyfriend or inviting him over just to have sex. She treated me like some sort of slave while she was over until I had to go to bed, day in and day out the same damn thing.

In school all the teachers pretty much hated my guts. They wouldn’t help me at all when I needed it on homework and when I was bullied the fucking pricks would just look the other way. At 14 I lost my virginity to a slut of a girl in high school who actually turned out to be a lesbian trying to get revenge on her ex by making her jealous. When this happened, my mother learned of it and made me do nothing but studying while I wasn’t at school, wanting to learn the value of life or some shit like that.

About a year later I found a collection of a shit ton of vinyl records from my grandpa on my mom’s side. All the collections were from the 60’s and 70’s. This had started me getting into classic rock, as I did the bullshit homework I was given from the prick teachers. I had also found a guitar with the records along with a record player. With the help of the internet I was able to teach myself to play the guitar when my mom wasn’t home and felt like doing something else. A year after that I started working and had also gotten into smoking, trying to act like the ‘cool kids’ at the school. What a joke that was.

My entire life I never really had friends as I spent all my extra time in high school either at home working on homework or working at my job. I’ve spent hundreds of dollars on the death sticks when later I found out they could help with my stress I was building from all the bullshit in my life. Yeah, I might be getting cancer from it, but at least I’m not spending thousands more going to some quack of a doctor telling me to spend hundreds on about 20 different medicines which won’t do shit.

When I was in my last year of high school I finally got a girlfriend. We started to go out as a couple at the beginning of the year. It wasn’t until later that year that I found out that just like my worthless father, she too was cheating on me with another guy. That’s when I pretty much lost my cool and ended up knocking that bitch out when she tried to lie to me saying I was seeing things. She didn’t press charges considering she knew she was the one at fault and that she deserved that much. The rest of the school year I just spent my time counting down the days till I could get out of this shitty town and go to college.

Now it’s the year 2013, I’m 21 and the economy is still in the shitter. Obama has won a second term in office and still hasn’t done anything to help the country. I’m here going to the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign trying to please my fucking mom by getting a degree in law, but instead spending my Friday nights getting drunk off my ass at the bars on Green Street.

One particular night I got so drunk that they threw me out of the bar. I staggered my way home. There I picked up my guitar and my Iphone and went to the Main Quad on campus thinking people would be there late at night (I thought this cause my dumb ass was drunk as all hell of course) with protest coming from my roommate yelling at me for waking him up and saying he had to get up early the next day for work. At the Quad I saw (or at least I thought I saw) a large white unicorn with wings glowing in the darkness. It had multicolor hair (I think it’s called that anyways) with a tattoo of a sun on its ass. For a while I thought it looked like something a small child would play with if it was a toy, but only if it was pink.

Even though I was in a drunken stupor, I noticed that there wasn’t anybody else in the Quad that late at night. I thought it to be strange that nobody else was there. I noticed then that the winged unicorn thingy started to look at me as if it was intelligent. It turned around and started to go through a portal it had created. But before doing so, it looked back at me, then motioned at the portal, as if it was telling me to go through the portal with it. Me being drunk and all, I was stupid enough to oblige it and follow it through the portal.

The next morning I awoke in a place I had never been to before. The sun was blaring in my eyes and I was apparently sleeping on some grass. I remember getting drunk off my ass and then nothing else. Because grass was all around me, I immediately thought that I tried playing at the Quad again in my drunkenness as it hadn’t been the first time. I looked up to the sky while I was still lying on the grass until I realized something. There was no noise around me.

Now, usually students use the Quad as sort of a shortcut to get to other places, even on the weekends when they needed to go to the university library or something. But it was completely quiet. All that could be heard were some small animals playing nearby. I finally looked up to see I was in a forest in some kind, but that wasn’t the first thing I found out about this new place.

While I was getting up, I took a good long look at my body. It was the body of a fucking horse! I had brown fur and a red tail. For some reason I also had a tattoo of a guitar on my ass. ‘Huh, don’t remember ever getting anything like that before, must’ve done it when I was drunk.’ I thought. In place of my hands were hooves. This was odd not only because I was now a horse, but the fact that I could feel my hands through my hooves. By that I mean I could literally feel each finger through the hoof. To test out if I could still use them, I crawled (I still couldn’t figure out how to walk in this new body) to a nearby stick. I reached my hoof out, and grabbed it like I would with a hand. Sure enough, I picked the stick up with my hoof.

After a while, I was able to get up and started to walk around very slowly. I had to figure out that in order to walk, I had to act like a monkey on its knuckles. For some reason it ended up feeling right doing so. While I was experimenting, I ended up finding out that my Iphone was apparently in a pocket that was made out of my skin (freaky eh?), I also ended up finding a box of 12 cigarettes in there as well, along with a lighter. ‘Shit, only 10 left. It’s gonna be hell when I run out of them.’

Nearby I found the guitar I ‘borrowed’ from my mom’s house when I went to college. I put my Iphone, box of cigs, and the lighter in my pocket and went over to pickup my guitar. I strapped it over my shoulder (I didn’t even know horses had shoulders) and went searching for any type of civilization nearby.
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Twilight Sparkle had just woken up for the day. Celestia’s sun was rising high into the air. Twilight smelled Spike cooking some pancakes downstairs. After combing her fur, mane and tail, then showering, she finally went down to eat. “Hey Spike, that smells really good, what is it?”

“Well, well, look who finally decided to wake up?” Spike said sarcastically, teasing Twilight for always waking up so late. Twilight only rolled her eyes at the comment. “Just kidding Twilight, we’re having pancakes.” Spike said with a smile.

“Well it smells delicious. I can’t wait to have some.” Twilight said with a smile. Right as Spike had put the plates and pancakes on the table, he had burped up a letter from the princess. “A letter? This early? I wonder what it says.”

Spike opened it up, cleared his throat, and began to speak. “Ahem. Dear Twilight Sparkle, I am writing you this letter to let you know that a new pony will be coming to Ponyville today and needs your help. He has had a very rough life and I wish for him to experience the joys that life has to offer. I want you and your friends to help him with these experiences by getting to know him and trying to get him to open up. From, Princess Celestia.”

“I wonder who this new pony is, and it’s sort of odd that the Princess won’t tell me what he looks like or anything. Oh well, I guess the Princess won’t mind if I ate breakfast first before searching for this new pony, right?” Twilight said, hoping for Spike to answer. He only looked at her blankly until realizing that she was waiting for him to answer.

“Oh, yeah, right Twilight. The Princess would never want you to search for a pony on an empty stomach.”

“Right, so let’s eat Spike.” Twilight said, then began to eat her breakfast while Spike offered her a cup of coffee for drinking.
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After about an hour of walking, I got to a town that seemed to be stuck in the 1400s or something. All the houses were made out of wood and had hay roofs. ‘Well, not like I’m going to get any way home if I don’t interact with this new world.’ I thought to myself. I started to walk into the town when out of nowhere a pink blur hit me. “Jesus fucking Christ, what was that?” I said out loud while I was recovering from what felt like a truck hitting me at 80 miles per hour.

“Hi! My name is Pinkie Pie! My Pinkie Sense was going off saying a new pony was coming today! You must be the new pony because I’ve never seen you here before and if you’ve never been here before *gasp* that must mean you’re not a local and must be coming into town which means I can throw you a party! Well bye new pony, I have to set up your ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ party! Byyeeeee.” And with that she was off just as fast as she came by.

“…. The fuck was that?” I said once again out loud. After walking around the new town and talking to some of the locals (how I loathed that), I was finally able to get to the town hall to find out where I was and how I could possibly get back to my own world. I had noticed that all around town that there were not only regular ponies, but ponies with horns and even ones with wings. ‘Huh, I wonder if that white one last night was just my imagination or if it really exists…’

When I reached the desk of the receptionist I saw a pony there sitting and working on what seemed to be a typewriter. She was a pink pony with a typewriter for a tattoo on her ass and black hair, with glasses. ‘Must be the secretary.’ I thought to myself.

After waiting a while for the secretary to look up, I finally coughed to get her attention. At first she didn’t acknowledge me. ‘Fucking bitch.’ I then began to cough louder a second time, which seemed to finally get her attention.

She looked up to see me and gave me an annoyed look. “May I help you?”

“Yes, I’m actually new in town and would like to see the mayor for some job and living opportunities here in town.” I said to her trying to be as nice as possible.

“I’m sorry but the mayor is very busy at the moment.”

“Oh, well, you wouldn’t mind if I looked inside to see if that’s true would you?”

“No, you can’t. Now please leave.”

“It would only take a second.”

“I’m sorry sir, please come back later.”

Finally I just said fuck it and went in anyways. “Sir! You can’t do that! I’ll call security!”

“Like I give a fuck.” She seemed to be taken back at me dropping the f-bomb, so I took that opportunity and went into the mayor’s office. Just as I opened the doors to the office, I saw what I expected to see. A large office where the mayor would work, and instead of doing actual work, the mayor was trying to bounce a ball off her nose. I looked back at the secretary with an annoyed glare, she became embarrassed and went back to doing her work at her desk.

When I had opened the door, the mayor lost concentration on the ball and it fell on her head. She then began to quickly put away the ball and try to act like she was working the entire time before she looked at me. “Hello, how may I help you?” The mayor acted out.

I closed the doors behind me so I could talk to her in private. “Hello mayor, I’m actually new to town and was wondering if there was someplace I was able to stay and get a job as well.” Once again, I was trying to act as nice as possible to the mayor so I wouldn’t be kicked out on my ass.

“Okay, so what is your name?” Fuck! I totally forgot a name! All the other ponies I had met so far had really weird names so I guess having a weird one like theirs is only natural. Come on, think! Think!

“Uh, my name… yes, my name…” I stuttered trying to think of something on the spot. She raised her eyebrow when she saw me stuttering, I knew I was going to be fucked if I didn’t think of something quick. “My name is uh… Fiery…” Come on Joseph think! Think! “Fiery… Strings?” I finally said.

“Fiery Strings… is that really your name?” She asked sensing that I made it up on the spot.

“Yes it is, part of the Strings family. Fiery Strings.” God that was an awful name, but it was sadly the only words that came to my head at the moment, no idea why though.

“Well Mr. Strings… I’m assuming that from the guitar on your back and that your Cutie Mark is a guitar, that you’re a guitarist of some kind?” A ‘Cutie Mark?’ The fuck is that?

“Err, yes… yes I am… I am totally a guitarist of some kind…” I said repeating her.

“Well Mr. Strings the only jobs that are open that I think you can fit are there is a position open for a pony that can play a musical instrument for events that Octavia Pie and Vinyl Scratch run, they’ve been asking for a third pony to help them for some time now since their last guitarist left them for the ‘big times’, only a matter of time before he falls hard on his flank realizing that it’s not that easy. The only other kind of job though would have nothing to do with your talent as it involves bucking apples on the Apple’s Family orchard.”

‘Bucking apples? The hell is that? You know what? At this point I don’t even want to know.’ “I’ll take the music job.” I replied to the mayor. ‘How hard can it be? Wait, Pie? Where have I heard that name before?’

“Very well, I will inform the two of them right away. Now, for your living arrangements. Since you took the job with Ms. Pie and Ms. Scratch, you will be living with them in the 3BKL house they have near here. If you wish I can show you the way to it.”

‘Well that was easy.’ “That would be lovely Ms. Mayor.” I said to her nicely, still afraid of somehow pissing her off by saying something stupid.

“Very well, if you follow me please.” She said to me, going around her desk and heading for the door. Once she opened the door she addressed her secretary. “Ms. Typist? I am going to escort Mr. Strings here to his new home. If anybody else comes by please tell them I am stepping out of my office for only a few moments.”

“Very well Ms. Mare, I’ll do that.” The secretary responded.

We walked for about 20 minutes before reaching the 2-story house that the two other musicians apparently lived in. What was weird was that unlike the other buildings I had seen, this one was very… modern. By that I mean it had plaster walls and a roof NOT made out of hay. It had glass windows and other things like the sort unlike the other buildings. “Well, here we are.” The mayor said to me. “I’ll leave you to greet yourself. I have other things I must attend to.” The mayor turned and walked away back to her office.

“Wait, what!?” I yelled to the mayor hoping to get her in time, but she was gone. ‘*sigh* Seems I’m going have to solo this, fucking bitch leaving me all on my own. I’ll have to make sure to get her back somehow.’ I thought to myself.

I knocked on the door and waited for a few seconds. I heard a voice from inside. “I’m coming!” It said. After hearing some footsteps (hoofsteps?) a white unicorn opened the door. This unicorn had blue jagged hair and some purple shades on. Her ‘Cutie Mark’ as I learned was some sort of note. Suddenly I heard her voice. “May I help you?”
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Well there’s chapter 1 of my new story, I’m sorry to have abruptly ended it like that but hopefully I can get some more in tomorrow as I write some more.