“I swear to whatever gods are listening, that I will never make fun of hobbits again.” I panted as I tried to catch my breath. The journey across the cursed land of Mordor, sneaking past orc patrols, and finally climbing Mount Doom had taken every ounce of energy and determination this body had. I used to think of the little bastards as gay couch potatoes, and often make fun of how I had seen them in movies. Now, I had a newfound respect for what Frodo and Sam went through to reach their goal.

My everything hurt. The very air burned with every ragged breath I took, both from the sheer heat coming from below, and the cracked ribs I had sustained falling into an abandoned lava tube. I hadn’t eaten in over a day, and the last of the water was gone hours ago. Bandages and bruises covered most of my body, and it was only sheer willpower that kept me from passing out. This was not going to end well, but at last, it was going to end!

My goal was in sight, as the dull glow of the magma far below lit the cavern above me. Heat and fatigue painted the world in a kaleidoscope of distorted imagery as I continued my trek onwards. Just a few more feet, and I could toss this damn thing into the cleansing fires, and be free at last. I hoped. It worked for the One Ring, so why wouldn't it work for my own cursed artifact?

Suddenly I heard it. A dull scrape, and a slight wheezing. My blood ran cold, as fear gripped me. No! I was so close. Too close to lose now. I hobbled faster, pushing my broken body well past it’s limits as the edge of the pit opened before me. I heard a low growl, and foolishly turned to look behind me. My heart skipped a beat as the dark shape of my antagonist framed the entrance, before darting forward with lightening speed. The Uruk-Hai had been tracking me up the mountain for over a day, and now he found me as I was so close to my goal. His dire wolf mount howled with delight as they closed on me, and I knew I had seconds to finish my task.

Summoning the last of my strength, I bolted for the edge, turning only as I felt my food touch open air. I felt the weightlessness grip me for a moment, before pain erupted in my chest, as the wolf slammed into me as we all went over the edge. I smiled despite my pain, knowing this would finally be the last time, and that even death would not stop me from going home again.

And then I felt it. The static charge, the heat from my chest, the squeezing tightness like I was deep underwater, making my ears pop. I looked down to see the accursed object of my torture glowing. I had miscalculated, and now it was about to take from me my victory.

“No, nonono! Not now, I was so close!” I screamed into the abyss.

“Yes morsssel! We both die!” Growled the beast on top of me, as his mount tried to bite at my throat.

“Nope. Just you, ya ugly bastard!” I yelled in defiance, as the world went sideways, and I jumped again.

Oh, wait, I got ahead of myself didn't I? Time for a little expository backstory. Grab a drink, it’’s a doozy! No, go ahead, I’ll wait.

Life was good. I was fresh out of college, a career ahead of me, my girl moving in with me, and about to pay off my car. I had friends, I had money (well, my parents had money), and it was time to celebrate. Five bars, six hours, and uncountable drinks later, most of my friends had either staggered home, or passed out somewhere. While not as epic as the pub crawl in a movie I had seen, it was still pretty damn epic, and there was only one more stop before sunrise. My girl had long ago had her friends take her home to sleep, and it was just me and my best friend at the end of the road.

“You sure this is the place?” At least that's what I heard in my head. I’m sure it came out more like “Dafuq dish shithole?”

My friend, Cho, fortunately was fluent in Drunkanese. He also spoke seven other languages, not a damn one I could make any sense of.

“Ya, my gramps told me bout this place. Real old chinese hoodoo shit. he buys his medicines from this old fart from the old country. Says he’s like a million years old, ‘n shit.” Leaning against a nearby wall, my friend grinned at me, and squinted. Well more than normal.

“And he sell some super chinese energy drink?” I felt the world swaying as I stood perfectly still, and eyed the sign before us. It was all dark and creepy, in some chinese shit I couldn't read. It reminded me of the shop in Gremlins, where the dad found the Mogwai.

“Yesh! He sez it either make you strong, or crazy. Or mebbe crazy strong!” He grinned stupidly at me, and I punched him in the arm.

“Well then, mebbe your skinny, egghead ass can keep up with me after this!” I laughed and made my way inside.

Inside the shop was much like I imagined, with jars and covered cages everywhere. Bottles of every color sat on shelves, all labeled in chinese. It was all surprisingly clean, and well lit, making me feel like I was in a museum, and I did my best not to drunkenly stumble into anything. Towards the back was our goal, a small wooden bar with red cushions to sit on. We both made our way over and had a seat, as the curtains ruffled behind the bar. I heard a voice call something in chinese, looked at my friend for a translation.

“He says he will be right with us.” My friend grinned back.

“So should I order the sushi?”

“Sushi is japanese, dumbass. Besides, we are here for drinks.” I just rolled my eyes. Cho was so damn easy to tease, and very proud of his heritage.

“Oh, you are american! Very rare that any but chinese come to my shop.” An old man, looking right out of kung-fu theater parted the bead curtain. He looked old as time, with bushy white eyebrows and s pointy goatee on the ocean of wrinkles that was his face. The most striking feature, however, was his eyes. One was wide open, and looked to be jaundiced yellow, while the other was squinted almost closed. Even stranger was, I could swear that whenever he blinked, the open eye switched places.

“So what can I get you gentlemen?” He blinked again, and the eyes switched. I was sure of it this time.

Cho rattled off something in chinese, and the old man responded with a surprised retort. They argued back and forth for a moment, before a creepy smile made it’s way across the old man’s face, revealing crooked teeth, and one overgrown incisor.

“Very well.” He stepped back through the curtain, humming something to himself. I smelled strange incense, and heard some popping noises, followed by a flash of light. Finally he came back, with two shot glasses on an ornate golden tray. Setting them before us, he paused to place a third cup, and fill it with tea from a kettle he somehow pulled from the arm of his robe.

“Bad luck to drink alone.” he commented at my look.

We all reached for our glasses, and I saw that under Cho and my glass was a golden coin, covered in writing. I looked at Cho, and he just shrugged.

“A gift, and a blessing.” the old man replied, and grinned that snaggletooth smile again. Raising his own cup, he intoned, “May you live in interesting times.”

“Isn't that also an old chinese curse?” I pondered, as I peered into the shotglass in my hand. Strange rainbow layers seemed to churn and flow without the colors ever blending.

“I guess it depends on who you ask, and what you consider ‘Interesting’.” Holding his cup out, we all tapped classes, and then drank.

It was actually pretty good. It reminded me of the old “suicide” snowballs I used to order as a kid. One shot of every flavor. It was disgusting, but yummy. I didn't feel much different, and I certainly didn't taste any alcohol. In fact, I seemed to be sobering up faster than normal, and the room was swaying much less.

“So, now what?” I looked over at Cho, who was staring straight ahead, a look of shock on his face. He was holding the coin up, staring at it. “What’s up? Something wrong?” He just slowly nodded, never taking his eyes off the golden coin.

I turned to ask our host what was going on, and froze. Now that the alcohol was rapidly burning out of my system, I could more clearly see his face. It had grown longer, and bushier. What I had taken for some costume piece now looked like a set of mismatched horns, and the snaggle tooth was now a large fang. It went well with the massive grin that was on his face as both eyes suddenly opened. Still mismatched, still yellow, and yet now with bright red irises.

“What the fuck?” I gasped.

“Hohoho! And now you get to go on an amazing adventure, my young friend! And as you asked, you will be made stronger for it.” He leaned back, and I saw a pair of mismatched wings unfold behind him, while his hands slid out of his sleeves to reveal an equally mismatched pair of animal claws. “You have a nice trip now, mmmkay? We will meet again, when it’s all over.” He waved happily to me with one great lion paw, as he snapped the fingers on his opposite eagle talon.

And suddenly, the world went sideways.

Pink. So much pink. Why the bloody hell is everything pink? And why can’t I move? “Oh just fucking great, I’m inside another corpse! Or wait, I can feel a heartbeat... Dammit! I’m in a cripple!”

“Who said that? It sounded like a stallion!” I heard a female voice question. “Are you making funny voices again, Surprize?”

“What? It wasn't me!” another voice chimed in, this one a bit higher pitched, and sounding much more excited. I tried to turn my head, but the body I was in refused to obey me. I felt the eyes blink, and refocused on a large tuft of bright pink hair hanging down in front of my face.

“Help! I’m trapped and can't move!” I cried. Or at least, I tried to cry out, only resulting in giving myself a headache.

“Owie! Not so loud! We can all hear you just fine.” A third voice chimed in, this one deeper and more sedate. “Just great, if it wasn't already crowded in here. Girls, I think we have a newcomer.”

“Ohh! A new one? And this one is a colt too! Yay, I always wanted to pretend to be a colt, and be all manly, with stubble on my chin, and walking funny in the morning as the fillies swoon over my swagger...” The excitable one babbled on again.

“Yes, Surprize, we know you are a closet lesbian, that’s why we don't let you out on dates.” The somber one interrupted, thankfully.

“What the fuck? Where am I? Why can’t I see you girls?” I started to panic. It wasn't my first time being haunted by voices. In one jump, I was actually haunted by the ghost of my host body, who had just died before I popped in. At least that time I could move my body, however, although being stuck in an animated corpse was decidedly not fun. Damn zombie worlds.

“You’re new at this, aren't you? Look up and to your left a little!” the first voice returned, and I felt the body blink again. Mentally trying to calm myself, I imagined looking up and to my left, as if trying to think up a new idea. Suddenly I saw them, two pink creatures, one bright and the other a darker shade. Floating above them was a white one, with golden hair, all with rounded faces and giant blue eyes. I mentally blinked, and shook my head, but the image remained, like a dream stuck in my head after waking.

“What the hell is going on? Who are you? What are you?” I tried again to run away, but the body still refused to respond. I could feel it working, as the lungs brought in air, and the twitch of a pulse revealed a beating heart. I could even feel the warmth of something against my skin.

“Welcome to my head, silly! You are my new secret friend!” The one with the first voice I had heard spoke up. She looked like a color swap of the white creature, with poofy hair and a big smile. She lacked the wings of the blond one though. The third one had a much smaller smile, looking more like a smirk, and her hair was straight and lifeless. It was strange, seeing them like this. It felt like I was looking into a rear view mirror in a car at creatures sitting in the back seat.

“I’m in your head? What kind of world is this? Is it another computer sim world?” I remembered the one world where I was stuck as a program in a machine. There were many others like me, and we each took turn controlling the cybernetic creature we worked inside. Definitely one of my stranger hops.

“I’m Pinkie Pie! These are the other me’s, Surprize, and Pinkamina.” Each waved as they were named. “You are the new voice in my head, and we all live in Ponyville. Although, I’m not really sure who you are, or how you got here. Usually we can read each other if we try, and know all about each other, but I can't read you.” Rubbing her chin with.. wait, was that a hoof? The other girls nodded in agreement.

“I’m not really sure what you are either. I mean, I used to have some strange imaginary friends when I was a filly, but you are weirder than them, and they were never really in my head.” She shrugged.

“Ooh! So you know what that means?” Surprize started bouncing and hovering in the air.

“Yes, Surprize. We all know about your latent homosexual desires. Give it a rest.” Pinkamina grumbled, rolling her eyes.

“What? NO! I meant that we can all throw a party to welcome our new secret friend! Oh, and he can tell us stories about himself, and we can learn who he is instead of sucking it out of his head and knowing it automagically!” I mentally blinked, yes that is possible, and stared at the hyperactive creature as she bounce-hover-flipped in the air with her wings. The others rolled their eyes.

“Surprize, you don't even have anything in your head to suck out.” Pinkamina drolled.

“She does have a good idea though. it will be like making a new friend, but in our head!” Pinkie Pie bounced, much like Surprize, but without the hovering.

“Hi! I’m Pinkie Pie, although they sometimes call me Pinkie Prime.” She frowned a moment, and then it was gone. “I’m the original. Surprize is the pegasus over there. She is the fun crazy one, and helps us plan all of our parties! Watch out though, because she’s also a master prankster.” Surprize stuck her tongue out at me in response.

“The dark one is Pinkamina. She is the smart one, and keeps us from doing really stupid stuff. Although, we don’t always listen, and she makes sure to not let us forget it.” Pinkamina just nodded in response.

“And what are you?” I pondered.

“We’re ponies!” they all chorused.

“Ugh, I’m in a cartoon world, aren’t I? You don’t look anything like ponies I’ve seen before. Ponies are all short, shaggy, and alot more horse-like.” This got some confused looks.

“Well we assure you, in this world, this is what ponies look like. The question remains, who and what are you?” Pinkamina cocked an eyebrow at me, and the others just nodded in agreement.

“My name is Inigo Montoya. I have been many things, but I was originally a human. I’m stuck hopping from world to world, always stuck in the form of a local, although I usually have control of the body.” I shrugged, giving a bit of truth, mixed with a lie. Not my real name of course; I learned the hard way that a real name can sometimes give others power over you. Spend a dozen years trapped in a lamp, and you become a bit more cautious.

“Ooh, the Spaniard? I love that story!” Surprize bounced around on her back hooves, making swishing noises with a sword. Where she got a sword, I have no idea. Then again, we are in a head, so it probably WAS an idea. Literally. The other two just stared at her in confusion, until she noticed and stopped, laughing nervously and tossing the sword aside.

“Sorry, she does that. She does have a point though. Inigo isn't your real name, is it?” Again, the straight face and the raised eyebrow. Damn, smart chicks could be a pain.

“Well damn, I’m surprised that you heard of that story. It was from my original world, and unfortunately I haven't landed in that story world yet.” I shrugged, but still did not give my real name, hoping they would let the matter drop.

“Well, to tell the truth, we didn’t know the story, but somehow she does, which means now we do. Surprize can sometimes know things that nopony else does, but none of us know why.” Pinkie shrugged.

“How long has she been like this, Dash?” I suddenly heard a new voice. I blinked and refocused my mind to see what was going on outside the body, and saw a blue blur waving around.

“I dunno Twi. I flew by and saw her staring into space like this. I dropped in to say hi, but she hasn't moved a muscle in over twenty minutes!” Another voice responded, a bit more gruffly.

“Holy horseapples! Who’s at the helm?” Pinkie Pie cried out.

“I thought you were, Pinkie! Remember, I got to party last night, so today was your day to run around. Hurry, before Twilight casts something on us, or Dashie thinks we are possessed, or they get Zecora to pour a potion on us, or... mmmph!” I heard Surprize get interrupted, and Pinkamina sigh heavily.

“Get to it, Pinkie.”

“On it, Cap’n!”

“Oh, hiya Twilight, hiya Dashie! Are you guys here to look at the, uhh... flowers too? They are just so awesomely pretty this time of year!” I heard Pinkie’s voice coming from outside our head, and felt the world a bit more acutely. My sight cleared, as my eyes focused on the two ponies before me, and a kaleidoscope of color assaulted my vision. One was several shades of purple and pink, sporting a horn on her head, while the other was light blue with an impossible rainbow of color flowing off her head and tail. Additionally, I could see wings on her back like Surprize.

“Uhh, Pinkie, those aren't flowers. I think you were staring at a rock.” the purple one responded, rolling her eyes.

“Yea, Pinks, you had me kinda worried there. You were acting kinda weird, even for you.” rainbow hair chimed in.

“Oh, silly me! You would think I would know what a rock looks like, growing up on a rock farm and all. I guess I just got a bit distracted, and lost in my thoughts.” a grin spread across my face, and I wanted to chuckle at the horrible acting that I was being subjected to.

“You have thoughts? I thought it was all balloons and streamers in your head!” The blue mare snickered, before getting kicked by her friend.

“Rainbow Dash, that is not nice! We both know Pinkie is a very smart and thoughtful mare, even if she is a little.. random.” Twi chastised the other pony.

“Aww relax Twilight. She knows I’m just pullin her chain. We cool, right Pinkie Pie?” Rainbow Dash held out a hoof, and I felt Pinkie bump it with her own.

“Yupperooni! We are BPFFs! And my head is usually full of balloons, and streamers. Oh, and cupcakes, and parties, and frosting! Mmmmm... Creamy frosting!” I felt warm drool drip down my face as my eyes unfocused. Mentally, me and the others were laughing our asses off at the performance Pinkie was putting on. If she acted this weird all the time, it was no wonder her friends didn't know she was crazy.

“Hey! We are not crazy!” Surprize pouted.

“Oops, you heard that?” I cringed.

“Technically, we are crazy. Dissociative Identity Disorder is a well documented psychological condition and would most likely have us committed, and well medicated if anypony found out. So we hide it. And yes, when you project out loud like that, we can hear you loud and clear. Rule one of multiple personalities: They can hear you just fine without talking, so keep your mouth shut.” Pinkamina gave me a reproachful glare, and I mentally blushed.

“Oh, uh... sorry?” I looked back to the action.

“Well if you are sure you are okay, I’ll see you tonight at the slumber party.” Twilight was pulling away from a hug, as Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes.

“Ehh, I may be there too. Gotta check my work schedule for tomorrow.” Dash shrugged, before launching herself into the air.

“Typical Dash. You know she has been looking forward to this all week. Would it hurt her to admit she likes hanging out with her friends and acting like a filly for once?” Twilight chuckled and rolled her eyes. She had pretty purple eyes. Wait, where did that thought come from?

“Yes, she does...” Surprize smiled, her own eyes half lidded, and a goofy grin on her face. “Oh, sorry. That was me.”

“Creepy. Please don’t do that again. It’s gonna be hard enough sharing a body without sharing a mind.” I sighed. This must be my punishment for all those brains I ate as a zombie. Karma is a bitch.

“Oh no, the party! We almost forgot about it! Quick, we need to get home and prepare.” Surprize squealed.

“I gotta get home now, Twilight. Party planning of this magnitude takes some serious effort. I’ll see you tonight!” Pinkie grinned and started to bounce off. Yes, she literally bounced as she moved, like a cartoon tiger.

“But Pinkie, I already have the party planned out!” I heard Twilight call out as I moved away, but Pinkie wasn't listening, and ignored it. And off we went to our new home.

Well, it was new to me.

Author's Notes:

Human in Equestria is so overdone. Let's have Human in Pinkie Pie instead!

What? EEW! Get your mind out of the gutter! Where else am I gonna sleep?