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Dark Lords and Ring Lords

by Dan_s Comments

Chapter 3: 3) Darth Bates - An Irrefutable Object (Season 1)

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Darth Bates - An Irrefutable Object (Season 1)
by Dan's Comments

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.


It seems an opportune time to visit my fellow 'exile', although her treatment by the Ponyvillians remains harsher than mine. That may also have to do with me not putting up with their xenophobic crap, and that I had a few advocates in town.

The zebra stares at me as I approach her home in the Everfree, drawing the wagon along behind me. Her expression grows wary as she realizes how tall she thinks I am. "Welcome stranger of the day, have you something more to say? The folks of Ponyville have said, I can return when they are dead."

"I have heard you have dark and evil powers, since I have actual dark and evil powers. I have a Cease and Desist Order for false advertising, and a question about your fee for teaching me your non-dark and non-evil powers."

"WHAT THE BUCK IS THIS?" comes from the town as my future apprentice found the similar missive, and the effective statement that despite her recent, best efforts, I am still alive.

The Zebra stares at me, clearly doubting my sanity.

Good grief, now I'm doing it.

She asks, "If such as you are playing games, then shall we not exchange our names?"

"I am Darth Bates, Jedi Knight, Dark Lord of the Sith, Owner/Operator of Bates' Insurance." I know I have a winner when she shies at that. Yes, see now the depth of my eeevul. I came to Equestria, and became an insurance salesman. Wahahah! Tremble before my malignancy and perfidy!

"NOOO! I'll pay my premiums, and lates as well, take me not to screaming Hell."

"We don't do the fire and brimstone anymore," I assure her.

"Ah," she replies.

"Not when we have all those little, old ladies with vacation slides," I tell her.

Her eyes bulge at that thought. "If it won't evoke your ire, I prefer brimstone and fire."

"There's always a critic," I comment, "You seemed quite out of sorts."

"In chasing me, the pony folk, walked amid the Poison Joke." She gestures at the caldron in her home. "If they have not trust in me, how will they trust my alchemy?"

"I think I have a solution. Then we can talk lessons," I tell her, "But let me tell you a little about all your new neighbors."
------------------------------

The insurance biz was pretty much what it was cracked up to be. I stood in the Ponyville lane and looked over the rather flattened house. "A giant, star bear?" I asked the owners. They and their neighbors nodded. I stifled the impulse to elongate the word, not nodded. I'd reserve that for dealing with Purple.

"An Ursa Minor," a slightly creepy unicorn said. Why she often followed me around town escaped me. And I didn't want to know. When something can give a Dark Lord of the Sith the willies, you don't delve.

Fortunately, there'd been very little breakage of the interior furnishings, but the ridgepole and most of the joists for the second floor were cracked. Powerful as the Force was in application, this was near the limits of my abilities. And I knew this universe. I'd be at a delicate point in the job, and Purple would show up to continue our dance.

Nothing for it, I realized as I concentrated. Back home I'd never manage this, but the buildings here seemed to know where they should be, like they were stored in a computer design somewhere and only needed to have damage 'undo'-ed. The building stood back up and the new ridgepole slid into place. Then the replacement floor joists. Then I drove the prepositioned nails home. The construction team had prefabbed all the pieces, enabling me, rather than a crane, to put the piece in place.

With that done, I slowly let the members settle, taking the load and checking for any discontinuities.

I was actually done before Purple showed up. "That's impossible!" she announced as the team went in to inspect the house. Ponies wearing hard hats always made me laugh.

"How so? This house was crushed, it is now standing. You must be a gnostic, 'I don't believe my eyes, I must only believe doctrine'."

Purple charged her horn, then yelped. Yes, I've been teasing her, mercilessly, but real pain will always be different. She didn't even notice me until I'd put a hand on her head and banished her pain.

"You should be in bed resting," I told her in my best, non-teasing, fatherly tone.

"This is a trick, like the house," she told me, and tried to pull away, but the effect also had a narcotic affect. She couldn't have stopped a determined toddler.

"Of course, it's called 'for your own good'. Seriously, without your horn, how do you expect to battle the next menace. Leave dealing with Sith Lords to Rarity, Applejack and Fluttershy."

Her eyes crossed as it registered on her. "Fluttershy?" she asked amid a yawn.

The team opened the place for the owners' inspection as Applejack and Fluttershy approached.

"Please take her back to the library and get her tucked in," I told them, "Fluttershy, please assure her you'll take care of the Evil, Vicious, Slavering Sith Lord." I pointed to myself so she'd get it.

She nodded, as Purple nodded off. Applejack carried her off, with Fluttershy trailing. I headed into the house to supervise the owners' inspection. Insurance fraud was not unknown to ponydom.
------------------------------

After my 'meet and greet' with Zecora, and finding she had a cure for their ailment, I went in search for my friends and their associates. I'd been lucky to find most of my friends at my first stop, Fluttershy's house. Convincing them to accept the help is my new challenge, but also easily accomplished.

Appletini stands on my open palm and looks at the collection of ingredients. "I gotta take a bath in that stuff," the tiny farmer asks.

"I'll see to it you're safe," Flutterguy says, blushes and hangs her head.

"This is from Zecora?" Appletini asked.

"Yes, she had to make up somehow for passing herself off as an evil enchantress who does evil dances, and looks in her eyes to put you in trances," I tell them, "She didn't even have a union card, how goodie-two-shoes can you get?"

The PinkSide makes some noises, but is just as unintelligible as she typically is.

"The spa might be the best place ta use these," Appletini admits, then she looks at me, "Getting Rainbow there is gonna take alla us, who's gonna tell Twi?"

"I will," I say as I set the miniaturized pony on Fluttershy's kitchen table. "Just understand, Applebloom is safe, she went towards Zecora's. It'll be a good start for Zecora."

I almost didn't hear Applejack's comment. "Weird, alien magic."

I kneel down so I am eye to eye with the tiny horse. "Applejack," I scold, "Zap Apples?"

Applejack scuffs at the table with a hoof and can't meet my gaze.

I carefully push her hat back off her head and rub between her ears. "There is no shame that Applebloom takes after your Grandmother and you don't. Anyplace needs dreamers, and people with their feet planted on the ground. You'll never do the incredible things your Grandmother did. But she and Applebloom desperately need somepony who likes the ordinary day-to-day job of running this place. None of my family could imagine the life I live. They made pipe, for sewer and water lines, day in, day out. Day in, day out, I wanted more out of life. But they didn't have to be ashamed of what they did, as long as they did it well. Neither do you."

I get a tiny nuzzle from the farm pony and a grudging smile. "I'll still pull her head outta the clouds if she gets too far."

"You should," I tell her, "But don't resent her if she tries again."

I head over to the embarrassed Flutterguy. "I think your voice is still as sexy as the rest of you."

Her cheeks become even pinker than her mane as she tries to hide within it.

I leave them as they collect the herbs and other ingredients for the cure. Back in town, in the library, Purple is predictably obsessing over finding the answer in a book. Here's an idea, ask the lady who warned you off yesterday, I want to shout at her.

"If Zecora didn't do this to us," Purple says, then raises her head, "That leaves -!"

I know an entrance cue when I hear one. I burst into the library with a flourish. "Zecora is not evil, I checked, she'd not a member of The League." Learning to speaking in Capitals is Very Important. First lesson in using the Force.

Purple turns around and I would have immediately lost her to the darkest part of the 'Dark' Side, if I'd been able to train her. "You!" She flips her floppy horn. "You did this to me!"

"I'll get Rarity!" Spike shouts and runs from the building. Who Rarity is going to save from whom is up in the air.

Ponies can bite, as well as strike with their hooves, and Purple is no exception. She's got about as much science to her attack as a Rancor on crystals, but she's just as furious. And Purple shows every indication she intends to tear my heart out through my chest with her teeth. She manages to get in close enough to take a bite out of my shirt. Telling her 'I liked that shirt' is likely to redouble her murderous tendencies. I'm usually glad to provide Purple an outlet to her suppressed anger, but the loss of her magic has really driven her over the edge. She manages several more bites, tearing strips out of my shirt, then worrying the strips into confetti. She also makes me glad I left my cloak behind.

She jumps and bites, catching my belt and pants, not biting through the cloth, like the shirt, but hanging on and pulling, presumably to tie me to an anchor point to enable more convenient pummeling.

"Oh my, I wish I'd thought of that," Rarity the Bantha arrives.

Purple freezes as she realizes, I'm barechested due to her efforts and she's growling and struggling like a mad thing trying to pull my pants over my boots.

She releases my pants, and looks from me to 'Hairity' with a expression of total horror on her face. "It isn't what it looks like!" she shouts.

"It isn't?" I ask and put on my most desolate expression, "You said you loved me!" I wail as I hike up my pants and dash from the room.

I hear 'Hairity's', "Darling, you shouldn't trifle with his affections." Before I'm too far away to hear Purple's response.

I stop by Zecora's on my way back home. "What were you facing that did all that?" the zebra asks as she looks me up and down, "Did it start from the top and eat your hat?" Applebloom stops and also stares at my appearance.

"Just another satisfied customer," I tell her, "I think you should head over to the spa, and supervise the cure. I've got them convinced you aren't going to turn them all into multicolored ponies."

Zecora snickers and calls to Applebloom to follow. The pair chat as they head towards the spa. Though both glance over their shoulders at me, and laugh or giggle. Ah, throwing my dignity to the wind to bring new friends together. Such is my lot.

Who am I kidding, I enjoy taking it as much as I enjoy dishing it out. And Purple will never live it down.

It's later that night when I get a visitor at my camp in the old castle in the Everfree.

"Darth Bates?" Rarity asks, restored and looking very chipper. Unusual for her, she's wearing saddle bags.

"Here," I tell her as I walk out into the underground audience hall.

She rises up on her hind legs to give me a hug. "None the worse for wear I trust?" she asks.

"A bit more exciting than I wanted, but not too bad," I tell her.

"Twilight feels terrible about what happened," Rarity says.

It would be impolite to call her a liar. The only thing Purple regrets is she didn't finish me off, or that she was caught in that embarrassing situation.

"At least one thing good came out of this . . . event," she says as she removes the contents of her saddlebag.

The shirt is a near duplicate of the one Purple destroyed. Except it is light gray with indigo stripes at the wrist, neck and bottom. I also note that her mane and coat are cut a good deal closer that is her usual wont. "Thank you," I tell her.

She beams. "You have such a necessity for simplicity, I just had to get you into a Rarity-original. Especially after what happened to yours."

"Thank you, it is much appreciated," I tell her.

She looks at me strangely. "I must admit, I don't approve of you teasing Twilight the way that you do."

"She desperately needs forging. But unlike you, she has a problem admitting that she doesn't know everything," I tell Rarity, "Arrogance like that has been the cause of more evil in this universe, than the moustache-twirling maniacs. After all, without thousands of people like Twilight, absolutely certain of the rightness of their perceptions, the moustache-twirlers would be nuts screaming to noone on a streetcorner."

"You think Twilight is evil?" she asks.

"With her surety, she could become so without anyone noticing," I tell her, "Because you trust her, trust her desire to do good. But what happens if that desire runs into someone who doesn't wish to be improved, is happy being unhappy or ignorant? When does being sure you know what's best for someone, change to forcing them to conform? If you cannot allow people to be their imperfect selves, you are a tyrant, no matter how noble your ideals."

Rarity nods. "I do wish you'd choose another way."

"I have several ways already running. Choosing you and Princess Luna as students, and allowing her to overreact to playground teasing. All those are elements of my plans. And Twilight is aware of them."

Rarity nods and trots back home, leaving me to try on her gift. The fabric is as soft as down, and fits me well. I have never doubted Rarity's craftsmareship, but fashion is one of those areas I treasure my ignorance of.
------------------------------

Ponyville town square, two days after my talk with Zecora, I face the Elements of Harmony all restored and out for a walk, I mean VENGENCE! Pointpony, and leader of the formation glares at me. Her hatred palpable, her intent my destruction. The PinkSide waves at me. Lady Rarity, Applejack and Flutters give me apologetic looks. Trashtalk is as always, ready and eager for the fight.

"Uh, Purple," I offer.

"Twilight," she shouts back and grits her teeth.

"Even if you kill me, there is no twilight, only the endless cycle of rebirth, Purple," I say, and I can hear her grinding her teeth, "You got something in your teeth, do you really want the bards to sing about 'Purple the Invincible defeated Darth Bates with something stuck in her teeth'? Now do you?"

"AUGH!" she screams and rubs her teeth with her hooves. Most of the others put hooves to their faces as their obsessive warleader falls to trivialities. She of all ponies should know the history books always clean stuff like that up.

I love this girl, she's so enthusiastic, and yet, so gullible. If I didn't already have an apprentice, I'd collect her. Aw hell, I never followed that one master-one apprentice garbage, why start now?
------------------------------

Winding up where I am now was the result of a rare collaboration between the Sith and the Jedi when my master and I didn't show the proper deference to their August Force. Their assassin leveled the building we and about fifty other people were in. That's overkill, considering we never physically harmed anyone, it seemed a bit extreme. Dignity was always a fair target, but you can't eat dignity. Although the masters of the Jedi and Sith Councils seemed to breathe it, it explains their behavior: oxygen deprivation.

The Force again had the last laugh, it took my master into itself, and it sent me to this amazing place full of overly excitable, addlepated creatures. Messing with them is so much fun. It even gave me lots of play things. Ah I remember my first recruit, right after I arrived.
------------------------------

"MONSTER!" the weird creature with the wings and horn screeched as its vaporous monsters dissolved under the assault of bolts of Force lightning. The black and blue pegacorn thing became considerably more black and blue as I barraged it with chunks of loose stone and timbers. The occasional lightning bolt mixed in certainly kept it busy and blew down whatever shield she tried to raise. Her? From the pitch and timbre of screams, I think it was a her. She was kinda cute, in a helpless and pathetic, horsey kind of way. Like a purse dog that thinks it's a guard dog. They still bite, but mostly they're 90% noise by weight. It also helped that my illusion of myself took all the blows she aimed at it, leaving me free and clear to attack.

"No more please! I surrender!" The horse-thing shrieked, and my latest barrage hung in midair. She stared in fear and amazement at my seeming placidly looking at her. She carefully reached out a hoof and tested one of the rocks. It might well have been set in a wall for all the give it had.

It is amazing what you can do with both sides of the Force working in concert.

"You shall pledge eternal fealty to me, and your soul is forfeit," I intoned. Soul talk always wowed the aboriginal locals.

"I, I shall," she said and bowed her head to me. I caught the expression she had hidden from my seeming. I'd already sensed her plans for treachery. She was the perfect Sith apprentice. Better than I was.

"I proclaim you Darth Biter, for your teeth and ferocity. And so you may never supplant me as master! Bwahahaha!" I laughed, some jokes are classics.

"How would that prevent . . . ?" she asked, and her eyes crossed.

It's those little moments of realization that always shall I live for.

"YOU -!" she shrieked, then fell silent as the Force lightning crackled around my seeming.

"Am your Master," I told her, no shriek, no pure rage, just a silky smooth tone laced with menace. Composites are always superior to unalloyed materials.

She bowed again and she looked around the castle. "Can you restore this place to its former glory?" Her tone was still challenging.

"In time," I said, "Can you?"

"Why? Are not the ruins glorious?" she asked. And typical of the sense of humor of the universe, just as I stepped into place within my seeming, the skies opened up on us.

My saber generates a screen as well as a blade, another adjustment that the Jedi and Sith despised. The rain and sleet sizzled as they struck the straw -yellow field over my head. My bedraggled, horsey apprentice looked plaintively at me. I extended my power to shunt aside the rain and sleet pouring down on her.

"Thank you, I think there is a dry place farther on," she offered, "This way."

She led me down to the catacombs under the palace. I ignored the others who had doubtless also sought shelter from the storm. Although my apprentice growled at the invasion, I bade her rest. Healing her numerous injuries also let me weave a calming effect into her. I sensed great anger in her, and while it made her foolish, I could cool and hammer it into place. I did a better job than I knew.

The next morning, along with a glorious sunrise, I had another surprise awaiting me.
------------------------------

The PinkSide stood up, nudged Trashtalk awake and they both got in formation. She is about to berate me for the segue.

"You tricked me!" Purple shouts across the town square as she puts away the pocket mirror.

"Anger is a weapon most easily used by your opponent," I call back, "You must accept your place in the universe and the minor difficulties you will face no matter which path you travel. You should go home and contemplate that my student. My own plans may be put aside to foster your spiritual growth," I tell her in my best 'old, wise professor' tone. She HATES being called 'my student'.

"We're gonna kick your butt and then we'll go home!" Trashtalk says takes a midair stance that just invites a blaster bolt to the belly.

But my strikes are sharper. "Trashtalk, you really should abandon your fascination with my sexual prowess. You are completely uninteresting to me. Not with dreamboats like Rarity, Applejack and Fluttershy to compare with. Should be Lady Rarity, Applejane and Flutterfancy but seeing their inner loveliness is my special power. Using it on you, not so much."

Trashtalk turns more shades of purple than exist on Purple herself. Fluttershy hides her face in her mane. Rarity blushes furiously. Applejack pulls the front of her hat down a bit.

"Besides, I'm not into little boys," I add.

Cue salvo of face hoofs, and the incoming pegasus.
------------------------------

I'd seen spectacular sunrises do amazing things to people. I'd seen enough 'evil side' transformations to recognize the reversion from one. So that wasn't the surprise that accompanied the spectacular sunrise on my first morning in Equestria. The little, blue pegacorn who huddled in the nest of my former and likely never to return apprentice looked at me fearfully and shivered. I never saw any creature who both so desperately needed a hug in its life, and would have so welcomed one.

Yes, I thought she was completely adorable. I've stepped into the 'dark side'. I don't swim around in it looking for puppies to kick. She relaxed into my grip as I enfolded her, drying off her tears and holding her tight against me. She nuzzled me, and burst into tears again. Happy tears this time. It took some time for the waterworks to stop, and me to get her name 'Luna'. I'd find out later it was 'Princess Luna' but that was for later.

"What are you doing here?" she asked shyly.

"I was killed," I told her, "And awoke here. I suspect that the Force thought you had need of me, so here I am."

"Force?" she asked.

Ah HA! New apprentice, that was the surprise.

"I can only explain it to a disciple. Learning just a little can cause you to become, well, a little crazy," I told her.

She gulped and nodded. "I want to learn. And," cue the waterworks as she continued, "I don't have anywhere else to go." She sobbed in my arms for a good hour.

I could sense she was both lying, and she believed what she was saying. The usual explanation for the dichotomy was that the homecoming would require submission that pride could not stand, or would require experiencing forgiveness that could not be accepted. Well, we had time, and I had a student. The Force would teach her about growth, and she'd screw up often enough that she'd have to get used to my forgiveness. She'd soon lose the arrogant pride and replace it with pride of accomplishment, and she'd learn that forgiveness is for the person giving it, not the person receiving it.
------------------------------

Trashtalk's infuriated charge across the square stops in mid flight. I vanish from sight and dozens of parchments and quills appear scattered about the town square. Why didn't Purple ambush me on the way in or the way out of town? Does she want her humiliation public?

"Everypony," my voice booms across the square, "Special one-time offer, 30 bits for a policy with a 300 bit deductible, and 500 bits for a no deductible policy that covers all damage caused during this battle, and as an added bonus, it will also cover any damage incurred during my inevitable revenge!"

Purple beats her head against a tree as ponies storm out of their cellars to snatch up contracts and sign them.

"What if we don't need coverage for your revenge?" a voice calls.

"Pinkie Pie!" Purple shouts at her ally's `betrayal`.

"It's an added rider, no discounts," I tell her.

"Meany!"

"Rarity!" Purple squeals on spotting another of her group clustering around a pack of contracts.

"What, darling? I must look out for my shop," she replies.

"Lady Rarity, your policy already covers battle damage as a member of the Elements of Harmony, as well a personal testimonial from me to your disgruntled customers, for any delays brought on due to those duties."

I'd only had to do that once, and the 'disgruntled customer', one Sapphire Shores, hired me as a bouncer for her next show.

"Oh, dear, well, thank you," she says and trots back to the group, "Do forgive me. The heat of the moment."

"Of course, I'd never cheat a paying client," I tell her, then turn and shout, "Yes, Spike, the library is covered too." The little dragon gives a thumbs up and closes the door.

If Purple could see me, she'd blast me into a billion pieces and jump up and down on the dust. But she can't, so she nears ignition. Ah I remember her first ignition, it was so gratifying.
------------------------------

My future apprentice was not the only one with misplaced anger issues. As I trained her, I didn't tease Luna that her anger was trivial. What pinches my feet may not seem important, but the resulting blisters are very important to me.

Luna stood atop the water, holding several large globules of water suspended. I'd never met anyone as adept at the basics of Force manipulation, possibly a side effect of being able to manipulate 'magic' at an instinctive level. Nor had I met anyone as prone to lose concentration and start channeling the passionate side.

"So, tell me about the other ponies," I said.

The globules hit the surface and splashed her. She tottered on the surface and used her wings to remain above. She gave me a guilty look as she stepped down on the rippling surface. Wings weren't supposed to be used. "They played in my sister's day, and no matter how beautiful I made the night," she said her voice growing harsh as she related the memory, "They ignored my efforts. Ignored my night. Ignored the beauty." She stomped on the water. The 'Dark' side was growing strong in her.

"Could the beauty of the night have inspired some other activity?" I asked.

"What do you mean?" she asked. Her anger manifest and the beginnings of her transformation back to Nightmare Moon displayed.

"Isn't there something ponies only do at night, alone, sealed up in their houses?" I asked.

Her eyes lost the cat's iris as they went wide and her knees wobbled as she struggled to maintain control.

"Something that looking at your night and feeling the romance of its craft and beauty, that they might -"

Splash!

Thought you hadn't thought about that. I hauled my stunned and sodden apprentice from the water.

"So, were they or weren't they appreciating your night?" I asked and levitated several towels to rub her dry.

Her utterly mortified expression and blush of a thoroughly reverted Luna told me she was now reconsidering that she in fact was appreciated, even venerated, just not in a way you discussed in front of the children. The very children who came about because of her influence and efforts. Like I said, these ponies are dreadfully cute as they lose their self-conscious attitudes.
------------------------------

"AUGH!" And before the battle is truly begun, Purple takes her phoenix form and arrows past the suspended Trashtalk.

I run the course I'd laid out several days earlier. Purple is in hot pursuit, with most of her delegation in more distant pursuit.

"Guys!" Trashtalk calls as she strains at her Force bonds, wings blurring into invisibility, "I'm kind of stuck here. GUYS! GUYS!"

The edge of the reservoir is perfect. The flaming meteor is streaking straight towards me. She has got to learn about illusions. She hits the seeming at full force, continues on about a third of the way across the reservoir, and goes from furious phoenix, to confused and exhausted pony standing on water. I haven't trained her like I had Luna.

Splash.

"That's it, Green," I tell the pony who helps me carry Purple to shore.

"That's Pinkie," she says.

"I'm sorry, I'm color-blind," I tell her. The others facehoof.

"Then how do you know Twilight is purple?" she asks as the others cluster around their friend.

"It was printed on the box she came in," I reply and vanish before they can think to hogtie me.

"I'll get you for this," Purple moans as she tries and fails to stand.

"That's what your boyfriend Inky Pete said," I reply from a safe distance.

"He's not my -!" she shouts, "Oh why bother?" She sinks down to the ground.

I've finished torturing my soon to be apprentice, now I have another pony to infuriate. Back to the center of Ponyville.

"Guys, I'm still kinda stuck here," Trashtalk calls as she hangs in midair. She frantically whirls limbs and wings. "And now I'm upside down."

"Now, you must pay for all the indignities you have heaped upon me," I tell Trashtalk as I appear before her ensnared form.

Her wings and legs blur as she tries to find purchase on the air against my Force bindings. No chance.

"I'm not afraid of you!" she says, while doing anything and everything to get loose.

"You will be," I promise her, "You will be."
------------------------------

Fighting is a subtle art, which Jedi and Sith seem to always see as a club, rather than a scalpel. My master had a holocron that contained the musing on the Force of a Sith Master even screwier than he was. But contained within was a battle medication unlike any that anyone in the entire galaxy had ever seen. All instructional videos, of the art in action. I'm ashamed to admit I devoured every bit of it, since the usual Jedi or Sith tactic is whip out a lightsaber and cut off an arm, or cut your target in half. Useful, but not if you want to take prisoners. You know, arrest people and keep them intact for questioning or trial? Fighting someone who is clearly out of their head by cutting off a limb does not give them any reason to help you. A few bruises are a lot easier to apologize for/explain away, and done properly, are fully healed up before the trial. A lopped off stump usually gets the jury to sway against the Jedi, even with mind tricks.

Then there's the entire point of psychological combat. Of doing something personally devastating, which others may not understand, and may even think of as a benefit.

Trashtalk attacked me the first time I walked into Ponyville, after Purple, I have set special store in humiliating her.
------------------------------

"Who do you think you are? A spy?" the rainbow-maned creature accosted me.

"Merely a traveler seeking to exchange currency for foodstuffs," I replied, stepping around the flying creature, only to have my way blocked again. My current apprentice was a growing pony and needed a few of the comforts of home.

"Yeah, well prove it," it said as it poked me in the chest with its hoof, "I think you're working for Nightmare Moon. I think you're hiding her from us. I think -"

"I doubt that very much," I replied and smiled at the creature, "And keep your sexual advances and appendages to yourself."

I took advantage of its discombobulation to step around and continue to the stalls selling fresh food. Blankets and toys would come later, as would a trip to the library. But the produce and baked goods all smelled wonderful, and I had a small cache of valuable crystals and precious metals, which seemed to correspond to their currency.

"Pardon me, do you know of a place I could get these exchanged for local currency?" I asked the horse wearing the odd hat.

Then the other one slammed into me. "I'm not through talking to you."

The valuables went flying.

"Rainbow!" the hat wearer complained, "What'd he do?"

"He's a spy for Nightmare Moon," the pegasus told the hat wearer.

"Too right," I told them, "I've been searching for the paranoid and violent, and I've found one."

"See!"

The hat wearer covered her face with her hat. "He's talkin' 'bout you Rainbow."

"Rainbow? I don't see it. I was going to call it Trashtalk," I told the hat wearer, "Now, since it'll be following me around, I'll have to wash its mouth out with soap. You can't have your fanclub make a bad impression on folks now can you?"

The hat wearer began giggling, and Trashtalk only ran when she saw the soap coming.
------------------------------

Ah, memories. I've improved my technique since then. I'm invisible again, as the five mares meander back from the reservoir towards the center of town. They accelerate as soon as they hear the whimpering laments of Trashtalk. They don't spot her for the cloud of ponies, flying and not, surrounding her. Staring at her. Talking about her. Being the center of attention is suddenly not what she wants. Too bad.

I grin as the 'heroes' force their way through the crowd.

"Rainbow!" Rarity gasps in utter shock.

"Don't look at me!" Trashtalk whines and tries to hide herself despite hanging in midair.

"You're, you're, you're," Rarity gulps before she can continue, "You're gorgeous!"

And Trashtalk lets out a heart-wrenching wail.

Her multicolored tail is braided into a pattern like the local rattlesnakes, her mane is likewise styled in highest fashion. Eyelashes extended, lipstick expertly applied and of course a bit of blush. She is a marvelous work of art, even if I do say so myself. But I didn't have to, the harshest critic of such things, Lady Rarity, already did.

Purple shakes off the near trance she found herself in on gazing at the most splendid example of pegasus marehood. "Well, we can get you all cleaned up," Purple suggests.

Not against Sith Alchemy you won't.

"It won't wash off, it has to wear off, and it'll take weeks," Trashtalk wails as she raises her perfectly hooficured and painted hooves to cover her face. The royal gold fleur de lies standing out against the seven color stripes to mimic her mane and tail.

"That has to wear off, in weeks?" Rarity asks, and looks around wide-eyed and desperate. "Where is he? Where is he? Where is he?" she asks as she dashes about searching.

While Lady Rarity is hunting for me, Purple is planning my slow dismemberment, Trashtalk is contemplating hiding indoors for the rest of her life, The PinkSide, Applejack and Fluttershy are all looking very pleased with themselves. Or enjoying the comeuppance of Trashtalk.

With a smile in my heart, I move off silently. Such a good day today, setting up for the ultimate victory.

"I kin' set y'all up with some nice stallion, genteel," Applejack says, "Y'all even smell purdy."

"My life is over!" Trashtalk wails.
------------------------------

There might be some who'd question my wisdom in splitting the Elements of Harmony against each other. The truth is, I did it for laughs, and it was far easier than most of the tricks I've pulled on Jedi and Sith. Besides, that kind of ruthless arrogance of too many of my fellow Force users rankled me. I was not going to put up with it in my new home.
------------------------------

While the Bearers are busy consoling their sixth member for suddenly becoming the most fashionably stylish pony of the year, ah good, the camera kid has taken his shots and withdrawn unseen, I approach a few of the market stalls, becoming visible only long enough to purchase my supplies.

Applebloom and Big Macintosh think the day's activities are hilarious, but they're some of the few in on the joke. Carrot Top, Lyra and BonBon are all ambivalent, but money is money and I did help with the wind storm that damaged how they made their living. A storm the local weather team failed to compensate for properly.

I have much to consider on my walk back.
------------------------------

Cutting Applejack and Flutters out from the herd was accomplished a few days after I chased Trashtalk out of Ponyville with a bar of soap. And began during my search for more and different foodstuffs for me and my rapidly growing apprentice.

The apple trees I'd found were too uniformly spaced and protected by a fence. I realized it was an orchard, although there seemed no evidence of the cultivation like I'd seem farther on and closer to the house. I wondered if they were lying fallow. And if so, could they be scavenged?

Then came the screams of several, little girls and the soft noise of many wings.

Fruit - bats? Oh, my master would have loved this place. They hovered briefly around one location and dispersed to recongregate when the three-voiced shriek sounded from the hole in the ground.

I let off a noise of my own, with a fair amount of it in the ultrasonic where the bats' echolocation would pick it up. They fled faster than Trashtalk had from the soap. Looking down into the hole, I saw nothing. A bit of ball lightning lowered into the hole and quite a ways down, were three fillies clinging to a piece of wreckage wedged against both sides of the hole. They stared up at the ball lightning, and past it to me. I think at that moment they were more afraid of me, than they were of falling the rest of the way down the hole.

"What is your ransom?" I called down.

"Ransom?" one of them squeaked.

"What would someone pay for your return?" I answered.

"We haven't got any money," another one called up.

"What would SOMEONE pay for your return?" I called down, "A dark knight works for redress, who will provide it?" I'd already gotten a reasonable grip on all three of them, so they wouldn't be falling and I could pull them all up at will. But sending confusing messages was part of the fun.

There was a fiercely whispered debate, all the while I stared down into the hole. "Say, those bats good to eat?" I asked, "They're coming back."

That elicited another trio-shriek, and the offer followed hard after,"A kiss from the prettiest mare around!" came the squeaky reply, and more furious whispering.

The argument was sufficiently intense, and my handling sufficiently smooth and steady that the argument continued even after they were out in the clear air and away from the hole. They were kids, in appearance and in behavior.

"SILENCE!" I boomed and added a crack of thunder for punctuation. I was now facing three, terrified fillies clinging to each other rather than the wreckage and staring in horror at me. I whispered the next, now that I had their undivided attention. "If this is an attempt at deception, I shall twist your bodies and souls into a form so hideous, even its name would cause the faint-hearted to expire."

I didn't think their eyes could get any bigger.

"Is that house where I shall receive my reward?" I whispered.

The yellow one with the hair bow stuck her hoof in the mouth of the little unicorn, and nodded. The unicorn glared and growled at her friend. I raised an eyebrow, and hairbow grinned as wide, and disingenuously, as she could.

During the walk over, well I walked, they floated in a bubble, they calmed down enough to grouse. "We can walk on our own you know," the little pegasus complained.

"HA! And you would escape and claim you rescued yourselves and I was entitled to no reward," I said, "I scoff at your transparent trickery."

"Then can you carry me separately, I can't take much more," she said and glared at her two traveling companions, who were still locked into their argument. I got the distinct feeling who was the 'prettiest mare around' was up for some debate, and the pair were fierce partisans of their own faction.

"Enough!" I said, which had all three silent, wide-eyed and clutching each other. Separating the pegasus from the others, I held her suspended close to my face. "You have trifled with me for the last time, fall forever flying one!" I threw her high into the air. The other two screamed. The pegasus squealed in fear for a few moments as she wildly waved hoof and wing in her zero-g simulation, and then adapted and was soon hollering with enthusiasm. "See, your companion cries out endlessly, what shall be your fate?"

"I think she's -" Hairbow started, only to get hoof in mouth disease from the unicorn.

"Oh she's terrified, really terrified, and we've learned our lesson," the unicorn assured me, and glared at her friend. "Applebloom thinks she's terrified too." She gave just as wide and disingenuous a grin as her ally had.

Applebloom glared at the unicorn. I turned and continued my march with the pegasus making enough delighted noises she drown out the now-two-way argument. The butter-colored, adult pegasus who approached us looked at the happily soaring, little pegasus, then at my captives.

"I'm so glad your safe," she said, "Angel told me what happened, but when I got there, you were gone." She fluttered over and smiled at me. "Thank you for saving them."

"You are welcome, ma'am," I told her and bowed slightly. She smiled. Again, another cute one.

"Say, Mister," the unicorn said.

"Darth," I replied.

"Is that your name? Darth?" Hairbow asked.

"Darth is my title, like Mister or Miss or Lord," I told them as I walked.

"Ah, what's your name, Darth?" the unicorn asked.

"I am The Shadow that Slays in the Night -"

"Eep." The yellow pegasus hid under her wings.

" - The Cancer that Devours All Souls -"

The two fillies were whimpering along with the adult.

" -The Teeth that Grind the Mountains and the Sea -"

"No more," the yellow pegasus pleaded.

" - The Gnashing of Tooth and Talon in the Outer Darkness Where Insanity Holds Court over Death, Hopelessness and Mayhem," I told them, "At least my parents didn't name me 'Sue'."

There was a loud clunk as three paradigms tried to shift without a clutch. The little pegasus was still whooping through acrobatic maneuvers that would have made a toupee air-sick.

The yellow pegasus recovered first. "So you aren't, The Gnashing of Tooth and Talon in the Outer Darkness Where Insanity Holds Court over Death, Hopelessness and Mayhem the Shadow that Slays in the Night the Cancer that Devours All Souls the Teeth that Grind the Mountains and the Sea?" She took a deep breath after saying it in one go.

This one has some brains I realized.

"Of course not, that would be silly," I told her.

"So what do people call you?" the yellow pegasus asked.

"My enemies call me." And I let out a disturbing and very liquid gurgle. "When I was the apprentice, I went by 'Darth Bates', now that I am the master, and have a student, I hadn't considered a name change."

"How about 'Fluffy'?" the unicorn suggested. The others snickered slightly, except for the one high above who would be completely airsick if she paused to consider the aerobatics she was doing.

"Yes, Fluffy, the Dark Lord of the Sith and Jedi Knight." The thunder crackled. "Well suits me," I told them. There was that clunking sound again as I kept walking.

"Um, excuse me, do you know what 'fluffy' means?" the yellow pegasus asked.

"Light, insubstantial particles," I replied.

"Well, yes," the pegasus said.

I took on a menacing pose. "That is what I am, slipping unseen through the world, awaiting in shadows, ever-present but concealed."

The yellow pegasus had both hooves covering her face, and was making a sound like the mixer one of the younglings had 'fixed'. When we managed to get the badly melted case open, the innards had ground themselves to powder.

"Nay, save your tears," I told her, sounding incredible conceited, uh, magnanimous, "If it is too terrifying a sobriquet, you may still address me as Darth Bates. I will attach no malice to your actions."

Even then I knew I was laying it on thick, but I wanted the locals utterly confused about me. I wanted the whole mishmash to arrive at once with the local authorities having no frackin' idea what I was, whose side I was on, or what I wanted. I.e., 'Why does Celestia want him watched? He needs to be looked after!'

"So, they argue the point, but are you the pegasus' ransom?" I asked.

She 'eep'ed again, and stared in fright. "Ransom? Me?" her voice quavered in fear. But she had made the appropriate connection without my prompting. She was too frightened to leap into the air and escape.

Then she proved her intellect again, by noting that my 'captive' was having the time of her life swooping and zooming, and whooping with joy as her tiny wings let her perform flight maneuvers like a hummingbird, with the limits of her captivity. "What ransom did you demand?" she asked, still fearful but warming to me.

I could only guess that flight was the little pegasus' dream, and I was giving her a good taste of it.

" 'A kiss from the prettiest mare around'," I intoned as menacingly as I could.

The yellow pegasus cowered, but looked at me with great, watery eyes, "Me?"

"Are you willing to pay her ransom?" I asked, my aura of menace just from my experience, not enhanced by the Force.

She squeaked and hid most of her face in her mane, but the part I could see was blushing furiously. She nodded and made an affirmative noise.

I brushed her mane aside, took her head in my hands and kissed her very gently . . . to start with. When she started eagerly kissing back I upped the ante, then she did, and so on. Considering how shy she seemed, the tongue touching my teeth and gums, then playing tag with my tongue was unexpected. A single touch or stroke, then pulling back, only to touch or stroke from another direction.

When she finally broke for air. Jedi breath control skills. She was grinning at me. "Hi," she said happily.

I was about to agree, when I decided to get farther into her good graces. "I think your ransomee is enjoying her captivity, so I will allow you to command her release."

She grinned and nodded. I had also sensed a great well of anger in her. There were Jedi techniques she could benefit from, as well as having someone to talk with my apprentice. The isolation favored by the Jedi always bothered me. Carefully selected other people were often an excellent cure for ailments of the soul.

Then she saw the almost worshipful expression on the three fillies. She looked around in a panic and fled as if the entire Mandalorian army were after her. I suspected I'd see her again.
------------------------------

After my little shopping trip/makeover a.k.a. `battle`, I arrive back at the Castle of the Pony Sisters, least secret lair in the history of villainy. There's a big difference between keeping a secret, and people flat out not caring.

My apprentice is sitting in the courtyard garden, a hoof raised and covered with birdseed. Food for birds, in this place I bet they'd have seeds for growing birds.

She looks like a statue, until you get close enough to listen. "Welcome my little friends, please eat all you wish, but let others do the same."

A while ago, she'd started talking real LOUD for some unbelievable reason. Fluttershy and I put a stop to that with this exercise. It is also useful in teaching her patience and daintiness, another Fluttershy addition. She could now refill her hoof with seed slowly enough that it doesn't scatter the birds.

"Welcome back," she says as I draw close. A few of the more skittish flutter, but none abandon their perch. A major improvement from a voice that would scare off bears a few weeks ago. In other lessons, we are refining that to an art as well. Waste not, want not. She blushes slightly as I smile, then she continues looking at the birds coming and going. Her expression is one of simple joy. Something I'd seen on few Jedi, and only in the form of Schadenfreude on too many Sith. When joy at the patterns and rhythms of the natural world cannot inspire and humble, then you are truly lost. My apprentice had been, and I and my carefully selected team had drawn her back from the abyss. Nightmare Moon is gone. Now I just have to help my student ensure she stays dead.

I get close enough for her to nuzzle my hand without disturbing her hoofful of birds.

"You have been teasing Our Sister's student, again," she says, her disapproval manifest.

"Are you prepared to be dragged before your sister and the whole royal court by your sister's overzealous student?" I ask, and watch her horror grow. "So I will continue to distract her, while you master yourself, and I can arrange a face to face meeting at a time and place of your choosing."

She nods.

"Dismiss your friends, we have more practicing to do," I tell her.

She concentrates for a moment. The birds bow and fly off.

I consider how I collected my second ally.
------------------------------

The argument over 'prettiest mare' had not been decided by the time we arrived at the Apple residence. The pegasus, I now knew was Fluttershy and who I kept calling Flutter-'some appropriate endearment', had rejoined us as the trio, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Applebloom, a.k.a. the Cutie Mark Crusaders, continued to bicker about who indeed was the prettiest mare. Fluttershy kept glancing at me and blushing, and the trio of youngsters were championing their favorites. While someone called Rainbow Dash was the most awesomest, I never heard her described as beautiful. I was growing rather interested in meeting Applejack. Even factoring in her supporter's exaggerations, she sounded intriguing. And if she was anything like Fluttershy, or Luna, I had a bit I could teach her. 'Friendship' seemed a major currency here. Rarity sounded like more work.

"Applebloom!" the apple seller from my encounter with Trashtalk charged up. She seems somewhat distraught by the situation.

Fluttershy 'helped' the situation, "Applejack, you'll have to ransom Applebloom. 'A kiss from the prettiest mare around'."

Applejack's eyes narrowed. "A kiss, eh," she turned her tail to me and swivels her hips, "I'll kiss ya all right."

The blow was so telegraphed, that I could step out of the way of it. It's also an all-or-nothing action, so it not hitting, and me kneeling next to her caught her flat footed (hoofed?).

"Fight for your loved one, I like that," I said before I kissed her. I also used a Sith trick to fire off about 82% of her pleasure centers. If the Jedi ever learned that, they'd be a lot more popular. As an external cue, I sent her hat flying off as her mane suddenly stood on end of its own accord.

Her tail flying up in the air I had absolutely nothing to do with. That's also why I left those other 18% of her pleasure centers untouched. There's subtle manipulation, and then there's mental rape.

Applejack was a good deal more aggressive than Fluttershy. She used her superior strength to knock me over, although she had a foreleg cushioning my head when she pushed me to the ground. If some of the Sith, or Jedi had showed half the aggression or skill in 'dueling' as evidenced by Applejack, my life would have been a whole lot more interesting and a lot shorter.

When she broke the kiss after having delightfully subdued me, she smiled and asked, "Enough to ransom mah sister?"

"I think you have a credit blance, balance, of seven to nine rescues," I replied.

She nuzzled me and gave a coquette's smile. "Lahke to try an even dozen?"

"And have you buck me in the head for my impertinence? No thank you." I released the three filles to Applejack and Fluttershy.

"What about Rarity!?" Sweetie Belle squeaked.

"What do you think?" I asked Fluttershy and Applejack. Both started grinning and blushing furiously.

"Sweetie Belle, y'all kin tell your sisters she came in third," Applejack said.

I've stabbed people and not gotten the pained expression I saw on Sweetie Belle.

"I think Applebloom and Scootaloo need to escort Sweetie Belle home," I suggested, "I think she's going to need some moral support to deliver that message."

"What?!" Sweetie Belle said and looked near to tears. Her two friends just started consoling her on the end of the world as she knew it. I personally thought they were laying it on a bit thick.

"I think I need to explain to you what's going on. And swear you all to secrecy," I told them.

"I ain't comfortable lyin'," Applejack said as I stood up.

"Then say the truth, 'you have no need to know'," I told them, "It's not a lie, and anyone who complains they do, is the one lying."
------------------------------

Another pony arriving in the underground great hall brings me out of my reverie.

"Welcome Rarity," Luna says to her fellow 'padawan' they begin the training I had reminded Luna of. They square off in the main hall of the castle. Luna begins the duel, "I'll go easy on you."

The grin from the fashionista spoils the glare she gives the Princess. The returning giggle completely gets them out of their 'war faces'.

I am not stupid enough to give them lightsabers, even practice ones. If I could make even those. Especially not underground in a castle I'm rebuilding. The weapons are long, wooden dowels with several, multicolored ribbons at each end. Back in the Republic, it would be considered a child's toy, but here it is an easily concealed and very versatile weapon. Both Rarity and Luna know how to control the ribbons to bind, or slice through just about anything. They strictly limit themselves to the former when sparring. Clearing debris and making replacement timbers was where they practiced the slicing. And the Timberwolves.

Frankly, either they were a lot more combative than the 'fighters' or I was a good teacher, or both. I wouldn't have taken on either of them with my lightsaber if I didn't have to.

The whirling of rods and ribbons, small objects tossed and deflected, insults traded, and neither gain a clear advantage. Luna is the mightier, but Rarity has a subtlety and deviousness that puts her on par with the Princess. After a time I call a halt.

"Rarity, your control and precision has improved, as well as coordinating the Force with your native magic."

I let her blush at the praise.

"I bet it has made your job easier," I tell her.

"I know you said I shouldn't show off," she says a little concerned.

"You using the Force where it could be explained as your magic isn't 'showing off'. I hope the enhanced perceptions are useful."

"They are." She blows out a breath and smiles. "You are a tough opponent."

Luna grins. "I note that you showed little restraint at striking my more vulnerable points with your words."

"Darth Bates instructions, I'm afraid," Rarity says.

"I detected little loss of control," I say, "I think that we're very close to declaring Nightmare Moon gone for good."

The two mares are ecstatic, hugging and chattering like a couple of happy birds. The pair pause, glance at each other in a way that means trouble. They soon drag me into their hugs with their powers, switching between magic and the Force to prevent me from countering. Despite the frowning and embarrassment, I couldn't be prouder.

I have not, nor ever will I tell Rarity that she is the most likely backup host to Nightmare. While 'Purple' is the scholar and magic expert, Rarity has a far more flexible mind, thus the more dangerous.

"But, a meeting with my sister," Luna says, and starts hyperventilating as she has every other time I've brought it up.

"Relax, Rarity will keep the Elements busy, and I can arrange for you to meet with her privately. I think Spike already has a few places picked out we could use," I tell her as Rarity helps her breathe into a paper bag to keep from passing out.

Luna looks at Rarity. The mare smiles and nods. Luna looks at me. I also smile and nod.

Luna pushes the bag away and takes a measured breath. "All right, I'll do it. But how will you get Celestia there?"

"Leave that to me," I tell her.

Rarity facehoofs, but keeps quiet. Now that she is nearly ready to retake her place at her sister's side, I think of what I revealed to my allies in the early days of her healing.
------------------------------

The three adult Apples and Fluttershy sat around the table and scrutinized me closely. There was some food, but most were concentrating on my tale. The Crusaders had not yet returned from Rarity's.

"So you've got Princess Luna," Applejack said.

"I don't 'have' her. She's with me, and studying something to keep Nightmare from returning. It's like recovering from a serious disease. You aren't suddenly 'poof you're well'. She's got a lot of guilt and anger to deal with, and those are the footholds that Nightmare could enter by."

"But her sister," Fluttershy began and fell silent.

"Is the biggest stumbling block. You too have a great deal of repressed anger," I told her and had all of them staring at me.

"Fluttershy?" Big Mac said.

"Why do you think she has such confidence issues? To a great extent, it's repressed anger turned inward," I explained, "Now imagine if you build that up, and suddenly it turned outward? That's what happened to Princess Luna, and she'd be as ashamed of herself as Fluttershy would be. And just as afraid it would happen again."

"How'd you know, youngun'?" Granny Smith asked.

"It's my special talent. I always saw people and things as what they are, physically and emotionally. For example, I can tell you're an imp. You enjoyed your granddaughter turning the tables on me during that kiss."

While Applejack turned a distinct umber, the oldster cackled. "Guilty, and correct," she said. "So what're 'fraid of ifn somepony finds the Princess before she's ready?"

"At an extreme, you could use the Elements of Harmony on her, but that would be like tearing a tar stain loose hair and all, rather than wearing it away."

All the furred equines winced at that idea.

"So we kin just say nothin'," Granny Smith said.

"Well, that, and let her do some useful work around here. She needs to feel useful, and I've done enough work on farms to know that it's a lot of heavy moving requiring precision."

"Teach her to apple buck," Granny Smith said, "Big Mac cain't help ya for a while."

"I don't need no help," Applejack said, almost a growl.

"Pride makes a good servant, but a poor master," I said, "And if the student exceeds the teacher, then you have done both of you proud."

Applejack looked like she was chewing broken glass as she nodded.

"Besides, she needs to help you. No one said one word about you needing help," I told her. That got me a begrudging smile.
------------------------------

Celestia woke from her nap and froze at the note pinned to her pillow. She looks around for the intruder. She steps away from the bed, then looks at the note.
'Greetings and Felicitations to Celestia Solar'

The list of her titles and honors continues down half the page. Luna had been disgusted that I'd included all of them she could remember. I hadn't explained that I had none of her more modern titles, and I hoped Celestia would catch on to that fact.

'If you ever want to see your sister again, come to the intersection of Lamb Wool Street and Rose Bush Avenue at High Moon. Ditch as many of your guards as you can, the more I see, the more likely I and your sister will simply disappear for another thousand years. No Element Bearers, I will know.

Signed,

Darth Bates

Jedi Knight, Dark Lord of the Sith, Slayer of Nightmare Moon, Upper Left Fractal of the Confederacy of Wat'

I had wanted to add: 'and general doer of evil.
Discount rates available for repeat purchasers.' But I wanted her to actually meet me before I laid on the silly stuff.

Celestia crumples the note and looks at the clock. I have barely an hour and no reason to believe that this is a bluff. 'Slayer of Nightmare Moon' yet he has Luna. If this is real, I'll give him a knighthood, just before I have Captain Armor shoot him.

Celestia's window opens and she flies free into the night.
------------------------------

Applejack had looked at the barrel and baskets filled with apples.

"This is quite enjoyable," Luna said as she watched Applejack and I pick up the baskets.

"Yeah," the apple farmer grumbled as she loaded the wagon.

"Applejack, she didn't say it wasn't work. She said she enjoyed it," I told the disgruntled earth pony.

"Why's she got ta make it look so easy?" Applejack fumed.

"She had a good teacher," I said before Applejack's disapproval infected Luna.

"Yer better at applebuckin' than I am!" Applejack said, "And y'all use a stick."

"Well, I," I said, my haughty tone further irritating the earth pony, "Am cheating. I am evil after all, and if I can't cheat to win, I don't play." I gestured and lifted all the baskets into the wagon, then added Applejack and Luna. We headed down the cart path with no apparent motive power.

"Was that kiss cheatin'?" Applejack asked. She was both nervous, and worried.

"Of course, you needed an excuse, I provided one. In a broad sense, it was cheating," I told her. She whopped me with her hat, but she was grinning again, and leaning into me.

"Hide," Luna said and I vanished. Luna concealed herself under a tarp amid the apples. Applejack looked distinctly displeased by another attempt to replicate the kiss being foiled by circumstances. As was I.

"Hello Applejack," the Purple circumstance said brightly, "How are you moving that wagon?"

Another, albeit petty, reason for my continuing quest for revenge on Purple.

"Ah," Applejack countered brilliantly.

"Special Earth Pony magic," I whispered, my breath making her ear twitch.

"Oh, hi Twi, jist some special earth pony magic," Applejack managed.

"I never heard of it," Purple said and cocked her head.

"What are those fancy schools in Canterlot coming to?" I whispered.

"What are them fancy schools in Canterlot comin' to?" Applejack said, her expression had grown waxen, and she'd developed a creepy yet desperate grin.

"I was trained by Princess Celestia herself," Purple said, "I can learn any magic." She stomped a hoof to make her point.

"After you've had a few kids, then Granny Smith can explain it," I whispered, and was shocked when the line was delivered word for word.

"What does having children have to do with anything?" Twilight demanded as she trotted alongside the wagon.

"When I've had kids, Granny will teach me," I whisper and let Applejack deliver the line, "When she tells me, maybe I can teach you. Right now, I have no idea."

Twilight looked shocked and trotted along in silence. Fortunately, the noise of the wagon covered the muffled giggles of a Princess.

"Did you come out for a reason, Twi?" I whispered to Applejack.

That broke her stupor. "You jist bein' neighborly, or there a reason ta be out here?" Applejack said, and silently mouthed 'thanks'. Then she frowned when I tickled her ear with my breath.

"Oh, just to tell you the mayor wants to have an award celebration for you tomorrow," Twilight said, "Wow, you harvested all those apples yourself."

"Uh, well, ah, it's a," Applejack said.

"That evil Darth Bates kept buckling the trees and cackling about his evil plan. Can you check the trees for spells and such?" I whispered.

"Yeah, that crazy Darth Bates, I'd get to a tree and he'd buck all the apples out of it 'fore I could get there. He said it was his evil plan. Since yer here, can you check our trees, I'd be obliged."

"Of course, Applejack!" Purple said and raced away.

"Yer plum awful," Applejack said.

I gave her a kiss on the lips which made her blush right down to her fetlocks. "You wouldn't want it any other way."

Luna and I slipped away once the wagon was in the barn. We finished bucking the apples after Applejack had left with Twilight.
------------------------------

Celestia peers out from under her cloak and glances around. She stays to the shadows and her magic conceals her from most eyes. The intersection of Lamb Wool Street and Rose Bush Avenue is empty of all traffic at High Moon. She is alone, with only her shadow for company.

"I -"

Her frightened squeak interrupts my gloriously sinister arrival.

I abandon the whole 'I am Darth Bates' etc. speech and take advantage of her mouth being open to shove the magic peach inside. A moment later, Luna and I load a considerable amount of horse into the wagon and cover her up.

"Go," I tell Luna and let her drive off.

The unicorn who'd been shadowing the sovereign suddenly finds himself hanging in midair. "Let me go, villain," the white unicorn with the purple mane and tail tells me, "I'm Captain of the Royal Guard we will hunt you to the ends of the world to rescue our princess."

"Well my princess took days to psyche herself up to meet your princess, and nobody, not me and not you are going to interrupt the homecoming. They've got a lot to say to each other, and having witnesses is going to hamper things."

"What, what are you saying?" he asks as his futile struggles cease.

"Princess Luna, Princess Celestia's sister, is free of Nightmare Moon, but she's too shy to meet and receive absolution for her past deeds with a hundred dozen flunkies watching. It took days to get her to agree to just meeting her sister privately, so, you aren't going to interfere, I'm not going to interfere, and their tearful reunion shall be confidential."

"Is that what you meant by 'your sister will simply disappear for another thousand years'?" he asks.

"What else could it mean?" I ask.

He facehoofs.

"Come on, there's a bar around the corner that's still open. They'll need us quick when they need us, but until then, they don't need us at all."

"From statements like that, I can see why my sister hates you," the Captain of the Guard said, "I can walk you know."

"Your sister needs to learn to express herself. She's too repressed," I tell him.

"She wants to hang your entrails like garlands around Canterlot," the unicorn says.

I pout, and sniffle, "That's so sweet, but she never says that to me."

The poor lug finally realizes he's dealing with a complete loon, and decides if he's along for the ride, and I'm buying, he's drinking.
------------------------------

Training my new friends had become a major point both to help them, and to help Princess Luna. We're in a clearing a distance away from the nearly restored castle. We're away from the comforts there for a very good reason, Fluttershy looked ready to tear something limb from limb. Even Luna looked fearful.

"Let your anger out, look at your memories," I told her, much as I had Luna.

"They laughed at me," Fluttershy intoned, her breathing labored, her expression of unbridled fury, "I did my best and they laughed at me!"

"Does it matter now?" I asked.

Her expression became confused. The technique I'm using on Fluttershy denied her the ability to dissemble or prevaricate, especially to herself. It won't force out the truth, except within the target's own mind. So it's perfect for this guided soul-searching.

"You have friends, and you have talents. You've risked your life for others time and again. You've proven what they said doesn't matter. Why do you hold on to your anger? Why do you give them power they never deserved?" I watched the emotional matrix of the Element of Kindness twist and warp and mutate as she let her rational mind see the links, see what she had done and the power she'd allow others to have over her. This very rage made her fearful of anyone making her angry.

"I shouldn't," she said, "They were wrong then. They are wrong now." She squeaked happily when Luna and I hugged her.

"We don't hate you for being angry, and we don't fear you. You are our friend," I told her, and got a ferocious kiss for my statement. Luna grinned and nuzzled the pegasus.

"Oh, sorry," Fluttershy said as she released her grip on my neck.

"I'm only sorry you stopped," I told her, "You care so much, you have to learn not to be afraid to care. And you need to learn not to be afraid of being thought of as thoughtless. Your friends all know you have responsibilities. The ignorant, they are just guessing."

"I guess," she said, and glanced at Luna through her mane. "Did being angry hurt you too?"

Luna nodded. "My anger blinded me, so it could control me and feed itself. Your anger lets others control you. What you offer is a love-gift, not a requirement. You love the whole world and all the people and creatures needing help. But you can't save them all, and you can't save any of them if you destroy yourself."

Fluttershy glanced at me and I nodded. Luna was suddenly included in a three-way hug. Luna still had a problem with any display of love directed at her, especially one as total as Fluttershy's, but that would be only a taste of what her sister would heap upon her, and she thought she wasn't ready for that.

"You're such good friends," Fluttershy told us.

"We try," I told her, "And so do you."
------------------------------

Celestia wakes with a most delicious peach stuffed in her mouth. She realizes she's wearing a party dress. What she sees before her makes her forgive that horrid Darth Bates instantly. She spits out the peach and throws herself across the table, scattering the tea set to the floor.

"Luna," she says as she hugs her sister.

"Celestia," the other alicorn answers warily, then wariness became equal parts shame and joy, "I am so sorry for what I've done. Can you ever forgive me?"

"Luna," she says and strokes her sister's cheek with a wing, "I can even forgive your friend for kidnaping me here. Why didn't you come back?"

"I needed to be free of Nightmare Moon, and the anger that invited her in. Darth Bates helped me, and taught me some things." She grins. "So there's a few things I can put in the service of the Kingdom that even you can't do."

"Oh Luna, this was never about who could do what," Celestia says and hugs her tightly.

"It was to me, for so long. And I needed to know that even though you did my job alone."

Celestia stiffens at that, then realizes Luna isn't angry. Her sister is stating the facts.

"That I needed to remember that I did have talents that were special, and that in fairness, if you could do my job, then I could do yours."

"I think anyone with patience could do my job," Celestia says, "Other than the obvious."

"I think that may be tested," Luna says and giggles, "After all without you some ponies will panic. So he'll be taking lots of things 'under consideration.'"

"For that, I can forgive him," Celestia said, and nuzzled Luna, "And reminding me of my most important task, that I failed to do."

"We truly could share those most obvious and important tasks," Luna says, "But we still have our special talents serve each other and our ponies."

"He seems very wise," Celestia says.

"Not really, he wants to take Twilight as his next apprentice," Luna says.

Both alicorns have a good, long laugh at that.
------------------------------

Fluttershy and Rarity had convinced Luna to go to the spa in preparation for her meeting with Celestia, and to hang out together. That gave me the chance to set my own plans in motion for the future of my corner of Equestria. I waited until Purple headed out of the library. And I slipped in. The little dragon looked at me. Amazement became fear, then he relaxed. I realized something wasn't going according to plan here.

"Are you the guy who has been hiding Princess Luna?" he asked.

I was frankly amazed that he knew that, and more amazed that he hadn't revealed all to Purple. "Hiding and training," I admitted, "How did you find out?"

"Just stuff I picked up from Fluttershy and Rarity," he said, "Uh, Twilight's gone for a while. Do you want to wait for her?"

"No, I came here to get a library card and to talk with you. I understand the town was rather disheveled by the parasprites."

"It was a disaster!" the little guy insisted as he got the blank forms out.

"Have you ever considered getting a professional to help?" I asked, "Basically, hiring someone to arrange all the contractors, getting all the repair supplies laid in, getting the plans through city hall and Canterlot?"

"Well, Twilight sorta does all that," the dragon said as he handed over the card.

" 'Sorta' gives you a check list and it's your job to get things done?" I asked as I filled out the card.

The silence was deafening.

"Well, I can arrange for you to simply provide a professional with that list and then you can go off and do other things." I handed the card back and looked at the writing, which seemed to be Republic Standard. "Like organizing this library so someone other than the librarian can actually find a book. Why is this autobiography in the middle of the History of Equestria section?"

"He's the one who wrote the History of Equestria," the little dragon said.

"So if I wanted a survey of the writers of histories, I'd have to know the names of all the series and books they wrote?"

"Sure, where else would you put them?" the dragon answered.

"All the autobiographies together by name of the subject. All the histories together by time period," I said, and looked at the dragon having a very uncomfortable epiphany.

"That would work, but Twilight likes the books where she can find them," he said, and clearly didn't like the answer.

"If this was her private library, that would be fine," I said and glanced at the card the dragon had stamped and handed back, "But this is a public library. The public will need to be able to access these books."

"Yeah."

"Well, here," I handed him one of the fliers I'd been working on. "Think about the idea of insurance. Basically a small fee every month to be prepared for rebuilding and repair after a disaster."

"Do you know how many disasters happen around here?" the dragon asked.

"I'm getting a feeling for it," I told him.
------------------------------

"I shall take it under due consideration," I tell the suppliant who wants green-painted window frames banned.

Celestia, for one day's vacation from this while you reconcile with your sister, you are going to so owe me, I thought and shifted on the throne, Please, something, anything to get these self-absorbed fools to shut up!

I look up from an endless series of equally trivial details at the noise of the main doors to the throne room being flung open. I shift in a very uncomfortable throne, and gesture for the guards to stand down. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Purple, you are truly my hero!

"You kidnaped the princess!" Purple confronts me in from across the throne room along with a few other, the Element Bearers thankfully are not present. Most of the court suddenly looks at her as if she'd lost her mind. Several point and me and say or mouth 'princess'.

"Are you sure I'm not the princess?" I ask, adding a bit of Force manipulation. "The sun did rise on time this morning did it not?" The court functionaries and guards look at each other and nod.

Some of her group looks uncertain, only Purple and one or two others hold firm.

"You took the princess and I want to know what you did with her," Purple says as she charges her horn for magic. I might have been worried, if I'd actually been seated on the throne she targeted.

"Channel your anger, my young apprentice, feel it fuel your strength, revel in its power," I tell her.

"I AM NOT YOUR YOUNG APPRENTICE!" she thunders.

"Then listen up ya old bat," I reply, "Anger can serve or be the master, yours is your master. You got your hearing aid on so you'll pay attention this time, ya ole' crone. You've gotta control that or -"

"Or what!?" she shouts and bursts into flame.

"That, pretty much," I tell her, "Are you sure you don't want to be my apprentice, you've got the blind rage part down pat."

"RAWRARARAWR!" she replies as she charges up the stairs to the throne.
------------------------------

"How, how do I look?" Luna asked as she turned around slowly. The mirrors of the Carousel Boutique showing off wonderfully the new party dress for her first meeting with Celestia.

I personally thought the fashions here as tacky, tasteless and overblown as the fashions of Coruscant, instead I said, "Worthy of a ball at the capitol."

Luna blushed.

"I do wish I could actually fit this," Rarity said as she displayed the second dress she'd made, this one for Princess Celestia herself. She looked at me as I started to tell her. She got it out first, "I know you told me 'let the Force guide your horn' but, this is for the princess."

"Lady Rarity, with all due respect to your skill and diligence. With Luna in the room and wanting to return to her side, Princess Celestia might not notice if the dress was on fire, let alone that it didn't fit perfectly. If I'd used my full powers, you would have made a jumper and leggings for both and been done with that."

"I would have fought that with my very soul!" Rarity calls back in revulsion and horror.

"Which is why I only proposed it," I tell her. In truth, she'd been horrified that we'd talked her out of elegant gowns, and into something more appropriate for a filly's garden party.

For the Grand Galloping Gala, I must introduce her to the 'little black dress', she'll stun the fashion world, I thought and let her fuss over Luna for a little while longer.

"Why haven't you let me make some clothes for you?" Rarity asked.

"For ponies, clothes are decoration. For people like me, clothes are tools. I'd hardly hire a renowned, portrait painter to whitewash my garden shed," I told her.

She didn't like the answer, but let it drop. I knew she despised the plainness of my tunic, trousers and cloak. I also knew she had a plan forming. She was a good apprentice, devious and cunning, but with a good heart and a first-rate mind. I knew not to underestimate her.

I glanced again at Luna. Ah, happy memories. I'll needed a new apprentice, I'm losing my oldest one, I thought.
------------------------------

The sun shone down on Canterlot. The courtyard is small, almost intimate. Only the most honored are here. Others watch from the battlements atop the walls. Celestia, to Rarity's utter amazement, again wears the 'little party dress' she'd made for the reunion. She approaches and she herself places the medallion around my neck. "For exemplary and personal service to the Crown of Equestria, for taking direct and hazardous action in restoring Equestria to the Diarchy it was always meant to be, I award the Grand Commander of the Alicorn Order, Sir Darth Bates, Jedi Knight, Dark Lord of the Sith." She kisses me on the lips, showing considerable passion in the action. "You also have the thanks of a grateful sister."

"Delighted to be of service, your Highness, Highnesses," I tell them. I do my poor best to bow, which considering my circumstances isn't much.

Celestia steps away, standing beside her sister. Luna also wears the party dress, along with a few pieces of her restored regalia. Both of them look so happy, even though Luna is sniffling with happy tears. Fluttershy slips the blindfold over my eyes and steals a kiss.

"Do you have any last words?" Celestia asks. She's presumably warning the gunners manning, ponying?, the 25 cannons loaded with double canister that their part of the ceremony is about to begin.

"Purple, did they polish all your teeth marks out of the throne after I kidnaped the princess out from under your nose, or did they just get a new one?" I ask the officer in charge of preparing my firing squad. "The throne I mean, I know they got a new princess." I grin at Luna.

"Fire!" Captain Armor orders, the bravest one there, considering the hangover he likely has from the celebration/drinking contest the guard had around my cell last night. Applejack had proven a superb vintner, and even Rarity had participated in the first thirty-seven toasts to the Princesses collectively and individually, the nation and other such things. Armor had quit at eighty-three and Applejack, Rarity and I retired to investigate race relations. I don't really think there's a game called 'Pin the Spinning Pony', but both of them seemed to enjoy it.

Most of the cannons go off at once, a tribute to Purple's diligence. A couple fire late, and one doesn't fire at all. Of those that fire on time, two are loaded with platters of muffins. I almost hear the 'oops'.

As the smoke clears, the post I'd been tied to is sheared off at the ground.

Luna dabs her teary eyes. "Oh, 'Tia, he must have just loved it."

"He deserved the best we could offer," Celestia says and nuzzles her sister. They leave to attend the celebratory banquet as Purple deals with the hangfire.

POOF!

Purple hacks and coughs as she exits the dense cloud. "WACHOO!"

She turns green. "WACHOO!"

She's a small dragon. Down Spike! "WACHOO!"

Fireworks. "WACHOO!"

She, ah he's a white horse. Everypony blush. "WACHOO!"

Potted plant. "WACHOO!"

A bat-orange-frog combo. "WACHOO!"

Celestia. Don't sneeze, don't sneeze. "WACHOO!"

Saber-toothed bug pony. Where do they get this stuff? "WACHOO!"

Purple cloud. "WACHOO!"

Lady Gaga. Rarity such language. "WACHOO!"

A very small moon, no, it's a space station. "WACHOO!"

World's shortest giant. "WACHOO!"

Reuben sandwich. "WACHOO!"

A cloud of fur with a pony face sticking out of it. Thank you Pinkie for that mentally-scarring statement. "WACHOO!"

World's tallest gnome. "WACHOO!"

Tinkerbell the leather queen. I know what I'm wearing on our next date Applejack. "WACHOO!"

Lizard hawking car insurance. "WACHOO!"

Hawk selling lizard insurance. "WACHOO!"

Tentacle-faced, bat-winged, extremely creepy humanoid. Wings? Trashtalk ya sicko! "WACHOO!"

Black sphere with burning fuze. SNEEZE! "WACHOO!"

A very disoriented, purple unicorn

Ah a 21-gun salute, the princesses think of everything.
------------------------------

There are things you simply don't do to a Jedi, or a Sith for that matter. And that is, mess with their apprentice. With Luna back at home and settling in, I had been concentrating on Rarity's training, with a bit thrown in for Fluttershy, Applejack and a bit for Sweetie Belle. Unlike the Jedi Council, I was not against having family involved. That Sweetie Belle showed exactly zero talent was not her fault. I don't mean she wasn't good at things, I mean she was actually resistant to Force manipulation. Lifting her was like lifting a house. Force lightning that would make rock run like water only made her mane stand on end. She wanted 'sister time', and was an able assistant in training, so I let her help.

So it was a surprise when she came tearing into my camp, and cogently telling me that her sister had been kidnaped, where and by whom. I ordered her to go back to her sister's home, no she couldn't come with under any circumstances, and wait. I unpacked my lightsaber, a few flash-bangs I'd ginned up and headed out. The power of the Force really did want to jump to my command, and inflame my passion beyond normal reason, but I kept it reined in. The time for a reckoning was after Lady Rarity, and how ever many of her friends had been captured in various rescue attempts, were free and back in Ponyville.

Then I could return and 'explain' the error of their ways.
------------------------------

So I am down in these tunnels. Making less noise than the ambushers, and definitely smelling less detectably. The only thing between me and the voices of the others who'd tried to rescue Lady Rarity, is a dead fall that I cannot cross without tripping it. Then they will know where I am, and be able to coordinate a counterattack.

Yes I know, Diamond Dogs and strategy, but stranger thing have happened. Okay, there is another pair of dead falls behind me. If I trip all three together, that will reduce their ability to get at me, until I get at them.

Decision made, I trip all three, and ignite my lightsaber and begin digging through. The sounds of laughter from the steadily decreasing stone blockage fades. It is first replaced with curiosity. Only the wisest, or most cowardly jump straight to panic. Most go through incredulity at first. Rarity and Fluttershy begin spinning tales. Then Applejack's voice is heard. I wish I could hear the details, but over the keening wails of growing terror a rockcrusher at full blast would be inaudible.

I remember the last time I 'rescued' Lady Rarity, she'd gotten her self into the mess initially. And similarly, her 'friends' were simply making things worse.
------------------------------

"Ma'am, I know nothing about fashion," I told the pleading padawan.

"Please, please, please!" she said, hanging onto my ankle and sobbing. As well as using a substantial amount of the Force to convince me, and her own telekinesis to root me to the ground so I couldn't simply run away.

All in all, it was a very effective impromptu lesson. Since I was having some trouble batting away her 'suggestions', and slipping out of her restraint, I flung both back, and let her know I was the master.

I also gave her an opening for her rhetorical training. "Besides, if you don't tell me what it is, I'll categorically refuse."

She seized on that. "I need you to tell me what you think of some dresses."

I raised my hand to protest, giving her the slim chance to think out supporting arguments.

My padawan did not disappoint. "Don't think of them as fashion, think of them as visual representations of their inner character." She got it all out, and still clinging to my ankle looked up and smiled. "That is your special talent after all."

This foray was actually persuasive. I pulled my foot loose, and stared down at her. "I'm very disappointed," I told her, "You should have started with that argument and not wasted time and tears."

She nodded numbly.

"Well, get up, I assume they're at your shop." I lifted her onto her hooves with my power.

"But I thought -" she said.

"I was critiquing your delivery, not refusing," I said, "Good use of technique, highlighting the subpoints, very subtle and hard to counter."

"Thank you," she said, "I should have started with the bit about works of art, shouldn't I?"

"Yes," I told her, "But you are still learning. But to see your own mistakes shows you are beginning to master things. When you can see your own mistakes before you make them, then you'll be a master."

"And are you a master?" she asked.

"Not quite," I replied.

We arrive at her shop, slipping in the back way. There on her display floor are six typical examples of the hideousness that is pony fashion.

Rarity immediately became nervous. "Well, do you think - what do you think?"

"Don't tell me," I replied, "Rainbow Dash, Twilight, Applejack, Fluttershy, you, Pinkie Pie, and I think you captured the essence of each pony superbly."

She relaxed. "I'm so glad you like them," she said.

I didn't say that, but I am not going to correct her. "I will admit, I don't understand the fashion trends, but they are up to your usual standard of excellence."

Rarity suddenly looked around and started to panic. "They're here, they're here, please hide, I - " She looked around at the apparently empty gallery. "Well, yes, thank you."

What followed was difficult to watch, and 'leave the job to the experts' kept ringing through my mind.
------------------------------

Cutting through the rock so as not to bring it down on my head, and to let the terror among the Diamond Dogs build is slow and pains-taking work. I had been annoyed at my upbringing, but at times like this, I am glad my parents and older siblings drilled the skills of digging, shoring and reinforcing into my head. The tunnel advances steadily, and it isn't going to collapse suddenly behind me. I remember one Jedi who made an appearance like the one I'm planning, only to have the escape tunnel collapse behind him. Leaving him, the trio he was trying to rescue, and eight platoons of angry guards in the same room together. The commander had his troops start throwing rocks at the Jedi, and with the barrage at its heaviest, tossed a couple of stun grenades well short, so the Jedi missed them.

When I rescued the four of them, I didn't go for the flashy stuff. Cut my way in through a wall, loaded them on an airspeeder I landed aboard my cruiser that 'happened' to be passing by. We got out of the atmosphere and jumped to light-speed before they knew the prisoners were gone.

If you're going to do something, do it with passion. But don't leave out common sense. The next lesson I taught Rarity.
------------------------------

"Don't disassemble those dresses," I told Rarity.

"But they hated them," she said, on the verge of tears and hysteria.

"The only one who knows a lick about fashion is Fluttershy, and she didn't 'hate it', she just thought it wasn't what she wanted. I say, give them what they want, and accept it is going to be a nightmare."

"Why?" Rarity asked.

"Why give them what they want, or why is it going to be a nightmare?" I asked.

"Well, both actually," she said.

"Give them what they want, because they need a lesson in letting an expert do her job. And accepting gifts graciously. It's going to be a nightmare because they know a little about fashion, but not enough. Imagine me designing those dresses."

Rarity looks like she tasted the spoiled buttermilk she'd accidentally poured in her tea. "That would be a disaster," she said and looked around, "Will you, help me?"

"I can cut patterns, and I can run the sewing machine if you set it up. I'll leave the design and customer interface to you."

"Thank you. I must get something for you," she said, "It isn't right that you do all this for just my thanks."

"Lady Rarity, I chose plain clothing for reasons that border on religious zealotry, I would never ask you to make something as unfabulous as what I will tolerate wearing."

"Someone else needs a lesson in gracious acceptance," Rarity said.

"I'd accept it graciously, thank you profusely, and leave it in a closet until the sun burned out," I told her.

She snickered at that. And we set to work.
------------------------------

I run my hand over the 'Rarity Original' she had made for me. I smiled at that as I work. I was and still am grateful for the gift, and the thoughtfulness that she put aside her desires and made a masterwork that I was comfortable with.

Although it took a few tricks of my own to get her safely through the travails with her honor intact.
------------------------------

Spike had not appreciated my appropriating then completely rewriting his copy for the fashion show. Considering the 'dresses' that the others had demanded, I used the best argument in my arsenal.

"Spike, do you really want to humiliate Rarity and your mistress when someone looks at those dresses and thinks they're serious about being high-fashion?"

The little dragon had countered with a demand to review the copy, before he read it. I accepted his uncertainty, considering the antagonism between myself and his owner, he had every right to assume I would use the opportunity to humiliate his mistress.

"I would, but I can't figure out a way to keep Lady Rarity completely clear of the midden hitting the windmill."

Again, he accepted that, and that he and I had never even had a cross word between us. I did not tell him that the humiliation of Purple and Trashtalk could be handled and ruthlessly delivered in the short interval between them realizing what they had done to Rarity, and my efforts to salvage the situation.

The copy extolled the quality of fabric, the cleverness of design, and mentioned endlessly that 'Rarity can translate your requests into reality.' When the five mares in question started realizing that their designs were giving the audience giggles, or nausea, I signaled Spike to lay in the covering fire.

"Yes, Rarity can do it all, from Nightmare Night costumes like these that will make you the most memorable guest at the party to the fine dresses you'll be seeing next. Rarity can do it all," Spike said.

Rarity looked at the little dragon with such love in her eyes. I let the little guy blush and gaze back. He always wanted to swoop in and rescue her at the last minute. Now he had. Not with weapons or combat, but with his contacts and his mind.

The fashion mogul Spike had invited was laughing his flank off. "I, I actually thought those," he said as he gasped for breath, "Those atrocities against fashion, were the dresses I'd come to see."

I slipped up to Rarity. "Go out there, apologize for the little joke, but your friends so loved their costumes, you had to let them show off."

"But they weren't costumes," Rarity whispered back from the side of her mouth.

"Bet you a lightsaber against a new wardrobe they will be when you get back here," I told her.

She smiled, and dabbed the tears from her eyes, then marched out onto the runway. "I must apologize to you all, for my teensy, little joke," she told them.

I corralled the others and pulled the rack of Rarity's original dresses out.

"You," Purple hissed, "What are you doing here?"

"Watching you nearly ruin your friend's reputation, and trying to prevent it," I answered, "Quick, get out of those, and into these. The show must go on."

"What?" Applejack asked as she stripped out of the clothes even I could tell were beyond acceptable as pony fashion.

"You see," I heard Rarity from outside, "My friends so enjoyed their costumes, I just had to let them show them off."

All of them, except Trashtalk, seemed subdued as they slipped into their gala dresses.

"I'm so ashamed," Fluttershy said.

"You should be," I told her, "So should you and you," I told Applejack and Pinkie Pie. "Rarity doesn't tell you how to buck apples, care for animals, or throw parties. You couldn't just accept she'd do the best job she could for you?"

The trio hung their heads as they dressed.

"Hmm, I don't have anything to worry about then," Trashtalk said.

"Actually, Rainbow Dash, I never expect considerate behavior from you or Twilight Sparkle," I told her flatly.

Now Trashtalk looked hurt. Purple looked worse. I suspected I had pushed things about as far as I could without angering the others. And rescuing Rarity from the debacle they shoveled on her was more important than grinding down the two 'enemies' I had in Equestria.

"Now, try and prove me wrong and go out there to salvage Rarity's reputation," I told them. That perked them up enough that they walked out and wowed the crowd. Rarity adding her own 'magic show' to the display didn't hurt things one little bit. The enthusiastic applause buoyed all their spirits.

I did have the good sense to be gone by the time they were done. Part of being a Jedi, or a Sith, was knowing when to run for it. The ones who never learned that usually wound up dead long before becoming a knight or a lord.
------------------------------

The tunnel still glows red behind me. I sweep the collection of Diamond Dogs, fanning Rarity, feeding her grapes, and collecting gems her magic revealed, highlighting that she was not in need of immediate rescue.

"Darling," she says from her throne, "So good to see you. As you can see, we mainly needed an exit, which you have so kindly provided."

"Gracious as ever," I say and bow. "Umm, uncomfortable moment, but, Purple does the damsel in distress bit better that you."

To say Purple fumes at this is an understatement.

"Maybe I should leave, come back in about 10-minutes?" I offer.

Rarity considers for a bit. Then tsks and shakes her head. "It just isn't fabulous, if you understand what I mean. I must simply accept that despite beauty, talent, and a wonderful mane, and there are just some things others do better than I. A burden, but I must rise above it."

I bow again. Purple looks like she could chew through the rocks and get up to the surface without my newly made tunnel, or anyone's help.

As they follow me out, pulling carts loaded with gems, and Rarity picking out additional ones for the dogs to keep, I remember. "So how did the scientific explanation finally turn out, Purple?" I hear her grinding her teeth and growling. "About the Pinkie Sense, and the Force I mean."

"I know what you mean!" she shouts.

I remember one of the 'funnest' duels I had with Purple. And the fundamental debate we'd had on the nature of science.
------------------------------

"Science is about reproducibility," I explained to The PinkSide as we sat in Sugar Cube corners, Luna was psyching herself up for her meeting with Celestia, so I had some time alone. "It's about if a, then b."

The PinkSide nodded. "Oh, I've got that, I've got it all diagramed," she told me, and pulled out a 15-page manual on her various twitches, tingles, et. al. and their results.

"Can I have a copy of this made and observe?" I asked politely. I had a theory that The PinkSide was somehow using the Force, because Earth Pony Magic wasn't supposed to operate as Applejack, Fluttershy and Rarity all insisted the Pinkie Sense did. Luna agreed that she'd never heard of such a talent before. I assumed that it was a 'sport', a rare talent that was the accumulation of something else. But I had to know whether it was Force-related, or magic-related. The idea that someone here had tapped into the Force was tantalizing. Even if it was The PinkSide.

"Oh, I had copies printed up once Twilight got interested, but she hasn't picked hers up yet."

"WHAT!" the suspiciously noisy, and nosy, potted plant shouted. "You knew I was following you all this time?"

"So did anyone with ears," I commented, "Try a pencil next time. They're quieter."

She glared at me. Typical. "You stay out of this! And don't encourage her. This Pinkie Sense makes no sense."

Twitchy tail. I looked around, I'd gotten that one from Applejack, and Rarity, and Fluttershy, and Zecora, and you get the idea.

The plaque dropped off the shelf and stopped inches from Purple's head. The PinkSide of course laughed. Now I hadn't picked up any disturbance in the Force. But maybe it's passive, I thought.

Purple looked up at the object being restored to the shelf. "You did that on purpose."

"Even if I had, it in no way eliminates the prediction," I replied.

Purple stormed off, and I threw the foulest epithet in my arsenal at her. "Closed-minded priest," I said.

The PinkSide was staring at me curiously.

I felt embarrassed at having called one of her friends that, but Purple gets under my skin as much I try to get under hers. "Priests demand the world fit their cosmology, and new data is either summarily dismissed, like Purple just did, or the open-minded try to fit it into their world view without too much trouble. The Darcy believe that circles show the perfect order of the cosmos. They were generating epicycles over epicycles to explain the elliptical orbits, when one enterprising priest said 'The Evil One cannot master the world, but he can warp it to lead the foolish astray.' Crises of faith over the planet averted, endless arguments over added epicycles eliminated, astrologers and mathematicians back to useful work, and both sides getting together to burn him alive as a heathen. But he got their civilization rolling, and after he was safely dead, they made him a saint."

"Those are some weird people," The PinkSide said.

"I nodded, priests are just politicians who war on your conscience and superstitions, they don't even have to be religious, just dogmatic."

The PinkSide nodded.

I spent sometime following The PinkSide at a discreet distance, leafing through the book, watching the predictive nature of her powers, and dodging a rather persistent bush that was attracting a tremendous amount of trouble. A level of trouble my more accepting observational style did not invoke. Or maybe I was quieter and more aware of my surroundings when I stalked. So I didn't step on the bear, like Purple did. I didn't scratch so loud I attracted a skunk, like Purple did. I avoided hiding in a bush of sweet smelling flowers that were attracting bees, like Purple did. I didn't position myself directly under a flying moving van, like Purple did.

On a side note, the flower pot I let go because it was funny. The kitchen sink, the anvil, and the piano I shunted aside or soft-landed, because that would have just been cruel. Pianos are delicate instruments, shoving a hard-headed priest through one would have ruined it. Ditto the sink, and probably the anvil.

Purple didn't fare too well on her investigations. And she was pretty testy about it when I went to save Fluttershy at Froggy Bottom Bog.

"That makes no sense," Purple shouted loud enough that they might have heard it in Canterlot.

"Where's the fun in making sense?" I asked, "Why hasn't Trashtalk broken every bone in her body with her inferior landing skills? Why have ponies not reclaimed their ancient homeland, when their ruler for the last thousand years has control of the sun? Why are their handles on coffee cups? You want irrational impossibilities, I can, go, on, for, days." I and all the ponies were looking up, and up, and up.

Purple was winding up for another rant, when Applejack asked, "Why aren't we runnin'?"

"Walk, don't run," I warned, as I concentrated, "Running attracts its attention."

Applejack led the way, holding on to a terrified Fluttershy's tail, while The PinkSide held hers. Just because Fluttershy was first in line did not make her the leader. Closed eyes and frantic whimpering is an automatic disqualifier.

"Why isn't he attacking?" Purple asked, "It makes no sense."

"What aren't you leaving? That makes even less sense." I didn't use the hand gestures that so many Jedi used to make their use of the Force more theatrical. I frankly didn't want people to know what I was doing. It had good points and bad. Bad was when certain purple unicorns can't take a hint from a clue-by-four. "I'm using the Force, it has a strong influence on the weak minded," I told Purple as I gestured hypnotically at her.

For a brief instant I would have been more afraid of Purple than the hydra. Four really stupid brains are not that difficult to control. Adding a fifth that is strongly fixated increases the difficult tremendously.

She marched off in pursuit of her friends. I kept the hydra enthralled as I retreated. Out of sight was definitely out of mind.

"Now, how is that supposed to work?" Purple asked as I approached, "All this 'Force' stuff, you're no magician."

"I'm no magician," I said and pointed at the four growing towers along our line of march. "I think the doozy hasn't yet Doozied." This hydra had eyeshadow, and an even worse attitude than the first. "Must be her time of the century," I said and then realized I couldn't control all eight of those minds, especially when they were fixated on one goal.

This time they followed Fluttershy's lead. People who say Fluttershy isn't a fast flier have never seen her in action. Of course, a pair of courting hydras is a very effective encouragement.

Reaching the edge of a cliff, I watched another example of 'irrational impossible'. Fluttershy jumped rather than flew, and then Purple dithered. "Teleport you ninny!" I shouted at her, and she acted as if she'd never thought of it. Fortunately, she did get over to the other side.

With all the delicious morsels out of reach, it was easy to vanish from sight, smell and sound from the hydras. The two of them raged at their escaped meal, but eventually wandered off. That was the first time I saw Purple go phoenix, and it was truly a sight to see. She then simply accepted that The PinkSide neither understood, nor cared about the genesis of her Pinkie Sense, and that Purple shouldn't either. Stupid priest. If that's what she has to go through to gain any 'enlightenment' she's going to be going on and off like a strobe before she really understands the universe.
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I drop the ponies off at Rarity's for a decompression/after-rescue-from-those-Meanie-Diamond-Dogs party. I swear The PinkSide is as good as the Council at overblow/useless names. I, however, continue back to the castle. I would have stayed, but neither Trashtalk nor Purple would relax with me around. The gems Lady Rarity collected will go to her fashions. And the Diamond Dogs got a fair warning of who and what would come after her if they took her. A good couple of months all in all.

Next Chapter: 4) Tog Lalaith Ar Dagnir Mokaarwa Estimated time remaining: 26 Minutes
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