Her friends stared at her with varying levels of disbelief as she finished her tale. Twilight looked back blankly. Now that she thought it, it was kind of crazy to be telling this story, wasn’t it? Well, too late now.

“Wowee!” It was Pinkie Pie who broke the quiet. She elbowed Rarity with a grin. “I told you the Princesses knew how to party.”

“Uh, yeah,” responded Twilight, with a light blush. “I still haven’t gotten around to trying all the stuff she told me about.”

“I imagine few ponies have, Twilight. Except for maybe a certain scandalous earth pony to my right,” said Rarity, with a wave in Pinkie’s direction.

“I totally have!”

“I do believe I’d rather like to meet this Purple Prose, though,” said Rarity, fanning herself lightly.

“Might be a bit outside your age bracket, Rarity,” responded Twilight with a wry grin.

“Fine wines only get better with time, dear.”

“Man, what is it with you and older ponies?” interjected Rainbow Dash. “I have enough trouble with dates tiring out as soon as the real fun starts and they’re only as old as I am.”

“Oh, there’s a lot to be said for experience,” put in Fluttershy, to the mild surprise of all involved. “Work smart, not hard, right?”

Rarity nodded. “And besides, Dash, that’s what you get for dating for nothing but pegasi.” She grinned slyly. “It’s all about speed with them.”

Before Rainbow Dash could protest that she had no such standards regarding the race of her partners or otherwise rise to that particular bait, Twilight turned to one side, asking in a voice that was loud enough to drown out the rest…

“So how about you Applejack?”

“Hmph. Well, mine’s a bituva two-parter, I suppose.” replied Applejack, gesturing with some help from a tankard of cider. “Anyhow, I was out doin’ some light work in the fields, which was about all I was big enough for at the time…”

A much younger Applejack shoved another basket full of ripe, red fruit into place. She was just about done for the day, which was good ‘cause the barn was just about full up now. She wiped her brow, which accomplished little other than to move some of the sweat and dirt on her head to a slightly different location, grabbed an apple out of the basket, and turned around to head back. A noise, a grunt or something, caught her attention as she munched on her snack. Probably just the cows. A herd had wandered in a yesterday, and would surely wander off by tomorrow, as was their way. They were fairly dull creatures, in her experience, but Applejack had been raised to be a good neighbor, so she turned their way and gave them a wave. They didn’t react much, which was hardly surprising. The grunting was still going on, and it was now punctuated by a loud bellow.

“Now what’re they on about?” she asked to no one in particular. Applejack paused a moment to give the herd a closer look.

There were twenty-five, maybe thirty of them. Mostly heifers, of course, and a few young ‘uns. The bull was the one making that racket. His back was to her, and he was…Applejack tilted her head and tried to figure out what in the hay she was looking at here.

The bull appeared to be stuck on one of the heifers. Or, more like he was trying to climb up over her, but couldn’t quite make it? Over and over again. Seemed to be having a good time of it though. So did the heifer, from the look of her. The other cows didn’t seem to care one way or another, though a couple did whisper back and forth to each other, exchanging gossipy grins as they gestured to the action behind them.

AJ took another bite out of the apple. “Huh…”

Granny Smith and Big McIntosh were approaching, each head-pushing a basket of their own.

“Hey Big Mac! What’re they doin’?” asked Applejack, pointing at the noisy pair of bovines.

McIntosh stopped his work and looked up and over in his typical fashion. Which is to say, slowly. Then his eyes kind of bugged out and shot very quickly back down to the basket.

“They uh…I dunno. Nuthin’.”

He proceeded to shove his half-barrel of apples much more quickly than before, staring fixedly at the ground the entire time.

Applejack raised an eyebrow. That was different.

“Come on now, let’s head inside, AJ.” Mac ushered his little sister toward the house, pointedly not looking back toward the herd. This was made difficult by them being in plain view, right near the road that led home.

“What’s ‘at now?” asked Granny Smith, looking up from her basket at the siblings.

“Nuthin’ Granny, just headin’ ho-“ He was interrupted by another ecstatic bellow from across the way. Mac winced. Granny cocked an ear and looked over toward the noise.

Applejack jumped on the opportunity to go over her brother’s head. “What’re they doin’ Granny?” Granny Smith was usually more forthcoming than him about, well, pretty much everything.

Macintosh looked distinctly uncomfortable as his grandmother adjusted her glasses for a closer inspection of the cows. There was a brief pause, and then…

“Hah! What’s the matter boy,” she jabbed Mac in the ribs with an elbow. “Jealous? Yer a big ‘un son, but you ain’t ever gonna match up to a bull. Er maybe ya got a fancy for one them heifers? Eh?” Granny snorted another laugh and said to Applejack, “Don’t you worry about what they’re up to for now, girl. Granny’ll tell you alllllll about it sometime soon.”

“Hah! Seriously!? That’s how you found about sex? From a couple of cows doin’ it?” Rainbow Dash slammed her mug on the table and cackled.

“My word,” said Rarity, “That sounds absolutely dreadful.” Her friends pretended to ignore the minor blush that she was attempting to fan away.

“Yeah, dreadful. Anyway,” began Dash, “Who’s up?”

“Story ain’t done yet, beggin’ yer pardon,” interjected Applejack, directing a glare at the pegasus. “That ain’t how I learned about it, eg-sactly. That was just somethin’ I saw one day.”

“Well then why’d you even tell us all that?” asked Rainbow.

“Cause it’s per-tin-ent,” she said, over-pronouncing the fancy-sounding word in her idiosyncratic style. AJ had been trying to expand her vocabulary lately. “And it’s mah story an’ I’ll tell it how I want.” She thumped her stein on the table as though that settled the issue. “Anyhow, it weren’t ‘till later, after I saw somethin’ else, that I really learned what was what.”

~~~

This time, it was in the evening. It had been a ways since the last story, and Applejack was out chasing off various crop-eating critters with the help of a little pup named Winona. They’d been at it for a half hour or so when Winona’s ears perked up at what sounded a bit like a scream. High pitched, and not loud, but still. It was oddly out of place in the otherwise idyllic scene. Suspecting there might be trouble, Applejack set the farm dog to work.

“Go find ‘em Winona! I’m right behind ya!”

Winona ran off towards the barn, with Applejack falling in behind. The dog barked every few seconds to keep her pony on track. When Applejack caught up to her a few moments later, Winona was sitting outside the barn, staring into the slightly ajar door, head cocked to one side.

“What’d ya find, girl?” she whispered, creeping up on the entrance. Winona looked over briefly as Applejack scratched her head. There was someone in there, that much was clear. AJ could hear a feminine voice, and occasionally a deeper bass. But what they doing? A lot of panting going on. Some kind of exercise? Wait, was Mac having one of those dances that she didn’t get to go to because she was ‘too young?’ Well, she’d show them to have fun without her! Applejack threw open the barn door.

“I know what yer up to! You can’t…uh.”

This…was not a dance she was familiar with. It was, in fact, eerily similar to that thing she’d seen those cows doing a while back. Except it was Big McIntosh. And some mare. Frizzy mane, all pink…Was that Cheerilee? And they were a lot closer than the cows were, so Applejack could see what was actually happening there and Cheerliee was screaming now and-

“Dang it, Applejack! Get outta here!”

-and Big Mac was hollering at her and Applejack was suddenly running away.

“HAHAHAHAHAHA! Awesome!” Rainbow Dash beat her hoof against the table several times while she regained enough composure to speak. “You were right, Twilight, we should have had this talk years ago!”

“Oh,” whispered Rarity, blushing rather more deeply than before. “My.”

“Oh, it keeps goin’,” said Applejack.

Big McIntosh slunk toward the door and poked his head through the farmhouse entry. He saw Applejack at the dinner table, staring at him wide-eyed. She could guess what he was thinking; Dang it. He saw Granny Smith on the other side of the table. She looked angry. Double Dang it. Even little Apple bloom was there. She waved at him happily, being still too young to speak or understand much. Dang it again.

“I am very disappointed in yew, young feller,” began Granny, with a frown.

McIntosh, with typical aplomb, said nothing.

The moment hung about for a bit. Then…

Granny Smith’s glower broke down into a friendly smile and a jovial laugh. “Alright, enough of all that. That was just me havin’ a little fun is all. Ain’t nobody in trouble. Git in here stud, we gotta have a chat. I figure yer sister oughta hear it too.”

~~~

“Aww, man, you got it from Granny Smith!?” cackled Rainbow Dash. “That might be even better!”

“I’d love to see a transcript of that conversation,” interjected Rarity. “I can only imagine the ah, colorful metaphors.”

Applejack ignored them, being too busy grinning into the depths of her cider mug.

“Well, if y’all wanna hear an even better story ‘bout Mac...That uh, that weren’t the only time I walked in on him. Ya’ll keep this one to yerselves though, right? I ain’t never told nobody this story.”

Her friends leaned in.

“This was a few years back, ya see…”

“Hooooooo-wee!” The door slammed shut behind Applejack as she weaved through it. “That sure were a hootenanny, if ever I saw one.”

It was the aftermath of the latest town festival, and Applejack was quite drunk. These things happen.

She rummaged through the kitchen for a bit, with no particular goal in mind. While seated at the table, halfway through eating a fritter or something, an idea occurred to her. Wait, when had she gotten a fritter? Was that what this was? Didn’t matter. Mac was gonna love that joke Pinkie'd told her earlier! It was crucially important that she tell him about it, right now.

Applejack stumbled up the stairs to her room. It was tricky on three legs, because apparently she had decided that she’d better bring the fritter or whatever with her, and also…Oh yeah! She was going to Mac’s room. Right. Bouncing off a wall or two, AJ found the door to her brother’s room and unceremoniously kicked it open, announcing…

“Hey Mac! You gotta hear thiAAAAAHHHAHAHA!”

Applejack stumbled backward into the hall, laughing madly. She backed up blindly until she hit a corner and then fell gracelessly onto her butt.

“Sorry Heartstrings!” Applejack waved to the nebulous forms before her. Mac was dating Heartstrings or something right? He’d mentioned her anyway…Applejack had failed to close the door on her way out, but it rapidly slammed shut. “Didn’t mean to interrupt!” She was still laughing and picking herself up off the floor when it cracked open and Big McIntosh thrust his head out. He fixed her with a glare fit to kill a dragon and whispered sharply…

“That! Ain’t! Heartstrings!”

Everyone at the table had a good laugh at that, but they were starting to get concerned for Rainbow Dash. She had collapsed laughing onto the table a minute ago and was still heaving for breath.

“Did you ever find out who it was, that night?” asked Rarity, while they waited to see if Rainbow would survive.

“Nah, nah. Mac never really wanted to talk about it, if ya can imagine that.” Applejack took another pull off of her mug.

Dragging herself up from table, Rainbow’s first words were “I think this might be the best night of my life.”

“Why’s that?” asked AJ. “I mean, it’s a funny story an’ all, fer sure, but—”

“Because it was me, you dork!” exclaimed Dash, cackling again and collapsing back onto the table.

For one sublime moment of silence, Applejack stared mutely at her erstwhile friend. Her next word echoed through the tavern.

“Whut?”

“Wait, no,” interjected Twilight. “It couldn’t have been you, because I was the one with him when…” Twilight was cut off as Applejack’s scorching glare whipped over to her. “I mean. Um.”

“Whut!?”

“Oh…ohmygosh,” staggered Rainbow Dash. “It, it happened twice and you were so drunk you forgot about one of them!? Best. Night. Ever!!”

Applejack slammed both hooves onto table with enough force to shake the room, then bellowed “How many of the rest of you traitors done been bangin’ my brother!? And don’t y’all even try an’ lie to me!”

The entire bar went stone cold silent. A moment passed. Then another. Finally, a little, yellow, trembling hoof rose into the air.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t know you’d be upset,” whispered Fluttershy from her hiding place under the table.

Applejack’s eye twitched. Her nascent stream of invective fell dead as more hooves slowly rose throughout the bar. There was Cheerilee, but she knew about that one already. Cloudkicker, of course, no surprise there. Heartstrings. Sweetie Drops. Mayor Mare? Mrs. Cake!? Mr. Cake!?!? Half the dang bar had a hoof in the air!

Applejack screwed her eyes shut and ground both hooves into her temples. After a while, she blew out a huge breath, finally opening her eyes as she fell back into her seat. “Double dog Dang it.”

“Aw, c’mon AJ, that’s not a nice thing to say. And besides he’s one of the only available stallions in town!” chirped Pinkie Pie. “You should be happy he’s making so many other ponies so happy!”

Applejack made no particular response other than to stare at the table in front of her for a while. When she finally spoke, it was to say…

“Yeah, fine, whatever…Somepony get me a drink.”

“Here ya go!” beamed Pinkie Pie, pouring her friend a shot of something dark, fragrant, and slightly unnerving. It seemed to ripple in the glass with a life all its own. Applejack picked up the bottle and read ‘Blackest Pit Whiskey.’ The tagline stated ‘You won’t remember nothin’!’

“Perfect.” The orange pony threw back her drink, choosing not to reflect on how Pinkie could have possibly had the perfect booze on hand, just waiting for this particular occasion. “Who’s up next?” She leaned back and stuck her head under the table. “How about you, ya hussy?” There was no actual malice in her voice now, just a sort of weary acceptance.

The clink of glasses and murmur of voices and all the other sounds of normal bar activity gradually resumed as Fluttershy inched her way up and resumed her place at the table.

Author's Notes:

You have Joe Shogun's personal experience to thank for most of Applejack's story.

Personal Experience - the most hilarious kind, for everyone but you.