I was back in the library. I was in my room reading the book Rainbow had given me. It was pretty good so far, but there were annoying moments where problems were caused by the main character not being able to use magic. It really showed me just how overpowered Unicorns, Changelings and Alicorns are. Thanks, evolution!

“Cloud!” Called Twilight from downstairs.

“What?!” I called back.

“Could you come down here for a minute?!”

“No!”

“But this is a public library!”

“What does that have to do with anything?!”

“Shouting to you like this is really obnoxious!”

“So’s filling a tree with dead trees!”

“But it’s the principle of it!”

“This is a library, not a school!”

“Would you stop making bad jokes?!”

“Never!”

“Oh for… Just come down here! You’ve got mail!”

“Why don’t you just bring it up?!”

“I’m about to go grocery shopping!”

“Didn’t you just go the other day?!”

“Vesper used up all the milk again!”

“Then send Spike up here!”

“He’s at Rarity’s!”

“Then teleport it!” There was a second of silence.

“I didn’t think of that!”

“I know!”

“Wow, this whole scenario wouldn’t have happened if I’d thought of that first!”

“I know!”

“I mean, really! These last two minutes have been pointless!

“I KNOW!”

“Anyway, I’m going shopping!”

“Wait! Do you know where Vesper is?!”

“I think she’s at the brothel!” There was another silence.

“Ponyville has a brothel?!”

“Yeah!”

“Since when?!”

“Since-! You know that’s just what she calls the basement, right?!”

“Oh! I thought you meant a literal brothel!”

“Well I didn’t!”

“I know that now!”

“Anyway, I’m gonna go!” A letter teleported to the middle of my room. “There you go!”

“Thanks!”

“Bye!”

“See you later!” I heard the faint sound of the front door closing. I picked up the letter. Looks like expensive parchment. Probably from Celestia. I opened it and began reading.

Cloud Calculation,

A new enemy has arisen. I have reason to believe that they are intercepting my mail spells, so I'm sending somepony to explain the details in person. Or would that be in Pony? Our grammar system is so bucking weird, Minotaurs, Griffons and Dogs all never say things like 'somepony', they always say 'someone'. I mean, really, why is this something we decided to change? Equestrian isn't even an original language, it's just and altered version of Eaglish! I know every single language on the planet, but why do we do say our species name instead of a word for a majority of people. Why is it 'Ponies' and not 'people'?! Why is our language so confusing?!

Anyway, expect my agent later today.

Sincerely;

Princess Celestia.

P.S: If this letter has been intercepted, I have a message for the interceptor:

I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I'm not giving you a bit. But what I do plan on giving you is a Unicorn with a very particular set of skills, skills he has acquired over an unknown and mysterious past. Skills that make him a nightmare for people/Ponies like you. If you buck off now, that'll be the end of it. He will not look for you, he will not pursue you. But if you don't, he will look for you, he will find you, and he probably won't kill you.

Also, buck you.

Well, that was... Interesting? I wonder who this 'agent' is...? I heard a knock at the front door. Time to find out. I went downstairs and opened the front door to see...

"Derpy?" I asked. The grey Pegasus had a more serious expression than usual.

"Have you received her letter yet?" She asked back.

"Uh... Yeah. Come in." I stepped aside to let her in.

"Is there somewhere more private we can talk?"

"This isn't private enough?" She rolled her eyes. It was a strange sight.

"This is a public library."

"Oh yeah..." I teleported us to my room, locked the door, drew the curtains and cast a basic sound blocking spell. "Will this do?"

"Yes, this is good enough."

"So you're Celestia's agent?" She nodded.

"That's correct. She has authorised me to reveal to you my true identity."

"I'm guessing your real name isn't 'Derpy'?"

"No, my real name is-"

"Ditzy?" Not-Derpy looked confused.

"What? No, it's-"

"Bright Eyes?"

"No, i-"

"Muffins?" She started to look pissed.

"No-"

"Bubbles?"

"N-"

"Yellow Mane?"

"Shut up! Your guesses are terrible!"

"Sorry..." She sighed.

"My real name is Steak." There was an awkward silence.

"Steak?"

"Yes."

"Like the meat?" She groaned.

"Yes, like the meat."

"That's kinda-"

"I know, my name is weird!" There was another silence.

"Well, it could be weirder. It could be 'Duck' or 'Chicken', or maybe just 'Meat' on its own. Maybe even 'Blue Meat'."

"What the buck are you talking about?"

"I'm just going along with the stream of these fantasies."

"Well make that your final fantasy stream of right now, I have important information for you."

"Okay." Suddenly, a white Pegasus mare with a green mane crashed through my window.

"IRD!" She yelled. There was an awkward silence. She glanced between us. "Oh, sorry, wrong house." She flew back out of the window. The silence continued for a while. Well, that just sort of happened to us, we didn't even participate in that. I repaired the window.

"Where were we?" So many 'w's!

"I have important information for you from the Princesses," Steak reminded me.

"Okay."

"Something is spreading nightmares throughout Equestria. It's strong enough to stop Princes Luna deconstructing them, let alone enter them. The victims wake up screaming and raving, and when calmed down and questioned they immediately forget the contents. All that remains is the fear." Interesting...

"Can we be certain that Luna isn't having a relapse into Nightmare?" Steak shook her head.

"Princess Celestia has tested her, it isn't Princess Luna."

"Do you have any idea what they're gaining from spreading nightmares?"

"Not officially, but personally, I suspect that they're trying to increase the fear caused by the Elements of Harmony being destroyed."

"I see... What's your opinion on that, by the way? I know some Ponies hate the 'anonymous individual' that failed to stop her from destroying them, but what about you?" She sighed slowly and sadly and stopped standing so seriously. WHOO, ALLITERATION!

"Anything you could have done would have been reckless and dangerous. There was no way you could have saved them without putting yourself into a compromising position. If you hadn't done what you did, those Ponies wouldn't be alive to hate you in the first place."

"Thanks." There was a knock at my door.

"Hey, Dad!" Called Vesper from just outside. "Have a look at what I found listening in on you!" I deactivated the sound blocking spell and opened the door.

"I had a sound blocker up, how would they even- Oh." Vesper was holding a petrified Discord in her magic. "Yeah, he could probably get past it."

"Can I borrow the KGBNRB? I need to take him to God-Horse."

"Sure. How do beat him so easily, anyway?" Vesper looked confused for a second before her eyes widened in realisation.

"Oh shit! I never told you!"

"No, you didn't."

"It's really simple. Dicklord has a ridiculously terrible weakness."

"What weakness?" She told me his weakness. I doubled over in laughter. "Seriously?!" She laughed along with me.

"Yeah!"

"That's so...! That's so stupid! How is that his weakness?!"

"I don't know! He's just powerless when you do that to him!" I lay there laughing for a while. "Anyway, I need to take him to Canterlot."

"Okay." I stood up. "Oh, and looked at the memories yesterday." Vesper's smile dropped.

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"So...?"

"'So'?"

"What do you think?"

"I'm getting you a therapist." Vesper frowned.

"I'm not going into therapy." I sighed.

"Let's talk about this when you get back."

"Fine." Vesper teleported away with the Discord statue. I still can't believe that that's his weakness... It is pretty stupid. Anyway, I need to focus on this serial nightmare-er. What could possibly be so bad that Celestia sets me on it?

Author's Notes:

Yay for inside jokes that make no sense to most people and are incredibly obnoxious!