“Watch them while I’m gone, Charles,” I call over my shoulder, mentally running through the checklist as I secure the holster on my waste.

“You sure you should be walking? Why don’t you take the car?”

In response, I pat the Desert Eagle strapped to my belt. “If anyone tries to kill me, I’ll kill ‘em back.” Charles raises an eyebrow at me, and I smile. “We’re in Florida. The Stand your Ground Act lets me do that.”

Charles smirks, and nods to me. “Okay. Go ahead, go get the stuff you need.”

I curtly nod, and he immediately returns to the computer, determinedly searching for new property to both capitalize on, and to live in.

I take extra care to lock the door as I leave, and make some last-minute adjustments to my gun. It’s conveniently concealed by my waistcoat, so nobody will bother me with the licensing bullshit. And, even if they do, I keep the gun’s license on my person at all times.

Anyway, I walk towards the baby store, (which is five blocks away,) shaking my head in disbelief. Who would’ve thought that Orlando would be one of the most dangerous cities in America?

Anyway, as soon as I reach the baby store, I ensure that my gun is completely concealed as I enter the rather large building. Strange, how the buildings in this neighborhood are the largest when they’re the most profitable...

I pick up a few supplies, ranging from crayons and coloring books to pacifiers and baby movies. I absent-mindedly dump them all on the counter, tapping the surface with my credit card in anxiety.

What if Fluttershy goes back under the cushions, and gets crushed this time?

What if Trixie doesn’t join in, and gets lonely?

What if they need a change, and Charles can’t do it himself?

What if...

What if...

I manage to shock myself out of my reverie as the final object is packed into the plastic bag. I look at the total, and release a small *hmph* in present surprise. Most of the stuff is on sale, so it only comes to about two hundred dollars.

Wait...

Wait...

Wait.

Two hundred dollars!?

I mean, I did buy ten movies, and I did buy about sixty coloring books, and I did buy about fifty packs of crayons...

Okay, I think I’m starting to see how it costs this much.

As I replace the credit card in my wallet, I pick up the bags, drop a distracted “have a nice day” to the clerk, and waddle out the front door, the bags weighing me down as I struggle with their weight.

As I agonizingly slowly walk the five blocks back home, I suddenly feel as though someone is watching me. And not in that, “ohmyGodI’msopopular” sense, but that “ohmyGodI’mgoingtodie” sense.

I twist my neck, and see a man leaning out of an alley way. I look back in the direction that I’m walking, and crick my neck.

Once I’ve arrived at the crosswalk, I stop walking, and twist my neck again.

Wow, is this guy bad at covering up his attempts to rob you.

He’s literally just hunched over, aiming right for me.

“Problem?” I ask, staring right at him. He blanches, and immediately stands straight up.

“Uh, no, none at all, man. Thanks for asking, though,” he immediately mumbles, adjusting his dirtied under shirt so that it wasn’t pressed right up against his neck. I see his hand move towards his pocket, and I subtly place my bags down on the ground, and reach for my own pocket, or rather, my holster.

“Actually,” he obviously forces himself to say, sweating profusely as he stares me down. “There is one problem.” He whips out a switchblade, and directs the point straight at my gut. “Wallet and phone, now, bitch,” he growls, smirking at me.

Before he can react, I have the muzzle of my Desert Eagle pressed against his crotch. “Oh, shit,” he mutters, staring down at the gun, sweating profusely. I growl in a much more threatening tone than he could ever muster. “Either you get the fuck out of here, or I’ll shoot your balls off. You hear me, mother fucker?” I disable the safety, and place my finger on the trigger. “I said, get the fuck out of here.”

He immediately draws back his switchblade, nodding furiously as I keep a steady aim on his...Head. He first pulls his crotch back, and then the rest of his body follows suit. He spins on his heels, shoves his hands in his pockets, and walks the other way, hunching his shoulders to avoid arousing suspicion.

I simply holster my gun, (after turning safety on,) turn on my heel, pick up my bags, and keep walking, my heart hammering in my chest as I replay my amazing blunder, in which I didn’t manage to raise my gun to the head I wanted to point it at, over and over again in my head, chuckling as I recall that priceless look on his face...

I silently shut the door, and bring the bags into the living room, (after placing my gun in my bedroom,) to find Charles struggling to contain Rainbow Dash, whose wings are beating furiously, and whose bare flank is an obvious indication as to what was going on.

“Stop...Rainbow...Dash!” Charles grunted, paying no attention to me whatsoever. “You...Need a...Diaper!”

Finally, the cyan Pegasus manages to escape his grip, and I drop my bags, taking care not to step on any ponies as I attempt to catch the blue bullet.

“Rainbow Dash!” I shout, unable to contain my laughter. “Get down here! We need to change your diaper, Dashie!”

The cyan Pegasus flies right into my arms, sending me crashing to the ground. I see Vinyl Scratch, Octavia, and Lyra scattering, as they must have been beneath me as Rainbow Dash...Tackled me.

“Happy to see me, Rainbow Dash?” I coo to the cyan Pegasus. Rainbow Dash looks me in the eye, smiles, and nods. “Charles, get a diaper?”

“Uh, okay, sure...Uh...Let me just...”

I raise my head, and line of vision, above Rainbow Dash’s tiny bush of chromatic mane, and see Charles, tiptoeing around crazy ponies to get to me.

“Here,” he finally says, dropping the diaper and powder next to me. “I’ve got research to do.”

I nod, and pick up Rainbow Dash, rubbing my nose against her muzzle. She giggles, and I immediately dip her onto the diaper, powdering it before I fold it around her legs.

Of course, she tries everything to foil my attempts. Finally, after a few minutes, I press my mouth to her little tummy, and blow, much like you do to a human baby. The cyan filly explodes in laughter, and I take the moment to my advantage to fully diaper her, using the tape tabs to hold it closed. She pouts at me, and I poke her in the belly.

“You’re a feisty little one, Rainbow Poke,” I coo, before sending her off to play with her siblings. I sigh, and look over to Charles. “Dude,” I say, catching his attention, and a pause in his typing. “You’ll never guess what happened...”

He raises an eyebrow, and smiles. “You almost got mugged, and you pressed your gun against their forehead, and they went running scared?”

I smile at him, and subtly point at my crotch. “Other head,” I quip, sitting down to play with the ponies at my feet.

Charles guffaws at me, then explodes in laughter. “You’ve got to be kidding me!”

I shake my head, and release a chuckle myself. “Yeah. He ran like someone had pointed a gun at his crotch. Oh, wait, someone did.”

Charles shakes his head, and wags a finger at me. “Not cool, man. You can point it at their face, but at their dick? No. Never.”

I frown at him, but smile as Celestia worms her way under my hand, using her horn as a wedge to make room for her tiny body. I instantly return my attention to Charles, and frown again. “Don’t curse in front of my children,” I scold. “I don’t want them to hear that kind of language until...Well, ever, in all honesty.”

Charles nods, and mutters a small apology, before returning to my laptop to research more property.

About ten minutes later, I’m sitting on the couch next to him, scratching Fluttershy under the chin with a single finger. “So, what’d you say this is?”

“An old plantation. I have a feeling you’re gonna like it, Peter.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. It has about five or six acres, and the manor is pretty large. It has enough room for the ponies to live comfortably. And, it has electricity, as it was turned into a museum, until everyone in the surrounding five miles moved. So, they ended up just leaving it up to someone to buy, and it was put up on the market just recently. And, we were the highest bidder by twenty dollars. The bidding just ended now.”

I guffaw at him. “Wait, wait, wait, wait...You just bought this fu-” I catch myself, as Fluttershy’s ears are wide open. “You just bought this fantastic house, without asking me about it first?”

Charles smirks at me. “Good save. Anyway, yes, I did.”

“Oh? And what makes you think I’ll like it?”

“There’s nobody around it. Nobody at all.”

“Where is it, then?”

A sharp intake of air came before the delicate information. “It’s in Kansas.”

I almost slap him. “KANSAS!?”

“Calm down, I-”

“HOW IN THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO GET THE PONIES TO KANSAS, CHARLES!?”

“If you would shut up for a second, I could-”

“THEY COULD DIE ON THE WAY!”

“I have a license for driving trailers! I can buy a nice trailer; we can get a few air mattresses, and tell the FBI we’re moving! They’re obviously rather interested with the ponies, I’m sure they’d be eager to keep them out of the city!”

I stop, and draw back, blushing a bright red. “Oh...Right...Riiiight...”

Charles rolls his eyes, and curiosity grips me. “How’d you get that license, anyway?”

“Oh, after some nigg-” Thank God he caught himself. “I mean, after some guy stole half of my furnishings for a new property, I decided to do most of the delicate procedures myself, such as transporting the furnishings themselves. Also, Trump made it a requirement, but only for me.”

“Trump? As in, the Donald Trump?”

“Yeah. I didn’t always work here, I worked in New York. If I had started my own tycoon, he would’ve shut me down immediately. So, I applied for a job as a portfolio manager there. He fired me almost immediately, when all of those buildings burned down...It was tragic, really. In NYC, there’s plenty of efficient FDNY stations, but believe me that certain fires just can’t be stopped.”

I nod, and shrug. “Well, let’s hope that Orange Trump doesn’t catch up to us any time soon.”

Charles rolls his eyes, and gestures to the bag of supplies I brought home. “What’s in the bag?”

“Coloring books, crayons, movies, pacifiers, stuff like that.”

“Ah. Well, I’ll look for a trailer.”

I nod, and kiss Fluttershy on the forehead before crossing the room to my television stand, where my house phone rests in the cradle. Along the way, I practically have to play hopscotch, as Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Big Mac, and Pinkie Pie all feel the necessity to run as close as possible to my feet.

And finally manage to trip me.

I land flat on my back, and a plethora of colorful ponies surround me. I feel a bump forming on my head, and I realize I hit the television stand, and managed to knock the house phone out of the cradle and onto the floor, by my head.

It rings before I get a chance to stand.

See what I did thar?
Close calls?
The phone was close to his head when the call came in?
Huzzah for really bad and unintentional puns that should have remained undiscovered!