Wet Dreams

by totallynotabrony

First published 28th of April, 2012

Exploring ponyworld with a crazy captain

The Princess asks Twilight to explore the lands outside Equestria. Nopony has any sailing experience, maps are not available, and the ship's captain is from a different dimension. What could go wrong?

Also hints of steampunk, for some reason.

Now translated into Korean

Chapter 1

“Wake up, Valiant.”

“Screw you, Twilight," I replied.

She sighed. “I’ve got a letter from the Princess. I think you’ll want to hear this.”

"All right, fine." I climbed out of bed. Or rather, shuffled myself off of the couch located on the ground floor of the library. Twilight, my purple unicorn roommate, stood there holding a letter in the glow of her magic. She began reading.

Dear Twilight,

Since the incident with the Changelings is now over, Equestria appears to be entering a period of relative calm. There is little need for the Elements of Harmony in such peaceful times, so I’d like to ask you and the other Element Bearers to embark on a trip around the globe to spread friendship from Equestria to all nations. Please meet me in Canterlot for futher details.

You might as well invite Valiant along since we both know he would find a way to attach himself to the project anyway.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

“She knows me too well,” I said.

Twilight gave me an annoyed look. “Just don’t cause any trouble, all right? While you were asleep, I got us tickets on the next train.”

“Boring. I could fly us there.”

“This is not the time for one of your crazy contraptions, Valiant.”

“Hey now, I thought we’d agreed that I'm not crazy, just from another universe.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. She seemed to do that every time I reminded her of the fact that I wasn’t supposed to be a pony. “We should be going if we’re going to catch the train,” she said.

We found Spike, Twilight’s young dragon assistant, and headed for the train station.

“We’re going on a trip around the world?” said Spike excitedly.

“It sure sounds that way,” confirmed Twilight. “I can’t wait! There will be so much to explore! So much to learn!”

“And if we find any unclaimed territory, that would be pretty cool, too,” I said.

“I don’t know if we’ll do that,” she said.

“What, you’ve never had a primal urge to run up on some beach, plant a flag and shout, ‘first’?”

Twilight shook her head and did not respond.

I glanced around as we walked. Ponyville was nice this time of year, I supposed. When I was new in town, I got a lot of looks. None of the residents had ever seen a hood ornament cutie mark before.

These days, they mostly left me alone. Twilight once told me that about half the town thought I was a harmless lunatic and the rest assumed that I was an out-of-work mad scientist. With the steam powered robots I had built, I would have thought the distinction was pretty clear-cut.

At the station, a pony named Applejack waited for us. She was a more mellow shade of orange than I, and had a straight blonde mane that contrasted with my unkempt black. She also talked like a hick, but that was okay. Some of my best friends from Earth were rednecks.

Next to show up was Rainbow Dash, a multicolored pegasus. I’d had a long-running grudge against her, mostly because I thought she was a bitch.

With her was Pinkie Pie, whose name fit her perfectly. She was pink and liked to bake, sometimes even pies. She was also a lesbian, but had sworn me to secrecy.

After Pinkie came Fluttershy. She was usually as easy to push around as a falling leaf, but her pale yellow coat and pink mane concealed the fact that she was capable of violence when it suited her.

Last to arrive, as usual, was Rarity, the local fashion expert. Her blue-purple mane was elegantly styled, and her white coat was perfectly groomed. She’d probably spent two hours that morning making it so.

Twilight gave a little motivational speech and we got on the train. I went back to sleep, waking up in Canterlot later. I discovered that I was hoofcuffed to my seat.

“Well, that’s unusual,” I said, or more profane words to that effect. The rest of the ponies had gotten off and I was alone in the train car.

I looked out the window and saw Rainbow and Pinkie waving to me. I sighed. This must be one of their pranks. The sad part was, it wasn't the worst thing they had ever done.

The train attendant came by. “It looks like you’re in a little bit of a predicament.”

“You might say that,” I agreed.

“That’ll be fifteen bits for the trip to Manehattan,” he said.

“Bite me.”

Well, that was one way to get out of the cuffs. I was thrown off the train before it left the city limits.

I got to my hooves and dusted myself off. While I didn’t want to miss an audience with the Princess, I acknowledged the fact that it would probably turn into a political argument. This whole deity-ruler thing needed to be replaced by a nice warm helping of democracy, but nobody would listen to me. We'd been down this road before and it usually ended with me locked in a dungeon. Getting stuck on the train was probably a good thing.

For a dictator, Celestia was pretty cool, though. They didn't have the internet in Equestria, but I knew a fellow troll when I met one.

After being thrown off the train, I didn't know where exactly I had ended up. Luckily the castle was the tallest building in the city so I had no problem finding my way there. I got distracted by the donut shop across the street, though, and that’s where Twilight and the others found me later.

“What did I miss?” I asked.

“First off, we’ll be aboard a ship,” said Twilight. “The Princess provided us with one.”

“Oh my God, an around-the-world cruise? This is amazing.” I clapped my hooves together with joy.

“We all have a list of jobs to do,” said Twilight. “Rarity with her cloth experience will be in charge of the sails and rigging.”

“Wait,” I interrupted. “This is a sailboat? You’ve got steam trains, why not steam ships?”

“We'll be traveling in unknown territory and we don’t know where we could get more fuel. A sailboat doesn’t need any," she said.

Twilight examined a list and went on. “Applejack will be doing carpentry and deck work. Pinkie will be the cook. Fluttershy will act as the doctor. Rainbow will be the lookout. Spike is in charge of communications.” She finished, “And I’m doing both science and diplomacy.”

“What about me?” I asked.

“Shall we tell him?” said Rarity.

“Yes, we should,” said Twilight. “The fact is, Valiant, you aren’t really qualified for anything else."

"I could be the Awesomeness Officer."

"Got it covered," said Rainbow.

I glared at her. "You know very well that my brand of awesome is less flashy but a lot more useful than yours."

The multicolored pegasus shrugged. Twilight said, "Valiant, your job will pretty much be to steer the ship in a straight line.”

“So I’m basically the Captain here?”

“I wouldn’t say that,” said Twilight.

“But you told me that the rest of you have specialized jobs.”

They looked at each other. Twilight sighed. “Fine, you’re the Captain.”

“Awesome!” I frowned. “Wait, my pet bird is already named Captain. I guess that means I’m…a Commodore. Yeah, I like the sound of that.”

“What about Admiral?” asked Applejack.

“I’m too modest to promote myself to Admiral. At least not until we get another couple of ships to sail in our fleet.”

“Yeah, modest,” said Twilight. “Anyway, the ship is waiting for us in the Fillydelphia Naval Yard. Once we get there, it’s all ours.”

We made a trip back to Ponyville to collect our belongings. I figured that since we were going to be gone for so long, I had probably better take my bird with me. Back when Rainbow was looking for a pet, she'd gathered a whole crowd of animals. I'd adopted the falcon. While Captain was not much good for anything, I looked pretty badass with him perched on my shoulder.

I also took along a selection of parts and gadgets from my collection. The various devices and vehicles that I'd assembled had awed and alarmed the townsfolk, and they seemed to be glad that I was leaving for a while.

Once we got to the Fillydelphia Naval Yard, a sailor showed us to where the ship was docked. I hadn’t counted on it being so…crappy.

I had no idea why Equestria even needed a navy, but the sailor pony told me they had a long, proud history. I decided that this was either their very first ship, or one that had been wrecked a couple of times.

When I asked what the name of the shambling pile of timbers was, the sailor shrugged. “Nopony knows. It’s been moored there as long as any of us can remember."

I had my doubts that the ship was salvageable. My proposal of "put it out of its misery" was rejected, however.

Twilight was somewhat more optimistic. “It’s a chance to really get to know the vessel. While we repair it, we’ll come to intimately know how it works and become more in harmony with its quirks.”

“You’ve been reading too many ‘period’ romance novels,” I said.

“Well, none of us know anything about sailing,” Rarity pointed out. “This gives us more time to learn.”

“Nothing about sailing? Not one single thing?” I stared at them all. “I know Celestia trusts you and all of you really want to go on this voyage, but if we set sail on this rickety thing without any experience we’re all going to die.”

“Afraid of water, huh?” said Applejack. “It’s all right, Valiant, you can admit it.”

“That’s not what I said!”

“Nopony as awesome as me would let anything bad happen,” said Rainbow.

“Statistically, there is a small increase in the percentage of injuries while on a ship,” said Fluttershy quietly.

“Is that bad?” asked Spike.

“Everything is all right! We’ll have a ship-fixing party!” shouted Pinkie. “The whole Navy Yard is invited!”

Well, at least the influx of shipyard workers got the hard work done for us. When they left that night, filled with cake and punch, only some minor painting and finish work was left to do. It would probably take the six mares, Spike, and I another day to complete everything.

“This is so exciting! I can’t wait!” said Twilight. I really wished she’d shut up so I could sleep.

“Let’s see...okay! I’ve finished making the checklist for tomorrow.”

“What are we going to name this ship?” asked Rarity. “A vessel should have a proper name.”

Twilight thought about it for a minute. “I suppose we should think about that. I’ll pass around a piece of paper to collect suggestions.”

Spike was already tucked in for the night, but the rest of us wrote down our thoughts. When the paper was finished, it read:

Ocean Magic

Strong and True

Awesometastic

Compassion

Diamond Seas

Giggles

America, F**K Yeah

“Uh, maybe we should think about this again tomorow," said Twilight.

Fresh matresses had been laid on the bunks, but everything still smelled like mildew and rot. I got comfortable and closed my eyes. I was suddenly unsure if I really wanted to go on this trip.

In the morning, I woke up to water lapping at the bottom of my bed. I glanced out the porthole, somehow not surprised that the hull had sprung a leak overnight.

"Twilight! This boat sucks!"

Startled by my shout, she jerked awake and fell in the water. I sighed and waded over to help her up.

"I don't understand!" she said. "We did all that work!"

"Just admit defeat and get us a new ship."

"No." Twilight set her jaw in determination. "The Princess gave us this one. I'm going to make her proud."

I facehoofed. It was going to be a long, wet day.

Author note:
Let's have a little naming contest for the ship. Leave a comment stating what you would like it to be. You don't have to stick to the Twilight's list, it can be anything. I'll pick through the suggestions and have the next chapter out in a couple of days. Thanks for reading!

Chapter 2

With the help of a several unicorns, the ship was lifted clear of the sea and the hole in the bottom was patched. We had to wait a few minutes for all the water to drain out. I kept trying to get Twilight to just abandon the project and find us another means of travel.

“At least name the boat Celestia's sick sense of humor because that’s what got us into this situation,” I said.

Twilight did not reply as she directed the workers in preparing the boat for painting. I didn’t know what they expected to cover with the paint. Decades of rot, probably.

The other ponies were not very enthusiastic at the prospect of spending time on a ship that would have served better as a garbage barge, but they at least were willing to contribute to the repairs. Rainbow, Rarity, and Applejack got the sails strung up. Fluttershy and Pinkie helped with the paint crew.

I sat on the shore, trying to think of a name and/or trying to figure out how to steal one of the sleek Equestrian Navy ships docked nearby. I wasn’t having much luck with either.

Perhaps we could name it Iron Maiden after one of my ex girlfriends.

My attention was distracted when some supply ponies came by with a load of gear to bring onboard. In the middle of the pile was a cannon.

It actually looked to be in pretty decent shape. Intrigued, I walked over and took a closer look.

“I thought this was a science and exploration mission,” said Twilight, who had also seen the cannon.

One of the supply ponies consulted his list. “Cannon, one, to be used for demonstration.”

Twilight nodded. “Oh, I read about that. It’s used for a signal, or for a formal salute.”

“Can it actually shoot?” I asked.

“I don’t see why not,” said the pony. “We weren’t ordered to give you any cannonballs, though. This is just for making noise.”

Twilight thanked him and said that she would be sending a list over later for more supplies. All of them went back to work.

I took over cannon duty. I got it installed on a swiveling mount at the rear deck. It was near the wheel that controlled the rudder. As designated steer-er, I expected that I would be standing there a lot.

I took a trip around the boat. The area below deck was still soggy, but appeared to be drying quickly. I encountered Pinkie, who was fixing lunch.

“Ahoy there!” she said. “I’m working on my ‘sea’ voice, matey! Now I'm a monkey! Eekey leaky loo!”

“Leaky Loo,” I muttered. “That would be a perfect name for this stinking outhouse. Sinking outhouse, that is.”

I said goodbye to her and wandered outside. The sails had been put up, and more gear was coming aboard. Huh, maybe this trip would get going on time after all.

Twilight found me. “If you’re not doing anything, do you think you could be useful and take this acquisition list over to the warehouse and get the stuff we need?”

I took the piece of paper. “I can do that. You know Twilight, you look tense.”

“I’ve been up since early this morning trying to organize a complete overhaul on this vessel,” she snapped. “It’s not easy.”

“Jeeze," I said. "You really need to loosen up a little. Maybe we should name it The Relation so you could finally be in a relationship."

She flushed slightly and turned away. I walked away to the supply department to aquire the things on the list.

“It’ll take a while to get this stuff,” said the pony I gave it to. “We’ll bring everything over later.”

I went back to the ship and spent the rest of the morning helping Pinkie perfect her hardtack biscuits. Much as I liked them, with that much sugar they would never keep, so I regretfully told her to tone it down a little.

Twilight came through at noon and told us she was treating everyone to lunch for all the hard work. She glared at me while she said the last two words.

“It’s okay,” I said. “I’m not hungry.”

While they were all gone, the stuff we’d ordered came. I helped carry the eight cutlasses, half a dozen cannons, pile of cannonballs, and spare gunpowder below deck.

Twilight hadn’t ordered any of that stuff, but if she minded, she shouldn’t have left the acquisition list in my care. It was almost like it was her fault.

While I waited for them all to get back, I took stock of my own equipment. My distilling system was accounted for. The set of tools was packed carefully away. All the robot parts were in their place.

“Well Captain,” I said, “It looks like we’re almost ready to go.”

The falcon preened his feathers and did not reply.

I went up to the back deck to load the cannon. Pouring some gunpowder down the muzzle and dropping in a cannonball was easy enough. Once we got out on the ocean, I could set up the others.

After the ponies and Spike returned from lunch, the supply workers brought over more stuff, including food. Most of it was packaged so it would keep for a while. For some reason, there were eighty cans of sauerkraut.

“Oops,” said one of the supply ponies. “I guess that was supposed to be just eight.”

“It’s all right,” I told him. “I’ll eat it.”

“Wow,” said Rainbow. “You actually like sauerkraut? That weird.”

I shrugged. “I like eating some and then breathing on people to watch them squirm.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “You would.”

“You’re a bitch, Twilight.”

“Oh, I like that,” said Pinkie. “We should name the ship that.”

“Let’s not,” said Applejack.

“But we do need a name,” pointed out Rarity.

“We could ask some of the sailors,” suggested Fluttershy. “I’m sure they have plenty of ideas.”

“Celestia’s Posterior!” shouted one of the sea ponies when we asked. There was a chorus of laughter from the crowd.

“Hey, I like this guy,” I said. “I don’t think it’s a very impressive thing to name a ship after, but it’s funny.”

“You don’t think it’s impressive?” asked the pony.

“Silly,” said Pinkie. “Valiant doesn’t think anypony’s posterior is impressive.”

The ship had been made ready for a formal christening ceremony. Everything, somehow, had been put in its place and we were nearly ready to sail. One rope still held it to the dock. Some mixed fruit juice in an ornate bottle had been prepared to smash on the bow. That was the way things were done in Equestria since they didn’t know the wonders of alcohol.

A stiff breeze had come up, which would work to our advantage to push the ship away from the dock when we got ready to go.

I was eating from a can of sauerkraut as I watched the crowd argue over the name of the ship.

“This is getting ridiculous,” said Twilight. Some of the sailors appeared to nearly be coming to blows.

“Do you have a better idea?” I asked.

“Actually, I do. I know what we should call the ship.”

I pointed to the crowd. “Good luck getting their attention.”

She glanced back, spying the cannon.

“I loaded that,” I said helpfully. I didn’t say with what.

“Thanks Valiant.” Twilight made her way to the aft deck. Her horn lit up and the fuse began to sizzle.

When the cannon went off with a thundering explosion, the ball whizzed out of the barrel and smashed through the hull of the Navy ship next to us.

Fluttershy squealed in surprise, recoiling from the noise and knocking the bottle of juice overboard. The crowd went silent, staring at the destruction the cannon had caused.

“We’re going to kill you all!” shouted one of the senior sailors.

“Hey, that’s pretty good,” I said. I poured sauerkraut juice on the bow and said, “I hereby christen thee Equestrian Navy Ship We’re going to kill you all. May God grant us absolutely hilarious misunderstandings with primitive societies.”

Finished with the ceremony, I shouted, “Burn though that rope, Spike!” The dragon nodded, and with a puff of green fire the rope holding the ship to the dock fell away.

I got a hold of the mainsail tiedown and undid it, letting the canvas flap free. The wind pushed the ship away from the dock, just ahead of a crowd of angry sailors. Luckily, most ponies in the Equestrian Navy weren’t pegasi, and they were unable to pursue us.

I ambled to the aft deck where Twilight still stood, looking stunned. Taking hold of the wheel, I smartly snapped the rudder around and got us pointed out to sea.

“What…” Twilight started.

I bumped her shoulder playfully. “You’re in the Navy now.”

Many thanks to Doctor Whooves for the cover art.

Chapter 3

The sea breeze was pleasant as we tacked through the wind. Somehow, we’d gotten the sails aligned just right and the boat was sailing beautifully.

I was still unsure why the ship was designated as a naval vessel. While the cannons were currently below deck, the mounts were still there. Maybe the only ship the Princess could spare was from the Equestrian Navy.

At any rate, ENS We’re going to kill you all had turned out to be seaworthy after all. I was sorry that I had doubted it.

“I hate this ship!” said Rainbow.

“It’s boring if there’s only eight of us to have a party,” sulked Pinkie.

“The salt air is simply ruining my mane,” moaned Rarity.

“There’s no apples in the food stocks,” grumbled Applejack.

“Or gems!” cried Spike.

“We might be on the run as criminals for shooting that other ship!” exclaimed Twilight.

“Bleceh,” said Fluttershy, who was seasick.

I sighed. “Am I the only one having a good time?”

“We want to go back!” the all chorused.

“…And face a couple dozen angry sailors?” I asked.

Their faces fell. “Right!” I said. “Onward!”

Once I managed to convince Twilight that it was better to carry on with the mission rather than wimp out and go home, she provided a set of directions for me to steer by. With a compass mounted in front of the wheel, that seemed easy enough.

A couple hours later, I said, “This is boring. I want to go home.”

Twilight facehoofed. “You made it so we couldn’t!”

“Oh, right.”

“They probably want to kill us!”

“Haha, yeah, we even named the ship after that.”

Twilight shook her head. “Wait, what?”

“Didn’t you see me go ahead and perform the christening ceremony? Amid heavy resistance, I might add. I deserve a medal.”

“What did you name it?”

I told her. She facehoofed again.

“We can’t do that!” Twilight cried. “I was going to call it—”

I cut her off. “Too late now.”

“We’ll just rename it.”

My turn to facehoof. “Don’t you know anything about the ways of the sea? It’s bad luck to rename a ship, especially without a formal ceremony shoreside.”

“Where did you hear that?”

“Where didn’t you hear it? I thought you read a lot.”

“Well, there was a book about nautical superstitions that I haven’t gotten to yet,” Twilight said.

“That could be important. Our luck depends on it”

“I don’t believe in luck,” she said.

“But…you do believe in magic?”

She sighed. “Okay, fine.”

“Read that book. Read it now,” I commanded.

I got Applejack to spell me at the wheel for a while, and went to get some paint. With a rope harness, I hung over the railing and painted We’re going to kill you all on both sides of the bow.

That done, I ventured below deck. The galley where Pinkie worked preparing meals was there, as was the sleeping area and a few miscellaneous compartments. One more deck down was the bilge and storage area.

I’d seen Twilight sitting on her bunk with her nose in a book, so I figured she wouldn’t mind if I started hauling the cargo of cannons up to the deck.

It was kind of heavy work, but with the magic of simple machines like pulleys, levers, and inclined planes (not to mention screws!) I was able to get everything topside.

“Ooh! Are those for partying?” asked Pinkie, who for some reason was not in the galley.

“No, they’re for fighting.”

She frowned. “But I prefer parties.”

“Someday, a country will throw a war and nobody will come. Until then,” I patted one of the cannons, “we’re armed and ready.”

“I guess I like being armed and ready, too,” said Pinkie.

I nodded. “And on a completely different subject, go make me a sandwich.”

“Okie dokie loki!” She bounced away.

Two hours later, I had gotten everything in terms of weapons ready to go. I wandered down to the galley.

“The bread is alllllllmost ready,” said Pinkie.

“I asked for a sandwich.”

“Yeah, and bread is part of that, isn’t it?” Pinkie looked thoughtful. “Unless you meant some other kind of sandwich. A hoof sandwich?” She drew back her front leg to slug me in the mouth.

“Ah, no. Besides, assaulting the Commodore will get you twenty lashes.”

She held up a pepper shaker. “But apeppering is okay, right?”

“No. You’re a bad pony and you should feel bad.”

“Aww darn. You know, Valiant, you should really lighten up.”

“Commodore Valiant.”

“Okay!”

I suddenly remembered that I’d left Applejack on steering duty for several hours. When I got up to the aft deck, her hat was pulled low, and she was asleep at the wheel.

“Preposterous!” I roared. “We could be going around in circles for all you know!”

“Huh? Oh.” Applejack yawned. “Nah, Ah never move an inch when Ah fall asleep. This here wheel didn’t turn one bit.”

I checked the compass. It was still pointing in the right direction.

“Oh, well then, carry on.”

I went to see about Rainbow. After receiving no response to my shouts, I climbed all the way up the mast to find her asleep, too.

“You’re the lookout! You’re supposed to look out!”

“No sweat. I can do that with my eyes closed,” she said.

“I seriously doubt that.”

“Well, it’s not like there’s anything to hit out here.”

“What about that coastline over there?” I asked, pointing.

She turned. “Huh? Oh, that wasn't there a minute ago.”

I felt the urge to knock her out of the crow’s nest. Pegasi always landed on their feet, right? I refrained, however, because Twilight called to me.

I climbed down and went over to where she was standing. Her eyes were wide with fear.

“I just finished the book,” she whispered in a terrified voice. “There’s…so much bad luck out there.”

“Did you read that part about how it’s bad luck to have females aboard?”

She nodded.

“Yeah, three-quarters of the crew is made up of mares. We’re pretty much doomed.”

Twilight started to hyperventilate.

I sighed. “Just calm down, okay? There’s a shoreline over there. Why don’t we just pull in for a while and hang out?”

She appeared to calm slightly. “That’s the Griffon Kingdom. It’s one of our scheduled stops.”

“Great, two birds with one stone.”

“The book also said killing a bird is bad luck.”

“What evil looks had I from old and young! Instead of the cross, the Albatross about my neck was hung."

“Huh?”

“Just some verse about weird neckties. No biggie.”

Twilight shook her head. “Anyway, set course for land.”

I nodded and went back up to the aft deck. Applejack had gone back to sleep. I carefully extricated her from the spokes of the wheel and set her off to the side. She continued to snooze, standing there stiff as a board.

I shook my head. “Weird. Anyway…” I turned the wheel, and the ship turned to face the distant coastline.

“Prepare yourself, land,” I muttered. “Here we come.”

“Here’s your sandwich!” said Pinkie.

Chapter 4

We made ready to approach the Griffon Kingdom. Despite the ship’s status as a naval vessel, we did not fly the Equestrian Navy jack, substituting it for the civilian flag. That solved some problems, but created others.

For one, if we were aboard a military ship, were we supposed to act military-like? Could we be taken as hostile by unfriendly nations? Would they accuse us of subterfuge because we used the civvy flag?

Either way, that's why I wanted protection. Twilight threw a fit when she saw the cannons I’d installed.

“They were on the acquisitions paperwork,” I said.

“Who could have possibly put them on there?” she wondered.

I said nothing.

“We need to get these covered up so the griffons don’t think we’re invading!” She found Rarity and the two of them used spare sail material to fashion covers for the weapons. I was okay with that. We didn’t need the cannons getting wet or anything.

We were hailed by a pair of griffons in a rowboat. It seemed that they were sitting there outside the harbor to make sure no undesirables came in. They looked with suspicion at our freshly painted, but still kind of ugly, ship.

“We’re here for a diplomatic mission,” Twilight told them.

“We’re here to spend loads of money,” I said.

Smiling, they invited us in.

We were directed to an empty dock. Twilight and Spike got off to go talk to someone. Somegriffon, I guess. Applejack went to find some find some acceptable produce to buy.

There was no way to refrigerate stuff aboard the primitive ship, so unpreserved food didn’t last long. In other words, it was a good idea to get fresh produce at every opportunity.

Rarity mentioned an exotic sewing shop she was simply dying to check out. Fluttershy was interested in what kinds of animals the griffons had in their city park. Pinkie went looking for a party.

I left Rainbow in charge of the ship. I figured she would probably go to sleep and let some shady characters on board, but at least it wouldn’t technically be my fault.

I walked down the street. Captain Falcon accompanied me, sitting on my shoulder. I looked around for a while, taking in the sights. How do I describe the town in one sentence? How about: Griffons, griffons everywhere. Yeah, that pretty much covers it.

I was accosted by a rough-looking specimen of the species. He looked rather old and weatherbeaten.

“Are ye part of the Equestrian crew that just pulled in?” he asked.

“Part of it? I’m the leader. Commodore Valiant, at your service.”

“Pleasure to meet you, sir. May I ask ye where the ship be headed?”

“Everywhere, pretty much. We’re sailing around the world.”

The griffon seemed impressed. “That’s a voyage, that is. Ye would be wise to keep a lookout for pirates.”

“Are there a lot of them?”

“It’s not the numbers, it’s the ferocity.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” I said. I turned to go.

“One moment,” said the griffon. “What is the name of that vessel you arrived in?”

“We’re going to kill you all.”

He nodded. “Ah, I like it. Have a good day. Fair winds to you.”

I walked away, feeling somewhat confused. The old griffon hadn’t batted an eye at the name of the ship. Also, pirates? How come I’d never heard of them before?

Well, if that was the case, maybe the ship would have to live up to its Navy heritage. I was as anti-pirate as the next pony, except when it came to DRM. Illegal downloads? More like shmillegal shmoundloads! Eh, maybe not. There was a reason the RIAA hadn’t caved under my monstrous wit.

When I got back, Rainbow was asleep as expected. She at least had the good grace to park herself right in front of the gangway to force any would-be intruders to step over her.

“Ouch! What the heck, Valiant?”

“Sorry, didn’t see you there. Did I step on you?”

She was about to retort when Applejack came walking up. “Ah got us a whole load of produce!” The basket she was carrying contained nothing but apples.

Rarity arrived just then, showing off a few large thimbles of thread. “The shop on the corner had this fantastic high-strength stitching!”

Fluttershy walked up, looking happy. “The city park was lovely! There were songbirds and mice, and all sorts of small, cute creatures.”

Captain looked at me. I nodded, and he flew away towards the park.

“Wow, that was some party!” said Pinkie, bouncing along the dock. “These griffons sure know how to have fun! I knew they all couldn’t be as meanie-pants as Gilda.”

I counted heads. “Where’s Twilight and Spike?”

“Maybe the diplomacy ran long,” suggested Rarity.

“Or…they’re prisoners!” said Pinkie.

“Considering that none of the other griffons have attacked us,” I said, “That seems unlikely. Still, let’s go with it.” I dashed below deck and came back up carrying a cutlass.

“Chraaage!” I gurgled around the handle in my mouth. None of them did.

I spit the weapon out. “You guys aren’t with me?”

“Maybe they just got held up,” suggested Applejack.

“We don’t even know where they are,” added Rainbow.

“That doesn’t stop us from ripping shit up until we find them!” I shouted.

“Can we take a vote on this?” asked Rarity.

“That’s not how military leadership works! I say things, and you do them. Right now, I’m going to lead by example, so follow me!” I grabbed up the cutlass again and charged down the gangway. While I didn’t see it, I imagine the rest of them gave a collective shrug and decided to go along with the idea.

We ran around the city for a while. The townsfolk stared at us. I gave them all menacing looks. In a few minutes, I spotted a large stone building that appeared more ornate than anything else, so I headed in that direction.

It turned out to be a castle. Curious guards watched us pass by. I glared at them as if to say Don’t try anything.

Bursting into a conference room, I found Twilight, Spike, and an important-looking griffon engaged in conversation.

“Unhand them!” I shouted, after letting go of the cutlass.

“Um, okay,” said the griffon.

“Valiant, what are you doing?” asked Twilight. “We were just in the middle of a discussion about socio-political effects on world trade and business and the underlying causes for economic unbalance for the same.”

“Save me!” said Spike.

That was good enough for me. I tossed him onto my back and pushed Twilight out the door.

“Stop! That was an important conversation!” she shouted.

“If I couldn’t make it through even the name without getting bored, then it’s not important enough for me.”

After a while, Twilight gave in and started walking by herself. “At least I learned something that you’d be interested in,” she grumbled. “That griffon told me to be wary of pirates.”

“Did he? Bet you’re glad we brought those cannons now.”

She did not reply.

We all got back aboard the ship and untied from the dock. Twilight seemed interested in the things that the others had bought in town.

I gestured to the fresh produce. “Eat up and get your vitamin C. Don’t want to get scurvy.”

“We have vitamin tablets, Valiant. That won’t be a problem.”

Captain returned with a smile on his beak just as the sails were raised to begin the next leg of the trip.

“Point us south, Valiant,” said Twilight. “Next stop, Kangaroo Kingdom.”

“Seriously?” I said. “That’s a name that just invites parodies and fun-poking.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Just sail.”