The Princesses were on the horns of a dilemma.

It goes almost without saying that from the moment the unnamed draconequus disappeared, Celestia and Luna's first impulses had been to put Canterlot, and all of Equestria, on high alert. But to what end? On three different occasions in the recent past, Equestria had been put in imminent peril; first by Nightmare Moon, second by Discord, third by Chrysalis. And in all three cases, mobilizing the traditional armed forces had been worse than ineffective. To put troops out in the streets--- troops that had been shown to be ineffective against the threat--- would merely inflame the panic.  

Yet to do nothing....

I watched in grim dismay as the ponies, soldier, scientist, and sage alike, scrambled around the chamber, setting equipment aright, dashing back and forth for more orders, or tending the injuries (thankfully minor) of those present. I was in pretty bad need of some liniment myself; I felt like someone had used me for a hacky sack. Oh, I was going to feel like a plank of knotted pine by morning.

Celestia looked distressed. More distressed than I'd ever seen her; even the faint worry she showed was stunning in absence of her seemingly unbreakable serenity. And Luna.... I don't know what Discord did to her, personally, in his last two invasions, but Discord was a bully, and bullies love nothing more than preying on the weakest in a group.  She looked terribly frightened and vulnerable next to her sister.

Worse, I could see something else in their faces. They... WE... were facing an enemy who could be anywhere and nowhere, one that had shrugged off the power of both princesses and the Elements of Harmony. Anything could go now, and they were trapped by their indecision.

Well, you're a Royal Counselor, fool. Counsel, already. I stepped forward, biting my lip. At the least I might jar them out of their shock, get them moving in some direction.... "Majesties," I said. They both whipped their heads around to look at me. "Is there anything I can do?"

"I don't know, Sir Arcturus," Celestia said. "Is there anything you can do?" She shook her head. "Forgive me; I did not mean for it to sound like that. Your friendship and counsel have been of great value to us. But this...." she shook her head again. "We are facing a Draconequus, Sir Arcturus; a creature of Chaos. One seemingly more powerful than Discord. He can take a thousand forms, strike from anywhere or nowhere. Even if he does not strike he will soon hold all of Equestria in the grip of terror. I doubt there is anything in your Human experience to even compare to it."

An enemy who takes a thousand forms, who can strike from anywhere or nowhere.... who will hold the nation in terror.  I felt pinpricks of familiarity go jiggidy jig down my spine. Not terror. Terror. I hesitated, for a second--- "Not quite true," I said.

"A little over a decade ago, my country was attacked by terrorists. They lived among us for years. Then, one day, as planned, they hijacked passenger jets full of innocent people, took the controls, and flew them headlong into buildings. Three thousand people died that day. " I had their attention now; their full, wide eyed attention. "We were plunged into a war.... one that will probably be still going on for generations."

"We'd been attacked out of the blue. Our enemy was everywhere and nowhere. It would be months before we could even face him on the battlefield, and for all we knew he could attack again at any moment.

"What's important to us, is what my country did immediately afterward. We mobilized. As a nation. You're...." I corrected myself. "We're facing a similar situation that the President of my country did when the 9-11 attack occurred. We're dealing with an enemy that has struck, and vanished. We can't face him on the battlefield. Not yet. We need to mobilize the people...."

"To what end? Putting troops in the street---"

"I didn't say soldiers, I said people. The common ponies. You have to unite them, get them prepared....we have to rally Equestria. Get them up, and moving, and united. Prepare them for what comes next."

Celestia seemed to draw herself up at this. Her unshakable composure returned. "Of couse. Make a public announcement: we have been attacked, we are mobilizing. Keep calm and carry on. Scribe!" a unicorn magically wielding a quill and pen made his presence known. Celestia recited the pertinent points of the situation, adding some more prosaic turns of speech along the way. The scribe nodded, studiously scribbling it all down. "...good. Does that sound good to you, Luna?"

Luna nodded distractedly from where she was consulting with the Night Guard. "What? Oh yes, um, good.... "

"...Signed, their royal highnesses, etcetera etcetera," Celestia concluded. "Send copies to every city, town, village and one-stop post office in Equestria," she instructed. The scribe nodded and started to trot off.

"Yes-- no wait!" I shouted. The scribe stopped. "Highness, add a second note to that. A list of things that ponies can do to prepare, in case the Draconequus returns."

Celestia looked at me with a cocked eyebrow. "How does somepony realistically prepare for Chaos?"

"Duct tape and plastic wrap," I muttered. Before she could ask I added, "Even if they can't do much or it isn't very effective, it at least gives them something to do. Better that they be busy stockpiling bottled water or something...at least give them something to keep occupied, to make themselves feel prepared, feel like they're being proactive rather than just sitting on their hooves and waiting for Chaos to fall out of the sky."

Celestia nodded. "Any suggestions?"

I plucked at my beard, thinking. "Bottled water is actually a good idea. Pony cannot live on chocolate milk alone."

"Stockpile... say, a week's worth of packaged food and water?" Celestia suggested.

"A week at least," I agreed. "Same for things like medicine, soap... anything perishable." I brooded a bit, and had a brainstorm. "Twilight!" I shouted. The purple pony was digging through some research rubble. She "eeped" and gave a little jump, then trotted over to us. "Twilight, what's the name of that spell you used to, er, un-Discord your friends?"

"Um, you mean the Memory Identity Discombobulation Spell?"

"That's the one. Princess, I'd pass a decree or an order or a Really Good Suggestion, whatever--- that every unicorn, and I mean EVERY unicorn, has to learn that spell and teach it to everypony they know. Make it clear that this spell will restore friends or loved ones who have been brain-addled by Discord...."

"Indeed, good thinking. Once ponies learn of it there will be unicorns lined up three abreast to learn it." The scribe scribbled furiously. Too true; after the Changeling invasion, Changeling-revealing, trapping, and repelling spells had spread through the unicorn community like wildfire, and likewise anti-changeling gadgets and trinkets through the earth pony and pegasus ones. (1)

"Um, let's see... recommend traveling in groups, preferably unicorn, pegasus and earth pony. If things start getting tossed topsy turvy,  What a unicorn can't deal with a pegasus or earth pony might...."

Between us we managed to hash out a quick list of things the common pony could do to prepare for another Discordian(2) attack. I had no idea how many of them were even useful or practical.... but, I reflected grimly, better that they have something to do besides wait and panic.

"We thank thee for thy counsel, Sir Arcturus," Luna said. Her gratefulness was sincere.

Their faith in me was utterly terrifying. How could simply appearing exotic, coming from a far off place, and speaking with assertion and confidence have so much influence on beings that measured their lives in millennia? Sometimes it was far more comforting to believe that Celestia and Luna were simply humoring me than to think that they were so... innocent.

Then again, this truly was the first time they had been attacked by an enemy who had not been summarily defeated. Even Chrysalis' army had eventually received a proper curb-stomping. When was the last time they had fought an enemy that lasted more than a few days? Dealing with a prolonged conflict was quite possibly long out of their personal experience.

"It will be some time before receive word back from the rest of Equestria," Celestia said. "And repairs in Canterlot are already in good hooves. For now, I think we need to spend some efforts on... gathering intelligence." She raised her voice to be heard by the ponies still scurrying about the chamber. "Gentleponies, I leave you to your task. Send word to us immediately, once the Mirror has been closed." There was a general murmur of acquiescence, and the ponies continued about their work.

"Oh, hey," I said, flagging one of the researchers down. I tossed him my cane. "Examine that. It actually struck the Draconequus, right through his defenses. Might be important."

The lab worker nodded hesitantly, then grimaced at the cane balanced on his hoof. (how DO they do that?) "there's something wet and sticky on the end," he complained.

"Vitreous humor, probably," I said.

"You mean--"

"Yeah, I dotted his eye." I heard Rainbow Dash snort and Pinkie Pie giggle at my impromptu pun. The pony gave an "eww" and gingerly carried my walking stick elsewhere.

"And I think our next step should be a little word with our resident Draconequus," Celestia said grimly. "Guards, Bearers of the Elements, if you will--" but before she could finish, two guards came galloping into the room. They knelt hurriedly before the Princesses. "Yes, what is it?" Celestia asked.

"Your majesties," one said. "We are two of the guards stationed to watch over the hedge maze."

"And what brings you here, then?" Princess Luna demanded, a trifle sternly.

"It's Discord, Princess...." the other interjected.

"...We think he's dying."

 

---

 

It was a strangely somber gathering in the center of the hedge maze.(3) The princesses and their personal guards, the Bearers of the Elements, a smattering of unicorn scholars and of course my own august personage and my own entourage of bodyguards (who had wasted no time in racing to my side after the dust had settled) were gathered in a silent semicircle around Discord's petrified form. Save for the hum of analytical spells and quiet mutterings between the sages and the Princesses, it was as quiet and grim as a deathside vigil.

The old boy looked like hell. The smooth, impermeable stone of which he was made had aged, growing porous and weathered, crumbling at the corners and mouldering like poorly made masonry. cracks and fissures had appeared, running through him. As I watched, the tip of one of his mismatched horns broke off and fell away, crumbling to dust even before it hit the ground.

"Is he.... in there?" Applejack said, wincing as the horn snapped away with a sharp crack. Celestia nodded. "He is," she said. "I can sense him. As I have always been able. Since you six re-imprisoned him, he has been.... quiescent. I thought him merely lying dormant; now I see he lacked the strength even to stir in his chains." The Princess sounded distressed. Enemy or not, I supposed it was a sobering thing to see a fellow "immortal" facing his final moments. I suspected she did not deal well with death.

Who am I kidding? I don't deal well with death.

It was Pinkie Pie who asked the question that was lingering like a pall over us. "Is it us?" she burst out. "Did we do it? When we zapped him with the Elements again, did we.... did we k---" Her mane and tail hung limp and straight, and her eyes were flooded with tears. I could see her distress mirrored in the faces of the others. Celestia moved immediately to comfort them. She nuzzled Pinkie Pie, then drew the others in. "No, no, my little ponies," she said. "The Elements of Harmony did not do this, and neither did you. They are not killing tools."

"Then what did do this?" Twilight said.

"We do not know, Twilight Sparkle," Luna said.

"It--- it could be a trick, right?" Rainbow Dash said. She was trying to play tough, but it was obvious she was shaken by the idea that she and her friends might have played part in another being's death.

Celestia shook her head. "No, this is no trick, Rainbow Dash. He is still trapped within the statue, and his power is swiftly fading. It is even now threatening to gutter out,"

"Could we... could we try to save him...?" Fluttershy said.

"Should we?" Rarity said apprehensively. She grimaced. "Please, don't look at me like that," she said to the others. "I know we should, but--- if we do, instead of dealing with one Discord we'll end up facing two."

"But if we don't, we lose the best source of information on this other draconequus," Twilight pointed out. "Even then we have to at least try."

"She is right, Sister," Luna said. "Even were he useless to us... for the sake of our own souls.... we should at least try."

"Try what, Luna?" Celestia said, sounding a trifle exasperated. "We know no more of draconequi than when we overthrew Discord thousands of years ago. It would be like... like asking tree surgeons to perform surgery on a pony!"

They all debated. I was only half paying attention; I was more interested in getting a closer look at the statue.

I had known since my arrival of Discord's presence in the royal gardens. I had, however, made a point to avoid approaching the statue. Whatever you may say about my species, I think we'd agree that humans are incredibly chaotic, and I did not wish to risk the off-chance that my proximity might somehow empower him or put a chink in the forces holding him prisoner.

Now, finally being within tossing distance of the creature, I found the petrified form to be eerily compelling. Without noticing, I found myself moving away from the group and stepping closer to get a better look. Mind you, I kept enough of my shiny bright cynicism polished up so that, if I so much as heard a faint chuckle on the breeze or saw an eldritch light flicker in the cracks of his stony prison, I would break land speed records running in the opposite direction.

Nevertheless, I couldn't tear my gaze away even as I stepped closer---

"Sir, look out!"

There was a cracking noise. I looked up to see that Discord's crack-riven form was slowly toppling from his pedestal straight toward me. Something shockingly strong grabbed me by my shirt collar and yanked--- Cloud Wing had darted forward and seized my shirt in his teeth, trying to drag me out of the path of the falling statue.

I all but flew backwards, landing on my rump in the grass. the statue tumbled to the ground in shattered chunks.

With a bounce and a roll, Discord's detached head landed right in my lap.

 

---

 

The room was bare, the walls blank and covered in plaster, the floor bald planks. Everything was dimly lit in sepia-toned light, and flickered as if illuminated by firelight... or by the stuttering of an antiquated movie projector. I lifted my hand to rub my face and saw that it was as colorless and antiqued-looking as the room around me.

"Well well well," a familiar voice said behind me. "Celestia's new pet. So we finally meet..."

I lurched to my feet and turned around to find myself facing none other than Discord. A quite non-petrified and very alive Discord.

Unlike his statue, he was only a few feet taller than myself. He seemed, in fact, shrunken, as if he had endured a long sickness. He was seated in an overstuffed chair, fingers steepled as he regarded me. Somehow he lacked solidity. It took me a moment to realize that he didn't LOOK solid. He looked, in fact, like a pen and ink drawing, devoid of color save for the sepia-toned, flickering light that infused everything. I looked around again; the room was now a vast open plain, the wooden floor stretching off into the distance--- though at the same time the walls and corners of the room were clearly visible, the lone window hanging in empty air. A few cartoon-sketch clouds drifted by on the horizon.

He regarded me with mismatched eyes. "I suppose your first question is 'where am I,' " he said drolly.

I sighed. "We're not actually anywhere. This is a shared mental landscape couched in dream-metaphor and symbolism that you've established between us in order for you to convey your parting words, last wishes, final annoying mysterious revelations, 'the secret to defeating a draconequus is argh choke gurgle....' that sort of thing." I reached behind me and hooked a chair(4) with my cane(5) and pulled it to me. "Stop me when I get off track."

Discord's expression soured. "And you are aware of all this because---?"

"tvtropes dot com," I said drily.  I snorted. "The room that is both intimate and infinite, representing the psyche; the diminished, fading look of everything; the 'antique' coloration suggesting  tremendous age, the flickering lighting reminiscent of an old-time movie projector winding down.... you're not exactly subtle with your metaphors."

Discord scowled. "I can be far more creative, if you like," he said in a tone that hinted menace. a coffee table appeared between us, with a setting for tea for two. I took one cup and cheerfully knocked it back. Chocolate milk, unsurprisingly.

"I doubt it. I'm the Watcher from Beyond, remember? I watched your last little spree. It was mostly a ripoff of a Warner Brothers cartoon and that music video by Marcy Playground," I said. "You don't have to be a great artist to spot a bad one, and you're in the habit of treading old ground."

You might be asking where the hell my sense of self-preservation had gone. I was speaking to a being of terrifying and unpredictable power, who could do any number of horrible things to me with a snap of his fingers. And I was quite clearly and rudely tweaking him.

To this I say: have you ever had a particularly vivid dream? If you ever have, you'll know what I mean; you become immersed in this feeling of, I can't quite say, indestructibility; the dreamlike feeling that you could do anything you damn well pleased and get away with it. I was in that zone right then, lulled into a reckless trance by the Dreamscape's very atmosphere--- conscious, but still at a point where all my inhibitions and restraints, even my sense of self-preservation had disappeared.

They were about to reappear quite suddenly.

Discord gave me a humorless leer. He didn't snap his fingers; he didn't even unsteeple them. But I went rigid in my chair and cried out as a crawling pain swept over my body. A cold, crackling sensation swept over me, like the blood had turned frost-burn cold in my veins. I lifted up my arm in time to see it slowly discolor in a wave from elbow to fingertip, turning slowly grey--- not the grey of someone mentally Discorded, but the veiny, cold grey of stone. I was turning to stone, an inch at a time.

And it hurt. Like. Hell.

I hadn't felt pain like that since I'd had my little cardiac event some years ago... only this time instead of the pain shooting in jabbing bolts through my neck and arm, it was all throughout my body, spreading outward from my heart in an agonizing wave. Soon I was solid stone, frozen half-risen from my seat.... every inch of me frozen in a rictus of pain. I could see, I could hear... and God help me I could feel.

Discord chuckled and rose from his seat. He circled me once, admiring his handiwork. "I guess you can see why I never turned ponies to stone," he said. "I'm not like Celestia or her precious Elements.... I'm much... cruder about it." He flicked a claw against my side for emphasis; tiny jolts of frozen pain briefly radiated from the point. He walked around in front of me and looked me in my frozen eyes. "Oh yes, I know all about you, my little Human. And far more about that Fallen realm you come from than anyone would care to." He snorted in disdain. "Oh, quite a lot. More than I can stomach, really."

"?" I tried to say. But, you know, statue.

He started to pace, idly, waving his lion paw with the air of a professor giving a lecture. "Oh don't get me wrong, I've never visited your dimension," he said. "but as you've surmised, the cosmic realms tend to.... leak." He held up a sieve with water leaking from it. "All the important stuff stays inside, but ideas, concepts, even whole chunks of pop culture... hmm, perhaps that is the important stuff.... leaks out. In dreams and passing thoughts. Being a creature of the Between, I get free viewing of it all. Full cable access, all the channels." The sieve became an enormous remote control; a gigantic flatscreen covered one semi-tangible wall. He began flipping through the channels idly. "HBO is still extra, darn it...."  With a flick of the wrist the remote went sailing. With a smash and a spurt of sparks it embedded itself in the screen, which filled with static and noise before going dark.

"Can't say I was a big fan of Channel Earth, though," he said. He stepped in close, till his nose was an inch from my own. "I like to play with my lesser beings in person. Or Pony, as the case usually is. Oh yes, this whole dimension is my toybox." he tweaked my nose, then took the pinky of my upraised hand in between his thumb and forefinger. "Of course, from time to time my toys break--" he gave a quick twist, with a snap my pinky finger came off in his hand.

I blacked out from the pain.

I almost immediately regained consciousness. He was still standing there, tossing my detached finger up and down in one hand, smirking. "And here I make this little Dreamscape, just to have a chat--- and you cop an attitude with me."

"I know your kind," he said contemptuously. "You're pretty much all the same. Some burger-flipper or Megamart mop-pusher living in a trailer, or some teenage still wet behind the ears who thought he had the world by the tail, or an unemployed middle aged mama's boy living in his parent's basement..... no money, no real job, no girl, no career, no skills or abilities worth speaking of, dangling an inch from going on the dole-- if you weren't there already.... nothing at all to distinguish you from the other umpty million no-accounts wasting their lives on Facebook.  And suddenly this great miracle occurs--" he spread his hands over his head, producing a monochrome rainbow--- "and you're in the Magical Land of Equestria!...." he snorted. "Or Narnia, or Brigadoon, or Barsoom, or Pandora...." he rolled his eyes and shrugged.

"And the minute you arrive, you think that makes you the hero of the story."

I said nothing. Again, statue.

He sneered. "That's right. You think you're the Chosen One, don't you. You fall butt-first into the magical wardrobe, or slip and fall through the mirror, or get sucked through some glowing portal... and so naturally you think that the Great Aslan--- or Gandalf, or the Elf Princess, or Yoda, or Zordon--- has chosen you to be the great world-changing hero. You humans glut your bookshelves with such stories.... pandering to your pathetic fantasy." He spit in disdain. "That somehow just bumbling your way into another world overcomes all the shortcomings and failures of character that made you such a useless lump back home." His scowl turned to a smirk. "I bet you even imagined that you'd come here in the dreamscape and teach me a thing or two....the hubris of humanity never ceases to amuse me."

"You know why there are so many stories like that? About worthless failures tumbling into other realms and becoming the airport novel version of the Great White Hunter? Because most people ARE worthless failures--- though looking at you, you're apparently pushing the envelope....and they sincerely believe that if they just changed their circumstances... if they were taller, or skinnier, or a different gender, or their family were richer, or their skin were a different color, or they lived in a different town--- everything would be better. That they would be better. It's a cheap sell to the lowest common denominator.

"And you know what the gag is? The really big cosmic joke? It really happens all the time. Thousands, millions every day, all over the multiverse, some portal opens up in some unwashed cretin's filthy apartment and he falls through it and his personal circumstances are REALLY changed. Voila, welcome to Wonderland. Hey, maybe we'll throw in a new body to boot!

"You know what happens ninety nine percent of the time?" I refrained from shaking my head. He continued anyway. "Dead. Usually within hours, most within days. A statistic of interdimensional travel. Oh, not from falling into an unsurvivable atmosphere or anything droll like that.(6) They just go out and win a Darwin Award at the speed of light. Running up to pet the local wildlife--- or the locals. Eating poison berries. Getting an infection.Suffering a minor injury and not knowing how to treat it. Crossing the royalty.  Burned as witches. Dissected as alien monsters.  Falling on their own brand new magical sword.  Caged and put in a zoo. Standing there gawping like an idiot when they should be running like hell the other way.

"But the best ones, the most hilarious ones, the ones that happen way more times than anyone cares to admit, are the ones who cross over into another dimension, manage to survive, get their feet under them, and proceed to fall into the same old useless lump of a life they had in their old world. They always forget that they can leave their old life behind, but they still bring themselves along. Once a basement dwelling couch potato, always a basement dwelling couch potato."

He grinned in my face. "Like you."

"OOHhhh yes, I know YOU," he jeered, prancing around me. "I know all the things about your life that you never told your little pony friends. I am in your head after all. How you lived in a filthy, broken down trailer. How you couldn't hold down a job. How you alienated everyone you met, your entire life. How you couldn't be relied on by anyone, for anything..." He stopped and stuck his face into mine, bugging his eyes at me. "And trust me, Celestia sees it too.

"You think you have standing? Stature? Position?  You honestly think Celestia, a ruler thousands of years old, turns to you for advice? She and her sister are patronizing you. Playing along just to see what the funny monkey does next."

He sighed and went on in his disinterested tone. " At least until that gets old. Sooner or later they'll get bored with you. Or annoyed with your sub-standard personality. Or you'll mis-step or screw up in front of company one time too many. They'll get sick of you. That is how it worked when you were back home, wasn't it, Mr. Arthur Arcturus? In every social circle you ever found?

"One way or another, ponies will clue in to the fact that you're all empty talk and hot air, that you really can't do anything worthwhile and that you're not really all that pleasant to be around. They'll demand you stand on your own two aching feet and when you can't..." he tsked and shook his head. "They'll politely shove you out of the way.

"You're not going to change, you're not going to become the great and mighty Champion of Equestria. You'll end up just what you were back on your homeworld..... A lonely, unwanted, friendless, useless charity case."

...

I lost it.

I forgot that I was supposed to be turned to stone, reared back and swung my fist at his head as hard as I could. He caught it in that damned lion paw, laughing in my face, clenching the claws into my knuckles, drawing blood.

Then I brought the other hand around with a running chainsaw in it.

He stopped laughing.

I don't know why it was that my fit of rage broke his control over the dreamscape, but it did. I became vividly aware that this dreamscape was in my mind; could feel it, right down to my marrow.  One instant I was trapped in a waking dream.... the next, I was trapped in a lucid one. But unlike any lucid dream I'd ever had, I didn't start to wake up. I was still in deep, immersed in dreamstuff..... which meant that now I was in control, not Discord.

Though perhaps "lucid" isn't a good description for the hysterical rage-fit into which I went.

I'm not a good man. I'm not particularly strong, or smart, or wise, and I have a lot of issues, some far more deeply suppressed than others. Old shames, and old guilt, and traumas dating all the way back to when I was a scrawny little stick of a kid who had to run home after school to try and escape the bullies who tormented him.  God only knows but for His grace what kind of psychotic break I might have had by now. And here I was, four decades down that wretched road, in the clutches of the ultimate petty sadist as he took my deepest fears and insecurities and shames and ground them under his bony heel.

Bad mistake. Bad, BAD mistake.

For the next five subjective minutes, I went freaking berserk. In here I wasn't a sad, lumpen old man; I was in the body that my own subconscious saw when my eyes were closed formed of my memories and self-image and my natural proprioception. I was young, strong, and inexhaustible. I could pull anything out of my subconscious that I desired. And I had nightmarish reserves of suppressed childhood rage---cold, dark, and deep--- to draw on for violent inspiration.

         Do you know why human babies scream when they're born? They're screaming in rage. The only thing that saves the world is the fact that we are born so weak and helpless. Discord, the fool, had bored down cruelly into my soul and right into that pressurized pocket of primal animal fury that is every human's tragic birthright, and released it in an environment where I was no longer restrained by anything-- not by morals, or ethics, or the fear of doing collateral damage-- not even the limits of my mortal body.

I lit into him like the Tasmanian Devil.

I lay into him with chainsaws, flaming swords, ninja claws, spiked war maces, mace spray cans, tasers, fireplace pokers, fire axes, live polecats, pole axes, axe deodorant, icepicks, climbing picks, machetes, gunfire, flamethrowers, motorcycle chains, bat'leths, grenade launchers, jars of Vegemite, I swung building girders at him, I threw entire main battle tanks at him, I sprouted claws and ripped at him.... I even bit him a couple of times. The entire time I was screaming a torrent of abusive profanity at him that would have made a Tourettes patient gape in awe. We tore and rolled and thrashed back and forth across the dreamscape, tearing up the ground, pulling down the sky, smashing into everything and smashing each other.

Him, he was clearly not expecting this, or anything like it. For all his blah-blah about "knowing humanity," he "knew humanity" in about the same way a typical otaku knows japanese culture... poorly, removed at a distance, and from the opposite side of a TV screen. He had no idea just how deranged a human being could get. He was reduced to throwing everything he could think of in between us to try and block my flailing attack; pillows, giant bananas, small trees, checkerboard walls, decoys, live ducks...

I knew it was all a dream, so I didn't care. I smashed, burned down or ripped apart anything that got in my way.(7)(8) Soon the surrounding dreamscape was torn up like a battlefield from World War II.

It finally ended when I got through all his random rubbish and got my hands around his neck. My mitts were swollen to gorilla-sized paws, and were squeezing his windpipe like the neck of a balloon. He was clawing at me futilely with all four feet, while I continued to scream invective at him in a state bordering on the speaking of tongues.

"Gaack," he said. "ENOUGH!"(9) There was a blinding flash of white---

---And we were back in that not-a-room, sitting in overstuffed chairs across from each other around a tea setting for two.

Chains out of nowhere suddenly lashed around me, binding and manacling me to my chair. I struggled a moment, but I was too tired from my frenzy to fight anymore. My metaphorical claws shredded the chair arms; I could feel fangs gnashing in my mouth.

Both of us were gasping for air. Discord clutched the armrests of his chair and stared at me with bulging eyes. "What in the name of Entropy's left tit was THAT?" he wheezed.

"What happens when a human gets in touch with themselves," I snarled between gasps, glaring at him. "Lesson one, you pretentious jigsaw puzzle; you want to go around pushing other people's buttons, you'd better remember that some of those buttons go BOOM."

He managed to recover some of his veneer. He narrowed his eyes and growled at me. Literally, actually growled. Then a smirk crossed his face. "Well, you just might survive what is coming after all," he said.

We spent a few minutes letting the adrenaline dwindle. Suddenly the dreamscape dimmed, darkening like a brownout. Discord looked up at the darkening "sky." "Blast," he muttered. "I wasted too much energy with our little meet-and-greet session. I'm going to have to rush things..."

"What things?" I said.

"What I have to tell you before... well... the end," he said. He got to his feet, began pacing. "I presume you know that I'm not long for this world..."

"Judging by how you look out there," I said, "I wouldn't plan any long trips. Or long sentences."

"How bad?"

"Your head fell off and landed in my lap."

"Bad enough." He looked over his shoulder. "Let's cut to the chase. You're about to be visited by more Draconequi."

"Late news," I said. "We already met one and ran him off."

His head whipped around and he gaped at me. "You're joking."

"Put out his left eye myself," I said.

Discord winced and blinked. I was apparently full of surprises. "Oh? What did he look like?" I gave a quick description, and of the events surrounding the 'visit.' "That sounds like Ataxia," he muttered, stroking his chin. "If he's here then the other big guns won't be far behind... and I doubt a poke in the eye is going to keep him out of the running." He muttered to himself for a moment.

I waited, warily. "A little clarification?" I pressed.

"Fine, fine," Discord said. "First off, I'm not dying. Not as you understand it. I'm dissipating. "

"Ah.."

"...Fading away. Disappearing back into the cosmic background, soon to be nothing more than a mere wisp of myself, floating in between the universes, barely able to push around a single quantum flux. In a few subjective eons I might gather enough substance to take a concrete form, who knows? It's a part of the natural lifecycle of Draconequi."

"Caused by?"

He gave me a sour look over his shoulder. "A thousand years in a state of petrification, and a faceful of the Elements of Harmony at either end," he said. "I was already up in millennia, but that pretty much pushed me over the threshold. Draconequi survive by creating chaos---We take old order, create chaos... new forms, new concepts and ideas.... other creatures turn that chaos into new order. "

"Like a tree creates oxygen, and animals create carbon dioxide." I murmured.

Discord looked impressed in spite of himself. "A good analogy. But, well, going a thousand years without making more chaos.... not very healthy for a Draconequus. At this point my degradation is irreversible."

"Not very healthy for the rest of this dimension, either," he added. "For the past couple of millennia, this world has been running with a surplus of Order. You may have noted a few... defects in the system?"

"The weather control," I said. "The need to turn the seasons over by hand."

"Exactly. Chaos is change. Without enough of it in a system, the system won't cross over its threshold. Rain won't condense and fall. Evaporated water won't form clouds. Snowflakes won't crystallize. The biology of plants and animals won't respond to the turning seasons." He shrugged. "I'd barely gotten enough Chaos into the system to kick-start the Everfree when they imprisoned me." He growled, his shoulders bunching. "If Celestia and Luna hadn't butted in with their blasted Elements. What skin was it off their noses if I had a little fun doing my job?"

"Better they have to struggle with a little excess Order than turn this poor world over to a despotic bully," I said, glowering. I massaged my hands. My whole, unbroken hands.

He spun around and snarled. "Well thanks to them, they're going to get worse than that," he snapped. "Oh yes, they're going to be wishing for the good old days under Discord's reign after the others get here..."

"Others?"

"Haven't you been listening? Or does that beard grow straight out of your ears? Other draconequi. It's one tiger to a hill, get it? Now the tiger on YOUR hill is dying, and all the others are circling and licking their chops. This dimension has been overflowing with Order for generations, and the only thing keeping them away was the fact that one of their own--- me--- was squatting on this turf already. Now with me out of the way, the games are about to begin."

"Your last escape," I said, in a sudden epiphany. "You weren't trying to escape, or take over Equestria again. You were marking your territory."

"Oh, we are the clever monkey, aren't we," Discord smirked. "You're right. It was my last shot. Blew the works, even. I might have survived even that, but then---" he shrugged again. "The Elements of Harmony were pretty much the last nail in the coffin."

"So what happens next?" I asked.

The lights dimmed further. "Hm, best cut this short," Discord said. Perhaps I imagined it but there was a tinge of fear in his voice. "I'll break it down quickly, Human. Once I dissipate, my relatives, for lack of a better word, are going to compete for ownership of this dimension.

"Oh, not in a war, nothing so gauche. A game. A contest. And there are four things you will need to know." A chalkboard appeared; he carefully wrote down each sentence as he spoke.

ONE:There will be exactly twelve competitors. No more, no less. But noone will tell you anything else about them.

TWO:There are rules, and they remain the same for all the participants. But noone will tell you what they are.

THREE: They'll each take a turn. But you won't know when, or for how long.

FOUR: You, and all the little ponies, play an important part in the game. But they'll never tell you what it is.

He circled the last part. "All the other rules, you will have to figure out for yourself."

"And we're supposed to use this to save ourselves?" I growled.

Discord giggled. "Of course not. You don't have a hope in hell. You're going to be stuck with a new Discord. One younger than me, stronger than me, and more than likely a whole lot less fun than me. For you, anyway. I'm going to find it freaking hysterical."

"So why tell me this?" I said. "What do you care?"

"I don't," he said. "Well, I do care about this; I want Celestia and Luna and their precious little Bearers to know. I want them to remember this, even as my greedy brothers and sisters tear their little sugarbowl world apart. If they hadn't rebelled against me, hadn't imprisoned me, Equestria might have survived. They think I was a cruel tyrant? Let Ataxia or Bedlam or Maelstrom win the prize, then they'll know what a real monster is. The apocalypse has come, and   It's all their fault." He leered in triumph.

"So, just being a sadistic jerk," I said.

Discord spread his hands in false modesty. "I am what I was made. An Avatar of Chaos..."

"Horseapples."

His leer faded. "What?"

I glared into his mismatch eyes, unblinking. "I said horseapples. You heard me. Horse. Apples."

"Chaos isn't evil, anymore than Order is automatically good. Chaos can be destruction and decay or creation and inspiration and freedom, just as Order can be efficiency and harmony, or the slow tramp of jackboots in the street. Chaos and Order are both parts of a higher Order, a Harmony on a higher plane of existence....if they are used for Good."

I stood up; the chains binding me, now little more than ghostly pencil outlines, faded away. "Any mindless amalgamation of parts could be in charge of distributing undifferentiated Chaos. But you were given a mind and a consciousness, a soul-- and the power to make choices. That means that your choices matter. And you, not anyone else, not your "nature", made all the bad choices. Now the bill has finally come due, and it's cost you everything. That's noone's fault but your own, Discord.

 

"You were made an Avatar of Chaos. You chose to be a dick."

I guess I can push a few buttons of my own. Discord's face was suffused with rage. He lunged toward me-- but even as he did so, he was fading away. A monochrome painting, a colorless drawing, a silhouette outline, then nothing... the scenery around us likewise faded away as everything darkened to black.

 

---

 

"Arthur! Can you hear me??"

I awoke with a start to a small purple unicorn shining her horn in my face and yelling in my ear. I groaned and pushed Twilight Sparkle back. "Easy, Twilight," I said. "No need to shout."

I was seated on the (rather wet) grass, with Luna, Celestia, and the main six gathered around me, along with a few other ponies.  They all had rather alarmed expressions on their faces. Perhaps I should say they had expressions that ranged from sincere worry to appalled shock... oh dear. "What happened?" Twilight demanded of me.

I looked at her. "Maybe I should ask that first," I said.

Applejack looked fretful. "Well, sugarcube, y' darn near got squarshed by that statue--- the head landed right in your lap--- an' then you sorta froze up," she said. "We couldn't get you to wake up f'r nuthin'. "

"And then..." Twilight bit her lip. "And then you started turning gray."

"And then you changed back, and started shouting the most atrocious and profane things!" Rarity chipped in, looking mortified. She tossed her mane. "I have no idea where you learned such language, Arthur. Thank heavens Sweetie Belle wasn't here to hear any of it. Never in my life---"

"I took notes," Pinkie Pie said. She waved a notebook in front of Rarity. "Hey Rarity, what does this one mean again?" Rarity looked where Pinkie was pointing, shrieked and passed out. Applejack leaned over the prone pony and looked at the notebook, curious. "I think that one's in Fancy," she said.

I grunted. "Sounds about right," I muttered. I looked over at Celestia. "Discord and I just had a little heart-to-heart. It seems that now that he's fallen from power, his relatives are squabbling over the inheritance." I told them, briefly, all that Discord had told me--- his dissipation, the other draconequi, the mysterious "game" now being played for the fate of their... our... world.

The garden was disturbingly quiet after I finished, as every pony present pondered what this would mean. "How do we know this isn't a trick? That Discord really is 'disparating,' or whatever?" Rainbow Dash said. "I mean-- this is Discord..."

Even as she spoke, the stone head in my lap crumbled to dust. The rest of the broken statue followed suit, crumbling to dust, then to less than dust. Soon there was nothing left that was distinguishable from the soil. "Okay," Rainbow Dash said. "that's.... kinda convincing...."

"But it's not a problem, right?" Fluttershy said. "I mean-- we have the Elements of Harmony, we can zap any Draconequus the same as we did Discord---?"

Twilight shook her head mournfully. "It's not that simple anymore, Fluttershy. Like Arthur said: these Draconequi are going to be younger, and stronger, and more powerful than Discord was. You saw what happened with the first one...."

"It was like water off a duck's back," Applejack said dismally.

"You mean the Elements are no use to defending the Kingdom?" Rarity exclaimed in horror. Unhappy murmuring rose from all the ponies gathered.

Twilight shook her head. "No! I- it's just that...that we aren't using them to their full potential." She hung her head unhappily. "We need more time... I need to study the Elements more, learn to understand how they work better...I'm sure we can find a solution. Make them more effective--"

"And you shall," Princess Celestia said. "It is my decree that from henceforth the Bearers and the Elements are not to be separated. And..." she looked unhappy at what she had to say next "...and I must also demand that the Bearers must be kept together as well. For the foreseeable future the Bearers must live in Canterlot castle, under our protection."

"Agreed," Luna said, "We would further recommend their immediate family be moved to the castle as well."

Celestia nodded. "We are sorry, my little ponies," Celestia said. "We know that this will disrupt your lives...."

"Oh yeah, living in the castle with the Princesses, staying in fancy suites--- soooo terrible," Rainbow Dash said drolly.

I felt a nudge against my shoulder. Celestia had bumped my shoulder with her nose. "Well, my counselor?" She said. "Do you have any advice to give?"

 

I sat there, looking at the dust in my hands that was all that was left of a cosmic demigod.

You think you have standing? Stature? Position?

You honestly think Celestia, a ruler thousands of years old,turns to you for advice?

She and her sister are patronizing you....

Do you really think you're the hero of the story?

I slowly got to my feet, brushing the crumbled dust out of my lap.

I looked away from her. "Nothing.... for now," I said.

 

---

 

1)There had been a great upheaval as friends, loved ones, family members had been unmasked as Changelings... followed by an invasion right into the Changeling badlands to rescue the ponies they'd kidnapped. Perhaps "rout" would be a better term, as for all their stealth and cunning, Changelings were poorly equipped for face-to-face warfare. In fact, most Changelings lived in small groups of two or three, close to ponies or other creatures they could parasitise. The whole "Changeling Queen" thing had been an artifice of Chrysalis, who had taken the moniker after conquering and uniting a few thousand Changelings with the promise of conquest, plunder and plentiful food.  Emotion-vampires like Changelings depend on their victim's compliance and ignorance, and any predator relies on huge swathes of territory to feed just one or two-- one tiger to a hill, as it were. Had she succeeded, her "kingdom" would have been unable to sustain its numbers, even on the vast numbers of ponies in Canterlot.

More discomfiting had been the few ponies who, it was revealed, had ALWAYS been Changelings... they had simply wandered into communities in disguise, settled down and lived perfectly normal lives (relatively speaking). The day AND the Night courts had been busy for some time with requests for amnesty, not to mention marital conflicts, contract disputes, and more arising from Equestria's unexpected minority...

2)I do not know who came up with the name first. It was something of an unexpected consensus. It certainly rolled off the tongue better than "Draconequusian Attack."

3)Her scholars had reassured her that there was no way that a few squabbling fillies had liberated Discord from his prison. If anything, it was more likely that his burgeoning escape had caused the squabble. Nevertheless, Celestia had him moved to the center of the maze after he was re-petrified, just in case.

4)It was a dreamscape. I thought it would be there, so it was.

5)likewise.

6)Side note: Portals tend to open from like environment to like environment. Odd little law of the cosmos.

7)Don't ask about the ballerina buffalo. It was particularly ghastly.

8)He screams like a filly, by the way.

9)Actually it came out more like "ENARRRGGHK" but the thought was there.