New Helpby deadpansnarker
Chapters
New Help
"SPIKE, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING WITH THOSE"... Twilight hoofpalmed for what seemed like the fifteeth time that day, as Spike tripped over, spilling her carefully arranged pile of checklists everywhere. NOW how was she supposed to know when she was due to have her hooficure, when Cadence was popping over for tea, what time her appointment was to see Doctor Hooves about her ever worsening OCD...
"Sorry, Twi" the scaled one picked himself up and hastily started gathering the assorted papers off the floor. The newly crowned Princess Of Friendship could only roll her eyes. This was happening all too much recently. First, he 'accidentally' set Owlicious's tale on fire. Then, he barfed up a day's supply of gems all over her latest Daring Do Novel. And to cap it all off, she'd caught him in the bathroom reading Playdrago... in fact, she didn't even want to dwell on that.
Now this latest incident. He was becoming disruptive, clumsy and inefficient. He just hadn't been the same since Rarity had told him recently, in no uncertain terms, she only wanted him as a FRIEND. Anything further than that would be simply unacceptable, and most probably illegal. Rarity wanted kids you see, and a mare friend of her's from Manehattan had been impregnated by a dragon. The results... were not very pleasant. Sufficed to say, the word 'abomination' was used a lot...
The purple alicorn watched Spike put the last of the papers on the table, and breathed a sigh of relief. "PHEW, at least he's done something right toda..." Ever heard the expression tempting fate? Well, hear was a classic case of it. No sooner had Spike finished picking everything up, then suddenly his nose started twitching. AH...AH....AH... Twilight noticed this with a growing sense of horror. She knew what would happen next... but was powerless to do anything about it. "SPIKE... NNOOOO..."
It was too late. The sneeze came forth from the dragon's nose, and with it brought a green plume of flame which instantly set the highly flammable heap of papers alight. Within seconds, there was hardly anything left but a pile of ash. You see, dragon fire is much more combustible than normal flame. Or, perhaps it isn't. Maybe I'm just making it up for the sake of the story. Ever heard of poetic license? Good. Let's move on.
Twilight was distraught. Her schedule for the week... RUINED. How would she know now when to sleep? Eat? Breathe? She instantly started running around like a headless Scooterl... chicken, and murmuring "WHAT DO I DO?" "WHAT DO I DO"? Over and over again. It was just like Lesson Zero all over again, except 20% crazier.
Spike watched his mistress with growing concern, as she crashed into walls and started mumbling gibberish. In an effort to stave off this apparent sudden attack of madness he toddled over, and said quite possibly the worst thing he could in that tenuous situation: "Calm down Twi, it's not the end of the world".
That did it. The alicorn immediately screeched to a halt and spun round to face the dragon, which Spike took for a good sign. Until, she opened her mouth. "NOT THE END OF THE WORLD? THIS IS THE WORST THING EVER!" ( 6/10 impersonation of Rarity
there)"MY ENTIRE WEEK IS RUINED NOW! YOU MAY NOT KNOW THIS SPIKE, BUT AS I AM A PRINCESS NOW I HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES ALL OVER EQUESTRIA... RESPONSIBILITIES THAT YOU HAVE JUST THROWN INTO COMPLETE CHAOS! IF ANYPONY SUFFERS AS A RESULT OF YOUR CARELESS ACTIONS, WHAT WILL I TELL CELESTIA...?"
Spike had never seen Twilight this agitated before, and had turned a visible shade of white while enduring this verbal onslaught. In the midst of her tirade, the alicorn noticed this, and paused for breath, feeling slightly guilty but also still somewhat angry. She closed her eyes as if pondering something, then having made her mind up, she spoke to Spike again in a calmer but still firm voice.
"Look, Spike. This isn't really working out. You've become sloppy with your work, and your personal life is proving too much of a distraction. I love you little guy, I really do.. but I think it's time we went our separate ways. I'll always be grateful for the help you've given me over the years, but I think with my new position I need someone with more professionalism for the job of my number one assistant."
Spike was flabbergasted. Tears started rolling down his little cheeks, and it was all he could do to avoid blubbing like a newborn... "T-Twi" he sobbed, "W-What are you saying?"
Twilight stared at the floor, a look of resolution on her face "I'm saying It's time we parted ways. Don't worry... I've give you your months wages in advance, plus a little bonus for the inconvenience of terminating your contract early. Let's see... Three sapphires and a ruby should just about cover it..."
Spike, at this point bawling his eyes out, ran over to Twilight and wrapped his claws around one of her forelegs "TWI, PLEASE!!" He begged. "DON'T DO THIS!! I'LL... FORGET ABOUT RARITY!! I'LL... TREAT OWLICIOUS BETTER!! I'LL... THROW OUT ALL MY DIRTY MAGAZINES... I'LL STOP USING YOUR TOOTHBRUSH TO UNBLOCK MY TOILET... I'LL... NOT CLEAN MY SCALES WITH YOUR...
"Stop it, Spike. My mind is made up." Said Twilight, who was in no mood for anymore confessions, and slightly aghast at this new information. "You're a talented young dragon. I'm sure you'll find a role somewhere out there to fulfill. In the meantime..." A suitcase appeared from nowhere, levitated by the alicorn's magic. " Pack what you need, and go. I'll need some time alone this evening to sort out the mess you created. Tomorrow, I'll be putting out wanted advertisements all over Ponyville for a new helper. Until you can find more permanent living arrangements, I'll contact Fluttershy. I'm sure she'll be more than happy to have you. Why, she told me herself, how well Angel and you got on when you babysat me and my friend's pets when we were away at the Crystal Empire."
For some reason Spike slapped his head and muttered something incoherent under his breath upon hearing this, but seeing how his former boss wasn't going to be changing her mind, he reluctantly took the suitcase upstairs, trudging all the way.
Twilight turned away, deep in contemplation. What would she put in the ad? Personal assistant wanted for neurotic princess? Must be eager, willing and not be a fire breather? Heavy workload, but comfortable bed provided in the BRAND NEW Rainbow Castle?
She pondered these thoughts as she started ascending the stairs herself. "I DON'T HEAR PACKING!" She shouted, making sure she stopped on the way at the bathroom, to throw her toothbrush away.
Moving On
Spike dragged his suitcase through the streets of Ponyville, looking lost and forlorn. Anypony that was in earshot would have heard him talking to himself, and snatches of a conversation along the lines of "After all I've done for her..." and "Ungrateful little...".
The other ponies passing by stared at him with curiosity, for it was rare indeed to see Spike without Twilight (not everyone had heard he'd been sacked yet). Judging by his demeanor though, he wasn't in the best of moods, so they wisely kept their distance.
He approached Fluttershy's cottage, with it's many birdhouses and leafy roof. He hesitated for a minute, before knocking on the door lightly. (The yellow pegasus was known for being startled for the slightest thing).
After a few minutes wait, the door opened.. and the the lady of the house herself emerged. And she was covered, from head to hoof, in birds.
"Oh, my" She seemed flustered. "I was expecting you a bit later Spike. I was in the middle of feeding my feathered friends here." "They get ever so hungry this time of year."
The dragon backed away slightly, scared that the many feathers flying around might set off another deadly sneezing fit. "Uh, sorry to have disturbed you, Flutters. I can come back later..."
"No, no..." Fluttershy insisted, getting behind Spike and literally pushing him through the door. "No trouble at all. In fact, you could really be useful."
"USEFUL?!" Spike's ears immediately perked up at that word. Finally, SOMEONE who could appreciate him. "What is it you want me to do? Send a message to Celestia? Rescue an animal in distress? Cook you a delicious dinner? Whatever you want, SPIKE'S YOUR DRAGON!!" He accompanied this speech with a little curtsy.
The shy pegasus chuckled at his bravura. "No, silly. Twi told me what a great cleaner you are, so I just wondered if you wouldn't mind..." She gestured to the floor with one of her wings.
Now, (SOUND OF FOURTH WALL BREAKING) anyone who's been to Trafalgar Square in good olde London Town (before they were banned by the killjoy council) will know just how messy pigeons can be. (SOUND OF FOURTH WALL REASSEMBLING)
Fluttershy's pets were no different, and the floor was a nice shade of white. In fact, Spike was actually standing in the middle of a pile of doo-doo. Looking down, he cringed, and instinctively stepped back... and slipped... with his face being immersed in the charming pile of animal excrement.
"Oh, dear". Fluttershy put a hoof to her mouth. "My apologies Spike, I should have warned you" The dragon stealthily picked himself up, resembling Apple Bloom on the last Nightmare Moon night. She'd gone dressed at a ghost, BTW.
"You'd better get yourself cleaned up out back." Fluttershy hastily filled a bucket of water and gave it to the dragon, adding a bar of soap for good measure." And when you've finished doing that, I'll give you a mop and you can use the same bucket to wipe the floor. Thank you, Spike. I know we'll have lots of fun together." She gave him a sheepish grin and flew off with her birds, leaving him to do her 'dirty work'. Ha, ha.
Grumbling to himself, Spike picked himself and whatever dignity he had left off the floor, and grabbed the cleaning implements before heading outside. "Why does everything always go wrong for me? Am I just some kind of cosmic joke?" He looked up at the sky, as if expecting an answer, but none appeared to be forthcoming. So with a huge sigh, he got into the pail, and started washing his back, all alone in the world.
Except, he wasn't REALLY alone. For, a dastardly figure was watching him from the ajar back door, small in stature but brimming in evil intent, a creature from the fiery pits of Tartarus itself, a white rabbit known only as ANGEL BUNNY was rubbing his paws together. Ooh, the plans he had in store for that dragon!
If you looked closely, at that very moment, you may have seen Angel's ears turn into devil's horns for a split second. Surely just a trick of the light... or was it?
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Meanwhile, poor Twilight had endured a tiring evening/morning. Not only had she had to drink the entire supply of coffee at Sugarcube Corner so she could stay up all night to reproduce her week's schedule, but she'd forgotten to ask Spike where he'd kept everything for her before he'd departed in a huff. So, it had taken her an hour to have breakfast, and another thirty minutes to find the book she wanted. Which, ironically enough, was called Organising Your Life.
And now, she found herself sitting by herself in her new swanky throne room, saying NEXT a lot.
Yes, the applicants to fill the new position had been flooding in... and it's fair to say, not a lot of them were much cop. She'd seen: Pinkie with a moustache, a minotaur with a serious ego problem, Pinkie Pie with a beard, A cross-eyed pegasus who almost broke her wall trying to exit, Pinkie Pie with a moustache AND beard ensemble...
In fact, she was ready to pack it all in, and forgive Spike for his recent transgressions. Sure, he'd screwed up a lot of late, but she'd known him since he'd hatched from a tiny egg, and surely that should count for something? Maybe she should take a leaf out of Rainbow Dash's book, and be more loyal. In fact, she should go round Fluttershy's right now and...
An Earth Pony walked in during the middle of the alicorn's deliberations. She had a purple mane and tail, with a blue cloth tied around her neck and three buttons for a cutie mark. She walked with a certain air of arrogance, and despite Twilight's royal status, was not afraid to walk up and nudge the alicorn out of her stupor.
"Hello? Anypony home" She said in a grating put-on voice. "HUH? Huh?!" Twilight swiftly returned to reality, and stared at the new mare in the room. "Er... hello? Are you here to enquire about the position?"
"Of course I am darling, Mkay?" She stated in that annoying tone. "I was just visiting my estranged daughter in this one pony town, and I couldn't believe my ears when I learned a princess lives in these backwaters. AND she was looking for help. You see, my fortunes have been a bit on the slide of late. I'm a world famous designer from Manehattan, but for some reason a lot of my old clients seem to have bailed on me, and my ungrateful assistant left me in the lurch. That horrible..."
"Please get to the point". Said Twilight, rolling her eyes slightly. She did not need to hear this pony's life story.
"Oh, Sorry darling." The purple haired mare said contritely."Sometimes, I do let my mouth run away with itself. Anyway, I was thinking we could help each other out, Mkay? I would do a few small menial tasks for you, and help you out with various other things. And in return, you could model a few of my fabulous outfits when we're out in public. I'm sure that, whatever reason my old clients had for leaving me, they'd all be begging for my services again when they found my creations were being worn than no less than a princess, Mkay?"
Twilight raised an eyebrow. Being a very modest individual, she didn't like the thought of anypony thinking she was something special just because of her new role. And besides, she already had a top fashion designer friend who she could turn to. Nevertheless this pony seemed nice enough. "What's your name" the alicorn asked.
This question drew a surprised reaction from the Earth Pony. She fidgeted from hoof to hoof, staring straight ahead. "Erm... It's ... Eram Olopirus" she said, after a moments hesitation.
Where is a holy hand grenade when you need one?!
Spike was just finishing up in the bucket. His body was as clean as a whistle, having removed the horrible gunk which seemed to have spread everywhere. It was a bad first step to his enforced stay with Fluttershy, but he was sure that once he'd settled in and shown the yellow pegasus just how helpful he could be, he would become an invaluable, indispensable, resource to have around. In fact, maybe if things worked out THAT well, Twilight may take him back. He could just see her grovelling now "Oh Spike, my life is in complete disarray without you. I took you for granted... I know that now... Owlicious and *INSERT NAME OF NEW ASSISTANT HERE* just don't compare. Please come back... I'll do anyt..."
His mental reverie was abruptly cut short by the sound of gnawing. Spike opened his eyes to see what this irritating noise was... and there, standing a few feet away, was everyone's favourite little bad tempered critter, Angel Bunny. He was staring at the young dragon, while munching a carrot. He'd almost finished the vegetable, and was down to the leafy stalk.
Remembering his few run-ins with the troublesome creature previously, Spike put on a sheepish grin and waved. "Hi there, Angel. Did Fluttershy tell you? I'm going to be staying here for a while. So why don't we start on the right hoof, and..."
"OW!!" that was the sound Spike made as the rabbit launched what was left of his snack right at the baby dragon's face. Unable to block in time, it hit him right in the eye. Rubbing it profusely, he spotted Angel sticking his tongue out, before hopping away at a fast pace.
Unable to control his anger (and without even bothering with the courtesy of wrapping a towel around his small form) Spike quickly jumped out of the bucket, knocking over the contents in the process. He flung open the back door, where he saw the small white troublemaker perched on a row of shelves inside.
"WHAT THE HELL, ANGEL?" Said Spike, still with one eye closed. The bunny responded by simply imitating the dragon's action, before falling on his back and laughing uncontrollably.
Fuming, Spike lost his temper completely. " WHY YOU LITTLE..." He started to climb the shelves, towards the top one on which Angel was now perched, intent on having Roast Bunny for tea. Well, you gotta have a break from gems once in a while.
Now, the shelves were sturdy in design, and on them was quite a lot of animal feed. There was also Fluttershy's prize collection of crockery, along with a few other bits 'n' pieces that may have seemed like trinkets to the casual observer, but held great sentimental value to the soft-hearted Pegasus.
As well assembled as they were though, they were not designed to hold the combined weight of a spoiled, overweight bunny and a baby dragon. Spike was nearly there, he had that furry nuisance right within his grasp. Victory was assured... but then, two things happened.
The first was that Angel, ever alert to the dragon's outstretched paws, let out another raspberry and jumped off the shelf. The second was an ominous creaking coming from the structure, on which Spike had now reached the peak.
"Oops" he thought, "better get dow..."
It was too late. With the sound of breaking wood, the shelf collapsed completely... and with it, all the ones underneath. Bird seed, vegetables, fruit and various other flora and fauna were scattered everywhere... and the sound of smashing plates broke the silence. Spike was caught in the middle of it all, and he fell to the floor, bruised, shaken and temporarily dazed.
"What's going on... OH MY!!" Said a soft voice, which quickly reached a higher crescendo. Spike, still seeing stars from his recent mishap, could just about make out a yellow equine shaped figure enter the room, and a little white dot jumping up and down, pointing at him... and the mess scattered everywhere.
"YouseeyourhorriblepetthrewacarrotatmeandIchasedhimbuthenhehoppedontothereandthen..." Spike tried to tell his side of the story, but he was so irate it all came out at a million miles an hour, not to mention the slight concussion he seemed to have picked up made his words all slurred and barely coherent.
Unable to process Spike's mumbling, Fluttershy's attention was passed back to Angel... and her pet seemed to be trying to draw her attention to something. She trotted over to where the rabbit was gesticulating furiously... and winged pony let out a strangled gasp.
Still bleary of mind and covered with bruises, Spike clambered to his feet and stumbled over to see what all the fuss was about... and there, lying on the floor, covered with broken glass and half ripped, was a photograph.
Oh, it wasn't just ANY old picture, no. You see, this one was of Fluttershy's closest friends, the day she first arrived in Ponyville. Yes, it was none other than Twilight, at Pinkie Pie's surprise welcoming party. There the purple unicorn sat, looking completely bewildered with her five soon-to-be best friends around her. It was one of Fluttershy's favourite memories, which explains why it had been put pride of place on display, for all the world to see.
And Spike had just trashed it.
The dragon looked at the torn photograph, then at an unreadable Fluttershy, then at a manically grinning Angel (Of course, he was facing away from his owner while doing this). He began to put everything together, realising the true depths of what this jealous bunny was capable, how the deranged rabbit would stop at NOTHING to have his owner all to himself...
"F-flutters" he stammered "I-I"... his words caught in his mouth as he saw a small tear trickle down her cheek. "How... how could you..." her mouth struggled to form the words.
"HOW COULD YOU!!!!" It was as if the spell was broken, and suddenly, Fluttershy was airborne,along with a very bemused Angel, who had been clinging onto her. "JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE MAD AT TWILIGHT FOR KICKING YOU OUT DOES NOT GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO TAKE YOUR ANGER OUT ON AN INNOCENT PICTURE!! AND JUST LOOK AT THIS ROOM NOW!! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG IT'S GOING TO TAKE ME TO CLEAN THIS UP? I'M SURPRISED AT YOU SPIKE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE BETTER THAN THIS... BUT IF I CAN'T TRUST YOU ALONE, I'M AFRAID YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO FIND SOMEWHERE ELSE TO STAY. I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU TOOK YOUR THINGS AND WENT, NOW. COME, ANGEL. She landed on the floor in a huff, literally dragging her double crossing pet with her.
Needless to say, Angel was still relishing the moment, and took the opportunity to grin even more like a Cheshire cat at his poor victim as he left the room, before all-too-predictably sticking his tongue out for the third time that day.
Spike was still seething, but by the same token was completely taken aback by FLUTTERSHY, the most mild mannered, docile pony he knew, subjecting him to such a tirade. And after being shouted at by Twilight the previous day, he started to wonder if it really was just a coincidence. Perhaps there was something about him that rubbed others up the wrong way. His head slumped, his eyes started to water up. He gingerly took a few steps forward, trying to avoid the broken china and glass on the floor. He was intent on getting his bag and leaving as soon as possible. Where... he didn't know. All he knew was he had to give Fluttershy as much space as he could right now... as well as hugely increase the distance he was from that nasty little long-eared bully. Lest he feel like sticking him in a pie, or something.
Meanwhile, down at the Rainbow Castle...