It was around this time I began to truly feel sorry for him. Being so totally talentless, so completely unable to take in and accept the world around him, he was like an insect to the rest of this world, constantly stepped on just for existing. I wanted to sympathize with him, but as always, his egotistical behavior made it difficult.

When I saw him the next time, I dropped a few bits at his feet and continued as if he weren’t there. I felt bad about simply giving him money while simultaneously pretending to ignore him (“Here’s some money, now go away”), so much so that the next time I saw him, I gave him some money and greeted him.

The third time I had stopped to converse with him. This time, I was walking with Rarity who, still remembering the disgusting and untoward things he told her at the welcome party, kept a comfortable distance. Either it was the memory or the smell.

She thought up a good excuse—that is, one the stranger wouldn’t be able to tell was an excuse—and galloped her way back home. The stranger looked at me quizzically, his eyes again not meeting mine, and wondered aloud why she had to get home in time to get out of the rain. It wasn’t as if there was any scheduled.

So he WAS getting smarter.

This aspect, this infinitesimal (and in retrospect insufficient) personal growth of his had led me to the idea that he could be taught to behave himself and become a better pony. I could tell you I was wrong, but you probably figured it out yourself a few sentences ago.

So I agreed to help train him how to act towards others. The first lesson I tried to teach him was the act of humility. He balked at this at first, saying he had been humiliated quite enough, thank you. I then had to explain to him what humility was, and wondered if I should have given him basic thought lessons as well.

He seemed to think over this whole humility angle, as if it were some kind of foreign culture he’d never heard of. He asked me if being humble was an attractive behavior to mares. I answered, “Yes, of course. Mares like a guy who can admit when he’s wrong.”

Then it hit me. He was only in this because he wanted to appear attractive to females. The uninitiated would think that horniness is a sufficient motivator for attempts at self-improvement, but there’s enough evidence to soundly thrash that theory. One should only improve him- or herself for the sake of genuinely desiring to blossom into something better than they are, not to impress others.

Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle. Roll credits.

Anyway, by the time I realized his aspirations would jeopardize any attempt to civilize him, it was too late. He got it into his head that mares enjoyed the company of humble males—not taking into account things like good personal hygiene, making eye contact, and not mentioning what you like to do with your private parts.

So away he went, to make a fool of himself. I have no idea why I did what I did next—perhaps it was the guilt that I had just started an avalanche—but I thought best to follow him. Before I could, however, he became a ghost in a crowd, dissolving into an alley and disappearing.

What had I unleashed.

It wouldn’t be until the next day that I would find him.

I was with Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy at this time, on our way to the library from Fluttershy’s house. (We were going to set up our Saturday board game hour, you see.) Rainbow Dash noticed him first, and snickered. I looked at her as her snicker grew into the wild laughter of a mad-mare.

When Fluttershy and I asked why she was laughing, she pointed behind us. There he was, the stranger, sitting near a table outside Sugarcube Corner. On the table was a sign and an artbook. I could already guess what it was he was drawing, and didn’t care to venture witnessing it. On the sign was an interesting slogan.

“LONELY VIRGIN, VERY HUMBLE, ONLY ASKING FOR THE RIGHT GIRL

MUST BE 18 TO MY AGE (30) TO QUALIFY”

I suppressed a laugh by snorting, while Fluttershy covered her mouth in bafflement. Rainbow Dash continued her cackling, saying “What, does he think this is some kind of job offer or something? How much is he paying?” At this, we all began to laugh until tears rolled down our faces.

The LONELY VIRGIN looked toward us, having heard our roaring guffaws. We tried to calm ourselves down—only for Fluttershy to say, “Think I might get an interview?” To which we all exploded again. It was so unlike Fluttershy to say something like that, and I assume Rainbow Dash was merely rubbing off on her. Might not be such a good thing, now that I think about it.

The stranger seemed to not notice that we were laughing at his ridiculous sign, or if he did, he responded rather nonchalantly. Waiting there only attracted worried stares from others walking by, while some (mostly local teenagers) pointed at him and laughed.

After we finally regained control of ourselves, I decided it was time to explain how this, too, was unacceptable public behavior. Sniffing away my tears of laughter, I walked over to him, getting his attention. I asked him if I could have a seat, to which he replied, “Yes.”

Thinking over what I could say was a little more difficult to do than I had previously thought. I looked over to Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy only to see them grinning, as if they thought I was honestly going to take him up on his offer. Finally, I chose to simply get to my point and ask the question on everypony's minds.

“Chris, what the hell were you thinking?”

The stranger stared at me, blinked once, then looked as though he was thinking over his answer. Rainbow Dash had ducked her head, suppressing another fit of laughter from my question’s delivery. Fluttershy merely looked away, grinning even more. After a second or two of this awkward silence, he asked me what I thought he was doing.

I told him he was in a public place, with a sign advertising the fact that he’s a virgin. Which, by the by, is not at all something somepony should casually drop, especially not on a sign. I explained to him that relationships take a lot of effort in order to work, that love works on its own time… and in the middle of all this, I had a sudden epiphany.

I was sitting there, talking to somepony I had already known to never heed anything I say, trying to explain to him a concept he’d never grasp, and I was being completely serious. I immediately clammed up. I gave up, right on the spot, and decided to leave.

As I did, I saw Derpy Hooves coming towards the two of us, a big smile on her face. Another resident of Ponyville I don’t think you’ve met yet, Derpy Hooves is probably the sweetest and most innocent creature you’ll ever meet. She’s clumsy, but it’s her big heart and bigger smile that tends to win ponies in her favor. In fact, I like to think, now, that she was everything our stranger had the potential of being had he merely applied himself.

But the first thing the stranger did upon seeing Derpy come by was taking note of her appearance: her endearing silly-sounding voice and twisty-eyes seemed to agitate him somehow.

“G’morning, Twilight! Whatcha doin’?”

I smiled and explained that I was just going to gather my friends for an afternoon of board-gaming. She smiled and said it sounded like fun, then looked at the stranger. “Hey, you’re the pony I keep hearin’ about, aren’t you?”

Almost cautiously did our stranger nod. It almost seemed as though he thought she was going to bite him. I was glad Derpy didn’t notice—or if she did, she wouldn’t let it get to her. I like to think Derpy assumed he was being shy.

That’s when Derpy looked at his sign. When she asked him what all this was about, I immediately wished she hadn’t, since the stranger was likely to take advantage of somepony as innocent as Derpy. Instead of what I expected, the stranger’s answer was even more offensive.

“S-Sorry, I dun take ponies a’yer persuasion.”

Derpy cocked her head at this, and I admit at first I didn’t really know what he meant either. She asked him what he meant by “her persuasion”, to which he replied, and I quote:

“I dun date mentally-retarded ponies.”

The color drained from Derpy’s face. She has a bit of a learning disability, and had been bullied since she was a foal for it along with her googly eyes. To be honest, she was probably lucky the stranger would never hassle her for a date (Unless he became so desperate for nookie he expanded his current standards), but Derpy later told me she thought he meant he wouldn’t be her friend. I should have known Derpy wouldn’t have automatically assumed he meant romance.

Either way, Derpy’s feelings were obviously hurt, not that the stranger noticed or cared. My mouth dropped and my eyes bulged in an angry portrait of horror when he further expanded his point. “Ponies like you ah like lookin’ inna-a window ta hell. Mates me uncomf’table.”

Once again was my self-control tested. How I so wanted to pick him up in my telekinetic grip, twist his fat, clown head until his brains finally got their share of oxygen! Derpy looked downcast, trying to hide the fact that she was about to cry. “I-I’m sorry,” she said, weakly. “I din’t mean t’make you mad an’ hurt yer feelings.”

I wanted to explode. HIS feelings?! What about HERS?! I glared at the stranger, this most unlikeable and repugnant creature before me now, and wanted to strike him. No magic, no telekinesis, as I was too angry to concentrate even on something that simple. Suddenly, Fluttershy had come near.

“EXCUSE me?!” she growled. “Just who do you THINK YOU ARE?!”

Oh here it came. Fluttershy’s prized and infamous Stare. It was enough to send a dragon fleeing back to his cave, to undo a Cockatrice’s curse, and make any disobedient foal behave. You bet it made the stranger shrink in his seat.

“Who do you think you are?” she repeated, at a lower volume this time. It was too late, though; many passerby had stopped to watch. It wasn’t every day timid little Fluttershy blew up at somepony. “What gives you the right to judge Derpy? Don’t you think she gets enough crap from other ignorant ponies who think she’s less of a pony for being different?!” (I must admit I’ve never heard Fluttershy say the word “crap” before. It wasn’t nearly as funny as I thought it might sound.)

At this point, Fluttershy had forced the stranger off his chair, and he was backing away, as if daring an escape. Fluttershy seemed to catch this too and she herded him around the patio, not giving him a moment’s peace; unloading a lecture on accepting ponies for who they are and not what one wants them to be. “For somepony who admits to being lonely, I’d have thought you’d understand how she feels! But you…!” Fluttershy’s face began to become red with rage.

“You!” she growled. At that point, I’d honestly thought she was going to attack him—and evidently, the stranger did too. A strong odor of dung began to cling to the air, and I apparently was not the only pony to notice. Fluttershy grimaced at the smell, and looking at the stranger, she saw…

… Do I really want to tell you what she saw? This story wouldn’t be complete without it, so I guess I’ll compromise and leave an implication: one of the ponies gathered around (a foal) pointed and cried, “Mama! That guy just pottied!”

As Fluttershy's anger grew, I noticed the temperature in the area dropping. At first I thought it was just me, but I noticed Rainbow Dash shudder; not from the sight of Fluttershy angry, but from the same cold I felt. Several other ponies began to shift slightly, uncomfortable with the sight of Fluttershy's outbursts, uncomfortable with the stranger's uncalled-for comments, and uncomfortable with the falling temperature.

Fluttershy looked at the stranger in horror as he shrunk away. If he shrunk any more, I thought, he’d become microscopic. For a few seconds, Fluttershy fumbled for words. Finally, she said “You! You’re a SLUG! Look at you! You’re absolutely DISGUSTING! How you think ANYPONY could EVER even WANT to be NEAR you is beyond me! You judge everypony else, and ignore your own problems! How are you supposed to IMPROVE with an attitude like yours?! WHAT IS YOUR MALFUNCTION?!”

She then did something I had never seen her do before. She punched the stranger. Full-on. Straight to the face, knocking him down. Suddenly, Fluttershy backed away, horrified that she’d gone too far, lost control again. She ran from the patio, tears in her eyes. Rainbow Dash decided to follow her (she’d need the consoling, for certain).

In most normal cases, somepony would have immediately called for an emergency, or at least helped the harmed to a more-comfortable position. But it seemed like time was moving much more slowly in the aftermath to all this, nopony really sure what to do. I assume nopony present really wanted to help the stranger, perhaps as punishment for hurting Derpy the way he did. There he lay, his excrement now splattering the concrete of the patio, lying in a crumpled heap.

Suddenly, who should move forward and help the stranger to his feet… but Derpy. “Looks like Fluttershy got you good, huh, mister?” she asked. He wobbled a bit, Derpy catching him before he fell. She nearly buckled under his girth, but managed to get him back up to standing. His right eye had swollen shut, and it looked like he was once again fighting the urge to cry.

Nopony said anything. I went over to Derpy and the stranger, drinking in this sight. Even after he had acted so thoughtlessly and hurt her feelings, Derpy was not about to hold a grudge. She looked up at me and smiled as if what had just happened was just a little misunderstanding. I wanted, right at that moment, to hold Derpy; wondering if by holding her, I might absorb some of her innocence.

As for the stranger, the crowd parted as he wobbled away, his stupid sign and artbook forgotten, not saying a word to anypony, his day totally in ruins. I looked at the items he’d left behind, wondering if I should bring them back to him. I had wanted to punish him somehow, for some time now, and decided confiscating his belongings was as good a punishment as any.

These items would later be put into the same file as Lyra’s findings and my notes from the other day. I looked at the manila envelope, and for the strangest reason, I felt it was looking back at me, as though it were some ancient container of evil sorcery.

I had to get to the bottom of this. Just what WAS our stranger, and what was he doing here? The damage he’d already done to my friends and neighbors was beginning to mount up. He’d be shunned and totally unhappy here if he decided to still stay after what had transpired in front of Sugarcube Corner. Something needed to happen, something needed to be done.

I opened the manila envelope, taking out the items I had already placed in it, along with Lyra’s notebook. It was time to really investigate now, before things began to get worse than they already were. My board game afternoon completely forgotten, I poured myself some coffee and sat down.

It was about time I got to work.

Next Chapter: 5. It All Starts Coming Together Estimated time remaining: 4 Hours, 56 Minutes