Chapter 6 Alt Title: 12 Years a Slave (Not Really)

Ever have one of those days that you know is gonna suck? Well, I did. It was approximately my third millennia of existence when it happened. Me still being the green rookie back then, I ended up finding out that I could turn into a human again... except I looked almost nothing like my old self.

For one, my old self was a scrawny, five foot seven Chinese guy with standard Chinese features, and a medium length half bowl-cut thing for hair.

My new self was a skinny, toned, pale, five foot ten Japanese looking guy with long sorta shaggy, sorta wavy hair. And had dark green eyes. I looked like fucking Tensa Zangetsu.

Totally not hating on Bleach, by the way; but seriously, what are the odds?

Thankfully, I was clothed; in my standard human style too! That is, t-shirt, black cargo pants, black combat boots, big-ish coat full of pockets. Though, this was a trench coat, like the one in those detective noir movies... except also in black.

Fitting, I guess.

After admiring my form for a bit- don't look at me like that! I was corporeal for the first time in millennia- I had realized one very important thing: I didn't know how to change back to normal.

"Oh...shit. OH SHIT!"

And I promptly freaked out... that is, until I noticed where I was, that being one small Universe that went by the code name of: YHaH.

"Wait a minute... oh no... not this place... shit."

Then I went back to freaking out for the next couple of minutes.

'At least I get to keep my voice...unlike that other guy...who won't get here for another twelve-ish years..."

And like the hand of God (Not me-god, the other God... Yes, the Christian God is real... sorta... the Judeo-Christian/ Muslim God is just a tiny fragment of the real God. We call him Jehovah, Joey to his friends (Mostly just the Metatron (Marty) and the Holy Spirit (Hal)) He's cool... for a guy who committed genocide a few times. He was really temperamental when he created the Base Earth), IT happened.

Caps totally necessary.

"Ohh wait what's tha-HURK KKKKHHHHRRRRR CRAAUUGH."

'God fucking dammit'

Silver lining: I still had all my power... however little it was back then.

On the other hand... I couldn't tear my way out of the Universe in human form. Nor could I fly. Or access my primary subspace pocket. At least I had my single person teleport...

Tch... can't talk, can't fly, can't get to my goddamn job, can't carry more than a few tons of cargo, can't use some of my powers in this god forsaken desert, can't see shit, can't hear anything except the wind, can't... can't feel the sun burning my ass off? Huh... mega-heat-tolerance, sweet.'

Side note: As a human, I could withstand heat that would leave most people drowning in a puddle of sweat up to about a hundred eleven degrees. In a large, five-pound, black jacket. In the Californian Summer sun. For over half an hour. With a heavy backpack.

I also got a really nice boost in my stats, from speed to [REDACTED; EXPLICIT REFERENCE].

Yes, you read that correctly.

Yes, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

No, I'm not at all bothered by telling you this. I'm comfortable in my asexuality. And a deity. So y'all can just take it.

Ahem.

Well, after assessing that 1) I was in the middle of a goddamn desert, 2) The nearest sign of sentient life was heading due west and was twenty miles away, and 3) I'd probs have to act like a dumb human to survive, I stripped down, put on a tattered loincloth (It was a woman's cut, don't ask how I got it. Kept my virginity, thankfully.) and some dirty sandals (Those were mine. I used them on beaches in human form... I replaced them after this.) and rolled in the sand for a bit. Then I used my teleport to appear in the shade of an oasis about a kilometer from the approaching ponies.

Yes, I can in fact distinguish between different races' life signs. It's not hard.

A half hour later, after drinking some of the water and eating some of the fruit (Sour, but delicious; like lemons), I heard the ponies approach. Feigning sleep, they trotted up to me and spoke, one male, one female.

"Huh, a human? Out here? Looks better than most of the specimens we find, let's get him into the carts. 'Storm, get a cage ready." the male spoke. The female, apparently named Storm – probably a pegasus– left to prep a cage while the male lifted me into the air and floated me towards the caravan.

As I observed, I noticed that 1)The cages were clean, 2) The insides of every manacle were padded 3) There were a hell of a lot of dried food barrels, high quality by the looks of it, 4) There were a hell of a lot of wagons, 5) All of the ponies were well dressed and had real, kind smiles on their faces, and 6) The ponies were treating the humans quite well.

Initial assessment: Not the same group that got Max about a dozen or so years from then.

Secondary Assessment: These ponies'd probably treat me nice, if the other humans were anything to go by.

'Ah hell, why not? All I gotta do is settle in with the Princess, 'n that'll be pretty easy if I just try... looks like I'm staying, at least until I can get myself out of this fuck-up.'

With that in mind, I settled into my (surprisingly comfortable) cage and fell asleep.

Canterlot, here I come. Best get the cleanup crew ready.

Six Hours Or So Later

I woke with the jarring of my cage, the caravan having stopped. Taking note of the situation, I looked out the windows of the wagon and found that the first stop was Canterlot.

'How convenient... Now... how to attract a Princess? She's, let's see... heading this way? Huh, maybe she sensed something like she did when she finds Max in the future.'

Half my job done, I waited while the ponies working the Caravan– which, as I noticed, was named 'Blue Moon Human Caravan'– prepped all the humans around me for sale.

On stage, I noticed the leers of many of the mares (and some of the stallions, ugh). A majority of them were, unfortunately, staring at me. I guessed it was because I looked nicer than the others, which looked like neanderthals.

'I suddenly feel the need to take ALL the showers. All of them.'

Shuddering, I tried (and almost failed) to keep my cool, waiting for the Princess. And prayed to Joey and a few of the Admins that I was friendly with that I wouldn't be sold until the Princess came and at least noted my presence.

"...And finally, this fine specimen! Found in the desert, no name, no mark. Nice and solid, just look at 'im! Starting bid is at ten thousand bits!"

'That much for lil' ol' me? I can't wait until Celly gets here... I really need to work on getting me powers straight n' all...'

And as I thought that, I also noted that Celestia was right outside the auction area, a contingent of guards behind her.

'Wunderbar. This is my chance! Hasta la vista, putas!'

Setting a plan into action (Plan Delta 3, to be exact) I broke my shackles, shifted into my trench coat and a modified TRON suit, pulled out a shitty ninja sword, and ran towards the Solar Princess as fast as I could, which, if you were paying attention, is pretty goddamn fast. Amid the shouts of surprise and fear, I sprinted past the crowd of disgusting, perverted, ugh, nobles, and dodged the sparse spell-fire from the few guards already there.

'There!'

Homing in on Celestia, I dodged the considerably denser spell-fire from the guards that finally caught up to their Princess, leapt into the air, slashed a crescent of shadow behind me to knock down the guards, did a double front flip, three spins, four rotations, a backflip, and landed in a sitting bow right before the Princess herself, my sword vanishing into the subspace it came from. As I beheld her shocked expression and the guards slowly rose to take me down, I reached into my coat, noting the tenseness that followed, and pulled out a small note. On it were the words:

As Celestia read the note, her face shifted from shocked to slightly amused, before she spoke, "I believe the current price for this one is ten thousand bits?"

One of the handlers hurriedly answered, tripping over his hooves in his rush to bow before his ruler, "Y-yes your majesty; will you be making a purchase?"

"Yes."

'Oh thank you Joey. Thank you so much.'

'No prob.'

Yes, Joey can hear it every time you mention him. Yes, he knows it's a bit creepy. No, he doesn't give a shit.

"Guards, alert the Royal Treasurer that I am making a withdrawal. Ten thousand bits, hmm? Write a check for one million bits, address it to the Blue Moon Human Caravan."

"O-one million!?"

"Fine. One and a half million. You drive a hard bargain."

The handler fainted. Chuckling, I stood, standing deferentially behind my new 'owner' with two new swords, Kanshou and Bakuya, crossed over my back. Also, hidden blades all over. With the Kusanagi no Tsurugii and Sakegari no Tachi at each hip. And two lightsabers across my lower back. I like to be well prepared when I'm in my human forms, especially if most of my power is sealed.

"Do you really need that many weapons? This isn't a war zone, human, it's just Canterlot."

Another note:

"Fair enough. Come along, we should get back to the castle, my student is waiting for me."

Following her, I took in my surroundings; nothing special, just standard Canterlot buildings. Slightly posh and snobby, but fairly simple, at least until we got within a few miles of the palace. Then it was massive, ostentatious mansions decked in gold and marble and all sorts of things that just screamed 'I am a rich asshole, steal my money, I don't care'. And then, the Palace. Or as I liked to call it, the Fanciest Goddamn Rock in the Land. This one deserved the name, it was literally one GIANT slab of white marble, chiseled to look like it was made of bricks. I think a castle of marble bricks woulda been easier.

The ponies stayed the same, well dressed and slightly arrogant; again, until we reached the 'Rich Asshole' district, where they became... frillier and arrogant enough that I wanted to punt them into the Void. Repeatedly.

I always did have zero tolerance for stupid assholes. Especially ones with superiority complexes. Now, I won't lie, I often felt superior to other people, but that was always because I proved myself superior. Still can't prove myself superior to Soundwave though...

Anyways.

When we arrived at the castle, it was about high noon, so I had to follow Celestia to the Royal Dining Hall where I met a filly Twilight Sparkle.

"H-hello..."

"..."

"O-okay...?"

'I seriously need to come up with a better way of communica- wait a minute... I have something that just might work'

While Celestia sat for Twilight's lesson and lunch, I pulled out a slim, hi-tech collar, also black. Placing around my neck, I immediately felt the chaos magic in my throat dispel, allowing me to speak once again.

"Hrm. That was... unpleasant. Your majesty, allow me to make the introductions that I had so erroneously not completed," I bowed, "My name is Umbra Shadow-Walker, Systems Administrator level 2 Gamma for Multiverse Branch 445903 Beta. Pleased to meet your acquaintance."

Shocked silence all around.

"Y-you can speak!?"

"Quite well, majesty."

Apparently I had also gained a large, purple, chattering tumor on my arm.

"Ohmigoshhowareyouabletotalkhowelseareyoudifferentcanyoudomagiccanyousmilecanyouflycanyou-"

Gently, I scraped Twilight off my arm, and deposited her back next to her mentor using a small tendril of shadow. With a slight smile, barely more than an upturn in the corners of my lips, I answered the excitable bibliophile, "I can talk simply because I've always been able, the chaos magic around the Universe simply made it more... difficult. I am different in a myriad of other ways, being that I am not an actual human, but instead I am an extra-dimensional being of immense power. Yes, I can do magic, yes I can smile, and no, I can't fly, not as I am right now. But teleporting does suffice most of the time."

As the unicorn filly gathered wind for another rapid-fire burst of questions, I turned to Celestia and addressed her, "Your majesty, if you would allow me to act as, say, your bodyguard and/or spy I would like nothing better. Would you humor this one's request until I can find a way to return to my normal form?"

"Of course, Umbra. By the power vested in me as the Ruler of Equestria, I pronounce thee, Umbra Shadow-Walker, as my personal bodyguard until such a time that he decides to leave my service. There, is that to your liking?"

"Of course, majesty."

Turning away, I strode away from the table, leaving only a parting shot, "By your leave, majesty. I think I'll go secure the perimeter. Enjoy your lunch." Vanishing, I placed a few turrets in shadowed corners, all of them modified to be able to aim, even when stuck in a shadow, and fire accurately enough to give a housefly a close shave. Registering the magical signatures of the Princess, Twilight, and the guards, I set the turrets to scan for hostile intent, using infrared, ultrasonic, and magical scanning.

I am nothing if not thorough in my defense systems.

Fortunately for any and all would-be assassins, the turrets were only equipped with tranquilizers and stun rounds. Killing a guard over a petty spat on accident would be pretty horrible.

'Aannd Turrets, activate.'

'Safe enough, I suppose.'

Then, heading out into the wild world beyond, I stopped and considered; did I actually know anything about this Universe's history?

The answer: a resounding nope.

'This... could be problematic... 'specially since I can't get to me subspace pocket.'

Then suddenly, a pony.

"Well hello there, handsome. Where's your owner?"

'OHSHIT'

Yes, it was, in fact, 'Prince' Blueblood. The man-fucking, pretty-boy, rich-bastard that stalked the halls of Canterlot's Royal Palace. It took everything I had to not splinterize the timeline and murderize the fucker.

Yes, that would be bad, since it would hopelessly fracture the timeline and maybe change everything about Max's story in this branch. Need to have the fewest possible divergences, after all.

"..."

"Hmm, you are quite the interesting specimen, aren't you?" The asshole had the GALL to sidle up to me like I was some helpless conquest, "How about you come with me then, hmm? I could prove to be a much better owner than whichever peon it is currently."

SIZZLE CRACK *RADIO STATIC NOISES* "That would be your aunt, pony." I made my voice sound like a mix between that of the Silence, Soundwave from 1984, and Rinzler from Tron Legacy. From the look on his face, my glare and the unexpectedness of the phrase really scared the shit out of him.

"W-what!? Humans cannot talk! What is happening!?"

Smirking, and subsequently scaring even more shit out of him, I turned and vanished into the shadow beneath me, headed straight towards the Griffin... Empire? Territories? Tribes?

'Gods, I seriously need to figure my way around this Universe.'

End Chapter 6