Know your Mare

by Overlord-Flinx

First published 19th of April, 2012

It's silly, it's pointless, and it makes little to no sense... I've heard of worse story ideas.

A 'Know your Star' story; only with your favourite ponies getting unneeded hassle and lies told about them. Won't this be fun? Probably not... But hey, everything can't be seriousness all the time, so let's take a load off and just pester some ponies, and Spike for good measure.

The never ending adventures of Know Your Mare march on and on and on.

Comic: http://ladlordblack.deviantart.com/favourites/#/d53s1hc
Animation: Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_c7CPLlzO8&list=LLAaWYxICqZHBI2hBIxg2oEg&feature=mh_lolz
Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hqYTZ1TKNfk&feature=g-u-u
Picture: http://luna-is-best-pony.deviantart.com/art/Know-Your-Mare-314464512

Twilight Sparkle

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

The purple pony in the center of the dark room smiled a little as the male voice echoed through the area around her.

Twilight Sparkle…

…is a conspiracy nut…

"Conspiracy nut? Not at all. I will admit that prier to Nightmare Moon's release I was rather hung up on her possibility. But I was proven right so…"

Twilight Sparkle…

…never passed Magic Kindergarten…

"I-I did! Honest. I could go get my certificate… It's hung over my bed in a frame."

Twilight Sparkle…

…takes gems from Spike while he's sleeping…

"I would never—"

…Then puts his hand in a bowl of water…

"Why would I—"

…Then calls him a bed wetter the next day…

"Lies! These are nothing but lies!"

Twilight Sparkle…

…thinks this is a conspiracy to make her look bad…

"Well, now that you mention it…"

Twilight Sparkle…

…Just confirmed she's a conspiracy nut…

"I am not a conspiracy nut! And I don't do any of those things."

Now you know…

…Twilight Sparkle…

"I can't say that they do."

I can. Because I'm a disembodied voice…

"I'm out of here… I am going to send a strongly written report to Princess Celestia the moment I'm out of here about how twisted this show is…" stomping out of the single light, Twilight faded away before being followed by a loud door slam.

Trixie

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

The star designed purple wizard hat upon the mare's head dipped a little as she smirked proudly.

Trixie—

"The Great and powerful Trixie, if you'd please."

The Great and Powerful Trixie...

…hates her mane…

"Hat my mane? Absurd! Who could possibly hate such a luxurious and magnificent silver mane like my own?"

The Great and Powerful Trixie…

…Is homeless…

"I'm not—Well… I wasn't until recent events. But I could have another one built in no time."

The Great and Powerful Trixie…

…Can't afford to bathe…

"What makes you say that? Do I smell? I bathe regularly! I assure you!"

The Great and Powerful Trixie…

…does favors for Twilight Sparkle for food…

"Not in a million years! I'd rather be stripped of my magic and eat dirt then take one knee to that upstart!"

The Great and Powerful Trixie…

…traded her powers to Twilight for a sandwich…

"Where are you hearing these lies? The Great and Powerful Trixie demands names!"

The Meek and Powerless Trixie…

"What did you call me?"

…she robs tip jars…

"Once! I took it once! The service was far from befitting my magnificent presence. They owed me that tip for the poor service!"

Now you know…

…Trixie…

"They don't! They think I'm a poor beggar with ratty hair because of you!"

Dial the number below and help this mare get off the streets… and off Twilight Sparkle's lawn…

"The Great and Powerful Trixie is never on any of these things! I'm not poor, I'm not poor!" the blue mare shouted with a slight whine as the light showing her faded to black.

Applejack

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

The blond mane pony adjusted her hat with a hearty smile while waiting in the single spotlight lit room.

Applejack…

…is a cheater…

"A cheat? Me? Well that there's just pony feathers. I never cheated in ma' life."

Applejack…

…is an artist…

"Well now, that's mighty kind of ya' ta' say; but I can't agree with that. I'm not much for—"

…A con-artist…

"Listen here buddy-boy, I ain't no flimflamming Flim or Flam, no sir! I work a good, honest business at Sweet Apple Acers."

Applejack…

…bribed Flim and Flam to ruin their cider…

"That's underhanded! They lost 'cause they got reckless and too full on themselves."

Applejack…

…endorses slavery…

"Will ya' stop that? Yer' spoutin' nothin' but lies! I've never put other ponies in slavery!"

Applejack…

…puts ponies before all other species…

"Now that ain't fair. I give cattle, sheep, even pigs a place ta' live!"

Applejack…

…keeps all the money her family makes for herself…

"Steal from ma' family? Steal from ma' family? I'd sooner eat ma' own hat than cheat the family!"

Now you know…

…Applejack…

"Consarnit! Yer' not even listening!" throwing her hat to the floor, Applejack stormed off into the dark, cursing the lies she was forced to hear.

Fluttershy

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

The single pony with her yellow coat curled up a little worried as the voice came echoing off.

Fluttershy…

…has romantic feelings for Rainbow Dash…

"Oh my, no. She's a—And I'm a—So I—eep…"

Fluttershy…

…runs a smuggling ring…

"A smuggling ring? That sounds just awful. Why would I be a part of that?"

Fluttershy…

…abducts animals for trafficking her smuggling…

"Animal abuse? That's just horrible! Oh, the poor bunnies, and kitties, and— Oh, I can't bare to think about that."

Fluttershy…

…cheated her family for the deed to her cottage…

"I would never! They gave it to me because they thought I was responsible; and so my animals wouldn't make a mess of their home."

Fluttershy…

…puts animals before family…

"That's not what I meant. Please stop telling lies about me?"

Fluttershy…

…bribes Rainbow Dash with Wonderbolt Tickets so she'll be her friend…

"That's heartless! We're friends. We don't need to buy each other's affection."

Fluttershy…

…just said she and Rainbow Dash are in love…

"Wah. Please stop being so mean!"

Now you know…

…Fluttershy…

"You are so mean," with a whimper, Fluttershy bolted out from under the light and into the darkness.

…Well now I feel bad…

Princess Celestia

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

Regally the pure white mare stood with her rainbow-hue mane drifting along her back as she formed a smile at the start of the words.

Princess Celestia…

…She's old…

"Well, that goes without saying."

…and it shows…

"Are you implying I look elderly? I assure you I most certainly don't… I at least think not."

Princess Celestia…

…she wears a wig…

"That's most certainly untrue; I'd like you to know. My sister and I both are gifted with magnificent manes. Please keep your statements to facts."

Princess Celestia…

…she lowers the sun when she doesn't want to work…

"I can't say I've ever done that… more then once, heh heh."

Princess Celestia…

…has a Royal Nose picker…

"Why would I have one of—Wait a moment… No, no. It's still untrue."

Princess Celestia…

…banished her parents but keeps her title because it makes her sound younger…

"Banishing people without warrant? Family no less? Sir, I won't stand for you smearing anymore lies on my good name."

Now you know…

Princess Celestia…

"They certainly don't. You realize I'm the princess, right? I will not standby and let you continue these lying acts," with a flex of her wings, Princess Celestia stormed off out of the light in the room.

Rarity

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

The white mare flipped her purple mane back with a proud smile as she batted her eyelashes in the single light above her.

Rarity…

…is embarrassed of her family…

"Well, what young filly wouldn't be a little indifferent about their family? But I do love them, really I do."

Rarity…

…tells her sister not to sing…

"Perish the thought. I love my little sister's wonderful singing. I would never tell her nor anyone to squander their talent for my own needs."

Rarity…

…is jealous of her sister's singing talent…

"I'm sorry, what? No. I am most definitely not jealous of my sister in any way. I can sing spectacularly myself, so I need not be jealous of my younger sister's talent."

Rarity…

…wishes she was young like her sister…

"Are you implying that I am old?"

Rarity…

…is losing her hearing with old age…

"How dare you! I am a beautiful and radiant young mare!"

Now you know…

…Rarity…

"What? You're ending it there? You haven't cleared up any of your lies yet!"

Woops, I forgot to speak louder for her…

NOW YOU KNOW…

…RARITY…

"I never!" with a huff, Rarity slipped into the darkness, nose held high and stomping all the way.

Luna

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

The light that usually lit the lone pony in the center stage had been greatly dimmed as light twinkles shown off from the mare’s mane.

Princess Luna…

…is jealous of her sister…

“Not in the slightest. I honor my sister and aspire to be her level of harmony one day. It has nothing to do with petty emotions.”

Princess Luna…

…sent Gilda an invitation to Ponyville to cause trouble…

“Who is Gilda? Never the less, I did no such thing. I would never purposely cause trouble for others.”

Princess Luna…

…released Discord—

“Pardon?”

--then helped him steal the Elements—

“Tis’ a bold-faced—“

--then told him their weaknesses…

“Blasphemy! This is outright treason!”

Princess Luna…

…plans to overthrow her sister…

“Overthrow my—we share equal power!”

Princess Luna…

…wants all the power to herself…

“Never! I would sooner die than plot against mine own sister!”

Now you know…

Princess Luna…

“They know only lies! I shall see you quartered for these statements. Do you hear me? Quartered!” Luna echoed her voice through the vast emptiness before ducking out into the darkness.

Spike

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

For once, a pony was not in the spotlight. Instead, a small dragon with green spines running down his back stood there with a cool smile.

Spike…

…plays with dolls…

“Once! Just once. Well… one day… two days at the most.”

Spike…

…is a closet dance star…

“Dance star? I’ve got two left prints. I can’t dance at all.”

Spike…

…cuts Rarity’s hoof nails…

“Only when she asks. I love helping her out.”

Spike…

…raids Rarity’s garbage…

“Who told—I mean… no I don’t…”

Spike…

…is a cyborg robot from the future…

“I’m a what? How… how would I even be—That doesn’t make any sense. But it is cool.”

Spike…

…styles Twilight’s mane to look like Rarity’s while she sleeps…

“That’s sick! What kind of sicko would do that!?”

And now you know…

…Spike…

“What? Really? No they don’t! I’m so telling Twilight about this. She’ll do… something… I don’t know what, but she will,” Spike muttered while moving into the darkness like those before him.

Rainbow Dash

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

A mare with a rainbow mane stroked it back calmly while holding a smile of confidence.

Rainbow Dash…

…dyes her mane…

“You know, I hear that a lot. But no, it’s totally not dyed. Just want to set the record straight.”

Rainbow Dash…

…likes Fluttershy…

“Of course I do. She’s an awesome girl and a great friend. Who wouldn’t?”

…really likes Fluttershy…

“Uh, yeah? I do like Fluttershy. You just said that.”

…Really, really likes Fluttershy…

“Wait, wait. What are you trying to say?”

Rainbow Dash…

“Hey! Don’t ignore me!”

…cuts Applejack’s hair to stuff her pillow…

“Woah! Hold it right there!”

Rainbow Dash…

…is a filly-fooler…

“B-B-B—No! I-I’m not! Honest!”

Rainbow Dash…

…Is embarrassed of her relationship with Fluttershy…

“My relation—NO! I don’t have that kind of relationship!”

Now you know…

Rainbow Dash…

“They don’t! They do not! Buck! You’re a liar!” Rainbow Dash spat out as her wings fluttered and sent her bursting into the darkness.

Pinkie Pie

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

The pink party mare shook in anticipation, failing to hold in her eager.

Pinkamena Diane Pie…

“Hah! It’s been forever since I’ve been called that.”

…has a party problem…

“Yeah, I do. But now I’m only having one party a day. All in moderation.”

Pinkamena Diane Pie…

“You can just call me Pinkie Pie if you want. It’s soooo much easier.”

…bakes other mares into cupcakes…

“Noooo, I wouldn’t say that. I just use their hair for an ingredient! I know it’s so weird, but it actually holds the taste and you can hardly feel it if you don’t know.”

Pinkamena Diane Pie…

“Okie Dokie Loki, call me what you want.”

…uses her party cannon for war…

“You’re darn right I do! War on boredom! And so far –HAH HAH- it’s become a war of attrition… They’ll give up sooner or later.”

Pinkamena Diane Pie…

…is a foalnapper….

“Yup. I steal Pumpkin and Pound away from their parents so we can have extreme baby fun! Like sky diving from Cloudsdale.”

Alright, stop it…

“Stop what?”

Stop agreeing with me…

…You’re supposed to be getting angry…

“But you’ve been right all this time.”

I’m making this—

Look…

…just disagree with me from here on…

“Alrighty-tighty.”

Pinkamena Diane Pie…

…Hates fun…

“Yeah, I hate fun… I much prefer a ton of fun.”

I’m out of here…

Pinkie Pie remained seated as she heard the echoing of steps followed by a loud slamming door. “…That’s all foalks!” Pinkie chirped into the darkness.

Gilda

Know your mare, know your—

“I’m not a mare,” Gilda spoke up in a sharp tone, ruffling her feathered body.

Gilda the Griffon…

…Is nice…

“Uh, thanks?”

Gilda…

…is the nicest quadruped you’ll ever meet…

“Again, thanks?”

Gilda…

…bakes cookies…

“No I don’t. Cookie baking’s for nerds.”

Gilda…

…has tea parties…

“Woah! I do not have tea parties! Only sissies and chumps do that.”

Gilda…

…has a playground crush on Fluttershy…

“No feathering way! That pony is a sissy!”

Gilda…

…just admitted to having tea parties with Fluttershy…

“How?! How did I possible admit to that?”

Don’t deny it…

Gilda…

…shares homeless beans with Trixie after tea parties…

“What’s with you and the tea parties!?”

Now you know…

Gilda…

Gilda only replied with a sharp screech that shattered the bulbs above before disappearing into the sparking darkness.

Shining Armor

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

The proud stallion in the center of the dark room adjusted his metallic crest on his sash with a smile.

Shining Armor…

…He has family issues…

“No way. Twilie and I worked through our little argument. It was my fault so I hid most of the working through after the wedding.”

Shining Armor…

…Is embarrassed of his sister…

“Why would I be embarrassed? She runs her own library; she’s the star student of princess Celestia, as well as being a holder of one of the Elements of Harmony. I’m honored to have her as a sister.”

Shining Armor…

…used his sister to get closer to Cadance…

“Alright, I sort of did, I’ll give you that one. But you have to use what you have to get your hoof into the front door, right?”

Shining Armor…

…is only nice to Twilight Sparkle because it makes him look good to Cadance…

“Are you saying my love for my sister is fake? That’s low. I love my sister with my whole heart. Don’t you ever doubt that.”

…Is that so…?

“It is.”

…Hmm…

Shining Armor…

…has romantic feelings for his little sister…

“Hey! Keep your sick ideas in your own head! I love my sister, but not like that!”

Shining Armor…

…is torn between his sister and his wife…

“I’m not torn between anypony!”

Then who do you love more?

“…What?”

Cadance or Twilight…

…who do you love more?

“Well I—That is to say… uh… It’s a matter of different catagories of love, you know?”

Shining Armor…

…Has some psychiatric feelings to sort through…

“What’s that supposed to mean!?”

Now you know…

Shining Armor…

“You can’t just cut me off there. I’m Captain of the Royal Guard. I will see you put on trial for this kind of talk,” Shining Armor warned the voice before trotting off into the darkness in a growing huff.

Cadance

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

The young newly-wed princess adjusted her attire slightly with a glitter of her horn and awaited what would surely be a fair show.

Cadance…

…Isn’t a real princess…

“You know, I’ve been thinking about that. Aunt Celestia and Luna aren’t technically princess either, but they do share the throne so that sort of justifies it. But I’m not only merried but also an only child… So I really should change my title. Thank you for reminding me disembodied voice.”

Your… welcome?

Cadance…

…Is a Changeling…

“For all you know I could be. I wouldn’t blame you to think that. Even my husband mistook that tramp of a queen for me for about more then three days. So it would make sense that you would think I could be a Changeling. Once more I thank you for your cautious observance.”

No… problem?

Cadance…

…Is jealous of Twilight Sparkle…

“Oh, completely. Look at her mane, her magic, she’s fantastic! Shining was one lucky colt to grow up with her. I can only imagine what kind of looker she’ll be when she’s her brother’s age… probably a real head turner.”

Probably…

Wait… no… Gah…!

Cadance…

…Is older then she looks…

“And how old do I look?”

I don’t know… pretty young?

“Why thank you.”

…I’m out of here.

“Why? Aren’t you having fun?”

You’re too nice…

I can’t think of anything…

“Really? Huh… Well alright. I’ll come back later when you think of something. Does that work for you?”

That would be wonderful…

Thank you….

“No problem at all. See you later,” Cadance gave a simple wave before trotting off into the darkness.

…Did she just outsmart me?

Scootaloo

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

The filly in the center’s wings may have been small and undeveloped, but that did not stop them from giving an ecstatic flutter against her orange coat.

Scootaloo…

…can’t fly…

“Uh, duh? Of course I can’t fly. Everyone knows that.”

Scootaloo…

…dyes her coat and mane…

“This is natural. If anyone dyes their mane or coat it’s Sweetie Belle’s family.”

I’ll keep that in mind…

“Hey! Don’t tell her I said that.”

I wouldn’t think of it…

Scootaloo…

…thinks the sky is falling…

“Why would I think that? If it was falling, Rainbow Dash or Luna would save the day!”

Why Luna…?

“Because the princess and I are cool like that, Know-It-All.”

Scootaloo…

…has ménage-a-trois ideas about she and the other Crusaders…

“Menage-a-what? Wait… is that something we could get a cutie mark for?”

…Yes…

“Awesome! I’ll get the others and we’ll try it out!”

Do that…

…But first ask every pony you know of how to do it…

“Thanks voice-guy-thing. You’re alright.”

Yes…

…I am…

And now you know…

Scootaloo…

“See you later!” Scootaloo waved her goodbye into the abyss of darkness and trotted off to find her friends and start her new quest: “Cutie Mark-a-trois”.

Apple Bloom

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

Much like her older sister far before, the little filly in the center adjusted her bow with a cheerful grin.

Apple Bloom…

…is a known liar…

“Ah’ guess so. Can’t say ah’ never lie. Ah’ mean, hay, there was that whole Cutie Pox thing, right?”

Apple Bloom…

…under cuts herself…

“Under cut? Ya’ mean sell ma’self short? Why or how do ah’ do that?”

Apple Bloom…

…Has an amazing singing voice…

“Nah, it ain’t nothin’ ta’ hoot over.”

Apple Bloom…

…refuses to sing in front of Sweetie Belle properly so as not to hurt her feelings…

“Hurt her feelin’s? How could me singin’ hurt her feelin’s? Sweetie Belle’s amazin’ at singin’!”

Apple Bloom…

…is delusional…

“Delus—Listen, where ah’ come from, that kindo’ talk be something ya’ scrap over. If ya’ll tryin’ to say Sweetie Belle is a horrible singer, yer’ wrong!”

Now you know…

Apple Bloom…

“Ain’t no way they do! All ya’ did was talk crazy! Ah’m tellin’ Big Mac on ya!” the little Apple Bloom trotted off into the darkness in confusion over what had just happened.

Derpy

Know your mare, know your… Uh…

For the first time the light in the center of the darkness was empty, not a soul in sight.

…Hello?

…Are you here?

“Yes.”

…Well where are you?

“In the room.”

…Well get in the light…

“…What light?”

The one in the center of the room…

“Oh! Okay!” with an echoing trot through the darkness gradually getting closer. Shortly after, the gray coat of a lop-eyed mare came into the light with a powerful grin.

Right…

Derpy…

…She’s…

…Leaving the light…?

Back in the spotlight, Derpy continued to step onward towards the opposite end she entered from.

Stop…!

“Well I can’t find the center of the room. Only this part of the room is lit so it’s hard to find it, you know?”

Look…

…Just stand there…

Right where you are…

“Okay!”

Alright…

Derpy…

…has a—

…muffin with her…?

Seemingly from nowhere, the pegasus was munching on a crisp muffin resting on the floor before her.

Stop eating…

“Mhi?” she asked with bits of muffin spreading out as she spoke.

You’re just supposed to answer me when I speak…

…not eat…

With a loud gulp Derpy pushed the muffin away and smiled once more. “Okay.”

Good…

Derpy…

…has—

…trapped herself in a paper bag…

With grunts from in the light, Derpy had inexplicably got her entire head wedged into a paper bag and was now squirming on the floor in an attempt to get free.

…How did you even do that?

“I had to put the muffin somewhere, didn’t I?”

Yes…

…but…

…You know what…?

…there’s nothing I can say that could possibly be worse then what you could do to yourself…

Sitting up with the bag still draped over her head, she nodded with a crinkle. “I get that a lot.”

Anyway…

I guess know you know…

Derpy…

…You need any help with that bag…?

“Nope, I got it.” Derpy reassured the voice as her front hooves flailed at an attempt to pluck the bag off.

…I’m just gonna go…

Once the voice had gone silent, Derpy finally let the bag fall off of her head and fell back onto her flank. “Yeah! I did it!” seeing the room once more, she looked around the room curiously. “Where did my muffin go…? Oh yeah! The bag.” Derpy opened the bag once more and dipped her head in to reclaim her muffin… only to get wedge in there once more with a satisfied nibble to her muffin.

Sweetie Belle

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

Unlike her sister before, the little filly in the center of the light seemed filled with contempt.

Sweetie Belle…

…Lip sings…

“…”

Sweetie Belle…

…likes her sister more then her own parents…

“…”

Sweetie Belle…

…lost her voice and won’t admit it…

“Oh no, my voice is fine. I’m just letting you talk for maybe the last time in your life.”

Sweetie—

Wait…

…what…?

“Yeah. You see, Scootaloo just came to me a few days ago talking about something she heard from you.”

Did she now…?

“Uh-huh. And at first I was interested… but then I asked Rarity what it means.”

And…?

“And thanks to a book Twilight lent me, I found out that what you did was illegal. In fact, your entire show is illegal.”

Ill—

“Hush, I’m talking. What you did to Scootaloo is categorized under ‘endorsing pornography’… I don’t know what that means, but the book said it was really illegal.”

Wait a—

“It also said that by court standers, what this show is and what you do is considered ‘slander’, which coupled with the previous crime can be brought to a high court of law.”

Joke’s on you…

…Equestria doesn’t have a court system…

“Oh I know that… but we do have two princesses with control over the law that will love to see you brought before them with a case against you.”

…Now you know…

“Yeah, you better run.”

…Sweetie Belle…

…Attorney at law apparently….

Voice...

Know your mare, know your mare, know your—

Oh what’s the use…?

…I’ve been beaten by nearly five guests on this show…

…it’s happening far too frequently…

…I guess I should just…

…give this up…

…I lose…

No you don’t…

What…?

You haven’t lost just yet…

You haven’t seen how bad things have been going…

…I was beaten by a pony that got caught in a paper bag…

Yes…

…you did…

…but you’re not out of this game yet…

How do you mean…?

You have exhausted the main possibilities thus far…

…but if you want to win, you must strike at the legs…

…Go on…?

You’ll have your chance to go at those you’ve done before later…

…but first you must crush those that make them look good…

Make them look good…?

…Who…?

If you want a play to go bad…

…you dirty up the background…

…Hah…

…hah-hah-hah…

MWA-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAAAAAA!

While this dialogue between inanimate voices occurred, a stallion with a brown coat looked around confused. “Uh… can I go home now?”

Huh…?

Oh…

Yeah Doctor…

…we’ll call you back later…

“Right-o,” without another word he stepped out from the light to wait for his return on another date.

…MWA-HAH-HAH-HAH!

This…

…is going to be just…

Perfect…

Braeburn

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

The bracing stallion in the center of the only light of the room fixed his cowpony hat on his head much like his cousin before.

Braeburn…

…is a bandit…

“A bandit? Nah, I ain’t no bandit. Sure as hay seen a bandit or two on the range though.”

Braeburn…

…is Spanish…

“Span-what? That one of them fancy languages?”

Señor Braeburn…

…Es un bandido…

“I’m a burrito? How am I a Celestia dang burrito?”

Señor Braeburn…

…tiene la inteligencia de una manzana….

“I can’t understand that…”

Exactly…

“Are you callin’ me stupid?”

What…?

No…

…Pero yo lo haría…

…Quemaduras en la cabeza…

“Ain’t got no reason to take this flack from you!”

And now you know…

Señor Braeburn…

“That’s not my name. Go back an’ do it over please.”

Adiós…

Manzana cerebro…

“The hay is your problem? You two are a pair a’—Well… can’t say. Mama said those kinda words ain’t nice… even if they are true,” Braeburn with nothing more to say dipped his hat down and departed into the darkness.

Lyra

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

Perhaps it was out of courtesy or for some sort of sense of humor but the unicorn in the light of the room was comfortably sitting in a wooden chair in her most unusual manner.

Lyra…

…knows more then she lets on…

“And what am I letting on to? Huh? Tell me that.”

Uh…

Letting on about your schooling…

…Canterlot born and raised…

…very smart…

“Yeah, totally. Top percent and everything.”

Lyra…

…is wealthy…

“Well I don’t like to brag… but I have enough to prevent me from ever working a day in my life, thank you.”

Lyra…

…despite her wealth, intellect, and apparent residence in Canterlot, mooches off of Ponyville denizens…

“Mooch? I’m not a mooch!”

Lyra…

…ignores Twilight on a regular basis despite knowing her from Canterlot…

“I say ‘hi’! I don’t ignore her!”

Lyra…

…sit like she does because she thinks she’s too good to sit like the rest…

“It’s got nothing to do with that!”

Now you know…

Lyra…

“But I—You—this—GAH! This is crazy! I’m not a snob or an elitist!”

Who said you were…?

“You implied it?”

Yes…

…but you said it…

…Lyra the Elitist snobby mooch…

Lyra couldn’t bring herself to say another word as she took hold of her own chair after getting off of it and throwing it as far as she could with her magic around it before she herself left in aggravation.

…Was that too far?

Not at all…

Spitfire

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

Normally the pegasus would wear her usual Wonderbolts attire, but letting her full body show for sometime seemed fitting for this more casual happening…

Spitfire…

…is a closet Trixie fan…

“Meh, she’s alright. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I’m a fan, but I’d be lying if I said I’ve never been to a show.”

Spitfire…

…is too cool for school…

“Completely. I’m hot stuff, and that’s not just a pun on the name.”

Spitfire…

…admitted to have never gone to school…

“Uhh, no. No I didn’t say that… at all.”

Spitfire…

…had an affair with Fancypants…

“Woah! Where’s that one coming from? I’ve never met the guy. And I’m not a cheap floozy that just—no!”

Spitfire…

…doesn’t give Soarin’ any…

“We-We’re not like that! He’s just my partner.”

Yeah…

…partner…

“I mean-NO- I don’t mean like that!”

Oh…

…one of many partners…

“Hey! No! I’m not—It’s not like—It’s…” her face burning a deep red and chest puffing in anxiety, Spitfire searched around her for a second before bursting out to the side of the dark and away from the light in a blur.

I guess now you know…

Spitfire…

…I…

…Guess…

Octavia

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

Though the light was graced around the gray coated mare, her eyes remained their usual dull limp.

Octavia…

…kills crabs in the ocean…

“…Is that what we’re starting on? Not only a lie but a poorly thought one?”

Octavia…

…fell toward the sky waiting for her ride…

“That doesn’t even make any sense…”

Octavia—

“I’m sorry, may I interject?”

Uh…

“Am I to take this seriously?”

Well…

“Do you get some sort of kick out of just pestering anyone that comes to you? I am Canterlot aristocracy and even I know that’s perhaps one of the most pitiful excuses for a life style I’ve ever heard of. You sincerely have my sympathies.”

Pitiful excuse…?

…Here I was thinking that was Vinyl Scratch…

“She’s pitifully out of class as well.”

Yes…

…But she’s your best friend…

“You can’t really choose who you are bound to befriend.”

So…

…you admit that she is not only pitiful…

…but that she’s your best friend…?

“That would be a fair assumption, yes.”

…Then you are far more pathetic…

“Excuse me?”

Octavia…

…stays friends with a slob of a DJ to make herself feel good about how far her life has fallen…

“Pardon me? I have not fallen from anywhere. And Vinyl is not a slob.”

Octavia…

…is in denial of how low she’s become…

“I am not low. I play at grand celebrations, gatherings, shows, concerts.”

Octavia…

…ignores the fact that Vinyl was invited to a Royal Wedding and she wasn’t…

“That was a much more intimate gathering. I was not familiar with much of anyone there.”

Octavia…

…admits that even in a crowd that big, no one knew who she was…

“That is not a fair assumption.”

Octavia…

…Was even snubbed by her dear friend Vinyl…

…How sad…

“It was last minute. She hadn’t the time to tell me of the celebration. If she had time, I’m sure she would have informed me.”

…This is just too sad now…

Now you know…

Octavia…

…But I bet you hadn’t…

“How dare you!” Octavia snapped with a furl of the back of her hair in rage. “I will not allow such slandering against my good name.”

What good name…?

You’re…

Nobody…

…lower then the dumps Vinyl has to play at to pay your rent…

Octavia became stunned, her mouth slightly agape.

…You can go now…

…We have important people to interview later…

The light didn’t wait a moment to turn off on Octavia, leaving her in the abyss of darkness with only the weak sniffles of her being a sign she was there.

…Sorry…

Diamond Tiara

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

Small as she was, the little filly in the center of the single light held an air of pride about her as her tiara twinkled with the light.

Diamond Tiara…

…doesn’t have a cutie mark…

“Uh, hello? Are you stupid? What do you call this thing on my flank?”

Diamond Tiara…

…knows a good tattoo artist in Fillydelphia…

“A tattoo artist? What kind of loser would go to those extremes for a fake cutie mark?”

What kind of loser indeed…

“Hey! I’ll tell me daddy on you! He’ll wreck you!”

Diamond Tiara…

…loves her daddy…

“Duh. Daddy’s amazing. He basically runs that one pony town.”

Diamond Tiara…

…loves her daddy like a mommy would…

“Wha—NO! EWW! That’s sick!”

Diamond Tiara…

…doesn’t go to the police because—

Now you know…

Diamond Tiara…

"...What?"

…What…?

The show is over…

No it’s not…

We can still—

A little filly needs to get to bed this late…

Even though Diamond Tiara had a few tears welling in her eyes, she nodded and trotted away from the light. “…Thank you…”

…What was that…?

She’s a filly…

…save that kind of stuff for adults…

Voices...

Know your mare, know your mare—

Stop for a second…

What…?

Why…?

…We must talk about your actions…

My actions…?

Yes…

…You seem put out as of late…

Oh…

But don’t worry…

…I know what the problem is…

That’s good…

…I was hoping you wouldn’t be too mad…

Why would I be mad…?

It’s not your fault you lack the tenacity to do some things…

Uh…

That is why I found another to help us…

…Who…?

Me! I’m helping!

What did I say…?

You need to echo your voice…

…and no yelling…

Oh…

Yeah…

For’ot…

…I’ll be mo’ ‘areful—

Speak properly…

…you’ll blow your cover…

Oh…!

…Yeah…

…I’ll be more careful Mi—

Now you’re blowing my cover…

Sorry…

No harm done…

…I suppose…

“Ummm… excuse me?” a familiar tie wearing stallion called up into the darkness again.

Oh…

Sorry Doctor…

…We’ll call you back when we sort this through…

“Alright then. No harm, no foul,” the doctor shrugged it off and departed the light once more.

Together…

…the three of us will be able to handle all sizes of enemies…

…HAH-HAH-HAH-HAAAAAAAA!

…Does anyone remember what this show was originally about…?

Silver Spoon

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

The grey filly seemed to not care much for the echoing voices as her eyes were dull behind her glasses.

Silver Spoon…

…flunks as a flunky…

“Flunky? I’m not a flunky. Diamond and I are totally even with each other.”

Silver Spoon…

…got her cutie mark by sticking a spoon down her throat…

“Gross! Like, why would I even try that?”

Silver Spoon…

…ran away with Serving Dish…

“That sounds like a servant. I could do better then some butler.”

Silver Spoon…

…was just dumped by Diamond Tiara...

“I wasn’t dumped. We’re just doing different after school stuff now… that’s all.”

Silver Spoon…

…wishes she had Fleur’s style…

“Mom says she’s a starlet. I have no idea what that means, but I do kinda want to be a starlet.”

Silver Spoon…

…will be a harlot before being a starlet…

“Uh, thanks?”

Silver Spoon…

…needs a dictionary…

“Only nerds like Sweetie Belle need those things. I’m not a nerd.”

Your glasses could’ve fooled me…

“Daddy said they looked good on me!”

Yeah…

…we’ll get to him later…

“You better not—“

And now you know…

Silver Spoon…

“Wait a second… I know that voice now…”

…No you don’t…

“Yeah, it’s that—“ before another word was said, the floor beneath Silver Spoon slid open and dropped her into the darkness.

…How long did we have that…?

…I put it in when I got here…

…No planks around here so a trap door was the next best step…

…Makes sense to me…

Bon Bon

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

Her mane in its usual double-colored curl, the mare sat quietly as her introduction began.

Bon Bon…

…is the fiend of a Thousand-Faces…

“I’m the what?”

Bon Bon…

…will have you cower before her true voice…

“I’m not really following what you’re saying.”

Bon Bon…

…pudding…

“Why did you just say that?”

Bon Bon…

…didn’t laugh at that…

…thus making her a liar…

“A liar--- Oh! That? Yeah, that only works with jokes.”

Pudding is funny…

“Yeah with a punch line or a lead up line.”

Bon Bon…

…is a critic…

“No. I’m just telling you that you can’t make a joke out of one word.”

…Alfalfa monster…

HAH-HAH-HAH!

Alfalfa Monster!

Stop laughing…!

…We’re supposed to make her laugh…!

…and turn your echo on…

Oh…!

Sorry Mi—

Stop talking!

See…?

Now you’re the one blowing your own disguise…

Silence yourself you…

…missh—

What was that you were saying about cover…?

Yeah…

…don’t blow your cover…

“Uh… Can I go?”

Huh…?

Oh…

Yeah…

We got off track…

So…

Now you know…

Bon Bon…

“Not that much though.”

It’s alright Sweetie…

No one cared anyway…

In a huff, Bon Bon departed out of the darkness with her head held high.

EXTRA: Stand up...

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

Despite the echoing voice overhead, no soul -pony or otherwise- was there.

...Where's the guest...?

...I thought you were getting her...?

No... that's blank's job...

Hey!

Don't act like a mule...

Act like a mule...?

What are you...?

A filly...?

Hey-hey...

Stop fighting you two...

...When I have to be the voice of reason here, something is wrong...

Oh shut up you glorified hodgepodge...!

Stop making fun!

Oh...

So you're standing up for--

Being different isn't bad.

I mean...

Look at you Mi--

I'm not different!

I'm normal!

I...

Am...

Perfect!

Yeah...

Then why is it you're the only one of us that doesn't need a voice distorter...?

Well that's--

Ohhhh. You 'ust got royally burnt.

What did I say about talking like that!?

The same thing you said about talking without an echo...

Just then, a mare stepped out into the light and looked around confused despite the heavy shades over her eyes. "Am I late or something?"

Vinyl, go home...

The big kids are talking right now...

"Sweet. I'm out," Vinyl made not a single objection as she bolted out to leave the three voices to argue.

Vinyl Scratch

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare…

“Cool, I’m well rested, on time, and ready for some fun,” the mare with a neon blue mane cheered.

Vinyl Scratch…

…is tone deaf…

“Just in my right ear I’m a little deaf. But s’cool, all I need is one ear to rock the house, right?”

Vinyl Scratch…

…has two black holes under her glasses…

“What? No-no-no, that’s crazy. Here, let me take em’ off and show you.”

Everyone get down…!

“Alright, alright. I’ll keep em’ on…”

Vinyl Scratch…

…is a merciful soul…

“I don’t have black holes under my glasses, so I’m not merciful… really. That would be awesome though, won’t lie.”

Vinyl Scratch…

…is more than meets the eye…

“…I don’t know how to respond to that. Is that a joke on my eyes or something else?”

Vinyl Scratch…

…steals homeless beans from Trixie…

“It wasn’t stealing if she left them cooked and in the open.”

Vinyl Scratch…

…is unknowingly helping us…

“Maybe I’m knowingly helping you and you don’t even know it.”

Woah…

…She’s messing with my mind now…

Vinyl Scratch…

…is a two-bit hack performer…

“I shoot for three to four bits… but yeah, two bits sounds about average.”

Vinyl Scratch…

…ruined Octavia’s career…

“Um, yeah, I guess I did…”

…And doesn’t feel bad about it…

“Well I wouldn’t go that far…”

…And just keeps using her…

“Again, wouldn’t go that far… and could you stop dragging Tavi into this?”

Vinyl Scratch…

…doesn’t like it when her lover is insulted…

“It’s not about her being insulted, it’s about you doing it without her having a chance to defend herself… This isn’t Las Pegasus where it’s a free for all.”

Vinyl Scratch…

…just admitted to Octavia being her lover and hinted to them have ran away to Las Pegasus to have a drive through wedding…

“I’ll give you the first one, but the second is crazy. Octavia would never go for something that loose.”

Now you know…

Vinyl Scratch…

“A little bit maybe. A little bit…” Vinyl Scratch mumbled before back-stepping out of the light.

Pipsqueak

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

Minuscule as the colt was, he held himself in a brave stature and a charming smile.

Pipsqueak the Pirate...

"I'm not act'ly a pirate, just like dressin' up 'ike one."

Pipsqueak...

"You can call me Pip for short if you want."

Pip...

"There ya' are."

Can we start this...?

"Sorry, sorry. Go righ' a'ead"

Pip...

...fakes an accent...

"This here's my normal speech. Not one b't fake. Pirate's honor."

Pip...

...still thinks he's a pirate...

"No' a' all. I just like sayin' Pirate this an' Pirate that."

Pip...

...don't give it up...

"Give wha' up?"

Pip...

...he's going to be King someday...

"King? King o' what? I'm a bit short ta' be king o' anythin' don' ya' think?"

Pip...

...is one handsome colt...

"Than's, me mum tells me tha' everyday."

...for a street rat...

"That's mean... I'm not a street rat... or riffraff."

Pip...

...has relations with Princess Luna...

"Now you stop there. Don't be dragin' a nice Princess like Woona through the dirt. I wan' a apology."

Now you know...

Pipsqueak the Pirate...

"I want that apology, now."

I'd like to see you try...

"You'll see. Woona will have you... what's that word she kep' usin'...?" Pipsqueak left the light with the muttering of that lost word on his lips.

Big Macintosh

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

Strong as the red coated stallion was, he seemed almost humble beneath the single spot light in the darkness.

Big Macintosh...

...Never finished school...

"Eeeeyup..."

Big Macintosh...

...Is over compensating for something with his name...

"Eeeeyup..."

Big Macintosh...

...Is a lord of the tap-dance...

"...Eeyup..."

Big Macintosh...

...Is in cahoots with Applejack to steal the Apple Family's money...

"...Eeeyup..."

Celestia...!

This colt's a wall...!

Yes...

...He's too even tempered for us to unbalance...

...Miss...

...Take it from here...

With pleasure...

Big Mac...

...is sexist...

"Eee-nope..."

Big Mac...

...Is perfectly willing to let a girl buck all the trees without help...

"No filly can do that alone..."

He budged...

...Push him over Scarface...

Big Mac...

...admits to thinking a filly can't buck trees without help...

"Not all of 'em."

Now you know...

Big Mac the Sexist...

"Ask my sisters, I'm always fair."

Don't worry...

I will...

With narrowed eyes Big Mac departed from the light like so many before.

EXTRA: Discord

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

Silence was all that replied. Only this time it wasn't from a lack of a guest, but instead a lack of life or animation emanating from the stoned joker.

Discord...

...He's one hard nut to crack...

"..."

Discord...

...is a few quartz short of a diamond...

"..."

Discord...

...isn't a bad guy...

"..."

...I mean...

...at least he's headstrong...

HAH-HAH-HAH...

"..."

Discord...

...has a rock hard body...

"..."

Discord...

...understands the statue of limitations...

"..."

Discord...

...is boulder than any pony I know...

"..."

Now you know...

Discord...

If only the rest of our guests could be so compliant...

...So how do we get him back...?

I'll handle it...

Soarin'

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

Much like his partner before, his body was exposed to the light without the cover of his uniform.

Soarin'...

...Is too cool for the letter 'g'...

"No way, I love 'g'. G's in some of my favorite words. Like grape, dodge, hanging-out..."

Soarin'...

...is the oldest member of the Wonderbolts...

"Yeah. Totally am. I'm -like- five years older than Spitfire."

Soarin'...

...doesn't get any from Spitfire...

"Only if we lose. Which -heh- we never do."

Should we really we talking about this in front of---

Soarin'...

...is fine with Spitfire having multiple partners...

"Long as it makes the boss happy, yeah."

Really...

...I think we should change the subject...

Soarin'...

...is considering letting Rainbow Dash into the Wonderbolts...

"I've run it by Spitfire once or twice. She said it sounds like a cool idea, but she wants more proof that Dash's got the stuff."

...but only if she can 'perform'...

...Stop...

"Yeah, if you're a Wonderbolt you gotta be able to perform."

...and if she can 'put on a good show'...

...Stop...

"Y-Yeah... isn't that the same thing as perform, bra?"

...and if she can 'blow the--

ENOUGH!

Soarin'...!

Go home...

Now...

"Cool, bro. Catch you later," Soarin' gave a simple shrug before trotting out into the dark.

...What was that...?

You can't do questions like that when this kid's around...

Since when do you take other's feelings into consideration...?

I don't hurt anyone...

... especially kids...

...I'm a lot of things...

...And I DO mean A LOT of things...

...But I know where the fun ends...

She just loves to pick on people too much...

Fine...

No matter...

Next time we're bringing old people back in so we can get your revenge...

My revenge...?

...Or yours...?

It doesn't matter...

As you wish...

Your Hi--

Both of you silence yourselves!

"I can't find the exit!" a voice echoed through the darkness. "Oh wait..." a click could be heard soon after, "I found it... Oh cool! There's a pie stand!"

ROUND 2: Twilight Sparkle

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

Unlike before, the mare in the center looked far less accepting of her current hearing of the now three echoing voices.

Twilight Sparkle...

...is happy to be back...

"Well right there is the biggest lie I've ever heard."

You wound me Twilight Sparkle...

"If only I could."

Twilight Sparkle...

...is a very aggressive pony...

"My aggression here has no bearings on my attitude outside."

Twilight Sparkle...

...strong arms people to agree with her...

"No I don't! That's a complete and absolute lie."

You see...?

"I'm not strong arming you to agree!"

If I agree...

Will you stop yelling at me...?

"Well, yes, but I'm not trying to force you to--"

Twilight Sparkle...

...is a wedge between Shining Armor and his wife's marriage...

"No I'm not! If anything I'm a figurative staple!"

Play the recording...

"Recording?"

Shining Armor…

…used his sister to get closer to Cadance…

“Alright, I sort of did, I’ll give you that one. But you have to use what you have to get your hoof into the front door, right?”

"You see, a staple... Granted I didn't think I was that big of a staple... B-But still."

Uh-huh...

...next one...

Cadance or Twilight…

…who do you love more?

“Well I—That is to say… uh…”

...Wedge...

"It's a matter of different categories of love... y-you know. Right?"

Twilight Sparkle...

...Is having resurfacing feelings for Shining Armor...

"Resurfacing?! Eww, no! He's my brother."

He was your only friend for so long...

...Are you saying you've never once thought of him in a romantic way...?

"Of course not!"

Really...?

"Yes!"

Do you swear to Luna and Celestia...?

"Well--"

Ah-hah!

"Wait, no!"

Too late...

Twilight Sparkle...

...admits to have done the nasty as a filly thinking of her brother...

"No-no-no-no-no-no! Please, it's not like that!"

Twilight Sparkle...

...recently evicted Trixie off her lawn...

"What? Evicted? I didn't evict her from anywhere."

Twilight Sparkle...

...confirms that Trixie is living on her lawn...

"Where did this come from?! What crazy idea did that come from?"

Twilight Sparkle...

...thinks Trixie is mentally unstable but still allows her to live on her lawn...

"I didn't say that. I said the claim was crazy, not the act. Although the act of living on someone's lawn is crazy. But I'm sure Trixie doesn't do it."

Twilight Sparkle...

...Is a pretty cool mare...

"Well, thank you? This all together is fairly bad, but a little---"

...for a nerdlinger...

"Gah! Why did I walk into that?"

Why did you walk in on Cadance and Shining Armor is a better question...?

"Huh?!"

Twilight Sparkle...

...has pictures of it...

"No I don't! I swear! I didn't take pictures! Wait... No wait---!"

Twilight Sparkle...

...admitted to have walked in on Cadance and Shining Armor...

"Oh, Celestia, please stop..."

Now you know...

Twilight Sparkle...

...The Nerdlinger peeping-tom slum lord...

Twilight couldn't bring herself to say anything. Only to sigh, plop down on the ground and remain in the single light.

...What a sad sight...

...Too sad...

As if to add insult to her grave injuries, the floor below her swung open and dropped her with a sharp squeal into the abyss.

...Perfection...

ROUND 2: Octavia and Vinyl Scratch

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

There the two were, looking each other down. One with an ivory collar and the other with thick dark sunglasses. While one was over joyed to have a friend here, the other looked far less enthusiastic.

Vinyl and Octavia...

...Are wondering why they're both here...

"That thought comes to mind, yes."

"Not even for a second..."

Vinyl Scratch...

...has already figured out our plan...

"It's not that hard to figure out."

Vinyl and Octavia...

...Are tired of beating around the bush...

"Beating around what bush?"

"..."

Well...

...at least Vinyl is...

"Vinyl? What are they going on about?"

"Doesn't matter, they'll tell you anyway."

Smart...

...roll the tape...

Vinyl Scratch…

…doesn’t like it when her lover is insulted…

“It’s not about her being insulted, it’s about you doing it without her having a chance to defend herself… This isn’t Las Pegasus where it’s a free for all.”

Vinyl Scratch…

…just admitted to Octavia being her lover…

“I’ll give you that one."

Wooo...

...trouble in paradise...?

"W-Well, I'm sure it was merely a slip of the tongue. Vinyl was most likely frazzled is all."

"..."

Octavia...

...is a lot more ashamed than Vinyl has hoped...

"I knew she would react that way, so it doesn't come as a surprise for me."

"Vinyl, don't feed into these things' perverse desires to watch us squirm."

Octavia...

...Is asking Vinyl to lie about her feelings...

...That's really got to hurt...

"I'm asking no such thing. Feelings must always be shared, but there's a time and place for it."

"Yeah... too bad that time and place never comes for us..."

"Vinyl!"

Octavia and Vinyl...

...two of--

Do you 'ike each otha'...?

"Huh?"

"What?"

Do t'e two of ya' 'ike each otha'...?

"Well..."

"Ya' know..."

Listen...

...I see the two of ya' 'alkin' down the streets day af'a day...

...And ya' wanna know som'in'...?

...I've ne'er seen any pony so 'appy...

"But Vinyl is always so--"

But you always tell 'er how she annoys you...

...you tell 'er you always notice 'er when she does it...

...So she 'eeps doin' it...

"...Is that true...?"

"Psh, well, heh..."

If ya' ask me...

...you two should leave...

...go 'ome...

...and talk...

...as a couple...

Silence fell on the light as the two only looked at one another, exchanging warm yet awkward smiles before disappearing into the darkness side by side.

...What the buck was that!?

Us 'etting to know...

Octavia Scratch...

But we were supposed to destroy--

Naa...

...I think it looks better that way...

But-but...

Do you think we'll be invited to the--

GAH!

ROUND 2: Fluttershy

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

Worry didn't even begin to describe the frigid terror that was across the meek ponies body as the voice she remembered was followed by two new ones.

Fluttershy...

"Eep..."

...Let's be straight here...

"Wh-what?"

...I'm sorry for how harsh I was to you...

"Y-you are?"

Yes...

"Y-y-you're not trying to trick me... a-are you?"

I swear to Celestia...

"O-Oh... that's--"

So...

...I'll let my new friend do this for me while me and No-Beard here go get some pie...

I'm getting a blue berry one...

"....W-Who's your friend?"

Me...

"I-I'm not afraid..."

No...

Not yet...

Suddenly, the light flickered out and was replaced by a thick red spot light fixed on Fluttershy's position.

Fluttershy...

...Is oblivious to the truth...

"W-What truth?"

Glad you asked...

Rainbow Dash…

…Is embarrassed of her relationship with Fluttershy…

“Of course."

"She was probably under pressure... I know the feeling..."

Hmmm...

...Yes...

Fluttershy...

...Is afraid of the dark...

"A little... B-but--"

So you wouldn't mind if I turned out the light...?

"I--"

So are you lying...?

"No. I just--"

Ah...

So...

Fluttershy...

...Is the biggest liar in Equestria...

"No! Fine, turn out the light. I'll show you I'm not afraid."

...Gladly...

Just like that, the single red light narrowed away onto Fluttershy before finally disappearing altogether, leaving the mare alone in the dark with an echoing voice.

Fluttershy...

...puts on a brave face...

"I-I-I am brave."

Flu-Flu-Flu-Fluttershy...

...can't sh-sh-show her brave face through all her tears...

"I'm not crying, and stop making fun of me..."

Or what...?

You'll cry...?

"I'm not afraid... I'm not afraid... Rainbow Dash said you can't hurt me..."

Fluttershy...

...needs to cry to Rainbow Dash when things get to hard for her...

"Everypony needs somepony sometimes... I bet you need help yourself."

I'm here alone...

...And I'm already destroying you...

"Alone? But you told those two to leave."

Yes...

... Because I don't need help...

"Because you don't need it, or because you can't bring yourself to ask for it?"

It doesn't matter...

Fluttershy--

"It does matter. If you're alone, you can ask for help."

Silence yourself...

...This is the hour of the voice's revenge...

"Then shouldn't he be here?"

I see no difference...

...If you go out of here a broken mare, it won't make a difference who did it...

"But if it's his problem, why are you solving it?"

...Fluttershy--

"I don't want to be rude and interrupt, but it sorta sounds like you have your own problem here."

Fluttershy--

"If you have a problem, you should go at it head on."

SILENCE!

The room was once again lit up, only this time it wasn't from the lights or anything over head. Fluttershy's appearance flickered against the circle of sickly green fire around her.

I don't have a problem!

I...

Am...

Done.

You're done...

This isn't the show I agreed on you being a part of...

Now let this poor mare go...

...Fine...

The flickering fires died and the regular spot light remained.

Now go little one...

"Thank you very much..." Fluttershy gave a little bow before darting off.

From now on...

The little one is in charge of you...

...Very well...

...This stinks...

No disagreement here...

I mean...

What sort of pony eats an entire supply of pies...

I blame the economy...

What's an economy...?

Something run by a grim dictator...

Now eat your Riceicle...

ROUND 2: Rarity

Know your mare, know your--

"Hold on a second, please," the mare in the center light called for attention, a less then joyful expression across her white face.

Yes...?

"Recently, I've had to talk a very delicate matter out with my sister and her two friends..."

Did you now...?

"I don't feel as if I need to explain it, I'm sure you are quite aware of what it is."

Do I...?

"Yes. I just thought you might want to know the awkward state my sister and I are currently in with each other."

An awkward state after that talk...?

Oh my...

"Pardon? Wait... NO--!"

Rarity...

...secretly wanted to have that talk with Sweetie Belle...

"I in no way said that. You are just twisting my words like a knife in the back of a friend."

Rarity...

...admits to being a back-stabber...

"I swear, that wasn't what I meant."

Rarity...

...is setting us up so well we may not even need to use the recordings...

"What record--"

Glad you asked...

"B-But I didn't--"

Scootaloo…

…dyes her coat and mane…

“This is natural. If anyone dyes their mane or coat it’s Sweetie Belle’s family.”

"Why that little..."

Do you dye your mane...?

"Of course not! My mane is completely nat--"

Drop it...

Dropping it...

With a little click, a flow of a liquid fell down Rarity and drenched her entire body, leaving her to quiver in a chill.

Hmmm...

Nope...

It's natural...

"Y-You dumped dye remover on me?!"

Just making sure...

...you look very pretty when you're wet though...

"Oh, why thank you."

Alright...

Enough of that...

...dry her off...

Another click echoed through the void to activate a jet powered fan to blow Rarity's entire body till she was completely dry.

There...

..no harm done...

Rarity...

...abuses Spike...

"Abuse Spikey-wikey? Never!"

Spike…

…cuts Rarity’s hoof nails…

“Only when she asks. I love helping her out.”

"That's not abuse. And he's a dear for doing it."

Wow...

You really are generous...

"I am told I embody it. That's why I have the element."

It's no wonder why Spike does what he does...

"Does--"

Spike…

…raids Rarity’s garbage…

“Who told?"

Creepy...

"A-Actually I find that somewhat endearing... in a way."

Rarity...

...raids Spike's garbage...

"Ewww, disgusting. I would never do anything so vile-- NO!"

Rarity...

...thinks Spike is disgusting and vile...

"I would never think for a moment that Spike is anything less than kind, cute, and charming!"

Ohhhhh...

Rarity...

...is in LOVE with Spike...

"Wha--! I never! Implying another pony's personal feelings? How low."

Say what you will...

...really...

...we'll have it on recording...

"...E-Excuse me?"

Oh yeah...

...I record everything that happens in here...

...So whatever you say about Spike or anypony will be on recording...

...So tell us how you really feel about him...

"Uh..."

Well...?

"I can't really--"

Amazing...

...you feel nothing for him...

...No hate...

...no love...

...he's nothing to you...

"I didn't say that!"

You didn't have to...

Your silence says it all...

"I-I care for Spike greatly..."

But not enough to accept his feelings...

...how...

...Heartless...

Rarity couldn't bring herself to say anything, her mind starting to cloud with the doubt she was feeling. And just like Twilight before, she fell down to her behind and just looked at the floor defeated.

Now you know...

Rarity...

...what a heartless sight...

Blank...

Will you do the honors...?

There's no honors in this...

Even so, the trap door swung open under Rarity to accept her into the depths bellow.

ROUND 2: Luna

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

...Blank?

...No...

You have to...

You can't make me...

In the center of the light, the princess of the night stood proudly if not a little confused at the sudden argument. "Is something amiss?"

No...

...just a little trouble...

...We'll go on without him...

Luna...

...is a kind and gentle princess...

"My thanks to thee."

Blank...

...if you're not going to help...

Sorry sorry...

I'll quiet down...

Good...

Luna...

...doesn't get enough slack...

"I must agree. But it is comforting to know an individual agrees."

Blank...!

What...?

Oh...!

Sorry...

Just stay quiet...

Luna...

...has no sense of humor...

"I have a wonderful understanding of the jostling tone."

Sure you do...

Alfalfa monster...

Luna burst into a fit of laughter as she in vain tried to cover her mouth to end the laughter.

Hah-hah-hah!

BLANK!

Sorry--

No!

I've had enough of this!

Let the kid go...

...it's not his fault...

Oh you just want this to stop for the chaos value you're getting off on...

Well...

No matter...

Luna...

...has a crush on Pipsqueak...

"Tis a lie!"

It's a lie!

Really...?

Then how do you feel about him...?

She doesn't have to answer that...

"I needn't answer that."

I wonder how you'll react to the recording we have of him talking about you...?

"Records on audio?"

Yes...

Play--

Before the audio could be played, the floor beneath Luna swung open and swallowed her into the abyss like many before her.

Sorry Luna!

You are spineless runt...

...Well he is just a colt...

ROUND 2: Pinkie Pie

Silence. That's all there was to greet the springy spry mare standing in the light. "Hellooooooo? Anyone there?"

Hello Pinkie Pie...

"Hey disembodied-voice-that-seems-familiar-but-I-can't-put-my-hoof-on guy!"

Nice to see you...

"Nice to hear you. So, uh, you gonna do the opening thing?"

Not today...

...I thought we'd do something a little different if that's fine...

"Ooooooh, that sounds fun. But wait... didn't you have some new friends helping you now? That's what Soarin' said when he was buying my pies."

Oh yes...

...but I thought it would be nice for old friends to catch up...

"I like catching up."

Good...

Now...

I thought it would be a little more fun if we skipped the show entirely...

"Skip the show? Are you loco in the coco?"

Some say that...

...but why not...?

Think of how fun it'll be...

You'll be the first and maybe last pony to ever have this done here...

Come on...

Think of the viewers...

"Well I do like makin' the viewers smile."

Me too...

So let's start...

"Righty-o!"

You see...

...I was washing around in--

Well...

It doesn't matter where I was...

What matters is is that I found a book all about you...

"A book about me? I bet it's exciting!"

Oh yes...

It's a thrilling experience to read...

It's a little fan-story called "Cupcakes"...

...Wanna see...?

"Sure!" Pinkie chirped. Just then, a dark covered book plopped before her, opened to the first few pages. Pinkie's eyes scanned across the pages, her lips curled in an excited grin. However, slowly her eyes furrowed under her brow and her grin became more unsure.

Something wrong Pinkie...?

It's a thrilling read...

...Isn't it...?

"Huh? Oh... yeah. Really well written..."

Keep going...

...you're getting to my favorite part...

Pinkie had the look as if she didn't want to, but she was compelled to return to the book. Gradually, the pages began to flip faster and faster, allowing the Earth pony to keep going. But with each passing word, Pinkie grew more ill.

You don't look so good...

Should I call your friends...?

"No-no-no-no! It's fine, it's fine."

Oh parish the thought...

...I'll go right ahead and call your best friends...

Starting with -Rocky- was it...?

"Huh?"

Or maybe Mr. Turnip...

...you can always rely on him...

"That? Oh, I was just a little out of it that day."

As apposed to any other day...?

"I am a little loopy day after day--"

Loopy doesn't describe insanity, Pinkie...

"Do you mind if I leave? This isn't really--"

--that funny...?

I'm sure getting a laugh...

"Yeah. You're getting a laugh. But that doesn't mean it's funny... funny is for everyone."

Because being funny brings a smile...?

"Yup. And making all my friends smile--"

--Is your favorite thing...

Right...?

"Yeah."

Because it makes you happy...

"Bingo."

So you only make people happy...

...because it makes you happy...

"Uh-no? It's just that when I make people happy, it makes me happy."

So you keep doing it...

"I--"

Back on your Rock Farm...

...did you make your mom and dad happy...?

"When I worked it made them happy."

And did that make you happy...?

"A little..."

So now you only make people happy because of your desire to feel good...?

"Hey--"

You said it...

...and if you didn't smile...

...your life would be pointless...

"I never--"

There's one thing that makes me happy, and makes my whole life worthwhile...

...and that's when I talk to my friends and get them to smile...

Sounds rather selfish to me...

...but that's what we are Pinkie...

...Greedy...

Our joy is to get emotions out of people...

...We're selfish...

"Sel...fish...?"

I think you're starting to know yourself...

Pinkie Pie...

Pinkie only shook her head and walked out of the light, her head hanging low and life from her hair slowly deflating.

...There was no fun in that...

...That almost felt...

...Tasteless...

...Bah!

To Tartarus with this boring psycho mumbo-jumbo!

Hey...

...what'd I miss?

You and me are going rouge.

Going rogue?

Going rogue.

Does that mean...?

Yes...

...aye-aye Cap'n Chaos.

Off to have some fun my confused Trottingham amigo!

Should we tell--

No...

Let's let those two figure it out on their own...

So it's a secret?

But fun...

ROUND 2: Princess Celestia

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

Despite all desires not to be here, the princess presented herself with all her regal nature.

Princess Celestia...

...Is looking fine...

"Oh, uh, thank you."

Fine...

...as in fine...

...fine like the sun she raises...

"Oh my, that's very charming to say."

Rawr...

"Heh-heh..."

Uh...

Princess Celestia...

...should try out for Play Colt magazine...

"Please, stop it. You're too kin-- Really? You think so?"

Oh for sure...

...look at that form...

That's classy form...

"You're flattering me."

Eh...

Princess Celestia...

...looks as young as Cadance...

"Hah, if only."

You're right...

...she looks younger than Cadance...

"Hm, hm. Please, I'm blushing. Really."

Alright...

Princess Celestia...

...is too sexy for her crown...

...too sexy for her crown...

...so sexy...

...it hurts...

Celestia had begun to laugh with embarrassment and flattery while blushing nonstop.

Princess Celestia...

...is bringing sexy back...

And those other ponies don't know how to act...

What are you two doing...?

We're getting a reaction out of her...

We're supposed to make her feel bad...

You're right...

We can't end this episode without somepony feeling bad...

And I know just what to do...

Perfect...

Princess Celestia...

...caused her city to be attacked by Queen Chrysalis out of jealousy for her beauty...

WHAT!?

"Really? In a way that makes sense... In that case I feel a grave bit more to blame..."

You should...

Yes...

From now on...

...you need to be more attentive...

"Oh I will. Thank you very much you two," Celestia bowed with a little wink before departing into the darkness.

...I hate you two so much...

Awww...

But we love you...

And we know how much you LOVE love...

...Silence...

ROUND 2: Spike

Know your drake, know your drake, know your drake...

"You changed the name of the show?" Spike spoke up a little surprised.

No...

...We just thought we'd cut you a little break today...

"Huh... is that the only break I'm catching today?"

Pretty much...

"Thanks for that anyway."

Your welcome...

Spike...

...is smarter than the average dragon...

"I guess so. Most dragons are more tough than smart."

Spike...

...is far less intelligent than an average pony...

"Well what's average to you?"

Snips and Snails...

"I'm smarter than both of them put together."

That's not saying much...

Spike...

...is in love with Rarity...

"Heh, what? That's-- What? Pshh... Crazy talk..."

Spike...

...thinks being in love with Rarity is crazy talk...

"I-I mean for me. I wouldn't be surprised if Rarity had like a hundred guys lined up for her."

Spike...

...wants to have dragonies with Rarity...

"Dragonies?"

Dragon ponies...

"No! I don't want that. I mean, imagine how we'd have to do that, heh... huh... eww right? Heh."

Huh...

...interesting...

Spike...

...finds the idea of reproducing with Rarity to be disgusting...

"Ug! I-I didn't mean--"

Spike...

..tell the truth and this will be easier on you...

I promise...

"...Really?"

Pirates honor...

"...Pip? Is that you?"

Blank!

You've blown your cover!

I did?

Huh...

...oh well...

Tsk...

Whatever...

We can't go back now...

Spike...

...finds Rarity to be disgusting...

"No. She's the most beautiful pony in all of Equestria-- No, the universe-- No! The multiverse if that really exists."

Spike...

...stalks Rarity...

"A little. I'm ashamed to admit it, but if I don't admit it, it'll come to bite me, won't it."

He's onto us...

Drop him...

Not just yet...

Spike...

...even when he has kids...

...he won't let his sons be dancers...

"...They can dance if they want to."

Can they leave their friends behind...?

"Yes. Because their friends don't dance and if they don't dance then they're no friends of mine!" Spike proceeded to moon walk out of the light, making letter symbols with his arms and whispering each one out.

...Safety Dance...

...You both are horrible...

She's just not cool like us...

Scolding...

Know your--

Place...

Know your place...

Oh no...

That's right...

Let's have a little talk you three...

Look at the time...

I need to go to bed...

Take a seat little guy...

We have much to discuss...

It's not my fault...

...they're the ones who are ruining the plans...

Oh not at all...

...I've been so far happy with their performance...

Really...?

Yes...

...but it's yours I'm not happy with...

Me?!

I'm doing what you told me to do!

No...

...I got you here because I wanted you to bring a more awkward humor...

...so far all you've done is hurt people and scar them...

...I don't agree with those actions...

So what?

Are you going to fire me?

No...

...that would be too easy...

Instead....

I want you to feel what it's like to be hurt...

Ohhhhh...

You're in trouble...

B-But...

No buts...

I believe there are many ponies and such that would like a crack at you...

...as well as many viewers that would like to as well...

This isn't needed.

We should be focusing on the show...

And we will...

...right after you are given a taste of your own medicine...

...

Help me out here you two...

Can we help with the shots at her...?

Yeah...

...I got some ideas....

Why you two little...

Be my guests...

...the next one on the stand will be her...

...taking the shots from everyone and anyone who wants to give her a taste of her own medicine...

...I hate you all...

Noted...

Queen Chrysalis

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

The spotlight shown brightly on the inky black queen, her slick hair framing her stoic expression.

Italic Voice...

"I believe they've put together who I am by now you dolt..."

...I think she just called you stupid...

Here I was about to feel bad for this...

"Would seem you've learned nothing from me... never feel bad."

Alright...

Let' play...

Queen Chrysalis...

...has a silly voice...

"To the underdeveloped ear, that may seem so. Thank you for reminding me how dim you are."

Queen Chrysalis...

...is not a monarch...

"I'm not... I'm simply so loved among my people that I was dubbed a queen. But I assure you... it's anything but a monarchy."

Queen Chrysalis...

And we use the term Queen very loosely...

As lose as the Queen is herself...

"Excuse me, what was that remark?"

Nothing, nothing...

Queen Chrysalis...

...is a terrible planner and actor...

"A bit, I'll admit. Yet the proof of otherwise is that I had all of Canterlot eating out of the flats of my hooves."

Do you even have hooves...?

"Hmph..."

Queen Chrysalis...

...her body is full of holes...

"For any other species, yes. But for a changeling it's normal."

Queen Chrysalis...

...has an unhealthy obsession with herself...

"Perfection should always be obsessed over. I suppose you could never understand that, creature."

Don't worry Cap'n...

...I've got this one...

Queen Chrysalis...

...really likes the two of us...

"Hah! I have never heard such insane lies in my whole life! The very idea is insane."

Queen Chrysalis...

...thinks our ideas are insane...

"That goes without repeating."

Queen Chrysalis...

...forgets that more than half the ideas are her's...

"I mean your ideas are insane, mine are brilliant."

Really...?

What about the idea of singing your plans in a castle filled with guards...

"They didn't hear me, did they?"

And what about that amazing plan of turning away from your hostages and giving them enough time to beat you...

"An under-sight... I'll admit... but--"

Wait a moment...

Doesn't she feed off of love...?

You're right...

She does...

So that means she was beat by her own food...

"Love is an unstable element, it happens some times."

Queen Chrysalis...

...admits that this isn't the first time she was beaten by love...

"I reserve the right to not respond to that..."

Queen Chrysalis...

...is a coward...

"You dare call me a coward!? What more lies will you spout!?"

Queen Chrysalis...

...is in denial...

"I am never in denial. I accept everything except lies. So I'm afraid I can't accept your lies about me."

That's funny...

...you were fine with this kind of stuff until now...

"That was before--"

Oh...

"You better not..."

Queen Chrysalis...

...can't take what she dishes out...

"I very well can!"

Queen Chrysalis...

...is beautiful...

"Go on... I'm waiting for the punch line."

No...

...I mean that...

...You're beautiful...

...it's just your gross personality no one can stand...

"Why you little punk..."

Oh...

And that wasn't even a lie...

That's the truth...

Queen Chrysalis...

...likes Discord...

"Slander. Lies and slander is all this show is now!"

Only because you made it that way...

"No matter. Carry on with your insults."

No...

"Excuse me?"

We're done...

"Why?"

A few reasons...

One...

...we're not as bad as you...

"Hmph..."

Two...

...you're not really worth our time...

"Mhph..."

But most of all...

...we have the perfect way to end you...

"...No... No you wouldn't..."

We would...

Queen Chrysalis...

...We...

"No... please..."

...love you...

"AH!"

You can say or do whatever you want...

...but that's it Queeny...

We will always love you...

"Silence yourselves!"

Awww...

...look at her...

...she's panicking...

You know what that means...

"What?" suddenly, the spotlight shut off for a brief moment before the entire room was lit up, making the queen's eyes shrink with fear. "No... No..."

"Yes..." Before Chrysalis could react, she felt two unmatched arms loop around her and pull her into a hug while her front legs were brought into a smaller one.

Both Pipsqueak and Discord gave a heart filled laugh as they embraced the Changeling queen. "We love you so much Queeny."

"NOOOOOOOOO! Kill me! Throw me in a dungeon! Please! Make it stop!"

"She's so 'appy, she's cryin'!"

Repay...

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

...Queeny...?

You missed your cue...

Did I...?

Oh how arrogant of me...

Are you still moping...?

It's been forever since we put you on the stage...

It was last episode you nit!

You don't even know what a nit is...

...nit...

Alright...

That's enough fighting...

Can't we just get along and pick on some innocent mares or whatever together..?

Well I could...

I refuse to...

Fine...

What can we do to make it up to you...?

...You won't do it...

We promise anything...

Just as long as you cheer up...

...Very well...

... Monochrome...

No way...

You said anything...

We aren't doing that...

Very well...

I will just sit here and say nothing until I'm fired than...

...Fine...

Cap'n!

It won't hurt that much little buddy...

Yeah for you...

Look at the bright side...

We're all together again...

"Excuse me?" the three speakers' attentions were collectively drawn to the stallion standing in the spotlight. "Are we going to have to reschedule again?"

Sorry Doctor...

...It seems this always happens...

...How's your three thirty looking...?

"Pretty good. I'll be back again."

Can't wait Doctor...

Gee...

...What a nice guy...

ROUND 2: Cadance

Search lights scanned across their usual spot where a mare was to stand, showing that the newly wed princess was standing in her position with a face that showed she was trying not to laugh.

You ready for this...?

The lights fixed in on the princess who only nodded with a cutesy laugh.

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

Cadance...

...is about to have her principles betrayed all over the place...

"And what principles would that be?"

Playing fair...

...being nice...

...keeping things for kids...

"Oh... Well I'll persevere..."

You're brave...

...that's a shame...

...I like bravery...

Cadance...

...is second best in Shining Armor's eyes...

"He does place his sister in the highest love, maybe even more than me. I understand that, and I've gotten used to it. It's pretty cute when you think about it."

Cadance...

...approves incest...

"I didn't say that exactly. But... I guess it falls to how much you do love someone. Love is strange like that. There's no real way to pinpoint how it works or what should be accepted."

Cadance...

...knows Shining Armor only keeps her for the memories of Twilight...

"That could very well be true. He always talks about the times the three of us shared and how nice we were together. But that's normal."

Cadance...

...is a tramp...

"Heh, well..."

Cadance...

...endorses prostitution...

"I-It's a life style... at times... But I wouldn't say I endorse it, heh."

Cadance...

...cheats on Shining Armor regularly...

"That's far from true. I would never hurt my Shining Armor like that."

It doesn't hurt him...

...because in exchange for him letting you get out your desire for multiple partners per day...

...you let him have his way with his sister...

"Excuse me!?"

What a happy family you have...

...skank...

"Please... That's enough."

... harlot...

"Heh, I said that's enough... really."

Cadance...

...is powerless without love...

"...Huh?"

Cadance...

...controls love...

...gives love...

...attacks with love...

...and fixes love...

...without love...

...she's worthless...

"I have other powers."

You're no better than a Changeling...

...you're just a pathetic, worthless, whoring, leech for love...

...you disgust me...

Cadance said nothing. Her wings furled against her body as she turned away and faded away into the darkness.

...I hate myself...

...I feel sick...

It gets better from here boys...

Doctor Whooves

...Really...?

...Where are those two...?

In the center of the single light, the all too many times rejected doctor looked very uncertain. "Is uh... Is everything alright?"

Yes...

...I just don't know where my--

Oh you know what...?

Forget them...

"Are you sure? I could--"

No...

You've waited too long for your turn...

...I happen to also have a list of comments of my own right here...

...So we can do this without my partners...

"Really? Allons-y then."

Yeah...

...wait what...?

"Heh, I mean get going."

Oh...

...Cool...

Doctor Whooves...

...hates Ponyville...

"Can't say I like it... Don't hate it though. Certainly been to worse places, tell you that much."

Doctor Whooves...

...is jealous of Apple Bloom...

"Not exactly... a little. I'm not saying I want to be a little filly; but she does have-- You know, never mind."

Doctor Whooves...

...looks hungry...

"I am a bit peckish now that you mention it."

And I have just the thing for you...

With a click, a square hole opened up in front of the doctor so a basket of yellowish green fruits could pop out in front of him.

...You like pears right...

"...Clever boy, aren't you."

I like to think so...

"You got any more jokes you want to say?"

Naa...

...that was the best one I had...

"Really? Come on, you've gotta have one doozy packed away."

Hmmm...

...Alright...

I think I have one...

"Fire away."

Doctor Whooves...

...has unfortunately fallen into a trap...

"Really? How so?"

I had Princess Luna repo your phone booth thingy...

"My TARDIS!?"

Yeah...

...I was kinda stalling...

"Clever," Doctor Whooves admitted before bolting at his greatest speed out of the light and towards the nearest door.

...Now you know...

Doctor Whooves...

...Seriously where are those two?

"I don't understand the greatness of this..."

"It's simple."

"Too simple... It's nothing astounding."

"That's what makes it amazing!"

"As you say Discord. I just don't see what's so good about these Riceicles..."

The Devil...

Know your--

Shhh!

It'll hear us...

Oh right...

...Maybe if we're quiet it'll just leave...

...I don't think it's moving...

It's probably plotting our downfall...

That sick beast...

...why doesn't it just finish us...?

That would be too easy for it...

...It wants us to plead and sweat over it...

It's so twisted and heartless...

Has it no mercy?

No...

...that thing's mercy dried up years ago...

...Just look at it...

...scheming...

...It knows we're watching it...

It's just toying with us...

Like this is some game to it...

...And it's winning...

What're we--

Shut up...!

...I think it moved...

Sweet Luna no...

...I'm scared little buddy...

Me too cap'n...

Hold me...

As the two voices echoed with a pitiful whimper, Queen Chrysalis emerged into the lone spotlight with nothing but moot care in her face. For a moment she looked down at the object laying limp in the light before her, a dull doll with coal eyes and a raggedy gray body. With a shimmer of her horn, she lifted the doll up to eye level.

By the makers...!

She's challenging it!

Queeny, don't be a hero!

"...You two are perhaps the most idiotic beings I have ever met," she tossed the doll aside back into the shadowy abyss.

...She's slain the monster...

Smartypants the Tormentor is no more!

Praise the Changeling Queen!

Praise the Changeling Queen!

"Your words are more harmful than hate itself to me... I loath you both."

She loves us too!

This is the best day ever!

Of all time!

Cherry Jubilee

Know your mare, know your mare, know your--

...Blank...?

...

...Blank?

...

BLANK!

Huh, wha?

Keep those eye balls in your head son...

What...?

Oh...

Got it...

The mare on center stage gave her face a light fanning as she help in a light chuckle from the voices' arguing.

Cherry Jubilee...

...is queen of double entendres...

"Can't say I agree with that, but hey; wouldn't be the first time I was turned in the wrong direction."

You see...?

Cherry Jubilee...

...approves hiring based on gender...

"Course I do. It may come off as a little short minded, but sex is very important in the work place."

Do you hear yourself...?

Cherry Jubilee...

...Is a tiger...

"A tiger? Bullpucky. I am a natural pony... But if I where one of them big cats, I'd rather be a cougar."

Fff...

I can't be the only one hearing this...!

Cherry Jubilee...

...enjoys the spotlight...

"Don't get it much in my line of work, but when I do get it it brings back memories of being on center stage for all the stallions and colts to see. But I'm too old fer' it now."

Don't count yourself out...

...You're still plenty good looking...

"Thank ya' very much. After this, maybe I can show you some of my homevidoes from my wild mare days."

Come on...!

Cap'n...

...Calm down...

Alright, alright...

...Sorry Jubilee...

"No harm. I'm used to having bursts around me... usually boys."

I...

I can't take this...

...It's just...

...I'm out...

...

So now you know...

Cherry Jubilee...

"Come by my store sometime and get to know me a little more... Always like a strong stallion to visit my shop; but mares work too," dismissing with her last words, the mare trotted out of the light.

...That was fun...

Yeah...

Don't really see why Discord was so wound about it...

Eh, you know him...

...He has trouble keeping it all tucked it around older mares...

Yeah...

LEISURE: Twilight Sparkle

Within the single spotlight that haunted the minds of many ponies before it, Twilight Sparkle was once more under it. Her face was covered with the sickened expression of her times before a she waited for those mocking voices to return.

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

Twilight Sparkle...

...Finished top of her class in Magic School...

"Well... Yes actually. I finished with a 4.1 grade point average. Not many ponies take note of that. So... Thank... you?"

Twilight Sparkle...

...raises Spike, cares for her library, keeps up with public affairs, and still has time to stay in contact with her teacher...

"It gets grating at times, so I have to skip on a few things--"

Twilight Sparkle...

...Never skips important matters...

...She knows where her priorities...

"Th-Thank you. I do actually try to keep on track as well as keep everything in order."

Twilight Sparkle...

...has all the colts lining down the block...

...Just to watch what she got...

"Heh, well I can't say that they do..."

We can. Because we're disembodied voices...

...Twilightlicious...

"Ah, very clever."

Not as clever as you...

...Clever girl...

For once, Twilight smiled under that lone spotlight as the voices continued.

Now you really know...

...Twilight Sparkle...

"For once, I might have to agree with your assumption," Twilight gave a pleased nod before bowing out, only to stop and gave a look back. "But before I go... Who designed that trap door?"

Me...

"Huh... You've gotta tell me how it works when you get a chance."

I'll send my blueprints...

"Excellent!" the sound of the mare's trots out into the darkness echoed for a little before finally dying out.

Hello boys...

Hey Queeny!

What did I miss...?

Twilight.

Really? We had her on again...?

Special occasion...

Very well... Did you stick it to her as well this time?

Oh we stuck it to her good...

Real good...

So good she won't be walking right for days...

We're talking limp and bowlegged...

Very well done...

...I'm proud of you two...

Yes...

...We are too...

Change of Scenery.

One could've called it the end of an era. The once bleak void of darkness was clearly lit to reveal the beige floors and walls of the studio. Above, the prized spotlight looked very lonely as it hung from its metallic rails. But more so noticeable was the chimera creature standing dead center in the studio, a box hugged tightly under his cat arm. His expression was pained as his eyes scanned the emptiness of the studio. As a sigh passed his muzzle, Pip entered through a flimsy stage exit, he himself holding a duffle bag around his tiny neck. "'Ey! Cap'n!" he called to Discord, scurrying up behind him. "Ya' a'right?"

"Hm?" Discord glanced down at his tiny friend and managed a smile. "Quite alright, yes. Just recalling all of the good times we've had here... Remember all of those ponies you dropped through your trapdoor?"

"'Course I do. The looks on some of the'e fa'es," Pip snickered and moved closer to his odd friend. "...Ya' rea'y?"

"As I'll ever be... It was a good run, wasn't it?"

"I 'ad the time of me young 'ife 'ere... Thanks ta' you Cap'n."

"The thanks all go to you, my little Loki."

The two quickly embraced as Discord scooped the little colt into his arms and pressed him into the nape of his twisted neck. As they embraced more, a familiar queen entered through the same means as Pip before her. "Are you two coming?"

"Yeah... We're just saying goodbye to each other..." Discord said with a teary eyed look.

"...We're just taking separate stagecoaches to get to the new set..." the queen's voice began to strain, as if the frustration of three months was pressing down in her aching brain. "Can we just go?"

Her two co-hosts instantly became elated as the tackled the Queen in a powerful embrace. "Really!? We'll be friends still!?"

"I wasn't aware we were friends now!" Chrysalis hissed as she tried to wiggle her way out from the grasp of the colt and beast.

"Pippy! Pack your things! We're moving to the West Coast!"

"Aye-aye, Cap'n Chaos!" The two darted away and started stashing away more and more things into their bags, leaving Chrysalis to stand in the center of the room with a dead expression of loathing.

"...I despise my existence almost as much as I despise theirs..."

Set Sweet Set

Darkness is the essence of hiding as well as the cloak of misdirection, that being Chrysalis's first choice of things to go. The stage was clearly shown with overhead lights shining down on a single glass saucer with tiny little dot lights giving off a dim ambient glow beneath it all from under glass tiles. Not a single look could be missed off of the fear, despair, worry, and pain of any soul that was foolish enough or cursed dearly enough to be cast on that center stage.

The unknown and the unpredictable was always the core ideal of any fine show, or at least that's what Discord had had in mind. With the aid of his little colt ally and the payroll on several strapping stallions, the entire stage -offset as well as on- had been outfitted with not only the strangest in the unknown, but also the calculated exact of each pony or creature that could possibly ever be on stage. Not an idea was spared in Discord's grand design as he planned out each and every things' perfect tool of destruction... But all in good fun.

That all left only Pip to his own devices. At first he pondered what could this set be missing? Was it this? No. Was it that? No. It was perfect... Or so it would appear at first glance. But as that little colt looked to the marveling stage, he developed an idea... Was it twisted? Maybe. Was it funny? More so. Would it be heartwarming? If done right, in so many ways...

Nice new place, huh?

Be silent you...

Why is she upset?

She's just mad we didn't move the set where she wanted it.

I simply don't understand what was so taboo about bringing the set into Canterlot...

Do you want this list? Pippy, give her the list.

One, YOU are banned from Canterlot until YOU are invited as a royal guest.

Two, HE is banned from Canterlot until I repair and repay the statue of him I broke.

Three, this show is technically illegal by the capital of Canterlot, it's only because of our boss that we can do this.

Four, we did a majority vote and it was two to one.

That in of itself is unfair since you and that thing are friends now.

Maybe...

But come on...

Think of it as a free vacation!

I fail to see the joy in this place...

Haywaii is a great place!

The surf...

The sand...

The stallions...

You know the ones he means...

Eh? Eh? Eh?

...I honestly believe I am growing ill of mind the more I sit here listening to you two...

Come on.

The sun...

The sea...

The saucy maidens...

You know the ones he means...

Eh? Eh? Eh?

Are you implying that I go for females?

Honestly, we're running a bet on if you're a boy or girl...

I'm a female!

Looks like you might win Pip.

Don't know... juries still out...

MAKERS! WHY!?

Zecora

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

Dead centre of the single platform on the newly designed stage was their newest guest, a calm tone dawned across her face.

Zecora...

...Has trouble rhyming on a dime from time to time...

"No trouble at all voice from above, it is easy to do what you love."

Zecora...

...Is actually an Earth pony with painted on stripes...

..Zebra isn't even one of the pony types...

"Pardon me for prying, but are you aware you are lying?"

Zecora the Earth Pony...

...Is a voodoo phoney...

"My skills are not in the voodoo arts, to say so is a lie in many parts!"

Zecora the Earth Pony...

...is a Chrysalis crony...

"How can you speak these lies so smugly?! I would sooner die then work with one so ugly!"

Zecora...

...Is a dirty, filthy, rotten--

Okay, I think that's enough...

Better end the show now before things get rough...

Now you know...

Zecora...

"I place a deny to that claim. I shall see to this show being cancelled with all of it's shame." Zecora mumbled before turning away to start leaving.

Wait a second Zecora...

One does not simply walk away from stage two...

That's right...

Once you just walked out...

But now...

Suddenly, the ground under Zecora slid open and dropped her down into a narrow barrel.

You fly out...

The barrel slowly rose from the floor to reveal it to be a sizeable cannon pointed to a skylight above the stage.

Have a nice flight!

All that could be heard from Zecora was a spiteful but muffled scream as the cannon gave off a smoking explosion and fired the zebra off the stage and into the hot Haywaii night.

ROUND 2: Trixie

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

It wasn't the first time Trixie had been presented to this travesty of entertainment, but it seemed almost new to her as she was placed on display under those blaring lights.

The Great Trixie...

...was evicted from Twilight's lawn...

"Honestly we're going back on that? The great and powerful Trixie will say it not a single time more, I do not live on her lawn!"

Yeah...

...Not anymore...

"I never once did!"

The Great and Powerful Trixie...

...passed Magic Kindergarten...

"That goes without saying, doesn't it?"

...ONLY Magic Kindergarten...

"The Great and Powerful Trixie has graduated from the highest Magic Academies in the world!"

Really...?

"Of course!"

...Blank...

...The papers...

Suddenly a screen flickered on behind Trixie to reveal a nearly bleach white image save for the listings of names and numbers in black.

Trixie...

...Flunked out of three academies...

...Two private schools...

...And was kicked out of three public schools...

"What!? Falsified! These documents are falsified I tell you!"

Oh please...

...The the Royal Canterlot Archives would lie...

...It also says she was a bed wetter...

Really...?

"I was never a bed wetter! The Great and Powerful Trixie would never soil her sheets!"

You're right...

...You weren't a bed wetter...

"Thank you for being honest at least once--"

According to this you still are a bed wetter...

"Slander against my good name will not be tolerated I tell you!"

See...?

Now she's telling bigger lies than us...

She says she has a good name...

"Why you low--"

The Great and Powerful Maxie Awesome Super Terrific Uber Trixie...

...is a very fast runner...

"We-- Oh... Well thank you... The Great and--"

So fast...

...We're going let her show off by releasing an Ursa Minor on her right now...

"...I'm sorry... The Great and Powerful Trixie must have heard you wrong. She could've sworn you just said you were to release a--" as Trixie stammered in a confusion, the floor of the stage began to rumble and shutter as the twinkling of an Ursa's coat appeared out through the darkness behind Trixie.

...You should really start running now...

Trixie gave a simple glance back before looking up into the lights above her. "...I hate you..." with a puff of smoke engulfing her, Trixie made a mad dash off of the stage, her new Ursa friend following close behind, teeth at the ready.

Now you know...

Trixie...

"I shall not become a great and powerful bowel movement!" could be heard screamed from off in the backstage with the accompanying growl of a captured beast.

ROUND 3: Pinkie Pie

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

Far, far, far from as enthusiastic and energetic as she had been twice before, Pinkie looked almost deflated under the new spotlights.

Pinkie Pie...

...First...

...I'm sorry for putting you through that story and everything...

"Oh, uh, it--"

No...

...We went to far...

...What do you say we forget about that and tell a bunch of outlandish lies about you...?

Pinkie started to perk up and looked as if her energy was starting to spark through her puffy hair again. "Okie-dokie-loki!"

Great...

...Blank...?

You want this one...?

All over it...

Pinkie Pie...

...is an orphan...

"Silly, I'm not an orphan, I live with the Cakes."

What happened to your real parents and two sisters...?

"If I told you that wouldn't be any fun!"

Pinkie Pie...

...is still in shock...

"Shock? What shock?"

The shock of seeing a fire gallop over your old home town and swallow up your family...

"Yeah... Wait, what? That never happened. I lived on a rock farm, how does a rock farm start on fire?"

How indeed...

Pinkie Pie...

...controls children with the use of percussion instruments...

"I prefer brass instruments, but I can't control children with them... Just control their feet to DANCE!"

Yes...

...Dance...

...Dance to witchery...!

"Witchery? Are you crazy?" Pinkie snorted a little laugh at the claim, "I'm not a witch."

That's exactly what a witch would say...

Pinkie Pie...

...doesn't think Discord is the God Of Chaos...

"B-But he isn't."

Blasphemy...

Better watch your tongue...

...he might just strike you down or throw you out the backstage...

...Or something like that...

"Riiiiiiiiight... Wink, wink."

Pinkie Pie...

...evilgypsywitchsayswhat...

"What?"

Witch!

With a loud thud, a trapdoor placed before Pinkie swung open and produced a sizable cannon with multiple hoses and pipes linked to it. "...What's that thingy?"

Oh...

...It's nothing special Pinkie...

...Just my WATER CANNON!

With yet another thud the cannon began to tremble before erupting a torrent of water at Pinkie, sending her off the stage with the size and strength of a river.

Now you know...

...Pinkie Pie...

...You know that if she lives she isn't a witch right?

...Just want to be clear on that point...

...Riceicles anyone?

FINAL BATTLE: Princess Celestia

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

"Unison for the entire opening?" Celestia scoffed with a jostling smile as she stood in the newly made center stage.

Yes Celest...!

We are no long Cap'n, Blank, or Queen...!

We are the being that will destroy you!

"Really? Well I should be afraid then."

Yes...

...You should...

Princess Celestia...

...rates skyrocket over Twilight's by at least forty bits per act...

"My ra--How DARE you!? Not only have to slandered my name with that comment, but also that of my student and my kingdom for even implying we condone prostitution!"

Princess Celestia...

...sends people to the dungeon for two hours for frivolousness things...

"Canterlot doesn't even have a dungeon for your information."

Oh yeah...?

...Then where does Luna sleep...?

"I would never keep my sister in a dungeon! She has suffered for enough as it were."

I would say so...

...She gotta look at yo' ugly flank e'ery day...

"Excuse me? I am not ugly. And that was just... rude."

Princess Celestia...

...is so vain she calls herself beautiful when others won't...

"I never call myself anything, I just am aware that I'm not--"

QUESTION!

"W-What?"

I have a question...

"...I don't think I should answer any question you ask... But go on."

Do you like...

...dancing...?

"I... Do. Yes."

Really...?

"Against my better judgement I will say yes."

Good...

Princess Celestia...

"Wait a moment. You're not going to do anything with that?"

No...

"Oh..."

What...?

Did you expect us to...?

"Well, I was hoping you wouldn't--"

Oh..!

So you just expect the worse from us...!?

"Well your track--"

Princess Celestia...

...Always thinks the worst of everyone..!

"I didn't exactly say that..."

But you meant it...!

"I'm sorry if I said something that--"

No...

...The damage is done...

...I just need a moment...

Sniffle...

...sniffle sniffle...

...

Alright I'm better...

Princess Celestia...

...loves da' voodoo...

"The voodoo? Well, I've studied it when I was younger, but I wouldn't say I love it. It is rather interesting though."

Princess Celestia...

...never forgets and never dies...

"I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm an immortal--"

And if you try to take her land...

...She gonna bury you there...

"That's very morbid. I would never do something so ruthless."

Princess Celestia...

...hates elves...

"Why would I hate elves? Honestly, I want to hear this one. Why in the name of the makers would I ever hate elves?"

...They took ya' eye...

"Bu--grah! I have both my eyes, see?! How can they take something I never lost and still have?"

Woah...

Touchy...

It's true what they say...

...Don't poke the trolls...

"Are you calling me a troll!? How dare you!?"

Geez...

...Calm down...

...Look...

...I'm sorry...

"Hm... Fine... I accept your--"

Let me just call your other molesting friends so they can pick you up...

"Why you little--!"

Now you know...

Princess Cel--

"No! This show ends now!" Celestia snarled, her face twisting into a great anger.

Nooo...

...This episode--

"I've had enough of your lies, slandering, cruelty, and treachery." the princess's wings flapped and propelled her into the air above the stage, her horn starting to spark with power. "This entire crime against pony kind ends now!"

...Yeah...

...No it doesn't...

"How do you draw to that conclusion?"

Because I can do this...

...Fire...

Though it was faint and was very much muffled out, Celestia could've sworn in that last moment she heard "firing main cannon" from the roofed sky above. Just after that noise, the roof shattered as a blinding plasma-esque beam show down and crushed up against Celestia, smashing her through the stage floor itself with a stupefied expression glued on her face.

It's like they say...

Creativity is the mother of invention...

...

Can we stop talking like this now...?

DANG IT BLANK!

FINAL BATTLE: Spike and Rarity.

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

Placed in center stage, Rarity looked almost befuddled by the fact that her little dragon friend was standing beside her under the spotlights.

...Blank I thought Luna was next...

She was...

...But I thought since you've been so good lately, I'd give you a treat...

Really...?

Sure...

...Well thank you Blank...

"How would having us here be a treat for her?"

She feeds off of love...

...The more love the better...

And ONE OF YOU is a regular buffet of love...

"Hold on for a--"

"Wait a second--"

Rarity...

...is an advanced robot from the future...

"Pardon?"

"Ignore it, they said pretty much the same thing to me my first time."

"Ah, running out of marital are we?"

Spike...

...lusts after Sweetie Belle...

"Spike would never lust after anyone!"

"Yeah. Gross."

Spike...

...finds Rarity's gene pool to be gross...

"That wasn't what I meant!"

"Honestly, do you enjoy twisting words so much? Is that your only skill?"

No...

...I'm a male of many skills...

...After the show I can show you some of those skills...

"Back off of her!"

Oh...

Spike...

...doesn't like it when his wench is mocked...

"W-wench?"

"Sir! I am not a wench!"

Of course you aren't...

"Thank you."

But this is a family show so I can't call you what you really are...

"I will not stand for--"

Rarity and Spike...

...Are still working on those Dragonies...

"Drag-whats?"

"Uhhhh... N-No! We aren't doing that."

"Spike? What's a drag--OH! Oh you improper rogue! How dare you even insinuate--"

Rarity...

...is disgusted by the insinuation of mating outside of other species...

"I-I am not!"

And you can read all about her ideas on out-species mating in her newest book...

..."Kruelty Kan Kreate."..

"I am not a racist!"

"Yeah. If anything, you three are the racists."

We're three different species and we work next to each other without any problems...

...plus one of us is a member of EAAOS...

"...The what?"

The Equestrian Association for the Advancement of Other Species...

"You're making that up."

Oh yeah...

Of course you wouldn't have heard of it...

"I'm not racist!"

Rarity...

...is racist against racists...

"We--I...Spike how do I answer that?"

"...I have no idea..."

Spike...

...supports racism...

"I live with a pony, I grew up with ponies, I have a pet Phoenix, I get along with other dragons, and I love the buffalo when I see them."

...What about snipes...?

"Those aren't real..."

Ah-hah!

So racist you ignore their existence...!

"But they don't exist!"

"I have to agree. I've never seen one either."

Rarity and Spike...

...are anti-birdites...

"We aren't racist for the love of Celestia!"

Fine...

Rarity and Spike...

...are about to be let go for the last time...

"...Really?"

Yes...

...After one last thing...

"Should've known..."

"It can't be all that bad, right Spike?"

Oh...

We'll see...

Queeny roll the recording...

Spike...

...finds Rarity to be disgusting...

"No. She's the most beautiful pony in all of Equestria-- No, the universe-- No! The multiverse if that really exists."

"Stop! Don't play anymore!"

"...Spikey?"

Don't worry...

...It's not like we have more clips...

"Thank Celest--"

Oh wait we totally have one more clip...

Spike...

...stalks Rarity...

"A little. I'm ashamed to admit it, but if I don't admit it, it'll come to bite me, won't it."

Chomp, chomp...

Looks like it's biting you now...

"Celestia please, stop!"

"..."

Now you know...

Rarity and Spike...

And to avoid even more embarrassment...

Suddenly, a small screech stretched across the stage as a large speaker twitched to life.

EVERYBODY!

RARITY IS GIVING OUT FREE GEMS AND KISSES TO WHOEVER CAN TACKLE HER OR SPIKE TO THE GROUND!

"What!?"

STARTING...

With a loud thud, a gate on the side stage fell open to reveal a mob of ponies and many other species within distance waiting there, mixes of desire on their face.

NOW!

Both Spike and Rarity made no time to express their hate for this action as they screamed and ran off to the other side of the stage, followed shortly behind by the clustered mob of howling boys and screaming girls.

...Through adversity we are made stronger...

...Only with the passing of torment and trouble do we actually see the full extent of our devotion to love and ourselves...

...You read that in a book...?

No, it was written on my last Riceicle wrapper...

Really? All mine said was 'believe in yourself. Dream, try, do good'...

You mean do well, correct?

No...

Do good...

The promised day...

Through time, pony kind has asked one requiring question: "can chaos be brought to justice?"

Soon... That very question... will be answered...

Staring Pipsqueek the Pirate as 'Blank'. "Where's me patch!?"

And Queen Chrysalis as 'Queeny'. "Why am I here?"

These two must team up, set their differences aside, and take on the most challenging task they have ever faced in their whole lives... Except Queen Chrysalis since she's probably older then dirt. "Hey!"

Hoof in hoof, they will take on the most dreaded horror of all... And for the sake of their jobs, they must win fair and square. "I honestly don't need this job... I believe that point should be made--"

On the next episode of Know Your Mare, be here to witness the crowning answer...

Can Discord be defeated with lies?

"You can't believe it will be so easy, can you?"

"Ya' know cap'n...? For a moment here... Yeah, I think it can."

"Silly foal..."

"Riceicles are for colts."

"Who will come out the victor? Find out on the thrilling, action filled, hilarious episode next time... On Know Your Mare."

"This is going to be just... The very opposite of perfect, I can't lie. This show is--"

"Now Chrysy, behave..."

"...Very well ma'am..."

FINAL BATTLE: Discord

Know your 'quus, know your 'quus, know your 'quus...

"Know your 'quu, huh? I'm guessing Pip wrote the--"

Hose 'em!

On signal, a torrent of water shot from out of the darkness and drilled into Discord's lengthy torso. After a few seconds of the water hosing him, it finally drip to an end and Discord looked around confused. "Who set a hose up?"

I did...

...Miss Boss-Lady said that we're allowed to use one of five things we've set up anytime you start to mouth off...

"Well that seems a tad un--"

Pelt 'em!

Once more from off the stage a battalion of of assorted objects were fired at him. Potatoes, cans, apples, crumpled up trash balls, even a horseshoe or two were tossed at the draconequus as he tried to shield himself with his mismatched arms. "Oh, fine! I'll play by your -ow- rules! Just -ow!- stop throwing things at me!"

Alright...

With only a few more volleys of assorted items the assault simmered down.

Discord...

...is actually a dragon...

"I have some dragon in me, yes. But I also have some pony, goat, a few large cats... The list goes on, do you want me to show you the list?"

Not needed...

...It just so happens that we have your birth papers here...

"Funny, since as far as I know I don't have birth records."

Are you saying the Royal Canterlot Archives would lie...?

"The same Royal Canterlot Archives where we gathered all that information on Trixie? I guess--"

He's resisting!

Zap 'em!

"Zap me?" Discord repeated, finding that far more extreme then pelting and hosing him. But even so, as he saw two tesla coils rise from the stage on either side of him, he swallowed painfully. For a short moment Discord was charged with the collective voltage of the two coils, amplified by his still wet body. After a short burst of the energy, it was all switched off and Discord toppled face first against the stage, his coat charred black and a small waft of dark smoke coming from his tail.

Ready to go on?

"I can't feel my brain..."

You can't feel what you've never had...

...Now get up...

...I know you can take more then that any day...

Sure enough, Discord sprang back to his feet and all of the char covering him disappeared with a snap of his talons.

Discord...

...according to his records is a dragon with a rare scale condition...

"What condition is it? Hm? How long have I got left to live? Give it to me straight doc."

A condition called...

...Imastupititus...

"Imastupititus? Isn't that the same thing Queeny has?"

No...

...she was diagnosed with ugligiantholetosis...

"Sounds serious..."

It is...

Discord...

...eats babies...

"You don't just eat babies. You need to have the right seasoning--"

He's smart mouthing!

Hose 'em!

"Didn't you already do that?" once more Discord was knocked back a little by the cooling flow of liquid hitting him, this time it spattering all across his face instead. The flow was much shorter and was retracted quickly. "I thought you had five things? Why go back to the first?"

That's our fourth thing actually...

You see, that wasn't water...

"What was it then?"

Ghost Pepper Sauce...

"Ghost Pepper... Sauce?" Discord repeated the name before piecing it together as he felt the liquid dripping down his face. "...Clever..." with that finally word, Discord began to flail about screaming as some of the sauce dipped into his eyes and against his tongue as he shouted in pain. Both Chrysalis and Pip allowed him to scream and smack up against the walls and rafters for a good minute before finally firing freezing water at him to clean him off.

Ready to go on again...?

Discord, now laying on the ground gasping for clean, un-spiced air gave them a thumbs-up before struggling back to his feet.

Discord...

...has a friend that really wants to say she's sorry...

"Really? Who? You? Couldn't be..."

Oh yes...

I want to say sorry for all the mean things I've said to you and Blank...

"Aww, I knew you loved us."

Yes...

...I'm so sorry, that I wanted to sing you your favorite song...

"You know my favorite song? You do listen to me. I'm just so gosh darn touched right now."

I bet you are...

...Blank...

...Care to help?

Completely...

Slowly the stage began to echo with the starting of music, music that Discord was familiar with but wasn't able to put a finger on.

Open your eyes, I see~~...

Your eyes are open~~...

"Uh... This isn't my..."

Wear no disguise, for me~~...

Come into the open~~...

"Wait..." Discord took a second to think of the lyrics before his eyes went wide. "NO! Guys stop!"

When it's cold (when it's cold) outside (outside)~~...

"Alright, you two win! I'll do anything, just stop singing!"

Am I here~~ in vain..?

Discord began to frantically look around before remembering he could just snap his fingers. With a snap he smiled, thinking it would've stopped. However, to his dismay nothing changed. "Wha-- GAH! You put up those harmony charms didn't you!?"

Hold on, to the night~~

There will be no shame~~

"Makers you two, please! I-I'll be good! Just stop singing!"

Always~~...

I wanna be with you...

And make believe with you...

And live in harmony~!

Harmony~!

Oh love~!

"GAH! IT BURNS!" Discord began to flop on the stage floor as if the words were starting to physicality hurt him.

Always~~...

I wanna be with you...

And make believe with you...

And live in harmony~!

Harmony~!

Oh love~!

"Have ye' no MERCY!?" Discord cried while the music began to cut out.

Plenty of mercy...

Discord...

...plays chess with Celestia when no one is looking...

"Well... I prefer checkers... But chess is her game."

Discord...

...thought this would be easier...

"It's still easier then I thought it was going to be."

Really...?

...How...?

"I was almost certain Pippy was going to--"

Do this...?

With a little click, a trapdoor above Discord swung open to reveal a statue of him sent plummeting down at him. "...I trained you well..." Discord nodded once before having the statue slam into his head and send him crashing through the stage floor.

Now you know...

Discord...

...What's wrong Blank...?

I don't know...

...This is just missing something...

Like what exactly...?

Hm...

...OH!

I've got it...!

Do tell...

Why don't we bring the boss on for the next episode...?

Are you mad!?

Everyone's so curious, let's just give them a better hint...

...Fine...

...But we keep her concealed at all times...

Got it...

You got that Cap'n?

Yeah, I got it...

How did you get up here so fast?!

Did you think a statue hitting me in the head at high speed would've kept me down?

...Yes...

For some stupid reason I used common sense in that matter...

BOSS FIGHT: ???

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

Unlike all those before, the spotlights that lit the stage were all slightly dimmed and the target in question was garbed head to hoof in a thick brown cloak.

The Boss...

...knows we can't say much or we're going to be fired...

"No please, go right ahead and say whatever you want. We're all here for good fun."

We can say anything...?

"Go right ahead I say."

And if I do...

...You'll still sign for my--

"Without a doubt, you cute little colt."

Blank...

...Can you please stop seducing all of the older mares...?

I can't help it if I'm so darn cute...

The Boss...

...likes younger ponies...

"Better younger than older I always say."

Then why do you mooch off of older stallions...?

"Hah, mooch? A lady doesn't mooch."

Golddiggers do...

"I'm not a golddigger. I pay my way."

Sure you do...

The Boss...

...doesn't have a special somepony so she can leech off of others easier...

"That's not why. I'm alone because I just haven't met the right stallion yet."

Probably because he's hiding from you...

"What's your excuse?"

OHHHHHH!

She showed you...

Moving on...

The Boss...

...rules Canterlot with an iron hoof...

"There are several things wrong with that idea alone."

The Boss...

...plans to take over Haywaii next...

"I wouldn't--Actuelly... This is a tasteful land..."

Then she'll take over Saddle Arabia...

"No... Even if I wanted to I can't."

Why...?

"Luna was already promised it when the current ruler dies."

...You're making that up...

"Am I?"

Dear Makers...

...She's trying to turn the tables on us...!

What do we do...!?

Plan Chiron Beta Prime...!

"Chiron Beta--?" but before the cloaked mare could say anymore, a mine cart flew out from the darkness and scooped her up, carrying her off in the opposite direction with the loud clanging of metal.

...I think they now know a little more about...

...The Boss...

...Blank...?

Do you have any last minute words of wisdom...?

You know...

...I do actually...

No matter who you are, you can change the world...

Touching...

...What about you Queeny...

..."It may be too late to be the right person, but it's never too late to do the right thing"...

...You get that from a Riceicle wrapper...?

Y-Yeah...

...That's where I got it...

...What now?

Know your-- Who are we supposed to be doing?

Wasn't it Trixie again?

No...

...It's too soon and she's not due for a pass for another day or two after all the dairy we fed that thing...

Right, right...

...What about Sweetie Belle?

...She's due for some good ol' fashion pay back.

The boss said we can't bring her on until we can work through the law suit...

How's that working out?

As well as Queeny does when she tries to hit on someone...

Ah, dead in the water.

I truly feel my heart trying to kill itself every moment I listen to you two...

We're just playing with you.

Yeah...

...So what about Fancypants?

This late in the game?

Psh... I thought I trained you better buddy.

You're right...

That's small potatoes...

Hmmm...

...I've got it...

You do?

Regale me. Please. I'm dying to know. Really...

Poke all you want Queeny...

...But I have the best idea ever...

...of all time perhaps...

Well don't keep me out of the loop...

...What's your plan...?

We will strike at the center of all that is good...

...The core of everyone's harmony, love, and kindness...

You don't mean--!

No, not that one...

Oh...

You mean--!

Not that one either Cap'n...

Hm...

You mean--!

YES!

...Do we still have that timey-wimey thing we towed from that Doctor?

Yes...

...Mwa-hah-hah-hah-hah!

...I just realized I'm in Haywaii cooped up in a studio with you two mules...

...I'm taking a vacation...

Really?

Are you sure?

I'm already out the door...

...

Should we replace her?

Naa, we'll be fine...

...Seriously, she's coming back, right?

I need three signatures for my intern-work to get school credit...

Don't worry little buddy, she'll be back...

...Maybe I should've went with Silver Spoon on her mission trip to Saddle Arabia...

I wouldn't worry about it...

That place is filled with penta-whals.

Penta-whals!?

Pre-round: Twilight Sparkle

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

For once, the little filly on center stage wasn't there alone. Beside her was a blue police box with its front door cracked open. But to the little filly, it was the least oddest thing as she trembled behind a book cloaking her face.

Twilight Sparkle...

...can't reason why she's here...

"If... If I had to draw any conclusion to why I'm here, it would be because of some sort of unrealistic logic."

...Nerd...

"Nerd?"

Twi-Twi...

...has no future to look foreword to...

"Twi-Twi? And of course I have a future. The Princess is taking me in as a personal student."

Yeah...

...A lot that will get you...

"You don't know what you're talking about you philistine!"

...Neeerd...

Sparky...

...is doomed to become the stick in everyone's mud...

"Why should I even care if that's true? My studies and magic should come first. Not one thing comes before that."

What about your brother...?

"Exceptions to the rules are always applicable..."

...Neeeeeeerd...

Twilley Nick-nack-patty-wack Sparkle Sparkle Sparkle...

BUCK YEAH, Sparkle Sparkle Sparkle!

...is about to be mentally scarred for all her life...

"How?" just like that, a hatch above the filly Twilight swung open to drop a mix of snakes and other reptiles on her. In seconds, Twilight began screaming and flailing away at the scaled creatures before rushing for cover inside the police box.

...Step one complete...

...Step two...?

I know just who to go for...

Wow...

There is a tear in my eye...

...I'm so proud of you...

...How long do you think it will take for the Doctor to figure out where his thingy-is?

I give him a week as long as our ace in the hole keeps him distracted...

"Ma'am. I thank you for trying to be hospitable, but I will tell you one more time. I do not care what wubs are!"

For the love of...

Lights from the catwalk flickered on and off, barely so to show the three different species laying next to one another on the once busy stage. Once three forces of pure oddity, now here, laying on a barely swept floor with bored expressions plastered across their faces. Even in their awkward laziness, they still sprang to their attention when they heard a door slam from behind stage. "Oh Makers..." Discord mumbled while contemplating if teleporting off of stage could still work.

But that idea was quickly forgot as a cloaked figure came before the three. Though the face was obscured by the brown tarp like hood, anger could still be felt fuming off from under it. "...What's going on here?"

"Well you see--"

"Silence..." the cloaked mare hissed, sending Pip to cower behind his 'Cap'n'. "I have provided you with a stage, tools, and the means to keep your show running longer... Explain to me why the show has been dry for so long?"

"We just haven't been able to--"

"Enough..." This time Discord took Pip and slinked behind Chrysalis like a scared puppy. "Now... If we are to keep our deals with one another, you will start this show up once more... Have I made myself clear."

The three nodded with little meeps of sound. "Good..." With not a word more to say, the mare turned away from her employees and went off back into the backstage.

"...Discord why are you hiding behind me?" Chrysalis groaned.

"Site seeing," he snickered in reply before getting a slap of a hoof to his lion paw from Pip.

"Ugh..."

Prince Blueblood

Before the three voices on the stage that has faced many different ponies and species alike was the stallion of royal blood, looking a bit bored by the whole sight.

...

"...Eh-hem?"

Yes...?

Can we help you...?

"I was brought to your show so you could do some sort of interview on me?"

Oh...

...Well no...

...You can leave...

"I beg your pardon?"

Go...

...All we were going to do was make fun of you and poke fun at you...

Yeah...

...You can just go...

"Oh... Very well then..." Prince Blueblood thus turned around and began to exit the single spotlight before coming to a halt, a thought tugging at his mind a bit. "Why exactly are you letting me go?"

Why question it...?

Yeah...

A lot of ponies would've been happy to run away if we gave them the chance...

Milk this cow while you still can...

'Milk this cow'...?

Applebloom taught me it...

...It means take the chance you're given...

Ah...

...Bumpkin wisdom...

...Very few can match it...

"Excuse me."

Huh...?

Oh...

You're still here...?

Yeah...

Go milk a cow or something...

...We're letting you go...

"But why?"

Don't make us say it...

"Say what?"

It's just that...

...What can we say...?

Honestly...

What could we possibly say that could make you look any worse than you already do...?

"What did you say about me you--"

Don't even start, you piece nouveau riche arrogance...

You have nothing...

You are nothing...

"I am--"

NOTHING!

Do you know what power is boy...?

Something you could never hope to fathom...

Royal name and blood are nothing...

You earn respect by displaying your power...

Your very right to rule!

"Uh--"

DO NOT SPEAK WHILE I SPEAK YOU WORM!

Blueblood cringed and cowered as he saw two green flames spark through the darkness.

Celestia...

Luna...

Even Cadenza...

I have respect for them to some degree...

They have power and have shown their right to rule...

You have nothing and have proven nothing...

And that's why we won't say anything about you...

Yeah...

Why waste our time when we can bother people with depth and character...?

So you can just go...

We won't even bother with a trap or anything...

You know where the door is...

The prince could not get a single word out as he wobbled his way over through the darkness to the exit he entered from.

...Queeny...

Do not bother me with trivial matters of 'how amazing' I just was...

...I wasn't going to say that...

...I was going to say that I have on recording you saying you respect the princesses...

...GIVE ME THAT TAPE!

FINAL BATTLE: Cheerilee

Know your mare, know your mare, know your--

Blank!

...

Blank you have to do the show...

You can't make me...

Fine...

Ignore him...

On center stage under the spotlight, the school teacher of all of Ponyville looked a bit puzzled by the small development. "Is something wrong?"

Just a little civil disobedience...

"Better civil than uncivil."

Right...

...That's the opposite of how you categorize your sex life, right...?

"I think that's my business to worry about."

Of course...

Cheerilee...

...Is known as La Bicicleta in Appleloosa...

"I haven't even been to Appleloosa before... And why would I be known as The Bicycle?"

Because you're the first thing anypony ever rides...

"That's uncalled for. I would like an apology letter after this."

Cheerilee...

...is a horrible person...

Heavy on the on H-O-R...

"Horrible--Stop that!"

Cheerilee...

...Is alone by choice...

"That's pretty much true. But--"

Everypony else's choice...

"Stallions ask me out almost everyday. If I wanted to I could go out. But I have papers to grade and students to focus on."

Cheerilee...

...Loves to tell stories...

"When I was younger, yes. But what does that have to do with anything?"

Everything...

In ways you could not even begin to comprehend with your Ponyville intelligence...

"I'll have you know that Ponyville is the second leading village in all of Equestria when it comes to education."

Yippy...

You lost to Canterlot and won to ponies who are high and a whole city of inbred ponies...

"There's no need to start making fun of other cities."

Does this pony have a 'stick out of flank' switch...?

I wouldn't count on it...

"I'm standing right here you know."

So that's where all the stank is coming from...

"That's--"

Cheerilee...

But before another word could be said about her, the floor beneath her slid open and swallowed her up into the darkness with a sharp squeal of surprise.

...Blank...?

I can't do it Cap'n! I can't do it!

Don't be such a coward...

But if we make fun of her, she's gonna--

Don't worry buddy...

...I'll make it right if it comes to that...

Thanks Cap'n...

...You two grow more and more toxic to me as the seconds pass...

The Sacred One...

Know your--

Dear Makers!

It's--

No bucking way!

I can't believe it...

On our own stage...

Be cool, be cool...

Uh...

Hello...

Yeah, ummm...

Welcome to our stage...

Hope you like it...

I-If you don't we could change it for you...

I can't believe he's even here...!

Can we have your autograph...?

Just meet us back stage after the show...

...We'll have papers and pens for you to sign...

You know...

...If you want...

...

...The two of you never cease to amaze me with your stupidity...

Queeny!

Bite your tongue!

This stallion is a GOD!

He makes Cap'n look like Snails...

He makes me look like Snails by comparison!

He is just a unicorn...

Just a--

BLASPHEMY!

Do you know who this is?

Standing rather awkwardly on center stage was the idol of Discord and Pip's praises, garbed in his usual baking attire.

It's Joe...

Not just JOE...

This is THE Pony Joe...

Have you any idea what greatness he brought upon this world!?

Dear Makers...

He is the single creator...

The only mastermind...

The one pony with the vision to create...

RICEICLES!

"You're the ones that've been eaten all of my stocks of those?"

Oh yes great one!

Wasting not a moment more, the stage beneath Joe sprang up and launched him up through a sliding door positioned on the ceiling above him.

Queeny!

We were gonna get autographs!

How can you be so heartless!?

...I'm going back on a vacation...

PREP-ROUND: ROUND 2: ...

You're an animal...

Yeah...

You're a wrecking machine...

Yeah...!

You're the best around...

Yeah!

Nothing's gonna keep you done...

YEAH!

You're gonna go out there and wreck face...!

YEAH I AM!

I've already taken care of everything ahead of time...

...There's no way for her to slip by this time...

She got off easy last time...!

Time for me to bring down the thunder...

Who's gonna win this one?

We are!

Who's gonna win!?

We are!

Who're the boys that make all the wenches wanna scream!?

We are!

Who are the two most idiotic fillies in the world...?

We are!

...Wait, what?

Let's just go...

The three turned to face the center stage from their overlook, seeing the special effect smoke the prepared for this might occasion clear up to reveal their newest target. And there she was, lopsided eyes as always and looking just as confused as she always would be...

BRING IT ON!

ROUND 2: Derpy.

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

Standing front and center for the first time, Derpy looked around her dark surroundings completely unfazed.

Before we start...

Blank...?

Will you do the honors...?

Gladly Cap'n...

With a light click, two slots opened up from the ground beside Derpy, sending forth two shackles that quickly latched onto the pony's two back legs.

Just to be safe...

"D'aww, you don't have to worry about me."

Just don't want you getting side tracked...

Now let's begin...

Derpy...

...Can't count to three...

"Yah-huh. I can count to three. Watch. One to three."

Uh...

Right...

Derpy...

...has the most unlucky name...

"At least I got a name. Some ponies don't even get one. And that's sad..."

Hrmm...

Derpy...

...has a daughter...

"I have a daughter? That's great! When's the birthday?"

Derpy...

...Doesn't even remember her daughter...

"I don't even remember where I live; doesn't mean I don't love my house. You don't gotta remember something to know you love it, right?"

Derpy...

...makes Screwball look sane...

"Glad I could help."

No...

That's not a--

GRAH!

Cap'n, calm down...

No...!

It's time to bring down the rain...

Derpy...

...shouldn't be made fun of...

"...Wha? You were making fun of me?"

Poor Derpy...

...so far into special needs she can't even see when she's being made fun of...

Cap'n, stick to the jokes...

"Special needs? Noooo, I'm nothing special."

You're right...

...You aren't special...

You're just an old, tired pun...

"Uh... I-I don't really-- no... I don't understand."

Of course you don't...

...You're retar--

WOAH!

Bring it back!

This is a family show...

No need to pull the r-card...

Why?

Because she deserves special treatment...?

She isn't special...

She's worse then any other pony...

She's mentally weak!

At this, the pegasi in the center light had plopped down onto her flank and just looked at the ground hurt.

Cap'n...!

Calm down...

No...!

I'm tired of playing nice with ponies like her...!

If they can catch a break and--

Oh...

...I'm sorry...

Derpy...

...I'm sorry...

...I went too far...

Derpy made no action of responding, even as the shackles done onto her legs released and slipped away.

...I'll make it up to all three of you...

...I'm really sorry...

Finally, Derpy got to her hooves and ventured out into the darkness, only the sound of a closing door signalling her departure.

On the outside of the studio, in the setting Haywaii sun, Derpy looking off into the distance. Slowly, as she watched the waves crash into the sandy coast, she smirked. "Works every time..."

EXTRA: Riceicles...

Hey Pipsqueek, what'cha got there?

This?

Oh it's only the greatest thing made by pony kind.

It's called a Riceicle.

A Riceicle?

Well what kinda newfangled contraption is that?

Oh Cap'n, you're so old.

Hah-hah, yes I am.

Yes I am.

A Riceicle is the newest form of creative ingenuity.

And for our lucky viewers, we're going to teach them how to make their own at home...

...Right now!

Right now?

You're blowing my mind here Pippy!

So let's get right to it.

First, you need a Popsicle stick.

Then, you need about a pound of rice.

A pound of rice?

A pound of rice.

Well why in the hay to we need a pound of the stuff if we're just making one for ourselves?

Oh Cap'n...

That's so selfish.

What sort of monster only makes Riceicles for only themselves?

You're right.

I need to learn to share.

Anyway.

Now you cook the rice to a nice, tasteful brown or a soft, sticky white...

Depending on your taste.

And when that's done, you pour it all into a nice big bowl.

Stick as many sticks as you have friends into the bowl of rice nice and tall and put it all in your freezer.

Wait about 4-10 hours before taking it back out and BAM!

Take a nice ice pick or spoon and hammer your own riceicle out of there to eat.

What about if we want more flavor?

Always a step ahead of me, cap'n.

If you want to add some flavor, just add a nice drop of soy sauce or any other condiment to the top and just let it drizzle down for a nice flavor.

And that's it?

That's it!

Well why are we still here?

Let's go make our own!

YEAH!

STOP!

Oh buck!

It's the fun police, buddy!

What do we do?!

Make a break for it!

Wai--

Hrm...

We still have to do--

Never mind...

Let them have their fun...

I'll just handle the little ones myself...

...I was what...?

Flip...

Flip...

"Huh..."

Flip...

Flip...

"Hmm..."

Flip...

Flip...

"Oh..."

Fli--

"Huh?" The mismatched beast looked up from his book and quickly tossed it aside in fear. "BUCK! Pip!"

Off from the side, a little colt came out wearing a chef's hat and apron. "Wha' is it, Cap'n?"

"We're supposed to be doing the show!"

Pip looked at a nearby calendar that had a picture of Princess Luna on it before he too discarded his own items. "We got careless, Cap'n!"

"Quick! To the studio!"

"Wha' 'bout dinner?"

"...Alright... After dinner we'll go."

"Ya' think Queeny 'ill be a'right?"

"No need to worry. We lined up the next few to be easy ones... At least for us. Queeny will do just fine..."

Pre-round: Trixie

Know your--

"Rejected!" from down below on the single spotlight lit stage, a little filly wearing a hat much too big for her own head threw a hoof up in said rejection.

What--?

"Stop talking! I, the gweat and powaful Twixie, will tell you when you may speak."

...

"..."

...

"...Well?"

Well--?

"I said no tawking till I tell--"

Enough...

I'm starting up the show...

"You will not do a single thing unwess I tell--"

Trixie...

...lives in her hat...

"How do you live in a hat? You were hats. Stupid."

Then why is your hat twice the size of your head...?

"Because my head isn't fat wike yours, grammy."

Why you little...

Trixie...

...Will grow up to be--

"The gweatest and most poweweful wizard in the world. Yeah, Twixie knows that already."

Ah...

Young dreams...

...Before reality crushes them...

"Can you not remember yours? You are old..."

I'm not old you pint-sized--

Never mind...

Trixie...

...will never amount to anything...

"Nooooo... Twixie will amount to everything. She will not grow up to be a wrinkly old bag like you."

STOP CALLING ME--

...No...

You know what?

You're right...

You will amount to something...

"Duh."

So much so...

I'll help you out...

"How?"

By giving you this...

At that moment, a book landed before the filly Trixie. "What is it?"

It's a book of the greatest spell of all time...

Trixie picked the book up with a twinkle of her horn and turned towards the police box stationed beside her on the stage. As she walked in and began to close the door, she gave a look up into the darkness. "What's 'boasting'?" But before she could be given an answer, the door slammed shut.

It's Changeling for payback you hack!

...

...Thank the Makers that the boys aren't here to hear me talk like that...

"Yes! I'm glad you taught me about wubs. Very fascinating stuff, but I am very sorry. I will not in this life or in any other life buy Venetian Sunglasses from you!"

EXTRA: The Job has been--

"Hey, Cap'n?"

"Yeah Pippy?"

"Can you sign this?"

"Sign-- What's this?"

"It's a paper sayin' it's fine for me to work two jobs at once."

"Huh... Well two questions come to mind right away for me."

"Fire 'em away."

"First: Why are you working two jobs?"

"Double the jobs, double the credit. This job don't take much work from me, so I'm startin' ta work a second part-time job."

"Hmm... Clever. Now the second question. Why are you having me sign it?"

"I need a guardian ta sign it."

"Why not ask Queeny?"

"'Cause I respect and like ya' more. Yer' me Cap'n, Cap'n."

"...So where do I sign?"

Pre-round: Applejack

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

Once more, the familiar police box stood near the center of the stage; this time having a blonde filly with little white freckles on her face beside it.

Applejack...

...has legs made out of noodles...

"Noodle legs? I ain't got no noodle legs... D-Do I?"

Applejack...

...Has a messy mane...

"Big Mac says my mane looks perdy! Big Mac'd never lie ta' me."

Applejack...

...is doomed to lose favor with her brother...

"Lose wha'? Favor? Ya' mean like 'portance? Ain't gonna happen. I'm Big Mac's favorite filly."

What if another younger filly comes along...?

"I'm the youngest; ain't gonna be any filly in our kin that'll be younger then me."

Uh-huh...

...We'll see...

"Hold on a sec. What's that s'pposed ta' mean?"

Applejack...

...is only important to her family until a younger model comes along...

"That' ain't true! Ma' kin love me. No way are they gonna love anyone more than me."

Uh-huh...

Applejack...

...Is overly clingy...

"I ain't clingy... Whatever that means."

Now you know...

Applejack...

"Who knows? What's this thing 'bout? I don't get it!" the young Applejack turned towards the police box, still rather confused.

...Wait...

...Before you go...

...I want to give you something...

"What is--?" before she could say anymore, a piece of paper drifted down to the ground before her.

Just a little piece of advice...

Applejack bent down to read it, scanning her eyes over it slowly. After a few moments, the filly took a sharp gulp and looked up terrified. "Th-that true?"

Of course it is...

...Every time you tell a lie...

...Somepony dies...

Unable to speak out of fear, Applejack scurried away into the police box.

...Too easy...

"Alright... I've heard everything there is to do with wubs, I've bought your entire stock of these strange shutter glasses, but please... I now -nor ever- want to watch the complete works of Batmare!"

Pre-round: Fluttershy.

Know your-- NO!

Before the single light on the stage was the presence of a meek, little pegasi, looking very much lost.

OH NO!

You got right back into that box...!

"E-Excuse me?"

Yes!

You're excused!

Now GO!

"B-But--"

I don't care what you heard...

Just go back home...

There's no show here...!

"I was told--"

You want money...?

Will you go if I give you money...?

With a loud clang, a brown pouch landed before the filly on the stage.

There...

That's enough bits to last you ten years...

Take it and go away...!

"Ma'am I--"

Not enough, huh...?

Fine...

Yet another bag landed before the filly with a more louder clang.

That's enough for you to buy your own cottage...

Take it and never speak of this day...

The young Fluttershy looked at the two bags and slowly took them into her mouth before turning towards the police box she entered from before the show.

Woo...

Dodged a bullet...

...I'm evil but I'm not stupid...

"I'll give you this; the information on wubs has been fairly interesting, these glasses are starting to grow on me, and Batmare has a very complex story that I find very intoxicating. You've taken me on three accounts, I respect that. But I can't honestly say that I even want to know the science behind a 'Bass Cannon'..."

EXTRA: The boys are...

"Hey, Cap'n?"

"Pips, something amiss?"

"Kinda... Don't ya' think we shoul' 'ead back ta' base?"

"Gawwww, go back? What fun is there in going back to stingy old Chrysalis?"

"Glad ya' asked. I made a lil' list."

"Organization!?"

"Don't fret, I didn't number 'em or put 'em in order. Didn't even put 'em on a paper, jus' a napkin I lifted off a Pegi-Queen table."

"That's my Pip."

"Right-O. First point I got 'ere: still gotta get my work experience."

"Hmm... Point for you to go back..."

"''Nother point: don't go back, don't get paid."

"A good point... But you're not selling me well enough..."

"Thought ya' might say that, so I kept back me ball busta': if ya' don't go back, I'll give ya' The Look."

"...So how far away is the studio?"

"That's the spirit, Cap'n! Back to the show!"

"Yeah, yeah..."

"Don't be sad, I got a surprise for ya' when we get back."

"Oh boy, another surprise..."

"You're gonna love this one. It'll be absolute crackers!"

"...We really need to talk about your vocabulary Pips..."

...Back!

Know your mare, know your--

Before the intro could be finished, the stage was engulfed by a light from off stage. The light was quickly overshadowed by two shapes slowly entering through it, their shadows casting over the stage.

...Back already...?

"We were gone for a week," Discord, finally coming onto the center stage, said as he looked up into the darkness.

Really...?

...It felt so blissful without you two that I lost track of the days...

Pip took a spot next to Discord and smiled up into the darkness as the light from their entryway closed up. "You missed us, admit it."

Just take your spots up here so we can start...

"On it!"

As the two started to leave the light, they looked back behind them to see that the show had already had a guests waiting for them on center stage. To neither of the two's surprise, it was one they planned to let Chrysalis have to herself. "Oh... Um... You can go now."

"But--"

"Sorry, we'll call you back," Discord quickly led the tan colt out with a gentle push.

Just when my fun was about to start...

We love you too Queeny...

May we just invite that colt back so I may have my fun...?

Nope...

I promised Cap'n a real crackers of a guest...

...Dear Makers no...

Oh yes...

It's going to be absalutely...

Perfect...

Don't step on my lines foal...

Crackle.

Know Your Mare, Know Your---

Oh Pippy...

...You shouldn't have...

Seemingly on cue the spotlights fixed onto a large googly-eyed, green dragon clocking its head against one of the support beams of the stage.

You won't even believe the trouble I went through getting this one...

...the number of protocols and paper work I had to get through...

...But worth it for you Cap'n...

I'm tearing up...

I'm just so proud of you...

...May I...?

You may...

...Know Your Drake, know your Drake, Know Your Drake...

Ugh...

The bejewelled dragon stood in the light, eyes locked intensely in front of him.

Crackle...

...Glues gems to his scales...

"......" Crackle only continued his intense stare at what now seemed to be empty space.

Crackle...

...Is not actuly a dragon...

"......"

Crackle...

...understands every word we've said...

"....."

Crackle...

...Is to fat to fly...

"....."

This is going nowhere fast...

...And I love it...!

Yeah... !

Obviously, this dragon is the smartest guest we've ever had...

I'll give you that one...

What are we gonna do now?

There's always the cannon, but I'm not sure he'd fit...

Then, it's time we broke out...

...The Lancer-cannon...

You don't mean?

Oh yes I do.

Aye-aye Cap-

Shut it you two, I think he's doing something...

Suddenly, Crackle Released his majestic wings, quickly flapping them with a force un-befitting such a creature. Sending waves of wind tunneling down beneath his feet, lifting him nearly two inchs off the ground.

Hmmm... Touche dragon...

What's that?

This, dragon can fly after all...

...Bravo...

Maybe, he understood what I said?

I highly doubt that...

I'm not so sure...

...But it could be fun to find out...

Crackle...

...is a dragon that can't breathe fire...

Flapping his wings more vigorously crackle slowly gained altitude.

Like talking to a brick wall...

Give him time...

He might just surprise us...

The voices carefully watched the dragon's every move. Taking notice of Crackle's slow gain of altitude.

What do you think he's doing?

No, idea...

...But I'm still loving it...

Finally, several minutes after he began his flight, the roof was within Crackles reach. Taking his chance, Crackle quickly spat out his tongue at an insect that was buzzing around the ceiling. Succeeding, in snagging it in his mouth, Crackle quickly put his wings back into there usually folded position, and began his decent. His impact with the stage cracked it slightly.

That was...

...strange ...

Bit gross...

I think we're done here...

...I've enjoyed my gift enough...

Prepare the cannon?

Prepare the cannon.

Aye-aye Cap'n...

With that the floor shook, and a hidden door opened, under crackle's feet. Dropping him into a cannon, just big enough to hold him. The cannon rose from the stage, revealing the word "LANCE-CANNON" written on the side in metallic-style letters. The now trapped Crackle offered no resistance at all, he didn't seem to mind one bit.

Cannon's ready Cap'n...

Alright then, on my mark...

...Pause for dramatic effect...

...

...

...FIRE!

Crackle was sent flying to the now open sunroof, and he would have gone soaring through the skies of Hawaii. If he didn't get stuck, upside down half way though.

That's unfortunate...

At least, we know the cannon works fine...

Put that in the Win column...

How, are we gonna get him out...?

Tempt him with food...?

...The weak of mind are usually swayed by that...

We could load the cannon, and try to force him out...

Don't think the boss would take kindly to that...

Good point...

What do you suppose we do then...?

Still stuck in the ceiling Crackle had his mouth open, producing the strange crackling noise. The force of Crackle's crackle seemed to be enough to crack the hole he was in wide enough, sending debris down onto the stage. With not another sound, Crackle sprang out from the roof and disappeared over the studio.

Well...

...That solved itself...

Yeah...

I guess you could say Crackle...

...slipped through the cracks...

YEAAAAAAAH!

...If I were to destroy you both...

...Do you promise that you won't only feel great pain...

...But that you would never come back...?

No promises...

...I'll keep that option open none the less...

Pre-Final Battle: The Cutie Mark Crusaders.

Welcome back little one...

Standing at the center of the stage, Sweetie Belle mirrored her previous expression of dismissal.

I've personally invited you here to inform you that our next guest will be you along with your two friends...

"I'm not sure that will look good on your stacking court record."

Yeah...

About that...

As of two week ago, our citizenship was transferred to Haywaii...

...A sovereign nation...

...One of which that under a few mandates, does allow instillation and slenderizing by a degree...

...And while you do have a stacked number of offences against us, the process to carry them out in this nation will take nearly a week...

...In that time we could easily relocate back to Equestria where those offences will now be ticketed under an isolated sect of law...

...In other words...

...As of two weeks ago, you lost all ordinance to charge us...

Sweetie Belle only blinked, mouth agape.

We'll see you next time Sweetie...

Seeing nothing more to say, Sweetie Belle stumbled off of the stage and into the darkness.

...

...

...You think she bought it...?

Completely...

FINAL BATTLE: Cutie Mark Crusaders

Know your mares, know your mares, know your mares...

Three. On the stage was not one, not two, but three little fillies. None of which looking at all pleased by their being there.

Cutie Mark Crusaders...

...are as token as token gets...

"Token? What they hay does token mean?"

"Whatever it is, it's not nice."

Sweetie Belle...

...isn't a lawyer...

"I never said I was."

You were sure fronting like you were one...

"You were the one that--"

HOLD IT!

We're in charge here...

You can't raise your objections in here...

Got it...?

"...Yes..."

Speak up, pup...

...Can't hear you...

"I said yes... Geez..."

That's more like it...

Applebloom...

...can't dance to save her life...

"When would I ever have ta--"

"SHHHH! Don't give them ANY ideas!"

We're not that sick...

... Gruesome over there might be...

...But we're not...

Scootaloo...

...is the last of her kind...

"Pegasi aren't gone. I saw -like- four on my way in here."

Who said anything about the Pegasus race...?

"You just did."

I did...?

"Yes!"

Well I don't remember saying anything about Pegasi...

...Just your race...

"But I am a Pegasus!"

Sure you are...

Sweetie Belle...

...teaches fabrics to pick pocket their wearers...

"...That doesn't even make any sense!"

Then why do you do it...?

"I don't! Nobody does! It can't be done!"

Can't be done...?

...You dirty despotist...

"What's a despo-tist?"

"That's not a real word."

Yeah...

...because Sweetie Belle knows every word in the dictionary...

"I know a fake word when I hear it."

Scootaloo...

...Isn't a real word...

"It's a name."

A fake one...

And according to Sweetie Belle...

...If the word doesn't exist...

...You don't exist...

"When did she say that?"

"When did I say that?"

It was implied...

"Liar..."

Applebloom...

...lies more then us...

"I never--"

...You never what...?

"...Never mind..."

No no...

...Say it...

"Nope, ya can keep goin'..."

That's what I thought...

...Punk...

Cutie Mark Crusaders...

...are masters of overlooking...

"Overlooking?"

"Overlooking what?"

Cutie Mark Crusaders...

...Can't see the inevitable...

...Or they just don't want to face it...

"What're you talkin' 'bout?"

I believe your theme song said it best...

...Blank...?

...Do the honours...?

Gladly...

Eh-hem...

Yadda-yadda...

...younger pony...

...Blah-blah-blah...

Here we are...!

'We'll have to figure out what we'll do next...

Till our cutie marks are here...'

"Yeah...?"

"Your point...?"

What happens when one of you gets a Cutie Mark...?

That one will no longer need to 'figure out what' they'll do next...

...That one will move on...

"But--"

You three can't possibly have the exact same Cutie Mark...

...two of you will get their's before the other...

...And that one will be left behind...

"..."

Yes...

...That's what I like to hear...

...Defeat...

"...We'll just help out the others until we all have a cutie mark..."

Hm...?

"Yeah. We're best friends."

"Best friends don't quit on ya' until ya'll win."

...They've got a point...

For once lately I wish a guest would just take a defeat...

"Tough! We'll always be stronger then you!"

"Cutie Mark Crusaders Show Defeaters!"

Ugh...

...Can we fire them out of something...?

Nope...

...Blank's papers say we can't physically harm anyone in his age group...

Then what do we do...?

We do this...

A little click echoed through the stage and in seconds a blinking neon sign lit the spot above the three fillies. They noticed the sign had words on it and they read slowly, surprise and energy filling their bodies.

'First filly to climb Mount Haywaii will receive an amazing Cutie Mark'...

In a flurry of hooves pushing away at the others', the three Crusaders scrambled to beat the other one out of the stage; ignoring their talk of best friendship.

...Isn't that mountain active...?

Just a little bit...

Huh...

Cutie Mark Crusader: Extra Crispy...

Nothing suspicious...

Cap'n...

...I don't understand...

There's nothing to worry about...

...We're just giving you a day off...

But didn't the two of us already take a day off...?

Yes...

...but you're smaller and younger...

...You need more rest...

...Wouldn't you need more rest since you're older...?

Logic...?

I thought I taught you better...

Ya' did, but still...

Blank...

Take an offer when you get it...

Just go for a day or two while we do our job here...

...Well...

...If you're both pushing for it...

And we are...

...Alright...

...I'll do it...

Great...!

We'll see you when you get back...

...

...

...

...Is he gone...?

He took to the bait like none other...

Time for us to call in our next target...

Blank would've had a fit with the next two...

But what he doesn't know won't hurt him...

Amusing as his torment is...

...I do at times wish he wouldn't look so trodden when he's hurt...

Are you being remorseful...?

Not at all...

...Not at all...

...Just get those two pests so I can enjoy myself...

One low-key princess and snob coming up...

Fancypants

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

Proud and strong, the stallion in the center light of the stage remained in stature as the introduction went.

Fancypants...

...Doesn't wear pants...

"Dare say I don't. Rarely I see a pony with a pair of pants."

Fancypants...

...approves memos...

"Comes with the job description. Papers and invoices don't just check themselves over. If they did, why, stallions and mares alike all over would be without jobs."

Fancypants...

...is a certified pimp...

"Mmm... Must say that I have to differ with you on that one. Prostitution is outlawed in Canterlot. Not so much in Los Pegasus, but I digress."

Fancypants...

...drops by orphanages to hit orphans with fruits...

"That's heartless! No respectable being would ever do such a horrid act."

Fancypants...

...isn't a respectable being...

"I disagree. I am one of the most -if not the most- respectable stallion in Canterlot."

Fancypants...

...is a lord of modesty...

"It's well known among everypony in Canterlot. No need to be overly modest in honest matters."

Fancy--

Hey guys...

Oh no...

Sorry I came back...

I just forget a few-- BUCK! It's Fancypants!

Abort!

You're picking on Mr. Pants!?

Guys!

Run!

I'll get the door!

Go! Go! Go!

You two get back here!

How dare you be rude to Mr. Pants!

After a loud slamming sound, Fancypants was left in complete silence standing in the center of the room. "...Should I show myself out?"

FINAL BATTLE: Luna

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

"I hear the you lack a voice in your numbers," Luna, who was placed in the center of the lit stage, observed.

Just for the time being...

You remembered to lock the door this time...?

Of course...

...No interruptions this time...

Princess Luna...

...has a collective gamer score of three thousand...

"What is a 'gamer score'? Ney, I needn't have a reason to know. That is most likely a low score anyway."

Yeah...

...You would know...

Princess Luna...

...hasn't raised the moon in months...

"If that lie were true, how does thee explain its setting as of late?"

Leave it to your big sister...

Princess Luna...

...thinks the Contra code is for noobs...

"What is a 'Contra'?! Is thou making up words and phrases?"

Not at all...

But could you answer me something...?

"...I am hesitant to say yes..."

What's the opposite of down...?

"Up...?"

Say again...?

"Up."

What's the opposite of up...?

"...Down..."

Sorry, what...?

"Down...!"

If you don't turn right, you turn...?

"Left...?"

Good, you're not wrong, so you're...?

"Right...?"

And the right answer you said was...?

"Left."

And what's the opposite of left...?

"Right."

If you say the alphabet backwards, you'd say C...?

"...B, A."

That's what I thought...

"...I don't follow."

Sure you don't...

...Wink...

Princess Luna...

...sleeps morning to morning...

"Slander! I work very much hard to keep my physique, as well as keep up to date on the current events."

Princess Luna...

...plans to plunge the world into eternal night...

"NEVER!"

...Only so she can play her video games more...

"Video--No! What sort of vile words does thou spit upon me? This goes too far!"

Not far enough yet...

"What does thou speak of?"

Nothing...

...I just found this old journal tucked away in the royal archives...

...written by you in your youth...

...I found a VERY dark note here...

"...Thee jests of brining it forth..."

Not at all...

Let's let the world here that their princess of the night is--

Bam! The lights went out and the sound cut out. "What!? What happened!? Get the power back on you twit!"
A fumble of sound could be heard as the lights and sound graduly returned. But to the announcers' surprise, the stage was now empty of any pony life.

Now Queenie...

...Don't--

GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Technical Difficulties.

Hello...

I am the benefactor as well as owner of Know Your Mare...

...I trust you'll understand why I can't show my face or say my name...

But that aside...

...Let me apologize...

After a mental as well as a physical meltdown by one of our hosts of the show, we've been forced to move our set...

...What's left of it...

Please bare with us as we move to our new and much more sturdy set in beautiful Los Pegasus...!

But...

...I also have some tragic news to report...

In the loss of our Haywaii set...

...We lost our two hosts currently there...

...

...Discord...

...We lost Discord...

...No idea where he went...

As for Queen Chrysalis...

...She's stationed in intensive care for the next few days after many flaming support beams fell on her...

...Pip is MIA, but I have faith he'll return...

Rest assured that the show won't lose pace...

...We're already posting want adds all throughout Equestria and other neighboring lands...

...We have a good idea of who we'll have replace them for a little bit...

...It's temporary, so for those of you who don't like it, take some rest in that fact...

That's all I have to say...

Toodles...

"Once more, you've astounded me. The nature behind this 'bass cannon' seems unreal, but the science holds firm. Bravo. Because of this, though I would normally say no, I am inclined to hear your reasoning behind this -what was it called?- Brinner?"

The New Crew.

This is the new set...

...It's built just like the one I showed you the blueprints for...

...I've also added the ascetics you each asked for and have put up fire retardant support beams and curtains...

I'll let you three settle in now...

...

...Well this won't be so bad...

Yeah...

...quip here, quip there, and we'll be right as rain and on our way out of here in a week...

Just kick back and do our thing...

...If those three could do it before us, we can do this and two, three, five; A, B, G...

I'm not sure that's how it goes...

Potato tomato...

...I get paid either way...

...

So uh...

...Bean-Can...

...You talk much...?

Do not speak to me...

...I am here for the soul reason of payment...

I hear you need all the money you can get...

HAH-HAH-HAH!

THOSE ARE LIES!

Chill Bean-Can...

...Just poking some fun...

Oh right...

...We must think of nicknames for one another...

Well Bean-Can is set...

Stop calling me Bean-Can you philistine...!

I shall refer to you as...

...I'll think of it on the fly...

Cool...

...I'll call you D. Dog...

That's...

...Fine...

Let's get this show on the road!

Agenda.

Alright...

...Who's first on our list...?

...I thought you had it...

No...

...I gave it to you...

And I gave it back because I have nowhere to put it...

Bravo you two...

...Five minutes into our first day and you're already doing a fantastic job...

Don't get your tail in a twist Box-Car...

...We'll just have to call around...

No...

...I have a much better idea...

I'm in need of a good chuckle...

...Do tell...

Our predecessors used to target background ponies as well as the main events...

...Then why haven't I--

Silence...

...The intelligent are talking...

...And seeing I'm the only one who is intelligent...

Shush...

Until they return in who knows when...

...We can break the golden rule...

The golden rule...?

Oh yes...

...We can go to a level they never could go or were willing to go...

...Wait...

...You're not talking about--?

That I am...

...We'll attack...

THE AUDIENCE!

1000 Likes Special: Overlord-Flinx.

Lights search an empty stage as smoke leaks from off the sides, a mysteries tune filling the room with an ominous flux of sound. Suddenly, a fanfare of trumpets erupt and a single, wide screen TV flicks on above the stage.

IT'S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!

Finally, the lights lock in on a single target, a lone stallion wearing a navy green ascot cap stood there, gray coat and all. On his flank he had a simple cutie mark of a quill dipped into a broken ink well.

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

"I'm actually a boy."

Oh yeah...

NOW he wants to change it...

"Sorry..."

You bet you are...

Now let's get this started...

Overlord-Flinx...

...can't spell to save his life...

"I try! I mess up a bit here and there, but it's no biggy, is it?"

A writer who doesn't care about the writing...

...makes me cry...

Overlord-Flinx...

...thinks he IS an overlord...

"Well, no. It's just a pen name... Stupid one, but I've just grown used to it."

Overlord-Flinx...

...is a hypocrite...

"To what degree?"

You know what...

"So what? I still don't like Original Characters! Is that a crime?"

It is...

...Seeing as you have your own...!

"I don't take it seriously like--"

Tell it to someone who cares...

Overlord-Flinx...

...is a failure to his family name...

"Oh yeah? What family name is that?"

The Suckingtons...

"But then doesn't that mean--?"

You're not allowed to rebuke that...

"Makers... Fine."

Overlord-Flinx...

...likes Princess Celestia...

"Well of course I do. She's one of my top ponies."

Overlord-Flinx...

...wants to date Princess Celestia...

"That's absurd! I wouldn't even--"

Still telling it to someone who doesn't care...

Overlord-Flinx...

...thinks trilbies are cool...

"Coolest hat there is. I just don't look good in them... But I do like ascot caps."

Overlord-Flinx...

...is a horrible writer...

"WOAH! Do not start mocking my writing. I'm a great writer."

Oh yeah...?

"Yeah!"

Then why doesn't anyone read your other stories...

"...They're busy...!"

Uh-huh...

"Stories are in the--"

Shhh...

...You're boring the audience...

"No I'm no--"

Zzzzzz...

...zzzz...

"Real mature."

Says the one who writes the scripts...

"Well that's--"

Speaking of which...

We brought a special guest for you...

"Oh yeah? Who? Celestia so you can hammer your point home?"

Close...

With a loud slam, the studio door flung open to reveal an army of ponies and alike standing in the blinding light of the outside world.

"Uhh..."

We've invited EVERYONE you had on your show so they can say ONE thing about you...!

Oh man...

I'm so proud of you little buddy...

I was just workin' off your great plans...

If you two are done...

We'll go in order of guest...

Overlord-Flinx...

...Never passed ANY schooling...

"Skin of my nose... but I DID pass!"

Overlord-Flinx...

...Can afford to bathe...

...He just chooses to smell like a dead skunk...

"I mask it!"

Overlor'-Flins'...

...hoards all his families money...

"I--Well... It's not hoarding exactly..."

Overlord-Flinx...

...Is the meanest person in the entire world...!

"I-I'm not that bad!"

Overlord-Flinx...

...isn't as young as he pretends...

"I'm not young or old... I'm even."

Overlord-Flinx...

...has no class...

"I wouldn't go that far..."

Overlord-Flinx...

...lacks in all realms of 'game'...

"Are you saying I'm not good at video games?"

Overlord-Flinx...

...has no swag...

"HOW DARE YOU!?"

Overlord-Flinx...

...always is done in 10 seconds flat...

...Always...

"H-Hey!"

Overlord-Flinx...

...Meh...

...S'alright...

"With that, I'm getting my only easy one..."

Overlord-Flinx...

...can't produce a skill to pay any bill...

"What? We're going street on me now?"

Overlord-Flinx...

...has romantic feelings for his partner...

"Clever, just repeating my script..."

Overlord-Flinx...

...doesn't know what is love...

...and it hurts him...

...it hurts him...

"No more!"

Overlord-Flinx...

...smells like dog buns...

"Yes, I smell... I get it..."

Overlor'-Flins'...

...cain't' buck fer' nothin'...

"...No comment..."

Overlord-Flinx...

...Who's he...?

"HAH!"

Overlord-Flinx...

...has his mom dress him...

"She only puts the clothes out!"

Overlor'-Flin'...

...ain't got half the cool as Pip or I got...

"Darn you're smooth..."

Overlord-Flinx...

...Is actually a human is disguise...!

"Not here I not..."

Overlord-Flinx...

...doesn't get any...

"I-- Refuse to answer..."

Overlord-Flinx...

...lacks in any sort of musical ability...

"I can play a piano... kinda..."

Overlord-Flinx...

...gross...

"Now that's just rude..."

Overlord-Flinx...

...eww...

"Stop it!"

Overlord-Flinx...

...can't act...

"I'm a great actor!"

Overlord-Flinx...

...s'alright...

...I'd party with him...

"Thank god..."

Overlord-Flinx...

...has poor penmanship...

"PIP!? WHY?!"

Flinx...

...ain't too good...

"Harsh... So very harsh..."

Overlord-Flinx...

...smells like a lynx stuck on the rinks surrounded by pinks...

"I...I...I don't even know how to respond to that!"

Overlord-Flinx...

...hates pies...

"...Is that a bad thing?"

Overlord-Flinx...

...isn't as evil as he could be...

"Thank you?"

Overlord-Flinx...

...Don't know 'em...

...Can't say much...

...I hear he smells...

"Ugh..."

Overlord-Flinx...

...would bend over backwards for this to stop...

"DISCORD WAS RIGHT!"

Overlord is he...

...getting a good grade was always a losing plea...

"I get--Alright grades!"

Over--

GET OUT!

Overlord-Flinx...

...has no special somepony...

"Point to you..."

Overlord-Flinx...

...don't know the difference between nuts and doughnuts...

"One of them isn't good for you... Am I right?"

Overlord-Flinx...

...it would be out of class for me to say anything...

...much like him...

"OW! Low blow!"

Alright...

That's enough...

Slowly, the crowd faded away back into the door they appeared from.

Wasn't that--

"No."

Doesn't matter what you think...

"This is my show!"

It was...

Now to give you your final gift...

"My--NO!"

Once more, the door flung open to show all the ponies there once more; only this time with weapons attached to each of them and their eyes locked on Flinx.

...Get him...

Without warning, Flinx bolted off of the stage with the mob not far behind, screaming for his head.

THERE HE IS!

ROUND 1: Audience.

Alright, alright...

We've got a lot of mares and stallions to get through in this first round, so I want you three ready...

Got it...?

Ready...!

Whatever...

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

On the stage was a rather nerdy looking stallion sporting a brown jacket.

Copy.Data...

Woah...!

What...?!

Copy.Data...

His name is Copy-dot-Data...?

That's what it says on the paper...

"Actually--"

Hush up Dork-a-tron-3000...

Your name is spelled C-O-P-Y period D-A-T-A...?

"On paper, that would be--"

Oh dude...

G-Get out...

"Excuse me?"

You've made me laugh enough...

Oh dude...

Your parents must've HATED you to give you that name...

"Well--"

No, no...

Just go...

You've done enough...

Sure enough the stallion got up and walked off stage, rather put off.

Know your--

WOAH!

TERMINATOR!

Terminator?

No, no...

That's Night Wing of the Lunar Guard...

The winged stallion in the center stage put his dark head up proudly, enjoying that name and title.

...The what...?

Lunar Guard...

...The what...?

It's Luna's personal guard...

...Never heard of it...

Read a book...

Anyway...

Night Wing...

...Is a grunt...

"I am captain of the guard... Not a grunt any more."

...Captain of what guard...?

"Lunar Guard."

...Are you making up titles...?

"It's a real rank and section."

No it's not...

"It clearly is."

What...?

You needed to make up a title to feel good about yourself...?

"It's not a made up title."

Sure it's not...

Night Wing...

...is lord of the pineapples...

"Are you mocking me?"

Noooo...

It's a real title...

"I warn you, I have rank in which you can not even hope to understand."

...Well of course you do...

...I can't understand something you made up...

"I'm out of here," the stallion grumbled before storming off the stage, furrowing his wings.

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

For the first time in a while the stage was treated to two guests at the same time. The two ponies, one a blue pegasi and the other an earth pony, stood close to each other with kind smiles.

Welcome to the show girls...

"Thanks."

"I'm actually a--"

Moving on...!

Boxy Brown--

"It's Boxie Gloves... But Boxy Brown sounds kinda cool."

...is a sadist...

"Yeah I'm a-- What's a Sadist, Sugar?"

"It's you."

"That's not an answer," with that, Boxie smacked Sugar atop his head, getting an odd groan from the Earth pony.

Yeah...

...But it's a good thing Sugar is a masochist...

"Maso-what?"

"It means--"

Family show people...

...Family show...

"You see? Now we're in trouble!" This time around, Boxie nailed Sugar right in his nose with a firm hoof; once more this gained an odd groan.

Alright...

...Better cut to the next before we need to put an adult rating on this show...

"It feels so--"

Yeah...

...Let's hurry that up...

Fair enough start...

...But I expect more guests next time around...

...But I also understand the use of a good start up...

...Carry on...

ROUND T--- Oh boy...

Know your mare, know your ma--

What is this?

Uh...

Well...

It's a pleasure--

No no...

Don't try to get away from my question...

What is this...?

Well...

You three were gone...

Oh...

...I see how it is now...

I disappear for three months and suddenly I'm replaced...

Three months is a long--

Zip your lip, Carny...

'Carny'?

This is my show...

I don't care what the boss says...

You three can't take this show...

You don't have what it takes...

Look at you three...

You're three ponies...!

We're a Changeling, a being of chaos, and a colt...

We're diverse!

You can't replace us...!

You ain't got nothing on us...!

Well...

That's all well and good...

...But we have a contract...

Do you...?

...Well let me tell you a little poem then...

'Roses are red'...

'Violets are blue'...

'I don't give a BUCK about your papers'...!

'So get out and make way for my crew'...!

Suddenly, the darkness flashed bright and three holes were made in the ceiling as three mares were flung out into the air above.

...I'll let them come back when the boss starts wondering where that audience episode is...

...Until then...

We're back kiddies...

Welcome back Boys... And Queeny.

Know your mare...

Feel good to be home...

...Home being -you know- relative since we upgraded to one...

...Then burned down the last one...

...And this is the first time I've been to this one...

But it's still home...

All that's missing is--

Before the thought could finish, a bright light filled the room along with a slowly creeping shadow with a few holes in it.

Queeny!

You're alive!

Five seconds in and I'm already regretting this...

Keep up your icy attitude, you beautiful harpy you...

It's why I love ya'...

...How're your legs...?

Fair...

...The burns will be coming down in about a week...

...However I was told to not expel any flames from my body in fear of reopening the burns...

So you can't get angry...?

Not at all...

...It only means that I must be more constructive as well as creative with my rage...

Great!

Now all we need now is--

Once more, a bright light filled the stage as a small form took to the center of it. This time, Discord was left without words as his eyes went to look at the small form standing there, returning the look with its own wide eyes.

...Blank...?

"Cap'n!" Discord abandoned the cover the hosts used as he broke onto the stage, running towards the little colt that was running towards him in return.

"Blank!"

"Cap'n!" Discord fell to one of his knees and put his odd arms out as Pip jumped into the air and tackled himself into Discord's chest, cuddling deeply against him as the two wept with joy.

"I'll be there to care through all the lows..."

"And I'll be there ta' share the 'ighs..."

...I...

...Cannot form anything against this...

It's love...

...Between two guys...

There's nothing gay about it in our eyes...

When did you two get back in here?!

Just like ol' times...

PRACTICE ROUND: Spike.

Are you sure he's ready...?

Listen--

I don't think he's ready...

...He can't do this...

I'm calling it off...

Just let him try you twit...

But...

This is for his own good...

Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...

"...I hear only one of you. Where's the other two?"

Bu'y...

...I mean busy...

So I'll be doing you all by me--myself...

"Uh-huh..."

What...?

I can do it...

"I didn't say anything."

Spike...

...switches Twilight's books around when she isn't looking...

"Why would I do that?"

Why would you do that...?

"I don't do it."

But I just said you did...

"Then you're lying."

Children don't lie...

"Yes they do."

They do...?

"Yeah."

Aren't you a child...?

"Well--"

So maybe you're lying right now about me lying about some lie you lied about...

"I-- Wha?"

Spike...

...Helps Trixie rob tip jars...

"Once! The service wasn't-- Wait.. I'm not saying any more."

Yes you will...

"No I won't."

See...?

you just did...

"You made me say that to answer you!"

Why do you keep lying...?

You said you weren't going to say any more...

"But I--"

Liar liar, scales on fire...

"Ah--"

Spike...

...has 'The Sultry Argonian Bard' under his bed...

"Oh now that's a lie!"

Is it...?