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Hey, Batter! Volume 1: Failure

by A_Mormon Brony

Chapter 10: Chapter 9: The Execution of Pinkie Pie

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As I resume the game, I find my character being probed by Weed Whacker. As he turns to look at the herbivorous dinosaur, I notice a rolled-up scroll in her mouth.

My character takes the scroll, unrolls it, and I read aloud: “In anticipation of the execution scheduled later today, and due to the death of Rainbow Dash, you and your friends are requested and required to attend a meeting in the courtroom. There, the next ponies to hold the elements of loyalty and laughter will be announced, and said ponies will be invited to accept said elements. After the ceremony, all in attendance will be lead out to the guillotine where Pinkamena Diane Pie will be executed.

“Signed, Princess Celestia Princess Luna”

I hear a mournful whinny from my character's feet. As my character looks to the source, I see that indeed it's Lyra crying, the blanket under her head developing a growing, somewhat darkened spot. As my character turns to Weed Whacker, I can see that she's also grieving, somehow reminding me of another fictional dinosaur, a parasaurolophus from a movie series.

I say, “I understand how you feel. But, this is something we need to do. So, let's get going.” With that, my character leaves the bed and makes his way to the door.

The unicorn and dinosaur follow close after my character, and we make our way out the door, to meet five more ponies and one dragon, all of which are moping.

As the party of nine slowly makes their way to the courtroom, Applejack says, “Ah can't believe we're given' up on Pinkie Pie. How can she and Rainbow Dash be replaced, just like that?”

I open my mouth to say that Pinkie Pie already gave up, but then I think it better to keep such a thought to myself, and I close my mouth again.

On the way to the courtroom, in fact, Applejack is the only one that says anything.

Once we get there, we're met by two surprises: Applejack's brother Big MacIntosh, and Rarity's sister Sweetie Belle.

The conversations between Applejack and Big Mac and between Rarity and Sweetie Belle are pretty much identical. Applejack and Rarity ask what their sibling is doing there, and Big Mac and Sweetie Belle answer that they don't know, but that they got a letter from the princesses ordering them to come to the castle in Canterlot as soon as they could.

Before Applejack, Big Mac, Rarity and Sweetie Belle can think about it too much, the two alicorn sisters make their way through their doors on each side of the courtroom, and behind the judge's desk. Evidently, Princess Celestia's door has been either repaired or replaced by now, most likely replaced.

As I watch Princess Celestia make her way to her position, I notice that Pinkie Pie is also in position, in the wooden cage, evidently waiting for her replacement. Whereas she seemed resolute the night before, I can see her trembling now, clearly terrified.

The commotion dies down as the white alicorn taps a front hoof on the judge's desk and calls out, “Order, order in the court.” Then, as soon as the room is quiet, she continues, “We are here to present one pony with the element of loyalty, and another with the element of laughter. Big MacIntosh Apple, will you please step forward?”

The red earth stallion canters a few steps forward and stops, then emits a stoic “Eeyup.”

Princess Celestia, focusing on the red earth pony, says, “In light of the death of Rainbow Dash, it is clear that the Mane Six needs a new member to carry the element of loyalty. And, it has been decided that you will be the one to hold that element.”

In something as close to a whine as a deep voice like his can muster, Big Mac says, “No! Princess Celestia, there's already an Apple in the Mane Six. And, besides, how can Ah, a stallion earth pony, replace a pegasa like Rainbow Dash? Please, Princess, isn't there another pegasa that can replace her?”

Princess Luna answers, “Thou has not been chosen to replace Rainbow Dash, but to hold the element that she held. Thou needs not be a pegasus to hold the element of loyalty, just be the best to represent the element. And, with the loss of Rainbow Dash, thou can represent loyalty better than anypony we know. So, do thou, Big MacIntosh Apple, accept the element of loyalty?”

Now, let me interrupt the story for a few seconds to let you know that I'm fully aware of how badly the pronoun “thou” was used. But, it's evident to me, in episodes of My Little Pony Friendship is Magic, that second-person familiar pronouns are generally not properly used, least of all by Princess Luna. The use of the pronoun “thou” in this instance is simply to reflect how I've observed Princess Luna use it in the animated series.

Now, back to the story, the shaken earth pony sniffles, rubs his nose with a forelimb, then says, his voice cracking, “Ah … accept.”

As soon as Princess Celestia dismisses him, his sister trots forward to his side to guide him back to the audience.

Once Big Mac is back in the audience, Princess Celestia says, “Now, Sweetie Belle, please step forward.”

As my character turns to the little white unicorn, I can see her trembling, seemingly frozen in place.

Her sister, Rarity, nudges her forward, to the position Big Mac had taken previously.

Once in the position on the floor, Sweetie Belle turns to her sister and props herself up on Rarity's forelimbs and pleads, “Rarity, I'm scared. Don't make me do this.”

In a comforting voice, Rarity says, “Now, Sweetie Belle, I'm sure it'll be alright. No need to worry. I'll be here with you.”

Before the little filly can protest further, Princess Celestia says, “As Pinkamena Diane Pie is no longer worthy to hold the element of laughter, another pony must carry it now. And, it is our decision that you, Sweetie Belle, are best qualified to bear the element of laughter.”

Presently, the little white unicorn pushes away from her older sister, turns to the princesses, and says, “If the mane six can have two members from the same family, then I can see I won't be able to excuse myself with that. But, Ma'am, please, I'm too young to bear an elephant.”

Ripples of laughter echo throughout the room.

I can't help laughing at the statement either, and I can see even Pinkie Pie is chuckling at it.

The princesses themselves are having trouble keeping their composure.

Sweetie Belle turns to her sister and innocently asks, “Why is everypony laughing?”

After a few seconds, it's Princess Luna, still not quite able to keep the laugh out of her voice, who answers, “Thou has proven your right to the element of laughter. And, thou are not too young to make others laugh. So, will thou accept the element of laughter?”

Rarity looks down at her sister and says, “You have the rest of us to help you adapt to your element. But, the decision is yours to make.”

The little white unicorn turns and looks at Pinkie Pie, who's still chuckling lightly at the elephant comment.

In response, the pink earth pony nods and salutes her.

Finally, Sweetie Belle turns to the princesses again and says, “Alright, I accept. I'll learn how to bear an elephant.”

Again laughter echoes through the room.

In the mean time, Princess Celestia says, “Excellent. Now, if all but the remaining four of the Mane Six, Mormon, Big MacIntosh, and Sweetie Belle will leave, one of the guards will escort you to the outer court.”

As ponies and dragons make their way out of the room, the Princesses make their way from behind the judge's desk and to the middle of the courtroom.

In the mean time, Pinkie Pie is escorted to the middle of the room, and Big Mac and I make our approach from our own positions to the center of the room.

As soon as the room is clear of all but the requested ponies and my character, Princess Celestia says, “Big MacIntosh Apple, if you'll step forward first, we'll confer on you the element of loyalty now.”

The red earth pony steps forward and, although trembling, still manages a slightly-less-than-stoic “Eeyup.”

The white alicorn then turns and focuses on something to my character's left and says, “Rainbow Dash, will you approach?”

It is to my surprise that I see the blue pegasa with the rainbow mane and tail appear next to my character and drift toward the princesses and Big Mac, saying, “Yes, princess.”

Princess Celestia closes her eyes and puts her horn as close to the visual manifestation of the pegasa spirit as possible. Someone who didn't know better would think the two were actually touching.

The white alicorn's horn glows for a few seconds, then stops, and she then turns her horn toward Big Mac.

In the mean time, Rainbow Dash says, in a sad tone, “I'm going to miss representing loyalty. And, I never got a chance to join the Wonderbolts. I wonder if I'll be able to do a sonic rainboom without a body.”

Just after Rainbow Dash finishes talking, Princess Celestia opens her eyes and says, “Big MacIntosh Apple, I bestow upon you the element of loyalty from Rainbow Dash. Remember that you now represent this element of harmony as a member of the Mane Six. Now, go forth, and learn all you can about loyalty, and represent it the best you can.”

As the red earth pony backs away from the two princesses, he's silent, either by choice or because he can find nothing to say, or both.

Then, Sweetie Belle, unbidden, steps forward past Big Mac.

Pinkie Pie is guided out of her cage next to the little white unicorn filly.

Princess Celestia closes her eyes again and touches her horn to the pink pony's head. Her horn glows again, and for a few seconds the two seem frozen in time. Then, the white alicorn moves her horn toward Sweetie Belle, and Pinkie Pie starts sobbing.

I find myself wanting to do something, either to comfort Pinkie Pie or ask if she's alright. But, I find myself unable to do any of those things, unable to direct my character to do any of those things.

After a few seconds of Princess Celestia touching her horn to Sweetie Belle's head, the white alicorn backs away, her horn ceasing to glow.

At that point, I hear Pinkie Pie whimper, “I've lost everything now.”

My character turns to see the pink earth pony, and I can see that even her cutie mark on her hip has disappeared.

In the mean time, I hear Princess Celestia say, “Sweetie Belle, I bestow upon you the element of laughter from Pinkamena Diane Pie. Remember that you now represent this element of harmony as a member of the Mane Six. Now, go forth, and learn all you can about laughter, and represent it the best you can.” I then hear her add, “You will carry Pinkie Pie's cutie mark until you earn your own.”

As my character turns his attention to the little white unicorn, I notice that indeed she has on her hip, the one I can see anyway, the three balloons, two blue and a third yellow between them, that had once been on Pinkie Pie.

The pink earth pony's head eclipses my character and Sweetie Belle as I hear the pink pony say, “Take care of that element, Sweetie Belle. If my experience of the past few days can be any kind of example to you, let it be an example of what not to do.” She then turns to my character and says, "Now, before we leave, I have a story to tell you. I'm sure you remember back in that basement, when I tried to take revenge on you for what you said to those three stallions. When you left, I wondered aloud to myself why I couldn't get a proper Pinkie promise from you.

"Well, as I stood there wondering, I was suddenly aware of another pony in the room. She looked just like me, except she was wearing this dress made of patches of pony skins, each one with a cutie mark on it. The dress had six wings, one of each of a different pegasus or pegasa. She also had a necklace with six unicorn horns. She promised that I could become an alicorn princess like her if I could get my revenge on you, by killing the ponies you'd make friends with.

"I was so angry at the time that I couldn't think clearly. So, I agreed to do what she told me to do.

"She told me to wait for you at that place where you stopped Gilda from causing trouble. Then, while I watched you, you did something I didn't expect. You helped Fluttershy.

"At that point, I started questioning my decision about getting revenge on you. When I left the town square, and started heading to Sugar Cube Corner, the strange pony stopped me, and I told her about what you did. She said you were trying to confuse me, and that I should still try to get my revenge on you. She promised she'd give me special powers if I went ahead and got my revenge on you. And, she said the best way for me to do that was to throw a party and invite you to it. Then, whoever left the party first would be the one I should kill first. Well, I was the element of laughter, and parties were my specialty. So, I agreed to do that. I just didn't expect Gilda to be the first to leave the party. But, since the strange pony didn't specify that it had to be a pony that left first, I decided I should go ahead and kill Gilda first. And, the strange pony didn't even sound disappointed that it was Gilda that I chose to kill first.

"Another thing I didn't expect was for Gilda to be so much fun to kill. Remember when I said I cut out her tongue because of her being such a potty mouth?"

At this point, I hear Ataahua's voice say, "Yes, I remember."

Pinkie Pie continues, "Well, that's not exactly true. She kept talking about there being two of me in the room, and that I shouldn't be listening to the demon next to me. It was the strange pony that told me to cut out Gilda's tongue. She also told me how to make the braces I used to hold her to that cement bed on the wall, the braces that also held you, Derpy, and you, Rainbow Dash, there. Anyway, the way that strange pony taught me to butcher Gilda while she was still alive, it was so much fun. She fought to the end of her life, which was, oh I don't know, more than an hour after I started, long after I removed all her internal organs. The strange pony even taught me how to make cupcakes from the organs I harvested from Gilda.

"I was so happy when you said you liked the cupcake you ate, one of those that was made from Gilda. But, it really wasn't the right move to tell me that the element of laughter shouldn't be killing other creatures and making pastries of them. If you'd said something like the Pinkie Pie you know and love doesn't do things like that, then I would've listened to you, I would've been willing to listen to you.

"I started believing that strange pony was a goddess when she talked about knowing about my twin sister, Diane. She said I should stop listening to her, that I should have better control of my body. And, when I stopped listening to Diane and took full control of our body, that was the end of my Pinkie senses. If only I'd listened to Diane instead of that strange pony, I'd be better off now.

"When I caught Derpy, I knew you'd do something to try to stop me. The strange pony told me to cut off her cutie marks first, then go ahead and cut her open and start harvesting her organs. But, nothing went right, and she wasn't anywhere near as much fun to cut open as Gilda was. Her cutie marks even faded away before I could do anything to stop them. Then, when she said she needed to pee, the strange pony told me I should keep her from ruining herself by taking control of her ability to pee. It was the same way when she threatened to poop. And, Derpy died way too fast after I removed her heart. I couldn't even make decent muffins from her. She was a complete failure.

"Then the strange pony told me I should try one more time, and she'd show me which pony I should kill next. And, that pony happened to be Rainbow Dash. And, she was worse than Derpy. She peed all over her tail, messed herself, even got sick. It was the strange pony that told me how to cure her, using a battery connected to those metal spikes by wires to shock those germs out of her. She did fight a little longer than Derpy, so I guess she was a little more fun. But, I couldn't keep her cutie mark either. If you'd just given me enough time, I know I could've made cupcakes from Rainbow Dash. But, Mormon, you came too soon, too fast.

"I couldn't do anything right that the strange pony told me to do. I guess I should've known that I wasn't going to be able to get the powers and abilities of an alicorn princess by stealing wings from pegasi, horns from unicorns, and cutie marks from ponies in general. The fact of the matter is Derpy wasn't the failure, and neither was Rainbow Dash. I am. I've failed to become an alicorn princess. And worse, it cost the lives of two good ponies and one griffon, who proved to be good in her own way. This is the crime I can't repent of. This is why I deserve to die."

I open my mouth to say something, but before I, or anyone, can respond, the soldier pony with Pinkie Pie says, “I'm sorry to interrupt, but it's time to go now.”

As Pinkie Pie is dragged away, I find myself unable to even think of anything to say.

As the group leaves the courtroom, and the scene fades to black, I'm sure I can hear Gilda's voice say, "Pinkie Pie, if you'd just listened to me, you'd be a lot better off than you are now." In the few seconds of black screen, the words "better off than you are now" echo.

From the time we leave the courtroom to the “Game Over” screen, I have no more control of what happens. It's all controlled by the computer, by the game.

When the light returns, it comes back full. I see, through my character's eyes, the group making it's way through the hallway past the doors to our rooms, out a back door, and along a lengthy pathway, crowded on both sides outside lines of twine, to a tall guillotine.

My character looks to each side of the pathway to see various ponies from Ponyville, Canterlot, Cloudsdale, Manehattan, and evidently other places where Pinkie Pie's influence has reached. I'm surprised to see the rest of the Pie family grieving as they watch the parade pass by them. It's a real testament to the number of lives the pink party pony has touched.

The more that we pass by, the more it's evident that none are there to make derisive remarks at Pinkie Pie.

I also see a small group of five ponies, who I recognize as Vinyl Scratch, also known as DJ Pon3, Octavia Philharmonica, Lyra Heartstrings, Bon-Bon, and Doctor Whooves, all grieving the doomed party pony.

I can't help noticing Vinyl Scratch isn't wearing her goggles as she would normally wear them. In fact, it seems as though she isn't wearing them at all. And, strangely enough, there's something about a sad, teary-eyed white unicorn mare with red eyes such as hers that I'm finding attractive. I find myself unable to explain it.

And, I'm not sure, but I think I also see a brown earth stallion with slightly-darker-brown curly mane similar to that of Pinkie Pie, a little past the five I mentioned before, also grieving.

It takes minutes to reach the guillotine, but a few seconds for two guards to place the pink earth pony's head in the empty circle that provides a place for an equine head.

One of the guards says, “Pinkamena Diane Pie, for the murders of Gilda the Griffon, Ditsy Doo also known as Derpy Hooves, and Rainbow Dash former holder of the element of loyalty, will now be executed by beheading.”

The blade comes down, easily severing the head from the body.

If anyone expects a blood particle effect, they'll be disappointed here.

The head comes to rest in the bowl provided at the base of the guillotine.

As my character looks directly over the severed head, I watch through his eyes as it speaks these last words: “Now, restart the game, and this time, win.” As the visible eye closes, above the head the words, “Game Over” fade into view, and below the head, the words, “You Lose.” After a few seconds, the scene fades to black.


Even with the breaks, the energy it's taken for me to lose this game has been enormous, far more than I expected. I need to take a break now, a really long break. But, when I return, I plan to do as Pinkie Pie suggested, and win the next game I start. So, until then.

Author's Notes:

And so, there we have it. Big MacIntosh was chosen to hold the element of loyalty after Rainbow Dash, and Sweetie Belle was chosen to hold the element of laughter after Pinkie Pie. And, I'm guessing that those who expected me to save Pinkie Pie at the last minute or something are hating me right now for not doing that. But, this is an important part of the story, showing the consequences of her actions.

All that's left to publish now is the Concluding Notes chapter. Thus far, I have an identification of the controls, a list of the main components of this story in case someone wants to write a variation of it, a secret involving Rainbow Dash in the game, all the alternate endings I could think of, and an outtake involving Pinkie Pie after she tries and fails to take direct revenge on the main character.

If you, the reader, have any ideas for what I could add to the Concluding Notes, other scenes for outtakes, ideas for more secrets that could be exploited in the game, or ideas that I haven't thought of, I welcome your input.

Next Chapter: Concluding Notes Estimated time remaining: 10 Minutes
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Hey, Batter! Volume 1: Failure

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