EPISODE 8: CAUSE AND AFFECTION

*I've heard your guys' rage (kidding): from here on out, “hoofs” > “hooves”, just because I love you guys so, so much and listen so, so intently. That's all.

NOW REEEEAD!

The dining hall rumbled with life thanks to the phenomenal Hearts and Hooves décor. The energetic atmosphere was atypical compared to most mornings where students calmly consumed their first meal. Bodies moved about from table to table as curious ponies discussed with their peers the meaning behind such colorful decoration, or otherwise made known their forgetfulness regarding the special holiday.

Gallant did not particularly enjoy the shift in sprightliness; he found joy in the regular peace and quiet that came with breakfast. Calmness often went side-by-side with a sense of order, and that tidiness was something Gallant greatly valued.

What greeted him in the dining hall was far from such a well-ordered state; the only redeeming factor of this chaos was the tremendous amount of scents - from blueberry pancakes to chocolate chip muffins - packed into clusters along the way. He struggled through bustling crowds to keep up with Twilight, who seemed hardly affected by the peculiar forenoon liveliness. Despite the messiness, Gallant tried to carry himself as a gentlecolt, which at this point called for avoiding bumping into anything and anypony at all costs - a goal even Gallant found nearly impossible.

This task became even more challenging, however, when his eyes found themselves a distraction. Sitting at a table off in the corner was none other than Prim Rose; how Gallant's eyes found her in the sea of students, even the stallion could not tell. All he knew was that her shining figure and delicate face were things worthy of standing out in such a crowd.

“Gallant, where are you going?” Twilight called, her voice farther off than the stallion expected.

He looked back to see Twilight headed in a different direction than which he faced. He paused and observed his location and direction; his mind had subconsciously led him in the direction of his heartthrob. Gallant tried to justify it all in his head as he blushed, smiled, and backtracked to where Twilight waited.

I can't help it! What with the sun beaming down on her, and those glowing emerald eyes...

The stallion felt himself being led off like a wandering sheep up until what self-control he could muster tugged his reigns back toward Twilight, who he found waiting and examining him head-to-hoof once closely following again.

“Is everything all right?” Twilight asked, concern speckled in her eyes. “You look kind of-”

“Oh, quite all right! I just thought I saw something strange, that’s all. Let's be on our way,” Gallant explained with a faked chuckle. “My tiredness is kicking in already; last night I couldn't sleep at all, restlessness and whatnot, you know the drill.”

“But didn't you say earlier that you slept just fine-?”

“Compared to, uh, the nights spent at Canterlot's knight training!” Gallant cut in. “Yes, those were difficult nights – or rather... difficult mornings. If my terrible speech isn't clue enough that I'm tired, well then, I don't know what is.”

He gave what felt like the cheesiest grin. A raised eyebrow from Twilight signaled her awareness of his unease. Ever so slowly she returned her focus on the way through the labyrinth and she continued to lead the way to the table of fellow Ponyville residents.

Well, that was close.

It wasn't long before the two arrived at their destination. Their table looked just as embellished as all the others. Large roses of red and white reaching out from a milky-white vase centered on the table. Pink and cherry cloths wrapped each set of silverware, which themselves were silvery pieces of artwork with hearts spun into their forms. The plates were fine porcelain pieces with unique heart and pony designs imprinted on the rims of each plate.

All Gallant could do was stare at the splendid display; in return, all of his friends collectively stared at him.

“Not hungry or something?” asked Colgate from across the table. “Or do you want recommendations? In my opinion, the french toast is-”

“He knows what's good, Brushie,” Vinyl interrupted. “I think he's got somethin' a little more special on his mind.”

“What?” Gallant yelped, trying to contain it to a chuckle of sorts. “What? Special? Vinyl Scratch, what gave you that idea?”

Vinyl rolled her eyes. “Oh, you know, just the fact that your eyes are drifting off every few seconds.” Upon finishing her statement, Gallant wasn't focusing on her anymore. “Come on, you can tell us. What's goin' on-? Yep, there he goes-”

He could see Prim Rose almost perfectly out of the corner of his eye. Her perfect countenance stood out from all the others, making her easy to find in the disarray of the hall. She ate with a certain grace, one Gallant did not often behold; after all, a number of the stallion's fellow Ponyvilleans generally had the table manners of goats.

“Gallant! Hellooooo.”

The gentlecolt felt a spoon smack against his cheek, instantly bringing his attention back to his table. Vinyl sat grinning, no signs of guilt but plenty of pride. “Is there a lucky mare involved?”

Gallant lifted his nose and answered with disdain, “It's none of your concern.”

“Gallant, what are you talking about?” Twilight remarked, shocked. “I thought we were going to try and help you with-”

“Oh no, don't tell me,” Vinyl started to laugh, “you're one of those 'shy stallions', aren't you? Seriously? Of all ponies, the big ol' brave one's scared of a little romance? I mean, I guess that’s the stereotype-”

“I don't see what being big and brave has to do with romance,” Gallant snorted. “Quite frankly, my only struggle is managing to properly express myself.”

“Aha! So you're suggesting there is a mare involved. Who is it?” Vinyl asked as she leaned in over the table; the others gradually followed suit.

“I'll only talk if I'm guaranteed good advice,” Gallant declared. “I'm not afraid of the approach, just what to say or do. How's that for groundwork?”

Vinyl nodded as she leaned back again, a look of understanding and slyness twisting the edges of her lips. “All right then, Big G, you got it. All we need to do is help you with some ideas to woo some mare so you two can get together and be happily ever after and bla bla bla. Right? In return, we get to see who the lucky mare is.”

Gallant felt his secrets ever so slowly drawn out like flavor from a stick of gum. Somehow every one of his confidants from his hometown seemed capable of doing so whenever they wished – which turned out to be quite often. Ponyvillean curiosity was the strongest of any kind Gallant had ever witnessed.

“You really wish to pursue this?” the gray stallion asked.

Everypony present shook his or her head as smart smiles started to turn mischievous.

Vinyl brushed strands of her untidy mane off to the side. “Let's see here, the best way to begin is by sayin' somethin', yeah? If the so-called 'art of speech' is anything like that of music, it probably starts with rhythm or tune...or somethin'.”

“Hold on one moment, are you suggesting that you're not experienced in this regard?” Gallant inquired. “Come to think of it, have any of you had romantic relationships?”

He looked to each of those seated before him one at a time, starting to his left. Twilight shook her head.

“I spend enough time doing research that I don't really have time to think about 'romance',” the bookworm clarified. “I don't have time to schedule in those kinds of things, either; not with how busy I usually am.”

He looked to Colgate, who simply waved a hoof and said, “If I needed a traveling companion, I'd rather get a pet or something.”

“A pet?” Gallant questioned.

“Well duh,” Colgate riposted, “they're good at following my lead. Also, they pretty much never talk back.”

To this, none of the others verbally responded, though a number of them exchanged concerned glances. The DJ, next in the circle, nodded her agreement.

Vinyl added concisely, “Music's the only love I need. True as blue and free as the sea.”

She immediately cranked her head to the side, leaving Starlight – who had been silent the entire time – in the spotlight. The stallion that had been eating in peace held a spoon of oatmeal up but couldn't get it to his mouth in time before dropping it, aware of the attention now fixed upon him.

“What? You mean you're asking me about sentimental experiences?” he asked, dumbfounded.

The others stopped and looked at each other, then shrugged.

“Yeah, I guess that is pretty ridiculous,” Vinyl commented.

“Hey!” Starlight objected, but fell back into his humble state. “I'm working on my approach... sort of.”

“Oh really?” Colgate inquired, leaning closer over the table. “You getting advice from Lyra? I heard she's good with-”

“No, Colgate,” came an exhausted voice from an approaching figure, “Lyra is definitely NOT reliable for good advice.”

The whole group looked to see Quirky's zombie-like appearance as she reached the table at a snail's pace. She set down her tray of plates, bowls, and cups – more than half of which had somehow been spilled or overturned along the way – and collapsed inches short of her seat.

“Weren't you gonna take a nap or somethin'?” Vinyl smirked.

“Well yeah, I was,” came the muffled reply through the seat cushion. Twilight helped the mare back onto her hooves with a magic tug and seated her at the last open spot at the table. “But before I had the chance to doze off I remembered that I can't sleep unless I have something in my stomach.”

Twilight gasped as her eyes swept around those seated at the table. “Wait a minute you guys, this is perfect!”

Quirky frowned. “What, that I'm starving-?”

“No, just look at everypony at this table,” Twilight remarked, which is exactly what each pony at the table did. They eventually threw their confused gazes back at the mare. “Really? No pony? Look: all of the artistic ones from Ponyville are right here at this table! Vinyl's the musician, Quirky’s the actress, Starlight’s the painter-”

“Since when were you an artist, Twi?” Vinyl remarked with a smart grin.

The bookworm glared at her friend. “Research is an art, Vinyl Scratch. Everypony knows that.” The others looked to one another, but no sign of agreement seemed to spread. Twilight brushed their empty expressions out of her mind and continued, “Look, if we want to help Gallant with this 'romantic situation', then we have to think together of a way to help him.”

“Look, here's what I don't get, Gallant,” Colgate began, “you don't have any issues walking up to that special somepony in mind? No fears at all?”

I've come face-to-face with a lot scarier individuals than mares.

“Essentially,” Gallant replied.

“Sweet,” Vinyl said, clapping her hooves together. “You just lack in the creative department. Let's get to it, then: what do we have to work with?”

The stallion tried to roll the question over in his mind a number of times, but the more he thought about it, the less it made sense. “What exactly do you mean by that?”

“You know, like what's your normal approach?”

Gallant racked his brain for an answer, but nothing really came to mind; nothing that he wanted to share, that is.

I... don't really have one.

“Gallant, I know you might be apprehensive, but this is the only way we can help you,” Twilight said, butting in. “If you don't let us know what you're comfortable with or how you normally would talk in this situation, we can't really expand upon your abilities.”

“What the hay, Twilight,” Colgate said as she jabbed a hoof into her friend's side, “who changed the order of the universe and made you a love expert?”

Twilight cleared her throat. “Well, to be honest, I've heard bits of advice here and there exchanged between some friends of mine, not to mention the number of books I've spent reading on this subject-”

“Look, Twi, we can talk about books and stuff another time. Right now we're talkin' real life,” Vinyl stated. “Whaddaya got for us, Big G? Strut your stuff.”

“W-What? I'm not approaching Prim- er, her now! I'm empty-hoofed!”

“No, dude, I mean practice,” Vinyl affixed. “Pretend... Quirky's your target. She's half asleep anyway, so she won't care what you say.”

Indeed, Quirky's head was buried in the bowl she had carried over. Luckily for her it had been empty after bobbling it about, leaving next to nothing inside. Gallant tried to picture Prim Rose's figure in her stead, her gleaming eyes and extraordinary mane and tail.

Her slightly rosy cheeks and strong build started to appear in front of the slumped body of the actress. The stallion could feel his chest pump out as if he were 'strutting his stuff'; the very phrase reminded him of past company.

What would they say to entice a mare..?

Gallant remembered one phrase that had been practiced and repeated within his circle of comrades but had never been said aloud. It was a special line, he figured, and so he rolled it through his mind a few times in order to perfect its execution. After a secure feeling set in, Gallant let the words flow straight to his tongue as he pictured Prim Rose looking him straight in the eye.

“You have the most perfect flank.”

A collective gasp nearly sucked the air from the entire hall. Breaths were held around the table as all eyes – including Gallant's in his sudden fright – fell on Quirky, the recipient of Gallant's honeyed words. The mare's head slowly lifted as her pink eyelids bobbed open and closed. A strange half-grin and half-frown made her lips look like a zigzag. Her head rolled in circles around her neck, until suddenly her face plopped back into the bowl before her.

The others let out a tremendously deep sigh.

“That's your idea of flattery!?” Twilight exclaimed, catching her breath.

Gallant stumbled, “Well, y-yes, I was aiming to-”

“Who in Celestia's name taught you to say that!?” Vinyl asked as her stomach began to ache from holding in explosive laughter. “Your pals from knight training?”

“Um... yes.”

“Apparently, not all knights are gentlecolts,” Colgate got out as her laughter roared alongside Vinyl's. The two nearly fell to the floor as they threw their heads back and kicked at the air.

Gallant could only stare; he had no clue what all was happening.

Twilight placed a hoof on his shoulder and sighed. “Look, Gallant, I know your intentions were good, but frankly that wouldn't be well-received. Maybe we should scrap everything you've 'observed' and start from scratch.”

“Start from scratch?” Starlight questioned. “But Hearts and Hooves Day isn't going to last more than twenty-four hours-”

Quirky's head suddenly popped up from the near-empty bowl in which it had been buried. Her eyes were fiery red as a terrible snarl shone her pearly whites – they looked more like a shark's than a regular pony's.

“Decorations'll be up all week! There's no way I helped setting this up ALL NIGHT just to take it down less than twenty-four hours later!”

And then her head plopped back into her bowl.

“What about festivities?” Twilight promptly asked in hopes of a follow-up. “Will there be stuff going on for the whole week as well?”

The group paused and stared, but Quirky didn't move a muscle.

Starlight chuckled, “That's funny, I thought she said she couldn't sleep unless she had a full-”

“Yes! All week,” Quirky suddenly shouted as she threw a hoof in the air, accidentally drawing the attention of a number of tables all around. Unaware of her volume - or rather, the situation entirely - Quirky stared at her food and started taking bites of what remnants were scattered on her tray.

The group waited for another random insert, but after a good minute of nothing but the sounds of Quirky's chomping and chewing, their expectations dissipated. Ears raised as all eyes fell on Gallant once more.

“What? What am I supposed to do?” asked the stallion in desperation. “I already showed you what I know, but apparently all I'll get is a good slap the face.”

“Worse than that, but that's beside the point,” Twilight mumbled. “What we need to do is give some suggestions. I'll start us off: I think I remember reading somewhere that the best encounters are the ones that you least expect-”

“Whoa, whoa, where'd you hear that bit?” Vinyl questioned as her teeth shone in a doubtful smirk. “Sounds like you're just quoting fairy tales or somethin'.”

“Well, I can't remember exactly where, but-”

“Then you of all ponies should know that's unreliable information,” Vinyl retorted smartly. “Go around spurtin' random ideas and you're no better than Lyr-”

Suddenly the table started shaking. All eyes shot over to Quirky, whose tired hooves were shaking with such rage that one could hardly tell she hadn't slept the night before. After the trembling drew attention of every surrounding group of diners, the tremor came to a sudden halt. All stared at the light lavender mare until she returned to her slow eating, quietly.

“You get my point, Twi,” Vinyl whispered.

The bookworm reluctantly complied. “Fine, but then do any of you have a better idea?”

Quirky loudly knocked on the table as she placed her hoofs on opposing ends. Without saying a word she began bobbing them up and down. One slowly inched over to where the other one was, and as soon as they were inches from one another they stopped. Then, one at a time, each one bounced up and down a number of times, until finally they hopped along together off the table.

And with that, Quirky went back to eating.

“Care to narrate?” Colgate requested.

“Really!?” Quirky growled. “Obviously I was signaling that you need to walk over to this mare's table, politely tell her your name, ask her to tell you hers, then say that you want to do something with her, and after agreeing walk off happily and do whatever it was you agreed to do.”

Twilight, as well as the others, blinked. “That... definitely oversimplifies things.”

“Fiddlesticks! You all just think too much about it,” Quirky said. “If it's one thing theatre has taught me, it's that you can literally work with almost nothing to make a wonderful something.”

Work with nothing... to make something?

It was like an order one of his captains had yelled at him during training. He was always called 'nothing', along with the others, but later would be labeled surely enough as 'something', sometimes 'something else'. The very sound of Quirky's idea made sparks fly as though a sword were being sharpened.

“Yes, I think I understand!” Gallant remarked victoriously. “Quirky, heeding your advice, I believe I know what I need to do.”

He rose from his seat with a new wave of confidence. Gallant could picture the perfect play-by-play in his head as he made his over to Prim Rose's table: his success, his walking away from the moment with the one mare that he truly admired – at least, that was what he thought the feeling was – by his side. He would become something, the something he always dreamed to be. Hearts and Hooves Day would no longer be the time he would fear every year.

His mind went off picturing scenes of the near future, of what would happen next, of the picture perfect moment when Prim Rose would look at him with her gorgeous green eyes, rich and vivid like the Western Wood, and utter the words “Why yes, I would love to go with you”.

Reality struck when something hit against his puffed-up chest mid-stride. He looked down to see he had run straight into a pony currently sitting at Prim Rose's table. Across the way was the mare herself, her gaze strong and inquisitive.

“A-Apologies!” Gallant laughed as he watched an evil glare emit from the eyes of the stallion he had run into.

His heart wrenched as he realized just what had happened and all that entailed, but he stayed sharp and tried his best to ignore the falter. He had seen great performances and fights turn even after a terrible warm-up.

Gallant raised his head and put on the most serious face he could as he looked his target in the eye. “Prim Rose, there is something I wish to ask you.”

The mare's skeptical gaze did not flinch, but instead thoroughly searched every inch of his body as he stood in wait; Gallant knew such was not strange for a future royal knight. With great patience and control he hoped for something, anything, to come out of Prim Rose's lips, but all she gave after a few seconds was an acknowledging nod.

Gallant continued, “I was wondering if, perchance, you have found somepony suitable with whom to spend time with over the course of this Hearts and Hooves celebration.”

Gallant bit his lip; he couldn't believe what he had just said.

Did I just speak those words? I-Impossible! Quirky's advice... it worked!

Prim Rose looked to each of those seated at the table, which Gallant suddenly realized were all stallions like himself: well-built, formal, and strong-looking unicorns. He held his ground as he had been taught in training despite the fact that a number looked ready to get up and attack him.

“I suppose I have,” Prim Rose finally stated, her voice loud and strong, yet contained, much like the royal Canterlot tone.

Gallant's mind went blank. He hadn't thought of the possibilities besides that of his acceptance. He tried to search for some kind of manner in which to follow the subtle refusal, but not a single phrase passed through his brain. Rather, a means of excusing himself ran laps through his head until he gave in to the dizziness.

“Very good then,” Gallant said, backing away hesitantly. “Good day to you, Prim Rose. Gentlecolts.”

Gallant stepped away from the group, which suddenly burst out in laughter as the stallion turned and headed back to his own table. Numb, the stallion backtracked to where his friend’s curious faces greeted him. For some time he couldn’t satisfy their lingering inquisitiveness. His mind was still processing all that had just occurred.

“Gallant?” Twilight asked softly. “What happened? Why were they laughing?”

“Twi, did you see who he just faced?” Vinyl asked with what little breath she could manage to draw in. “That was the Iron Mare, Prim Rose! Gallant walkin' up to her all lovey-dovey's like a fanfilly meetin' her idol. Prim Rose is the top prospect for becoming a royal guard, something Gallant would almost kill to be - no offense.”

“I don't think it matters who she is,” Twilight replied in an attempt to justify the stallion's actions. “Gallant seemed pretty sure of himself when he walked over. I would've thought she would appreciate the confidence.”

Rain started to patter against the windows, leaving a new chorus of noise to echo throughout the spacious hall. All but Gallant looked at the upper windows which displayed a dreary sky sitting above them, showering down tiny tears for the poor stallion. Gallant himself didn't notice, though; the realization of his failure rang loudly in his ears.

“Talk about timing,” Colgate muttered. “Whatever. Gallant, here's what I think: who cares if she's taken. When it's Hearts and Hooves Day, relationships are like unexplored terrain: there's a whole lot to discover!”

“That's possibly the weirdest analogy I've ever heard,” Vinyl smirked. “To add, Brushie, that's by far the creepiest thing you've ever said.”

“I thought it was clever,” Starlight murmured.

Colgate dismissed both of their remarks and added, “Anyway, Gallant, it doesn't matter if she's 'taken'. She wasn’t one of those ponies laughing when you walked away, after all. Probably didn’t see that, did you? What the hay, I say you go after her; it'll give you a nice confidence boost and whatnot. Knights like that kind of stuff, right?”

Vinyl nodded. “Not sure how I feel about that adventure thing still, but I am all for battling for somepony's affection. Actually sounds pretty fun to me, especially if I'm watchin', so here's my advice for the next move: do something sweet. You know, put on a performance or somethin'.”

Gallant blinked. “I don't sing.”

“How about... painting?”

Starlight's face lit up, but Gallant shook his head. “I'm not artistic in any way, shape or form, Vinyl Scratch.”

“Hmm, then we'll have to go a less artsy route,” Vinyl grumbled as she rubbed her chin.

“Take her somewhere!” Colgate hollered. “Mares love adventures.”

“No, little fillies named 'Colgate' like adventures-” Vinyl stopped mid-insult. “On second thought, that's not a bad idea...”

“I don't understand,” Gallant admitted as he leaned back and drew a breath. “She said 'no' to me already; wouldn't approaching her a second time wield the same result? Not that I'm afraid to check; it just seems counter-productive.”

“He has a point,” Twilight said. “How would we get Prim Rose to meet with Gallant without forcing it again? Won't she get tired of it eventually?”

Quirky pointed at Colgate with a swift motion, but her loose hoof ended up smacking the mare in the face. “Oops. Ask her. She specializes in getting ponies to do things they don't want to.”

Colgate rubbed her face, throwing an angry glare in the meantime. “Don't tell me you're referring to the whole cave incident-”

“What else?” Quirky asked, rolling her eyes. “You fooled quite a number of our friends into going.”

Every pony present paused as they reflected on the memory of Colgate’s mischief.

“Hey, you're right!” Colgate declared, suddenly proud. A flash of white followed by a thunderous roll went off outside as she stood and pondered the notion. “That gives me an idea.”

Gallant gulped; the weather and frightening look on Colgate's face matched up too perfectly for his liking. “R-Really?”

Colgate began rubbing her hoofs together as a menacing smile completed her devious countenance.

“Oh yes, Gallant, I have a wonderful plan in mind. It's just so wonderful that I might dare to call it... foal-proof.”

Next Chapter: Chapter 29 (Episode 8): Something Stolid This Way Comes Estimated time remaining: 4 Hours