I put the cardboard box down, the contents rattling as it makes contact with the floor. It’s full of the stuff I bought for the ponies, and it is unbelievably heavy.

“Hey, where do you want your guitar?”

I stand and crack my back, before gesturing towards the obvious case on the floor by Charles. “Just put it in there,” I say, cracking my neck as the effects of my physical strain take hold.

“Would you mind telling me why we’re leaving the furniture, again?”

I shrug. “Well, Obama wants us out by today. We’re basically being evicted for a good cause. And the reason why is because a shitload of news reporters are making their way over here, and he wants to keep the ponies hushed up. I have a pretty good feeling that the ‘terms’ he mentioned are to observe them as I raise them, and he doesn’t want any reporters getting suspicious. He’ll move some random people into our old houses, and that’ll be that.”

After Charles places the guitar in the case, he walks over to his luggage, and re-checks it one last time, just to make sure that he has everything he’ll need on the ride to Kansas.

“It’s weird to think that we’re a focus for the media,” he muses as he closes his luggage, satisfied with the contents. “I mean, seriously...”

I nod, and push the box up against the wall with a toe, but don’t bother to open the luggage adjacent to it. “Well, the President said that the trailer would be here by two. So, seeing as how it’s one, we have an hour to play with the ponies...”

Charles nods, smiling wide as I say we can indulge ourselves. We both enter the room, and I immediately smile sheepishly.

Thirteen of the ponies (the odd one out being Derpy) are looking up at me in confusion from the bare draw, as if to ask “where in the hell is our bed?” I smile, and sit down by the drawer. “We’re moving, guys. In an hour, we can leave, okay? But for now, you’ll have to tolerate this, okay?”

The ponies simply stare at me, and Rainbow Dash rolls her eyes, pointing towards Derpy Hooves, who is currently contently sucking on a sock. All the ponies turn to look at Derpy, and then turn their ire back on me, frowning in obvious irritation. They’re deathly silent, and despite them being children, it’s kind of intimidating.

“You guys know how much Derpy loves socks!” I plead, smiling uneasily. Celestia and Luna stand, their wings flared in agitation as their horns glow. “No, no, nononononono. You guys don’t have to do that, okay? I’ll...Uh...”

I stop, and realize something important. They may look like babies and have the bodies of babies, but they have the minds of toddlers. They need to be taught what’s wrong, and what is right. And now is the perfect time to start.

“You two, sit down!” I order in a low tone of voice. The two ponies simply force more energy into their horns. “I am your father, and I demand your respect! Now, sit down before you never see your socks again!”

The two alicorns shrink back slightly, and they have obviously grasped the full meaning of my words, as the glow in their horns is diminished slightly.

“And that goes for all of you,” I say, making eye contact with each and every one of my children. Each of them shrink back and nod in turn, and Derpy drops the sock in her mouth.

“Derpy,” I say, “we no longer chew on socks. I’ll get you guys your pacifiers. We don’t chew on socks, okay?”

The grey Pegasus nods, and I pick up the sock, recoiling slightly as I realize just how covered in saliva the thing is. I throw it onto my bed, and turn to open the box of baby supplies.

“That was pretty harsh, Peter,” I hear over my shoulder.

“Yeah, well, sometimes, you need to be harsh,” I counter. As I pick up the armful of pacifiers, I smile. “But, it’s better to be lenient.”

I stoop by the drawer, and tear open the first pacifier. I give it to Derpy, who eagerly closes her mouth around the pacifier, the flat disk before the small nipple somewhat comedic against her muzzle.

“Alright, who else wants one?”

All of the ponies raise a foreleg in response.

First, Applejack and Big Mac. Big Mac closes her mouth around it, and settles down on his chest. Applejack immediately bites down on the pacifier, and turns to smile at Rainbow Dash. The cyan Pegasus crosses her forelegs and stares up at me, as if to ask where her pacifier is.

So, I give Rainbow Dash her pacifier next. The cyan Pegasus eagerly snatches it from my fingers with her mouth, and sits in front of Applejack, sucking at the nipple furiously. The orange earth pony blinks, and tries her best to match, and beat, Rainbow Dash’s rate. Within a few seconds, they have worn themselves out, and are on their sides, breathing gently in their sleep.

As they compete, I hand out the rest of the pacifiers.

Fluttershy gives the pacifier a cautionary poke, and, after a few minutes of cooing to her that it’s alright, she gently bites down on the rubber nipple. Within a few seconds, she’s gotten used to it, and is on her back, eyes closed as she sucks at the pacifier.

Celestia and Luna both accept the pacifier without hesitating. They smile up at me, and Celestia nods, ever so slightly. I scratch my chin, and wonder why she had nodded. Was it in approval? Gratitude? Well, whatever. I’ll have a lot of time to think about things like that on the trailer.

I almost don’t notice Twilight. She’s right in between Celestia and Luna, and she’s smiling up at me, her head tilted slightly to the side in curiosity. “So, you want a pacifier, Twilight?”

She nods, and I reach behind me for the next box. I extricate the pacifier, and manage to fit it in between Celestia and Luna. Twilight gratefully clamps down on the pacifier, and I ruffle her tiny mane, before moving onto the next ponies.

Vinyl Scratch, Lyra, and Octavia all try to share the same one. It takes a few tries to get them to understand that each of them needs to have their own pacifier. The first time I give them one, it’s to Lyra. Lyra eagerly takes it, and invites Octavia and Vinyl Scratch to suck on it, as well.

“No, Lyra,” I immediately reprimand her as I realize what she’s doing, “that’s bad. That’s very, very bad. You need to have your own pacifiers, okay?”

I take out two more pacifiers, and give one to Vinyl Scratch, and one to Octavia. The trio smiles, and puts their own in their mouths.

“Good,” I nod, just before they attempt to switch pacifiers.

“No, you guys,” I immediately scold. “We don’t share pacifiers, okay? You can get sick by doing that. You can share everything, but not what you bite, okay?”

Lyra, Octavia, and Vinyl Scratch frown, but put their own pacifiers back in their mouth. I take careful note of the colors, as I have no doubt that when I turn my back, they’ll switch pacifiers.

I offer a pacifier to Rarity, but she refuses, holding hoof up in derision. She obviously doesn’t like the idea of putting anything in her mouth.

“Come on, Rarity,” I coo, poking her lips with the pacifier. “For me?”

I smile at her, and she crosses her forelegs, and turns away. “Okay, your loss,” I sigh, offering the pacifier to Pinkie Pie instead.

Rarity immediately turns around, and holds out her hooves towards my hand. Pinkie Pie’s mouth is opened wide, about to chomp down on the pacifier. I pull the pacifier back, and the pink pony bites nothing but air, and lands on her chest.

“Oh, Pinkie, are you okay?” I ask, helping her up. She frowns at me, and slaps me on the hand with a hoof. “I’m taking that as a yes?”

She wags a hoof at me, as if to say “no, bad daddy!” I raise an eyebrow at her, and kiss her on the forehead. “I’ll give you a pacifier, don’t worry,” I coo as I place her down.

At this point, a high-pitched whine is building up within Rarity. She’s bouncing up and down, and is waving her hooves towards the pacifier in my hand.

“Here you go,” I coo as I pick her up in one arm, and give her the pacifier with the other. She’s about to refuse it, again, when she looks up at me, closes her eyes, and closes her mouth around the pacifier.

In about two seconds, she’s sucking on it like it’s the last source of water on the planet.

With a light chuckle, I turn to get yet another pacifier, and give this one to Pinkie Pie, who is still frowning at me.

“Hey, I’ll make it up to you, I promise,” I whisper as I give her the next pacifier. “Cross my heart and hope to fly, shove a cupcake in my eye, Pinkie Pie,” I add on. She giggles lightly, the sounds muffled by her pacifier. Before she settles down, she grabs my hand, and hugs it, rubbing the side of her face up and down against it.

When she lets go of me, I smile at her, and move on to the next, and last, pony.

Trixie.

She’s positively glaring at me.

“What’s the matter, Trixie?” I ask as I lift a pacifier to her lips. She turns her head away with a small *humph*. “What, you don’t want a pacifier?”

She shakes her head, and crosses her forelegs in denial, her lower lip trembling as she does so.

“What, does somepony need a diaper change?”

She shakes her head, and I reach out to tickle her under the chin. She, however, slaps my hand away with a hoof.

“Hey!” I scold, towering over her with a finger directed right at her face. She shrinks back, and a fear grows, deep within her eyes. “We don’t hit, okay?”

She nods, and gulps. “Good. Now, here’s your pacifier,” I say, a bit more curt than I had intended. Her legs trembling, she takes the pacifier, and immediately pops it in her mouth, tears forming at the edge of her eye as she sucks.

I frown, and gently reach for Trixie. She recoils from my touch, and her lower lip begins to quiver again, and new tears begin to form.

“Hey,” I coo, “hey, hey...What, do you think I’m going to hit you?”

She sniffs, and a few more tears form as she pulls away from my fingers.

“Hey, I’m not going to hit you,” I whisper as gently swoop her up in my arms. She looks me in the eye, and pulls her pacifier out with a hoof, the small ring fitting perfectly around the cloven.

She shakes her head in confusion, obviously asking the question: “You won’t?”

“No, Trixie,” I respond with a big smile, “I’m not going to hit you. I love you.” I hold her close, and kiss her on the side of the head, love coursing through me for this small pony.

I place Trixie down in the drawer. “I love you, Trix’,” I coo. “I’ll never hurt you.”

I turn to the rest of the ponies, and wipe away a tear. “Same goes for you guys,” I whisper. “I’ll never hurt any of you. I love you too much.”

The ponies all smile at me, and I gesture for a group hug.

Somehow, Derpy ends up on her back, on top of Rainbow Dash.

“Hey, there, Derpy,” I coo to her as I help her up. Rainbow Dash breathes a sigh of relief as she stands, the weight off of her back.

“Hey, Peter, the trailer’s here,” Charles says carefully from the bedroom doorway.

I sigh, and stand, ready to change my life completely...