"Eris," I said. "The greek goddess of strife and discord. Symbolized by a golden apple, upon which she carved the words 'to the fairest' and threw into a gathering of the gods... ultimately resulting in the Trojan War and the destruction of Troy."

The draconequus (draconeqesse?) curtseyed. "No relation," she said.

I did the best I could. "Have at thee," I said. I fumbled stiffly for my cane where I knelt with one hand and whipped it around, barely missing the end of the draconeqesse's nose. (draconeqesse, we'll go with that.) The tip sparked a bit, but apparently wonking up time and lightspeed did something to electricity as well, as the spark failed to leap the gap.

"Well, see if I try to be polite with you ever again," she smirked.

I dropped the cane to the Cloudiseum floor in impotent frustration. It bounced once then seemed to join the rest of the world in its semi-frozen temporal state, hanging in midair. "It's not been a month," I protested pointlessly.

"Imagine that. Chaos monster doing something unpredictable," she said drolly.

"Fine," I snapped. "What do you want then?"

"My face on the one dollar bill," she said, grinning. I scowled at her. "Oh fine," she pouted. "Jack Nicholson did it better anyway. Relax, cute stuff, this is not an attack. Well, kinda sorta technically it is, but it's actually me forfeiting a turn to drop an update."

"An update," I said.

She nodded and lounged backward on nothing, striking a coy pose. "Yes indeedy."

I waited. She said nothing. "....fine. An update of what?"

"I thought you'd never ask," she said, sitting up and clapping her hands. "No, seriously, you just sat there forever. Of the rules to this little game we Draconequi are playing. You see, sexy," she said, turning about to lie on her stomach, her chin on her folded hands, and batting her lashes at me, "they've changed."

"What?" I said. "You're changing the rules? In the middle of the game? Even Discord didn't do that!" I fumed. Preparations and planning, wasted. "Why?"

"Oh, that's the funny part," she said. "Because it's in the rules."

"....Come again?"

"Oh, let me clarify. There are rules and there are rules. The rules Discord told you about?

The four rules?" She ticked them off on her claws.

"ONE:There will be exactly twelve competitors. No more, no less. But noone will tell you anything else about them.

TWO:There are rules, and they remain the same for all the participants. But noone will tell you what they are.

THREE: They'll each take a turn. But you won't know when, or for how long.

FOUR: You, and all the little ponies, play an important part in the game. But they'll never tell you what it is."

 

"Those still stand. But the rest of the stuff--- the rules that rule number two mentions? Those just went out the window."

"So the pattern--"

"The whole 'laws of physics go bonkers' theme? Gonearoo," she said, with a dismissive wave of her lion's paw.

I glowered at her as best I could in the constantly shifting light spectrum. "Again, why?"

"Oh, well, I'm not supposed to tell you this, 'cause it's against the rules, but--" she got nose to nose with me and grinned with manic glee-- "Chaos Monster! To heck with the rules!

"Basically, it's because you guys broke the fourth rule. Or maybe it's the zeroth rule? Or both?" She stroked her chin thoughtfully, then shrugged. "Eh. Basically, it goes like this: 'they're not allowed to know the rules. If they learn the rules, the rules have to change."

"You have a rule... that says you have to break the rules?" I was getting a little croggled from trying to follow this chain of thought.

"I know! Dontcha just love it?" She squealed and gave herself a hug.

"What."

She sat up and took on the air of someone preparing to deliver a lecture. "It's like this, hotbuns. We're chaos entities, riiiiight?" I nodded. "Which means we're not big on doing things in patterns other people can predict. In fact, it's sort of against union rules. Get it?" Again, I nodded. " So the minute you finite mortal guys figured out the pattern-- we HAD to change it.  That fourth rule should probably say 'and you're not ALLOWED to know.' " She shrugged. "You spoiled the game, but them's the breaks."

"So that's what Mayhem meant when he screamed 'cheater'," I concluded.

"Yeah, Mayhem ain't wound too tight, even for a chaos critter," Eris said dismissively. "By the way, just so you know-- we had to throw in a new contestant because Mayhem disqualified himself."

"The atom bomb?"

"Bingo." She scowled; her eyes glowed red momentarily. "We don't like it when others try to break our stuff." She shrugged. "Of course, that's another part of the reason for the rule change. Turns out it's really really hard to tweak the laws of physics without making the universe inhospitable to life." I felt a chill run down my spine. "Yeah, poke at the weak force in the wrong way and suddenly oxygen doesn't bind chemically anymore. Stuff like that. So..." she waved her paws. "New rule set. Not much point in fighting over a new universe if it gets irreparably broken in the process."

"Your stuff," I repeated.

"Get used to it honey--- this world and everything on it is draconequus property already," Eris said. She floated in a circle around me. "It's all down to who gets to take the ball and go home with it. You're just part of the package."

I risked getting to my feet. The world swayed and changed color, but I managed it. "So why help us?"

"Well," she said, suddenly coy. "Maybe I just like you." She sidled up and fluttered her lashes at me.

I gave her a look that would have curdled milk. "Seriously? You're really going to try that routine?"

She put on a pout. "What?"

" 'Cute stuff. Sexy. Hot Buns.'" She tittered at me, but stifled it. I went on. "Save your efforts, you're not even the right species to interest me."

She was suddenly coy again. "So? That can be fixed." She snapped her fingers and suddenly there was a white haired human female-- a shapely, young, and quite under-dressed human female-- standing before me. "After all, I'm very comfortable with change." She slunk toward me, emphasizing every hip wiggle and pneumatic curve. "Draconequis appetites are quite.. flexible, you know." She tousled her white hair and smiled, a cute little fang poking out of the corner of her mouth. "We could... partner. Work together... instead of fighting each other...."

With, I admit, some effort, I looked her in the eye. Her smile never reached them; they were about as expressive as orbs of glass. Any arousal I might have felt went dead on the spot. My face was flaming red, but not for the reason you think. "Oh yes, oh yes, my fantasies are fulfilled," I deadpanned. "knock it off, already. I know when I'm being made fun of."

She threw her arms over my shoulders. "Aww, how do you know I'm making fun of you?"

"Because your performance is about as convincing as a longshoreman in drag," I said dully. "Your body language is all off. Your movements are stilted, your voice is flat, and your dialogue sounds like something written by a teenage game designer for a female sidekick in a first person shooter." I glanced down. "That and your tits are on backwards."

"What??" She jumped back and looked down, grabbing her boobs. "Wait, no they're not! They--"

"Made you look."

She shot a glare at me that could have melted lead. She snapped her fingers and returned to... abnormal. "Aren't WE a clever monkey," she snipped. "Excuse me for taking a shot with that 'feminine wiles' stuff everyone keeps talking about..."

"Well you suck at it," I said. Really. She was cute in her natural form in a stuffed-toy sort of way, but she was about as sexually arousing as a lawn chair.

"Fine, fine," she said, sulking, waving a claw dismissively. "So maybe hominids and their hormones aren't exactly my 'thing,' " she said. "Can't fault a girl for trying, can you?"

"Yes," I said. " Yes I can. Get to the point. Why are you cluing us in?"

She crossed her arms and legs and sat in midair, huffing. "Because the vamp act was a joke but the offer to collaborate wasn't," she said.  "Look, not all Draconequi are jerks like Gramps was-- or like Ataxia or Mayhem. Some of us are fairly easy to get along with. I may be no prize winner but at least I won't try and conquer your world or spend all my time tormenting you. You could do worse."

"And I'm guessing that not all the Draconequi are as powerful as Ataxia or Mayhem in this little contest," I said. "I bet there are some lowballers. Like you."

"Like me?"

"Otherwise you wouldn't be trying to talk the puny mortal natives into tipping things in your favor."

Her mouth puckered. "You are too good at that whole 'pattern finding' thing for your own health," she said.

"It's a human thing," I replied.

Her shoulders slumped a little. Some genuine emotion. "You got it pegged, big boy," she said. "We're not all at the same power level. Some of the contestants are downright pathetic. Some of them, like Ataxia, are way more powerful than even Grampa Discord was... and before you ask, the only reason you 'banished' him is that you caught him by surprise. He's even grousing around demanding a mulligan. He might get it.

"Worse news for you; the heavy hitters tend to be raging jerks."

"No road manners when you're an eighteen wheeler, I assume?" I said.

She nodded. "We don't have much civilization out there; usually it's strong versus weak. The Game is pretty much most of it, and-- what a surprise-- the rules change." She gave me a stare. "You really shafted yourselves-- and most of us-- when you spoilered the rules."

"How so?"

"Because this time around, under the first set of rules, we all had an equal chance. The theme was altering the laws of physics, which meant even the lowballers had to be loaned enough juice to access them, and the high rollers had to restrain themselves to that 'one physical law only' thing. Now..."

"Now it's no holds barred," I said, with a sinking feeling.

She nodded. "Ding ding, give that man a see-gar,"  she sighed. I covered my face. I should have known there'd be a catch. I should have guessed, I should have known that the Draconequi would be irate when I spilled their game plans to all of Equestria--!

I started as a lion's paw patted me on the shoulder. "Hey, don't be too hard on yourself, sweet pea," Eris said sympathetically. "Chaos monsters, remember? Someone was liable to upend the chess board eventually." Her voice turned sardonic. "Though I did sort of hope it would take longer than two turns in..."

I composed myself. "That still doesn't answer my first question," I said. "It's the same one I asked your grandfather. Why. Are. You. Helping. Us?"

She pulled out of a lazy loop-de-loop and regarded me. "You said it yourself. Chaos does not automatically mean Evil. I mean, in my home universe the mortals don't like me, they think I'm a jerk-- but that's because I sort of do this whole 'empress of luck' thing. You know, good luck to meet me one day, bad luck the next?" She shrugged. "Depends on my mood. But I don't try to conquer their world, or ruin it."

"And maybe I'm just fond of you guys?" She tickled me under my chin. "You little mortal things are cute, in a sort of squishy-nosed-pug-doggy kind of way. I'm a jerk, but not enough to let someone else torture you while I watch."

It was believable, I suppose. Even if we were insects to her, nobody likes watching a small child pull the wings off of flies.

Her tone turned suddenly serious. "Look, there's some stuff here that'll help you. Not all the Draconequi in this game are evil. Not all of them are all that powerful either-- so that's a leg up. If you think you have a shot, take it. We're all still limited to One Big Thing, so that's in your favor. You're not going to get trampled by rampaging flamingoes while it's raining pies.

"And the big shots, which means most of the worst of us, think they have it in the bag. That means they're overconfident. If you're smart, if you're cunning, if you're brave, you can use that against them."

She backed away. I realized she had been almost nose to nose with me, her burning eyes boring into mine. Her words rang in my skull; I had the feeling I would remember those words, exactly as she said them, till the day I died. "So... what now?" I asked, trying to keep myself from passing out.

She smiled and shrugged. "I leave and things go back to normal," she said. "I blew my one shot delivering this message. Double points off for breaking the schedule, too." She shrugged again. "I never had much of a chance of winning the brass ring anyway, and with the whole game-reset being hit I didn't have a hope in heck....so I figured I might as well use it to give you guys a shot." My estimation of her basic decency went up a notch.

She smiled at me, surprisingly wistful. "Hey. You still got a couple weeks till the next contestant spins the wheel. Try not to think about it too much. Take your girlfriend out, finish that date you were on-- she'll love the weather factory, trust me. Live a little, monkey boy. Make what time you have count. Mortal or immortal, you never know how much time you got." She pulled a ringing brass alarm clock out from behind her back and with an overhand swat smashed it between her paws. Then she winked, blew me a kiss, and disappeared.

In a flash the world snapped back to normal. Rainbow Dash blew past me at mach one, the aftershock knocking me off my feet. Which was fortunate, I suspect, as multiple beams of magic lashed through the air where Eris and I had been standing. Dash pulled a hairpin turn at the end of the field and landed at my side, her hooves skidding on the cloudtop. "Omigosh, Arthur, are you okay??"

A moment later the others were crowding around me. "Arthur, are you all right?" Celestia said.

"Where did the miscreant go?" Luna stormed, casting about with her eyes for the Draconeqesse.

I waved my hand as Bright Dawn and Cloudwing (and an anxious Violette) helped me back to my feet. "She's gone," I said.

"She?" Twilight said, curious.

"Yes." I dusted myself off-- though as for that there was scarcely any dust up in the clouds to account for. "It seems we have at least one sympathizer among the Draconequi." I gave a quick summary of Eris' message.

There was more than enough in it to distress everyone, and quite a bit to make them ponder. "It could be a trick," Celestia ventured. "An attempt to throw us off-balance with disinformation.."

"Occam's Razor," I said. "It would be easier to throw us off balance with a full blown Discordian attack just now, than to expend all that effort on a double- fakeout."

"Still, she might have been attempting to deceive thee in some fashion," Luna insisted.

I snorted. "If she was then she's a better actor than any I've ever seen," I said. "Nobody's that good at being that bad at seduction."

"Excusez-moi? Qu'est-ce que c'était?" Violette said. She had a clouded, jealous look on her face. Jealousy? I thought in surprise? This soon?

She just had another woman jiggle her ta-tas in her date's face on their first day out, moron, my shoulder-imp told me. She could be on a date with a stuffed bear and be offended by that. "...Sorry," I said lamely. "She DID try to play Mata Hari with me at first... Turned herself into a human and tried to vamp me. Badly. " My expression, I hoped, told volumes.

"She didn't have the moves, huh," Dash said, amused.

"Like a man trying to kill a snake with a stick in a phonebooth," I told her dryly. The rainbow alicorn hooted. Violette's clouded expression cleared a little; still, I had the feeling I was going to have to unruffle a few feathers before the date was over.

"This is much to digest," Celestia said. "It means the contest-- and the threat-- is not as uniform as we expected."

"And that we may be more than a match for many of them," Luna said confidently.

"More importantly she gave us another bit of info between the lines," I said. "It seems we mere mortals have a skill that puts them off their game.... our knack for finding patterns. It spoils their fun, forces their hand. I think to some degree they have as much trouble fully understanding Order as we do fully understanding Chaos."

"A possible tactical advantage," Twilight said.

"Maybe."

I turned to Celestia and Luna and took a deep breath. "Highnesses, I feel we all need to step away from this for a while, a  few hours at least, ruminate on what we've learned before we try to digest it further. With your permission?"

""Your advice, as usual, is commendable. Let us part ways for a few short hours," Luna said. "There are some few things that we must attend, anyway, ere we reconvene."

"Like sending a memo to Cosmic Constant that the researchers need to scrap their Discordian attack model," Twilight said glumly.

"And what do you intend to do in the meanwhile?" Celestia asked me.

"For now, to follow some good advice, and take a certain charming young filly on a walkabout in Cloudsdale," I said. I looked over at Violette. "Get a bite to eat, perhaps visit the Weather Factory?" She dimpled and nodded. Four legs or two, a blushing girl is adorable, I reflected.

Celestia chuckled. "Have fun you two," she said. She sighed regretfully. "We will all be returning to the task at hand soon enough."

Violette and I headed for our carriage. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do," Rainbow Dash shouted.

"Now there's a comprehensive list," I called back over my shoulder. "How many items you got on it-- three?"

"Hey!" I heard the others tease her about being zinged.

I ignored them. I had a young lady to attend, and I was going to show her a good time.