“No,” I stubbornly growled as I slapped a few cards onto the table in front of me.

“Oh, come on mate!” a rust colored Unicorn pony groaned from the other side of the table, several empty bottles surrounding him.

I was just cleaning up after the latest Poker Night shenanigans. Twilight had opted to head to bed early so that she could get the rest of the wedding taken care of in the morning, and I was entertaining the two beings who were trying to convince me to do something that I didn’t want to do.

One of them was the earlier mentioned Unicorn pony, appropriately named Rust, while the other…well, the other one was a sight to behold. His current form was that of a dark, royal purple colored cat creature, with wings and the build of a lion. If I remember right, he’s something called a Leo Aeries Sagittarius, or something like that.

His name, however, is Mobius. All things considered, he’s a lot like me. He’s extremely long-lived, travels across certain multiverses, and can turn into a human. He’s got his own version of Equestria that he prefers to bum around on, but he’s technically not a Traveler. He’s something called a Seer (long story, click his name to see it).

Rust? Rust is just a former human turned pony who’s rude, crude, and one hell of a dude. He’s extremely violent, can’t get through a single day without his alcohol…and is just a serious badass. I can honestly say he’s got a good heart, at least. Oh, and he's a pirate. No, really. Because of a barfight we both got into, he ended up losing an eye, and acquiring a taste for rum and loot.

But right now, since I told the two of them about the wedding, they’re getting on my nerves.

“Look, I told you, I don’t need one of those,” I repeated for what felt like the millionth time.

Mobius rolled his eyes, and said, “Come on now, Omnius! What’s the harm in doing something like that? We already talked to Twilight about it, and she says she’s perfectly fine with it!”

“See? That’s a first! Your freaking fiancée actually agreed to let ME throw you a bachelor’s party!” Rust shouted, taking another swig of rum. Slamming the bottle on the table, he stood up and added, “And besides, think of the possibilities!”

I snorted at that thought. Continuing to clean up the table, I sarcastically said, “Yeah, we could go out and get hammered in Las Pegasus…think that bar’d let us in after we trashed the place like that?”

Rush grinned sheepishly, and said, “Hey! It’s not my fault those two gangs tried to beat the shit out of us!”

“Dude, you went over and told them how you slept with their mothers,” I deadpanned.

Mobius laughed uproariously at that. Giving the both of us a cheeky grin, he asked, “How did that happen?”

“Oh, the usual,” Rust said. “Just another fun trip to Sin City.”

“Yeah…wait, we got distracted again!” I realized, smacking my forehead in a facepalm. “Look, the point is, I DON’T WANT A BACHELOR’S PARTY. Even if I did, I’d have no idea of who to invite! Seriously, I’ve met too many people to be able t-”

Rust cleared his throat, and slapped a small notebook down on the table. I raised an eyebrow at it, while he said, “Here’s the invite list, the venue, and the time to show up. I’ve already done it.”

I just gaped at it, surprised that he had went ahead and done all that. Hell, I only just told him and Mobius tonight! How did he…?

The Seer winked at me, and said, “Surprise! Now shut up and come with us!”

Before I could voice my protests, a green aura of magic lifted me off of the ground, while Mobius just gave me another one of his smug “Troll” smiles.

“Rust, you get him to the bar. I’ll get the guests there!” Mobius said, while Rust carried me out the door.

I’m not even gonna ask how they decided on the guest list. Maybe they saw Twilight’s wedding invite list, or something. Besides, free party. Maybe I’ll have a good time.

Maybe.

A few minutes (and several awkward stares) later, Rust and I were standing in front of a dingy looking bar. There were cracks in the windows, chunks of wood torn out of the doors…really, it looked like the only thing holding this together were good intentions.

I liked the place already.

Rust abruptly cut off his magic, dropping me onto the ground unceremoniously. “Thank you for using Rust Taxi services. We accept booze, babes, and bacon as payment.”

He held out his hoof, and imitated a small cough.

I rolled my eyes and muttered, “Yeah, yeah, I’ll buy you a drink inside.”

“Woo hoo! Free booze!” Rust shouted in excitement, pushing me into the bar.

The place was actually much cleaner looking on the inside. Everything looked…well, GOOD. The bottles were glistening at the bar, the tables were free of any debris, the jukebox was actually working…

Wait. Something’s not right. For one thing, that jukebox is playing an AC/DC song. Last I checked, Equestria didn’t have that level of Rock ‘N’ Roll yet…and I see Jack Daniels and Captain Morgan in the alcohol selections. All of that is human stuff.

That, and the bar was surprisingly empty…minus the folks all crowded around a large table in the center of the room.

I honestly could recognize each and every single one of them. Shadow Breeze, Purple Blaze, Razor Graze, Lance Greenfield, and Vinetion…wait, am I the only one who just realized that all of them are Pegasi? What is it with people and being a Pegasus? Is something wrong with being an Earth Pony? Oh, wait, I’m getting off track again.

Asides from them, we had an incredibly tall Pegasus with an evil glint in his eye sitting next to a female draconequus with a bulging stomach…better known as Silent Charge, and Anarchy. I haven’t seen those two in forever! Hope they haven’t destroyed the school since I’ve last seen them.

…Oh crap, they have, HAVEN’T THEY?!

No, wait. Save the freak out for the end of the presentation. Okay.

With them, I saw the ever-so-familiar face of Kyle, everyone’s favorite lawyer/psychotic dude, and one of my bosses: Iron Clad, new God of Good.

Pardon the breaking of the fourth wall for the umpteenth time, but I simply refuse to describe them in excessive detail. There are simply too many people that I’d have to do that for, so instead I will simply provide a link to a blog post with their oh-so famous faces on it. OH MISTER AAUUUTTTHOOOORRR~! Oh wait, that’s me!

[Click here to be taken to said blog post.]

Now, where was I? Oh, right.

“What the heck?” I stammered in amazement.

Silent Charge gave me an amused smirk, as if he had expected my reaction, and he said, “Surprise, Omnius. Congratulations on becoming engaged. Now then, have a present.”

A massive text book sailed through the air, literally coming from out of nowhere, and smacked me in the chest. The sudden book hurl threw off my balance, and I fell to the floor. Everyone laughed at the sight of me flailing underneath a cartoonishly large book, some of them nearly falling out of their chairs.

“Halp…” I wheezed.

Anarchy rolled her eyes, but snapped her fingers. A motivational poster of a kitten hanging from a tree appeared above my face, magically floating in the air.

“There,” she smiled. “Doesn’t that make you feel better?”

“No…”

That only made everyone laugh even harder. Finally, Shadow Breeze took pity on me, helping me push the massive book away. Picking myself up off the ground, I muttered in a dry tone, “Yeah, now I can see why Mobius invited you guys…hardy har har.”

The feline in question just gave me another one of his trademarked Troll Grins, and said, “After you told me about them, I just HAD to tell them about it!”

Graze looked at him with an amused expression, and said, “Hey. At least he didn’t freak out over the ball of yarn.”

“I thought it was a bomb!”

“And batting it around while meowing was gonna disarm it?” Purple Blaze asked.

“…Well what do you know about bombs?”

Breeze chuckled at the cat, before saying, “I might not know about bombs, but I know what a ball of yarn looks like.”

Mobius grumbled for a little bit, a little annoyed that the trolling tides had been turned on him. Vine gave him a pat on the head, and cheerfully said, “Now, now. We’re not here to troll each other like that.”

“We aren’t?” Anarchy, Mobius, and I said at the exact same time.

Vine glowered at the three of us, causing all three of us to mimic zipping our mouths shut.

Graze nodded in agreement. “She’s right. We’re here to PAAAAARTAY!”

Half an hour into the party, and…amazingly, nothing had been broken yet. Honestly, with all of the clashing personalities in the room, it was a miracle that a major fight hadn’t been started. Granted, it was a little concerning to hear Kyle and Silent Charge both talk about torture methods so casually.

“Now while I feel that my students are highly intelligent, they also seem to never be able to pay attention,” Charge was saying with a malicious glint in his eyes, “So to ensure that they have an…incentive…I simply tell them about the Iron Maiden I have stashed in detention.”

Kyle laughed wildly at that, and said, “Oh, man. You’ve definitely gotta be the best teacher I’ve ever met! Now how do you deal with the ones that don’t pay attention?”

Charge grinned wickedly. Another text book appeared in his hoof, while he took careful aim at the back of Razor Graze’s head. Graze’s ears pricked, but before he could even register what was about to happen, Charge hucked the book full strength at the poor Pegasus’ head.

WHACK!

As Graze toppled over onto the floor, the teacher nodded, and said, “See? I’ve just taught him to never let his guard down around me.”

“You psychotic bastard!” Graze howled.

WHACK!

Shadow Breeze tentatively took a sip from his mug, and nearly spat it back out as soon as he had tasted it. He grimaced at bitter taste of it, instantly regretting letting his friends talk him into trying it. “How can you all stand that?” he coughed. “It’s disgusting!”

Lance lifted his own mug to his lips, and took a massive gulp from it. Letting out a belch, he said, “It’s an acquired taste. Sadly, only the toughest people can drink it.”

As if that were his cue, Graze slammed two bottles of the stuff onto the table. A wide smile on his face, he said, “If that’s true, then why don’t we see which one of us is tougher?”

Mobius leaned over to me, and whispered, “Why are they acting like that again?”

“They’ve both got voices in their heads. One of them is the lawful good side, the other is the more asinine jerk-ish good side,” I replied. “The one in Graze is Kill, and the one in Lance is Break.”

Iron Clad nodded. Making sure no one was listening, he placed a small bag of bits in front of us. “Thirty bits on Lance.”

“You’re on,” Mobius instantly said, placing his own sack on the table. “What about you, Omni?”

I glanced at the two drinking Pegasi, mentally calculating which of them would out-drink the other. While Lance had somehow become an angelic being, I also couldn’t forget the fact that Graze was…well, he’s Razor Graze. Even his freaking name sounds badass!

Finally, I just ended up saying, “Neither.”

All the while, the two rivals had been downing mug, after mug of…actually, I’m not entirely sure WHAT it was. I remember Vine said something about it being homegrown, but that’s about it. No, wait. There’s the problem: Pegasus (SERIOUSLY! NEARLY EVERYONE’S SOME FORM OF PEGASUS!) with powers over everything to do with plants, including hops, making alcohol.

Well this is going to be more interesting than I thought.

Now, where was I? Oh, right.

Lance and Graze were neck and bottleneck, both of them surrounded by a small pile of bottles. Neither of them seemed to be giving in, as they drank enough alcohol to make even Wolverine jealous. Finally, after fifteen minutes of nonstop drinking, Lance reached out for one last bottle…and then his eyes rolled into his head.

He crashed onto the ground, while Graze swayed in a drunken victory dance. “Yesh! I told yoush I wash tuffer!”

As Graze reveled in his alcohol induced triumph, Rust slammed an entire tankard of ale onto the table, and let out a mighty belch that rattled the very foundations of the bar. The drunken Pegasus looked at him in shock.

Rust glanced at the few bottles remaining on the table “You gonna finish the rest of that?”

The Pegasus (WHICH ONE?!) fell onto the ground.

Mobius and Iron Clad sighed, and pushed their bags towards me.

“Thank’ee kindly, folks,” I laughed. “Now, the real question is how we’re gonna wake up those two jokers.”

In answer, Vinetion went over with two piping hot cups of coffee. After she downed the precious contents, she proceeded to break the empty cups over the heads of the two unconscious ponies.

Instantly, they shot up, so many curse words flying out of their mouths that I would have had to change the rating of this story to “Mature” simply because of how bad it was. I think I actually learned a few new ones from their rant.

Everyone facepalmed them.

After Lance had recovered from his bout of extreme drinking, he wobbled his way over to me, a look of glazed confusion on his face.

“So, you’re gettin’ married to Twilight?” he slurred. Okay, maybe he hasn’t recovered. “But…but I’M married to her already…”

“Yes, yes you are,” I said in a neutral tone. “But that’s YOUR Twilight. This one is MY Twilight. There are many like her, but this one is mine.”

Lance swayed uncertainly as he climbed into the bar seat. Withholding another burp, he mumbled, “There’s more than ONE Twilight?”

Oh great. I get to explain multiverse theory to a guy who’s drunk off his rocker. This is gonna be harder than making a decent Family Guy cut-away reference in a story involving magic talking ponies, so that I don’t have to explain it for the umpteenth time.

“Okay, maybe if I said something like how it’s harder than Brentalfloss is for Bjork…no, wait, then it’s just a Brentalfloss joke. Oh! ‘Harder than Battletoads’…No, no, there are already enough video game jokes in it already. ‘Harder than it is for a fat guy to resist a cheeseburger?’…too obvious.”

I sighed, and pushed my laptop away from myself for a moment.

“Stupid Fourth Wall moments. Completely derail my train of thought.”

“But what about the kittens?” Lance asked.

Mobius, who had joined me in my doomed attempt to explain it, groaned in exasperation, and said, “THERE ARE NO KITTENS. IT’S A METAPHOR!”

“Oooohhhhh,” he nodded dumbly. “Well, it makes more sense now. Congratulations. Bartender! Another piece of floor for me to pass out on!”

With that, he fell onto the floor again.

Mobius and I glanced at him, before shrugging indifferently. Vine looked over from her seat at Lance, and muttered, “Peh…Men…Can’t hold their liquor. Present company excluded of course.”

Another bottle was drained in the blink of an eye at that, and Rust said, “Yep.”

“Eeyup,” I nodded, sipping a can of Mountain Dew.

“Mmhm.” Kyle downed his drink.

“Yeah…” Mobius sighed.

We all looked at Vine expectantly.

“What? Is it my turn? Oh, I’m sorry,” Vine apologized. She gulped down her coffee, before saying, “Uh-huh.”

Best. Bachelor party. EVER.

A little later into the party, and Rust had brought up a very, very, very, very, VERY important question that I'm sure everyone should have asked earlier.

"So where are the strippers?"

I groaned in exasperation, rolling my eyes at the question. "Rust...are you being serious?"

"Omnius, strippers are no laughing matter. Especially for bachelor parties!" Rust said, a mad gleam in his eyes. "Come on, I know that there are strippers SOMEWHERE!"

Lance and Blaze overheard this, and immediately joined him in his search for strippers. While they went off to search, Anarchy and Vinetion joined me at the table I was sitting at.

"...They do realize that women are here, right?" Anarchy pointed out.

"And you're a human right now?" Vine added.

"And Anarchy is preggers," I deadpanned. "And married at that. Vine, aren't you dating Graze right now? Actually, mostly everyone here IS married in some form. I'm surprised Lance and Blaze went with it."

"Yeah..."

All three of us shook our heads at that. It wasn't a surprise when the two Pegasi returned with downcast expressions on their faces.

"What's wrong?" I asked them.

"Rust found the strippers..." Lance stated.

"Why aren't you with him then?" Wait, THERE REALLY ARE PONY STRIPPERS?!

"We're married...well, we remembered that at least," Blaze chuckled.

"So...where's Rust?"

I heard Rust cackle over the sounds of the music and everyone talking. In a loud voice, he shouted, "HAIL TO THE BACHELOR!"

That answers that then.

Finally, the party started to end. All of the drinks had gone, the jukebox had played all of my favorite rock ‘n’ roll songs, and Mobius and I had gotten into one hell of a fist fight that decimated half the bar.

“Man, that was just awesome you guys. Thanks for everything,” I said, giving everyone a high-five and/or hug. “Honestly, I didn’t ever think I’d get one of these. Hell, I never thought I’d be getting married in the first place!”

Blaze grinned, and slapped a hoof on my shoulder. “What are friends for?”

The darker colored Pegasus smiled in agreement, and said, “Yeah. You’ve helped out a lot of ponies and people over the years. It’s about time the universes paid you back.”

I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised that after he said that, things quickly went to Hell in a hand basket.

The door to the bar burst open suddenly, surprising everyone there. To my astonishment, Spike ran in as fast as his legs could carry him, a torn piece of parchment clutched in his claws.

“Omnius!” he shouted, making his way over to me, a look of pure fear on his face. It looked like he had just sprinted half a mile to get here.

“Whoa there, Spike.” I bent down and picked him up. “What’s wrong?”

In answer, he wordlessly handed me the parchment with a trembling claw. Shadow Breeze took him off my hands while I glanced at the contents of the small scroll. It took me less than three seconds to read the entirety of it…

My entire body started to shake in pure rage. It was a miracle that I didn’t explode on the spot. As it was, Vine looked at me in concern, and asked, “Nate…what’s wrong?”

I read the letter out loud to everyone there, barely able to keep my voice down.

“’Round two starts now…’ I looked at Spike, now sitting on Shadow Breeze’s back with a terrified expression on his face. “Someone took her, didn’t they?”

He nodded, tears leaking out of his eyes. “H-he just showed up out of nowhere…I couldn’t stop him! He used some kind of glowing stone on Twilight, and it knocked her out. I tried to save her, but…he was…”

The dam broke then. Tears flowed uncontrollably from his eyes, finally unable to hold it back any longer. I couldn’t believe it. I had to see the library, just to be sure. My mind was racing at a million miles a minute, trying to think of the possibilities. I thought that it had ended when Twilight became an Alicorn. Her power should have increased to the point where she would have been able to fight off almost anyone who would have dared to come after her, or at the very least let me know what had happened.

Something didn’t add up here.

I barely noticed that the others from the bar were following me. Hell, I barely noticed anything at the moment. All I could think about was how Twilight was in danger.

By the time we reached the library, my mind had played through a thousand different scenarios. Nothing made sense though! There was no one on this world who could have done that. Torrentican couldn’t have reached her without my knowing…

I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw that the door had been ripped off its hinges. Inside was nothing short of pure destruction. Everywhere I looked, books had either been burned, torn apart, or ripped to shreds. The windows were shattered to pieces, the walls had scorch marks all over them…

And Torrentican was standing in the middle of the entire wreckage.

“Ah, hello Omni-”

I grasped him by the collar, and pressed him against the wall. “Where is she?!” I roared. His lips cracked in a smug smile at my anger.

“Temper, temp-” He howled in pain as I slammed him against the wall again. My fist crashed into the side of his head, again and again, until he stopped trying to talk.
“WHERE. IS. SHE!” I shouted again.

“Hmph. You should know that brute strength won’t get the answer out of me,” Torrentican spat, spraying the ground with a bit of blood.

I roared in anger again, as a haze of red filled my vision. No longer in control of my actions, I flung Torrentican across the room, where he broke through another of the bookshelves. I started to rush at him, only to have Breeze and Blaze grab my arms. It was more the shock of having them restrain me that stopped me, then their actual strength.

“Sean, stop!” Shadow Breeze said, pulling my now limp body away from Torrentican.

“Yeah, come on man,” Kyle added. He made his way over to me with a concerned look on his face. “Beating the hell out of him isn’t going to get you anywhere, satisfying though it may be.”

“Actually, it WILL get you somewhere,” Torrentican laughed insanely from his position on the floor. “But I highly doubt it will be anywhere useful!”

My temper flared again, and it was only Iron Clad’s magic that kept me from attacking him again.

Anarchy glared at Torrentican, and said, “Don’t worry…I believe I can get an answer out of him.”

Her husband, the book hurling teacher, smiled wickedly. “Yes…” he whispered. “A spirit of chaos and lust interrogating is truly a sight to behold.”

The draconequus smiled seductively at Torrentican, placing a paw on the Traveler of Evil’s head. Mentally, she wormed her way into his mind, prying the answer from his very conscious.

While she did that, Mobius pulled Kyle to the side and started having a whispered conversation between themselves.

“I’m worried about him,” Mobius said, glancing at me in a covert manner. “I’ve never seen him get this mad.”

Kyle shrugged indifferently. “I’m not really that surprised. I mean, you’ve seen how mad he gets when one of his friends is in trouble, right?”

“Yeah, but still,” the Seer insisted. “Even then, he’s never gotten that angry!”

“Well, now it’s not just a friend,” he pointed out. “It’s his best friend, his fiancée. Not only that, but he told you what happened with Jenna, right?”

I cut in then, startling the both of them by saying, “She was murdered by the enemy of my friend. I don’t know what his real name was, but I can remember everything else about him. He was a monster…and hopefully, I won’t see him for an incredibly long time.”

A long sigh escaped my lips. My friends heard it, and wisely chose not to say anything. The next ten minutes were pure agony for me. Torrentican was one of the few true masters of mental warfare, in every sense of the word. It would be only a combination of luck and skill that would let Anarchy even glimpse the answer…

“Someone named ‘The Lord of the Land’ has her,” Anarchy said suddenly, as Torrentican fell over on the ground.

...What?

…WHAT?

“How did this even happen?!” I half-shouted in astonishment.

Anarchy pinched the bridge of her nose, and shook her head a bit, dazed from the abrupt shift back into reality. “According to his memories, Torrentican wanted you to suffer what he had to suffer…and apparently, The Lord of the Land still holds a grudge against you for thwarting his plans against Gordon.”

“Where is he?”

“He’s…in the ancient castle of the Royal Pony Sisters,” she said, snapping herself out of it.

“Okay then,” I quietly said in a deathly quiet voice. “Thanks again for the party. Sorry it had to end this way. Now, if you excuse me…”

I summoned my sword, and trademarked silver revolver.

If Demons run when a good man goes to war…then let’s see what happens when a Traveler goes to war.

A/N: Okay, so...that blog post. I got lazier and didn't do it. I'll get on it eventually.

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