Sometimes, I hate my life.

Apple Bloom is one of my best friends. She’s pretty quick, she’s helpful, and she’s reliable.

Except for today, clearly.

“You what?” Apple Bloom repeated in a disbelieving voice, crackle of smoke drifting through the air. I seethed and rolled my shoulders, crinkling my nose at the scent of sulfur as she gripped her half burned cigarette tightly in her mouth. The growling fire beside us cast angry flickering shadows over the side of the barn, and it was really starting to make me nervous.

“I can’t die,” I reiterated a little shakily, knowing full well just how foolish it sounded. “Look, Ay Bee, you’ve got to trust me on this one. I’m trying my absolute best not to freak out, and I need somepony I can count on. I mean, it’s what friends are for.”

She just stared at me long and hard, the chirruping of crickets sounding off as the afternoon sun slowly sank into the horizon the only noise surrounding Sweet Apple Acres. For a long while I thought that she would just continue to stare at me, little crumpled cigarette dangling on the edge of her lips and gradually burning out.

“Right,” one of my most well-known and trusted friends said without even flinching. “You’ve gone completely insane.”

“I’m not crazy,” I shot back defensively, watching as she lazily tossed another small bag onto the burning pile of refuse. “Look, I know I’m not crazy-”

“But I do not,” Apple Bloom deadpanned, rolling her cigarette flawlessly again to the opposite side of her mouth. The little grey trail of smoke followed the whole way, circling around her head and mingling with the larger one in a warped figure eight. “And to be honest, you sound really crazy right now.”

“Look,” a tension started growing between my eyes again, a desperation unexpectedly pricking at me. “Apple Bloom. I was absolutely serious about everything I said. And I can prove it.”

That got her attention pretty quickly.

“Hey, whoa!” her eyelids shot up, so far that she nearly lost her bow because of it. “Whoa, don’t kill y-”

“Almost done?” Applejack’s rustic voice rang out over the farmyard, prompting the filly before me to drop her cigarette in panic.

“Crap crap crap crap!” she hissed fearfully, stamping the already crumpled tube beneath her hoof and kicking it into the fire.

“Hey, Applejack,” I breathed wearily, shifting away from the heat of the fire. The Stetson hat came into view around the corner of the barn before the rest of her did, and I swear her freckles were glowing in the growing dark.

“What’s takin’ so long?” the elder mare wrinkled her nose in a similar manner that I had, eyes locked onto her younger sister. Apple Bloom brushed a lock of ruddy mane from her face innocently and gave a wide smile.

She held up another bag, motioning toward it for effect.

“Just finishing up!” Apple Bloom answered swiftly, tone much more upbeat than it had been a minute ago.

“Alright,” Applejack shrugged, apparently satisfied. “Just make sure t’wash up before supper, don’t want the smell o’ smoke getting all over the place.”

“Ha ha, yeah!” she chucked the trash onto the pile chipperly, a burst of ash springing into the air and making me flinch back. Apple Bloom kept the same fake smile the whole time until her sister finally, finally inched far enough away that she could resume her sullen, mostly confused look.

“… Dammit,” Apple Bloom swore quietly. “That was my last one, too.”

“Uh, back to the issue, please?” I asked impatiently, wondering if Rarity were already searching for me. Probably not, in all likelihood. I undoubtedly had all night before she at last discovered that I had given her the slip. And if I kept telling myself that, maybe I’d finally believe it.

“Okay,” she nodded after a moment. “Okay. Okay, so. So, if you actually believe any of the horsefeathers you’ve been trying to feed me for th’ last ten minutes,” Apple Bloom backed away and leaned uncomfortably against the barn’s worn paint. “Then how come you didn’t bother asking my sister?”

I rolled my eyes, prepared.

“Because adults are useless,” I groaned. “I have been trying like Tartarus all night to get one of ‘em to listen to me – and then, even when one sees me go full on pancake, he doesn’t even say anything! Like it didn’t even happen!”

“Well, there’s your problem,” Apple Bloom started, and I felt almost hopeful again. For about three seconds. “You went full pancake. Never go full pancake.”

“I died!” I found my voice raising in irritation, frantically hoping that she would see reason at last. “More than once, at that!”

“… Look,” Apple Bloom placed a dirty hoof on my shoulder, her concern plain on her face at last. “Sweetie… come on. You don’t have to try to convince me.”

And like a dimwit, I got all excited again.

“So, you believe me?”

“What are you, nuts?” she snorted. “No – Celestia, no. I know when somepony’s pulling my leg, I’ve been around the block a time or two. No, I just think that you really need some help right now, and as a good friend, I’m gonna help ya get to a doctor to get your brain checked out.”

“Yes, thank you,” I deadpanned. “Because that’s exactly what I’ve been asking you to do for me the whole time.”

“What are friends for?” Apple Bloom patted me on the shoulder with a wide beam, smearing a trail of dirt all over my shoulder.

So, I could scratch Apple Bloom off of my mental checklist. Since the night was young and I didn’t particularly consider it a great idea to do something potentially fatal to myself in front of my friend’s grandmother during dinner (which doubtlessly would have been grimly satisfying, for some weird reason) I took my happy self as far from the farmhouse as I could without putting forth any effort.

Honestly, I was just tired at that point. The excitement had completely worn off and I was really missing having a nice soft bed to fall into, the sound of Rarity’s sewing machine rumbling quietly as she finished up one of her last projects before bed.

Except it was probably not anything close to quiet right now, since Rarity was likely schmoozing it up with some rich fancy schmucks. I ground my teeth indignantly as I marched, the rising moon lighting the path back toward Ponyville for me.

Apple Bloom wouldn’t believe me either...

That just meant it was time to go do something remarkably stupid.