I looked like a mountain man.

I sat in Celestia's bathroom, slowly eviscerating myself with a straight razor. "How the fuck are you supposed to work with this?!" I tried to bring the blade back against my throat. "I-- No, fuck this!" I tossed it into the sink and stepped back. "I'm not killing myself!"

A pony Celestia had sent to help me clean up laughed. "So, you going to let me or not?"

I swung myself around. "You shut your gay mouth!" I pointed at him and leaned towards him. "You shut up...."

The fay stallion rolled his eyes. "Oh please boy, you'd be blessed if I opened my mouth for you."

I felt a shiver run up my right arm. "No...."

The stallion walked over and pulled the razor out with his magic. "At any rate, this is just a mess I want nothing to do with. The hair, I can deal, the rest is for somepony with patience like a stone." He poked my leg with his horn until I turned around. "Now what are we doing here? What's the plan?" He walked around to my back. "Can I shave this? It's rather light and probably--"

I leaned my head around. "Don't you fucking talk about my ass!"

"Oh just shut up and hold still. Think of something happy and don't flinch." I stared straight ahead as something dangerously sharp dragged against my skin. "Oh dear...what a mess. I'm going to have to take some time with this." I flexed my fingers around the edge of the sink, watching my own face flinch as the stallion went to work. "This isn't really that bad, but that bush on your front is going to be a challenge. Probably save that for the last."

I let out a groan as the stallion finished up. "Jesus cumblasted Christ...." I turned to face him. "That was--"

"Clean, very clean." He pushed me aside and rinsed off the blade. "It honestly wasn't that bad, but I'll say it is interesting just shaving to bare skin. Usually it's a lot more difficult with ponies, griffons don't mind too much, but you, you it's just rip and go!" He laughed and looked me over. "Hmm, I need scissors. I'll be back." The stallion turned away, his short cut tail showing off his bare asshole and balls. I stared with a deep frown.

I looked down to my foot. "Man, that would feel good." I kicked about where it would hit him. "Smash--bam--boom." I stepped to the side and watched the stallion rummage around a drawer in the corner. "Just one kick, square in the sac. Taint smash." I grunted and kicked again. "Still violent."

The stallion turned back to me with a pair of scissors hanging on his coat. "I'd rather you didn't. My colt seems too like them, and I'd imagine he'd be pretty mad if they got irreparably damaged."

I grunted and watched as he pulled a stool down from under the sink. "Eh, you don't use em."

"I do, give my colt a tasty--"

"Oh don't...." I shook my head. "Just don't. Please."

"Well, don't threaten my balls." The stallion patted the seat. "Sit, we'll see what we can't clean up."

I huffed and plopped down. The seat felt rough. "Did you really have to use that thing on my ass?"

The stallion shrugged and pulled my beard out. "It was like a white peach, and I figured being fuzzy in the wrong places wasn't exactly all that appeal for the mares." He pulled a comb through my beard. "Dear Celestia, this thing is coarse. Do you never wash it?"

"My beard!? No."

The stallion grimaced as his comb got caught. "It show- oh-oh no! What is this!?" He tugged a few more times, pulling at my neck. "Oh dear Celestia, it's metal!"

I pressed my fingers against the knot. "What the hell is it?" I dug against it and pulled, ripping out a bunch of my neckbeard as it came off. I pulled the nub up into view. A bright brass casing sat with tangled light brown hair weaved around it. "Oh, what the fuck?" I laughed and looked at the spent bullet. "How the shit?"

The stallion pressed his tongue against the back of his teeth, his gap showing off majorly as he did. "That was disgusting."

"Man, I don't even know how that got in there." I tossed it aside, sending the stallion flailing after it.

"Oh don't throw it on the floor!" He pranced after it and picked it up with his magic. He slammed it into a bin and walked back over. "That was so disgusting, how do you not feel that?!" He stuck his tongue between his teeth and shook his head. "Dear Luna, I've heard you were an ass, a mean pony, and just generally uncomfortable to be around, but that took the cake and ran with it!" He cringed and shivered. "Now I have to slice this thing back."

"Just don't--"

The stallion slipped the razor against my neck, sheering away a mass of hair smooth as could be. "No, you shut up, you lost your talking privileges when you pulled that out of your beard!" He made a strange gurgling noise and forced my chin up wit his hoof. "You're like a rat, just a scraggly gross rat." He bit his tongue, the tooth gap still painfully apparent. "It's alright, I'll make something presentable out of you."

I sat there and huffed, looking at the roof as he sliced away my beard. The comb returned to straighten my beard before he snipped away. "Don't shave it all--"

"I know how to cut a beard. I've been doing it long enough." He cocked his head. "Nothing better than a mare coming in with mane colored stubble, and I've got to make it disappear."

I coughed. "Mares grow--"

"Not nearly as much, but yes." He rubbed my neck with the back side of his comb. "There, no more neckbeard, goodbye rat." He collected my hair with his magic and tossed it into a bin. "See, this already doesn't look to bad." He combed out my facial beard and sighed. "Let's see how this looks trimmed, don't want a foal faced stallion, do we?"

I groaned and let the gay pony work. "Sure, just clean it up."

The stallion hummed to himself as he focused on one side of my face. "Birthmarks? Moles? Anything? Lumps?"

"No." I scratched my knee. "Just ugly--"

"It's not so bad. I could see a mare popping her tail for you. I mean, not many, someschoolfilly perhaps, looking for a rough and tumble stallion to piss off their daddies." He laughed. "Unless you twist the other way, I'd imagine you'd get a lot more young stallions looking for somepony fuzzy to--"

"I'll take that razor from you--"

"And cut my balls off, yes yes, bark bark, roar roar." He laughed and cut down my beard to shape around my face instead of sticking out with sheer bushiness. "You're really rather toothless, aren't you?"

I glared down at him. "No, ask the pony I put into the hospital--"

"But did you do it on purpose." He smiled at me and nodded. "I can't--"

"Mostly on purpose. Scared the shit out of me and got punched for it."

"Oh." The stallion shook his head and went back to trimming. "Well, you don't seem all that physically violent now."

I watched the scissors come under my nose. They trembled lightly as he snipped away my mustache. "I've been trying to tone it down."

The stallion scoffed. "Well, worked for me." He stepped back and combed out my beard, the teeth of the comb finally touching my skin. "I can't really imagine you actually hurting me."

"Why?!" I jumped up and held my arms out. "Am I not scary!?"

The stallion coughed and pointed his comb to my pubes. "Probably something to do with the afro on your sheath."

I looked down. "That's...I don't have a sheath."

The stallion licked his lips. "So...is it small or do I need to get a pair of shears?"

I made a rather annoyed face and held my hands up. "Fuck you."

"No thanks." He laughed and pointed to the mirror. "I trimmed one side, just to see what it would look like."

I turned and looked myself over. My right side was clean, my beard neatly trimmed but still left with some depth. It conformed around my jaw and was lifted up neatly against my chin. I ran my hand over it, it was soft and ever so slightly prickly. My neck was perfectly clean, sheered down until you could see my paper white skin again. "Huh, not bad--"

"You expected it to be bad?" The stallion walked around beside me. "How rude." He slapped the arch of my back with his tail. "Put some faith in me, I've been cutting hair for years now."

I rubbed the other side of my face, the neck clean but the beard long and rough. "Don't start, just clean this up."

The stallion laughed as I sat down. "It looks good, right?" He waggled his tail and went to clean up my face. "So, can I ask what you think of Equestria?"

I sighed and tapped my foot on the ground. "It's safe."

"And?" The stallion quickly snipped and sheared my beard. "Come on, you've been here a month or so, I was there on the street when you ran, and you seem a lot more calm since then."

I sighed as the stallion finished up and combed my beard. "I haven't seen much outside of the castle. Every single pony doesn't wear clothes, so I've had a lot to jerk off to--"

"Really?" The stallion stepped back and started chuckling. "That's what you bring up?"

I shrugged. "I've seen so much pussy and asshole, it's not even funny. The castle staff have this outfit that flits up when their tails move." I stood up and turned to the mirror. "Gonna get the hair or no?"

"Oh, yes, that mane needs to degrease." He walked around and pushed me towards the stool again. "and I've seen the maid uniform, it is a bit much isn't it?"

I grumbled. "It's not that bad, but even if ponies wear shirts, they don't wear pants, and it makes it even more apparent!" I held my arms out. "I mean, what the fuck!? It's fucking freezing, gonna lose your balls if it gets any colder--"

The stallion walked around behind me and went to work. "Oh I know, if I wasn't at the castle today I'd be in a pair of pajamas and snuggled up for the day."

"I don't-- Oh...no mullet."

The stallion leaned around. "Mullet?"

I put my hand against my neck. "Cut it to here--"

"I can see where it grows in! I'm not a dumb." He went back to cutting. "I'll call my apprentice over if you keep this up."

I felt the comb dig against my scalp. "Look, I don't know! I've been stuck here with horse people, I'm losing my mind!"

"Well, talk about it." The stallion started trimming. "I'm listening, ratty dog that you are."

I tapped my fingers on my knee. "It's just weird. It's too quiet, and I keep getting looks when I walk around the castle."

"Do they say anything?"

"I don't listen." I rubbed my neck, now smooth and soft. "They kinda just keep quiet."

"Do you talk to them?"

"Fuck no!"

"Then start." The stallion walked around to my front. "Just, try and be nice, or find ponies that are like you. Go try the guards."

I slipped my hand from my throat to the back of my head. It was clean and neat. "I guess--"

"Well, if that doesn't work, try the Iron Shod." He finished up with my head and stepped back. "It's a stallion's only bar--"

"Fuck you--"

"Still not interested." He tucked his tools away and looked me over. "But it's a stallion's only bar, and if you can stand a few horny stallions I'm sure you'd be welcome."

I turned to him. "You serious? Like...are you actually--"

"Yes." The stallion nodded and swept up my hair up with his magic. "Or, just go out and find somepony to talk to. I'm just giving you places to look--"

"I talk with Celestia...."

The stallion scoffed. "One. Maybe it's a princess, but still, woohoo, one!" He waggled a hoof in the air. "That's great! Such a large group of diverse friends--"

"What's your name?" I stood up and stretched.

The stallion smiled. "Sharps."

"Two. Two ponies. No, three! A bat pony at the track!"

The stallion laughed and pulled his scissors out. "Well, there's a place to look. I've talked with them, and they don't seem particularly well adjusted, seems like a perfect fit." He snipped at my groin. "A bunch of social cripples and a violent ass ho-whoaaaaa." He stepped back and rubbed his face. "Oh, that wasn't what I was expecting." He grew a bit pink and caught his breath. "Oh dear, um...I'll leave that to you."

I stared at him. "You just dropped--"

"I did." He closed his eyes and started laughing. "I was expecting something small."

"Fuck you." My voice was painfully calm and slightly playful, my fuck you landing with the impact of a pillow. "I've got to have something going for me! It's sure as hell not my head...."

The stallion laughed and tucked his tools away. "Give it some time, I'm sure your stay will give you some calm time to figure out what you have going for you." He coughed and turned to the empty bath. "Is it you or are your kind--"

"Me...." I waved my hand over her head. "Took it from up here and put it down there."

Sharps cocked his head. "I'm sorry?"

"One-seven-four centi." I rubbed my head. "The average is about one-eight-one." I scratched my head. "Shit hit the fan about fifty years back, and you can see the average height skyrocket, at least those were the people they studied. People who could eat often grew up really tall, people who couldn't stayed short." I scratched my stomach. "I could eat a lot, I just never really got too tall."

Sharps hummed and carefully stood up on two hooves. He met me about mouth level with his head. "Your people must be big--"

"The ones who survived were." I rubbed my arm. "Nothing like being the shortest person on forward recon, it's great." I stretched my neck. "I don't know, maybe it's just the recon that was tall."

Sharps pointed to the mirror. "Did you want to check out--"

"Hey, we're fucking talking here." I sat down and adjusted myself. "Recon was a bunch of the quickest and strongest we could find, scouts and snipers all of them--"

Sharps coughed. "Should I get a chair?"

I shrugged. "I guess? I'm supposed to meet Celestia later, so why not."

Sharps shrugged. "Fine by me. But I get to talk too."

"Fine, hurry the hell up then." I sat there and flicked my nose. "Below average...fucking--" I grumbled to myself. Bad memories of basic training flooded back. "Bullshit."

The stallion walked back with a stool. "Well, you might need a step ladder, but I'm sure you'll make some mare lucky."

I huffed. "Most mares are about stomach height with their back, hit about my chest or ribs with their head. Celestia? I don't know...probably going to have to find a stool or something to stand on."

Sharps cringed. "Are you really going to--"

"I don't know." I rubbed my face. "She's nice...we talk a lot, like every freaking day, but I'm gonna end up having to say goodbye and it's--"

"Well, live in the moment." Sharps sat down, his white coat jostling with his tools. "Just don't talk about it. Ponies might get a bit uppity if they find out you bedded the princess."

I rubbed my neck. "I'm not going to complain, and she's not exactly as super nice as you'd expect."

Sharps lowered his head and stared at me. "Pardon?"

I grunted. "Nothing...probably not my place to talk about that shit." I rubbed my nose. "We talk a lot about things you wouldn't think she would talk about."

Sharps hummed. "Hmm, you'll have to tell me if you get the chance."

I rubbed my arms. "Probably gonna be pretty busy for a while."

Sharps laughed. "Princess' new pet, I'd imagine you'd have a lot of new duties."

I sighed and stood up. "I don't know. I might just say no."

Sharps shrugged and shifted in his seat. "Well if it makes you feel better, ask her about her other husbands--"

"She told me." I rubbed my arm. "But, they're dead, and Celestia's family tree is about as big as a grand oak, so I mean...I'm not exactly super special."

Sharps shrugged. "Fifty fifty, she's a beautiful mare, a nice mare, but always stay humble my friend--"

"What do I have to be proud about?"

Sharps coughed and pointed at my groin. "That corker."

"Eh."

"Bigger than my colt's."

"Eh." I shook my head. "It's not like it matters much. She's a horse so I mean...I'm already a lot--"

"She's not loose...and screw you for--"

"I meant size wise." I crossed my arms. "Besides, aren't most horses supposed to be big? Just so they can reach--"

"Maybe where you're from." Sharps sighed and rubbed his chin. "My colt is...he's cute, wouldn't be around if he wasn't."

"Rough life for a horse with a small dick."

Sharps rolled his eyes. "Oh he moans the same when i stick it in--"

"Fucking-- Gross."

"Oh, and you talking about bending the princess over isn't? You brought it here."

I cocked my head. "Yeah, but I'm straight. Gays...eh, I don't--"

"Does me busting a warm load into a tight colt ass bother you?"

I felt a shiver run up my back. "Yes. Two males going at it will always gross me out!"

Sharps grunted. "Well, are you going to get all mad when I talk about my colt?"

"If you're talking about fucking him in the ass!"

"Fine." Sharps pointed at me. "You don't talk about it, I won't."

"Fine...." I coughed into my wrist. "It's gonna be interesting tonight."

Sharps laughed. "Oh, interesting? It's winter wrap up, if you're not hunkering down with a pony at your side, you should get the piss out of Canterlot!" He laughed. "Go down to Ponyville, join in the bumpkin parade." Next Chapter: Dinner Estimated time remaining: 15 Minutes