The next day, the guys and I were just taking a stroll around Ponyville until we stumbled across the ponies--who were just standing around, doing nothing. Andrew was the first to say, "Hey there, what're y'all doing?"

"Oh just waitin' fer Rarity ta come back," Applejack told him.

That was when we finally noticed that she wasn't even amongst them. Jonathan then asked, "So where is she?"

Twilight then told him, "She and Spike went looking for gems for her dresses."

And Rainbow Dash added, "And knowing Rarity, she's probably going to spend all day looking for every gem she can find."

We then heard a loud scream across the distance as Spike was running towards us and shouted, "Rarity...woods...jewels...dogs...hole...taken...save her!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," I calmed him down. "Take it easy there, Spike. Now just tell us again what happened to Rarity."

"Rarity's been...!" the frantic little drake was still too panicked to tell us the rest.

"What about Rarity?" Twilight inquired.

"Rarity's been...!" once again, the poor kid do nothing but let out more breaths of anxiety.

"Well spill it out, Spike," Rainbow shouted, "what happened to Rarity?!"

Unless anyone of us had a paper bag on standby, Spike could nothing but speak through violent exhales. But that didn't seem to stop him from still trying to get across his point to us; we all watched as Spike raised one of his claws, tapped his arm with two claws, raised one of them again, and placed all of them near his ear.

"Oh boy, I love charades!" Pinkie bounced with joy. "Let's see, first word, two syllables, first syllable, sounds like?"

Spike started to point at himself, while we all tried to guess what he's trying to say.

"Chest?" guessed Andrew.

"Spike?" Twilight speculated.

"Scales?" Fluttershy suggested.

"Dragon?" Jonathan presumed.

"Dragon kid?" my guess seemed to have peaked Spike's attention. Knowing that dragon didn't get a response, I manage to deduce that the first syllable is "Kid!"

Moving onto the second syllable, Spike laid his head on both his claws as he acted as if he were sleeping.

"Sleeping?" my aspie side chose the literal choice.

"Snoozing?" Jonathan guessed.

"Nap?" Applejack speculated, which in turn resulted in Spike waking from his fake slumber.

OK, so we manage to decipher that he's saying that "Rarity's been kidnapped." But by whom or what, Spike tried to tell us. He raised two claws and tapped his arm with one claw to let us know that the second word only has one syllable. After that he commenced to waving at us.

"Wave?" Rainbow Dash presumed.

"Well it certainly looks like he's waving goodbye," Andrew pointed out.

Once again, Spike made it clear that we've guessed right. Now realizing that he's saying "Rarity's been kidnapped by..." Pinkie tried to fill in the last blank all by herself. "OK, don't tell me, Rarity's been kidnapped by dragons! By griffins? By zebras? By manticores? By minotaurs? By timberwolves? By yaks? By buffalo? By thieves? By kidnappers? By rebels? By donkeys? By bat ponies? By mutant marshmallows? By aliens?"

After making each wrong answer, Spike made it easy for her by dropping on all fours, panting with his tongue out, and letting out exhausted barks.

"Aww, he's pretending to be a dog," Fluttershy cooed at Spike's act.

Giving us a thumbs up, we all came to the conclusion and shouted together, "Rarity's been kidnapped by dogs!"

After saying that out loud, Jonathan was the first to realize how strange that sounded. "Rarity's been kidnapped by dogs? Eh, I guessed I've heard much weirder stuff since being here."

Not bearing to see Spike continue to run out of breath any longer, Twilight now decides to give her assistant a paper bag to breath into. "Now Spike, is that what you've really been trying to tell us?" she double checked.

"Yes, exactly!" Spike shouted in agreement. "We were out looking for some gems, and this group called the Diamond Dogs come out of nowhere and took Rarity underground!"

"Well what're we waiting for?" said Rainbow Dash. "Let's go save her!"

And as Spike was leading us to where she was taken, Jonathan was saying, "Finally. I haven't seen any good action happen around here since the time we went to see that dragon."

Spike did a very good job of leading us straight to where the kidnapping had transpired, but he didn't mention anything about there being more than one hole! As we were all gazing upon this sight, Pinkie was like, "Holy moly, that's alotta holeys."

"Come on girls--and guys!" Twilight ordered. "Let's get started."

"You don't have to tell me twice!" not wanting to waste any more time, I quickly dashed forward ahead of them. The guys--of course--were protesting me to stop, but I ignored them as I shouted "CANNON-BALL!" and dived into one of the nearby holes.

As everyone was silent for awile, Andrew was like, "Well, there goes Jeffrie."

Rainbow Dash then whispered to Twilight, "And you say that I'm reckless."

Twilight just rolled her eyes as she said, "Let's just hope that he didn't cause too much damage." Seeing as how rescuing Rarity would be a top priority to these ponies, you'd think that they would've done what I just did and dive right into one of the holes before these Diamond Dogs find out that they're coming. But seeing as how these ponies have absolutely no logic whatsoever, they instead allow Twilight to poke her face into one of the holes while saying, "Hello?" and thus the Diamond Dogs were alerted to their location.

The minute the Diamond Dogs had saw their faces, they immediately blocked up every hole with dirt. And since the ponies, Spike, and the guys were standing in front of them, most of them ended up getting so much dirt in their face that they all looked like one of those blackfaced minstrel show performers. (Luckily they all wiped it off before anyone could come over and shout "That's racist!".) Of course this isn't too much of a problem--especially seeing as how they can just dig it. But even the Diamond Dogs wouldn't let digging up the holes be an easy task. Everytime just one of them tries to dig, those fucking dogs immediately trip them, push them, and pretty much make sure that they're being prevented from ever getting into their lair.

When the Diamond Dogs were finally finished in thwarting their attempts, Jonathan was the first to call it quits. "Great, just fucking great! We get dragged out to the middle of fucking nowhere just to find a bucnh of random holes, Jeffrie dives in without us and is probably captured, and now these fucking dogs fill up every single hole we can come by! Of course we can always just dig them up, except these God damn dogs keep getting in our way! I'm done, I'm finished! Game over man, game over!"

"So you're just giving up?" Rainbow Dash said to him.

"No, I'm going to recharge my Green Lantern ring and come back," he told her sarcasrically. "Of course I'm giving up! Having to save Rarity's ass is not worth having to go through all of this stress, and Jeffrie can no doubt survive without our help! If you all want to waste your time getting dirt shoved in your faces by dogs then go ahead, but count me out!"

Just as he was about to leave, that was when Andrew decided to say, "Jesus Christ Jonathan, can't you ever go through one ordeal without calling it quits at the first sight of an obstacle?"

Jonathan immediately turned around, walked up to Andrew until he was close to his face and told him, "Look around you Andrew, every possible entrance has been blocked and whoever kidnapped Rarity isn't going to let us dig any of them up. Unless there's one hole that they forgot to block, then there's really no hope of us getting in."

"Look!" everyone jumped when Spike had shouted out like that. But by the time they followed him to where he was running to, they understood why.

Andrew was like, "Huh, what do you know Jonathan, you just might be psychic."

Jonathan still had his doubts. "Yeah, well I like to see how we're planning on going down there without those dogs realizing."

"I got it!" Spike shouted once again as he took out a blue gem and tied it to a fishing pole.

Twilight said to him, "Spike, how long have you been carrying that gem stone?"

"Rarity gave it to me as a way of thanking me for helping her find her gems," he told her. "I was planning on cherising it for the rest of my life, but seeing Rarity safe is more important to me than some gem."

By the time he finally lowered the bait down into the hole, he just short of dozed off into some fantasy state for awhile. After about a minute of him standing still in silence, Applejack gave him a little nudge and said, "Spike, you OK sugarcube?" reacting to her touch, Spike suddenly puckered his lips and almost kissed Applejack. Luckily she was able to snap him out in time. "Hoho there, lover boy."

Jonathan snickered as he noticed that Andrew was looking at Spike with a jealous glare as he whispered, "Check it out Andrew, even Spike has bigger balls to make a move on Applejack than you do."

Andrew just let out a mocking laugh as he whispered back, "Yeah Jonathan, how about you start making a move on Twilight and then tell me what it's like to have balls."

Before he could retort, Spike was suddenly being pulled towards the hole! After everyone quickly grabbed onto each other, they all found themselves sliding down the hole and into the lair. While Spike was able to break his fall with all the ponies pilled together, Andrew was able to cushion his fall with Jonathan's face.

"Get your ass off of my face!" Jonathan mumbled in displeasure.

After lifting himself, Andrew told him, "Thanks for breaking my fall, man."

Jonathan just let out a big gasp of air as he said, "Don't mention it." And that was when he noticed the many paths that were in front of him. "OK, so we've managed to get into this pit, now what do we do now?"

"These dogs took Rarity because she can spot gems faster," Spike explained. "So we just go to where they keep the most gems."

Twilight then added, "But Spike, Rarity is the only one who knows how to find gems."

"No, Twilight. You can!" Spike corrected her. "You can copy Rarity's gem-finding spell."

"Oh my gosh! You're right! Rarity showed me how she did it a while back." After making her horn glow, gems started to appear right in front of them.

Without wasting more time, Spike got on her back and cried, "Come on! We're coming Rarity."

And while they were following the trail, Jonathan said, "And let's pray that Jeffrie isn't in too much trouble."

Speaking of which, while the rest were trying to get underground, I was sliding down row after row of tunnels until I came to a painful stop. After letting out a Peter Griffin injured knee sigh, I was just about to get back on my feet until I happen to spot something shiny within some dirt. After brushing some of the dirt off, I picked up whatever was hidden and saw that it was a golden ring. The secong I placed it on my finger however, some weird shit started to happen. For example, everything just turned black and white and the only thing that has any bit of color was the ring. But since Rarity is in need of some help, I put this matter to the side and just moved on forward.

While I was walking along, I saw two dogs approaching! They were big brown dogs that had on this battle armor that made them look like RoboCop. But the weird thing about it is that even though they were looking right at me, and the fact that I was prepared to fight them, none of them seem to notice that I was there. Yeah, I was literally standing in front of them, and they just walk past me. But I was at least able to overhear one of them mention about where they're keeping Rarity, so I didn't bother thinking too much about any of this either.

After fifteen minutes of walking and singing "Heigh-Ho" to myself, I finally discovered the mother of all diamond mines. Wherever I look, I saw row after row of dogs mining gems of every color and pulling them in carts--and not one of them even noticed me walking around. My sightseeing came to an end the second I started to hear girly screams. I followed the said screams until I found Rarity being cornered by--whom I assume--the ring leaders of the Diamond Dogs.

One was grey and had on a red jacket, the other two was big and blue, and short and light-brownish (and both were wearing the same black jacket). When they speak, they all sounded like Gollum (in fact, one of them had even said "precious").

Anyway, at this point Rarity was saying, "What ever do you want from me?"

The grey dog told her, "Gems!"

The short dog added, "Yes! The gems; the jewels."

And the blue dog finished it with, "Find them; find them all!"

"Oh! Is that all?"

You know, for a second there, I was thinking they were going to make her their sex slave. Kinda like what Jabba did to Princess Leia. In fact, couldn't you just imagine Rarity wearing that outfit? I bet Spike would give up his life savings just to see that.

Anyway, Rarity had wasted no time in finding some diamonds with her unicorn magic. Thinking that this was all she had to do, she marked the spot with an X and was more than eager to leave this underground labyrinth. That is until the grey dog said, "Good! Now, dig them up, pony."

"Oh God, they're not really gonna try to make her do that!" I blurted out in contained laughter.

And then they all did the one thing that I didn't expect any of them to do. "What was that? Did you hear something?" so none of them can see me, and yet they can still hear me. I'm...honestly surprised that they wouldn't acknowledge the fact that I'm standing right in their faces, and yet they would choose to notice that I'm speaking.

But let's just focus on the story. The Diamond Dogs quickly forgot my little outburst and went back to forcing Rarity to dig. Only what she was doing doesn't really qualify as "digging." In fact, it was mostly just her mooving one of her hooves by an inch while making a whiny groan. (And boy was I trying my best not to be laughing my ass off at this sight.)

This of course didn't please the blue dog. "What are you doing? We said dig!"

But Rarity wasn't going to have any of that. "Forgive me, but prior to you so rudely dragging me into your dirt pit, I had a pony-pedi. And I'm not about to chip a hoof because you dislike my style of digging." Just as she was saying this, she was also wagging her neck back and forth the same way a sassy girl does whenever they're like, "Oh no she didn't!"

While Rarity was going back to what she considered as digging, I was saying out loud, "Man, at this rate it's going to take them hours just to get those diamonds."

And that's when the grey dog said, "OK, whose voice are we hearing? Come out and show yourself!"

"Hey, Old Yeller's brain-dead cousin," I responded. "I'm literally right in front of you!"

"But we don't see anything," the brown dog pointed out. "Are you some kind of spirit?"

Upon hearing that suggestion, an idea suddenly popped in my head. Pumping my chest up like some proud commander, I said in a booming voice, "Yes! Kneel before the Great Spirit of the Diamond Mine! For the soil that you stand upon is mine, and thus must show some respect!"

After the three stupid dogs were bowing before me, Rarity must've finally caught on that it was me. "Wait a minute, I'd recognize that deep, cracked-up voice anywhere. Jeffrie, is that you?"

Not wanting to have my fun be ruined early, I purposely pretended not to know what she's talking about. "I know nothing of this 'Jeffrie' of whom you speak; but he does sound like a very handsome guy."

Rarity didn't seem to buy it. "Puh-lease, only Jeffrie would ever give his own ego with such self-satisfaction."

"Yeah, well he's not the one having to be the personal slave to a bunch of dogs now, is he?" I retorted.

"Oh, and you definitely have his smart alec attitude," Rarity kept going on. "The only thing that's missing are his obnoxious horse puns."

Deciding to ignore Rarity, I turned back to the Diamond Dogs and said, "OK, as you three can clearly see, this pony is a pain in the ass who won't shut the Hell up and also has a fear of dirt. As the Great Spirit of these mines, I order you dogs to dig for her so that way the crybaby won't have to do any of the dirty work and bitch too much."

And Rarity just couldn't let my statement go unanswered. "Well, I'm certainly starting to sense some of Jeffrie's rudeness if I do say so myself."

Not wanting to hear Rarity speak any further, the Diamond Dogs immediately did as I commanded and digged for her. But that didn't stop them from making her pull a wagon. The minute she was hooked onto that thing, she just had to open her mouth. As she was leading them to more gems, Rarity would complain over anything that came to mind; from their nails, to the smell of their breath, her displeasure knew no bounds.

But it was when she started demanding water where the short dog finally reached his breaking point. "Good gracious, I can't take this anymore. Be quit, pony!"

"And that's another thing," Rarity went on. "I would appreciate it if you stop calling me pony. I am a lady, and I wish to be addressed as such. So you may call me Miss, or Rarity, or Miss Rarity."

"Enough!" the grey dog cried. "Your whining! It hurts!"

"Whining?" said Rarity. "I am not whining, I am complaining. Do you want to hear whining?" and then she started to whine in such a way that even Jonathan has never done before. And my God was it fucking hilarious or what! My lungs were just aching as I was hearing Rarity say in her over-the-top whiny voice, "Oh, this harness is too tight! It's going to chafe. Can't you loosen it? Oh, it hurts and it's so rusty! Why didn't you clean it first? It's going to leave a stain! And the wagon's getting heavy! Why do I have to pull it?"

While the blue dog had jumped into the pile of gems in an attempt to block out Rarity's whining, the short dog cried, "Ah! Make it stop!"

And then the grey dog shouted, "Stop whining!"

And then Rarity had hammered in the final nail in the coffin of the grey dog's attempt to silence her. "But I thought you wanted whining!" next thing you know, those dogs were at her mercy.

While the three stupid dogs were hauling in wagons full of gem stones, Rarity was drinking water from a golden goblet while being fanned by those RoboCop dogs. Upon seeing all of this, I walked up to the Diamond Dogs and was like, "Man, you three just gave a whole new meaning to the term: pussy whipped."

"What do cats have to do with any of this?" the short dog asked.

"Nothing," I said. "But even I know that a cat wouldn't go down so easily just because a pony starts to whine a little."

That last statement seemed to have boosted the grey dog's spirit. "The Great Spirit of the Diamond Mine is right! This is ridiculous; letting a pony order us around. What are we, mice or dogs?"

The other two were like, "Mi...dogs?"

And then the grey dog said, "Dogs do not pull, ponies pull. Let her make the awful noises." He immediately strapped Rarity back to the wagon--the latter who which tried to whine her way out again. But the grey dog wasn't having any of that. "Ha! Make the noises all you want. But move while you make them." He then slapped her on the ass and shouted, "Hyah, mule!"

Rarity then looked at him and was like, "Did you just call me a mule?"

I then whispered to the dog's ear, "Oh, now you've done it."

She started to tear up as she said, "Mules are ugly. Are you saying that I too am ugly?" and then she made them listen to a noise that's ten times more annoying than whining: crying.

The short dog was like, "What are these noises?"

"He called me ugly!" Rarity sobbed.

"No, mule! I said mule!" the grey dog defended himself.

"An old, ugly, mule!" Rarity continued. "And it's true! Just look at me. I used to be beautiful, but, but now..."

The blue dog tried to make her stop. "No, no! You're still beautiful po...uh, Miss Rarity."

"You're just saying that!"

The short dog then tried his own take. "No, you're still pretty and..."

I then whispered to the grey dog, "Say she's nice."

"Oh, uh, nice. Yeah."

But Rarity didn't seem to buy it. "I don't believe you! You never liked me!"

As she kept on crying, the grey dog's patience was finally at the edge of a cliff. "Oh, I've had just about enough of this!"

I then told them, "You know, there is a way you can make this stop."

The grey dog bowed again and was like, "Please tell us how to end this, Great Spirit of the Diamond Mine!"

"Well, do you three remember seeing some ponies, a dragon, and two humans trying to get in here?"

"That's what those two-legged creatures are called?" the blue dog was asking.

The grey dog ignored it and said, "Yes, what about them?"

"Simple, just give them 'Miss Rarity' and it'll be their problem."

The short dog was then like, "Of course, that's the whole reason why they tried coming down here in the first place!"

I then added, "Oh, and just another thing, 'Miss Rarity' was looking for some jewels before you took her; so maybe you might want to give her enough to last for a whole century."

The grey dog didn't seem too eager about that idea. "But we've worked very hard to mine those gems..."

"Are you questioning the Great Spirit of the Diamond Mine?!"

"No, I wouldn't dare question you!"

"Then give her the gems!"

It took them nearly half an hour, but they managed to give Rarity almost every diamond they had. And the timing couldn't have been more perfect when the guys, Spike, and the ponies came crashing in and were surprised to see the Diamond Dogs being eager to give up Rarity and their jewels.

But before any of them had even lifted a foot, Jonathan said, "Wait, where's Jeffrie?"

"Who?" asked the grey dog.

"The one who came down one of those holes before you all started to fill them up!" Jonathan explained.

"Yeah," Andrew said. "So where is he?"

"Sorry two-legged ones," the short dog apologized. "But none of us even know what a Jeffrie is."

"He's here," Rarity assured them. "I've been having to listen to his voice all day."

"Then where is he?" Jonathan demanded.

"Obviously I'm standing next to the cart Rarity's pulling," I told them all.

The grey dog suddenly said, "Kneel, all of you! You are in the presence of the Great Spirit of the Diamond Mine!"

Jonathan was never going to believe that hogwash. "That ain't no spirit, that's just our obnoxious friend who left us all to get dirt in our faces and come crashing down here like a sack of potatoes! Where are you, Jeffrie?!"

"What part of 'I'm standing next to the cart Rarity's pulling' didn't you get the first time?"

They were all looking right at me, but they all had confused looks on their faces. Andrew then said to Rarity, "Are you sure that's Jeffrie?"

And then I answered the question for her. "No, it's James--fucking--Franco, of course it's me!"

"But we can't see you."

"Jesus Christ, it's not like I'm invisible or..." it then all made sense now. The whole enviroment turning black white, nobody being able to see me but can still hear me, and the fact that the ring was the only thing that had any color on it. By God, I just found my very own magic ring! All I can think of was, My Precious. Knowing that the others might want to take this from me, I decided that the best thing to do was to keep it secret.

Just as I was about to pull it off of my finger, Rarity, "Let's just go. If Jeffrie prefers to stay in this dirt pit, then so...AHHH!" the second I took the ring off, I suddenly appeared so unexpectedly that it caused Rarity to leap into Spike's arms as if she were Scooby-Doo.

After quickly putting the ring in my pocket, I told them, "See, told you I was standing next to Rarity's cart."

The Diamond Dogs were immediately bowing as the grey dog cried, "The Great Spirit of the Diamond Mine has taken physical form!"

And I decided to have more fun with them. "Yes, and for your obediance, I saw reward you with a dance that shall make gems fall from the ceiling."

"Really?!"

"Yes, now first, turn around." They did just that. "Look up at the ceiling." They did that as well. "Raise one paw while pulling your tails with the other." They also did that. "Hop on one leg." And they saw you can't teach an old dog new tricks. "And now you must repeat the following incantation: Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who? Who?"

"And this'll work?" asked the short dog.

"Yes, and don't stop until gems start falling down," I ordered them. "If you do, then you must sniff each others' butts for three hours and start over."

"This isn't going to take long, is it?" the blue dog asked.

"The Great Spirit of the Diamond Mine has spoken."

While the three stupid dogs were commencing their everlasting torture, Jonathan was like, "Great Spirit of the Diamond Mine?"

"Yeah, I was having a little fun with them." I explained.

"Well why didn't you just save me instead?" Rarity wondered.

"Because then I wouldn't get to hear you whine," I said while trying my best to hold back my laughter. "And Jonathan, after listening to her whining, it puts you to shame. And after all the times you were bitching, that's saying a lot."

Jonathan didn't really know what to make of this. "I'm not sure whether I should feel complimented or not."

"Yeah, well why don't we get on out of here." I suggested. And after all the ponies had strapped themselves to the wagons, that just what we all did.