"When the fuck am I gonna get outta this fuckin' desert?"

It was a question that he'd asked himself many times in the past while being trapped here, one that he felt held an answer that, not just he, but hundreds of people would care for. People who still remained despite boredom, or unnecessary prolonging, or even simple dragging of something like, I dunno, a story line. He had to admit that if anyone—and he meant anyone—was waiting for the answer to his question alongside him, whoever had it owed his audience a drink and a backrub. Not sexually, of course. That would be gross.

Delirious' now well-trained ears suddenly flicked upward on the sides of his head, disturbed by the hellish squeaking emanating from a wayward position to his right side. Twisting his upper body around from his position on the carpeted red rock floor, he coughed into a hoof and narrowed his blue eyes to look through the dark of the cave that wouldn't be there if someone hadn't decided to put curtains up. As far as he knew, it was still around one o' clock in the afternoon, definitely not a time for hermit-like behavior and seclusion befitting terrible blue horses such as he. Then again, the one he was specifying didn't have wings, but the point he was shooting at his skull still remained all the same.

The figure of a previously quiet stallion appeared to him from the opposite wall of the small cave, his body cradled in a tattered white hammock and his hooves currently resting on his bulging stomach. Bronco's eyes, prior tightly shut so as to not allow any amount of sunlight to disturb his daily nap, fluttered open like a shitty yellow Pegasus, followed shortly by his incessant yawning that bounced across the walls and sounded louder than it would have been elsewhere. The hammock's two ends—wrapped around a pair of wide stakes they'd taken from some losers in football gear—creaked as Bronco slightly fidgeted in his position to look at Delirious out of the corner of his eyes.

Nipping loudly, he mumbled, "What?"

Delirious worked his mouth around to try and work out an answer, but found that his throat wasn't really working. Though a bit against such a compromising thing, he brought a hoof up to his chin and lifted his mask up just a bit, then curled the appendage and hacked into it with the vigor of a dying meth cooker. He shook his head once again as he looked down and found yet another patch of leaves splattered across the underside of his hoof, then simply discarded the excrement by flinging his hoof this way and that. Turning his attention back to Bronco, he spoke, "Well I mean, like, I've been here too long an' shit."

"Kid," Bronco said, shaking his head as he stared back at the ceiling, "everypony out here has been 'ere too long." He nipped once more, a thunderous smacking of lips that would have made any mortal cringe and reach for any firearm a la Cobain. No I'm not sorry.

"No I mean... fuck, like, I can fly an' shit." He unfurled his right wing, slightly winced at its ruffled and beaten look, and continued, "Not all too well, but I can fly. Why haven't I flown back ta civilization or hitched a ride on a fuckin'... cloud or something?"

Bronco rolled his eyes. "Beats me, kid."

"Before I got here, it was all, like, chill and shit!" Delirious exclaimed, shrugging to himself. "Just fuckin' around with my friends and doin' whatever the hell we wanted!"

"We all had lives before gettin' trapped out here, kiddo," Bronco replied, "and some of ours may not have been as... carefree as yours, but we had 'em."

Delirious tilted his head, snorting all the while. "Shit, you had a life?"

Bronco shook his head, but he gave a little smirk. "Yup." His brown hoof reached over to the side of his hammock and tapped the light tan Stetson patiently waiting on the dresser like an obedient canine. "Was part of the law up in Dodge Junction."

Delirious cocked an eyebrow, sitting up and rustling the carpet underneath his ass, "No shit, really?"

"Oh hell," came the telltale sound of a certain mare from behind Delirious, "not this again." He turned to find Crab Apple, her attention now diverted from the spoiled plates hovering in her magic around her to the conversation happening a few feet away. Shaking her head—and jostling her long green mane in the process—she said, "If you're gonna tell him, Bronco, don't beat around the bush with it like you do with those sorority girls."

So it was story time then, huh? Delirious, reclining backward a little bit, reached around with his right foreleg, hooked it on what he needed, and slowly slid it over to his side. Picking it up, he grabbed it in both of his hooves and squeezed his now obvious teddy bear's body, a playful squeak bursting out of its insides. The sound, which caught both Crab Apple and Bucking Bronco off guard, caused them to jump and wave their eyebrows at him. He narrowed his eyes. They rolled theirs.

"Dodge Junction was pretty shit. Bar sucked ass, the ponies never stopped complaining, and the sheriff was corrupt. Bastard came to us one day and said he was gonna marry a mare. We were all thinking, like, it'll be a girlfriend, or somepony who actually knew 'im, but no," he recounted, now throwing a hoof in Crab's direction, "he wanted ta marry Crab here. Now, I dunno if you noticed it before when she touches every single flower and sticks her hoof in every little nook and cranny she finds, but Crab here..." the mare straightened her posture and puffed out her chest, "...is gay as fuck."

Delirious clucked the inside of his mouth with his tongue. "Huh."

"Anyway," Bronco continued, letting out a heavy sigh as he adjusted his position on the hammock once more, "so I took Crab and helped her hitch a ride on the train outta there, but the sheriff sent the whole town after us and said we were takin' all the shitty beer from the bar. We..." he coughed into a hoof with swift dexterity, "...acquisitioned a wagon and got the hell out of there. Headed south, got stuck, walked the rest of the way into here. Now, we're trapped," Bronco turned his head to look at Delirious now, "and you are too."

"We can just... go east, can't we?" Unfazed by Bronco's instant shaking of his head, Delirious added, "This desert doesn't stretch forever."

Bronco continued his prior action, this time more firmly and definitely in a way that silently claimed he knew what he was talking about. "Oh trust me, we and many others have tried to get the hell outta this shithole of a desert. Lemme tell you," he said pointing a hoof at Delirious, "it ain't easy." He lay back down on his hammock, groaned from somewhere down in his throat, and continued, "Every time you try ta get out, there always some kinda... fuckin' phenomenon that keeps ya in. Sandstorm, spontaneous fire in yer wagon, wildlife, you name it. This place is probably cursed by Tirek himself, hell I'd believe it."

Tirek. What the fuck kinda name was that? Who the hell was Tirek?

"Then why are we heading east, anyway?" Delirious instead asked, lifting his chin to witness Bronco's reaction.

The ex-deputy shut his eyes and sucked in a breath, then opened them and replied, "We're planning on heading east to see if there's some kinda community nestled in the Hayseed Swamps we can hide in. Get some supplies, a nice bed, until we can figure out what the hell ta do when we make it back to Dodge Junction."

"Didn't you just tell me there's no way outta here?" Delirious asked, crossing his forelegs.

"I said it wasn't easy. I didn't say it was impossible."

"If you've tried before, what makes you think you'll be better off this time?"

Crab spoke up from the other side of the cave, "Well, I was going to ask you later, but I guess now is as good a time as any."

Delirious swiveled about to look at the mare, then turned and looked at Bronco as well. Screwing up his face, he asked, "What?"

"Don't even tell me you're thinking what I think you are," Bronco spat, a hiss on his lips as he sat up and glared at the mare.

Delirious wasn't stupid. He caught on pretty quick. "What, you want me to come with you?"

"I don't see why not," Crab replied, earning a well-rehearsed sigh of exasperation from Bronco, "and with your guns and prowess, we could fight off whatever tries keeping us in. You wanna get out of here, don't you? You said so yourself that this desert phase is dragging on too long, didn't you?"

"Especially if it ends up bein' that bird. We gotta watch out for that fuckin' thing too. Massive. Fast. Ain't no use shootin' the damn thing, so we run or we hide and lay low as much as possible," Bronco piped up, his hooves reaching to the dresser sitting next to his hammock, "I've seen that bird tear up whole caravans and leave nothin' for the vultures before. It ain't pretty."

Crab nodded and hummed in agreement, her horn's aura sputtering as she returned her attention to her dishes. "If you wanna join us, we're going to make one more scavenging trip tomorrow and start heading out."

Thoughts of returning to Ponyville burst through his head and swirled around his brain. He had to find his friends as well, didn't he?

Where the fuck were they?

"Hey, Delirious." He turned to face Bronco, whose muzzle was currently dipped into the front page of a surprisingly well-maintained newspaper. The ex-sheriff looked up at him and said, "Check this shit out." Clearing his throat, he wriggled his back around and read, "'The aftermath of last month's mass robbery in Ponyville, which has ended in substantial loss of property and lives, has taken its toll on the citizens of the town, and the country as a whole. Princess Celestia herself has ordered that all roads and borders be cut off so as to deter the group of thieves from escaping. Royal Guards are still on the hunt for these dangerous individuals, and have staked out cities like Manehattan, Appleloosa, and Los Pegasus to find them. Equestrians suspect that Changelings were involved, which has led to much heated controversy from the overseas Griffon Kingdom.'"

Bronco chuckled. Delirious suppressed a gulp.

"You know about this shit?"

His reply was almost a little too fast.

"Nope."

Author's Notes:

No, the chapter title isn't a misprint.

Also, I know it's super dickish and outright fucked up to say that something will happen when it actually doesn't, but Delirious filming a video has been scrapped from this chapter. I know. I'm sorry.