Diamond Tiara Vs Insomnia

by Mattricole

Chapter 1: The Winner is...

Two-thirty in the morning, and still can’t sleep. It’s been like this for weeks now. I lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling. Thinking of nothing in particular. In no time an hour passes, and then two. All of a sudden it’s four-thirty. My eyes are tired, and yet I cannot sleep.

“Maybe you should drink a glass of warm milk?” I ask myself, and grunt. I should really mind my own business. And besides, milk is nasty. It’s only good in milkshakes. Which reminds me, Miss Rarity has delicious milkshakes. Whenever summer vacation comes around, every Saturday she’s out on her lawn, serving all the colts, and fillies, in her yard with free milkshakes.

“Maybe a milkshake would help with getting you to sleep?” I offer, and resist the urge to slap myself. Milkshakes have ice cream. Ice cream has sugar. Sugar keeps one awake. “Maybe you can use sugar-free-”

“Finish that sentence and you die,” I growl, causing myself to shut up. Sugar-free ice cream was invented by demons who have no soul. Anypony who eats sugar-free ice cream deserves nothing but a slow, painful death! If I ever saw anypony using sugar-free ice cream for their milkshakes, I would personally take my father’s knife set and flay them alive. That is how much I hate sugar-free ice cream.


Finally, she, I mean I, finally shut up. Talking to myself is tiring. Huh, tiring? Maybe I can finally fall asleep. I close my eyes. I pretend to snore. I begin to count sheep, just to help with the process. One sheep. Two sheep. Three sheep.

I stop at three hundred and sixty-six. I look at the clock, and it is now five-twenty in the morning. My daddy always wakes me up at six. I have a measly forty minutes left. There is no point in trying anymore.

I get up from my bed and stretch. Might as well get the day started.

It’s one-thirty in the morning, and once again sleep evades me. Even as I lay in bed with my eyes closed, nothing happens. I hear the wind outside my window, the rustling leaves of the trees, and the loud meowing of dumpster cats on my fence.

I might as well not even bother trying. I get up from my bed and sigh to myself. What could I possibly do to pass the time?

“Maybe you could get on the internet?” Huh? That’s a good idea actually. I suppose that makes sense. It is my idea. Any of my ideas are good. Except the sugar-free ice cream. That is a horrible idea, and I should die for even thinking it.

Why do you exist, sugar-free ice cream? Why must you torture young colts and fillies with your bland taste? To keep ponies from getting fat? Maybe they should run more. They don’t need sugar-free ice cream to make them skinny. You have no right to exist.

“Uh...Internet?” Oh, right. I go to my laptop and turn it on. After a minute I’m at the desktop. What? You got a problem with me not using a password? Diamond Dazzle Tiara needs no password! Nopony would dare use her computer without permission! If they did, they would die a slow, agonizing death! One that would shock even sugar-free ice cream!

“Uh...who are you talking to?” None of your business, shut up. Now, what was I doing? Oh, right. Internet. What should I look up? It has to be something boring, possibly bland. Something so boring and lame that no sane pony would find any joy from it…

Welp, guess I’m reading erotic Daring Do fanfiction.

“That’s not nice, Diamond Tiara! Someponies put a lot of effort into those erotic fanfics!” Those ponies need to get a life. Whatever. Let’s see what some of these ponies wrote…

Daring Do and her erotic one night stand? By R. Dash? Oh, jeez, I bet it’s one of those sad self insert stories. Lets see...yup. It’s a sad self insert. And that username, R. Dash? Yeah, wouldn’t be surprised if that’s Ponyville’s chief village idiot. None of these other erotic fanfics look good either, as to be expected, but I’m starting to regret my decision to read these. These won’t cause me to fall asleep. They’ll cause me to kill myself. And to rid the world of Diamond Dazzle Tiara would be a crime against pony kind.

“So, if we’re not reading fanfiction, what will we do?” Huh? I don’t know! Why do you ask so many questions?! Silver Spoon never asks so many questions! She just listens to me, and does what I say...most of the time. And sometimes she denies me things, like her milkshake.

...I really wanted that milkshake. How dare that traitor deny me the delicious milkshake. How dare she force me to go to the ice cream stand and buy it myself. She should have done it for me. I would have paid her back! I should call that traitor! How come I have to stay awake all night while she sleeps comfortably in her bed?! I’ll give her a piece of my mind!

I pick up the phone in my bedroom and stare at the numbers. Three, two, three...I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna call her at two-thirty in the morning. Two, six. She’s four numbers away from waking up! From missing her beauty sleep! Five...Eight...she’s gonna be really mad.. Two… Whatever. I hang up the phone. I can yell at her later. If I actually did wake her up, she’ll probably talk my head off about fashion.

...I miss Silver Spoon. She’s the only pony who truly understands me when I talk. Whenever she comes over we would play with my dolls. I have a lot of dolls. I even had two special order dolls, one that looked exactly like me, and the other one like Silver Spoon. When I showed her, she wanted to keep the one that looked like me, said it would help her sleep at night.

“That’s creepy.” No it’s not! She’s a scaredy cat! Even afraid of the dark. Did you know she still sleeps with her parents sometimes?

“Really? Isn’t she a bit old?” Aren’t you a bit stupid?!

“Sorry. I’m...I’m just really tired, is all.” It-It’s fine. So am I. Sorry for calling you stupid.

“It’s alright, I forgive you.” Right. Anyways, where was I? Oh right. I gave Silver Spoon the doll that looked like me. I had already planned to, anyways. Now we both have a doll of each other, and when she’d come over she would bring doll-me along. We would act like the other. I always made her nerdier than usual! And she would make me out to be some spoiled, obnoxious, brat.

“D-do you want to play with...me?” Huh? You mean, like, with the dolls?

“If you don’t mind. I think it’d be a nice way to pass the time!” Huh, that’s true. Well, I got nothing better to do, so might as well. I go over to my doll house and open it up, revealing several ponies, including Silver Spoon.

“Can I play as Silver Spoon?” Hmm...I guess? I don’t really mind, I can always play as somepony else. Let’s see...huh. There’s a pink mare here, almost looks like me.

“You could use that to play as yourself!” Well, she’s not as pretty as me, but I guess she’ll have to do.

“Hey, Diamond Tiara! You’re, like, so fabulous right now!” Thank you, Silver Spoon! I love your glasses, are they new?

“Oh, these? Yeah, I got totally tired of my old ones. Makes me look way older. Somepony thought I was an old lady!” Now that’s just rude!

Heh, this is kinda fun, actually. Though we need a few more characters…

“DT, look! It’s the Cutie Mark Crybabies!” Oh, those losers! Perfect! Time to assert our dominance! Now, what dolls do I wanna use for the Cutie Mark losers?

Let’s see…there’s this unicorn whose horn was chewed off by my dog, so there’s Sweetie. I don’t have a pegasus doll so I guess I’ll use...oh, there’s a plastic chicken I got with my farming set, so I guess that can be Scootaloo.

Now, who’s going to be Apple Bloom...the only pony I have that resembles her is my favorite, Apple Pie. She’s the star of that one sitcom, Two and a Half Mares. Though Apple Bloom isn’t nearly as pretty, she’ll have to do.

“Hey, blank flanks! Got any stupid ideas today?” Of course they do, Silver Spoon! They’re probably going to try to get a cutie mark for spelunking!

“Ah’m too stupid ta evens knows whats that werds are!” Apple Bloom sputters, like the idiot she is! Doesn’t even know proper Equestrian!

“Why are you two so mean?” Sweetie Belle asks in that annoying voice of hers. Wow, even in my imagination it grates on my nerves. I throw her into a nearby trash can. Doll’s broken anyways.

“Bawk bawk!” clucks Scootaloo, running around as if her head was chopped off.

“What’s that? You want to join your friend?” I think she does, Silver.

“Bawk?” I’ll take that as a yes. I threw the toy chicken towards the trash can. It was a stupid toy anyways. Totally not worth the money I spent on it.

And that leaves one, eh, Apple Bloom?

“Der, ah thinks so, Diamond Tiara!” Am I making her too stupid?

“Nah, I think I’m playing her perfect.” Hmm...I guess?

“Yeah! Ah’m just a stupid farm ponies! Ah wish ah could be as smarts as ya’ll, Diamond Tiara!”

That’s right. You wish you were as smart as me, Apple Dork!

“Ah also wish ah was as purty as ya’ll! Yer the purtiest mare in alls of Ponyvile’s!” I nudge Apple Bloom closer to my own doll.

What else do you wish for?

“Ah wish ah hads a purty mane like yours.”


“And yer hooves are perfect, ah could just lick them!” Apple Bloom is only centimeters away from me now, so close her breath tickles my skin.

You are so dirty, Apple Bloom. What kind of mare wants to lick another mare’s hooves?

“That’s not the only thing I want ta do,” Apple Bloom says as she leaned closer, her lips nearly brushing against mine.

Oh? And just what do you think you’re doing?

“Ah’m doing what I should have done a long time ago,” she whispers as her lips finally touched mine, the feeling of her tongue entering my--


“Diamond Tiara!”

WHY?! WHY WAS I LETTING THAT BLANK FLANK KISS ME?! Oh...oh I think I’m gonna puke!

“Diamond Tiara! Are you alright!” my dad yells as he bursts through the door.

“N-no, I...I…” I don’t know!

“Shh, it’s okay, hunny. It was just a nightmare.” Was it? Was it really? “Do you want to sleep with Daddy?” Sleep with Daddy? Like Silver Spoon does? I...I guess that’s okay, if she does it. “Come on. Let’s go to bed,” he says as he carries me to bed and tucks us in. “Good night, Diamond Tiara.”

“G-good night, Daddy,” I mutter as I close my eyes. Minutes pass by, and yet nothing happens. Even with Daddy here, I still can’t sleep. Why? Sweet Celestia, why can’t I get the thought of Apple Bloom kissing me out of my mind?

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