Know your Mare

by Overlord-Flinx

First published 19th of April, 2012

It's silly, it's pointless, and it makes little to no sense... I've heard of worse story ideas.

A 'Know your Star' story; only with your favourite ponies getting unneeded hassle and lies told about them. Won't this be fun? Probably not... But hey, everything can't be seriousness all the time, so let's take a load off and just pester some ponies, and Spike for good measure.

The never ending adventures of Know Your Mare march on and on and on.

Comic: http://ladlordblack.deviantart.com/favourites/#/d53s1hc
Animation: Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_c7CPLlzO8&list=LLAaWYxICqZHBI2hBIxg2oEg&feature=mh_lolz
Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hqYTZ1TKNfk&feature=g-u-u
Picture: http://luna-is-best-pony.deviantart.com/art/Know-Your-Mare-314464512

Twilight Sparkle

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

The purple pony in the center of the dark room smiled a little as the male voice echoed through the area around her.

Twilight Sparkle…

…is a conspiracy nut…

"Conspiracy nut? Not at all. I will admit that prier to Nightmare Moon's release I was rather hung up on her possibility. But I was proven right so…"

Twilight Sparkle…

…never passed Magic Kindergarten…

"I-I did! Honest. I could go get my certificate… It's hung over my bed in a frame."

Twilight Sparkle…

…takes gems from Spike while he's sleeping…

"I would never—"

…Then puts his hand in a bowl of water…

"Why would I—"

…Then calls him a bed wetter the next day…

"Lies! These are nothing but lies!"

Twilight Sparkle…

…thinks this is a conspiracy to make her look bad…

"Well, now that you mention it…"

Twilight Sparkle…

…Just confirmed she's a conspiracy nut…

"I am not a conspiracy nut! And I don't do any of those things."

Now you know…

…Twilight Sparkle…

"I can't say that they do."

I can. Because I'm a disembodied voice…

"I'm out of here… I am going to send a strongly written report to Princess Celestia the moment I'm out of here about how twisted this show is…" stomping out of the single light, Twilight faded away before being followed by a loud door slam.

Trixie

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

The star designed purple wizard hat upon the mare's head dipped a little as she smirked proudly.

Trixie—

"The Great and powerful Trixie, if you'd please."

The Great and Powerful Trixie...

…hates her mane…

"Hat my mane? Absurd! Who could possibly hate such a luxurious and magnificent silver mane like my own?"

The Great and Powerful Trixie…

…Is homeless…

"I'm not—Well… I wasn't until recent events. But I could have another one built in no time."

The Great and Powerful Trixie…

…Can't afford to bathe…

"What makes you say that? Do I smell? I bathe regularly! I assure you!"

The Great and Powerful Trixie…

…does favors for Twilight Sparkle for food…

"Not in a million years! I'd rather be stripped of my magic and eat dirt then take one knee to that upstart!"

The Great and Powerful Trixie…

…traded her powers to Twilight for a sandwich…

"Where are you hearing these lies? The Great and Powerful Trixie demands names!"

The Meek and Powerless Trixie…

"What did you call me?"

…she robs tip jars…

"Once! I took it once! The service was far from befitting my magnificent presence. They owed me that tip for the poor service!"

Now you know…

…Trixie…

"They don't! They think I'm a poor beggar with ratty hair because of you!"

Dial the number below and help this mare get off the streets… and off Twilight Sparkle's lawn…

"The Great and Powerful Trixie is never on any of these things! I'm not poor, I'm not poor!" the blue mare shouted with a slight whine as the light showing her faded to black.

Applejack

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

The blond mane pony adjusted her hat with a hearty smile while waiting in the single spotlight lit room.

Applejack…

…is a cheater…

"A cheat? Me? Well that there's just pony feathers. I never cheated in ma' life."

Applejack…

…is an artist…

"Well now, that's mighty kind of ya' ta' say; but I can't agree with that. I'm not much for—"

…A con-artist…

"Listen here buddy-boy, I ain't no flimflamming Flim or Flam, no sir! I work a good, honest business at Sweet Apple Acers."

Applejack…

…bribed Flim and Flam to ruin their cider…

"That's underhanded! They lost 'cause they got reckless and too full on themselves."

Applejack…

…endorses slavery…

"Will ya' stop that? Yer' spoutin' nothin' but lies! I've never put other ponies in slavery!"

Applejack…

…puts ponies before all other species…

"Now that ain't fair. I give cattle, sheep, even pigs a place ta' live!"

Applejack…

…keeps all the money her family makes for herself…

"Steal from ma' family? Steal from ma' family? I'd sooner eat ma' own hat than cheat the family!"

Now you know…

…Applejack…

"Consarnit! Yer' not even listening!" throwing her hat to the floor, Applejack stormed off into the dark, cursing the lies she was forced to hear.

Fluttershy

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

The single pony with her yellow coat curled up a little worried as the voice came echoing off.

Fluttershy…

…has romantic feelings for Rainbow Dash…

"Oh my, no. She's a—And I'm a—So I—eep…"

Fluttershy…

…runs a smuggling ring…

"A smuggling ring? That sounds just awful. Why would I be a part of that?"

Fluttershy…

…abducts animals for trafficking her smuggling…

"Animal abuse? That's just horrible! Oh, the poor bunnies, and kitties, and— Oh, I can't bare to think about that."

Fluttershy…

…cheated her family for the deed to her cottage…

"I would never! They gave it to me because they thought I was responsible; and so my animals wouldn't make a mess of their home."

Fluttershy…

…puts animals before family…

"That's not what I meant. Please stop telling lies about me?"

Fluttershy…

…bribes Rainbow Dash with Wonderbolt Tickets so she'll be her friend…

"That's heartless! We're friends. We don't need to buy each other's affection."

Fluttershy…

…just said she and Rainbow Dash are in love…

"Wah. Please stop being so mean!"

Now you know…

…Fluttershy…

"You are so mean," with a whimper, Fluttershy bolted out from under the light and into the darkness.

…Well now I feel bad…

Princess Celestia

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

Regally the pure white mare stood with her rainbow-hue mane drifting along her back as she formed a smile at the start of the words.

Princess Celestia…

…She's old…

"Well, that goes without saying."

…and it shows…

"Are you implying I look elderly? I assure you I most certainly don't… I at least think not."

Princess Celestia…

…she wears a wig…

"That's most certainly untrue; I'd like you to know. My sister and I both are gifted with magnificent manes. Please keep your statements to facts."

Princess Celestia…

…she lowers the sun when she doesn't want to work…

"I can't say I've ever done that… more then once, heh heh."

Princess Celestia…

…has a Royal Nose picker…

"Why would I have one of—Wait a moment… No, no. It's still untrue."

Princess Celestia…

…banished her parents but keeps her title because it makes her sound younger…

"Banishing people without warrant? Family no less? Sir, I won't stand for you smearing anymore lies on my good name."

Now you know…

Princess Celestia…

"They certainly don't. You realize I'm the princess, right? I will not standby and let you continue these lying acts," with a flex of her wings, Princess Celestia stormed off out of the light in the room.

Rarity

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

The white mare flipped her purple mane back with a proud smile as she batted her eyelashes in the single light above her.

Rarity…

…is embarrassed of her family…

"Well, what young filly wouldn't be a little indifferent about their family? But I do love them, really I do."

Rarity…

…tells her sister not to sing…

"Perish the thought. I love my little sister's wonderful singing. I would never tell her nor anyone to squander their talent for my own needs."

Rarity…

…is jealous of her sister's singing talent…

"I'm sorry, what? No. I am most definitely not jealous of my sister in any way. I can sing spectacularly myself, so I need not be jealous of my younger sister's talent."

Rarity…

…wishes she was young like her sister…

"Are you implying that I am old?"

Rarity…

…is losing her hearing with old age…

"How dare you! I am a beautiful and radiant young mare!"

Now you know…

…Rarity…

"What? You're ending it there? You haven't cleared up any of your lies yet!"

Woops, I forgot to speak louder for her…

NOW YOU KNOW…

…RARITY…

"I never!" with a huff, Rarity slipped into the darkness, nose held high and stomping all the way.

Luna

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

The light that usually lit the lone pony in the center stage had been greatly dimmed as light twinkles shown off from the mare’s mane.

Princess Luna…

…is jealous of her sister…

“Not in the slightest. I honor my sister and aspire to be her level of harmony one day. It has nothing to do with petty emotions.”

Princess Luna…

…sent Gilda an invitation to Ponyville to cause trouble…

“Who is Gilda? Never the less, I did no such thing. I would never purposely cause trouble for others.”

Princess Luna…

…released Discord—

“Pardon?”

--then helped him steal the Elements—

“Tis’ a bold-faced—“

--then told him their weaknesses…

“Blasphemy! This is outright treason!”

Princess Luna…

…plans to overthrow her sister…

“Overthrow my—we share equal power!”

Princess Luna…

…wants all the power to herself…

“Never! I would sooner die than plot against mine own sister!”

Now you know…

Princess Luna…

“They know only lies! I shall see you quartered for these statements. Do you hear me? Quartered!” Luna echoed her voice through the vast emptiness before ducking out into the darkness.

Spike

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

For once, a pony was not in the spotlight. Instead, a small dragon with green spines running down his back stood there with a cool smile.

Spike…

…plays with dolls…

“Once! Just once. Well… one day… two days at the most.”

Spike…

…is a closet dance star…

“Dance star? I’ve got two left prints. I can’t dance at all.”

Spike…

…cuts Rarity’s hoof nails…

“Only when she asks. I love helping her out.”

Spike…

…raids Rarity’s garbage…

“Who told—I mean… no I don’t…”

Spike…

…is a cyborg robot from the future…

“I’m a what? How… how would I even be—That doesn’t make any sense. But it is cool.”

Spike…

…styles Twilight’s mane to look like Rarity’s while she sleeps…

“That’s sick! What kind of sicko would do that!?”

And now you know…

…Spike…

“What? Really? No they don’t! I’m so telling Twilight about this. She’ll do… something… I don’t know what, but she will,” Spike muttered while moving into the darkness like those before him.

Rainbow Dash

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

A mare with a rainbow mane stroked it back calmly while holding a smile of confidence.

Rainbow Dash…

…dyes her mane…

“You know, I hear that a lot. But no, it’s totally not dyed. Just want to set the record straight.”

Rainbow Dash…

…likes Fluttershy…

“Of course I do. She’s an awesome girl and a great friend. Who wouldn’t?”

…really likes Fluttershy…

“Uh, yeah? I do like Fluttershy. You just said that.”

…Really, really likes Fluttershy…

“Wait, wait. What are you trying to say?”

Rainbow Dash…

“Hey! Don’t ignore me!”

…cuts Applejack’s hair to stuff her pillow…

“Woah! Hold it right there!”

Rainbow Dash…

…is a filly-fooler…

“B-B-B—No! I-I’m not! Honest!”

Rainbow Dash…

…Is embarrassed of her relationship with Fluttershy…

“My relation—NO! I don’t have that kind of relationship!”

Now you know…

Rainbow Dash…

“They don’t! They do not! Buck! You’re a liar!” Rainbow Dash spat out as her wings fluttered and sent her bursting into the darkness.

Pinkie Pie

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

The pink party mare shook in anticipation, failing to hold in her eager.

Pinkamena Diane Pie…

“Hah! It’s been forever since I’ve been called that.”

…has a party problem…

“Yeah, I do. But now I’m only having one party a day. All in moderation.”

Pinkamena Diane Pie…

“You can just call me Pinkie Pie if you want. It’s soooo much easier.”

…bakes other mares into cupcakes…

“Noooo, I wouldn’t say that. I just use their hair for an ingredient! I know it’s so weird, but it actually holds the taste and you can hardly feel it if you don’t know.”

Pinkamena Diane Pie…

“Okie Dokie Loki, call me what you want.”

…uses her party cannon for war…

“You’re darn right I do! War on boredom! And so far –HAH HAH- it’s become a war of attrition… They’ll give up sooner or later.”

Pinkamena Diane Pie…

…is a foalnapper….

“Yup. I steal Pumpkin and Pound away from their parents so we can have extreme baby fun! Like sky diving from Cloudsdale.”

Alright, stop it…

“Stop what?”

Stop agreeing with me…

…You’re supposed to be getting angry…

“But you’ve been right all this time.”

I’m making this—

Look…

…just disagree with me from here on…

“Alrighty-tighty.”

Pinkamena Diane Pie…

…Hates fun…

“Yeah, I hate fun… I much prefer a ton of fun.”

I’m out of here…

Pinkie Pie remained seated as she heard the echoing of steps followed by a loud slamming door. “…That’s all foalks!” Pinkie chirped into the darkness.

Gilda

Know your mare, know your—

“I’m not a mare,” Gilda spoke up in a sharp tone, ruffling her feathered body.

Gilda the Griffon…

…Is nice…

“Uh, thanks?”

Gilda…

…is the nicest quadruped you’ll ever meet…

“Again, thanks?”

Gilda…

…bakes cookies…

“No I don’t. Cookie baking’s for nerds.”

Gilda…

…has tea parties…

“Woah! I do not have tea parties! Only sissies and chumps do that.”

Gilda…

…has a playground crush on Fluttershy…

“No feathering way! That pony is a sissy!”

Gilda…

…just admitted to having tea parties with Fluttershy…

“How?! How did I possible admit to that?”

Don’t deny it…

Gilda…

…shares homeless beans with Trixie after tea parties…

“What’s with you and the tea parties!?”

Now you know…

Gilda…

Gilda only replied with a sharp screech that shattered the bulbs above before disappearing into the sparking darkness.

Shining Armor

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

The proud stallion in the center of the dark room adjusted his metallic crest on his sash with a smile.

Shining Armor…

…He has family issues…

“No way. Twilie and I worked through our little argument. It was my fault so I hid most of the working through after the wedding.”

Shining Armor…

…Is embarrassed of his sister…

“Why would I be embarrassed? She runs her own library; she’s the star student of princess Celestia, as well as being a holder of one of the Elements of Harmony. I’m honored to have her as a sister.”

Shining Armor…

…used his sister to get closer to Cadance…

“Alright, I sort of did, I’ll give you that one. But you have to use what you have to get your hoof into the front door, right?”

Shining Armor…

…is only nice to Twilight Sparkle because it makes him look good to Cadance…

“Are you saying my love for my sister is fake? That’s low. I love my sister with my whole heart. Don’t you ever doubt that.”

…Is that so…?

“It is.”

…Hmm…

Shining Armor…

…has romantic feelings for his little sister…

“Hey! Keep your sick ideas in your own head! I love my sister, but not like that!”

Shining Armor…

…is torn between his sister and his wife…

“I’m not torn between anypony!”

Then who do you love more?

“…What?”

Cadance or Twilight…

…who do you love more?

“Well I—That is to say… uh… It’s a matter of different catagories of love, you know?”

Shining Armor…

…Has some psychiatric feelings to sort through…

“What’s that supposed to mean!?”

Now you know…

Shining Armor…

“You can’t just cut me off there. I’m Captain of the Royal Guard. I will see you put on trial for this kind of talk,” Shining Armor warned the voice before trotting off into the darkness in a growing huff.

Cadance

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

The young newly-wed princess adjusted her attire slightly with a glitter of her horn and awaited what would surely be a fair show.

Cadance…

…Isn’t a real princess…

“You know, I’ve been thinking about that. Aunt Celestia and Luna aren’t technically princess either, but they do share the throne so that sort of justifies it. But I’m not only merried but also an only child… So I really should change my title. Thank you for reminding me disembodied voice.”

Your… welcome?

Cadance…

…Is a Changeling…

“For all you know I could be. I wouldn’t blame you to think that. Even my husband mistook that tramp of a queen for me for about more then three days. So it would make sense that you would think I could be a Changeling. Once more I thank you for your cautious observance.”

No… problem?

Cadance…

…Is jealous of Twilight Sparkle…

“Oh, completely. Look at her mane, her magic, she’s fantastic! Shining was one lucky colt to grow up with her. I can only imagine what kind of looker she’ll be when she’s her brother’s age… probably a real head turner.”

Probably…

Wait… no… Gah…!

Cadance…

…Is older then she looks…

“And how old do I look?”

I don’t know… pretty young?

“Why thank you.”

…I’m out of here.

“Why? Aren’t you having fun?”

You’re too nice…

I can’t think of anything…

“Really? Huh… Well alright. I’ll come back later when you think of something. Does that work for you?”

That would be wonderful…

Thank you….

“No problem at all. See you later,” Cadance gave a simple wave before trotting off into the darkness.

…Did she just outsmart me?

Scootaloo

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

The filly in the center’s wings may have been small and undeveloped, but that did not stop them from giving an ecstatic flutter against her orange coat.

Scootaloo…

…can’t fly…

“Uh, duh? Of course I can’t fly. Everyone knows that.”

Scootaloo…

…dyes her coat and mane…

“This is natural. If anyone dyes their mane or coat it’s Sweetie Belle’s family.”

I’ll keep that in mind…

“Hey! Don’t tell her I said that.”

I wouldn’t think of it…

Scootaloo…

…thinks the sky is falling…

“Why would I think that? If it was falling, Rainbow Dash or Luna would save the day!”

Why Luna…?

“Because the princess and I are cool like that, Know-It-All.”

Scootaloo…

…has ménage-a-trois ideas about she and the other Crusaders…

“Menage-a-what? Wait… is that something we could get a cutie mark for?”

…Yes…

“Awesome! I’ll get the others and we’ll try it out!”

Do that…

…But first ask every pony you know of how to do it…

“Thanks voice-guy-thing. You’re alright.”

Yes…

…I am…

And now you know…

Scootaloo…

“See you later!” Scootaloo waved her goodbye into the abyss of darkness and trotted off to find her friends and start her new quest: “Cutie Mark-a-trois”.

Apple Bloom

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

Much like her older sister far before, the little filly in the center adjusted her bow with a cheerful grin.

Apple Bloom…

…is a known liar…

“Ah’ guess so. Can’t say ah’ never lie. Ah’ mean, hay, there was that whole Cutie Pox thing, right?”

Apple Bloom…

…under cuts herself…

“Under cut? Ya’ mean sell ma’self short? Why or how do ah’ do that?”

Apple Bloom…

…Has an amazing singing voice…

“Nah, it ain’t nothin’ ta’ hoot over.”

Apple Bloom…

…refuses to sing in front of Sweetie Belle properly so as not to hurt her feelings…

“Hurt her feelin’s? How could me singin’ hurt her feelin’s? Sweetie Belle’s amazin’ at singin’!”

Apple Bloom…

…is delusional…

“Delus—Listen, where ah’ come from, that kindo’ talk be something ya’ scrap over. If ya’ll tryin’ to say Sweetie Belle is a horrible singer, yer’ wrong!”

Now you know…

Apple Bloom…

“Ain’t no way they do! All ya’ did was talk crazy! Ah’m tellin’ Big Mac on ya!” the little Apple Bloom trotted off into the darkness in confusion over what had just happened.

Derpy

Know your mare, know your… Uh…

For the first time the light in the center of the darkness was empty, not a soul in sight.

…Hello?

…Are you here?

“Yes.”

…Well where are you?

“In the room.”

…Well get in the light…

“…What light?”

The one in the center of the room…

“Oh! Okay!” with an echoing trot through the darkness gradually getting closer. Shortly after, the gray coat of a lop-eyed mare came into the light with a powerful grin.

Right…

Derpy…

…She’s…

…Leaving the light…?

Back in the spotlight, Derpy continued to step onward towards the opposite end she entered from.

Stop…!

“Well I can’t find the center of the room. Only this part of the room is lit so it’s hard to find it, you know?”

Look…

…Just stand there…

Right where you are…

“Okay!”

Alright…

Derpy…

…has a—

…muffin with her…?

Seemingly from nowhere, the pegasus was munching on a crisp muffin resting on the floor before her.

Stop eating…

“Mhi?” she asked with bits of muffin spreading out as she spoke.

You’re just supposed to answer me when I speak…

…not eat…

With a loud gulp Derpy pushed the muffin away and smiled once more. “Okay.”

Good…

Derpy…

…has—

…trapped herself in a paper bag…

With grunts from in the light, Derpy had inexplicably got her entire head wedged into a paper bag and was now squirming on the floor in an attempt to get free.

…How did you even do that?

“I had to put the muffin somewhere, didn’t I?”

Yes…

…but…

…You know what…?

…there’s nothing I can say that could possibly be worse then what you could do to yourself…

Sitting up with the bag still draped over her head, she nodded with a crinkle. “I get that a lot.”

Anyway…

I guess know you know…

Derpy…

…You need any help with that bag…?

“Nope, I got it.” Derpy reassured the voice as her front hooves flailed at an attempt to pluck the bag off.

…I’m just gonna go…

Once the voice had gone silent, Derpy finally let the bag fall off of her head and fell back onto her flank. “Yeah! I did it!” seeing the room once more, she looked around the room curiously. “Where did my muffin go…? Oh yeah! The bag.” Derpy opened the bag once more and dipped her head in to reclaim her muffin… only to get wedge in there once more with a satisfied nibble to her muffin.

Sweetie Belle

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

Unlike her sister before, the little filly in the center of the light seemed filled with contempt.

Sweetie Belle…

…Lip sings…

“…”

Sweetie Belle…

…likes her sister more then her own parents…

“…”

Sweetie Belle…

…lost her voice and won’t admit it…

“Oh no, my voice is fine. I’m just letting you talk for maybe the last time in your life.”

Sweetie—

Wait…

…what…?

“Yeah. You see, Scootaloo just came to me a few days ago talking about something she heard from you.”

Did she now…?

“Uh-huh. And at first I was interested… but then I asked Rarity what it means.”

And…?

“And thanks to a book Twilight lent me, I found out that what you did was illegal. In fact, your entire show is illegal.”

Ill—

“Hush, I’m talking. What you did to Scootaloo is categorized under ‘endorsing pornography’… I don’t know what that means, but the book said it was really illegal.”

Wait a—

“It also said that by court standers, what this show is and what you do is considered ‘slander’, which coupled with the previous crime can be brought to a high court of law.”

Joke’s on you…

…Equestria doesn’t have a court system…

“Oh I know that… but we do have two princesses with control over the law that will love to see you brought before them with a case against you.”

…Now you know…

“Yeah, you better run.”

…Sweetie Belle…

…Attorney at law apparently….

Voice...

Know your mare, know your mare, know your—

Oh what’s the use…?

…I’ve been beaten by nearly five guests on this show…

…it’s happening far too frequently…

…I guess I should just…

…give this up…

…I lose…

No you don’t…

What…?

You haven’t lost just yet…

You haven’t seen how bad things have been going…

…I was beaten by a pony that got caught in a paper bag…

Yes…

…you did…

…but you’re not out of this game yet…

How do you mean…?

You have exhausted the main possibilities thus far…

…but if you want to win, you must strike at the legs…

…Go on…?

You’ll have your chance to go at those you’ve done before later…

…but first you must crush those that make them look good…

Make them look good…?

…Who…?

If you want a play to go bad…

…you dirty up the background…

…Hah…

…hah-hah-hah…

MWA-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAAAAAA!

While this dialogue between inanimate voices occurred, a stallion with a brown coat looked around confused. “Uh… can I go home now?”

Huh…?

Oh…

Yeah Doctor…

…we’ll call you back later…

“Right-o,” without another word he stepped out from the light to wait for his return on another date.

…MWA-HAH-HAH-HAH!

This…

…is going to be just…

Perfect…

Braeburn

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

The bracing stallion in the center of the only light of the room fixed his cowpony hat on his head much like his cousin before.

Braeburn…

…is a bandit…

“A bandit? Nah, I ain’t no bandit. Sure as hay seen a bandit or two on the range though.”

Braeburn…

…is Spanish…

“Span-what? That one of them fancy languages?”

Señor Braeburn…

…Es un bandido…

“I’m a burrito? How am I a Celestia dang burrito?”

Señor Braeburn…

…tiene la inteligencia de una manzana….

“I can’t understand that…”

Exactly…

“Are you callin’ me stupid?”

What…?

No…

…Pero yo lo haría…

…Quemaduras en la cabeza…

“Ain’t got no reason to take this flack from you!”

And now you know…

Señor Braeburn…

“That’s not my name. Go back an’ do it over please.”

Adiós…

Manzana cerebro…

“The hay is your problem? You two are a pair a’—Well… can’t say. Mama said those kinda words ain’t nice… even if they are true,” Braeburn with nothing more to say dipped his hat down and departed into the darkness.

Lyra

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

Perhaps it was out of courtesy or for some sort of sense of humor but the unicorn in the light of the room was comfortably sitting in a wooden chair in her most unusual manner.

Lyra…

…knows more then she lets on…

“And what am I letting on to? Huh? Tell me that.”

Uh…

Letting on about your schooling…

…Canterlot born and raised…

…very smart…

“Yeah, totally. Top percent and everything.”

Lyra…

…is wealthy…

“Well I don’t like to brag… but I have enough to prevent me from ever working a day in my life, thank you.”

Lyra…

…despite her wealth, intellect, and apparent residence in Canterlot, mooches off of Ponyville denizens…

“Mooch? I’m not a mooch!”

Lyra…

…ignores Twilight on a regular basis despite knowing her from Canterlot…

“I say ‘hi’! I don’t ignore her!”

Lyra…

…sit like she does because she thinks she’s too good to sit like the rest…

“It’s got nothing to do with that!”

Now you know…

Lyra…

“But I—You—this—GAH! This is crazy! I’m not a snob or an elitist!”

Who said you were…?

“You implied it?”

Yes…

…but you said it…

…Lyra the Elitist snobby mooch…

Lyra couldn’t bring herself to say another word as she took hold of her own chair after getting off of it and throwing it as far as she could with her magic around it before she herself left in aggravation.

…Was that too far?

Not at all…

Spitfire

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

Normally the pegasus would wear her usual Wonderbolts attire, but letting her full body show for sometime seemed fitting for this more casual happening…

Spitfire…

…is a closet Trixie fan…

“Meh, she’s alright. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I’m a fan, but I’d be lying if I said I’ve never been to a show.”

Spitfire…

…is too cool for school…

“Completely. I’m hot stuff, and that’s not just a pun on the name.”

Spitfire…

…admitted to have never gone to school…

“Uhh, no. No I didn’t say that… at all.”

Spitfire…

…had an affair with Fancypants…

“Woah! Where’s that one coming from? I’ve never met the guy. And I’m not a cheap floozy that just—no!”

Spitfire…

…doesn’t give Soarin’ any…

“We-We’re not like that! He’s just my partner.”

Yeah…

…partner…

“I mean-NO- I don’t mean like that!”

Oh…

…one of many partners…

“Hey! No! I’m not—It’s not like—It’s…” her face burning a deep red and chest puffing in anxiety, Spitfire searched around her for a second before bursting out to the side of the dark and away from the light in a blur.

I guess now you know…

Spitfire…

…I…

…Guess…

Octavia

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

Though the light was graced around the gray coated mare, her eyes remained their usual dull limp.

Octavia…

…kills crabs in the ocean…

“…Is that what we’re starting on? Not only a lie but a poorly thought one?”

Octavia…

…fell toward the sky waiting for her ride…

“That doesn’t even make any sense…”

Octavia—

“I’m sorry, may I interject?”

Uh…

“Am I to take this seriously?”

Well…

“Do you get some sort of kick out of just pestering anyone that comes to you? I am Canterlot aristocracy and even I know that’s perhaps one of the most pitiful excuses for a life style I’ve ever heard of. You sincerely have my sympathies.”

Pitiful excuse…?

…Here I was thinking that was Vinyl Scratch…

“She’s pitifully out of class as well.”

Yes…

…But she’s your best friend…

“You can’t really choose who you are bound to befriend.”

So…

…you admit that she is not only pitiful…

…but that she’s your best friend…?

“That would be a fair assumption, yes.”

…Then you are far more pathetic…

“Excuse me?”

Octavia…

…stays friends with a slob of a DJ to make herself feel good about how far her life has fallen…

“Pardon me? I have not fallen from anywhere. And Vinyl is not a slob.”

Octavia…

…is in denial of how low she’s become…

“I am not low. I play at grand celebrations, gatherings, shows, concerts.”

Octavia…

…ignores the fact that Vinyl was invited to a Royal Wedding and she wasn’t…

“That was a much more intimate gathering. I was not familiar with much of anyone there.”

Octavia…

…admits that even in a crowd that big, no one knew who she was…

“That is not a fair assumption.”

Octavia…

…Was even snubbed by her dear friend Vinyl…

…How sad…

“It was last minute. She hadn’t the time to tell me of the celebration. If she had time, I’m sure she would have informed me.”

…This is just too sad now…

Now you know…

Octavia…

…But I bet you hadn’t…

“How dare you!” Octavia snapped with a furl of the back of her hair in rage. “I will not allow such slandering against my good name.”

What good name…?

You’re…

Nobody…

…lower then the dumps Vinyl has to play at to pay your rent…

Octavia became stunned, her mouth slightly agape.

…You can go now…

…We have important people to interview later…

The light didn’t wait a moment to turn off on Octavia, leaving her in the abyss of darkness with only the weak sniffles of her being a sign she was there.

…Sorry…

Diamond Tiara

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

Small as she was, the little filly in the center of the single light held an air of pride about her as her tiara twinkled with the light.

Diamond Tiara…

…doesn’t have a cutie mark…

“Uh, hello? Are you stupid? What do you call this thing on my flank?”

Diamond Tiara…

…knows a good tattoo artist in Fillydelphia…

“A tattoo artist? What kind of loser would go to those extremes for a fake cutie mark?”

What kind of loser indeed…

“Hey! I’ll tell me daddy on you! He’ll wreck you!”

Diamond Tiara…

…loves her daddy…

“Duh. Daddy’s amazing. He basically runs that one pony town.”

Diamond Tiara…

…loves her daddy like a mommy would…

“Wha—NO! EWW! That’s sick!”

Diamond Tiara…

…doesn’t go to the police because—

Now you know…

Diamond Tiara…

"...What?"

…What…?

The show is over…

No it’s not…

We can still—

A little filly needs to get to bed this late…

Even though Diamond Tiara had a few tears welling in her eyes, she nodded and trotted away from the light. “…Thank you…”

…What was that…?

She’s a filly…

…save that kind of stuff for adults…

Voices...

Know your mare, know your mare—

Stop for a second…

What…?

Why…?

…We must talk about your actions…

My actions…?

Yes…

…You seem put out as of late…

Oh…

But don’t worry…

…I know what the problem is…

That’s good…

…I was hoping you wouldn’t be too mad…

Why would I be mad…?

It’s not your fault you lack the tenacity to do some things…

Uh…

That is why I found another to help us…

…Who…?

Me! I’m helping!

What did I say…?

You need to echo your voice…

…and no yelling…

Oh…

Yeah…

For’ot…

…I’ll be mo’ ‘areful—

Speak properly…

…you’ll blow your cover…

Oh…!

…Yeah…

…I’ll be more careful Mi—

Now you’re blowing my cover…

Sorry…

No harm done…

…I suppose…

“Ummm… excuse me?” a familiar tie wearing stallion called up into the darkness again.

Oh…

Sorry Doctor…

…We’ll call you back when we sort this through…

“Alright then. No harm, no foul,” the doctor shrugged it off and departed the light once more.

Together…

…the three of us will be able to handle all sizes of enemies…

…HAH-HAH-HAH-HAAAAAAAA!

…Does anyone remember what this show was originally about…?

Silver Spoon

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

The grey filly seemed to not care much for the echoing voices as her eyes were dull behind her glasses.

Silver Spoon…

…flunks as a flunky…

“Flunky? I’m not a flunky. Diamond and I are totally even with each other.”

Silver Spoon…

…got her cutie mark by sticking a spoon down her throat…

“Gross! Like, why would I even try that?”

Silver Spoon…

…ran away with Serving Dish…

“That sounds like a servant. I could do better then some butler.”

Silver Spoon…

…was just dumped by Diamond Tiara...

“I wasn’t dumped. We’re just doing different after school stuff now… that’s all.”

Silver Spoon…

…wishes she had Fleur’s style…

“Mom says she’s a starlet. I have no idea what that means, but I do kinda want to be a starlet.”

Silver Spoon…

…will be a harlot before being a starlet…

“Uh, thanks?”

Silver Spoon…

…needs a dictionary…

“Only nerds like Sweetie Belle need those things. I’m not a nerd.”

Your glasses could’ve fooled me…

“Daddy said they looked good on me!”

Yeah…

…we’ll get to him later…

“You better not—“

And now you know…

Silver Spoon…

“Wait a second… I know that voice now…”

…No you don’t…

“Yeah, it’s that—“ before another word was said, the floor beneath Silver Spoon slid open and dropped her into the darkness.

…How long did we have that…?

…I put it in when I got here…

…No planks around here so a trap door was the next best step…

…Makes sense to me…

Bon Bon

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

Her mane in its usual double-colored curl, the mare sat quietly as her introduction began.

Bon Bon…

…is the fiend of a Thousand-Faces…

“I’m the what?”

Bon Bon…

…will have you cower before her true voice…

“I’m not really following what you’re saying.”

Bon Bon…

…pudding…

“Why did you just say that?”

Bon Bon…

…didn’t laugh at that…

…thus making her a liar…

“A liar--- Oh! That? Yeah, that only works with jokes.”

Pudding is funny…

“Yeah with a punch line or a lead up line.”

Bon Bon…

…is a critic…

“No. I’m just telling you that you can’t make a joke out of one word.”

…Alfalfa monster…

HAH-HAH-HAH!

Alfalfa Monster!

Stop laughing…!

…We’re supposed to make her laugh…!

…and turn your echo on…

Oh…!

Sorry Mi—

Stop talking!

See…?

Now you’re the one blowing your own disguise…

Silence yourself you…

…missh—

What was that you were saying about cover…?

Yeah…

…don’t blow your cover…

“Uh… Can I go?”

Huh…?

Oh…

Yeah…

We got off track…

So…

Now you know…

Bon Bon…

“Not that much though.”

It’s alright Sweetie…

No one cared anyway…

In a huff, Bon Bon departed out of the darkness with her head held high.

EXTRA: Stand up...

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

Despite the echoing voice overhead, no soul -pony or otherwise- was there.

...Where's the guest...?

...I thought you were getting her...?

No... that's blank's job...

Hey!

Don't act like a mule...

Act like a mule...?

What are you...?

A filly...?

Hey-hey...

Stop fighting you two...

...When I have to be the voice of reason here, something is wrong...

Oh shut up you glorified hodgepodge...!

Stop making fun!

Oh...

So you're standing up for--

Being different isn't bad.

I mean...

Look at you Mi--

I'm not different!

I'm normal!

I...

Am...

Perfect!

Yeah...

Then why is it you're the only one of us that doesn't need a voice distorter...?

Well that's--

Ohhhh. You 'ust got royally burnt.

What did I say about talking like that!?

The same thing you said about talking without an echo...

Just then, a mare stepped out into the light and looked around confused despite the heavy shades over her eyes. "Am I late or something?"

Vinyl, go home...

The big kids are talking right now...

"Sweet. I'm out," Vinyl made not a single objection as she bolted out to leave the three voices to argue.

Vinyl Scratch

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

“Cool, I’m well rested, on time, and ready for some fun,” the mare with a neon blue mane cheered.

Vinyl Scratch…

…is tone deaf…

“Just in my right ear I’m a little deaf. But s’cool, all I need is one ear to rock the house, right?”

Vinyl Scratch…

…has two black holes under her glasses…

“What? No-no-no, that’s crazy. Here, let me take em’ off and show you.”

Everyone get down…!

“Alright, alright. I’ll keep em’ on…”

Vinyl Scratch…

…is a merciful soul…

“I don’t have black holes under my glasses, so I’m not merciful… really. That would be awesome though, won’t lie.”

Vinyl Scratch…

…is more than meets the eye…

“…I don’t know how to respond to that. Is that a joke on my eyes or something else?”

Vinyl Scratch…

…steals homeless beans from Trixie…

“It wasn’t stealing if she left them cooked and in the open.”

Vinyl Scratch…

…is unknowingly helping us…

“Maybe I’m knowingly helping you and you don’t even know it.”

Woah…

…She’s messing with my mind now…

Vinyl Scratch…

…is a two-bit hack performer…

“I shoot for three to four bits… but yeah, two bits sounds about average.”

Vinyl Scratch…

…ruined Octavia’s career…

“Um, yeah, I guess I did…”

…And doesn’t feel bad about it…

“Well I wouldn’t go that far…”

…And just keeps using her…

“Again, wouldn’t go that far… and could you stop dragging Tavi into this?”

Vinyl Scratch…

…doesn’t like it when her lover is insulted…

“It’s not about her being insulted, it’s about you doing it without her having a chance to defend herself… This isn’t Las Pegasus where it’s a free for all.”

Vinyl Scratch…

…just admitted to Octavia being her lover and hinted to them have ran away to Las Pegasus to have a drive through wedding…

“I’ll give you the first one, but the second is crazy. Octavia would never go for something that loose.”

Now you know…

Vinyl Scratch…

“A little bit maybe. A little bit…” Vinyl Scratch mumbled before back-stepping out of the light.

Pipsqueak

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

Minuscule as the colt was, he held himself in a brave stature and a charming smile.

Pipsqueak the Pirate...

"I'm not act'ly a pirate, just like dressin' up 'ike one."

Pipsqueak...

"You can call me Pip for short if you want."

Pip...

"There ya' are."

Can we start this...?

"Sorry, sorry. Go righ' a'ead"

Pip...

...fakes an accent...

"This here's my normal speech. Not one b't fake. Pirate's honor."

Pip...

...still thinks he's a pirate...

"No' a' all. I just like sayin' Pirate this an' Pirate that."

Pip...

...don't give it up...

"Give wha' up?"

Pip...

...he's going to be King someday...

"King? King o' what? I'm a bit short ta' be king o' anythin' don' ya' think?"

Pip...

...is one handsome colt...

"Than's, me mum tells me tha' everyday."

...for a street rat...

"That's mean... I'm not a street rat... or riffraff."

Pip...

...has relations with Princess Luna...

"Now you stop there. Don't be dragin' a nice Princess like Woona through the dirt. I wan' a apology."

Now you know...

Pipsqueak the Pirate...

"I want that apology, now."

I'd like to see you try...

"You'll see. Woona will have you... what's that word she kep' usin'...?" Pipsqueak left the light with the muttering of that lost word on his lips.

Big Macintosh

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

Strong as the red coated stallion was, he seemed almost humble beneath the single spot light in the darkness.

Big Macintosh...

...Never finished school...

"Eeeeyup..."

Big Macintosh...

...Is over compensating for something with his name...

"Eeeeyup..."

Big Macintosh...

...Is a lord of the tap-dance...

"...Eeyup..."

Big Macintosh...

...Is in cahoots with Applejack to steal the Apple Family's money...

"...Eeeyup..."

Celestia...!

This colt's a wall...!

Yes...

...He's too even tempered for us to unbalance...

...Miss...

...Take it from here...

With pleasure...

Big Mac...

...is sexist...

"Eee-nope..."

Big Mac...

...Is perfectly willing to let a girl buck all the trees without help...

"No filly can do that alone..."

He budged...

...Push him over Scarface...

Big Mac...

...admits to thinking a filly can't buck trees without help...

"Not all of 'em."

Now you know...

Big Mac the Sexist...

"Ask my sisters, I'm always fair."

Don't worry...

I will...

With narrowed eyes Big Mac departed from the light like so many before.

EXTRA: Discord

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

Silence was all that replied. Only this time it wasn't from a lack of a guest, but instead a lack of life or animation emanating from the stoned joker.

Discord...

...He's one hard nut to crack...

"..."

Discord...

...is a few quartz short of a diamond...

"..."

Discord...

...isn't a bad guy...

"..."

...I mean...

...at least he's headstrong...

HAH-HAH-HAH...

"..."

Discord...

...has a rock hard body...

"..."

Discord...

...understands the statue of limitations...

"..."

Discord...

...is boulder than any pony I know...

"..."

Now you know...

Discord...

If only the rest of our guests could be so compliant...

...So how do we get him back...?

I'll handle it...

Soarin'

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

Much like his partner before, his body was exposed to the light without the cover of his uniform.

Soarin'...

...Is too cool for the letter 'g'...

"No way, I love 'g'. G's in some of my favorite words. Like grape, dodge, hanging-out..."

Soarin'...

...is the oldest member of the Wonderbolts...

"Yeah. Totally am. I'm -like- five years older than Spitfire."

Soarin'...

...doesn't get any from Spitfire...

"Only if we lose. Which -heh- we never do."

Should we really we talking about this in front of---

Soarin'...

...is fine with Spitfire having multiple partners...

"Long as it makes the boss happy, yeah."

Really...

...I think we should change the subject...

Soarin'...

...is considering letting Rainbow Dash into the Wonderbolts...

"I've run it by Spitfire once or twice. She said it sounds like a cool idea, but she wants more proof that Dash's got the stuff."

...but only if she can 'perform'...

...Stop...

"Yeah, if you're a Wonderbolt you gotta be able to perform."

...and if she can 'put on a good show'...

...Stop...

"Y-Yeah... isn't that the same thing as perform, bra?"

...and if she can 'blow the--

ENOUGH!

Soarin'...!

Go home...

Now...

"Cool, bro. Catch you later," Soarin' gave a simple shrug before trotting out into the dark.

...What was that...?

You can't do questions like that when this kid's around...

Since when do you take other's feelings into consideration...?

I don't hurt anyone...

... especially kids...

...I'm a lot of things...

...And I DO mean A LOT of things...

...But I know where the fun ends...

She just loves to pick on people too much...

Fine...

No matter...

Next time we're bringing old people back in so we can get your revenge...

My revenge...?

...Or yours...?

It doesn't matter...

As you wish...

Your Hi--

Both of you silence yourselves!

"I can't find the exit!" a voice echoed through the darkness. "Oh wait..." a click could be heard soon after, "I found it... Oh cool! There's a pie stand!"

ROUND 2: Twilight Sparkle

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

Unlike before, the mare in the center looked far less accepting of her current hearing of the now three echoing voices.

Twilight Sparkle...

...is happy to be back...

"Well right there is the biggest lie I've ever heard."

You wound me Twilight Sparkle...

"If only I could."

Twilight Sparkle...

...is a very aggressive pony...

"My aggression here has no bearings on my attitude outside."

Twilight Sparkle...

...strong arms people to agree with her...

"No I don't! That's a complete and absolute lie."

You see...?

"I'm not strong arming you to agree!"

If I agree...

Will you stop yelling at me...?

"Well, yes, but I'm not trying to force you to--"

Twilight Sparkle...

...is a wedge between Shining Armor and his wife's marriage...

"No I'm not! If anything I'm a figurative staple!"

Play the recording...

"Recording?"

Shining Armor…

…used his sister to get closer to Cadance…

“Alright, I sort of did, I’ll give you that one. But you have to use what you have to get your hoof into the front door, right?”

"You see, a staple... Granted I didn't think I was that big of a staple... B-But still."

Uh-huh...

...next one...

Cadance or Twilight…

…who do you love more?

“Well I—That is to say… uh…”

...Wedge...

"It's a matter of different categories of love... y-you know. Right?"

Twilight Sparkle...

...Is having resurfacing feelings for Shining Armor...

"Resurfacing?! Eww, no! He's my brother."

He was your only friend for so long...

...Are you saying you've never once thought of him in a romantic way...?

"Of course not!"

Really...?

"Yes!"

Do you swear to Luna and Celestia...?

"Well--"

Ah-hah!

"Wait, no!"

Too late...

Twilight Sparkle...

...admits to have done the nasty as a filly thinking of her brother...

"No-no-no-no-no-no! Please, it's not like that!"

Twilight Sparkle...

...recently evicted Trixie off her lawn...

"What? Evicted? I didn't evict her from anywhere."

Twilight Sparkle...

...confirms that Trixie is living on her lawn...

"Where did this come from?! What crazy idea did that come from?"

Twilight Sparkle...

...thinks Trixie is mentally unstable but still allows her to live on her lawn...

"I didn't say that. I said the claim was crazy, not the act. Although the act of living on someone's lawn is crazy. But I'm sure Trixie doesn't do it."

Twilight Sparkle...

...Is a pretty cool mare...

"Well, thank you? This all together is fairly bad, but a little---"

...for a nerdlinger...

"Gah! Why did I walk into that?"

Why did you walk in on Cadance and Shining Armor is a better question...?

"Huh?!"

Twilight Sparkle...

...has pictures of it...

"No I don't! I swear! I didn't take pictures! Wait... No wait---!"

Twilight Sparkle...

...admitted to have walked in on Cadance and Shining Armor...

"Oh, Celestia, please stop..."

Now you know...

Twilight Sparkle...

...The Nerdlinger peeping-tom slum lord...

Twilight couldn't bring herself to say anything. Only to sigh, plop down on the ground and remain in the single light.

...What a sad sight...

...Too sad...

As if to add insult to her grave injuries, the floor below her swung open and dropped her with a sharp squeal into the abyss.

...Perfection...

ROUND 2: Octavia and Vinyl Scratch

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

There the two were, looking each other down. One with an ivory collar and the other with thick dark sunglasses. While one was over joyed to have a friend here, the other looked far less enthusiastic.

Vinyl and Octavia...

...Are wondering why they're both here...

"That thought comes to mind, yes."

"Not even for a second..."

Vinyl Scratch...

...has already figured out our plan...

"It's not that hard to figure out."

Vinyl and Octavia...

...Are tired of beating around the bush...

"Beating around what bush?"

"..."

Well...

...at least Vinyl is...

"Vinyl? What are they going on about?"

"Doesn't matter, they'll tell you anyway."

Smart...

...roll the tape...

Vinyl Scratch…

…doesn’t like it when her lover is insulted…

“It’s not about her being insulted, it’s about you doing it without her having a chance to defend herself… This isn’t Las Pegasus where it’s a free for all.”

Vinyl Scratch…

…just admitted to Octavia being her lover…

“I’ll give you that one."

Wooo...

...trouble in paradise...?

"W-Well, I'm sure it was merely a slip of the tongue. Vinyl was most likely frazzled is all."

"..."

Octavia...

...is a lot more ashamed than Vinyl has hoped...

"I knew she would react that way, so it doesn't come as a surprise for me."

"Vinyl, don't feed into these things' perverse desires to watch us squirm."

Octavia...

...Is asking Vinyl to lie about her feelings...

...That's really got to hurt...

"I'm asking no such thing. Feelings must always be shared, but there's a time and place for it."

"Yeah... too bad that time and place never comes for us..."

"Vinyl!"

Octavia and Vinyl...

...two of--

Do you 'ike each otha'...?

"Huh?"

"What?"

Do t'e two of ya' 'ike each otha'...?

"Well..."

"Ya' know..."

Listen...

...I see the two of ya' 'alkin' down the streets day af'a day...

...And ya' wanna know som'in'...?

...I've ne'er seen any pony so 'appy...

"But Vinyl is always so--"

But you always tell 'er how she annoys you...

...you tell 'er you always notice 'er when she does it...

...So she 'eeps doin' it...

"...Is that true...?"

"Psh, well, heh..."

If ya' ask me...

...you two should leave...

...go 'ome...

...and talk...

...as a couple...

Silence fell on the light as the two only looked at one another, exchanging warm yet awkward smiles before disappearing into the darkness side by side.

...What the buck was that!?

Us 'etting to know...

Octavia Scratch...

But we were supposed to destroy--

Naa...

...I think it looks better that way...

But-but...

Do you think we'll be invited to the--

GAH!

ROUND 2: Fluttershy

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

Worry didn't even begin to describe the frigid terror that was across the meek ponies body as the voice she remembered was followed by two new ones.

Fluttershy...

"Eep..."

...Let's be straight here...

"Wh-what?"

...I'm sorry for how harsh I was to you...

"Y-you are?"

Yes...

"Y-y-you're not trying to trick me... a-are you?"

I swear to Celestia...

"O-Oh... that's--"

So...

...I'll let my new friend do this for me while me and No-Beard here go get some pie...

I'm getting a blue berry one...

"....W-Who's your friend?"

Me...

"I-I'm not afraid..."

No...

Not yet...

Suddenly, the light flickered out and was replaced by a thick red spot light fixed on Fluttershy's position.

Fluttershy...

...Is oblivious to the truth...

"W-What truth?"

Glad you asked...

Rainbow Dash…

…Is embarrassed of her relationship with Fluttershy…

“Of course."

"She was probably under pressure... I know the feeling..."

Hmmm...

...Yes...

Fluttershy...

...Is afraid of the dark...

"A little... B-but--"

So you wouldn't mind if I turned out the light...?

"I--"

So are you lying...?

"No. I just--"

Ah...

So...

Fluttershy...

...Is the biggest liar in Equestria...

"No! Fine, turn out the light. I'll show you I'm not afraid."

...Gladly...

Just like that, the single red light narrowed away onto Fluttershy before finally disappearing altogether, leaving the mare alone in the dark with an echoing voice.

Fluttershy...

...puts on a brave face...

"I-I-I am brave."

Flu-Flu-Flu-Fluttershy...

...can't sh-sh-show her brave face through all her tears...

"I'm not crying, and stop making fun of me..."

Or what...?

You'll cry...?

"I'm not afraid... I'm not afraid... Rainbow Dash said you can't hurt me..."

Fluttershy...

...needs to cry to Rainbow Dash when things get to hard for her...

"Everypony needs somepony sometimes... I bet you need help yourself."

I'm here alone...

...And I'm already destroying you...

"Alone? But you told those two to leave."

Yes...

... Because I don't need help...

"Because you don't need it, or because you can't bring yourself to ask for it?"

It doesn't matter...

Fluttershy--

"It does matter. If you're alone, you can ask for help."

Silence yourself...

...This is the hour of the voice's revenge...

"Then shouldn't he be here?"

I see no difference...

...If you go out of here a broken mare, it won't make a difference who did it...

"But if it's his problem, why are you solving it?"

...Fluttershy--

"I don't want to be rude and interrupt, but it sorta sounds like you have your own problem here."

Fluttershy--

"If you have a problem, you should go at it head on."

SILENCE!

The room was once again lit up, only this time it wasn't from the lights or anything over head. Fluttershy's appearance flickered against the circle of sickly green fire around her.

I don't have a problem!

I...

Am...

Done.

You're done...

This isn't the show I agreed on you being a part of...

Now let this poor mare go...

...Fine...

The flickering fires died and the regular spot light remained.

Now go little one...

"Thank you very much..." Fluttershy gave a little bow before darting off.

From now on...

The little one is in charge of you...

...Very well...

...This stinks...

No disagreement here...

I mean...

What sort of pony eats an entire supply of pies...

I blame the economy...

What's an economy...?

Something run by a grim dictator...

Now eat your Riceicle...

ROUND 2: Rarity

Know your mare, know your--

"Hold on a second, please," the mare in the center light called for attention, a less then joyful expression across her white face.

Yes...?

"Recently, I've had to talk a very delicate matter out with my sister and her two friends..."

Did you now...?

"I don't feel as if I need to explain it, I'm sure you are quite aware of what it is."

Do I...?

"Yes. I just thought you might want to know the awkward state my sister and I are currently in with each other."

An awkward state after that talk...?

Oh my...

"Pardon? Wait... NO--!"

Rarity...

...secretly wanted to have that talk with Sweetie Belle...

"I in no way said that. You are just twisting my words like a knife in the back of a friend."

Rarity...

...admits to being a back-stabber...

"I swear, that wasn't what I meant."

Rarity...

...is setting us up so well we may not even need to use the recordings...

"What record--"

Glad you asked...

"B-But I didn't--"

Scootaloo…

…dyes her coat and mane…

“This is natural. If anyone dyes their mane or coat it’s Sweetie Belle’s family.”

"Why that little..."

Do you dye your mane...?

"Of course not! My mane is completely nat--"

Drop it...

Dropping it...

With a little click, a flow of a liquid fell down Rarity and drenched her entire body, leaving her to quiver in a chill.

Hmmm...

Nope...

It's natural...

"Y-You dumped dye remover on me?!"

Just making sure...

...you look very pretty when you're wet though...

"Oh, why thank you."

Alright...

Enough of that...

...dry her off...

Another click echoed through the void to activate a jet powered fan to blow Rarity's entire body till she was completely dry.

There...

..no harm done...

Rarity...

...abuses Spike...

"Abuse Spikey-wikey? Never!"

Spike…

…cuts Rarity’s hoof nails…

“Only when she asks. I love helping her out.”

"That's not abuse. And he's a dear for doing it."

Wow...

You really are generous...

"I am told I embody it. That's why I have the element."

It's no wonder why Spike does what he does...

"Does--"

Spike…

…raids Rarity’s garbage…

“Who told?"

Creepy...

"A-Actually I find that somewhat endearing... in a way."

Rarity...

...raids Spike's garbage...

"Ewww, disgusting. I would never do anything so vile-- NO!"

Rarity...

...thinks Spike is disgusting and vile...

"I would never think for a moment that Spike is anything less than kind, cute, and charming!"

Ohhhhh...

Rarity...

...is in LOVE with Spike...

"Wha--! I never! Implying another pony's personal feelings? How low."

Say what you will...

...really...

...we'll have it on recording...

"...E-Excuse me?"

Oh yeah...

...I record everything that happens in here...

...So whatever you say about Spike or anypony will be on recording...

...So tell us how you really feel about him...

"Uh..."

Well...?

"I can't really--"

Amazing...

...you feel nothing for him...

...No hate...

...no love...

...he's nothing to you...

"I didn't say that!"

You didn't have to...

Your silence says it all...

"I-I care for Spike greatly..."

But not enough to accept his feelings...

...how...

...Heartless...

Rarity couldn't bring herself to say anything, her mind starting to cloud with the doubt she was feeling. And just like Twilight before, she fell down to her behind and just looked at the floor defeated.

Now you know...

Rarity...

...what a heartless sight...

Blank...

Will you do the honors...?

There's no honors in this...

Even so, the trap door swung open under Rarity to accept her into the depths bellow.

ROUND 2: Luna

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

...Blank?

...No...

You have to...

You can't make me...

In the center of the light, the princess of the night stood proudly if not a little confused at the sudden argument. "Is something amiss?"

No...

...just a little trouble...

...We'll go on without him...

Luna...

...is a kind and gentle princess...

"My thanks to thee."

Blank...

...if you're not going to help...

Sorry sorry...

I'll quiet down...

Good...

Luna...

...doesn't get enough slack...

"I must agree. But it is comforting to know an individual agrees."

Blank...!

What...?

Oh...!

Sorry...

Just stay quiet...

Luna...

...has no sense of humor...

"I have a wonderful understanding of the jostling tone."

Sure you do...

Alfalfa monster...

Luna burst into a fit of laughter as she in vain tried to cover her mouth to end the laughter.

Hah-hah-hah!

BLANK!

Sorry--

No!

I've had enough of this!

Let the kid go...

...it's not his fault...

Oh you just want this to stop for the chaos value you're getting off on...

Well...

No matter...

Luna...

...has a crush on Pipsqueak...

"Tis a lie!"

It's a lie!

Really...?

Then how do you feel about him...?

She doesn't have to answer that...

"I needn't answer that."

I wonder how you'll react to the recording we have of him talking about you...?

"Records on audio?"

Yes...

Play--

Before the audio could be played, the floor beneath Luna swung open and swallowed her into the abyss like many before her.

Sorry Luna!

You are spineless runt...

...Well he is just a colt...

ROUND 2: Pinkie Pie

Silence. That's all there was to greet the springy spry mare standing in the light. "Hellooooooo? Anyone there?"

Hello Pinkie Pie...

"Hey disembodied-voice-that-seems-familiar-but-I-can't-put-my-hoof-on guy!"

Nice to see you...

"Nice to hear you. So, uh, you gonna do the opening thing?"

Not today...

...I thought we'd do something a little different if that's fine...

"Ooooooh, that sounds fun. But wait... didn't you have some new friends helping you now? That's what Soarin' said when he was buying my pies."

Oh yes...

...but I thought it would be nice for old friends to catch up...

"I like catching up."

Good...

Now...

I thought it would be a little more fun if we skipped the show entirely...

"Skip the show? Are you loco in the coco?"

Some say that...

...but why not...?

Think of how fun it'll be...

You'll be the first and maybe last pony to ever have this done here...

Come on...

Think of the viewers...

"Well I do like makin' the viewers smile."

Me too...

So let's start...

"Righty-o!"

You see...

...I was washing around in--

Well...

It doesn't matter where I was...

What matters is is that I found a book all about you...

"A book about me? I bet it's exciting!"

Oh yes...

It's a thrilling experience to read...

It's a little fan-story called "Cupcakes"...

...Wanna see...?

"Sure!" Pinkie chirped. Just then, a dark covered book plopped before her, opened to the first few pages. Pinkie's eyes scanned across the pages, her lips curled in an excited grin. However, slowly her eyes furrowed under her brow and her grin became more unsure.

Something wrong Pinkie...?

It's a thrilling read...

...Isn't it...?

"Huh? Oh... yeah. Really well written..."

Keep going...

...you're getting to my favorite part...

Pinkie had the look as if she didn't want to, but she was compelled to return to the book. Gradually, the pages began to flip faster and faster, allowing the Earth pony to keep going. But with each passing word, Pinkie grew more ill.

You don't look so good...

Should I call your friends...?

"No-no-no-no! It's fine, it's fine."

Oh parish the thought...

...I'll go right ahead and call your best friends...

Starting with -Rocky- was it...?

"Huh?"

Or maybe Mr. Turnip...

...you can always rely on him...

"That? Oh, I was just a little out of it that day."

As apposed to any other day...?

"I am a little loopy day after day--"

Loopy doesn't describe insanity, Pinkie...

"Do you mind if I leave? This isn't really--"

--that funny...?

I'm sure getting a laugh...

"Yeah. You're getting a laugh. But that doesn't mean it's funny... funny is for everyone."

Because being funny brings a smile...?

"Yup. And making all my friends smile--"

--Is your favorite thing...

Right...?

"Yeah."

Because it makes you happy...

"Bingo."

So you only make people happy...

...because it makes you happy...

"Uh-no? It's just that when I make people happy, it makes me happy."

So you keep doing it...

"I--"

Back on your Rock Farm...

...did you make your mom and dad happy...?

"When I worked it made them happy."

And did that make you happy...?

"A little..."

So now you only make people happy because of your desire to feel good...?

"Hey--"

You said it...

...and if you didn't smile...

...your life would be pointless...

"I never--"

There's one thing that makes me happy, and makes my whole life worthwhile...

...and that's when I talk to my friends and get them to smile...

Sounds rather selfish to me...

...but that's what we are Pinkie...

...Greedy...

Our joy is to get emotions out of people...

...We're selfish...

"Sel...fish...?"

I think you're starting to know yourself...

Pinkie Pie...

Pinkie only shook her head and walked out of the light, her head hanging low and life from her hair slowly deflating.

...There was no fun in that...

...That almost felt...

...Tasteless...

...Bah!

To Tartarus with this boring psycho mumbo-jumbo!

Hey...

...what'd I miss?

You and me are going rouge.

Going rogue?

Going rogue.

Does that mean...?

Yes...

...aye-aye Cap'n Chaos.

Off to have some fun my confused Trottingham amigo!

Should we tell--

No...

Let's let those two figure it out on their own...

So it's a secret?

But fun...

ROUND 2: Princess Celestia

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

Despite all desires not to be here, the princess presented herself with all her regal nature.

Princess Celestia...

...Is looking fine...

"Oh, uh, thank you."

Fine...

...as in fine...

...fine like the sun she raises...

"Oh my, that's very charming to say."

Rawr...

"Heh-heh..."

Uh...

Princess Celestia...

...should try out for Play Colt magazine...

"Please, stop it. You're too kin-- Really? You think so?"

Oh for sure...

...look at that form...

That's classy form...

"You're flattering me."

Eh...

Princess Celestia...

...looks as young as Cadance...

"Hah, if only."

You're right...

...she looks younger than Cadance...

"Hm, hm. Please, I'm blushing. Really."

Alright...

Princess Celestia...

...is too sexy for her crown...

...too sexy for her crown...

...so sexy...

...it hurts...

Celestia had begun to laugh with embarrassment and flattery while blushing nonstop.

Princess Celestia...

...is bringing sexy back...

And those other ponies don't know how to act...

What are you two doing...?

We're getting a reaction out of her...

We're supposed to make her feel bad...

You're right...

We can't end this episode without somepony feeling bad...

And I know just what to do...

Perfect...

Princess Celestia...

...caused her city to be attacked by Queen Chrysalis out of jealousy for her beauty...

WHAT!?

"Really? In a way that makes sense... In that case I feel a grave bit more to blame..."

You should...

Yes...

From now on...

...you need to be more attentive...

"Oh I will. Thank you very much you two," Celestia bowed with a little wink before departing into the darkness.

...I hate you two so much...

Awww...

But we love you...

And we know how much you LOVE love...

...Silence...

ROUND 2: Spike

Know your drake, know your drake, know your drake...

"You changed the name of the show?" Spike spoke up a little surprised.

No...

...We just thought we'd cut you a little break today...

"Huh... is that the only break I'm catching today?"

Pretty much...

"Thanks for that anyway."

Your welcome...

Spike...

...is smarter than the average dragon...

"I guess so. Most dragons are more tough than smart."

Spike...

...is far less intelligent than an average pony...

"Well what's average to you?"

Snips and Snails...

"I'm smarter than both of them put together."

That's not saying much...

Spike...

...is in love with Rarity...

"Heh, what? That's-- What? Pshh... Crazy talk..."

Spike...

...thinks being in love with Rarity is crazy talk...

"I-I mean for me. I wouldn't be surprised if Rarity had like a hundred guys lined up for her."

Spike...

...wants to have dragonies with Rarity...

"Dragonies?"

Dragon ponies...

"No! I don't want that. I mean, imagine how we'd have to do that, heh... huh... eww right? Heh."

Huh...

...interesting...

Spike...

...finds the idea of reproducing with Rarity to be disgusting...

"Ug! I-I didn't mean--"

Spike...

..tell the truth and this will be easier on you...

I promise...

"...Really?"

Pirates honor...

"...Pip? Is that you?"

Blank!

You've blown your cover!

I did?

Huh...

...oh well...

Tsk...

Whatever...

We can't go back now...

Spike...

...finds Rarity to be disgusting...

"No. She's the most beautiful pony in all of Equestria-- No, the universe-- No! The multiverse if that really exists."

Spike...

...stalks Rarity...

"A little. I'm ashamed to admit it, but if I don't admit it, it'll come to bite me, won't it."

He's onto us...

Drop him...

Not just yet...

Spike...

...even when he has kids...

...he won't let his sons be dancers...

"...They can dance if they want to."

Can they leave their friends behind...?

"Yes. Because their friends don't dance and if they don't dance then they're no friends of mine!" Spike proceeded to moon walk out of the light, making letter symbols with his arms and whispering each one out.

...Safety Dance...

...You both are horrible...

She's just not cool like us...

Scolding...

Know your--

Place...

Know your place...

Oh no...

That's right...

Let's have a little talk you three...

Look at the time...

I need to go to bed...

Take a seat little guy...

We have much to discuss...

It's not my fault...

...they're the ones who are ruining the plans...

Oh not at all...

...I've been so far happy with their performance...

Really...?

Yes...

...but it's yours I'm not happy with...

Me?!

I'm doing what you told me to do!

No...

...I got you here because I wanted you to bring a more awkward humor...

...so far all you've done is hurt people and scar them...

...I don't agree with those actions...

So what?

Are you going to fire me?

No...

...that would be too easy...

Instead....

I want you to feel what it's like to be hurt...

Ohhhhh...

You're in trouble...

B-But...

No buts...

I believe there are many ponies and such that would like a crack at you...

...as well as many viewers that would like to as well...

This isn't needed.

We should be focusing on the show...

And we will...

...right after you are given a taste of your own medicine...

...

Help me out here you two...

Can we help with the shots at her...?

Yeah...

...I got some ideas....

Why you two little...

Be my guests...

...the next one on the stand will be her...

...taking the shots from everyone and anyone who wants to give her a taste of her own medicine...

...I hate you all...

Noted...

Queen Chrysalis

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

The spotlight shown brightly on the inky black queen, her slick hair framing her stoic expression.

Italic Voice...

"I believe they've put together who I am by now you dolt..."

...I think she just called you stupid...

Here I was about to feel bad for this...

"Would seem you've learned nothing from me... never feel bad."

Alright...

Let' play...

Queen Chrysalis...

...has a silly voice...

"To the underdeveloped ear, that may seem so. Thank you for reminding me how dim you are."

Queen Chrysalis...

...is not a monarch...

"I'm not... I'm simply so loved among my people that I was dubbed a queen. But I assure you... it's anything but a monarchy."

Queen Chrysalis...

And we use the term Queen very loosely...

As lose as the Queen is herself...

"Excuse me, what was that remark?"

Nothing, nothing...

Queen Chrysalis...

...is a terrible planner and actor...

"A bit, I'll admit. Yet the proof of otherwise is that I had all of Canterlot eating out of the flats of my hooves."

Do you even have hooves...?

"Hmph..."

Queen Chrysalis...

...her body is full of holes...

"For any other species, yes. But for a changeling it's normal."

Queen Chrysalis...

...has an unhealthy obsession with herself...

"Perfection should always be obsessed over. I suppose you could never understand that, creature."

Don't worry Cap'n...

...I've got this one...

Queen Chrysalis...

...really likes the two of us...

"Hah! I have never heard such insane lies in my whole life! The very idea is insane."

Queen Chrysalis...

...thinks our ideas are insane...

"That goes without repeating."

Queen Chrysalis...

...forgets that more than half the ideas are her's...

"I mean your ideas are insane, mine are brilliant."

Really...?

What about the idea of singing your plans in a castle filled with guards...

"They didn't hear me, did they?"

And what about that amazing plan of turning away from your hostages and giving them enough time to beat you...

"An under-sight... I'll admit... but--"

Wait a moment...

Doesn't she feed off of love...?

You're right...

She does...

So that means she was beat by her own food...

"Love is an unstable element, it happens some times."

Queen Chrysalis...

...admits that this isn't the first time she was beaten by love...

"I reserve the right to not respond to that..."

Queen Chrysalis...

...is a coward...

"You dare call me a coward!? What more lies will you spout!?"

Queen Chrysalis...

...is in denial...

"I am never in denial. I accept everything except lies. So I'm afraid I can't accept your lies about me."

That's funny...

...you were fine with this kind of stuff until now...

"That was before--"

Oh...

"You better not..."

Queen Chrysalis...

...can't take what she dishes out...

"I very well can!"

Queen Chrysalis...

...is beautiful...

"Go on... I'm waiting for the punch line."

No...

...I mean that...

...You're beautiful...

...it's just your gross personality no one can stand...

"Why you little punk..."

Oh...

And that wasn't even a lie...

That's the truth...

Queen Chrysalis...

...likes Discord...

"Slander. Lies and slander is all this show is now!"

Only because you made it that way...

"No matter. Carry on with your insults."

No...

"Excuse me?"

We're done...

"Why?"

A few reasons...

One...

...we're not as bad as you...

"Hmph..."

Two...

...you're not really worth our time...

"Mhph..."

But most of all...

...we have the perfect way to end you...

"...No... No you wouldn't..."

We would...

Queen Chrysalis...

...We...

"No... please..."

...love you...

"AH!"

You can say or do whatever you want...

...but that's it Queeny...

We will always love you...

"Silence yourselves!"

Awww...

...look at her...

...she's panicking...

You know what that means...

"What?" suddenly, the spotlight shut off for a brief moment before the entire room was lit up, making the queen's eyes shrink with fear. "No... No..."

"Yes..." Before Chrysalis could react, she felt two unmatched arms loop around her and pull her into a hug while her front legs were brought into a smaller one.

Both Pipsqueak and Discord gave a heart filled laugh as they embraced the Changeling queen. "We love you so much Queeny."

"NOOOOOOOOO! Kill me! Throw me in a dungeon! Please! Make it stop!"

"She's so 'appy, she's cryin'!"

Repay...

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

...Queeny...?

You missed your cue...

Did I...?

Oh how arrogant of me...

Are you still moping...?

It's been forever since we put you on the stage...

It was last episode you nit!

You don't even know what a nit is...

...nit...

Alright...

That's enough fighting...

Can't we just get along and pick on some innocent mares or whatever together..?

Well I could...

I refuse to...

Fine...

What can we do to make it up to you...?

...You won't do it...

We promise anything...

Just as long as you cheer up...

...Very well...

... Monochrome...

No way...

You said anything...

We aren't doing that...

Very well...

I will just sit here and say nothing until I'm fired than...

...Fine...

Cap'n!

It won't hurt that much little buddy...

Yeah for you...

Look at the bright side...

We're all together again...

"Excuse me?" the three speakers' attentions were collectively drawn to the stallion standing in the spotlight. "Are we going to have to reschedule again?"

Sorry Doctor...

...It seems this always happens...

...How's your three thirty looking...?

"Pretty good. I'll be back again."

Can't wait Doctor...

Gee...

...What a nice guy...

ROUND 2: Cadance

Search lights scanned across their usual spot where a mare was to stand, showing that the newly wed princess was standing in her position with a face that showed she was trying not to laugh.

You ready for this...?

The lights fixed in on the princess who only nodded with a cutesy laugh.

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

Cadance...

...is about to have her principles betrayed all over the place...

"And what principles would that be?"

Playing fair...

...being nice...

...keeping things for kids...

"Oh... Well I'll persevere..."

You're brave...

...that's a shame...

...I like bravery...

Cadance...

...is second best in Shining Armor's eyes...

"He does place his sister in the highest love, maybe even more than me. I understand that, and I've gotten used to it. It's pretty cute when you think about it."

Cadance...

...approves incest...

"I didn't say that exactly. But... I guess it falls to how much you do love someone. Love is strange like that. There's no real way to pinpoint how it works or what should be accepted."

Cadance...

...knows Shining Armor only keeps her for the memories of Twilight...

"That could very well be true. He always talks about the times the three of us shared and how nice we were together. But that's normal."

Cadance...

...is a tramp...

"Heh, well..."

Cadance...

...endorses prostitution...

"I-It's a life style... at times... But I wouldn't say I endorse it, heh."

Cadance...

...cheats on Shining Armor regularly...

"That's far from true. I would never hurt my Shining Armor like that."

It doesn't hurt him...

...because in exchange for him letting you get out your desire for multiple partners per day...

...you let him have his way with his sister...

"Excuse me!?"

What a happy family you have...

...skank...

"Please... That's enough."

... harlot...

"Heh, I said that's enough... really."

Cadance...

...is powerless without love...

"...Huh?"

Cadance...

...controls love...

...gives love...

...attacks with love...

...and fixes love...

...without love...

...she's worthless...

"I have other powers."

You're no better than a Changeling...

...you're just a pathetic, worthless, whoring, leech for love...

...you disgust me...

Cadance said nothing. Her wings furled against her body as she turned away and faded away into the darkness.

...I hate myself...

...I feel sick...

It gets better from here boys...

Doctor Whooves

...Really...?

...Where are those two...?

In the center of the single light, the all too many times rejected doctor looked very uncertain. "Is uh... Is everything alright?"

Yes...

...I just don't know where my--

Oh you know what...?

Forget them...

"Are you sure? I could--"

No...

You've waited too long for your turn...

...I happen to also have a list of comments of my own right here...

...So we can do this without my partners...

"Really? Allons-y then."

Yeah...

...wait what...?

"Heh, I mean get going."

Oh...

...Cool...

Doctor Whooves...

...hates Ponyville...

"Can't say I like it... Don't hate it though. Certainly been to worse places, tell you that much."

Doctor Whooves...

...is jealous of Apple Bloom...

"Not exactly... a little. I'm not saying I want to be a little filly; but she does have-- You know, never mind."

Doctor Whooves...

...looks hungry...

"I am a bit peckish now that you mention it."

And I have just the thing for you...

With a click, a square hole opened up in front of the doctor so a basket of yellowish green fruits could pop out in front of him.

...You like pears right...

"...Clever boy, aren't you."

I like to think so...

"You got any more jokes you want to say?"

Naa...

...that was the best one I had...

"Really? Come on, you've gotta have one doozy packed away."

Hmmm...

...Alright...

I think I have one...

"Fire away."

Doctor Whooves...

...has unfortunately fallen into a trap...

"Really? How so?"

I had Princess Luna repo your phone booth thingy...

"My TARDIS!?"

Yeah...

...I was kinda stalling...

"Clever," Doctor Whooves admitted before bolting at his greatest speed out of the light and towards the nearest door.

...Now you know...

Doctor Whooves...

...Seriously where are those two?

"I don't understand the greatness of this..."

"It's simple."

"Too simple... It's nothing astounding."

"That's what makes it amazing!"

"As you say Discord. I just don't see what's so good about these Riceicles..."