Chapter 4: Crystal Coated Goodies
"When it was all over I never wanted another mission again."

“Light?” Lasso’s deep voice echoed into my ears. They were swiveled towards the others while I rested on the back of an empty wagon, my head sitting on a folded up stable barding. The number had been removed and replaced with a patch reminiscent of an old wartime unit marking. Except I don’t remember any units numbering four ‘A’ with a flaming hammer in the center. When I had asked about it, the purple asshole merely said, ‘some crazy fucker owned it’.

“No,” Willow’s voice replied to Lasso, pulling my attention away from the old and long dead army.

I sighed deeply and pulled my forehooves close to my chest. The bright deep blue canopy above the buildings forced me to squint or have my eyes tear up. A few white tendrils floated about quite some distance up, reminding me of the Goddess in a way. Each bump the cart hit was like being jostled around inside a vertibuck that hit some bad air. My body was too busy yelling at my brain that I was missing wings to care much about the pain stabbing at my cheeks.

I watched as a syringe floated over in a deep jade green glow to match my horn. It slowly floated down towards my foreleg. “Lily!” Willow exclaimed, barely suppressing a giggle. The needle was gently shoved into my leg and I pressed down on the end of it.

“What?” Lasso nearly shouted. I looked over to see him looking at me with his head tilted, his forehoof pointing in my direction. “But… but that’s not…?” He blinked and looked at Willow. The two of them were sitting in the driver’s seat of the carriage as a pair of ponies pulled it forward.

“It is too in the rules.” the blue alicorn smiled. “I can say I spy anything I want.”!" Her smile turned into a devious smirk just before she punched Lasso's shoulder. He shook his head and pulled his hat off, sticking it on her horn like an ornament. Willow looked up at the hat and tilted her head.

"My turn," Lasso added. I went back to staring up at the sky and waited for te Med-X's effects to take hold.

But then I heard Willow giggle. My ears turned in her direction as she said, "Nuh-uh! It's Lilium's turn."

"But she ain't even playing!" Lasso retorted. Slowly, I turned my head towards them a second time. They were both looking at me, Willow was smiling while Lasso's face looked mildly annoyed.

"What is the game?" I asked quietly, tossing the needle into the nearby ruins. The buildings were not as tall as they were yesterday, or even earlier at New Baltimare, which is quite a dumb name. Why must everything be 'New'? Why not something else?

"I Spy," Willow said, pulling her wing around herself and hugging it. "It's a game my family has played for generations to relieve boredom. The rules are as follows..."

"I know the rules," I tried to interrupt her, which worked because she closed her mouth and tilted her head. "You pick anything and have the others guess."

"See!" Willow looked at Lasso and plopped his hat back into his head. "Told you."

He grumbled something to himself as he readjusted the head cover. "Alright, fine. It's Lilium's turn then."

I nodded. "I spy with my little eye, something very old and blue. Something much older than me," I said, smiling because they'd never guess it.

Willow tapped her chin in thought, slowly looking und the area. at all the ruins around us. Her brows moved closer together as her lips went from a smile to a small frown. Lasso took a quick look around the area as well before his gaze fell upon Willow. He clapped his hooves together and pointed at her. “Willow!” he exclaimed, quickly drawing her attention to him.

“Huh?” she tilted her head. “Me? Oh!” Her eyes widened in surprise. “I get it! I’m blue and old. Wait...” the alicorn blinked a few times. “I’m not older than you?”

I rolled my eyes and pointed up. “It’s the sky.”

The two of them slowly looked up at the bright blue sky. Lasso’s smile turned into a frown. "Huh. Well, it is blue, but it's new."

"Old," I corrected him, slowly rolling over to face them. I could see familiar buildings approaching. Those markers near Alicorn Town I burned into memory so as to always remember where I was in the city. The workers seemed to be pulling the cart over the rough terrain with ease. They didn't complain, which was natural. A slave that complains is a slave without a tongue.

Lasso shook his head. "No, the blue sky is new. Ain't been there much more than a few years at the most. Only been grey as long as I remember it."

"I'm surrounded by morons," I grumbled under my breath. I facehoofed and tried to not groan, but it did not work and I let out a quiet one. "How... How can you run a caravan if you have no idea the sky was covered with clouds?!"

His horn glowed brightly. I tensed up, lowering my horn in preparation for charging the whelp. Willow quickly hugged Lasso tightly and rested her head on his, the tips of their horns touching. The purple alicorn stopped what he was doing, the glow quickly fading away from his magical appendage as he looked at Willow. "Willow," he said softly. "I know ya find her an interesting pony, but I can't let her insult my intelligence."

"But it's okay," she said, a smile quickly forming across her lips. "She's just grumpy from being changed." She looked at me and tilted her head. "Right?"

"Yeah." I nodded slowly.

"See?" Willow looked at Lasso and smiled. He leaned back a bit and scratched the side of his muzzle, his eyes slowly narrowing as if he were thinking deeply about something.

I looked down at my 'pillow' barding and tried to fluff it up as best I could. Clockwork refused to let me search New Baltimare for my equipment and forced me to to scavenge the caravan's crates for anything I could use. The only thing that fit me was the blue and yellow barding. Much to my dismay there were no weapons or Pipbucks.

I could feel my cheeks heat up slightly as the stabbing pain dulled a little, causing me to smile and shut my eyes. The Med-X finally kicked in, which meant my bones would soon be free of pain for a few hours.

"Willow." Lasso's deep voice drew the attention of my ears. They turned towards his direction to see what he would say.

Willow merely hummed in reply. "Hm?"

"What say you about me making Lilium my second wife?" he asked nonchalantly. My eyes instantly snapped open as wide as they could go, my ears turning back slightly. Willow was looking directly at me, but the purple ass was looking at her, a smirk firmly plastered on his face. "You two get along well enough."

"Well..." Willow slowly stood up and took a step towards me. "You'd have to ask her."

"No!" I shouted as loud as I could and quickly picked up the bundle of stable barding, hugging it tightly. "I am not now, nor would I ever be your 'wife'," I growled, nearly snarling at him. "I signed on as a cook, a. Cook! Not wife, you... You purple shitbag!"

"Look at your face!" He threw his head back and let out a deep laugh.

Willow turned to face him and frowned. "Lasso, that's not funny. I too thought you were serious."

"No." He shook his head, chuckling a little. Lasso sat up and stretched his good wing out before folding it again. "I am not serious." Somehow, his tone made it seem the opposite. He looked toward the front of the caravan and waved a hoof. "Well, your contract is up. Alicorn Town dead ahead."

"Finally," I grumbled. "Longest five days in the history of Equestria."

*** ***

Alicorn Town was almost the same as it had been when I left. Though the tents and walls looked a little dirtier than I remembered. The diner in the center of the shanty town was different. A small section of the roof and wall appeared to have been hit by a blast of something capable of melting stone. It was warped, buckled and drooping toward the ground.

One purple alicorn stood near the warped section. Her horn glowed brightly, an equally bright glow trying to surround the section of wall. I was unsure of what she was doing, but assumed her to be fixing it somehow. Sitting not far from her was a blue alicorn. He wore slightly reflective grey barding, indicating it might be layered metal plates. Even his helmet reflected the light. Yet the stallion seemed unphased by the attention magnet.

The caravan slowly made its way through the town toward the exit. I sat on the hard, annoying, dirt ground and sighed deeply. Sitting on the back of the last wagon was Clockwork. The green alicorn sat facing me. She waved a little bit, so I waved back, but made no attempt to yell a good bye.

All of my equipment was gone. My journal was gone, possibly being used as toilet paper by some illiterate wastelander. My guns, even the black revolver was stolen. My favorite possession, the Twilight statuette, was nowhere to be seen. It was possible that Lasso had it, but I did not feel like asking.

I was reduced to wearing the stable barding I had managed to convince them I needed. The fit was quite loose, being designed for a larger stallion, which meant that it might get in the way if I have to move around quickly. The only other items I owned from the trip were two Med-X needles and a hoof full of caps.

"Shock?" a stallion's voice floated on the air, pulling my mind from the thought of items and ponies close to me. I still had some weapons stashed nearby, so I would be okay. "Shock?" Dead Hoof called out again as the blue stallion stepped out from a pair of tents.

He quickly looked to his right, then to his left where I sat. Our gaze connected and we stared at each other. I smiled at him after a moment, but the moron stepped into the road and turned around. "Shell Shock?!" he shouted loudly. "Where are you?"

"Right here, Dead Hoof," I huffed, rolling my eyes. He turned to face me and frowned. I quickly stood up and turned to show him my cutie mark, wiggling my flank a bit. "See? Who else has such a mundane cutie mark?"

"Stable ponies," he replied nodding his horn towards me. "You look like one with that suit."

"Well I'm not. I'm Shell Shock, Dog, Lilium, take your pick. Or do I have to kick your dick in to get the point across?"

He stared at me, an eyebrow raised up and his head tilted slightly. "Shock?"

"Dickhead?"

"Shock?" He tilted his head the other way.

"What the fuck do you want?!" I shouted, stomping my hoof into the ground and shaking my head. "Do you want me to tell you how I found you as a piss-poor wannabe pirate mare? How about the time you saved a wounded pegasus and the Enclave decided to be assholes and took her from you?"

"Shock!" he exclaimed as recognition finally dawned on his face and his wings unfolded partly. Dead Hoof walked toward me, but I took a step back. He quickly closed the gap and pulled me into a hug so tight I could swear I heard my fragile normal bones cracking under the pressure. As it was his forelegs constricted my chest, making it hard for me to inhale and exhale.

I tried to push away, yet the blue forelegs of death held fast. That was when he did something that was not even on my mind. Dead Hoof leaned his head down and his warm lips pressed against mine. He pushed against my lips as my eyes widened in complete shock. I relaxed and decided to let the kiss happen, even though I should blast him in the face with magic if he did not let go of the hug. The pressure squeezing my back lessened to the point where I could breathe. As I inhaled a breath of air, I felt his slobber filled tongue press against my lips and head inside my mouth. I tried to avoid it, but then I had an idea.

He pushed his tongue in further. I quickly bit down on the tongue and grinned, but not hard enough to make it bleed. Just hard enough that it'd stay put. Dead Hoof's eyes widened. He fully let go of the hug and stared into my eyes. His deep blue eyes held my tan reflection, but I could see the hint of fear deep down inside them. Dead Hoof was afraid I'd bite down fully and take his tongue off.

Ever so slowly, I opened my mouth and stepped back, wiping the drool off my lips and spitting off to the side. "Ask a pony before you shove your tongue in their mouth. Goddess knows what shit you've been licking."

He gulped. Then wiped his mouth off with a wing and looked off to the side. "You never complained before. Always asking for more."

My eyes widened slightly, ears turning back for the faintest of seconds before they turned to face him. I lowered my head, aiming my horn as it glowed brightly. "You! That's private information!" I shouted and charged at him.

He jumped in the air, his wings giving off a huge gust of wind that kicked up loose dirt. I slid to a stop inside the dust cloud and jumped, waving my forehoof at him. I missed by a longshot.

"Not fair!" I shouted, falling back down to the ground and collapsing onto my side. It was not a hard landing, but perhaps the blue would think it was if I acted hurt. I started to stand up, my forelegs shaking visibly before I dropped to the ground again.

Dead hoof landed softly just out of stabbing range and folded his wings against his side. A smirk was firmly plastered on his face and would have been knocked off had I not been laying on the ground. He turned towards the exit the caravan had taken and sighed. "Well now we're even," he said, his tail swishing back and forth like a dog wagging its tail.

"Even how?" I stood up and gave each leg a test shake to make sure nothing was actually broken or injured.

He looked at me and smiled. "You said something personal, and I said something personal. We're even. What happened to you? You're... different than what I expected."

I looked towards the purple alicorn at the diner. She had moved to the roof and had her horn aimed at her hooves. A strong glow surrounded both the rooftop around her and her horn. The blue in plate armor was walking around like a town guard, but was mumbling quietly to himself.

"Not here," I said quietly. "Too many observers."

Dead Hoof nodded and began walking off. "Come on. Let me show you a place I found. It's got all the comforts of home."

My eyes widened slightly, my cheeks turning to ice as a cold sweat began to form on my brows. Did he find my stash? I thought to myself.

*** ***

The blue alicorn walked through a brick-lined corridor. A damp musky smell drifted upward off the dirt covering the floor. Old incandescent lights hung from the ceiling not far above us, illuminating various spots and highlighting the grime. A thick wire ran from each light toward a doorway at the end of the hall. We passed by a large, long dead, skeleton clutching a briefcase.

I stopped and looked at the bones. The extra set of limbs told me they belonged to a pegasus at one time. A rusty clasp and chain ran from the skeleton's foreleg to the dirt encrusted briefcase.

I stood there wondering how long he, or she, had been laying in that spot. The briefcase appeared to be shut tight, locks still firmly clamped shut. Curiosity got the better of me and I leaned down to get a closer look.

"Hey." Dead Hoof's voice pulled me away from the skeleton before I could reach the briefcase. The alicorn had turned around to face me, his head tilted slightly. "I've been meaning to get rid of that, but I keep forgetting."

A small frown crossed my face. I turned my head to look at the briefcase again and sighed. "I want the briefcase. Do what you want with the bones. Hell, make his skull into a helmet for all I care."

"That's kind of creepy," the alicorn replied a bit hesitantly.

"That's the point." My magic reached for the briefcase and pulled hard, causing the skeleton to collapse into a pile of useless bones. "I'd wear it. He doesn't need his skull anymore."

Dead hoof opened his mouth, lifted his hoof off the ground, but set it down again as he shut his mouth. He looked down at the pile of bones while I shook the briefcase and placed an ear against it when something rattled around. "Come on," Dead Hoof said quietly. "We're almost home."

I looked at him, smiling a bit at my prize, whatever it was. His mane was still dyed differently, but his face looked odd. It was like there was disappointment in his eyes and not the happiness his smile showed. His wing feathers looked slightly ragged like he rarely took care of them. Even his coat was matted in places and splashes of dirt covered it.

My gaze wandered towards his cutie mark. And then down the smooth curve of his backside to his barrel where my gaze stayed. Dead Hoof's short tail flicked towards me, causing me to blink a couple of times and move my eyes to his face. "Sorry. What were we talking about?" I asked.

"Nothing." He smiled even more, shaking his head a few times. I placed the briefcase on my back and followed Dead Hoof as he headed toward the end of the hallway.

My hooves crunched dirt as I quickly followed Dead Hoof to the door. It was a normal everyday, wood, door. The kind you could easily buck down when a wastelander thinks it’s safe because it’s locked. Somepony, possibly Dead Hoof himself, had cut a hole in the corner of the door for the wire to run through.

As the door opened, I tilted my head at the sight of the room. It was furnished rather poorly. A single bed, the exact same cot from the tent, sat in one corner. Next to it was the chest of items Dead hoof owned. Another chest was next to that. While the desk I remembered using was shoved against the far wall.

I stepped inside, my hooves sinking into the old dirty carpet. As I turned around slowly, I looked at the walls, noticing he had moved Hyde and stuck him on the wall. Lamps hung down from the ceiling. The wires running from them to a small mass of metal I assumed to be a spark generator.

"So what's this about?" Dead Hoof mused as he shut the door and locked it. "You aren't what I was expecting."

The briefcase was tossed to the side with magic. I backed away from him so he could come into the room's center. "I was changed and I suspect that merchant mule to be the culprit."

"Oh?" Dead Hoof tilted his head, a small smirk crossed his face. I tilted my own head in response. "Changed how?"

He could not be that blind. I stood there staring at him, my head tilted and my brain thinking of blasting him in his useless eyes. However, I took a long slow breath and let it out. "You're a moron," I mumbled.

He rolled his eyes and quickly turned around, his tail lifting up and to the side to give me a full unobstructed view. Dead Hoof turned his head slightly so he could look back at me. His smirk never leaving his face as he lowered his chest toward the ground, so his hind quarters could stick high up in the air.

My mouth began watering slightly at the sight of him, but I quickly shook my head and facehoofed to block it out. "What are you doing? I'm not going to mount you."

"Why not?" He asked, his voice sounding a little disappointed.

"I'm not a stallion," I muttered loud enough for him to hear it.

"Never stopped you before," he replied. My cheeks heated up slightly as I looked toward my box of items for a split second. "It's your turn anyway."

My hoof slammed into the floor, causing him to flinch. "Can't you let me think clearly for a minute?! That alcohol you gave..." My eyes widened slightly.

"What about it?" He tilted his head, still in the familiar position. Dead Hoof wiggled his flank a bit to get my attention. "I think that toy's still in your chest of junk. Why not grab it?"

"What does Killing Joke do to alicorns again...?" I asked myself as my hind legs gave out, forcing me to sit down. I tried to sit up straight but the world felt like it was tilting left and right, and forward and backward.

I was staring at the result. It was so obvious, but the question was why. Why would a mule want to trick an alicorn mare into becoming a stallion? Why did it not work on me?

"Shock?" Dead Hoof's voice floated into, and out of, my ears, but I just sat there staring at his balls. My eyes were wide and my mouth was slightly agape. "Look, if you want I'll start." He stood up and turned around to face me, his tail going back down but his wings were spread slightly from his body.

"What?" I blinked, quickly shaking my head and facehoofing again. "Dead Hoof. I need to think. I have to find that mule. There has to be a cure for what he did to me. Now is not the time for this. I did not come here to have you screw me! I want to know why he targeted me!"

He looked down, his hoof circling a spot on the ground as he leaned to the other side slightly. "Well, um... I can answer that."

"How?" I wanted to stand up, but my hind legs did not want to move. Neither would my forelegs. All I could do was sit there and hope I would be able to move soon.

"I," Dead Hoof sighed. He took a breath and shut his eyes. "I... Uh, I..." He looked away from me and pulled his wings tight against his body, keeping his eyes shut. "I wanted you to see what being a stallion was like."

I stared at him, my head tilted almost ninety degrees like a bird might. A giggle quickly rose up and burst forth in a full on laugh as I leaned back and stamped a hoof into the ground. "That's so stupid! You wanted me to be a stallion..." My laugh stopped as my eyes widened again. "What? You're telling me. That you gave me a drink knowing it was killing joke?"

He nodded. "Yeah. I thought you'd be happier as a stallion."

"You fucking moron!" I shouted, jumping to my hooves and pointing my left hoof at him, eyes narrowing to fine slits. "Moron! Moron! Moron!" I stomped it into the ground with enough force to crack wood, which there was not any. The blow reverberated through my hoof and into my shoulder, but I ignored it. "That drink could have killed me!"

He quickly shook his head and looked at me, his wings fully out as he took a few steps back. "Now, Shock, let m-me explain!"

"Explain what?" I hissed, walking forward to keep up with him. He was not far from the wall and would run into it soon. When he does... My horn will be shoved through his chest!

"Explain how you wanted my non-existent cock? How you hid this fact from me? How you thought it'd be a good idea to have me drink a potion that could kill me? I nearly died drinking that shit!" His flank bumped into the wall, yet he continued to try backing up even more until I was right on top of him and looking up into his eyes. "Answer me or I'll chop your dick off!"

"He said the potion was harmless! The effects were temporary, a day at the most! I... I... I wanted you to drink it here and see!"

"See what?" I turned my head to the side and stood up to glare into his eyes at the same level. "I want a family. Do you hear me? I'm a mare. I was born a mare. I'm over two hundred years old and I've never had a foal, you fuckwad! Why do you think I even have sex with you? I don't give a damn about you. I just want. One. Thing."

He nodded so fast I thought his head would fall off his neck. I dropped to the ground and stepped far enough back that he could relax slightly. Dead Hoof chose to stay pressed against the wall, his mouth trembling like he was trying and failing to speak. My forelegs were shaking badly and I could feel my temples throbbing with each rapid beat of my heart.

I looked to the closed door. Taking a deep breath, I held it for a moment and slowly let it out. "Does this look temporary to you," I said, my voice quivering in anger with each word. "I have been like this for five days. Five days. My bones hurt, my face hurts, and I nearly died of radiation poisoning."

"Shock, I..." Dead Hoof squeaked. "I... I didn't-"

"Five fucking days!" I shouted in his face. "This is not temporary. The potion was permanent!"

"I sold some things?" he whimpered, slowly shrinking into a ball. "Split the profit... Bought this room for us?"

"And you thought the stallion potion was a good idea?" He nodded. "Why?"

"Well, you..." He shrugged. "You keep complaining about the strap-on falling off."

I facehoofed, feeling a small smirk crossing my face. "Was that the real reason? You sure I shouldn't find you a green stallion, that isn't me?"

"I thought you didn't like me?"

"I don't know," I sniffled and rubbed my nose. "You keep me on a leash. How can I like the pony that makes me follow rules like a dog? I take orders from others, yes. But I get paid for that. Here..." I waved a hoof around, feeling and hearing a loud pop at the shoulder. "Here I am a prisoner with benefits." Turning to face him, I took a deep breath and stood up on my hind legs, leaning forward and kissing his lips lightly. He froze up, eyes wide slightly. "But perhaps our feelings have become muddled. I think you are confused by the sex and I am confused by my desires. What if we took a break?"

"B-break?" He sputtered and blinked. "Like what?"

I stepped back and motioned him closer. "I need to find the mule. Where is he?"

"I don't know. He's a travelling pony, but his route has a pattern. I have it written down somewhere. May I move to get it?"

I nodded. He went over to his footlocker, his wings pulled firmly against his side but I could see the shaking in his legs with every step. "A-so, um..." he stumbled over his own words like a colt seeing a mare for the first time. I tilted my head. He opened the box and started digging through it. "I take it you did not miss me."

But, to be sure it was not a trick, I pulled Hyde off the wall and began checking him over. The weapon was as I remembered it, a puny chainsaw dagger about the size of my current horn. The Hellhound teeth looked as sharp as ever and a quick test with my hoof proved it to be true. I started to suck on the blood coming out of my hoof while I watched Dead Hoof.

He had a small black booklet in his magic. "Shock?"

"Hm?" I tilted my head, keeping my hoof in my mouth.

He looked at me, his ears back slightly. "Did you do this with Mudpie? String her along with sex and break her heart?"

I shook my head, floating Hyde up and aiming it at him. "No. And if you ever suggest that again..." I gave the trigger a light squeeze. The weapon did not do anything in response. I frowned and slapped the side, testing the trigger again to no avail. "What?"

"I used the gem in my generator." He nodded toward the annoying object. "Here. The mule has five stops in Baltimare. One every other week."

"And where will he be next?" I walked over to the bed, Hyrde dragging along the ground behind me. No doubt leaving scrape marks, but who cares?

Dead Hoof mumbled something quiet, something I could not really hear. Hyde was floated up and stabbed into the briefcase. The blades cut through quite easily and it was no problem pulling it open like a can of beans. Inside were useless papers and a round glass orb about the size of my hoof. It was murky and an opaque black like the night. My eyes widened slightly at the sight of the orb. I was about to grab it with magic when I remembered a tactic used by The Destroyer. That little grey shit had forcibly shoved a memory orb on one of my sisters to distract her long enough to blow the alicorn's brains out.

I gulped down my fear and reached into the briefcase with my hoof, slowly scooping the orb out. "Dead Hoof," I said quietly, tilting my head as I stared at the orb. "Do you remember The Destroyer and memory orbs?"

"Yeah. Is that a memory orb?"

I nodded. "A memory orb in a hoof cuffed briefcase..." Looking over at him revealed the blue to be looking at me with his head tilted. "Top secret perhaps?"

"Doesn't matter anymore." He shrugged. "Let's see it."

"No!" I pulled it back and cradled it close to my chest. "It could be a trap. Let me look over the paperwork first."

He groaned in reply and looked down, again mumbling something I could not make out.

*** ***

Dead Hoof's weight was pressing me into the cot. Based off what I remember, it seemed like he gained a few pounds. His chest was quite warm, as was the underside of his chin as it rested on my mane. The cot was as uncomfortable as I remembered it. Its old fabric needing to be replaced soon. His unsupported heavy weight had the annoying side effect of making any normal breathing difficult at best. Spread out before us were pages of the document, some floating in Dead Hoof's magic and some floating in mine.

My magical aura flipped the top secret stamped cover letter over. Oddly enough it had both the Ministry of Morale, and Ministry of Awesome seals underneath the lettering. "Dead hoof." My voice was quiet as the blue was right there near my mouth.

"Yeah?" His voice echoed into my ears at normal volume.

"You're fat and it's constricting my chest."

"Liar," he replied plainly. "An alicorn can't get fat."

I leaned sideways and bucked my hips into his stomach. He made a groaning noise and slid off onto the bed next to me. The sudden weight loss was great, like I could be free. I inhaled deeply and smiled. "Much better."

"I don't get these papers," he grumbled. Most likely upset about losing a favorable position for him. The blue alicorn righted himself and scooted close enough that our sides touched. His feathery wing wrapped around my body and pulled me even closer. Each feather was like being touched by a tiny hoof made of the softest fabric imaginable.

I smiled even more, nuzzling the feathers and giggling. "They're so soft and cuddly."

"Look at this. They're talking about something called pop rocks. What's that?"

"Pop rocks?" I blinked a couple times, my eyes narrowing a bit as my brows moved closer together. The name was familiar and rang a quiet bell inside my head. When I found it, I nodded slowly. "It's candy made by a company called..." I looked up at the wooden ceiling and drew a blank. "I don't remember. They didn't last long before the plant shut down, I think. Their slogan was ‘crystal coated goodies in a bag’."

"I never heard of pop rock candy. What are they?"

"Small crystallized rock candy that pops in your mouth. I remember reading a news article about a foal dying because he ate a bag and drank a whole sparkle-cola right after on a dare. His stomach exploded."

"Might be why they shut down."

I went back to looking at my paperwork in front of me. It was rather mundane, like Dead Hoof said. So I read it out loud to annoy him:

Enclosed within these documents is my observation of the various Pop Rocks in Equestria. The newest batch has integrated in our society as expected and are ready for subtle nudging toward the betterment of Equestria. I have observed some of the initial batch still floating around and they are acting as expected. There are no discernible side effects from the procedure aside from one batch I heard about. However, it is with my heartfelt regret that this batch of candy rocks have not been sent back to Equestria for evaluation in nearly seven months. I only have the word of another to go on at this time and will make it a priority to inspect the ‘flawed’ batch to see what went wrong.

It is my finding that this corrupt batch is a fluke and I recommend production to be increased two-fold.

Signed,
Inspector Long Dead Shithead of the Long Dead Equestrian Army.

P.S. The passcode for the memory orb is the header for this message.

I looked at Dead Hoof and rolled my eyes at his head tilt. "What? His name doesn't matter anymore. It's not like he can come in the room and haunt me because I called him shithead."

"So this top secret document is talking about candy?" He tilted his head further. I nodded. To which he facehoofed and groaned. "That's stupid!"

"Pinkie Pie took candy very seriously," I said with as straight a face I could. Then leaned close to the blue and nuzzled behind his ear, whispering, "Since we know the passcode, I figure it's up to you."

"What is?" He looked at me as best he could. I lifted my head up, grabbing hold of his ear in my teeth and pulling on it, hard. He shut his eyes and yelled, "Ow! Ow! Ow! Fuck! Shock let go!"

I shook my head and bit down even more, but not enough to actually take his ear off. It was pulled farther, taking the blue's head with it so he'd keep it attached. A strange tingle engulfed my muzzle as a blue glow surrounded both it and his horn. I began feeling my jaw trying to separate on its own, yet I still held my grip as best I could. The battle was slowly being lost against the might of an alicorn, so I relented and opened my mouth.

"Psycho!" he grunted at the same time a wall of blue force slammed into my chest. Before I could brace myself against it, I felt myself shoved toward the edge of the bed and off it.

The floor was hard and stopped my fall as well as I'd expect, the shock of the blow ran through my shoulders and up into my teeth, practically rattling them in place. I rolled onto my back to stare up at the ceiling and said nothing to him.

A psycho. Was that what I was?

Yes, a voice whispered in the back of my mind. You know it's true, I know it's true. I can help you if you'd let me.

I shut my eyes and covered my face. "No," I said quietly to myself. "I don't want to hear it from the peanut gallery."

"Shock," Dead Hoof began with a grumble. "Why do you bite ponies?"

"Because they taste good." I giggled and grinned. "Rub some barbecue sauce onto a thigh, soak it in lemon for a few hours before cooking and spritz some mozzarella onto it. Mmmm, meat."

"Shock!" Dead Hoof snapped loudly.

The sound of his voice hit me like an anvil to the brain. I blinked a few times, noticing only my hooves in front of me. "Wha? What do you want, Dead Hoof?" I lowered them and turned my head to look into his face, which was looking down at me from the cot. He was frowning, eyes narrowed and ears back slightly.

"You were talking about eating ponies again," he replied.

"Oh?" I smiled. "Roll over and I'll show you first hoof how much I can take in."

He rolled his eyes. "No. I'm not trusting you when you talk about eating ponies."

"So that's a no to the memory orb?"

"Yeah. No." He half-laughed without any humor whatsoever. "Not a chance. You think I'm going to go into lala land for Celestia knows how long?" He shook his head over and over. "No. Nope. No way, no how."

"You owe me," I growled, pulling my forehooves close to my chest.

"I owe you?!" his eyes widened. "For what?"

"You turned me into this... this lesser pony. The least you could do is look at a memory orb for me."

"Yes." Dead Hoof nodded, his wings unfolding and folding again. "I did turn you into a unicorn, but we went through that already. I'm going to get you fixed. Don't forget that."

I rolled my eyes. "So? You could have killed me with that drink. You owe me."

"Do you know how many ponies wouldn't put up with your shit? They'd blow your brains out rather than help you! Shock? Why can't you see that I have been at your side for years? I've been here since the island! I've helped you, I saved you from the Steel Rangers! You'd be dead if it wasn't for me. I've had plenty of chances to kill you, but you know what? I don't. I fucking love your company!"

I rolled my eyes."Right."

He continued as if I never even said anything. "I see a mare that could be so much more than she is. You were a gibbering wreck of a pony hell bent on revenge when we met. You couldn't even go more than a day without flashbacks!"

I rolled away from him and stared at the grainy wooden desk. The old wood was rotting like everything else in Equestria. It was perhaps a thing I should do, find a nice building and jump off it. That way I could rot with Equestria.

"You've gotten better with me, haven't you?" he asked, his tone calming down somewhat. I merely nodded and curled up tightly, shutting my eyes to block out the sight of a dying room.

An odd noise like glass hitting wood made my ears turn forward at the same time I opened my eyes. The memory orb bounced off the floor, landed again and rolled into my nose. I silently stared at it without saying anything.

"The passcode is Operation Pop Rocks." Dead Hoof's quiet voice reached my ears as if he was distant.

My reflection stared back at me from the orb. She was green and looked tired, her mane a mess. Then she vanished quickly as she appeared and was replaced by my current face. The face of Lilium, a pony that should have died many, many, years ago. My ears folded back slightly at the thoughts.

I shut my eyes, pushed them aside and tried to think of only the words 'Operation Pop Rocks' as I took hold of the orb in my magic.

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