The day, which had not started off very well, had gone terribly wrong and had somehow become worse. This morning, there had been a much awaited eviction notice. Most of his possessions had been repossessed as he had been unable to pay his bills. Everything in life had gone wrong.

Malesco Vino had been a young man living on the edge.

And then a situation happened that had somehow made everything worse. While he was out looking for work, a homeless fellow with strange red and yellow eyes had asked him for change. Malesco honestly had nothing to give, but the homeless guy became rather insistent about getting something. Malesco had felt pretty bad about the whole event at that point, because he was going to be homeless as well, rather soonish. An argument had started. Malesco had protested that he had no change to spare.

Unsatisfied with the answer, the homeless fellow announced that perhaps Malesco needed some change, and, before Malesco could protest, the homeless fellow had snapped his fingers.

And Malesco was now here, wherever here was. Ahead of him was a village of Tudor style homes with odd thatched roofs. He was feeling very confused and disoriented, and his head ached slightly.

Rubbing his head, he walked forward towards the strange village, crossed a bridge, and froze when he saw three little somethings. They resembled little horses, but were impossible colours for equines. One was white, and he could swear that it had a horn. One was yellowish, and had a giant hair bow. And one was orange and had wings.

He froze and stared.

The three odd little creatures stared back and a mutual exchange of wide eyed staring took place. Eventually, the three little creatures decided the exchange was over and then began to scream as loud as they could, leaving poor Malesco feeling very, very confused.

The little equines split and other equines, slightly larger and every bit as garish, began to gather. They looked at him curiously.

He raised his hands, trying desperately to look innocuous, and failed utterly. At the sight of his raised hands, the crowd began to shriek in alarm, and many of them took off running, the herd of small equines stampeding in all directions to escape.

And then, a new challenge presented itself as one of the strange equines charged at him, wearing a cowboy hat and wielding a lasso. A cowboy hat and a lasso… He watched in wide eyed awe as the tiny horse moved in with surprising speed, the lasso flying through the air, circling around him, and then suddenly going taught around his ankles. He fell and hit his head as the rope jerked, landing with a thump, and the entire world went dark as he felt the rope tighten around his legs.

---

“I think it, whatever it is, is coming around.”

The voice seemed educated and cultured.

Malesco realised he was cocooned in rope. He was completely unable to move, and began to panic. He was also blindfolded.

“Please, remain calm, we do not want to actually hurt you, but we had to make sure that you were not going to hurt us.”

“I don’t want to hurt anyone,” Malesco announced to his captors, his panic building. “Look, I am very claustrophobic and these ropes are going to set me off and I really don’t want to hurt anyone but in a few moments I am not going to be myself anymore and you are going to get a bad impression of me!”

Just as the panic began to really sink in, the ropes were simply gone and Malesco felt a weird tingle all over his skin. His hands free, he slowly reached up and removed his blindfold.

He was staring eye to eye with a strange little horse creature that had both wings and a horn. He felt light headed. Sitting on the floor, he was eye level with the tiny horse, and the two beings stared at one another. Malesco turned away.

“Why did you turn away?” the strange winged horned little horse asked.

“It is rude to stare…” Malesco replied.

“Hmm,” the tiny horse replied.

“I mean you no harm,” Malesco promised. “Look, I am pacifist. I don’t believe in violence, and I am a great big chicken.”

“You do not look like a chicken,” the strange lavender coloured equine responded.

“Well no…”

“I was trying to make a joke,” the equine interrupted. “My name is Twilight Sparkle, and I think we can be friends.”

Malesco looked up. “Twilight Sparkle?” he asked, looking thoughtful. “My name is Malesco Vino.”

“I told you he’s harmless!” a shrill voice chirped. A second later, Malesco found himself pinned to the floor, being squeezed almost to death by a little pink equine that threatened to crush him. He squirmed and tried to get away, but that only made the little pink horse squeeze harder.

Finally, she squeezed too much and Malesco farted.

The little pink horse let go and stared for a moment, and then fell over on the floor giggling madly, pointing with her hoof and then guffawing.

“Well, he ain’t that much different than us I reckon,” an orange little horse said. “Pinkie Pie, why’d you have to go and squeeze the breeze out of him?”

Malesco recognised the orange horse. “You roped me,” he cried, rubbing his head. “I fell down and hit my head because of you!”

“You scared my sister something awful,” the orange horse replied. “And call me Applejack.”

“What are you?” Malesco asked.

“Why, we’re ponies,” Twilight Sparkle replied.

“And there is a dragon around here too, but he is off doing errands,” Applejack said. “The one that squeezed you near to death is Pinkie Pie.”

“D-d-d-d-d-dragon?” Malesco stammered.

“I am Rarity,” a little white pony with a horn said. “And the dragon is mostly harmless, don’t worry.”

“Harmless dragon,” Malesco muttered.

“Call me Rainbow Dash,” a little blue pony with wings and a rainbow mane said, striking a pose.

“And that is Fluttershy,” Rarity said, pointing at a butter yellow pony with wings who was hiding behind her pink mane.

Before Malesco could take it all in, he was assaulted once again by the little pink pony, who began to crush him in another hug. “We’re so happy to meet you!” she cried, squeezing with alarming intensity.

“Pinkie Pie! He’s claustrophobic!” I don’t think you’re helping!” Twilight Sparkle cried in exasperation.

Pinkie Pie let go and looked very disappointed. “I am sorry,” she said, looking heartbroken. “I get a little carried away sometimes,” she admitted.

“I don’t know what to do to make you feel better,” Malesto confessed. “I almost reached out and began to pet you, but then I thought that might be insulting.”

“Aww, you’re sweet! You worry about hurting somepony’s feelings!” Pinkie Pie chirped, bouncing in place.

“What are you?” Twilight Sparkle said bluntly.

“I am human,” Malesco replied.

“Huh, I wonder if Princess Celestia knows about what you are,” Twilight replied. “You seem harmless, so I am not going to confine you.”

“Thank you,” Malesco answered, folding his legs and sitting cross legged.

“Now we need to figure out what to do with you!” Pinkie Pie quipped.

Ponies. Ponies everywhere. And one dragon. Malesco had no idea what to do. At least he was living in a friendly nightmare. This was certainly an odd place. There were lots of things for human hands and even things made for humans, but there were no humans. And none of the ponies seemed to know what a pony was. There were minotaurs though, and they had hands. And fingers.

His first night had been spent in the basement of the library tree. It was now the second day, and Malesco was trying to work up the courage to go upstairs. He was supposed to meet somebody named Princess Celestia today and there was supposed to be some sort of party.

Pinkie Pie was throwing the party. She had been the last pony to leave home for the night. She had stayed until it was nearly midnight, asking a million questions, being something of a nuisance, and doing everything she could to make Malesco feel better. The pink pony had balloons on her backside, which Malesco found odd. Most ponies had marks on their backsides. Some kind of brand.

They were sapient creatures, most of whom were naked, and some of them wore clothing. Which was very puzzling. They understood the concepts of nudity and modesty, at least some of them did anyway. Everything about their society seemed puzzling.

Malesco had never been bothered by seeing animals naked, he had never really noticed, but these ponies were different. They talked. Had thoughts. Had feelings. And they were naked. All around him was the exposed genitalia of sapient creatures.

Everything felt dirty.

---

Pony tubs and pony showers were entirely too small. This was a problem. All around him there were ponies that stood at waist height, nose to crotch, and he was worried about getting a little ripe down there. Malesco wasn’t the tallest person back on his world, and he understood all to well walking around at nose to armpit level. The last thing he needed was a pony sniffing him and telling him he stunk.

He had fled the library, knowing there were bodies of water around here. All he had to do was find a private little stretch of stream or a lake or something. As he strolled through town, ponies watched him curiously. Some waved. He waved back. Others ran and hid. He tried to smile and make as though everything was okay.

His stomach rumbled as he walked. He had slipped out of the library without Twilight Sparkle or her dragon noticing him. He hadn’t eaten anything for a while.

He crossed the bridge, the one he had crossed when entering town, and then followed the stream into the nearby woods. It seemed peaceful enough. There were bees, butterflies, and birds flying everywhere. Everything was serene and calm.

This place was almost a little too perfect.

Finally, he found what appeared to be an ideal spot. The water was deep enough, not too cold, and seemed private enough for a quick dip. He didn’t have any soap, so a clean water scrubbing would have to do.

He took off his clothing, folded it, set it on a rock, and then splashed into the water, which was navel deep. He gasped from the initial feeling of the cool water, but after adjusting, it wasn’t so bad. He squatted down in the water to give himself a good dunk, soaking his hair and his face.

He scrubbed at himself with his hands, trying to at least get a little clean. He was about to meet some princess after all. He felt a little self conscious. His hair hadn’t been trimmed for a while and his sideburns were bushy. He couldn’t grow a proper beard, nothing grew on his chin, but his sideburns were impressive.

“Hi!”

The voice was painfully familiar.

Pinkie Pie stood on on the shore, wearing human clothing, which didn’t fit her very well. She was beaming, a wide smile on her face, her eyes bright with mischief and maybe a little mayhem.

“Your clothes look funny on me,” Pinkie Pie chirped.

“I, uh, need those back if you don’t mind,” Malesco whined.

“You’ll have to catch me,” Pinkie Pie teased.

“No… no no no! Look, I am not comfortable being naked!” Malesco pleaded.

“Well, no time like the present to work on that!” Pinkie Pie quipped. She turned tail and took off running.

“PINKIE PIE!” Malesco screamed, climbing up out of the water. He sputtered with anger and took off running after the laughing mare.

---

It was hard to run with your hands covering your junk Malesco realised as he hit the edge of town, chasing after the pilfering pink pony that had purloined his pants. Ponies stared at him and began to laugh.

Well, at least they aren’t running away scared he said to himself.

Pinkie Pie was much faster than he thought she would be. She boinged away, not really running, more of a stiff legged bounce. She lept over a fence with relative ease and kept going, giggle-snorting with wild abandon.

Malesco had to throw his arms wide to keep his balance as he hurdled the fence, leaving himself terribly exposed. Once he landed, he clutched himself again. A group of the winged ponies sitting on clouds overhead were bellowing with laughter.

“You could have at least left me a sock!” Malesco shouted.

“What fun would there be in that?” Pinkie replied, and then turning around a blowing a raspberry at Malesco.

“When I get my hands on you!” Malesco bellowed.

Pinkie Pie shot under a wagon and then over a pile of hay. Malesco had to go around the wagon and the pile of hay, both hands still firmly covering his dangly bits. The pink pony had gone too far.

“Oh look, the mostly hairless simian creature is chasing Pinkie Pie,” a winged pony shouted.

“Good luck catching her!” Another shouted, snorting derisively. “Nopony in their right mind wants that.”

Ahead of him was a large group of ponies and a large pavilion had been set up. There were streamers and balloons and…

Malesco began to curse as he realised he had followed Pinkie Pie right to his own party, completely and utterly naked. He gritted his teeth and resolved to make the pink pony pay.

He came to a lurching halt, a large white pony with a horn and wings staring at him. She was tall enough to look him in the eye easily.

“Hello Malesco Vino. Twilight Sparkle has told me so much about you,” Princess Celestia said, a faint smile upon her lips.

“Uh, hi. How are you doing? That pony stole my clothes,” Malesco tried to explain.

“Did she now. Do you want to punish her?” Princess Celestia asked, suddenly very serious.

“Well, maybe a little,” Malesco admitted.

“How interesting. Do you want to hurt my little pony?” Princess Celestia questioned.

Oh no Malesco realised. “No, nothing like that, just a few words with her will be just fine,” he whispered, still clutching his junk and now looking miserable. His stomach rumbled.

“Or perhaps you want to eat her for her crimes,” Princess Celestia accused. “Tell me, do you want to have a delicious meal of meat, fresh off of the hoof?”

“Um, -urp- nope, no thank you,” Malesco said, feeling queasy. His stomach lurched and rumbled again.

“You sound hungry. Maybe you just want to carve off a leg and leave her alive. Would that be a bit more to your liking?”

“Ulph, mmmph, nulf hulf,” Malesco gagged. Without warning, he spewed violently all over Princess Celestia. Thankfully his stomach was mostly empty and contained nothing more than bile. He fell to his hands and knees, kneeling before the big white pony.

“I am a vegetarian,” Malesco gasped, and then dry heaved a few times.

Princess Celestia stood unmoving, seemingly unconcerned about being covered in vomit. “I had to make sure Malesco. I am old enough to remember humans here before, and their cruelty. Pinkie Pie stole your clothing because I asked her to goad you into becoming angry somehow. I had to see how you would react,” the large white pony explained.

“I am against harming animals or animal testing… I don’t wear leather, I try not to use any animal byproducts. And no, I am not trying to call you all animals, I am just trying to explain how I am, how I was back home,” Malesco explained, still heaving violently. He felt himself being covered in a blanket. He looked up at Princess Celestia. She was smiling kindly down at him, now somehow clean.

“You are welcome to stay here until such a time we can figure out how to send you home. Should you not want to go home, you are still welcome to stay here. Do not betray my trust. Please. I want to believe that one of your kind can be good,” Princess Celestia proclaimed.

“And now, we can party!” Pinkie Pie chirped. “After we get you cleaned up and dressed again. Want my help?”

“Ugh,” Malesco grunted in reply.