Hello there, I’m Skin. I’m one of those ponies who has a super-important job to do for Ol’ Mother Horse Celestia that you’ll probably never know about because I work in Tartarus keeping an eye out for evil spirits who manage to slip past Cerberus and out into Equestria proper. I’m not supposed to talk to or be seen by regular ponies anyway because my name is something of a dark joke; I don’t actually have any skin. Ok, technically I do but it’s a very thin and totally transparent layer (except for my eyelids for some reason, those are opaque) that keeps everything in place, so you can totally see my perfect musculature and whatnot. Apparently that freaks non-Tartarus ponies out… Oh, and I can copy your look if I want. All it takes is one lick.

So, being an internal guard of Tartarus isn’t usually that exciting because the seals, soul jars, and cold iron boxes do their job at keeping the evil spirits contained, and Cerberus is usually reliable as a watchdog; we just need to make sure he gets a walk every decade or so. My days usually consist of walking around, taunting the spirits who are allowed to be aware of their situation, and playing dice games. I’m not complaining, but a little excitement every now and then seems to be too much to ask for. I always regret when such wishes get granted. Like the one time it was my turn to walk Cerberus but I put it off because I was too busy cleaning up in the weekly craps game. Three-heads decided to head off on his own, ending up halfway across Equestria, which caused no end of panic in the office. At least the Ol’ MH herself was understanding enough not to fire me. If she can even do that… I was just finishing making up the lost dog posters she told me to make and passing them on to her when some remarkably clear-headed unicorn mare earned herself a gold star for the century by trotting right up to the gates with Cerby right behind her, all six eyes focused on a little rubber ball. At least, that’s what I heard. No skin off my nose, so to speak, if somepony was just pulling my leg with that story. The dog was back and everything was a-ok.

Actually, not so much, as I found out a few days later. I guess the Powers That Be caught on to my disappointment at not getting to go out on a three-headed-dog hunt, because one of bosses, Dark Applejack to be precise, the one who disapproves of my gambling for some reason, broke up my Yahtzee racket, er, game… Anyway, she told me that the Shadow Arachneus had apparently slipped out of its cozy little can and made it out of the gates while Cerberus was gone. She showed me the empty can, not that I doubted her, and told me in no uncertain terms that I was to go out and capture it. I agreed of course, but not without a little hesitancy.

“Why am I only hearing about this now?” I asked, “Shouldn’t we have been hearing about Arachneus stampeding around already if it got out back then?”

“It might be playin’ smart and layin’ low until it thinks we ain’t gonna come after it,” Dark Applejack replied, pressing the can into my chest, “Now git yer hair-and-hideless flank out there an’ catch it before it gets any ideas. And don’t get spotted.”

“Yes ma’am,” I said with a roll of my eyes. I considered giving her a good-bye lick, but the look in her eye made me realize that I value the current location of my liver more than the chance to gross her out and get a temporary disguise in the process. So, with nothing more than the sealing can and my unbeatable sneaking skills to aid me, I sauntered out of Tartarus to go spider hunting.

Now, seeing as the Shadow Arachneus is on the list of spirits locked away in Tartarus, you don’t get any prizes for guessing that it’s a big piece of bad news. It’s a spider composed entirely of shadows and a mind focused only on causing massive property damage and giving everypony a paralyzing case of arachnophobia. Its power is equal to its size, so the can we keep it in is about as big around as my hoof and no more than three inches tall. Not at all a hassle to carry around in one’s mouth for four days straight. Nope. Not like I had anyone to talk to along the way anyhow. I did bump into one pony by accident on the second day, a pretty but skinny blue unicorn with silvery hair and wearing a much-patched purple cape. Poor thing fainted dead away at the sight of me standing there in the flesh, although hunger might’ve played a small role in it by the looks of her visible ribs. Never one to pass up an opportunity to help a lady in need, I dragged her to a clearing I’d passed earlier that was simply filled with succulent-looking blue flowers and gave her a nice wet lick on the cheek to revive her, taking payment for services rendered by borrowing her appearance at the same time. Turns out there was a very good reason she’d been traveling the way she had been when we’d met and why she looked like she’d been starving: poor filly had caught a bad case of Angry Mob in the nearest settlement. At least I ended up leading them away from the real thing, though I had to ditch the disguise sooner than I’d have liked. I’m about sixty percent sure I’m immortal, but sharp flying rocks still hurt worse than ending up with a manticore stinger in your shoulder. Bruises last longer at any rate…

When I finally found Arachneus I once again had to wonder how we’d failed to notice its absence from Tartarus or its presence in Equestria until long after Cerberus’s impromptu day off. The can in my mouth was woefully inadequate to contain the sixty-foot tall, eight-legged shadow of destruction taking a stroll through the Everfree Forest. Well, there was nothing else for it, so I walked up to it, bucked it in the leg to get its attention, and then set the can down, pointed to it and said, “Get in.” You may think me crazy, but I’ve used that exact same strategy on Tirek himself with complete success. Admittedly, I’d confiscated his Rainbow of Darkness first, but I said “get in” and he got back in his cell without a fuss. Arachneus wasn’t having any of it though and tried to get some karmic revenge for all the less evil and noticeably more coporeal spiders that have ever been squashed underhoof. Again, I’m pretty sure I’m immortal, but being pancaked is not on my bucket list, so while he raised his leg to step on me, I prepared to run for my life and think up a new strategy. We were both taken by surprise when a wave of rainbow light arced up from somewhere behind the giant shadowy arachnid, struck it in the thorax, and then wrapped it up in a cocoon of magic that squished it down to the size of a bit coin before dropping it. We looked at each other for a few moments before I slid the can toward him and said, “Let’s try that again. Get in.” He was more than happy to oblige and within a few seconds I had the lid on and the seal restored, all ready to take back to headquarters. And then I got hit in the face with a rainbow.

I probably should’ve been able to guess when I saw the rainbow pull a shrinky-dink on Shadow Arachneus, but getting it full in the face and coming out with nothing more than a severely spiced-out tongue (Although my mane probably would’ve been blown back if I had one) told me exactly what and who I was dealing with. I’d never seen the Elements of Harmony for myself, but you’d have to be a whole new class of ignorant fool to be an agent of goodness and not know about them and the six new Bearers. And thanks to six of the top-rankers in Tartarus deciding to remake themselves as “Dark” versions of those mares a couple weeks after Nightmare Moon’s final defeat, I could put a name to each shocked, astounded, and tired face as they saw me emerge unscathed from their Super Friendship Beam. When I smiled and waved at them, Rarity and Fluttershy fainted while the others looked like they were going to be sick.

I was going to be in so much trouble when I got back…