Chapter 16 Alt Title: I Bet You Were Expecting a War, Huh?

Good evening, dear readers.

Yeah, no you ain't getting a war outta me.

One, I'm a very busy man/shadow/god/thing

Two, you really expect me to get involved between two assholes and their petty stalker-ish feud?

Three, I killed Teridax in 99% of the Universes he exists in. Except for the 'good' versions and the Prime one. The Prime version just got his ass beat with a hammer made of Cthulhu's reality warping left testicle third tentacle on the right.

Four, I locked Teridax into his Universe to rot for all eternity (Sorry Celly).

So instead, have me breaking the fourth wall and insulting a bunch of people:

“Alright, Servants, this is Master speaking, so listen up. (Metaphorically Master, I mean) My name, as stated, is Umbra Shadow-Walker. ‘Motherfucker’ optional, but sometimes appreciated. my job is to police and fix the Multiverse as a whole as a sort of… Systems Administrator. That being said, cross me and you’ll find out exactly what it feels like to be disintegrated down to the subatomic level from the inside out.”

Caster winces, “Yikes… So… what is this place? I… kinda can’t see anything…” She nervously clutches her tail, and squats, while Assassin wordlessly draws her daggers.

“Eh?” Umbra looks around, noticing the darkness. “Oh, whoops. We’re.. uh… we’re inside of me, actually. First time being summoned using the phone… not exactly used to the feeling.” He snaps again, flipping the world inside out and releasing everyone back into the real world once more.

“... We were… just inside of something that looks like Slenderman’s racial counterpart… I feel like I need a shower…” Rider shivers, and rubs her forehead.

“Done.” And then suddenly a firehose, blasting Rider with over 20,000 psi of soapy, warm water. “Now, disparaging remarks aside, any questions?”

Lancer takes his spear out, plants it in the dirt, and leans against it, “Yeah… Got any more exotic foods for us? Sorry to sound like a bum, but… We’re kinda wanted fugitives… And we barely made it out of Canterlot with enough supplies to last us the month. Maybe. If we ration.” The audible grumbling of Berserker’s stomach only enforces his comrade’s declaration of poverty.

“No no, by all means, ask for anything. Here, this will help.” The shadow man flickers in place and is replaced by a massive storefront, one much too large to realistically fit in the Servants’ makeshift camp. The shadow then walks around the back of the store and into sight, despite the front being embedded into a wall.

Caster gasps, “Woah… this is amazing… My Area Creation couldn’t possibly do this… Awesome…”

“One of the many perks of 99.999(repeating)% omnipotence, Tamamo-chan. So, all, welcome to Umbra’s Emporium of Anything and Everything, where one may find, literally, anything your mind can or can’t imagine. Yes, Tamamo-chan, that includes spaghetti with your grandma’s special tomato sauce.” The now-audible drooling that filled the store confirmed Umbra’s claim.

“You’re my new best friend, Umbry!” She proceeds to leap onto the shadow, and give him marshmallow hell. Berserker growls in response, and his helmet slit glows red.

“Hey, hey! Calm down, buddy!” Lancer and Archer grab at the titan, and hold him back as he tries to advance to the System Administrator.

“Ara ara? What’s all this rage, Lancelot-kun? Bad Yakan-chan, I’m asexual, ya know?” The shadow is now poking out of the smoky mist surrounding Berserker, leaving Caster hanging onto a massive bowl of spaghetti.

“THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!” She proceeds to dive headfirst into the bowl, and the sound of rabid devouring echoes through the storehouse.

“Okay… we’re not gonna get charged for that, are we?” Archer points at the bowl, while looking to Umbra with a raised eyebrow.

“Naahh. It’s cool. Far be it from in my pitch black, soulless self to charge a group of penniless fugitives any more than a favor or… two… three… one favor per item bought…”

“Well… ya got any swords? I was thinking of maybe getting one or two in case I run out of prana to project with.” Archer shrugs, generating several swords, and making them dissipate, to prove his point.

The shadow acquires a distinctly vulpine, glowing grin, now appearing as a stylized fox shadow, curling around Archer’s neck like some sort of demented scarf, “My dear Emiya-kun, you didn’t just ask what I thought you asked did you? Oh… you did. Good for you, mein freund. I have exactly what you need.”

“Oh, do you? That’s good… That’s… great, honestly. What kinda weapon you have in mind? I can work with any blade. Kinda… heh, kinda used them all at one point. Short swords, arming swords, longswords, katanas, greatswords, heck, even got a few axes and hammers.”

“Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes. Also stuff that isn’t even covered. Like this bad boy, for instance.”

The shadow is now in front of the whole group, waving around what is recognizably one of the most dangerous weapons in all of the Nasuverse.

“Ea: Sword of Rupture. Yes, no?”

“Er… no. As awesome as that is, I’d rather not have that be the weapon I swing around first entering a battle. Anything more… I dunno… basic?” Archer shrugs, and pushes the weapon away.

“Well then, feel free to browse, Emiya-kun. But be warned, I know exactly how that little tracing ability of yours works, CopyPaste-san. Don’t even try to sneak it past me. I can and will bill you for anything you Trace. And I know exactly what you trace. I can read your soul like a BOOK.”

“... Damnit…” Archer mutters, and snaps his fingers. “Well, so much for pulling a fast one. Gotta give a man credit for trying, old sport.”

“Don’t worry ‘bout it. Better than you have tried to pull a fast one on me and failed. You may pay what you like…. but one always pays the reaper.”

“... Okay, Saber? You mind fetching me a sword? We both know you know what’ll work for me.” Archer turns to the blonde, who smirks.

“Sure thing, ‘old sport’.” She pecks his cheek, and walks off.

“Er… that’s not the sword section, Saber-kun…” Umbra raises his hand hesitantly, “Ah, you may want to refer to your map. You nearly walked into the… ahem… ‘Adults Only’ section.”

“Oh... Wait, what map?” Saber looks about her person, before noticing a map tied to her waist. The other Servants look around, and see that they, too, have matching maps.

“When’d these get here? Ah, screw it.” Saber reaches for the parchment, and unfurls it, only to find that the guide stretches… all the way to the floor. It rolls, and keeps rolling, until it reaches Berserker’s feet. The colossal armor-clad Servant grunts, barely registering the impact of the paper.

“Uhm… This… may be a while…” Saber stammers, trying to overlook the paper, and find the ‘you are here’ marker.

“Uh… can we get these in… I dunno… a more compact shape?”

“Maybe…. but good luck finding your way.” The shadow smirks insufferably before reclining in midair, “Ah what the hell, I’ll give you one. Everyone gets one, after all.” He snaps once more before massive glowing arrows appear, pointing in a different direction for each Servant. “Go on, go on. Follow the arrows and all that. Mind the volatile substances in some areas, blah blah blah.”

“Thanks…” Archer looks over his, and immediately heads over to the literature section.

“Hmm?” Caster crawls out from the giant bowl, “Shomebody shay shometing?”

Lancer chuckles, “Look on your map, Caster. You can find canned versions of this stuff. I just hope you’ve got something to pay for it all with.”

“He’s got even MORE of this stuff? Oh, BOY!” Caster leaps into the air, and disappears in a flash of prana.

“Hmph.” Rider smirks, and promptly, tears open her own neck. The blood flows, and from it, the Pegasus forms, whinnying triumphantly.

“Oi oi, you’re getting blood all over my nice, clean floors, Medusa-chan.”

“Trust me, her blood is the least of your worries concerning that animal, old sport.” Archer’s voice echoes through the halls, having recognized the prana signature of the winged steed. “Stupid fucking animal… pissing all over everything…”

“Whatever. He won’t do anything.” Rider climbs aboard the steed, and it gallops into the air, towards the eyewear section.

“Uhm… What should I get… let’s see… what can we use as money in the first place…” Lancer begins pacing along the floor, nervously trying to come up with some form of compensation for the shadowy form.

“Now now, Vladdy. I already told you… I’m dealing with you seven… in Favors.” The way the shadow man drapes over Lancer’s shoulders causes him to shiver, even more so when he hears the wording.

“Pfffft. Y’shoulda seen the look on your face. Nah, it’s nothing too bad. Break this, retrieve that, make me a sandwich. Stuff like that. Easy. I’m asexual, remember?”

“Huh… Maybe Archer could’ve gone through the sword section after all…” Lancer rubs his chin slowly.

“Yes, but depending on how many swords he saw, you’d end up owing me a whole lot of favors. Six trillion at the least.”

“Yeesh… Wait… Hey, Assassin, you want anything?”

The little one shakes her head, “Want coat… it’s cold…” Lancer sighs, and the vampiric mass murdering tyrant king takes the loli serial killer by the hand, towards the clothing section.

“Well there’s something you don’t see every day… unless you’re me.”

“Shove it, shadow man.” Lancer huffs as he and his comrade disappear around the corner.

“Archer? Hey, Archer! I got you what ya wanted! And no, not ‘that’! The OTHER thing you wanted!”

“Saber? Where are you? Hello?” Umbra is briefly greeted with a Scooby-Doo scenario, where the two run back and forth through the aisles before him, calling for each other repeatedly, only to run past the other.

Berserker grunts, walks forwards, and grabs Saber by the collar. When Archer runs back, with a large multitude of books in his hand, Berserker grabs the swordsman, and holds him up.

“Heh… found you.” Archer receives a slap on the shoulder for his troubles.

“Tough love, again?” Lancer and Assassin step out, now carrying multiple cloaks, suits, and vests. And trousers.

“You got everything you need?” Rider flies down on Pegasus, with a casing for glasses.

“Yep!” Caster warps in again, now with an armful of canned spaghetti, with several jars of what can be assumed to be her grandmother's ‘special tomato sauce’.

“Okay… What’s our total?” Archer holds his books out, and they, along with the other items the Servants found, levitate into the air as the System Admin overlooks them.

“Considering the amount of crap you gathered, I’m thinkin’... ‘bout…. lesse… seventy five favors, redeemable at any time. Plus first timer’s discount and that brings it to a good sixty nine favors. And since I’m not a total asshole… and the fact that I hate unintentional sex jokes, let’s skip all that and say an even forty nine. Seven for each of you. That means that I get to ask you seven to do something for me at any time I want. Seven times.”

“... Just don’t be an asshole about the timing, and we’ll have no complaints.” Archer shrugs, and the others more or less do the same.

Saber slings her arm over Umbra’s shoulder, “Hey, I gotta ask you something… If you’re operating the whole universe and whatnot… Mind telling us how the hell we wound up in cartoon horse world?”

Rider stomps her foot, “It’s called ‘Friendship is Magic’, and it’s one of the best cartoons of the 21st century!”

Everyone else basically plants their heads in their palms in response. Umbra, meanwhile, sneaks Rider a quiet thumbs-up.

“Well, Nero-kun, you all ended up in Equestria due to, presumably, the asshole actions of an Extradimensional Being known as ‘The Merchant’. Or, as I like to call him, ‘Lucy’. Presumably, you all were in cosplay at the time?”

“... More or less…” Archer looks away, whistling, while Saber rubs the small of her back, blushing.

Lancer laughs, “Trust me, it was a one-time thing. I wouldn’t let my sister have done something like that had I known it was going on…” He looks to Saber, who blushes harder, now even more red than her own dress.

“Honestly, if you didn’t want people to see it, you wouldn’t have that dress on, Nero-chan. Perhaps a quick costume change to Arturia-chan would suit you modesty more?”

“... I’m not all that ‘ashamed’ or anything… just…” She then proceeds to deliver a left hook that a certain blue-wearing racing bounty hunter would salute at. Right to Archer’s cheek. As the warrior lays on the ground, Caster giggles.

“He knows her weak spots.”

“I’LL KILL YOU, TOO!”

“AHEM.” The frankly demonic growl emanates from Umbra’s direction like a massive thunderclap, nearly bowling the Servants over from sheer volume.

“IF we are done, I think I’ll go back to explaining. Now, presumably you all bought something from some creepy bastard at a convention. Next thing you know, you’re all in Equestria.”

Berserker nods, and releases a grunt, and the others nod. “Yeah, that’s about it.” Archer holds out one hand and grabs one of the books floating in air.

“This means that you’re part of a select group of individuals known as the Displaced. Humans affected by the Merchant and torn from Earth (Or wherever they’re from) and placed into, usually, Equestria with powers they did not have before (Usually). Now, there’s hundreds of humans like this, each of them with a Token, an object that allows one to summon said humans for aid. I myself was a Displaced that got lucky enough to ascend to literal godhood. My Token is that oh so special smartphone that you found. And yes, it does everything a smartphone should and more, despite this being a Universe with no sources of wifi for light years around.”

“Not even gonna question the talking shadow at this point. So, can we contact other Displaced?”

“Not really, not unless they also have cellphones… which most don’t, despite, y’know, BEING SENT TO EQUESTRIA WITH EVERYTHING THEY HAD ON THEM AT THE TIME WHILE ALSO BEING IN FULL COSTUME. It’s like the portal hates cellphones specifically. Anyway, don’t be surprised if one of you gets a text from me. Actually….” The shadow snaps once again, and one phone becomes seven. “There, each of you can now have your very own smartphone with all the data you ever had on Earth stacked in there as well. Fun fact, yes, the phones also work as computers, but I’ll leave you all to figure that out.”

“Okay… So, what about that bass?” In that instant, the entire storehouse’s speakers begin blaring the most odd and confusing remix to ever grace Umbra's ears.

“NO TREBLE!” Instantly, the music was drowned out by heavy dubstep, blasting the assembled humans’ eardrums nearly to oblivion as Umbra worked a set of turntables.

“MY EARS!” Archer grabs his ears, his eyes becoming bloodshot, and his face contorting in pain.

“WHAT?” Saber turns to him, eye twitching as she tries to muffle her ears.

“WHAT?” Archer turns back, and stares at his girlfriend.

“I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”

“I KNOW YOUR EARS ARE PRETTY, WHAT ABOUT IT?”

“WHAT?”

“YOU WANT A HAT?”

“YOU’RE A BAT?”

“WE’RE NOT GETTING A CAT!”

“YOUR FRIEND’S NAME IS PAT?”

“If you two are quite done, the song ended nearly thirty seconds ago. I also took the liberty of repairing your ears. Anyway, never speak that phrase in here again. The results are often… messy.”

“Okay… So… anything else about the Displaced we should know of? Any friends, enemies, neutrals? Is there any Wile E Coyotes?”

“Well, never trust anything that looks or feels really ominous… If it’s a throwing knife, you’ll get an Assassin that could probably work as an Archer, a blue chunk of bone summons a Berserker type entity… oh, right, I’m translating the terms into Servant classes so you know what you’re getting into. If you get a Plumber’s Badge (Ben 10, you guys remember that, right?) it probably won’t work, but it’d be a Caster class. Don’t use the broken dagger; that guy’s going through some shit right now. A flawless diamond would bring in a Caster with gravity powers… lotta Caster class Displaced out there… so many powers that fit under Caster… so weird. Anyway, well, let’s just say that there’s a lot of Displaced, and really, the only way to tell if they’re friendly or not is to summon them.”

“Huh… That’s interesting… Should be simple enough, right? Now… what about our own Token? Do we need to do some crazy complicated long-ass side quest or some other kinda bullshit?” Lancer plants his spear into the ground, and leans against it, twirling about one of the many hats on his finger.

Umbra dares chuckle, “No no, nothing of the sort. Everyone, find something that means something to you, probably something relating to your abilities.”

“... Something tells me that you just saved us a LOT of unneeded time and effort. It can’t be that hard to find something related to us, right?” Caster looks around, chuckling.

In that instant, a large, golden cup fell off of one of the titanic shelves, and bounced off of her head.

“....That’d do, though I’m not sure you want something that ostentatious or large. Most Tokens are small enough to carry around easily.”

As if to prove its owner wrong, the golden Grail suddenly shrunk, to the size of a wine glass. If one could talk to inanimate objects (which Umbra can), one can hear it smugly laughing at its owner. Bad decision, in hindsight.

“Shut up you stupid cup. Don’t make me fill you with the liquefied contents of Tumblr’s databanks.”

If one can talk to inanimate objects, one can hear the Grail whimpering in absolute fear.

“So… can we keep it?”

“Technically no. You can have an inert version of the Grail… though the actual Token will be sent out into the Void and spread throughout all of existence. Now, all of you, grab the cup and think of something to encourage someone to summon you. A phrase that says you’ll help them usually works. Also include some sort of boast, since that’s how it works, apparently.”

“Okay… let’s try it…” The seven reach out, and place their hands on the Grail, which widens to fit all of them.

“To those who require the aid of a great warrior…” Archer begins, with the image of gears and blades dancing about in the Grail’s insides.

“To those who are in need of assistance great or small…” Saber continues, with the Grail’s interior now bearing a large concert house, filled with rose petals.

“To those who need a friend, or a face to listen…” Lancer sighs, and the Grail is filled with a large series of stone spikes, with a pair of red eyes menacingly floating above them.

“To those who lay in fear of their surroundings…” Assassin chants, with the Grail generating a steady mist.

“To those among the stars, who seek adventure, yet do not wish to be alone…” Rider grimaces, as the Grail shows a large crimson sphere, with lightning sparking from it.

“To those who wish for companionship, in all its forms…” Caster smiles, as the Grail is filled with a bright light.

“To those… who need… power… beyond measure…” Berserker growls, and the Grail emits a deep shadow.

“Speak the incantation, and call forth a Heroic Spirit of old! So says we, Servants of the Grail!” The seven conclude together, as the Grail fills the air with a brilliant shine. The Grail sends forth a burst of energy, which pierces straight through the roof of the storehouse, much to Umbra’s dismay.

“.... Well then. Thank god I can fix that…. You do realize that means you now owe me fifty six favors total, yes?”

“Ah, go soak yer head.” Archer bleats out, and Saber pulls him down to her height, smooching him on the cheek.

“No, you soak yours. In gasoline.” So Umbra wills it, so it shall be. Archer finds himself now soaked in gasoline as the entire Emporium begins lighting on fire, flames racing towards him at frightening speeds.

“Meh.”

“Oh, sorry. I meant NITROGLYCERIN MIXED WITH NAPALM AND GREEK FIRE.” The flames speed up and turn black. “Oh, and a little bit of AMATERASU!”

“... Trace On. Yukianesa.” Archer waves his hand, and a katana handle, lacking a blade, forms. With a single swipe, it creates a large wall of ice that unfortunately does nothing to stop the flames. Fortunately for Archer, the flames do not reach him, merely forming a large circle around him.

“So… Is this how you get your kicks? Not trying to sound like a whiny little prick, but I am NOT a big fan of fires… Brings back some bad memories…” Archer clambers back, while his friends look around cautiously at the ring of flame.

“No, this is me being a dick. Sorry, with me seeing every last point of my infinite existence and every last point of my alternate (Also infinite) existences, things get… weird.” The flames die out and Archer now finds himself holding a large bastard sword that feels curiously light.

“As an apology, I’ll throw in this Fusion Sword as a gift. So, y’know, you actually have like… seven swords in case of an emergency. Don’t worry, the shoulder strap is a bag of holding so you don’t actually have to lug around a massive chunk of sharpened metal.”

“Well… thanks, I suppose…” Archer sheathes the enormous blade on his shoulder, and grabs at the longsword Saber got him. “Hmm… Nice choice, old sport. Decently made fuller, not too heavy a pommel, and a very refined edge…”

“Good to know I still haven’t lost my touch in blades after a millenium as Snoop Dogg.”

Lancer bitterly stares at his sister, “I get it. I’m not laughing, but I get it.”

Umbra stares as well, “Boo. That’s worse than the sentient pile of weed that looks and acts like Snoop Dogg.”

“Wait, that exists? What next? Is the Snoop Lion somewhere out there, too?”

“Well….” The shadow smirks suddenly, and a most curious smell fills the room as Saber is somehow fitted into a lion costume. “Since you spent a millennium as Snoop Dogg…”

“Nice one, old sport! HAH!” Archer laughs, and slaps his knee, falling onto the floor, chortling loudly.

“What’s going on? Wait, gimme a minute…” Rider turns around, and removes her mask, before putting on the glasses in the case. When she turns about, she, too, bursts into laughter.

Lancer scoffs, “I’m honestly not impressed. Of all the jokes you could’ve made… I know you’ve got a billion better ones in your inventory, Umbra. Or has seeing all of reality dulled your sense of humor?”

“.... You cannot possibly comprehend my sense of humor, Vlad. For example, I would find it extremely humorous to lock all of your abilities and reduce to normal human level… and then toss you into the female lead role of 50 Shades of Gray. Would you like me to do so?”

In response to that, Lancer screamed like a little girl, and proceeded to bolt up to the top of a shelf, “YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!”

“You’re Vlad the Impaler. The Legend of Dracula Noble Phantasm turns you undead. And I’m a physical god. So…. piss me off and I’ll have one of your favors be as such, Lancer-kun.”

Much to everyone’s surprise, Lancer instantly clears the distance between himself and the shadow, with his spear aimed straight at Umbra’s throat, “I don’t care how powerful you are. Mention that again, and I will gut you like a pig, do you hear me!?” His eyes radiate cold, hard killing intent.

“Er… bro, don’t… don’t do anything stupid, ya hear?” Saber cautiously summons Aestus Estus, and cautiously aims it at Umbra, though more for self-defense than anything.

“Did you lot know that I can summon a 6,000,000,000,000X power Enuma Elish at will with a lag time in the negatives? That means it appears before I summoned it. That’s right, I can pull of Gae Bolg with ENUMA ELISH. Still wanna threaten me?”

Lancer snarls, “I don’t care. You don’t ever bring up how I can become one of those… things! You understand?”

“Oh I UNDERSTAND…. but do You?”

One could feel the massive, unending madness that followed the sheer presence of the oddly green colored, all caps word.

But Lancer’s will doesn’t falter, “I don’t CARE! DON’T YOU EVER SAY THAT AGAIN! I’M NOT A MONSTER! I’M NOT SOME UNDEAD… THING!” Lancer screams, and jabs at the System Administrator, only to be graced with thin air. Correction: viscous black shadow-flesh that pulls the spear from Lancer’s grip and absorbs it into Umbra’s body with nary a sound. The shadow man then pushes Lancer away and re-manifests the spear, now pointed directly at Lancer.

Directly at Lancer’s bait and tackle, to be exact.

“Grr… Just… Gah…” Lancer releases his tense muscles, and slinks into the ground. “I… I-I-I’m really sorry… I just… I just really, REALLY don’t like anything related to Dead Apostles… or any breed of undead for that matter… It’s just… I’m sorry…” He shakes his head, placing it in his hands.

“Lancer!” Saber runs over to her brother’s side, and drops to her knees, “Just… just calm down! See, he’s sorry! Please don’t hurt him!” Saber closely hugs her brother, and he sighs in response.

“Yare yare dazou…. Look at me, I meet a bunch of new people and I end up acting like a total dick to them. No, I’m sorry. This is no way for a SysAdmin to act… okay, actually the vast majority of us are capricious assholes, but I hold myself to a higher standard. I hope we can still be… friends?”

Lancer grins, and rises to his feet, slapping Umbra’s open palm, turning it into a handshake, “Okay. Friends.” He smiles, and takes back his lance.

Caster, now sitting on Berserker’s shoulder, giggles, “Well, if all the shooting and death threats are done with, who wants coffee?”

“Well, I don’t drink much, but I could go for some right now, I have a great setup in my office. If you would follow me?” The shadow walks off, dissipating and revealing an extraordinarily pale human with long black hair in a thin braid that goes down to his ankles. He turns around and reveals his eyes, pitch black irises with a faint glow, and asks, “You coming?”

“Fucking Anti-Spiral…” Lancer mutters as he and his allies march behind the System Administrator.

“The future is in the past! Onwards, Aoshima!” Caster points at Umbra, and Berserker begrudgingly follows, stomping as he slowly trods along behind his friends.

“So… what other Displaced do you know about?” Saber looks to Umbra as the lot of them sip at their coffee.

“Well… I know of all of them, but some don’t really do much. Uh… let’s see… There’s a Ben 10 Displaced, but he’s kinda a dick and he hates humans. There’s his sister, Kat Shifter, she does gravity manipulation and is also kinda a bitch sometimes. She’s getting better though. There’s… it’s a bit of a niche thing, but who here knows what an SCP is?”

Saber shoots her hand up, “I do! I do! I do!” Archer rubs his temples.

“Please, don’t bring that up. She keeps going on about that stuff… I couldn’t even sleep after hearing about that coffee machine one… Or the Gary Stu…”

“Remember 682, Saber-chan?”

“HE WAS AWESOME! Y’know, I kept telling Archie here…” At that, she grabs Archer’s ear and tugs hard, “To get us a gator… But he kept saying ‘no way!’ and ‘I’m so scared of those things!’ Sometimes I wonder why I spend all of my time with a wimp like this one!”

Lancer strokes his forehead, “This is an average occurrence for us, by the way…”

“Well, there’s a 682 Displaced with a human form. Sad thing is, he lost his incurable bloodlust for all things organic and shoved it into an alternate personality that makes up half of his mental defenses. Which, unfortunately, are pathetically weak. Motherfucker keeps getting mind controlled.”

Saber rolls her eyes, “Meh… At least he didn’t have it as bad as us. We’re controlled against our will, and we have to watch everything that they make us do…”

“Eh, well, at least you can kill your summoners if they don’t have fast enough reaction times. Now, to keep going… There’s… Gilgamesh from Final Fantasy. He’s a Pinkie Pie level lunatic with a battlelust like Khorne… except less to the death and more like “worthy challenge”. There’s also Auric Fulcrum. He’s alright. A bit of a hero complex that can’t take a win as a win even when I offered to help him kick another Displaced’s ass with a hammer the size of six galaxies. Oh, and his mortal nemesis, Makuta Teridax. A creepy Orochimaru-styled stalker asshole with an Auric-fetish. And also has delusions of grandeur. Brace yourselves, Servants. I’m gonna go on a rant for… every other Displaced now.

There’s a fuckton of Overlords in various Equestria. Most of them are cookie cutter assholes. There’s an Overlady that shares my name but not my power or position, but she’s… eh. She’s one girl among like… five guys with the same powers. The only one of note is Dominus, the only one with a name worth remembering. He’s actually okay-ish now, but he used to be a rank asshole that slaughtered ponies for fun. The Lutece twins. Don’t trust them. Creepy fuckers they are.Ghost Rider. You could sorta trust his boney ass. I guess. Unless he does the Penance Stare. Then you’re all fucked.Dante and Vergil, sons of Sparda… goddamn. Just… Dante is an ass. Vergil is an ass. Both are ponies.Typhon, also known as John Egbert. Master of the winds and the skies. Sorta nice, but he’s got shit to work through. So… yeah. He’s cool, but don’t try summoning him for a while. The Boogeyman. Angsty motherfucker who needs people to believe in him lest he die. Probably not a good idea to summon him because nobody believes in him here.There’s a motherfucking REAPER out there somewhere. Who is kinda crazy since he shares a mind with the actual Reaper. Yes, I mean the giant robo-cuttlefish Reapers. The designers did a terrible job on those asshats.There’s Nemesis from Resident Evil, he’s a growly asshat with a rocket launcher and his home problems tend to follow him through the portals. Be prepared for viruses and mutants if you summon the seven foot tall, be-tentacled mass of necrotic flesh and mutated genetics.Nicholas, or as he is sometimes known, Michael Faraday. Time manipulator. Slow it, speed it, stop it, restart it. Nick is friendly, but stupid sometimes. Mike is an asshat, plain and simple. And is somehow even dumber.Darth Vulcan. Mega asshat sith lord. That is all.Wade the Animorph. Kinda weird and sorta… underpowered, really. One shapeshift at a time, less than an hour per shape, takes minutes to change. Ugh. Any one of you could pop his head off in less than a second. Some Displaced could do it in even less. Even if he’s not in his human form.Xante the Lich. He of many useless, stupid titles. Rainbow magic and insanity. Kill on sight. If he doesn’t die, kill him again and again and again until he leaves.The RED Spy. Sic Assassin on him. Not even invisibility and disguises can match a Servant. And he’s woefully human.Ryu from Breath of Fire. Hero complex. Antisocial, kinda long winded and talky. Like a typical anime character, really.Sly Cooper. Do not trust around valuables. Do not trust in general. In fact, kick him out as soon as you notice things going missing. Preferably with a good old fashioned Caladbolg II arrow.Ral Zarek from Magic: The Gathering. Scientist. Probably shouldn’t trust.Vaas Montenegro. Kill on sight. Insane motherfucker should be dealt with as hard and as fast as physically possible. Insult like no tomorrow. Tobi and Yoshimitsu: Two idiots on a multi-dimensional roadtrip. Basically unkillable unless you can lock them to a single point in spacetime. Fucking Izanagi. Best to just leave them be and/or punch in the nuts.Robin of Fire Emblem. Idiot mage. A little enthusiastic about learning new stuff. Grab a spell tome, shove it in his arms and punt him out. He’ll fly. Trust me.Fucking. Saber. Alter. Saber-chan, you may end up in a bitch fight if she ever shows up. Archer-kun, you might need to break them up if it happens.-”
“Wait, a catfight? With Saber? That’s… AWESO-” SMACK “OUCH!”

“Quite. Ahem.
Patapon. I don’t know either. It’s as ridiculous as it sounds.Pyramid Head. RUN. Run and throw high powered attacks behind you. On second thought, don’t. That’ll aggravate him. Just run, and get as far behind cover as logically possible.Harry Dresden. Snarky asshole. Kick in groin if too annoying.Malthael of Diablo III. Never gonna show up. He’s too busy staying put in Sweet Apple Acres to get up off his lazy ass and be more of an asshole.Isaac Donohue. Power Lottery fucker. Do not show him your powers. Actually, just sneak attack him and cut him out of your reality as fast as possible. Trust me, you don’t want a fucking ‘angel’ prettying up your world any longer than necessary.A Titan guy from… Destiny? I think? I dunno. Equestria’s guardian, killer of space monsters, power armor, yadda yadda, boring boring boring.A fuck ton of Summoners. Don’t ask. Remove as fast as possible.Puppet Master. ASS. HOLE. Supervillain. If found, please kill.SkekUng of the Griffons. UGLY ass motherfucker. Looks like roadkill mixed with a geriatric griffon. Kill on sight. Because he’s suffered way, way too much to not deserve a mercy kill.

“Duly noted.”

“Quite.
Shade the Ectonurite. Okay, I guess. Just a creepy ass motherfucker.Alice from Madness Returns. CRAY. ZEE. BITCH. I could go on for days.”

Archer holds up his hand, “Okay, we get it. There are a LOT of Displaced. So, what’re the ones we should REALLY look out for?”

“Lesse… Auric, Teridax, Vaas, Alice, Pyramid Head, Ben, Kat, Gilgamesh, and another Omnitrix wielder named Jason. You should also watch out for 682 and teleporter named Crow. Oh, and me, but whatever. There’s others, but those guys are the most prominent, as far as I’m concerned.”

“Interesting… very interesting… We’ll have to keep those names in mind…” Lancer nods, and looks to Rider, who has been keeping track with a notepad and a pen.

“Got ‘em.”

Archer stands, and stretches his back, “Ooh… Yeah, thanks a lot for what you’ve done, Umbra. Can’t thank you enough. Honestly, I really can’t.” He holds out his hand, offering it to the System Administrator.

Umbra takes it and gives it a firm shake. “You’re welcome, you guys. And hey, next time you’re here you can get the Friend Discount, which drops the prices to really affordable. So, I’ll see you guys around for those favors?”

Caster laughs, “Well, as long as you’ve got more of that spaghetti, we’ll be just fine.”

“We are NOT living entirely off of spaghetti.”

“Bite me, tracer boy.”

“Hold still, and I’ll get us a new rug, fox!” Archer leaps at Caster, with an unnamed dagger in hand.

“YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE! NEVA!” Caster warps away, laughing as her friend chases after her.

“Come back here!”

Umbra hides a smirk behind his hand and snaps his other.

“HAH!” Caster jumps over Archer’s swipe, and lands on his head, “Missed me, missed me! Now ya gotta kiss me!” She promptly flips him the bird, then leaps into the air.

“Ugh… so stupid…” Saber rubs the bridge of her nose, “I’ll get him for this later… You should go now, before they wreck any more of your stuff…” A loud rattling immediately follows her sentence, hinting once again at the Root’s taste for universal irony.

“Welp. There goes the… oh dear.” Umbra immediately runs out of the room and back into the shop. “GET OUT OF THERE! THAT’S THE ADULTS ONLY SECTION! AND NOT THE SAFE PART EITHER!”

Since the Root’s authority clearly overrides Umbra’s, his protests are drowned out by the crashing of several shelves, thus beginning a domino effect.

“Oh son of a bitch. That’s it. Wrapping operations up. WE ARE NOW CLOSED FOR BUSINESS!” In that instant, the entire shop disappears, leaving an airborne Archer and Caster, with Archer, for some reason, with a long rope of leather wrapped about his throat.

“Oof!” The two hit the ground, and as Archer tries to pull himself up, “GACK!” He finds Saber tugging on the leather.

“Why… did you think it’d be a good idea to do that?”

“Uhm… because I assumed that Umbra, a System Administrator who can see all of spacetime, would’ve predicted what I was gonna do- GYAGH!” His words do little to calm Saber, who only tightens the grip.

“Of course I saw it. I just let it happen because why not. Archer, be thankful that that leash came from the safer section of the Adults Only area. There are a lot of things in the unsafe section that you almost wound up activating. Tentacles in a jar being one of the tamest examples.”

At that remark, Saber turns, “Uhm… Okay, let’s just leave it at that…” She promptly releases the rope, which Umbra consumes in a small burst of shadow.

“Right, well. Duty calls and all. It’s been fun you guys, but I must depart. TTFN.” The shadow, now back in his proper form, leaps up and back, disappearing in a swirl of shadow and an oddly lingering chuckle. Without it, the world collapses back to its original state of First Person narration.

“Well… he was… a fun guy…” By the Root, I am SO GLAD Saber’s not into the whole ‘dominatrix’ thing… She’s got a REALLY tight grip… I try my best to raise to my feet, “Whoo… Yeah… That happened… Now what?”

Caster looks to the Grail, “Well… I guess now we just wait to be summoned… Hey, what’s that?” She notices an odd glowing light inside of the Grail, and- oh, for crying out loud- she pokes it.

“(&)UISTIHHJGjXMHSIJKTuISYUYUJHUYIOKJHUIHGUIJKHUIJKK” Caster promptly… has a seizure, I’m guessing, that or there’s some new age dance form that involves foaming and wiggling on the ground.

“Uhh… Yo, Caster? You ah… you alright?”

“Uh… Depends… can anyone else see the orange dancing penguin on the roof?” Everyone looks up, then back to her, “Nope.”

“Okay, then I’m not alright…” She sits up, still holding her head, and shakes her head some like, well, a fox.

“Whoo… I think… I think the Grail talked to me… It… I think it told me… how summoning works…”

“Wot.” That’s generally the only reply that I can throw out at the moment. Apparently, the Holy Grail talks. And it communicates via seizures.

“It said… being summoned… for us… It’s like how it works normally… in Fate/Stay Night… And whoever gets us… They get Command Sigils…” The entire room drops twenty degrees.

“You mean… they can order us?”

Saber places a hand on my shoulder, “Hey. The Displaced aren’t like those guys from before. They won’t tell us to do those things. It’s alright… Calm down, Archer…”

My chest heaves as I try to calm myself.

“And… and if we’re summoned… We can die… and just come back here…” Well… that makes things somewhat easier.

“Sounds like Dark Souls.” Lancer smirks, leaning against the table, with a cup of coffee still in his hand.

“Yeah… it does, doesn’t it?” Rider shakes her head, “This day just gets weirder and weirder…”

“Well, at least now we’ve got something to pass the time with. So… now we just have to play the waiting game…”

…

“Screw this, the waiting game sucks! Who wants to play Hungry Hungry Hippo?”

“We don’t have Hungry Hungry Hippo.”

“Phooey. Now I’m really bored…” I look down at the ground, sighing. Why must this be so Root-damnably BORING? WHY?

“Hey, Archer…” I see Saber leaning forwards, and picking up… a green jar?

“What is it, Saber?”

“I found this on the ground… Think Umbra might’ve dropped it?” Wait, do NOT open that!

“No, no, no, no, wait!” Too late. The moment the lid goes ‘pop’, a large, green, flexible tendril larger than what should theoretically fit through the opening lunges out, and slaps everyone to the side.

“GAH! God DAMNIT, Umbra!” I recover from my daze to find… Oh, my. The tendril, and three of its identical brethren, are now holding our four femme fatales by the heels. Upside down. Saber’s wearing a dress. Do the math.

“ARCHER! GET US DOWN FROM HERE!” I wipe the blood leaking from my nose, and dash forwards, tracing Kanshou and Bakuya.

“Alright, I’m coming!” But, as I draw closer, I’m forced to halt as… Oh, dear… Now it’s squeezing on Saber’s… assets… And holding them in my face.

“WHAT’RE YOU SITTING AROUND LIKE THAT FOR? You can do whatever you want later, just get this thing off of me now! It’s slimy, and gooey, and icky! And I think it’s oozing inside my dress!” Homina homina homina…

Y’know, as cool of a bro as Archer is, and as alright as I am letting him date my sister, he sure is distracted easily. Almost disappointing. Really regretting not leaving him in a gay bar for an hour. That may have averted our current crisis. Ah, well. The past is the past. “Have at thee, foul demon of Rule 34!”

I charge, and as I begin to strike it, I find that my lance cannot seem to hit anything solid, “Damn! It’s like an octopus! Only slimier! Nothing solid… to hit! C’mon, you literally spineless coward! HOLD STILL AND LET ME STAB YOU!” As I re-angle my strike, I aim more towards the base of the tendril, where it’s emerging from the jar. Apparently, it noticed that, and now it’s holding up Rider… Aye yay yay yay yay… Must… keep… focused… No… bad boner…

Ouch. Okay, note to self: the rape-happy tentacles are also combat-capable. I pick up my spear, and decide to simply throw the damn thing. Whaddya know? I actually got in a lucky shot. As the beast recoils, Berserker moves in for the finishing blow.

“RRRRAAAOOOOOOOGH!” Now holding up a chair… that’s glowing red and black… Oh, bugger. He promptly slams the chair into the tentacle holding Saber, and then takes the splintered fragments and shoves them into Assassin’s tendril, which was coming awfully close to making this into a Rated M scene.

The final tendril, deciding survival is more important than sexual pleasures, promptly drops Caster, and then slams itself into Berserker, holding him against the wall. “RRRRRROOOOOGH!” Berserker, unfazed by the strength of the slippery slimy creature, simply grabs it, and begins squeezing. In only a few moments, the tentacle, out of strength, recedes back into the jar, and Archer slams the lid on.

“Was this a prank? This was a prank by Umbra. Definitely.”

Saber snarls, and grabs the jar, glaring at the label, that of a smiling shadow, “If I ever find him again, I will shove this thing up his black ass and OPEN IT UP! DO YOU HEAR ME UMBRA? UP YOUR ASS!”

“Saber… we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it… Can we get some sleep, for now?”

Stupid Umbra with his stupid pranks… I’ll get him even if I’ve gotta lose an arm and a leg… Oh, well… I slink into bed, with Archer sliding in next to me, “G’night, old sport.”

“Good night, tracer boy.” He drifts off to sleep quickly enough, but I stay up with a single candle, reading one of the books he picked up. Huh… never read anything by… Neil Degrasse Tyson? The Astrophysics Black Guy? Wait… god, damnit. Stupid Archer, you got that thing from Epic Rap Battles stuck in my head… Well, got nothing better to read. Hey, what’s that noise? Is… that a cricket?

CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP

“Mmmm… murgle…” Archer only lightly turns in his sleep. How the hell’d he not wake up from something this annoying?

“Grr… Shoulda gotten some bug spray… Knowing Umbra, it probably would’ve sprayed out more bugs…” I slowly climb out, and generate Aestus Estus, poking around, hoping I can jab the source of the noise.

Then suddenly five raccoons pop from nowhere and start screeching around the room.

“WAGH! Uh… hey, little guys… How’d… you get in here?” As I say that, I notice all of their shadows are conjoint… Oh, dear.

“YAAAAAAAAGGHHH! GET ‘EM OFF! GET ‘EM OFF! GET THEM OFF!” I pick them up, and hurl them off, only to watch as the large shadow on the wall releases something… Oh no.

Exit Saber. Pursued by Mega-Skunk of Romulus IV. “OH BY THE ROOT STOP IT STOP IT! WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME?” In that instant, I notice the shadows around everyone’s ears. I’m gonna kill Umbra when I get my hands on him…

I run out of the den, only to get pecked at by a particularly loud raven.

CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CROAK CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW RATTLE RATTLE CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW RAP RAP RAP CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW

WHY? WHY ME? WHAT’VE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS? “I’m sorry, Umbra! CALL IT OFF! I’M SORRY! I JUST WANNA GO TO BED! PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!”

A note falls and lands in front of me, reading:

“Uh… That’s… cool, I guess…” I throw the note off into the bushes, and walk back into the den, curling up next to Archer, “Oh… it’s finally over… Archer…” I hug him, letting his warmth channel out the ringing in my ears and the pain in my cheeks.

“Mmm… Saber…” Wait… is he dreaming? About ME? Aw… how sweet...

“You… smell…”

SMACK!

WORST. BOYFRIEND. EVER.