Stoney Ponesby Samsara
Chapters
Bob Mare-ly
"What'd ya say this strain was again?" Applejack asked as smoke poured from her mouth and nostrils like an upside down waterfall.
"I think it's called White Wendigo. Someone far to the north grows it and needed to get rid of an ounce and was selling it cheap. I just gave my last medicinal nug to Mr. and Mrs. Beaver sooooo I took it." Fluttershy responded, taking back her absurdly large acorn shaped bong from the smiling orange earth pony. She immediately buried her nose in and, with expertise, pulled through to keep the cherry alive in the three gram bowl.
Twilight's head rolled atop her shoulders as she forgot to keep it steady, and the resulting vertigo from the action prompted a simple, "Woah..."
"You okay, Twi?" Rainbow Dash asked, her leg tapping impatiently until it was her hit again.
"I feel like I'm in Cloudsdale..." She responded; her tolerance was significantly lower than everypony else's, and it certainly showed. Fluttershy snickered and blew smoke over at Twilight's inattentive face. "Hah! I can even see the clouds!"
The group shared a chuckle at her expense, and the bong continued on its dutiful rounds.
"Fluttershy, could I possibly buy a baggy of this to take home? Sweetie Belle has just been a complete pest these past few weeks and I could really use the pick-me-up." She fluttered her eyelashes and took her hit at the same time, though the redness and squinting in her eyes just made her look as though she were convulsing.
"Ah you can just go ahead and take a twenty sack, I got it at a huge bargain. I think my guy was about to get raided by the guards or something."
"Oh you're such a darling~"
Rainbow Dash snatched the pipe from Rarity after she had cleared it and quickly filled the chamber to the top. Twilight stared ahead, mesmerized, by the thick tubes of smoke the pegasus blew out of her nose prior to clearing it. "Dash... are you a dragon?"
"Kinda..." She smirked, stood, and roared her best at Twilight; the flowing smoke from her lungs accentuated the display and made the toasted unicorn nearly fall out of her chair both from giggling and from fright. Another riotous laugh encircled the ponies before Rainbow plopped back down onto Fluttershy's couch and passed the pipe to Pinkie Pie who accepted the bong but just held onto it.
"Hey Rarity, if you need somepony to take Sweetie Belle off your hooves for a day, I'd be more than happy to babysit!" The jubilant pink pony exclaimed.
"What about Pound Cake and Carrot Cake?"
"Oh the Cakes don't let me babysit them anymore after I got caught making special brownies in their easy bake oven~"
"Hah! I could care less what you do with Sweetie Belle, just don't let her play in traffic and I'll give you five bits a day to keep her busy."
"Deal!"
"Hey, Pinkie... Hit that will ya? It's cherried, you're wasting it." Applejack said after noticing a steady stream of smoke rising up from the bowl.
"Oops, sorry!" Pinkie took a deep breath, and then exhaled it all the way until her torso had deflated. She made the best seal she could on the mouthpiece and pulled with all her might. The five ponies around her stared on in amazement as she took what would go on record as the largest hit ever taken in Fluttershy's home. By anypony's guess, she had inhaled three chambers worth of smoke before finally clearing it. Pinkie, swollen from the smoke, released the hit after a few seconds, although it resembled the effect of untying a knot on a balloon. Pinkie Pie promptly went flying about the living room like one as well, with a trail of smoke behind her erratic movement.
The instant this happened, everyone burst into fits of uncontrollable laughter, as was the norm every few minutes when they smoked together. Applejack, Rarity and Rainbow Dash hit the floor, but Twilight and Fluttershy kept their seats; Twilight only because it was her hit again. "Ohh by the Princess's mane... I dunno if I can do this anymore."
"C'mon Twi, don't be a bitch." Rainbow Dash said reflexively to the prospect of not getting more high.
"Well... You do make a persuasive argument, Miss Peer Pressure." Twilight smirked and, with her best shot, attempted to keep the bong moving. The instant a whiff of the skunky, thick smoke made it through the chamber to her nose, however, Twilight fell into a coughing episode. Fluttershy put her hoof on the pipe to stabilize it and prevent any of the smoke in the chamber from flowing out while Twilight recovered, but the rest of the ponies just laughed at her.
"Hurry up, Twilight, if you let it sit in there it's just gonna get more and more stale, harder and harder to take." The cyan pegasus said between chuckles. Her only real goal was to see how far she could push the uppity unicorn.
"Yeah, Twi, that's actually true." Applejack piped in. At this point she'd sided with Rainbow Dash entirely and was intent on watching Twilight hit her limits like a stone wall.
"Okay... Okay..." The unicorn said between wheezes. "I'll do it."
"You don't have to if you don't want to, sweetheart," Rarity said.
"Yeah, I can always clear it for you." Fluttershy offered right after.
"No, no, I'm not gonna be a bitch. I got this." Twilight composed herself and, after forcibly loosening the tar from her throat and lungs, she stood up from the chair and nuzzled into the thick glass mouthpiece. Rarity removed the bowl so Twilight didn't have to focus too hard, and the purple unicorn pulled as hard as she could with a single breath. The noisy hit shotgunned the smoke, several liters of air, and even a few droplets of bitter, stale bong water up into her lungs. She contorted her face and bit the inside of her cheek to stave off the discomfort, but after her vision blurred with tears and vertigo from the THC became too much to keep her balance, the unicorn fell back into the chair and violently forced the thick white cloud out of her lungs in yet another fit of coughing and hacking. It was a fairly impressive hit, but Twilight just couldn't recover from it. "Nope... Nope... I'm done for a bit."
Fluttershy patted the retching purple mess on the back and took the bong back from her. She grabbed an unsharpened pencil and packed it down a bit, noticing that the cherry had died. "Twilight, think you could do me a favor?" Without even looking up from the floor, Twilight's horn glowed and the bowl re-lit. "Thanks a bunch~" Fluttershy, stupefied from the THC in her system already, burned the crispy, stale bowl down until it sunk. She stood up, walked the pipe up to her bedroom and replaced it, then exhaled upon sitting back down in the chair with her friends.
"Nice!" Applejack commented, although that was the last word anypony said for nearly five minutes. Each one of them just sat and stared at their respective interests around the room: Applejack was captivated by a potted plant that served as the opera house for an orchestra of crickets, Pinkie Pie had disappeared into the kitchen after she realized the bowl was finished, Rarity was examining her own reflection in her hoof, Twilight had focused so intently on the cracks in the floorboards that she may well have been trying to travel through them, Rainbow Dash stared longingly at the clouds out the window (and the ones between herself and the window), and Fluttershy put her focus on the giant bag of pot sitting on her coffee table. The solid, deep green and "snow-sprinkled" plant material was beckoning for her, but a strong case of "the lazies" took hold over her body.
The silence was only broken with a signature Pinkie Pie squeal of joy. Everypony wrenched their gaze toward Fluttershy's kitchen and witnessed as the bouncing pony rejoined them, precariously balancing several bowls of snacks on various parts of her body. She set chips and salsa down on the coffee table, cookies on the end table of Fluttershy's chair, and a big plate of carrots right next to the big bag of weed. Nopony reached for the snacks right away, and Pinkie smirked. "What's the matter you guys? Got... Cottonmouth?!" To emphasize that final word, she produced four two-liter bottles of various flavors of soda from seemingly out of nowhere. Immediately, she received the praise of royalty.
If snacks had feelings, it would have been a grisly massacre. Cookies, chips, and carrots were devoured by hoof-fuls; crumb carnage littered the floor and table, and carrot greens (promptly devoured by animals with a contact high) had been scattered about. Apart from the sounds of noisy chewing, hissing carbonation and various grunts of pleasure from the ponies, no conversation ensued until everypony had their fill. Afterwards they lay back and sighed contentedly, nearly an hour had gone by and they had been in perfectly positive affect the entire time. Once again, the silence was broken, but this time by Twilight.
"Guys... I can hear the narrator."
"... What?" Was the general response from everyone else.
"Just then. When you all said "what?" There was a voice that narrated it. You didn't hear it?" Twilight asserted. Her friends all stifled their smiles and giggles, and Applejack had to nudge Rainbow Dash before she said something mean.
"Twilight... You're stoned, girl." AJ said in response.
"Like the streets of Canterlot, yes, but I swear by the Princesses, past present and future, I hear a Narrator... What if our entire life is just a story?"
"That's deep..." Fluttershy said, guzzling back a glass of water that she had snuck off and filled at some point.
"Who would waste their time reading into the hours of time we spend smoking pot together?" Rainbow Dash asked. She was still the most sober of the group.
"I dunno... But I got you to read Daring Do all the time."
"Yeah, because she actually goes out and does things. Her story is interesting!"
"I think you guys are interesting..." Fluttershy said with a blush, and went back to drinking her water.
"Well, if there is a narrator, why don't you test it?" Pinkie Pie said, with an odd flare for scientific method.
"That's not a bad idea, Pinkie. Hey, Narrator!" Twilight said, calling out to no-one in particular. "It's not "no-one in particular" I'm talking to you!" She yelled. Secretly Rainbow Dash was thinking that Twilight had finally snapped and lost her marbles; something she'd expected for a long time. "Oh come on, that's not cool Rainbow."
"What? I didn't say anything!" Rainbow Dash was caught completely off guard by the statement.
"This really is good shit..." Applejack said, smelling the sweet, musty flavor of the marijuana.
"You're thinking that I've finally snapped and lost my marbles!"
"... Fuck, can you read my mind?"
"Hey Fluttershy, can we load another bowl? I wanna get as high as Twilight." Pinkie said with a snicker.
"If it's alright with you, dear, I could go for another round. I've got a lot of work to do tonight and I'd really like to just time-warp through it." Rarity asked with a cock of the head and a flutter of her extra long eyelashes.
"Yeah, no problem... one sec." Fluttershy stood and walked over to a bookshelf, pulled a few of the tomes off of it and removed her stash box. The large, beautifully engraved wooden locker that she hid her pipes in opened up in tackle-box fashion, revealing Fluttershy's tremendous collection of blown glass pipes. "What do you wanna smoke out of?"
"Hmmmm..." The entire crowd said unanimously. They gathered around and examined the collection. She had pipes that looked as though they would suit wizards, aliens, animals, hippies, businessmares, and anything in between, from one-hitters to multi-gram bowls. The group each wanted something different, so they quickly became indecisive about which of the twenty pipes to load up. Twilight was still focused on her quarrel with the nonexistent "narrator" however.
"That's right, the Narrator... Hey Narrator, give us some more weed so we don't have to smoke entirely on Fluttershy's dime!"
At that very moment Twilight's horn glowed involuntarily and a magical sphere came into existence right before Twilight's face. Everypony in the room's eyes widened, somewhat in terror and somewhat in interest as their entire existence had been brought into question. The package that fell from the sphere was a scroll, not a bag, though, so Twilight slowly unrolled the piece of paper and was immediately disappointed. "Aw dammit... It's just Celestia."
A sigh of relief permeated the room before Rainbow Dash asked, "What's that fatass want?"
Twilight cleared her throat and read the letter aloud in a mocking, nasally tone. "To My Faithful Student. I'm very concerned about your grades as of late. It's come to my attention that you haven't sent in any letters, reports, or research assignments from me or anypony else who has been in contact with you and giving them to you these last two months... Oh shit."
"Hah! Forgettin' to do your homework, Twi?" Applejack said with a big smirk.
"No, I just realized something."
"What's that?" Rarity asked.
"We could use this to roll an enormous joint!" Unanimously, the group of ponies decided that Twilight was a genius.
Angel Gets Into Fluttershy's Stash
"There~ Angel you look adorable!" Fluttershy cooed as she removed her rabbit's curlers and fluffed his tail. The rabbit held his arms crossed the entire time, impatient and entitled (as far as he was concerned) to the pampering. "Now are you sure there's nothing you want from the market? This is the only time I'll be able to make it for the next few weeks."
Angel thought about his answer very carefully and then, with a flash of genius, he ran into the living room to fetch a book. Fluttershy, used to her pet's spoiled behavior, waited patiently for him to return with his request. When he did come back, however, the canary pegasus witnessed his latest request for absurdly high quality foodstuffs: a real golden apple, as it was displayed in the illustration to a very old text.
"Angel Bunny you know better! How would I afford something like that?" Fluttershy asked, indignant. She was hoping her motherly tone would dissuade him of that particular outlandish demand, but as always it failed to do so. Angel flipped through the book again and pointed, very impatiently, at a map of the Everfree Forest; one that showed where the apples grew. Fluttershy pouted and, since the rodent had riposted her financial reason for refusal and even went so far as to provide an alternative, knew that she'd been beaten. Fluttershy submitted to Angel's demands with a heavy sigh, "I'll go get my saddle bags... You're lucky you're cute."
A massive grin broke across Angel's little face. He thumped his feet in glee, which he knew Fluttershy couldn't resist, and was promptly snuggled by the mare. "I'll be back soon, maybe Rainbow Dash will help me out with these... But you behave yourself while I'm gone, do you hear me, Mister?" Fluttershy's pets had all trained the pegasus to think she had any kind of authority with her speech, Angel most of all with his cutesy stance and absurdly expressive face. Fluttershy turned and closed her door, locked it, and took off in flight toward Rainbow's home.
Angel, meanwhile, sat back on the couch, draped his ears back over the cushion, and sighed. His sigh began in the usual high pitched squeak that was customary for him, but quickly deepened to a register and intonation similar to that of Danny DaVito. "That ought'a keep that dingbat busy for a couple of hours..."
The rabbit stood and walked slowly beneath the coffee table, fitting easily under the raised structure and removed his very own box from a hidden shelf beneath. He opened the thing up and removed a stack of two inch rolling papers and a lighter, just about the only things that he could fit in the tiny container, and walked over to the bookshelf that he had become oh so familiar with. Upon his expert removal of a very specific tome about gardening, Angel reached far to the back of the shelves and removed the "medical" herbs that Fluttershy hid back there. Every week or so he liked to send her on a ridiculous errand so that he could raid the stash, and he smoked so little that the pegasus never really noticed. Not to mention the fact that Fluttershy always somehow came through on those errands, so even the bunny's munchies benefited from the deceit.
With a few grams of the finely ground "flowers" in hand, Angel returned to the loveseat that Fluttershy kept by the fireplace. He was never sure why she didn't just spring for a nice leather recliner, seeing as how she never brought home anypony to share the loveseat with, but he did have a most favorite spot. The space where two cushions came together formed a dent that he could sink into, and it even left a large enough gap for his tail to slip comfortably between; it was absolutely perfect for such an occasion. Angel sat down in his spot, sighing again with his disturbingly deep Jersey voice, and poured a pawful of weed into the open papers. With practiced skill and without spilling a single leaf, Angel rolled a fatty nearly the size of one of his ears, licked it to seal, and finished by twisting and tucking the ends. He smelled his creation as though it were a cigar, and felt his toes curl in pleasure at the pungent plant, but he couldn't help thinking that something was missing.
Before sparking up the joint, Angel laid it out on the coffee table right next to his engraved silver lighter and hopped on over to the gramophone that Fluttershy kept absolutely spotless. She rarely ever used it, but he made sure the music maker got enough mileage to warrant the occasional oil change. He didn't need to thumb through the records for too long before deciding on his very favorite set of smoking tunes; Dark Side of the Moon.
Angel sank back into the loveseat once again, picked up his joint and his lighter, and stared into the fireplace. It was midday, but the house was fairly dark due to the always drawn curtains. Angel, once more, stood back up and piled some wood, one log at a time, into the empty space. He used one of his torn and deformed rolling papers as kindling, and got a nice fire roaring in the space, surrounding him in the calming, flickering orange light that he loved so very much. With that, he leaned in and used the raging flames to light up. Thick vapor filled his lungs almost instantly as he inhaled, and the natural flavor from the fireplace carried through the sweet, fresh taste of the marijuana. He relaxed immediately, and hopped back into the chair, finally satisfied with his setup.
By the time the third song on the album started to play, Angel was well on his way to getting completely baked. His joint had burned away by about a quarter, which was more than enough to toast the two pound rabbit despite his tolerance, but he went for broke whenever he had the chance to toke. As he piled back one more enormous hit, a well known ferret friend of his hopped up on the back of the loveseat.
"Hey Angel, what'cha up to?" The weasely creature asked in her usual, perky voice.
"Ah you know. Same ol' same ol'." Angel said, never turning his gaze away from the fire.
"Heh, ninety-nine problems, huh?"
"Yeah, but the bitch ain't one... I got her chasing golden apples this time."
"Jeez, golden apples? Is there anything she won't do for you?"
Angel smirked and made a rude gesture with his free paw while taking his next hit.
"Besides that." The ferret said with a giggle. Halfway through the rabbit's pull, she joined Angel on the loveseat to his left, and he passed it over to her.
"I dunno." He said, letting the smoke pour out before his eyes. The glassy, beady, little rabbit eyes reflected the firelight-accented trails of smoke drifting from his nose and mouth. "I'll let you know when I find out."
The ferret, almost pure white with exception of a brown patch on each of her ears, positioned herself on the cushion so that she too was lying back and staring at the fire. Her eyes, however, focused on the ember at the end of the joint instead of the larger conflagration. Angel smiled over to her and used his ear to pat her on the back when she wasn't paying attention, startling her lanky body. "And what have you been up to all week, Farrah?"
"Hehehe, you know, same old same old." She said, purposely repeating Angel's answer for him. "Made a nest in the dryer lint, scratched a hole or two in the walls in Fluttershy's bedroom... Nothing out of the ordinary." She took another drag and passed it back to the waiting bunny. Angel smiled and took his turn without any hesitation. The fire gradually became more and more interesting as licking flames scraped at the hearth. Farrah smiled and sunk a little more, her eyes glassing over and turning just as pink as Angel's. The couple sat there and stared a little longer, enjoying the music and the weed with their show.
Angel and Farrah finished the joint just before the final song began, their small bodies had drooped and sunk into the cushions such that they were pressed up against each other, giggling wildly. "Oh wow... This shit's good. Where'd Fluttershy get it?" Farrah asked.
"You ask her if you want, I just smoke the stuff when she's not around."
"Hah, you know she doesn't really understand us, Right?"
"Sometimes I don't really know... I swear she can have deep conversations with those damn beavers."
"Yeah but you and me... and like ninety percent of the rest of us, she just reads our voice intonations. Yesterday I spent nearly five minutes cussing her out and she brought me a fruit salad afterwards."
"Oh I've totally done that before, fun isn't it?"
"It's almost worth the dirty looks everyone else gives you, huh?"
"Hah, to hell with those guys, bunch o' prudes."
"Heh, speaking of which, you wanna fool around?"
"Mmmmn..." Angel had to think for a minute before answering. He really didn't wanna get up from his chair, but Farrah had this odd way of twisting their body that always kept him coming back for more. "Yeah sure, but let's go upstairs and do it on Fluttershy's Pillow. I wanna see if she notices this time."
"She never does~" Farrah said with a wink and a trailing of her voice.
"She almost did that one time the pillowcase stuck to her cheek in the morning." This comment sent them both into a giggle fit.
"I wonder what she'd do if she ever found out..."
"Found what out?"
"Any of this... I hear she can rage pretty hard if the final straw hits her bad enough."
Just at that moment, Fluttershy opened the door to her home. "Angel Bunny~ I just realized I forgot... My..."
Angel and Farrah stared wide eyed at the door, and Angel reflexively flicked the roach that he was still holding into the fireplace without taking his eyes off of Fluttershy. The pegasus' eyes followed the still burning butt, and she sniffed a few times to confirm the presence of the pungent smell of weed in her home.
"Are you two fucking stoned?"
Teaching Is Stressful
"So, if Jenny has three buckets of apples, and Roger has five buckets of apples, and each bucket holds between five and nine apples, how many apples, minimum to maximum, are there between Jenny and Roger?" Cheerilee asked, glancing around the room. As usual, only one pony ever raised her hoof; Apple Bloom. Cheerilee sighed; ever since she figured out that "good students give apples to their teachers," Apple Bloom had become the worst kind of try-hard teacher's pet. "Apple Bloom."
"Thirty Five and Fifty Six, ma'am!" She said with a smile, incorrect as usual.
"No, Apple Bloom, I'm afraid that's incorrect. Anypony else?" She glanced around the room, hoping for one of the duller students in the back to offer a correct answer and spice up her day. "Anypony?"
With yet another sigh, Cheerilee wrote the correct answer on the chalkboard, and tried to walk the students through how to solve it. "You see, if each bucket has between five and nine apples, and there are a total of eight buckets, then the minimum situation would be if each bucket only held five apples. If we multiply five by eight, we get forty, and then we just do the same thing for the maximum value; eight times nine is seventy two. Now we have our minimum, forty, and our maximum of seventy two. Make sense?"
As was the same for every single day, each one of the students either looked bewildered, bored, or belligerent, and not a single one really cared how many hypothetical apples were in the hypothetical buckets. Luckily for Cheerilee, however, the bell rang for recess at just that moment. The students, as per their daily ritual, ran screaming out to the playground and left Cheerilee all alone in the classroom. The magenta earth pony slumped down in the chair behind her desk and groaned; still half the day left to suffer through. In truth she hated those brats. She hated their constant screaming and yelling, throwing things around her classroom, talking over her, passing notes, leaving rancid garbage everywhere they went... The more she thought about them, the more she contemplated a bloody mass homicide, but she always stopped herself at "if it weren't for the guards..."
Cheerilee found herself reaching down below her desk, instinctively pulling open the single hidden drawer where she placed confiscated contraband, and her own stash of 'herbal stress relief' materials. Cheerilee removed a pencil and the apple that Apple Bloom had placed on the corner of her desk and removed the stem. She stabbed a hole in the side, then in the top, and made sure they connected nicely. With the newly perforated piece of fruit, Cheerilee glanced around to make sure nopony was around, and unrolled a little baggy of very strong cannabis. She sprinkled a little bit into the top of the apple, where the stem once was, and packed it down tightly. She produced a half-dead lighter from the same drawer, and lit the apple pipe at the brim, inhaled, and nearly melted into her chair as the fruit flavored, thick cloud of smoke shot through the channels and into her lungs. Her woes disappeared in a cloud of skunky vapor as she exhaled, and looked down to her apple pipe.
"Mmhh, Apple Bloom, I guess you really are good for somethin'." Cheerilee snickered and took another hit, enjoying the apple flavored weed, and instantly lost track of time. The clock ticked by outside her scope of awareness, and she torched down the natural bowl quickly, taking large, rapid hits all along the way. Just as she had to hold the fire over the last, blackened remnants of ash in her apple pipe, Cheerilee's ears were assaulted by the bell to end recess. The sharp noise frightened her and she swallowed an entire esophagus full of the bitter, hot, burnt apple flavored smoke, and aspirated the rest in a gasp.
Without warning, her eyes teared up, her throat and lungs felt like they'd spontaneously combusted, and the earth pony's stomach did somersaults; she responded by dipping her head under the table and coughing violently. As students poured into the classroom, smoke and violent hacking sounds rose up from behind their teacher's desk. Following the students came a slew of questions and statements.
"Are you okay, Miss Cheerilee?"
"What's going on?"
"It smells like a skunk in here..."
"Is that smoke?!"
"Everything's fine!" Cheerilee slurred as she emerged from behind her desk; the final hit had been a lot larger than she was prepared for. The students didn't quite know what was wrong, but the sight of smoke, bright pink eyes and a teacher in pain created the perfect environment for panic to set in.
"What's wrong, Miss Cheerilee?" Sweetie Belle asked, innocently as always, "Is there anything we can do to help?"
Cheerilee stood up, fell back into her chair, then stood up again and made for the window. She opened it up and hung her head out briefly, trying to stave off the nausea from swallowing so much smoke with a little fresh air; not to mention to air out the room. She turned back to address the class (and hopefully calm them down) when a silent but involuntary belch snuck up on the teacher, and all the smoke she swallowed expelled itself from her mouth at once.
"Miss Cheerilee's gonna explode!" Somepony from the room shouted, and they all immediately bolted for various exits, screaming.
The teacher stood dumbstruck at the absurd notion, but stepped over just in time to prevent a slack-jawed foal, whom she couldn't recall the name of, from diving out the window.
"Children, please! I'm not going to explode, I'm just doing... an experiment." She was high, so her brain had lost the creative edge it usually had in situations that required an excuse.
"But you're not wearing your thafety goggleths" Twist said as most of the foals calmed down.
"You're right, and I should have been, that's why my eyes are red and watering right now. Which reminds me, I have an assignment for you all." She paused for the obligatory classroom groan any time a synonym of "work" was said. "We're going to be doing research on snacks!" The children were confused at this, but Cheerilee's big smile assured them that it might actually be fun. "Don't tell anypony I let you do this, but you're all allowed to go out of the classroom and fetch me something to munch on. Those of you who bring me back something delicious will receive extra credit on the next exam, but those of you who don't return to class will get a failing grade."
The students hesitated for just a moment, but then all at once scrambled for the door. Any excuse to get out of class on the Teacher's blessing may just as well have been the holy grail. Once the dust settled, only Diamond Tiara remained.
"I know what you were doing while we were at recess, you may have them all fooled but not me." The bitchy little earth pony sneered.
Cheerilee had spent enough time in her life being intimidated, but not nearly enough of it alone with the filly; so she pounced on this chance with all the grace of a tiger. She smiled wide, much wider than she had first intended, and slowly sauntered over to Diamond Tiara's desk, never once letting her facade crack. "Oh? Is that so?"
"Yes, and unless you give me an A I'm going to tell the principal that you're smoking drugs in here."
"Hmmm, well that is quite a threat." Cheerilee said as condescendingly as she could. She rested her hooves on the filly's desk, and gradually placed herself between the filly and the light on the ceiling. "But, I have a counter offer for you. If you've been keeping up with current events research, like I assigned, you would know the Princess's new policy on bullying, am I correct?" The filly stuttered; her teacher's imposing presence hung over her like a dark, magenta cloud. "Well let me refresh your memory, then. It's zero tolerance, and anypony caught bullying any other pony is sent to a newly built correctional facility just at the bottom of the mountains that Canterlot sits upon. I've only ever had to send one pony there; I saw him a week later and I wasn't even sure his coat was the same color, do you understand me?"
A bead of sweat ran down Diamond Tiara's temple, but she didn't say a word.
"Well let me make this a little more clear. I know where you live, I know your father's business, I know all of your little friends, and I've seen what you do to those three fillies... You know the ones. Now, you can go to the principal and tell him I've been doing whatever it is you think I've been doing, but I'm a much better planner than you, and I'd have all the evidence cleaned out of this room before lunch was up. You on the other hoof... I could have you sent away to that place with a single signature on a piece of paper. And we wouldn't want that, now would we?"
Cheerilee had gotten much closer to the little pink pony, and Diamond Tiara could feel the breaths from her teacher's nostrils tussling her mane like a wolf sniffing dinner. The earth filly gulped, and Cheerilee knew that she had successfully intimidated a ten year old; quite the accomplishment. The awkward stares lasted until Twist returned, followed by a train of other ponies all carrying snacks and the occasional juice box or milk carton. With practice and grace, Cheerilee's smile quickly reappeared on her face, and her posture returned to a neutral but still empowered gait. "Welcome back, children! What did you scrounge up?"
Diamond Tiara sat at her desk trembling, all the while Cheerilee counted up her munchies: Two boxes of homemade peppermint twists, several plates worth of cookies, a few brownies, the odd bag of pretzels and chips, eight cartons of milk (equal parts chocolate and plain), and twelve differently flavored juice boxes. No soda, unfortunately, but the milk was about to go really great with those cookies. She didn't even hesitate, but tore open packages by the hoof-ful with her teeth, and devoured their contents. She chased every enormous and dry mouthful of snack food with an entire juice box or milk carton; frightening some of the children with her savagery.
Halfway through the entire pile of food, Cheerilee groaned in delight, "Ohhh my gawd, thank you all so much. You all get A's" The entire class cheered while their teacher struggled to swallow a lump of food nearly the size of a billiards ball. "Except you, Diamond Tiara, you need to stay after class." The class's collective "Ooohhhhhh" nearly drowned out the filly's shouts of protest.
Cheerilee finished her lesson high as fuck, and had some trouble figuring out math problems (such as 3x5) when she couldn't read her own writing on the board, but nonetheless the children all learned a great deal about their teacher that day. Before Cheerilee knew it, the bell rang and everypony stood up and ran out, screaming into the wide wide world. Diamond Tiara, like the obedient peon that she was, stayed behind as ordered, and the teacher needed to think of what to do with her. The terrified filly had seen a night and day transformation between Cheerilee's perky teacher self, and the stoned psychopath from recess. Cheerilee, on the other hand, had pulled most of that out of her ass on the spot and did a great performance to make it sound scary. Diamond Tiara was convinced Cheerilee was about to eat her alive.
Cheerilee didn't eat her alive, but she did perform a small trick that she had seen in the movies once, and wrote out a note to Diamond Tiara's father explaining the situation. Cheerilee stapled the note to the filly's chest, just like in the movie, only she had forgotten that the foal in the movie was wearing a shirt. Diamond Tiara bled, but didn't scream: she was afraid that if she did she would never be seen again. Cheerilee rolled with it and let her go; she ran home so quickly that she nearly barreled through half the ponies in the square.
Filthy Rich pressed no charges against the Cheerilee or the school because his daughter refused to comment on the event, and he was pretty sure she deserved it.
Big Mac's Big Red Bong
"Ugh... Ah can't believe Granny had us scrub the floors again!" Applejack groaned as she entered the barn. She'd been doing chores all day, and wound up cleaning the same spot in the house for the last two hours. Granny Smith was going more than a little senile, and so she actually started repeating things on her to do lists; the worst part was when she enforced them later.
"Eeyup." Big Mac agreed. The heavy, exhausted baritone of his voice communicated to Applejack his exact emotions; worn out, tired, and ready to drop like a sack of potatoes.
"Seriously... Next time remind me to get Apple Bloom surfin' through the family album with her. That always keeps the old bat busy for a few hours." Applejack said with a chuckle. She and Big Macintosh deftly climbed the ladder into the upper portions of the barn, and slid into a small fort they had built with old hay bales. The bales hid the space completely from anypony but those that knew about it, and also provided a nice spot to sit on. Big Mac used his muscular head and neck to push forward the stack of hay blocking the entrance to their hidey hole, let his sister join him, and then replaced them with an expert kick from one of his powerful hind legs.
"D'aww, Mac, y'didn't haveta take me for a roll in the hay y'know." Applejack teased. She always laughed at the way incest jokes made her brother blush. Though she had to get him really off guard to actually see it through his bright red coat. If she could manage it, however that always scored her extra sister-points. Big Mac blinked and shook his head, forced a grin, and tried not to appear embarrassed. His sister, not one to give up so easily, just kept on teasing. "What're you gonna do?" She smiled and rolled over onto her stomach on one bale of hay, showing off her muscular figure to him rather lewdly. "Gonna whip it out, huh?"
"Oh keep yer panties on." Mac said, his cheeks burning at the idea. "I gotta find it first."
"Psh, that's the first time Ah've ever heard you say that." Applejack flicked her tail at him, but he was out of range. Big Mac dug around behind another hay bale, and used his teeth to drag out a heavy footlocker by one handle. "Mmmm, mmm. Just what Ah've been waitin' for all day. Go on, take it out, you know you wanna~" AJ's voice trailed off at the end of her speech; something she emulated from Rarity as an exaggerated and over-the-top method of communicating attraction. Big Mac opened the locker and reached his head in, and sounded like he was having trouble getting his teeth around something. "Aww what's the matter Big fella? Havin' trouble fittin' it in yer mouth?" Applejack couldn't help but laugh at her own joke. "Need mah help before it's presentable~?"
After a great deal of teasing, and some frustration, Big Mac pulled the device out of the locker, an enormous red bong with his cutie mark emblazoned in the side; a gift from an old stoner marefriend who was into glassblowing.
"Awww yeah, that's the big ol' shaft Ah wanted to see!" Applejack exclaimed, shifting from lewd incestuous teasing to actual excitement over the situation, though slowly. Big Mac hadn't said a word the entire time because he knew AJ would pick up on his stuttering voice. He was just hoping that the blush in his cheeks was mild enough that she wouldn't see. That was not the case. "Hah! Ah knew Ah could getcha'! Ah always do~"
Big Mac smiled at his sister, poured fresh water from the watering can hanging above them into the bong, and then produced a pre-packed bowl from the footlocker. "Shut up and suck on this, AJ." He said, and gave his sister the first hit. She smirked and pressed her lips against the tip, made sure they made a perfect seal, and winked at her brother. Big Mac, meanwhile, pulled out a candle and some matches from the locker, lit the candle, and used the long wick to light the bong without getting any wax into the weed. Applejack white-walled the three foot tube and then signaled for her brother to remove the bowl. With expert precision, the entire chamber emptied itself into Applejack's throat; filling her lungs with thick white smoke. She immediately blushed and sat back on the hay, held the hit, and let it out in a cloud that instantly hot-boxed their little private hay-room.
"Talk about hittin' the spot~" She said with a rasp in her voice. Big Mac meanwhile had started taking his own hit with the cherry that AJ had left for him. He was tall enough to actually reach the bowl, unlike AJ, but it was usually too big of a piece for him and him alone. He only filled it to a somewhat opaque consistency, as he liked warm-up hits before rippin' the hell out of it.
A few seconds went by, and then Big Macintosh let out a long, deep, "Eeeeeyup," with smoke pouring from his mouth the whole way. Applejack burst out laughing when he did this, and took her next hit when she calmed down. Big Mac helped her as usual and sat back, the pair stared up at the ceiling and watched the candlelight dance through the smoke for a few minutes.
"Hey... Mac... Why is it that you only ever say "Eyup" when other people are around?" Applejack asked, perfectly mimicking her brother's voice when she pronounced his trademark.
"Cuz I don't like talkin' to people." He replied.
"But ya like talkin' to me?" She said, and pawed at the bong for another hit. Big Mac lit and removed the bowl again for her, always loving to feel useful, even in moments like this.
"Yer mah sister, AJ. 'Course ah like talkin' to you. Even if you do seem to think waaaaay too much about bangin' me sometimes." It was his turn to get her back, and she was so lost in the sweet sentiment that her guard was completely lowered for that one.
Applejack nearly choked on her hit, and hacked all the smoke out while Big Mac sat back and laughed at her. The forceful coughing, however, did function to get Applejack even higher than the hit would have normally. "Aww crap... Ya got me, bro. Woah..."
"You okay, AJ?" Big Mac asked, still smirking and following up his brotherly victory with a massive hit.
"Yeah... Ah just feel like mah head's stuffed fulla hay."
"Y'ever stop to think maybe it is?" Big Mac smirked and said this through his hit, his voice cracking and raspy and blowing smoke out of his mouth and nostrils as he spoke. He then offered the bong to AJ but she passed.
"Once or twice... Then Ah remembered that you're mah brother who got all the brawn while Ah got all the brains."
"Need Ah remind ya of a little thing you called 'fancy mathematics' AJ?"
"Oh you hush up! Ah was tired from workin' all-nighters all dern week." Applejack sat forward to emphasize her speech, and then flopped non-threateningly back down onto the hay bale chair she and her brother had constructed. Big Macintosh handed the bong over to her and she took another complete white-wall hit of the big red piece; Big Macintosh's ex marefriend who had made it named it "Mac Daddy."
"Oh by the princess I love how this thing hits~" Applejack said. The oddly phrased statement and copious amounts of marijuana in their blood was enough to spur a fit of laughter between the two.
"Yeah, it's got a real strong hoof, don't it?"
"Quit talkin' like that pipe is a pimp."
"But the pipe is a pimp, it's mah pimp pipe."
Applejack wanted to call her brother an "idjit" but she was way too high to keep from laughing long enough to say the single word.
Big Macintosh, however, held his composure just as stoically as he usually did, which only added to the absurdity and goofiness as far as AJ was concerned. "Look, we've even got the same tattoo on our ass." Big Mac's composure did, however, start to crack by this ending statement. The corners of his mouth twisted back into a smile, no matter how badly he fought. Applejack, however, had already completely lost it, and literally fell off her block of hay laughing so hard. Big Mac set the bong down behind the hay bale next to him and leaned against the one behind him. He slid to the floor, but was so large that his rear hooves reached all the way to the opposite wall of their narrow smoke-fort. Applejack sprawled across his legs and used them for support, resting her head on a jutting hay bale, and turned her head to look him in the eyes.
"Howdy big brother." She said with an exaggerated southern twang, still snickering.
Big Mac just smiled and rested his head. The exhaustion of the day had caught up to both of them, and they had gotten so relaxed that they could barely move. The pot didn't help either.
Just then, a grumbling voice was heard behind the pair, as the bales of hay blocking their entrance were slowly pulled out. Granny Smith stood at the other side and stepped into the room with a stern look on her weathered face.
"Haaaaaaaay, Granny." Applejack said, a massive grin slowly creeping across her face at the horrid pun.
The old green mare instantly started coughing as soon as she smelled smoke. "Oh goodness! Thurs a fire in here!"
Applejack, knowing that they'd been caught no matter what just decided to continue her great record of honesty. "Granny, there ain't no fire, Mac n' Ah are smokin' weed up here. Want a hit?"
Granny looked down at Applejack's big grin and pink, glassy eyes, then up to Big Macintosh's. He just shrugged and held out the enormous bong. For a second, there was so much tension (and smoke) in the air that you could cut it with a knife, but then something the siblings would never forget for the rest of their lives happened.
"Eh, what the hay. Give it here, Sonny." She spat out her teeth and pressed her deflated mouth to the end of the bong. Big Macintosh instinctively held the candle out to light it, not really realizing that he was doing so. Granny pulled and pulled, filled the chamber to the top with opaque white smoke, but she kept breathing. Her cheeks inflated, and filled all the extra room from missing teeth with just that much more smoke. She cleared the bong herself, showing more dexterity in her body than she normally fronted, and held the hit a while. Then that while turned to nearly two full minutes. By the time Granny Smith exhaled, there wasn't even any smoke left.
"Hooooo Doggy! That's some quality cannabis you kids got."
"Holy horseapples, Granny. Ah didn't know you partook!" Applejack said after regaining the courage to speak.
"Psh, you kiddin'? Y'think it's easy runnin' a farm when you can't lift a pitchfork anymore? Plus you try knitting five hundred pairs of socks for you and all yer kin sober."
"Ah was so worried you were gonna be pissed when you opened that door, Granny." Big Mac said, the smile returning to his big, heavy face.
"Hah, 'bout this?" She said and pointed to the enormous pipe. "Nawh, Ah was high this afternoon when I made you clean the floor for two hours. Ah just didn't think y'all would approve, so Ah had to pretend Ah's goin' senile. Honestly Ah was just afraid you two were rollin' in this here hay. That's why ah came up here. I don't want no slackjawed inbred grandkids, y'hear?" Granny Smith took another hit and sat down on the hay bale after she spoke.
Applejack and Big Macintosh both blushed intensely and looked at each other, then back at Granny Smith. They simultaneously grinned said the only thing they could think of at that moment.
"Eeeeeyup."