Chapter 26

I stumble my way down the hallway, trying to hurry away from where I've been "interrogating" the CIA agent. I suddenly feel weak, my legs barely holding me upright. My anger has helped me keep it together for this long, but it has finally given way. I manage to get into my room, and close the door, before my control slips completely. I collapse onto the bed and break down. I bury my face in the pillow, quieting my sobs so that no one outside can hear me. I can't control my body anymore; I thrash about wildly.

What have I done? What have I done?!

It had been easy to ignore my misgivings during the mission. It had been all too easy to fall back onto my combat reflexes. All too easy to... kill.

What am I becoming? I killed them. Killed them all! For what? For who? To rescue somepony? Ha! He didn't need rescuing! He was happy to be going back to Russia! He sure as shit didn't want our help. We shouldn't have even been there! We were following orders... Just like Chris was following orders... I'm no different than he is. What the hell is wrong with me? How could I have done this?

I regain some control of myself, my sobs abating. Somewhere during my internal rant, I've lost my humanoid form. As I quiet, my ears prick up. I hear crying that isn't my own. Is... is that Lightning Dust? I wonder. By force of will, I pick myself up off the bed and go in search of my love.

I follow the sounds of grief down the hall, becoming more sure that it's Dust the further I travel. I hoof open her door, to find her sobbing uncontrollably on her bed, between Mindy and Trixie. I rush to her side, and pick her up in my arms. I stroke her mane and back with my hand as she sobs into my shoulder.

"I killed a human. I killed, Irony. He's dead, because of my actions! I've failed!" she cries.

All I can do is hold her. I understand her pain, all too well, but I can't share it with her right now. I hold her, and caress her, making nonsensical soothing noises.

In time, she calms down. I set her back onto the bed, fall back down to all fours, and climb up next to her on the mattress. Dust is the first to fall asleep, but it's not long after that I succumb to the inviting darkness.

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In my dream, I watch myself murder the Russian soldiers over, and over, and over. Every replay shoves me further down into the hole of depression. Every replay I look more, and more, savage when I strike.

I feel myself being lifted and pulled away from the tableau, while it fades away.

"Come away from that. Nothing good can come from reliving those actions," Moon Shadow's voice washes over me, filled with love.

I cringe away from the beautiful emotion in her voice, "Don't look at me. I've done so many horrible things."

"I see what you've done. Far better than what you yourself can see," she whispers, swaddling my consciousness in her love.

I resist, "No, you don't. If you truly saw, then you would hate me! I murdered those men!"

"You really think so?"

"Of course I did! They didn't deserve to die. I attacked them!"

"And why did you attack? What was your reason for being there?" she asks me, gently.

I sniffle, "We came to rescue that unicorn. Who didn't even need rescuing! We neve--"

"Stop," she interrupts. "Did you know he didn't want to be rescued? Did you have any inkling that he wasn't in danger?"

"No, but--"

"No buts! You acted on the information you were given. You were doing what you thought was right. You were wrong, but not willfully. You had no reason to doubt that he was in danger. Tell me, can you honestly say that, with the knowledge you had at the beginning, that you would have done anything differently?" she assaults my self-deprecation with extreme prejudice.

"Well, no... But it doesn't matter. That pony is dead, because of me!"

"No. You cannot take upon yourself responsibility for another's actions."

"He was following his orders. As I was following mine. I'm no different."

"Really? Are you so certain you aren't different? Would you have followed orders to kill that mage, if you couldn't convince him to go with you?" she glares at me.

"No!" I almost shout, the idea is abhorrent to me.

"See? You are different. You follow orders that make sense to you. You question ones that don't. I've never known you to blindly follow someone else's command, not even when you were in active service. Don't you see the difference?"

"Y-yes. Yes, I do," I'm feeling a little more sure of myself, now. "But... what will Dust think of me when she finds out? She's so torn up about having killed that one soldier, and I've killed so many..." I tear up anew.

"I've already visited Dust's dream. Her anguish drew me to her, as yours drew me to you. I've managed to calm her dreams down some, though she's still quite upset. I think her problem is less to do with having killed, as that it was an accident. That, coupled with what she sees as her failure to save the unicorn you went there for, is eating at her terribly. She won't judge you for your actions, you'll see. She loves you, like I love you, no matter what," Moon Shadow wraps her hooves around me, using her strength with dreams to infuse me with her love. She gets a faraway look in her eyes for a moment, then snaps her focus back to me, "Dust is waking up, she needs you right now, Irony. And you need her. Go, take care of each other, and return to me as soon as possible!"

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With that, the dream fades away, and I'm left lying awake in the bed. Dust quietly climbs out of our pony-pile, heading to the bathroom. I carefully extricate myself, leaving Mindy and Trixie still asleep, and walk beside Dust once she's out of the restroom.

"I need to see him," she says in a hushed tone.

I don't even need to ask who she's talking about. I simply nod and lead her to where the pony-murderer is being held.

She proceeds to question him, in a gentler manner than I already had. She gets to hear the same song that I'd already heard, namely that they were just following orders. His answer doesn't seem to satisfy her any more than it had me, though she seems to accept it.

Having asked her questions, she gestures to me, and I follow her out of the room. There she informs me that she's going to fly home under her own power.

"Dust, are you sure? I know you're pretty upset about killing that soldier, but you reacted exactly how your training dictated," I try to reason with her.

"Huh? What are you talking about?" she asks, bewildered.

"I keep forgetting that you aren't military, like I am. You behave a lot like an ex-military man. You were never in the armed forces here. Back home you were a Wonderbolt, but those memories haven't fully surfaced, have they?" I smile to take any sting out of my words. She nods, sits back on her haunches, and gives me serious eyes.

"Dust, a big part of our training in the military, both on earth and back in Equestria, is to teach your body to react automatically. Automatic reactions are much, much quicker than considered actions. If you saw a soldier point a gun at you, without the proper conditioning, you would have frozen up as your mind tried to make sense of the situation. You would be dead right now. Instead, you didn't freeze. You reacted exactly as you needed to. You did good, Dust. Real good," I explain.

She dashes tears from her eyes with a hoof, "I killed a man!"

"And you're here to talk about it. It could have easily been the other way around, but your training and reflexes saved you," I punch her lightly in the shoulder, "I'd have you at my six any day."

She plasters a fake smile on her muzzle, and walks to the door. I realize that I can't fix her right now. Not that I'm one to be talking... I think to myself sadly.

Upon reaching the door, she looks back at me, "I'll race you guys back to Montana!" She leaps out the door, taking to the sky in a burst of speed that rattles the windows of the safe house.

* * *

It's a somber crew that boards the plane headed back home. We've left the dynamic duo behind, mostly because I'm afraid that Mindy will kill the CIA agents if they're locked in an enclosed space together for that many hours. She started muttering to herself, and giving Chris the most scary looks I've ever seen, the moment she saw him again after her nap. I made sure to keep her away from him after she whispered something in his ear and he turned white as a sheet. I was worried for a little bit that his heart would stop, he looked so scared. When I asked her what she'd said, she just gave me a smile more evil than I could have imagined ever being on her face, and told me it wasn't any of my business.

Conversation is in short supply as the jet claws its way into the air. A mission that ends the way ours did kind of puts a damper on things like that.

I sit in silence for a long time, thinking about my life. About my lives, actually. All three of them. The more I ponder my life in Equestria, the more memories I recall. There are still a lot of gaps, but I'm getting a broader picture of what I was like. I remember a lot of violence; it seems that I was always throwing myself into the fray. I always had a good reason, but now I wonder if my reasons were more of an excuse... Did I fight for the good cause? Or did I fight for other, darker, reasons?

My musings are interrupted by the chiming of my phone. I look at the new message. It's from Dust, she's already across the Atlantic, in the U.S. I shake my head at her speed, Damn that's fast, we're not even clear of Europe yet! Her message goes on to say that instead of heading directly to Montana, she's going to visit her family at her parents' home in Texas for a few days. I can't blame her. If my parents were still alive, I'd visit them right about now... I wonder what they would think of their son becoming their daughter...

Thinking about my parents, I slip into unconsciousness.

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"Twilight!" I scream her name, frantically searching, "Twilight!"

Racing through the streets of Ponyville, I continue to call for the purple Alicorn, my heart threatening to pound its way out of my chest with every second that passes without me finding her.

The local guard continent, all three of them, plus Lyra Heartstrings, follow in my wake. The gurds' chests pump like great bellows, though Lyra seems less affected by our stampede through town.

"Irony!" Lyra calls urgently, pointing off to our left.

I glance in the direction she's indicating, then careen through a turn in that direction, my hooves throwing up four neat little divots of compacted soil in my haste. Finishing my turn, I get a better look at what she's noticed: purple and green flashes. I pour on all the speed I can muster, quickly leaving the guards behind, but not Lyra. Somehow, the lithe little unicorn is keeping up with me.

I nod to her in respect, she returns it, and we race to Twilight's castle, neck and neck the whole way.

We arrive to find the entire structure engulfed in changelings. Lowering my head, I charge into their midst, immediately bowling over several of the creatures that are huddled together. Turning to strike at them with both my frong and back hooves, I catch sight of Lyra making a magic enhanced leap into another crowd of them. She strikes out with her hooves and magic equally, every blast from her horn leaving behind a smoking corpse, every hoofstrike a dented or cracked carapace.

She may not have my brute strength, but she makes up for it in her skills, I realize as my hoof comes down, crushing another of the bugs' thick shells.

The horde of changelings seems stunned by the ferocity of our attack, and we're able to make a lot more headway than I would have ever expected, before they start to react.

Their reaction, though delayed, makes up for it in anger. They stand their ground, and fire bursts of energy at me, as a cohesive unit. I dive, dodging some of their blasts, but still feel several of them strike glancing blows to my enchanted armor. Rolling out of my dive, I flick out the blades on my hoofguards with a twist of my hooves. I strike out viciously, dropping two of the five in my group before they can fire again. The remaining three fire frantically as they try to retreat, most of their shots missing wide, though a few do find their mark, further reducing the enchantments that the metal is impregnated with.

I bellow loud enough that two of them clap their hooves over their sensitive ears, allowing me to lash out with my hoofblades. Greasy green ichor spurts from their throats. I twist to catch the last one in this group, intending to give chase. Instead, I find my quarry standing steady, its horn charged and glowing. It unleashes the pent-up power before I can close the distance. The putrescent green ball slams into my chest like a sledgehammer, knocking me back. I hear the changeling's cry of triumph as I slide across the floor on my back.

I look down at my chest, expecting to find a gaping hole. Instead of a massive wound in my chest, I find my armor cratered and partially melted away. Evidently, the remaining enchantment on it was just enough to save me from an early grave, though I can tell that it is depleted now.

Shaking my head, I stagger to my hooves. I look up in time to see the satisfied smirk slip off the arrogant bug's face.

"You should be dead!" it screams.

"Trust me, I'm just as surprised as you are," I reply, dashing and rolling to close the distance before it can strike again, already knowing that the distance is too far. This time, I know, my luck has run out.

Its horn charging, the creature grins anew, sharing in the knowledge of my impending doom.

Just as it is about to discharge its power, the grin freezes on its face, the glow fades from its horn, and its head slowly slides off its body.

I feel my mind separate from the motions of my body, a powerful force drawing me away from the memory I've been playing out.

"Thou art filled with troublesome dreams, of late," intones a voice I recognize from out of the darkness that now surrounds me.

Kneeling, I bow my head, "Princess Luna. You honor me with your notice."

She snorts, "We do nothing of the sort. We but do our given task, taking care of ponies' dreams. We have been drawn to you, though we stayed our hoof because we saw another watching over you. As you are alone now, we thought we should check on you again."

"I deserve my nightmares," I reply gravely.

"Somehow I doubt that. Not very many ponies deserve to be plagued with those kinds of dreams," she states firmly.

"I have come to doubt my own motives. Why do I fight? I'm worried that I may enjoy killing, as I seem to always be neck deep in it. Just like in this memory I've been reliving. You see how I revel in the destruction I cause?" my voice is empty of emotion, I have fed them into the flame in my mind, leaving me floating in the void.

"That is not what I see at all. I see a pony who can act, so feels compelled to do so, to save others. Here, look," she brings up the memory, playing it back to when I first attack the changelings, "do you look happy to be attacking? Not to me. Look at your face."

I study the vision of myself before me, and see that she is right. I don't look happy. Determined, but not happy. Not in the slightest. I don't look excited, I don't even look angry. My face seems to be saying that I will conquer this obstacle, because I must.

"Princess, you haven't changed this in any way? Are you certain?" I ask, the void in my mind trembling.

She glares at me for a moment, "Dost thou think we would try to trick you? Thou should know that we would never!"

The void shatters, all the emotions I thought I had banished flooding back. I break down, sobbing into the Princess' shoulder as she wraps a hoof around me, pulling me to her.

It is quite some time before I can regain control, before the fear, shame, self-loathing, and sadness are all spent. I pull back from her a little bit, so that I can look into her eyes. Doing so, I realize for the first time that we are of a height.

"Thank you, Princess, for showing me a glimpse into my own soul. I don't know that I can repay you for your kindness. I never expected to have such self-doubt, but once I did, it was all-consuming."

"You are more than welcome, my little pony. Your motives have ever been pure, though sometimes I worry about your willingness to throw yourself headlong into a fight. That kind of zeal can get you injured," she pauses to smirk at me. "You may not have been originally born a pony, but I've often thought that you may have been born with the soul of one, and that is why you were brought to our world."

My face reddens, "Thank you Princess, for that high praise. I don't know that I deserve it, but I thank you nonetheless."

"You do deserve it, but enough of this. It is time for you to awaken, your flight is at an end," she smiles.

"Might I ask you one question before I go?"

"Certainly, though we do not promise to answer."

"Your accent comes and goes..." I smirk.

She swats me with her tail, "You're terrible! Thou knows that we have the same issue that you do. Our human and pony personalities have had to blend, leaving us with our preferred Royal Canterlot accent only intermittently."

I giggle at her response as I feel myself begin to wake.

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I come awake feeling refreshed, at peace with myself.

"Welcome back to the land of the living, sleepyhead!" Mindy greets me, her mane having regained its usual bounce at some point during the flight.

"Good to be back. What did I miss?" I ask, stretching my legs and back.

"Not much, though you slept for the entire flight. How did you manage that?" she bounces around, making it hard for me to keep my eyes on her.

"Just lucky, I guess," I reply, forcefully turning my head to look out the window as the plane lands, unable to watch her any longer.

"While you were asleep, Soarin called me to let us know that the government stooges have moved in, as per our agreement. They're already asking to see Dustie, even though you'd think they'd already know where she's at, since they sent us on these missions.

"Yeah, that is interesting," I mutter, only half paying attention. My mind is a thousand miles away, thinking about Dust. My lips turn up at the corners slightly as I think of her face. I hope that we can help her with her demons...