The Deadly And Dangerous Army Of Kindness

Whether Fluttershy was awake or not was still up for debate.

The early sunrise trickled in peacefully through the mist dabbed windows, basking Fluttershy’s entire cottage in a comforting rosy glow. The damp of morning dew lingering in the air smelled wondrously of peaceful times, the happy chirruping of birds in the air rang at just the right level to be very calming, and the whole day just seemed too perfect to be real.

That, and as she sipped at her morning coffee, Fluttershy quietly noted that the entire horizon was mysteriously more bristling with heavy siege weaponry than usual. She watched the approaching everything for a while in mild interest as her pet rabbit glowered nervously out the window, eventually pacing back and forth.

“Yes, Angel,” Fluttershy took another peaceful draught of her steaming brew, blinking sleepily out at the steadily growing source of tramping hooves. “That would appear to be an army.”

Angel furiously began stacking as many vegetables in front of the window as he possibly could in order to board it up, eyes flickering anxiously back to the approaching militia.

“Yes, Angel,” she smiled calmly before sipping carefully at the hot potion of life. “That would appear to be a very nice ballista.”

The terrified rabbit became even more frantic in his attempts to whittle a carrot into a little orange katana.

It took hardly any time at all for the advancing army to arrive at Fluttershy’s cottage, surrounding it completely. As they drew closer and the stamping of so many bodies made it apparent that the oncomers surprisingly had no hooves at all, Fluttershy spotted a set of pleasantly colored banners waving in the wind. Griffons stood shoulder to shoulder, standing sternly next to each other in the morning light. Big, burly, and looking fresh from the Griffonian army, not a single one of them refrained from standing at attention. Masses of yellow-dressed griffons stood firmly in line, each one’s flowing robes garnished with one symbol or another.

A silence fell over the entire place.

Somewhere, the sound of a carrot being sharpened drifted through the air.

The leader of the clan, a tall tan griffon in a smartly adorned yellow cassock, wordlessly approached Fluttershy’s cottage door and knocked four times.

“Hello,” Fluttershy peacefully pried open the kitchen window and waved out, coffee cup in her other hoof. “Good morning.”

“The Blessed One Speaks!” the cassocked griffon crowed joyously, whose shouts were met by a multitude of others.

“Actually, I’m just Fluttershy,” Fluttershy admitted with a small smile. “Is there something I can help you with?”

“There is no need for denial!” the lead griffon declared loudly enough for most to hear.

“What did he say?” came a voice from the back of the robed army.

“I dunno,” said another. “I fink he said, ‘there’s greed for a mile’.”

“Don’t be stupid!” his mate replied. “He said, ‘the boars are named Lyle!’”

“No need for denial at all!” the lead griffon said a little louder, clearing his throat.

“Um, I haven’t denied anything, technically…” Fluttershy corrected him.

“Ha ha ha, of course not, oh Gracious One!” the cassocked griffon chortled awkwardly before turning slightly and muttering. “Kevin, lower the giant crossbow.”

“Might I ask what all the ruckus is for?” she calmly drained her coffee mug, leaning against the window as Angel attempted to shove a miniature orange sword into her hoof.

“We of the Order of Kind Feathers have heard of your exploits, oh Sagacious One!” their leader cried instantly, and was met by a chorus of ‘hail the Sagacious One!’ almost immediately afterward.

“I’m afraid that I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Fluttershy confessed.

“That is clearly because all has not been yet revealed to the cute and adorable Avatar of Kindness!” the griffon crowed again, which was met by a rousing bunch of cheers. Even a few ‘awws’ came through when she blushed, hiding behind her curtain of pink mane.

“Er… I think you might have the wrong mare…” she shifted awkwardly as their stares became more prominent. “I’m not really the avatar of anything.”

“Such is the humility of the Kind One!” sang the griffon’s leader, which was followed by joyous shouts of the same.

“Wha’ did he say?” came a familiar voice at the back.

“I fink he said ‘Butch is the frilly hotdog bun’.”

“OH, LONG HAVE WE SEARCHED FOR THEE, KIND ONE!” Cassock griffon’s voice raised again. “The time is nigh for you to take your place as the Avatar of Kindness and lead us into a new age of love and harmony!”

“I’m really certain that I’m not asleep anymore,” Fluttershy became more and more fretful as Angel tried to swing her hoof for her in an attempt to take down as many of them as possible. “And if it’s all the same to you, I think I’ll just go back to bed now-”

“Kevin, the giant crossbow of kindness, please.”

Nothing happened.

Albeit a fainting rabbit, but nobody noticed.

“… Kevin?”

“Eh, I believe it’s a ‘ballista’, Lord Niceington.”

“Oh, shut up, Kevin!” Niceington readjusted his cassock angrily. “You were calling it a crossbow, too!”

“Actually, I’ve had a change of heart!” Fluttershy said instantly as the massive weapon was pointed directly at her house. “I was just finishing off my morning coffee, and I would love to go with whatever you were saying that doesn’t involve destroying anything.”

“Such is the wisdom of the Kind One!” Niceington threw up his claws in rapturous joy. “She speaks the truth that carnage is not the answer!”

“Well, that isn’t quite what I said…” Fluttershy began. “But I suppose it’s agreeable enough.”

“My Avatar, my goddess!” the leader threw himself to his knees before her just as Angel began waving a tiny bottle of smelling salts in front of his own nose, wearily grabbing for the forgotten orange miniature katana. “We would be most pleased should you adjoin to your loving flock and lead us with your kind and wise ways!”

Angel began feverishly yanking her hoof away, which also went thoroughly unnoticed.

“Well…” Fluttershy tried to make it sound as if she were seriously considering it, even placing her little hoof on her chin for good measure as she slowly held her tongue between her teeth. “I don’t suppose it could hurt.”

Angel soon gave up, stomping away in despair.

Fluttershy was thoroughly surprised to see the cushioned throne erected within seconds, enormous green feathers waving royally before it.

Even more surprisingly, the throne itself looked to be nothing more than a comfy looking yellow sofa chair with a little paper sign hung on it that read ‘throne’ in blocky black letters. It was held aloft on poles by a team of six eager griffons, each one perked up and ready to go.

Niceington zealously bowed Fluttershy all the way to the ‘throne’, squads of robed griffons darting back and bowing similarly to carve a path for them. Fluttershy awkwardly made herself comfortable, which was unexpectedly easy, and sat up attentively.

“Well, all right then,” she smiled uneasily at the throng of adoring griffons. “Er… sorry, this doesn’t happen every day. Are we going somewhere?” Fluttershy asked as they began to march upon Niceington’s command.

“To Canterlot, your high adorableness!” the griffon stated proudly, popping the collar on his cassock a little more in pride. “To spread the word of your glorious kindness and sovereign rule!”

“Oh, now I see…” Fluttershy nodded slowly. “Wait, ‘spread the word’? Do you really need so many for that?”

“Not really,” Niceington smirked pompously, giving his wings a little ruffle. “That’s what the Ballistae of Kindness are for.”

“Oh. Oh, dear.”

A rabbit-y wail of anguish went utterly unheard as Angel vainly attempted to commit seppuku with his carrot.

In Which The Army Attacks

Princess Celestia was having a fine morning indeed.

The sun was raised as always, and she pulled it off without a hitch. A thousand years of practice helped.

Breakfast was served without trouble, which was a rarity; there was almost always some quarrel or another between the two head chefs as to how ‘real’ breakfast should be served, but it was a frivolous argument that she preferred to avoid. Freshly made toast and jam with just a bit of sweetened honey, hot strips of hay bacon, and Celestia’s favorite – the coffee.

Since nearly seven hundred years ago, Princess Celestia found that ordinary coffee no longer served to awaken her. She had to drink seventeen full pots of the strongest coffee available in Canterlot, and all she accomplished was spending the entirety of her day in the little princess’ room.

It was a dark day, indeed.

But after a terrible decade dubbed ‘The Dark Ages’, a fine spell caster from southern Zebrica brought back the secrets of decent coffee. Starswirl the Bearded vanished not long after, but Princess Celestia never forgot his contribution, as evidenced by the fact that she took a small pause in his honor before each cup.

Either that or she was blowing off the steam so as not to burn her lip again.

Princess Celestia had burned her lip on hot Zebrican coffee once.

It was a dark day.

A dark day, indeed.

She took a deep breath of her brew, letting the scent seep in. The perfect blend of-

“… What smells like siege weaponry?”

Princess Celestia was smack dab in the middle of enjoying her cup of morning coffee when she was rudely interrupted.

By a boulder.

Through her window.

The crash sent shards of glass blasting about the room. A single piece fell into her cup with a plink!

Princess Celestia stared at her ruined coffee for a long moment. She stared at it good and hard. Then she took a deep breath through her nostrils, braced herself, and ever so deliberately glanced at the note sticky taped to the boulder. The hastily written message went as follows.

Dear PRINCESS –ruler – Celestia

GIVE US THE – object – CROWN OR YOUR ENTIRE – residence – KINGDOM IS FORFEIT

YOU HAVE – time limit – ONE HOUR TO COMPLY

Thanks a bunch,

Fluttershy’s Army

“… Huh.”

“Princess!” a royal guard burst through her chamber doors, sweaty and out of breath. “We are under att-”

The pegasus was swiftly interrupted by a levitating glass shard that went splintering into the wall next to his head, narrowly missing him by a hair’s breadth. The color instantly drained out of his face, his legs wobbling. Princess Celestia didn’t even blink, still holding her ruined cup of coffee with the large shard sticking out of it.

“P-p-princess?”

“You didn’t knock,” Celestia said chipperly, dumping out her ruined reason to live. “Would you care to try again?”

The guard ever so slowly backed away, fearfully closing the door without ever dropping his gaze.

After a few moments, a feeble couple of knocks came.

“Who is it?” Celestia asked in a singsong tune.

The door was instantly thrown open again, slamming against the wall.

“We’re under attack!” the guard bellowed in fear, the sound of another explosion coming from within the castle.

Celestia sighed heavily, drawing herself away from her seat.

“Let me guess,” she stated dully as she tramped quickly down the hall to the throne room. “An army led by Fluttershy?”

“No! It’s an army led by Fl- I mean, yes! How did you know?”

“A little boulder told me,” she deadpanned.

Outside the castle was a roaring caucus waving banners and signs of protest labeled ‘Chosen 1’ and ‘We Are The 20%’. Celestia took one look at the enormous throng of griffons before glancing back at the nervous guard.

“Where is everypony else?” she frowned.

“You mean the royal guard?” he gulped. “Well, they’re sort of, er… gone, you see.”

“They killed them all?” Celestia balked.

“What?” the guard blinked. “No, not at all. They saw the oncoming army and all took simultaneous vacations.”

Celestia then turned her fiery stare to him.

“… My entire royal guard just up and quit on the spot.”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“… Why?”

“Well,” the guard tapped his hooves awkwardly. “They were asked very nicely.”

Celestia face-hoofed, kicking the door open and stomping outside to greet the shouting throng.

“What’s all this, then?” Celestia bellowed, silencing the crowd.

It was painfully quiet for a minute before any of them moved. A couple of leaf waving griffons came forward first, followed by an entire team of them carrying what appeared to be nothing more than an ordinary armchair. Of course, the fact that Fluttershy was sitting meekly atop it made it all the more confusing.

“Um… we’re here to spread the word of kindness, I guess,” Fluttershy looked uneasily around at the mob of feathers and beaks.

“… What.”

“Yeah, that was my first reaction too,” Fluttershy admitted awkwardly, rubbing the back of her head with one hoof. “So, anyway, we’re kind of here to take over. Er… sorry…?”

“Take over?” Celestia scoffed, flaring her wings and hitting the only royal guard that she had left square in the face, knocking him off the steps. “You and what army?”

Somewhere, a cricket chirped.

“Right, aside from them, what else could you possibly have?” the princess frowned.

“… We’ve also got these rather large ballistae,” one of the griffins chimed in, pointing at the siege weaponry.

“Okay so,” Celestia rolled her eyes as the battered guard attempted to clamber back up the steps. “Aside from an army and a couple of giant crossbows, what else have you got?”

“We have the Avatar of Kindness,” a yellow cassock wearing griffin proudly thumped his chest. “Clearly no match for whatever you can throw at us!”

Fluttershy seemed to snap back to attention.

“I’m sorry, what?” she blinked. “Oh, um, no, I don’t think I could fight Princess Celestia-”

“Fight?” Lord Niceington guffawed. “As if we would ever allow the Avatar of Kindness to fall to such debauchery!”

Fluttershy sighed in relief.

“No, we’d just launch you from one of the giant crossbows.”

“I thought it was a ballista?”

“OKAY!” Celestia stamped one hoof against the ground, drawing their attention. “Aside from an army of griffins, giant crossbows, and projectile ponies, what else have you possibly got?”

It was silent amongst the crowd.

For a few seconds.

“We’ve also got healthcare!” one of them chimed in.

“You’ve got healthcare?” the battered guard standing beside Princess Celestia inquired eagerly.

“Yeah, and dental!” another one chimed in.

“I don’t even have dental,” the guard kicked weakly at the ground, earning a furious look from Celestia.

“Don’t even think about it,” she hissed before turning her attention back to Fluttershy’s army. “Right! So, aside from an army of griffins, giant crossbows, projectile ponies and healthcare, what else have you got?”

“… You’re a bit thick, you know that?” Lord Niceington gaped at Celestia with an open beak.

Princess Celestia stared back.

“Do you mean to call me stupid or fat?” she frowned.

“Both, ideally.”

And then the sun went down.

It was a dark day, indeed.

In Which Equestria Is Overthrown, Probably

It was a dark day in Canterlot.

Literally.

The sun went down like Pinkie Pie on an ice cream sundae, not even giving Luna time to raise the moon properly, throwing the entire landscape into a sea of inky darkness.

“... Alright,” Lord Niceington's voice could be heard from the pitch black blanketing the world. “Stalemate it is then.”

“Lay down your arms,” Princess Celestia demanded in a powerfully loud voice, imagining very hard that she could see in the dark better than anypony else. “Surrender now and you and your army shall not be harmed!”

“Oh, goodness!” Fluttershy squeaked. “Oh dear, oh dear! Princess, I didn't mean it – I mean, of course I didn't mean it, but I'm sure the griffons didn't mean it either they're just a little confused-”

“We are not confused!” Niceington insisted.

“Fluttershy,” Celestia asked wearily. “Why are you on their side again?”

“The Avatar was drawn to the love and acceptance of her followers!”

“Well, they sort of forced me at crossbow-point,” Fluttershy said.

“The Avatar was drawn to the love and acceptance of her followers, and forced at crossbow-point!”

“Alright,” Celestia frowned. “You have ten seconds to get out, Niceington.”

“Ha!” the cassocked griffon mocked her; or, rather, mocked a spot about fifteen feet away from her, it was still very hard to see. “Again, ha! We fear not your wrath!”

“Well, we kind of do,” a griffon near the back piped up. “I'd rather not be sent to the sun today.”

“Don't you mean tonight?” someone else quipped.

“Hold on, WHO'S being sent to the sun?”

“We're going to be sent to the sun?!”

“I'm too handsome to die!”

And within moments, the entire mob had fallen into chaos and shrieks of terror.

“Now-now, hold on...!” Niceington desperately tried to save face. “We can do this, we practiced!”

“How do you practice foalnapping somepony at crossbow-point?” Fluttershy asked quietly.

“Oh, you know,” the griffon shrugged as his entire crowd went absolutely berserk, the sound of shattering glass mingling with the screams. “We go through a lot of rabbits.”

“Oh, okay. Wait, what?”

“Niceington,” Celestia approached. “You had one chance.”

“Ha!” the cassocked griffon barked humorlessly back. “As if we're afraid of the likes of you! If there is a single griffon in the Kindness Battalion with an inkling of fear, speak up now!”

Niceington was met with silence.

“Told you so,” he said smugly to thin air.

Then the sun came back up.

“Is that the best you've got?” Niceington scoffed. “Ha! And again, ha! Your parlor tricks are nothing!”

“Oh, no,” Celestia was busy setting up a small tea table in front of him, conjured from nowhere. “Please, do go on. I was just about to have my morning tea.”

“Are you mad?” Niceington mocked her. “You're going to lose your kingdom, and you're having tea?”

“Really?” Celestia cocked an eyebrow. “You and what army?”

“THIS arm-” Niceington threw out a claw toward his army. Unfortunately, his Kindness Battalion had long since left, leaving only a small note that read 'Union members left for break, be back never'.

“... Well,” Niceington coughed uncomfortably into one claw after a few moments of quiet contemplation. “I see that your kingdom is doing well enough on its own. Good-good on you, then. We'll call it a stalemate.”

“I play to win,” a golden glow grew from Celestia's horn.

“DRAW, DRAW, IT'S A DRAW!” Niceington squealed in fright, fleeing as fast as his griffon wings would take him.

Fluttershy was left sitting in confusion.

“... Can I go home now?”