The Conversion Bureau - The Return of the King
All Shook Up by Dan's Comments
Disclaimer: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.
Godzilla is the property of Toho Company Ltd.

The Vanhoover fleet was less than a third the size it was as it returned to harbor, harried the entire way by the legions of Newfoals and their allies. Not a single one of the lighter ships had returned, and none of the airships. The Newfoal flying force had included groups of unicorns seated on carpets that flew through the air. Those unicorns 'assisted' their Orca allies in making a meal of the ponies aboard the lost ships, and what had happened in the air did not bear thinking about. Few airships had crashed, most had simply stopped and drifted with the wind. The idea of recovering what were likely floating abattoirs appealed to no one.

"Send a signal to Los Pegasus commander, we need to coordinate strategy, before they decide to make landfall," the surviving commander said. The Grand Admiral's ship had been lost, when it had been pushed underwater by a team of unicorns. When it bobbed to the surface, nopony was aboard.

"Outriders report that the enemy has returned to the mainland, and they are caring for their wounded."

"Thank you . . . Discord," the commander said as she sighed and returned the draconequus' sloppy salute, "Is that true or just another of your games?"

"It is true, and another of my games, just a little lesson in why the humans reached the pinnacle of land power, why the orcas will not mess with them, even as Newfoals, and now that Equestria is on Earth, playing by Earth rules, you had better prepare documents of surrender, and pray that the Newfoals are more merciful to their fallen enemies than you ponies ever were. All they need do is say 'you're on your own', and this planet will eat you all alive," Discord said, and grinned. "So please, be the stuck-up, arrogant Little - Ponies I know you can be. It'll be more fun to watch that way."

The commander sighed as Discord disappeared. "Get my message off, and assume that what he said is true about the enemy restoring their wounded." She sighed again. "I hate Newfoals."
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Luna waited, she'd gotten very good at waiting. Too good, she thought she sat in her antechamber in clear view of the little, windows of the door. She'd heard someone approaching several minutes ago, and she had almost all that she could stand to not wrench the door open and throw herself into the creature's arms. She didn't care what the response was, cuddling or beating, it would be someone other than herself paying attention to her.

Instead, she sighed and waited. Every click and creak and groan beyond the portal fed her fears and doubts. She thought it might be welding equipment, that they would seal themselves in, rather than deal with Celestia's sister. Or worse, they might have finally give up hope, and what she was hearing were their corpses and equipment bumping around in the space-borne cenotaph. The last vestige of the human race, ending at its own hand.

Such fancies made her heart pound with every noise, with every shadow that passed over the little windows. She briefly considered a scrying spell, but realized that any show of magic would frighten them worse than she was frightening herself. So she waited, endlessly long minutes, tantalized by noises, and flayed by her own fears.

The sound of the hatch unbolting nearly made her jump. What she heard next sent any hopes or elation crashing down in fiery doom to the planet below.

"She opens the hatch to what may be a ravening, soul-sucking monster such as this world has been scourged with," Discord said from behind a video camera.

Why is there a crank on it? Luna wondered, To match the crank behind it?

"Will Luna break the fragile truce, by leaping into Collins' arms, Collins, the most motherly of the crew standing alone and troubled facing what she fears is the scion of Equestrian Xenocide? Luna, wanting, needing in way humans don't yet understand, the contact with other creatures. To be held and cuddled, to feel the warmth and scent the aroma of others beginning a comfort few humans could understand," Discord said as he moved about the corridor to get the best views. "And Collins, holding the harmless toy, will it be perceived as a weapon, with this attempt at connection be perceived as an act of war and result in the death of the human crew, and the death of hope in the pony princess. Yes the tension here can be cut with a knife."

The human turned and gave the most ponylike scowl at Discord. Luna couldn't help it, she laughed.

"Oh, Luna makes a noise, will Collins interpret it as the anguished cry of a madpony and fear for her life and soul, will she -"

"Stuff your camera in your mouth so you won't record for posterity that you actually assisted in this meeting being peaceful and having common ground. We can talk about how irritating you are even if we have no other subject on which to agree," Collins said, holding the camera firmly against Discord's tonsils.

"N prblm," Discord said and vanished.

"So," Collins said as she put the more advanced books on science and psychology away. Books Luna wold love to go through later. Collin set a rug down on Luna's side of the barrier. "Let's see what an ear scratching session does for interdimensional diplomacy."

As Luna nearly quivered in anticipation, the human woman sat down awkwardly in the gravity she wasn't accustom to, and let Luna place her head in her lap. "Don't worry," Collins said, "The history books will clean it up."
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"Traitor!" the Grand Commander from Vanhoover screamed at the Grand Admiral from Los Pegasus, "You turned back?"

"So did you," the Grand Admiral replied, "Only after losing two-thirds of your forces." He was the epitome of calm, in stark contrast to the sputtering wildcat across the table. "And that was before we hit the Equestrian Newfoals' defenders. I did not bring all these soldiers here to throw them away in a show of loyalty to a crown that will not respond to even the most urgent messages."

"Then we should redouble our efforts!" the Grand Commander insisted.

"Excuse me," Discord said, then he arrived. "Have any of you thought to send an emissary to Canterlot."

"It is no longer there," the Grand Admiral said quietly, "So, since you've decided to grace us with your presence, and this was all no doubt your plan, feel free to brag. I think I prefer you to - other alternatives." The Grand Commander stared daggers at the Grand Admiral.

"Celly's alive, just off in her own world." He rolled his eyes. "She's discovering that making new people isn't as easy as stealing them, and from what you humans and ponies have shown, isn't nearly as much fun as the old-fashioned way. Princess Cadence is with the Newfoals, Princess Luna is with the humans in the space station. And yes, I did bring most of Equestria here, and rearranged things a bit. You two are facing England and Portugal, rather than the Eastern Seaboard of the United States and the Maritime Provinces of Canada."

"You turned the continent around?" the Grand Commander gasped.

"Of course he did you ignorant toff!" the Grand Admiral said, "Do continue."

"Well, I added Newfoal Island as you call it. It's in the Indian Ocean. The other continent is in the Pacific. All very neatly done I might add. Equestria is here, and you're playing by Earth rules now. I suggest you get down on your knees and ask the Newfoals how they did it. Because a lot of migratory animals are going to be very interested in the new source of food. You."

"What makes you think we can learn anything from those crippled half-breeds?" the Grand Commander asked.

Discord grew angry, he glanced at the Grand Admiral, who bowed and slid the tea tray over to him, then he focused on the Grand Commander.

"Let us look at you ponies for a moment. In terms of ecological damage: You engaged in a war over stealing resources from the people who actually made them, to the point that you exterminated all life on an entire continent. That's something humans have never done, and short of an all-out nuclear bombardment, something humanity couldn't do. And after a thousand plus years, there is no sign of you ponies either taking responsibility for cleaning up your mess, or actually starting remediation efforts. The Newfoals' superweapon started that effort within hours of coming into existence, so the separatists could live in peace. And the once-human Newfoals have continued it."

"You ponies talk of friendship, kindness, etc. Let's see how that works out. You enslave the cows and sheep, who are as sentient as you are. Buffalo, mules and donkeys are treated as second-class citizen in their own lands, as are the Newfoals. So that kind of gives that entire concept of ponies being friendly a black eye. In ancient time, humans became friends with dogs, their greatest competitor, and leopards, another hunter competitor. Once they had agriculture, they added small, hunting cats to protect their food stores. Now, they've added orcas to that list and are expanding it. The simple fact is, as far as making friends is concerned, HUMANITY IS BETTER AT IT THAN YOU PONIES!" Discord thundered, driving the Grand Commander back on her hooves.

"Cream?" the Grand Admiral asked.

"Two lumps," Discord replied. The Grand Admiral shrugged and winged him with a couple of glass ashtrays before sliding the cream to him. "Thanks."

"Let's look at a few high-points in your history. Icing over an entire continent and completely denying you had any part of it, until you started doing it to another continent, and the leaders weren't the ones who fixed it. And no effort to undo what you did. One of your Diarchs let an omnicidal spirit take control of her, because she was jealous of her sister. Another magical pony enslaved his entire population and kept them in terrified thrall until either they quit having children, or all the children died."

"So all in all, which is the worse species, who are the monsters? Does every single leader you raise up eventually become a slaver or a genocide, or in Celestia's case, both? It does seem to make it clear that she saw humans and was jealous, so she didn't just wipe them out and erase their existence from history, but attempted to enslave them to her will."

"Let me clairify that for the slower among you. You ponies weren't what she wanted, so she had to try to destroy another race to hammer them into the form she did want. You aren't better than humans. You're even a disappointment to your own god."

The Grand Admiral applauded. His staff soon joined in. While Discord bowed, the Grand Commander and her staff stared aghast.

"How do we bring this to a successful conclusion?" the Grand Admiral asked, and sipped his tea.

"You're taking advice from him?" the Grand Commander shrieked.

"He seems more invested in our survival than you are. I don't care if he suggests a mass assault with foam rubber swords and water balloons full of custard, as long as it prevents the effusion of blood," the Grand Admiral said, "And in case you didn't notice, our target is 4000 miles distant, not two hundred. Assuming that the nearest approach would take us to the Newfoals' city."

"It doesn't," Discord said.

"I thought not," the Grand Admiral said, "Our enemies are content to pen us in, and have vastly greater numbers. I am content to attempt to live up to Equestria's ideals, rather than our past perversion of them. How do we extend the hand of friendship, and failing that, how do we equitably surrender?"

"I'll have a delegation here tomorrow morning," Discord said and vanished.

"You can't do that!" the Grand Commander said.

The Grand Admiral shot to his hooves. "Clap that foal in irons!" he ordered, "When Discord is making more sense than one of my junior officers, it is time to take steps. Find some Newfoal who remembers the works of Monty Python's Flying Circus and have them recite it to the prisoner until she comes to her senses or get a sense of humor."

"You can't do that," The Grand Commander said, but she and her staff were overpowered by marines.

"Earlier commission, so yes I can," the Grand Admiral said, "Finally got a promotion and it took bloody Godzilla and the Conversion Bureau to do it, so I am not messing this up. Now, what kind of terms are we to come to?"