What the hell.

“How did you get this?” I asked Gallant. “How in the HELL did you get this?!”

“I snuck into her room while she was taking a nap,” Gallant replied. “Since she hasn’t been right, she’s been sleeping more and seeing ponies less.”

“But how did you get it off of her?!” I asked. “Avarice said it was on this necklace, and it was in between her boobs!”

“Well, she takes off everything when she sleeps,” Gallant said simply. “It’s kinda easy to take things at that point. I kinda got caught though. I wasn’t supposed to be on shift there, or anywhere near the inside of her room. It’s why I said that I’m a former Sergeant.”

“Well, thank you,” I said, getting up and hugging the ex-guardsmare. “Thank you so much. This is the one die that means a lot. It’s really important.”

“Well, it’s the least I could do,” she said. “I mean, you’re taking me in. So think of it as my way of saying thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” I said, letting go of the mare. “Listen, I have to go search through some stuff, see if I can’t summon someone to help me.”

“You do that,” she said. “I’ll be here with the rest of us.”

“See ya later!” I called out to the mare as I walked away.

I eventually came upon the place where I had stashed all of the Tokens that had appeared. Among them was the Team Rocket coin, the Rupee (which I had yet to use), the Escafil device, and the Runic Portal Matrix. A few new tokens had appeared as well.

“What the hell?!” I said, picking up a comic book. “Power Ponies and DOOM?! And what’s this? Some book…” I shuddered. “Creepy, feels like someone’s watching. But why hasn’t the beacon appeared?”

Just as I said that, I heard a loud BOOM noise. I ran outside of the cave that contained the Tree of Harmony, just in time to see something falling from the moon. It was coming in fast and impacted the ground, causing a crater to form. The crater was littered with little purple rocks, they looked familiar, like I had seen them somewhere before. And hey, right in the center of the crater was the Hyperion Acquisition Beacon, the token I was looking for, looking very pristine despite all the damage in the crater..

“Okay, now to try this,” I said. “Handsome Jack! I need some help if you please. I can offer something in return if you’d respond!”

“Safety Test Code is in effect. System lockout for safety reasons, upon arrival of wilderness environment.” the beacon replied.

“...... WHAT THE HELL?!” I shouted. “What do you mean ‘system lockout’?!”

The beacon only responded with the same line. No matter what I said, it just said the same thing. If I asked nicely, ‘System Lockout’. If I yelled at it, ‘System Lockout’. If I begged and pleaded for Jack to show up on my hands and knees, ‘System Lockout’. I couldn’t get it to work no matter what I did. It’s too bad I couldn’t leave the forest, ‘cause I think that’s what was causing the whole lockout in the first place. Hell, I did try moving it, but the inside didn’t work either. Apparently the whole thing that Celestia did screwed up my chances to call Jack. Then again, I’d say it was, too. I mean, the chamber with the tree kept making noises and dropping dust, and the Organ room had a ton of rubble resting on top of it. I eventually brought it back out to the crater to enact my last plan.

“WORK DAMN YOU!” I yelled as I started beating the beacon with one of the purple rocks. The rock felt of energy and pain, kind of fun to hold, but also HORRIBLE. “WORK!” I yelled one more time before the rock cracked against the beacon.

Next thing I knew, there was a flash, and I wasn’t in ‘Kansas’ anymore.

Meanwhile, in another universe:

Jack was grumbling and giving the F.A.U.S.T. walking calmly along beside him a sidelong look even in his early morning start with a just as sleepy Princess Glitterstone holding a giggling baby Pandora. Whom somehow took the edge off his irritation for a short time until reaching the kitchen, crystals fucking everywhere with these ponies and how the light always reflects off them easily!

Upon entry the only thing to receive was a cup of nice warm zebracan coffee, it’s nice they weren’t just known for their tea anymore. Might have been the longing taste for his FIRST coffee in so long, which happened to be just ruined by a flash of purple light and his hand on near instinct by this point drawing his Nemesis Pistol leveling it at the poor fucker who’s decided to ruin HIS FUCKING COFFEE! “Purple spark I swear if this is you again, I’ll ram this gun up your alicorn asshole!”

“WHOA WHOA WHOA! I’m not Purple spark! I’m Dox!” I said, holding up my arm in defence. “I only wanted some help!”

I then turned to look at the pony next to Jack, the first thing I saw was a Hyperion Yellow Business suit. It fit her like a latex body suit and showed off all her curves. Noticeable heeled hoof shoes….. which had ‘stockings’? I gazed up higher, only noticing a smooth robotic finger pointing further up as if ‘knowing’ where I was looking. That reached a buttoned skirt that could go from conservative business to sexy hip show which covered her hips and a buttoned suit jacket barely covering her bust that only a mother next door would have, with a small silver and gold H badge on her vest under her suit jacket. I kept looking up until I saw a jaw dropping fair white, smooth, beautiful face with plush looking lips, her sharp beautiful teal glowing eyes could be seen as a mane like red cables and tail were noticeable by her sway and walk when it would cover one eye normally.

Holy crap, whoever was with Jack was HOT!

“Hello there, miss,” I said to the female, now ignoring Jack pointing his gun at my forehead with a cocked hammer. “Is it hot in here, or is it just you?”

She gave an amused look before leaning closer speaking in a voice that made her casual talk the prime example of audio erotica by that voice. “Thou do seem to attract the attention of many a strange stallion, displaced or not our Handsome Jack. But at least he seems to have the balls to openly compliment a mare while being a trigger from death.” she smiled giving a calming gesture that could easily be seen saying ‘Are you fucking kidding me’ as he directed it at the beauty.

“Faust, you know that shit happens always when I am around. Just glad he isn’t causing trouble yet like a couple of twin brats..” Seeming to completely disregard me as he put the gun down, finally taking a sip of his first coffee, only to give out a pleasure inducing sigh that this Faust clearly smiled at, even making a note for more?

“So, um, anyways,” I said. “About that help.”

Both of them looked back at me, Jack giving a shrug gesturing to the Diner Table with a crystal pony holding a filly in her arms took the head seat, while Jack and now named faust sat closest to them. “You might as well join us since you crashed my sacred coffee moment and ruined it…” Jack said giving me a death glare that was subdued by him drinking more as he perked with it drunk.

“Yeah, sorry about that,” I said, taking a seat on the opposite side of the table. “Anyways, if you can’t tell, I’m kinda missing something…. I want to know if you could help me by replacing it.”

Lifting an eyebrow as Jack looked me over, looking confident only to say these words out with a mock jovial tone. “And here I thought you were making some type of fashion statement, because fashion ponies can be a bit crazy.” Only to look serious at the end of that statement.

“Dick,” I said in response. “I don’t care about fashion. It’s overrated… And I’m also wondering while we’re on the subject of my arm, if we could fix my hoodie and shirt, too.”

Giving me another look saying this calmly while pointing at the hoty named Faust while not taking his eyes off mine. “Well how would you be paying for all that? Because we’re under some problems here regarding ‘vault hunters’.” He paused making literal quotes with his fingers, as if he wasn’t sure of it himself.

“Vault hunters?” I asked sarcastically. “Don’t you have a train leading out to the middle of nowhere for that? Or how about calling out the warrior? Oh wait, both of those failed on the same damn people. And one of those guys was a freaking Psycho! How did you screw up that badly? I mean, you may be displaced, but the real Jack killed freaking Roland! You can do better than him! MUCH BETTER! If you want me to help with that, though, I need the arm first.”

Well, my little speech had an effect on him….. It just wasn’t what I wanted it to be, ‘cause Jack pulled out his gun again and put it to my forehead. Firing literally just above my head before bringing it down just a bit, as the two crystals and the servants in the room stopped to look at us. “I am NOT him. I considered myself the good guy, and helped bring the old pony empire in the old country into a golden age, until the Chaos Wars which killed many a unicorn and draconequus. My tech and Faust’s power alone assured the pony tribes a continued existence while Discord was rather accepted because young as he and us were didn’t side with his species.” He took a moment to drink some more of his coffee.

“Though Faust here, as you will see, is very much alive because of me bastardizing life and science. After that, for awhile I helped the tribes rebuild, my two other buddies, Celestia and Luna, worked to reunite them under their rule, which by that point I left with Discord to try and find any more of his species, namely any family. I hate winter because of that..” Looking into his cup before drawing another drink to continue. “I helped the Crystal Ponies get out of their isolationist ways, founded the Hyperion Headquarters in what is today known as the ‘Badlands’. Funny enough it was once called Filli-Glade, I wanted it as ‘New Eden’ but my workers took a vote. But after awhile I left to go on a world tour to try and get my head straightened out, had good times but mostly bad. Been enslaved in a Minotaur gladiator pit in their capital?” He took this moment to pause for me to possibly respond.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t know…. The worst I’ve had is Celestia trying to kill me with freaking solar blasts. Or a giant Tirek trying to kill me. Or better yet, a Tirek who’s now a freaking fell shadow! No, scratch that, fell eclipse. He has the powers of a freaking Demon Lord and a fucking ghost!”

Giving me a look he snorted before looking at faust again to say this. “I think the bitch was going easy on him, she used the full might of the sun down on our heads when the shield was up all those years ago and still got through. But that’s how i got my ‘lovely’ new complexion all thanks to that fucking siren lilith, just like in the prequel sequel..” Giving a clear deadpan while mentioning lilith.

“Did I forget to mention a giant dragon?” I said. “A void dragon, for that matter. Ever find one of those? Or better yet, have you ever felt the sensation of dying? I’m not joking, I’ve been killed before. Last time, Celestia petrified me and then smashed me with a FUCKING WAR HAMMER!”

“I have a few responses to that, Badass Loaders with explosive ordinance does wonders to tearing up the softer insides. If the shells don’t get through, no matter the type, one of the rounds always works. Literally need only three to take on an adult, also a little think called a ‘new you’ station feels like being brought back by defibrillator paddles, all over.” He seemed to have experience with that bit.

“So apparently you do,” I said. “What about being eaten? Actually, don’t answer that. As much as I’d like to compare my horrible life with yours, I’d rather not. Can I just say that I’m sorry, and we can get to what we’re going to inevitably agree to so I can get a new arm?... and maybe some jet boots?”

He made another gesture to Faust before speaking again. “So how will you pay for that? Because transactions happen for a reason. Hyperion is a company, and right now we’re overhauling the Crystal Empire to modern/golden age levels.” Waving a now empty coffee cup only for it to be refilled by a crystal pitcher that he looked at it with a twitch of an eyebrow seeing the two crystal ponies at the head of the table giggling and looking adorably cute of a mother and daughter at Jack’s reaction.

“Well, the least I can do is offer my services,” I said. “I could also help out with some tech, maybe. Or maybe even these vials.” I pulled out the vials, only to see the all rainbows that were once held inside had gone grey… Well, all but the distilled ones, but like hell I’d give those up. “What the hell? These aren’t supposed to be this color. They’re supposed to be different, full of power. What happened to them?! Wait!” I quickly pulled out the d6 and the d20. The d6 had turned grey, just like the vials. The d20, however, was just a slightly lighter shade of red. “What the hell is up with these things? Big guy, I’d like some answers!”

Jack looked at my response or what look had crossed my face when he refilled his cup once more, also having apparently got a bacon grilled breakfast with eggs and toast. “Got performance issues or something? Because those brats’ draconequus was ‘bug’ on faust’s scan of chaos power reading. Though, if you have the ultimate alicorn amazon warrior queen on your side, you don’t get phased by much or scared. Or it is simply because I trust her to have my back.” At that point a slithering misty shadow entered the room and formed a pure black alicorn wearing a simple nightie pressing herself against the back of jack’s current chair nuzzling him. “Also if you have THE nightmare incarnate using you as a snuggle pillow, that makes anything else just a cough…”

“What happened to the DM?” I said aloud, shaking the dice in my hand. “Come on, big guy. I need a little help here!”

Jack simply shrugged while Faust extended a hand out to me. “Let us give them a bit of a boost, likely there is some form of interference.” Soon enough taking said dice, pouring what looked to be a tiny bit of chaos magic into them, likely NOT to have any strange reactions or changes.

“And that’s supposed to help how?” I said. A few seconds after that, the d20 started glowing brightly again. Huh, it worked….

What the hell is going on over there?! Where did you go, Dox? I can’t see into the universe you’re in! For some reason, that section of the void is warded off. Who’s over there?!

“Uh, I don’t know who did that,” Dox said. “Glad to hear you again, though. And hey, rainbows are back!”

F.A.U.S.T. merely smiled, as if having heard the conversation, and in her erotic tone spoke up. “It is rather interesting to hear a being of ‘your’ caliber being unable to accomplish something like that, because I think last we spoke you were curious about a custom character for a future champion?” She started giving me a wink that may or may not have given me a blush.

Oh great, so that’s why it’s warded. You’re in her sector. Hello you cold hearted metal bitch. Hows your corrupted ass world doing?

Her eyes narrowed dangerously at the D20, turning a shade chaotic for a brief moment as if giving a slap. “Thou doesn’t direct crude words towards as lovely maiden as us, for it only lowers thou character of honor.” Giving Jack a loving nuzzle that he didn’t shrug off, only to look confused at himself muttering about being into human women and not other species rather weakly an argument.

Listen, I don’t care why he’s there, I want him back. NOW. I don’t want him leaving that world with your corruption. I want that ‘Architect of Corruption’ to stay as far away from him as possible. They’re not to touch him. If it does, so help me I will come over there. And I mean physically come over there. I don’t care if it destroys everything, that thing is to stay where it is. Sending Tirek was my test, and he’s-

“HOLD UP A GOD DAMNED SECOND!” I screamed. “YOU sent Tirek at me?! Do you even KNOW what became of that dick?! He’s the one who’s restraining you now! And it’s all because you sent him to Hell! You fucking JACKASS! Do you know what you’ve caused now?!”

I will admit, it was a mistake. I didn’t foresee him becoming what he is now. I apologize for that, Dox. I would change the past if I could-

F.A.U.S.T. coughed lightly at the mention of that, earning a look from Jack while she continued. “The ‘all powerful’ DM cannot simply roll for an event of that nature to happen? It is rather unbelievable as it has been done before.” Stating a bit with pride, only for Jack to facepalm, motioning her closer as I for the first time saw a spike in Jack before she suppress whatever it was with a solution from a needle that looked like a sedative.

How dare you question me! I am not some puny god, and I will be-

“Is he okay?” I interrupted, more interested in Jack than my ‘boss’.

Sighing F.A.U.S.T. took the lead when Jack motioned towards me as he was recovering, looking to be regaining some color in the process. “Our Jack, long ago in the former headquarters for Hyperion was weathering the assault by the princesses. Having evacuated personnel to form line ques to escape while he maintained the barrier, which was until Celestia used the full might of the sun in a solar strike to cleave through the shield and MELT those whom survived the shock only for the flash heat to turn them into dry boiled meat puddles, even foals. But around that time a Vault Hunter by the name ‘Lilith’ or ‘that fucking bitch, she punched me’ destroyed a purified Eridium artifact that Jack had been painstakingly with high risks to his own life accomplished only to have it smashed in his face as it would have provided him a ascended status to have immortal genes merged into his system only for it to be interrupted.” She only stopped seeing Jack just stare at the table in a twitch of horror, now plastered across the once boisterous face of Handsome Jack.

“Holy crap,” I said. “I’m sorry I ever said anything bad about him now. Ya know what, I’ll help you out with the Vault Hunters, I just need an arm first.”

The silence was permeable, until Jack quietly mumbled something I couldn’t hear. As only to be given a smile in return from F.A.U.S.T. responding as to what was said. “He has agreed to thou terms, though he has stated that the brand would be for one of our model’s arms be used as the proper payment for services to be rendered.” She made a show of having me see it’s quality was like a work of sex and art mixed together.

“The brand?” I said. “Well, duh. As far as I can tell, Hyperion is the only company that makes GOOD arms. I mean, seriously, how hard is it to make an arm? Apparently only you guys got it right.”

That got Jack to weakly laugh giving a quip. “Well none of those limp bastards are like yours truly, though i’ll have to perform the cybernetic surgery on you to than attach it.” Giving me what seems like a warning of what’s needed to be done for this.

“That mean I’ll have to get that special eye like Rhys had?” I asked.

Quirking an eyebrow before a ghost of a smile appeared, lifting his head finally. “Well here I thought you wanted to go all ‘space marine’ on me with gene seed on your fucking mug, but I guess one good eye will have to do.” It may have been more of a joking tone, given about all that he’ll do.

“Just leave my green eye, if ya can,” I said.

Nodding at that before jack gave the two crystal ponies who were now hugging him in tears as he mouthed towards me their names. ‘Princess Glitterstone and her daughter Pandora, I’m legally her ‘adopted uncle’ by royal decree since a couple days ago.’

After saying hi and everything to the girls, I was led off by F.A.U.S.T., who disappeared at one point. Next thing I knew, however, I got a sharp pain in my back and saw a red light. These were my last words before I blacked out:

“Not a-fucking-gain.”

I was woken up by a slap to the face.

When I opened my eyes, I noticed that I was in a medical ward. So that’s what the bitch did. Drugged me and slipped me in here while I was unconscious. Did she put the arm on yet, or did she want me to-

And that’s the arm waving at me…. Damn it. It’s already attached…. but I can’t really move it. It’s like it has a mind of its own. What the hell? Did they not fully install the damn thing onto me yet? Now it’s doing freaking sign language! What the hell is up with my arm?!

“Are you sure it’s supposed to be acting like that? Because it only started wigging out the moment we finished with attachment, it even broke the restraints.” I could hear Jack talking about my arm to someone, maybe F.A.U.S.T. as it pointed towards the noise.

“Guys,” I said. “What the hell is going on? I’d like to know why my arm is wigging out and why I can’t freaking CONTROL IT!” The sound of movement drew my attention as jack came into view.

“Well honestly it is the first time doing this on a displaced, so your biology is likely the cause. Or what your ‘big guy’ might be doing, since you are apparently some big ‘champion’.” He said this using air quotes each time to make the point clear.

“Big guy!” I screamed. “Cut it the fuck out!”

Sure, once you leave that cursed universe.

“Up yours, big guy,” I said. “I kinda need my arm to be useful right now, not sentient.” The arm slapped me for that. Right in the nads…. WHY THE NADS?!

Giving a cough Jack looked to have shared that pain at one time, or just male empathy towards nad hitting. “Well if things are settled I could send you back though do you have a token? Make’s keeping in track to get help rather easier.”

“Yeah, I do,” I said. “If ya see a purple d6 that looks like it has a galaxy in it, that’s mine. Feel free to call me, ‘cause I do owe you for this. I just wish I could give you a better version of it.”

Nodding softly before suddenly the whiplash of being thrown ass first into a portal apparently by F.A.U.S.T. was where she was at in all this, making me give out a manly battle cry.

“GOD DAMN IT!”

I reappeared in the chamber that held the Tree of Harmony….

Sad thing was, I fell on my ass….

…. I was wearing a hospital gown. It hurt a ton.

“DAMN IT!” I screamed. “Why did she have to do that?! And where the hell are my clothes?!” Oh great, the dice are glowing again. “What the hell do you want? I’m still angry with you!”

Just check your ‘magic satchel’. I told F.A.U.S.T. to put everything in it.

“And just HOW do I get into it?” I asked aloud. “I mean, it’s not like it’s some kind of pocket that’s made out of thin air!”

Why is it today just hates me? I mean seriously, the next thing that hit my hand was a freaking ‘pocket’, which I pulled open to reveal the pocket of space time known as a magic satchel….. God damn it. Well, at least my clothes got repaired. Oh hey! There’s an extra set in here, too! Wow, Hyperion is better than I thought…… Wait, what’s up with the second set? Sparkly glove…. Hyperion logo on the hoodie….. Damn it Jack.

Author's Notes:

Crossover with Architect of Realities and their story Handsome Jack's Return.
Fun author to work with. If you're able to do so, I say check out their story and say hi.
Also, now Dox has a new arm... which is sentient for the time being. Wonder what it'll do.....

Anyways, this is a tired Music Mod, signing off at about 1:00 AM.