Breakfast was finished in short order and everybody went on to be about their business. Blueblood headed off to organize the Civil Guard and to get the Changelings taken care of. Celestia and Luna received word that most of Canterlot was slowly filling the main courtyard for the mysterious announcement. Artex already knew he was supposed to be the example of Humans presented for the populace and so headed off to change into his fancy robe.

Once he closed the door to his room he realized he might be asked to give a speech. He was glad he already had what he wanted to say on his mind. He had thought about it for months beforehand but in light of the trial, he had forgotten all about everything else... including the press conference to follow the announcement. He rolled his eyes and shrugged on his robe. He double checked to make sure it was straight, then examined himself in the mirror, 'Not half bad for an ugly, balding, disfigured, middle aged man. Heh, hope I don't scare anypony away.'

A knock on his door brought him out of his navel gazing,
"Come in!" he beckoned.

Razor Wit poked her head through the cracked open doorway,
"You look good Artex." she nudged her way in and closed the door coming up beside the tall Human, "So," she smirked, "Are you ready to be paraded around in front of thousands of Ponies, and a couple of foreign dignitaries?"

"Foreign dignitaries?" Artex asked slowly, turning his head toward the tan Unicorn, "Which species?"

"Saddle Arabians, Minotaurs, Crystal Kavim, Zebras, and Buffalo. The Diamond Dogs, Gryphons, Dragons, and obviously the Changelings did not send anybody. The Gryphons declined because there is some kind of problem with some mysterious group taking their citizens hostage. The Dragons tend to ignore the goings-on of other nations unless it affects them. The Diamond Dogs are busy still trying to figure out what happened with that strange disease, and the Changelings don't socialize with any other species except for food. I've met most of them previously, they're generally friendly. You shouldn't have any trouble with them. The Minotaurs can come on a little strong, but they mean well. The fact that they sent anybody is... well it's impressive. They tend to be a bit reclusive but they are also considered one of the wisest species in the world. I absolutely guarantee the Zebras will be friendly. The Saddle Arabians will probably be more curious than anything else, but they're always making comparisons. They might sound judgmental and harsh, but they don't understand many of our cultural mores and idiosyncrasies which leads them to be politely blunt. It's difficult to describe. The Buffalo are intimidating and very straightforward, but they're really friendly once you get to know them. The Crystal Kavim will be withdrawn and cautious. If you can manage to get them to talk they're pretty nice."

Artex chewed his cheek,
"Alright, what do you want to do until Celestia and Luna come to get us?"

Razor shrugged,
"I don't know. Do you want to practice with your magic?"

"Nah, I do enough of that with Twilight around." he extended his left hand and a brush flew off the armoire and right into his open palm, "Still don't have fine control though." he said dejectedly.

Razor placed a comforting hoof on his left thigh,
"Don't worry about it. Maybe it's just a Human thing. We still don't know much about Human magic. Magic works differently for every species."

Artex chewed his cheek again and decided to bite the bullet on a topic he was still unsure about,
"Alright..." he trailed off as his courage evaporated.

Razor sat down and looked up at him curiously,
"What's up?"

Artex screwed up his courage a second time and took a deep breath,
"Tell me... what do Kavim deem desirable? Romance wise."

Razor smiled cocked her head to the left,
"Physically, mentally, emotionally, what? And there is a definable difference between attractive and desirable too. Attractive is aesthetically pleasing while desirable is something to look for in a serious relationship. It's different for each type of Kavim and I'll tell you right now, I have no idea what Crystal Kavim or Saddle Arabian Kavim find attractive. I can only give you the general aspects for Earth Ponies, Pegasi, and Unicorns: the preferences change for each individual, sometimes drastically."

Artex was taken aback at her words, 'Huh, it never occurred to me that each type might have different standards and have different opinions on what is attractive and desirable. I suppose it does kind of make sense though.'

He cleared his throat,
"Let's start with what Earth Ponies find desirable. Tell me every aspect as far as you know."

Razor smiled,
"Now that I can do." she rose to a standing position and began to pace back and forth in front of Artex as she spoke, "Earth Ponies have a somewhat physical view of desirability. A large portion of their magic has to do with physical labor so they tend to see things in terms of physical prowess. For example: take Big Macintosh. He's tall, muscular, he's a hard worker, and his family's farm is successful. Those are all desirable things, but there is more. The Apple family is colossal, I spoke with Applejack about it and she said there are more than three hundred relatives living all around Equestria with another fifty or so living in other nations as well. That is also desirable for an Earth Pony. A large family means a large number of Ponies that can be called upon for help in a crisis and no matter where you are there is probably a member of the family not too far away. You would think that extremely thin and muscular individuals are the most desirable, but that's not quite accurate. An Earth Pony with some... pudge around the middle and a strong body is the most desirable from a physical standpoint. The muscle means they work hard and the pudge means they are so successful they have more than enough to provide for themselves and are smart enough about it to have the relaxation time to gain that pudge."

Artex mulled over the information,
"So using that logic, Mrs. Cake would be considered a knockout."

"What would rendering somepony unconscious have to do with anything romantic?" Razor asked.

Artex chuckled,
"Sorry, Human figure of speech. What I meant was that she would be seen as the perfect example of a desirable Earth Pony, while Mr. Cake would be thought of as kind of undesirable."

Razor nodded,
"Correct, at least from a physical standpoint. Now for mental and emotional, that's a different story. I'll use Big Macintosh as an example again because he's kind of perfect for it. Alright the Apple Family is big, really big. That's attractive because it shows that the family has strong ties to one another and they value and look out for their own. Big Mac still works on the family farm and he hasn't gone searching actively for a mare, that shows dedication and properly aligned priorities. He is also a quiet Pony. He doesn't waste time with meaningless words and chatter. If he has something to say, he says it, otherwise he just keeps to himself and works hard. He doesn't complain, he doesn't gripe, and he knows his business and doesn't pry into the business of others. Believe it or not, YOU actually help him look desirable. He was willing to look past your physical appearance and accept you as a member of the family. He was willing to work alongside you, he gave you a gift, an expensive one, and he even gave his blood to help save you. Quite literally, he could not be more desirable for an Earth Pony. You were in the hospital when it happened, but after he gave you the transfusion and word got around, I'm not exaggerating, every unmarried mare was after him. He flatly refused almost every one of them. He did choose Cheerilee though, and I've heard the two of them are deciding who to court next. You see it is extremely rare for one mare to marry one stallion. Mrs. Cake is a mare with a powerful will. She alone married Carrot Cake and so she didn't have any other mares to act as Comforters." Razor shook her head, "The kind of self control that took must have been positively staggering."

Artex' face reddened slightly, but he had to be sure he understood,
"You mean the first time they... mated?"

Razor made a disgusted face,
"Mated?" she asked, "We're not animals. We never covered this in depth during your language lessons, so let me fill you in. When a stallion and a mare physically connect in an intimate way for the first couple of times, for the mare it's called Accepting her stallion. For the stallion it's called Opening the mare. I never asked if Human women have this, but mares have a muscle which blocks their vagina..."

Artex held up his hands,
"Human women have the same thing. Though about one out of ten is born without one. It has to be stretched and dilated for the woman's body to accept the man she is with. I take it it's the same for Kavim?"

Razor pursed her lips,
"Mostly correct. ALL mares have one and to have her stallion Open her is both somewhat painful and very frightening. There also tends to be some blood when the stallion Opens the mare, yet another reason almost all mares need Comforters when they go to Accept their husband. I asked my mother about it once. She said it took all of her sister/wives to hold her when she went to Accept my father. She had to be held for only the first three times. She was able to keep calm enough not to scream when he mounted her. Remember, if the mare screams or cries out in fear, the stallion instantly looses all interest in mounting her, heh, a stallion will actually go limp if the mare screams. That's why the Comforters are so necessary. The Comforters hold the mare down and whisper encouragement and reassurance and as the name implies, comfort her. Now that's not always the case. Some mares can't overcome their fear and Accept a stallion. You know Fluttershy? She is one of those ones that might not be able to Accept a stallion, even though I heard that Big Mac and Cheerilee are courting her, she may not be able to. For those mares who cannot Accept a stallion, they know it, so they never end up in that situation."

Razor paused and thought for a moment,
"Well that's not quite true. Some of the ones who can't Accept a stallion do still try, but those instances oftentimes end up as tragedies. When a couple go to make love for the first time, the Comforters and the stallion talk to the mare who is going to try first and they establish a safe word. If the mare gets too frightened and speaks the safe word, the stallion stops and the Comforters immediately let go of her. Once in a while the mare is too frightened so she freezes up and fails to say the safe word and the entire process happens through to completion even though she wanted to stop. Afterwards she ends up traumatized and shuns the other mares and her husband. In cases like that, rare though they are, the mare divorces the others and the whole thing ends in heartbreak for everypony involved. I think Fluttershy might have a chance because if she was unable to Accept a stallion she would know and save everypony the time and effort."

Artex had a question,
"So if the first couple of times are so frightening and everything, why would any mare want to go through with it in the first place?"

Razor nodded,
"I can understand why you ask. I asked my mother the same thing once. She said that after she overcame her fear and Accepted my father, that giving herself to him was the single most wonderful thing in the world aside from holding a foal. Her description was intense and she said it was worth the initial fear and pain a thousand times over. Just the intimacy and trust established from Accepting my father was worth it, according to her."

Artex waved his hands,
"Alright we've gotten off track here. You already told me what Earth Ponies find desirable, what about Pegasi?"

Razor nodded,
"Well Pegasi are somewhat different in their opinion of what makes a Pony physically desirable. The Pegasi tend to look at a combination of physical and mental aspects of desirability than the emotional ones. A tall stature, sleek body shape, large wings, tightly corded lean muscle, all of those are considered extremely desirable. Pegasi view accomplishments as a point of pride and desirability also. A Pegasus who has done something of particular importance or notoriety is seen as much more desirable than one who has a steady job and never became famous. Now we see the contrast between personal preferences: Fluttershy versus Rainbow Dash. Fluttershy is, despite her ridiculously attractive coloration, face, and shape, is not very desirable by normal Pegasi standards. She is beautiful and attractive without being particularly desirable. By normal standards, Rainbow Dash is much, much more desirable to other Pegasi. You can also see the substantial difference between attractive and desirable. Attractive to Ponies is based on coloration of mane and tail and coat as well as facial features and bearing. Fluttershy is extremely attractive but not particularly desirable whereas Rainbow Dash is somewhat attractive but distinctly desirable. It tends to be confusing for Ponies who are not Pegasi to understand the difference."

Artex ran his hands through his hair as he let out a sigh,
"Hell, I'm not sure I understand too well." he dropped his hands, "Alright what about Unicorns? I suspect you know quite a bit about their preferences." he said with a slight smirk.

Razor smiled back,
"I do, but before we get into that let's talk about the different features that all Ponies find attractive. After all, while desirability is key, attractiveness is a great bonus and helps to complete the package."

Razor began pacing once more,
"First off is coloration. Coloration is the base foundation for determining attractiveness. As I understand it, Kavim don't generally see as well as other species with the exception being Pegasi. Most of us can see clearly up to about ten Fathoms whereas you Humans seem to be able to see clearly for probably eight times that distance. Most other species in our world see better than we do and that has, in the past, led to part of what deems a Pony to be attractive. We can see colors much more vividly than most other species but with our much shorter range of vision it used to work to our detriment. A predator has an easy time seeing us while we have a hard time seeing them, however in a tightly packed group our coloration lends us difficult to pick out individually. Our coloration also helps us to identify each other at a distance where we cannot see details clearly so a Pony with natural colors is not attractive because they can blend in to nature and we would have trouble finding them. It might also lead predators to think there is a gap in a tightly grouped herd and attack the location where the naturally colored Pony is."

Razor stopped pacing and looked up at Artex,
"Care to guess why most of us are really bright colors?"

Artex shuddered at the thought,
"Probably because before you all began working together most naturally colored Kavim ended up getting killed by predators."

Razor nodded and continued pacing,
"Correct. For example: my coloration is both good and bad. My mane and tail are fuchsia while my coat is a sandy tan color. The tan color is considered unattractive but the fuchsia is considered very attractive. Let's go back to Big Mac. Believe it or not he does take some pride in making himself look good. His mane and tail are the color of straw which is unattractive, however he keeps both his mane and tail short to let Ponies see more of his brilliant red coloration, which is very attractive. Now by that same token, a Pony who is the same or similar colors in their coat, mane, and tail is seen as being dull while a streak of contrasting color in the mane and tail are seen as distinctly attractive. Pinkie Pie for instance isn't very pretty in coloration, thank goodness she has a pretty face or else she wouldn't be attractive at all. Her bearing is... well... overwhelming and too exuberant to be pretty, but her face is gorgeous. Now Rarity on the flip side, is as you put it, a knockout. Brilliant coloration which sticks out to the eye, classy bearing, pretty face, all in all she's a good pick. Other things like face and build tend to be more or less up to the individual, but again some Ponies are naturally attractive and some are not." Razor stopped and looked up at Artex, "Do you think you have a good idea about what makes a Pony attractive?"

Artex rubbed his chin,
"So in general terms, how attractive are you and how desirable are you?"

Razor's cheeks lit up like her mane as she lowered her head bashfully,
"As I said that depends on the individual, but if I had to guess I would say that I have average looks at best but I am fairly desirable."

Artex mulled the information over in his head before asking his next question,
"So what do Unicorns find desirable?"

Razor lifted her head,
"That's a little more complex than one might think. A wide range of factors come into play when considering desirability from a Unicorn's perspective. Looks do play their part but quite a bit less than for Earth Ponies or Pegasi. Unicorns tend to be a bit pudgy most of the time, but that can mean any number of things. On one side of the coin they might be just plain lazy, but on the flip side it might also mean they have enough money not to worry about their appearance, which speaks volumes for desirability. Money, notoriety, skill, and success are all positive things to a Unicorn. Every one of those things I just mentioned help to paint a picture of how affluent somepony is and thereby, their desirability. Because of that, Unicorns often tend to be more on the shallow side and often materialistic as well. For some Unicorns magic skill and power also play a big part. Just as Earth Ponies favor physical build and Pegasi favor flight prowess, so too do Unicorns favor magic. A wide range of spells, finesse, or powerful Nouns and Verbs can make a Unicorn desirable or just plain."

"So," Artex began, "How would a Human rate to a Kavim?"

Razor shifted her weight nervously then averted her eyes and lowered her head. Artex noticed everything Razor did right away, 'Why does she look so nervous...' and then it hit him, 'She has a crush on a Human!' Unfortunately, it never entered his mind who she might be infatuated with.

"Razor," he asked slowly, "Do you... are you attracted to a Human?"

The tan Unicorn mare's head sprung right back up and she looked Artex in the eye,
"No, I have no particular attraction toward Humans." she spoke clearly.

The answer set Artex back, 'Did I misinterpret all that?' he wondered.

Razor silently breathed a sigh of relief, 'Technically I didn't lie. I never said I didn't find a particular Human desirable though.'

The awkward situation was saved thanks to a knock on the door and Princess Celestia's head poking through the doorway,
"Are you two ready? There's quite the crowd gathered outside."

And here you get a reading from the Encyclopedia Razorwitica (credit for the phrase goes to my awesome editor, thank you Nightwatch!)

Your mission, should you chose to accept it, is to seek out and destroy any and all typos you come across.