Dark Lords and Ring Lords

by Dan_s Comments

Chapter 1: 1) Darth Bates - An Irrepressible Force

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Darth Bates - An Irrepressible Force
by Dan's Comments

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc., Star Wars and the Star Wars Universe are the property of Disney and 20th Century Fox.

The six, brave souls stand alone against an immeasurable, immutable evil. Me.

The ponies of Ponyville shriek and scatter, to await the climactic battle in the safety of their cellars. I should know, I helped construct many of them.

"Darth Bates! We are here to arrest you in the name of the Celestia Solar, monarch of Equestria!" The purple unicorn tries to look and sound fierce, but I'd had so much fun with her during my time here, I just have to have some more. Besides, she's hilarious right after she bursts into flames.

I feel I should explain something, this really isn't what it looks like.

"It really isn't everypony," said the very pink Force ghost standing next to the chronicler as he penned the words.

Now you'll see why I call her 'the Pink Side'.

The ghost laughed.

You see I'm actually not evil, that's not to say I'm nice.

"You've always been nice to me, and Applejack, and Rarity, and Derpy, and Celestia, and Wendy, and,"

I am not nice to everyone.

"And Luna, and the third pony from the left in the Gala musical number, and that filly who lost her stuffie down the well, and Scootaloo," she continued.

Always insane is the Force.

While I'd like to think I'm simply entertaining myself, I am training some of them to be better and more capable people. There are a few who desperately need, but don't appreciate my teachings. But it did prevent a misunderstanding from becoming a tragedy.

"And Apple Crisp, and Marshmallow Sundae and Chief Thunderhooves, and the third engineer escorting the train, and the . . . Ooo! Neat fade to black! If I become a Sith Lord, can I fade to black too?"

Only if you study.

There were always plenty of stories written about the 'evil' of the Dark Side. Funny how you never heard about the evils of the 'light' side of the Force. The arrogant complacency and the determined effort not to champion justice at the grassroots level, you know, where the common people live, but to keep 'the children' quiet, so the 'grownups' can get on with their meetings and tea parties, and deciding how the children are to live their lives.

I won't tell you how much trouble I got into calling bullshit on the Jedi Council for their militant support of the status quo that let the Republic sink deeper into the mire of rampant cronyism. Or the reaction of my tendering my resignation and heading off to really study the Force. I think what really pissed off the Council was the whoopie cushion in Master Yoda's floaty chair during one of their periodic 'Impress the Senate/Awe the Puffed-up Yokels' appearances. Bounty hunters are cheap and easily available, and no match for a true student of the Force.

The Rulers of Equestria were a whole other matter, which I had to discover for myself. Not that they didn't make the same mistakes, they learned from them. With my help of course. They also were more hands-on as it were, and more likely to pay back in kind. Even when I was the victim, I thoroughly approved.

Rarity fitted the new gems to Celestia's gorget and hoof covers. "I must say, you do look very striking," she said, "Too bad the green coat is only temporary."

"I still have the shampoo," Celestia said and smiled at Darth Bates, "And it lasts a week?"

"Yes ma'am," I said as I set the quill aside. "And thank you Lady Rarity, for the 'horn writing' lessons." I raised a hoof. "I don't think I could have written the apology letter with these."

"You are serendipitously, a master of the Force, else only months of training would enable you to write with your horn," Luna said as she surveyed the apology letter to the Royal Bathers for nearly giving them all apoplexy. "Sister, I believe the Dark Lord has 'suffered' enough, although returning his gender and not his species would be a good step. Your student is high strung, and could use some unwinding."

While the three mares giggled, the three other mares, there being a fourth: me, I told them, "I'll take it. I'm starting to look at stallions funny, and have been getting these odd cramps."

The two alicorns looked alarmed and immediately changed me back.

"I take it you have learned your lesson?" Celestia said, towering over me as I crouched on the floor.

"First, don't involve noncombatants," I said, she frowned a bit, but accepted it, "Second, don't get caught."

Luna and Rarity facehooved as I vanished.

I thought I heard Celestia giggle.

It took some time, but I finally found a dark master who agreed with my ethos that the Force was not Dark and Light (note the capitals), but passionate and platonic.

The master I found followed the Sith traditions only slightly, but I knew I'd found a kindred spirit when he proclaimed me Darth Bates, as a protection against usurpation. If you need me to explain it, go away you aren't worth my time.

While both of us plumbed the depths of the power of the passionate side of the Force, we uncovered that the Force itself has a sense of humor. The joke it was playing on the Jedi Council and the Sith was more like slipping a laxative in among the chocolates and locking the bathroom door, and it would have much the same effect on both sides.

The passionate side has one big trap, it encourages and inflames passions. Not always the best thing when the monster doesn't see the monster in the mirror. The platonic side diffuses emotional energy. Also a bad thing, because shame and anger can be very good goads to action. Balance is the real key. To cool your anger so it doesn't burn those around you or your shame so it doesn't burn yourself, but not so much you cease to care about anything but your own tranquility. One particularly loony sect suggested it's acceptable to argue as long as you part in respect and love. Nice sentiment, but impossible to achieve. I prefer one of their other tenants: If your enemy is hungry give him food, if he is thirsty give him drink, for in doing this you will be heaping hot coals on his head. That's a sentiment you can truly live by.

Purple looked at the plastic-tarped books on the shelves, and the patched hole in the library's roof. Her eyes fell on the note labeled with her grinning face. She levitated it over to her. " 'My insidious, mendacious, perfidious, bovarist plan to steal your thesaurus has worked. Bwahahaha!'" She sighed and read on.

Spike located an invoice and a note on the repairs set at his eye level under a table, where Twilight wouldn't have seen it. It contained the names and dates of the contractors engaged for the permanent repairs, the deductible he'd have to pay them, and a request to return the tarps when the repairs from the latest 'Rainbow Crash' were complete. He smelled the smoke coming from the note Twilight held in her horn magic.

"I am not 'extra-specially cute Sparkley-Poo when I'm angry'!" Twilight shouted in all her adorable fury.

The young dragon decided he wanted to be a lot older before he commented on that.

I don't want to think about all the arrogant Jedi and Sith I did that kind of thing to, and the one very comely Jedi Padawan who was convinced I would slip something into her food or drink so I could 'take advantage' of her. Of course I wouldn't do that, it goes against everything I believe. But I did put something in the wallpaper paste she was scraping off the walls and eating, which filled her with lust. So I could 'restrain' her animalistic impulses and keep her locked away from me. She was thoroughly messed over in the head when she left, half-starved, lust-addled, and aware she'd eaten the only dangerous thing in the entire building. The food I'd offered had been completely safe.

I never said I was nice, and after all the things she called me and accused me of, a little turnabout was fair play.

But maybe I should introduce Wendy, the other, more serious playmate I had. She understood that 'good' and 'evil' is more closely tied to what the results are first, second your intent, and dead last by a country mile, the power source. A lesson I had to teach some of the people around here. My platonic soulmate and I did a courtly dance, for political reasons, but she was always there when I needed her, and I hope some of my teachings about the Force kept her equanimity when such power rested uneasily in her hands and on her mind.

Next Chapter: 2) Wendy Fischer - Lord of the Rings Estimated time remaining: 2 Hours, 38 Minutes
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