I had the nicest dream... I was chasing cake...

"Mmmm"

What? My eyes snap open and I realize I had somehow gotten into Ribbons bed, and was now snuggling her like a plushie... she's soooo... "fluffyyyy..."

Ribbon seems to jolt, before she inhales sharply. "AHHHHH! What are you doing in my bedroom?!" And leaps out of the bed.

I look around, still half asleep, and holding my hooves in front me for emphasis, give her the only explanation I can think of. "Shark week." The deuce did I just say!? I shake my head back and forth, before giving an actual answer. "Did I sleepwalk again?"

"Apparently. Now get out! Getoutgetoutgetout!" She frantically points at the door.

"I'm going, I'm goin- oh hey Scoots." Walking out the door I saw a snickering Scootaloo. She goes and peeks in Ribbons room and begins snickering even louder.

Screw this, I want my coffee. Going down the stairs, I head for the kitchen, thinking about how hectic my first week in Ponyville had been.

It has been a nice week though, especially when Luna came to town. I mean, she broke down laughing when the one pony not afraid of her screamed like a bitch at the sight of Sweetie Belle (if I had known her name sooner, I would have tried to convince Rarity to make her a taco costume, get it, Taco Belle?), as I would later find out, before hiding behind the Princess and begging for her to 'save me from the demonic banshee marshmallow!'

... yeah, that was me. On the bright side nobody could remain scared of Luna after that, not even Fluttershy.

That sisterhooves social was fun as well, I broke down laughing when Sweetie found out it was RARITY who crawled out of the mudhole, it must have taken a tactical guiness to pul- nope, dead joke is dead, not pulling it.

Now when Applebloom got 'Cutie Pox' I was just plain futhermucking confused. Thank god Zecora knew how to cure it.

Oh yes, and there was that time I was invited to Rarity's, because she wanted to do something to make up for scaring me so badly, so she made toast... in a cup. Still better then what happened to me that one time, because she was impressed when I told her how 'I somehow created a self aware peanut butter sandwich, that rambled on about the secrets of life, and exploded, INTO NUTELLA, right before it could tell me the REAL meaning of life, the universe, and everything...'

...

Don't ask... it happened during a monday.

*poke* I felt a hoof prodding me.

"Huh?" Scootaloo had interrupted my reflections on the last week..

"Rainbow Dash is organizing some kind of race to find a good pet for her!"

"God... Dammit... Rainbow..." donning my Night Sight identity, I head out to find her, and tell Scootaloo to stay with Ribbon, knowing this will likely end in stupid.

Walking to the town square, I over hear Rainbow talking to Twilight. "... and that is why you could never be my pet."

"Kinky..." and of course they both squeak and blush. "You know you want to..." and yes, I said that in as husky a voice as I could.

Twilight facehoofs. "Why Faust? Whyyy is this myyyyy liiiiiife?!?"

Rainbow promptly flies off, starting the race, as she more than likely doesn't want any further embarrassment.

I turn to the others. "I'm gonna follow her and make sure she doesn't do something stupid. Okay?" The five of them nod. As well as several other of the gathered ponies. With that I take off,still a bit unsteady in flight.

Following the rainbow trail, I was flying over the Everfree before I lost sight of it.

*Thwack!* the sound of flesh impacting wood at a high velocity, followed by a roar. Fuck, she probably pissed something off.

Heading in the direction of the noise, I find a manticore attacking something. Dive bombing it, I discovered that it was not attacking rainbow, but a bunch of wooden wolves, and had just finished the last one off.

*sniff* shit, its got my scent, and it looks HUNGRY. Can't leave, it would just follow me. Guess I have to fight it.

Landing, and drawing Akumu, I stare it in the ey-

*THUNK* WOAH! Note to self: tail is fast! That was too close for comfort, that things got way too much mass to parry when I'm this sma- Derp.

Returning to my alicorn form, I shifted Akumu from my mouth to my telekinesis.

It pulls its tail from the ground, and tries again.

*CLANG!* soooo glad I took up sparring with Courage. What? No I'm not going to kill it, that would make Fluttershy cry, and for some reason even thinking about that make me feel like a heartless bastard. "You're one ugly mother fucker..." OHSHI-

It swings its paw at me, knocking me into a tree... Fucker just pissed me off... Oh... I just had a brilliant idea.

Focus on a sound instead of a shape, I felt a tingle in my throat, before coughing up a bit of miasma. Well I think it worked...

The manticore chose to roar in my face... I roared back, doing a perfect imitation of the T-Rex in Jurassic Park. The manticore's mood went from angry to scared in a tenth of a second, before bolting like the pussy it was. God that hurts my throat, i'm gonna need to work on that. Now that it had fled, I resumed my disguise and resheathed Akumu.

*wimper...* eh? Watching as the body of one of the wooden wolves shifted, something crawled out from under it...

Incredibly. Conflicted. So. Cute. Yet. So. Badass. Wait, does this make me a treehugger?

A puppy version of one of those wooden wolves, this one looking like it was made of oak, MOTHERFUCKING OAK, looked me in the eyes, before hesitantly walking up to me and sniffing at my hoof.

"Yip! Yip!" It started wagging it's tail. I think it likes me... picking up the poor guy, I put him on my back, before trotting back towards Ponyville.

Nothing of significance happened on the walk back, other then seeing Rainbow being carried by a tortoise... wait, what?

Emerging from the forest, i notice Ribbon and Scootaloo had joined the crowd, I attempt to catch everyones attention. "I'm baaaaack!" Everyone stared at the pup on my back. Ribbon pointed at it.

"Uhhh Night, what's that?"

"Oh, you mean Gary?"

Rarity blinked. "It's name is 'Gary'?"

I snicker. "I was gonna call him Woody but that would have been too obvious."

Derpy pipes up. "I get it!"

Applejack shook her head. "And why is that varmin ridin' on your back?"

I give her a deadpan stare. "Do you even sympathy A.J? Por guys entire pack was wiped out by a manticore!"

Shy seems to perk up. "But their so violent, and wild." Isn't that every COD player in a nutshell?

At least someone gets it. "Kinda like me, no?"

"How are you going to feed him? he's a carnivore." Derp...

"You're friends with a BEAR Fluttershy, of course you would know where to find food." Not only is she friends with it, SHE WRESTLED IT.

"B-but Mr. Bear gets his own food." Piss, what do I do now? Its not like there's a griifon here I can moo-

I turn to Twilight. "You wouldn't happen to know if there is a restaurant that caters to griffins here would you?" Please know a place...

"I don't but Rainbow might." Oh right, Rainbow was friends with one. Albit from what I've heard, Gilda was an asshole of the highest magnitude.

Rainbow nods. "There was the one that Gilda went to, it might." Score!

"Lead on, I'll see if I can't buy the parts they don't use off them cheap." Seriosy, restraunt will gladly give you the parts they don't use for dirt cheap.

Following Rainbow, Gary still happily riding on my back, we eventually reach an out of the way place called the Buckbeak Diner. "Yeah, this is the place."

Walking in, I was stared at by a few griffins, mumbling things like 'A thestral with a pet timberwolf, now I've seen everything.' Or 'What is tiny pony bat doing here?' Wait, that sounded quite Russian, does that mean they have vodka? I will have to come back here and see if they serve vodka. Because vodka is second only to bacon...

I walk up to the counter, and the waiter stares at me. "Pardon me ma'am, but you do realize we only serve meat here, correct?" Wow, French accents to? They must have both ends of the scale here, cheap vodka, and fine wine. I'm really starting to like these guys...

"Yeah, I know, I was looking for some to feed my buddy Gary here." I motion to Gary. "And was wondering if I could buy the parts you don't use in meals off you talons?" Judging by the impressed look in his eyes, I used the correct terminology.

He goes around back to get something and brings a sack of- no way, is that pig belly?! "Pony, you're saving me money just by taking this stuff of my talons, nogriffin wants this stuff, too much fat. Take it." Mah god, I can make bacon... he notices how I stare at it hungrily.

"Ah, you more than likely didn't know, but thestrals are fully capable of eating meat, they just don't NEED to eat it, and so avoid it out of peer pressure." I give him a fanged grin, and nod. "Your kindness shall not be forgotten, comrade." Before grabbing the sack, and leaving him twenty bits anyway.

I walk out of the diner with a massive grin on my face. Dash seems a bit apprehensive about it. "Okay... you should not be that happy from getting meat..."

Quick, think up some bullshit. "Because these griffins actually have some culture unlike that asshat Gilda you mentioned." Rainbow seems to buy it. "Well, see yah." Taking to the air, I flew to Ribbon's, Gary sticking his head over my shoulder and letting his tongue flap in the wind.

Landing, I pushed the door open with my head, before letting Gary hop off. Grabbing yesterdays newspaper, I set it on the floor before dropping a piece of pork on it, Gary ripping into it.

Now, bacon.

Heading to the kitchen, i began. Grabbing a large piece, I cut it into strips, smothering them in salt, before plopping them in a frying pan, my anticipation rising as they sizzled.

I hear the door opening, followed by sniffing and a soft moan. "Mmmm, What is that? Chi, is that you cooking?!"

"Yes, its me, and you are smelling the ultimate American meal... bacon!"

"Bacon?"

"Yeah bacon! Can you believe the griffons don't know about this!?"

Ribbon walks in, and spots the meat bag. "You're going to eat that too?"

HERSAY! THE HERETIC MUST BE PURGED! My voice goes flat. "One does not simply question bacon."

She stares. "... You're creepy when your happy. C-could I have some of t-that?"

I grab a few strips and drop them on a plate, before handing t to her. "Here, go ahead."

"O-ok." I see a brief flash of green flames in her mouth, revealing her fangs. She takes a bite out of a strip and shudders in ecstasy. "It's good..."

Did I mention that bacon is to me, as ramen is to Naruto? Yeah, I basically worship bacon. More Bacon for the Bacon God!

"So, when do you think we should schedule the next meeting?"

"In a few days from now, I'll be finishing my order for the month, unless another one comes in. I swear, Derpy is the one reason I stay in business."

"I feel sorry for Ponyville if CMC Mailmares happens." No seriously, the level of destruction that could cause is scary.

"I'd probably be the only happy pony in Ponyville." No shit. to mention rich.

"Would there even be a Ponyville after that?" I have absolutely no idea.

"I'm not sure if there would be an Equestria after that." She begins laughing.

Something occurs to me, and I begin laughing. "oh god, CMC draconess slayers, just picture it!" I doubt even /b/ could be that chaotic.

"That would be funny, and I'm sure Discord would have a blast. Hey, what happened to him anyways?" All I know is that he now is terrified by kittens.

"You mean before or after I bucked him in the nads hard enough to cause a sonic boom?"

I heard Gary whimper. Ribbon winces. Yeah, I think that has become one of those things that will ALWAYS get a reaction.

"Uh, after."

"Last I heard,you can still hear the whimpers of pain coming from his statue."

"Whoo-hoo!" Suddenly Gary comes running through the kitchen, with Scootaloo riding on his back, before vaulting over the table, between me and Ribbon, and running back out. Oh how I miss being young...

Ribbon appears to be trying to decide on something. Upon finally working up the courage, she asks, "I've been wondering, why is your train of thought sometimes incredibly violent like a minotors instead of a ponies? It can actually be a b-bit unnerving..." she seems to flinch, as if expecting to be hit. That wounds me Ribbon, that really wounds me that you would think such a thing.

*sigh* how do I explain this? "War..." this can only end badly.

"B-but the last war hasn't been for hundreds of years!?" Equestria, I envy you.

"Where I'm from, it hard to tell where one war ends, and the next begins... War, war has given birth to monstrosities, weapons of immense power..." the scientists who created these monstrosities also were shocked by their power.

Ribbon seemed skeptical. "I doubt any weapon could cause more damage than a rampaging dragon, or even take one out for the matter..."

"Conventional weapons, you'd be right. Nuclear however..." this is what makes me be ashamed to be American.

"W-w-what's a nuclear weapon?" She just had to ask.

"A monument to humanity's sins, something that would vaporize Canterlot entirely, reducing the surrounding area to rubble, as well as rendering most of Equestria uninhabitable from radiation... We bastardized the force of the very thing that gives us life, and turned it into an instrument of death..." I refuse to go into further detail, and MAYBE Celestia would know what I'm talking about, as she apparently moves the giant nuclear furnace known as the sun around.

Ribbon was in absolute terror. "W-w-why would p-p-ponies m-m-make something like t-t-that!?!" She was staring at me in fear.

"'Peace through superior firepower,' and eventually mutually assured destruction on a planetary scale, irradiating the entire planet and throwing into an everlasting winter..." and this isn't even touching bioweapons...

"Wh-wh-why would ponies want something like that? Why can't they try peace?" I wish we could, Ribs, I really wish we could.

"Unlike ponies, humanity is an omnivorous, leaning towards carnivorous, species, meaning violence come instinctually to us. All we really are are monsters that have deluded ourselves into thinking we are civilized. I still feel ashamed to have been a part of that cycle of bloodshed..." I can't help but rest my head on the table and sigh, trying to force back down a certain memory of my time in the military that I never want to see the light of day again...

I'm sorry Maria, I just wasn't fast enough... I refuse to let the same fate befall Ribbon. I would rather face Death then let it happen again...

"Chi? Are you okay? You suddenly seem really depressed..." I look up to her, and see a extremely concerned look on her face.

"Just memories of events better left forgotten..." she doesn't need to know yet. Getting up, I wander towards the couch, my energy having left me. "I'm going to sleep..."

Plopping myself on the couch, I curled up into a ball, letting sleep claim me...

"let her go you basterds!"

"Just go! Go without me!"

"No! I refuse to leav-"

CRASH

"We've breeched thedoor, I re-"

BANG!

"MARIA!"

"No..." it's been a very long time since I've had that nightmare...

Hearing the sound of Ribbon coming down the stairs, I curled up even tighter, not wanting to show weakness...

"Chi? Are you okay? I heard crying..." she was concerned for me, like Maria was...

"J-j-just go a-a-away!" My sorrow was evident, as I was on the verge of a complete breakdown, my body was trembling uncontrollably as I was wracked with grief. Ribbon had walked over to me. "Why Maria, why couldn't it have been me instea-a-ad!" At this point, I had broken down into a sobbing wreck.

*SMACK* pain shot through my cheek. "Get ahold of yourself, Chi!" Ribbon grabbed and held my face inches from hers. "This couldn't possibly be what she wanted! Live your life, Faustdammit! You don't net to forget, but you do need to accept that what's happened has happened!" She was panting rather loudly, while I was staring in shock at how aggressive she had suddenly become. She seemed to have realized this as well as she suddenly panicked. "O-oh Faust, i-i-i didn't m-mean f-for it to co-" her frantic apology was interrupted by me pulling her onto the couch and into a hug.

"N-no you're right. She wouldn't want me to keep mourning her years after it had happened, she would want me to find resolve, a purpose, in it, to drive me forward with conviction." After a couple minutes of silence, I heard a light snoring coming from Ribbon. Finding solace in the steady rising and falling of her breath, I joined her.

I was in some kind of cave network, the walls coated in some kind of green film.

"Now then 2-27, I've finally found you..." a voice, multi toned and rather displeased, echoed through the tunnels. Wait... 2-27? Isn't that Ribbons designation?

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" Holy fuck, Ribbon! Bolting in the direction I heard the sound from, I could hear the voice monologuing about something.

"Now you're going to tell me where your little pony friends are, and then maybe, I'll grant you a swift death..." more screams of pain rung out. My rage was boiling over...

yes... kill them...

Upon reaching the source, I saw an alicorn sized changeling, i'm assuming it's Chrysalis, standing over Ribbon, who had been adhered to a rock by more of the slime.

KILL THEM ALL!

Spikes of black crystal erupted from around me, impaling several changelings.

bathe in their blood...

More spike of crystal erupted, skewering Chrysalis through the legs, before I walked up to her, and looked her in the eyes, my voice utterly monotone. "You hurt Ribbon, your life is forfeit." Before a single crystal pierced Chrysalis's head, killing her instantly.

Using my magic to remove the blobs of slime from Ribbon, I noticed something weird with it, it was now a deep crimson, borderline black, with blobs of an unhealthy shade of yellow or green flowing through it. Looking at my reflection in one of the crystals, I was alarmed to find my eyes a solid black, the iris, the pupil, EVERYTHING was black, and they were leaking tears of blood... as I stared, my magic and eyes slowly resumed their natural color. I slowly turned to Ribbon mouthing 'what the fuck just happened?'

"Nope, that did not just happen, nope, nada, negatory, didn't happen..." shiiiiiiit... looking around, it was about this time I noticed an ethereal... node? Floating in the middle of the room, and I had the most bizarre urge to poke it, and poke it I did...

The moment I touched it, I felt electricity shoot through me, and moments before I wa ejected from the dream, it almost felt like me and Ribbons minds were brushing against each other...